Welcome to this week’s Raw rankings. Going into Hell in a Cell,...
WWE SmackDown Results March 8 and Report
This week on WWE Friday Night SmackDown, Sheamus faces The Big Show in the main event.
The show opens with Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter making their way down to the ring. Love this gimmick or hate it, it has gotten Swagger over more than anything he’s ever done. Swagger welcomes us to his America, and he is our future World Heavyweight Champion. Now, show some respect for his friend and mentor, a real American and a “founding father”, Zeb Coulter. Zeb wants everyone to admit something to themselves, that being that we all share the same values as Jack and him. The same sense of patriotism in that we all think alike. We all can see what is wrong with our country, but you are too afraid to say or do anything about it. How many of you know someone who has lost a job because someone else has sneaked across the borders to take a job for a few pesos or a pat on the head? That’s why he and Jack have become our spokesmen. They will represent us when writing a new Bill of Rights for legal citizens. That’s why we the people have had enough. Swagger says enough is enough. He’s drawing a line in the sand and taking America back. Zeb says if we don’t agree, it’s because we’re the problem, and he and Jack are the solution.
Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez interrupt this diatribe, and ADR says they have it all wrong. He says he has the solution. His real America is all about…we get a video of ADR and Ricardo doing a parody of Zeb and Swagger and intentionally making them look stupid. I’m not going to recap the whole thing, but it’s actually pretty funny. Ricardo refers to Mexican food as a threat, and a plot against America. A delicious plot. Back to the arena, ADR just smiles as his music hits. Later tonight, he’ll face Dolph Ziggler one-on-one.
MATCH 1: Drew McIntyre and Heath Slater (w/Jinder Mahal) vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Team Hell No! (Daniel Bryan and Kane, non-title)
Drew attacks Kane at the opening. Kane misses a corner charge, and Drew lays in some clotheslines before running into a back elbow for 2. Drew tags in Slater, and he runs into a back elbow as well. Bryan tags in, and Kane whips him into Slater for a corner dropkick. Bryan lays in some No! Kicks and avoids a back suplex before taking Slater to the floor with a hurricanrana over the top rope. He misses the apron knee but lands on his feet. Drew tries to attack from behind, but Bryan sees him coming and sends him into the guardrail. He turns around to Slater and gets dropped before being rolled back into the ring. Drew tags in and beats Bryan down in the corner before tagging Slater back in. Slater hits some punches and tags in Drew. Bryan ducks a short-arm clothesline and snaps off a beautiful back suplex before tagging in Kane. Slater also tags in, and he’s hit with an uppercut, a kitchen sink and a seated dropkick. Corner clothesline hits, but Slater blocks a second one and goes to the middle rope, jumping off right into an uppercut for 2. Kane hits a sidewalk slam and calls for the chokeslam. Slater fires off some rights off a Mahal distraction and sends Kane into the ropes. Bryan makes a blind tag and there’s a bit of an argument. Slater rolls Bryan up in a schoolboy, but Bryan immediately counters into the No! Lock for the submission win.
WINNERS: Team Hell No!
We see a face-to-face between Mark Henry and Ryback as Ryback is headed towards the ring. They stare at each other for a moment before continuing on their separate ways.
Brad Maddox is joining Michael Cole and Josh Mathews for color commentary for some reason.
Damien Sandow is in the ring and he says that, tonight, he, the intellectual savior of the unwashed masses, will face a barbaric brute, the man that Darwin’s theory of evolution forgot. Silence! A man whom instead of choosing to feed his soul with literature and the arts is more than content than feeding his…Ryback music cuts Sandow off.
MATCH 2: Damien Sandow vs. Ryback
Lock-up starts the match, and Ryback backs Sandow into the corner for a shoulder thrust and a chop. He hip tosses Sandow out of the corner before hitting a spinning over-the-shoulder powerslam. Sandow rolls to the floor and crawls to the announce desk, and Ryback quickly throws him back in. Sandow rolls to the other side and hotshots Ryback on the apron before slapping him across the back of the head. Ryback chases Sandow back into the ring, where Sandow drops an elbow and hits a pair of clotheslines before stomping Ryback down. Sandow hits some crossface punches and some knee lifts before connecting with a running boot and a jumping kneedrop. A rear chinlock is applied now, and Ryback armdrags out of it. Sandow connects with some rights but runs into a pair of back elbows and a back body drop. Ryback hits a standing spinebuster and calls for the Meat Hook, which connects. Shell Shocked connects, and Ryback gets the 3.
We see some footage from RAW that occurred after the show went off the air. The Big Show was surrounded in the ring by The Shield, eventually getting speared by Roman Reigns and hit with the triple powerbomb. Striker is standing by in the locker room with Show. Show doesn’t know what his beef with The Shield is, other than they got knocked out when they got in his way, and he’ll do the same thing to anyone else who gets in his way. What happened on RAW, he blames Sheamus and Randy Orton. They’re responsible for the attack. His fist is his answer to all of them. Does he need anything else?
Before the next match starts, we get another video for Fandango, as if anyone outside of Johnny Curtis’ family gives a flying crap.
MATCH 3: World Champion Alberto Del Rio (w/Ricardo Rodriguez) vs. Dolph Ziggler (w/AJ and Big E. Langston)
Ziggler fires off some rights before ADR kicks him in the leg. Ziggler hits some gut shots in the corner, followed by an elbow to the back of the head. He sends ADR into the corner, where he connects with an avalanche. Ziggler chokes ADR over the bottom rope, and Langston gets in a cheap shot behind the ref’s back. Ricardo throws a towel at Langston, and Langston stalks him around the ring until AJ tells him to stop. Ricardo grabs his water bucket and goes to throw it at Langston, but he moves, resulting in AJ getting soaked. She then goes after Ricardo, but Langston stops her. She goes around him by climbing into the ring, then chases Ricardo around the ring until Langston intercepts her. The ref’s had enough, and he ejects both Langston and AJ. Commercials.
Back from the break, Ziggler drops an elbow and follows up with the Show-Off Elbow for 2. Ziggler applies a rear chinlock, but ADR fights out and gets in a sunset flip for 2. Ziggler pops back up and hits a dropkick for 2. We see Zeb and Swagger watching from the back as Ziggler hits a snapmare on ADR before applying a body scissors/chinlock combo. ADR fights out once more and sends Ziggler into the corner. Ziggler blocks a charge before getting pancaked. ADR hits a quick kick to the head and avoids a corner charge. Ziggler gets caught in the buckles, and ADR goes up and hits an inverted superplex. Man, I haven’t seen that since Phil LaFon at the ’96 Survivor Series. Both men are back up and trading blows until ADR hits a mule kick. He follows with a couple clotheslines and a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Out of the corner, ADR hits a thrust kick to the face for 2. He calls for the rolling jujigatame, but Ziggler intercepts him. ADR sends him to the corner, blocks a kick and hits some forearms to the kidneys. Ziggler fights him off from the apron, but ADR manages to catch him with the Backstabber as he’s coming back in for 2. ADR goes up top, but dives off right into a dropkick for 2. Ziggler misses the rocker dropper, and ADR hits the bridging German suplex for 2. He calls for the step-up enziguri, but Ziggler hits a mid-run tornado DDT for 2. He goes for the Zig Zag, but ADR holds onto the top rope. He goes for the rolling jujigatame, and Ziggler counters into a schoolboy for 2. He blocks a tilt-a-whirl, but ADR keeps spinning and locks in the jujigatame for the submission.
WINNER: Alberto Del Rio. Good match there, and a nice finish to boot.
We see Daniel Bryan and AJ in the back. Bryan calls her a Shetland pony. He says he didn’t see what happened out there, but since she left him at the altar, he is amused by her misfortune. AJ doesn’t care, because her boyfriend still has the MITB contract, and that means she will soon be the girlfriend of the World Champion, a champion who actually knows how to handle a woman like her. The only reason she’s not with him right now is because she was attacked at ringside. Unlike Bryan, she knows how to get along with her partner. Bryan says he has his way of handling issues with Kane, and when he won MITB, he didn’t just carry around briefcase; he WAS champion. AJ reminds him he lost the belt in 18 seconds, and Bryan says that, by dating Ziggler, she should be used to things that last 18 seconds. Bryan walks off as AJ begins seething.
MATCH 4: Yoshi Tatsu vs. Mark Henry
I had almost forgotten Tatsu still worked for WWE. Henry immediately knocks Tatsu down, then hits a jumping splash., back up, Tatsu tries some kicks, but Henry clubs him across the back. Pancake off the ropes by Henry, and the World’s Strongest Slam gets 3.
WINNER: Mark Henry.
Matt Striker is in the back with Sheamus, and Striker informs him The Big Show blames him for the attack by The Shield. Sheamus isn’t surprised. Show’s massive ego took a huge dent because of his first beating at the hands of The Shield. But as far as Show’s concerned, nothing’s ever his fault. If Show is at Universal Studios and fans call him, “Shrek”, that’s not his fault. Or when he plugs up the toilet, that’s not his fault. Or the fact that you can smell him from 10 miles away because he never changes his gear, that’s not his fault. But when Sheamus Brogue Kicks Show’s head off his shoulders later tonight, that won’t be his fault either; it’ll be Sheamus’.
MATCH 5: Tamina Snuka vs. WWE Divas Champion Kaitlyn (w/Layla, non-title)
Snuka kicks Kaitlyn in the gut and whips her down by the hair. Kaitlyn hits a back elbow out of the corner, then nails a clothesline. Back body drop by Kaitlyn, but she misses a clothesline and goes face-first into the ropes, and then rolls to the floor. That looked really bad. We see Cody Rhodes watching from the back. Snuka goes to the outside and knocks Layla into the barricade. Kaitlyn recovers and slides back into the ring. At the same time, Layla is doing the same, but the referee stops her from coming in. Tamina hits a shot to the face and connects with a Samoan drop for 3.
WINNER: Tamina Snuka. We see Rhodes still looking on, and he’s joined by Damien Sandow. Sandow says he can’t believe that in this god-forsaken city (Albany, NY) there’s not a restaurant within 100 miles worthy of their patronage. The good news is they can discuss strategy against the New-Age Outlaws this Monday. Rhodes asks what he thinks of Kaitlyn, and Sandow calls her a commendable in-ring performer. Rhodes wants to know what he thinks of her as a woman. Sandow says she’s made the most of what she can considering she comes from a genetically-deficient pool. Post-haste! Sandow leaves, and Rhodes continues to look at the monitor.
Another Fandango video. He comes out with his unnamed dance partner, apparently for a match with Justin Gabriel. However, Lilian Garcia mispronounces his name. He says no. That is unacceptable. He’ll make his debut when she learns how to pronounce his name correctly: FON-DONG-GO. Lilian does it again, mocking him in the process, and he says it’s still not good enough. Lilian does it one more time, and he’s still not happy. He asks if everyone here is incompetent. He will not compete tonight, and you can thank Jillian (what he calls Lilian) for missing out on the debut of Fandango.
We see Booker T and Teddy Long watching this in the back. Book tells Teddy to find this strutting flamingo and tell him the next time Book puts him in a match, he needs to wrestle. Book and Teddy argue for a moment about how to pronounce his name, and then Teddy leaves to find Fandango.
Am I the only who does not give a rat’s ass about The Undertaker’s return for what will be a total of one match this year? No. No, I can’t be the only one.
MATCH 6: Sheamus vs. The Big Show
Show starts the match with forearms to the back. Sheamus ducks a chop and fires off some strikes. Show shakes them off and nails a headbutt, but Sheamus fights back until Show clubs him across the back and connects with another headbutt. Show hits a body blow in the corner, but Sheamus fights back before getting hit with a spear off the ropes. Sheamus rolls to the floor, and Show follows. Show hits an open-hand chop against the apron before throwing Sheamus back in. Sheamus shoulders him on the way back into the ring before ramming him into the top turnbuckle and hitting the forearms in the ropes. Show drops down before Sheamus can hit all 10, pulls Sheamus to the floor and throws him into the barricade. Commercials.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Sheamus. Sheamus and Orton brawl with The Shield, but are getting dominated. Show gets back in the ring, so The Shield triple teams them. However, he fights them off, and Show, Sheamus & Orton clear the ring. Roman Reigns appears to have had his nose busted open. In the ring, Show knocks Sheamus out with the WMD, and Orton hits an RKO on Show.
End of show.
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