ESPN, Saturday, September 26, 2009
Anchor: “We have breaking news to report out of Lexington, Kentucky this evening. Tim Tebow, quarterback for the Florida Gators, and the possible second coming of our Lord, has been taken to a nearby medical facility after sustaining a concussion. Again, Tim Tebow, Gators quarterback, and a better man than all of us, has just been taken to a hospital in Lexington, Kentucky after sustaining a concussion in tonight’s game at Commonwealth Stadium. We go live to our stereotypical airhead reporter, who is live at Commonwealth Stadium with the latest. What’s the situation?”
Anchor: “I understand we have the footage, is that correct?”
(Video airs of the ambulance with Tim Tebow inside, leaving for the hospital)
Anchor: “Do you have a video of the actual injury?”
Reporter: “We do, but who wants to see that? That’s too upsetting to watch. No one wants to see Tim Tebow, savior of humanity, getting his skull cracked.”
Anchor: “I concur. I’ve seen the video of President Kennedy’s assassination. I watched on September 11 a scant eight years ago when the second plane slammed into the World Trade Center. This sounds, at the very least, just a little bit worse. Hang on, we have our stereotypical Southern football analyst on the line. Sir, what can you tell us about what you saw here this evening?”
Analyst: “Bear with me, please….I….I don’t know…..if I can…..if I-”
Anchor: “I know this is very traumatic, and if you can’t-”
Analyst: “Tim Tebow is a truly wonderful human being! I’ve watched every one of his games since he came to Gainesville and I tell you, I don’t believe I’ve ever met anyone more noble.”
Anchor: “I understand your sorrow-”
Analyst: “One time in my playing days, I took a nasty hit and was unconscious for twenty minutes. During my infirmed state, I tell you, I actually talked to God! He was a wonderful man, so benevolent and stately and amazing, and he showed me his Kingdom of Heaven. And let me tell you something, compared to Tim Tebow and his greatness, it was like a hobo showing me his tin can collection!”
Anchor: “I concur. What happened in the actual injury to Tim Tebow, healer of sick and homely children?”
Analyst: “That heathen Taylor Wyndham of Kentucky sacked Tim Tebow, and spiked his head into the knee of Tim Tebow’s lineman, Marcus Gilbert. Gilbert, first of all, should have done a better job of blocking for Tim Tebow, greatest person that has ever lived. Secondly, I fully expect for Gilbert to have his scholarship revoked upon his return to Gainesville. One day, maybe Tim Tebow will forgive him, but the rest of us common folk aren’t as nice and forgiving!”
Anchor: “Which brings us to our poll question on ESPN.com, which is “Who is to blame for Tim Tebow’s injury?”. The choices are Marcus Gilbert, Taylor Wyndham, poor playing surface, and breakdown in divine intervention. We now go back to our reporter on the scene, who is with a drunken Florida fan. What’s the scoop?”
Reporter: “Sir, what can you tell us about what happened tonight involving Tim Tebow, Christ reborn?”
Fan: “We’re not leaving yet! Lexington, your city will burn! We got gasoline, we got matches, and we’re angry! Tim Tebow was on a holy mission to protect the world…..through throwing a football….and we’re not going to let you punks get away with this!”
Reporter: “Sir, don’t you feel this is a bit extreme?”
Fan: “Extreme?!? Tim Tebow’s in the hospital!”
Reporter: “Back to you in the studios. GET ME A GAS CAN!!! I HAVE A LIGHTER!!”
(Aerial footage is shown of Tim Tebow’s ambulance leaving the stadium)
Anchor: “If you’re just joining us, folks, Florida quarterback Tim Tebow, our holy spirit, has been injured. He sustained a concussion in tonight’s game against the University of Kentucky and has been rushed to the Chandler Medical Center. We’re joined in studio by our NFL expert. Given the fact that he has a concussion, possibly severe brain damage, and that the NFL is more physically demanding than NCAA football….what does this do for his draft day status?”
Expert: “Well, I’m sure he’ll be in attendance so that the ESPN cameras will be on him approximately 800 times during the first hour, but as far as his draft projection goes, it’s up in the air. He still just might be the first overall pick. It’s believed that to have a man like Tim Tebow, who makes all of our lives worth living, on your team will make things brighter and will likely lead the club to as many Super Bowls as they want.”
Anchor: “And if he’s not taken first?”
Expert: “Then we go to ‘code blue’: ESPN will ignore whoever gets drafted first and spend the entire pre-season gushing over the pretty white guy. The debacle with JaMarcus Russell and Brady Quinn comes to mind.”
Expert: “I mean ‘understandable situation’.”
Anchor: “Preliminary results are in for our poll, and it’s a dead heat between Marcus Gilbert and Taylor Wyndham for the near fatality of Tim Tebow, The Chosen One, this evening. We’re also getting e-mails, asking us to tone down the excessive coverage of this story, but what do these people know? They must be self-loathing atheists who derive pleasure from the sinful aspects of this mortal coil that we call ‘life’. Back to Lexington, where our reporter is standing by. What’s the latest?”
Anchor: “We’re going to take a commercial break, but when we come back: continued coverage of the injury to Tim Tebow, Modern Messiah.”
(Hubble telescope footage of Tim Tebow being rushed to the hospital is shown)
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded (as well as well-paid) columnist or author. He tweets at twitter.com/notoriousjrh and facebooks himself at http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh.
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