This week’s episode of Impact kicks off with a…well, not a bang. What’s less effective than a bang? No, pop is still too strong. Let’s say “nacho fart”.
Yes, this week’s TNA Impact Wrestling episode starts off with a nacho fart as the newest members of Aces and Eights, Wes Brisco and Garett Bischoff, make their way out. Could A and E have picked two guys people could care any less about? I’m thinking I should change their name from the Wonder Twins to Tomax and Xamot. Anyway, they are accompanied by the rest of the unmasked members of the group, as well as The Black Scorpion. Devon tells us that, a few weeks ago, he said A and E would dominate 2013. You know something? Not only are they dominating, but they are kicking the front door right into TNA (Huh?). After what they did to Kurt Angle last week, he’s sure everyone would love to see that again. This is the group that will destroy TNA. We get a montage of the history between Angle and the group, as well as the involvement of Tomax and Xamot. Back to the ring, Devon says to Mr. Anderson that, when he told Ken he had a plan, he was oh-so-right. Now, without any further ado, he introduces the new members of A and E, Garett Bischoff and Wes Brisco. Oh, this should be stunning. Garett thanks Devon, then calls the crowd disrespectful. To hell with all of you. This is his new family. His loyalty and respect lies with A and E. Now it’s Brisco’s turn. He says he did this because of you, Hawk Hogan. No, that’s not a typo; that’s really what he said. Anyway, Hogan didn’t answer Brisco’s phone calls for 2 years. Then, he told Brisco he had to start at the bottom and climb his way to the top. A Brisco on the bottom? And then, he wants to throw Brisco in a Gut Check match? Who gave Hogan his first pair of wrestling boots? A holla famer, his father (Again, his words). With the A and E on his back, that’s his ticket to climb to the top of the ladder. Back to Devon. If he was Kurt Angle, he wouldn’t dare think of coming back to TNA. As for you, Hogan, you want to surprise them with a Tables Match? That’s fine. Understand one thing: A and E always has backup. They will always have an ace under their sleeve. Testify.
You know, it’s already bad enough when Devon is the best talker in a segment. When he can’t even do that right, though, there’s a huge, HUGE problem. And TNA, don’t ever give Wes Brisco a microphone ever again. For any reason. At all. Ever.
We see Tara and Jesse in the back, talking about sending someone a message on MySpace. They barge into Brooke Hogan’s office, complaining about being booked in coach seats on the plane. Brooke calls them petty and selfish, as she’s been dealing with so much stuff. Tara bitches about being tired. Brooke tells her she’s wrestling Miss Tessmacher, and Jesse is banned from ringside for that match. For now, he can get Brooke a coffee.
MATCH 1-3-Way Match for the World X-Division Championship: Kenny King vs. Zema Ion vs. Rob Van Dam (Champion)
I am so sick of 3-way X-Division matches. The heels beat RVD down in the corner. RVD boots Ion, followed by an uppercut on Ion by King. RVD hits a springboard thrust kick on King just before Ion and RVD collide in the ring. RVD gets knocked to the floor, and Ion gets clotheslined to the floor by King. King takes RVD out with a corkscrew plancha as Ion climbs back in the ring. He overshoots a somersault plancha to the floor, nearly taking himself out on the guardrail. Back in, Ion hits a top rope seated dropkick on King. King counters a corner charge with an Oklahoma Roll. Ion rolls through and goes for a Buzzsaw, but King ducks and counters into a half-Boston crab. RVD breaks the hold with a boot to the head. King comes back with a modified Dragon Whip, followed by a jumping roundhouse for 2. King telegraphs a dropkick, and RVD capitalizes with a spinning legdrop. He goes for Rolling Thunder, but Ion trips him up on the outside. RVD hits a monkey flip on him, followed by a step-over spinning heel kick on King. Ion comes off the middle with a tornado DDT on RVD for 2. King breaks up the pin and calls for the Royal Flush on Ion. Ion counters into a small package for 2. Ion hits a back suplex into a facebreaker for 2 as RVD pulls him off from the outside. Ion goes for a baseball slide on RVD, but RVD sidesteps him and hits a clothesline. Back in, RVD appears to go for the 5-Star on King, but King rolls out of the way. Ion comes in and RVD leaps at him. Ion ducks as RVD lands on his feet. RVD goes for a cross-body, but Ion ducks, sending the champ back to the floor. He hits a neckbreaker on King off a hotshot for 2. He calls for the 450 splash, but King comes back with rights. He hits a corner charge and goes for a suplex, but RVD is back in, and he breaks up the move. King clotheslines him back to the floor as Ion rolls him up for 2. Ion hits a dropkick. King blocks a middle rope moonsault, then hits a running seated dropkick. Northern lights suplex by King for 2 as RVD breaks it with a 5-Star Frog Splash on King. He covers Ion for the pin, getting 3.
[adinserter name=”366 left”]WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Rob Van Dam.
Bobby Roode and Austin Aries are entering the building. Aries says that, when they work together, they are unstoppable, and they are taking the tag titles home tonight. Roode agrees, and tonight, it’s not about ego; it’s about them walking the same path. Aries says that, when they have all the gold, everyone will follow their lead.
There’s a video for TNA’s new UK-only show, British Boot Camp. It’s a Tough Enough-type show, and it was won by some wrestler calling himself Rockstar Spud. We see some clips of the show, including training by the wrestlers. All four of them are total twigs who look like they have absolutely no business anywhere in a wrestling ring: Rockstar Spud, Party Marty, and the Blossom Twins. Jesus. Later tonight, we get an introduction to Spud.
We see Bruce Prichard and D’Lo Brown talking about Tomax and Xamot’s “shocking turn”. Prichard says there will be hell to pay when Kurt Angle comes back, and it’s his and D’Lo’s fault for allowing Brisco on the roster.
Jesse is in the ring, and he has something disappointing to say. Brooke Hogan has banned him from ringside on his very own girlfriend’s matches tonight. Don’t worry; he’s going to give the fans exactly what they paid their hard-earned money for, and that’s the chance to see a true Hollywood star, because quite frankly, who do these people have to cheer for? So none other than himself. Get your cameras and cellphones out, because this will be one “pectacular” photo opportunity. Kill me now.
James Storm’s music hits. Still waiting to be killed. I welcome death. Storm says he was listening to Jesse run his “bottle sucker”, talking about taking some pictures. These people don’t care about taking no pictures. They came to drink some beer while watching someone get beat up. Tara saved him last week, but she’s not out here this time, so Storm is going to give the fans what they want. He’s going to kick the crap out of Jesse, then drink some beer, then he’ll pick Jesse up so these people can see him with no teeth in his mouth.
MATCH 2: Jesse vs. James Storm
Storm fires off some rights and uppercuts. Jesse thumbs him in the eye, then hits some rights of his own. Back elbows in the corner by Jesse, and now an abdominal stretch is applied. Storm blocks a clothesline and hits a side-Russian legsweep. Storm hits some rights and a forearm. Inverted atomic drop by Storm, followed by the Eye of the Storm. Kick from the apron by Storm, followed by a running neckbreaker. Spinebuster and Closing Time, and Storm calls for the Last Call, which connects in slow-mo for 3.
WINNER: James Storm. After the match, the poor man’s Stone Cold Steve Austin drinks some beer after doing a stupid ventriloquist bit with Jesse.
MATCH 3-World Tag Team Championship: Austin Aries and Bobby Roode vs. Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez (Champions)
You know, I actually had a brief conversation with Todd Keneley a couple nights ago over Facebook. While I’m not a huge fan of his work thus far (to be fair, though, he’s still very new), I do have to say that, sadly, despite the collective experience of his broadcast partners, he’s the best commentator the company has ever had. And I mean since day 1. That’s not a knock on him; that just shows you how badly Taz and Tenay now suck at their jobs. Roode and Chavo start the match with a lock-up. Roode applies an armbar, and Chavo counters into a side headlock. Chavo goes into a waistlock. Roode elbows out, and Chavo comes back with a spinning headscissors and a dropkick. Aries tags himself in, and Hernandez is now legal as well. As a heavily tattooed man myself, I can tell you that Hernandez’s tattoo work absolutely sucks. Hey, it matches his promo skills! Aries applies a side headlock, so Hernandez picks him up and sets him across the top buckle. Aries ducks a clothesline and cartwheels to avoid a back body drop. He goes for a tag, but Roode isn’t interested. Aries turns around into a standing avalanche. Hernandez goes for a delayed vertical suplex, but Roode comes in and pulls Aries down. He boots Hernandez and they go for a double suplex. Chavo comes in and instead helps Hernandez hit a double suplex of his own. Chavo tags in. Hernandez hits a bodyslam, and Chavo follows up with a tope con hilo. European uppercut by Chavo, and as he goes to the ropes, Roode trips him and drags him to the floor. Aries goes for a suicide dive as Roode holds Chavo, but Chavo moves out of the way, causing Aries to slam into Roode. Commercials.
We’re back, and Hernandez tags in, who hits an avalanche in the corner for 2 as Roode breaks up the pin. Chavo back in, who hits a snapmare and low dropkick. They trade chops in the corner until Chavo hits another European uppercut. Hernandez back in, and he bodyslams Chavo onto Aries. Hernandez hits a splash for 2 as Roode breaks it up again. Chavo back in, and the crowd could care less about the champs. Chavo knocks Roode off the apron, and the distraction allows Aries to hit a rolling elbow. The heels make the fake tag, and Roode stomps Chavo down. Back elbow for 2. Snapmare by Roode, and Aries tags himself back in. Roode hits a rolling neck snap, and Aries comes in with a spinning European uppercut to the back of the head for 2. Roode back in, and he beats Chavo down in the corner. He takes Chavo out with a clothesline for 2 before applying a rear chinlock. Aries back in, and he hits a gut shot. Foot choke on the apron sends Chavo to the floor. Outside, Roode slams him into the apron. Aries comes down with a double axe handle from the top rope. Back in, Aries gets 2 with his feet on the ropes. Roode tags in as Chavo fights out of the corner. Roode prevents a tag and applies a rear chinlock. Aries makes a fake tag off a distraction by Hernandez, and Aries applies a rear chinlock. Aries sits on Chavo’s back before going back to the hold. Aries tries the sit-down again, but Chavo turns on his back and his knee connects with Aries’ groin. Comedy. Chavo kicks Aries off, but right into his own corner, where Roode makes the tag. He prevents Chavo from tagging out and beats him down in the corner. Chavo shows he’s been watching Alberto Del Rio tapes as he goes to the top for a moonsault, misses, lands on his feet and rolls through. The two simultaneously clothesline each other, and now both are down. Aries tags in, as does Hernandez. Hernandez with the luke-warm tag, and the crowd could not give a damn about “Supermex”. He hits an over-the-shoulder backbreaker drop on Aries for 2 as Roode breaks it up. Hernandez hits a slingshot shoulderblock on Aries, and then hits a Pounce on Roode. Chavo back in, who hits the 3 Amigos, and the crowd hates it. Aries blocks the 3rd and goes for the brainbuster. Chavo slides out and shoves Aries into Roode. The heels start pushing each other and Roode tells Aries to kiss his ass before leaving the ring. Chavo hits a suplex and Hernandez comes in. Hernandez goes for the Border Toss as Chavo climbs up top. Roode returns to the ring in time to shove Chavo to the mat as Aries slides out of the Toss. As the ref is checking on Chavo, Aries low blows Hernandez and Roode throws him to the floor. Aries hits a running dropkick in the corner before throwing him into a spinebuster by Roode. Aries goes up top and hits the 450 splash for the first time in quite a while, and it’s enough to get the 3.
WINNERS AND NEW CHAMPIONS: Austin Aries and Bobby Roode.
We see Brooke, Buddy Ray and Sting in the back, talking about tonight’s main event. Hulk Hogan walks in, so Sting and Brooke leave. Hogan says he’s glad his new son-in-law has his head in the game. The main event was made for Ray, and this is the end tonight. This is to make sure Ray proves how wrong Hogan has been about him. Ray says that, with all due respect, he ain’t no good guy. Just because he’s good to Brooke doesn’t make him a good guy. He didn’t forget what A and E did to everyone, including what happened during the wedding. He’s Buddy Ray. He ain’t no good guy; he’s a very bad one. I guess no one told Ray “ain’t no” is a double negative, which means he called himself a good guy before calling himself a bad guy, which cancel each other out. Hogan says that, for the sake of their family, he hopes he knows who Ray really is. This ends tonight, and he wants Ray to end it for all of them. Ray says, “Consider it done…dad.”
Video package for AJ Styles’ long, drawn-out, go-nowhere storyline.
MATCH 4: Miss Tessmacher vs. Knockouts Champion Tara (non-title)
Tessy rolls Tara up for 2. Tara comes back with a kneelift before slamming Tessy’s face into the mat while screaming Jesse’s name. Hip throw by Tara, and it’s turned into a side headlock. Tessy fights out, but Tara hits a shoulder. Tessy trips her before a crisscross can happen, followed by a Dropsh*t. Tessy botches a victory roll, sending Tara face-first into the mat. She turns her over for a pin, getting 2. Tessy stomps her in the corner, hits a hip bump and a Stinkface. Tara rolls to the outside, so Tessy throws her back in. Tara stops a top rope attack and hits the Spider’s Web for 2. Hairmare by Tara, followed by a hair hang over her back. Tara applies a full-nelson now. Tessy ass bumps her way out of it, so Tara whips her down by the hair. Tara goes for the pin after a choke, getting 2. Tessy rolls her up for 2, and Tara comes back with a clothesline for a 2 of her own. Tara locks on a rear chinlock. Tessy fights out, and gets hit with another clothesline. Tessy comes back with forearms, hits a couple jumping clotheslines, a jumping forearm and a hurricanrana. She goes for the Mug Shot, but Tara hotshots her into the buckle. Tessy recovers and hits the Brooke Shield for 3. Kenely referred to it as the “Tess Shot”. I like my name better.
WINNER: Miss Tessmacher.
Jeremy Borash is in the ring, and he welcomes Rockstar Spud to the ring. Man, is this guy a douchebag. He should team with Zema Ion. The can call themselves “Summer’s Eve”. JB congratulates him on winning British Boot Camp. Rockstar Spud says he’s in the building. Thanks, Captain Obvious. Finally, he’s right here where he always wanted to be: in this ring, in front of thousands of his own countrymen. He is the newest member of the Impact Wrestling roster.
The Robbies interrupt thing, and E takes the mic from JB. He says the fact that Spud earned a contract is a travesty, bro. That is, of course, unless we’re hiring midgets. You, Spud, you’re not a rockstar; you’re a pizza delivery boy, bro. Hey! Get me my pizza, bro! You’re lucky T is holding him back, because he’d take you out, bro! If he told T to knock him out, he’d do it, bro. He’d knock you out, you hamster. You’re a piece of garbage, bro. T does what E tells him to do, bro. T is slowly getting irritated, so he bends down to pick up his clipboard, which allows Spud to knock E out of the ring. E orders T to take Spud out, but T pretends like he can’t hear. T starts to fist pump, so Spud turns fist into devil horns.
We see Sting and Ray walking in the back. Ray says Sting has had his back since the beginning. He’s not letting Sting down tonight, and they’re going to put A and E through tables. Brooke stops them and asks if they’re ready. Sting tells her to literally get her game face on. Ray tells her to put on the war paint.
MATCH 5-Tag Team Tables Match: World Television Champion Devon and DOC vs. Bully Ray and Sting
The faces tee off on the heels to start the match, beating them down in adjacent corners. Now in opposite corners, the faces send the heels into each other, then hit a pair of clotheslines. The beatdown continues before Ray throws DOC to a corner. Then another. Double clothesline for DOC. Double back elbow for Devon. More punches by the faces. Taz just pointed out that “ain’t” isn’t in the dictionary. A few years ago, that was true. However, it is now officially a word in the English language. Taz is a moron. In opposite corners now, and Ray hits a Stinger Splash on Devon. Sting then hits one. They send DOC into the corner on Devon. Ray hits a double avalanche, and Sting hits a double clothesline. Devon gets thrown to the floor as DOC is clotheslined to the floor. Commercials.
[adinserter name=”366 right”]We’re back, and DOC is hitting rights on Ray. Ray comes back with a big boot. DOC rebounds, hits a big boot and a clothesline. DOC takes off his belt and chokes Ray on the outside. In the ring, Devon attacks Sting with rights until Sting comes back with a clothesline. Sting hits a bodyslam, and the faces go for What’s Up?, which connects. Ray orders Sting to get the tables. Sting does the same to Ray. Ray grabs a table and throws it in the ring. DOC and Devon recover and take the faces out. Devon pulls the table to the middle of the ring. They go for a double suplex, but Ray moves the table. DOC attacks him from behind and sends him to the floor. DOC sets the table up once more as Devon sets Sting on it. Ray drags Devon to the floor, where they hit simultaneous clotheslines on each other. Back in the ring, DOC is going to the top when Sting recovers. Sting goes for a superplex, but Mike Knox runs in and moves the table. He holds Sting up for a shot by Devon, but Sting ducks, causing Devon to punch Knox. Sting fights off Devon and DOC, and he hits the Scorpion Death Drop on DOC. Devon knocks Sting to the floor and sets up the table as Ray gets back in the ring. Ray “Hulks up” as I choke on my own bile. Ray hits three punches and a big boot before chokeslamming Devon through the table.
WINNERS: Bully Ray and Sting. The Hogans come out applauding.
End of show.
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