The 1-12-12 edition of Impact Wrestling starts off with highlights from this past Sunday’s Genesis PPV, specifically, Roode getting disqualified in his title match with Jeff Hardy, thus retaining the World Championship. Okay, watching Roode lick his title belt is a little off-putting.
In the Impact Zone, Roode is making his way out, and it sounds like he has new entrance music yet again (although it sounds just like his old one, minus the words). Anyone else find it funny that this version of the TNA World title belt is less than a year old, yet it’s already falling apart, and this is the second World title belt they’ve had do that? I think it’s time TNA finds someone new to make their belts. Anyway, Roode says that, in his humble opinion after Sunday’s dominant and one-sided affair, he can honestly say he has become the most dominant World Heavyweight Champion in the history of Impact Wrestling. He is simply the greatest. Sting, you keep lining them up, and the champ keeps knocking them down, from James Storm to AJ Styles to Jeff Hardy. He has to give credit where credit is due. Hardy’s life story the last few months almost brings a tear to his eye, almost. But the fact is, on the biggest night of Hardy’s career, he failed. Roode isn’t going to embarrass him anymore, and in fact, he’ll do the opposite. The crowd wants Jeff, and so does Roode, so Roode asks Jeff Hardy to come down, humbly accept his defeat and shake the hand of the World Heavyweight Champion.
Sting comes out now. He says he doesn’t know how many times we’re going to have to go through with this, or why Roode doesn’t get it, so let’s do this one more time. Me Sting, me boss. You Roode, you employee. You punk kid disrupting classroom and making the teacher very angry, make teacher want to take out a big wooden ruler and spank Bobby Roode’s butt (Sting’s actual words). Of course the morons in the Impact Zone begin a “Spank his butt!” chant. Sting has something more harsh for Roode tonight. He points out Roode getting intentionally DQ’ed on Sunday. So, tonight, Roode will be defending the belt against Jeff Hardy tonight.
[ad 6]Outside, we see Matt Morgan heading into a Direct Auto Insurance sales office. Crimson conveniently leaves as Morgan is walking in. Crimson says he took Morgan’s advice and just signed up for a Direct Auto Insurance policy. Of course I’m not making this up. They apparently gave him a great rate. Morgan continues to pay the bills by saying how great they’ve been to his family. They apparently have a match with Robbie T and Robbie E tonight, or as Morgan calls them “The Walking Tool Academy”. Has anyone ever seen a tool academy? Do they even exist? We then get the “Paid endorsement” blurb across the bottom of the screen.
Ink Master looks beyond stupid, and I can guarantee every tattoo artist I know is quite possibly just as pissed off with this show as they were with Tattoo School.
MATCH 1: World Television Champion Robbie E and Robbie T vs. World Tag Team Champions Crimson and Matt Morgan (non-title)
The only way this team could be worse is if TNA replaced Robbie E with CMLL’s Strongman. The champions come out, and they even have their own team theme song, featuring a bunch of nonsensical yelling for the lyrics. Crimson and T start off, with T getting a side headlock and a shoulder block in. E tags in, and Crimson shoves him back into the corner. T immediately tags back in, boots Crimson in the stomach and hits a bodyslam. E back in now, who goes for a middle rope dive, but gets caught by the throat by Crimson and tripped down to the mat. Crimson drops an elbow as T comes in. He is taken down with a clothesline from Morgan. This would be a great match on Sesame Street. Crimson knees E in the gut before tagging Morgan in. He does the corner back elbow bit (that misses completely) before Crimson whips Morgan into the corner on E. Crimson hits an exploder suplex on E while T eats a Carbon Footprint from Morgan. They then hit a double chokeslam on E (which Tenay says the team has used so often to win matches, despite them only using it a couple of times since they’ve been teaming), which is enough to get the win.
WINNERS: Crimson and Matt Morgan. After the match, Magnus and Samoa Joe attack the champions from behind. Joe clobbers Morgan with a title belt as Magnus is stomping Crimson in the corner. Joe picks Crimson up and hits a corner kick before they hit their snapmare/middle rope elbow drop combo. Joe and Magnus hold the belts over their heads.
We see Eric Bischoff make his way into the building. Tenay refers to him as “The Immortal boss”, despite the fact that the group barely exists at this point.
After commercials, we get a highlight video of the feud between Gunner and Garett Bischoff. As exciting as it sounds.
Eric Bischoff makes his way into the Impact Zone. He asks the crowd if they love that song, meaning his entrance theme. Not sure the point of that. Last week, Sting comes out and hands a pair of wrestling boots to Garett, and all of a sudden, Garett thinks he’s a wrestler, with all of his dreams coming true. Not so. He doesn’t blame Garett for the dream. It’s like Eddie Van Halen and Slash shredding on a guitar and making it look easy. They are very talented individuals, just like Eric. Garett has seen him make millions of dollars, reinvent the business, make his wrestling company number one on Earth, and he made it look easy because he’s that good. In the process of all that, he scorched the Earth behind him and destroyed everything that didn’t benefit him, including people he worked with. Garett has no future or friends in this business, so he’s encouraging Garett to give up his dreams, because they will get him hurt.
Garett now makes his way down to the ring. He takes the microphone out of his dad’s hand. Eric wants him to give up on his dreams because he says so? Because Eric’s burned all of his bridges? Garett hasn’t burned all of his, and he has friends, and he’s not going anywhere. He said it last week, and he’ll say it again-he’s proud to be in this ring, in this building, working with and learning from the great ones like Sting, James Storm, Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles. That’s what he’s going to continue to do, and no one is going to take that away from him. Eric tried when Gunner put him out on a stretcher, but Garett came back. Eric can have Gunner do it again and again, and Garett will just keep coming back. So he’s like herpes! Garett says he has a new trainer, and Eric will be shocked to learn who it is. Eric tries to stop Garett as he leaves, but Garett grabs him by the collar, slams him into the turnbuckle and tells him to never put his hands on him again. How much you want to bet Garett’s new trainer is Hulk Hogan?
We see Winter and Angelina Love talking about the drama in the Knockouts Division, how they need a new leader. Winter says they don’t need a new leader, and it’s time people remember who she is. She’s a former two-time champion, and after tonight’s match with ODB, they won’t forget again. Love says that people need to remember her as well, being a former five-time champion. Tonight, Winter’s got this. Man, the acting here is just Oscar-worthy…if the Oscars were run by Uwe Boll.
We now get a video package for the ongoing ODB/Eric Young bullsh*t. I’m so tired of Eric Young. So very, very tired.
Backstage, ODB tells Young it was one kiss, because she was “hot and horny”. Then they head out to the ring. Yeah.
MATCH 2: Winter (w/Angelina Love) vs. ODB (w/Eric Young)
Somehow, despite wearing more clothes than normal, Angelina Love looks more anorexic and sickly than ever. Tie-up to start, with ODB immediately backing Winter into the ropes. Winter goes into a waistlock, but ODB hip bumps her way out before knocking Winter over with her jugs. ODB misses the bronco buster in the ring. Winter picks her up and puts her in the tree of woe before foot-choking her. Winter slides out to the floor and pulls ODB towards the post by her hair. Back in the ring, Winter gets 2. She slams ODB face-first into the mat, then stomps on her back. She goes for a sleeperhold, but ODB fights out and knocks her down with a pair shoulders. Corner whip and an avalanche follow before ODB connects with the bronco buster. ODB hits the fall-away slam. Love tries to interfere, but Young picks her up with an airplane spin, knocking them both to the floor. Winter tries to grab ODB from behind by the hair, but ODB elbows her off and hits the Bammm! For the 3-count.
WINNER: ODB. After the match, ODB makes Young chug her flask.
AJ Styles makes his way down to the ring. He says he has questions for Kazarian, and Kaz better have some answers, so get out here now. Kaz makes his way down to the ring, looking all sadface. Styles tells Kaz he caught him by surprise, because out of everybody, he didn’t expect Kaz to turn his back on him. He wants to know why. Styles says he sounds like a broken record because he had this same conversation a while ago with Christopher Daniels. Kaz says he can’t tell AJ why. Daniels comes out and says he can. As the new face of Impact Wrestling and the smartest man in the room, allow him to solve this mystery. Frankie sees Styles for what he is, a lost cause. Ever since Daniels beat Styles in Huntsville, AL, Kaz has seen Styles lose match after match, and he started wondering why he should follow a loser like Styles around when a winner like Daniels is right here. The moral of the story is Kazarian is done “carrying your ass, you worthless piece of sh*t.” Kaz takes offense to this and cuts Daniels off. Daniels scolds him and tells him to leave. Daniels starts to leave, but Styles just whips the microphone at his back. He lays in a few punches before Kaz pulls Daniels to the floor. I’ve never seen anyone whip a microphone at someone before like that. I kind of liked it.
We see James Storm backstage, in his gear. He’s headed into the Impact Zone next.
Because you demanded it, we get yet another highlight package. This time, it’s a still photo package from the Monster’s Ball match between Abyss and Blubber Ray at Genesis.
In a locker room, Ray tells Bobby Roode he’s the hottest thing in wrestling since he’s trending worldwide on Twitter after Genesis. Roode gets all pissed off about his match tonight. Ray continues to talk about trending on Twitter. Roode says it’s not about Twitter; it’s about Sting throwing his weight around. Ray says he’s got Roode’s back tonight, but he wants a favor. He asks for a shot at the belt, and Roode agrees to it.
James Storm comes out and says it seems some people in the company can take the low road and not suffer any consequences. This company is a little sketchy, and when it comes to him, if he has something to say to someone, he says it to their face, and if he wants to call someone out, he does it immediately, which leads to him calling Kurt Angle out. Angle’s music hits, and he makes his way out to the ring. Angle starts to say something, but Storm slaps the mic out of his hands. At Genesis, Angle wanted to take the low road. That’s fine, as it works for him, and Storm wouldn’t expect anything less. Angle is what his daughter would call a cheater. Angle can say Storm never beat him, but the record books say otherwise. Storm basically challenges Angle to one more match, only it involved teeth and poop. Angle says it’s his night off, and he’s not even on the card. He’s celebrating the moment, because there’s no way in hell Storm’s getting a rematch. He proved he was the better man and wrestler at Genesis, and he’s onto bigger and better things, namely the World title.
Sting’s music hits now. He has some business to take care of first, involving the Hardy/Roode match tonight. If Roode intentionally gets himself disqualified, Hardy will become the new champion. Angle will get his title match in due time, and since he and Storm are 1 and 1 in PPV matches, they will have their rubber match right now, with the winner being next in line for a title match. Angle claims he’s not dressed to wrestle, but Sting tells him he better get back there and get some gear on because the match is happening as soon as the commercials are over.
MATCH 3-Winner becomes the #1 contender for the World Championship: James Storm vs. Kurt Angle
As we come back from the break, Angle has yet to come back out for the match. Earl Hebner rings the bell anyway, and is now counting Angle out. Angle finally runs out as he’s still getting his gear on. He makes it into the ring at 9, and Storm immediately clubs him down before getting him in the corner with some stomps and a knife-edge chop. Stomp to the fingers by Storm before he throws Angle into two of the corners. Angle comes back with an eye rake, but goes shoulder-first into the corner post while charging in. Storm slams him into the turnbuckle one more time before hitting an armbar takedown for 2. Storm stomps the fingers a couple more times before throwing Angle to the floor. Storm follows him out and slams Angle into the stairs. He gets back in the ring to break the count before going back out and ripping at Angle’s mouth. Angle rolls in and out of the ring, suckering Storm back to the floor in the process. Angle hits an uppercut, then slams Storm’s head into the steps. Both are back in the ring now, where Angle begins stomping on Storm’s fingers. Storm reverses an Irish whip, connecting with a back elbow in the process. Angle goes to the floor again and Storm follows, where he gets a kick to the gut, followed by an overhead belly-to-belly suplex on the floor. Commercials.
Back from the break, Angle goes for a pin, but only gets 2. Angle begins attacking Storm’s left leg with stomps. Angle hits a snap suplex for another 2. Angle continues stomping on the left leg. Storm gets back to his feet, but Angle kicks Storm’s leg right out of his leg (RIP Owen), sending him back down. Angle fires off a European uppercut, but Storm counters with punches. Angle reverses an Irish whip and hits Storm with a back elbow to the chest. They trade punches again before Angle connects with a forearm to the upper back. Storm ducks a clothesline off the ropes, and they both go for a cross body, colliding mid-ring. They both get back up, and Storm hits some punches, a jumping clothesline, a back elbow and a forearm to the face. Angle goes for a clothesline, but Storm kicks his arm away and hits a lungblower for 2. Storm drops Angle with a backbreaker and climbs up to the middle rope. He drops down as Angle gets his foot up. Storm catches the foot and turns it into an ankle lock. Watch out, Storm. You’ll be the next target of one of Angle’s drunken Twitter rants for stealing his move. Angle rolls through and kicks Storm off into the corner. Angle catches the Angle Slam, but only gets 2. Angle’s got a busted lip. It’s kind of funny, because the way the blood is on his face, he kind of looks like he’s got a Hitler ‘stache. Angle mounts Storm and lays in some punches before grinding his forearm into Storm’s face. He goes to the floor and grabs Storm’s beer bottle. He takes a drink of it before getting back in the ring. Earl Hebner gets the beer bottle away from him, but as he turns his back, Angle spits beer in Storm’s face. Angle then hits the worst superkick you’ve ever seen, but only gets 2. Angle smacks Storm around, but Storm quickly hits a Codebreaker, sending Angle into the ropes. Angle bounces off right into a Last Call, which is enough to get Storm the 3.
WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: James Storm. They show the sequence several times in the replay. Angle totally oversold the Codebreaker.
Jeff Hardy is backstage with Anonymous Interviewer. As far as he’s considered, he didn’t win at Genesis, and isn’t the champion. Astute observation there, Meth. Tonight, he ends the selfish generation and “The Enigma” becomes the champion.
We get a video package for Brooke Adams, who tells us that she apparently works in a Hooters on top of her duties at TNA. She’s in some meaningless Hooters contest.
We see Sting standing by for a photo shoot. Madison Rayne walks in and says they got off on the wrong foot, and she may have been a bit overzealous in assuming the V.P. position of the Knockouts division. Right now, she’d like Sting to make it official and make her the V.P. now. Sting says he can’t do that, and give him one good reason why she should get the job. Rayne says she can get the job done. Awesome response there, Maddy. Sting asks if by, “get the job done”, she’s referring to how she screwed Mickie James out of the Knockouts title in her match with Gail Kim. Sting says he won’t put her in a cage like the one at Genesis, because she deserves bigger and better than that. So, next week, she’ll face Mickie James one-on-one in a steel cage. Rayne says to rethink the situation, and that they don’t need to do that. Sting says they do. Rayne runs off, screeching for Gail Kim. Sting plugs his ears.
MATCH 4-World Championship: Jeff Hardy vs. Champion James Storm
Mike Tenay just said the following: “At Genesis, Jeff Hardy did everything BUT win the World Heavyweight Championship from Bobby Roode.” Thanks so much, “Professor”, for that very astute and revealing call. God, I hate you. Just shut the hell up. I’d rather listen to Taz ramble on about nothing by himself for 2 hours than put up with your idiotic observations. Oh, for sh*t’s sake. Tchef Hardy (how Borash pronounces it) has eyes painted on his eyelids. And while we’re talking about Borash, he announces the champion as “Bobby Roo”. As Roode gets into the ring, Hardy baseball slides him down to the floor. He follows out and slams Roode into the guardrails. He slams Roode into a chair right in front of Ditzy Carter, who I didn’t even know was in the audience until now (not that it matters). Hardy slams Roode into the ring post and the steps before stepping on Roode’s head while it’s still on the steps. The bell hasn’t even been rang yet, by the way. Hardy catapults Roode into the ring post. He goes for a Twist of Fate, but Roode shoves him off. Hardy comes back with a clothesline before finally throwing Roode into the ring and officially starting the match. Hardy gets Roode in the corner and stomps away at him. Hardy fires off a forearm off the ropes, getting 2. Short-arm clothesline gets another 2. Hardy hits a sit-out gourdbuster for another 2. Hardy clotheslines Roode over the top rope to the floor as we go to commercials.
Back from the break, Hardy slams Roode head-first into the ring apron before whipping him into the ring steps. Hardy pulls the steps out as Roode collapses on the guardrail. He goes for a Poetry in Motion off the steps, but Roode moves out of the way, sending Hardy crashing to the floor. What a dumbass. Roode gets back into the ring as Brian Hebner is counting Hardy out. Hardy slides in at 9, where he’s met by punches from Roode. Roode drives a knee into the back before going for a rear chinlock. Hardy tries to break out, but Roode clubs him down before going to the middle rope, where he hits a blockbuster for 2. Roode stomps Hardy down a few times before dragging him to the middle of the ring. Hardy counters with a sit-out jawbreaker, a side-Russian legsweep and a double legdrop into a pin for 2. Hardy hits an inverted atomic drop and another variation of the double legdrop, followed by a weak basement dropkick for 2. Roode reverses a corner whip, but runs into a back elbow. Hardy goes up top and hits Whisper in the Wind for another 2. Hardy goes for the Twist of Fate, but Roode reverses into the Double R spinebuster. He should change that, since he’s not going by Robert anymore. Roode goes for the Payoff, but Hardy counters into the Twist of Fate. He goes up top for the swanton bomb, but Roode rolls out of the way, sending Hardy to the mat. Roode goes for the pin, but only gets 2. Roode climbs to the middle rope for a dive, but Hardy sees it coming and catches Roode with a boot to the gut. He hits the stunner variation of the Twist of Fate, followed by the normal version. Hardy takes his shirt off before going up top because, you know, that makes the move more effective. Hardy hits the swanton this time, but before Hebner can count 3, Blubber Ray pulls him out and boots him in the face. Hardy flattens Roode with a plancha as Roode slides to the floor. Jeff Hardy’s music then hits as the commentators debate on what the decision is here.
WINNER: No contest.
End of show.
[adinserter block=”1″]Well, that ending was…well, it was just stupid. By all logic, Roode should have been disqualified with Hardy gaining the belt (not that I want that) since the referee was assaulted by Blubber, but because the referee was knocked out so bad, he won’t be able to remember it, thus not making any call he could make valid. Despite the fact that, you know, the whole thing was on tape and Hebner can reexamine it later, not to mention there are other referees who work there who could have come out and disqualified Roode, or at the very least climbed into the ring and continued the match. But hey, that requires logic, and TNA is a black hole for logical solutions.
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