Senior Camel Clutch Blog writer Justin Henry will be live tonight with immediate WWE SummerSlam results and full match-by-match breakdowns throughout the entire show. John Cena defends the WWE championship against Daniel Bryan in the main-event while CM Punk wrestles Brock Lesnar in the co-headlining contest. Christian also challenges Alberto Del Rio for the WWE world heavyweight title while Rob Van Dam takes on U.S. champion Dean Ambrose in the pre-show open. Come back to this blog for all of the fun at approximately 8 PM tonight!
-PRE-SHOW: WWE UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP: DEAN AMBROSE (c) VS. ROB VAN DAM
Van Dam’s first match at SummerSlam since 2004; oddly enough, he was on the pre-show there as well. No Shield, at least in the early going. Van Dam works him over early, but Ambrose comes back with a flurry of punches. RVD responds in kind. Ambrose gets two off of a neckbreaker, and works over the neck to build heat. Ambrose attempts his Headlock DDT, but Van Dam manages to escape certain peril. Van Dam with the upper hand, and he heads up to go for the Five Star, but the Shield’s music hits. Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins make their way out. Mark Henry and Big Show emerge from the locker room to even the odds. This is pretty lengthy for a pre-show match, but it’s two guys I like, so cool.
Ambrose gets Van Dam down and works a chinlock to kill more time. RVD is sent outside in the direction of Reigns and Rollins, but Show and Henry ensure no attack occurs. Ambrose heads out, and Van Dam suplexes him on the barricade, following up with the apron legdrop. Van Dam tries for Rolling Thunder, but Reigns interferes. Ambrose spinebusters RVD for 2. Ambrose misses something from up top, and RVD goes for the Five Star, only for Rollins to distract. Ambrose tries to take over, but Van Dam takes him down, lands Rolling Thunder, and immediately follows up with the Five Star. Reigns runs in and spears Van Dam, drawing the DQ.
WINNER: Rob Van Dam via DQ (Dean Ambrose still WWE United States Champion)
Main Show. Not even gonna bother with Miz talking. Jojo sings all Patrioty to kick us off. If the ratings for Total Divas tonight is the same as usual, that means vapid women will watch domestic disputes, but not pay for wrestling. That’s a message.
Wasn’t that Vince Russo’s short lived promotion? Crowd’s one of those smart-ass crowds, a la post-WrestleMania Raw in north Jersey, as they clap along to Bray’s theme. Can’t wait for the mainer then. So basically, it’s an inferno match, except it doesn’t end when you touch the flames; the fire just prevents interference.
Luke Harper and Erick Rowan can’t even get close to the ring, hence the gimmick. Kane gets the upper hand early on, and Wyatt almost falls toward the shooting flames. The mood lighting’s a nice touch. Wyatt busts out some aggression associated with his down-and-dirty character, flattening Kane with a cross body and grinding his face into the canvas. The crab mask should be a good deterrent.
To their feet, Wyatt avoids a chokeslam, but Kane manages to ground him with a side suplex. Harper tries to slide a kendo stick in, but it catches fire, and one of the marshalls at ringside has to put it out. Lotta visual goodness here. Rowan even puts the fire out on one side using an extinguisher, but the flames come back. Ha!
Kane chokeslams Wyatt twice, and goes for a Tombstone, but Wyatt’s inbred henchmen put the flames out with a fireproof blanket (we were taught to use one in chemistry class!), and they hit the ring to attack. Wyatt drops Kane with Sister Abigail for the win.
WINNER: Bray Wyatt
Afterward, the buzzards drag Kane to the locker room. I’ve seen Deliverance, I’ve got a bad feeling.
-CODY RHODES VS. DAMIEN SANDOW
Hard to sympathize with Rhodes; he lost at Money in the Bank fairly, so why does his whiny act make him a babyface? Reminds me of Survivor Series 1987, when Hogan attacked Andre after the main event, and posed under the guise of letting the fans go home happy, but really it made him look like a sore loser. Also, I’m old.
Rhodes begins with textbook babyface momentum (corner beatdown, backdrop), and gets two off of a layout suplex. The fight spills outside, where Sandow runs him into the ring apron. Back inside, a suplex gets two.
Cross Rhodes fails, and Sandow lays out his former friend, landing the Cubito Aequet. That’s like the People’s Elbow for intellectuals, isn’t it? Sandow works the legs with a deathlock of sorts. Rhodes escapes, and Sandow heads up, only to be hit with a Muscle Buster (or Kinniku Buster, for my fellow Fire Pro nerdlings). Goldust layout punch connects, as does a springboard dropkick.
Disaster Kick connects, but Rhodes misses a corner charge. Sandow tries to finish off of that, but Rhodes counters into the Cross Rhodes for the win. Huh, seemed short.
WINNER: Cody Rhodes
For the record, that’s the third year in a row that the blue briefcase winner jobbed clean at SummerSlam: Bryan, Ziggler, and now Sandow. 50/50 booking, this company could afford to lose it.
-WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: ALBERTO DEL RIO (C) VS. CHRISTIAN
Ahh, the old “build up the babyface out of nowhere, then jerk the rug out” match. If this was prior to 2011, when Christian was still my favorite, I’d be more grumpy about this one.
Christian dumps Del Rio over the top and chases him back inside. Christian tries for a top rope hurrachanrana, but ends up getting crotched. With the challenger hung in the tree of woe, Del Rio kicks him hard in the shoulder. PSYCHOLOGY~! To the floor, Del Rio works the arm and shoulder, and brings him back in for two.
Christian is laid out on a free fall, and has his shoulder dropkicked while laying over the ropes. Del Rio charges, but ends up flying through the ropes when Christian moves. Christian dives off the top onto the champ outside in a nice spot. Back in, Del Rio goes back to the shoulder. I like a match that tells a simple story like this.
Del Rio tries for his jumping enzuigiri when Christian tries to come off the top, but whiffs. Killswitch is countered. Del Rio manages to land a backstabber. Enzuigiri finally hits, this time for two. Top rope senton misses for Del Rio. Christian manages a series of near falls off of a flying elbow and a hurrachanrana. Spear is countered with a dropkick. Crowd is WAY into this. Running knee from Del Rio misses, and Christian rolls him up for two.
Christian lands the Spear, but with the bad shoulder. Slow to cover, Christian is trapped in the Cross Armbreaker, and he taps. Whew, exciting final sequence at least.
WINNER: Alberto Del Rio (Still World Heavyweight Champion)
-Del Rio promises to be the Latin hero for the people. He tried that already, and he turned heel again four months later. Lesson learned, WWE’s booking sucks.
-Miz dances. Just thought you should share my agony. At least Maria Menounos is fun to look at.
-NATALYA VS. BRIE BELLA
I guess this is a reminder to watch Total Divas instead of the WWE Title match. *shrug* The other Total Divas get involved while the crowd chants for various people and things, including JBL and Jerry Lawler. I’m merely half-interested as Natalya wins with the Sharpshooter. That’s a mild surprise.
-NO DISQUALIFICATION: CM PUNK VS. BROCK LESNAR
Did you know that Punk’s one of just three men to be involved in five World Title matches in SummerSlam history? Orton and Cena are the others. The funny things you discover.
Lesnar ragdolls Punk in violent fashion to start, reminiscent of the Cena/Lesnar brawl from April last year. Brock tries to choke him out, but Punk counters with a knee. Knees knock Lesnar outside, and follows with his suicide dive. He tries to employ the rings steps, but Brock battering rams them into Punk. Lesnar eats the post off of a Punk counter, and Punk builds on that by heading up top and diving at Brock yet again. Crazy start.
Punk goes after Heyman, but Brock attacks from behind. Damn babyface logic. Lesnar throws Punk over and across the announce tables, and stomps on him with the table cover on Punk. Back inside, Punk tries to fight back by kicking at Brock’s legs, but Brock clotheslines him with authority. Brock slaps on a bear hug to try and drain Punk, but that’s countered with a series of elbows.
Lesnar floors Punk with a hard knee to the gut, and continues attacking the region. Another bear hug is applied, and Punk manages to escape. Off the top, Brock catches Punk and heaves him with a fallaway slam. Already, this is leaps and bounds better than all three HHH/Brock matches combined. Ribbreaker gets two.
Punk manages to shift the momentum by biting Brock’s ear a la Tyson, and stuns the monster with elbows. Flying knee off the top connects and a corner knee gets two. Macho Man elbow connects, and then Punk tries for the GTS. Lesnar escapes, tries for the F5, but Punk roundhouses Brock in the head. Punk tries for the GTS again, but Lesnar counters with the Kimura.
The two then exchange submissions, with Punk applying a triangle choke. Try for the guillotine, it worked on Shogun. Brock powerbombs Punk, who holds onto the triangle. A second one breaks the hold.
Running powerbomb breaks Punk in half. Then Brock lands his own Three Amigos for two. Brock goes to get a chair, and Punk dives to the floor at him yet again. This is just getting better.
Punk lands some chair shots, but Brock wrests control of the chair back inside. Punk goes low (hey, it’s no DQ). Savage elbow on the chair gets two. Punk drills Brock with more chair shots, but Heyman grabs the chair. Brock tries for the F5, and Punk grabs Heyman’s tie to prevent the execution! Punk counters with the GTS, but Heyman breaks up the pin. Brock tries another F5, and Punk counters with another GTS. Punk locks in the Anaconda Vice. That brings Heyman in, and Punk clocks him, locking in the Vice on him. Lesnar then brutalizes Punk with the chair, and finishes him with the F5.
WINNER: Brock Lesnar
I think Brock may have been involved in the match of the year for WWE two straight years (he and Cena last year, minus the finish). That’s damn near a ***** match. Hunter had three chances against Brock, and if any broke **1/4, I’d call it generous.
-DOLPH ZIGGLER/KAITLYN VS. BIG E LANGSTON/AJ LEE
Kaitlyn/AJ > the Bellas. Then again, sleep apnea > the Bellas.
The women are tagged in after minimal man on man action (that sounds worse than it is…), and AJ is dominant early. AJ wears Kaitlyn down with a chin lock, and Kaitlyn slams her hard into the post to break. The men are tagged back in, and Ziggler takes Big E down, landing his series of elbows. Big E manages to overpower Dolph, and hits a modified backbreaker, with Kaitlyn breaking up the pin. Kaitlyn spears AJ on the floor, and Dolph escapes the Big Ending, landing the Zig Zag for the win.
WINNERS: Dolph Ziggler and Kaitlyn
Merely a prelude to the fuster-click forthcoming.
Prematch for the mainer is what you’d expect: place loses its mind for Bryan, and boos Cena out of the building, with some scattered cheers audible. Cena’s got the elbow bandaged.
-WWE CHAMPIONSHIP: JOHN CENA (c) VS. DANIEL BRYAN (TRIPLE H, SPECIAL REFEREE)
Loud “YOU CAN’T WRESTLE” chants at Cena, who tries to wrestle Bryan, and nearly falls victim to the LeBell Lock. Cena goes to the floor to avoid. Cena talks to the ringside doctor, who as far as I know isn’t Zahorian.
Cena applies a headlock and takes Bryan down. Bryan escapes, but is knocked to the apron, and a second blow from Cena sends Bryan into the commentary table. Cena follows him out, but Bryan sends him flying into the ring steps. Bryan tries to suplex him off the steps, but Cena counters with his own. Back in, Cena covers for two. Cena powerbombs Bryan, another two count.
Bryan escapes a chinlock, and pelts Cena with kicks (and loud Yeses) in the corner. Bryan misses the crescendo roundhouse, and Cena dropped him. Bryan, however, can see Cena, and kicks him in the shoulder to avoid the Shuffle. Cena fought back, landing the spinout bomb, and finally lands the Shuffle.
Cena went for the AA, but Bryan counters with a kick. Missle dropkick gets two. Bryan viciously kicks at Cena’s bad arm, and Hunter intervenes to see if Cena can continue. Bryan kicks away some more as the crowd remains in his corner.
Cena went up top, but Bryan managed to superplex him while his legs were laced in the buckle. Bryan pulled himself up and landed a diving headbutt for two. With Cena on the floor, Bryan dove at him with a suicide dive, but Cena slugged him before he could leap. Cena then came off the top with a flying fame-asser for two.
Cena takes Bryan up top, but Bryan counters with a rana attempt. Cena then drives Bryan down painfully with a Styles Clash-like piledriver. Ouch! He applies the STF, and Bryan fades all the way into his hand dropping twice. But before it can fall again, Bryan counters into the LeBell Lock. Cena forces a rope break.
Cena flips Bryan inside out with the mother of all clotheslines. Back to their feet, both men began slugging it out before colliding after running off the ropes at each other.
The two got to their feet and began slugging it out with slaps. Cena managed to catch Bryan with an AA, only for Bryan to counter mid-air with a reverse DDT. Bryan went up top, but Cena caught him and tried the AA, only for Bryan to cradle him for two. Bryan stunned Cena with a kick, and hit a running knee smash that…gets the pin?! Bryan wins!
WINNER: Daniel Bryan (new WWE Champion)
And sure enough, heeeeere’s Randy.
-CASH IN MATCH FOR THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP: DANIEL BRYAN (c) VS. RANDY ORTON
And sure enough, Triple H pedigrees Bryan, and Orton successfully cashes in to win the title. I think my local Starbucks is on fire as we speak.
WINNER: Randy Orton (new WWE Champion)
And that’s a wrap here. All of the outrage and planned protests means you’ll all still be watching Raw tomorrow, I’m sure. Goodnight from here!