Ah, Halloween. Not many other holidays can simultaneously conjure up the fun of getting free candy, as well as the idea that a crazed man in a William Shatner mask may hack you to pieces if you’re caught in the act of pre-marital coitus. Funny how these two traditions seem to go together.
Speaking of traditions, this brings me to my personal favorite tradition: the clever costume. Nothing gets a guy noticed like thinking outside the box and catching the eyes of all the other party-goers. I remember being 12 years old and dressing as “The Unabomber”, and nobody in my neighborhood seemed to mind. Man, things were so simple in 1996. I can recall a friend, and I use that word with concern, coming to a party with a bald skull cap and a coat hanger and….well, for the sake of keeping this column PG, as well as respecting Eric Gargiulo’s desire to have a sanitized web site, let’s just say that said costume drew either guffaws of unbelieving laughter or disgusted expressions of shock.
So here we go.
Needs: Giants jersey, jeans/slacks with giant hole in the right thigh, fake wound for exposed flesh on said portion of thigh.
Additional mannerisms: Try to push off of people if they get too close for comfort.
Needs: Dodgers jersey (while it’s still accurate), dreadlocks, do-rag, pants too baggy for the occasion
Additional mannerisms: If you’ve ever faked an illness to leave school guy, conjure up how disoriented you had to be to be convincing. Also, proclaim your loyalty to the other party-goers and then duck out without telling anyone. See if you still have friends the next day.
Needs: Browns jersey, headset, clipboard
Additional mannerisms: Look bored, sit down a lot. Lament openly where your life is headed.
CHAD OCHO CINCO
Needs: Bengals jersey, whatever attention getting device you can find to apply to yourself.
Additional mannerisms: Just bother everyone in sight. Don’t relent. DON’T!
Needs: Swim trunks, fake gold medals, box of Froot Loops, something vaguely resembling a bong, but not an actual bong (no sense in going to jail for the sake of a funny costume)
Additional mannerisms: Remember when you were a kid when you and your friends use to make fun of retards by mimicking their faces? Try and remember how you did that.
Needs: Florida Gators jersey, stigmata wounds, ESPN sponsorship patches (optional)
Additional mannerisms: Be really nice and cool, but bring 12-15 people with you to endlessly speak about how great you are. The trick is the get the other partiers to hate you, even though you’ve done nothing wrong.
Needs: Fat suit, framed photo of Brett Favre, permanent hard-on
Additional mannerisms: This is all you’re going to need.
Needs: Big black beard, fighter trunks, swollen eye
Additional mannerisms: Whatever it takes to disappoint anyone that believes in you.
Needs: Cowboys jersey, crap-eating grin, trophy slut (may be additional expense, depending on quality)
Additional mannerisms: Be amazingly charming for the first 3/4 of the night, then screw something up near the end and cry about it. For months.
Needs: Three piece gray suit, librarian glasses, hideous combover.
Additional mannerisms: Act like you’re better than the proceedings. Make sure there’s at least 20-30 seconds between your sentences. Tough as it may be, you also have to show no emotion if something incredible happens. It’s harder than it sounds, so you may want to keep some Zoloft handy.
Needs: Lakers jersey, friend who is hairy, dumb, and at least 6’3″
Additonal mannerisms: Assuming your friend has a sense of humor, ask him if he a) wants to go to a party, b) doesn’t mind wearing a dress and c) will answer to “Khloe”.
THE CHANCES OF THE TENNESSEE TITANS
Needs: Just don’t show up to the party.
Additional mannerisms: Because you don’t exist, bro.
Needs: Redskins polo shirt, slacks, headset, no clipboard (privileges suspended)
Additional mannerisms: It’s risky, but allow one friend to run you over with a car or four wheeler before attending the party. This gives the impression that someone threw you under the bus.
Needs: Yankees jersey, insect bites on face
Additional mannerisms: Successfully eat a potato chip? Tie your shoe without fail? Take a piss without making a mess? Celebrate, dude! It’s what you do!
Needs: Stomach padding, Eagles polo shirt, glasses, headset
Additional mannerisms: A look of utter confusion. If you’re an Eagles fan, remember how dumbfounded you were when they lost to Oakland recently? Remember that face! That’s the Andy Reid face! Also, cough a lot.
VENUS WILLIAMS, SERENA WILLIAMS, JENNIFER LOPEZ, AND MARC ANTHONY
Needs: We all know what they look like
Additional mannerisms: And you know what they act like. Just try to name drop “Dan Marino” and “that Zonk-uh guy” to show you care about the current Dolphins team that you proudly own for sporting reasons, and not reasons of glory.
Needs: Tuxedo, microphone, ability to add dignity to glorified jello wrestling
Additional mannerisms: Can you work the phrase “How about some fruit with that cottage cheese?” into everyday conversation? Why aren’t you running CCB then? (Just kidding Eric, please don’t axe me from your site.)
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