Tonight is a special live episode of SmackDown! and…it’s commercial-free. Wonderful.
We’re starting off the episode with another installment of MizTV. Miz might be the worst face in history. His guests shocked the world at TLC, doing more damage than Lindsay Lohan and a moving vehicle. They will explain their actions right now. Please welcome “Mr. MITB” Dolph Ziggler and AJ Lee. Ziggler and AJ head out, and they are accompanied by WWE’s newest signee, Big E. Langston. While Langston doesn’t impress me thus far, at least he’s in the role of a bodyguard, which doesn’t require much at this point. Also, I’m glad WWE made the right decision and kept the briefcase with Ziggler. Miz has one question: Why? AJ asks, “Really? Really?”
Cena doesn’t care about anyone but himself, but she cared about him, and she wanted to support him, and he blew her off (more footage, this time from last week). Supposedly, Cena was concerned about her safety, but he really wanted to keep her hidden, like a dirty little secret. Cena was supposed to be different than other guys like Daniel Bryan and CM Punk. She loved both of them, and they used her before throwing her away like trash. Cena was supposed to be better than that. John Cena broke her heart, and so she helped Dolph Ziggler break John Cena. Miz calls her “America’s sweetheart” before reminding her Ziggler called her trash several weeks ago, and he’s now aboard the crazy train.
Langston steps in front of Ziggler, so Miz changes his question from “Why?” to “Who?”. AJ officially introduces Langston. He’s a friend of hers, and he doesn’t like it when people call her crazy. Ziggler steps in and mockingly calls Miz hilarious before calling him clueless. AJ isn’t crazy; she’s passionate, and he learned that last night when Langston came into the ring and crushed Cena. He also learned it earlier in the night when she gave him the hottest kiss in the near 20-year history of RAW. Cena can win the Slammy for “Superstar of the Year”; Ziggler doesn’t need Slammys. At TLC, not only did he keep the briefcase, when it comes to Cena, it’s just like Ziggler’s t-shirt says: he stole the show…and his girlfriend. Miz hopes Ziggler can satisfy all her personalities. They deserve each other, and man, can Ziggler pick women. AJ’s been with a monster, a goat face, a gimp, Marky Mark, and now she’s settled for the 6th member of One Direction. On this note, Langston drops Miz with a standing avalanche. He then picks up Miz and hits him with the Big Ending (yes, that’s the move’s actual name). AJ tells Miz, “Show…Off”, and the trio exit the ring.
Booker T gets stopped in the back by Teddy Long. Long has a kid he wants Book to look at and possibly give an opportunity. Book asks who it is, and Brad Maddox walks up, introducing himself. Book pulls Teddy aside and says that’s the kid that screwed Ryback. Teddy says he saw what happened at the Slammys. Book calls him creepy, so Long brings up his YouTube show. Book doesn’t trust Maddox. Teddy thinks Maddox has talent and is hungry, looking for a contract. Book, of all people, should know that people deserves opportunities. Book says that, if Maddox wants a match tonight, he’s got it. Since he’s Teddy’s project, Maddox will find out his opponent when he’s in the ring tonight. Book leaves, so Teddy turns back to Maddox, and Maddox thanks him for the opportunity.
MATCH 1: Damien Sandow (w/Cody Rhodes) vs. Sin Cara (w/Rey Mysterio)
Mysterio gets his own music, but does not show up, leaving Cara and the announcers confused. Cara goes for a quick armbar, but Sandow shoves him off. Cara ducks a clothesline and hits some kicks. Cara misses a backflip, but lands on his feet as Sandow slides to the floor. Back in, Sandow boots Cara, but Cara comes back with some strikes. He hits a springboard dropkick and hits a corner kick out of a Flair Flip. He goes for a springboard, but Rhodes pulls him to the floor behind the ref’s back. Back in, Sandow gets 2. Sandow drops some elbows to the chest, and a suplex gets 2. Rear chinlock is applied, and he breaks it to hit the side-Russian legsweep. The Cubito Aequet misses, and Cara gets in a sunset flip for 2. Sandow pops up and knocks Cara back down, then drops some elbows. He drags Cara to the floor, where he drops an elbow across the apron. Back in the ring, Sandow drops another elbow for 2 before going back to the rear chinlock. Cara counters with a jawbreaker, breaking the hold. Sandow misses an avalanche, and Cara fires off some kicks, followed by a handspring back elbow. Running hurricanrana connects, and a springboard cross-body gets 2. Sandow rolls to the floor, where Rhodes meets him. Cara takes them both out with a suicide dive. Cara is in the ring celebrating when he spots all three members of The Shield heading down to the ring. Roman Reigns pulls a Rey Mysterio mask out of his pocket and tosses it in the ring and the three just stand there. Sandow quickly comes back in and hits the Terminus for the 3.
WINNER: Damien Sandow. After the match, The Shield hits the ring, and they triple team Cara. Reigns hits a big headbutt, and Seth Rollins comes off the top with a Bomb’s Away kneedrop across Cara’s right knee. As Cara is being attended to, The Shield leave back through the crowd.
MATCH 2: Santino Marella vs. Tensai
It’s amazing how truly disappointing Tensai has been since returning. Santino gets shouldered down quickly, and Tensai follows up with stomps. Santino starts power-walking across the ring off an Irish whip, then ducks a clothesline before going for a bodyslam. Tensai is too big, and he clubs Santino down. Tensai drops an elbow across the back, then throws him to the corner. Tensai hits some back chops to the side of the neck before screaming at Santino that he’s nothing. Santino comes back with a single-leg dropkick, but Tensai drops him with a throat thrust. Santino pops back up and hits some rights before doing the splits and going for the hip toss. Tensai blocks it, but Santino manages to duck a clothesline and hit a bodyslam. Saluting headbutt connects, and Santino calls for the Cobra. Tensai blocks it and applies a sleeper, but Santino keeps trying to hit the Cobra from this position. Tensai shoves him into the corner and goes for an avalanche, and Santino sidesteps him before nailing the Cobra. Tensai no-sells it and drops Santino with an uppercut. Tensai misses the running senton, and Santino covers him for the 3-count.
WINNER: Santino Marella.
We see Kofi Kingston and Team Hell No! watching a clip from last night. Kane tells Kofi to grow eyes in the back of his head tonight, because they all know The Shield is here, and what the group is capable of. Kofi says he feels what Kane is saying. He then tells Kane he wants payback on Wade Barrett in their match tonight. Bryan is looking angry, so Kofi asks him what’s wrong. Bryan is mad because he didn’t win a Slammy last night, unlike Kofi. Kane tells Bryan to let it go. He still got to hang out with Ric Flair. Bryan gets mad because Kofi says Flair has a better catchphrase than Bryan. Bryan begins screaming, “No!” at Kofi
MATCH 3: Wade Barrett and The Prime-Time Players (Titus O’Neil and Darren Young) vs. Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston and WWE Tag Team Champions Team Hell No! (Daniel Bryan and Kane)
Kofi and Titus start the match. Kofi ducks a clothesline and baseball slides to the floor in order to tackle Barrett who was standing near the announce desk. Titus pulls Kofi off by the hair and whips him to the floor. Back in, Young tags in, and Kofi hits a dropkick. Kofi makes the tag to Bryan, and Bryan fires off some No! Kicks. Bryan applies a surfboard stretch, and Kane tags in mid-hold. Kane clubs Young for 2. Kane stomps Young in the corner before tagging in Bryan. Kane sends Bryan into the corner with a running dropkick for 2. Bryan stomps Young down before firing off some more kicks. Young catches Bryan on a charge and hits him with a Stung Gun before tagging in Barrett, who stomps Bryan down. More strikes in the corner, and Barrett closes with a running boot for 2. Rear chinlock is applied, but Bryan fights out. Barrett clubs him and goes for a back suplex, but Bryan flips out and tags in Kofi. Kofi hits the springboard clothesline, followed by a chop, another chop and a dropkick. Kofi hits a jumping clothesline before connecting with the Boom Drop.
He calls for TIP, but Young causes a distraction, and Barrett takes the opportunity to clothesline Kofi to the floor. Titus whips Kofi into the barricade before throwing him back in the ring. Titus has apparently tagged in, and he goes for the cover, but is too close to the ropes. Titus applies a modified abdominal stretch, and the camera weirdly cuts away to the crowd, supposedly looking for The Shield. Young tags in and stomps Kofi in the midsection. Nice back suplex by Young gets 2. He applies a rear chinlock, but Kofi fights out. Young rebounds and whips him into the corner. Young applies a cravat, but Kofi breaks it. Young trips him before he can make a tag, and Barrett tags back in, hitting some hard rights. Short-arm clothesline by Barrett gets 2. Young back in and clubs Kofi down. Young props Kofi on the top, but Kofi punches him off and hits a leaping tornado DDT. Kane and Titus tag in, and Kane does the hot tag offense. Kane hits a corner clothesline and a sidewalk slam for 2. Up top for the flying clothesline, but Titus ducks and hits Clash of the Titus for 2. Bryan breaks up the pin, so Barrett launches him to the floor. Kofi springboards off the top, but Barrett ducks the clothesline and hits a mule kick before sending Kofi shoulder-first into the post. Kane drops Barrett with an uppercut, sending him to the floor. Titus floors Kane with a forearm and Young tags in. They go for a double shoulderblock, but Bryan manages to pull Titus to the floor. Young gets hit with the chokeslam by Kane, and this one’s over.
WINNERS: Kofi Kingston and Team Hell No!
Sheamus is in the back with John Cena, telling him a joke about priests. Cena doesn’t get the joke, but they need to focus on tonight. He calls Big E. Langston quite possibly the strongest guy in WWE. Sheamus likes that, because it’s his kind of fight. He asks Cena what’s going on with him and AJ. Cena whispers something to Sheamus, and Sheamus get a confused look on his face. Cena whispers some more, and Sheamus starts laughing. When Cena finishes the secret, he tells Sheamus he’s joking.
WWE Champion CM Punk and Paul Heyman head out to the ring. Punk is still on crutches from his surgery, and we are informed this is Punk’s 394th day as champion. Punk reminds us of this achievement, the longest WWE Championship reign in the modern era. While in 20 years, everyone will look fondly at CM Punk as the greatest superstar of all time, the idiots in the WWE Universe couldn’t vote him “Superstar of the Year”. They shamelessly turned the Slammys into a popularity contest by voting for John Cena. It’s clear to him that winning and losing don’t mean anything to the fans. These fans enroll their kids in the teeball that doesn’t keep score so the kids don’t realize they’re losers like their parents. The only thing the fans did with their vote last night is that both men and women shouldn’t be allowed to vote. He expects that sort of behavior from losers, and that’s the way of the world. There are winners like himself and Heyman, and losers like everyone else. Honestly, he expected it more from Cena. You can read his face like a book. He knows he’s not the superstar of the year and Punk is the better man, with the trophy belonging in the hand of the best in the world. What does he do? He doesn’t show respect, because he’s a hypocrite. He laid down and sucked up to a man who he looks at as a legend, and gave Punk’s Slammy to Ric Flair.
He wants the fan to respect the relics from the past who take the spotlight when they can from the wrong lions, from the ring generals, from the best in the world. He wants us to cheer these guys that come back to pay their alimony and child support. You know what’s more impressive than winning 16 world titles in a 95-year career? Winning a title once and not losing it in damn near 400 days. CM Punk is a winner, Ric Flair is a loser. Flair has lost more title fights than he’s won. Punk, when it comes to title fights, DOES NOT LOSE. Not to John Cena, not to the knuckle-draggin Ryback, who hurt him in the first place. Punk is a real man. He is the gold standard, and he’s set the bar so high he doesn’t think anyone else will reach. Anyone else, two weeks after having their knee torn apart by a Neanderthal, wouldn’t be here. They’d be at home, popping their pain pills and sucking their thumbs. No, he drug himself to this forgotten hellhole (Pittsburgh) to entertain us and do his job. No one else here can do it, since the women they call the Pittsburgh Penguins are on strike. CM Punk doesn’t go on strike. CM Punk doesn’t have an off-season. He has been carrying this company on his back. He is the man you tune into see every Monday and Tuesday, and he is the man people paid to see tonight. He’ll be back next year, and Heyman will still be holding the title over his head. No one will beat him for it. Not John Cena, not Ryback, not Ric Flair, not The Smoke, not “Ice Cold” Billy Austin (that’s just for you, Mr. Gargiulo).
Ryback’s music hits to interrupt Punk’s rant, and he marches to the ring. Heyman reminds Ryback that Punk isn’t medically cleared to compete. Ryback says that, according to doctors, he will be. Punk doesn’t know what Ryback is talking about. Ryback has his sights set on the first RAW of 2013, when he becomes WWE Champion. Catchphrase.
MATCH 4: Ryback vs. WWE United States Champion Antonio Cesaro (non-title)
Cesaro’s new ring jacket is sweet. I’m not joking. Cesaro starts with a headlock, but Ryback breaks free and shoulders him through the ropes, to the floor. Cesaro gets up on the apron, shoulders Ryback and goes for a slingshot sunset flip. He can’t pull Ryback over, however, and Ryback grabs him by the ears and repeatedly slams his head into the mat, calling him “stupid”. Cesaro kicks him in the knee, and hits a European uppercut. Ryback comes back with a Thesz Press and a jumping splash. He calls for the Meat Hook, but Cesaro rolls to the floor. Ryback follows him out and presses him, but Cesaro slides out and shoves Ryback into the steps. Ryback makes it back into the ring by 9, so Cesaro goes for the pin, getting 1. Cesaro locks in a cobra clutch variation, but Ryback throws him off. He misses a shoulderblock in the corner, and Cesaro hits a spinning European uppercut from the middle rope for 2. Cesaro goes for another cover for another 2. He locks in a cravat, but Ryback punches out. He no-sells a kick, so Cesaro unloads on him with punches and uppercuts. Ryback rebounds off a corner whip with a standing avalanche, then hits a high back body drop. He calls for the Meat Hook again, and it connects. Cesaro is hit with Shell Shocked, and Ryback gets the 3.
WINNER: Ryback. Both guys looked good here. Mark my words, Cesaro will be a major player in the next year.
We see Kaitlyn walking around in the back. AJ approaches her and wishes her good luck. Kaitlyn gives her a dirty look and keeps walking, so AJ stops her and asks her about the look. Kaitlyn says AJ does this over and over again, and it makes it hard to be her friend. AJ starts to laugh-cry, then immediately turns it off and stares angrily at Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn says she has a title match, and AJ needs help. AJ accuses her of choosing a title match over her friend. Kaitlyn says no, she’s choosing a title match over the lunatic standing next to her. AJ decks her and rams her head into a 7-Up machine. Kaitlyn slams her on a table, and a catfight ensues for a brief moment before officials break it up as AJ is screaming.
MATCH 5-WWE Divas Championship: Eve Torres (Champion) vs. Kaitlyn
Lilian Garcia mispronounced both “Denver” and “Colorado”. How do you do that? The words are sound exactly as their spellings would indicate. Eve clotheslines Kaitlyn and slams her head into the mat repeatedly. Eve does her stupid crane kick, then actually botches a basic clothesline for 2. Eve steps on her face, then botches the holy hell out of the flipping senton for 2. Eve boots Kaitlyn to the floor, then slams her face into the apron before rolling her back into the ring for 2. Eve applies a rear chinlock, then turns it into a cross-face chicken wing. Of course, it’s not applied very well. Kaitlyn punches her way out, but runs into a complete shot for 2. Eve goes back to the hold, but Kaitlyn manages to roll her off. Kaitlyn gets Eve in a small package for 2, and Eve whips her into the corner. Kaitlyn blocks a charge with a boot, and gets a sunset flip in from the middle rope for 2. Kaitlyn hits a bodyslam, then a shoulderblock off the ropes for 2. She hits an inverted DDT for another 2. Kaitlyn goes for the gutbuster, but Eve grabs the ropes and pulls herself to the apron. Kaitlyn dropkicks her feet from underneath her, sending Eve to the floor. Kaitlyn follows outside, hitting a Thesz Press from the apron. She slams Eve’s head into the announce desk and rolls her back in the ring. Kaitlyn goes up top, but Eve grabs the ref’s leg and trips him, resulting in a DQ.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Kaitlyn, meaning Eve keeps the title. Not sure why Eve retained here. Does anyone give a cat’s ass about her anymore?
AJ is in the back with Ziggler and Langston, upset about Kaitlyn. Ziggler says Kaitlyn is just jealous, because AJ is with a future World Champion. Big Show walks up and says his future will be in a body cast if he repeats tonight what he did last night. Ziggler tries to smooth things over by talking about their tag match later tonight, but Show tells him to cut the crap. He knows Ziggler doesn’t trust him, and he doesn’t trust Ziggler. But, trust Show-if he gets the slightest inkling Ziggler is trying to cash in tonight, Show will knock him so far into the future, by the time he wakes up, his championship contract will have expired.
Brad Maddox makes his way onto the stage, repeatedly chanting his own name. No one in this arena or watching at home will ever forget the name Brad Maddox after tonight, because he is going to win his match and claim his contract, becoming a WWE superstar in the process.
MATCH 6-If Brad Maddox wins, he gets a WWE contract: Brad Maddox vs. Brodus Clay (w/The Funkadactyls: Cameron and Naomi)
Much like Tensai, what has become of Clay’s career is truly disappointing. Maddox tries a cheapshot, so Clay just laughs and bodyslams him. He traps Maddox by the arms and begins headbutting him in the back, then hits a modified exploder suplex. Clay drops an elbow, and we see Booker T & Teddy Long watching from Book’s office. Maddox rolls to the apron, where he hotshots Clay across the middle rope. Back in, Maddox goes for a pin, getting 1. He applies a rear chinlock, then drops some elbows. Clay pops right back up and clotheslines him. Avalanche by Clay, followed by an exploder suplex. He hits a charging headbutt to the chest, and Ah, Funk It! is enough to get the 3.
WINNER: Brodus Clay. As Clay begins to celebrate, the members of The Shield attack him from behind. They beat him down before hitting him with the triple powerbomb. Reigns is a friggin’ beast.
MATCH 7: Dolph Ziggler and World Champion The Big Show (w/AJ Lee and Big E. Langston) vs. Sheamus and John Cena
We see footage from Langston’s debut this past Monday night, and man, does his finisher suck. Cena and Ziggler start the match, and Cena knocks Ziggler down with a punch. Ziggler immediately tags in Show, and Cena attacks him before he steps all the way into the ring. Show knocks him down with a shove, then props him in the corner for an open-hand chop. Cena ducks and hits a dropkick, sending Show into the corner. Show quickly rebounds, dropping Cena with a spear. Show hits a body blow before stepping across his stomach. Cena gets up, and Show drops him with a headbutt. Ziggler tags in and hits some elbow drops before landing the Show-Off Elbow for 2. Neckbreaker connects, and now Ziggler has a rear chinlock applied. Cena fights out and hits a back body drop off the ropes. Show tags in and drops an elbow on Cena before he can make the tag. Show whips Cena into the corner before hitting a hip bump, knocking him down. Ziggler back in, and he misses a corner dive. Sheamus tags in, and he rams Ziggler into the corner with a shoulder thrust before connecting with a knee lift, sending Ziggler to the apron, where Sheamus ties him up for the forearm shots. Sheamus connects with 10 shots before going for the rolling fireman’s carry. He drops Ziggler in order to forearm Show, who was beginning to enter the ring. He knocks Show to the floor, and turns back to Ziggler to apply the Irish Clover Leaf. Ziggler kicks him off, through the ropes and to the floor. Show clubs Sheamus from behind. Ziggler tags Show, who drops to the floor in order to roll Sheamus back in the ring. Show hits an open-hand chop to the chest, then fires off some body blows in the corner.
WINNERS VIA DISQUALIFICATION: John Cena and Sheamus. Langston picks Cena up after the bell rings, hitting the Big Ending for the second time tonight. God, that move sucks. And such a horrible name, too. Langston stands over Cena as AJ and Ziggler make out over Cena’s head. AJ then skips around the ring.
End of show.
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