Despite the embarrassing loss to the Redskins Sunday, I assure you I’m still bleeding Eagle green.
I mean, I’m LITERALLY bleeding green.
Combined with a nasty touch of the flu is an equally nasty cold that has rendered me as sluggish as Miami’s special teams, and about as effective. The only difference is my illness has only made me sick in two ways, whereas the Dolphins gave their fans about six harsh reasons to become bedridden.
I’m also a bit miffed because Andre Johnson, a key component of my fantasy football team, was benched about 2 minutes before kickoff at 4:05 EST Sunday, leaving me without a replacement wide receiver. I had Braylon Edwards and TJ Houshmandzadeh, who both played at 1 o’clock, and starting either of them would have given me the win.
In other news, if Drew Brees doesn’t start throwing to Marques Colston more, I’m gonna rip that birthmark right off of his endearing, giving, philanthropic, selfless kisser.
So yeah, other than doing well on my picks, (9-5 for the week), I’ve been fairly miserable. The only logical cure for my physical malady, besides helping Jordan Shipley glue his brain back together, is to perhaps do even better on my picks. It’s week five and things are taking shape a bit more definitively in the NFL, so I stand a good chance of getting my picks right, and improving my mood.
Or, I can just go on describing the hues of green that comprise my current snot. Either way is fine with me; I’m just a man with a keyboard. And forest-green snot.
FOR THE YEAR: 34-28
14. Atlanta over Cleveland
Wrestling fans, follow this analogy. You know how Cleveland, a team about as useful as shredded wheat at Rex Ryan’s place, somehow beat the Bengals Sunday? Right, now think about Royal Rumbles of years past. Remember when some bum like Al Snow or Funaki or Brian Kendrick would toss out some midcarder that they had no business eliminating? Right, that’s Cleveland. And what happens to said ‘jabroni’? They get tossed out by a snarling main eventer who’s standing right behind them? Very good! Don’t turn around, Browns. As Jim Ross would say, you wouldn’t like the view.
SCORE: Falcons 31, Browns 7
13. Chicago over Carolina
I think we can pencil Chicago into the role of “team that gets humiliated one week, then comes out roaring the following week with a megaton of output”. The score will vary depending on how Jay Cutler’s brain is functioning. If he’s healthy, it’ll be a massacre. If he’s as brain-dead and confused as Dick Stockton in about ten years, it’ll also be a massacre. Seriously, it’s the high powered Mike Martz offense vs. a Jimmy Clausen-led offense. The only way it’ll be close is if they play ten point mercy.
SCORE: Bears 37, Panthers 14
12. New Orleans over Arizona
Dear Saints, you have yet to annihilate an opponent this season, despite playing some very suspect competition. San Francisco? Carolina? You can’t blow these guys out? Well, guess what. You’ve been handed the Cardinals offense, now led by Max Hall, who 6 out of 10 Cardinals fans couldn’t identify in the Usual Suspects police line-up. I want four turnovers, at least 2 for touchdowns, and I want Drew Brees to throw three touchdowns, all to Marques Colston. Reason being I have Colston and the Saints D on my fantasy team. C’mon, I put a curse on Brett Favre in the NFC Title game, what more do you want?!
SCORE: Saints 31, Cardinals 10
11. San Diego over Oakland
I do this with reservations. Oakland’s like a secondary villain in an action movie: you know he’s not going to beat the hero, but you get a little nervous when you see him nearly punch a hole through the antagonist’s head. Oakland doesn’t win games, but they fight better teams and make them close. Houston knows it, Arizona knows it, and now the Chargers will learn it. I’m confident the Chargers will still win, but I don’t see a manhandling happening. This is one of the highest picks I’ll make in regards to “they’ll win, but not by much”
SCORE: Chargers 24, Raiders 17
10. Baltimore over Denver
Ideal scenario: Kyle Orton gets hurt in the first quarter, Tim Tebow has to lead the charge the rest of the way, and we find out who God truly loves more between Tebow and Ray Lewis. Baltimore’s coming off too strong after gut-wrenching Pittsburgh late on Sunday, and they’re a team that, when riding high, they ride high for a while. Denver’s offense is too shaky to do anything on them.
SCORE: Ravens 21, Broncos 9
9. Philadelphia over San Francisco
I am legally obligated to pick my team no matter what. Picking them is easy, it’s rationalizing it that can be difficult. So, uhh, Kevin Kolb will umm…..he’ll throw downfield like a maniac to quell his biggest critical point from Sunday, and he’ll catch DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin in stride for a few TD’s. Really, as long as the defense doesn’t look bad early like they did Sunday, there’s no reason for the Eagles to lose. Especially if Kolb wants to prove that he should have been starter all along.
SCORE: Eagles 21, 49ers 10
8. Cincinnati over Tampa Bay
The overrated vs. the underrated. I still find humor in Chad Ocho Cinco’s charity cereal providing a phone number for an adult sex line. The only thing funnier is if you tried calling the suicide hotline and wound up with the naughty voice on the other end. How could you kill yourself after getting THAT surprise? Well, maybe your phone bill would drive you over the edge. $1.49 a minute adds up when you lose track of time. Anywho, I’ll take Cincinnati, despite Tampa coming off of a bye, just because Cincy’s defense should be able to contain Josh Freeman. It’s not like Carson Palmer is going to be the impetus for victory.
SCORE: Bengals 17, Buccaneers 7
I loved Donovan McNabb’s rah rah speech after Sunday’s win, where he said Philadelphia made a big mistake trading him for a man with three interceptions in his rookie season so far. I’m not going to lie, I miss having McNabb around. Fortunately, on Sunday, I get to watch McNabb play at his old standard: underthrows in the flat, overthrows in a secondary, appealing for flags every time a defender touches his jersey, and demanding that Shanahan throw the challenge flag after a 3rd and 17 when they’re still five yards short. Do I sound bitter? Don’t worry, the Pack’ll cure me.
SCORE: Packers 27, Redskins 13
6. Houston over New York Giants
Underrated storyline: Brian Cushing making his season debut, either looking like he spent 2 years on the Gandhi diet, or arms the size of Ed Hochuli’s. My biggest regret is that Jon Gruden isn’t doing this game, so that he can tell us how much he admires Cushing’s workout regimen. In any event, I don’t think the Giants have the fortitude to win hard-fought games back to back, and their linebacking corps will have a fun time trying to figure out Arian Foster. Pro tip, New York: he’s not sitting out the first quarter in this one.
SCORE: Texans 28, Giants 17
5. Indianapolis over Kansas City
I know, I gushed my heart out over Romeo Crennel in a written piece last week (https://www.camelclutchblog.com/redemption-for-romeo/), and I believe the Chiefs defense is a stellar one. However, Peyton Manning’s coming off an embarrassing loss. Remember week one? Remember when Arian Foster made his defense look like fools? That triggered the onset of Robo-Peyton, the one who can’t fathom sympathy or display mercy. The Chiefs will hang tough, but there’s no way Indy goes 0-3.
SCORE: Colts 24, Chiefs 14
4. New York Jets over Minnesota
Traffic cops take cover; Randy Moss has come home. As much as Bill Belichick’s decision to turn the Patriots offense into the Utah Jazz is a tad puzzling, I’m more intrigued by the trade for Randy Moss. Because, you know, Brett Favre will suddenly become more accurate and plant his feet better. Nope, still not sold on the Vikes. Speaking of returns, Favre returns to the city where he alienated many teammates two seasons ago. Will there be any hard feelings? Let’s count the sacks.
SCORE: Jets 20, Vikings 10
3. Detroit over St. Louis
Risky pick, and not just because it entails picking the Lions. I actually find it hard to go against the Rams. I think Sam Bradford may be the best quarterback taken first overall since Peyton Manning (yes, I did just put him over Vick, Carr, Palmer, and Eli), because he’s proving formidable with a mediocre cast. Get ye and offense, and the Rams will own the (crappy) division! In the meantime, the Lions play hard and are due for a win, especially if they can make Bradford hurry some throws like they had Favre doing early two weeks back. It’ll be a close game, and a good one, between two unlikely teams.
SCORE: Lions 27, Rams 24
2. Dallas over Tennessee
I smell another Vince Young breakdown. Sing along with me: Dallas dominates on defense, Young throws a couple picks, Jeff Fisher benches Young for Collins, the controversy continues, Dallas gets all the headlines on ESPN through the week with the header being “will Dallas be the first team to play the Super Bowl at home?”, only to watch the team self-destruct the week after. I don’t know why I even bothered transcribing the words; you already knew em.
SCORE: Cowboys 21, Titans 14
1. Buffalo over Jacksonville
Whose idea was it to waste the dulcet tones of Gus Johnson for a game involving these two teams? That’s like having a jello wrestling match between two midgets in your backyard, and then getting Jack Nicholson to be the referee. Buffalo’s due for a win, and with Marshawn Lynch shipped away to Java Land, now’s the time to unleash CJ Spiller and his downhill assault on an unsuspecting Jaguar team. Provided Chan Gailey knows how to do it, of course.
SCORE: Bills 17, Jaguars 14
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