Hey, everyone. Welcome back to your Impact Wrestling recap for 10/20/11. I apologize for my hiatus last week. Some stuff came up at home that prevented me from doing the recap. However, I want to thank not only Matt Church for covering for me while I was away, but also to Eric Gargiulo for being so understanding on why I needed to step away for the week and keeping the position open for me. You guys are aces.
Anyway, the show begins and I’m already depressed. I accidentally came across the spoilers for the “main event” tonight, and it instantly made me miserable. I won’t spoil it right now, as you’ll see soon enough. I will say this-Many of you probably won’t agree with me, but I don’t care; I really hate James Storm as a performer. His voice, his catchphrase, his moveset, his gimmick, his stupid spiked hat, just everything. Tonight won’t be helping relieve any of that hatred.
We start with a recap of last Sunday’s Bound For Glory pay-per-view, mainly the feud between Hulk Hogan and Sting that saw Sting win their “big” match and regain control of TNA for Dixie Carter. Between Hogan and Dixie Carter, who really is the lesser of two evils at this point? Once again, the night saw Hogan do an immediate face turn after he lost the match, something no one wanted or needed.
In the Impact Zone, Sting makes his way to the ring, sans facepaint. He’s still wearing a Hogan t-shirt. Taz and Mike Tenay discuss the “shocking” revelation that referee Jackson James is Eric Bischoff’s kid. Sting says it feels good to be in the Impact Zone again. 18 months ago, he made a vow to everyone. That vow was getting TNA back into Dixie Carter’s hands and the “real” Hulk Hogan to come back. The Hogan that transcends wrestling and defines wrestling. Crowd is mindlessly chanting Hogan’s name. Sting admits he had to step out of his comfort zone, but at BFG, it was all worth it. It came to a defining moment where Hogan would either continue his ways with Eric Bischoff, or do the right thing for the wrestlers and the fans. In that defining moment, the “real” Hulk Hogan came home. God, this is so sickeningly sweet, I’m developing a cavity. Sting asks Hogan to grace us with his presence.
[adinserter block=”2″]Hogan makes his way down to the ring, and he’s got his red and yellow crap on again, posing his once-impressive arms that now look like giant bags of Jell-O pudding. Orange, leathery Jell-O pudding, mind you, but Jell-O pudding nonetheless. Sting and Hogan hug in the ring, forgetting the last 18 months ever happened. Hogan pretends to be overcome with emotion. Hogan admits he’s been wrong for the last year. He doesn’t blame anyone but himself. He had a rough couple of years and became a follower instead of a leader. He thanks Bischoff for helping him get his life back together, and that’s how he became a follower. But now that everything’s cleared up, he realizes how wrong Bischoff was. Now that Hogan is back, there is only one person to thank for that, and that’s Sting. I’m getting sick with all this glad-handing. Hogan says that at BFG, when he saw the “pack of wolves” known as Immortal tearing Sting apart, he saw exactly what was going down and “saw the light”. When he saw Sting begging him for help, he saw things perfectly clearly. He saw what he used to be, but now he’s back, and what’cha gonna do when the Hulkster and the Stinger run wild on you, brother?
Hogan says he can’t tell everyone how amazing this run has been, and he has to thank Sting for that. He calls Sting the true icon and thanks him as his music begins to play again and he leaves the ring. Sting’s still here. He tells Hulk he’s still got it before asking Ditsy Carter to please come out. Carter comes out to some god-awful music. She’s walking like she has no idea how and is just learning for the first time. Commercial.
We get a commercial for Jeff Hardy’s upcoming TNA DVD. Great. Another TNA product no one will watch.
Back from commercial and Dixie Carter is in the ring with Sting. Until now, I never truly realized how hideous she is. It’s like a cross between a skeleton and a painted scarecrow. Sting says this is a night to celebrate as the rightful owner gets her company back, but it doesn’t erase what happened 18 months ago. Sting tried to talk to Dixie then and show her the light, and she found out how tough wrestling is the hard way. But, they’ve got the company back now. When Sting thought he was done with wrestling, Dixie gave him a second chance and a home in TNA. Sting wouldn’t take anything back from the last 18 months, but from here forward, Dixie needs to surround herself with people who have the best interests for the company in their hearts. There is no room for error, and she can’t make any mistakes this time. This is her second chance.
Dixie says she’s sorry to everyone and that she should have listened to Sting, and that she won’t make the same mistake again. Her place in the company is making it the best it can be, and if anything in the last year has taught her anything, it’s that she needs to fight for the company and make it the best in the world. In order to do so, she’ll have to spend more time at TNA headquarters as president, and she wants Sting to help her run the day-to-day operations in TNA. She will give Sting full authority over the company as he has never stopped fighting for TNA. She asks if he will do it as the crowd chants “Do it”. Sting says he’s willing to do it. Dixie thanks everyone for everything before hugging Sting.
Kurt Angle begins making his way down to the ring. Wonder if Kurt wants “beastiality sex” with Dixie Carter like he did Sharmell Sullivan? As Angle makes his way down the ramp, we go to another commercial.
We’re back, and for those wondering, we’re already 25 minutes into this show and we’re still on the same promo segment. Wrestling Matters! It’s still real to me, dammit! Anyway, Angle gets a mic and says we have two superheroes in the ring, the icon Sting and Dixie Carter, the woman who lied to him, made him look like a jackass and the sole reason he joined Immortal. Angle says he knows Dixie thinks she had a great PPV at Sunday, but he’s still World Champion, whether she likes it or not. He’s the World Champion, but all Sting can talk about is Bobby Roode, and made Roode look like a hero for the last 30 days. In 30 minutes at BFG, Angle made Roode look like a loser. Well, you and everyone else at TNA.
Bobby Roode makes his way down to the ring. God, is this segment ever going to end? Sign in the crowd says “Roode Got Screwed”. He gets screwed even worse tonight. Roode asks Angle if he’s kidding. He asks Angle if he’s going to stand here and take that victory at the PPV before calling him pathetic. Roode says Angle had to screw him in the match by holding the ropes. For the last 13 years of his life, Roode has given everything for that one moment, and all of his dreams and aspirations were rolled into one night at BFG, and Angle screwed him. What Angle did at BFG was bullsh*t. Roode says that maybe there’s nothing he can do about it now, but as he continues, Sting cuts him off. Sting points out the sign I just mentioned. Tonight, in this ring, Sting is making a match tonight for the World title between Roode and Angle. Yeah, that’s not going to happen. Angle steals Miz’s “Really?” bit at this. Angle says when Roode signed the contract for BFG, he had Bischoff and Hogan put a little stipulation in the match contract, and that is Roode can only wrestle Angle once. The reason is because Roode is a real threat and the real deal, and Angle just screwed his ass. Since when did Roode change his name to Jenna Morasca? Kurt Angle starts to spit James Storm’s catchphrase, which causes Storm to come to the ring. Commercials again, and this segment STILL isn’t over!
Back from break (at the 37-minute mark), and James Storm has a question to ask Angle. Did the contract stipulate that Storm couldn’t wrestle him. At BFG, Storm says Angle screwed the fans, the company and Bobby Roode. When Angle screwed Roode, he screwed James Storm as well, and now Storm and Angle have a problem. He tells Sting he thinks everyone still wants to see a World title match tonight. Angle says no way, and that there’s ten guys ahead of Storm who deserve a shot. Yes, and none of them will ever get it thanks to TNA’s brilliant booking strategies. Sting says he likes his new position because he has authority now. He makes the match between Angle and Storm for the World title in the main event tonight. Roode then spits Storm’s stupid catchphrase at Angle. Give it up for Roode. He’s selling the hell out of this for his partner, but deep down, you know he has to be just fuming.
Backstage, we see Hogan leaving the building, but before he can, he’s cut off by Bischoff, Ric Flair, Scott Steiner, Blubber Ray and Top Gun. Bischoff says he doesn’t want anything to go down here, and wants it to go down in the ring tonight, “our way”. He says if Hogan has any balls left tonight, he should face Bischoff in the ring tonight so Bischoff can get a few things off his chest. Bischoff keeps emphasizing the word “balls”. Why does he always think he has to repeat everything he says, like we didn’t get it the first time? Anyone else remember the Sid Vicious “don’t have a pair of scissors” remark?
46 minutes into this show, we finally get our first match, and it’s for the worthless Knockout Tag Team titles! Huzzah!
MATCH 1-Knockout Tag Team Championship: Champions Miss Tessmacher and Tara vs. Angelina Love and Winter
Before the champs can finish their pseudo-lesbian entrance, they are attacked in the ring by the challengers. Love is strangling Tessy with her own shirt before her and Winter go into a corner double stomp. Tessy goes for a roll-up for one, but comes back up into a clothesline by Love. Love with some crappy punches before tagging in Winter. Winter whips Love into Tessy in the corner. Winter hits a backbreaker for 2. Instead of paying attention to the match, Taz and Tenay won’t shut up about Bischoff’s kid, who is now going by the name of “Garrett Bischoff”. Bet you didn’t know referees needed gimmick/name changes like the wrestlers, did you? Winter tags Love in as she goes for a foot choke in the corner. Love with a snapmare and an elbow for 2. Tessy with a jawbreaker, but Love stops her from making the tag. Tessy reverses a corner whip, but Love makes it onto the turnbuckles. She boots off a charging Tessy but misses a cross body from the middle rope. Tara and Winter tag in. Tara hits some sloppy punches and a bad-looking clothesline. She takes off her shirt and chokes Winter with it before hitting the Spider’s Web for 2. Love breaks up the pin. Double-whip on Tara, but Tessy hit’s the blind tag. Tara with a double clothesline. She throws Love out, and Tessy connects with a top rope cross body for the 3.
WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: Miss Tessmacher and Tara. Have I mentioned that Miss Tessmacher is the most useless in-ring female performer in the company, with Velvet Sky running a very close second?
Speaking of useless women, we see Jeff and Karen Jarrett walking around, arguing.
Back from commercials, Mr. and Mrs. Diet Shasta Orange make their way onto the stage. I still can’t believe AAA let him do that to their top belt. Oh, and if you’re wondering, no, he never, EVER defends it. Jeff’s got a new Impact Wrestling shirt on. Apparently, TNA can’t do a single shirt design without making it look either like Tapout or Affliction crap. Jeff tells Jeffrey Nero Hardy to get out here right now, because one way or another, he’s going to finish what he started at BFG.
Jeffrey Nero Hardy makes his way out to a big pop, because Impact Zone drones just love their drug addicts! Did Hardy draw the design on his shirt? No wonder no one takes him seriously as an artist. Double J asks if Hardy thinks he’s going to walk right back into his main event slot like nothing happened. Jarrett asks if he forgot that the founder of TNA is the one who brought him into the company, and that he no-showed an event under Jarrett’s watch. He says that Victory Road was not the first event Hardy no-showed, and it damn sure won’t be his last. Actually, Jarrett, he did show up at Victory Road. Granted, he was so stoned, he probably didn’t know he was even there, so it’s kind of the same thing. Jarrett says some want Hardy there, and some don’t. He doesn’t care what others want, because he damn sure doesn’t want Hardy to be a part of this organization. He gives Hardy a choice-he can leave TNA and never be seen again, or he can suffer the consequences at the hands of the founder. Jarrett takes his shirt off and is looking pretty pudgy. Hardy starts to act like he’s going to leave, but doesn’t. He tells Jarrett the people want him here, and Jarrett’s the only one who is still bitching. He says Jarrett can’t stand the reactions Hardy gets from fans, and it eats him up. Hardy says Jarrett can’t stand that he’ll never have what Hardy has with these people. Jarrett goes to assault Hardy, but Hardy comes back with punches, a clothesline, and some punches on the mat. “Security” comes in to break the “fight” up. Hardy dives over them and continues punching Jarrett. Now the Hebner boys are in here trying to do something. Jarrett does the “dive over the security” bit now. Jeff does it again. Al Snow, Pat Kenney and D-Lo Brown come in to try and break things up. Now D-Lo and Al are screaming at each other and getting in each other’s faces. Speaking of people gaining weight, D-Lo looks like he’s put on about 100 pounds. As they’re doing this, Jarrett breaks away and botches a low blow on Hardy before kissing his horse-faced wife.
Angle’s in the back talking to the camera. He says he’ll whip James Storm’s ass tonight, over and over again, because nobody backs baby into a corner. No one!
For those wondering, we are now 70 minutes into this show, and have had ONE match. Backstage, Eric Young is telling a photographer he wants a sexy photo shoot. Rob Terry and Robbie E walk up. Robbie E asks Eric if he looks like an idiot. The joke here is he’s got his stupid tall frosted hair and gigantic stone-covered sunglasses on. Ha. I get it. Comedy. Robbie says everyone knows the TV title belongs to him, and Young’s been ducking him. Young says that, since he’s the TV champion, that makes him in charge of television. He tells Terry he loved him in the “Conan” movies. Young says all he has to do is ask Sting to make the match, and he will. But, if “Big Robbie T” interferes in the match, he’ll have to call in some big guns from Hollywood, like Ronnie from “Jersey Shore”. Robbie E makes some stupid remarks about how Eric Young looks Amish. Again, in case you’re wondering, yes, Dixie Carter threw more money at another “Jersey Shore” star to come in, which will do absolutely nothing for ratings or buyrates.
MATCH 2: Gunner vs. Abyss
Abyss left Immortal on Sunday after helping Hogan and Sting. Now you’re caught up. Before the match start, Gunner gets a microphone. This should be stunning. He says that, last week, they decided to take out the trash, and when you’re part of Immortal, you have to prove to everyone that you belong at the top. He took it upon himself and went to Immortal and said that he could be the one to take Abyss out, and he promised them he would. He tells Abyss to come down here and face his worst nightmare.
Gunner tries to cut off Abyss, but Abyss fights his way out. Some punches in the corner and a clothesline from Abyss, followed by kicks and stomps. Abyss hits a tree slam. Gunner tries to leave the ring. Abyss pulls him in and punches him, sending him to the outside. Abyss follows and throws Gunner into the steps. Back in the ring, Gunner immediately slides back out and leaves through the crowd. Abyss decides not to follow and takes a count-out win.
WINNER VIA COUNT-OUT: Abyss. Well, that was just the greatest TNA match in the history of ever anything.
Backstage, we see new Knockouts Champion Velvet Sky. She’s rambling about how she proved all of her doubters wrong at the PPV. She thanks the fans, who have been behind her “150,000 percent”, and she’s going to thank them now. Great! Another promo segment! There hasn’t been nearly enough talking on this show tonight. Not hardly.
In some other backstage area, we see Flair, Bischoff, Blubber and Johnny Bravo talking as Gunner runs into frame. He says he doesn’t know if everyone just saw that, but that wasn’t Abyss; that was a monster. Immortal might need someone like that. Bischoff says he’ll deal with it, but now it’s time to take care of Hogan.
We get a video package for Velvet Sky. I could give a damn.
Velvet Sky makes her way to the ring. “Let the pigeons loose” may be the worst catchphrase in wrestling history. Velvet gets a mic and says it feels so good, and she feels so proud to stand here as the Knockouts Champion. She says this has been an emotional journey for her, and with every obstacle that’s been thrown in her way, to get to her dream was totally worth. The title is for everyone who told her she was not good enough and those that tried to shut her down and make her feel weak. It took her 4 years to achieve her dream, but she did it, and did it with the support of her fans. Cue Karen Jarrett.
Apparently, Karen Jarrett is still the V.P. of the knockouts division. You would’ve thought that Carter getting the company back would’ve negated that. Oh, wait. That requires logic. Karen comes out with Traci Brooks. Who cares? She reminds both Brooks and Sky that she is the V.P. of the division and can fire both of them right now. She screams at the crowd to shut up, then screams at Sky and Brooks. Firing them would be too easy. She says Velvet wants to cry over winning the belt. She’s a mother, and we don’t see her out here crying over crap. You’re right; you just scream nonsensically over crap. She asks Traci if she thinks she’s had it bad. Karen says she hasn’t seen anything yet, and she’s about to make Traci’s life a living hell. She says if they think they’ve seen the mean side of Karen Jarrett, they haven’t seen anything yet. Didn’t she just say that? She orders security to throw Traci out of the ring after doing some more screaming. She continues to tell Velvet to shut up. Karen says Velvet will respect her. She doesn’t know who Velvet thinks she is or who she thinks she’s screwing with. On Monday, Karen told Jeff Jarrett the first thing she was going to do was “strip that little bitch of the title”. Jeff asked her what the fun in that would be. Where would the pain, blood and scars be in that? She wants to see Velvet physically put in her place, and she knows just the person to do it. Before what happens is about to happen (??), she gives Velvet the advice of keeping eyes in the back of her head.
Cue our second horse-faced broad tonight and my soulmate for life, Madison Rayne. Despite her loud music, you can still hear Rayne screeching as she makes her way to the ring. As Velvet is arguing with Maddy, Gail Kim knocks Velvet down from behind. Kim punches Velvet over and over as Karen continues to wail. I was hoping Gail wouldn’t show up here, as I tend to instantly lose respect for women who jump ship from WWE to TNA as they all turn into whiners.
We see Hogan making his way towards the ringside area as we go to another commercial.
Back from the break and Bischoff & Friends make their way to the ring. Taz and Tenay are still arguing about Bischoff’s kid. You know, you would think all these guys would be fired with Sting winning that match. Oh, wait. We’re talking logic again. Bischoff says he’ll take care of his “punk ass kid” in his own way on his own time. He reiterates the “balls”, really emphasizing “balls”, before calling Hogan out to the ring.
Hogan limps his way to the ring. Hogan says if Bischoff’s got anything to say, he’s got one chance right now. Bischoff says he’s got a lot of things to say, and he hopes Hogan packed a lunch, because it’s going to take him a while to get it all out. Noooooo! We already had a 45-minute promo segment! Not again! Bischoff says, first off, how can Hogan explain turning his back on Immortal, and how dare he! If that wasn’t bad enough, Hogan turned his back on Bischoff, the guy that made Hogan. He’s the man solely responsible for making Hogan the man he is today. The worst offense Hogan committed was getting between Bischoff and his son. How dare you corrupt him! Bischoff had his son right where they needed and wanted him, ready to turn him into Eric Bischoff. That’s…kind of creepy. Hogan says he’s learned a lot about Bischoff and his son in the last few days, and one thing he’s learned is Garrett Bischoff is a man Eric could never be. Bischoff slaps Hogan. Hogan does the pointing bit. Gunner, Blubber and Steiner jump into the ring. Sting slides in with a baseball bat and gives another bat to Hogan. Bischoff is backing up the ramp when his kid pops up on the entrance ramp. Eric backs right into him, then turns around. Eric mouths off to him and asks what he’s got to say to him. Garrett calls him a disgrace. Eric pushes him a couple of times, slaps him, then rips off his shirt, revealing a “Bischoff” tattoo on Garrett’s chest. He calls Eric a nothing, and that he’s not a Bischoff. Eric says he never wants to see Garrett again. Garrett decks him and then gives Hogan and Sting a thumb’s up.
The main event is up next after the commercials, and with only 15 minutes left in the show.
We see Bobby Roode and James Storm walking in the back. Storm is mumbling about how he wishes he had more time to prepare for this match tonight. Roode says he’s been preparing his whole life. Storm has been here from day one, and this is for the title. Roode says there’s no doubt in his mind that Storm is ready to be champion. Right now is Storm’s time, and he needs to go out there and kick Kurt Angle’s ass, and that everyone knows he can do it. Storm was there at BFG to feel Roode’s pain. Tonight, he wants to feel Storm’s excitement. They shake hands and Storm walks away.
MATCH 3: World Championship: James Storm vs. Kurt Angle
Looking at Angle and how he’s wasting away, it’s only a few years before he’s nothing but a shrunken head in a mason jar. After we get the introductions from Bloated Ken Doll (including a plug for 5-Hour Energy), the match starts with only 5 minutes left until 9:00pm. Keep that number in mind. Angle’s leg is heavily taped, and Storm looks like he’s about to cry. Angle kicks Storm in the gut and hits a punch. In the corner, Angle with some more punches. More corner punches. A stomp. More corner punches and stomps on the mat. Referee tries to pull Angle off. Angle throws the referee out of the way and turns his back to begin arguing. Angle turns right around into the Last Call. This match is over.
Total match time: according to my DVR, 2 minutes.
WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: James Storm. Yes, your new world champion is “Cowboy” James Storm. The same James Storm who wears a spray-painted, spiked cowboy hat, used to ride to the ring on a motorized beer cooler and once feuded with Eric Young for months on end over a plastic WWE spinner belt with a plastic belt glued to the front that was referred to as the “World Beer-Drinking Championship”.
[adinserter block=”1″]So…Bobby Roode wrestles Kurt Angle for nearly 30 minutes (according to Angle), and can’t get the job done, but Storm, the weaker half of the team, does it in less than 3 minutes. Want to know why? Because Angle was hurt going into the PPV, and wound up even worse after it was over. So, instead of just dropping the belt to Roode at the show like he should have, especially knowing he was injured, he instead keeps the belt, gets hurt worse and winds up looking like a pathetic loser at the next taping in a squash loss against James Storm. Anyone care to take this? Anyone?
Kazarian, Roode and A.J. Styles come down to the ring to help celebrate. Storm says he’s been with the company since day one. He’s watched people come and go, but one thing’s for damn sure, “The ‘Cowboy’ is here to stay, you son of a bitches!” He calls the victory a little bitter sweet. He tells Roode he’s his best friend, that they are the greatest tag team in the whole world, and that the belt belongs to him. Storm hands the belt over to Roode. He says the belt looks really nice, but Storm deserves it. He then wraps it around Storm’s waist.
End of show.
This was, without a doubt, the worst episode of Impact I’ve ever seen, and that’s really saying something.
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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.