Welcome back for the 9/22/11 edition of Impact Wrestling. You know, I was going to do a brief rant about Matt Hardy (yes, he was arrested…yet again), but I decided to skip it. Honestly, making fun of Matt Hardy isn’t even fun anymore. I used to love ripping into the guy for his various follies, but Matt Hardy getting in trouble has become so regular that it feels more like a chore than anything else.
It’s not enjoyable to track the goings on in Matt’s life; it’s just sad. Never before has someone fallen from grace so quickly before. Even with him checking himself into rehab, I don’t have high hopes for Matt’s sobriety. How many times have Scott Hall or Sean Waltman gone to rehab, only to relapse a very short time later? In fact, the only one who seems to have actually taken the rehab to heart (at least, the last time he went) was Jake “The Snake” Roberts. I was shocked when I had heard he not only checked into WWE-sponsored rehab, but when he actually completed it successfully and (as far as I know) has not relapsed since. Never thought I’d say this, but Matt Hardy could learn from Jake Roberts.
Anyway, on with the show. I have a rough idea of what’s going to happen tonight, so I’m preparing myself to be disappointed with Impact, even more than normal. The show starts with a recap of Sting beating Ric Flair last week to earn a match with Hulk Hogan at Bound For Glory.
In the Impact Zone, Sting makes his way to the ring. He’s wearing jeans and a Hulk Hogan t-shirt, and has a contract in hand. Please don’t tell me I have to recap ANOTHER contract signing? Please? I’ve only been a writer here for a few months, and I have already lost count of how many contract signing bits I’ve had to write about, with most of them coming from TNA.
Sting gets a mic and says that times are great, and this is a great night. He reminds us of what happened with him and Flair last week, and how he’s headed to BFG with Hogan. He promises us this match will happen, and he wants Hogan out here right now. He gets the crowd to start a “Hogan!” chant. Hogan makes his way out to his non-nWo music.
Bisch comes out with a microphone and asks Sting who in the hell he thinks he is. Bischoff verbally fellates Hogan for a minute. Sting decks him, knocking him out. Sting’s hand must be made of stone. Guess he must’ve been training with Ronnie Garvin lately. He then makes fun of Hogan by holding his back and grunting. Sting says the match at BFG will happen and nothing’s going to stop it. Ta-ta for now.
Backstage, Karen Jarrett and her assistant Traci Brooks are talking to Miss Tessmacher and Mickie James about their match in the “Queen’s Qualifier” series they have tonight. Karen questions what Tessy is wearing, and that she will be in a lot of trouble if she does her striptease bit. Karen looks at Traci and tells her that she thought she told Traci to cover up her breasts. Karen says she’s not running a “ho house”. Traci’s husband Kazarian walks up and says Karen has no room to talk because she’s dressed like a Madame. He tells Karen-or as he calls her, “Jeff’s wife”-that if she is indeed running a “ho house”, she better not be charging more than $0.50 per hour because that’s all she’s worth.
During this broadcast of Impact Wrestling, we get a commercial for WWE’s Hell in a Cell PPV. Gotta love that.
$379 for a TNA cruise? What a rip-off.
Back from commercial, we see Jeff Hardy walk into the building.
MATCH 1-“Queen’s Qualifier” Series Match: Knockout Tag Team Co-Champion Miss Tessmacher vs. Mickie James
Tessy does her little faux stripping bit, despite the fact that Karen Jarrett told her not to. Ooh, what a rebel. Why does Mickie James move around in such a jerky fashion? It looks very awkward. Tie-up to start. James with an arm wringer, but Tessy reverses. Taz keeps calling Tessy “Brooke”. Way to break the fourth wall, Taz. James gets a side headlock on the mat. Back up, she goes back to the arm wringer into an arm bar. Tessy breaks it up with some forearms. James comes back with a snapmare and a basement dropkick. Tessy comes back with a hurricanrana for 2, followed by a dropkick and a cross body in the corner. Tessy gives James the stinkface. James comes back with some awkward clotheslines and a back elbow. James botches a flapjack. She follows that with the jumping tornado DDT to get the 3.
WINNER: Mickie James, who has now qualified for the Knockouts Championship 4-way match with Winter and Velvet Sky. Shaping up to be a workrate dream.
We see a video of Mexican America yelling in half-Spanish in a parking lot. Anarquia says something about going to Heavenly Ink Tattoo to get something done on his chest. He and Hernandez jump in the back of a low-rider pick-up as Los Prostitutos jump into the cab. Nothing stereotypical or racist about this at all. No, sir.
We see Al Snow lecturing Jeff Hardy. He understands why Hardy is being shut down by all the boys, but he understands we all make mistakes, and he respects Hardy for admitting he was wrong. He tells Hardy not to make the same mistake again, and start by making amends with the top of the company and working his way down. He then tells Hardy he’s there if Hardy needs him.
MATCH 2-World X-Division Championship: Jesse Sorensen vs. World X-Division Champion Austin Aries
You know, I’m a big Aries fan, but does anyone else find him really creepy-looking? They start with a tie-up. Aries does a whole bunch of moves here. I can’t even recap them, he was moving too fast. He eventually breaks and backs himself into a corner. Aries with a knee to the gut, followed by a side headlock. They criss-cross, but Aries flips through and slides to the floor. He grabs Sorensen’s football from ringside and does the Heisman pose. Sorensen with a baseball slide dropkick and a slingshot plancha to the floor. Kid Kash makes his way down as Sorensen starts climbing the ropes. Aries cuts him off and goes for a superplex, but Sorensen pushes him off and hits a jackknife cross body (think Orton’s old move) for 2. Sorensen with a kick and a clothesline for another 2. Sorensen gets a hard corner whip, but Aries elbows out of a charge. He goes for a middle rope double axe handle, but Sorensen connects with a dropkick for 2. Sorensen goes for his twisting neckbreaker, but Aries gets out and backs Sorensen into a corner. Sorensen boots out of a charge. Kid Kash now has Sorensen’s football and shoves it into Sorensen’s chest. Sorensen throws it right at Kash’s back as he walks away. Kash gets on the apron and gets in Sorensen’s face, leading to Aries hitting a running dropkick to the back, followed by a roll-up for 3.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Austin Aries. Not a bad match, but the finish was really weak. When was the last time someone won with a dropkick? Jim Brunzell?
Backstage, Mr. Anderson and RVD are cutting a promo about Blubber Ray and Jerry Lynn, who they are facing tonight. Both are facing Ray and Lynn in singles matches at BFG as well. There’s not much more to tell here.
You know, using Staind for a TNA music video was bad enough. Red Jumpsuit Apparatus isn’t a whole lot better.
We see Mexican America in the crappiest-looking tattoo shop I’ve ever seen. Anarquia is getting the word “Impossible” done on his chest. The artist says she has another appointment, but is having another artist take care of it. Anarquia says he’s scared of needles and asks Hernandez to get on his knees and pray with him. They do. All of a sudden, Ink Inc. show up and attack Hernandez and Anarquia. Hernandez dumps a bottle of hooch all over Jesse Neal. Neal gives him a spinebuster through a table. In another part of the shop, Shannon Moore and Anarquia are fighting. God, Anarquia can’t even sell properly here as Shannon goes to throw him over a chair, but he actually jumps it instead. I love how this tattoo shop just happened to have a pre-cut table and a pre-weakened garbage can. Ink Inc. (worst tag team name ever) proceed to give Anarquia a tattoo as Neal covers the camera lens.
Jeff Hardy walks into Matt Morgan’s trailer and asks if he’s seen Kurt. Morgan says no, but then wants to talk. He lays into Jeff about his PPV performance a few months ago, and calls it a slap to his face. Morgan says he’d be a hypocrite if he didn’t give Hardy another chance, as he used to be a painkiller addict and is 4 years sober. He says this is Jeff’s only second chance, and if Jeff screws up, Morgan will be the first motherf***er to hunt his ass down (his words). He says Jeff is too talented for this and could be the biggest role model in wrestling. Just like that, I can’t take Matt Morgan seriously anymore.
I wonder if Hugh Jackman realizes that Real Steel was already done on an episode of Futurama?
Back from commercials, we see RVD laid out through a table in the back with a chair wrapped around his neck.
Jeff Hardy is in the back talking to Kurt Angle. Angle says he doesn’t want Jeff Hardy, and neither does anyone else. Wow, I actually agree with Angle for once. Angle says Jeff needs to get out of here for good. Jeff Hardy asks Kurt who he is to judge Jeff. And for once, I agree with Jeff as well. Angle starts to walk away, but Jeff stops him. He says Angle doesn’t want him here because he’s Angle’s biggest threat. Angle says “Don’t ever say that to my face again.”
Angle comes out to the ring. He says that, before he begins his speech, he’d like to invite #1 contender Robert Roode out to the ring right now. Guess Angle forgot he’s going by “Bobby” again. Roode makes his way out as we go to commercial.
Back from break, Angle congratulates Roode for beating Kazarian last week. Tonight, Roode will face Christopher Daniels, a man who took advantage of his best friend a few weeks ago. He says the question is whether or not Daniels will play by the rules tonight. Roode asks Angle if this is really going to work. Roode says that he has given everything to wrestling for the last 13 years, and has sacrificed everything for his match at BFG. He calls Angle the greatest wrestler that ever lived, but that one thing Angle needs to know about him is that at BFG, nothing or nobody will stop him from walking out with the World title. My god, Angle’s face is weird here. He looks like a stubbly, anorexic John Waters. He says he knows a man who will stand in Roode’s way, and it’s probably his best friend in the business. Cue James Storm.
Storm says he can see what Roode is thinking, and that he’s going to get in Roode’s face or that Immortal bought him out. Storm says Roode knows him, and he makes his own rules. He’s not out here to get into it with Roode; he’s here to get into it with Angle. Storm says since Angle has all the stroke here, he should get on his knees and stroke his beer bottle. Storm says Angle should make a match between himself and Storm for tonight. Angle asks Storm if he thinks Storm is going to show him up, and says he’s out of his mind. Storm says he’s not out here to show him up, and he’s going to earn Angle’s respect one way or another. He says he knows Angle likes a good challenge, so he needs to put his gear on and they’ll see each other later tonight. Insert James Storm catchphrase here. Hey, guy who plays a drunk vs. an actual drunk later tonight! Huzzah!
MATCH 3-2-on-1 Handicap Match: Bully Ray and Jerry Lynn vs. Mr. Anderson
Fun trivia fact: Jerry Lynn held my daughter when she was only a couple of months old. One of the nicest guys in wrestling. Mr. Anderson comes out and does his awful microphone bit. Mike Tenay says RVD has been taken out of here in an ambulance and this is now a handicap match. Anderson starts off with Ray. Dear god. They are showing tweets featuring the #ImpactWrestling hashtag at the beginning of this match. Ray immediately tags in Lynn. Lynn gets on a waistlock and pushes Anderson into the corner. Anderson fights out and eventually gets a somersault fireman’s carry slam. He goes to the top rope, but Ray crotches him behind the ref’s back. Lynn with some stomps before tagging in Blubber Ray. Ray gets an elbow to the back and a bodyslam. Ray hits a running splash for 2, and then goes for a reverse chinlock. He elbows Anderson before tagging in Lynn. Anderson comes back with some punches, but Lynn gets a corner whip. Lynn does a roll into a thumb to the eye. Funny spot. Lynn goes for Rolling Thunder, but lands on his feet and just kicks Anderson instead. Lynn with a corner whip before tagging in Ray. He whips Ray into the corner, but Anderson ducks and hits a running clothesline on Lynn as Ray crashes into the corner. Anderson with punches and clotheslines on both. Anderson hits a swinging neckbreaker on Ray. Honky Tonk Man he isn’t. Anderson gets a 2 before a back body drop to Lynn. A roundhouse kick to Ray gets 2 before Lynn breaks it up. He throws Lynn out before Ray goes for the Bully Bomb. Anderson reverses out into the Mic Check, but only gets 2 as Lynn pulls him to the floor. Anderson shoves Lynn into the steps and gets back into the ring to hit the Kenton Bomb. Lynn comes off the top as Anderson goes for the pin, but Anderson moves out of the way, causing Lynn to splash Ray. Lynn thrown back out again. Anderson gets 2 on Ray. Ray gets to the middle rope, but Anderson picks him up on his shoulders. Lynn back in with a dropkick to Anderson’s knee. The ref tries to throw Lynn out, allowing Ray to clothesline Anderson with his wallet chain. The ref turns around to count the 3.
WINNERS: Bully Ray and Jerry Lynn.
James Storm is in the back. He’s happy for Bobby Roode, but just because Roode won the BFG series doesn’t mean Storm won’t start some trouble. He says Angle thinks he’s the big fish, and it’s time for Angle to get out of Storm’s pond.
Daniels comes out in his street clothes and grabs a microphone. Daniels says Angle thinks he has all the answers. He hates to throw a monkey wrench into Angle’s plans, because he won’t be wrestling Bobby Roode tonight. He says the match would be great, but he has nothing left to prove. He reminds us he beat A.J. Styles three weeks ago. He says Roode is a great wrestler, but Styles is a former World Champion and Grand Slam winner, and that there’s nothing that can top that. He says to Roode, “Why even bother?”
Styles makes his way out on this note. He asks Daniels if this is an on-going joke because he keeps taking jabs at Styles every time he gets a microphone. Daniels says that Styles will eventually accept the facts. Styles says he accepts the facts and that Daniels is the one who refuses to move on. Daniels calls himself the better man. Styles says he’s glad Daniels got his confidence back, but if he keeps talking about Styles, they’ll have another match. Daniels says no, since they said it was the last time and Daniels won. Styles slaps him in the face. Daniels says he didn’t know Styles was a sore loser and a bitch. Styles takes Daniels down and starts punching him. Eventually, indy security comes out to break up the fight, backing each in opposite corners. Daniels jumps over some of the security guards and knocks Daniels down in the process as we go to another commercial.
Back from break, Daniels and Styles are still fighting, directing the fight out into the crowd. Ink Inc. and Mexican America could learn from this on how to make a brawl look real. They fight around the Direct Auto Insurance booth. Plugs don’t get more shameless than that. They fight their way back to the ring. Kazarian gets in the ring and manages to separate them. Funny that Kazarian could do it by himself, but roughly 10 security guys couldn’t. Kazarian calms them both down. Everything seems okay until Daniels kicks Styles square in the junk. The kick looked damn good, too.
Angle is in the back with Scott Steiner. He says he’s going to let his trainer-Steiner-talk for him about his match with Storm tonight. Steiner says Angle is going to kick Storm’s ass. I love Scott Steiner promos, so I was disappointed here as he didn’t slur his words or come up with the most nonsensical crap known to man. Sad face.
Storm/Angle is next.
We see footage that was filmed during the commercial. Kazarian was in the back, trying to calm Daniels down. Kazarian says this isn’t pro wrestling bullsh**, this is family. Kazarian says he and Styles are not his enemies. Daniels is tired of being in Styles’ shadow. He tells Kazarian that, if he wants to fix someone’s attitude, he needs to fix Styles’.
Kazarian goes to Styles’ locker room. Styles is pissed, obviously. Kazarian calls the whole thing bullsh**, and says that Daniels can’t separate pro wrestling from real life. I spot a jar of Syntha-6 in the background. That protein is crap. Styles pukes in a garbage can.
In Bischoff’s office, he says he can fix the situation between Sting and Hogan. Hogan says he has a bombshell he’ll be dropping next week (Spoiler alert: He announces another fake retirement).
MATCH 4: James Storm vs. World Champion Kurt Angle (non-title)
God, Angle looks disgusting. I know I harp on this every week, but damn! How can he possibly be healthy looking like that? Somehow, Angle’s arms jiggle like he’s got arm flab, despite the fact that his arms are practically skin and bones at this point. Angle starts off with a shove, but Storm gets a double-leg takedown. Angle reverses into a waistlock. Storm gets into the ropes. Taz says he’s tried to out-wrestle Kurt before and it didn’t work. Guess he forgot he ended Angle’s undefeated streak. Storm and Angle trade some moves, with Storm gaining the advantage with a hip throw into a side headlock on the mat. Back up, Storm gets a shoulder block and goes back to the hip throw/headlock combo. Back up, Angle gets Storm down and into a headlock. Angle gets a European uppercut on Storm, but Storm back body drops Angle to the floor. Outside, Storm with a punch before throwing Angle into the barricade. He tries to slam Angle’s head into the stairs, but Angle reverses. Angle hits a belly-to-belly suplex on the entrance ramp before throwing Storm back in the ring. Angle a stomp before going to a reverse chinlock. Storm fights out with elbows, but Angle kitchen sinks him off the ropes for 2. Angle goes to the waistlock, and it looks like he’s split his elbow open. They go for an Irish whip series, leading to both attempting a cross body at the same time, sending both crashing to the mat. Back up, Storm with some punches, an inverted atomic drop, a clothesline, a back elbow and another clothesline. Storm hits a lung blower for 2. In the corner, Storm gets a couple of shots. Angle reverses a corner whip, but eats a boot. Storm goes for a clothesline, but runs into an overhead belly-to-belly for 2. Angle goes for the Angle Slam, but Storm reverses. He sets up for a powerbomb or piledriver, but Angle reverses into the ankle lock.
WINNER: No contest.
End of show.
One of the better episodes of Impact Wrestling that’s been on in a while, although the knockouts match sucked and there were far too many talking segments. The Mexican America/Ink Inc. segment was total garbage
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