Hello, everyone. Welcome to the 8/18/11 edition of the Impact TNA Wrestling recap. Before I begin, I understand Ric Flair is supposed to return to the company tonight. A few years ago, I would have been excited about Flair coming back to a company. However, Flair continues to lose credibility with every passing year, and it’s getting to the point where I have little to no respect for him. I do not have high hopes for his return.
We start the show with the recap of Kurt Angle’s angrypants rant from last week’s episode that saw Angle and Hogan eventually shake hands, and also led to Angle injuring Lance Sackless after the main event. After the video recap, we hear Sting’s music as he makes his way to the ring, carrying his baseball bat and a chair. He is reenacting what happened to last week BY HIMSELF. I guess this is supposed to make him continue to look crazy, but it makes him look stupid instead. Sting gets a mic and says it’s proof he’s lost his mind, and then states it was a reenactment of last week (can I call it or what?). He claims the force he was hit with by Hogan last week was son incredible, he’s having trouble talking. He also remembers how awesome it was to have his rear end handed to him by Hogan, which he calls the “greatest of all time”. I’d like to debate that. Sting says he and the fans have something in common, and that’s seeing Hogan back in the ring. Please, no. Sting asks the fans to start chanting for Hogan because he wants Hogan in the ring tonight. The fans, showing their lack of intelligence, do just that. This leads “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair to come out. This would be great TV…if this was 1997 and we were watching “WCW Monday Nitro”.
Flair of course grabs a microphone and takes offense to Sting calling Hogan the greatest of all time. He calls Sting an icon, and says people ask when he will wrestle Sting again. He says he has nothing to prove as they’ve wrestled so many times, but the fans ask him for “one more match”. Flair calls Sting an icon in his eyes and is still the same man he was 20 years ago. Flair says he has to wrestle Sting again to get to where he wants to be. Where? Flair says he’s tired of hearing Sting’s name, and so if he beats him in a match, he wants Sting to retire for good, and not a phony retirement like Flair’s. Okay I added the “phony retirement” part. If Flair loses, he’ll serve Hogan to Sting on a silver platter (after telling Sting it’s nearly impossible for Sting to beat Flair, despite the fact that Sting has won most of their matches over the years). Sting says Flair smells like garlic (??) and then accepts the match. Holy god, that promo lasted less than 10 minutes. It’s a Festivus miracle!
We learn that, over the past weekend, Bully Ray earned 7 points in the Blades Of Glory series by beating Devon by pinfall. Devon will take on Steiner in another series match next, featuring Matt Morgan on commentary again.
MATCH 1-BFG Series Match: Scott Steiner vs. Devon
Matt Morgan calls this the most brutal wrestling tournament he’s ever seen. Obviously, he hasn’t seen many tournaments. Devon starts with a shoulder block, a neckbreaker and a jumping headbutt for 2. Steiner kicks off an Irish whips and connects with some chops, but Devon counters with a sidewalk slam for 2. Steiner elbows out of a corner charge, trips Devon up and holds the ropes for a 3 count.
WINNER: Scott Steiner, who gains 7 points. I literally recapped every move in this match. Short and weak as all hell. After the match Samoa Joe attacks Devon and traps him in a leg grapevine. Devon’s sons jump in the ring to try and protect him. Joe gets in their faces, which leads to The Pope to get into Joe’s. Joe gives a smug smile and leaves the ring.
Up next, we get the 8-man X-Division gauntlet match to determine a new #1 contender to the X-Division title. Could be decent as long as it’s booked properly and given more than a couple of minutes.
During the break, Joe cut a promo saying he’d hurt people, and says he’s done playing TNA’s game, and that Devon was the first of many. He’s collecting knees, scalps and arms and won’t stop until the BFG series is no more. He says TNA brought this upon themselves and that he will continue to do what he’s doing because no one has the balls to fire him.
MATCH 2-8-Man X-Division Gauntlet Match to determine the #1 Contender to the X-Division Title: Alex Shelley vs. Anthony Nese vs. Kid Kash vs. Robbie E (w/Cookie) vs. Zema Ion vs. Jesse Sorensen vs. Mark Haskins vs. Austin Aries
Apparently, this match will also determine the rankings for the division. How many times have we heard this before?
Alex Shelley and Mark Haskins will start the match. Wrestlers are eliminated via pinfall or submission. Haskins starts with a dropkick and some punches. Shelley gets some kicks and chops in and a rolling elbow variation. Shelley goes for Sliced Bread, but Haskins rolls out and gets an arm drag in followed by an ace crusher for 2. Haskins gets Shelley up top, but Shelley gets a top rope inverted atomic drop and a kick. He goes for Sliced Bread again, but Haskins reverses into a backslide. Haskins hits a version of the GTS and gets the pin.
Robbie E is in next and tells Cookie (who looks great tonight) to stay out of his business. As they are arguing on the apron, Haskins gets a quick roll-up for 3.
Zema Ion is in next. He hits a seated missile dropkick, followed by an inverted atomic drop and a bizarre kick for 2. Ion misses a charge and Haskins gets a school boy for 2. Ion hits a short tornado DDT through the ropes and botches a 450 splash to get the pin. Tenay informs us Shelley is ranked #8, Robbie E is #7 and Haskins is #8 due to the order they were eliminated. Again, we’ll see how long this actually sticks. Maybe a week or 2.
Anyone remember the power 10 or whatever it was Bischoff laid out for the top contenders to the world title? Neither does anyone else.
Jesse Sorensen is in next. He gets a guillotine leg drop for 2. Tries for a suplex but Ion knees out and hits a jumping neckbreaker for 2. Ion goes for the 450 again, but Sorensen gets the knees up. He follows up with a reverse swinging neckbreaker for 3.
Anthony Nese is in next. He gets an elbow in the corner and a running knee for 2. He picks up Sorensen on his shoulders, but Sorensen fights out. Sorensen misses an enziguri and Nese catches him with a German suplex for 2. Nese with a bodyslam but misses a Lionsault. Sorensen hits the neckbreaker again and gets 3.
Kid Kash is in next and gets some shots in before the commercial break.
BTW-If you’re a gamer, look up the upcoming release “Lollipop Chainsaw” from Suda51. You’ll thank me.
Back from the break and Kash is dominating. He hits a hard backbreaker for 2. Kash hits a bodyslam and goes up to the middle rope. He hits a really sloppy moonsault for 2. Kash is nearly 50. It’s time drop the “Kid” part of his name. Kash looks for the Money Maker, but Sorensen rolls through and gets the pin. They botched that spot, too.
Austin Aries is in, and we are down to our last 2. Before Kash leaves, he hits the Money Maker on Sorensen. Aries comes in and tries to pin Sorensen with one foot, but Sorensen kicks out. Aries tries another pin, but only gets 2. He looks for the brainbuster, but Sorensen turns it into an inside cradle for 2. Aries with a kick and a corner dropkick before dropping him with the brainbuster and getting the 3.
WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: Austin Aries. This match wasn’t bad, but featured a lot of botches and seemed way too rushed . Where did they find Drew Haskins, BTW? He looked like hell.
After the match, Christy Hemme interviews Austin Aries. He says he just took down 7 X-Division contenders, and that he’s coming for Brian Kendrick’s belt now, and there’s nothing he can do about it. Kendrick comes out with his belt and Hammer pants. Kendrick offers a handshake, but Aries snubs him. Kendrick clotheslines him from behind and just begins punching and choking him on the ramp, leading to the indy security guys to break the fight up.
Backstage, Ric Flair is taking his watch off and wrapping his wrists in tape. Make sure you put the little pieces of tape on the finger tips for your gigs, Ric. He’s mumbling about Sting.
Remind that, when I get my next car, I should not even once consider Direct Auto Insurance.
Back from the break, we get a recap of Flair laying into Sting from earlier.
Backstage, Sting is pacing back and forth.
We then get yet another recap of last week when Mr. Anderson got beat up by the H.O.G.s. Also, Beer Money will defend the belts against Mexican America tonight.
We get an incredibly cheesy commercial for Bound For Glory, which will apparently be taking place in Philadelphia. All of these guys are dropping the “Wrestling Matters” tag line in this promo. Wish that was true. Oh, and the guys they show standing in front of Philly landmarks are clearly standing in front of a green screen. It couldn’t be more obvious. They couldn’t send these guys a few hours north to film actual footage? I doubt it would have been that expensive.
We see ODB walking around in the back with Jackie. ODB says that, tonight, it’s her versus Mickie James for the first time ever tonight, and that they are still looking for their contract. Does anyone else see the lack of logic in this? If these two weren’t under contract already, how would they be getting booked every single week? I hate storylines like this.
Back in Eric Bischoff’s office, Traci Brooks is introducing herself. She thinks she has an idea to help Bisch out with the knockouts. She asks if she can re-apply for her job as “knockout law”. Bischoff, after staring at her jugs, says it could be an interesting idea and he will contemplate it.
MATCH 3: ODB (w/Jackie) vs. Mickie James
We see ODB and Jackie getting beat again from last week. Mickie James comes out in some really stupid looking bedazzled denim. I guess the money she’s raising for her new album is paying for new ring gear instead. Have I mentioned how awful her voice is? They start with a tie-up that ODB powers out of. James tries for a roll-up, but ODB catches her into an arm wringer. James cartwheels out and gets in a kick followed by a snap mare and a low dropkick for 2. She runs into a knee, and ODB catches a fall away slam off a rope charge. ODB gets James into the corner before throwing her into the adjacent corner and dropping her with a shoulder block for another 2. ODB picks James up and runs her into another corner, followed by a shoulder block. ODB then gets James in a bear hug, and begins jumping around while holding James. James elbows her way out and tries to turn it into a sunset flip. ODB tries for a tree slam, but James dropkicks out of it. James catches a hangman’s neckbreaker off a charge. Both women kip up at the same time and trade some shots. James gets the better of it and catches some weak-looking clotheslines. James tries for a corner whip, but ODB holds onto the ropes and reverses into one of her own. James gets a boot and elbow in out of the corner, and tries for her face-humping hurricanrana, but ODB knocks her to the apron and then the floor. James gets back up on the apron and slams ODB’s head into the turnbuckle before hitting a top rope Thesz press. She tries for the standing tornado DDT, but ODB throws her off and hits an avalanche. ODB misses a bronco buster. Mickie hits a kick to the gut and the jumping tornado DDT and gets the 3.
WINNER: Mickie James. Jackie rolls in to check on ODB and then forces herself to shake James’ hand. One of the better knockouts matches in a while. At least Mickie wasn’t a one-woman botch fest this time around.
Up next, RVD vs. A.J. Styles in another BFG series match.
Backstage, Winter and Angelina Love are talking. Winter talks about how sensual holding the Knockouts Championship is as she drinks wine. She says there’s nothing “hardcore” about Mickie James, referring to her as a little squirrel. She’s all excited because Angelina Love will be there when she defeats Mickie James again. She says this is Winter’s world, and blood runs true. She takes a drink of wine, which I guess is supposed to look like blood, as it’s very thick. She cleans her lips and calls it “orgasmic”. You know, I’ve had a few orgasms in my day, and I don’t think they were anything like a bad actor drinking corn syrup and pretending it was blood.
MATCH 4-BFG Series Match: Rob Van Dam vs. A.J. Styles
This match would probably be better if it didn’t always seem like RVD was phoning his performances in. If he really doesn’t care anymore, that’s fine, but why continue wrestling if that’s the case? We see my boy Jerry Lynn sitting in the audience. Styles starts off with a headlock and a shoulder block. They trade a few reversals until RVD gets the leg scissors into a pin for 2. Surprisingly, no indy clap this time. The Impact Zone is too busy doing their stupid dueling chants. They criss-cross a few times until Styles hits a dropkicks. He catches RVD with a backbreaker for 2. Styles gets a bodyslam and hits the jumping/flailing knee drop for 2. RVD catches a monkey flip in the corner, which Styles almost botches the landing on. Styles catches some forearms, but RVD catches a kick and Rolling Thunder which gets 2. Jerry Lynn then jumps the guard rail and complains to the referee for a supposedly slow count. RVD catches Styles with a version of a spinning heel kick and goes up top for the 5-Star, but Styles trips him and looks for a superplex. RVD punches out. He goes for the 5-Star again, but Styles gets the knees up for a 2-count. Styles and RVD trade some shots now before Styles looks for the Clash, but RVD back drops out of it. Styles hits the Pele kick and goes for the pin, but Lynn pulls the referee out, leading to a DQ.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: A.J. Styles, who gets 3 points. After the match, Styles gets in Lynn’s face for interfering, as does RVD.
Just saw TNA’s poster for No Surrender. They managed to rip off both Captain America and The Great American Bash in one shot. Kudos.
Did you know “The BFG” was originally the title of a Roald Dahl book? Bet TNA didn’t.
Backstage, we see RVD and Jerry Lynn arguing. Surprise, surprise, RVD sounds stoned out of his mind.
In another part of the backstage area, Ric Flair is talking to himself before he hears something fall. He assumes it’s Sting and begins hunting the area for him. More sounds, leading to Flair look up in the rafters. More noises, including the sound of someone running. More noises. Flair continues to yell for Sting. He says Sting is making a mistake in pissing him off. More noises. Flair says he’s going to count to 5, then begins to yell again as more noises can be heard. The camera cuts to Sting standing a few feet away. They begin talking, which leads to Gunner to attack Sting from behind. Sting gets the upper handand begins slamming Gunner into things. Flair says Gunner is fired now. Sting breaks a broom over Gunner’s back before slamming him into more random objects. Sting then begins checking on Gunner, asking him if he’s okay, then tells him he’s going to go somewhere some day.
We get another segment with Eric Young in his car. He’s looking for Scott Baio. He grabs some random woman’s cellphone, thinking it’s Scott Baio on the other line. He challenges another woman to a match on the street. He spots a couple of random camera men, asking them where Baio is. One of them says Baio is in “The Valley”. I’m really beginning to hate Eric Young.
Crimson just walked into the building with a knee brace on over his jeans. You know when they wear the brace over the close, it’s serious. It’s a wrestling law, which is even more air tight and infallible than Brannigan’s Law.
If you watch and enjoy the MTV Video Music Awards every year, I no longer want you talking to me.
After the break, Crimson comes out to his really awful entrance theme, limping. Why do I get the feeling that, much like Matt Morgan, Crimson will be doing an injury angle and dropping out of the BFG series? Crimson grabs a microphone. He says it’s been a long week of pain and a long week of thinking. In Crimson’s case, the thinking probably hurts the worst. He calls Kurt Angle out and asks him to come down to the ring. Angle comes out with his “End Game” face on (look it up, but don’t say I didn’t warn you). The fans in the Impact Zone begin a ridiculous “You sold out” chant. Crimson says Angle failed in his attack last week since Crimson is still standing and is pissed off. Angle says he appreciates Crimson’s respect with the “Mr. Angle” name, but he can’t return the respect because Crimson is nobody going nowhere. Wow. Angle said something I agree with. He says that the young talent in TNA is built around him. He was brought into the company to make all of them, and without Angle, Crimson is a “green-ass little bitch”. Angle says he’s been making wrestlers his entire career, and it’s gotten him spat on, kicked in the balls and disrespected. Crimson says none of the young guys have disrespected Angle, and that they have nothing but respect for Angle, and it’s their honor to compete with him. Angle says he’s damn right it’s their honor, as guys like Crimson can’t even shine his gold medal. Angle says he looks at Crimson and sees no one going nowhere. Crimson says he begs to differ. He says not only will he be somebody, but he already is. Yeah, that makes sense. Crimson challenges Angle next week, and he’ll show Angle why he’s not only undefeated and the future of Impact Wrestling, but he’ll show Angle he’s the here and now. He then says he’s real, he’s damn real.
Backstage, my ears begin to bleed as Anarquia is cutting a promo. Mexican America then ramble on in Spanish that sounds horrible since none of them actually know how to speak the language properly. Sarita’s “protective mask” looks like she’s wearing thong underwear on her face.
You know, I would pull a David Spade and say that I liked the “Conan” remake better the first time when they called it “In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale”, but that movie sucked something awful. Either way, the “Conan” remake looks pretty terrible.
We get the “pleasure” of Jeff and Karen Diet Shasta Orange on commentary for the next match.
Apparently, TNA wants all of their t-shirts to look like Affliction knockoffs. Mike Tenay tells Jeff Jarrett that he’s “immortalized” the AAA Championship, but AAA gets bleeped for some reason. Bloated Ken Doll once again informs us that the main event has sponsorship in 5-Hour Energy. I sell that crap in my store. It’s BS, so I guess it’s fitting that it’d be associated with TNA. Roode and Anarquia start off. Roode gets a waist lock takedown, but Anarquia reverses into a headlock and a shoulder block off the ropes. Roode catches a back elbow and gets Anarquia into the corner. Roode stomps him a bunch before tagging in Storm. They double-whip him into the corner, and Roode throws Storm into Anarquia shoulder first in the corner for 2. Anarquia tries for a roll-up, but Storm counters into a dumb-looking facebuster for 2. Storm gets Anarquia into the corner with some punches. Storm gets a boot up off a corner charge and gets pulled down by Hernandez behind the ref’s back. Hernandez tags in and they do a version of Haas and Benjamin’s old hangman move for 2. Hernandez gets a forearm shot in and a standing avalanche for 2. Anarquia is back in and they do a double shoulder block for another 2. God, Anarquia is terrible. He gets in a headlock, but Storm elbows out and catches an uppercut. Hernandez tags in and cuts Storm off from making the tag. He goes for the border toss, but Storm reverses out into a Codebreaker before tagging in Roode. Anyone else notice Storm’s entire move set is blatantly lifted? Roode catches a blockbuster on Hernandez for 2, but Anarquia breaks it up. Anarquia catches a kick to the head from Storm, and Beer Money do a slingshot into a DDT to send him out of the ring. Double suplex on Hernandez. Rosita comes in and spits beer in Storm’s face. Karen Jarrett runs down to the ring now and distracts both the ref and Beer Money. Anarquia comes in and throws Storm to the floor, but turns into a spinebuster from Roode. Sarita distracts the referee, allowing Hernandez to hit Storm with the AAA Mega Championship belt. The ref turns around to count the pin.
WINNERS AND NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: Mexican America. The Jarretts celebrate in the ring with them. Great. Now we have a worthless knockouts champion in Winter , a worthless knockouts tag team co-champion in Miss Tessmacher and a worthless world tag team co-champion in Anarquia. Boy, this company’s on the right track.
End of show.
The gauntlet match was okay, but was far too short and the RVD/Styles match could have been better had it not been for the BS finish. As for the main event? Completely sucktacular. I heard a rumor that Jeff Jarrett was going to become the leader of Mexican America in order to get them more over. Just out of curiosity, but how does a guy like Jarrett-who has never, EVER been over-get over a bunch of other people who can’t get over on their own? Oh, because it’s TNA so the less it makes sense, the more they will push it. Right.
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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.