It would appear that Brock Lesnar’s one-year trip back to the WWE may be extended. A new report indicates that negotiations are underway and the former UFC champion may be sticking around through 2013.
A new report in the Wrestling Observer newsletter indicates that the WWE and Brock Lesnar have entered negotiations for a new wrestling deal. The report states that the deal would remain relatively similar to his current deal which obligates Brock to a handful of appearances and matches for a reported cool $5 million.
Dave Meltzer feels that it was Brock’s strong drawing power at SummerSlam and the impressive buyrate that the event achieved which was the catalyst for the WWE committing to such a big money deal for a second year in a row.
“After SummerSlam and him moving numbers on an otherwise weak show, his being offered a new deal was thought to be a given, because there were stock analysts who changed their feelings on WWE long-term based on the PPV number increases, and at that point, keeping relations with Lesnar and The Rock, who are numbers movers, became a big deal.”
Lesnar has not signed the new deal according to the report. Meltzer feels that Brock will drag out negotiations before he agrees or does not agree on a new deal. The report also indicates that the WWE are working feverishly to lock Lesnar up before WrestleMania. It would make sense to create a finish based on Lesnar’s future with the company which as of today has him leaving right after his match in Newark, NJ.
As things stand today it is expected that Lesnar will rematch with Triple H at WrestleMania. It is also expected that the rematch will serve as an opportunity to give Hunter a win back over Lesnar. Quite frankly it is hard to argue with the finish if Lesnar is leaving, which is why getting this deal done before the match is important.
I would not be surprised at all to see some rumors floating around about Brock returning to the UFC. We have seen those rumors twice since Lesnar returned to the WWE last year. UFC president Dana White has told reporters that Brock would never fight again due to health reasons. I have a feeling that Brock may “find a doctor willing to clear him” in the middle of a contract negotiation.
If Lesnar does stick around than I think there are a few avenues they can go as far as the match. One idea would be to scrap the match altogether. I really don’t know if there is that much of a demand in seeing these two guys wrestle again coming off of their August match. Another idea would be to have Triple H go over as part of a bigger plan to turn Brock Lesnar babyface, something I predicted a while back. Either way I think if you are investing that much money in Lesnar, there is no good reason to have him put anyone over at WrestleMania.
Keep an eye out for more on this story. It will be a biggie going forward as we move closer to WrestleMania.
When you get past the annoying social media trends, infatuation with past stars, and inconsistent booking, WWE produced a number of classic PPV match-ups on the 2012 calendar. Choosing 20 was hard, ranking them was harder. Here is what I came up with for the creme de la creme, the best of the best for the year 2012.
20. World Heavyweight Championship/Elimination Chamber: Daniel Bryan vs. Big Show vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Wade Barrett vs. Santino Marella vs. Great Khali (Elimination Chamber, February 19)
You wouldn’t think this one would make the classics list, and early on in the match, it didn’t seem to be a likely addition. What made this match special was the dramatic finishing sequence, in which comedy player Marella eliminated Rhodes and Barrett, and came within believable inches of upending Bryan for the title. Despite the crowd cheering him on, the Milan Miracle succumbed to the LeBell/Yes/No Lock, and Bryan retained.
19. WWE Intercontinental: The Miz vs. Rey Mysterio (Summerslam, August 19)
One of my favorite dynamics: Mysterio’s plucky air assault against a conniving villain who will bump along with the lucha icon. Really, Miz can be hit-or-miss, and Rey, even broken down, gets the best out of just those kinds of foes. A rapid-fire build to the end, including Miz busting out a Liger Bomb of all moves, ended shockingly cleanly, with Rey eating the turnbuckle after a crash-and-burn, and Miz spiking him with the Skull Crushing Finale.
18. WWE Championship/No Disqualification: CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan (Money in the Bank, July 15)
The only detraction from this one was something I never thought I’d criticize, and that’s too much AJ. Miss Lee was the special referee for this blowoff between two honorable rivals, and it was a chaotic 28-minute affair. When you combine MMA-inspired kicks and strikes with WWE Main Event Style weaponry, it can make for a suitably brutal affair. Bryan’s current run as a main eventer came to an end via Punk hitting a back superplex through a table.
17. Ladder Match: Dolph Ziggler vs. John Cena (TLC, December 16)
The final PPV match of 2012 hit on all the notes necessary for a satisfying main event: strong booking for both the winner and loser, exciting in-ring action, a hint of controversy, and as a bonus, acknowledgement of the ascension of a young star. Ziggler’s MITB briefcase was at stake against Cena, who had the match won until AJ (she gets around) knocked him off the ladder, allowing for a Ziggler superkick, and contract-retention for the Show Off.
16. Royal Rumble Match (Royal Rumble, January 29)
Some panned this match for being a tad cartoony, what with the commentators, Jim Duggan, and other non-regulars getting involved, but the silly fun was surrounded by some great action otherwise. Miz and Cody Rhodes had great showings during their respective long durations, Kofi Kingston hand-stood his way into our hearts, and Sheamus and Chris Jericho put together a great extended finish, ending with Jericho being Brogue Kicked into the abyss.
15. World Heavyweight Championship: Sheamus vs. Big Show (Hell in a Cell, October 28)
Even though the Sheamus/Show feud was eventually dragged out like a dead kitten carcass across sun-baked pavement, it at least produced this fun match. In recent years, WWE’s produced a number of epic battles between big men, and this ranks among the best. It’s not often see two devastating moves (WMD Punch, Brogue Kick) kicked out of, but it set the stage for a thrilling finish, in which Show KO’ed Sheamus once and for all to win the gold.
14. WWE Championship: CM Punk vs. Dolph Ziggler (Royal Rumble, January 29)
This one took relegation to the scrap heap quickly after it happened, and that was due to two reasons. For one, it failed to match the ‘instant classic’ that Punk and Ziggler had on Raw two months prior (Dolph’s “he’s arrived” match), and two, John Laurinaitis’ involvement overshadowed some of the proceedings. Ziggler’s GTS counter into a rocker dropper was sweet, much like the match itself, which Punk won after finally hitting his knee-on-face finish.
13. Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler (Night of Champions, September 16)
The elevation of Ziggler continued, even in defeat. After Orton cost Ziggler a chance to cash in Money in the Bank on Sheamus (before Cena committed the same act), the two were linked together for a non-championship-related match at a show that’s designed to feature all title matches. Minor quibble aside, Ziggler and Orton battled in a heated 20-minute war, with many near falls, and ending when Orton countered Dolph’s sleeper into an RKO.
12. WWE Championship/Chicago Street Fight: CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho (Extreme Rules, April 29)
The blowoff to the insipid “Punk’s really a vicing degenerate with a messed up family” angle was this unfettered fight to the death in Punk’s hometown of Chicago. Both men even wore street clothes for the occasion, giving old school fans some bunkhouse brawl memories. Punk pulled out all the stops, including hitting the Leap of Faith elbow through Spanish announce table. Jericho nearly won with a chair-assisted Codebreaker, but Punk’s GTS would prevail.
11. WWE Championship/Elimination Chamber: CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho vs. The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. R-Truth (Elimination Chamber, February 19)
This one left many of us wondering just how Jericho and/or Punk would lose, and still set up WrestleMania without either man looking weak. After one of the better Chamber matches in recent years, complete with Jericho resurrecting the Lion Tamer on Kingston, Punk knocked Jericho out with a bump to the floor, eliminating him via TKO. Left with just Miz, Punk polished him off with the GTS, leaving Jericho to have an out leading into WrestleMania.
10. Chris Jericho vs. Dolph Ziggler (Summerslam, August 19)
Shaking off the disappointment of a pointless, troll-tastic return in January, an uninspired feud with Punk (the writing, not the matches), and the controversy in Brazil, Jericho was able to have one last classic before adjourning from WWE yet again. Opening an average Summerslam, Jericho and Ziggler ping-ponged and bumped for each other to get the party started. After Y2J shook off a ton of false finishes, he tapped Ziggler to his Wal-er, Lion Tamer.
9. Money in the Bank: Dolph Ziggler vs. Christian vs. Tensai vs. Santino Marella vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Tyson Kidd vs. Damien Sandow vs. Sin Cara (Money in the Bank, July 15)
The more discriminating fan was looking forward to this over, say, the Cena/Show/Kane MITB match, since a number of rising stars and internet favorites were involved. Kidd was the unsung hero, making his name on a series of crazy spots (i.e. the mid air twisting sunset powerbomb), while Ziggler continued his subtle suicide with his usual scary landings. Christian had the match won until Ziggler surged in, threw him off the ladder, and claimed the blue briefcase.
8. World Heavyweight Championship/2 Out Of 3 Falls: Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan (Extreme Rules, April 29)
After infuriating many with the 18-second fiasco at WrestleMania, WWE provided a make-good 4 weeks later by booking Bryan in a role he’s seldom played in WWE: a calculating killer who targets an injury and exploits it. Sacrificing the first fall to a DQ, Bryan forced Sheamus to pass out in the Yes Lock to even it up. Bryan couldn’t get the job done, however, and ate a Brogue Kick in the final act. But at least WWE, to their credit, apologized for Mania in their own way.
7. Hell in a Cell: The Undertaker vs. Triple H (WrestleMania XXVIII, April 1)
Though many have heralded this as the hands-down match of the year, I feel there was too much stalling (understandably) to award it the title. It was well built, but just missing that “extra push over the cliff”, to quote Nigel Tufnel. As it was, I dug much of the drama, but felt the parts with Shawn Michaels weren’t needed. Undertaker turning back Hunter’s last-ditch sledgehammer attack before obliterating him made for a fitting culmination of the 20-0 mark.
6. The Rock vs. John Cena (WrestleMania XXVIII, April 1)
Once the pointless concert beforehand came to a merciful end (which included some pretentious purple-haired diva-something or other), Rock and Cena engaged in the big money match, which was equal parts Austin-Rock and Warrior-Hogan. With a more markish crowd, it may have been even more epic, but as it was, it was a great heavyweight battle that will likely lead to a sequel this year. As for round one, The Great One drew first blood.
5. WWE Championship: CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho (WrestleMania XXVIII, April 1)
After John Laurinaitis affixed a stipulation minutes beforehand, decreeing that Punk could lose the gold via DQ, one’s spidey sense smelled screwjob. Instead, it was a red herring meant to mislead the audience, and hope that Punk wouldn’t get gutted by injustice. An intense battle that slowly worked into third gear, Jericho’s head games only intensified Punk’s resolve, as he finished the former “Best in the World” with an unrelenting Anaconda Vice.
4. WWE Championship: CM Punk vs. John Cena (Night of Champions, September 16)
Kinda sad that this was Punk’s first “main event” of the 2012 calendar year, and he’d been champion the entire time. This made up for months of Cena navel-gazing, as the two picked up where they left off the previous summer at Money in the Bank and Summerslam, displaying their remarkable chemistry in a seesaw battle. The double-pin finish would have meant more with a one-on-one rematch, but you know WWE will revisit this soon enough.
3. Tables, Ladders, and Chairs: The Shield vs. Kane/Daniel Bryan/Ryback (TLC, December 16)
You wouldn’t think there’d be a lot of positives to come out of Punk tearing his meniscus, but a dangerous spotfest that gave instantly credibility to three newcomers would be one. The Shield has looked strong since their Survivor Series debut, and they were able to notch a huge win over 3 pushed and established players, in a match everyone was talking about for days. Seth Rollins in particular was made after nearly dying via table bump near the entrance way.
2. Extreme Rules: John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar (Extreme Rules, April 29)
With Lesnar’s return the night after WrestleMania came high expectations for the universally-renowned UFC icon. He immediately entered a feud with Cena, and their fight vignettes hyping their forthcoming brawl were great selling points. The match wasn’t even a match, it was a straight-up fight with lots of blood. After Cena took a hellacious beating for the duration of the contest, he used his chain, and an AA on the ring steps, to win, much to the surprise of many.
1. WWE Championship: CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan (Over the Limit, May 20)
The two indy darling got to bring their blend of pure wrestling and stiff-shot-laden brawling to the big stage, for the game’s richest prize. Bryan and Punk painted a masterpiece for over 20 minutes, with both men expectedly fighting for the advantage. Bryan worked the arm in a manner similar to Bob Backlund, and ultimately hooked the Yes Lock for a sure win. Punk bridged back into a pinning combo and tapped just after the ref counted 3 on his pin.
The buyrate is in for WWE SummerSlam 2012 and it is great news for the WWE. The buyrate came back with an enormous boost from previous years. The happiest man today may be Brock Lesnar who now finds himself in a great position for his next contract.
Wrestling Observer writer Dave Meltzer reports that the numbers came in at an astonishing 265,000 buys domestically for the Biggest Party of the 2012 Summer. To put that number into perspective, that is almost 100,000 more buys than SummerSlam did last year worldwide. Needless to say the number is a success and the credit goes to former UFC champion Brock Lesnar for the big bump.
The number will become part of the story in 2013 when Brock Lesnar renegotiates his new WWE deal. According to Meltzer, it almost assures that Brock will get a raise from his current $5 million deal. Meltzer reports that Lesnar’s deal is up right around WrestleMania 29. These numbers are a good indication that the WWE will do everything they can to keep him on their big shows.
Another story to this is that SummerSlam took place the day after a UFC pay per view. Generally, the WWE doesn’t do well piggybacking off of a UFC pay per view. UFC 150 came in with an estimated 190,000 buys which is terrible for a UFC show. There is some speculation that crossover fans faced with purchasing one or the other decided to wait a day and save their money to see Brock Lesnar. It is no coincidence that Lesnar was the UFC’s biggest draw when he was fighting for the company.
I think this also goes back to something I wrote about after Extreme Rules. The wrestling media went ballistic on the Internet days following Extreme Rules about how Brock Lesnar was ruined as a draw after losing to Cena. I argued that the loss will have no big impact going forward on Lesnar’s ability to draw if the feud was done right. I think that evidence is clear that it doesn’t matter whether Lesnar wins or loses, people still want to see him regardless and will continue to do so in the interim.
This also brings up the old question of less is more in pro wrestling. I don’t believe for a second that Brock vs. Triple H would have drawn this big of a number if Brock was a regular WWE star. There is something to be said about using someone like Brock sparingly, sprinkled lightly over the course of a year on the big shows, with a couple of B-show appearances if necessary.
There was some talk about pushing the Lesnar vs. Triple H rematch up to Survivor Series. Again, I think that would be a bad move.
I think the WWE should stay the course and hold the match off until WrestleMania, at minimum 2013. It is easy for the WWE to overreact here and push Lesnar to appear on more shows. Yet at the end of the day I think it would be wise for everyone to look at the big picture here and understand that this number isn’t coming if Lesnar is wrestling weekly or even monthly as a WWE character.
Brock Lesnar is a shrewd negotiator. I have no doubt he will try and bring the UFC into negotiations when those talks begin. Unfortunately for the UFC it may take a lot more money than they anticipated to bring him back into the octagon. Expect the WWE to make Brock an offer he can’t refuse to keep him around until WrestleMania 30.
Ric flair should hang his head in shame. At SummerSlam, Brock Lesnar displayed how to stage a half hour spectacular without spending half the time ‘woo’ing and Jay walking and falling on the knees begging the opponent not to hurt him… and of course upside down on the turnbuckle.
It certainly wasn’t a 5 star match, I admit. But it was a 4 star match at the very least.
It wasn’t a 5 star match because the momentum never picked up. But then to Brock’s credit, he never allowed it to slip either – maintaining the momentum is no mean task especially since there were no pins in the first 10 minutes and just two or three in the next 20.
It was a brutal yet cerebral match that had no single moment betraying the worked nature of the sport even if it was achieved at the cost of abandoning the most essential of wrestling moves. Except for the one moment where Helmsley went over the top, the narrative didn’t slack. Lesnar selling the first pedigree was a sheer work of art. For a man that size to do it so perfectly speaks about the dedication worth every million he’s earning.
What could have turned the match around was if Helmsley had produced a surprise victory towards the end to win. That could have earned it extra half a star. But when the storyline required him to win – use the cerebral part of his act – he, well, simply swallows his pride! Not really. We knew why and now it’s official too. WrestleMania rematch! (Boy, what a stinker. Brock should wrestle Taker.)
But whether the match sucked from a storyline point of view or not, the big picture is that it simply reestablished Brock Lesnar as the greatest wrestler ever; no silly gimmicks (read hulking up), no one move finishes (read stunners) and certainly no unbelievable stunts (read John Cena). I am talking purely from a wrestling point of view i.e. when you pull out the DVD years later without having a clue about the storyline, would you buy into the match?
Another positive that could come out of Lesnar’s limited schedule is the possibility of turning him into an act akin to Ric Flair during the territory days. A spectacle! But for that to work, he needs to be booked as a face. Putting the title on him to make it stick won’t be a bad idea at all. After all the man really does look like the best in the world! ; )
Talking about putting the title on him, the only question ringing in my mind (after the show) was what credibility the WWE championship and World Heavy Weight Championship have any more.
The answer could be ‘Well, WWE is entertainment. Lesnar… Lesnar’s wrestling!’
Chris Jericho is finally gone after losing a match to Dolph Ziggler, ending his third run with the WWE. A look back at the nine-month run of Y2J begs the question as to whether it was a success or not. In this writer’s opinion, it was a slam dunk!
Chris Jericho returned after a lengthy hiatus from the WWE back in November. Jericho returned as a heel, although it took a few weeks for the fans to pick up on it. Jericho’s silence was a new twist in his evolving persona and created more intrigue and drama surrounding his first match than his last return back in 2007.
Once Jericho finally returned, he went full steam ahead in the WWE rings. His first big match back was the 2012 Royal Rumble. Jericho went to the finals, being eliminated by the current WWE world heavyweight champion Sheamus. Jericho’s selfless act in helping elevate this stale mid-carder would become the theme of the nine-month run of the ayatollah of rock and rolla!
Jericho hit his stride by feuding with CM Punk. The feud with Punk came at the perfect time in Punk’s career. Punk was at a crossroads and with all of the WrestleMania attention focusing on John Cena and The Rock, Punk was on the verge of being stuck in a meaningless match on the biggest mania in years. Thanks to Jericho, Punk wound up a key part of the show and wrestled a match that most agree was one of the best on the event.
The entire feud with Jericho and Punk was a showcase in the brilliance of Chris Jericho. Jericho brought out the aggressive side of Punk which helped elevate the WWE champion’s character into a different direction. Jericho also brought prominence back to the WWE title picture, after a disappointing series with Punk and Alberto Del Rio. As much as people love to put Punk on a pedestal, you need to two to tango. I don’t think there was anyone in the company that would have strengthened Punk as much as Jericho did.
Jericho’s selflessness was what made this work. Jericho had no problem putting Punk over on successive shows. Jericho had no problem looking like an idiot when necessary in order to get Punk and the feud over. Jericho didn’t hold back or work softer as a bitter veteran being used to elevate the young up and comer. Instead, Jericho worked his butt off and gave Punk arguably his best series of matches up to that point. Jericho and Punk’s match at Extreme Rules is regarded by many as the 2012 WWE Match of the Year.
But it wasn’t just CM Punk. Jericho did a similar favor for Dolph Ziggler on the way out. Jericho could have chosen to work with an established veteran but instead saw a great worker that was stuck in the middle. Jericho worked just as hard and maybe even harder with Ziggler as he did with Punk. Their match at SummerSlam was arguably the best on the show. By giving Ziggler back the win the following night, Jericho positioned Ziggler to take the next step on his ascension to the main-event.
“They wanted to start the show off with a bang, and I don’t care if I go on first, last, in the middle, whatever. But if I’m going on first, I’m gonna be going out there to make a statement and kick it off with a bang, and I don’t want anybody to be able to follow it. I think the LA crowd was primed; SummerSlam is a big deal, they’ve promoted it and done a great job of making it the second biggest pay-per-view of the year, and the crowd was crazy. And honestly, it’s fun to kind of end off that last run as Y2J, as a good guy, after being the hated heel for basically the better part of four years.”
Jericho didn’t just come back for the big pay day. Jericho came back to do what many of the greats did for him as an up and comer. Jericho came back to help build the future of the WWE. How many other WWE superstars in Jericho’s position would be that selfless? The legacy Jericho has left on this last run with the WWE may have more impact in the long run than anything else Jericho has done in the WWE over the course of 13 years. If more talent in Jericho’s position took his same selfless attitude, the WWE could be in a much better place today.
And for that, I would call Jericho’s WWE run a huge success.
Brock Lesnar hasn’t even been back in the WWE for six months and yet his WrestleMania 29 plans have changed several times. The newest idea involves an old foe, a rematch, and a probable result that is likely to disappoint his fans.
The newest plan on the table is for Triple H to make his return at WrestleMania 29 and wrestle Brock Lesnar in a SummerSlam 2012 rematch. Wrestling Observer’s Dave Meltzer broke the news on his F4Wonline.com podcast Tuesday morning. If Triple H is coming back for revenge, you can almost be assured that the result of the match will be much different than their most recent encounter.
The new idea is big shift from the previous plans for the former UFC and WWE champion. The original plan reported when Brock signed was for Brock to headline WrestleMania against The Rock, presumably in a WWE championship match. Recent rumors suggested the The Undertaker would wind up putting his streak on the line against Lesnar. The Triple H rematch is a bit of a letdown in my opinion from previous ideas.
I would also find it hard to believe that Triple H would not only lose three WrestleMania matches in a row, but lose two in a row to Brock Lesnar. The SummerSlam result and ensuing angle all leads up to Hunter getting his revenge and the win in a rematch. If Brock is leaving after WrestleMania, that isn’t a huge deal. If Brock is staying past WrestleMania it really doesn’t make a lot of sense in my opinion.
Brock signed a reported $5 million deal back in April to rejoin the WWE. WrestleMania 29 would theoretically be the final match on his contract. Reports indicate that Brock is happy with his deal and would likely extend. However, the big question is whether the WWE would extend Brock at his current price or higher? After a disappointing buyrate at Extreme Rules 2012, Brock’s value certainly decreased in the eyes of Vince McMahon. A disappointing buyrate for SummerSlam 2012 could make it difficult for Brock to get the deal he wants as opposed to the deal he is worth.
That is also the other big question here. What if SummerSlam comes back with a disappointing buyrate? My hunch is that a lower buyrate than expected could hurt the chances of a WrestleMania rematch. Yet at the end of the day Triple H is one of the most powerful men in the WWE. If Hunter wants the rematch, I can’t imagine there is much anyone can do to change that.
Is Triple H really the right guy for Brock Lesnar to wrestle at WrestleMania? Remember, they will be supporting The Rock vs. John Cena so the pressure won’t entirely be on them. Personally, I didn’t think their SummerSlam match was anything special and have no desire to see it again. Unfortunately I may have to if I plan on ordering WrestleMania 29.
As I was reading through other wrestling blogs, I came across this one about the potential for the Sheamus and Alberto Del Rio feud to continue. This really baffled me because as I discussed in my first blog, Del Rio has had many chances at the World Heavyweight Championship and continues to fail. This caused me to think more broadly about how WWE gives its superstars rematches and gives its fans the same matches over and over again.
There are times when it is ok for WWE to have rematches and allow feuds to continue and there are times when it is not okay. One recent example of when it was ok was with CM Punk and Daniel Bryan. Punk and Bryan began a feud in May at the Over the Limit pay-per-view. Punk and Bryan would face each other during the next two pay-per-views, No Way Out and Money in the Bank.
However, it should be noted that at No Way Out, Punk and Bryan were joined by Kane to make it a triple threat match. So why was it OK for WWE to have Punk and Bryan face off during three consecutive pay-per-views? Their feud was the center of attention on WWE TV, the inclusion of AJ Lee and Kane in the feud and finally, they are two of (in my opinion) the best wrestlers and superstars in the WWE.
Sheamus and Alberto Del Rio’s feud should not continue for a number of reasons. First of all, No one has ever believed Del Rio would win. There were times during the Punk/Bryan feud, where I thought Daniel Bryan might beat Punk and become WWE Champion. I have never felt this way during the Sheamus and Del Rio feud. Second, their matches are boring to watch. Punk and Bryan put on some of the best matches in 2012.
Sheamus and Del Rio’s matches all look the same. Sheamus starts in control, Del Rio gets control, Sheamus hits the Brogue Kick and it is over. Finally, their storyline has been more boring then their actual matches. Punk and Bryan had Kane and AJ involved in their feuds. Ricardo Rodriguez is the only one who has gotten involved in the Sheamus and Del Rio feud and he has done almost nothing to help the feud.
So when is it ok for WWE to have rematches and for us, the fans, to see the same matches over and over again? I would say when you have quality superstars involved, an interesting storyline and the superstars put on quality matches. We see a lot of midcard superstars in feuds with each other like Ryback and Jinder Mihal, but that is ok because it helps build their characters. However, when you have the same main events for championships and the same outcome each time and the storyline is not built up very well, it is NOT ok!
What do you think? When is it OK for WWE to have rematches and feuds lasting months?
Seth Guttenplan is the writer and editor of GuTTWrenchPowerBlog, a brand new WWE blog. Seth also writes for PWPonderings.com. When Seth is not writing about wrestling, he is a Special Education teacher in New Jersey. To read more from Seth, follow him on twitter ( @sethgutt ) and visit http://guttwrenchpowerblog.com
-So SummerSlam was eh: nothing bad, nothing great, something nice to sit through for three hours without getting bored. By that token, you could lump it in there with the likes of 1989, 1993, 1995, 2005, among others in terms of presentation and quality. I’m happy that Triple H did the big job via submission to Lesnar, and I have a feeling that Punk’s going to chastise him for taking the main event slot for himself. If it leads to Punk making Hunter tap at Survivor Series, then more power to them.
-I’m missing my Eagles’ biggest preseason game tonight to cover Raw, but I’ll be following the stattracker and/or trying to make accurate guesses while winging the Raw rant and simultaneously watching the game. Eric wouldn’t blame me But to get a cheap plug in, here’s my look at what I feel is the biggest Eagles home game of the season, per my work at Football Nation. http://www.footballnation.com/content/philadelphia-eagles-biggest-home-game-the-year/16059/
-WWE Monday Night RAW is live from Fresno, which is Spanish for “suburb”
Opening Segment: Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman
As much as I love the velociraptor wail in Brock’s theme, can’t WWE just license “Enter Sandman” like UFC does for him? According to Michael Cole, Lesnar “broke the spirit of WWE.” HHH is an apparition? Heyman calls the match last night, “uncomfortable to watch.” Well, he’s not lying for a change. He also throws in a passing dig about his commentating superiority over Lawler and Cole. I abide. Anywho, Heyman says that while a torn quad couldn’t stop Hunter, a broken arm could, and Lesnar made HHH quit on everything he holds dear. When you need someone to absolutely, positively emphasize a point until everyone gets it, call Paul E. Heyman doesn’t feel sorry for Triple H, because he wanted a no-DQ, all-out battle, and he got it. Can’t argue with that. Heyman brings Scott Armstrong out, presumably for a WCW Saturday Night ’92 reunion with he, Tommy Gunn and Arachnaman. Can’t Armstrong get his brother’s entrance theme for a night? OH YOU DIDN’T KNOOOW? Apparently, Armstrong agreeing to let the rules be broken is an issue….but Brock thanks him for it. Lesnar is now the new “King of Kings”, says Heyman, and the conqueror of the WWE Universe. Works for me. Segment Rating: 7/10. Good talk for a change; makes Brock look even stronger without corny comedy or anything to undercut his win. When he comes back for his next battle, it’ll be with more momentum than he had after the Cena match.
-CM Punk wants to pick his opponent tonight.
Match 1: Ghana Get Botch vs. Prime Time Dashing
The Tag Team Champs throw merchandise into the crowd, which you’ll remember Demolition used to do as well. Kofi and Young kick it off, which Kofi gets the best of with an elbow to the jaw for 2. Faces take over with a flurry of uninterrupted offense, and Rhodes runs from a Sin Cara dive attempt as we go to commercial. We return to the hot tag, with Truth axing Young for 2. Apparently, Khloe Kardashian is live-tweeting Raw. Either it’s Khloe, or Brodus hasn’t shaved in a week. Rhodes comes in and takes down Truth, while trying to start his own “CODY” chant. Doesn’t take, sadly. O’Neil’s in next, and he overpowers Truth with impunity. PTP get a front suplex on Truth for 2. This is quite a long heat segment; WWE must be low on video packages tonight. Titus slugs Kofi off the apron, but takes a leg lariat from Truth to turn the tide. Cara and Rhodes get the tags, and Sin Cara goes all luchatastic, finishing with a crossbody that Young breaks up. Kofi’s backdropped onto the Players at ringside, and Rhodes goes for Cara’s mask, but gets jackknife cradled and pinned. WINNERS: Ghana Get Botch via jackknife cradle Rating: 4/10. Decent formula match, advancing two B-level feuds. But at least the midcarders have angles: one over gold, the other over a mask. It’s like a territory, practically!
-AJ Lee is confronted by the returning David Otunga. He says ‘crazy’, and that earns him a match.
Match 2: Ryback vs. Mike Spitter/Andy Tavares
The usual happens. Was watching the Eagles. Enjoy your fine, Jermane Cunningham. WINNER: Ryback via the usual Rating: 2/10. Damn it, Fletcher Cox, you can’t tackle him after he’s thrown it!
-I tune in to Jinder Mahal beating up Ryback, who comes back with the backpack stunner. Main event, anywhere the country. Monsoon approves.
-Ziggler wants a rematch with Jericho, and AJ skips in to make one. Jericho’s contract vs. Dolph’s briefcase. Gee, I wonder how this is going to turn out. Actually, Jericho should lose for that stupid hand tattoo. What the hell, Chris? Money just laying around?
-Del Rio isn’t happy about the officiating last night, and he wants a rematch with Sheamus right now. This brings out the rapidly overexposed AJ, who books a match that ADR doesn’t want.
Match 3: Alberto Del Rio vs. Randy Orton
Before the match can even begin, Sheamus makes his way out, because he’s SO HEROIC. Car thief, accepts tainted victories with a smile, etc. I’d sure want my kids to follow his lead. Sheamus joins the commentary table, and Del Rio gets dumped early. Orton does the Garvin Stomp and lands a knee for 2, as Sheamus admits that he exploited a bad decision. HERO. Del Rio comes back with a kick to the head for 2, followed by the MOTHER OF ALL STOMPS, followed by a chinlock. Damn, stealing Orton’s move! Lawler interrupts Cole to make light of the car theft, as I suddenly wish JBL was on Raw. Del Rio mocks Orton with the RKO taunt, but chooses to stomp him instead. Swerved us all. Orton gets his dad’s superplex for 2. Lawler’s stupidity is actually making me hate a show that was looking good. Del Rio wins a slugfest, but Orton comes back with a snap slam. Del Rio avoids the hanging DDT, and lands a kick to the back of head for 2. Orton comes back with the O-Zone backbreaker, but Del Rio comes back with kicks. Cross armbreaker is countered into a neckbreaker for 2. Orton gets the hanging DDT out of the corner, and goes into his unhappy place. Ricardo provides a distraction, and Sheamus accidentally distracts Orton. Backbreaker hits and Sheamus points out to the ref that Orton has his foot on the ropes. An incensed ADR is hit with the RKO, of course. Lawler’s happy, because he doesn’t know that all of us want him to get a serious illness. WINNER: Randy Orton via RKO Rating: 5/10. Decent match tempered by the horrid booking of Sheamus, and Lawler’s general annoyingness.
-Punk demands respect. He’s already got it here.
Match 4: Brodus Clay vs. Damien Sandow
Sandow goes for the leg, but Clay hammers him down. That doesn’t last, as Sandow manages to corner him and hurt the leg, but Clay comes back with strikes and a backdrop. Clay continues the assault with a belly to belly and an elbow drop, as Clay goes back to the old trash talk I missed. Sandow tries to fight back, but Clay gets mad, and avalanches him. Some butt bumps in the corner are followed with a running headbutt, but a second charge misses, and Sandow wins with an underhanded roll-up. Sandow cartwheels afterward, and is subjected to the SHEEEE Plex and the Funk It. What a poor sport. WINNER: Damien Sandow via roll-up Rating: 4/10. Hey, a fun little extended match with two actual personalities.
Via Satellite: Shawn Michaels
Long story short: Shawn thinks he set Triple H up for failure by getting in the way, but he loves Hunter and is proud of him. Sounded like a eulogy.
Match 5: David Otunga vs. Big Show
Weren’t these two allies with Laurinaitis? IN JUNE?!?! Otunga gets killed in a completely one-sided squash, with the Final Cut leading to the WMD. WINNER: Big Show via WMD Rating: 1/10. Zucchini squash.
Match 6: Kane/Zack Ryder vs. The Miz/Daniel Bryan
The real land of the misfit toys, this one. Bryan angrily no’ing that fan is pretty funny. Ryder gets some nifty offense in with a corner knee and a missile dropkick, but Miz soon finds himself on the offensive. Low mafia kick gets 2, and the tag is made to Bryan, who lands some, uh, no knees. Bryan lands a series of vicious kicks for 2. Tag is made to Miz, who expertly double teams with Bryan. Hey, why not make these two a super team for a bit? You can call em “Really, No.” Just as I type that, Bryan accidentally takes Miz out, and Ryder tags Kane, as Miz jumps off the apron, leaving Bryan alone. Bryan bails through the crowd, so Kane kills Ryder in a fit of rage. A production assistant is also assaulted in the fracas. WINNERS: No decision rendered Rating: 3/10. Kinda pointless, really, except for Kane’s push of destruction.
-CM Punk chooses his next contender: John Cena. But there’s a caveat, which Punk will reveal later.
Match 7: Divas Battle Royal for #1 Contendership.
Biggest positive: Layla at ringside in high boots, or Kaitlyn in booty shorts? Aksana and Rosa roll out in an awkward cat fight. Eve’s laying off to the side, so she’s going to steal the win somehow. Call it a hunch. Nice spot as Tamina and Natalya try to suplex Alicia over the top, to no avail. Natalya eliminates herself by accident, followed by Alicia, then Tamina, as it’s down to Eve and Kaitlyn. Well, I’ll be damned, Kaitlyn clotheslines Eve out. Battle of dat a$#! WINNER: Kaitlyn Rating: 1/10. Fully-erect zucchini squash.
-Brock has apparently quit via the evil video service.
-Wade Barrett is coming back. Just give him a new name, like Skylar Durden or something.
-Ziggler and Vickie have a minor spat.
Match 8: Chris Jericho vs. Dolph Ziggler (Contract Match)
I like that AJ puts Jericho’s job on the line for no discernible reason. Then again, what really makes sense in this writing-on-a-cocktail napkin company anymore? Jericho gets a rollup in the opening exchange for 2, and Dolph bails. Jericho with a cradle when Ziggler runs in for 2, and then hard chops follow up. Ziggler takes advantage of a distraction with a right hand, but Jericho manages to backdrop him out, and hits the cross-corner dropkick as we hit break. We return to Ziggler working a chinlock, but Jericho soon escapes and mounts the comeback with a clothesline, followed by a Savage axe handle. Bulldog misses, but Jericho manages to set Dolph up top, and gets 10 punches followed by a Frankenjericho (under arm version) for 2. Ziggler gets a 2 of his own off a DDT. Jericho tries for the Walls, but Dolph spins off, and cradles Jericho for 2. Jericho avoids the Zig Zag and gets the bulldog. Lionsault hits the knees, and the Zig Zag connects to end it. WINNER: Dolph Ziggler via Zig Zag Rating: 6/10. Spirited, shortened version of their match at Summerslam. Have fun with the Fozzy tour, Jericho.
-Afterward, Jericho snatches Dolph’s briefcase and beats Ziggler with it, drawing noticeable boos. Codebreaker follows that up. And uh…..that’s that.
Main Event Interview: CM Punk and John Cena
Punk addresses Lawler, takes exception to the “turned on the WWE Universe” line, and wants an apology. Before Lawler can be held accountable, Cena makes his way out. Punk is tired of taking a backseat to non-champions and we get a vociferous “CENA SUCKS” chant. Punk has to beat Cena for respect, but he knows that beating him might not matter. So the shot is Cena’s….if he admits that Punk is the best in the world. Cena says his relationship with the fans is built on respect, and panders to the local college team to make his point. Cena refuses to bow to Punk’s request, because he has to believe that he’s the best. Cena tries to turn Punk walking out at MITB 2011 as the reason “no one respects him”, and he won’t stroke Punk’s ego. But he offers Punk a chance to beat him in his backyard at Night of Champions, but Cena says he can pick any opponent besides him. Cena walks out, leaving Punk speechless. Then he turns to Lawler and demands that apology he wanted before. Lawler gives a forced apology and goes to leave, but now Punk wants Lawler to admit he’s the best. Lawler refuses, and Punk roundhouses him. Segment Rating: 8/10. Good closing segment with strong speeches from both Punk and Cena. I’m actually more pumped for Night of Champions than I was Summerslam.
Overall: the interminable length of this show is wearing thin on me, as I spent half the last hour arguing with a dude about Vickie Guerrero on Twitter (my take: she needs to go). The closing segment was great, and Heyman’s espousing of Brock was good. The rest was either “standard” or “dull”, which seems to be par for the course these days.
-Well, it’s the twenty-fifth annual Summerslam (not the twenty-fifth anniversary; eat death, Cole), and it’s funny: no one’s wrestling tonight that’s under the age of 31. So much for a youth movement. The greatest Summerslam ever, the 2002 show, had five participants in their twenties (4 of which that have wrestled in the past year and a half: Brock, Rey, Edge, and Christian; the fifth is Test), whereas tonight has five in their forties. Kind of horrifying when you really think about it.
Pre-Show: Santino Marella vs. Antonio Cesaro (United States Championship)
It’s so tragic. Santino and Aksana used to do the exuberant trombone dance together, and now they’re on opposite sides of this C-level house show feud. Tragic I says. Aksana is looking her loveliest tonight, I will say. Santino gets the best of a mat exhibition, and scores a 2 on a headlock roll. Cesaro takes over with corner strikes, but misses a cross corner charge. Out comes the Cobra, but Cesaro strikes before he can slide the sock on. Trapping headbutts connect, followed by a step-in headbutt for 2. Marella tries to get the Cobra, and the drama plays into that, but Cesaro is preventive. Cesaro then DESTROYS THE COBRA, and Santino snaps, going into his finish sequence, but misses the saluting headbutt. Marella avoids being Neutralized, and pulls out the backup Cobra, but an Aksana distraction leads to the Neutralizer and a new champ. WINNER: Antonio Cesaro via Neutralizer (New WWE United States Champion) Rating: **. Fun opener to work the crowd. Cesaro got lots of cheers near the end, which either means the fans want somebody new, or Marella’s worn his welcome out. Or both?
Match 1: Chris Jericho vs. Dolph Ziggler
Jericho opening? That’s just cold. Ziggler gets an insane pop upon his intro. I do like that Jericho has the DDP rib-tape going. Must be part of the Yoga program. Ziggler bails to start, but Jericho manages to get him with a back elbow after Dolph re-enters. Awkward springboard punch from Jericho, and Jericho keeps control until Ziggler escapes a suplex and attacks the ribs. Ziggler takes an insane bump (what else is new?) on a backdrop to the floor, and Jericho follows with a bad bump to the ribs outside. Ziggler brings him in for 2, and then another 2 off a low dropkick to the ribs. Ziggler applies a seated abdominal stretch, and then gets 2 off a Stinger Splash, which could use a new name. Ziggler gets a Rude Awakening, and uses the arrogant cover to get 2. Jericho tries to fight back with chops, and gets the sideways running roll-up for 2, but Dolph grounds him again. Ziggler misses another Stinger, and Jericho low dropkicks him. The rampage ends with another rib shot by Ziggler, but Jericho comes back with a double axe handle. That doesn’t last, as Ziggler hits a Zigg-asser for 2. Oooh, dueling chants. Let’s see if Sheamus and Del Rio get those. Ziggler counters the Walls, but Jericho gets the enzuigiri for 2. It’s funny to hear Lawler cheering Jericho after he made those drunk remarks about Punk’s family in the spring. Ziggler gets a sleeper, but Jericho escapes, and Dolph is stuck up top. An old-timey Frankenjericho connects off the top (with no Gedo botch), for 2. Ziggler then gets 2 off a move I missed when the phone rang. Grrrr. Jericho comes back with the running bulldog, but Ziggler gets the knees on the Lionsault, and Jericho kicks out of the Zig Zag. Codebreaker hits out of nowhere, and Ziggler rolls to the floor. Jericho brings him in, and Vickie interjects herself into Jericho getting cradled for 2. Jericho gets the Walls after Ziggler hits the post, and Ziggler taps. WINNER: Chris Jericho via Walls of Jericho Rating: ***3/4. Good back and forth match, which will probably lead to Jericho leaving, then Ziggler getting the title, followed by Jericho coming back, challenging, and losing. Looks like I’ll be editing my top fifty list soon.
Match 2: Daniel Bryan vs. Kane
Shall we have a continued moment of silence for D-Bry’s dignity? WWE is now sponsored by an anti-drunk driving advocacy group, which would have been far more hilarious if Austin was still champion. Or one of the Hardys. Bryan tries to play cat-and-mouse, but Kane slams him and hits a low kick for 2. Crowd chants for Bryan, in spite of WWE’s attempts to kill our spirits. Lawler and Cole seem to have a loss of words. Bryan works the leg, and kicks at it, and Kane chucks him over the top to express displeasure. Cole chastises the fans for yesing, trying to twist the fans’ intent around. Of course. Bryan mounts a comeback, hitting a missle dropkick for 1. Yep, 1. Bryan kicks at Kane, but misses the last one and gets clotheslined (doing the Jannetty sell). Side slam gets 2. Kane connects on the top rope clothesline, but Bryan avoids the chokeslam. Kane slugs Bryan, and Bryan slugs back, annoying Kane greatly. Kane loses his temper, and Bryan manages to drop him, hitting the rope kick. Bryan can’t get the Lebell Lock, but lands a sick buzzsaw kick. Bryan tries a diving headbutt, but Kane clasps the throat and chokeslams him. Kane wants more, and tries a tombstone, but Bryan cradles him and wins! WINNER: Daniel Bryan via inside cradle Rating: **1/4. Decent match. I love that, according to WWE, the fans cheering Bryan may be costing him matches. They’re the only company that teaches fans not to be happy.
-Kane goes on a backstage rampage, and Josh Mathews is mauled for daring question him.
Match 3: The Miz vs. Rey Mysterio (WWE Intercontinental)
Rey missed WrestleMania, so he’s Batman tonight. Miz drops him with a shoulder block, but Rey comes back with a unique pin attempt for 2. Miz shoots Rey to the floor under the ropes, but Rey impressively rolls through to his feet. Rey tries the front cradle bulldog on the outside, but Miz drops him on the rail instead. Miz locks on a chinlock snare inside, as I fear we may be pressed for time. Miz tries a back suplex, but Rey lands on top for 2, and Miz comes back with a reverse torture rack compactor for 2. Finally, a new move from Miz! Rey is floored by a clothesline that Miz hits from his knees (insert height joke) for 2, and follows with the corner clothesline. Rey crotches Miz up top, dropping him to the mat, and Rey gets a top rope seated senton. Miz fights back with a slingshot powerbomb for 2. Miz stalls a bit, misses the running back, and is rolled up for 2. Rey then follows with a hard kick for 2. Miz catches Rey, but Rey spins out with a twisting DDT for 2. Miz crotches Rey up top, but Rey headbutts him down, and ranas him into the ropes. 619 hits, but misses the dime. Skull Crush is countered into a front cradle for 2. Rey misses a corner leap, and Miz crushes his skull to retain. WINNER: The Miz via Skull Crushing Finale (Still WWE Intercontinental Champion) Rating: ***. Slow in spots, exciting in others. I like that Miz is changing his moveset up to avoid being as one-dimensional as he’d become. Rey can sleepwalk through great matches these days.
-CM Punk has a powwow with AJ, who tunes out when Punk goes into his respect speech. I wonder where the whole unhinged act will go, actually.
Match 4: Sheamus vs. Alberto Del Rio (World Heavyweight)
As Scott Keith would say, “Be a Star, Steal a Car.” Collar and elbow struggle leads to both men tumbling over the top to start. ADR kicks Sheamus in the head as he reenters the ring. Cole notes that Del Rio calls Sheamus a “peasant.” I thought he was saying “pissant?” Sheamus gets a rolling senton for 2, as the crowd seems to be cooling off. The turnbuckle pad is loosened during a skirmish, and Sheamus crotches himself after a missed Brogue Kick, and ADR knees him off the apron. Sheamus is shoved into the steel steps during the brawl, and Del Rio lands a top rope strike for 2. Ricardo works the crowd during a chinlock, actually adding heat to the match. Del Rio drops Sheamus with a mafia kick for 2, and adds the STOMP TO END ALL STOMPS. Sheamus lands a few headbutts, but Del Rio knees him in the gut, begins doing the “Brogue” taunt. Sheamus sledges him on the kick attempt, but misses a corner charge, hitting the shoulder. Del Rio gets his armbreaker drop off the top for 2. Del Rio gets the Cross Armbreaker after a series of counters, to a mixed reaction, and Sheamus breaks it with an impressive dead lift powerbomb. Sheamus hits White Noise, but only for 2. Sheamus can’t get the Brogue Kick, but does manage to weaken ADR with the Dublin Clubs. Sheamus hammers him in the corner, but Del Rio drops him on the exposed buckle, and lands a hard kick for 2. Del Rio takes his anger out on Ricardo, and Sheamus bashes him with his shoe during the confusion. Irish Curse connects, and Sheamus wins, despite Del Rio’s foot being on the rope. Crowd boos the HELL out of that finish. WINNER: Sheamus via Irish Curse (Still World Heavyweight Champion) Rating: **. Sheamus is the worst hero since Jack Shepard. Period.
Match 5: Ghana Get Got vs. Prime Time Players (WWE Tag Team)
AW’s accusations of racism over the last few days have me no longer in his corner. I know he’s rightfully frustrated, but he’s weak if that’s his argument. Truth ain’t flunking around, beating the crap out of Young at the bell. These two main evented Summerslam 2010, you know. The “Kobe Bryant” chant makes me smile. Titus mauls Truth, and barks like Patrice O’Neal on Chappelle Show. Truth drops O’Neil with a high kick, and Kofi gets the tag, and goes all CONTROLLED FRENZY on Titus with the Boom Drop. Young distracts on Trouble, and Titus manages to escape the ring. Kofi is clotheslined outside during the fracas. O’Neil gets the unconventional drop powerslam for 2. Since 2004, this is only the second tag team title match at Summerslam, which makes me sad. Kofi reverses a Young back suplex into a crossbody for 2. O’Neil gets the tag, and he hooks Kofi in the IRS Memorial Abdominal Stretch. Hook the ropes for balance, Titus! Kofi manages to faceplant Titus on a Gun Slinger attempt, and Young and Truth get the tags. Truth lays him out with the Lie Detector, followed by the Hat Rack Crack for 2, broken up by Titus. Titus is lowbridged to the floor, and Kofi lands a leaping cross body. Young rolls Truth up for 2, and Truth counters with Little Jimmy to retain. WINNERS: Ghana Get Got via Little Jimmy (Still WWE Tag Team Champions) Rating: **1/4. Enjoyable little match. Just keep the stream of teams coming; even if GGG keeps retaining, someone’s bound to stick on as a legit team.
Match 6: CM Punk vs. John Cena vs. Big Show (WWE Championship)
Of course Punk’s not on last; what else is new? I have a feeling this will become part of the angle. Crowd’s pretty pro-Punk methinks. Show is unable to be chopped down early, overpowering both Cena and Punk. Extra loud slap off Cena’s chest was worth the silence. A few more for both men gives the crowd a chance to wooo a bit. The two smaller fighters try to double team, but Show suplexes both of them. Always a fun spot. Cena’s dumped, and Punk dropkicks Show’s knee out to turn the tide. Punk tries to GTS Show, and gets him up, but Show fights out. Cena tries the AA, and the pile collapses. Show’s back to being the aggressor, doing the Andre stand on Punk’s back. Cena’s dropped to the floor, and Show has Punk 1 on 1. Show misses an avalanche, but catches Punk’s springboard, hitting a Final Cut. Cena prevents the WMD, but Show spears him for 2. Show gets a pump splash on Cena, which Punk avoided, and it’s he who breaks the pin. The fight spills outside, where Punk is trampolined off the ropes and back to the floor. Cena and Show fight back inside, and Show lands a side suplex for 2. Punk throats Show on the ropes, and Cena lands a back suplex. Cena goes for the 5KS, and Punk lands a flying clothesline. Punk snaps into a flying elbow for 2, with Show throwing him off. Punk locks Show in a Koji Clutch, but Show escapes. Cena goes all shoulder blocky on Show, and applies an STF. Show piggybacks his way out, and Punk lands a flying clothesline on him. 3 corner knees hit Show, but Show avoids the bulldog. Cena lands the flying leg, and both men apply the STF and Kofi Clutch. Show taps, but we have no winner. AJ skips her way out, and Punk wants the fans to decide, because he’s smart. So the match is restarted. Show chokeslams both men, and covers Cena for 2, then Punk for 2. Cena AA’s Show, Punk tosses him, and covers Show to retain! WINNER: CM Punk via John Cena’s AA (Still WWE Champion) Rating: ***1/4. Some nice triple threat-friendly spots, and it made for an entertaining, if not classic, match. Of course, this gives Cena an out for a rematch, but still. Punk wins!
-Kevin Rudolf sings to waste time
Main Event: Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar
Can HHH/Lesnar outdraw Mir/Lesnar? Somehow, I have my doubts. Special dimmed light intros for both men (couldn’t they get Bruce Buffer for a night?). Lesnar gets the best of the opening struggle, and tries for a kimura, but Hunter’s so manly that he won’t tap. HHH comes back and clotheslines Lesnar to the outside, but Brock comes back for more. Hunter lands a high knee, and clotheslines Brock out the other side. Lesnar regroups, and removes the four-ounce gloves. S—t’s real, son. Lesnar drops Hunter and gets a rabbit punch. Cole actually knew that it’s a point off in UFC. Lesnar drops Hunter on the table arm first. Back into the ring, where Lesnar continues the onslaught on the arm. This goes on for a bit, as I not so secretly wish this was real. HHH is sent into the post arm first, as Brock keeps teasing the kimura. HHH avoids the F5, but not the ensuing German suplex throw. Hunter lands a DDT with the bad arm after a brawl, ignored by everyone. Lesnar tries again for the kimura, which the crowd begins to show restlessness, and slams him on the arm again. Cena-Lesnar this ain’t. To the floor where Hunter is sent hard into the stairs. Lesnar tips the Spanish table over, and lands a leaping clubbing blow off of it. Back inside, Hunter tries to fight back, but Brock lays him out with a clothesline after an irish whip. Crowd is dying. Hunter blocks a suplex, and comes back with one of his own. Brock blocks the Pedigree, and Lesnar sends him over the post. Brock clutches his gut in an awkward spot, as I’m hoping the diverticulitis isn’t involved. He actually says, “Oh my stomach.” Seems to be a part of the match, as Cole and Lawler bring up his stomach issues casually. Hunter works the gut in the ring with knees, about 20 of them, and Brock collapses. HHH lands the spinebuster, and then the Pedigree for 2. Lesnar FINALLY gets the kimura locked in, and Hunter hangs in there, getting to the ropes. Pedigree connects again, but Brock springs to life and applies the kimura. Lesnar snaps the arm, and Hunter taps! WINNER: Brock Lesnar via Kimura
Rating: **3/4. Pretty dull match, although hard hitting. Nowhere near the level of excitement of the Cena match, but at least WWE put Lesnar over. I wonder who they’re saving him for?
-Hunter gets the walk-off moment, as he refuses medical treatment. The crowd chants “YOU TAPPED OUT” at him. Screw it, now it’s ***1/2, just because the crowd made me proud. Hunter gets a very mixed reaction when he stands up and walks out. Cole intimates that this is HHH’s last match, as Hunter waves to the crowd as he leaves.
OVERALL: Nothing terrible, and lots of fun matches (particularly Dolph/Jericho), but nothing blowaway. Still, it’s something I could watch again without getting bored. I’m just glad, in the end, that Hunter did the right thing and swallowed his pride, especially if he insisted on going on last.
The 2012 WWE SummerSlam is upon us and don’t let anyone kid you, this is a one-match show. Former UFC champion Brock Lesnar returns to the WWE ring for a match with Triple H, while CM Punk, John Cena, and The Big Show offer support in the semi.
Maybe it is me but there is something missing about this year’s SummerSlam. There have been many “one-match” SummerSlam events in the past but this one is a bit different. Even the WWE championship match seems like an afterthought. The Game and the former WWE and UFC champion will have a tough task living up to the hype on Sunday night.
Brock Lesnar vs. Triple H with Shawn Michaels in his corner
This is SummerSlam right here in one match. Lesnar will be wrestling only his second WWE match since returning to the company in April while Triple H will only be wrestling his second match in that same time span. Hunter will look for revenge for his attack as well as the Heartbreak Kid’s, while Lesnar hopes to get his first win on his new WWE deal.
It is hard to expect a Lesnar vs. Cena match out of these two. I don’t know if Hunter has the same motivation for such a match as Cena did. I am a Triple H fan and I do think he is highly underrated thanks to political misgivings by the IWC. However, one thing I will say is that he has a stubborn tendency to crowbar the match he wants as opposed to what works best for his opponent’s strengths and weaknesses. See Scott Steiner vs. Triple H as a great example of that. I just don’t know if Hunter has the humility to get the best out of Brock.
I cannot even fathom Brock losing this match, although I think he may. The storyline here has seen Brock get the upper hand twice on Hunter. Could Hunter show up, give a good fight, and fail to extract revenge? The Sweet Chin Music finish seems all too obvious here. As a matter of a fact I got the feeling watching the last two weeks of RAW that something is brewing for a Brock vs. Shawn Michaels match at WrestleMania but that is just a hunch. Regardless I am going to go with the rational logic here and predict Brock beating Hunter although all of the writing on the wall is telling me otherwise. I also expect Stephanie McMahon to get involved somehow either during or after the match.
John Cena vs. CM Punk vs. The Big Show Triple Threat Match for the WWE championship
I can’t recall a WWE championship on a SummerSlam show that seemed less significant than this one. The build up for this has been horrible. I still don’t quite understand the point of the match after Cena lost his MITB match and Show lost at MITB. How do they logically wind up in a WWE title match on the third biggest event of the year? Welcome to WWE uncreative 2012.
I think Punk plays the match as a babyface but winds up using some kind of heel tactic to win in the end. Maybe Show and Cena collide and Punk steals a cheap pin? I also think that the door is left open here for a Punk vs. Cena match at either the next pay per view or the one after. I’d like to think that Show vs. Cena is coming to an end but something tells me different as well. I would not be utterly shocked to see a scenario where Cena does win the belt and Dolph Ziggler cashes in immediately thereafter and takes the title setting up a Cena vs. Dolph program for the fall. I know Ziggler technically won the world heavyweight title match but again, it wouldn’t surprise me.
Sheamus vs. Alberto Del Rio for the WWE world heavyweight title
It’s on, it’s off, it’s on, it’s off, and now the WWE world heavyweight title match is back on. After pleading with Booker T on SmackDown, Sheamus has gotten his match back with Alberto Del Rio. The two will rematch from last month’s WWE pay per view which saw Sheamus defeat the former WWE champion with a Brogue Kick.
I don’t know the point of doing a rematch unless Del Rio is going over. I would be surprised to see it since the brass seem to be behind Sheamus, but why have a rematch to get the same result? I am going to go out on a limb here and predict Del Rio defeats Sheamus and becomes new WWE world heavyweight champion at SummerSlam.
Chris Jericho vs. Dolph Ziggler
Here is a match that I am excited about. I have become a big Ziggler fan over the last year and a half so seeing him pushed is something that gets my attention. I think this is the perfect step for Ziggler to take en route to the WWE championship. Jericho is perfect in this kind of a role and I have to think that these two are going to knock it out of the park.
Jericho will be leaving the WWE for awhile shortly. The betting line here would be Ziggler getting the win with Jericho leaving. However, I could see a scenario where Jericho wins and sets up a title program with Ziggler vs. Jericho when he returns. I’ll go with Jericho getting the win here for those reasons, although Ziggler by all rights should be kept strong for his eventual title run.
Rey Mysterio vs. The Miz for the WWE intercontinental title
One year ago The Miz and Rey Mysterio were wrestling for the WWE championship on RAW and now they are wrestling for the intercontinental title at SummerSlam. I have never been a fan of The Miz and anyone who reads the CCB regularly is probably well aware of that. On the other hand, I have been a big Mysterio fan for years so hopefully this match meets somewhere in the middle.
I think this is a fine, short match, but nothing that will showcase Mysterio the way I’d like to see him. The WWE seems to have some kind of renewed interest in pushing The Miz right now so I’d be surprised if he lost. I look for The Miz to win and hold on to the title at least until The Marine arrives and bombs at the box office.
Daniel Bryan vs. Kane
Can you think of a better way to waste the best talent on the roster right now? No I am not talking about Kane, I am talking about Daniel Bryan. I will say this about Bryan. He got some really fun matches out of The Big Show, so I don’t put it past him to get something great out of Kane. Unfortunately Bryan has turned into the laughing stock of the WWE and I would be shocked to see him get the win here. I am predicting a Kane win and outrage all over the Internet!
I should point out that Charlie Sheen was originally booked to do something here with Daniel Bryan. However, I haven’t heard any mention of Sheen being at SummerSlam in a few weeks. He may still show up, but I have to think at this point the WWE doesn’t even know if he will be there.
WWE SummerSlam 2012 matches & card…
Triple H (with Shawn Michaels) vs. Brock Lesnar (with Paul Heyman)
CM Punk vs. Big Show vs. John Cena Triple Threat match for the WWE Championship
Sheamus vs. Alberto Del Rio for the WWE world heavyweight title
Kane vs. Daniel Bryan
Dolph Ziggler (with Vickie Guerrero) vs. Chris Jericho
The Miz vs. Rey Mysterio for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
R-Truth and Kofi Kingston vs. The Prime Time Players (Titus O’Neil and Darren Young) for the WWE Tag Team Championship
Pre-show Santino Marella (c) vs. Antonio Cesaro (with Aksana) for the WWE United States Championship
As WWE calls it, the “Biggest Party of the Summer,” also known as “Summer Slam” will take place this Sunday, August 19, 2012 at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. In my opinion, it is a bit lame to have Summer Slam in L.A. again for the past three years, and it is going to be in L.A permanently, from my understanding, just so Vince can hobnob with Hollywood, it is even MORE lame. Anyway, the push for the matches, with the exception of ONE match has been so lackluster, I nearly forgot the PPV was this Sunday.
Regardless, I will be giving my readers my Preview and Predictions for the PPV.
Youtube Match: For the United States Championship: Santino (C) vs Cesaro
I honestly could care less about this match. The feud has been awful. I really don’t get Cesaro’s gimmick at all. Are fans supposed to be impressed that Cesaro can speak five languages. Santino is good with the comedy, and I suspect this may just be a throwaway match.
Prediction: Santino retains his US Title
WWE Intercontinental champion The Miz vs. Rey Mysterio
Where did THIS match come from? I must have missed the promotion of this match, unless it was announced on Smackdown,and I passed it while fast forwarding it on my DVR last night. Anyway, sounds like a last minute thing. The match itself should be pretty good.
Prediction: Miz retains his IC belt.
WWE Tag Team champions Kofi Kingston & R-Truth vs. The Prime Time Players
Well, from the way these two were confronting one another, I thought this match would be put on the card. The build was alright. Of course, the Prime Time Players had AW in their corners, and due to him being fired, it will be interesting to see if the PTP can get over on their own. This should be a passable match. May see a title switch, but I don’t think so.
Prediction: R Truth, and Kingston retain
Daniel Bryan vs. Kane
Didn’t we just have an angle between Bryan and Kane some time ago? WWE Creative either are losing their collective memory, or they love to rehash story lines. Anyway, not too many people can have a good match with Kane. I think Bryan can.
Prediction: Usually, at the beginning of a program, the heel wins the first bout, but who is the heel in this match? I will go with Daniel Bryan winning.
Chris Jericho vs. Dolph Ziggler
The buildup has been very good for this match. I think both Jericho, and Ziggler have been doing great jobs building this match up. You have Ziggler, the young upstart telling the elder statesman, Chris Jericho that he (Jericho) does not have it anymore, and can not win the big matches anymore. On top of that, Jericho is (story line) beat up from the attack from Friday’s Smackdown, and WWE.com (again, story line) says that Jericho is “less than 100%,” so I am sure that will come into play in the match. I do wish though that WWE would separate Ziggler from Vickie. Ziggler does not need her “services” any longer, and her act is getting old. My opinion only. However, this match should be one of the matches of the night, despite Jericho not being “100%.”
Prediction: This one is tough to call. WWE could go in a few directions, such as have Jericho win, and have Ziggler take him out on Raw the next night, and Jericho goes on to do his Fozzy gig, as Jericho did say he was taking another leave of absence. However, I am just going to predict that Dolph Ziggler is going to pin Jericho clean in the middle of the ring with his Zig Zig move.
World champion Sheamus vs. Alberto Del Rio
This feud is doing absolutely nothing for me. I like both men, but man is this feud a snoozer. There is no creativity behind it. They have, much like the Edge/Kane feud a couple of year back, the baby face, Sheamus acting like a heel when he took Del Rio’s car, and trashed it. On Smackdown, when Del Rio got revenge with those “cops,” Smackdown GM, Booker T called off the match, and removed Del Rio. Now, Del Rio is back in the match by defeating a compromised Jericho who was attacked by Ziggler prior to the match. Well, what was the purpose of the whole exercise then? Why cancel the match, only to reinstate it? Logic WWE. LOGIC!!! Anyway, the match should be pretty decent.
Prediction: I could care less who wins, so I will go out on a limb and say Sheamus retains.
WWE champion CM Punk vs. John Cena vs. Big Show
The buildup for this match can be describe as, “Anything you can do, I can do better.” What I mean is that the three participants took turns trying to stand tall over the other two on Monday Night Raw. I mean, the buildup for his has been blah. I really do not have a huge interest in this match. I don’t mind Triple Threats, as long as there are three guys in the ring that can do a great job. We have CM Punk, and John Cena when motivated. As for Show, forget about it, he is slow in the ring, and just can’t work even a good match anymore.
Prediction: Well, I know he is getting a push as a monster heel, but Show’s days as a main event talent are long gone, so I think he can be eliminated. It comes down to whether Punk’s reign will continue, or I am going to have to endure a boring Umpteenth WWE/World Title reign by John Cena. I predict Punk retains his belt.
Brock Lesnar with Paul Heyman vs. Triple H
I mention this match last because seriously, this PPV is a one match show. This match is the ONLY match that has gotten ANY seriously huge push. It is Brock Lesnar w/ Paul Heyman vs the Game, Triple H. This SHOULD be the match of the night. The buildup has been awesome, and a lot of the credit goes to Lesnar’s mouthpiece, Paul Heyman. Heyman has been incredible. He has helped Lesnar to get over, and even so, Lesnar looks like a star as well. HHH has been awesome in this feud too. Fans know that WWE Hall of Famer, and arguably one of the best, if not the best wrestlers ever, Shawn Michaels was supposed to be in HHH’s corner for the PPV. However, those plans went out the window when Lesnar (story line) “broke” Shawn’s arm, and WWE.com reported that HBK could not be at Summer Slam. What will Triple H do now that he is alone? This is very intriguing.
Prediction: Much like the Ziggler/Jericho match, there are several ways to go about the finish. HHH could lose clean to Brock, and have the out that HBK was not there. HBK, who was a bit mad at HHH after the attack could come back and screw HHH out of the win either on purpose, or “by accident, but really on purpose.” I could see HBK not being there due to the “injury,” and either guy beat the other clean. However, I will go out on a limb and predict that HBK does get involved, and Triple H pins Lesnar with the Pedigree, and gets the 1 2 3.
Well, that is my preview, and predictions for Summer Slam. I hope you enjoyed it.
WWE SummerSlam 2012 matches & card…
Triple H (with Shawn Michaels) vs. Brock Lesnar (with Paul Heyman)
CM Punk vs. Big Show vs. John Cena Triple Threat match for the WWE Championship
Sheamus vs. Alberto Del Rio for the WWE world heavyweight title
Kane vs. Daniel Bryan
Dolph Ziggler (with Vickie Guerrero) vs. Chris Jericho
The Miz vs. Rey Mysterio for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
R-Truth and Kofi Kingston vs. The Prime Time Players (Titus O’Neil and Darren Young) for the WWE Tag Team Championship
Pre-show Santino Marella (c) vs. Antonio Cesaro (with Aksana) for the WWE United States Championship
“Ladies and gentlemen of the WWE Universe, my name is JH and I am the owner of Jaw Hurled Promotions, and tonight, I would like to introduce to you the future of Monday Night Raw reviews! Hashtag all hypocrisy, hash tag zero democracy, I am the man with the plan that’ll slay ya, because on behalf of the fired AW, I am your PRIME! TIME! PLAYA!”
(Yes, out of protest of AW being scapegoated when so many others (read: Vince’s favorites) have messed up royal, I am reviewing this entire three hour go-home show as an AW clone. FIGHT THE POWER! And vote Chris Shays!)
-WWE Monday Night RAW is live from Dallas, TX. “Linda McMahon is like the Dallas Cowboys in the playoffs! Can’t win anything anymore!”
-Awww, yeah, go get em, Outasight! Nickelback is like the Attitude Era; they’re the past, and we don’t acknowledge the past unless it’s convenient!
Match 1: CM Punk vs. Big Show (non title)
Punk, attaboy Punk! You jerk that curtain! Punk’s like Rick Santorum, putting moronic kids to sleep at 8 PM! Punk kicks away, get em Punk, get em! Then Show comes back, because he’s a giant, and he got to make a Kobe joke long before AW did! AW thought that set a precedent, but since that happened before July 2012, Vince doesn’t remember it! WWE is so benevolent, giving away a third of the Summerslam main event tonight. Buyrates must be so high that they’re willing to take chances, people. Punk fights back, because WWE decided he’s a babyface this week. Then he gets bodyslammed, because Show is BIG. Show’s like Fred Durst, he’s been around 13 years and people are caring less and less! Yeah, Show, you work that generic hoss offense! Just don’t make any more rape jokes, or you may get fired in ten days! Unless Chris Shays wins tomorrow, then forget it. JH is your man when it comes to politics! Punk with clotheslines and a corner knee! Then Show spears him! Lemme get my $50 out now. And here comes Daniel Bryan, because we love to take organic heroes and make them look like idiots. Zack Ryder knows what I mean! Bryan’s like Linda McMahon; he should just get used to losing! Bryan causes the DQ, and No Locks Punk, and Show helps, so Cena saves because he’s a BENEVOLENT SUPER HERO! One who made flamer jokes at Justin Gabriel! HEROIC! Then AJ comes out, and this crowd is deader than an HGH freak before age 40! AJ does something TOTALLY UNPREDICTABLE and books Bryan and Show vs. Cena and Punk. That’s never happened before! JH Rating: It was like WBF Bodystars: pointless and short-lived!
-Yeah, you tell em JTG! You fight for air time! I hope they don’t bury you for complaining about your WrestleMania payoff!
Match 2: JTG vs. Ryback
Ha ha, Cole says JTG complained about being booked, when it was about a payoff! Cole lies like he’s at a WWE stockholder meeting! Job, JTG, job, attaboy! Uh oh, JTG gets token offense, but it’s all just a front for Ryback killing him! Way to swerve the fans, WWE. Then my man JTG, he gets KILLED with an unsafe powerbomb! Take your $2000 and be happy, Just Too Gangsta! Ooops, the Not-Jackhammer finishes. Ha, you know it’s bad when Cole makes fun of the heel for daring to tweet his legit anger! JH Rating: That match was like Roddy Piper’s 2003 run: depressing, and politically motivated!
-Ya’ll get to choose who’s in Piper’s Pit outta Jericho, Miz, and Dolph. THE ILLUSION OF CHOICE!
-Cesaro gonna kill it on the pre-show while Piper and HBK hog valuable air time! Welcome to the food chain, Claudio! There’s a difference between being a Superstar and being ON Superstars!
-Hey, it’s Slater! Loser gimmicks ALWAYS work! Right, Zack? Yeah boy!
Match 3: R-Truth vs. Heath Slater
This is 1/7 of the main event of Summerslam 2010, not that anybody here remembers! Vince McMahon has the brain of Al Davis, and that’s the corpse version! Truth hits his finish and Cole ignores it, because it’s so non-descript! Then again, that’s true about many things. HEY, THE BOYS ARE HERE! HASHTAG WIN IT FOR AW! MILLIONS AND BILLIONS BABY! JH Rating: That match was like like the WWE Network: forgotten about in a matter of seconds!
-Yo, JH is gonna tag out for a bit while my man Michael Cole takes over. I’ll be back sooner than John Cena after a loser-leaves match!
-Mark Henry Tout Olympics Jersey Shore Star Social Media Social Media Pauly D We’re Relevant Please Like Us We’re Relevant Social Media Social Media WWE is #1 Tout Tout Tout GODDAMNIT WHY ARE YOU NOT ON TOUT YET, ASSHOLE?!?!
-Sheamus steal car another Tout plug another Tout plug homogenization of a babyface who was once a bad ass heel Sheamus Sheamus Sheamus buy his merchandise he’s on Twitter here are some incorrect facts about Sheamus to make myself look smart Vince is telling me to plug Tout I love Tout Tout is lord.
-Cole’s tagging out, because Cole can’t do two things at once. Or even one thing at once. I now turn this review over to Jim Ross, even though he’s FAT and has an A$# DISEASE.
Match 3: Sin Cara vs. Tensai
Well by gawd, this Sin Cara has made quite a name for himself in Mexico, although we’re forced to call him Sin Cara instead of Mistico, because my boss is an insecure Jezebel who needs to own the names of his performers. Ask Curt Hennig’s son how that works out. But I don’t have a dog in that hunt, let’s call some fast paced action! This Tensai, he’s a big horse, but he needs to focus on the prize and pursue, not dream and miss out. Cat-like quickness by Cara, but bah gawd, Tensai flattens him like a locomotive! Cara with a nice senton, and what impact on that enzuigiri! TORNADO DDT! TORNADO DDT! And Tensai, he’s taking his anger out on Sakamoto! Tensai needs some Sanka! JR Sez: It was a short slobberknocker, but a spirited one. Sin Cara’s got the tools necessary to build the tree house, but he can’t sleep in the hammock; the kid has to get it done!
JR also Sez: “BAH GAWD STOP WITH THE HASHTAG S—T”
-JR defers to JH once more
-I was away for 20 minutes, the equivalent of 40 Divas matches! Equal opportunity employers, that WWE!
Piper’s Pit with Chris Jericho
Jericho and I have something in common: we’re the only 2 people who remember his 2003 feud with Piper! As well as Piper’s 1994 feud with Lawler! I doubt Lawler remembers. Vickie interrupts Piper’s senile rambling and brings Ziggler out for witty repartee. Piper tells them to save it for Sunday. Vince is all “zuh?” And now Miz is here. LET’S ALL CUT THE SAME PROMOS. Jericho cleans house, which means he’s losing Sunday. JH Rating: Jericho’s like American Idol: he has no problem helping produce tomorrow’s losers!
Match 5: Chris Jericho vs. The Miz vs. Dolph Ziggler (non title)
Impromptu matches are like McMahon Family involvement: no longer novel after 1999! And speaking of no longer novel, there’s a Pauly D reference! Because to hell with the workers! Let’s just bombard the audience with a million pointless amenities that they have to remember! GET EM….SOMEBODY! I don’t know, I’ve seen this match a million times before. But not Vince: even if he’s seen it, IT’S NEW TO HIM. Hey, one heel stopped the other from winning! HE FEIGNS SURPRISE BECAUSE HE THINKS IT MATTERS. It’s commercial time, so I’m gonna tag out.
-Tag is made to 1995 Vince McMahon
ALRIGHT, WE’RE BACK WITH MORE MONDAY NIGHT RAW HERE ON USA! And Chris Jericho finds himself in a precarious position, ladies and gentlemen, as The Miz with a knee to the midsection. And now he’s choking him—CMONREFEREEGETINTHEREDISQUALIFYHIM. And Miz covers-THATSHOULDDOITAND—no, only 2. I thought for SURE he had him! Miz now, taking advantage of a weakened Jericho, sitting on the small of the back. Jericho fighting back, there’s a chop! And another! To the buckle and….OHH, Miz lands in a bad way. Jericho now….WHAT A MANEUVER ON ZIGGLER! AND A WHAT A MANUEVER ON MIZ! LIONSAULT! 1-2-HE GOT EM! No, Jericho breaks the pin and takes down Ziggler….OHHH, WHAT A BAD LANDING FOR THE MIZ! Jericho setting him up now, could be the superpl—HERE COMES ZIGGLER ANDDDDDDDD…..ALL THREE MEN ARE DOWN! WHAT A TWO MANUEVERS! Ziggler now covers and….NO! Off the ropes and….OHH, DROPS JERICHO! 1-2-3! 3! 3! NO, only 2! Whew, this action is fast and furious! Miz with Ziggler, SKULL CRUSHING FINALE. THAT SHOULD DO IT AND—no, Jericho saves! Jericho with Miz now….HE’S GOT THE WALLS AND—no, Miz manages to escape! Ziggler in—CODEBREAKER ON ZIGGLER! C’MON JERICHo, COVER HIM IF YOU CAN! 1-2-NO!!! VICKIE WITH THE FOOT ACROSS THE ROPE! The referee needs to do something about this! Miz with a rollup AND—ONLY 2. ZIGGLER WITH THE ZIG ZAG ON JERICHO, 1 2 AND HE GETS HIM! THIS TIME THERE’S NO EXAGGERATION! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT, CHRIS JERICHO HAD THAT MATCH WON, KING! Shirtless Cena Rating: 2 out of 5. NOT ENOUGH MUSCLES!
-SHAWN MICHAELS AND JOHN CENA TOGETHER! I NEED A SEAMSTRESS TO FIX THE FRONT OF MY CANARY BLUE PANTS—and WAITAMINNIT Punk ruins it. And indeed, CM Punk has killed my man-b#@r to the extent that it cannot regrow itself. DISQUALIFY HIM REFEREE.
-1995 Vince tags plain old Justin Henry, who has grown tired of the gimmicks, as have you.
-Wade Barrett continues to talk about Fight Club
Match 6: Layla/Kaitlyn vs. Beth Phoenix/Eve Torres
I come back in time to see the WORST SUNSET FLIP EVER from Layla. At least I have her and Kaitlyn to stare at. Layla lands a crossbody on Eve for 2, and follows up with an ass bump to the face. I approve. Kaitlyn comes to land a backbreaker for 2, but Eve takes her off the top with a leg drag. Beth kills Kaitlyn for a while as I fight sleep. Sorry Eric, I’m trying. Kaitlyn finishes Beth with a reverse cradle. WINNER: Layla/Kaitlyn via rolling reverse cradle Rating: 2/10. Uhh….I like Kaitlyn?
Match 7: John Cena/CM Punk vs. Big Show/Daniel Bryan
I’m fading. Just get to Shawn and Lesnar doing something. And yes, Punk enters before Cena, just because. Cena takes Bryan down with a shoulder block, and then Punk tags himself in. Punk takes care of Bryan in short order, and Cena tags himself back in. Bryan refuses to tag out, so Cena outwrestles him. Bryan finally tags Show, who headbutts Cena down. Maybe Cena questioned him about a condom receipt. Cena fights back, but is dropped hard as he tried a shoulder block, and we go to commercial. And we come back to Cena still being down, courtesy of Show dominance, including a butt-avalanche. Show bearhugs Cena and Bryan does a self-tag. The heels argue, and Bryan misses a corner charge because he’s a loser. Punk brings himself in, and he kicks Bryan’s ass with more ease than he has all year. CONSISTENCY. Like when Show comes back, and he kills Punk. This is as predictable as the last two seasons of SVU. Show bearhugs Punk, because no one’s killing themselves before Sunday. Punk is virtually dead, so here comes Bryan again, and Show just goes to watch from ringside. And of course, Punk takes Bryan down, despite being dead. Punk hits Bryan with Cena’s moves, including the Five Knuckle Shuff-no, Cena tags himself in. High knee and bulldog from Cena. So Punk leaves. Bryan gets a surprise roll-up for 2, and Cena AA’s him to win. WINNERS: John Cena and CM Punk via AA Rating: 5/10. I don’t know, I’m just not all that excited for Sunday. Especially watching Bryan be b*tch boy to the stars.
-Show runs in to get Cena, so Punk runs back in and belts him with the…..belt. Punk offers Cena a handshake, and Cena just stares him down, so Punk leaves all pissed off.
Match 8: Damien Sandow vs. Christian
I don’t even know who to cheer for. Sandow drops Christian and lands an elbow for 2. Christian comes back with right hands and a forearm smash. He follows that with the leapfrog punch to the floor, and the diving back elbow. To the floor, where Sandow sends him into the stairs, and then bashes his skull into them for good measure. This brings out Brodus Clay in a knee brace, which distracts Sandow long enough for Christian to roll him up for 2, but Sandow comes back with the Illumination. WINNER: Damien Sandow via Illumination Rating: 3/10. Wow, Christian looked like the jobbiest jobber who ever jobbed.
-Lesnar stares down Shawn. Maybe he’s courting him?
Contract Signing: Brock Lesnar and Triple H
Heyman tries to sell the match, but after countless videos of Brock looking like a tool at HHH’s hands, I’m staggering in with the attitude of, “Just get it over with.” Shawn Michaels is a coward, Texans are cowards, yada yada. Michaels makes his way out, and nothing of note happens until Triple H shows up. What a lousy and lazy COO, it’s 10:41! Hunter signs, and Brock just throws the contract in his face without signing. Or maybe he DID sign and then threw it in his face, I’m blacking out here. No one gets beaten up, and we have 15 minutes left. Okay?
Segment Rating: 0/10. I give up, Five Hour Energy cowboy. I’ll drink that crap out of your urethra. SOMEBODY SAVE ME.
-Shawn and Hunter have a heart to heart, and doubt is expressed by HBK.
-Show is interviewed briefly, and we have a an accident in the lot where Heyman cuts off Shawn, and Brock drags Shawn out of the driver’s window. Then the screen goes black. Yeah. Apparently, Brock has KIDNAPPED Shawn! Cole: “Brock has kidnapped Shawn!” Lawler: “No, he’s just taking him for a joyride!” Cole: “……………….” Okay, I made that up. Anyway, Brock brings a disheveled Shawn to the ring and F5’s him. And kimuras him. HHH tries to save, but Heyman orders him not to take a step, lest Shawn get his arm snapped. Then Brock does it anyway, because he’s a DOUCHE. Hunter is displeased, end of show. Segment Rating: 1/10. Only because Shawn kept asking for Haku. Well, he was saying ‘God’, so I’m merely inferring.