Welcome to theTNA Impact Wrestling recap for 8/25/11. As I’m sure most of you are aware, not only was Matt Hardy fired earlier this week for being arrested on a DWI charge, but Jeff Hardy is scheduled to return tonight at the taping in Huntsville, Alabama.
So, to recap, one Hardy brother gets fired for being arrested while the other one is keeping his job despite facing multiple felony drug-related charges. Apparently, the message TNA wants to get across to its wrestlers is, if you get drunk and crash your car, we will fire you immediately. If you are facing illegal drug charges, though, you’ll not only keep your job, but we’ll push you to the moon, even if you show up for your main event match stoned out of your mind. TNA: Drug-Addicted WWE Rejects Welcome!
The show starts with a recap of Kurt Angle beating up Crimson from a couple of weeks ago, as well as their confrontation from last week. It was bad enough recapping it the first time, so let’s leave it at that.
“Live” at the Impact Zone, we see Kurt Angle coming down to the ring with the Battle Dome Championship. I hope T-Money is his next challenger. Kirk Angel (your check’s in the mail, Jericho) grabs a microphone and says that he’s calling out Crimson this week. This leads to Crimson coming out with a limp. He’s actually wearing red gear this week! Amazing. Angle says that the way Crimson carried himself last week was impressive, and that means Crimson either has balls or is a complete jackass. Angle says a few months ago, Crimson was nothing more than Amazing Red’s little brother, but now he’s a somebody, and Kurt Angle says he should get credit for that. Angle says he’ll make Crimson famous tonight by not only ending his undefeated streak, but ending his career. He says that’s the price you pay for disrespecting him.
Hogan’s Orange Goblins begin to make their way to the ring, minus Hogan and Bischoff. Jeff Hardy must’ve been doing a line in the back and missed his cue, as he’s also absent. As a AAA fan, I hate Jeff Jarrett now more than ever.
Blubber Ray grabs a microphone now. Great. He asks if Crimson is serious, and reminds him he’s talking to Kurt frickin’ Angle. As Ray begins to list off Angle’s achievements, Angle cuts him off and tells him he can handle things himself. He says that if any member of the H.O.G.s interferes in his match tonight-especially Jarrett, they have a problem. He tells Crimson it’s time to make him famous before walking back up the ramp. Jeff Jarrett nonsensically mugs for the camera.
Earlier today, Jackie and ODB confronted Velvet Sky. Sky says she has their backs tonight. Weren’t they feuding just a couple of weeks ago? Jackie says there’s two of them, and they could take her out right now, as well as the only witness, that being the camera man. I guess she forgot the ten people watching this show.
Before the commercial break, we see a pair of feet walking around backstage. Sadly, it won’t be Dude Love this time.
The 8/16 episode of this show was apparently the highest rated episode ever in the UK and Ireland. Huzzah! They shot up to 20 viewers there!
In Bischoff’s office, he’s laying into Hogan about Ric Flair as Hogan grunts. Ric Flair is also in the room. Hogan says he’s not going to get into the ring with Sting, and isn’t happy about the stipulation that Flair made last week for his match with Sting. You know, the one that never happened? Flair says he’ll make it up to Hogan. Hogan says that, tonight, they are going to go out to the ring and make things right with Sting, and asks Flair to keep his mouth shut the entire time. Flair promises to do just that. Damn, that was exciting stuff!
Angelina Love heads to the ring for our next match. She has uber-generic music now.
MATCH 1-6-Knockouts Tag Team Match: Angelina Love, Rosita and Sarita vs. Jackie, ODB and Velvet Sky
Just when I thought Love couldn’t look any more hideous, she tops herself this week. Sarita still has thong panties on her face. Jackie and Sarita start things off with a tie-up. They trade a few moves. Sarita catches a knee and tags in Rosita. They trade some shots. Jackie tags in Sky. Sky accidentally hits Jackie with a forearm, leading to a 2 by Rosita. Sky with a jawbreaker, and she tags in ODB. Rosita tags in Sarita, but she gets tripped up by ODB. Sky back in now, and she hits some incredibly weak shots. Sarita telegraphs a back body drop, but catches a dropkick attempt and catapults Sky into a forearm by Rosita. Rosita’s back in now with some forearms and kicks. She tags Sarita back in, who bodyslams Sky and follows up with some elbows and a knee. Rosita’s back in, who hits some kicks and forearms. Sarita back in now. Sky fights out and catches a back chop. Love makes the blind tag, which pisses Rosita off for some reason. Sky kicks Love off and hits a really sloppy side uranage, leading to Rosita and Sarita to break up a pinfall attempt. ODB and Jackie cut them off outside. Love whips Sky down of a whip before hitting her really sloppy double-knee to the back of the neck. ODB and Jackie hit Love with a double suplex, leading Sky to get the pin.
WINNERS: Jackie, ODB and Velvet Sky. If you loved sloppy forearm shots and blown spots, man, was this match for you! After the match, the non-Spanish Spanish broads lay into Angelina Love. She just pushes them off. So exciting.
MATCH 2: Kid Kash vs. Jesse Sorensen
Sorensen comes out with a football and a letterman’s jacket. This isn’t a generic gimmick at all. Kash cuts Sorensen off as he climbs into the ring. Kid with some chops, but Sorensen comes back with some shots. Kash with a few more and he gets Sorensen into the ropes with some crossface shots. Kash talks some trash before picking Sorensen back up. He catches a knee and a backbreaker before hitting a release rotating suplex for 2. Kash looks for the Money Maker, but Sorensen reverses out. He catches a back body drop, a clothesline, a running knee and a nice dropkick for 2. Sorensen gets cut off with a chop. Kash goes for a side-Russian leg sweep and hits the McGillicutter for 2. Sorensen climbs up top and catches a cross body for another 2. Kash reverses a corner whip, but Sorensen rolls out and catches a roll-up. Kash keeps rolling into a pin of his own, and gets it as he holds the tights.
WINNER: Kid Kash. Meh. Kash didn’t look all that great, and there wasn’t much here to speak of. Sorensen looked alright, but I’ve seen him look better. Christy Hemme interviews Kash, who talks a bunch of trash to Sorensen, then yells at a fan. Sorensen gets in Kash’s face and they trade words. Kash pie-faces him. Leading to the indy security guards to break it up. Wait, was that a fight?
Later tonight, Blubber Ray, Johnny Bravo and “Machine Gun” Joe Viterbo will take on Beer Money and A.J. Styles in a 6-Man Falls-Count-Anywhere Match in the BFG series. God, I hate matches like this. What happens if two guys from opposite teams are get the pin at the same time? How do you determine the winner?
The Pope will also take on RVD in a BFG match tonight. I hate this match less.
We get highlights from some house shows in Georgia that featured BFG matches. Gunner picked up 7 points over Pope, and Roode got 7 over RVD. This clip is brought to you with “music” by Staind. We see the scoreboard for the series, and apparently, Devon is out with an injury now, too.
MATCH 3-BFG Series Match: D’Angelo Dinero vs. Rob Van Dam
They shake hands before tying up. RVD gets a waistlock that he turns into a side headlock. Pope picks RVD up for a back suplex and connects, but RVD holds onto the headlock. After they exchange some moves, RVD gets two of a leg scissors takedown. Pope gets his knees up on a standing moonsault, but RVD still hits a bodyslam. RVD goes for Rolling Thunder, but Pope gets his knees up again. An uppercut gets 2. Pope gets another 2 off an STO. Anyone else wonder why Pope wears very tiny kneepads on his knees, but heavy duty kneepads on his shins? Anyway, RVD reverses an Irish whip into a drop toehold, into an inverted STF. Pope gets to the ropes to break it up. Apparently, according to Mike Tenay, anyway, Samoa Joe injured Devon’s knee last week, leading to him being out of the series. RVD gets a monkey flip out of the corner. Both men back up and RVD gets in an abdominal stretch. That only works if you’re Antonio Inoki. Pope hip tosses out of it and hits a sweet-looking sweeping DDT for 2. Pope to the middle rope, and he connects with a fist drop. That one only works if you’re Jerry Lawler. Pope’s limping now. RVD pops up with a spin kick. RVD goes for a surfboard stretch, and lowers him down for a 2-count. RVD puts him back up in the stretch, and Pope gives up. Wait, what?
WINNER: Rob Van Dam, who gets 10 points for the submission. When have you ever seen a wrestler submit to that move before? Go ahead and try to think of a time when you saw it. I dare you. Van Dam is now tied with Gunner for 4th place at 45 points.
Back in the ring, Samoa Joe has come from nowhere and hits Pope with a Muscle Buster. Joe puts Pope in a leg grapevine. Devon’s kids are going nuts. Devon walks down to ringside, and has a knee brace on. His kids are begging him to go do something. He tells them to shut up and give him a chair. He takes the chair into the ring, chasing Joe off. I’m going to take a wild guess here and say that they’ll announce Pope as being injured next week, too.
Backstage, Robbie E walks up to Rob Terry. He says he’s there to save Rob Terry, and calls them “P.I.C.s”, or “partners in crimes”. He offers Terry the chance to be his personal bodyguard after insulting him. Terry says he’ll think about it. Robbie E fist-pumps the air as several of my brain cells suffocate themselves and die.
In another backstage area, Scott Steiner is screaming at Gunner and Blubber. Steiner is screaming nonsensically. Not to be outdone, Ray screams nonsensically. Steiner says, “Keep AJ in the ring, get those other subabitches outta there, and we’ll we’re goa beat up AJ.” Gunner asks what Steiner’s problem is.
In ANOTHER backstage area, Rosita and Sarita are screaming nonsensically at Angelina Love. Then they beat her up. Winter comes in and beats them up. Lots of screaming here. Winter rips the Venetian blind off the window and strangles Rosita with the cord. Anarquia and Hernandez come in to chase Winter and Love off.
We see Hogan and Flair walking towards the ring.
Another shot of those random feet. Totally not Jeff Hardy. Totally.
Back in Bischoff’s office, Traci Brooks walks in. She asks if he’s thought about what they talked about last week. He says he has and the more he thinks about it, the more he likes it. He says he’ll make the “big” decision next week in Huntsville, Alabama as he stares at her chest. He asks if they can meet somewhere after the show and get “COCKtails” (how he pronounced it). She says she has a better idea, and that they’ll have three cocktails instead.
Hogan and Flair make their way to the ring to the totally-original-and-not-an-nWo-knockoff theme song. Flair tries playing air guitar. Did you know there’s a world championship for air guitar playing? Look it up. Hogan grabs a microphone and says that the “main problem we have right now is that we’ve got a problem.” Makes perfect sense. He then calls Sting out to face the music, brother.
Sting makes his way down to the ring, making stupid Joker-esque faces. Hogan says Sting’s way too out there over the edge, and is way too much. He says things have gone too far, and that they need to end tonight. Hogan says Sting needs to look in the mirror as he is a complete wreck. If that’s not the leathery, saggy pot calling the kettle black. He says Sting’s fries are missing from his Happy Meal. No, I didn’t make that up. Apparently, Sting’s geese are flying all over the place, too. Hogan says Sting’s out of his mind, and asks if he wants the little Stingers to look up to him the same way the Hulkamaniacs look up to him. Hogan says he can’t have all the craziness going on because this is a family show. No, really. That’s what he called it. Sting laughs. Hogan says he doesn’t get it. Hogan says he’s partially to blame, and that he and Bischoff had made some mistakes. He says they’ve learned from their mistakes, and that from now on, he and Eric are going to run TNA with the most impeccable precision he’s ever seen. He says TNA will become the standard bearer on what a wrestling promotion should be. L. Ron Hubbard help us all. Hogan extends his hand for a handshake. Sting says he’ll accept on one condition. Hogan says he’ll do anything to make that happen. Sting says milk and cookies for all, balloons, colorful rainbows, unicorns and puppy dogs. He also says flowers in an effeminate voice. Sting is trying to be really funny here, but is failing miserably. Sting then hugs Hogan and kisses him.
Flair throws his jacket off menacingly, grabs the mic out of Hogan’s hand, calls sting a stupid sonofabitch and says this isn’t a game. Flair pushes Hogan off and tells him to leave him alone. He says he can give Sting crazy and does a phantom elbow drop. He says he was crazy when Sting was still sucking his mother’s t*t. That would mean that Flair started wrestling when he was around 15 or 16 years old, which wasn’t even legal back then. Flair says he’s so crazy he’s going to kick Sting’s ass so bad. Sting laughs at him. Flair tells him to laugh. Flair says he’s much crazier and has the edge because when it comes time to kill, Sting respects Flair to much to hurt him. Flair then says at that point, he’ll kicks Sting f***ing ass. So much for the family show part. Sting goes crazypants and screams in Flair’s face and says if he has to go through Flair to get to Hogan, he’ll go through Flair. Sting says he’ll start with Flair at Bound For Glory before taking off his duster and throwing it to the ring as he walks to the back. I just noticed Sting’s new t-shirt. It has a picture of his face on it, with the word “Nervous?” written at the top. Could they rip off “The Dark Knight” anymore blatantly? If anyone from TNA “creative” is reading this, that’s not a challenge, BTW.
A.J. Styles is walking down to the ring. He doesn’t have his ring jacket or pants on, which means this isn’t a match. Styles gets a microphone and addresses Christopher Daniels. He says he has an answer for Daniels, so Daniels needs to come down. Not sure what the question even was.
According to Tenay, Daniels has been begging for another match with Styles. Guess that was the question. Styles says he’s not mad at Daniels, but when he commentated last week, Styles understood but didn’t know why it had to be announced to the world. Probably to attempt to drum up interest in the match. Probably. Styles asks why Daniels needs the rematch, and why he wants or needs it so badly. Daniels says that, at the end of the night at Destination X, he still lost and had to ask himself if he had what it takes to still be in TNA the next day. He said he asked himself if it was time to walk away, and if he deserved to be in TNA anymore. Daniels came back to TNA and joined Fourtune for A.J. Daniels says he asked for the rematch not because he wanted it, but because he needs to know if it’s time to walk away from wrestling. Daniels begins some fake crying in the middle of this.
Styles gets the mic back and tells Daniels one more time. Daniels hugs him. Daniels says he’ll see Styles at No Surrender. Styles says he’ll be in the finals of the BFG series at No Surrender, so he says let’s do it next week instead. Way to throw away a match people might actually pay to see.
Beer Money Inc. comes out, so I guess it’s now time for the match.
MATCH 4-BFG Series 6-Man Falls-Count-Anywhere Match: Beer Money Inc. (Bobby Roode and James Storm) and A.J. Styles vs. Bully Ray, Gunner and Scott Steiner
No chain mail and sunglasses for Steiner. Styles and Beer Money catch Immortal on the apron. Everyone’s brawling. James Storm takes a second to drink beer. Steiner spits beer in Roode’s face. More brawling. There are three referees in this match. Abyss is watching the match from the stage. Gunner and Styles are in the ring. Gunner with some axe handles and a punch. Styles kicks him away and hits a dropkick for 2. Steiner comes in with an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Steiner with some chops on Styles. Styles kicks out of a corner whipe, and Steiner gets clotheslined by Roode. Roode with a forearm shot. He follows up with a blockbuster for 2. Blubber hits Roode with a boot. Ray gets kicked in the face by Storm on a corner charge, who hits a cross body from the top for 2. Beer Money hit a double suplex. Apparently, the stupid rule where only the guy who gets the pin gets any points is in place here. Styles hits a flip dive onto Ray from the ring to the floor. Styles is selling a knee injury now. Could be legitimate. Gunner throws Storm into part of the stage for 2. More brawling. Now we get split-screen. God, what a mess. Roode whips Steiner into a wall for 2. More split-screen. Ringside, Ray and Styles are brawling. Backstage, Gunner drops some lockers on Storm while Steiner hits Roode with a trash can elsewhere. Back in the ring, Styles hits a Superman for 2.They trade some blows. Gunner’s back in the ring now, as is Steiner. Styles tries to take them all on before Ray hits a Bully Bomb to earn the 3-count.
WINNERS: Bully Ray, Gunner and Scott Steiner. Ray gets 7 more points in this total mess.
Steiner begins getting a table out as we see Anderson driving a Hummer to ringside. He’s wearing all black, complete with cargo pants and combat boots. I guess this was who was walking around backstage, and not Jeff Hardy. At least, not this time. Anderson pushes Steiner off the apron through the table. Anderson pulls out a chain wallet and begins hitting Gunner with it. Gunner’s bleeding all over the place. Definitely a family show, Hogan. Anderson picks up Gunner and Steiner, holds their heads for Blubber to see as he makes stupid faces.
Mickie James is yelling about how mad she is about losing to Winter. Get this broad some cue cards, please. She says she’s coming after Winter next week, and that she’s going to hurt Winter and take back the Knockouts Championship.
More Eric Young “fun”. He’s still looking for Scott Baio. Who did Scott Baio piss off to get blackmailed into doing this? Young drives up to a golf course. He’s taking only the oh-so-valuable TV title with him, leaving the old world title behind. He spots Baio hitting some drives. Scott Baio sees him. Eric Young takes his shirt off, leading to a stupid chase that would cause Benny Hill to roll over in his grave. Young jumps on Baio from a tree and counts a pin for himself. We still get the “See More at ImpactWrestling.com” message on the screen. There’s MORE of this? NOOOOO!
MATCH 5-Crimson vs. World Champion Kurt Angle (non-title)
Angle appears to be weighing in at around 95 pounds. He seriously looks ill. Guess someone told Crimson it was pointless to have that name if you’re going to be blonde and wear white gear, as he’s got red gear on and a bad red dye job tonight. They start with a tie-up, but Crimson throws Angle off. They do the same spot a second time. Stupide dueling chants from the crowd, only they can’t seem to figure out what to cheer. Angle goes for a waist lock, but Crimson elbows out. Crimson throws Angle into the corner and gets in some corner shots. Back elbow off an Irish whip. Crimson locks Angle in a cravat, hits a couple of knees and lands a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Taz is still trying to convince us Angle will be in the next Olympics. Outside the ring, Crimson slams Angle into the apron before throwing him back in. Angle reverses a corner whip and hits a chop block on Crimson’s bad leg. Commercial.
Back from the break with Angle hitting a suplex for 2. Angle locks in a modified abdominal stretch. He turns this into a side headlock. Crimson tries to throw him off into an Irish whip, but Angle hangs onto the move. They do the spot again, with the same results. Crimson is successful on the third try, and connects with a jumping shoulder block, knocking them both down. Angle goes for a clothesline, but runs right into a t-bone suplex from Crimson for 2. Crimson goes for a swinging side slam, but Angle reverses into a German suplex. Crimson no-sells this and hits a really sloppy spear for 2. Angle returns the no-sell and kicks Crimson’s knee a couple of times before cinching in the ankle lock. Crimson turns it over and kicks Angle away. Angle gets back up and goes for the Angle Slam, but Crimson rolls out and hits the Red Sky for 2. Samoa Joe immediately runs in and attacks Crimson, leading to the disqualification.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Crimson. Well, he’s still undefeated. Big surprise.
Joe makes an angry face at the camera before staring at Kurt Angle. Angle backs off and basically tells Joe to keep doing his thing. After a couple stomps, Joe picks Crimson up on his shoulder, but Crimson fights out of it, causing Joe to run away. Was there a point to this segment?
Mike Tenay and Taz continue to talk and hype next week, which means you know something else will be happening before this show ends.
End of show.
As for the show, it was great…if you love lots of talking and the botching of the most basic of moves.
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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.