This week’s TNA Impact Wrestling features another installment of Open Fight Night. As you can probably tell, I’m beside myself with glee. We’re also in the United Kingdom, so at least there’s that.
Mr. Anderson vs. Kurt Angle in a steel cage is on-tap, and Dixie Carter’s major surprise announcement that TNA will go on the road permanently from here on out. Oops.
[adinserter name=”366 left”]Bad Influence make their way out, and they’re both dressed like Sir William Wallace. Kaz says they’re here for the UK’s viewing pleasure. As you can see, it once again “Throwback Thursday”, and they’re going all the way back to the 13th century. Tonight, they pay homage to the real true warriors of the UK, the Scots (they’re in Manchester right now, in case you were wondering). All of you “piss artists” and “turd burglars” need to look at this man, Christopher Daniels. I’m not listing off all of Kaz’s dumbass catchphrases that he just spewed. Daniels says he hears everyone booing. He knows they’re disappointed Jeff Hardy is still champion. They’re disappointed, too. He makes some cracks about getting poisoned by Jeff Hardy’s facepaint. He then calls the crowd tossers, because gay jokes are apparently funny. He will get another shot at the title somewhere down the road, and when he does, he’ll bring the title back to this rotten country. Everyone knows there’s nothing easier than beating the English. Until that day, he now gives the crowd permission to worship them.
Magnus’ music hits, and the hometown boy gets a nice response. Good to see him back, as I think he’s very underrated. He has his own theory on Daniels not being champion: it might be because Hardy beat him like he owes Hardy money. It might be because Daniels is a grown man who uses words like “shabbledab” and “appletini”. Or, it might be because Bad Influence are a couple of disrespectful muppets who are in need of a good slap. If they feel like being William Wallace for a night, though, and feel like fighting an Englishman, Magnus is one. They can fight him. Daniels responds by shoving Magnus, so Magnus decks both of them. Bad Influence begin double-teaming him until Magnus backdrops Kaz over the top rope and boots Daniels. He clotheslines Daniels over the top to the floor before saying it’s an honor and privilege for everyone in the company to do what they do for the fans that pay to see them do it. That privilege was taken from him by Aces and Eights, led by a man he’s calling out, since it’s OFN. Devon, get out here and face him one-on-one. Now.
MATCH 1: Magnus vs. World Television Champion Devon
Devon isn’t wearing the title belt, which just shows you how little it means. Magnus drops Devon with a clothesline before throwing him to the floor. Magnus heads out and throws him into the guardrail. He does this a few more times before throwing Devon back in the ring. Devon kicks the ropes as Magnus comes back in, then connects with a clothesline. Choke over the middle rope by Devon, followed by punches in the corner. Magnus fires back with rights, so Devon rakes the eyes. Legdrop by Devon as he mocks Hulk Hogan. More rights by Magnus until Devon drops him with a flying shoulderblock. Devon applies a trapezius claw until Magnus fights back. Devon lands a clothesline off the ropes, then hits a bodyslam. From the middle, Devon misses the headbutt. Magnus with a pair of clotheslines and a running knee. Misdirection clothesline by Magnus, and he connects with a Michinoku Driver #2. Before he can get the pin, Mike Knox and DOC run interference.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Magnus. Magnus manages to fight them all off, sending them back through the crowd.
Up next, Joseph Park makes an OFN challenge.
We see Buddy Ray, Sting and Brooke Hogan in the back. Ray hasn’t been able to get a hold of Hulk Hogan. Sting says Hogan sent him a message that just said, “I’ll be there.”
Joseph Park is already in the ring, and he sucks up to the UK fans. To the point. It’s been a stressful week of deliberations. He’s watched hours of video and made notes, but it’s still a tough decision. Before he can finish, The Robbies interrupt. Wait just a second, bro. This is a joke, right? This is a joke, right, bro? Park says he didn’t pick either of these guys. E says Park isn’t a wrestler, bro. In fact, he’s just a hamster like everyone else in the UK. E pokes him in the chest while repeating himself, but before he finishes, he points at T, who is staring a hole through him. He says that, since T lives in the US, he’s basically American now anyway, so he doesn’t count. E grabs Park’s notebook and spits on it before challenging Park to a fight, bro. Come on, bro! Fight him, hamster!
MATCH 2: Joseph Park vs. Robbie E (w/Robbie T)
Park ducks a clothesline. E goes for a cross-body, but bounces off. E drops him with a gut shot, then beats him down. Back up, Park hits a hip toss and an armdrag. Bodyslam by Park, but he misses a splash. E kicks him a few times, then punches him in the head. E hits a flying clothesline from the middle rope, and an elbow from the middle for 2. E misses a hanging clothesline. Park knocks him down a few times, but misses an avalanche. He rebounds and hits a belly-to-belly suplex. Park goes to the middle rope and hits a splash for the 3.
WINNER: Joseph Park.
We see Hulk Hogan enter the building.
Austin Aries and Bobby Roode are in the ring. Everyone is excited to be in the presence of greatness and dominance. Aries says that, in a company where men steal money, the two most valuable men continue to be robbed. That’s all going to change, though, as they are ushering in a new era. He and Roode are getting on the same page, and what they are going to do is collect all the gold, one-by-one. They’ll start with the KO title, the TV title and the World title. Now, they’re going to start with the easiest titles to capture, that being the World Tag Team titles. Roode says they view Chavo and Hernandez like everyone else-nothing but a bunch of wankers.
Chavo and Hernandez make their way out. Chavo doesn’t like the “easiest championships” comment. To earn a title match against the champions, you have to be a tag team, and Aries/Roode aren’t one. Aries takes offense to that, and says Roode beat Hernandez fair and square. Chavo says that, since it’s OFN, why don’t they fight? Aries agrees and says that, if one of them beats one of the champs, they get a title match. Aries volunteers for the match, as does Chavo.
MATCH 3: Austin Aries (w/Bobby Roode) vs. World Tag Team Co-Champion Chavo Guerrero (w/Hernandez)
Chavo hits a forearm and a back suplex. Aries comes back with a Stun Gun. Chavo blocks a tope con hilo, hotshots Aries, and hits a hilo of his own. Chavo stomps Aries in the corner as we go to commercials.
We’re back, and Aries rolls to the floor off an Irish whip. Chavo connects with a plancha to the floor on Roode, and Aries takes him out with a suicide dive. Back in, Aries drops some elbows for 1. In the corner, Aries hits some chops, then chokes Chavo with his foot. Snapmare, followed by a spinning European uppercut from the middle for 2. Aries hits some body blows in the corner, and Chavo fights back before running into a kitchen sink. Buzzsaw gets 2 for Aries. Aries boxes the ears before hitting a hip throw into a side headlock. Aries thumbs him in the throat before connecting with a back body drop for 1. Up top, Aries mocks Chavo before missing a frog splash. Chavo fights back and hits a dropkick. Strikes in the corner, followed by a back body drop. Chavo goes for the 3 Amigos, but Aries escapes. He turns around into a rolling kick for 2. Chavo connects on the second try and goes up for the frog splash. Chavo connects, but Roode slides into the ring before the ref can count. He leaves as Hernandez also enters the ring, and with the distraction, Aries hits a running corner dropkick and the brainbuster for 3.
WINNER: Austin Aries.
Brooke Hogan runs into Buddy Ray to tell him that Hogan is here tonight. They are apparently headed to the ring now.
We see Kurt Angle with Samoa Joe and the Wonder Twins. Joe tells Angle he has what he wants tonight, and he guarantees things won’t happen in the cage the same way they did last time. The Wonder Twins pipe up, and Joe tells them no one needs them. Quit riding his jock. Foreshadowing. Dun-dun-dun…
Buddy Ray and Brooke Hogan make their way out. Hard to believe the guy is suspended when he keeps showing up every week. Just saying. Taz is blabbing about his ironclad contract that no one gives a damn about. Ray says that it’s been a rough couple of weeks for him and his husband. He loves Brooke very much, and it’s his love that got him suspended by Brooke’s dad. Hulk, Ray is family now, and the two of them have a common enemy. That enemy is Aces and Eights. He needs Hogan to lift the suspension. No one has been able to get him to do it. However, there’s one man that can, and that’s Sting, apparently. Sting enters the arena, and he’s back in the Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band jacket. I hope he enjoys his show. At least he’s painting his face like normal. He has news for Ray. He doesn’t have the stroke to pull Hogan out (?), but the people do. He calls for a “Hogan” chant, because Hogan’s ego hasn’t been stroked enough over the last two centuries. Hogan makes his way out, petting his chin. Sting says they have a warzone going on. They’re back together in the UK, so he can’t figure out a better place to make things right with Buddy Ray, right now. Hogan’s turn. Well you know something, Stingmun? There’s a war going on here in TNA. Why don’t you tell him something he doesn’t know, brother? At the end of the day, whether they’ve been friend or foe, he always does the right thing. As far as this woman goes, the day of her wedding, she was still his little girl, brother, and he did the right thing when he walked her down the aisle. As far as his family goes, he always does the right thing, brother. At the end of the day, he always does the right thing, and that’s why Buddy Ray is reinstated, brother, brother, brother, brother, jack, dude, jack, maniacs, mun, brother, brother. What makes him crazy is when business and family get confused. He’s taking care of that next week when he makes a match between two A and E guys vs. Sting and Buddy Ray. To make sure he takes care of all the business, next week, the tag match will be a Tables Match, brother.
Velvet Sky is on her way out for her OFN challenge, but first, Dixie Carter. Dixie Carter makes a condescending and scripted statement about taking TNA out of the Impact Zone and the company will be on the road permanently starting March 14th in Chicago.
Velvet Sky comes out, wearing probably the stupidest wrestling boots in history. She has something to get off her chest right now. It’s a special night for her, and because it’s OFN, it gives her the reason to call out the two reasons she’s not champion today. Tara, it would be in your best interest to come out now, and bring your Hollywood girlfriend Jesse with you. They come out and Sky says this isn’t a Handicap Match. While they were in the back drinking protein shakes, Sky got a partner. He drinks, but it isn’t protein
MATCH 4-Mixed Tag Team Match: Velvet Sky and James Storm vs. Jesse and Knockouts Champion Tara
Quite the demotion for Storm here, wouldn’t you say? The men start the match. Storm fires off some rights before hitting a shoulder off the ropes and a hip toss. Storm with a Snake Eyes and a hard right. Tara distracts Storm, and Jesse clubs him from behind. He stomps Storm down in the corner, then drags him to the middle for 1. Top wristlock is applied, and Jesse turns it into a snapmare and hits a legdrop for 2. Storm counters a bodyslam with a backstabber. The women tag in, and Sky does the hot tag offense. Side-Russian legsweep for 2 by Sky. Sky shoves her into Jesse and rolls her up for 2. Hairmare by Tara, and Sky tags out. Storm comes in and hits Closing Time on Jesse. Tara blocks the Last Call, so Sky hits In Yo Face and gets the pin. Wait, weren’t the guys still legal?
WINNERS: Velvet Sky and James Storm.
We see Hogan and Brooke talking to AI, and Hogan proceeds to suck up to Buddy Ray the entire time.
How many more times is the word “wheelhouse” going to be used tonight? Jesus.
Mr. Anderson is talking about how great Aces and Eights is. Then he rambles on about Kurt Angle. I’m not recapping the crap that comes out of his mouth anymore.
Kurt Angle and the Wonder Twins are checking on Samoa Joe, who has apparently been attacked.
MATCH 5-Cage Match: Mr. Anderson vs. Kurt Angle (w/Wes Brisco)
Anderson attacks as Angle gets into the ring. Hard whip into the corner by Anderson for 1. Anderson hits some shots to the ribs, and Angle blocks a suplex before running into a back elbow for 1. They trade shots before Angle hits a middle rope dropkick. Angle hits a pair of clotheslines and a German suplex. Anderson escapes the Angle Slam and hits a rolling fireman’s carry slam for 2. Anderson throws Angle into the cage wall, then drops an elbow to the back of the neck. Another throw into the cage. Angle reverses the third and hits the Angle Slam for 2. Commercials.
[adinserter name=”366 right”]We’re back, and Angle is in control with rights. Anderson rakes the eyes and hits a clothesline. Mike Tenay announces that you can win this cage match by escape, something that TNA has always proudly proclaimed to be against. Way to go. Anderson starts climbing and Angle stops him. They trade punches while balancing on the top rope until Anderson gets knocked off. He ends up crotching Angle on the top rope, which is good for 2. Man, this cage is flimsy. Anderson drives some knees into the back. In the corner, Anderson hits some strikes before going to the corner to climb out. Angle manages to stop him, hitting a top rope Angle Slam in the process. Angle goes for the cover, getting 2. Anderson low blows him and hits the Mic Check for 2. Another pin, another 2. Anderson starts to climb once more, but Angle powerbombs him for 2 before applying the ankle lock. After about a minute, Anderson taps.
WINNER: Kurt Angle. We see an A and E member climbing into the cage as Wes Brisco manages to get the lock off the door. Brisco locks the door at Angle’s request after getting in the cage, and the A and E member removes his mask to reveal himself as Garett Bischoff. As Angle charges in, Brisco clips his knee from behind. He reveals he’s wearing an A and E vest, and the Wonder Twins beat Angle down. Garett picks Angle up and hits his stupid forward Ace Crusher finisher, then does the worst heel laugh I’ve seen in years.
End of show.
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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.
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