This week, TNA is once again in Corpus Christi, TX. The X-Division title will be on the line, and AJ Styles makes his in-ring return against James Storm.

We see Devon approach Tomax and Xamot somewhere in the back. He asks if they know what’s at stake tonight. Wes Brisco says he can beat Kurt Angle again. Garett Bischoff agrees. Devon doesn’t care what they say; he just wants them to get the job done.

MATCH 1-2-on-1 Handicap Match: Garett Bischoff and Wes Brisco vs. Kurt Angle
Apparently, the gang sign for Aces and Eights is the same as the Van Buren Boys. Now TNA has resorted to ripping off sitcoms. Wes starts off for his team, and Angle applies a waistlock before firing off some rights in the corner. He corner whips Wes, and Wes crashes to the mat. Angle then knocks Garett off the apron. Stomps in the corner on Wes, and Angle follows up with a suplex. He throws Wes to his own corner, where Garett tags himself in. Garett charges in and gets hit with a hip toss. Angle hits various strikes before stomping Garett to the mat, then picks him up and hits a back elbow. Wes comes in and gets hit with a back body drop. Commercials.

Back from the break, Angle is in control of Garett in the corner. Wes rolls into the ring and low-blows Angle behind the ref’s back. Garett begins stomping and punching Angle. He picks Angle up for some more punches, then grinds Angle’s face across the top rope. Garett flips off the crowd before hitting a suplex for 1. “You can’t wrestle!” chant starts at Wes tags in. He whips Garett into Angle in the corner, and Garett sends Angle into a clothesline by Wes for 1. Wes hits some punches and a clothesline in the corner, then rolls Angle over for another 1 before applying a rear chinlock. Angle counters with a back suplex. A “USA!” chant breaks out, despite all three of these guys being from the same country. Garett tags in and runs into a pair of clotheslines. Wes gets hit with the same. Overhead belly-to-belly for Wes, and a release German for Garett. Angle hits Wes with the Murder-Suicide. Garett tries to block it by letting Wes grab him, so Angle suplexes them both at the same time. Angle Slam on Garett for 2 as Wes breaks up the pin. Angle sends Wes shoulder-first into the post as D’Lo Brown makes his way to ringside. Angle applies the ankle lock on Wes as Mr. Anderson distracts the referee. D’Lo throws a chain to Garett, and he hits Angle in the back of the head, getting the 3.

WINNERS: Garett Bischoff and Wes Brisco. D’Lo orders Wes to pick Angle up, and he & Garett give Angle a spike powerbomb. Anderson gets on the mic and says this is the way things are going down from now on. Sting left Hogan’s side a few weeks ago and hasn’t been seen since. Jeff Hardy was decimated last week, and now Angle lies in shambles. If you’re not wearing one of these “cuts” tonight, “you in a bad frickin’ way”. One more thing: AJ Styles, they’re rooting for you, buddy.

We get comments from Zema Ion and Petey Williams in regards to their title match up next.

MATCH 2-3-Way Match for the World X-Division Championship: Zema Ion vs. Petey Williams vs. Kenny King (Champion)
King finally has some new music. Of course it’s generic hip-hop, but it’s still an improvement over his old theme.
King attacks the other two at the opening bell and hits Petey with a back elbow. We get our first look from TNA’s “X-Cam”, and I already hate it. You’d think they’d know better than to bring this back after it was partially responsible for killing Chris Candido. Anyway, Petey hits a dropkick to King’s back, and Ion comes off the top with a seated missile dropkick on Petey. Petey goes to the corner, and King stops Ion charging with a jumping roundhouse. King goes for the Royal Flush on Ion, but Petey yanks Ion off King’s shoulders. King hits a spinning Ghetto Blaster on Ion before going for the Flush on Petey. Petey counters it and hits the Canadian Destroyer, but only gets 2 when Ion breaks up the pin. Ion goes for the pin, but Petey breaks that up. Petey attacks Ion with rights before hitting a spinning headscissors. Ion sets Petey up in the corner, where Petey hits a hurricanrana for 2. Ion hotshots Petey into the ropes before hitting a jumping neckbreaker for 2. The fans are not into this match at all. Petey hits some knife-edge chops before Ion blocks an Irish whip and counters into a modified half-Boston crab. Petey gets a rope break, and now the two trade punches. Petey dominates, ducks a clotheslines and turns a headscissors into a side-Russian legsweep and then into a crucifix for 2. Petey hits a hoisted complete shot for another 2 as King is trying to get back in the ring. Petey calls for the Destroyer again, but Ion counters with a jawbreaker. Petey ducks a clothesline and hits a suicide dive on King. Ion charges in, but Petey shoulders him and hits an outside-in release German suplex before hitting an inside-out hurricanrana on King. Ion hotshots Petey before hitting the outside-in tornado DDT for 2. Ion drags Petey to the corner and goes for the running Asai moonsault. Petey blocks with his knees and goes for the Destroyer, but Ion counters into a roll-up for 2. Petey counters into a scorpion deathlock as King comes in. He hits Petey with a running dropkick, then covers Ion for 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Kenny King. Decent match, but King did mostly nothing the entire match, which is why I hate this style of match. One guy is always on the floor.

AI stops Magnus in the back, who has a TV title match tonight. Magnus says there’s history, but he’s confused about this situation. A and E are talking about creating so much chaos, but what they don’t realize is that tonight, Magnus is the one who is doing the taking, as he’s taking the title he’s been waiting five months for.

We see Brooke Hogan and Christy Hemme in the back talking about the new KO website. Apparently, Christy is running the site. And I should care why? Brooke calls Mickey James and Miss Tessmacher into the room. She tells them they’re both special and that’s why they’ve been chosen for their match later tonight. James leaves after a minute, and Tessy stays behind to talk to Brooke about Bully Ray, saying all of the Knockouts are there for her.

MATCH 3-World Television Championship: Devon (Champion) vs. Magnus
Wow. We get our first TV title match in what, six months?
Before the match, Knux and DOC try to attack Magnus on the stage, but he fights them both off. Devon then runs up and nails Magnus with a chain. DOC and Knux hold Magnus up and Devon hits him in the gut with the chain. Magnus tries to fight back, but gets hit with a double chokeslam on the ramp.

WINNER: No match, which means that the title will remain un-defended for the next six months or so. As A and E continue the attack, Samoa Joe comes out on stage and gets between them and Magnus. Just get rid of the title already, TNA, as it’s obvious you know how meaningless it truly is.

Samoa Joe is screaming at the camera in the back, calling all of A and E cowards. You come out and claim to be the best and put titles on the line, but then you pull that. It’s okay, Devon. He’s told the “powers-that-be” what he wants, and he’s got it. See you in the ring.

We get a video from a couple of weeks ago where Velvet Sky supposedly injured her knee.

MATCH 3-Winner becomes the new #1 Contender for the Knockouts Championship: Miss Tessmacher vs. Mickie James
ODB is once again the referee. Lock-up to start, and Tessy backs James into the corner before giving a clean break. Another lock-up, and now James backs Tessy into the corner, and another clean break. ODB calling both of these women “bitch” is pretty funny. Another lock-up, and James turns it into an armdrag. Tessy hangs on, and they go back into the lock-up. Tessy now armdrags James, who also holds on. It turns into another lock-up and James finally breaks it with the ropes. ODB grabs the arms of both women and tells them to fights. Tessy takes James and schoolgirls her for 2. James comes back with an arm wringer, then botches the piss out of a rolling jujigatame, which Tessy immediately breaks with the ropes before rolling to the floor. She drags James to the floor, where they trade forearm shots before grabbing each other by the hair. ODB breaks it up and tells them both to get back in the ring. Back in, Tessy ducks a clothesline, kicks James in the knee, then knocks her down with some punches. James sends Tessy into the corner, but Tessy ducks a charge and kicks her in the gut before hitting a Mug Shot for 2. In the adjacent corner, Tessy hits a running clotheslines, then hits a Stinkface. She whips James onto the mat for 2, then goes for another cover, getting another 2. James blocks a throw to the corner, then does a pair of them herself before hitting a flapjack. Up top, James hits a Thesz Press for 2. Mounted punches by James until ODB pulls her off. James turns around, and the two simultaneously clothesline each other. ODB begins the standing 10-count, and they manage to make it up at 8, taking turns slamming each other’s face into the mat. We then get full-screen replays mid-match. Genius. Tessy goes for Tessticular Cancer, but James blocks it and sends Tessy into the corner. She goes for the standing Tornado DDT and Tessy counters that into a sunset flip. James just sits down on Tessy and gets the 3.

WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: Mickie James.

We see AJ Styles in the back, and Bad Influence is hanging out in the background, with Christopher Daniels holding a t-shirt. As AJ walks off, Daniels says “the band is back together”. They then start singing “The Best Friends Song” from The Hangover.

Elsewhere, Joseph Park is on the phone. Devon approaches him and grabs the phone before telling him to stay out of family business. Park says he’s doing this for Brooke, and Bully Ray nails him from behind. He says he’s her husband and knows what’s best for Brooke. Ray says consider this a threat and not a promise: stay out of our family business. Devon then takes him into the bathroom and slams him into the shower wall before turning the water on him.

We now get a video package for Mickie James, talking about winning the belt back. God, I hate her voice.

James Storm is in the locker room, talking about trying to talk to AJ Styles. Now, it’s time to just kick the crap out of each other.

Bad Influence make their way out into the arena, ,and Daniels has the shirt he was holding tucked into his pants. Apparently, it’s just one of their shirts, but in a different color. Daniels says the year of Bad Influence continues. It is great to be them. The fans love them. They’ve got these sweet new shirts. The BI movie is in-production, and Morgan Freeman is in talks to play the role of Dixie Carter. But, the cherry on the sundae that is their lives, is they are THIS CLOSE to convincing AJ Styles to side with them. Kaz says they got him his own BI shirt in black and yellow. Now, their first matter of business involves their old amigos, “Churro Guerrero” and “Juan Hernandez”. As soon as you muchachos give them their title match, they will become World Tag Team Champions of the World, Part Tres. Now, you all have permission to worship them.

Bobby Roode and Austin Aries come out, and Roode says that he has to be the bearer of bad news. He’s sorry to say it, but BI aren’t the #1 contenders for the titles. Last week, Chavo and Hernandez fluked a victory over him and Aries, so before anything else happens, the former champs get a rematch. Daniels says Roode’s opinion would matter more if he wasn’t a Canadian. Aries says that, lucky for them, his opinion is more valuable than anything, and it comes down to this: BI have been a more successful team than they have. And maybe if he and Roode were “closer” to each other like BI, maybe they’d be a more “well-oiled” machine like a BI. Kaz makes fun of Aries for being a vegan, so Aries makes a joke about Kaz putting meat in his mouth. The four of them then scream incoherently at each other as Chavo and Hernandez enter the ring behind Aries and Roode. BI sees them and bails. As Roode and Aries turn around, they’re attacked by the champs and thrown to the floor. Chavo holds up a belt and says THIS is why they’re better. And…well, that’s it. That was literally Chavo’s whole promo.

Overly long video packages for Aces and Eights about how dangerous they are. This segues into a recap of Angle losing earlier tonight, and then it’s footage of Magnus getting attacked. As someone on FB once said, TNA should change their company motto to “We Are Recaps”.
We see Matt Morgan watching all of this, and it turns into a long promo about how stupid Hulk Hogan is. I’d recap it, but honestly, if you’ve heard Morgan do this promo once, you’ve heard every Morgan promo since then.

MATCH 4-World Television Championship: Devon (Champion) vs. Samoa Joe
Let’s see if it actually happens this time. Christy Hemme botched Devon’s intro. Devon attacks Joe as the bell rings, so looks like the match will indeed happen. Joe begins to fight back with some quick lefts before stomping Devon down. Joe hits a running leg lariat and follows upwith a snapmare, a chop to the back, a kick to the chest and a jumping knee drop for 2. Joe calls for the Kokina Clutch, and Devon counters out before hitting a spear. He chokes Joe over the bottom rope, but Joe gets back up and hits some rights. Devon rakes the eyes, then steps on Joe’s stomach in the corner. Snapmare by Devon, and an elbow drop gets 2. Devon applies a rear chinlock, and Joe fights out. Devon hits a right and corner whips Joe, but Joe counters, hits a running hip bump and a spin kick to the head. Joe sets Devon on the top rope as Garett and Wes comes to ringside. Joe takes them both out and goes for the Muscle Buster, but they get on the apron and distract the ref. As Joe goes for the move, Anderson runs into the ring and hits Joe with a pair of brass knuckles. Devon falls on Joe and gets the 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Devon. Devon props Joe on his knees after the match. Anderson puts the knuckles back on, gets on his knees and nails Joe in the face.

Next week, Mickie James gets her KO title match, and Roode/Aries vs. Chavo/Hernandez in a championship rematch from last week.

MATCH 5: James Storm vs. AJ Styles
AJ starts to bail on the match before the bell rings, but Storm attacks him from behind. He goes for a suplex on the ramp, but AJ blocks it. Storm goes for a powerbomb, but AJ escapes and hits Storm with a right. Storm comes back with an uppercut, and the match officially starts in the ring. AJ beats Storm down in the corner, then hits some elbows to the back of the head. AJ ducks a clothesline, but runs into a high knee. Storm hits some mounted punches before applying a side headlock. AJ comes back with a chopblock and a clothesline. Commercials.

Back from the break, AJ hits a vertical suplex on Storm before applying a rear chinlock. Storm eventually fights out, and now the two trade punches. Storm hits a forearm off the ropes, an inverted atomic drop and a clothesline. Back body drop off the ropes connects, and the old Eye of the Storm gets 2 (I say “old” because he uses that name for a different move now). Storm props AJ on the top rope and goes for a superplex, but AJ slides out and crotches Storm. Storm gets hung up in the Tree of Woe in the process, and AJ hits a running seated dropkick to Storm’s face for 2. Bad Influence come out on the ramp, cheering AJ on. AJ picks Storm up in a fireman’s carry, but Storm escapes, ducks a clothesline and hits a backcracker before sending AJ to the floor with a clothesline. Storm follows out, and AJ rams him into the apron before throwing him into the guardrail. Back in the ring, AJ misses a running boot and gets hit with Closing Time. Storm calls for the Last Call, but AJ blocks it and rolls through into a heel hook. Storm taps out.

WINNER: AJ Styles. Bad Influence enter the ring to congratulate AJ, who then attacks both of them. He stares at Storm and leaves the ring as A and E attack Storm from behind. BI roll back into the ring, and they get attacked as well. Kaz gets hit with the World title by Bully Ray, and Daniels is hit with a double chokeslam by Knux and DOC as Storm gets hit with a Sky-High by D’Lo. Ray gets on the mic and asks if we know who he is or who they are. They are the Aces and Eights. They are the men responsible for destroying all of your heroes. He is the man responsible for defeating and taking out Jeff Hardy. His brothers are the men responsible for taking out these three pieces of trash. You have no heroes left. Look around. All of your heroes are now just victims, and there’s one man you can blame this on: you can blame this on Hulk Hogan. Hulk is the reason why “all of your heroes are just another victim”. Dad: next week, live on Impact, Ray is calling you out in the middle of this ring. He wants to stare deep into your soul and tell you to your face you are the reason why all of their heroes are nothing but victims of Aces and Eights. And when you ride with the Aces and Eights, you never walk alone. Well, I would certainly hope not, since riding is an entirely different activity than walking.

End of show.

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WWE: WrestleMania 29 DVD

WWE: For All Mankind- The Life and Career of Mick Foley- with Mr. Socko Sock Puppet (Limited Edition)

Grab discounted WWE DVDs, merchandise, t -shirts, figures, and more from the WWE Shop on Amazon.com

This week’s episode of Impact kicks off with a…well, not a bang. What’s less effective than a bang? No, pop is still too strong. Let’s say “nacho fart”.

Yes, this week’s TNA Impact Wrestling episode starts off with a nacho fart as the newest members of Aces and Eights, Wes Brisco and Garett Bischoff, make their way out. Could A and E have picked two guys people could care any less about? I’m thinking I should change their name from the Wonder Twins to Tomax and Xamot. Anyway, they are accompanied by the rest of the unmasked members of the group, as well as The Black Scorpion. Devon tells us that, a few weeks ago, he said A and E would dominate 2013. You know something? Not only are they dominating, but they are kicking the front door right into TNA (Huh?). After what they did to Kurt Angle last week, he’s sure everyone would love to see that again. This is the group that will destroy TNA. We get a montage of the history between Angle and the group, as well as the involvement of Tomax and Xamot. Back to the ring, Devon says to Mr. Anderson that, when he told Ken he had a plan, he was oh-so-right. Now, without any further ado, he introduces the new members of A and E, Garett Bischoff and Wes Brisco. Oh, this should be stunning. Garett thanks Devon, then calls the crowd disrespectful. To hell with all of you. This is his new family. His loyalty and respect lies with A and E. Now it’s Brisco’s turn. He says he did this because of you, Hawk Hogan. No, that’s not a typo; that’s really what he said. Anyway, Hogan didn’t answer Brisco’s phone calls for 2 years. Then, he told Brisco he had to start at the bottom and climb his way to the top. A Brisco on the bottom? And then, he wants to throw Brisco in a Gut Check match? Who gave Hogan his first pair of wrestling boots? A holla famer, his father (Again, his words). With the A and E on his back, that’s his ticket to climb to the top of the ladder. Back to Devon. If he was Kurt Angle, he wouldn’t dare think of coming back to TNA. As for you, Hogan, you want to surprise them with a Tables Match? That’s fine. Understand one thing: A and E always has backup. They will always have an ace under their sleeve. Testify.

You know, it’s already bad enough when Devon is the best talker in a segment. When he can’t even do that right, though, there’s a huge, HUGE problem. And TNA, don’t ever give Wes Brisco a microphone ever again. For any reason. At all. Ever.

We see Tara and Jesse in the back, talking about sending someone a message on MySpace. They barge into Brooke Hogan’s office, complaining about being booked in coach seats on the plane. Brooke calls them petty and selfish, as she’s been dealing with so much stuff. Tara bitches about being tired. Brooke tells her she’s wrestling Miss Tessmacher, and Jesse is banned from ringside for that match. For now, he can get Brooke a coffee.

MATCH 1-3-Way Match for the World X-Division Championship: Kenny King vs. Zema Ion vs. Rob Van Dam (Champion)
I am so sick of 3-way X-Division matches. The heels beat RVD down in the corner. RVD boots Ion, followed by an uppercut on Ion by King. RVD hits a springboard thrust kick on King just before Ion and RVD collide in the ring. RVD gets knocked to the floor, and Ion gets clotheslined to the floor by King. King takes RVD out with a corkscrew plancha as Ion climbs back in the ring. He overshoots a somersault plancha to the floor, nearly taking himself out on the guardrail. Back in, Ion hits a top rope seated dropkick on King. King counters a corner charge with an Oklahoma Roll. Ion rolls through and goes for a Buzzsaw, but King ducks and counters into a half-Boston crab. RVD breaks the hold with a boot to the head. King comes back with a modified Dragon Whip, followed by a jumping roundhouse for 2. King telegraphs a dropkick, and RVD capitalizes with a spinning legdrop. He goes for Rolling Thunder, but Ion trips him up on the outside. RVD hits a monkey flip on him, followed by a step-over spinning heel kick on King. Ion comes off the middle with a tornado DDT on RVD for 2. King breaks up the pin and calls for the Royal Flush on Ion. Ion counters into a small package for 2. Ion hits a back suplex into a facebreaker for 2 as RVD pulls him off from the outside. Ion goes for a baseball slide on RVD, but RVD sidesteps him and hits a clothesline. Back in, RVD appears to go for the 5-Star on King, but King rolls out of the way. Ion comes in and RVD leaps at him. Ion ducks as RVD lands on his feet. RVD goes for a cross-body, but Ion ducks, sending the champ back to the floor. He hits a neckbreaker on King off a hotshot for 2. He calls for the 450 splash, but King comes back with rights. He hits a corner charge and goes for a suplex, but RVD is back in, and he breaks up the move. King clotheslines him back to the floor as Ion rolls him up for 2. Ion hits a dropkick. King blocks a middle rope moonsault, then hits a running seated dropkick. Northern lights suplex by King for 2 as RVD breaks it with a 5-Star Frog Splash on King. He covers Ion for the pin, getting 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Rob Van Dam.

Bobby Roode and Austin Aries are entering the building. Aries says that, when they work together, they are unstoppable, and they are taking the tag titles home tonight. Roode agrees, and tonight, it’s not about ego; it’s about them walking the same path. Aries says that, when they have all the gold, everyone will follow their lead.

There’s a video for TNA’s new UK-only show, British Boot Camp. It’s a Tough Enough-type show, and it was won by some wrestler calling himself Rockstar Spud. We see some clips of the show, including training by the wrestlers. All four of them are total twigs who look like they have absolutely no business anywhere in a wrestling ring: Rockstar Spud, Party Marty, and the Blossom Twins. Jesus. Later tonight, we get an introduction to Spud.

We see Bruce Prichard and D’Lo Brown talking about Tomax and Xamot’s “shocking turn”. Prichard says there will be hell to pay when Kurt Angle comes back, and it’s his and D’Lo’s fault for allowing Brisco on the roster.

Jesse is in the ring, and he has something disappointing to say. Brooke Hogan has banned him from ringside on his very own girlfriend’s matches tonight. Don’t worry; he’s going to give the fans exactly what they paid their hard-earned money for, and that’s the chance to see a true Hollywood star, because quite frankly, who do these people have to cheer for? So none other than himself. Get your cameras and cellphones out, because this will be one “pectacular” photo opportunity. Kill me now.

James Storm’s music hits. Still waiting to be killed. I welcome death. Storm says he was listening to Jesse run his “bottle sucker”, talking about taking some pictures. These people don’t care about taking no pictures. They came to drink some beer while watching someone get beat up. Tara saved him last week, but she’s not out here this time, so Storm is going to give the fans what they want. He’s going to kick the crap out of Jesse, then drink some beer, then he’ll pick Jesse up so these people can see him with no teeth in his mouth.

MATCH 2: Jesse vs. James Storm
Storm fires off some rights and uppercuts. Jesse thumbs him in the eye, then hits some rights of his own. Back elbows in the corner by Jesse, and now an abdominal stretch is applied. Storm blocks a clothesline and hits a side-Russian legsweep. Storm hits some rights and a forearm. Inverted atomic drop by Storm, followed by the Eye of the Storm. Kick from the apron by Storm, followed by a running neckbreaker. Spinebuster and Closing Time, and Storm calls for the Last Call, which connects in slow-mo for 3.

WINNER: James Storm. After the match, the poor man’s Stone Cold Steve Austin drinks some beer after doing a stupid ventriloquist bit with Jesse.

MATCH 3-World Tag Team Championship: Austin Aries and Bobby Roode vs. Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez (Champions)
You know, I actually had a brief conversation with Todd Keneley a couple nights ago over Facebook. While I’m not a huge fan of his work thus far (to be fair, though, he’s still very new), I do have to say that, sadly, despite the collective experience of his broadcast partners, he’s the best commentator the company has ever had. And I mean since day 1. That’s not a knock on him; that just shows you how badly Taz and Tenay now suck at their jobs. Roode and Chavo start the match with a lock-up. Roode applies an armbar, and Chavo counters into a side headlock. Chavo goes into a waistlock. Roode elbows out, and Chavo comes back with a spinning headscissors and a dropkick. Aries tags himself in, and Hernandez is now legal as well. As a heavily tattooed man myself, I can tell you that Hernandez’s tattoo work absolutely sucks. Hey, it matches his promo skills! Aries applies a side headlock, so Hernandez picks him up and sets him across the top buckle. Aries ducks a clothesline and cartwheels to avoid a back body drop. He goes for a tag, but Roode isn’t interested. Aries turns around into a standing avalanche. Hernandez goes for a delayed vertical suplex, but Roode comes in and pulls Aries down. He boots Hernandez and they go for a double suplex. Chavo comes in and instead helps Hernandez hit a double suplex of his own. Chavo tags in. Hernandez hits a bodyslam, and Chavo follows up with a tope con hilo. European uppercut by Chavo, and as he goes to the ropes, Roode trips him and drags him to the floor. Aries goes for a suicide dive as Roode holds Chavo, but Chavo moves out of the way, causing Aries to slam into Roode. Commercials.

We’re back, and Hernandez tags in, who hits an avalanche in the corner for 2 as Roode breaks up the pin. Chavo back in, who hits a snapmare and low dropkick. They trade chops in the corner until Chavo hits another European uppercut. Hernandez back in, and he bodyslams Chavo onto Aries. Hernandez hits a splash for 2 as Roode breaks it up again. Chavo back in, and the crowd could care less about the champs. Chavo knocks Roode off the apron, and the distraction allows Aries to hit a rolling elbow. The heels make the fake tag, and Roode stomps Chavo down. Back elbow for 2. Snapmare by Roode, and Aries tags himself back in. Roode hits a rolling neck snap, and Aries comes in with a spinning European uppercut to the back of the head for 2. Roode back in, and he beats Chavo down in the corner. He takes Chavo out with a clothesline for 2 before applying a rear chinlock. Aries back in, and he hits a gut shot. Foot choke on the apron sends Chavo to the floor. Outside, Roode slams him into the apron. Aries comes down with a double axe handle from the top rope. Back in, Aries gets 2 with his feet on the ropes. Roode tags in as Chavo fights out of the corner. Roode prevents a tag and applies a rear chinlock. Aries makes a fake tag off a distraction by Hernandez, and Aries applies a rear chinlock. Aries sits on Chavo’s back before going back to the hold. Aries tries the sit-down again, but Chavo turns on his back and his knee connects with Aries’ groin. Comedy. Chavo kicks Aries off, but right into his own corner, where Roode makes the tag. He prevents Chavo from tagging out and beats him down in the corner. Chavo shows he’s been watching Alberto Del Rio tapes as he goes to the top for a moonsault, misses, lands on his feet and rolls through. The two simultaneously clothesline each other, and now both are down. Aries tags in, as does Hernandez. Hernandez with the luke-warm tag, and the crowd could not give a damn about “Supermex”. He hits an over-the-shoulder backbreaker drop on Aries for 2 as Roode breaks it up. Hernandez hits a slingshot shoulderblock on Aries, and then hits a Pounce on Roode. Chavo back in, who hits the 3 Amigos, and the crowd hates it. Aries blocks the 3rd and goes for the brainbuster. Chavo slides out and shoves Aries into Roode. The heels start pushing each other and Roode tells Aries to kiss his ass before leaving the ring. Chavo hits a suplex and Hernandez comes in. Hernandez goes for the Border Toss as Chavo climbs up top. Roode returns to the ring in time to shove Chavo to the mat as Aries slides out of the Toss. As the ref is checking on Chavo, Aries low blows Hernandez and Roode throws him to the floor. Aries hits a running dropkick in the corner before throwing him into a spinebuster by Roode. Aries goes up top and hits the 450 splash for the first time in quite a while, and it’s enough to get the 3.

WINNERS AND NEW CHAMPIONS: Austin Aries and Bobby Roode.

We see Brooke, Buddy Ray and Sting in the back, talking about tonight’s main event. Hulk Hogan walks in, so Sting and Brooke leave. Hogan says he’s glad his new son-in-law has his head in the game. The main event was made for Ray, and this is the end tonight. This is to make sure Ray proves how wrong Hogan has been about him. Ray says that, with all due respect, he ain’t no good guy. Just because he’s good to Brooke doesn’t make him a good guy. He didn’t forget what A and E did to everyone, including what happened during the wedding. He’s Buddy Ray. He ain’t no good guy; he’s a very bad one. I guess no one told Ray “ain’t no” is a double negative, which means he called himself a good guy before calling himself a bad guy, which cancel each other out. Hogan says that, for the sake of their family, he hopes he knows who Ray really is. This ends tonight, and he wants Ray to end it for all of them. Ray says, “Consider it done…dad.”

Video package for AJ Styles’ long, drawn-out, go-nowhere storyline.

MATCH 4: Miss Tessmacher vs. Knockouts Champion Tara (non-title)
Tessy rolls Tara up for 2. Tara comes back with a kneelift before slamming Tessy’s face into the mat while screaming Jesse’s name. Hip throw by Tara, and it’s turned into a side headlock. Tessy fights out, but Tara hits a shoulder. Tessy trips her before a crisscross can happen, followed by a Dropsh*t. Tessy botches a victory roll, sending Tara face-first into the mat. She turns her over for a pin, getting 2. Tessy stomps her in the corner, hits a hip bump and a Stinkface. Tara rolls to the outside, so Tessy throws her back in. Tara stops a top rope attack and hits the Spider’s Web for 2. Hairmare by Tara, followed by a hair hang over her back. Tara applies a full-nelson now. Tessy ass bumps her way out of it, so Tara whips her down by the hair. Tara goes for the pin after a choke, getting 2. Tessy rolls her up for 2, and Tara comes back with a clothesline for a 2 of her own. Tara locks on a rear chinlock. Tessy fights out, and gets hit with another clothesline. Tessy comes back with forearms, hits a couple jumping clotheslines, a jumping forearm and a hurricanrana. She goes for the Mug Shot, but Tara hotshots her into the buckle. Tessy recovers and hits the Brooke Shield for 3. Kenely referred to it as the “Tess Shot”. I like my name better.

WINNER: Miss Tessmacher.

Jeremy Borash is in the ring, and he welcomes Rockstar Spud to the ring. Man, is this guy a douchebag. He should team with Zema Ion. The can call themselves “Summer’s Eve”. JB congratulates him on winning British Boot Camp. Rockstar Spud says he’s in the building. Thanks, Captain Obvious. Finally, he’s right here where he always wanted to be: in this ring, in front of thousands of his own countrymen. He is the newest member of the Impact Wrestling roster.

The Robbies interrupt thing, and E takes the mic from JB. He says the fact that Spud earned a contract is a travesty, bro. That is, of course, unless we’re hiring midgets. You, Spud, you’re not a rockstar; you’re a pizza delivery boy, bro. Hey! Get me my pizza, bro! You’re lucky T is holding him back, because he’d take you out, bro! If he told T to knock him out, he’d do it, bro. He’d knock you out, you hamster. You’re a piece of garbage, bro. T does what E tells him to do, bro. T is slowly getting irritated, so he bends down to pick up his clipboard, which allows Spud to knock E out of the ring. E orders T to take Spud out, but T pretends like he can’t hear. T starts to fist pump, so Spud turns fist into devil horns.

We see Sting and Ray walking in the back. Ray says Sting has had his back since the beginning. He’s not letting Sting down tonight, and they’re going to put A and E through tables. Brooke stops them and asks if they’re ready. Sting tells her to literally get her game face on. Ray tells her to put on the war paint.

MATCH 5-Tag Team Tables Match: World Television Champion Devon and DOC vs. Bully Ray and Sting
The faces tee off on the heels to start the match, beating them down in adjacent corners. Now in opposite corners, the faces send the heels into each other, then hit a pair of clotheslines. The beatdown continues before Ray throws DOC to a corner. Then another. Double clothesline for DOC. Double back elbow for Devon. More punches by the faces. Taz just pointed out that “ain’t” isn’t in the dictionary. A few years ago, that was true. However, it is now officially a word in the English language. Taz is a moron. In opposite corners now, and Ray hits a Stinger Splash on Devon. Sting then hits one. They send DOC into the corner on Devon. Ray hits a double avalanche, and Sting hits a double clothesline. Devon gets thrown to the floor as DOC is clotheslined to the floor. Commercials.

We’re back, and DOC is hitting rights on Ray. Ray comes back with a big boot. DOC rebounds, hits a big boot and a clothesline. DOC takes off his belt and chokes Ray on the outside. In the ring, Devon attacks Sting with rights until Sting comes back with a clothesline. Sting hits a bodyslam, and the faces go for What’s Up?, which connects. Ray orders Sting to get the tables. Sting does the same to Ray. Ray grabs a table and throws it in the ring. DOC and Devon recover and take the faces out. Devon pulls the table to the middle of the ring. They go for a double suplex, but Ray moves the table. DOC attacks him from behind and sends him to the floor. DOC sets the table up once more as Devon sets Sting on it. Ray drags Devon to the floor, where they hit simultaneous clotheslines on each other. Back in the ring, DOC is going to the top when Sting recovers. Sting goes for a superplex, but Mike Knox runs in and moves the table. He holds Sting up for a shot by Devon, but Sting ducks, causing Devon to punch Knox. Sting fights off Devon and DOC, and he hits the Scorpion Death Drop on DOC. Devon knocks Sting to the floor and sets up the table as Ray gets back in the ring. Ray “Hulks up” as I choke on my own bile. Ray hits three punches and a big boot before chokeslamming Devon through the table.

WINNERS: Bully Ray and Sting. The Hogans come out applauding.

End of show.
As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin
WWE: Elimination Chamber 2013

WWE: Bret Hitman Hart – The Dungeon Collection

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This week’s TNA Impact Wrestling features another installment of Open Fight Night. As you can probably tell, I’m beside myself with glee. We’re also in the United Kingdom, so at least there’s that.

Mr. Anderson vs. Kurt Angle in a steel cage is on-tap, and Dixie Carter’s major surprise announcement that TNA will go on the road permanently from here on out. Oops.

Bad Influence make their way out, and they’re both dressed like Sir William Wallace. Kaz says they’re here for the UK’s viewing pleasure. As you can see, it once again “Throwback Thursday”, and they’re going all the way back to the 13th century. Tonight, they pay homage to the real true warriors of the UK, the Scots (they’re in Manchester right now, in case you were wondering). All of you “piss artists” and “turd burglars” need to look at this man, Christopher Daniels. I’m not listing off all of Kaz’s dumbass catchphrases that he just spewed. Daniels says he hears everyone booing. He knows they’re disappointed Jeff Hardy is still champion. They’re disappointed, too. He makes some cracks about getting poisoned by Jeff Hardy’s facepaint. He then calls the crowd tossers, because gay jokes are apparently funny. He will get another shot at the title somewhere down the road, and when he does, he’ll bring the title back to this rotten country. Everyone knows there’s nothing easier than beating the English. Until that day, he now gives the crowd permission to worship them.

Magnus’ music hits, and the hometown boy gets a nice response. Good to see him back, as I think he’s very underrated. He has his own theory on Daniels not being champion: it might be because Hardy beat him like he owes Hardy money. It might be because Daniels is a grown man who uses words like “shabbledab” and “appletini”. Or, it might be because Bad Influence are a couple of disrespectful muppets who are in need of a good slap. If they feel like being William Wallace for a night, though, and feel like fighting an Englishman, Magnus is one. They can fight him. Daniels responds by shoving Magnus, so Magnus decks both of them. Bad Influence begin double-teaming him until Magnus backdrops Kaz over the top rope and boots Daniels. He clotheslines Daniels over the top to the floor before saying it’s an honor and privilege for everyone in the company to do what they do for the fans that pay to see them do it. That privilege was taken from him by Aces and Eights, led by a man he’s calling out, since it’s OFN. Devon, get out here and face him one-on-one. Now.

MATCH 1: Magnus vs. World Television Champion Devon
Devon isn’t wearing the title belt, which just shows you how little it means. Magnus drops Devon with a clothesline before throwing him to the floor. Magnus heads out and throws him into the guardrail. He does this a few more times before throwing Devon back in the ring. Devon kicks the ropes as Magnus comes back in, then connects with a clothesline. Choke over the middle rope by Devon, followed by punches in the corner. Magnus fires back with rights, so Devon rakes the eyes. Legdrop by Devon as he mocks Hulk Hogan. More rights by Magnus until Devon drops him with a flying shoulderblock. Devon applies a trapezius claw until Magnus fights back. Devon lands a clothesline off the ropes, then hits a bodyslam. From the middle, Devon misses the headbutt. Magnus with a pair of clotheslines and a running knee. Misdirection clothesline by Magnus, and he connects with a Michinoku Driver #2. Before he can get the pin, Mike Knox and DOC run interference.

WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Magnus. Magnus manages to fight them all off, sending them back through the crowd.

Up next, Joseph Park makes an OFN challenge.

We see Buddy Ray, Sting and Brooke Hogan in the back. Ray hasn’t been able to get a hold of Hulk Hogan. Sting says Hogan sent him a message that just said, “I’ll be there.”

Joseph Park is already in the ring, and he sucks up to the UK fans. To the point. It’s been a stressful week of deliberations. He’s watched hours of video and made notes, but it’s still a tough decision. Before he can finish, The Robbies interrupt. Wait just a second, bro. This is a joke, right? This is a joke, right, bro? Park says he didn’t pick either of these guys. E says Park isn’t a wrestler, bro. In fact, he’s just a hamster like everyone else in the UK. E pokes him in the chest while repeating himself, but before he finishes, he points at T, who is staring a hole through him. He says that, since T lives in the US, he’s basically American now anyway, so he doesn’t count. E grabs Park’s notebook and spits on it before challenging Park to a fight, bro. Come on, bro! Fight him, hamster!

MATCH 2: Joseph Park vs. Robbie E (w/Robbie T)
Park ducks a clothesline. E goes for a cross-body, but bounces off. E drops him with a gut shot, then beats him down. Back up, Park hits a hip toss and an armdrag. Bodyslam by Park, but he misses a splash. E kicks him a few times, then punches him in the head. E hits a flying clothesline from the middle rope, and an elbow from the middle for 2. E misses a hanging clothesline. Park knocks him down a few times, but misses an avalanche. He rebounds and hits a belly-to-belly suplex. Park goes to the middle rope and hits a splash for the 3.

WINNER: Joseph Park.

We see Hulk Hogan enter the building.

Austin Aries and Bobby Roode are in the ring. Everyone is excited to be in the presence of greatness and dominance. Aries says that, in a company where men steal money, the two most valuable men continue to be robbed. That’s all going to change, though, as they are ushering in a new era. He and Roode are getting on the same page, and what they are going to do is collect all the gold, one-by-one. They’ll start with the KO title, the TV title and the World title. Now, they’re going to start with the easiest titles to capture, that being the World Tag Team titles. Roode says they view Chavo and Hernandez like everyone else-nothing but a bunch of wankers.

Chavo and Hernandez make their way out. Chavo doesn’t like the “easiest championships” comment. To earn a title match against the champions, you have to be a tag team, and Aries/Roode aren’t one. Aries takes offense to that, and says Roode beat Hernandez fair and square. Chavo says that, since it’s OFN, why don’t they fight? Aries agrees and says that, if one of them beats one of the champs, they get a title match. Aries volunteers for the match, as does Chavo.

MATCH 3: Austin Aries (w/Bobby Roode) vs. World Tag Team Co-Champion Chavo Guerrero (w/Hernandez)
Chavo hits a forearm and a back suplex. Aries comes back with a Stun Gun. Chavo blocks a tope con hilo, hotshots Aries, and hits a hilo of his own. Chavo stomps Aries in the corner as we go to commercials.

We’re back, and Aries rolls to the floor off an Irish whip. Chavo connects with a plancha to the floor on Roode, and Aries takes him out with a suicide dive. Back in, Aries drops some elbows for 1. In the corner, Aries hits some chops, then chokes Chavo with his foot. Snapmare, followed by a spinning European uppercut from the middle for 2. Aries hits some body blows in the corner, and Chavo fights back before running into a kitchen sink. Buzzsaw gets 2 for Aries. Aries boxes the ears before hitting a hip throw into a side headlock. Aries thumbs him in the throat before connecting with a back body drop for 1. Up top, Aries mocks Chavo before missing a frog splash. Chavo fights back and hits a dropkick. Strikes in the corner, followed by a back body drop. Chavo goes for the 3 Amigos, but Aries escapes. He turns around into a rolling kick for 2. Chavo connects on the second try and goes up for the frog splash. Chavo connects, but Roode slides into the ring before the ref can count. He leaves as Hernandez also enters the ring, and with the distraction, Aries hits a running corner dropkick and the brainbuster for 3.

WINNER: Austin Aries.

Brooke Hogan runs into Buddy Ray to tell him that Hogan is here tonight. They are apparently headed to the ring now.

We see Kurt Angle with Samoa Joe and the Wonder Twins. Joe tells Angle he has what he wants tonight, and he guarantees things won’t happen in the cage the same way they did last time. The Wonder Twins pipe up, and Joe tells them no one needs them. Quit riding his jock. Foreshadowing. Dun-dun-dun…

Buddy Ray and Brooke Hogan make their way out. Hard to believe the guy is suspended when he keeps showing up every week. Just saying. Taz is blabbing about his ironclad contract that no one gives a damn about. Ray says that it’s been a rough couple of weeks for him and his husband. He loves Brooke very much, and it’s his love that got him suspended by Brooke’s dad. Hulk, Ray is family now, and the two of them have a common enemy. That enemy is Aces and Eights. He needs Hogan to lift the suspension. No one has been able to get him to do it. However, there’s one man that can, and that’s Sting, apparently. Sting enters the arena, and he’s back in the Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band jacket. I hope he enjoys his show. At least he’s painting his face like normal. He has news for Ray. He doesn’t have the stroke to pull Hogan out (?), but the people do. He calls for a “Hogan” chant, because Hogan’s ego hasn’t been stroked enough over the last two centuries. Hogan makes his way out, petting his chin. Sting says they have a warzone going on. They’re back together in the UK, so he can’t figure out a better place to make things right with Buddy Ray, right now. Hogan’s turn. Well you know something, Stingmun? There’s a war going on here in TNA. Why don’t you tell him something he doesn’t know, brother? At the end of the day, whether they’ve been friend or foe, he always does the right thing. As far as this woman goes, the day of her wedding, she was still his little girl, brother, and he did the right thing when he walked her down the aisle. As far as his family goes, he always does the right thing, brother. At the end of the day, he always does the right thing, and that’s why Buddy Ray is reinstated, brother, brother, brother, brother, jack, dude, jack, maniacs, mun, brother, brother. What makes him crazy is when business and family get confused. He’s taking care of that next week when he makes a match between two A and E guys vs. Sting and Buddy Ray. To make sure he takes care of all the business, next week, the tag match will be a Tables Match, brother.

Velvet Sky is on her way out for her OFN challenge, but first, Dixie Carter. Dixie Carter makes a condescending and scripted statement about taking TNA out of the Impact Zone and the company will be on the road permanently starting March 14th in Chicago.

Velvet Sky comes out, wearing probably the stupidest wrestling boots in history. She has something to get off her chest right now. It’s a special night for her, and because it’s OFN, it gives her the reason to call out the two reasons she’s not champion today. Tara, it would be in your best interest to come out now, and bring your Hollywood girlfriend Jesse with you. They come out and Sky says this isn’t a Handicap Match. While they were in the back drinking protein shakes, Sky got a partner. He drinks, but it isn’t protein

MATCH 4-Mixed Tag Team Match: Velvet Sky and James Storm vs. Jesse and Knockouts Champion Tara
Quite the demotion for Storm here, wouldn’t you say? The men start the match. Storm fires off some rights before hitting a shoulder off the ropes and a hip toss. Storm with a Snake Eyes and a hard right. Tara distracts Storm, and Jesse clubs him from behind. He stomps Storm down in the corner, then drags him to the middle for 1. Top wristlock is applied, and Jesse turns it into a snapmare and hits a legdrop for 2. Storm counters a bodyslam with a backstabber. The women tag in, and Sky does the hot tag offense. Side-Russian legsweep for 2 by Sky. Sky shoves her into Jesse and rolls her up for 2. Hairmare by Tara, and Sky tags out. Storm comes in and hits Closing Time on Jesse. Tara blocks the Last Call, so Sky hits In Yo Face and gets the pin. Wait, weren’t the guys still legal?

WINNERS: Velvet Sky and James Storm.

We see Hogan and Brooke talking to AI, and Hogan proceeds to suck up to Buddy Ray the entire time.

How many more times is the word “wheelhouse” going to be used tonight? Jesus.

Mr. Anderson is talking about how great Aces and Eights is. Then he rambles on about Kurt Angle. I’m not recapping the crap that comes out of his mouth anymore.

Kurt Angle and the Wonder Twins are checking on Samoa Joe, who has apparently been attacked.

MATCH 5-Cage Match: Mr. Anderson vs. Kurt Angle (w/Wes Brisco)
Anderson attacks as Angle gets into the ring. Hard whip into the corner by Anderson for 1. Anderson hits some shots to the ribs, and Angle blocks a suplex before running into a back elbow for 1. They trade shots before Angle hits a middle rope dropkick. Angle hits a pair of clotheslines and a German suplex. Anderson escapes the Angle Slam and hits a rolling fireman’s carry slam for 2. Anderson throws Angle into the cage wall, then drops an elbow to the back of the neck. Another throw into the cage. Angle reverses the third and hits the Angle Slam for 2. Commercials.

We’re back, and Angle is in control with rights. Anderson rakes the eyes and hits a clothesline. Mike Tenay announces that you can win this cage match by escape, something that TNA has always proudly proclaimed to be against. Way to go. Anderson starts climbing and Angle stops him. They trade punches while balancing on the top rope until Anderson gets knocked off. He ends up crotching Angle on the top rope, which is good for 2. Man, this cage is flimsy. Anderson drives some knees into the back. In the corner, Anderson hits some strikes before going to the corner to climb out. Angle manages to stop him, hitting a top rope Angle Slam in the process. Angle goes for the cover, getting 2. Anderson low blows him and hits the Mic Check for 2. Another pin, another 2. Anderson starts to climb once more, but Angle powerbombs him for 2 before applying the ankle lock. After about a minute, Anderson taps.

WINNER: Kurt Angle. We see an A and E member climbing into the cage as Wes Brisco manages to get the lock off the door. Brisco locks the door at Angle’s request after getting in the cage, and the A and E member removes his mask to reveal himself as Garett Bischoff. As Angle charges in, Brisco clips his knee from behind. He reveals he’s wearing an A and E vest, and the Wonder Twins beat Angle down. Garett picks Angle up and hits his stupid forward Ace Crusher finisher, then does the worst heel laugh I’ve seen in years.

End of show.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

WWE: SummerSlam 2012 DVD

WWE: Brock Lesnar – Here Comes the Pain! (Collector’s Edition) [Blu-ray]

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Tonight, the continuation of the Aces and Eights angle that has no end in sight, featuring the stupidest heel turn in recent memory.

The show opens by airing damn near the entire stupid ending to last week’s show, but with the inclusion of overly dramatic music at the end.

Todd Kenely and Mike Tenay are sans-Taz, but his chair is still there, so I’m sure he’ll be out later for really bad heel commentary. Tenay is pulling out the “Owen Hart has died” voice, and I want to stab him in the junk.

We see Aces and Eights riding around on their motorcycles in the parking lot, and there appears to be about 25 of them, because the faction needed more faceless members. Yes, indeed. The group starts to make their way into the Impact Zone, led by Taz. Mr. Anderson is with them in full costume, so I guess that means he’s officially a member now, despite never really doing anything at all over the last few weeks. Taz says that everyone is asking why he joined A and E. He called it an opportunity he couldn’t pass up. It’s a group of men with a revenge agenda, and furthermore, he is now living by the vision of a “higher power”. I am confused now, because Vince McMahon doesn’t work for TNA. He cracks some jokes about Brooke Hogan, saying the wedding was an opportunity for A and E to make their presence known and go to a higher level. He calls Buddy Ray just another victim, then says that Dixie Carter and Hulk Hogan need to look at Taz’s contract. He’s basically bulletproof, and if anyone puts a hand on him, he will own this place. He calls himself “Teflon Taz”. They are Aces and Eights, and they will roll over everyone. Buddy and Brooke, you were just collateral damage. Good luck dealing with these guys and the higher power.

We see Jesse and Tara in the back. Tara has a title match with Velvet Sky. Jesse then verbally fellates the two of them for a minute.

Tonight, Christopher Daniels gets a shot against Jeff Hardy for the World title. This is only Daniels’ second or third title match in nearly 11 years with this company. Ridiculous. Speaking of Daniels, AI is in the back with him and Kaz. He asks Kaz what his role in the title match tonight is, and Kaz says, “whole wheat”. I hate him. Anyway, he’s apparently a licensed manager now. Daniels calls tonight’s match a benchmark because the company needs him. He’s moments away from taking his place at the head of the table.

Taz has joined the announce desk.

MATCH 1-Knockouts Championship: Velvet Sky vs. Tara (Champion, w/Jesse)
Sky immediately rolls Tara up for 2. Another schoolgirl rollup gets another 2. Tara hits one of the weakest clotheslines I’ve ever seen. Sky hits a slow-motion Japanese armdrag and follows up with a jumping clothesline. Why is it all divas/knockouts hit their clotheslines with their arm straight out while jumping? It looks ridiculous. Sky hits another clothesline and a botched side-Russian legsweep, sending Tara to the floor. Sky whips her back in and hits a low dropkick, sending her back to the floor. Commercials.

We’re back, and Sky is still in control. Listening to the commentators bitch about Taz’s heel turn is giving me a migraine. Sky hits an axe kick to the head out of the corner, and a flying cross-body gets 2. Chops in the corner by Sky, followed by some shoulder thrusts. Tara blocks a monkey flip for 2. She slams Sky’s face into the mat and a float-over suplex gets another 2. Standing moonsault for another 2. Rear chinlock is applied, and Tara turns it into a side headlock. Sky fights out, but Tara knocks her back down. Sky is hairmared to the mat, and now Tara goes up top. Sky throws her off, and now both women are down. They trade punches from the knees, and Sky hits more of her stupid clotheslines. Slow-motion headscissors, and Sky some botched indy-tastic swinging facebuster. Sky goes for the pin, but Jesse jumps on the apron to argue with Taryn Terrell. Sky gets in his face and goes for a punch, but ducks an attack from Tara from behind, causing her to knock Jesse off the apron. Sky schoolgirls Tara, getting 2. Sky goes for a suplex near the ropes, but Jesse trips her up and holds onto her feet as Tara falls onto Sky, getting the 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Tara. God, did this match suck. Early “Worst Match of the Year” candidate.

OFN is back next week.

Sting is walking around outside the building when AI stops him and asks about last week’s wedding. Sting says now is not the right time, and he’ll say what he needs to later in the Impact Zone.

Kenny King and Zema Ion are in the locker room area, and they have a tag match tonight. King blames Christian York for costing him the X-Division title before reminding Ion that RVD beat him for the title. He tells Ion to sit on the apron, and he’ll do all of the heavy lifting.

Joseph Park makes his way out to some generic, nearly inaudible entrance music. I think it’s supposed to sound like the old L.A. Law theme, only terrible. Park says that, contrary to popular belief, he’s not the most graceful athlete in the world, not having competed in sports since the 3rd grade. But, being here in the last year, he’s realized his place is on the TNA roster and not in a courtroom with a judge. He realizes his debut match a few weeks ago didn’t go as planned, but he fought hard and even though he fought hard, he didn’t get the “W”, as the boys call it. It made him realize something though, and that is he is here to be the best he can be in TNA. Next week, Impact is in Manchester, England, and it’s OFN. Him being as committed as he is, he’s ready. His passport says that he’ll be in Manchester next Thursday, and he’ll be competing in his first-ever OFN. The question is, who should he choose as his first opponent? He doesn’t want to “kayfab” everybody, but he’s going to take the week to deliberate and study every member of the roster, and next week, he’ll render his verdict. What he can tell us for sure is that next week, the whole world will witness the Impact debut of Joseph Park (except, you know, for that match with Bully Ray he had a while ago), and in the ring with him, court will be in session.

MATCH 2: Zema Ion and Kenny King vs. World X-Division Champion Rob Van Dam and Christian York
RVD and Ion start the match with a few counters and strikes before RVD hits an elevated dropkick. York tags in and chops Ion in the corner. Kitchen sink off the ropes before RVD tags back in. York sends Ion into the corner, and RVD hits a rolling monkey flip. Ion attempts to land on his feet but is unable to do so because he sucks, resulting in a faceplant. RVD hits a low dropkick in the corner and sends Ion into the ropes. Ion slides to the floor as King grabs RVD by the hair off the rope bounce. RVD knocks King to the floor, allowing Ion to knock the distracted RVD down with a knee to the back. King tags in and hits some mounted punches off a float-over suplex. Ion back in, who stomps RVD in the face. Ion sends him hard into the corner, but misses the 450 splash. RVD misses an enziguri but lands on his feet and and nails a back kick to the face before tagging in York as Ion tags in King. York with the hot tag before locking King in a cravat and turning it into a side-Russian legsweep variation. York hits a misdirection kick to the chest and gets 2 before Ion breaks up the pin. RVD throws Ion to the corner and punches away, but Ion comes back with a boot. York sends King to the floor with a clothesline, but King pulls him to the outside before he can go for a plancha. In the ring, RVD hits a front powerslam on Ion and looks for the split-legged moonsault. King crotches him and goes for a back superplex, but RVD elbows his way out of the move. Ion pushes RVD to the floor and goes up top, where York cuts him off with a kick. King shoves York from behind as Ion makes the blind tag. King hotshots York over the top rope on the other side of the ring as Ion comes in with the tornado DDT through the ropes. York manages to throw Ion off on his face as King comes in and hits a springboard blockbuster. Ion quickly rolls York up and gets the 3.

WINNERS: Zema Ion and Kenny King.

Taz leaves the announce desk to answer a phone call.

We see Brooke Hogan and Buddy Ray drive into the parking lot and AI stops them on the way into the building to ask about the wedding. Ray says they’ll do their talking in the ring.

Ray and Brooke come out, and Ray immediately wants to know where Taz is, asking Tenay and Kenely at the announce desk. After Tenay explains that Taz went to answer a phone call, they head to the ring instead. Ray says that, last week, it should have been the greatest night in their lives. In reality, it was a nightmare. A lot of people were hurt last week. He expected this from Devon. Taz, you scumbag, he never expected this from you. Where is Taz? Nothing but a frickin’ coward. This is what you do to us? He doesn’t care that he got hurt; it’s the people around him that got hurt. The only man who has trusted him the last couple months is Sting, and Taz hurt Sting. The man that Ray has been trying to earn trust with, Hulk Hogan, was also hurt. Most of all, the one that you hurt the most was the woman Ray loves. How dare you ruin their biggest day. The things that Ray is going to do to every member of A and E, he can’t even say on national television. Every single one of them better sleep with one eye open. Look into his frickin’ eyes. He guarantees he will not sleep one frickin’ wink until he kicks every single one of their “m-effin’” asses. He can’t do any of that, however, unless Hulk Hogan lifts his suspension. Hogan is at home resting, taking care of business, but Ray needs to be reinstated. Lift the suspension, Hulk.

Sting joins the two in the ring. He says Hogan doesn’t do anything halfway, doing everything to the fullest no matter what. He knows Hogan is watching, but has only come halfway. He gave Brooke away to his new son-in-law. Now, it is time for Hogan to go all the way. He’s the best of all time. Next week, they’ll be in the UK together, and Sting believes Hogan will then announce his new son-in-law will be reinstated in TNA.

We see Bobby Roode and Austin Aries in the back. Aries tells Roode they both know they could beat Chavo Guerrero or Hernandez any of the week. Tonight, they have to figure out who should take out Hernandez. Roode says it should be Aries, as Aries’ speed is a perfect counter to Hernandez’ power. Aries disagrees, thinking Roode is a better match with his power and history as the longest-reigning champion. Roode points out Aries beat him, but Aries counters with saying he agrees his win might have been a fluke. Aries tells him good luck and walks away.

Jeff Hardy is walking around and cuts a rambling promo directed at Christopher Daniels.

MATCH 3: Bobby Roode vs. World Tag Team Co-Champion Hernandez (w/Chavo Guerrero)
Taz has rejoined the announce desk, so the awful commentary may continue. You know, I’ve heard better music in porn than what Chavo and Hernandez come out to. I mean, not that I partake in the erotica or anything. I just watched it once to see what all the hype was about. Honest. Hernandez shoves Roode into the corner off a lock-up. Roode goes for a waistlock but instead just clubs him down as Taz tells us Hernandez has a “big, thick, muscular skeletor”. He fires off some rights in the corner until Hernandez comes back with a back body drop. Delayed vertical suplex connects, and Roode rolls to the apron. Roode rakes the eyes before hotshotting Hernandez, then gets back in the ring, connecting with a neckbreaker for 2. Roode with some shoulder thrusts in the corner, followed by a snapmare and a rolling neck snap. Roode rakes the back, but Hernandez fights back with punches. Roode connects with a back elbow off the ropes for 2, then drops a series of elbows and a jumping kneedrop for another 2. Rear chinlock is applied, but Hernandez breaks the hold by backing Roode into the corner. He goes to the apron and hits a slingshot shoulderblock and a pair of back elbows. In the corner, Hernandez connects with an avalanche, and an over-the-shoulder backbreaker follows. Roode counters a back body drop with a boot and a chop, but runs right into a Pounce, sending him to the floor. Austin Aries runs to ringside and moves Roode out of a Supermex attempt, and now Chavo & Aries are brawling at ringside. The referee jumps outside to break up the fight as Roode gets back in the ring and hits a bulldog for 3.

WINNER: Bobby Roode. A bulldog for the finish? Really?

Kurt Angle is headed out to the ring.

I love that TNA made it seem like a major deal that Mr. Anderson had joined Aces and Eights, only to automatically turn him into an afterthought in the group.

Angle makes his way into the Impact Zone and says that he thought A and E would be temporary. Obviously, the group is in it for the long haul, and he’s sick and tired of their cheap shots, sneak attacks, and the injuries they’ve laid upon the TNA roster, including himself. And Taz, earlier tonight, you talked about revenge. You don’t know what revenge is. Next week is OFN, and Angle will get revenge at the hands of Mr. Anderson. As a matter of fact, Anderson, why don’t you come out here right now, because Angle has something to tell you personally. Anderson’s music hits, but he comes out from the A and E entrance instead of the stage. Anderson asks if Angle wants a fight next week about 812 times before saying he doesn’t want a fight next week…because he wants to do it now. Anderson slugs Angle, then beats him down in the corner. Angle knocks him down with a clothesline and goes for the ankle lock, but Anderson escapes through the crowd. Angle tells him he can keep running, but next week, it will be them one-on-one in a steel cage.

We see A and E partying in some dark room with hookers. We know they are hookers because Anderson walks in and says, “Hey, hookers. Shut up!” Brilliant dialogue there. Devon tells Anderson to chill out and the ladies to relax. He knows Anderson has Angle next week and is stressed, but he won’t Anderson go in without a battle plan. So, sit down, have some beer, and enjoy what is going on in the clubhouse.

MATCH 4-World Championship: Christopher Daniels (w/Kazarian) vs. Jeff Hardy (Champion)
Lock-up to start, and Daniels gives a clean break in the corner. Hardy applies a side headlock that Daniels breaks by ramming Hardy into the corner. Daniels hits some shoulder thrusts, but Hardy counters a corner whip with a headscissors. Hardy throws Daniels to the corner and follows up with a clothesline, knocking him down. He goes for the slingshot dropkick, but Daniels rolls to the floor. Back in, Daniels throws Hardy to the floor. Kaz jumps in the ring to celebrate with Daniels as we go to commercials.

Back from the break, Daniels knocks Hardy down with a clothesline, salutes the crowd, then flips them off. He pins Hardy, but only gets 2. Daniels grinds his elbow into Hardy’s eye, then hits a back suplex. Clothesline to the back of the neck gets 2. Daniels beats Hardy down with stomps and forearms all over the ring before Hardy crawls to the corner. Daniels headbutts him down, then presses his knee to the back of Hardy’s neck. Nightmare on Helms Street gets 2. Daniels applies a version of the katahajime, but Hardy fights out. As he goes to the ropes, Daniels whips him down by the hair. Daniels stomps Hardy down, but Hardy comes back with a short-arm hooking clothesline. They trade punches until Hardy hits a flying forearm. He follows up with an inverted atomic drop, a double legrdop and a seated dropkick. Reverse enziguri connects for 2. Middle rope splash for another 2. Hardy goes for the Botch in the Wind, but Daniels catches him and hits a Death Valley Driver for 2. He breaks the pin and turns it into a Koji Clutch. Hardy gets his foot on the ropes. In the corner, Daniels hits a palm strike. Hardy punches him and mounts the middle rope. Daniels climbs up top, looking for a super hurricanrana. Hardy fights him off and hits a sit-out gourdbuster from the middle for 2 as Daniels gets his foot on the rope. Hardy goes for the Twist, but Daniels reverses and hits Angel’s Wings for 2. Daniels calls for the BME, but Hardy moves. Daniels lands on his feet and runs into an elbow. Hardy goes for Botch in the Wind, but Daniels moves out of the way. Daniels goes for the pin, getting 2. Daniels calls for the Angel’s Wings again, and Hardy counters with a hurricanrana. He hits a sit-out Twist of Fate, causing Daniels to collide with Kaz, who was on the apron. Regular Twist of Fate connects, and the swanton bomb gets 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Jeff Hardy.

Taz leaves the announce desk once more and grabs a mic, wanting to interview Jeff Hardy. Taz has a question: What is he gonna do when A and E destroys everything and he’s left laying? What’s he going to do when his World title is gone? As Taz says this, a fat guy from A and E comes in and clips Hardy’s knee with a hammer.

End of show.

Well, the main event was relatively decent. Everything else was average-to-terrible. Listening to Taz and Tenay bitch at each other was especially intolerable.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

WWE: SummerSlam 2012 DVD

WWE: Brock Lesnar – Here Comes the Pain! (Collector’s Edition) [Blu-ray]

Grab discounted WWE DVDs, merchandise, t -shirts, figures, and more from the WWE Shop on Amazon.com

This week’s TNA Impact will not only feature the fallout from Genesis, but the Bully Ray/Brooke Hogan wedding, which I know none of you are excited about. Now that he’s a face, can we call him Buddy Ray instead?

Speaking of Bully Ray, we see him looking at a text message on his phone, shaking his head. Brother Runt walks in, wearing the old taped-up Dudley Boys glasses. Tommy Dreamer also walks into congratulate him. Shoot over to Brooke Hogan’s dressing room, and some of the knockouts are getting ready, as they are apparently bridesmaids.

Jeff Hardy makes his way into the Impact Zone, still the World Champion after Sunday night’s PPV. Fans are chanting, “You still got it!” I beg to differ. Hardy says the odds were stacked against him, and the “creatures” prevailed again. Bobby Roode and Austin Aries are two of the best on this planet, but Hardy is still the World Champion. I hate Impact Zone fans so very, very much. In this ring, Hardy fights through pain and people, and he fights for each one of us. That being said, he’s always ready to fight.

Bad Influence make their way onto the stage. Kaz asks Jeffrey if he’s ready for a fight. That’s funny because, in a week, you “Butt-puppets”, his friend, Christopher Daniels is going to bring the fight to Hardy and take the World Championship. Kaz needs to disappear from television. Daniels says he hears Jefferson bragging about his victories. Daniels can brag, too. He’s the “Thursday night delight”. He’s the man who sent AJ Styles home, and he beat James Storm at Genesis to become the #1 contender. He didn’t need any creatures to help him. They’re not “creatures of the night”; they’re creatures of habit, and the habit is losing. These people are losers, just like AJ, just like Storm, and just like Hardy. But, the “creatures” can smile, because once next Thursday comes around and he wins the title, he gives them permission to worship him. Hardy says they don’t need to wait until next Thursday. Let’s just do it now. Kaz and Daniels hit the ring and beat Hardy down until Storm joins the fight. He chases the heels off, which I’m sure will set up a tag team match. Storm asks if someone said something about fighting. If Bad Influence want a fight, why don’t they fight Storm and Hardy right now? Can I call this or what? Storm says he’s not asking, he’s demanding.

MATCH 1: World Champion Jeff Hardy and James Storm vs. Bad Influence (Christopher Daniels and Kazarian)
The match starts with Storm and Daniels brawling on the floor as Hardy and Kaz square off in the ring. The faces beat down the heels in opposite corners until Storm clotheslines Daniels back to the floor, rendering the last few seconds pointless. Hardy throws Kaz over the top as well, then hits a double dropkick through the ropes. Commercials.

We’re back, and Storm & Daniels are the legal men. Storm hits a back body drop. Hardy tags in for a double back elbow. Reverse enziguri connects for 2. Storm back in, who hits a double axe handle from the middle to the arm. Daniels backs Storm into his own corner, and Kaz chokes him over the bottom rope. Kaz tags in, and Daniels hiptosses Kaz onto Storm for 2. Kaz with a dropkick, and they fake a tag. Daniels with a foot choke in the corner before sending Storm hard into the buckles. Kaz back in, and he chokes Storm over the middle rope. Shoulder thrusts in the corner before Kaz rakes the eyes. Daniels back in, and he hits Nightmare on Helms Street for 1. Neck vice is applied, right into a rear chinlock. Storm fights out, but is hair-whipped down. Daniels goes for a suplex, but Storm reverses into a small package for 2. Daniels is back up and he takes Storm down before applying a rear chinlock. Storm fights out and hits a side-Russian legsweep. Hardy and Kaz tag in, and Hardy does the hot tag offense. Double legdrop by Hardy, followed by a seated dropkick for 2. Botch in the Wind connects for another 2 before Daniels breaks it up. Hardy shoves Kaz into Daniels, then drops him with a sit-out jawbreaker. Daniels rebounds and takes Hardy down with an STO. Storm comes in and hits Closing Time on Daniels, sending him to the floor. Storm connects with a slingshot plancha to the floor. Back in the ring, Kaz counters a Twist of Fate with a small package for 2. Hardy hits a quick Twist of Fate for the 3.

WINNERS: Jeff Hardy and James Storm. Daniels attacks Hardy from behind, and hits Angel’s Wings right on Hardy’s custom title belt.

We see footage of the Gut Check judges discussing last week, and apparently, only one of the two competitors last week can get a contract this time around. Al Snow says both did a great job, and Taz agrees. He and Snow then begin to argue about who was more impressive. Bruce Prichard makes a big deal about Brian Cage’s middle rope superplex, which really wasn’t all that great. They all say Jay Bradley was more impressive overall, but they need to think about this a little bit more. Decision time is up next. Personally, I’m going with Bradley on this one.

We see Brother Runt and Tommy Dreamer trying to get ready for the wedding. Joseph Park walks in and thanks Buddy Ray for his help and congratulates him on his wedding, giving him a box of Cuban cigars.

Back in the Impact Zone, Al Snow, Taz and Bruce Prichard are in the ring for decision time. Brian Cage comes out first, followed by Jay Bradley. Tonight, one of them gets a shot at getting a contract. Prichard tells them they were both good, but only one gets a chance. He tells Bradley he was impressive in his victory, but a win isn’t everything. Cage is put together and had a good outing last week, but unfortunately, it wasn’t enough. Cage is out. Taz’s decision is first. Short and sweet, his decision is no. Bradley gets his thirty seconds right away. Bradley points at Taz and tells him he’s humped so many highways, he probably owes them child support. But all that travel taught him discipline and took him all over the world. They’ve brought him here to the Impact Zone. He’s been trained by the best to be one of the best, and in one match last week, he and his Boomstick were trending worldwide. Look in his eyes. There’s no BS. He’s knocking on the door. Just let him in, and he’ll take care of the rest. Snow’s decision is next, and he says that last week, Bradley showed talent and skill. He had personality and presence and is connecting with the crowd. His answer is yes. Prichard is up now, and he says that, by listening to the crowd, Bradley has proven they care about him. Bradley has passion and guts, so his answer is yes. Jay Bradley is the newest member of the TNA roster. At least some decent talents are finally getting these spots.

MATCH 2: Christian York vs. Kenny King
This a rematch from Genesis, in which York was victorious. York hits a suicide dive before King gets in the ring. York rakes the eyes before slamming King into the steps. York blocks a throw into the post and clotheslines King. In the ring, King stomps him down. Out of the corner, York connects with another clothesline, then a chop to the chest. Kitchen sink for 2. In the corner, York hits some punches to the side of the head, hits several kicks and a chop to the chest. King tries to crawl to the outside, but York drags him back in. King gets to his feet and hits a reverse Dragon Whip. They counter each other a few times until York hits a low kick to the head. King tries a jumping roundhouse off the ropes, but York catches him and counters with a Union Jack. York goes for a burning hammer, but King rakes the eyes and rolls him up with a handful of tights for 3.

WINNER: Kenny King. Short but fun match. I’d like to see a longer match out of these two in the future.

In the back, Buddy Ray stops Sting and says he’s the only guy who trusts him. Tonight is a huge night, and Brooke needs to be happy. The thing that will make her happy is her dad walking her down the aisle. Hogan won’t talk to Ray, so Sting, please convince him to do the right thing. Sting says he will try his damnedest.

Taz leaves the broadcast booth because he’s apparently a groomsman tonight. If you’ve read the spoilers, you already know the stupid thing that happens later on.

Austin Aries is talking to himself in the mirror. Bobby Roode walks up, and they begin arguing over why neither of them is champion right now. Aries says this isn’t getting them anywhere. They’re about to go out for a stupid wedding. Where’s their celebration for carrying the company for a year. Aries says he’s wearing all black tonight, because this might turn into a funeral. He’s got a few objections, and he’s going to let them be known. Roode is going out, too, despite not being invited.

AI stops Hulk Hogan in the back, asking if he’s here for the wedding. Hogan ignores him and keeps walking away.

Back in Ray’s dressing room, Taz walks in on the rest of the group. Taz asks where “Paul” is, and Ray said he’d call back in five minutes. Hilarious. Dreamer asks Ray about Hogan, and he says Brooke is a wreck, and they both want Hogan here. Taz says Hogan is in a tough spot, since he’s the dad. Ray says that, bottom line, he’s marrying her, and his three brothers are here, so that’s all that matters.

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Sting enters the Impact Zone and says that it feels great to be here. The fans have arrived on a special evening. Tonight isn’t just an ordinary night; it’s a huge night. Love is in the air. Along with all the love floating around, though, there’s some tension in the air as well. Buddy Ray has asked him to address the tension, and that’s what he’s going to do right now. If Ray is a praying man, he better start praying right now. Hulkamania, please come down here. Sting needs to talk to you.

Hogan makes his way out, and I just noticed he shaved off all of the dyed stubble. He tells Sting to cut the crap and wants to know what Sting wants from him. Let’s cut to the chase and get down to business. Sting won’t pull the wool over his eyes. They’ve been in the business a long time, wrestled all over and traveled every road possible. They’ve both had people look them in the eyes and tell them they loved them, then walked away. They’ve both had best friends that have stabbed them in the back. Lay it out so Hogan knows where you’re coming from. Sting points out that Ray has been watching both Sting and Hogan’s backs a bunch of times, not to mention come to Brooke’s aid numerous times. Hogan says that, on social media, all of his fans are on his side. Everybody is telling him to watch out for himself, Sting and Hogan’s family. When it comes to things in and out of the ring, he calls them like he sees them. He gets a bad vibe off Buddy Ray, so as far as he’s concerned, there will never be trust there. Sting tells Hogan he needs to do this for himself and, more importantly, for his daughter tonight. Hogan says he always does the right thing, brother. He drops his mic and stomps out of the ring.

We see Gail Kim approach Taryn Terrell in a dressing room. Kim asks how long she’s been here. Taryn says six months. Kim points out she’s been wrestling for 13 years, then shows iPad video from Genesis about all of the blunders Taryn made during her title match. Kim has another chance to be #1 contender, and Taryn promises to call everything down the middle. Kim tells her that she better call things down the middle or else.

We see footage from Buddy Ray’s bachelor party. He’s hanging out with strippers, and…that’s pretty much it.

MATCH 3-Winner becomes the new #1 contender for the Knockouts title: Gail Kim vs. Velvet Sky
They added words to Kim’s entrance music for no reason. Lock-up to start, and Sky gives a clean break on the ropes. Another lock-up, and Kim backs her into the corner, giving another clean break. Another lock-up, and Kim turns it into a side headlock. Sky fights out and shoulders Kim to the floor off the ropes. Back in, Kim knees Sky in the gut before throwing her to the corner. Foot choke on the top buckle. Kim goes for a fireman’s carry, but Sky counters into a sunset flip for 2. Sky ducks a clothesline and rolls Kim up in a schoolgirl for another 2. Kim is back up and she blasts Sky with a kick. Foot choke over the middle rope by Kim. Running clothesline off the ropes by Kim following a forearm strike. The Happy Ending connects for 2. Sky counters a corner charge with an axe kick and hits a suplex for 2. She goes for In Yo Face, but Kim backs her into the corner. She slams Sky’s face into the mat, then chokes her with the knee for 2. Kim applies a headscissors, then breaks the hold with a kick to the neck. Sky gets sent to the corner and blocks a charge with a boot. She goes for a bulldog, but Kim stands her ground and shoves Sky into the opposite corner. Sky rebounds and runs right into a seated dropkick. Eat Defeat connects, but Sky gets her foot under the bottom rope at 2. Kim backs Taryn into the corner to argue with the decision, and Sky pulls her to the middle of the ring with a bulldog. Pair of clotheslines and a headscissors by Sky. She hits a facebuster before connecting with In Yo Face for 3.

WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: Velvet Sky.

Dixie Carter and Brooke Hogan are in the back, and Carter’s acting is just the tops. Not to be outdone, Brooke begins her fake crying as they bawl all over each other. Dixie tells her that, no matter what, her dad loves her very much.

Jesus. There are still about 25 minutes left in this show, and we’re going into the wedding. I don’t want to recap a 25-minute wedding, or any wrestling wedding, for that matter.

The introductions for the wedding are about to start when Bobby Roode and Austin Aries make their way out instead. Roode wants to understand what’s going on here tonight. Everybody here and everybody watching at home are about to witness a wedding between Buddy Ray and Brooke Hogan. The fact is the only celebration should be going on is Roode and Aries. If it weren’t for the two of them, there wouldn’t even be a show. They are two of the greatest wrestlers on Earth. Roode is the longest-reigning champion in company history. Aries then beat said champion. Aries says that, all of the great moments of 2012 in TNA is thanks to them. Now, did they get appreciation for that? No. Did they get any thanks? No. The lack of respect this company has for himself and Roode has spawned a mutual respect for their talents. There was a time in this company when it could be proud of its champions, like when they held the title. That day is no longer. The company is taking a step 10 years in the past. You’ve got RVD as X-Division Champion. You’ve got Devon as TV Champion. You’ve got Chavo and Hernandez as Tag Team Champions, and of course, the golden child as World Champion. You can scream and paint your faces, but right now, you’re looking at the two men who make this company worth anything. The lack of respect makes them sick. Roode interjects and says they object to the wedding.

Because absolutely no one ever asked for it, Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez make their way out. Chavo says they object as well. Let it be noted the champions also object. They step into the ring and Chavo says they do not object to the wedding. They object to the statement that these two clowns are making about the champions in this company. Chavo says they are no longer champions in this country (yep). Aries wants to go back to Chavo’s objection. He’s got one, too. He didn’t know the caterers were allowed to attend the wedding reception. Roode then asks for quesadillas. The champs fake a laugh and brawl. At least Chavo finally shut the hell up. Hernandez goes for a Border Toss on Aries, but Roode pulls Aries to the floor before any further damage can be done.

I’m sure countless people will disagree with Hogan’s statement that he always does the right thing, brother. Just saying.

Speaking of Hogan, we’re now in his office, where he and Sting are having a pow-wow. Hogan Shows a picture of him and Brooke at a young age, saying he’s always tried to protect her from everything bad in the business. This isn’t about Buddy Ray. For Brooke, he knows how this movie ends. Sting says the business has jaded them, and he doesn’t disagree with Hogan. However, Hogan has done such a good job of raising and protecting her, that maybe she can see something in Ray Hogan can’t because the business has blinded him. He’s wrong about Ray, and he needs to walk Brooke down that aisle. Hogan says he’s going to pack his stuff up and get out here, but he always does the right thing for business and his family.

We’re finally ready to do this stupid-ass wedding, with 14 minutes left of show. Buddy Ray comes out first. Dreamer and Miss Tessmacher are out next, followed by Brother Runt and Mickie James, and finally, Taz with Christy Hemme. Brooke eventually comes out, looking like a giant creamsicle. She looks for her dad a few times, and he eventually does come out to walk her down. You know it’s a bad night when Mickie James comes off more slutty in a bride’s maid dress than Christy Hemme or Miss Tessmacher. The segment goes through the standard wedding crap, and Hogan officially gives Brooke away. More standard wedding processions, and I notice this minister looks like an even more weasily version of Johnny Knoxville. We get to the exchanging of vows as I drift off. Brooke’s acting is atrocious. Hogan is stroking his beard like a pedophile in the background. Ray gives some generic “You are the one” speech. As you can tell, I’m not invested in this segment at all. The minister gets to the “is there anyone who doesn’t think…” part, and no one interrupts. Brooke says “I do”, and Ray does the same. Before the minister makes it official, Taz interrupts. He can’t take this anymore. He asks if Ray is sure he wants to do this. Ray says yes. Taz’s second question is, is it just him, or is it hot in here? Taz takes his jacket off, and in one of the stupidest heel turns in wrestling history, he turns around to reveal he’s wearing an Aces and Eights vest. A and E hit the ring and destroy the wedding party. Mike Knox and DOC hold onto Brooke and make her watch the beating. Knox, by the way, is showing no ill-effects from having taken a ball-peen hammer shot to the hand last week. Devon knocks Ray out with a pedestal. Brooke forgot to not smile while she was fake crying. Sting apparently joined the fight at some point, but was also taken out.

End of show.

And just like that, Taz’s remaining sliver of credibility is gone. Way to go, Peter.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

WWE: SummerSlam 2012 DVD

WWE: Brock Lesnar – Here Comes the Pain! (Collector’s Edition) [Blu-ray]

Grab discounted WWE DVDs, merchandise, t -shirts, figures, and more from the WWE Shop on Amazon.com

Even though I don’t order TNA pay-per-views, because I do recaps every week, I probably pay closer attention to TNA than anyone else that works for CCB, and probably most CCB readers, too. Like Scrubbing Bubbles, I work hard so you don’t have to. As a result, I have been asked to do predictions for TNA pay-per-views from this point on, which is fine. This especially works for me since it was announced on this week’s Impact that TNA will now only run four pay-per-views a year. This is one move TNA is doing that I actually agree with, and would like to see WWE revert back to. Anyway, here are my thoughts on who will win at TNA’s first pay-per-view of 2013.

DOC vs. Sting: I do not care about Sting at all at this point, and it would really benefit DOC to take home the victory. Having said that, you should fully expect Sting to win here. How often does he lose at this point, and since this is 812th big return to TNA, L. Ron Hubbard forbid he lose his first PPV match back.

Christopher Daniels vs. James Storm: This one could go either way. While it seemed like plans for Storm becoming champion once again were in the works for a while, he has more or less become a lackey for Hardy at this point, with little else going for him at the moment. Still, he hardly ever seems to lose on PPV, so I’m expecting a Storm victory. I would prefer that Daniels took the match, especially since he has momentum coming off his victory over AJ Styles, but I don’t see it happen.

Joseph Park vs. World Television Champion Devon: I am sick of both the Park & Aces and Eights angles, so it makes sense to mash them together once again. While I could see Park winning since he’s now a wrestler according to the storyline, it makes more sense to have Devon go over and instead have Park go on a losing streak for a bit so his first win seems major. I see Devon winning the match, possibly bloodying Park in the process, with Park snapping after the match is over.

Knockouts Gauntlet Match to determine a new #1 contender to the Knockouts Championship-Gail Kim vs. ODB vs. Miss Tessmacher vs. Mickie James vs. Velvet Sky: Gail Kim is the most deserving competitor here, but the victory will likely go to either Sky or James since they both returned recently. Sky, despite being the most worthless knockout on the entire roster, is likely the odds-on favorite since TNA is attempting to continue the story that she never got her rematch after losing the title a while back.

World Tag Team Championship: Matt Morgan and Joey Ryan vs. Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez (Champions): The champs really need to drop the belts here. Morgan and Ryan have momentum on their side, and a title win here should be the first step in Morgan’s planned singles push. Why they are so hell-bent on pushing Morgan, I’ll never know. The guy isn’t over and never will be, and despite Joey Ryan being the sidekick here, he’s way more over than Morgan, not to mention a better performer overall. Anyway, as not over as Morgan is, Chavo and Hernandez are even less over, and there’s no reason for them to hold the belts. They’re not even a good team. Also, is it just me, or has TNA’s once great tag team division boiled down to 2 or 3 thrown together pairs and little else? Fans used to say WWE had a weak tag division and TNA’s was one of the best. Now, as Paper Copy Chicken from Cow and Chicken once said, the shoe is on the other hand.

X-Division Tournament Final-Kenny King vs. Christian York: The winner of this match gets a championship match later in the evening, and this one has the potential to steal the show. Both guys have looked awesome since signing with TNA, and if they’re given enough time, you could have something special here. You can’t really go wrong with either guy going over in this one, but considering the recent mini-feud between King and RVD, I’m picking him for the win.

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World X-Division Championship-Kenny King vs. Rob Van Dam (Champion): King needs to go over here. Rob Van Dam is in his forties, and is the head of a division that is supposed to be built around young, athletic and exciting talents. While RVD is still athletic, he has been a drone since signing with TNA. His matches are formulaic, and you can tell he’s just going through the motions at this point. Meanwhile, King is exactly what the X-Division needs as its face, and a win here would be a huge step in the right direction for TNA’s attempt to once again make the division mean something. King needs to win this match and become the new champion.

Triple Threat Elimination Match for the World Championship: Jeff Hardy (Champion) vs. Austin Aries vs. Bobby Roode: Despite both Roode and Aries being extremely deserving of another title run, there is no way Hardy is losing here. TNA are going to continue their story about Hardy’s comeback and him supposedly being better than ever until Bound For Glory, if I had to wager a guess. Plus, you can tell from just this week’s episode of Impact that Hardy is not dropping the belt. They did several video packages for the match, with Hardy getting 90% of the face time. Aries was briefly featured, and Roode’s presence was non-existent. I’m not sure why Roode is being treated like such an afterthought in these videos, but the fact that he is considered as such is extremely obvious. Aries should be the man to win here, but if you’re a betting person, put your money on Hardy to retain.

Full TNA Genesis 2013 card & matches…
Jeff Hardy vs. Bobby Roode vs. Austin Aries in a Triple Threat Elimination Match for the World Championship
Sting vs. Doc
Christopher Daniels vs. James Storm
Joseph Park vs. Devon
Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez vs. Joey Ryan and Matt Morgan for the World Tag Team Championship
Christian York vs. Kenny King
Rob Van Dam vs. York/King winner for the TNA World X-Division Championship
Gail Kim vs. ODB vs. Miss Tessmacher vs. Mickie James vs. Velvet Sky

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

WWE: Royal Rumble 2013 DVD

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WWE: CM Punk Best in the World DVD

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This week’s edition of Impact Wrestling opens up with Sting, which leads me to believe we’ll get a long-winded promo full of nonsensical yelling. Sting is accompanied by Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe, and this leads me to believe the main event will be made into a 6-man. Sting says he told the world he’d come back last week, and he did. That was the beginning, and he’s just getting started.

This Sunday at Genesis, he’s looking for DOC. As for tonight, he’s feeling a little bit frisky. He didn’t come alone, bringing his close friends. Aces and Eights, you are invited to come get some. Joe takes the mic and says that, last week, A and E may have had him out manned, but they learned they didn’t have him outdone. Tonight, he’s putting them on notice. When you get in Joe’s face, Joe is going to beat you down, and Joe is going to choke you out. Angle’s turn, and he made a promise this year that all masks would come off and expose A and E for the cowards that they are. He started last week, and tonight, he wants to expose someone else. That man stood outside the cage and did nothing, and he wants to know where this man stands. Mr. Anderson, why don’t you come out and explain whose side you’re on.

Anderson comes out, and he stops at ringside. He calls this all rich. Where were they when he was getting beaten up by A and E a few months ago? Did anyone come to his rescue? No. The ironic part is, that night, he was supposed to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with Sting in the ring, and Sting just left him hanging, and also replaced him right away with Bully Ray. He doesn’t know what these guys’ problems are. Angle says he doesn’t have a problem, but Anderson is either with them, or there’s going to be a fight. Anderson starts to head into the ring, and proceeds to stare Angle down. He says he doesn’t have to answer to Angle, and in fact, he never has liked Angle. Angle says the feeling’s mutual, and then tackles Anderson and punches on him for a minute before Anderson bails.

Tonight, Gut Check returns, and this time, it’s two contestants facing off against each other. The first is Jay Bradley, who is a former WWE developmental talent, and has been in the business for probably a decade or so.

Brooke Hogan arrives in a golf cart, and AI stops him to ask what’s going on with daddy. She says she’s going to talk to her dad, then answers the phone. Bully Ray is apparently on the other end.

MATCH 1-X-Division tournament semifinal: Zema Ion vs. Kenny King
Ion gets the jobber non-entrance (as he should), so he’s going down. King backs Ion into the corner and hits a kneelift. He counters a corner charge by backdropping Ion to the apron, then knocking him off with a kick to the head. King misses a corkscrew plancha to the floor, but lands on his feet. Ion then botches a somersault plancha to the floor. Back in, King recovers, hits a stun gun, then knocks Ion down with a roundhouse. During this series, Mike Tenay announces that TNA will only have four pay-per-views this year. Back to the match, King gets 2. King hits a northern lights and rolls through for some mounted punches for 2. Ion sends King into the corner, but misses an attack through the ropes and lands on the apron, he ducks a King roundhouse and hotshots him. Ion lands the tornado DDT through the ropes for 2. King recovers and goes for the Royal Flush, but Ion counters into a small package for 2. Ion goes for his back suplex into a facebreaker, but botches it and drives King head-first into the mat for 2. Ion sucks so much. Up top, Ion misses the 450 splash. King gets back up and hits the Royal Flush for 3.

WINNER: Kenny King. After the match, King tells the crowd that Christy Hemme will announces him on Sunday as the new X-Division Champion.

The Robbies are in the back, and E is complaining about everything bad happening to him. Tonight, Jesse and Tara have challenged him to a mixed tag match. He asks Miss Tessmacher to be his partner, and she tells him he disgusts her. E says he’ll do in anything, and Tessy agrees, but on the condition that she tag with a winner instead, meaning Robbie T.

Joseph Park enters the building, and he’s all excited about being back and being able to wrestle. When he walks in and sees Hulk Hogan tonight, it won’t be as an attorney, it’ll be as a wrestler. He goes into the building, but the door is locked.

MATCH 2-Mixed Tag Team Match: Jesse and Knockouts Champion Tara vs. Miss Tessmacher and Robbie T (w/Robbie E)
The guys start, and Jesse attacks from behind. T shoves him away before hitting a hip toss and a bodyslam. Tara tags in, so Tessy has to come in as well. Tessy hits some clotheslines, then humps Tara’s face in the corner before hitting the Shout-Out. Stinkface follows, and Tara tags out. T throws Jesse to the corner, then hits a powerbomb for the 3.

WINNERS: Miss Tessmacher and Robbie T. T and Tessy decide to dance after the match while E looks on. Then they make out. Hooray.

We hear from the second Gut Check contestant, that being an indy wrestler from California named Brian Cage. Cage is also a former WWE developmental talent, and he was released in 2009 for what is listed as “unknown reasons”. I’ve noticed that both guys tonight have some of the douchiest facial hair you’ve ever seen.

MATCH 3-Gut Check: Brian Cage vs. Jay Bradley
Bradley backs Cage into the corner, so Cage shoves him. They go back to a lock-up, and Bradley goes into a waistlock. Cage counters into a hammerlock, and Bradley counters that into a waistlock takedown. Bradley rolls Cage up for 1, then applies a front chancery. Cage counters into a crucifix for 2. They both get up and trade forearms and European uppercuts. Cage goes for a rolling elbow, but Bradley sees it coming and boots him away. He follows up with a mafia kick, then stomps Cage down. Bodyslam by Bradley, followed by a jumping kneedrop. Cage counters a lariat with a dropkick, sending Bradley to the apron. Cage hits a superplex from the middle rope, then hits a twisting flying elbow to the back for 2. Bradley ducks a rolling elbow and hits a lariat that he calls The Boomstick for 3.

WINNER: Jay Bradley. “The Boomstick” may just be the best name for a finisher in wrestling history.

We’re in the A and E clubhouse, and everyone is chatting until Mr. Anderson interrupts thing. He says there’s a time and place to have a good time, but tonight is not it. Something needs to be done about Kurt Angle. Black Scorpion says Anderson is right, but tonight is not about personal beefs; it’s about club business. They enter the area where the poker table is, and BS says that tonight, the first order of business is Mike Knox. Angle took his mask last week after BS told everyone to not ever lose their masks. Knox starts to make excuses, but no one wants to hear it. When DOC lost his mask, he had to earn his spot, and tonight, Knox will have the same opportunity. Either make it right, or there’s trouble.

Joseph Park is in the ring, and he’s back from wrestling camp, thankfully in one piece. At this point in time, he respectfully requests that GM Hulk Hogan come to the ring, please. Hogan hobbles his way down and congratulates Park on his short stint in wrestling school, but he’s got business to deal with, so let’s make this quick. Park knows Hogan has bigger things to deal with, but he just wanted to thank Hogan to give him the motivation to go to wrestling camp and be trained professionally. He’d also like to thank Danny Davis for whipping him into shape and giving him a solid foundation. He knows he’s still considered a green hornet, but tonight, he’s in the ring, begging Hogan. He’s not here as a lawyer; he’s here as a wrestler. Hogan says he needs a couple more years before he’s ready. Park tells Hogan to listen to the crowd, then says he did everything he was supposed to do to become a wrestler. His business is in Impact Wrestling with Aces and Eights. He wants a match with a member of A and E, and Hogan grants it to him.

As Park leaves, Brooke Hogan appears on the big screen. She can’t believe her dad wants to deal with this in public, but that’s fine. She’s coming out to the ring right now to deal with this. She heads to the ring and says Hogan hasn’t answered her text messages or voicemails. He’s her father, and he’s never done this before. She has a question, and his answer will determine their relationship for a very long time. Hogan tells her to just ask it already. She asks if he’s going to reinstate Mark (Bully Ray), or keep this up like a personal vendetta. Hogan has an answer, and the answer is no. He storms out of the ring as Brooke does an awful job pretending to cry.

Austin Aries and Bobby Roode are walking towards the ring, arguing about who has a better t-shirt. Then they argue about who is going to wear what to the ring. Aries cuts off the argument and says they can agree they deserve to be champion more than Hardy or Storm. He calls them a “wet dream team”, so tonight, they need to be professionals and take care of their problem, and then deal with the problems between them. This leads to more arguing about wardrobes.

Video package for the triple threat match at Genesis, featuring comments from Aries and Hardy. For some reason, Roode is completely absent from this video, despite also being in the match.

MATCH 4: Bobby Roode and Austin Aries vs. James Storm and World Champion Jeff Hardy
Roode and Hardy start the match, and Roode applies a side headlock. Shoulder off the ropes by Roode, and a crisscross ends with a hiptoss by Hardy. Another crisscross, and Hardy shoulders Roode down. Roode forces a tag to Aries, and Aries trips Hardy before applying a front chancery. Hardy backs Aries into a corner, then hits a spinning headscissors out of the opposite corner. Hardy hits atomic drops on both heels, then tags Storm in, and they hit a double back elbow on Roode. Poetry in Motion on Aries, and Aries is tied up in the ropes, upside down. Roode helps him down, and he lands on his back on the floor. The heels are arguing as we go to commercial.

We’re back, and Hardy & Roode are the legal men. Hardy goes for the Botch in the Wind, but Aries grabs his foot from the apron. Hardy kicks him to the floor, and Roode crotches Hardy, sending him to the mat. Roode stomps Hardy down, and Aries tags himself in. Aries hits an elbow from the top rope, then begins working on Hardy’s left leg. Aries applies the front chancery once more, then sends Hardy into Roode’s boot before making the tag. Hardy manages to get Roode in a sunset flip, but the referee is arguing with Aries. He turns around to make the pin, but only counts to 2. Roode rebounds and makes the fake tag to Aries, who gets 2. He tags Roode back in, and Roode hits a bodyslam, followed by a Vader Bomb for 2. Aries back in, and he hits a corkscrew elbow from the middle rope for 2. Aries begins boxing Hardy’s ears before Roode tags in. Roode hits a suplex and a jumping kneedrop. Aries back in, and he hits a back suplex and a kneedrop from the bottom rope. Roode tags himself back in, and Hardy blocks the dive by getting his feet up. Hardy hits a reverse enziguri and tags in Storm as Aries tags in. Storm does the hot tag offense. Side-Russian legsweep on Roode, followed by a back body drop. Alabama Slam on Aries before Storm charges in on Roode. Roode backdrops him to the apron, but Storm lands on his feet and kicks Roode in the head. Storm hits a neckbreaker off the ropes for 2, but Aries tries to break up the pin, Storm hits him with Closing Time, sending Aries to the floor. He signals for the Last Call, but Christopher Daniels shows up out of nowhere and jumps on the apron. As the referee is telling him to leave, Kazarian pulls Storm out of the ring. Storm sends Kaz into the steps, and as Daniels comes in from behind, Storm turns around and fights him off. In the ring, Hardy hits the sit-out Twist of Fate on Roode. He calls for the standard version, but Aries clobbers him in the back of the head with the title belt, causing the DQ.

WINNERS VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Jeff Hardy and James Storm. The heels continue to attack Hardy after the match, then fight over who is going to hold the belts over their heads.

Brooke Hogan is in the back, on her phone once more. She’s apparently on the phone with Bully Ray again, and she’s telling him not to come here, then tells him to pick her up outside the office.

Up next, Mr. Anderson faces Kurt Angle.

Joey Ryan and Matt Morgan are in the back, and Ryan is telling everyone they’re winning the gold, and that size matters. Before Morgan can start speaking, Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez attack them from behind.

Another video for the triple threat match at Genesis. We hear from Hardy and “Toolbox” Mike Tenay. Once again, Roode’s presence is non-existent.

MATCH 5: Mr. Anderson vs. Kurt Angle
Man, did I not miss Anderson being gone from TNA. Can’t they just please give up on him already? Anderson slides to the floor before the bell rings, so Angle gets on the mic and asks him when he turned into a bitch. He tells Anderson to get his ugly ass in the ring, and the referee audibly tells him to watch his language. Before Anderson does that, Mike Knox hits the ring and attacks Angle with the ball-peen hammer.

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WINNER: No contest. Knox continues to attack Angle until the Wonder Twins hit the ring and chase him off. Samoa Joe joins them after Knox has already left, which is kind of pointless. Meanwhile, the rest of A and E are waiting for Knox at ringside, congratulating him. The medics come out, as apparently Angle was hit right across the neck, and they are hauling him out on a body board. Just to make this clear, I’m only referring to Knox as such because, thus far, TNA has not given him a name. Just pointing that out. We then see a replay of Knox hitting Angle in the neck. I’m no doctor, but last time I checked, the back of the shoulder is not the same as the neck.

As Angle is being hauled away, Sting’s music hits, bat in hand. He tells Devon that if he calls off his troops, Sting will call off his own if he can have Knox right now. Well, I guess TNA is going to call him Knox as well.

MATCH 6: Mike Knox vs. Sting
Before the bell rings, Sting hits Knox in the gut with his bat. As referee Earl Hebner takes the bat and the hammer away, Knox kicks Sting in the knee, and the match is officially underway. As Knox continues the attack, it dawns on me that, with his shaved head, beard and ring gear, he resembles former WWF bad idea Xanta Klaus (aka Balls Mahoney). Knox fires off lefts and rights in the corner, then drops Sting with a clothesline. Gotta love the stupid “Let’s go, Sti-ing!” chants in the crowd. Knox chokes Sting over the middle rope, then drops a leg across his back. Sting rolls to the floor and Knox follows. Sting fights back, sending Knox into the steps. I realize Knox has gained a lot of weight over the years (and this was reportedly one of the reasons WWE fired him), but man, he is fatter than holy hell at this point. Sting sends Knox into the steps once more, then a third time for good measure. Sting drags Knox to the other side of the ring and slams him into the guardrail. He hits a Stinger Splash against the guardrail before throwing Knox back in. He goes for the Scorpion Deathlock, but Knox boots him off into the corner, where he hits an avalanche. Sting no-sells the avalanche and sends Knox face-first into the opposite corner, where he hits a slow-motion Stinger Splash across the back. Sting hits the Scorpion Death Drop and gets the 3.

WINNER: Sting. Totally pointless squash. Granted, Knox should be used to being the recipient of these after so many years. Anyway, Sting grabs the hammer and begins assaulting Knox with it, but before Sting can brain Knox with it, Devon cuts him off and tells him to think twice. He and the rest of the group are holding Brooke Hogan hostage. Devon tells Sting that, if he comes any closer, the next time we see Brooke, we won’t recognize her. That could only be an improvement. Devon then tells Brooke to, “Shut up, bitch!”, which makes me laugh. He asks Sting who is in control. He told us 2013 would be Aces and Eights’ year, and they will reign supreme just like in 2012. On this note, Bully Ray runs down to ringside with his chain and hits one of the gang members. The rest throw Brooke into his arms before they flee. Meanwhile, we see Hogan standing on the stage, stroking his dyed stubble.

Back from commercials, Hogan is in the ring with Sting, Brooke and Ray. Hogan says he’s supposed to thank Ray for putting his daughter’s life in harm’s way, and bow down to kiss Ray’s rear end for all of the carnage he’s causing in Hogan’s life. He says Ray isn’t for real, he doesn’t believe him, and he’s not the man for Hogan’s daughter. Ray tells Sting to talk some sense to him before telling Hogan he’s so wound up, he’s now talking crap to one of his closest friends. Hogan is nuts. Ray has been wrestling for 20 years, and it is his life. All he ever cared about was being the best pro wrestler he could be and maybe one day be as good as Sting or as great as Hogan. He loves this business, and he never thought he would love anything as much as pro wrestling. And then Hogan’s daughter came along. The crazy thing is, she came into his life because she was apologizing for Hogan being such a hard ass and not trusting Ray.

Ray is so wound up he’s almost at a loss for words. He knows this is happening so quickly. Hogan throws down his microphone, and Ray says he can do the same thing. He knows things have moved quickly, but screw it. He pulls Brooke in between them and says he’s not good with feelings and emotions. He knows he’s a hard ass, but when Ray is with Brooke, things are different. She makes him laugh. Ray then gets down on one knee and presents a ring to Brooke. He tells her he loves her. He knows their entire relationship has played out in front of the world, and he doesn’t care. He wants everyone to know how much he loves her, and wants her to marry him. Brooke says yes, and they make out in the ring. Ray says he wants to marry her next week in front of everyone. They continue doing the worst fake make-out job in history as Hogan walks away, grunting.

End of show.

I don’t ever want to see Brooke Hogan, Bully Ray and Hulk Hogan involved in the same storyline ever again. This Hogan Family Verbal Fellatio Fest is too much to handle.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

WWE: Royal Rumble 2013 DVD

WWE: Raw 100 – The Top 100 Moments in Raw History

WWE: CM Punk Best in the World DVD

Grab discounted WWE DVDs, merchandise, t -shirts, figures, and more from the WWE Shop on Amazon.com