Before getting into the recap, two issues need to be addressed. The first is Jeff Hardy. For those that might not have heard it yet, Jeff Hardy finally plead guilty in a court of law to the charges leveled against him. As a result, Hardy will have to face some harsh punishment…if your idea of “harsh” is 10 days in jail, $100,000 in fees and 2-3 years probation.
That’s right-Hardy more or less got a slap on the wrist despite the charges leveled against him being felonious. This is a prime example of how stupid and superficial we are in this country. If you or I, the average person, had been investigated for these exact same charges, we’d be looking at 10-20 years in prison, if not more. But, because Jeff Hardy is a celebrity, he’s basically getting the equivalent of a kid in grade school getting detention. There are countless examples of celebrities breaking the law and facing next to no punishment, and Jeff Hardy can now join that ever-increasing list. And if you think Jeff’s learned his lesson, guess again. Hardy can claim he’s cleaned up and turned his life around all he wants, but this isn’t the first time he’s been busted for drugs in some capacity. Until I see some real proof that he’s changing for the better, I can practically guarantee this will happen again. As for his career in TNA, mark my words. Once he’s done his 10 days in jail, TNA will show their disappointment in him by giving him push after push, as well as more world title runs.
[adinserter block=”2″]Speaking of discipline cases, that brings us to good old Kurt Angle. As you should know by now, Angle was busted for DUI yet again this past Sunday. As Justin Henry mentioned in a column, this marks the fourth time Angle’s been busted in less than four years, with the last arrest happening just about five or six months ago, with three of those arrests being drinking-and-driving related. I’m not going to go into great length here, as both Justin and Eric have done a great job of already covering this pretty extensively, but I will say that Angle has been a complete discipline case since he signed with TNA, and I don’t bet this will ever change. In just a few years, Angle has transformed from one of the most talented, physically gifted wrestlers in the world to a psychotic, alcohol and drug abusing, stringy-armed nutcase. And guess what? As long as TNA keeps him employed, he will stay that way. Unlike problematic wrestlers like the Hardys, Angle has never once been punished by TNA to any extent whatsoever. As a result, Angle hasn’t learned a lesson of any kind. TNA has basically given him the impression that, no matter what he does, he’s going to keep his job and be the top guy in the company. Not only does this give the rest of the TNA locker room the idea that, as long as you’re a high-paid main eventer, you’ll never have to worry about finding a job, but it also teaches Angle absolutely no lessons and gets him no help for his problems. And if there’s anyone in the company that needs a lesson taught to him, as well as help, it’s Angle. Angle is a giant rehab festival waiting to happen, and everyone seems to know it except for himself and Dixie Carter. Does the guy have to wrap his car around a tree a’la Matt Hardy before any actual punishment comes his way and he realizes he needs help?
Angle, if you’re reading this, people like you not only have a disease, but truly are a disease, and if you do not get help very soon, someone innocent is going to wind up hurt or worse because of you and your reckless behavior. Worse yet, you yourself could wind up dead. You’ve already lost your wife and family because of your obsessive and abusive behaviors, not to mention your addictions also cost you your job with WWE. How many more need to get hurt before you finally wake the hell up and admit you have problems and need help? If you want to go ahead and kill yourself slowly with alcohol and drugs, that’s your business. But when you potentially endanger the lives of others, that is when what you do becomes the business of everyone else.
Okay, enough of that. Sorry if I went long there. When I get on certain subjects, I can rant with the best of them.
Onto a more light-hearted note, let’s get on with the recap for the 9/8/11 edition of Impact, featuring the return of the aforementioned Jeff Hardy. He will be given the opportunity to speak his mind to the crowd, as well as the TV viewing audience. This should be stunning.
We get a recap of last week to start the show, which saw Mr. Anderson forget that he hates Sting and save him from a beat down from Angle and Hogan. You know, if you need saving from Angle and Hogan at this point, I’d say it’s time to call it a career.
Once again, Impact is “live” from Huntsville, Alabama tonight. Mr. Anderson makes his way to the ring. He says that, the last couple of weeks, he’s been a man of few words. I for one am grateful for that. He says he beats ass and then goes home and goes to sleep. I don’t think he thought that one through before saying. He admits to signing a deal with the devils, those being Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff. He says joining Immortal was a business decision, but not a good one. He asks the crowd to boo him. They do. Because of one “meddling scumbag” in Immortal, that being Bully Ray, Mr. Anderson is now on the outside looking in. He says thank you to Bully Ray, and that if people thought he was annoying before, just wait. Fantastic. Starting tonight, he’s going to be an even bigger pain in the ass. He then starts ranting about Kurt Angle, and that Kurt Angle has overlooked the fact that Anderson still has a rematch for the title, as he never got one after losing the belt to Sting. He’s cashing in his rematch tonight. He calls Angle, even though he knows Angle won’t be coming alone. Anderson has back-up as well in Sting. You know, that guy who destroyed his truck and beat him for the title? Yeah, that guy.
Sting comes out and reminds us that Immortal cost him to lose to Angle in a title match last week. He calls himself a fungus, and refers to Hogan’s arms as “21 inch pythons”. I doubt they’re even that big anymore. Tonight, Sting is wielding the power of “The Network”, and they’ve apparently given him the authority to call the shots tonight. Sting announces himself as the special enforcer in Anderson’s match with Angle tonight. He plans to take all of Hogan’s power away. He and Anderson then hug.
Tonight, Velvet Sky and Mickie James face Winter and Angelina Love, and there will be a 4-Corners Match between the top four in the BFG series-Blubber Ray, Tom Cruise and Beer Money Inc.
You could not pay me enough to go on the “Coastal Chaos Cruise” with the Impact Wrestling roster. Just saying.
MATCH 1-#1 Contender’s Match for the World Tag Team Championship: Devon and D’Angelo Dinero vs. Magnus and Douglas Williams
God. Mexican America is on commentary right now. Kill me now. The winner will get the shot at No Surrender. Nothing like waiting until the last minute to make this match, huh? BTW, who in the hell did either of these teams beat to qualify for a #1 contenders match? Can anyone even recall the last time either team wrestled in a tag team match on this show? Devon and Magnus start off. Devon gets 2 off a spinning back elbow. Pope tags in and hits a flying shoulder block for 2. Pope with some elbows to the head, but Magnus lands a boot to the chest and some mounted punches. Williams tags in and hits a European uppercut. They trade some shots before Magnus tags back in. They hit a double straight jacket drop on Pope for 2. Magnus telegraphs a back body drop, but still connects with a clothesline for 2. Pope fights his way out of the Brits’ corner, but Magnus gets him into another corner. Williams hits a running knee in the opposite corner, followed by a top rope elbow by Magnus for 2. Williams holds Pope up for a boot, but Pope ducks and Williams eats the boot from Magnus. Pope hits his cool hammerlock DDT on Magnus and tags in Devon. Devon hits a few shoulder blocks, followed by an avalanche and sidewalk slam on Williams for 2. He gets a powerslam for another 2, but Magnus breaks it up. Devon hits them with a double clothesline and a standing spinebuster on Williams gets the 3.
WINNERS AND NEW #1 CONTENDERS: Devon and D’Angelo Dinero.
Backstage, Kurt Angle is ranting about Anderson, Sting and Jeff Hardy. Some guy named Eddie Alvarez walks in to greet Angle. Angle acts like they are friends. I’m going to assume he’s some MMA fighter. I don’t really care.
Back from commercial, and we get a highlight video of the top four in BFG series-including comments from the participants-set to a song by the band Staind. I guess Dixie Carter’s taste in music is worse than Vince McMahon’s.
Back in the arena, said four are in the ring. Blubber says that he is a tag team god. He is the be-all, end-all of tag team wrestling, and he knows a great tag team when he sees one. He calls Beer Money Inc. a great tag team, and they will go down in history as one of the greatest tag teams in all of wrestling. Jury’s out on that one. Now, the bad news is, he knows what’s going on through both of Beer Money’s minds right now. They both want to win the series and go on to become World Champion, but won’t admit it to each other. He says they’re both wondering how successful they could be on their own, as every tag team wrestler wonders that, including Blubber. Way to state the obvious. He points at Gunner and says Gunner is willing to do everything to make sure Blubber wins the series. Gunner’s giving him a dirty look now. Both members of Beer Money, on the other hand, will do what’s right for them individually. Ray says he doesn’t have to be in tonight’s 4-Corners Match tonight, but will, because he wants to wear Beer Money down. He says he’s the next World Champion. If that happens, I don’t think I will be able to watch anymore.
Bobby Roode gets a microphone and says people want Blubber to shut the hell up. He says Blubber doesn’t intimidate him and won’t get into his head. He says Blubber was right about Beer Money’s greatness. He says he’s focused on becoming the next World Champion, and it’s been a dream for both him and James Storm, and that’s the dream of every wrestler in history. I feel like I’ve heard this approximately 10,567 times before. Roode says there will only be one man winning the series on Sunday. Blubber points to himself repeatedly. Roode asks him who is going to be the better man on that night, before saying it obviously won’t be Gunner. I like Roode a lot more after that comment. He also says it won’t be Blubber’s fat ass. I like even more after that one, too. Roode says that, whether it’s him or Storm walking out as the next champ at BFG, they will share the celebration and the victory, and no matter what, no one will ever come between their bond or kill Beer Money.
James Storm grabs a microphone and spews his stupid catchphrase. Was there even a point to that segment? And did Gunner even need to be there? He didn’t say a damn word. Not that I’m complaining, as he truly sucks on a microphone.
These new commercials for Droid Bionic are ridiculously overproduced and have nearly nothing to do with the actual phones. Oh, and if you plan on seeing “Buck Larson: Born To Be A Star”, don’t ever, EVER speak to me again.
Yet another Bound For Glory video package for the finals of the BFG series.
We get a clip of Eddie Alvarez fighting. He’s on commentary with a title belt. I’m guessing he’s a champion in MMA, but I’m not about to find out because I don’t care.
MATCH 2-World Television Championship: World Television Champion Eric Young vs. Robbie E
Holy s**t. The TV title is actually getting defended tonight? Wow, it only took him, what, 3 months? Taz tries to tell us Robbie E qualifies for the X-division, but Young does not. No way in hell Young weighs more than 225. Young knocks Robbie down and steps on his back. Robbie reverses a corner whip and does the Flair flip, but Robbie punches Young and gets a 2 with his feet on the ropes. Robbie hits a shot to the gut and some stupid slam. He tries to get another pin with his foot on the ropes, but the referee sees it. Robbie with a bodyslam. He gets on the middle rope, does some fist pumping and hits an elbow. Goes for a pin with his foot on the rope again. The referee won’t count it. Young takes his shorts off, revealing he’s wearing a pair of Robbie E’s tights. There’s nothing blatantly homoerotic about that. No, sir. Young hits some punches, a flying forearm and a bodyslam. Young goes up top and hits an elbow for 2. Young goes for a powerbomb, but Robbie rolls out. They reverse each other a few times before Young hits a piledriver for 3.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Eric Young. Rob Terry runs in and hits Young with a hoisted powerbomb. Guess his reunion with Magnus and Williams was forgotten. They immediately cut to commercial after the powerbomb. Weird spot to cut away at. This match sucked, and Young’s piledriver looked really bad.
Backstage, Jerry Lynn confronts Rob Van Dam. He basically says he’s sick of living in RVD’s shadow all these years. He’s good enough to make wrestlers look good and put others over, but not good enough to get a TNA contract. He says he’s been working in a warehouse the last few years. He told Bischoff and Hogan he’s better than RVD, and that yes, he screwed RVD last week. RVD knocks him to the floor.
In another locker room, Velvet Sky and Mickie James are talking. Mickie James is carrying a purse dog for whatever reason. Karen Jarrett walks in and say two dogs in the room are enough, and we don’t need three. She congratulates Mickie on winning the Knockouts title, but Winter has a rematch at No Surrender. She says Sky needs to go out there and blow the roof off the place because there’s more to wrestling than shaking your ass. She then tells Velvet she needs to lose a few pounds and lay off the cupcakes. I think Karen’s just mad because she lives on salt likes and bags of oats.
We see Jeff Hardy walk in. He looks fatter than usual. I thought meth addicts were skinny?
Apparently, our main event for the evening is happening halfway through the show, meaning Hardy will actually get the final spot on the show tonight.
MATCH 3-World Championship: Mr. Anderson vs. World Champion Kurt Angle (special enforcer: Sting)
Anderson does his stupid microphone schtick, and says “Ala-frickin’-bama” when addressing the crowd. God, I hate him. Speaking of people I hate, here comes Kurt Angle. He looks skinnier and stringier than ever. Seriously, is he starving himself, doing a load of drugs, or both? He looks beyond sickly at this point. Jeremy Borash is finally not wearing a suit that matches the ring. He does the introductions for everyone. They start with a lock-up. Anderson backs Angle into a corner and gets a clean break. Another lock-up that Anderson turns into a side headlock. Angle gets out and puts on a side headlock of his own. Angle knocks Anderson down off an Irish whip, followed by a hip throw into a side headlock. Anderson throws him off and catches a back elbow off the ropes. In the corner, Anderson lays in some shots. Angle goes for a clothesline, but Anderson reverses into a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Anderson whips Angle into the corner for another 2. Another corner whip, but Angle boots Anderson off and hits a clothesline for a 1-count. Angle goes back to the headlock again. Anderson elbows out, but Angle catches a kitchen sink off the ropes for 2. Back to the headlock. Angle’s been studying Randy Orton tapes, I see. Orton “stole” the Angle Slam, so Angle stole his headlock. They catch each other with a clothesline off the ropes at the same time. The referee is counting both men, but both are up. They trade some shots before Anderson hits a clothesline. Angle reverses a corner whip, but Anderson gets his boot up. Anderson runs into an overhead belly-to-belly suplex for 2. Angle goes for the Angle Slam, but Anderson reverses into the rolling fireman’s carry slam for 2. Anderson goes for the Mic Check, but Angle reverses into the dead guy German suplexes for 2. Angle throws the straps down, showing us his bird chest. Angle gets Anderson in the ankle lock, but Anderson reverses into a pin for 2. Anderson hits the Mic Check for 2. Both men are back up, but the ref gets a standing bump, allowing Angle to hit Anderson in the nuts. Angle hits the Angle Slam, and as the ref goes to count, Sting pulls him out to explain what happened. Angle turns around into another Mic Check. The ref begins to count, but Gunner runs in to cause the DQ.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Mr. Anderson. The rest of the H.O.G.s run and beat up Anderson and Sting. Jeff Jarrett looks exceptionally toolbox-y here tonight.
Based on this Domino’s commercial, I don’t ever want Jess touching a single pizza I order. No one should ever, ever be that excited to work for Domino’s.
Back from the commercial, we get a replay of what we just saw a few minutes ago.
In a locker room, Immortal is celebrating. Eric Bischoff tells them all to take it outside, as he has a call to make. Bischoff gets back on the phone, and seems to be mad about something.
MATCH 4: Angelina Love and Winter vs. Knockouts Champion Mickie James and Velvet Sky
My dog has a chew toy that kind of looks like Angelina Love, only it’s made of rope rather than silicone. Have I mentioned Winter and Mickie have two of the worst entrance themes ever? I’d still like to know why Taz compares Sky’s nether regions to a pigeon hut. Sky and Winter start off. James immediately tags in. So does Love. Man, this is an exciting match! Love backs James into a corner then throws her. They trade some shots. James hits an elbow off a corner charge, followed by the Tunacanrana. James gets a snapmare and tags in Sky. She hits a low dropkick for 2. Love with a jawbreaker, and now Winter’s in. She throws Sky into a couple of corners, but Sky reverses and hits a corner whip by an awful monkey flip. She drops Winter and Love with a headscissors hip throw combo. Love trips Sky from the outside. Winter throws her into a corner and then goads James, leading to a double-team behind the ref’s back. Sky elbows her way out, but can’t make it to her corner. Winter with a northern lights suplex for 2. Love tags in and gets a stomp. James comes in and whiffs a kick big time. Sky hits Love with a horrible-looking bulldog variation. Love tags Winter in and Sky tags in James. James hits the top rope Thesz Press on Winter, followed by some sloppy forearms and a neckbreaker for 2 before Love breaks it up. Sky is stomping Love in the corner now as Winter has James in another corner. Sky and James reverse a pair of corner whips into clotheslines. Sky spears Love. Behind the ref’s back, Winter spits corn syrup in James’ face and gets the 3.
WINNERS: Angelina Love and Winter. Remember when TNA had one of the best women’s divisions in the world? Yeah, neither does TNA.
Austin Aries makes his way down to the ring. Mike Tenay gives him the oh-so-clever nickname of “Mr. Win At All Costs”. Aries tells the crowd to “shhh”. He calls himself Eric Bischoff’s favorite X-division wrestler, and the next champion. He calls Brian Kendrick a strange little man and a big hypocrite. Kendrick’s actions have been the opposite of what he’s been preaching. He says Kendrick can’t stand that he has the spotlight and is the brightest shining star in the company. He challenges Kendrick to face him man-to-man right now.
Kendrick walks down to the ring in a suit and carrying a briefcase. Aries laughs at him. Kendrick says he understands why Aries is ridiculing him, as he’s been ridiculed for various reasons all his life. Today, he’s trying to annunciate and dress for success. His words. He says the definition of success is he who dies with the most toys wins. He tells us he’s been getting a lot of compliments on his suit today. Kendrick isn’t sure about this version of himself, and neither is the crowd. Kendrick says he hates “this guy”, throws his briefcase on the ground and begins taking his suit off as he continues to ramble on about whatever. He says life is suffering, and suffering stems from desire. He says the “god voice” inside him is stronger than any fear in existence. Aries says the belt belongs to him and Kendrick is disrespecting. Aries then makes a gay joke about testicles before calling Kendrick a fraud and that he’s afraid of Aries. Kendrick begins decking Aries. He tries for Sliced Bread #2, but Aries slides out of the ring and runs to the back.
Backstage, Bischoff looks pissed on his couch. Hogan comes in, thinking it’s 1984 as he flexes and rambles on in his Hogan-esque way about I don’t even know what. Bischoff says that they pissed off “The Network”, and because of what Bischoff and Hogan have said and done, we get a 3-way at No Surrender between Angle, Sting and Anderson for the title. Hogan says they can’t do this. Bischoff says it’s done. Hogan says he runs the company and is in control, not them. Hogan says it can’t get any worse as he shakes his head.
Up next, the 4-Corners Match.
We see Jeff Hardy wandering around backstage.
MATCH 5-4-Corners Match: Bully Ray vs. Gunner vs. Bobby Roode vs. James Storm
Christy Hemme announces this as a “4-Corners Tornado Match”. I’m going to assume that means all four guys are in the ring at once. Nice of them to tell us of this added stipulation just moments before the match starts. On a side note, I’ve seen indy rings bigger than TNA’s. Just saying. Not sure why they didn’t just make this a tag team match, since you know neither team will attack each other. Samoa Joe begins to walk down to the ring, but Matt Morgan attacks him from behind. Security is on these guys as the match has started. Ray is paired off with Roode while Gunner is with Storm. Storm with some punches and a forearm off the ropes. Ray hits him with a forearm, followed by some punches in the corner. Roode hits Ray with punches. Beer Money with a double back elbow on Ray and a double clothesline on Gunner. Gunner hits Roode with a clothesline for 2. Ray gets mad and says he’s supposed to win. Gunner knocks Roode down with another clothesline before throwing him into Ray for another clothesline. Best. Match. Ever. Gunner with some shots in the corner, but Roode counters as Storm hits a top rope cross body on Ray for 2. Storm with a clothesline and a neckbreaker on Gunner for 2. Ray hits a big boot on Storm before getting rolled up for 2 by Roode. Roode with a boot out of the corner and a middle rope blockbuster. Spinebuster on Gunner for 2, but Ray breaks it up. Roode throws him out before a double team suplex with Storm on Gunner. Ray back in with a double clothesline, followed by a uranage on Storm for 2. He hits Roode with the Bully Bomb, but turns around into a running knee by Gunner for 3.
WINNER: Gunner. Does anyone else think Gunner looks like the kind of guy who drives around in a white panel van with “Candy & Naps” painted on the side?
We see more of Jeff Hardy walking around backstage. Man, has his return been exciting!
Not sure if I want to see “Contagion” or not.
Wow. I just realized there’s only about 3 minutes left on this show. Guess Jeff Hardy’s not going to get that much time the luck. In the words of the Huntsman, “Darn the luck! Darn!” Seriously though, I have a feeling this show is going to go long because of this stupid Jeff Hardy crap.
Next week, we get Ric Flair and Sting one more time. I, for one, am just ecstatic.
[adinserter block=”1″]Back from commercial, and Jeff Hardy is making his way to the ring. He looks either stoned or depressed. I suppose it could be both. Look who we’re talking about here, after all. Hardy thanks the crowd for their applause, saying he doesn’t deserve. For once, he’s right. He thanks “The Network” for letting him come out here. He says the last time he was here, he was pathetic and messed up. He talks about the infamous 82-second match with Sting at Victory Road, and says he let everyone down. He got here today, and the stress was overwhelming. He almost felt hated. He says there’s a ton of people mad at him in the back, and they have every right to be. He hit rock bottom at Victory Road. Jeff says he can’t expect everyone to forgive him and give him another chance. Great! So get the hell off my TV. He then asks for one more shot. The crowd starts a “One more shot” chant. Remind me to never go to Huntsville. Jeff says all he can do is ask, then drops the microphone.
End of show.
So…that’s what TNA hyped for a week, an apologetic Jeff Hardy, pretending to try and hold back tears? That’s just great.
Honestly, nothing good on this week’s show. The matches sucked, and the promos were worse. Normally, you can get at least a good X-division match on Impact, but not even that this time.
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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.