This week’s TNA Impact opens with Jeff Hardy entering the building. Hulk Hogan stops him in the backstage area and asks if he’s ready for tonight. Hardy says he was born ready for this kind of match.
TNA now has credits for their opening video. Kill me.
Full Metal Mayhem happens tonight, as does Gail Kim vs. Taryn Terrell, and we will also get AJ Styles’ “big decision”. Now, to the ring for the opening match.
MATCH 1-Best-of-3-Falls Match for the World Tag Team Championship (If the challengers lose, they must split): Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez vs. Austin Aries and Hernandez (Champions)
The challengers are led to the ring by some boxing legend. I don’t pay attention to boxing, so I don’t know who he is, nor do I care. Roode and Aries attack before they even make their official entrance, with Roode throwing Hernandez into the steps several times. The bell rings, and in the ring, Roode sends Aries into Chavo for a corner dropkick. Aries then sends Chavo into Roode for the spinebuster, which gets 3.
Aries tags in after the rest period and goes up top, mocking Chavo. He takes too long, though, and misses the frog splash. Chavo gets in a quick Oklahoma roll for 3, tying up the series. We’re now into the third fall, and Hernandez is still laid out on the floor. Roode tags in and stomps Chavo down in the opposite corner before dragging him to his own for more stomps and a foot choke. Aries chokes Chavo over the bottom rope behind the ref’s back, and Roode hits a quick back suplex for 2. Aries tags in and hits a tope con hilo, then stomps the face and hits a fist drop for 2. Roode back in, and he corner whips Chavo. Chavo blocks the charge and goes for a tornado DDT. Roode blocks that, but gets hit with a dropkick. Chavo looks for a tag, but Hernandez isn’t there. He eventually crawls up and tags in, hitting a slingshot shoulderblock on Roode, who has tagged in as well. He takes out both champs before hitting Roode with a Pounce. Warrior Press on Aries, and now Hernandez goes outside to the ramp for an outside-in Air Mexico on both the champs. Commercials.
WINNERS AND NEW CHAMPIONS: Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez. Taz just said Texas is the only state that has their own flag. Jesus tap-dancing Christ…
In the back Brooke Hogan is stopped by Joey Ryan. He says she doesn’t have to apologize for how the knockouts acted last week. He has his ref gear again tonight and volunteers to do the job again. Brooke says he doesn’t have to worry about it. Ryan embarrassed her last week, and this week, he has a match, and we’ll see who the “bigger man” is.
Outside, Aces and Eights have arrived on their motorcycles and are just hugging each other repeatedly.
Joseph Park makes his way into the arena. He has asked for a few minutes to discuss a few points of business. His main issue is with A and E, and Bully Ray specifically. What Ray and his band of hooligans has perpetrated on TNA is felonious, and it stops now. The crowd has completely turned on Park in just a few seconds. Park wants justice, and tonight, it will be served when Jeff Hardy brings the title back to TNA. Justice doesn’t end there, though. Park is well-versed in divorce law and marital code in this country. He holds up a piece of paper and says he’s written up annulment papers that will officially end the marriage between Brooke and Ray. Before he can finish, Devon enters the ring and rips the mic out of Park’s hand before ripping up the papers. Devon says that, if Park has a problem with his brother, he’s got a problem with Devon. Go back to the rock you crawled out from, and stay out of family business. He doesn’t give a damn what Park thinks; stay out of the family business. You’ve been warned. Devon leaves as Park is picking up the shreds of paper, then gets back in the ring with a chain around his fist and decks Park in the gut.
MATCH 2: Gail Kim vs. Taryn Terrell
At least Taryn decided to invest in a pair of kneepads. I don’t know why, but wrestlers not wearing kneepads really, really bothers me. It just looks strange, not to mention it’s kind of stupid when you consider how much damage is done to the knees in this profession. Before the match begins, ODB is announced as the referee. Kim immediately gets in ODB’s face, and Taryn snaps her into the ring. Clothesline by Taryn, followed by a suplex. Monkey flip out of the corner, but Kim counters the spear. Taryn puts on the breaks and mounts the middle rope, so Kim trips her. In the corner, Kim strikes Taryn several times. Taryn tries to fight back from her knees. She ducks a clothesline, but gets hit with a back elbow. Kim picks her up for a fireaman’s carry, then drops her face-first on the mat. Kim foot-chokes Taryn over the middle rope, then gets in ODB’s face. Taryn reverses a corner whip, but Kim counters the charge into a roll-up with a handful of tights. ODB counts 2, but sees the cheating and breaks it. Taryn quickly schoolgirls Kim and gets 3.
WINNER: Taryn Terrell. Todd Kenely called this a “PPV quality match”, further establishing his lack of credibility. Kim continues to yell at ODB after the match, so ODB chases her to the back. Christy Hemme stops Taryn for an interview after the match. She says she has waited a long time to get physical with Gail Kim, but now, who wants to get physical with Taryn?
We see Adam Pearce and Magno in the back, ready for Gut Check. I already know how this part turns out, and it’s total bullsh*t.
Pre-recorded footage of Al Snow, Bruce Prichard and Danny Davis talking about Gut Check is aired, and they focus on Magno botching spots, as well as Pearce cheating to win the match. Davis calls Pearce “technically sound”, and he appreciates that, as does Snow. They question Pearce’s personality, as they haven’t heard him talk yet.
Back to the arena, the judges are with Pearce and Magno. Prichard talks about the hype for these two, and only one of them can go to the ring to face Gut Check tonight. Magno, you have your entire career ahead of you. Adam, you are a 17-year veteran, and that can be viewed either negatively or positively. Decision time: Magno, your decision will be made in the ring later tonight. Adam Pearce walks off, and you can hear the crowd booing in the background. As I said, pure bullsh*t.
AI stops Hulk Hogan in the back to ask about Bully Ray. He says it’s important for TNA to get the belt back, but right, it’s time to deal with AJ Styles. AI asks about Sting, and Hulk doesn’t have an answer.
Other AI stops AJ Styles outside to ask about A and E. He shoves the camera away. Mr. Anderson stops him and hands him another vest.
Hulk Hogan makes his way into the arena, and he’s here to get a decision from AJ Styles. There’s a lot of things going on tonight, but the man he needs to talk to is a man that needs to get out here right now. AJ Styles, you need to get out here and let him know what’s going on right now. AJ makes his way out, the vest still in his hand. Hulk says they’re in the middle of a crazy war. AJ is playing the middle, so he needs to know which side AJ is on. This is an ultimatum, brother. AJ says he doesn’t respond well to ultimatums. Once again, James Storm interrupts the proceedings. He’s not out here to give AJ an ultimatum or hear what side he’s on. But, what he is out here for is because he and AJ are going to fight. Bad Influence then joins the fray. Kaz tells “Toby Keith” to step aside, as this doesn’t concern him. They’re not out here to fight; they’re out here to men fences. They also see through all the poop happening in the ring. They’re sexual and intellectual, so they know what’s going on. “Thunderlips” is going to try to get AJ on his team since A and E has dismantled his team. A and E, at the same time, wants to recruit TNA’s best soldier for the last 11 years. Daniels tells AJ that both sides will use him up and spit him out. BI has another proposition: they want AJ on their side. They know AJ thinks the whole thing with Claire Lynch was bad, but wasn’t it worse when Dixie Carter, Hulk and the fans all turned their backs on AJ? Don’t stand with either of these strangers; come stand with your brothers. Think of all the titles of they’ve won together. Wouldn’t it be great if the three of them stood together and it was them against the world? Storm shoves AJ to get his attention, then begins screaming in his face. AJ once again walks away from Storm. He stares at BI for a minute, then walks past them as well. Hulk yells at him and tells him that, since he won’t make a decision, Hulk will. Next week, AJ will fight Storm.
Joey Ryan is on his way to the ring for a match.
In the locker room, Kurt Angle is saying the feud between A and E and TNA has only begun, and the balance of power switches when Hardy wins the title. Next week, Angle has asked Hulk for a handicap match against Tomax and Xamot, and he plans to show them he is the baddest SOB in pro wrestling.
MATCH 3: Joey Ryan vs. Rob Terry
Remember that tag team Ryan had with Matt Morgan? Neither does TNA. Ryan runs into a shoulder as Mike Tenay tries to make the claim that Terry outweighs Ryan by 100 pounds. Terry hits another shoulder, and Ryan rolls to the apron. Terry pulls him back in and beals him across the ring. Terry hits an open-hand chop in the corner, then does the same in the adjacent corner. Same thing in the third corner, and Terry caps off the chops with a hard corner whip. Bodyslam by Terry, followed by a corner clothesline. Terry hits an over-the-shoulder powerslam, then picks Ryan up on his shoulders, turning the fireman’s carry into the Freakbuster for 3.
WINNER: Rob Terry. At least Terry didn’t botch his finisher this week. Terry is doing a guest appearance at a local show here this month. Guess where I won’t be that night?
Brooke and Hulk are in the back, and Hulk says he has a suite here tonight, and he wants Brooke with him there to watch the main event. Brooke says she wants to be at ringside for that match so she can see Hardy win the title up-close. As Hulk and Brooke part ways, Matt Morgan stops Hulk and asks if this is what things have come down to for Hulk. He should have done the right thing and named Morgan the #1 contender at Lockdown. Bully Ray wouldn’t be champion, and Hulk wouldn’t be responsible for breaking Brooke’s heart. Instead, he did what he does best, and make another Hulk Hogan mistake. One day, all of these mistakes will come crashing down on him.
It’s Gut Check time. JB introduces the three judges, followed by Magno. Despite being from Texas, the crowd immediately turns on Magno once he’s introduced. Good. He doesn’t deserve any accolades after last week’s performance. Danny Davis is up first as the crowd chants “No!” He says the fans here have made a decision, but he hasn’t yet. If Magno was in OVW, Davis would make him a star. Unfortunately, they’re on Impact, which is nationwide, and he has to agree with the fans. His answer is no. Magno gets his 30 seconds now to convince the other two judges he deserves it, and he says there are a lot of goals in life. He’s been in work all around the world, but that’s not enough for him. All the people know him. But he wants the whole world to know him as Magno, Impact luchador. That was the English half of the promo. I don’t speak Spanish, so I don’t know what else he said. However, what he said in English was complete garbage, and the fans in the building let him know it as well. Bruce Prichard is up next. He tells Magno he’s here because he has his entire career ahead of him. He has the physical attributes and a marketable look. However, his experience in the ring could cost him. He doesn’t know who Magno is and he needs more seasoning, and his answer is in both English and Spanish: no. Good. Magno flat-out sucks.
Outside, A and E are having a party with their motorcycles. Anderson asks Bully Ray if he’s ready, then gives him the group’s catchphrase. Ray says he needs to walk alone tonight. He needs to beat Hardy alone so he can shove it up Hardy and Hogan’s asses. He asks A and E to swear they will let him do this alone tonight. He’s not doing this just for him; he’s doing it for all of them. He then asks Anderson to hold his wedding ring.
The main event is up next.
MATCH 4-Full Metal Mayhem for the World Championship: Jeff Hardy vs. Bully Ray (Champion)
We see Brooke sitting in the front row. Ray walks over to her and tells her he’s glad she could make it before blowing her a kiss. Hardy immediately hits a sit-out Twist of Fate, then follows up with an avalanche in the corner and some punches. Hard corner whip by Hardy, and he grabs a chair, striking Ray over the back twice. Hardy brings a ladder in and props it in the corner, where he sends Ray in face-first. Hardy sets the chair up and hits Poetry in Motion. Ray falls down, lands face-first on the chair, and the ladder falls across his back. Hardy sets the ladder up in the middle, but Ray tips the ladder over. Hardy lands on his feet and hits a reverse enziguri. He goes to clothesline Ray over the top rope, but Ray counters with a back body drop, sending Hardy back-first on the ramp. Ray grabs his chain and begins whipping Hardy on the ramp. He goes back into the ring and sets up the ladder before throwing a chair to the corner. Ray begins climbing, but Hardy recovers and climbs as well, hitting Ray with some punches. Ray punches back, then rakes the eyes. He goes for a suplex, eventually hitting it. Commercials.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Bully Ray. A and E come through the crowd to celebrate the victory. Ray yells for the music to be shut off as we see a replay of what just happened. He asks if everyone knows who he is, or who A and E are. They are the Aces and Eights. He is the World Heavyweight Champion and when you ride with the Aces and Eights, you never walk alone.
End of show.
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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.Aces & Eights, Adam Pearce, AJ Styles, Austin Aries, Bobby Roode, Brooke Hogan, Bully Ray, Chavo Guerrero, Devon, DOC, Gail Kim, hulk hogan, Impact Wrestling, jeff hardy, Joey Ryan, Joseph Park, Ken Anderson, Kurt Angle, Magnus, Samoa Joe, Taryn Terrell, TNA Wrestling