This week’s Impact opens up with Dixie Carter, wearing a turtle neck from hell. Looks like the Linda McMahon Collection. She says she’s not going to waste one more ounce of her precious breath talking about AJ Styles. In her hand, she has his one-night-only contract, and she wants him to come out here to sign it so she can put this nightmare behind her forever.
AJ makes his way out, already in his gear. Looks like he might be carrying a new belt. Dixie tells him not to say a word. She wants him to sign the contract right now. AJ and his lawyers pored over the contract all week, but the fans don’t know what the contract entails. She reminds AJ the contract is for one match only, him vs. Magnus tonight, winner take all for the Undisputed World Championship. She is giving both of them a lot in this contract, so she wants one thing in return: tonight, this match will be No-DQ. Why? Because she will never rest until she’ll never have to look at his face again. But when she conjures up that beautiful moment of their last time together, she wants him bloody, bruised, and carried out on a stretcher from her ring. One night, one match. Sign the contract. AJ mocks Dixie, then says she has a lot of confidence in her paper champion. Then again, she had a lot of confidence in her other champion (Bully Ray), bet against AJ, and both Dixie and Ray lost at Bound For Glory. He guesses the Carters never learn. She doesn’t know what she’s saying. In this match, the winner takes all. No more tournaments. No more stupid Dixie Land Matches. One man, one championship forever. That means when he beats Magnus tonight, he’ll be the Undisputed World Champion. He demands the contract then says that, in regards to tonight’s match, if Dixie thinks her cronies are going to run down to the ring and help out Magnus, he needs to make himself clear: there are boys in the back that hate Dixie as much as AJ does, and they will have no problem coming down to the ring and making things even. Dixie claims she gave AJ everything. Did the boys in the back sign his paychecks? Did they put food on the table for his little wife and “mini-me” redneck son? No, she did all that. She says the boys in the back won’t come down to help him because she owns them. She made AJ, and in the end, she can’t wait to break him. AJ wants to know how. The same way she broke Jeff Hardy? Dixie doesn’t get wrestling. This is about two men wanting to see who is the best in a wrestling match. That’s what wrestling is about, and she keeps screwing it up. As for the title, it’s never gotten more respect than when AJ took it from her company, and if her paper champion could take his head from under her skirt, he’d see that, too.
We see Dixie in the back with Gail Kim and Lei’D Tapa. Kim says she understands the importance of tonight, and Tapa needs to make sure Kim understands everything. Dixie leaves, and Kim asks Tapa if she knows what she needs to do. Tapa nods.
MATCH 1: Joseph Park and Eric Young vs. World Tag Team Champions the Bromans (w/Zema Ion; non-title)
Before Park and EY’s opponents come out, we see Dixie in the back with the Bromans. She asks if they understand why tonight is so important. Jesse nods, and Robbie E says that this might be too much, even for them. E then changes his mind and says they’re good. After the Bromans come out, E and EY start the match. EY peppers E with rights, does the Flair Flip, slides back into the ring, ducks a clothesline and hits a flying forearm. Jesse comes in, and he gets hit with a belly-to-belly. Park tags in, and he hits a bodyslam off the ropes. As EY is going to the top rope, we see Tapa and Kim attacking ODB in the back. EY bails on the match, and now Park is getting double-teamed by the champs. E nails Park in the corner before choking him. Park slumps to the floor, and E hits him with a forearm drive from the middle rope for 2. E pounds Park in the head and tags in Jesse. Jesse nails a few forearms to the head and hits a kneelift in the corner. He follows up with another one and tags in E. The two double corner whip Park, and E sends Jesse into Park. Park blocks him with a back elbow, then nails E with a clothesline. E receives a bodyslam, as does Jesse. E nails Park with a kneelift and goes for a cross-body, but bounces off Park. He recovers and hits a chopblock, and Jesse holds Park up for the Bro-Down (a weak version of the Hart Attack), which connects for 3.
WINNERS: The Bromans. After the match, the Bromans tear a piece of guardrail off and begin hauling it back to the ring. Jesse holds Park up for another Bro-Down, this time on the guardrail.
Dixie is in her office when Samoa Joe enters. He says he came here to make sure Dixie understands something. AJ told her he had a locker room full of buddies who would watch his back, and Joe needs her to understand what that means. Dixie asks if he’s making threats. He says he doesn’t threaten ladies. This is him telling her that if she goes out to screw over AJ, she’ll have to go through him. She tells Joe she made him and can break him, even if that means going through him. Joe needs to focus, as he has a match tonight, against her nephew, and he needs to focus on getting out of the match in one piece. Joe tells her EC3’s blood is on her hands, not Joe’s.
During the break doctors and trainers checked on Joseph Park, who may have been concussed.
We see EY carrying ODB in his arms in the back when he’s stopped by Sting. He tells Sting she’s unconscious and he needs to get her to a hospital right away.
James Storm is in the ring, and he’s out here to discuss some words that have been said with him and his partner, Gunner. He asks Gunner to come out to address these problems, and Gunner obliges. Storm says he’s had the opportunity to be part of some of the greatest tag teams in pro wrestling history, and there’s something he learned. To form a great team, you need to check your ego and attitude at the door. He’s got an ego, but if that means he gets to come down here, speak his mind and have the fans chant for him, then he admits to having the biggest ego of all. He’s also learned something that tears teams apart, and that’s the World title. It happened with AMW, Beer Money, and now Gunner’s letting it happen with that case. Gunner says he did walk over Storm to get the case. He seized an opportunity he deserved. They both went into that match knowing it was every man for himself, and in the end, Gunner beat him. Then, last week, Storm hit him with the Last Call because Kurt Angle chose him as a partner. Storm can keep his ego, because Gunner has the case. Storm says he wants to settle this. They both like to fight and don’t like referees. One more match. Let’s hang the case back up, because he doesn’t think Gunner can do it again. Storm offers a handshake, and Gunner sets the case down before accepting.
In the back, EC3 nails Samoa Joe from behind.
After some commercials, we see EC3 and Joe brawling on the stage. Joe fights back with snap jabs and a headbutt before taking EC3 down to the ring and rolling him in. The bell rings, so we have an official match now.
MATCH 2: Samoa Joe vs. Ethan Carter III
EC3 attacks Joe as he crawls into the ring, then slams him face-first into the mat several times. He locks in a cravat, but Joe gets back to his feet, elbows his way out, hits a rolling elbow, an inverted atomic drop, a running boot and a running senton. Joe snaps off some jabs in the corner, followed by a big chop. EC3 gets corner-whipped, hit with a running hip bump and a jumping spin kick. EC3 comes back with a dropkick to the knee, then snaps Joe’s leg thrice. EC3 goes up top, but Joe quickly crotches him. Joe hits a chop and calls for the Muscle Buster. As he goes for it, Rockstar Spud runs down and grabs Joe’s foot. Joe drops EC3, then heads out after Spud. EC3 nails Joe from behind, and that’s when the bell rings.
WINNER: No contest. EC3 now has a monkey wrench in his hand, and he nails Joe in the knee with it. Joe tries to get up, but his knee buckles on him as EC3 and Spud taunt him from the stage.
JB is standing by with Kurt Angle. He asks about Angle’s open challenge tonight. Angle is preparing for his Cage Match with Bobby Roode at Genesis, and what better way to do that than with a Cage Match tonight? As for the carnage here tonight, anyone who gets in the ring with him tonight will be seen as Bobby Roode.
Samoa Joe is in the back, being checked out by a trainer. The trainer says there could be serious damage to the knee, and Joe needs to get to a hospital. Joe is insisting he’s okay, but the trainer’s having none of it.
We see both James Storm and Gunner laid out in the back. Sting enters and asks the medics if they’re out. One medic says they’re not responding. Sting turns around and heads out the back door. Dixie is conveniently walking around outside. Sting gets in her face and asks if tonight is going to be nothing but a bunch of cheap hits. He lists off everyone that’s been injured. All of AJ’s friends have been laid out in one night. Dixie says wrestling is a dangerous sport and a business. Sting says she’s taking things too far. It’s not too late, and she can stop this. She says she’ll stop this when AJ is carted out of here. Sting asks what happened to her. She says she’s the boss. She is Sting’s boss, and he’s a wrestler. He needs to focus on his match, and let her worry about the casualties. A match may not stop Sting, but something else might. She’s had enough of this conversation and orders him to get out of her face.
Kurt Angle comes out for his open challenge. Bobby Roode appears to answer it, dressed in his gear, mic in-hand. He tells Angle that, in seven days, he will be locked inside the cage with Angle. In one week, Roode will prove to the entire world that he is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, better than Angle. And when he wins next week at Genesis, Angle’s HOF induction will be gone forever. As for tonight, Angle has an open challenge. As Angle said earlier, he’ll only see Roode, regardless of his opponent. Well, take a good, long, hard look, because here he is. Angle wants him in the cage tonight? Well, you know what? That would be just plain stupid. Angle will have to wait until next week. But Roode did find someone who hates Angle as much as him. In fact, he found two guys who hate Angle as much as Roode. So, without further ado, Angle’s opponents tonight are…Bad Influence.
MATCH 3-2-on-1 Handicap Cage Match: Kurt Angle vs. Bad Influence (Christopher Daniels and Kazarian)
Daniels tries to go through the door as Kaz climbs the wall. Angle beats Daniels down as he comes in, then catches Kaz at the top of the cage. Daniels yanks Angle down by the arm, causing him to crotch himself on the top rope. He throws Angle head-first into the cage, then hold him up for a double axe handle from the top by Kaz. Daniels covers Angle, getting 2. Kaz chokes Angle with his shirt, then BI pick him up and both men ram Angle back-first into the cage wall. Daniels goes for a cover again, getting a 1-count. Kaz nails a right to the head. Angle recovers and goes for the ankle lock on Daniels, but Kaz nails Angle in the back to break it. Daniels throws him face-first into the top rope. Kaz whips him into the corner, Daniels nails a forearm, and Kaz hits a spinning heel kick for 2. Angle comes back with rights, then hits a back body drop on Kaz before rolling up Daniels. However, Kaz distracts the ref, so Angle only gets 2. As he gets back up, Kaz nails him with a clothesline. Angle is backed into the corner, where BI double foot-choke him. Daniels hits a bodyslam, and Kaz follows up with a springboard legdrop for 2. Daniels hits an elbow to the back of the head before Angle ducks a high-low. He hits both with clotheslines and a forearm for Daniels. Kaz runs into an overhead belly-to-belly, and Daniels is hit with a Murder-Suicide. He breaks the move on the 3rd leg to avoid a Kaz clothesline, then hits Kaz with the move. On the third one, Daniels breaks the move by pulling on Kaz, then gets hit with an overhead belly-to-belly. Kaz gets hit with a release German suplex, and now Angle looks for the Angle Slam on Daniels. Kaz nails Angle from behind, and the two corner-whip Angle across the ring. Angle sends Daniels face-first into the cage as Kaz whips him into Angle, then runs into Kaz’s boot on the other side of the ring. Kaz tries to climb out via the corner, but Angle cuts him off and hits a release German superplex, with Kaz landing right on top of Daniels in the process. Daniels is sent shoulder-first into the cage, and Kaz gets hit with the Angle Slam for 3.
WINNER: Kurt Angle. Seriously, does every single Kurt Angle match have to be an overbooked mess?
We see Dixie in the back on her phone, telling the person on the other end to leave the cage up. Bobby Roode enters the office and Dixie asks him if he’s ready for his Cage Match tonight. Roode says it’s not necessary for him to do that tonight. Dixie says the match won’t be against Angle tonight; it’ll be against Sting. Roode throws a fit, and Dixie says she needs him to be a team player tonight, now more than ever. He needs to take care of business tonight, and Dixie will take care of him in return.
We see Kurt Angle in the back, taking pictures with some fans. Al Snow drives up and says he has to take Angle to the airport right away. He’s got clothes for Angle in the car, and will explain what’s going on the way. Angle gets in, and they drive off.
MATCH 4-Cage Match: Bobby Roode vs. Sting
The two lock up, and Sting backs Roode into the corner before giving a clean break. They go at it again, and Roode applies a side headlock before shouldering Sting down. Sting comes back with a hiptoss before receiving a couple of boots. He blocks a throw into the cage wall, and Roode does the same. Sting blocks a punch and hits a few of his own. He goes for the Stinger Splash, but Roode blocks it with a pair of boots. Roode stomps Sting down, then picks him up for a right hand. He boots Sting in the corner and hits a running back elbow off the ropes for 2. Roode connects with a suplex for another 2, then mounts Sting for some punches to the head. Roode begins to open the cage door, but Sting pulls him back into the cage by the foot. Roode throws Sting into the corner, then chops him before hitting a gut shot. He throws Sting to the adjacent corner, then whips him across the ring, hitting a back elbow in the corner. Sting comes back with one of his own, followed by a boot. Roode recovers and hits a spinebuster for 2. Roode looks to escape via the corner, but Sting gets back to his feet and manages to pull Roode back in by the foot. Roode elbows him off and begins to climb again, but Sting is once again on him. Sting hits a couple gut shots before press-slamming Roode from the corner. He hits a couple of clotheslines, then sends Roode face-first into the cage wall. Sting does it again, then once more for good measure. He hits the Stinger Splash, followed by another. Sting kicks Roode in the back of the leg and goes for the scorpion deathlock. Roode breaks it with an eye-rake and goes for the DVD. Sting escapes, right into the Scorpion Death Drop. He goes for the deathlock once more, this time locking it in. EC3 and Rockstar Spud run down, and EC3 begins climbing the cage as the referee tries to get him down. Spud throws Roode a telescopic nightstick, and Roode nails Sting in the gut before hitting him across the back. Roode heads through the ropes, opens the door and walks down the steps.
WINNER VIA ESCAPE: Bobby Roode.
We see some footage from earlier today, featuring Mr. Anderson. He says that, if Bully Ray wants to lay this to rest, he’s happy to oblige. He then enters a place called Dobbs Funeral Home.
After some commercials, Anderson is in the funeral home as organ music is playing. He sees Ray sitting in a pew in the back. Ray asked for this, and he got it. Anderson wants to finish this. Ray says that Anderson knew he was sitting there because they were brothers. They knew everything about each other. If Ray wanted to finish it, he would have done so last week. Ray flicks a lighter as the dramatic music starts again (I hate this crap). Ray says that, last week, finishing Anderson would have been entirely too forgiving of him, and if Anderson gets any closer, he might see what Ray has in his other hand. It might smell familiar. They say forgiveness is the greatest strength. Forgive him for being so weak. Anderson took everything from him. He doesn’t think Anderson can fully comprehend and fathom just how much damage he has done to Ray. He wants his loneliness to encompass Anderson’s life. Next week is Genesis, and Genesis is the beginning. Weird how for Anderson, it will be the end. He raped the colors off Ray’s back (for f*ck’s sake, what is Ray’s new obsession with the word “rape”?) and put them in that coffin. He tells Anderson to go open the coffin and see what Ray put in there for him. Anderson looks in the coffin and pulls out a pair of…towels? Whatever. I don’t care anymore. Anyway, he turns around and Ray is gone.
Back in Dixie’s office, Sting storms in and says nothing will stop him from being by AJ’s side tonight. Dixie asks if he knows what time of year it is. It’s not the holiday season; it’s contract season. And isn’t it about the same time every year that she just goes to renew his contract so fast before sweetening it just a bit? Sting says Dixie disgusts him, and she says he really doesn’t feel that way. They’ve always been close, and everyone knows that. If the shoe was on the other foot, would AJ give up everything for Sting? She doesn’t think so. Sting has a very, very, very important decision to make, and he needs to make the right one. She now has to leave and go do some cocaine. I mean powder her nose. Actually, it’s probably a bit of both.
MATCH 5-No Disqualification Match for the Undisputed World Championship: AJ Styles (Champion) vs. Magnus (Champion)
Magnus really needs new music. Magnus immediately drops to the floor. After a moment, he gets back in, only to escape once more. Magnus is pretending to have tweaked his knee, and Taz compliments him on his physique only to insult him and say his physique more or less causes him to be injury-prone. Seriously, f*ck Taz. His commentary gets worse with every single broadcast. Magnus hops back into the ring after a moment, still selling the “injury”. Rockstar Spud and EC3 hit the ring and attack AJ from behind. Spud throws AJ to the corner, and EC3 kicks him. AJ fights back, taking both men out. He hits Magnus with a mule kick and goes for the Clash, but EC3 is back in, and he drops AJ with a clothesline. He and Spud continue attacking AJ as Magnus is taking a breather on the outside. Spud pounds on AJ’s head until Sting runs down to the ring. He fights both men off before sending EC3 flying. Magnus is back in the ring, and AJ knocks him to the floor with some kicks. Magnus regroups with EC3 and Spud. Commercials.
WINNER AND UNDISPUTED CHAMPION: Magnus. After the match, Dixie, EC3 and Rockstar Spud celebrate with Magnus.
End of show.
What a f*cking joke of a main event. I apologize for my language, but man, does this crap get old and tired fast. Not only was it just the worst kind of overbooked mess you can find, but absolutely no one came out of it looking strong, including the winner. We nearly had a closing shot of Dixie holding one of the belts, saved only a second later by Magnus holding up the other belt. I really wish I was making that up.
Dustin Nichols is a freelance writer, and you can keep track of all of his work on his Facebook page, which can be found at www.facebook.com/DustinNicholsWriter. Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out his mom’s official site by clicking the banner below: