Welcome to the 9/29/11 edition of TNA Impact Wrestling. Since I already know what happens tonight (and if you follow the site regularly, you do as well), I’m really trying to get through this without losing my cool. It’s just that, it’s Hulk Hogan, the biggest bullsh**/con artist mainstream pro wrestling has ever seen. Everything the man does just pisses me right off, and tonight won’t be an exception.
Show starts with a video recapping the Kurt Angle/Bobby Roode and A.J. Styles/Christopher Daniels feuds.
In the Impact Zone, we start off with-you guessed it-Sting. You know, I’m kind of surprised that, since WWE starts damn near every show off with Triple H now, TNA doesn’t just go with Hogan every time. Anyway, Sting’s wearing the Hogan shirt again. He talks about verbally putting over Angle a few months ago, but how Angle is now brainwashed by Hogan. Angle’s going down a road of lies and deceit, and Angle has booked Styles/Roode tonight as well. Sting says Angle’s plan will backfire, and he’ll tell us why. He then asks Bobby Roode to come to the ring.
[adinserter block=”2″]Robert Roode comes out as some tool in the front row who is about the size of my wrist is flexing what he’s passing off as a bicep. Roode gets a microphone. The crowd is chanting for him. Sting praises Roode and is proud of him. He believes Roode can beat Angle for the title at Bound for Glory. Sting knows Roode can do it. He’s fought for 13 years to get to this point, and Sting believes he’s looking at a championship-caliber wrestler, but Roode can’t let Angle get into his head. He needs Roode to tell the people how he’s focused on winning the belt at BFG and how he’s going to beat Angle.
Roode talks about how overwhelming it is that he’s gotten so much support from the fans, the wrestlers, and Sting himself. Roode says he knows what Angle is trying to do, and he also knows that his opportunity at BFG isn’t one that comes along every day. He’s promising everyone that he’s walking out as the new World Champion. This gets a “Next World Champ” chant. Roode wants Sting to promise him he’s going to take care of Hogan, and if they take care of Hogan and Angle, they will get TNA back to where it belongs.
A.J. Styles’ music hits, and he makes his way to the ring. Styles tells Roode to take this opportunity and make the best of it. Styles reminds us that he hasn’t had a title match in ages, and he wants Roode to beat Angle, because unless you’re friends with the right people, brother, who knows when you’ll get another shot.
Kurt Angle makes his way onto the stage. Angle tells Styles that if he beats Roode tonight, he’ll get the next title match after BFG. He tells Sting Dixie Carter made him look like a jackass, and she’ll never run the company again. And…that’s it? What was the point of Angle coming out here and doing nothing except stating the obvious?
Backstage, we see Hogan make his way into the Impact Zone.
Back to the show, Austin Aries is on commentary for the next match.
MATCH 1-5-Way X-Division Ladder Match, with the winner becoming the #1 contender to the World X-Division title at BFG : Zema Ion vs. Kid Kash vs. Alex Shelley vs. Jesse Sorensen
Kash and Sorensen are brawling in the ring as Kendrick and Ion brawl on the outside. Shelley is in the corner. Sorensen throws Kash to the floor. Shelley with a baseball slide to Ion. Shelley grabs a ladder, but Sorensen baseball slides it into him. Kash hits Kendrick in the gut with a chair and brings in the ladder. Kash with a DDT on Sorensen onto the ladder. Kash props the ladder up, but Kendrick hits a dropkick on Kash. Kendrick goes up, but Ion pulls him down. Ion’s climbing up now, but Shelley pulls him down and hits a reverse STO into the ladder. Ion and Shelley trade forearms, but Ion catches a jawbreaker. Ion goes to the corner and hits an Asai moonsault onto Kendrick on the floor. Kash eats a superkick from Shelley. Shelley goes up top, but Ion dropkicks Shelley off the ladder from the top rope. Kash kicks Ion and throws the ladder into the corner. Ion and Kash play tug-of-war with the ladder, but Kash sends it into the corner. Kash with some knife edge chops. He charges at Ion, but gets hip tossed into the ladder. Ion goes for a suplex on Sorensen, but he reverses and hits a weird neckbreaker into the ladder. Sorensen gets the ladder set up and begins to climb, but Kash throws a chair at him and then powerbombs him off the ladder. Kash climbs up, but Kendrick pulls him off and climbs up. Shelley up now as well, but Kendrick knocks him down. Kendrick grabs the contract.
WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: Brian Kendrick. Kendrick signs the contract immediately. This match was far too rushed. They needed at least 5-10 more minutes to make this match more worthwhile.
Backstage, Kazarian is talking about tonight’s Roode/Styles match and how they’re both his friends. During the interview, Mr. and Mrs. Diet Shasta Orange (the Jarretts) confront him. Jeff says he has something to say to Kaz and to get his ass to the ring right now. Karen tells Kaz he should have never messed with her.
We see Hogan walking around backstage.
In another backstage area, Ric Flair is yelling at someone on a cellphone. He tells the person on the other end to stay put and that he’s on his way.
Back in the Impact Zone, AAA Mega Champion Jeff Jarrett and his horse-faced wife make their way to the ring. Jeff calls Kaz out and tells him to bring his “skanky old lady” with him. The pot and the kettle, Jeff. Kaz and Traci Brooks make their way out. Karen’s nonsensically laughing. Jeff formally introduces himself and his wife to Kaz and Traci. He hand-picked Kaz off the indy circuit to get a shot in TNA, and reminds Kaz of when he jumped ship to the WWE, found out things weren’t so great and came crawling back. He says he gave Kaz his release when he begged for it, but then gave him his job back 3 days later when he begged for it. He calls Traci a skank and says he’s the only one in the business who ever gave her a shot, and she repaid him by insulting his wife. Jeff calls Traci and Kaz ungrateful bastards. Kaz shoves Jeff. Referees, Pat Kenney and D-Lo Brown enter the ring and keep everyone separated. Jeff says he should fire both of them right now, but instead will make their lives miserable starting tonight. Jeff calls Traci a “10-cent whore”, which causes Kaz to charge at him. The referees once again pull them apart. This causes the indy security guys to come into the fray as well. Now Gunner comes in. He grabs Kaz and hits him with a very botched Mr. Pibb. Gunner continues to stomp Kaz as the refs try to keep him off.
We get a recap of Ink Inc. attacking Mexican America at a “tattoo shop” last week.
MATCH 2: Jesse Neal (w/Shannon Moore) vs. Hernandez (w/Anarquia, Rosita and Sarita)
Before the match starts, All four members of Mexican America come down to the ring and attack Ink Inc. from behind. Hernandez and Anarquia are beating the hell out of Ink Inc. Hernandez throws Neal into the steps before Sarita begins kicking him. I the ring, Anarquia botches a side slam on Moore before Hernandez comes off the top with a nice splash. Anarquia hits Neal with a back suplex, followed by Hernandez with another nice splash. Man, he can get some height on those splashes. They spray paint the backs of Ink Inc. with red and green spray paint.
WINNER: No contest, as the match never actually started.
Backstage, Anonymous Interviewer asks Blubber Ray if he knows what Hogan’s announcement is. Blubber Ray says of course he knows what it is, and he was the first one Hogan called when he decided he had announcement to make. He then tells the interviewer to get out before he smacks him in the face.
Bleu cheese does not belong on a hamburger or anywhere else for that matter. Just saying.
Backstage, James Storm is telling the cameraman that no, he’s not bitter or jealous of Bobby Roode. He’s happy Roode won the series, and that they went in saying one of them had to win that series. He’s happy because he sees it as part of him being in there with Angle at BFG when Roode wins the match, and that it “pays to be Roode”. Get it?
In Hogan’s office, Flair is yelling at him. He needs to rethink his announcement, as Hogan is everything that wrestling is. Hogan says he’s still doing it. Flair says this is not acceptable or a good decision. He says Hogan can’t do this, and he’s taking this too lightly. He tells Hogan he still has time to change his mind.
We get a video package for the history between Tara and Madison Rayne. Great.
Crimson just entered the Impact Zone.
MATCH 3-“Queen’s Qualifier”: Madison Rayne vs. Tara
Rayne is trying to flirt with referee Earl Hebner as Tara makes her way to the ring. I’m very disappointed in Maddy. I thought we had something special. I got her a brand new oat bag and everything. Tara backs Rayne into the corner. Hebner calls for the break. Rayne continues to try to flirt. She points at Tara, who just grabs Rayne’s finger and twists it. Tara with a shoulder block and a hip throw into a side headlock. Rayne slaps Hebner to try to get him to break the hold. Back up, Tara’s still holding onto the headlock. Hebner thinks it’s Tara that keeps hitting him, not Rayne. Tara goes for a shot, but Hebner blocks it, allowing Rayne to knock Tara down. Rayne with a foot choke in the corner. The ref-flirting continues. Rayne with a hip bump in the corner and that swinging facebuster off the ropes most female wrestlers do. Rayne locks in the Taco Twister before flirting with Earl again. She goes for a kick, but Tara catches the foot and picks Rayne up with a double-choke. Rayne kicks Hebner from this position, and he finally smartens up to what’s going on. He tells Tara to “get her” before turning his back on the match. Tara with some shots and a clothesline off an Irish whip. Tara hits a snap suplex and then hits Rayne with a tree slam. Tara goes for the Widow’s Peak, but Rayne reverses into a pin with her feet on the ropes. Once again, Hebner somehow misses this (despite the fact that Rayne’s legs are way up in the air and on the second rope) and counts the 3.
WINNER: Madison Rayne.
Crimson is heading to the ring. Apparently, he will be doing an interview after the commercial.
You know what? Screw Battlefield and Call of Duty. Yeah, I said it.
We see Christopher Daniels leaving the Impact Zone. Daniels says there’s nothing left to see tonight, so he’s leaving. Anonymous Interviewer asks him if he knows about a possible rematch with Styles at BFG. Daniels says that beating Styles again would just be a big kick in the nuts, and the interviewer can ask Styles all about that.
As Crimson makes his way to the ring, we see the video of Samoa Joe wrecking Crimson’s leg a few weeks ago. Crimson tells us Joe fractured his ankle and took him out of the BFG series, but damn sure didn’t take him out for good. He tells Joe to get his ass out here so they can finally settle this. Joe comes out, but stops on the stage. He’s got a mic. He’s insulted that Crimson would call him out, and that Crimson should consider himself lucky that he allowed Crimson to walk, that he’s not in a hospital bed, and that he is out here to continue his farce of an undefeated streak. Joe said the only reason he allowed all of this to happen is because, without Crimson in TNA (Gasp! He called it TNA!), who else is going to be his bitch? Crimson responds by spearing Joe on the ramp, punching him a bunch of times and throwing him into the guardrail. Crimson continues the beat down with punches, kicks and knees. Joe catches Crimson’s foot off a kick and slams it into the guardrail. Apparently, that was his bad leg. Joe then botches a low blow before throwing Crimson into the ring. Joe stomps on Crimson’s leg a bunch of times before putting on a sloppy figure-4 that Taz calls a “heel hook”. How do you botch a low blow or a heel hook? Matt Morgan makes his way down to the ring and punches Joe a few times. He goes for the Carbon Footprint, but Joe jumps out of the ring and begins backing up the entrance ramp. Morgan makes his way back to the ring and stares Crimson down before offering to help Crimson to his feet. Crimson accepts. Morgan stares some more and then pats Crimson on the chest. I’m guessing they’re going to form a tag team now?
Styles tells the cameraman he’s going to get Bobby Roode ready for Angle tonight in their match. He’s not going to cut Roode any slack.
MATCH 4: D’Angelo Dinero vs. Mr. Anderson
In less than 2 years, Anderson has done more heel/face turns than I think anyone in history. It’s beyond ridiculous how often this company flips its wrestlers, and amazing that anyone can even keep track. Anderson does the stupid microphone bit, and makes it’s exceptionally long tonight. I hate him so much. I wonder how much money TNA spends to make fake money for D’Angelo Dinero? I just blew your mind, didn’t I? I knew it. Anyway, they start with a tie-up. Anderson turns it into an arm wringer. Pope reverses into an arm wringer, turns it into a hammerlock, then into a hip throw into a side headlock. Anderson reverses into a headscissors. Anderson with a side headlock now. Pope with a shoulder block after a series of criss-crosses. They each miss some kicks until Anderson catches a jumping roundhouse for 2. Anderson goes for a bodyslam, but Pope slides out and hits a palm thrust to the face, sending Anderson to the floor. Pope goes to slam Anderson into the ring apron, but Anderson reverses and slams Pope instead. Pope comes back and goes for an Irish whip into the guardrail, but Anderson reverses. Pope stops short of the rail, but turns around into a clothesline. Anderson accidentally backs into Devon’s kids (who are in their corner, as usual), and they shove him away. Earl Hebner gets between them and orders Anderson back in the ring. Cue Devon. He comes out and yells at his kids. Pope tries to calm him down, but Devon’s yelling at Pope now. As this is going on, Blubber Ray comes in and cracks Anderson on the back with a kendo stick. Pope comes back in the ring and easily gets the 3.
WINNER: D’Angelo Dinero. To much extraneous crap going on in this match to make it mean anything.
In the locker room, Bobby Roode says he’s thinking about the World title, but also about A.J. Styles. He’s told Styles to bring his A-game tonight. Styles has beaten Angle in the past, so Roode knows if he can beat Styles tonight, he can beat Angle at the PPV. Nothing and no one will stop him from achieving his dream.
Styles/Roode is up next.
In the back, Devon is yelling at both his kids, and Pope as well. Apparently, he’s training his sons to be wrestlers. He says now is not the time for them to be getting involved, and he calls the shots around here. He asks Pope to please not let this happen again.
We get a Bobby Roode highlight video, featuring footage of him training for his match and an interviews with his wife and sister. Why do I get the feeling that, with as much as Roode is being pushed as the next champion here, he’s just going to wind up doing the job for Angle anyway?
MATCH 5: A.J. Styles vs. Bobby Roode
Roode once again has black crap on his chest. I can’t tell if it’s a bruise or if he just isn’t applying his pro-tan properly. I’m thinking it’s the latter. Not really sure why I care, but I always notice stuff like that. Man, Roode has some generic gear on. They start off with a series of reversals until Styles gets in the side headlock. Roode reverses into an arm bar. Several more reversals lead back to the headlock by Styles. Hip throw by Styles into a headlock on the mat. Roode gets in a head scissors. Styles gets out and goes back to the hip throw/headlock combo. Roode with a snap mare out of the corner. He misses a running flip, and Styles goes back to the headlock. Roode goes for a back suplex, but Styles flips out and…goes back to the headlock. Couple of reversals off the ropes and a couple of misses, eventually leading to a dropkick by Styles for 2. Styles with a rear chinlock now that he turns into…another headlock. Come on, Styles. You’re better than this. Series of hip toss reversals leads to Styles on the apron. He goes for a springboard, but Roode catches him with a gutbuster for 2. Roode is limping now from the gutbuster. Roode hits the Val Venis knee, but off a second attempt, Styles knocks Roode to the floor. I guess Roode is selling a knee injury here, as he’s still limping. Styles tries a suplex from the apron in, but Roode fights out. Styles with a baseball slide to Roode’s bad leg, followed by a drop toehold and an inverted STF. Roode manages to break Styles’ hands apart, breaking the hold. Roode with some shots to the gut, but Styles comes back with kicks to the leg. They trade some shots. Styles with a jumping enziguri. Styles goes for a clothesline, but Roode catches a spinning uranage for 2. Roode gets Styles up on the top rope and goes for a superplex, but his knee hurts too much. Styles with some punches, but Roode forearms Styles down to the apron. Styles comes back with a forearm before hitting the Superman for 2. Styles with a backbreaker, and he goes to the apron. Styles goes for a springboard 450, but Roode rolls out of the way, sending Styles face-first to the mat. Roode goes for the spinebuster, but Styles rolls out and goes for the Styles Clash. Roode reverses, but Styles reverses into a pin. He immediately turns that into another Clash attempt, but Roode gets out. Roode goes for a clothesline, but Styles ducks and goes for Pele. Roode side-steps it and locks in the Bowflex. Styles taps out.
WINNER: Bobby Roode. Good match, but again, it felt extremely rushed. You telling me they couldn’t have left off the tag team non-match to give these guys another 10 minutes? Bollocks, I say. After the match, Styles and Roode congratulate each other. Styles tells Roode he’s ready.
Up next, Hogan’s “shocking” announcement.
Backstage, Styles congratulates Roode again. He says he had doubts about Roode before, but not anymore. He continues to compliment Roode, while Roode keeps saying he’s ready. Styles calls him the next World champ, and wants the first shot at the belt. Roode agrees.
[adinserter block=”1″]And now, the moment none of you have been waiting for. Hogan makes his way to the ring to the not-nWo theme, and is very noticeably limping here. Hogan says that he feels like a million pounds has been lifted off his shoulders. He’s done some soul-searching the last few months, and as he did that, he realized that the run of Hulk Hogan has been the best run of “all times”. He started thinking about the wrestlers, the business and the fans, and says that the first day he trained, Hiro Matsuda broke his leg to teach him a lesson. He then talks about his early career and that he got lucky and got a big break. He lists off a bunch of accomplishments. He says he thought Hulkamania could go on forever. He had a chance to come to TNA to make a difference, and when he came here, he saw nothing but hungry eyes. I feel the magic between you and I, too, Hogan. He says that, as he sees everything go one here, that everything he’s ever done was worth it, and that he gave TNA his soul, life and blood. He says he gave everything he could to help Impact Wrestling. Cut to Sting backstage. He asks if he’s the only one seeing this, and that when he first saw Hogan in Suburban Commando, he knew how great of an actor Hogan was, but this is amazing. He’d give Hogan the Academy Award right now, he’s that good. Cut back to Hogan. He says he’s made the decision that enough is enough, and this is the end of the road for him. When he made the decision, he wanted to tell the fans first, and he hasn’t even told his wife yet. I’d say she probably knows because she’s watching this, but we know she’s probably watching Jersey Shore or something else right now. He starts talking about everything falling apart, including his family and his physical well-being. The only thing that’s been with him since day one has been the fans, and now matter how bad it got, he knew the fans were there. After he lost everything, all the guys in the back were there for him. So, he’s made the decision that it’s all over, and there’s nothing left for him to do. Sting is in the back laughing. Next week in Knoxville, TN, Hogan is inviting everyone to be there to have a celebration, and he’ll have a formal announcement. That will be the last time in this ring. They just cut to a goofy-looking woman crying. I can’t believe anyone is buying this. People, his eyes aren’t red from crying, as those tears are non-existent. No, they’re red because Hogan is frigging lit right now. Cut back to Sting. Sting says he’ll be in Knoxville next week to celebrate with the Hulkster.
End of show.
Roode/Styles was okay, but it was too short and they tried to cram too much into too small of a time frame. Ladder match was messy, and the knockouts match sucked in every way you could imagine.
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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.