So, for the opening rant, I think I’ll discuss Matt Hardy briefly. Yes, I know. We discussed him getting arrested for drunk driving already. That was the first time. For those that don’t know, Matt Hardy was arrested again on a DWI charge on September 12th. As you would expect, Matt immediately went to Twitter, telling us all he was framed. Basically, he said the exact same thing he said the last time he got arrested for this.
You know, I could crack a bunch of jokes here, but much like Kurt Angle, it’s not even funny anymore. Much like Kurt Angle, Matt has severe problems and refuses to get help. As a result, he’s endangering himself as well as all of those around him. At this point, both men are total train wrecks and, despite desperately needing help, neither one of them will get it. You can’t get help unless you admit you have a problem, and neither are willing to do that. In Matt’s case, he tried to tell us all he had a problem and that he was going to get help. I feel sorry for those of you that believed that tripe. Clearly, Matt was only trying to make himself look good in that regard. If he was telling the truth, how in the hell did he get arrested for driving while intoxicated yet again?
To hell with you, Matt.
Okay, enough of that. On with Impact Wrestling for 9/15/11. I’m not going to go into what happened at No Surrender, as it’s already been covered here. However, if you were wondering what happened but don’t feel like reading, just look at the card and predict the winners of each match. I can almost guarantee you’ll be batting 1000, as it sounded about as predictable as it gets. I didn’t watch it, of course. I haven’t paid to watch TNA in at least 6 years; I’m not about to start now.
We get a recap of the finals of the TNA Wrestling “Bound For Glory Series” that took place at the PPV. Bobby Roode won, so he gets the title match at BFG. He will face Angle, who won the 3-way at the PPV, thus retaining the title.
We start the show with Ric Flair coming out, in his ring gear. Are we starting the show with the Sting/Flair match (which I hear will be beyond horrible)? Flair calls Sting out “one last time”. Yeah, right. How many times have we heard say those words in the past? Sting makes his way out, and he’s got a long version of the “Sgt. Pepper” jacket on. Flair says tonight, it’s Sting vs. Gawd, and one man walks out of the ring tonight retired, or one man walks out, goes to the hotel and gets drunk. Flair says he told Hogan he would beat Sting regardless of the odds, and Sting is only getting to Hogan over Flair’s dead body. Sting says if that’s the case, Flair will die tonight. Sting says he will make Flair’s life a living hell starting now. Flair says blood, sweat and tears for Sting’s ass. Sting wants the match now. Indy security guards come out to get between them as Flair continues to scream incoherently.
Backstage, we see Jeff Hardy entering the building. Is he going to ask for his 50th last chance again tonight?
Back to the show, Jeff Hardy’s rambling about how he’s going to “address the boys” and “make things right”. Whatever.
MATCH 1-8-Person Inter-Gender Tag Team Match: Mexican America (World Tag Team Champions Anarquia & Hernandez, Rosita and Sarita) vs. Devon, D’Angelo Dinero, and Knockouts Tag Team Champions Tara and Miss Tessmacher
Boy, this match just SCREAMS workrate. Devon and Hernandez start off with a tie-up. Devon with a side headlock. Devon with a flying shoulderblock. Hernandez tags in Anarquia, who eats a hip toss. Pope tags in with a punch off the middle rope and an atomic drop. Inverted atomic drop and a modified bulldog by Pope before he hits some elbows for 2. The giant Mexican flag is still hanging down, pissing off half the crowd who can’t see the match. Behind the ref’s back, Los Prostitutos are stomping Devon. Hernandez tags in and gets whipped onto Pope by his partner before Anarquia hits a stupid-looking modified bulldog. Pope comes back with a clothesline. Pope tags in Devon, who hits a flying clothesline and a hangman’s neckbreaker for 2. Pope and Hernandez are back in. Hernandez takes the urinage while Pope works on Anarquia in the corner. Rosita and Sarita try to attack from behind, but are chased away by Tara and Tessy. The non-Spaniard women start flirting with Devon’s teenage sons. Devon and Pope clothesline the tag champs. Tara and Tessy spear the other broads while Devon and Pope clothesline the tag champs to the floor. Tara and Tessy hit stereo rydeen bombs to get the 3.
WINNERS: Devon, D’Angelo Dinero, Tara and Miss Tessmacher. The knockouts got the pin, despite neither of them were the legal competitors in the match. Total clusterf*ck.
In Karen Jarrett’s office, Traci Brooks walks in, looking like Aksana. Jarrett starts laying into her for whatever reason, tells Brooks to cover up her boobs, then tells Brooks she has class. She tells Traci Brooks she has a job for her, making her call Karen “ma’am”. She tells Traci to bring all of the knockouts to her office, and wipe the dirty look off her face.
How does Jennifer Lopez still have a career of any kind? And since when did Fiat make a come back?
Back in Karen Jarrett’s office, she and my soul mate Madison Rayne are sucking up to each other. Jarrett says the game between Mickie James and Winter is over, and there’s no rematch. She says there will be “Queen’s Qualifier” matches over the next three weeks. Mickie James will face Miss Tessmacher, Tara will take on Rayne and Velvet Sky will face Angelina Love tonight. The winners of the matches will compete against Winter at Bound For Glory for the title. Madison Rayne is screeching like a banshee before sucking up to Karen Jarrett again. If Mickie James had stayed around for this, we’d have a full horse stable right now.
Back in the ring, four members of the five-man Fourtune are in the ring. A.J. Styles introduces us to Bobby Roode. Booby Roode comes out. Anyone else notice that the Beer Money theme features the word “sh*t” several times? James Storm looks rather douchey here tonight. Not that this is anything new. Styles says it’s a privilege to acknowledge what Roode did on Sunday. The crowd is chanting “next world champ”. Styles says there is no doubt in anyone’s mind that Roode will become the next champion. Nothing against Roode, but I don’t see it happening. Christopher Daniels takes the mic and says he’s done a lot of things in his career-including beating a former World Champion that’s in the ring right now, and wants to congratulate Roode. He says Roode’s victory over Blubber Ray was inspiring, almost as inspiring as his win over Styles. Daniels says as long as Roode believes in himself, everyone else will believe in him, too. He talks about beating Styles again. Kaz says that, no matter what, the members of Fourtune would always have each others’ backs, and they’ve done more for the company than anyone else. Kaz says they all have goals, and Roode accomplished his. Kaz says no one on the roster deserves to be champion on the roster more than Roode. Now we have to listen to James Storm. He calls Roode the future World Champion. He talks about how they were thrown together as a team at random, and they made it work. They’ve always turned chicken poop into chicken salad. He says he can’t say the cuss word. Funny, because the guy singing the entrance theme can. Storm talks about them being on the road, and how it all boils down to the match with Angle at BFG. Storm says he wishes it was him, but Roode is like his brother, and he’s glad Roode gets the spot. He spews his catchphrase at Kurt Angle. Guess who comes out next?
Kurt “Repeat Offender” Angle makes his way to the ring. He looks like a coked-up serial killer with that smile on his face. He says that everyone is right in that Roode clawed his way to the top of the series and became the #1 contender. Well, no sh*t, Captain Obvious. Angle calls Fourtune the “Five Musketeers”, and questions whether or not the other guys in the group are envious of Roode. They all deny it. He says Storm has a great poker face. Everyone is here for the same reason, and that’s the World Championship. He calls Bobby Roode “Robert’, and says they’re jealous of him, and he’ll prove it. Since the Bischoff/Hogan stroke has rubbed off on him (insert your own joke here), Angle has booked Roode in a match. For the next few weeks, he’ll take on each member of Fourtune, and if any of them beat Roode, those who beat him will be at the top of the totem pole. Tonight, Kazarian will be the first person Roode has to face.
Up next, Velvet Sky takes on an anorexic blow-up doll with jailhouse tattoos.
Bischoff is on the phone in his office. Whoever was on the other line is apparently on their way to the Impact Zone. Kurt Angle is in his office. He congratulates Angle on the match he made a minute ago, calling it a “gold medal idea”.
MATCH 2-“Queen’s Qualifier”: Angelina Love (w/Knockouts Champion Winter) vs. Velvet Sky
Holy hell, Angelina Love is repulsive. She looks like she has both anorexia and leprosy at the same time. As Sky is doing her entrance, Love hip-bumps her to the floor. Love with some kicks as the referee counts. Back in the ring, Love gets 2. Love is kicking her in the hip. Velvet kicks off a back body drop attempt and hits a modified bulldog. Commercial.
Back from the break, Love gets 2, followed by some elbows to the back. Love throws Sky head-first into the turnbuckle a couple times, followed up with some gut stomps. Sky gets her foot up on a corner charge, and a sunset flip gets 2. Love comes back with a jumping clothesline and a rear chinlock. Sky elbows out and hits a jawbreaker. She runs to the ropes, but is tripped up by Winter. Love hits some sloppy punches to the head, then chokes Sky on the middle rope with her knee. Behind the ref’s back, Winter does some choking, too. Love gets another 2 before going back to the chinlock. Sky’s getting some chunk around her midsection. Love with some forearms to the back of the neck and a knee to the gut. Sky reverses an Irish whip, causing Love and Winter to almost collide. Love puts on the breaks, but turns around into a clothesline. After a little offense, Sky hits a sloppy inverted bulldog. Winter gets on the apron and tries to hit Sky with the belt, but Sky ducks and Love takes the shot to the face. Bet that’s not the first time someone’s said that about Angelina Love. Sky hits the Beau-DT to get the 3.
WINNER: Velvet Sky. If you’re wondering what the “Beau-DT” is, it’s a really sucktacular version of the snap DDT The Miz uses.
Backstage, Jeff Hardy tries to talk to A.J. Styles. Styles doesn’t want to talk. He talks about how he’s been here for nine years, building the company, and Jeff Hardy nearly destroyed it in one night. He calls Hardy selfish and says he tried to take money away from Styles and his family. He says he’s killing himself for the company, not drinking and doing drugs. Styles says there won’t ever be a time or place for Hardy to be around him. Jeff walks off, looking very sadpants.
Backstage, Ric Flair meets up with Hulk Hogan. Hogan is glad to see Flair is ready to go and is taking this thuper-therioul. Hogan says, just in case, he’s got a plan B. Sting pops up and says he wants to know what the plan is. His plan is to go through Flair to get to Hogan. Hogan and Flair ramble on some more before walking away.
We get Crimson via satellite from Brooklyn (i.e., he’s in a dressing room in the Impact Zone). He talks about how Samoa Joe wrecked his leg and knocked him out of the BFG series. He says he has a hairline fracture in his leg. Taz asks about the bad blood between Joe and Crimson. Crimson doesn’t know what it’s about. He says Joe tempted fate doing what he did, and that he will pay. Crimson says he’ll be back in two weeks.
MATCH 3-Submission Match: Samoa Joe vs. Matt Morgan
Does anyone else how to pronounce “Samoa” correctly? It’s pronounced “saw-mo-ah”. Jeez. Anyhoo, this is a return match from No Surrender. Joe attacks from behind, but Morgan turns around and gets Joe in the corner with some shots, followed by his repeated back elbow move thingy. Why do Tenay and Taz keep saying “wheelhouse”? Morgan with some more shots. Joe with a jawbreaker and a modified leg sweep. Joe is attacking Morgan’s left leg before going for a choke, but Morgan gets to the ropes. Morgan with more shot, but Joe with a running elbow strike takes Morgan back down. Joe goes back for the choke, but Morgan gets a rope break once again. They’re trading punches now. Morgan gets three uppercuts, followed by more punches. Morgan takes Joe down with a discus clothesline and a sidewalk slam off the turnbuckles. Joe tries for a belly-to-belly, but Morgan escapes and hits a Michinoku driver #2. Morgan locks in a triangle choke-style move, but Joe gets a rope break. Morgan signals for the Carbon Footprint. Joe sidesteps and goes for a kick, but Morgan blocks and tries for a chokeslam. Joe gets the ref between them, followed by an eye poke. Joe picks Morgan up in a really crappy over-the-shoulder gutbuster thing before locking in a heel hook to get the submission.
WINNER: Samoa Joe. That’s the first time Joe’s won a match in, what, 10 months or so?
In a locker room, Kazarian’s getting ready for his match. Angle walks in all excited. He says he’s looking for the next top contender before asking Kaz how many title shots he’s had. He says Kaz is the number one guy in Fourtune before trying to get a handshake. He glad-hands Kaz some more before walking out.
In another part of the Impact Zone, Devon is laying into Jeff Hardy. He says they’ve known each other for 12 years, and he cares too much about Jeff, but won’t sit here and let Jeff throw everything they’ve built up away. Devon says he knows the real Jeff Hardy, and Jeff needs to get it straight and get his head cleared. Devon won’t turn his back on Jeff, but will grab Jeff by the neck and throw him through the wall if that’s what it takes to help Jeff get right. Devon says if Jeff fails again, it will be over. He says he’s got Jeff’s back.
Kazarian/Roode happens next.
Does TNA Wrestling have a policy in place where all of their t-shirts have to look like Affliction merchandise?
MATCH 4-Kazarian vs. Bobby Roode
Kazarian comes out to the awful Fourtune theme. Apparently, he’s the only member of the group who doesn’t get his own music. Bobby Roode gets pyro this week. He appears to have a bunch of black crap stuck to his chest, not to mention some very generic-looking new tights. They start with a tie-up. Kazarian turns it into an armbar. Roode flips out into a hammerlock. They trade a bunch of other moves before getting a stand-off. Another tie-up and Kaz goes to the waist. Roode reverses into a waistlock takedown into a front chancery. Kaz tries to reverse, but Roode counters with an arm drag. Roode with an arm bar. Kaz flips out, but misses a springboard legdrop. Kaz throws Roode into the ropes. They trade some leapfrogs. Kaz goes for a springboard tornado DDT, but Roode reverses into a northern lights suplex for 2. Another tie-up, with Kaz getting Roode into the corner. He lays in some forearms. Roode looks pissed before hitting some of his own. He gets a flying forearm off the ropes before clothesline Kaz over the top rope to the floor. Roode follows him to the outside to check on him. Kaz shoves him off. Roode with a shove of his own before Kaz lays in a punch to the face. Back in the ring, Kaz hits a slingshot legdrop for 2, followed by a gutwrench suplex for another 2. Kaz with a cravat now, but Roode’s back up to his feet. He tries to fight out, but eats a kneelift to the face. Kaz throws Roode into the corner, but Roode comes back with a pair of clotheslines and a back body drop. Roode with the middle rope blockbuster for 2. Kaz reverses a corner whip and goes for his awful inverted tombstone, but Roode reverses into the Bowflex to earn the tap-out.
WINNER: Bobby Roode. Backstage, Angle is watching a monitor, and is angry about what he just saw. Back in the ring, Roode tries to help Kaz up, but Kaz shrugs him off. He eventually swallows his pride and shakes Roode’s hand, telling him “You’re ready.”
So far, this has easily been the best match of the night. It wasn’t great, but not terrible, either.
Up next, we get the nightmare known as Sting/Flair 2011.
Anyone else think Brad Pitt looks identical to Robert Redford in this trailer for Moneyball?
Back from the break, we get Kurt Angle hawking his movie Warrior. Based on what they’re showing here, it looks like he barely has a part. He looks either stoned or drunk during the interview.
Backstage, Kazarian is complimenting Bobby Roode. Pat Kenney nonsensically walks into frame before immediately walking out. Roode compliments Kazarian and says he’s like family.
Austin Aries is somewhere backstage talking about winning the X-Division title, and this is what the champion is supposed to look like. He’s renaming the division the “A-Double Division”, and will make his first title defense next week. Also next week, Christopher Daniels will take on Bobby Roode, Mickie James will take on Miss Tessmacher, and the team of Blubber Ray and Jerry Lynn will face Rob Van Dam and Mr. Anderson. This leads to a promo by Ray and Lynn. Lynn basically calls RVD nothing but a pothead, and Blubber says he’s going to take out Anderson. Lynn says he will kick RVD so hard in the face, he’ll knock all of his teeth out.
And now, it’s time for the match at least one person said was so bad, it did not deserve to air on television, and no, that one person was not me. Although considering it’s TNA and the fact that these guys have a combined age of over 110, I have very low expectations.
MATCH 5: Ric Flair vs. Sting
Sting is wearing black and pink gear here tonight. Bret Hart, he is not. Flair looks more pitiful than ever. They start with a tie-up, but Sting throws him off. Sting with a headlock and a shoulder block to take Flair back down. Flair with an arm wringer. Sting backs Flair into the corner, allowing the clean break. Looking at Flair’s gut right now, I think he might be pregnant with a V baby. Look it up. Sting with a hammerlock, but Flair reverses into a drop toehold. Sting reverses into a hammerlock on the mat. Flair gets to the ropes. Back on their feet, Flair shoves Sting a few times before Sting slaps him down as we go to commercial.
Back from the break, Sting is laying in punches on Flair in the corner. Flair reverses into a corner whip. Sting reverses, but runs into an elbow. Flair goes up top, but Sting immediately throws him off. Bet you didn’t see that coming. The top of Flair’s head looks a lot like Hogan’s at this point. Sting clotheslines Flair to the floor, but Flair comes back with a kick to the gut. Flair whips Sting into the guardrail, but Sting no-sells and runs back with a clothesline. Flair rolls back into the ring and backs himself into a corner. Sting with punches in the corner, but he turns around to argue with the ref. Flair hits Sting with a blatant low-blow, but referee Earl Hebner is apparently blind. Tenay makes the very intelligent observation that Sting is wrestling like his career is on the line. That’s kind of the point in a match where he retires if he loses, f*ckwit. Sting misses a Stinger Splash, allowing Flair to hit a chop block and lock in the figure-4. When was the last time Flair beat anyone with this, let alone Sting? Flair holds the ropes for leverage while Hebner’s back is turned, getting a couple of 2-counts. Sting manages to turn the lock over, but Flair rolls over again into the ropes, breaking the hold. Both are back up now, with Flair getting a kick to Sting’s knee. A few more stomps on Sting’s knee as he rolls around on the mat. Flair picks Sting back up and drapes his leg across the middle rope in the corner. Flair with a few chops to the chest. Sting begins to no-sell this, begging for more. Flair hits a chop off the ropes and dances, but Sting no-sells. Flair pokes Sting in the eyes and goes up top, but Sting connects with a top rope superplex. Somehow, Flair didn’t just turn into dust right now. Sting gets 2 as Immortal runs down to interfere. Sting takes Gunner, Jarrett and Steiner out as Abyss just looks on. Hogan is checking on Flair in the corner. Blubber Ray comes in behind the ref’s back, but Anderson chases them all off with a chair. Hogan hands Flair a roll of taped-up napkins that are supposedly brass knuckles (read Bret Hart’s book). Flair connects with a punch, but only gets 2. Sting is no-selling the hell out of this match. Sting with a Stinger Splash, and then gets Flair in the scorpion death lock to get the submission victory.
End of show.
Well, this is supposed to lead to Sting/Hogan, but from what I’ve been reading, this (mercifully) won’t happen. The only bright spot on the show tonight was Kazarian/Roode, which was pretty solid. Otherwise, I’ve seen XPW put on better shows.
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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.