Hey, everybody. Welcome to the 2-16-12 edition of Impact Wrestling. Before I get into the recap, I’d like to extend a big thanks to everyone at CCB for covering for me in my absence, especially Eric Gargiulo and Panther Joe. I was without cable and internet for a few weeks, so I really appreciate them stepping in and covering for me until I could get back on duty. Special thanks to Eric for allowing me to step away and keeping my spot on CCB for me as well. Means a lot, boss man.
Also, I should point out that, during my hiatus, I didn’t really keep up on TNA or WWE at all. Needless to say, it doesn’t sound like I missed a whole hell of a lot in either company, aside from Jesse Sorensen being damn near paralyzed. While I’m not a big fan of the kid, it’s never a good thing to see someone so young have their career almost cut short (he’s expected to be out for a year, for those that don’t know). Here’s wishing him a speedy recovery and hopefully, when he gets back, TNA will have something better for him than “guy who carries around a football”. Then again, this IS TNA…
Show opens with highlights from Garett Bischoff and Gunner from the Against All Odds PPV. Bischoff apparently lost, and Hogan is apparently the mysterious trainer he’s been talking about for weeks. I called this one a few months ago, and I’m sorry to say TNA didn’t surprise me. We also get some highlights of Bobby Roode retaining the World title against Jeff Hardy, James Storm and Blubber Ray. At least Roode is still champion. Well, until probably next month when he drops it to Hardy for no reason.
In the Impact Zone, Bobby Roode makes his way down to the ring. He thanks the crowd, and says the chants of “Roode! Roode!” are deafening. He asks Christy Hemme to announce him again since no one could hear her the first time. He asks the crowd who thought he’d still be champion after Against All Odds. Well, screw you, because he is still the champion. He overcame the odds last Sunday and retained his belt in the 4-way, and Sting, who appointed himself the special enforcer, how sweet it was to look at Sting while he had to raise Roode’s hand in victory. Sting always tries to screw Roode, but can’t get the job done. Since he became the World Champion, Sting has blamed everything on Roode. After Sunday, Sting needs to only blame himself. Sting is the man who helped him defeat the other three and retain his title. Sting, you can try all you want, but there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.
[adinserter block=”2″]Cue Sting’s music. He makes his way out in street clothes, BUT has finally taken off his wrestling gloves. Another Festivus miracle! Sting’s got a mic in hand. He admits Roode got under his skin at the PPV, but he was the selfish one because he let his anger get the best of him. Once again, Jeff Hardy gets screwed. He’s here tonight to make things right with Hardy. He’s glad Roode is a fighting champion because Hardy gets his rematch tonight. He adds the stipulations of no time limit and no DQ as Roode throws a fit. Sting begins to make his way back up the ramp, but then stops and announces that match will happen right after the commercial break.
On a funny note, a commercial airs during this first break for local promotion NRW here in Colorado, featuring TNA “superstar” Rob Terry. I love most of the guys at NRW, but sorry: the words “Rob Terry” and “superstar” should never be uttered in the same breath. Of all the lower card guys in TNA that could be booked, Terry is quite possibly the worst choice.
MATCH 1-No DQ, No Time Limit Match for the World Championship: Champion Bobby Roode vs. Jeff Hardy
Hardy immediately gets in the ring and lays in some punches, a forearm and a clothesline. Inverted atomic drop, double legdrop and a basement dropkick follow. Hardy hits an avalanche in the corner, but Roode manages to come back with a fireman’s carry into a flapjack. Haven’t seen that move since Test (RIP). Hardy makes it back to his feet and back drops Roode to the floor, follows up with a dropkick through the ropes and a plancha. Hardy grabs a chair and cracks Roode over the back with it after slamming it into his ribs. Mike Tenay just stated that he loves the leeway referee Brian Hebner is giving the competitors by allowing them to fight on the floor like this. Did “The Professor” already forget that this is a No DQ match? He can’t be this stupid. Wait…can he? I’m being told that, yes, he in fact can. Hardy slams Roode into one of the guardrails before doing some stomps. Some football player is in the front row. I give a damn, let me tell you. Hardy slams Roode into the ring apron, followed by one into the steps. Roode blocks a second attempt into the steps and goes for a suplex on the floor. Hardy reverses into one of his own. Another slam into the steps. He hits a jumping clothesline off the steps, knocking Roode back down. He begins crawling up the ramp, but is cut off by a chair shot to the back. Hardy remains on offense, whipping Roode into the ring apron. Hardy does it again after the crowd chants “One more time”. Roode begins to fight back with some punches and tries to whip Hardy into the steps, but Hardy reverses and sends Roode knees-first into them. He pulls the steps out and connects with Poetry in Motion against the guardrail. Commercials.
Damn near done with Final Fantasy XIII, which is perfect timing since XIII-2 just came out.
Back from the break, Hardy connects with a sit-out gourdbuster in the ring for 2. Roode crawls to the corner and manages to reverse a whip. Hardy gets his elbow up and goes for the Whisper in the Wind, but Roode knocks Hebner into the ropes, crotching Hardy in the process. Roode launches Hardy to the floor under the bottom rope. Roode heads to the floor and begins stomping Hardy. Roode pulls Hardy to the ramp and sets up for a piledriver. Hardy reverses into a back body drop. Hardy hits a legdrop across the back of Roode’s head before dragging him up to the stage area. Hardy throws Roode off the ramp in a silly-looking spot. Hardy follows up with a leaping clothesline off the ramp. Another whip into the guardrail. Hardy’s been on offense for about 90% of the match. He goes for the Twist of Fate, but Roode shoves him off into the side of the stage. Roode charges in, but Hardy sidesteps him, sending him shoulder-first into the stage. Hardy throws Roode back to the ramp before dragging him to the ring. Hardy takes his shirt off as Kurt Angle runs down, throws him into the steps, then throws him into the ring. Roode hits a quick spear and gets the 3.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Bobby Roode. Although the right man went over here, this was a stupid match with a stupid ending. Does everyone in TNA use a spear as a finisher now?
Backstage, Roode is telling Anonymous Interviewer that he is still champion and wants to know how many chances Hardy is going to need or get. Sting keeps trying to stack the deck, and Roode keeps defying the odds. Sting walks up and calls him a cheater. He’s not done yet, and Roode is going to defend the belt again. He’s got a couple guys who want to take Roode out, and they will face off in a #1 contenders match later tonight.
Anonymous Interviewer #2 is in the bowels of the Impact Zone with Eric Young. Young is holding a guitar. He begins rambling about his relationship with ODB and a bunch of other crap. He apparently blew it with ODB, but he’ll win her back. I give a damn. Why are his teeth so yellow.
Sting is in the back, saying he’s sick about the World title situation. He’s telling two people off-screen that they have a strong case for getting a shot at the title. Camera pans over to reveal Blubber Ray and James Storm. Both of them are claiming they won the belt at the PPV. Storm is going to kick Ray in the face tonight. Great.
We get a video from the PPV of what happened with Jesse Sorensen in his match with Zema Ion. We see that the injury happened when Ion’s knee caught Sorensen across the head off a moonsault to the floor. He was temporarily paralyzed as a result, but has reportedly been released from the hospital and has been slowing gaining the feeling back in his extremities. It’s good to hear that here that the injury could have been much, much worse, and he is expected to make a full recovery.
MATCH 2: World X-Division Champion Austin Aries and Zema Ion vs. Shannon Moore and Alex Shelley
We learn that Ion is the new #1 contender to the X-Division title via forfeit as a result of his match with Sorensen this past Sunday. Moore and Aries start things off as Aries orders Ion to stay on the apron. Aries starts with a side headlock and a shoulder off the ropes. He lands a quick hip throw. Moore reverses into a headscissors, but Aries breaks free and hits a low dropkick before celebrating in the corner. Ion tags himself in and eats a kick. Moore hits an awkward cross-body for 2. Shelley tags in and hits a double axe handle off the top rope. Shelley locks in an arm wringer, but Ion breaks it with a stomp to the foot. He grabs a side headlocks, but Shelley throws him off. Quick series of reversals sees Ion eventually land a reverse enziguri. Aries tags himself in and is immediately hit with a dropkick. Moore whips Ion into him in the corner, and follows with a spinning heel kick that sends Aries to the floor. Moore hits a baseball slide and an Asai moonsault. He plays around with Ion’s hairspray can, which causes Ion to dropkick him to the floor. Moore and Aries eventually get back in the ring. Moore hits a quick bodyslam and tags in Shelley. Shelley misses a double stomp from the top rope, but manages to hit a mule kick after landing on his feet. He goes for Sliced Bread #2, but Aries throws him off into the corner and hits a dropkick to the back. Aries sets up for the brainbuster, but Ion tags himself in and gets a quick schoolboy with a handful of tights, earning the 3.
WINNERS: Austin Aries and Zema Ion. Nice, fast-paced match here. Good to see Aries still dominating the division, not to mention a healthy Alex Shelley.
Backstage, we see Knockouts Tag Team Champions Gail Kim (who is also the Knockouts Champion) and Madison Rayne walking around. Oh, how I’ve missed our time together, Maddy. Kim is talking about how all of her challengers have blown it, and how her friends aren’t there for her. Rayne says that there’s been confusion, but she apologizes for that, and announces that there will be a 10-woman battle royal to determine the new #1 contender. Kim says she’s glad Rayne understands how this friendship works.
Other than having a bunch of really, really sh*tty tattoos, what the hell does Dave Navarro know about tattooing? He has no business hosting a tattoo competition show. Hell, a tattoo competition show has no business existing.
MATCH 3: 10-Knockout Battle Royal to determine a new #1 Contender to the Knockouts Championship; Participants: Mickie James, Angelina Love, ODB, Madison Rosita, Sarita, Velvet Sky, Tara, Brooke Tessmacher and Winter
Before all of the contestants are out, Madison Rayne and Gail Kim come out. Rayne gets a microphone and calls Kim a gracious champion, and out of the goodness of her heart, she’s giving everyone in the ring the opportunity to become the NUMBERONECONTENDER!!!! for her Knockouts title. Anyone of these ladies could be the new champion. RINGTHEBELLRIGHTNOW!!! Rayne leaves, getting this match started. Despite being a 10-Knockout match, there are only 9 in the ring. How much do you want to bet Rayne sneaks in at the end and wins? A bunch of brawling, and Winter & Tessy are quickly eliminated by ODB. ODB presses Rosita over the top rope, eliminating her. James attempts to Tunacanrana ODB over the top rope, but they both land on the apron. James goes up top for the Thesz Press, but is knocked off and to the floor by ODB, eliminating her. A couple seconds later, the remaining knockouts knock ODB off the apron, eliminating her. We’re down to Love, Sky, Sarita and Tara. Tara tees off on Sarita, whipping her in the corner. Tara is almost eliminated by Sarita, landing on the apron. Tara is holding her knee as Love dropkicks her to the floor. Tara is eliminated. Sky fights off the heels with kicks and chops, i.e. her entire offense. Sky hits a clothesline on Sarita, but is knocked down by Love. The heels go for a double clothesline, but Sky ducks and hits one of her own. She tries to eliminate Love, but Sarita knocks her down from behind. A pair of foot chokes in the corner from behind by the heels. Sarita gets in a rear chinlock, but Sky fights out and hits another clothesline. Back elbows for Love and another clothesline for Sarita. Sky tries to eliminate Sarita, but is stopped by Love. Love tries to eliminate Sky now, but Sarita breaks that by trying to dump Love. Now the heels are arguing. Double back elbow by the heels. Love hits Sky with the Botox Injection off the ropes. Love tries to throw Sky out, but Sky holds on. Sarita dumps Love from behind, eliminating her. You know, April Hunter told me that the reason Love is so skinny is that she’s blessed with a high metabolism. I don’t think “blessed” is the right word; b*tch looks like a meth addict. Anyway, Sarita tries to send Sky to the floor, but Sky low bridges her, sending Sarita to the floor. As Sky celebrates, thinking she has won, Rayne runs into the ring and throws Sky over the top rope. I must be a damn psychic!
WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: Madison Rayne. Gail Kim’s acting all angrypants after the match.
In a locker room, James Storm is screaming about his match with Blubber Ray tonight. He punches a hole in the wall. He says he’ll be the only man standing tonight.
We see Eric Bischoff and Gunner backstage, and they’re heading to the ring for a promo. You know, I didn’t think Gunner could look like a bigger douchebag than he already did. That is, until I saw him just now in a sport jacket and t-shirt, hair in a ponytail and wearing Aviator sunglasses. Congratulations, Top Gun; you’ve just out-douched yourself.
If you thought the Direct Auto commercials TNA already had were bad, you haven’t seen Matt Morgan beating people up in an office in his ring gear yet.
Backstage, Samoa Joe and Magnus talk about beating Crimson and Matt Morgan for the titles last Sunday. Magnus calls them the best team today. Anonymous Interviewer tells them they have a rematch next week. Joe says it doesn’t matter, because they’re staying the champs.
Yet another highlight video for Gunner/Garett Bischoff. I don’t care at all.
Eric Bischoff and Gunner make their way out, accompanied by Ric Flair and Chelsea. Hey, remember her? No? Neither does anyone else except for Desmond Wolfe’s biggest fans. Bischoff thanks everyone, especially Gunner. They finally put an end to the sad chapter in Garett’s life. He thanks Flair for the guidance and Gunner for beating Garett up. SoCal Val brings a plate with cigars and champagne on it to the ring. Bischoff has one more thing to say to his son. Following in his footsteps was a waste of time. He’ll never accomplish anything close to what his dad has, because he’s not his dad. Garett should get a job as a dog catcher or an electrician, but don’t ever think about stepping foot in his business again. Good luck to you in your future endeavors. I’d be worried about Bischoff getting sued since I think that phrase is now trademarked by WWE, but since no one watches this show, I guess it doesn’t matter.
Backstage, Blubber Ray is telling Anonymous Interviewer that his name is “Calves-zilla”, and this match shouldn’t even be happening. Everyone knows he should be the champion right now. If he has to go through Storm, so be it. He then asks the camera man to shoot his calves again before calling himself awesome.
In the interview area, Christy Hemme is talking to some toolbox named Mike Stracka or something like that. He apparently hosts some stupid MMA show on Spike. It’s an MMA show “for adults”. Yeah, because regular MMA shows are so kid-friendly. Christy Hemme’s shoulder tattoo is beyond stupid.
Eric Young bumps into ODB backstage, apologizing for not sending her anything on Valentine’s Day. He asks her to sit down so he can sing her his “Ode to ODB”. Young then sings, if that’s what you can call it. ODB gets up, smacks him on the butt and drags him away for his present. That means sex, to the uninitiated.
MATCH 4-Winner becomes the new #1 Contender for the World Championship: Bully Ray vs. James Storm
Bully Ray can flex his calves all he wants; he’s still out of shape everywhere else. His calves aren’t even that big. Anyway, Storm starts the match off with an arm wringer into a hammerlock, which Ray breaks by getting to the ropes. They go into a tie-up, with Ray getting the advantage and backing Storm into the corner. Storm ducks a shot and gets some punches and kicks in. Storm with a corner whip and an avalanche. Ray runs into an arm drag, which gets a 1-count. Storm kicks off a clothesline, but Ray counters another kick, trips Storm up and drops some elbows on the left leg of Storm. He drags Storm to the aprong and slams the leg across the apron. He takes Storm’s boot off to expose the leg. Ray gets back in the ring and gets in a leglock while grapevining the left arm. Storm breaks the hold by crawling to the rope. He gets back to his feet, but Ray kicks the back of the knee. He pulls off Storm’s kneepad and leg warmer (for lack of a better word), further exposing the leg. Storm apparently has a big tattoo there. Can’t tell what it is. Ray slams the knee in the mat, then locks in a single-leg Boston crab (Tenay: “Single leg submission hold”). Ray releases the hold and drops an elbow on the leg, getting 2. Ray grabs his wallet chain and tosses it at Earl Hebner. Not sure the point of that. Ray continues to work the leg over as we go to commercials.
Back from the break, Ray hits a an avalanche in the corner. Storm gets back to his feet and gets in some punches, but Ray hits a seated dropkick to the knee off the ropes for another 2. Seeing Ray attempt any kind of dropkick is awkward. Just saying. Ray blows a snot rocket at Earl Hebner before going back to Storm’s knee with some punches and a rolling snap. Storm hits a quick uppercut and a Codebreaker. Ray tries for a running boot, but Storm ducks and hits the Last Call to get the 3.
WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: James Storm. That match was…really anti-climactic. SoCal Val hands Storm a couple of beers. If he starts having anonymous people in the crowd start launching beers at him, I’m going to be pissed. New York Giants Brandon Jacobs hops over the guardrail to celebrate with Storm. Bully Ray knocks Storm into the guardrail as they are celebrating. He then turns around and tries to get in football guy’s face. Ray takes his beer and begins talking trash. He takes a drink before spitting it into football guy’s face. Brandon Jacobs knocks him down with a shove before Storm, D-Lo Brown, Al Snow and Pat Kenney hold him back. Where the hell did they come from? Mike Tenay refers to them only as “TNA agents”. Probably because he doesn’t know who any of them actually are.
After the break, we get a replay of what you just saw.
Storm and Brandon Jacobs head to the back, and are stopped by Anonymous Interviewer, wanting to know what happened out there. Brandon Jacobs said his man beat Bully, and we’re going to show everyone how to beat Bully. Huh? He and Storm then scream nonsensically at each other. Interviewer continues with his Captain Obvious questions. Brandon Jacobs says he tried to break every bone in Bully Ray’s body…with a shove. Storm says next week, Brandon Jacobs will “lay the smack down” on some people next week. Brandon Jacobs says payback is coming. Didn’t he already get his payback by shoving Bully Ray down? I mean, I’d say a shove for a beer spit is a fair trade. Stupid segment.
[adinserter block=”1″]Back in the ring, Sting is out and wants Bobby Roode to come down. Sting says he’s glad to finally make this match, Roode vs. Storm at Lockdown in a cage. Tenay acts all surprised by this match being in a cage, despite the fact that every match at every Lockdown PPV has been in a cage. Remember, Tenay? This is the PPV that killed Chris Candido when you stupidly threw a cameraman in the ring, despite there not being enough room for him. Roode responds by kicking Sting in the nuts. He then knees him in the chest and kicking him in the ribs. Roode puts on Sting’s sunglasses for no apparent reason before clobbering him with the belt. How much you want to bet this eventually leads to Roode losing the title belt to Sting? Sting has been busted open. Roode mounts him and tries to open the cut some more with punches to the head. He puts Sting’s sunglasses back on Sting’s face, and then punches him one more time. Trust me when I say the sunglasses were not as important to this segment as Roode would have you believe. Roode then tells him to learn to mind his own business.
End of show.
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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.