This week, TNA Impact Wrestling is “live” from London, and as you would expect, Hulk Hogan is opening the show. Mike Tenay has Wembley Arena confused with Wembley Stadium, so the night is already off to a great start. Hogan panders to the fans for a moment. He heard noise when he slammed giants and won titles, but this sounds pretty damn sweet, brother. Since we’re on fire in London, he’s got a couple big things going down right now. First off, the fate of the TNA title hangs in the balance at Lockdown. Back there, there’s so much talent, and he finally found eight guys that rose right to the top. Tonight, we’re going to have four matches to find out who he picks to be the #1 contender at Lockdown: RVD vs. James Storm, Christopher Daniels vs. Magnus, “The Human Cyborg” (Really, Hogan? Are you this stupid?) Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe, and just to make sure his feet fly off the ground, the last match will feature two former champions as Bobby Roode faces Austin Aries. At the end of the night, he’ll come back out here, jack, and he’ll pick the #1 contender to face Hardy. The other business at hand is the business of Aces and Eights. A and E called out the whole roster, and they want a war to end all wars at Lockdown. So, Hogan thought about it for half a second, made a phone call to a brother from another mother, and he made him team captain. That man will speak for himself now, and that’s, “the greatest wrestler of all time”…Sting. Thought Hogan would name himself after that claim. Regardless, I disagree with that title being placed on Sting.
Sting makes his way out, and he says it’s showtime in London. The fans here in London are not just some of the best in the UK, but some of the best in the world. Now, those scumbags in A and E made their challenge, and Sting accepts. He’s going to do the same thing Hogan is doing-look up and down the roster and find himself three killers to be on his team at Lockdown. He promises they will tear some heads off at Lockdown and put an end to A and E. Sting then spouts off Hogan’s catchphrase, because Hogan’s ego hasn’t been stroked yet tonight.
Despite Hogan’s pandering of Magnus earlier (since they’re in the UK), he will not be seriously considered for a title match. Same with Daniels. Too bad, because Magnus could really be a major star if TNA pushed him right. He’s young, has a good look, has improved dramatically in the ring since his debut a few years ago, and his mic skills are light years beyond where they should be, given his relative inexperience. He reminds me a lot of Wade Barrett in that regard. Daniels starts with an arm wringer. Magnus counters, and Daniels counters with a side headlock. Magnus breaks free and lands a shoulderblock off the ropes. Daniels backs him into the corner, but Magnus fires off some rights. Powerslam into a suplex by Magnus, then he throws Daniels to a corner. Kaz hotshots him as the ref is distracted, and Daniels connects with an STO. Nightmare on Helms Street gets 2. Daniels applies a neck vice. Magnus fights out, and Kaz trips him. Daniels connects with a clothesline to the back of the neck for 2. Magnus fights back with rights, but Daniels hits a uranage. He goes for the BME, but Magnus moves. Daniels lands on his feet, and Magnus hits a running boot. Kaz jumps on the apron, and he gets an uppercut. The ref ejects him shortly thereafter, and as Daniels goes onto the ramp to argue with the ref, Magnus back body drops him back into the ring. Magnus hits a pair of clotheslines before missing the misdirection version. Daniels goes to roll him up, but Magnus blocks and hits the misdirection clothesline. He calls for the Michinoku Driver #2, which connects. Up top, the flying elbow connects for 3.
WINNER: Magnus. The elbow needs work, but to be fair, Daniels was out of position.
We see Brooke Hogan and Buddy Ray in a dressing room. Ray is beating himself up, saying things weren’t supposed to go down the way they did. An injury wasn’t supposed to happen, but it did. He wanted to marry Brooke and win the title, but the second one hasn’t happened, and it will now have to wait. After Brooke apologizes, Ray says he won’t let this ruin their time together on Valentine’s Day, so they’re going to buy her the shoes she wanted, then go to the restaurant she likes, then they’re going dancing. She gives him guff about taking on his wedding ring.
Joe/Angle is next.
Magnus is in the back, and he says he’s a pup compared to some of these guys. Since he was 19, this has been his only occupation. That was taken away from him by A and E and a hammer. When your dream is taken from you and you realize how badly you need it, you use that to fuel you, and he has more fuel in his tank than anyone else in this business. A world-class athlete just proved to the world he has what it takes to be champion.
MATCH 2: Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle
We get some prerecorded comments from Angle about wrestling being eliminated from the Olympics, claiming that he will work with TNA to get the sport put back. I guess he doesn’t realize that the Olympic committee isn’t going to care what a sports entertainment company thinks of them. I personally have no opinion on this at all, as I don’t follow the Olympics in any conceivable way. Keep it or don’t, I really don’t care. Joe starts with a side headlock before shouldering Angle down, knocking him to the floor. Angle gets back in and fires off some shots, and Joe reciprocates. Running hip bump and spin kick in the corner by Joe. Snapmare by Joe, followed by a chop to the back and a kick to the chest. Jumping knee connects for 2. Joe with a European uppercut, but Angle counters with an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Angle begins attacking the left knee of Joe, then foot chokes him in the corner. Suplex by Angle gets 2. Snapmare by Angle, and now he applies a rear chinlock. Joe fights out, but Angle drops him with a back elbow. Commercials.
We’re back, and Joe is fighting out of a front chancery. Angle ducks a clothesline and goes for the Murder-Suicide, but Joe blocks it. Angle comes back with some shots until Joe forearms him in the face. Joe blocks an Irish whip and sends Angle to the floor. Joe hits him with a suicide dive, and now both men are down. Angle rolls back in, and Joe follows. He hits Angle with an inverted atomic drop, running boot and running senton for 2. Angle escapes a powerbomb and hits the Murder-Suicide. Joe avoids the Angle Slam and hits the ST-Joe out of the corner. He calls for the Muscle Buster, but Angle avoids it and hits a dropkick from the middle rope. Angle Slam connects, and Joe no-sells it before applying the Kokina Clutch. Angle rams him back-first into the buckles to break it, and applies the ankle lock. Joe rolls through after a minute, and the two simultaneously hit clotheslines. As Angle gets back up, Tomax and Xamot come in, causing the double DQ.
WINNER: No contest. Brisco and Garett continue their beatdown until Angle and Joe fight back. The heels bail before it goes on too much longer.
We see Dixie Carter in the back with the three losers from British Boot Camp. She says that, although Rockstar Spud won, this audience is crazy. Tonight is their first opportunity to be seen on Impact, so they need to show the world what this country saw on this show. Yeah, I don’t know either.
MATCH 3-6-Person Tag Team Match: The Blossom Twins (Hannah and Holly) and Party Marty vs. Gail Kim, Jesse and Knockouts Champion Tara
Marty and Jesse start the match, and Jesse drops Marty with a kneelift. Shoulderblock by Jesse. Marty comes back with a snapmare and a kick to the back. Marty slaps Jesse, and Jesse comes back with strikes. Marty connects with a sloppy springboard moonsault for 2. Commercials.
We’re back, and Jesse tags Tara in. One of the Blossom Twins tags in. The announcers don’t mention their individual names at all, so I’ll just call this one Hannah. Hannah hits an armdrag, and a dropkick gets 2. The announcers finally mention the Twins’ names as Holly tags in. The twins hit a double sidewalk slam. Tara tags out to Kim, who gets hit with rights by Holly. Holly hits a back elbow from the middle rope for 2. Kim beats her down, but Holly blocks a bodyslam and goes for the pin. Taryn Terrell is distracted by Jesse, so she can’t count it. Tara kicks her in the back, and Kim connects with a clothesline. Tara tags in and hits a hairmare. Kim tags back in and hits a backbreaker for 2. Kim hits the corner body attack for another 2. Tara back in now and she gets 2 off a forearm shot. Tara hangs her by the hair, hits a bodyslam and goes for the standing moonsault. Holly blocks with her knees, and she crawls to the corner to tag in Hannah as Kim tags in on the other side. Hannah fires off some rights, a pair of clotheslines and then sends Kim hard into the buckles. Tara comes in, and gets a big boot for her troubles. The twins double flapjack Kim onto Tara before Hannah drops Holly into a reverse electric chair onto Kim. Hannah gets 2 as Tara breaks up the pin. Holly boots Tara to the floor, and Jesse comes in to flex. Marty comes in with a seated dropkick from the top rope, and he botches the living hell out of a suicide dive. In the ring, Kim connects with Eat Defeat for 3.
WINNERS: Jesse, Gail Kim and Tara. On the replay, we see that Marty came head-first right onto one of the support beams for the barricade. Not good, Bruno. Kim gets on the mic and calls herself the most dominant Knockout in the company. And Taryn, thank you very much for not being your incompetent, blonde, bimbo self and doing your job right for once. And Tara, you have something she wants. She wants the KO title back, and she happens to know that Ms. Hogan has arranged for her to defend the belt next week, so Ms. Hogan, why don’t you make everyone’s life easier and come out here to give Kim what she deserves.
Brooke Hogan heads out and says she hears Kim’s plea and knows she wants a shot at the title. She’s going to grant it, but that’s not all. She’ll wrestle Tara, as well as Miss Tessmacher in a 3-way. Tessy comes out, and Brooke says she’s not done yet. These three will also be wrestling, making the match a 4-way. Sky joins Tessy on the ramp. Brooke says the match will be an elimination match, and just to make sure no shenanigans go on, Brooke will be at ringside watching.
MATCH 4-World X-Division Champion Rob Van Dam vs. James Storm (non-title)
I missed the first part of this match, as the feed I had for it on YouTube started the match right in the middle. RVD hits a monkey flip and a roundhouse in the corner. Jumping side kick, and Rolling Thunder gets 2. Front powerslam near the corner, and RVD goes for the split-legged moonsault, which connects for 2. They now trade rights, and Storm comes off the ropes with a DDT for 2. They trade more rights, Storm ducks a roundhouse and hits an uppercut. Out of the corner, he hits the Alabama Slam for 2. RVD blocks the backcracker, but doesn’t block Closing Time. Storm signals for the Last Call, but RVD blocks and hits a spinning heel kick. RVD goes up top for the Five-Star, but Storm knocks him to the apron. RVD blocks a ram to the buckle with a high kick and goes for the Van Terminator, but misses. Storm hits the Last Call and gets the 3.
WINNER: James Storm.
Joseph Park enters Hogan’s office, where Hogan and Brooke are talking. Park says he knows Hogan is looking for an opponent for Hardy for Lockdown, and some of the boys have been telling Park that, if he wants to get anywhere in this business, he has to learn how to politic. Hogan tells him he doesn’t have to do that. Park is confused about what politicking is, and Hogan tells him he needs to ask the boys what a rib is.
We see Brooke putting makeup on after the commercials, and she’s talking to her dad about Buddy Ray. Hogan says he has to keep an open mind, as he’s got eight other guys who want a title match. Brooke tells him Ray got into the business because of Hogan and wants to be just like him. She tells him to soften up. Hogan says he’d love to have a son-in-law as champion, but he has to remain objective. He will definitely take Ray as a contender under advisement.
MATCH 5: World Tag Team Co-Champion Bobby Roode vs. World Tag Team Co-Champion Austin Aries
Before the match, Roode tells Hogan that it’s taken him a week to screw with their plan. Last week was just the beginning, becoming the new tag champs. They intend on winning all the gold in TNA and finally bring some prestige and honor, finally bringing back honor and prestige to them. Aries calls tonight’s plan transparent. With him and Roode on the same page, the plan won’t work. They know what has to be done and what’s right for business. They each go for a “Fingerpoke of Doom”, but argue about who’s going to lay down. Aries grabs a mic and calls this a little miscommunication, then refuses to go down. Aries says he’s the bigger man, and he’ll lay down for Roode, no problem. Aries lays down and Roode goes for the pin. As the ref counts 2, Aries reverses and gets 2 of his own. A shoving match starts as we go to commercials.
WINNER: No contest.
We see Hogan and Sting talking in the back, and Hogan’s rambling about what Brooke just told him. Sting tells Hogan he’s got the best talent in the world in this company, and he’s glad he doesn’t have to make the decision for the new #1 contender. Hogan starts to go down the hall the wrong way until Sting points him in the right direction. Foreshadowing, I’m sure.
Hogan makes his way back into the arena, and he says it’s been crazy in the back because of all the energy from the crowd. It’s not about him anymore (HAHAHAHAHAHA!); it’s about the 8 guys we saw throughout the night. It’s decision time, and each of those 8 guys wants to be the man. Now, he’s got to pick one of them to face Hardy at Lockdown. Before he can finish, Aces and Eights hit the ring and surround Hogan. Buddy Ray limps out, chain in hand. The members of A and E drop back down to the floor as Ray enters the ring. He holds them off until Sting’s music hits, and he’s got 3 baseball bats. Each of the faces takes one as A and E leave the area.
End of show.
As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below: