Going in to week #3 of the NFL Season, there are 9 teams that are on pace to once again embarrass themselves, their hometowns and their fans. The pressing question as we prepare for kickoff: Which teams have the die-hard basement staying power and which surprising, slow-starting contenders are headed for the disappointment of an above .500 season?
Most have toasted their league records with a swig from the keg of mediocrity. Some have held their solemn frosty mugs of failure high in a toast heralding not so much as one victory. In any case, lets investigate which team has the inability to succumb to disappointment, win and move up the Wild Card food chain and which team has the wherewithal to embarrass and frustrate their fans for the remainder of the season?
– Miami Dolphins: It’s hard to follow up a perfect 1972 season with anything less than perfection. Yet, since Ace Ventura, Dolphin’s fans have managed to see the team through disappointment-colored glasses. The same could be said for anyone following Jim Carrey’s career. Unfortunately for the Dolphins they clinched the division last year and have two guys who will not let a long-term losing streak prevent them from claiming their .500 season: Ronnie Brown and Bill Parcells. Hurray for average!
– Jacksonville Jaguars: Ewww…and fresh off their attempts to freeze the Fred Durst wart off the Ol’ Jacksonville genitals. Who am I kidding? Florida is the wart on the taint of America…point here is that while M.J.D. HAD it, the remainder of that team is devoid of any true, useful talent. That’s a good start. So there IS hope for a long-term stay in the “OH-FER” history, but because of M.J.D., their hopes at a “OH-FER” season will be shut down faster than an erection within 13 feet of Kathy Griffin.
– Kansas City Chiefs: WOW…the one team that year in/year out, make Lions fans happy they are in the league. Yet, last year, managed to score 2 wins and celebrate like Milli Vanilli winning a Grammy: excited, but praying hard that nobody noticed their mammoth lack of talent. A future “OH-FER” Hall Of Fame organization! However, despite the acquisition of a solid back-up QB, look for a repeat nod of their Grammy Award Winning performance.
– Carolina Panthers: I don’t know about you, but I feel like I have been watching this team’s demise in slow motion since it was first stillborn into existence. It’s hard to comprehend how the Cardiac Cats manage to make it through a season without an implosion that would make Tori Spelling’s chest look like the sweet baby Jesus did the implants himself. They have brought us a few names that have scored HUGE points in Fantasyland, but little real talent to help them win games. They have the desire and drive to lose for 45 minutes that somehow forget about it in the 4th. No amount of cheerleaders having sex in a bathroom with each other will keep this team under 3 wins, no matter how hard they try.
– Tampa Bay Bucs: WTF? How did Tampa go from one of the most dominant defenses with Warren Sapp to an offense that looks like it was pieced together by Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon? Thin, weak and somewhat black. It always seemed to be that Tampa was able to throw together some yards, a few touchdowns and a couple of wins along the way. Tampa’s return to “OH-FER” Greatness – and the standard by which all others are judged – are truly screwed if Ward can get it together. The bad news there is that they’ll be able crap out a win. In spite of the Byron “Wave The White Flag” Leftwich pick-up.
– Detroit Lions: Tight race here for the worst of the worst. Tough to argue with the “hey, we’ve been there”mentality of the record breaking 0-16 Lions. Tough to find flaws in the “how many years have we done this?” logic of putting all of your eggs into a rookie QB’s basket. The Lion’s undoing will come in the form of hope, luck and the Rams. There will be a sad, sad “OH-FER” battle brewing in Week 8 (see: “St. Louis Rams”)
– St. Louis Rams: One year from now, every last one of you will be saying “..Stephen who?” Add those to the list of every NFL team that his people will be contacting to take on his hefty, worthless contract and all of a sudden, Shawn Alexander is starting to look good. This team is for real. They will make a run at – the very least – an 0-7 start. Look for the battle of “Well…Someone HAS to Win” to take place November 1 in Michigan.
A lot can – CAN happen in the next 24hours. And as we have seen (Cincinnati V. Green Bay) parity is all aflutter in the NFL. One thing we know for sure, one thing that remains true and reminds us that the more things change, the more they stay the same: Lions fan’s will always have hope. Despite their last win on December 23, 2007.
Bower is a host for the “Wheelhouse Radio” program that airs every Sunday – Thursday @ 8pm ET/5pm PT at www.blogtalkradio.com/thewheelhouse
Read the Football Outsiders Almanac 2009: The Essential Guide to the 2009 NFL and College Football Seasons by clicking here.
Get your NFL swag discounted on Amazon.com now by clicking here
Use Fantasy Football Commissioner for all of your FF needs at www.fflcommish.com/.
Order the Madden NFL 10: Official Strategy Game Guide by clicking here..