If you missed TNA Impact Wrestling Sacrifice 2012 you missed one of the better pay per view events in TNA history. Bobby Roode and Rob Van Dam topped off a fast paced show with one of the most exciting matches of the year.
I tend to be more critical of TNA Wrestling on a week to basis than I’d like to be. Unfortunately they just have a great knack of making moves in and out of the ring that makes you scratch your head. At the same time I think it is important to give the company props when deserved and in my mind they deserve all of the props they can get for an outstanding Sacrifice event on Sunday night.
Bobby Roode retained the TNA Impact Wrestling world heavyweight championship defeating former champion Rob Van Dam in a ladder match. As far as TNA pay per view main-events, I’d rank this as one of the top main-events in company history. Now purists (or if fans with the last name Cornette) will probably hate this match due to the excessive high risk bumps you get from a ladder match. But if you like crazy, action-packed, crazy bumping ladder matches than this is right in your wheelhouse.
The finish of this one was weird to say the least. I have seen a few reports that have called it a botched finish, yet I am not so sure it didn’t go exactly as planned. Roode was climbing the ladder when RVD tied to jump towards him to stop the climb. Van Dam landed with his knee or ankle twisted and tangled between the rungs. It looked sick! Both guys tried once again to climb the ladder. Roode kicked RVD off the ladder, grabbed the title, and retained.
I am becoming a bigger Bobby Roode fan by the week. I’ll admit that I didn’t get it and was critical of the push and title run early on. However, I can admit that I was dead wrong on this one. The guy has worked his butt off putting on very good-great matches every time he has had the spot on pay per view. The kid is a workhorse and has done more to put an emphasis on championship matches than anyone has in a long time. His promos and presence are just as good and I think TNA has a great thing going with Roode in the championship spot.
The other highlight of the night for me was the Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles match. This one reminded me a lot of those early Randy Orton vs. Christian matches where both were babyfaces. Angle got the win here with a heel hook in a great match if you are into those babyface vs. babyface matches (which I am). Even better, the post match set up a feud with Kazarian and Christopher Daniels vs. Angle and Styles in what has potential to be the feud or match series of the year. Kazarian and Daniels beat down Styles after the match and Angle made the save. All of the sudden I have a big reason to start tuning in on Thursday nights.
The fail of the show and believe me there is one big fail on every TNA show goes to my least favorite pushed wrestler in Ken Anderson. Anderson defeated Jeff Hardy in a fairly average match which was not nearly as exciting Jeff’s recent matches in TNA. Referee Earl Hebner botched the finish here and counted to three after Hardy kicked out. That is a big fail but the huge fail came when Anderson threw a temper tantrum following the match…in which he just won! Yes, it was a screwed up finish but nobody had to know that at home. Instead, Anderson looks like an idiot getting mad after he just defeated Jeff Hardy because the 5,000 people watching didn’t see his last few spots. This was bush league to me and probably looked very odd to the casual fan who couldn’t make heads or tails of what was going on.
Overall the show was pretty damned good with two great main-events. It should be noted that whether it is coincidence or not that believe it or not, Dixie Carter nor Eric Bischoff were reportedly at the show. So TNA has its best show in ages with Dixie and Eric reportedly out of the building. I’d say that is a little more than just coincidence.
Full TNA Impact Wrestling Sacrifice 2012 results & winners…
Kazarian and Christopher Daniels defeated Magnus & Samoa Joe to win the tag team championship
Gail Kim defeated Brooke Tessmacher to retain the Knockouts championship
Devon defeated Robbie E & Robbie T to retain the TV title Mr. Anderson defeated Jeff Hardy Crimson defeated Eric Young Bully Ray defeated Austin Aries
Kurt Angle defeated AJ Styles
Bobby Roode defeated Rob Van Dam in a Ladder Match to retain the world heavyweight championship
Welcome to the 5-10-12 edition of Impact Wrestling. I really need to find a new way to start these things, don’t I?
Show starts off with footage from last week, as Bobby Roode laid out Mr. Anderson, RVD and Jeff Hardy with a chair. This segues into the Impact Zone, where Bobby Roode is making his way down to the ring. This coming Sunday, Roode will defend the World Championship against RVD. If TNA is smart, Roode will retain the title and continue being one of the better champions they’ve had in a long time. Of course, this is TNA, so RVD will probably win. Roode asks if there’s anything more he can do to prove to the fans he’s the best champion in the history of the company, as well as the most dominant. Last week, not only did he defeat and embarrass Mr. Anderson, but he also took Mr. Anderson out. Not only that, but he took out Jeff Hardy. And, he took out RVD as well. One man, one athlete, one champion, taking out three men all at the same time. Sometimes, he amazes himself on how great of a champion he is. Speaking of great things, he has great news for everyone. In fourteen days, Bobby Roode goes down in history, as he will become the longest-reigning World Champion in the history of TNA. Longer than AJ, Hardy, Angle, Sting, no one has held the title longer than him (again, I can see RVD winning here, unfortunately). In three days, when RVD gets in the ring with the IT Factor of professional wrestling. If RVD thinks he’ll outwrestle Roode and take the belt, he’s sadly mistaken. There is absolutely no one and nothing that will stop his World title domination.
RVD decides it’s time to earn his paycheck for the week and comes down to chase Roode off. As RVD is standing in the ring with the belt, Mr. Anderson comes down from behind and attacks Roode like a coward. The faces then double-team Roode, and this leads to Jeff Hardy coming down for a triple-team. Hardy and Anderson then start fighting each other as referees and the Elite Beat Agents (Snow, D-Lo and Kenney) come down to break things up. Hulk Hogan’s music hits, and he stops at the stage. He says he likes what he’s seeing. By the looks of things, Hardy and Anderson both want a piece of Roode, as well as each other. RVD, are you sending Hogan a message you want a piece of Roode right now? That’s the way it looks. Hogan’s got a main event tonight that will “flip-flop” this whole company. He needs to talk to RVD about it, because if RVD agrees, Hogan will set up a fatal 4-way tonight where each person has both something to gain and lose. If Hardy or Anderson win, they take RVD’s spot at the PPV. If Roode wins, he can pick whoever he wants to face of the three at Sacrifice. If RVD agrees to the match and wins, he can make the PPV match feature any stipulation he wants. Is RVD willing to make the Sacrifice, brother? RVD nods in agreement, and now the PPV match that TNA has surprisingly been promoting for the last couple of weeks will potentially become typical TNA booking in that it gets changed at the last minute. Brother. Dude. Jack. Pythons.
We see Bully Ray talking to Anonymous Interviewer in the back about Austin Aries. He makes fun of Aries for being 5’8”, and 175 lbs. “on a good day, soaking wet, with a brick in his pocket”, and he’s also been the biggest “thawn in my side in the six yeahs I been heah”. Love how Ray slips in and out of his accent. Austin Aries, last week, you made a lot of disparaging comments towards him. You want to make fun of him, talk down to him, raise your voice to him? He’s sick and tired of Aries bullying him around. He’s not going to let it happen anymore. The whole locker room is talking about Aries. He’s the real problem, and Ray isn’t going to stand for it any longer. He’s going to take care of this little problem. Watch what he’s about to do. He doesn’t push people around; he takes them down and puts them out. Stay tuned.
Later tonight, we will hear from James Storm for the very first time in a couple weeks. Also, the final confrontation between Crimson and Matt Morgan. Up next, it’s Workrate vs. Anonymous Brooke.
In the ladies’ locker room area, we see Gail Kim and Madison Rayne talking. Kim is talking about how Tessy has been lucky lately, but she can’t beat Kim when the title’s on the line. Rayne asks her what she thinks of Rayne’s shirt. “It’s fine. It’s shiny.” Everyone talks about how beautiful Tessy is and how great her body is; she’s Photoshopped. Kim doesn’t need all of that. Rayne asks her about her underwear for the evening. Kim says they’re fine before asking what’s up with Rayne. Rayne says it’s a guy, but she doesn’t want to talk about it. Kim leaves to watch the next match.
MATCH 1: Velvet Sky vs. Brooke Tessmacher
I really hate the way TNA does the WCW thing where they briefly film the wrestler coming out before zooming in the big screen or company logo. Tie-up to start, with Sky backing Brooke into the corner. Sky shakes her butt off the clean break. Brooke then does the same thing, jiggling her butt. Sky goes into a side headlock, and lands a shoulder off the ropes for 1. Arm wringer by Sky into a corner whip. Sky hits a running forearm in the corner and looks for a bulldog, but Brooke shoves her off into the opposite corner. Brooke runs in and lands a monkey flip, sending Sky into the other corner. Brooke goes up for mounted punches, and Sky shoves her off for 2. Sky does her stupid kick/chop combo, but runs into a Dropsh*t, sending her into the corner. Brooke does a hip bump, followed by a stinkface. Sky climbs back up and sidesteps a charge, landing a bulldog for 2. Sky sends Brooke into the corner, then kicks her in the gut a few times. Sky with her stupid knees to the face, followed by a snapmare and seated dropkick for 2. She goes to pick Brooke up, and Brooke snags her in a small package for 2. Sky sets up for In Yo Face, but Brooke backs her into the corner, breaking the hold. Brooke drop-toe holds her into the corner, then botches her finisher, which I am calling the Brooke Shield until she gives it a name. Brooke goes for the pin and gets the 3.
WINNER: Anonymous Brooke. Gail Kim runs into the ring and attacks from behind after the match. Kim nails Eat Defeat on Brooke before talking some trash.
Still to come, we apparently get footage of James Storm feeding horses and playing in dirt.
Up next, a match rivaling Ed “Strangler” Lewis vs. Lou Thesz as Crimson takes on Matt Morgan.
Anonymous Interviewer stops AJ Styles when he enters the building to ask obvious questions about Kazarian and Christopher Daniels. Styles says he has Kurt Angle in three days, and that’s who he’s focused on, and nothing else. As far as this secret goes, no comment.
Jeff Hardy is talking to AI #2. The Selfish Generation is coming to end, and thanks to the main event tonight, he gets a chance to be the one to end it.
MATCH 2: Crimson vs. Matt Morgan
As Morgan makes his way out, he is attacked by Bully Ray from behind. Ray takes his chain out before kicking Morgan in the stomach. Ray then screams at Christy Hemme and SoCal Val before grabbing a chair. Morgan pulls himself up on the ring post, and Ray smacks the ring post, completely missing Morgan in every way possible. Morgan still sells it like he got hurt, though. He then turns to the camera and tells Austin Aries that will be him. Morgan has smeared some corn syrup on his head to make it look like he’s busted open. Either that, or he did a very, very obvious blade job, because Ray wasn’t even close to making contact. The Elite Beat Agents make their way out to try and stop this, but Ray yells at them.
WINNER: No contest. Morgan is pretending to twitch as the medics check on him. They’re missing their white masks and matching tights, though, which makes it totally obvious they’re fakes.
Back from the break, we see that Morgan was loaded on a stretcher when the cameras were off. Ray still hung around on the map, watching as Morgan was being wheeled away, still pretending to shake.
Crimson is still in the ring, saying what just happened was unfortunate. What else is unfortunate is that week after week, Morgan would continue to yell that he was going to be the man to end Crimson’s undefeated streak. Delusion is a scary thing, and he knows it (he should, since he thinks he’s a star). He’s feeling very gracious and benevolent tonight. How about the referee give Morgan another chance to come down here and fight tonight. Give him a count of ten, and let him try to answer the count. The referee rings the bell, so I guess this is officially a match now.
MATCH 2, Part 2: Crimson vs. Matt Morgan
The referee counts down to 10, so Crimson wins by count-out.
WINNER: Crimson. By far, his best performance ever. Crimson says what happened was sad, but also predictable. He calls Morgan an underachiever and that his career is a disappointment. Can’t say I disagree with that part.
We get a video package for RVD, talking about how rough he had things and blah, blah, blah. I really don’t care.
Up next, Austin Aries actually gets to defend the World X-Division title. Huzzah! Another Festivus miracle!
Make sure you vote for James Storm’s “music video” on some country music site! Or don’t, as it doesn’t matter.
MATCH 3-World X-Division Championship: Zema Ion vs. Champion Austin Aries
I was wondering if Ion still worked here. Let’s see if he can end another career with a botched moonsault tonight. Tie-up to start, with Aries backing Ion into the corner. Ion uses some hairspray on his head. Criss-cross sequence ends with Aries breaking a headscissors and landing a dropkick, sending Ion to the floor. Aries goes up top for a dive, but Ion moves out of the way, sending Aries into the guardrail. Ion botches a running somersault plancha to the floor. Back in the ring, Ion lands some kind of stupid kick for 2, followed by some stomps for another 2. Aries fights back from his knees. Ion responds with a thumb to the eyes and lands his back suplex into a facebreaker for 2. Bodyslam by Ion, and he goes for a running middle rope moonsault, which Aries blocks with his knees. Aries with some forearm shots and elbows to the top of the head. Aries sends Ion into the turnbuckles chest-first and lands a rolling elbow. Aries clotheslines Ion offer the top to the floor, then follows up with a suicide dive. Ion gets back in the ring, where he receives a hotshot and a very theatrical splash by Aries for 2. Aries goes up to the top, where Ion blocks him. Ion goes up for the hurricanrana, but Aries holds on, sending Ion back to the mat. Aries lands a missile dropkick, sending Ion to the opposite corner. Aries lands a running dropkick in the corner and follows up with a vicious brainbuster for the 3.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Austin Aries. Aries has easily one of the top three best brainbusters I’ve ever seen.
We see Kazarian and Christopher Daniels in the back. Daniels says Styles isn’t their friend. As far as their jobs go, they are on solid ground, so it’s time to go out there and show the world what they’ve got.
Back from the break, we see the footage of what opened the show, which, for those of you keeping score, happened less than an hour. Guess TNA thinks their fans all have ADD.
We get another interview with RVD. Typical “I know I can beat these guys…I do things my way” crap that he’s been doing for years. He then makes a veiled remark about winning Money in the Bank a few years ago.
Video package for the Kazarian/Daniels/Styles feud. I love Daniels and Styles, but this feud is so stupid and obnoxious. It doesn’t help that Kaz is factored in, who is worthless. Back in the ring, Daniels and Kaz are there, and Daniels has a microphone. He calls the crowd “sad clowns”. Last week, he gave Styles an ultimatum, to come out here and reveal his secret, or Daniels would do it for him. He hasn’t heard from Styles in the last seven days, but he’s going to give Styles one more chance. AJ, come out here and set the record straight. Styles doesn’t show up after a few seconds, so Daniels says he hates to do this, but as the new face of the company, he thinks the fans deserve to know the truth about their boy. Styles’ music finally hits and he makes his way to the ring. Styles stops at ringside. He tells the heels he doesn’t know what they think they have over him, but it needs to stop now. Why? Because these two are about to make the biggest mistake of their lives. Kaz says Styles made the mistake. He was trying to protect Styles, but then he looked at all of Styles’ accomplishments compared to theirs, and then began to ask himself why he’s protecting Styles. Styles made a mistake, and this is the proof. Kaz opens an envelope and shows a picture to Styles. It’s a photo of Styles and Dixie Carter standing together, talking. Styles doesn’t get what the big deal is. Daniels says he has more pictures. The next picture is Daniels holding Carter’s face in his hands. Daniels says this looks more touchy-feely. What could they be talking about that Styles would put his hands on the president of the company? Styles is speechless. Daniels then reveals another picture, and it’s Styles kissing her on the neck, hugging her close to him. Daniels says that, since day one, Styles has been the poster boy of this company. When he looks at these photos, well, as the old saying goes, a picture is worth a thousand words. Daniels leaves the ring, followed by Kaz, who drops the photos at Styles’ feet.
After the commercial, you get to see what you just saw one more time.
MATCH 4-World Television Championship: Robbie E (w/Robbie T) vs. Champion Devon
Why do I feel like this match has happened repeatedly over the last few weeks or so? What’s that? Oh. My sources are telling me it feels that way because it’s true. Devon charges the ring and begins attacking both guys. T gets clotheslined out of the ring as the match officially starts. Devon pounds E in the corner. Thesz Press off the ropes, followed by some punches and a jumping headbutt. T trips Devon off the ropes and drags him to the floor. Devon slams his head into the steps. E tries to attack from behind, but Devon sees him coming and clotheslines him (Tenay: “Knockout punch!”). Back in the ring, Devon hits the standing spinebuster and gets the 3.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Devon. After the match, Robbie T runs in and slams Devon into the turnbuckle. He then follows up with an over-the-shoulder powerslam that has Davey Boy Smith spinning over in his grave. Robbie E then holds up the belt over his head.
Footage from last month when we saw James Storm the last time. This leads into a video package for James Storm, saying he needs to take time for himself right now. He’s on his ranch, showing us how he does his chores. It’s pretty much what you’d expect, as Storm is playing up the angle, droning on about self-doubt and that kind of thing.
Mike Tenay hypes tonight’s 4-way match, completely ignoring that Mr. Anderson and Jeff Hardy are in it, only talking about what will happen if RVD or Roode wins, which pretty much gives away that either Roode or RVD are winning this one. Genius work there, “Professor”.
Joseph Abyss is in the back, asking a stagehand which direction the ring is, as apparently he’s headed that way.
Devon is in the back, yelling at Anonymous Interviewer. It’s never been a fair fight since he won the title, as those two jacka**es (E.T.) are always in his face. If they want a fight, they got one. At Sacrifice, he wants both of them, and the outcome will still be the same. He’ll spinebuster both their a**es. Oh, his brother! Testify.
Video package for this whole stupid Abyss angle. The whole thing with Styles is stupid, but this thing with Abyss is approximately 812 times worse. Joseph Abyss makes his way out, pretending to be really excited by all of this. Love how they’ve added he’s a “renowned lawyer” in Chicago. Abyss is trying to talk to the crowd, but forgets to grab a microphone. The morons in the crowd chant “Where’s Abyss?” Abyss finally gets his microphone. Over the last few months, he’s watched a ton of his own matches in this building, and he tore this place down to the ground. Fun, wasn’t it? Abyss would like to thank Hogan for allowing him to come out here. We’ll have to bear with him, as he’s not used to speaking to large crowds. Everyone knows why he’s here-he’s looking for himself. You know, Abyss? Over his investigation, every clue he received, every lead he followed, every interview he did, there was one common thread: Bully Ray. He told Ray last week he wasn’t going away until he gets answer about where is himself. On his way in tonight, he saw a sign for Sacrifice this Sunday. He might just buy a ticket to that thing and sit with the fans to watch it.
Bully Ray’s music hits, and he comes out, already screaming into a microphone. Ray says he’s tired of hearing this crap. This is a load of crap. There’s something not right with Abyss and himself. Something’s not right. Does this look like a courtroom to you? Does this look like a cauwtroom to you? No, it’s not a courtroom, stupid! It’s a wrestling ring, and you have no business being in a wrestling ring or wrestling arena? Did Abyss see what he did to Matt Morgan? How would he feel if Ray did that to him? Aybss says Ray is right; he’s everything he says he is. It got Abyss thinking, though, back to the night when he disappeared. That night, Abyss had a match with Ray, and beat him. Table that for a second. Two weeks ago, Ray’s former partner of 20 years who Ray claims to have carried (Devon, for those of you keeping score), called Ray down to the ring, and then beat him. Abyss says to table that as well. God, Abyss is a horrible actor. Let’s go back to last week when Ray was invited down to the ring by Austin Aries, a man with incredible talent but half Ray’s size. Aries beat Ray down then. How is that bullying thing working out for Ray? In response to this, Ray knocks Abyss down to the mat before saying, “That’s how it’s working out for me.” Abyss then begins to laugh as Ray leaves the ring.
Mr. Anderson is in the back, talking obnoxiously about his match tonight. He’s scheduled to face Jeff Hardy at Sacrifice, but if he wins tonight, Hardy steps aside, and “I’m taking my title back, BUDDY! *whispers* My title. My title.”
King Mo has signed with TNA. So, he finally usurped Mabel and is now getting his time in the spotlight.
We get Slammiversary moment #9, which is footage of Hogan’s debut with the company. Only problem? This didn’t happen at Slammiversary, and in fact happened on an episode of Impact.
Kurt Angle is talking to Anonymous Interviewer about AJ Styles. Angle calls Styles a good guy, and he needs to focus on the task at hand, which is getting crippled by Angle at Sacrifice. When his bones are mending, he can focus on these allegations.
Mike Tenay and Taz runs down the card for Sacrifice, which has apparently added Samoa Joe and Magnus defending the tag belts against Kazarian and Christopher Daniels, as well as Bully Ray vs. Austin Aries. You know, I expected these matches to happen, but TNA could have possibly announced them a little earlier in order to get people to start talking about them and get interested in them.
Another RVD video. I’m beginning to hate him.
MATCH 4-Fatal 4-Way Match to Potentially and Needlessly Change the Sacrifice Card: Rob Van Dam vs. Mr. Anderson vs. Jeff Hardy vs. World Champion Bobby Roode (non-title)
Thankfully, Anderbotch skips his stupid self-introduction. Match starts with the three faces taking turns attacking Roode in the corner. Anderson shoves the other two off and begins choking Roode with his foot. RVD shoves him off and lays in some punches on Roode. Hardy and Anderson are trading blows now. Roode fights back on Hardy and Anderson. He sends both Anderson and RVD to the floor before throwing Hardy into the corner. Roode with some punches and a corner whip. Hardy gets his elbow up and goes for Whisper in the Wind, but Roode sidesteps it, sending Hardy’s stupid ass crashing to the mat. Roode goes for the pin, but only gets 2. Commercials.
Back from the break, Roode drops Hardy with a suplex. Hardy moves out of the way from a jumping knee drop, hits an inverted atomic drop, a double legdrop and seated dropkick for 2. RVD tries to get back in the ring, but Hardy kicks him down. Hardy goes for a dive off the apron, but RVD moves, sending Hardy into the guardrail. Back in the ring, Anderson tries for a pin on Roode, but only gets 2. Roode whips Anderson in the corner, but Anderson fires back with a clothesline. Roode tries for the Payoff off the ropes, but Anderson reverses into a swinging neckbreaker for 2. RVD breaks the pin up, and Anderson hits him with a knee lift. RVD gets a high kick out of the corner and lands the split-legged moonsault for 2. Anderson reverses a corner whip. RVD elbows off the charge and hits a thrust kick off the middle rope. He goes for the Rolling Thunder, but he’s intercepted by Roode, who lands a spinebuster for 2. Roode stomps away on RVD. RVD comes back with a botched superkick, sending Roode to the corner. RVD lands a roundhouse in the corner before trying a monkey flip on Hardy, who blocks it and botches Whisper in the Wind for 2. RVD hits the step-over roundhouse and Rolling Thunder. Roode quickly comes in and throws RVD out. Roode goes for the Payoff on Hardy, who counters it into a sit-out Twist of Fate. Anderson comes in and drops Roode with the Mic Check before tackling Hardy through the ropes to the floor. RVD climbs up top, hits the Five-Star Frog Splash and gets the 3. WINNER: Rob Van Dam. Gee, who didn’t see that coming, especially since he already announced the stipulation he wants for the match on Sunday (a ladder match, BTW) earlier in the show. RVD goes under the ring and pulls out the ladder that just happens to be there. He then climbs up and taunts Roode from the top. Meanwhile, Anderson and Hardy are yelling at each other. We see fireworks go off, and Abyss makes his way out. Only this time, he’s actually dressed like Abyss and not Joe. Abyss sends a message to himself, Joseph. Joseph is getting to close to the fire. Back off before you get burned. Abyss’ music is more generic than ever.
End of show.
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Welcome to the 5-3-12 edition of Impact Wrestling! The opening video is of the farce of a “celebration” for Eric Bischoff last week that was nothing more than yet another sad attempt to get Garett Bischoff over with the fans. Guess what? Not happening. Oh, and is it just me, or did SoCal Val look like she’s packed on quite a bit of weight?
We immediately cut to the Impact Zone, where Ric Flair is in the ring. He says that Hogan always plays with him, and that Hogan thinks Flair is his pawn. He thinks Flair will always be under his thumb. Flair’s not buying it, and he doesn’t have to. Why? Because he’s “Ric G-O-D Flair”. In our world, he’s just plain “God”. Last week, Hogan and Garett ran one of the biggest names in history out of the business. Of course, he’s talking about Eric Bischoff. Flair wants to talk to Hogan tonight in the ring tonight because he’s pissed off. He mentions how expensive all of his clothes are, saying his Sears clearance special shirt cost him $2000.
Hogan’s fake now music hits, and he’s making his way out, microphone in hand. Go figure. Remember when this would be a great way to open a wrestling show 17 years ago? Flair calls this “good vs. evil”, with Hogan being good, beyond a shadow of a doubt. But, Flair is “the baddest man in the planet”. He’s tired of Hogan running roughshod over him. What does he have to do? Take Dixie Carter back to Hard Rock? Huh? Anyway, Hogan says he’s not here to fight him. Flair knows that; Hogan’s here to boss him around. Hogan says that, as GM, he’s making it a priority to “step the game up” in Impact Wrestling. When Flair talks about evil, he should have said Eric Bischoff. Eric spread a lot of evil, even to his own son, brother. Hogan’s taking his new GM position very seriously, even hanging his boots up in the process. There’s a chance to make Impact Wrestling one of the longest-running promotions out there. In passing, Flair does work for Hogan, and since Hogan is his boss, he’s going to ask Flair for something; he wants Flair to be a judge for “Gut Check”. With Ric Flair in the lead position with the judges, “we all have a chance to live forever”. We have a chance to live through the new talent, telling them when to stay down or get back up. Hogan is asking Flair to do something for the fans with this. He wants Flair to help shape the future of the business with this job. He doesn’t have to respect Hogan here; he just needs to be “The Nature Boy”. Flair says it doesn’t matter what his response is, because Hogan will tell him he has to do it anyway. Flair says he loves the kids, and as a result, will agree to the position.
Later tonight, RVD and Bobby Roode will choose opponents for each other tonight. Up next, Velvet Sky and Brooke Tessmacher take on Gail Kim and Madison Rayne.
We see Velvet Sky and Brooke Tessmacher in the back with Anonymous Interviewer. She calls Gail Kim a cheater, cheating to beat Sky at every time. But, at the right circumstances at the right time, Sky will beat her. Tessy then says she’s beaten Kim twice, and she’ll do it a third time tonight. Sky says one of them will beat Kim for the title.
MATCH 1: Knockouts Champion Gail Kim and Madison Rayne vs. Brooke Tessmacher and Velvet Sky
I love how TNA turns the blue lights up on the stage so much that you can barely see who’s coming out. Tessy and Workrate might be nice to look at, but it’s a serious test of patience listening to them talk. Is it a requirement for all Knockouts to be obnoxious on a microphone? For whatever reason, Earl Hebner starts patting the faces down, which allows the heels to attack from behind. Kim and Sky are now in the ring, and Kim dominates with punches and kicks. Sky hits a clothesline, followed by a pair of dumbass facebreakers and a bulldog. Swinging headscissors by Sky, but Kim attacks from behind off a distraction by Rayne. Rayne tags in and goes to work on Sky in the corner. Kim tags back in. Double corner whip, followed by a pair of partner whips. Kim pulls Sky down by the hair as she’s on the apron. She gets back in and knocks Tessy off the apron. Rayne tags in, and Kim hits a leg stunner, followed by a botched jumping side kick by Rayne for 2. Rayne locks in the Taco Twister before knocking Tessy off the aprong yet again. Sky fights back with kicks and chops, but Rayne rakes the eyes. Kim tags back in and kicks Sky in the ribs, followed by a running clothesline for 2. Kim sets Sky up on the top turnbuckle and looks for a super hurricanrana, but Sky holds the ropes and follows up with a “bulldog-style faceplant”, according to Tenay’s stupid ass. Tessy tags in and hits a couple of clotheslines, a Dropsh*t and a hurricanrana. She looks for her finisher, but Kim blocks it and lands a clothesline. Kim sets up for Eat Defeat, but Tessy blocks it and shoves Kim into the corner. Rayne comes in, but she’s speared by Sky, sending them both to the floor. Kim blocks a kick from Tessy and taunts her. Tessy goes for a punch, and Kim blocks that as well. Tessy turns the blocks into her own version of Eat Defeat, scoring the 3.
WINNERS: Velvet Sky and Brooke Tessmacher. During this match, Mike Tenay could not stop talking about Alex Silva’s “amazing” performance last week, and how there’s so much buzz about him. Obviously, he and I were watching two entirely different matches.
In preparation for Slammiversary 10, we see moments from TNA’s first anniversary show, which saw Jeff Jarrett retain the NWA World title against Raven.
Back in the Impact Zone, RVD is in the ring. He’s talking about how people have been entertained by him for years. He doesn’t have to tell us how great he is, but he’ll do it anyway because he can. He’s Rob Van Dam, the Whole F’n Show. He’s one of a kind, often imitated, never intimidated (his words). Mr. Pay-Per-View. He’s also the man who’s going to beat Bobby Roode and become the next champion. He doesn’t have to tell us he never lost the title in the first place. He knows what he brings to the table-he’s R-V-D. Boy, that was about as cliché of a Van Dam interview as it gets.
Bobby Roode makes his way onto the stage. He was sitting in the back trying to mind his own business, but he couldn’t help but hear how overconfident RVD has been. He knows RVD’s head is in the clouds 99.9% of the time, and he was on hiatus for a while, so let him remind RVD who he is-he is Bobby Roode, the World Champion, the IT Factor and the leader of the Selfish Generation. He’s not just any champion; he’s the most dominant World Champion in the history of the company. He’s done that by beating guys like AJ Styles, Jeff Hardy, Sting and James Storm, just to name a few. At Sacrifice, RVD’s name will be added to that list. As for tonight, the GM has made a plan for tonight. Hogan is allowing RVD to choose Roode’s opponent, and vice-versa. He’s going to give RVD the chance to announce his choice first. RVD says he’s got a guy Roode knows very well, and a guy Roode hit over the head with a beer bottle last month-Mr. Anderson. Roode says that great, and he’s got someone in mind for RVD, a close friend. As you would expect, Roode announces Jeff Hardy as RVD’s opponent. Aside from a pointless “You are garbage” chant at Roode during this segment, the crowd was completely dead for the whole thing.
MATCH 2-World Television Championship: Robbie T (w/Robbie E) vs. Devon
Well, this match has “workrate” written all over it. T starts attacking Devon in the corner, hitting him with a knee to the gut before throwing him to the opposite corner. T hits a short-arm clothesline. Devon fights back with punches, but T cuts him off with a back elbow. I’ve just realized something-both Robbie T and Mason Ryan are Welshmen, both are huge, and both suck something fierce. Is the best Wales can offer pro wrestling? T hits an over-the-shoulder powerslam, but only gets 2. T charges to the corner, but Devon hits a back elbow and a pair of shoulderblocks. He hits a flying shoulderblock, sending T into the corner. Avalanche in the corner, which leads to another flying shoulderblock. Devon climbs to the top rope, hitting the headbutt. His family is dead now. The headbutt only gets 2. Robbie E jumps on the apron, but Devon just hip tosses him in. Devon manages to hit a spear off the ropes, but turns around into a shot to the head with a clipboard by Robbie E.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION, AND STILL CHAMPION: Devon. Robbie E then stands over Devon after the match, holding the belt up.
We see Al Snow and Ric Flair talking in the back. They’re talking about being “Gut Check” judges, before Al Snow introduces the third judge, Bruce Pritchard.
After the break, we see “highlights” from the “Gut Check” last week, which saw Alex Silva get his ass handed to him by Robbie E. We then cut away to the judges discussing the match. Flair says, “You can’t make chicken salad out of chicken sh*t”, then calls the kid a twig and says he’ll never be World Champion. Agreed on all fronts. Snow says we’re looking at future potential, not right now. Flair says Silva doesn’t have the potential. Pritchard says he’s seen Silva many other times, and this wasn’t his best outing. Flair says he’s not big enough, and he’ll never get ratings. Pritchard mentions the X-Division, and Flair doesn’t even see X-Division in him. Pritchard points out that not everyone believed in Flair in his earliest days. Snow makes up some crap about how he tested positive with fans, saying 63% of Twitter responses were positive. Flair says the fans don’t run the business. Funny, but I’m pretty sure the business wouldn’t exist without the fans. Just a thought. Pritchard does point this out. Flair says he respects the fans, but doesn’t respect their opinions. I’m not even going to begin to dissect that one. They continue to rattle on about Silva, saying they need 2 votes to get him on the roster, and Snow tells Flair not to make his final vote just yet.
Back from the break, we see Hulk Hogan and Mr. Anderson talking in the back. Hogan is informing Anderson his opponent for tonight is Roode. Anderson is stupidly chewing on a spoon. Hogan says Anderson is the number one guy, and deserves the number one spot. He then makes his match with Roode tonight No Disqualification. They then share Anderson’s catchphrase as I choke on my own bile.
MATCH 3: Jeff Hardy vs. Rob Van Dam
Match starts with a side headlock by Hardy. RVD reverses into a top wristlock, turning it into a leg scissors for a 1-count. Hardy counters out with an arm drag. RVD goes into a waistlock, which Hardy reverses. RVD reverses, but Hardy counters with a back elbow and a reverse enziguri, sending RVD to the floor. Hardy knocks him down with a dropkick through the ropes before landing a clothesline off the apron. Hardy throws RVD back in for a pin, but only gets 2. RVD throws som punches. Hardy counters a monkey flip with a double legdrop pin for 2. RVD reverses a corner whip and lands a monkey flip out of the corner. RVD nails a roundhouse in the corner. Hardy comes back with Whisper in the Wind for 2. RVD hits a jawbreaker and a roundhouse thrust kick. RVD goes for Rolling Thunder, but Hardy gets his knees up. Bobby Roode makes his way down, belt in hand. Roode has a brand new Affliction knock-off t-shirt. It’s TNA. What do you expect: Roode cracks Hardy across the back with the belt as the referee tries to dive out of the way of an Irish whip. Roode wanted to hit RVD, but RVD countered, causing Roode to nail Hardy. RVD lands a superkick and gets the 3.
WINNER: Rob Van Dam.
We see Bully Ray walking in the back. He’s stopped by Joseph Abyss, who had just been on the phone. Abyss says Ray didn’t get answers last week. Ray says he still won’t get any this week. Abyss knows Ray had something to do with the disappearance of himself, and he’s going to prove it. Ray shoves him, telling him to back off. Ray says Abyss knows exactly what he does to guys like Abyss. He tells Abyss to just ask himself about that. Oh, wait; Abyss can’t do that, because Abyss is missing. Ray then tells him to stay out of his way.
As if once wasn’t enough, we then see the Garett/Eric angle from last week once again.
Jeremy Borash is talking to Anonymous Interviewer, saying a bunch of stupid stuff about Eric Bischoff. I hate listening to this bloated waste of space. Ray cuts him off. He wants to hear everything Borash has to say. He wants to hear about how Borash took care of Eric last week. Ray then grabs him by the collar and drags him to out to the ring, saying they’re going to discuss it in front of everyone. Ray just loudmouths a bunch of crap before telling Borash to get on his knees. He then grabs a microphone (as if he needs one) before shoving Borash into the ring. Ray asks if Borash forgot what he did last week. You bowing up to me? You bowing up to me? Ray is sick of hearing about “anti-bullying”. They should start a new campaign: The “Stop being a little b*tch and stick up for yourself” campaign. Borash is the poster boy for all the little b*tches guys like Ray take advantage of. He asks Borash if he’d like to punch Ray in the face. The crowd stupidly cheers for this. Ray walks all over guys like Borash because he can.
Austin Aries’ music hits, and he makes his way out. He makes fun of Ray’s “Do you know who I am?” line. We know who Ray is-the guy who picks on lawyers. Ray tells him not to step in the ring. Aries steps into the ring. He only cares about him and Ray. Ray called him out, and when he did that, he did so in regards to the only thing he could-Aries’ size. Aries believes Ray has taken bigger craps than him, and eaten bigger chicken wings than him, because, in case Ray forgot, he spent most of his career as “Blubber Ray”, a big, fat, pasty poster boy for all-you-can eat buffets and type 2 diabetes. Thank you, Austin Aries. Yet another reason why you’re great. Ray slaps the mic out of his hand and says that playtime is over. He shoves Aries and continues to mouth off, saying Aries will now have to stand up for himself. But he won’t, because at the end of the day, he’s the champion, and he represents small, insignificant men. Ray isn’t all talk; Aries is. Ray then spits in his face. As Ray continues to run his fat mouth, Aries finally snaps. He decks him a bunch of times, beating Ray down in the corner. He begins kneeing Ray in the head as “security” comes in to break things up. They pull Aries back, and Ray kicks him in the nuts. On the plus side, Aries split Ray’s lip open in the process. Ray leaves the ring and moos like a cow. No, really. He did.
We see Christopher Daniels and Kazarian in the back. Kaz is talking about how they didn’t get their title match last week. Kurt Angle is also back here. Daniels talks about winning the tag titles and humiliating AJ Styles. Angle tells them to shut up, and the only thing he cares about is making Styles tap out tonight and at Sacrifice. Kaz makes some stupid joke about ostrich jerky.
James Storm is debuting his “music video” on CMT.com. Who in the hell cares? Storm will be back next week to talk some more, which is about all he’s been doing lately.
We see Bobby Roode in the back, in some weirdly-lit area. He’s complaining about Hulk Hogan’s added stipulation for tonight. He should call Sting and find out where he’s at, because he was the last authority figure in the company, and Roode took care of him. And if RVD thinks he’s taking the belt, he’s got another thing coming.
MATCH 4-Six-Man Tag Team Match: Kurt Angle, Christopher Daniels and Kazarian vs. World Tag Team Champions Magnus & Samoa Joe, and AJ Styles
Have you ever noticed that Angle has feuds in both major companies over a necklace? Random thought for you. The faces charge the ring, with the champs cleaning house on Daniels and Kaz. Styles and Angle start off with some chain wrestling, followed by trading blows. Angle hits a European uppercut, but runs into a dropkick by Styles off the ropes. Angle reverses a suplex attempt with a punch. Daniels comes in and knocks Styles down. Angle gets mad and tells him to get back out of the ring. Meanwhile, Joe has tagged in, and he nails Angle with a bunch of rights. Magnus tags in, and they hit their inverted atomic drop/big boot/running senton combo for 2. Magnus gets Angle in the corner and lands an uppercut. Daniels nails Magnus with a hotshot, allowing Angle to clothesline Magnus down. Daniels and Kaz are asking for a tag, but Angle is refusing. He lands a European uppercut on Magnus before going into a rear chinlock. Magnus fights out with elbows, but telegraphs a back body drop. Magnus still manages to connect with a misdirection clothesline before tagging in Styles. Kaz tags in (at least, according to Taz. I never saw a tag), who eats a roundhouse and a fireman’s carry into a neckbreaker. He looks for the Styles Clash on Angle, but Daniels nails Styles with a Ghetto Blaster. Joe comes in and chops Daniels across the chest. Magnus blocks a corner whip, allowing Joe to back drop Daniels to the floor. He nails Daniels with a suicide dive into a forearm shot. The champs set Daniels up for Styles, but Angle trips Styles up and goes into the ankle lock. Apparently, I was right, and Angle is still legal. Kaz tags himself in as Daniels and Angle begin to argue. Joe charges at Daniels from behind, sending both him and Angle to the floor. Kaz sets up the Fade to Black on Styles, but Magnus boots him right in the chest. Styles rolls through into a Styles Clash, and connects for the 3.
WINNERS: Magnus, Samoa Joe and AJ Styles. After the match, Angle begins berating Kaz and Daniels. Angle shoves Daniels before getting in his face. Eventually, he backs off. Daniels grabs a microphone and says he’s going to end this once and for all with AJ Styles next week. Styles has seen the photographs, so either he comes out and tells the world his secret, or Daniels and Kaz will. How much do you want to bet this involves either Daniels or Kaz being the real father of one or all of Styles’ kids?
Up next, we learn what Alex Silva’s future will be. Considering how embarrassing his match was last week, I expect him to get a massive push, winning the tag titles with Garett Bischoff. That sounds like TNA logic to me.
The three “Gut Check” judges are in the ring, and most of the lights have been shut off, I guess to add some unnecessary drama. Al Snow rattles off some cliché stuff before introducing his fellow judges, saying, “joining me alongside Ric Flair and myself” as he introduces Pritchard. He then calls Alex Silva out to the ring. Crowd doesn’t seem all that interested. We then get some overly-dramatic music for no reason. Flair gives his thought, and that’s he likes Silva’s attitude, but he needs to grow some more. Pritchard says last week, Silva came down like he already had a job. Last week probably wasn’t his best outing, but TNA needs talent. True, so why are they looking at this clownshoe? Snow reminds Silva that he needs the vote of 2 of the 3 judges to get a job. Flair gives his vote as Silva “Woos” at him. Flair simply says no. Silva gives him an angrypants look. Boo-hoo. Snow says yes before once again reminding him that he needs two votes, then gives him the microphone and tells him he has 30 seconds to sell himself. Silva addresses each judge by name, then looks up at the ceiling and talks to his apparently dead dad. He rambles on about how he was poor at 13, and became more and more poor…the timer runs out. Flair tells him not to talk to the marks, talk to them. Start over. 30SECONDS!30SECONDS!ISTANDUPFORMYSELFEACHANDEVERYNIGHT! I MOVEDTOTHEUNITEDSTATESFROMCANADAPOORIWANTTOLIVEMYDREAMDADILOVEYOU! Or something like that. Flair then changes his answer to “yes”, and I lose just a bit more respect for “The Man”. Pritchard says his original answer was no based on his performance last week. Last week, his nerves got the best of him. This week, he got a second shot, and his answer is now yes. So. There you go. Silva joins the roster, and will join some illustrious names like Mark Starr, Bunkhouse Buck, Buddy Lee Parker and Tim Horner in regards to his place in wrestling.
God, that went on too long. Still, most anything is better than listening to or watching Mr. Anderson, who refers to himself as the “archetypal asshole” (which remains uncensored, though ass and bitch are still bleeped), despite the fact I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even know the definition of “archetypal”.
MATCH 5-No Disqualification Match: Mr. Anderson vs. World Champion Bobby Roode (non-title)
Anderson meets Roode at ringside, where he begins brawling with Roode, slamming his head into the barricades. Anderson with some punches. Roode blocks a slam into the steps before landing a side-Russian leg sweep into the ring apron. Roode sets up for a piledriver, but Anderson blocks it and turns it into a slingshot into the ringpost. Anderson hits the rolling fireman’s carry slam on the floor as we go to commercials.
Just saw the preview for “That’s My Boy”. Can someone please, please, PLEASE explain to me how Adam Sandler keeps getting work? Oh, wait. He had to open his own production company for himself and his friends because no one else will hire any of them anymore. Never mind.
You know, I just noticed that the ringposts in this promotion are square shaped, which means they have sharp edges. That’s a pretty stupid design when you consider how much more dangerous that could be than the standard round posts. Then again, this is TNA. Anyway, we’re back from the break, and Roode is begging off in the corner from Anderson, who has apparently went back on offense during the break. Roode lands a low blow before stomping Anderson in the nuts. Anderson rolls to the floor, where Roode follows him in order to throw him back in the ring, where he gets a 2-count. Roode stomps Anderson down before taunting the crowd. Roode with a suplex and a jumping knee drop for 2. Anderson fights back from his knees with punches and chops, but runs right into a back elbow off the ropes. Roode goes to the floor and grabs a chair and wedges it in between the top and middle turnbuckles. Roode goes to throw Anderson in, but Anderson reverses, sending Roode in head-first.
Hey, remember when Hogan totally buried Roode in several interviews? Now, he’s doing nothing but sucking up to the guy, saying how badly TNA needs him as champion. Just some information for you. Back to the match, Anderson and Roode are trading blows. Anderson eventually dominates, hits a clothesline, a back elbow and a swinging neckbreaker. Roode ducks a kick, but Anderson keeps spinning and hits a version of the Ghetto Blaster. Anderson looks for the Mic Check, but Roode elbows out. He gets his feet up on a corner charge, in the corner with the chair. Roode knocks the chair down and goes to the top rope. Anderson crotches him and looks for the rolling fireman’s carry again, but Roode shoves him into the ropes, catching him with the spinebuster. Roode sets up for the Payoff on the chair, but Jeff Hardy runs down and lands a reverse enziguri on Roode. He turns around to Anderson, who nails Hardy with the Mic Check. Roode grabs the chair, hits Anderson in the stomach with it before landing a shot to the back, then hits Anderson with the Payoff for the 3.
WINNER: Bobby Roode. After the match, Roode continues the attack with the chair, taking turns on both guys. RVD runs down to chase Roode out of the ring before checking on the other two. As he’s doing so, Roode comes back into the ring and cracks RVD across the back before landing a DDT on the chair.
End of show.
The main event wasn’t much of a No DQ match, outside of a couple chair shots and low blows. Well, at least the 6-man was relatively enjoyable.
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Welcome to the 4-26-12 edition of Impact Wrestling. Tonight is the debut of “Open Fight Night”, and if you read my column earlier this week, you know it should just be phenomenal, a smashing success that will last for years to come.
We see some footage at the beginning from OVW, TNA’s “developmental system” that they’ve used to develop approximately zero new stars thus far. Hulk Hogan is in the back, talking to all of the current champions, reminding them again of what exactly this stupid night is about. He refers to Samoa Joe and Magnus as the greatest tag team of all time. Once again, the Knockouts Tag Team Champions are absent, as is Television Champion Devon. He singles out each competitor, complimenting them for various reasons. He tells Joe and Magnus they need to “shut up or put up”. The problem is there are too many teams wanting to challenge the tag champs. He’s going to be listening to a lot of whining and crying about who deserves a spot. That’s why the tag champs need to step it up and prove themselves. Hogan is completely incoherent tonight.
We get a zazzy new video and theme song for “Open Fight Night” to attempt to make it seem much more important than it actually is. Devon is out for the opening match, with Mike Tenay reminding us the TV title will now be defended each week from now on (until someone in the company forgets and they scrap it with no explanation). Devon reminds us of what Hogan said about the company champions last week, then tells us again that his belt must be defended every week. We see some of the locker room looking on in the back as Devon tells us who he is calling out for his title defense tonight. He calls out the guy everybody hates and needs an ass-kicking worse than anyone, Bully Ray.
Bully Ray makes his way out, asking Devon if he’s serious. He calls Devon stupid. What makes Devon think Ray wants to be in a ring with him? They had to be in a ring together for 15 years, and it made Ray sick. For 15 years, Ray carried Devon. He wouldn’t even have the opportunity to be TV Champion if it wasn’t for Ray. Ray won’t get in the ring to make Devon look good, because if they’re in the ring together, that makes Devon a star, and Ray isn’t going to help Devon become a star. Ray says the match won’t happen tonight, and go to hell. As he’s heading back up the ramp, Devon charges after him, taking him down from behind. Devon continues punching Ray until they’re back around the ring, where the bell rings to start the match.
MATCH 1-World Television Championship: Champion Devon vs. Bully Ray
Devon continues decking Ray before hitting him with a bottle of water. That only works for R-Truth. They finally get into the ring, where Ray begs off. Love how neither of these guys will agree to wear normal ring gear. Ray offers a handshake, which Devon accepts and turns into a short-arm clothesline. Devon hits a horrible Thesz Press, then knocks Ray down again with an uppercut. Devon goes up top, but Ray crotches him as we go to commercials.
I’m beginning to think the people behind 5-Hour Energy have never seen how actual people operate in their real day-to-day lives.
Back from the break, Ray drops an elbow. He has a little cut above his left eye. Ray spits a loogie in the air, then catches it in his mouth. Now that’s classy. Ray with a bodyslam and a running splash for 2 before locking in a Trapezius claw. Devon catches Ray with a spear off the ropes. There are bunch of really cool guys in the front row with their faces painted. Ray and Devon trade a bunch of punches before Devon hits a spinning back elbow off the ropes, followed by the Miz’s Reality Check, only in slow-motion. Ray gets his foot up on a corner charge, then nails a clothesline for 2. Ray sets up for the Bully Bomb. Devon counters out, but Ray counters again into the Bubba Cutter for 2. Ray charges out of the corner, but runs right into Devon’s standing spinebuster, which is enough for the 3.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Devon.
Austin Aries is in the back, talking to Anonymous Interviewer about how Bully Ray can’t win a match when he doesn’t cheat. He wants to get his hands on Ray.
Ric Flair is elsewhere in the back, talking to Anonymous Interviewer #2 about his party for Eric Bischoff (which is sans-bleep tonight. See what I mean about TNA forgetting things quickly?). Flair says we are going to “rock and Randall”. I don’t know, either. He just continues to verbally fellate Bischoff before giving out a “Woo”.
We will find out later who Hulk Hogan is picking for the tag champs’ opponents tonight. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t Hogan picking the opponents for that match pretty much go against everything he talked about in regards to Open Fight Night last week?
In the locker room, we Christopher Daniels and Kazarian walk in on Kurt Angle. Kaz is rambling on about how pathetic AJ Styles is. Angle says he never asked for their help last week, and if they ever get involved in his matches again, they’ll see a side of him they never want to see. Daniels calls Angle and ungrateful ass. Angle hears it, so Daniels plays it off like he’s on the phone. So, Angle’s a face now? Great.
We see wrestlers looking on in the back as Jeremy Borash makes his way out for some reason. Borash reminds us of what night it is. He thanks Hogan for this, as this gives all employees the opportunity to air a grievance or possibly call someone out. He’s not here to call out a wrestler, but he’s here to call out another employee. He’s been here longer than anyone on the current roster, and it’s universally known that there hasn’t been a bigger prick in the last three years to come into the company than Eric Bischoff. If this is going to be Bischoff’s last night here, instead of getting liquored up and demeaning employees on his Facebook page, he’d like to call Bischoff into the ring face-to-face and shove his fist down Bischoff’s throat. So, this is what it’s come to, folks-announcers calling out managers. Because this equals ratings.
Bischoff makes his way down. Honestly, does anyone care about any of this? Borash is about as entertaining or viable as Eric’s worthless son, Garett. The crowd is doing the “Na na na na” chant. Eric takes a picture of Borash. Borash says there needs to be a breathalyzer on Eric’s phone, then asks about apps involving drunk tweets. Eric says he hopes Borash enjoys his 15 seconds of fame here, because he knows he will. He corrects Borash that his phone is an iPhone and not a Blackberry, because we all give a damn. Eric starts to say something else, when Bully Ray comes in from behind and gives Borash a low blow. Eric calls Borash an idiot as Ray films him with his phone. Eric asks a referee to come into the ring, since it’s Open Fight Night.
MATCH 2: Jeremy Borash vs. Eric Bischoff
The referee gets down and counts a 3, making Eric Bischoff the winner of this “match”.
WINNER: Eric Bischoff. Correct me if I’m wrong, but even though Eric is here tonight, he lost his job as an employee in the Lethal Lockdown match, meaning Borash calling him out and him “getting the win” were both even more pointless. Yeah, this concept is going to last a really long time.
Mr. Anderson is in the back, talking to Anonymous Interviewer now. He’s rambling on about respect for Eric Bischoff, as Eric is the one who brought him in the company. He more or less calls Eric two-faced. He says everyone thinks Bischoff is an asshole, but that’s not true because Anderson is an asshole; it’s a term of indearment. God, I hate you so much, Anderson. He then calls Bischoff a “frickin’ douchebag, and that douchebag needs to go BUH-BYE.” So much hate for this man.
Mexican America is in the ring. Speaking of wrestlers I hate, Anarquia has been given a microphone. He’s screaming about not being considered for the Tag Team title match. Nobody can beat them at all. Except, you know, everyone on the roster since they haven’t won a match in months. Kurt Angle is apparently going to do so. Anarquia keeps spewing nonsense with fake Spanish peppered in. He makes it look like Hernandez is going to take the match, but attacks Angle from behind as he’s looking at Hernandez.
MATCH 2: Anarquia (w/Hernandez, Rosita and Sarita) vs. Kurt Angle.
Again, when did Angle become a face? Anarquia is punching Angle in the corner, followed by a corner whip. Remember when Angle was the most hated guy in the company? Neither doe these fans. Angle sidesteps a corner charge, hits a release German Suplex, follows up with the Angle Slam and the ankle lock for the submission.
WINNER: Kurt Angle. You know your show is bad when the best match of the night so far has been Bully Ray vs. Devon.
We get a video package for Alex Silva, who will get a chance at a TNA contract tonight in the first Open Fight Night “Gut Check”. Alex Silva makes his way into the Impact Zone, flanked by Al Snow, who has a microphone. Guess we have to wait until after the commercial to hear what Snow has to say.
Back from the break, Snow and Silva are in the ring. Snow is telling us he is the lead judge for these “Gut Checks”. He describes what the Gut Check is, with these guys basically attempting to earn a spot on the roster when facing a TNA star. He then tells all independent stars to sign up for the Gut Check if they want a shot in the future. Tens of independent stars are signing up right now as we speak.
MATCH 4: Alex Silva vs. Robbie E (w/Robbie T)
Al Snow is taking over for Mike Tenay on commentary for this match. E slaps Silva. Silva slaps E. Silva looks like a monkey. He throws a few really weak punches and a clothesline for a 0-count. E hits a clothesline and a bunch of weak kicks. This could headline flea markets all over the country. E with a double axe handle and a back elbow. E with a bodyslam, a knee lift and another bodyslam. E goes to the middle rope, but misses the elbow drop. Silva hits a pair of back elbows and a powerslam. He goes to the middle, but E moves out of the way, kicks him in the gut and hits a punch. The camera awkwardly cuts to a shot of some fans who look terribly bored. E hits a weak implant DDT and gets the 3.
WINNER: Robbie E. Al Snow tells us to email TNA and let them know what we think of Alex Silva. I think I can speak for the other 9 people watching this show when I say that, Silva, you are only embarrassing yourself.
Dixie Carter is telling Anonymous Interviewer about what she’ll miss about Eric Bischoff. Basically, she sarcastically says she’ll miss everything about him, before saying “Pretty much nothing.” Ha! That was so clever.
We see Hulk Hogan in his office, talking to the possible challengers for the Tag Team titles. He lists off the “so many great teams” on the roster, which consist of the Motor City Machine Guns, the mash-up team of Anderson & Jeff Hardy, Kazarian & Christopher Daniels (who have barely teamed since this angle started) and ODB & Eric Young. This is your TNA tag team division, folks. Hogan asks Daniels why his team deserves the shot. Daniels points out the Guns lost at Lockdown. He says in ODB, one of them is a man, and the other has a bad beard. He calls Anderson a “potty mouth”, saying he and Hardy hate each other. Chris Sabin points out the Guns’ accolades, saying they want it more than anyone else. Hogan then calls Hardy and Anderson two of the greatest pieces of talent in history. Anderson kisses Hardy and say he loves him. Apparently, that’s his reason for deserving a shot. As Hogan is asking ODB and Young if they’re ready, you can see that he’s stoned out of his mind. Young says they’re undefeated, and they’re already champions. Hogan tells the Guns they are out of the competition due to Shelley’s knee being bad after Lockdown, but he’ll make his final decision later tonight. Makes sense-eliminate the best team on the roster and one of the best in the world. Good decision.
Brooke Tessmacher makes her way down, calling for a microphone on the way. The former notch on Batista’s bedpost says the entire wrestling world is talking about how she pinned Gail Kim last week. Except no one is talking about that. At all. People are saying it was a fluke (bingo). She’s here to prove that was no fluke, that she’s no fluke, and she’s not a pair of ASS-ets. Oh, that was so good. It may not be a championship match, but she’s calling out Gail Kim’s “high maintenance…self…” out here now.
MATCH 4: Brooke Tessmacher vs. Knockouts Champion Gail Kim (non-title)
Tessy tries to charge in before the bell, but referee Earl Hebner keeps them separated. He then rings the bell after Kim decks Tessy in the back of the head. Kim throws her into the corners a couple of times before whipping her face-first into the mat. Kim botches a running clothesline for 2. Kim slaps her in the face and kicks her in the ribs. Another corner whip, followed by a corner clothesline? I guess? I don’t know. It looked bad. Kim’s off her game tonight. Tessy moves out of the way of a second charge, and fires off some punches. Corner whip by Tessy, but Kim counters with a running clothesline. That one looked better. Kim slams Tessy’s head into the mat before stomping on her. She gets Tessy up in a fireman’s carry, and just releases her face-first. Tessy fights back from her knees, hitting some forearms and a pair of running clotheslines. She hits the Eve Torres Dropsh*t, but Kim sidesteps her on a charge, sending her throat-first into the ropes. Kim gets her in the corner and applies a foot choke. She grabs the title belt and shoves it in Tessy’s face before calling her a “piece of sh*t”. Kim hits the running shoulder in the corner, then goes up top for a seated dropkick. Tessy moves and hits a back suplex into a facebuster for 3.
WINNER: Brooke Tessmacher. Guess she finally upgraded her finisher from the small package.
Up next, Hogan eliminates the second team for the Tag Team title match tonight. I’m on the edge of my seat here.
Anonymous Interviewer is asking Daniels and Kazarian if they’ll get the title match tonight. Daniels says of course. Kazarian makes reference to “a disturbance in the force”, saying AJ Styles isn’t here tonight, but he better show up next week, or they let the “kitty out of the bag”. Kazarian, quit trying to be a nerd. You’re a total dork and a tool, and it’s time you accepted that.
We get video from last week, when RVD became the new #1 contender for the World title, despite really not having done anything at all for months. Just like last year! Hooray for fresh ideas!
We see Al Snow talking to Alex Silva. He hopes Silva realizes the chance he got, and he’ll talk to the other judges and get back to Silva next week with their decision. World Champion Bobby Roode walks in. He calls Silva the “Gut Check kid” before introducing himself. Silva had a chance at a contract tonight. Does he know how long it took Roode to get a contract, to even get seen in this company? He wishes Silva luck before telling him he always has to be ready for the unexpected. Roode then punches him in the stomach.
We’re now back in Hogan’s office with the title contenders. He singles out ODB and Eric Young, saying they’ve “over-trained”. Okay. They’re out of the running for tonight. As Young walks away, his bacne is more prevalent than ever. Hogan tells the two remaining teams to head to the ring, as he’ll make his decision there.
Great. We’ve got Garett Bischoff talking to Anonymous Interviewer now. He’s putting in his two cents about Eric Bischoff now. I’m sure you can guess everything that the face son will say about the heel dad, so I’m not recapping it. I’ve had enough of this asshat.
We see Bully Ray in the back, talking on his cellphone to his girlfriend or whatever. Joseph Abyss walks in and introduces himself. He says it’s a pleasure to meet Ray. Ray responds with, “Of course it is.” Abyss says Ray might know the whereabouts of himself. Ray doesn’t know anything, but if he didn’t, he wouldn’t say anything. Abyss hands him his card, asking him if he knows any information on the whereabouts of himself, Ray should give him a call. Ray tells him to “shove it”. Abyss laughs.
The World Tag Team Champions Magnus and Samoa Joe make their way out to the ring, as it’s time to find out who their opponents are for the night. Christopher Daniels and Kazarian make their way out next, followed by Jeff Hardy and Mr. Anderson. And, because he has to be out last, Hulk Hogan finally makes his way out. As everyone else is in the ring, he stays on the stage to make his announcement. He wants everyone to know that the atmosphere for Open Fight Night is even wilder in the back than it has been for everyone out here, brother. This decision for the title match has been his toughest decision of the night. Basically, he says he doesn’t like Kazarian and Daniels, but at the same time, Anderson and Hardy can’t work together. Much like Kurt Angle turning face, since when? Anyway, because of this, um, logic?, Hogan says that Anderson and Hardy get the title match. Oh, and in case you weren’t sure it was Open Fight Night, Hogan has said it about 812 times during this broadcast.
MATCH 5-World Tag Team Championship: Champions Magnus and Samoa Joe vs. Jeff Hardy and Mr. Anderson
Taz just referred to this as “Crash TV”. I thought Vince Russo left? Joe starts off with Anderson, backs him into the corner and punches him down. Anderson returns the favor before tripping Joe for 2. Anderson with an arm wringer as Hardy asks for a tag. Anderson ignores it, allowing Joe to tag in Magnus. Anderson tags in Hardy by shoving him. Magnus with a punch and some corner kicks. Hardy catches a headscissors out of the corner and a reverse enziguri for 2. Hardy with an arm wringer as he tags in Anderson. The challengers try a double-team, but Magnus fights them both off and tags in Joe. Joe comes in and runs into a back elbow from Anderson as we go to commercials.
Back from the break, Joe is back in control. He throws Anderson to his corner and tags in Magnus. Magnus runs into a trip by Anderson, who turns it into a side headlock. Hardy tags in, hits an inverted atomic drop, a double legdrop and a seated dropkick. Magnus rolls to the outside, and Hardy follows. Joe manages to level Hardy with a clothesline on the outside as Magnus rolls back in the ring. Joe rolls Hardy into the ring for a 2 by Magnus. Joe tags in, and the champions hit the inverted atomic drop/bit boot/running senton series for 2. Joe with a headbutt before throwing Hardy to the corner. Hardy gets his elbow up on a charge, then blows Whisper in the Wind (as always), taking Joe down. Anderson and Magnus both tag in. Anderson hits a clothesline, a back elbow and a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Anderson goes for the rolling fireman’s carry, but Joe charges at him. Anderson drops Magnus and hits Joe with a clothesline. Anderson charges in at Magnus, but Magnus sidesteps, sending Anderson to the floor. Hardy sends Magnus to the floor. Joe hits Hardy with a powerslam for 2, even though neither are legal. Joe picks Hardy up, but Hardy hits a sit-out jawbreaker and the Twist of Fate. Outside the ring, Magnus sends Anderson into the stairs. Hardy gets distracted and nails Magnus with a running clothesline from the apron. Anderson slides back in the ring and goes for the Mic Check. Joe reverses, but Anderson reverses as well into a roll-up. Joe turns the roll-up into the Kokina Clutch, and Anderson taps out.
WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: Magnus and Samoa Joe. At least the right team went over here. Considering what company this is, it wouldn’t have surprised me if Hardy and Anderson won the belts and then held them for the next two years. As the champs are making their way back up the ramp, they’re attacked by Daniels and Kazarian.
Ric Flair’s going-away party for Eric Bischoff is up next. Because it would be stupid to have a match close the show when a Flair/Bischoff party has been promised. Ratings!
They’ve laid out the red canvas in the ring, and filled it with a random fancy chair, a podium and a picture of Eric Bischoff on an easel. Ric Flair comes out, flanked by Bully Ray, Gunner, Kazarian and Christopher Daniels. The camera zooms in on Ray’s face for some reason, and he’s starting to look really old. Flair says we’re here tonight not to mourn, but to celebrate, and no one alive knows how to celebrate more than him. Google him. That’s his wife’s favorite line, apparently. We’re celebrating Eric Bischoff tonight. If you have any knowledge of this sport, Eric has been a major impact player, no pun intended. More stupid “na na na na” chants. And people wonder why Flair doesn’t like wrestling fans. They are the rudest people he’s ever met. And now, a man who has impacted TNA Wrestling more than anyone, Mr. Eric Bischoff. As Eric comes out, I notice that his name on his entrance “video” has been blurred, despite the fact that they’ve been saying and showing his name uncensored Ad nauseum all night.
Eric takes his seat in the fancy chair. Flair says he needs to tell Eric what Eric has meant to him, as well as to the other men in the ring and the hundreds who have worked for him. Dixie Carter should be on her knees thanking Eric for the day he came to him. Even though Flair doesn’t like Hogan, Eric is the reason Hogan is here, and more importantly, he’s the reason Flair’s here. These gentlemen here all know what Eric’s done for them as individuals. Flair asks if there are any women in the audience who want to go home and sleep with Eric tonight, meaning he wants to give one of them the poster. Flair then thanks everyone, and hopes everyone knows and appreciates what Eric has done in this business. Gunner then grabs the microphone. He says it’s a sad day for all of us. Eric’s been like a father figure to him and has given him nothing but opportunities. Flair then presents Eric with a gift on behalf of everyone in the ring. It’s a Rolex watch. Bully Ray says he’s never admitted this to another man before, but Eric is the wind beneath his wings. Ray then hugs Eric as Daniels fake cries.
Garett Bischoff’s music hits, and he comes out with Jeremy Borash, Austin Aries, the Motor City Machine Guns and Rob Van Dam. He says JB has a really good idea. If this is really Eric’s last night, they all wanted to pitch in and get him a farewell gift. Again, the crowd is so into Garett, they’re chanting “RVD! RVD!” Borash says that, although Eric’s Rolex is nice, they have something more symbolic. Tonight, they’d like induct him into the “TNA Shed of Shame”. We see SoCal Val somewhere else in the arena by a curtain, and the curtain pulls back to reveal a yellow port-a-John. The heels and faces begin brawling as Garett grabs his dad in a headlock and drags him to the toilet, where Borash opens the door and helps shove Eric in. They lock a chain around it as Garett pretends that the crowd gives a flying damn about him. Borash and Garett then push the toilet over, and we see a puddle of poop below where it was sitting, because poop=comedy. Eric manages to climb out, and he’s covered in more poop, making things so much more hilarious.
End of show.
What’s left to say, Mama Walton?
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Welcome to the 4-19-12 edition of Impact Wrestling. Lockdown 2012 is in the books, and from what I’ve seen and heard, it was a pretty awful show. Gee, a show overloaded with cage matches. Who would guess that it wouldn’t be very good? I know I was dying to see Robbie E vs. Devon in a cage match. Wasn’t everyone else?
The show opens with highlights from the PPV, namely the Roode/Storm match that saw Roode retain the title. I love how the highlights pretty much show nothing but Storm firing off Last Calls. As I’ve said before, TNA seems hell-bent on making Storm a one-move wrestler.
In the Impact Zone, Roode is making his way down to the ring. He’s sporting a new look, as the pseudo-mullet has been replaced with a standard, close-cropped ‘do. Roode says that, although the appearance has changed, ladies and gentleman, the champ is still the same. He is still the “IT factor” of professional wrestling, the leader of the “selfish generation”, and most importantly, still YOUR World Heavyweight Champion. And it feels so good to be your champion. He came out several weeks ago and promised everyone that he would walk into Lockdown and defeat James Storm in front of his friends, family and fans in his own backyard of Nashville, and he made good on his promise. He has to give James Storm credit; he promised everyone he’d give Roode the Last Call, and Storm nailed him with it. But, with that kick, Storm sealed his fate. He destroyed his dreams and destiny, as Roode is still standing here as champion. Roode has defeated every one of the fans’ heroes-Storm, AJ Styles, Jeff Hardy and Sting. As far as Roode is concerned, there are no more heroes left for him to beat.
Mr. Anderson’s dumbass music as he walks his stupid self down to the ring, looking all angrypants. Anderson tells Roode to shut the hell up. Anderson is going to beat his ass (un-bleeped this time), bloody his face, and take his title. Anderson doesn’t need a bunch of weapons, including a beer bottle, to do it. Roode says that, while Anderson has been sitting at home in Green Bay, Roode’s been here, being the most dominant champion in the company’s history. There’s a lot of guys in line way ahead of Anderson, so he needs to grab a ticket and head to the back of the line.
Jeff Hardy now limps his way out to the ring, who beat up the walking injury known as Kurt Angle at the PPV. Hardy says Roode is champion only because of Angle, and Hardy now has Angle out of the way. Anderson tells Hardy he was here first. Hardy says it’s his turn. They then bitch and moan about who should be the first in line for a match as Roode eggs them both on. We see Hulk Hogan up on the big screen, who is apparently standing in front of a green screen for some reason. He says he wants all of the TNA champions in the ring later tonight for a major announcement, including Roode. As for Hardy and Anderson, they’ll face each other tonight to determine a new #1 contender for the title.
Kurt Angle will also face AJ Styles later tonight, and we’ll be “treated” to a tag team match up next, as Bully Ray and Crimson will take on Austin Aries and Matt Morgan. One of these things is not like the others.
Off topic for a second, in case anyone was wondering, Mass Effect 3 is completely amazing thus far. This series is one of my all-time favorites in all of gaming history.
MATCH 1: Crimson and Bully Ray vs. Matt Morgan and World X-Division Champion Austin Aries
Christy Hemme, I don’t need to know the specific section of Brooklyn that Crimson is from, neither does anyone else. Morgan and Crimson start off by trading blows. Morgan shoulders him down, followed by a clothesline and a knee lift. Morgan hits a swinging side slam as he sets up for the Carbon Footprint. Crimson ducks, and Morgan gets crotched on the ropes. Ray hotshots the leg over the top rope, taking Morgan down. That was one of the slowest pump kick attempts I’ve ever seen. Crimson is working over the leg now. Morgan fights back with some punches, but Crimson ducks a discus clothesline and catches Morgan with an exploder suplex. I swear that’s one of the only move Crimson knows. Ray tags in and keeps working over the leg. Ray forgets how to put on a leglock before he punches Morgan in the knee. Crimson back in, who hits a leg DDT before locking in a grapevine. Morgan gets to the ropes to break the hold. Ray tags back in, and hits a rolling snap on the leg. Taz just compared Ray to Mil Mascaras with that move as I begin choking on my own bile. Crimson tags back in, and they do a wishbone on Morgan. Crimson bounces off the ropes and runs into Morgan, who attempted to hit the discus, but was completely out of place and basically hit a spinning shoulderblock instead. Way to go, genius. Morgan makes it to his corner and tags in the greatest man alive. Ray also tags in, where he’s beat on by Aries. Crimson tries to attack from behind, and Aries takes him down with a bunch of kicks. Aries jumps off Crimson’s back into some mounted punches on Ray in the corner. Aries ducks a spear attempt by Crimson, who ends up spearing Ray. Morgan takes Crimson out with a clothesline over the top rope, followed by a suicide dive from Aries. Aries hits a rolling elbow on Ray and a corner dropkick. Aries sets up for the brainbuster, but Ray rolls through into a schoolboy and nearly pulls Aries tights off (and weirdly stares at Aries’ ass) as the referee counts to 3.
WINNERS: Bully Ray.
We see the totally not overrated and deserving Garett Bischoff walking around in the back, making his way towards the Impact Zone. He’ll be out to address a bunch of people who don’t give a damn next. Speaking of Garett Bischoff, if you want to see something entertaining in regards to him (believe it or not, one such thing does exist), go to Twitter and read Scott Steiner’s rants about him and his father. Although Steiner is normally delightfully batsh*t insane, he’s right on the money in regards to Garett.
In the back, Anonymous Interviewer stops Jeff Hardy to ask whose turn it is next, his or Anderson’s. He says it’s his. Anderson deserves a chance, too, and Hogan made the right decision tonight.
Garett Bischoff makes his way out, and he’s flanked by Anderson, AJ Styles and Rob Van Dam. One fan in the crowd has an oh-so intelligent sign that says “Bye-bye, Eric B*******”. Whatever. Garett is so over, the crowd immediately begins chanting “RVD! RVD!” Garett says Sunday was one of the biggest nights of his life. As a team, they went out there, fought a hell of a fight, came out on top, and together, they were victorious, getting rid of Eric Bischoff once and for all. He thanks all three of the guys in the ring before shaking their hands. Styles says he speaks for everyone when he says Garett has some balls. He took a beating, he got back up, showed heart and cracked a guitar over his dad’s head.
Because the segment’s already going so well, Ric Flair makes his way onto the stage. First of all, Garett is so nervous, he’s stumbling all over himself. Second of all, the collection of talent in the ring is only here because of Eric Bischoff (Bischoff, in this case, was bleeped, because we’re not supposed to hear that name anymore. Because we all care so much). Eric was one of the greatest innovators in the history of this business. Garett is a disrespectful disgrace and a punk. And these guys siding with him look like punks, too. Next week, Flair is having a tribute to Eric (bleep). He’s hosting it, he’ll be drinking at it, and the four of them need to find something else to do, because they’re not invited. And he is pissed off. Woooo! How is it that Flair, one of the greatest promo guys of all time, is now unbearable to listen to? Oh, and Eric Bischoff’s name was bleeped about 100 times during this segment, so expect him back really soon.
Kazarian is in the back, and much like Bobby Roode, he’s got a new look as well. In this case, though, it’s not an improvement. He looks like he should be the focus of an episode of “To Catch a Predator”. He tells Anonymous Interviewer he’s got someone who has something to say, and walks over to Christopher Daniels, who is leaning against a locker. Everyone wants to know what secret Daniels is holding over Kazarian. Well, the secret wasn’t about Kazarian; it was about AJ Styles, and based on some information he has on a piece of paper in his hand, maybe tonight’s the night to tell everyone. Wait, this angle is still going?
Angle/Styles is up next.
We see Tag Team Champions Magnus and Samoa Joe in the back. Television Champion Devon walks up and wants to know why they need to be in the ring later tonight. Magnus and Joe don’t know anything.
MATCH 2: Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles
To show how valuable the TNA title is (which you can read about in a column I wrote on here), as the commentators are talking about what they just saw as Angle makes his way down, they only mention the Tag Team Champions being invited for Hogan’s announcement. Taz can’t stop talking about Styles’ black ring gear, for some reason. Tie-up to start, with Styles turning it into an armbar. He twists the arm, so Angle punches him into the corner. European uppercut by Angle. Styles reverses a corner whip, but Angle gets his foot up on the charge. He goes into a waistlock, which Styles reverses. For some reason, the screen goes completely black at this point, then goes into a commercial. I don’t think it was my signal, as the Spike TV logo was still in the corner of the screen the entire time. Sorry, folks.
Back from the break, Styles takes Angle down with a clothesline, a back elbow and a roundhouse. Angle falls to the corner, where Styles hits a jumping forearm shot. Angle reverses a corner whip. Styles counters a charge and hits the Superman. Daniels and Kazarian are at ringside. Just as Styles is about to go for the Styles Clash, Daniels jumps on the apron, paper in hand. Angle goes for the Angle Slam, but Styles reverses into an armdrag and takes Angle down with a discus clothesline. Styles grabs the paper out of Daniels’ hand, and as he’s trying to read it, Angle snags a quick schoolboy for the 3.
WINNER: Kurt Angle. After the match, Styles keeps looking at the paper, then looking at Daniels and Kazarian as they’re heading back up the ramp.
In the back, Joseph Abyss is handing his business card to a guy that looks like Mike Chioda. He comes across Gunner, who still says he doesn’t know anything, and to leave him alone. Abyss asks him if he’s familiar with the term “default judgment”. Gunner says he isn’t, so Abyss explains to him that it’s the failure of a defendant to answer a complaint by a plaintiff. Abyss has been investigating around here for weeks, and he’s not leaving until he has answers. Gunner doesn’t know where Abyss is, and last time he saw him, it was in the ring with Bully Ray. Go ask Bully Ray.
World Tag Team Champions Magnus and Samoa Joe make their way down to the ring. I guess it’s time for Hogan’s announcement, as Knockouts Champion Gail Kim makes her way down next. World Television Champion Devon is out next. My screen goes black again as a loud beep is heard, before immediately going to commercials. Spike TV’s signals suck something awful tonight.
Back from the break, World X-Division Champion Austin Aries has joined the others in the ring, and World Champion Bobby Roode is out now. Knockouts Tag Team Champions Eric Young and ODB aren’t here, which is fine, because those titles are even more worthless than the TV title.
In the back, Hulk Hogan comes across Rob Van Dam. He thanks RVD for putting a bullet in Eric (bleep). He’s got a #1 contender’s match tonight, and wants to make it a 3-way. RVD says that, if there was only a champion who lost the belt despite never being in a match. Hogan adds him to the match, but not before calling him “R-V-D-D-D-D-D”.
Hulk Hogan now makes hiw way out for his big announcement. When he says he’s right, he’s on the money, and change is definitely in the air. Starting next week, things are changing. There will be a special episode. Once a month, there will be one of these, and it will be called “Open Fight Night”, and at these shows, a piece of talent outside the company will get a chance to wrestle on the show, and they’re going to be judged by a panel of 3 judges. If the judges and Hogan like what they see, the wrestler will be offered a contract. Also on that night, if anyone on the roster gets challenged, you have to accept the fight. Roode asks Hogan who he thinks he is. Maybe he didn’t get the memo from Sting, but this is Roode’s show. He’s the champion, and no one tells him what to do or when to do it. Hogan called the champions out here for a reason. On “Open Fight Night”, not only does the roster need to be ready, but the champions will all defend their titles if they get called out. Gail Kim wants to know who decides this. Hogan does. He wants to hear what the fans have to say, so he asks them to tweet and Facebook him. He wants to know what the fans want to see, and which titles they want to see defended. Devon grabs a mic and says he agrees with everything Hogan just said. When he won his title, he told everyone he’d be a fighting champion. Whoever Hogan puts in the ring with him, he will “testify all over their asses (bleeped, despite being uncensored earlier tonight).” Hogan is glad, because he wanted to talk to Devon. When he was a kid, the TV title was defended every week, and from now on, that will be the case with the TNA title as well. Hogan then starts posing.
Hmmm…I write an article about how the TV title is worthless, and a couple days later, TNA makes an announcement that the belt will be defended every week from now on. Coincidence? Probably? However, we’ll see how long this sticks. TNA has made these announcements before, with both the tag team and X divisions, and they failed to deliver both times. Remember the TNA “Top 10 Challengers” bit? How long did that last, a week? Same thing will happen here, especially with “Open Fight Night”. If TNA can actually stick to it, more power to them, but based on their track record, I have very little faith in it.
As if they knew about this beforehand, TNA already has graphics ready for “Gut Check” and “Open Fight Night”. What are the odds?
MATCH 4-8-Knockouts Tag Team Match: Knockouts Champion Gail Kim, Madison Rayne, Rosita and Sarita vs. TNT (Tara and Brooke Tessmacher), Mickie James and Velvet Sky
Apparently, Tessy still works here. Not that it matters. Apparently, Velvet Sky’s new nickname is “Vel-Vel”. What the hell is a Vel-Vel? She’s got a nickname that sounds close to Velveeta and a gimmick involving pigeons flying out of her ass. And people wonder why WWE doesn’t see TNA as a threat. Miss Workrate herself starts things off with Sarita. She hits a crossbody and a Kelly Kelly headscissors. Sarita knees her in the back and tags in Rosita. Sarita hits a hip toss, but Rosita misses a somersault senton. Workrate hits a couple of awful knees to the face and a bulldog. She goes after Gail Kim, but Rosita attacks her from behind. Kim tags in and hits a forearm to the back of the head and a running clothesline for 2. Knee to the boob by Kim. Workrate chops her in the chest, kicks her in the gut, then does this sequence again. She goes for In Yo Face, but Kim slides out and tags in Rayne. Rayne takes a snapmare from Workrate, followed by a dropkick by a freshly-tagged James. James hits Kim with a weak uppercut before hitting a flapjack on Rayne. James goes up, but Rosita causes a distraction. James forearms her, and Sarita hotshots her across the top rope, allowing Rayne to get 2. Rosita tags back in and kicks her in the face and in the ribs, followed by a very low hurricanrana for 2. James reverses a clothesline into a neckbreaker, and both are down now. Tara tags in, as does Sarita. They trade some blows. Tara hits a back body drop after a kick, and she appears to be blowing all of her moves tonight. Tara takes way a damn long time hitting the standing moonsault, as she has to do a bunch of stupid dances first. She eventually connects and goes for the pin. She gets 2, but rolls away as Sarita comes in and tries to break it up with an elbow, nailing Rosita in the process. Tessy tags in, and they hit a double hip toss on Sarita. Sarita lands on the top rope and back flips off before doing her un-sexy sexy dance. TNT hit a double back elbow and mock her, making the dance even less sexy. Tessy hits a tilt-a-whirl arm drag and a Mug Shot out of the corner. Rayne breaks up the pin before tagging herself in, despite the fact that Sarita was never legal. Tessy hits some forearms to the face and a pair of clotheslines. She picks Kim up for a back suplex, but instead just throws her forward, face-first in a really bad spot. She goes for the pin, but all the heels come in to break it up. The faces then run to even things out, and they eventually brawl to the floor, with the two legal Knockouts still in the ring. Tessy goes for a monkey flip out of the corner, but Kim blocks it and rolls her up with her feet on the ropes. Workrate knocks the feet off before the 3 can be counted. Kim and Workrate start yelling at each other, which allows Tessy to roll Kim up for the 3.
WINNERS: Mickie James, Velvet Sky and TNT.
Mr. Anderson is in the back talking to Anonymous Interviewer about how he’s an asswipe, how he loves “Open Fight Night”, and how he’ll win the 3-way tonight.
We see footage from ODB and Eric Young’s honeymoon. They’re sitting poolside with their title belts. A waiter comes up, and Young gets in his face before stripping down to his underwear for no reason. ODB then puts an ice pack on Young’s junk. Because they’ve had so much sex, apparently.
MATCH 5-World Television Championship: Gunner vs. Devon
Gunner immediately attacks from behind before grinding Devon’s face across the top rope. Elbow to the back of the head, followed by some shots in the corner. Another elbow. Devon eventually fights back with some punches. Gunner gets an elbow off off a charge and hits a clothesline for 2. Stomp and a kneedrop by Gunner gets another 2. Gunner chokes Devon over the middle rope as he tries to do a scary laugh. He hits some more forearms and elbows. Devon with more punches. Gunner with another back elbow for 2. Another 2 by Gunner. Gunner with a pair of jumping stomps for another 2. Man, this “Match of the Year” material. Punch by Gunner and a pieface. Devon comes back with a spear off the ropes (Tenay: “Shoulderblock, I think, to the gut”). He hits some punches to the gut, a clothesline and a back elbow. Shoulderblock off the ropes and a Thesz Press. Jumping headbutt and an avalanche in the corner. Devon hits a jumping clothesline off the ropes. Gunner tries for a clothesline, but Devon ducks and hits the standing spinebuster for 3.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Devon.
James Storm now makes his way out to the ring as Devon is heading up the ramp. They shake hands and hug. He gets in the ring and has something to say to everyone supporting him. He’s sorry. He feels like he let everyone down. He said he was going to win the title, because it’s something he believed he would do. When he saw Roode’s face, he was trying to hurt him, and that’s where his pride and ego got in the way. When he saw doctors and paremedics checking out Roode, he thought that would be enough. But, as he was in the back after the match, he began doubting himself and asking if he still wanted to do this. When he went home, his daughter asked where his title belt was. He had a hard time looking into her eyes, and he had a hard time looking at himself after that. When he finally looked in the mirror the next morning, he saw a man that was beat. Roode may have won the match, but he didn’t beat Storm. Storm beat himself. He’s wrestled with a bunch of different injuries, and he keeps doing it because of fans chanting his name. The ring is his piece of Heaven, and this is what he loves to do. He’s sorry he let his dad down, but he knows his dad is up in Heaven and still loves him. Roode said something about Storm’s luck, and maybe he was right. Maybe Storm’s luck has run out. Storm then drops the mic and leaves the ring.
We get a graphic for “Eric Bischoff Appreciation Night”, with Eric’s last name blurred out. For a guy who is gone from the company “forever” and can never use his name again, that same name has been dropped more than anyone else’s tonight. I’m sure TNA will stick to its guns and keep him gone forever, though.
MATCH 6-Triple Threat Match to determine a new #1 contender for the World Championship: Rob Van Dam vs. Mr. Anderson vs. Jeff Hardy
I love how Hardy mouths the words to his entrance theme whenever he comes out, because he’s the only person who can figure out what he’s even saying in the song. Tenay says Anderson will focus on a “power game” here. You kind of need muscle & power and, you know, not the body of a 12 year-old for that, Mike. Anderson takes RVD down with a clothesline before punching Hardy. He backs Hardy into the corner and stomps him. RVD takes them both down with clotheslines. Thrust kick for Anderson. Roundhouse for Hardy. Step-over spinning heel kick for Anderson. Monkey flip for Hardy. Jumping side kick from the top rope for Anderson. Hardy chopblocks RVD and hits a double legdrop pin for 2. Slingshot dropkick in the corner by Hardy. Sit-out gourdbuster by Hardy gets 2 as Anderson breaks it up. Anderson throws Hardy under the bottom rope into a ring post before putting RVD in a rear chinlock. RVD fights out, but Anderson hits a DDT for 2 as Hardy breaks it up. Anderson reverses a corner whip by Hardy, but Hardy gets his elbow up on a charge. Hardy goes up top and botches Whisper in the Wind (as always). Anderson counters a charging Hardy, nailing him with a swinging neckbreaker. RVD gets back up and hits Anderson with a spinning heel kick before landing Rolling Thunder on Hardy. Anderson picks RVD up and hits the rolling fireman’s carry slam. Hardy hits Anderson with a Twist of Fate. He goes up for the Swanton Bomb and connects, but RVD knocks him down with a spinning dropkick. RVD goes up and nails Anderson with the Five-Star Frog Splash. Hardy goes for Twist of Fate on RVD, but RVD counters into a splitting backslide for the 3.
WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: Rob Van Dam.
End of show.
Why do I get the feeling the Eric Bischoff (bleep) segment will take up way, WAY more time than it needs to next week?
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Welcome to the 4-12-12 edition of Impact Wrestling. Before I get into tonight’s show, I have to do a bit of a cheap plug for myself. In addition to CCB and the other sites I am currently writing for, I am now a WWE correspondent for Sportskeeda.com. My first article is already up, taking a look at Smackdown!’s latest acquisition, Ryback. Check it out, and feedback is always welcome.
Tonight is the “go home” edition of Impact, as Lockdown takes place this Sunday. Now, I don’t ever order TNA PPVs, ever, but after seeing this card, I gotta say…yeah, I’m still not ordering any TNA PPVs. Team Garett vs. Team Eric in “Lethal Lockdown”? Thanks, but I’d rather have screws drilled into my toes.
Heading into the Impact Zone is the aforementioned Eric Bischoff. He points at some fat guy, calling him a “piece of crap” and asking if he ate his way in here. That is just so clever. He’s got some business to take care of, and he’s going to do it right now. Hulk Hogan and his kid are feeling really good about themselves. For once, I actually agree with an Impact Zone chant, as the crowd is chanting “We don’t care!” What Hogan and Garett don’t understand is that the name Eric Bischoff will live on after everyone is dead and gone. He will be a legacy in this business, and his name will live on. Last week, when Hogan questioned his leadership ability. With a snap of his finger, Eric was able to put together the most devastating team “this history has ever seen.” I think you mean “industry”, f**knut. Bischoff then introduces his team to the crowd. You can pretty much predict who his team is, but just in case, it’s Bully Ray, Christopher Daniels, Gunner and Kazarian. Ray continues his stupid shtick by asking the crowd if they know who Eric Bischoff is. Chances are, half of them don’t. Ray says he’s proud to stand next to Bischoff and go to war for him, but as great of a man as Bischoff is, he’s made one mistake. He’s going to call Bischoff out on the mistake right now, and that mistake is his bastard son. Bischoff knows Ray will take care of that at Lockdown, and he knows what the stakes are. One team will have a one-man advantage, and tonight, we’ll have a best-of-3 series to determine that advantage. He knows Gunner is ready and will take anyone down his punk-ass kid can bring, so let’s start things now.
Garett Bischoff makes his way onto the stage. It looks like his dad has been really hard at work. The team is lined up and ready to go, which is good. He hopes his dad has chosen wisely, because he’s going to need it (??). As it turns out, he’s got his team lined up as well, and they are chomping at the bit to destroy Eric’s team. One of those guys is chomping worse than the others, so let’s introduce him now.
And, of course, Garett proves he’s the biggest dumbass in the Bischoff family by choosing Mr. Anderson. Anderson/Gunner is up next. God help us.
MATCH 1-Lethal Lockdown Best-of-3 Series, Part 1: Gunner vs. Mr. Anderson
The match has already started when we come back from the break. Anderson is punching Gunner in the corner. Anderson with a kick, some punches and some stomps to send Gunner down in the corner. Gunner suckers him in, tripping him into the second turnbuckle. Gunner rakes the forehead, where Anderson has a bandage from his boo-boo last week. Gunner rakes his nails across Anderson’s back before punching him a few times. He goes to lawn dart Anderson into the ring post, but Anderson slides out and sends Gunner into the post. Gunner goes into the guardrail a couple of times. Anderson punches him before Gunner rolls back into the ring. Anderson hits a back elbow. He goes for the rolling fireman’s carry, but Gunner slides out and gets a schoolboy with a handful of tights for 2. Anderson hits a clothesline and a few elbows. Oooh! You can watch Lockdown in a movie theater! 1985 called and it wants its brand new concept back. Gunner hits a weak clothesline out of the corner before punching Anderson in the head. Workrate! Anderson gets sent face-first into the turnbuckles. Gunner grinds his shin into Anderson’s face. Anderson goes for a waistlock. Gunner reverses and turns it into a horribly botched schoolboy for 2. How in the hell do you botch a schoolboy? Anderson with a right hand to the face. They trade some blows. Gunner hits a knee to the midsection and corner whips him. Anderson sidesteps, sending Gunner shoulder-first into the post. Anderson throws him into the post once more before sending him to an adjacent corner and punching him down. Anderson goes for a foot choke and won’t break it, resulting in a DQ.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Mr. Anderson. Anderson stomps Gunner a few more times before raising his arm in a mock victory. Just hilarious.
We’ve got a dumbass wedding in a cage tonight, and a final confrontation between Roode and Storm before the PPV. A wedding in a cage between two people hardly anyone gives a tinker’s damn about? This is going to be a ratings bonanza.
Eric Young is in the locker room, checking himself out in a mirror, wearing a blue tux and Coke bottle glasses. Joseph Abyss walks in and introduces himself. Apparently, he’s an attorney, as asks Young to think about signing a pre-nup. Abyss asks where his brother Abyss has been. Young mentions something about Immortal, saying start with them. Abyss gives him his business card before telling him good luck.
The are in the ring. Chris Sabin says that, if there’s one thing he’s learned about wrestling, it’s not tMotor City Machine Gunshe size of the man that matters, but the size of his heart. Injuries have plagued the Guns, but that’s over with, and they’re looking towards the future, that being Samoa Joe and Magnus. Alex Shelley says they’ve been teaming for 6 years while Joe and Magnus have been teaming for 6 months. Joe and Magnus beat the “dynamic duo” of Crimson and Matt Morgan for the titles, two guys whose best maneuver was rubbing each other with baby oil before their matches. The Guns have competed all over the world, and they’ve beaten Beer Money and Team 3-D multiple times. At the PPV, the champs aren’t wrestling Curry Man and Shark Boy; they’re wrestling one of the best teams in the world, and that team will take the titles this Sunday.
The champs make their way out. Mike Tenay calls them “the team of the moment”, which is actually pretty insulting when you think about. Good job, “Professor”. Magnus calls the Guns one of the most impressive teams ever, and says Sabin has guts and his respect for coming back from such a serious injury. It’s not about the best team ever; it’s about the best team today, and the Guns are looking at them. At Lockdown, the two best teams on the planet will see who is the best of the best and who really deserves to be the champions. The Guns look ready, and the champs are always ready. If they don’t want to wait, they can do it right now.
Just as the two teams are about to brawl, we’re interrupted by Mexican America. Anarquia has a microphone. Someone rip his throat out now. He says that they were champions for six months, and are left out of the equation. They only have one thing left to say. They go to attack the other two teams, but both teams beat the hell out of Anarquia. Jesus, that man is worthless. Where in the name of Davey Crockett’s sweat-stained buckskins did TNA find Anarquia anyway? You’re welcome, Angry Beavers fans.
MATCH 2-Lethal Lockdown Best-of-3 Series, Part 2: Christopher Daniels vs. World X-Division Champion Austin Aries (non-title)
Garett Bischoff choosing Austin Aries for his team still doesn’t redeem his dumbass-ness, no matter how great Aries is. Lock up turns into a headlock by Aries to start. Daniels reverses into an arm wringer. Aries flips out of it and goes back to the headlock. Daniels tries for a back suplex, but Aries flips out of it and goes back to the headlock. Daniels backs Aries into the corner and hits a few shoulder thrusts before going for his own headlock. Daniels with a punch, but he runs into an armdrag from Aries. Low dropkick by Aries before he does a corner taunt. Jumping back elbow in the corner by Aries. Aries goes up top off another elbow, but Daniels hits the ropes, crotching him. An uppercut by Daniels sends Aries to the mat. Daniels with a hard corner whip, sending Aries back down to the mat. Suplex by Daniels gets 1. Daniels locks in a cobra clutch, which he turns into a backbreaker submission. Aries knees his way out, but Daniels stays on offense and pitches Aries to the floor. Daniels tries a split-legged moonsault to the floor, but Aries moves out of the way, gets in the ring and hits a suicide dive. Aries gets Daniels on the apron and slams him into the turnbuckles. Aries gets back in the ring and hits a rolling elbow. Handspring elbow drop gets 2. Aries goes for the brainbuster, but Daniels backs him into the corner. Daniels charges in, but Aries gets his legs up and turns the move into a sunset flip for 2. Daniels with a roll-up for 2. He’s got the trunks, but the referee sees it. Aries reverses and tries the same thing, but the referee also sees that. Daniels gets back up and hits a standing uranage. He goes up top for the BME, but Aries rolls out of the way. Daniels lands on his feet. Aries gets his feet up on a corner charge, goes up top and hits a missile dropkick. Corner dropkick by Aries, and he follows up with a vicious brainbuster for 3.
WINNER: Austin Aries. Aries has now tied the series 1-1. You know, if TNA could put on matches like this on a regular basis, and give us characters like Daniels and Aries that we actually care about, they might be a viable promotion. But no, that would take away too much attention from the Bischoff family and their friends.
We see the cage for the wedding being set up. Jeff Hardy is making his way down to the ring to talk. You know, setting up a cage for a wedding might just be on the list of the top five stupidest things this company has ever done. Hardy says this all started when Kurt Angle cost him the world title, and it’s all going to end inside a steel cage. There’s nowhere to run. This Sunday, we will make history. This Sunday, we’re going to hurt each other. It’s inevitable, and he loves it. CREATURES! Yes, that’s how he ended the promo. You know, if TNA wanted to give us nonsensical drivel, they could kept Scott Steiner on the payroll. At least his nonsense was funny.
We get a promo from James Storm, screaming at Bobby Roode. He’s flanked by the fatasses from last week. Apparently, Nashville is Storm’s town. Fatasses call Roode a candy ass and hope TNA will let them in the cage after the match. You know, William Shatner challenging Jerry Lawler to a fight on RAW was more believable than this crap.
We see Eric Young in a locker room, muttering to himself. Rosita and Sarita have on their best whore paint as they join him, wearing bathrobes and stockings. They’re telling him he hasn’t thought this through, as once he sticks the ring on ODB’s finger, it’s all over. They flash him some big’uns before he turns them down, saying he loves ODB. I’m guessing they’re trying to seduce him for some reason related to the Knockouts Tag Team titles, but it’s never specified here, rendering the segment completely useless. I know, I know. Eric Young in a useless segment? The hell, you say?
We’re back from commercials, and there’s a “minister” standing behind a camouflage podium, and the tag belts are in the ring on a table for absolutely no reason. Eric Young makes his way out. ODB makes her way out next to her own entrance music because, you know, that’s never been done before. ODB has a camouflage dress on. Wonderful. SoCal Val locks them in the cage. Why? They go through all the usual wedding crap you see in pretty much every wrestling wedding. Before the vows, we get a video the couple has prepared. It’s a stupid highlight video, showing all of the stupid crap that’s been done through this godforsaken angle, in case it wasn’t annoying enough for you the first time. Oh, great. They’ve prepared their own vows. Young’s involve him caring about her even when she farts. Farting=comedy. Something about her rubbing his feet. Tag partner in wrestling and life. Yada, yada, yada. This is an exercise in sadomasochism. ODB won’t take Young’s last name, but will take his ring music. Huh? Oh, and she’ll slap his ass, too. Buffet of “Bammm!” anytime he wants. She means coitus. Hilarious.
Before the minister can ask them if they’re ready to be married, Rosita and Sarita make their way down. They tried to show Young what a real woman is, but he ran away. Would he like to marry a skank, or have a taste of the best tag team in the division. Rosita then does a pathetic strip tease as Sarita is verbally getting an orgasm. Sarita, you do remember she’s supposed to be your cousin, right? Rosita says Young hasn’t grasped the opportunity he has. Sarita than does an even less sexy strip tease as ODB is crying. ODB says she doesn’t have what the “Latinas” have, but they don’t have what she has either. ODB takes her dress off, revealing her camouflage underwear. Who knew three women could make wearing next to nothing so unattractive? Young takes her hand, saying he knows what will make this wedding perfect. Take a wild guess what he does next? If you guessed stripping to his underwear and exposing us to his awesome bacne, congratulations. ODB then tells the minister to strip as the morons in the crowd are chanting “Take it off!” I never thought I could hate this company more than I do right now. They put the rings on each other, say their “I dos”, and they are now married. They proceed to dry-hump in the ring.
Backstage, we see Ric Flair yelling at Bully Ray, saying they need a win from him. Hulkamania has to end. And…that’s pretty much it.
Wow. Outside of Anthrax, the Rockstar Mayhem Festival looks worse than ever this year.
We see Bobby Roode in the back, flanked by his “security”. He has no problem with one last face-to-face with James Storm tonight. This isn’t just business; it’s personal now, and he has no problem with personal.
MATCH 3-Lethal Lockdown Best-of-3 Series, Part 3: Bully Ray (w/Eric Bischoff, Ric Flair and Team Eric) vs. AJ Styles (w/Team Garett)
Looks like Garett himself is the final member of his team. Because he deserves to main event the biggest PPV of the year. Styles goes for a lock-up, but Ray immediately goes between the ropes. They finally lock up after about a minute, with Ray backing Styles into a corner. Ray misses a punch, allowing Styles to fire one off. Ray gets Styles in a waistlock. He gets Styles in the corner again, and they do the same sequence they just did. Styles with a kick to the ribs and a side headlock. Ray counters into a back suplex. A punch by Ray, followed by an elbow to the back of the head. Criss-cross segment, ending in a dropkick by Styles. Styles tries to clothesline Ray over the top rope, but can’t do it. Ray back drops Styles on a second attempt, but Styles lands on his feet on the apron. Ray boots him in the face, sending him to the floor. Ray pulls him back up and hip tosses him into the ring. Ray with a bearhug. Styles eventually breaks free, but runs into a back body drop. Ray tries for a splash off the ropes, but Styles rolls out of the way. Styles gets back up, and they trade several blows. Styles takes Ray down with a clothesline off the ropes, followed by a jumping corner clothesline. Styles tries for a tornado DDT, but Ray throws him off before catching him in a Samoan drop for 2. Ray goes to the middle rope. Styles quickly kips up and hits a super hurricanrana for 2. I love how Tenay said “You don’t see this very often” when Ray climbed to the middle turnbuckle, despite the fact he’s been doing it in nearly every match for the better part of 20 years. Styles bounces off the ropes, but Kazarian trips him up. This leads to a brawl between the two teams. Back in the ring, Styles hits the Pele, but only gets 2. Behind the referee’s back, Eric Bischoff throws the chain wallet to Ray. Styles comes off the ropes with the Superman, but Ray decks him with the chain. The ref turns around just in time to count the 3.
WINNER: Bully Ray. As Team Eric is celebrating, Hulk Hogan’s music hits. He makes his way to the top of the ramp and stops to congratulate Eric on the victory. However, he’s got some news for Eric. The match will now be 5 on 5 instead of 4 on 4. Hogan is going to give Eric about 3 minutes to tell him who the fifth member of Team Eric is. Hey, that’s just about enough time to get through a commercial break! What a coincidence!
Back from the break, Team Garett and Hogan are in the ring. Eric’s time is up. Flair is trying to get in the ring, but Daniels is holding him back. Eric says he knows Flair could do the job, as he also knows Hogan is the 5th member. He has a favor to ask of Flair-let Eric be the 5th man and the rest of the team do the job, so he can stand over Hogan when they finish him off. Hogan says he hates to disappoint, but he’s taking the GM position really seriously, so he won’t be in the match. He told Garett a few days ago he was going to change the number of men in the match, and Garett has an idea of who the 5th man for Team Garett is going to be. As the crowd chants “We want Sting”, Garett instead announces the 5th man is Rob Van Dam. Well, at least it was better than Nick Hogan or David Flair, who I could have easily seen TNA going with because they’re morons. I guess Nick was busy turning another close friend into a vegetable that day.
In case you haven’t figured out that you’re supposed to care about Storm/Roode at Lockdown after the countless video packages for the match, we’re treated to yet another one. The best part? TNA censors the word “ass” like it’s the most vile word on the planet, yet are perfectly fine with James Storm using the word “bullsh*t” with no censorship in this video.
MATCH 4: Knockouts Champion Gail Kim and Madison Rayne vs. Mickie James and Velvet Sky
The two ponies start things off as Rayne and James lock up. James cartwheels out, but gets knocked down. James hits a dropkick before taking a boot to the head. Kim tags in and runs into a flapjack. Sky tags in, but Kim runs back to her corner to tag Rayne back in. Rayne schoolgirls her for 2. Sky hits some chops to the chest and a snapmare as James makes the blind tag. James hits a low dropkick for 2 off the snapmare. Kim clubs her from behind, allowing Rayne to get 2. Kim tags back in and hits some European uppercuts. Jumping clothesline off the ropes gets 2. Rayne back in, and they hit a double corner whip. Kim whips Rayne into James in the corner, which connects. However, when Rayne does it to Kim, James moves out of the way, sending Kim into the ring post and to the floor. Sky tags in, and somehow, Kim falling to the floor made her the legal woman for her team. Sky whips her down after she gets back in the ring. Back elbow and shoulderblock by Sky. Sky has been watching Kelly Kelly too much, as she hits a screaming headscissors. Sky hits a bulldog for 2, but the pin is broken up by Rayne. Sky hits a weak DDT on Rayne. Kim tries to run, but James throws her back in the ring. Sky goes for In Yo Face, but Kim shoves her off. Kim tries for Eat Defeat, but Sky counters into In Yo Face for 3.
WINNERS: Mickie James and Velvet Sky.
The Storm/Roode confrontation is next, because this show needed more talking tonight.
Storm makes his way out, wearing a white jacket with a huge glittery cross on the back. It’s a sweet look. Roode makes his way out, surrounded by his “security”. These are totally not local indy wrestlers and are instead legitimate security guys. I’m sure of it. Storm says that, over the last couple weeks, they’ve done a lot of yelling at each other. What happened to the days when we could just talk? He tells a story about them discussing how it would be cool if one of them won the World title one day. Together, they were 4-time World Tag Team Champions, and the longest reigning champions in the history of the company. They traveled the world, entertained millions (?), kicked a lot of butt and drank a lot of beer. Roode won’t pretend Beer Money never existed. They had a lot of success and were one of the greatest teams in the business. Being a part of it was not only one of the proudest moments in his career, but in his life. Pointless “You sold out” chant. He recalls last year, when they both put their names into the BFG series, and they did pretty good. Both ended up in the final four, with Storm facing Bully Ray and Roode facing Gunner. Roode beat Gunner, with Storm losing to Ray. Roode beat Ray later that night, sending him to Bound For Glory against Kurt Angle for the World title. Meanwhile, Storm sat in the back, twiddled his thumbs, drank beer and did nothing. Storm remembers doing something, and that was watching the monitor, watching Roode get beat by Angle. Does Roode remember the next week? He beat Angle in record time. For some reason, they’re not mentioning Angle’s name. Roode does remember it, and he remembers Storm’s reign was so short. Two weeks later, he beat Roode for the belt in Macon, GA. That night, Roode became the “IT Factor” and the leader of “The Selfish Generation”. Storm remembers it, because Roode hit him with a beer bottle, destroyed the team’s legacy, and destroyed a friendship. Roode tells him to cut the bullsh*t (censored this time. Figure that out). They were never friends. 10 years ago when they met, they hated each other. They became a team for the chance at success, nothing else. They hated each other, and the stories from the road were all B.S. From day one, Storm has been jealous of Roode. Where Storm comes from, family and friends still mean something. You don’t sell your friends out for money, and that’s what Roode did. Storm does this for the love of the sport and the fans. Storms superkick leg is getting tired from this trip down memory lane, so let’s skip history class. In three days, they step in the cage and beat the hell out of each other, in Nashville, Storm’s home. Roode doesn’t give a damn about all of that, especially Storm’s hillbilly life and redneck kids. Storm walks around like a big shot, like some big star. Storm says Roode will need a miracle to crawl out of the cage. Roode is sick of hearing “Sorry about your damn luck”. Storm will need all the luck he can get at Lockdown. And, considering his history with his two dead brothers and dead fathers, he has no luck. They go nose-to-nose as the show goes off the air.
End of show.
Roode’s half of the closing promo was good. Aries/Daniels was awesome. Everything else was like someone twisted your head off and spiked it on the floor of a nightmare you can’t even imagine (RIP Chris Farley).
Welcome to the 4-5-12 edition of Impact Wrestling. We get an video recap from last week, where Hulk Hogan became the new general manager of the company…again.
In the Impact Zone, we see Dixie Carter and Sting in the ring, with the roster surrounding the outside. Carter has asked everyone to out here to help her introduce Hulk Hogan. This is beyond unnecessary. Hogan gives some fans the “Kliq” high-five on the way to the ring, a move he has no business doing since he was never a member. Carter hands the mic over to Hogan. He says it’s nice to be the general manager on Impact, brother. He has to thank the Stinger, brother, because there’s no way he could step into this ring without Sting watching his back, brother. And Dixie, thank you for the second chance. There’s a lot of business to be taken care of. Impact is on a fast track, and the wheels are coming off the train. A lot of new things are going to be happening. Right now, the business at hand is Lockdown, so he’s going to take care of some Lockdown business, brother. He makes a match between Crimson and Matt Morgan for the PPV, saying this business will officially end there. He turns his attention to Gail Kim. He can’t figure out who the #1 contender is, or who should be in the ring with her. Tonight, we’re going to have a “Knockouts Championship Challenge” to determine who faces her at Lockdown. Moving forward, he needs to talk some things out with Eric Bischoff right now. Ric Flair pipes in and tells Hogan that Bischoff is not here right now, and Hogan can’t tell anyone what to do. They argue for a minute about Bischoff being here later, until Bobby Roode and a bunch of guys in suits make their way onto the stage. Hogan accuses him of being late, but according to Roode’s watch, he’s right on-time. Roode does what he wants when he wants, and if Hogan is wondering how Roode handles him being in charge, he should just ask the former GM about what happens when he gets pushed around by authority figures. There is nothing and nobody that will stop him from being the most dominant World Champion in the history of this company, including Hogan, and if Hogan doesn’t believe him, just ask Dixie Carter. His only obligation going forward is his match with James Storm at the PPV, where he will retain his title. Until then, the champ’s out of here.
Hogan tells him to hold on, “Mr. Late Bobby Roode Impact Champion”. Yeah. Things are changing around here. Hogan calls Mr. Anderson into the ring. Everyone here wanted Mr. Anderson, and the fans want to see Roode face Anderson in the main event. Hogan just basically called everyone in the company and all of the fans stupid with that remark. And he’s pretty much right. Hogan turns his attention to Kurt Angle. Hogan says Angle won’t wrestle Jeff Hardy at Lockdown; instead, Hardy will wrestle Angle tonight, and it will happen right now.
MATCH 1: Kurt Angle vs. Jeff Hardy
Tie-up to start, and Angle backs Hardy into a corner. Hardy gets a clean break before going into the tie-up again. Hardy goes into a side headlock. Angle throws him off. Hardy shoulders him down a couple of times before hitting an armdrag into an armbar. Angle’s right quad is taped up, BTW. Angle tries to reverse the hold, but Hardy hangs on. Hardy with another armdrag off the ropes, right back into the armbar. Angle gets back up and backs Hardy into the corner before raking the eyes. Angle’s looking pudgy and scrawny at the same time. How is that possible? Hardy blocks a corner whip by holding onto the top turnbuckle and landing a headscissors before dropkicking Angle to the floor. He slams Angle into the guardrail, and Angle appears to be bleeding from the side of his head. Hardy slams Angle’s head into the steps before throwing him back in. Angle kicks Hardy as he tries to get back in the ring, sending Hardy to the floor. A bunch of blood now appears to be pouring out of the top of Angle’s head. Back in the ring, Angle hits a snap suplex for 2 before going into a rear chinlock. Not sure at all how Angle got split open. Commercial time.
Prototype 2 looks badass. I think I was one of the only people who really enjoyed the first one.
Back from the break, Hardy gets an elbow up on a corner charge, and follows with the Whisper in the Wind. Hardy barely connected with Angle on that move. Hardy ducks a clothesline, hits one of his own, a back elbow and another clothesline. Flying forearm off the ropes by Hardy. He sets up the Twist, but Angle shoves him off and hits the Dead Guy German suplexes. Angle goes for the pin, but only gets 2. Angle sets up the Angle Slam, but Hardy slides out and hits a sit-out Twist of Fate. He goes up for the Swanton, but Angle runs up to the turnbuckle and hits a belly-to-belly superplex for 2. Angle locks in the “patented” ankle lock. Sorry, but I have to say Jack Swagger puts it on better. Hardy eventually rolls through and kicks Angle off before nailing a reverse enziguri. Hardy goes up one more time, but Angle grabs referee Brian Hebner. Angle pushes Hebner away and tries to hit a low blow, but Hardy catches his hand and drops him with a few punches. Hardy goes for the Twist again, but Angle shoves him off and slides to the floor. Angle decides he’s had enough and begins heading up the ramp, resulting in a count-out.
WINNER VIA COUNT-OUT: Jeff Hardy. Guess the match is still happening at Lockdown now.
Hogan is in the back, applauding as Angle walks by. Hogan says matches aren’t happening like that, and he’s putting Angle in a cage with Hardy at Lockdown, and “It’s true, it’s really true, brother.” I think Hogan forgot what Angle’s catchphrase was. Angle begins to throw a fit.
We see Ric Flair in an office. He’s got Eric Bischoff on speakerphone. Flair wants to know where Bischoff is, and he’s got to get to the building right away. Hogan’s doing some stuff he and Bischoff need to address right away. Bischoff says, “I’m on my way.” I hope that, for Flair’s sake, Bischoff wasn’t watching Wheel of Fortune while he said that. Fans of The Simpsons will understand the reference.
Anonymous Interviewer is talking to Bully Ray. Ray tells him to call him “CALVES-ZILLA”, all in caps, and right now, that is trending worldwide on Twitter, even though he doesn’t even have a Twitter account. Anonymous Interviewer asks him to predict Roode/Storm at Lockdown. Ray predicts he will be the next World Champion instead. Right now, he’s going to the ring to take care of a “smaller problem”, and that is Austin Aries.
Back from the break, Bully Ray is in the ring. I’m not referring to him by his nickname at all anymore, unless it’s as part of a quote (and even then, it’s begrudgingly). He asks the crowd if they know who he is. Ray is confused as to why a small, little boy like Austin Aries would want to piss off a big, bad man like him. Ray has eaten chicken wings and taken craps bigger than Aries. Gotta love how TNA is playing the size card once again, the same way they did when Eric Bischoff was in charge on TV and completely buried the X-Division in several promos. Austin Aries makes his way out. Aries tells the crowd to be quiet before popping Ray in the head with the microphone and beating Ray down in the corner with punches. Aries goes up for some mounted punches, but Ray grabs him by the pants and hits a hoisted falling powerbomb. Ray grabs the X-Division title before asking Aries if he knows who Ray is. He then drops the belt on Aries before leaving the ring. Is that his new catchphrase? If so, it really sucks ass.
Earlier today, we see “Joseph Park” hanging around in the catering area. He tells the caterer that he’s looking for his brother Abyss. The caterer doesn’t know anything, so Abyss hands him his business card. I’m sorry, I meant Joseph Park.
Up next, a six-way Knockouts match to determine a new #1 contender.
Anonymous Interviewer asks AJ Styles who will win between Roode/Storm at the PPV. Styles says Storm has the edge, especially with his Last Call. Whether intentional or not, Storm is becoming a one-move wrestler in this company. Storm walks in and thanks Styles for the kind words, and that he also has a match tonight. Storm challenges Styles to a match to help get him ready for the PPV. Styles agrees and warns him he’s a lot quicker than Roode. They then make some stupid comments about the Last Call again.
MATCH 2-Knockouts Championship Challenge: Mickie James vs. Winter vs. Tara vs. Angelina Love vs. Madison Rayne vs. Velvet Sky
Didn’t know there was a Parts Unknown in England. Also, Angelina Love’s new entrance “video” is actually Velvet Sky’s old “Holler/Hollering” video, only her name is in the graphic instead of Sky’s. I’ve heard of recycling entrance themes, but graphics/videos? That’s a new level of cheapness. Looks like this will have tag rules. Winter and Tara start. Tara with a top wristlock, which Winter reverses after biting the hand. Tara fires off some punches and a pair of clotheslines, followed by a bodyslam and a standing moonsault for 2 as the rest of the Knockouts come in to break up the fall. Guess this is one-fall to a finish. Would have been nice if that had been said at the beginning. Love tags in now, and Winter decides to tag in James instead of fighting. Love and James lock up, and then decide to break it. The lock up again, with Love turning it into a side headlock and a hip throw. James reverses into a headscissors. Love gets back up and goes to the headlock again. James manages to escape and get one of her own before knocking Love down with a shoulderblock and a dropkick. Love kicks her away off the ropes before tripping her, sending her throat-first into the middle rope. James ducks a clothesline and hits a neckbreaker for 2 as Rayne breaks up the count. Love with a knee lift and a sidewalk slam for 2. Tara breaks it up this time. James comes back with a trio of uppercuts. Sky tags in and hits a seated dropkick on Love after a snapmare by James. Sky and Love are legal now. Sky clotheslines Love down, hits a back elbow and a shoulderblock. Love elbows her in the gut and hits a front powerslam for 2. Love tags Rayne in, and Tara tags herself in off Sky behind Rayne’s back. Tara shoves Rayne into Love. Tara hits a clothesline and a Spider’s Web for 2 as Winter breaks up the pin. Rayne thumbs Tara in the eye. Sky tags herself in off Tara, so Rayne tags in James. As James starts to come in, Rayne boots her to the floor. Sky stupidly tries to roll Rayne up for the pin even though she’s not legal. Rayne rolls through and knocks Sky back down. Rayne hits the Rayne Drop on Sky. Love comes in and hits a really awful double-knee backbreaker on Rayne. Tara comes in and hits the Widow’s Peak on Love. Winter comes in and hits a swinging backbreaker on Tara. James recovers and hits the standing tornado DDT on Winter. Sky comes in and hits In Yo Face on James, scoring the 3.
WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: Velvet Sky. Well, that certainly was a mess.
In the locker rooms, Anonymous Interviewer wants to know Mr. Anderson’s prediction on Storm/Roode. Anderson predicts the same thing will happen at Lockdown that will happen tonight when Anderson beats Roode. Roode walks in with his entourage, telling Anderson the security guys aren’t for him; they’re for Anderson. He gives Anderson a chance to walk away before he gets hurt. Anderson challenges him to a fight right now. Roode stands behind his security staff. Anderson says he understands Roode doesn’t want to do it back here, so let’s “wait to do it out there, for the whole freakin’ world to see!” Because, you know, nobody is watching this happening right now. It’s not like it’s being taped or anything. Anderson then says something stupid to the security guys.
Storm/Styles is up next.
I don’t even like The Three Stooges, but I can guarantee that everyone who was ever involved with that show are rolling over in their graves right now, now that this awful movie is set to be leashed upon us.
We see some TNA stars on the red carpet for the American Country Music Awards. Why is Kiss at this show in full makeup?
Last night, Eric Young had his bachelor party. He tells everyone what happens here, stays here. He’s sitting around with three guys on laptops and a bunch of candy. Why is Young’s beard always wet? They’re doing a fantasy baseball draft. ODB walks in and says this isn’t a party. She has some guys bring in cigars, chicken wings and beer. She then kicks all the guys out. ODB tries to look up porn on the computer. ODB says that, when they get married, every night in their house will be a bachelor party before shoving his face in her jugs.
Before we get to the next match, I’d like to throw in a cheap plug here (hey, if Justin Henry can do it, I can, too). In addition to CCB, I’m now writing for FitnessInked.com, a site that focuses on both fitness/bodybuilding and body art. Feel free to check it out. Comments/suggestions are always welcome, too.
MATCH 3: James Storm vs. AJ Styles
Why is Styles wrestling in a pair of gloves? Storm goes into a waistlock. Styles reverses. Storm reverses into a hammerlock. Styles escapes, but Storm quickly snapmares him and tries for the Last Call. Styles sees it coming and slides away. Storm goes into a side headlock. Styles throws him off. Criss-cross sequence ends with a shot to the gut by Styles. Styles goes back to the waistlock. Storm elbows his way out, but runs right into a dropkick by Styles, sending him to the floor. Styles goes for a slingshot plancha, but Storm rolls back into the ring, and Styles lands on his feet on the apron. Styles gets back in the ring and tries a kick, but Storm catches the boot, trips Styles and goes into a side headlock. Styles gets back up and reverses into a hammerlock. Chop to the chest by Styles. One by Storm. Storm comes off the ropes and runs right into a backbreaker by Styles (Mike Tenay: …”he catches him backbreaker-style”. No, he doesn’t catch him ‘backbreaker-style’; he catches him in a f**king backbreaker!) for 2. Styles hits a bodyslam and a jumping knee drop. Styles goes into a rear chinlock. Crowd’s way more into Styles here than Storm. Well, the couple of handfuls of fans that are making any noise, anyway. Storm looks for the Last Call again, but Styles sidesteps it and sends Storm sternum-first into the turnbuckle. He goes for a corner whip, but Storm reverses, slides out to the apron and hits a Ghetto Blaster. Storm goes up top, but Styles catches him with a Ghetto Blaster of his own. Styles climbs the ropes and looks for a superplex, but Storm slides out and hits the Eye of the Storm. Storm goes for Closing Time, but Styles blocks and turns it into a figure-4. Styles releases the hold and goes for a single-leg Boston crab. Storm slides out and goes for a clothesline, but Styles ducks and lands the Pele. Storm collapses in the corner. He ducks an avalanche by Styles. Styles misses an Asai moonsault and lands on his feet, but Storm lands the Last Call a moment later, getting the 3.
WINNER: James Storm. They shake hands after the match as Taz calls Styles a “former Grand Champ Champion”. Storm grabs a mic and says that, next week, he wants Bobby Roode in the ring to look him in the eye one last time before kicking his teeth down his throat. Insert stupid catchphrase here.
Hogan and Sting are in the back. Hogan needs Sting to go home and get healthy, as he needs Sting to be 100% to help him. Sting says it’s not easy, as he wants to be better, but the doctors won’t clear him to wrestle. Hogan tells Sting he might get better faster than he thinks, because Hogan “might put on a nurse’s uniform and nurse you back to health myself.” Does Hogan think about anything he says before he says it anymore? Hogan says he’s got this for now, but they’ll be in touch. Sting tells him to call him if he needs him at any point.
Up next, Mexican America faces the returning Motor City Machine Guns.
In the locker room, two fatasses are celebrating with James Storm. Anonymous Interviewer asks fatasses if they’re having a good time. They ramble on about something. Bobby Roode introduces himself to us. He reminisces about breaking a bottle over Storm’s head to win the belt. Storm then spits water in one of their faces. Apparently, they’re some country band called Montgomery Gentry. I care.
MATCH 4: Mexican America (Anarquia and Hernandez, w/Rosita and Sarita) vs. The Motor City Machine Guns (Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley)
Good to see Sabin back. Always been a fan. Having said that, how is it that MCMG, one of the best tag teams in the world, only has one World Tag Team title reign to their names? There is no logic to that. Shelley and Anarquia start off. Anarquia shoves Shelley. Shelley slaps him, backs him into the corner and stomps him down. Shelley tags Sabin in, who hits a middle rope axe handle. Shelley with an arm wringer. Anarquia punches him and tags in Hernandez. Sabin kicks him in the gut and locks in a version of the Iron Octopus before trying to turn it into a sunset flip. Hernandez doesn’t budge, though, and picks Sabin up by the throat. Sabin chops him in the chest and hits a bulldog for 2. I hate Mike Tenay’s useless commentary so much. Shelley tags in, and they hit a series of strikes on Hernandez in the corner. Shelley tries for a tornado DDT, but Hernandez throws him off before hitting a version of the Pounce. Anarquia is back in. He whips Hernandez into the corner for an avalanche, which connects. Hernandez tries to launch Anarquia overhead into the corner, but Shelley moves out of the way, sending Anarquia into the turnbuckle. Shelley hits a step-up enziguri on Hernandez. Sabin tags in, knocks Anarquia down with a clothesline before dropkicking Hernandez off the apron. Elbow in the corner by Sabin on Anarquia before hooking him in the tree of woe and hitting a dropkick. He picks Anarquia up for the Cradle Shock, but Hernandez comes in and sets up for the Border Toss. Shelley manages to pull Sabin out of the move. Hernandez charges at Sabin, but Sabin low bridges, sending Hernandez to the floor. The Guns hit a pair of boots on Anarquia in the corner before Sabin lands a suicide dive on Hernandez. Back in the ring, the Guns hit a spike neckbreaker off the top rope on Anarquia, which is enough to get the 3 for Sabin.
WINNERS: The Motor City Machine Guns. How in the hell does Anarquia still have a job? After the match, Chris Sabin gets on the mic and says they want one thing, the TNA Tag Team titles.
Ric Flair is in the parking lot. He approaches a black SUV, which is apparently Eric Bischoff’s. Bischoff gets out as Flair tells him what’s going on with Hogan. Bischoff asks if Hogan knows if Flair is a 2-time hall of famer, or if he knows who Bischoff is. Flair tells Bischoff not to screw things up. Bischoff says that won’t happen, because he’s the psychological ninja. Tonight, he’ll put Hogan in a tiny box he can’t ever get out of. Yeah, okay.
The Raid: Redemption looks approximately 85 different kinds of badass.
Back from the break, Hogan is already in the ring. He says this place is alive, and the action is going crazy, even in the back. Everyone is ready for Lockdown. As Hogan is taking care of business, the man who was supposed to be here earlier tonight has finally shown up. Mr. Eric Bischoff, please come down here, brother. Bischoff says it’s ironic they’ve come to this point, opposite ends of the spectrum. Who would have thought that, looking back on their careers, someone would come up and say that, in 2012, they’d be facing each other on opposite sides of the fence? Not Bischoff. But now that he thinks about it, it makes sense. The differences between them are too numerous to mention. The biggest difference is Hogan isn’t a leader. People won’t follow him into battle, and he has no vision. He’s an opportunist, where Bischoff is a true leader of men with vision, power and the intestinal fortitude. Hogan calls him the leader of blowing hot air into the Impact Zone. Since Bischoff is such a great leader, Hogan is taking care of all Lockdown business today. So, instead of Gunner/Garett Bischoff in a cage at the PPV, Eric will lead a team, and Garett will lead another. This will make sure all of the business gets taken care of at Lockdown. As GM, Hogan is going to lay it out like this: if Eric’s team wins, Garett is gone from the roster. If Garett’s team wins, Eric is gone from the company, and he’ll never use the Eric Bischoff name again. Not sure how that’s even remotely legal. Eric agrees to the match. So, Garett Bischoff goes from being a loser of a referee to a loser of a wrestler main eventing the biggest PPV on the TNA calendar in less than a year? No, there’s no nepotism at work in this company. No, sir. Eric, you are no longer relevant and your son sucks at everything he does. Time for your family to move on from wrestling and spare us all.
Anderson/Roode is up next.
In case you haven’t had enough Roode/Storm video packages over the last few weeks, we get yet another one. This one features a bunch “candid, totally unscripted” comments from Storm’s family.
MATCH 5: Mr. Anderson vs. Bobby Roode
There are few wrestlers that I would legitimately wish bodily harm on. Anderson is in that exclusive group. Roode comes out with his entourage, but referee Earl Hebner forces them all to stay in the back. This allows Anderson to attack Roode from behind. Anderson punches Roode around the ring before slamming him into the guardrail. He throws Roode in the ring, and the match has officially started. Anderson with a couple more punches and a clothesline out of the corner. Roode comes back with a back elbow and some stomps. Suplex by Roode, and a jumping knee follows for a 2. Tenay informs us that Hogan has pissed me off even more by announcing a best-of-3 series between Team Eric and Team Garett over the next couple weeks. The winner of the series gets the advantage in Lethal Lockdown at the PPV. As Tom Servo would say, well whoopty sh*t. Anyway, back to the match. Roode whips Anderson into the corners a few times for another 2. Roode paintbrushes Anderson across the head a few times. They trade a few punches. Anderson hits a clothesline, a back elbow, another clothesline and a back body drop for 2. Anderson picks Roode up in a fireman’s carry. Roode slides out and tries for the Payoff, but Anderson slides out. He tries for a swinging neckbreaker, but Roode shoves him off into Hebner, knocking Hebner out. Anderson picks Roode up on the shoulders and hits a rolling fireman’s carry slam, but there’s no ref to count the pin. As Anderson is trying to revive Hebner, Roode slides out to the floor and grabs a beer from a “fan”. Anderson throws him in the ring, and doesn’t see the beer. Roode cracks it over Anderson’s head, revives Hebner, and gets the 3.
WINNER: Bobby Roode. Anderson’s been split open. Good. Add this to spitting on Dixie Carter to the list of things I like about Bobby Roode. James Storm comes out, with Hulk Hogan limping behind him. Storm flees the area before Storm can do anything. Hogan gets on the mic and reverses the decision. Like it matters.
Welcome to the 3-29-12 edition of Impact Wrestling. Last week, we ended on a “cliffhanger”, that being Hogan as the new GM of Impact. Would he take the job? Would he turn it down? Does anyone in their right mind give a flying f*** at a rolling donut? We will answer at least one of these questions tonight (the answer is “no”), oh, and there might be some wrestling as well.
We get a video package for the Dixie/Hogan/Sting fiasco from last week. Dixie Carter is horrifying in HD. Speaking of Ditsy, she’s in the back, telling Anonymous Interviewer that she expects a decision from Hogan tonight, and we’ll see what happens.
In the Impact Zone, Bobby Roode is making his way to the ring, flanked by “police officers”. Love the rental costumes, boys. For everyone that has contacted Impact Wrestling, stating that they want Roode fired, he has a message for each of them-“You can all kiss my World Championship ass.” Without him, this company is absolutely nothing. At Victory Road, he accomplished exactly what he set out to do, and that was physically and mentally beat Sting down. Not only did he win the fight, but last Thursday night, when Sting stepped down as the GM, that meant Roode won the war as well. He is a better man, a better wrestler and a better champion than Sting ever was. And Dixie Carter, you want to stick your nose in the champ’s business? You got yours. Keep your nose out of his business, because nothing and no one will stop him. What you need to know now, his lawyer stated last week that he doesn’t even have to be here. His only obligation to the company is at Lockdown in his match with James Storm. As far as he’s concerned, Impact Wrestling has become a hostile work environment, hence some of “Orlando’s finest”. The police are here for Storm’s safety. Last week, Storm called the champ out and wanted a fight. The last thing Storm wants is to fight Roode, and he knows that Roode is better than him in every way possible. Storm wants to run his mouth, but when you’re as great as Roode, you don’t need any luck.
Right on cue, James Storm’s music hits. He comes down to the ring, but the police officers have made a line between him and Roode. Storm questions Roode’s manhood, asking what kind of man lays their hands on a woman. As for the lawyer, we saw last week what happens when you send an idiot to do a man’s job. As for the mall cops, he’s not here to steal a t-shirt; he’s here to kick the living crap out of Roode. Bully Ray comes to the ring out of nowhere and knocks Storm down with a forearm. Storm sells it like a chair shot before no-selling it completely and knocking Ray out of the ring. Roode makes a hasty getaway as Storm is distracted. Storm challenges him to a fight for tonight. Storm then adds to it, asking for Roode and Ray in a handicap match. Roode and Ray agree to it before leaving the area.
Madison Rayne and Gail Kim are in their locker room. Rayne sits down and gives the cold shoulder. Kim says she knows the last month has been tough, so she got Rayne a present. Rayne opens the box, and it’s a tiara. Kim says she may be the Knockouts Champion, but Rayne will always be the queen. Rayne apparently loves it, and Kim says Rayne will beat the crap out of Velvet Sky tonight. Oh, and just so we’re clear for those not watching, this is the same exact damn crown Rayne has been wearing for the last two years.
MATCH 1: Madison Rayne vs. Velvet Sky
I think Sky had another boob job. Just saying. As Sky gets in the ring, Rayne immediately attacks her with forearms and a foot choke in the corner. Rayne botches the hell out of a jumping side kick off the ropes before choking Sky across the bottom rope. Rayne telegraphs a back body drop before Sky hits a pair of clotheslines, a pair of jawbreakers (I guess; not sure what they were, but they looked terrible), before hitting a seated dropkick for 2. Rayne immediately goes back on offense and lands a hip bump in the corner, followed by that stupid hair facebuster all women have been doing since at least the 80s. Rayne goes for the Rayne Drop, but Sky knees her off. Sky gets her feet up on a corner charge and takes Rayne down with a belly clothesline (?). Sky hits a bulldog (Tenay: “A faceplant bulldog”. Thanks, Captain Redundancy) before hitting In Yo Face for the 3.
WINNER: Velvet Sky. “In Yo Face” may be the worst finisher name in history. Christy Hemme stops Sky on the apron for an interview. Sky says Kim never gave her her rematch for the Knockouts title. She’s putting the entire division on alert, and she’s coming for Kim and the title.
In the locker room, Bully Ray is scolding Bobby Roode. He’s tired of being embarrassed by James Storm, and Roode needs to start taking things more seriously. Storm’s a thorn in their side, and they need to take him out. Roode agrees by saying “Let’s do it! Do it!” as he extends for a handshake. Ray calls him stupid before storming off.
Earlier today, we see Dixie Carter and Hulk Hogan talking on a park bench somewhere. Carter says it’s ironic she’s asking Hogan to come back to Impact after everything they’ve been through. She’s never trusted Eric Bischoff. Hogan says they had a good run, but had some bad times, too. He participated in the bad stuff, and has to stand up for what he was a part of. Carter says that him separating himself from all of that spoke volumes, and Sting believes in him. Carter needs the real Hulk Hogan. This crap is putting me to sleep. Hogan talks about making peace with everyone, but she takes exception to that because Hogan didn’t leave her at a peaceful situation. That sounded really stupid coming out of her mouth. They banter on and on about Sting. Hogan talks about stepping into a dark cloud, blaming everything on Bobby Roode. Sting is her best shot. Carter reminds him Sting won’t do it, and help me, Obi Wan Hulk Hogan; you’re my only hope. Hogan’s instinct tells him the ship has already sailed way too far, but he will think about it. Carter asks him to at least show up tonight. Hogan agrees and says he will think about the decision. Carter immediately whips her iPhone for no reason.
We get a video package for the drama between Crimson and Matt Morgan. That match is up next.
Kurt Angle is in a locker room, telling Anonymous Interviewer he won’t give Jeff Hardy a match at Lockdown because he hates crybabies. But he has an idea. If Hardy can beat Ken Anderson tonight, he’ll get his match. However, if Jeff Hardy loses, the “Kurt Angle bus is leaving the bus station for good, Betty.” I don’t have clue number one as to where the hell that came from.
Christy Hemme starts to announce the next match, but before she can do so, World X-Division Champion Austin Aries’ music hits. He makes his way down to the ring and tells us he has a problem. We might be thinking that, after his last successful title defense, there’s no competition left, and we’d be right. However, he’s got a new problem, and that is Bully Ray. Ray is kind of a prick, and had to be embarrassed that he lost to Storm in about 2 minutes at Victory Road. Ray took out his embarrassment on anyone he saw fit, and last week, it happened to be during Aries’ title match. He’s Austin Aries, the X-Division Champion, the greatest man that ever lived, Mr. Money’s Worth, and when Ray kicked him in the face, he caused himself a problem. Aries might not be the biggest guy in the world, but he has a bigger set of balls than both of Ray’s calves combined. He speaks the truth and stands up for himself. It kind of reminds him of James Storm. He respects Storm as a guy who stands up for himself. He knows Storm wants to get his hands on Roode, he wants to get his hands on Ray. So, instead of the handicap match, Aries volunteers to be James Storm’s partner and make it a tag team match.
MATCH 2: Matt Morgan vs. Crimson
I’m surprised that, with Crimson’s undefeated streak, TNA hasn’t given him an inflated number in regards to how many matches he’s won. Morgan meets Crimson on the ramp and starts laying in the blows. He throws Crimson in, allowing the match to officially start. Crimson cuts him off with some boots and a choke. Morgan blocks a kick and hits a clothesline. Morgan gets in some mounted punches. We learn Aries’ challenge for the main event has been accepted. Crimson fights back with some back elbows in the corner and a forearm to the back. Morgan counters with a corner whip and an avalanche, before clotheslining Crimson to the floor. Morgan follows, and Crimson slams him into the ring apron and the guardrail before throwing him back in for 1. Morgan gets back up and hits a few punches, but runs right into a spinebuster for 2. Crimson locks in a cravat, hits a pair of knee lifts and a swinging neckbreaker. Crimson charges at Morgan in the corner, but Morgan sidesteps him, sending Crimson shoulder-first into the post. Morgan drops him with a pair of clotheslines and a sidewalk slam. Morgan charges, but Crimson sidesteps him and sends him to the floor. Crimson follows, and they battle on the floor. Morgan chokes Crimson over the guardrail, and they continue brawling up the ramp. Crimson looks for a piledriver, but Morgan back drops him as the bell rings, signaling a double count-out.
WINNER: No contest. The brawl continues up the ramp and out the arena doors.
In the production truck, “Joseph Park” introduces himself, then talks about how amazing these guys are. He then asks if they could tell him any information about Abyss, and of course, none of them know anything. He hands them a business card and tells them to call if they find anything.
Ooh, we get the world premier of James Storm’s music video tonight, “Longnecks and Rednecks”. Rhyming “necks” with “necks”? Damn, that’s clever.
MATCH 3: Mr. Anderson vs. Jeff Hardy
You know there’s a problem any time I root for Jeff Hardy, but unfortunately, this is one of those times. Why can’t he do us all a favor and injure himself while simultaneously nearly crippling his opponent like he did to Randy Orton? That way, we’d get both of them off our televisions for at least a little while. Of course, the difference here is, instead of Anderson being fired for being a f***ing clownshoe in the ring, he’d be given a World title run upon returning. Tie-up to start, with Anderson backing Hardy into the corner. BTW, has anyone noticed that the word “ass” gets bleeped on this show on a regular basis, yet Anderson can say (and ruin) the word “assh*le” as often as he likes with zero censorship? Yet another reason to hate him. Anyway, Hardy gets in a side headlock, but Anderson reverses into one of his own. Anderson turns it into a hammerlock, which Hardy reverses into one of his own and turns it into another headlock. Hardy with a hip toss off the ropes, but Anderson comes back with a drop toe hold and goes right back to the headlock. Shoulder block by Anderson, and a criss-cross results in a kick to the ribs on Hardy. Hardy reverses a corner whip and hits an avalanche, but misses the whipping corner dropkick, allowing Anderson to score a 2. Anderson goes into a rear chinlock now. I guess this is his way of getting back at Orton? Hardy hits a forearm and a back elbow, before landing an inverted atomic drop and a double legdrop for 2. Anderson catches Hardy off the ropes and hits a front powerslam for 2. A series of elbow drops follow, and now Anderson’s looking for the Mic Check. He goes for it, but Hardy fights out and goes for a Twist of Fate. Anderson blocks and they accidentally headbutt each other, sending Hardy to the floor. As the referee checks on Anderson, Angle comes down, low blows Hardy and sends him into the ring post before throwing him back in the ring while hiding by the ring apron. Back in the ring, Anderson hits the Mic Check and gets the 3.
WINNER: Mr. Anderson.
It’s time for James Storm’s music video, and it’s beyond awful. I’m not recapping this. Even if you’re a Storm fan, this is terrible.
We see Dixie Carter arrive in the building. At the same time, Eric Bischoff has just arrived.
We see ODB and Eric Young are meeting with a wedding planner. They begin looking at dresses. Young says he wants to wear the dress. . They then look at ring bearer pillows and ties for Young. She then says she does bachelor parties as well. ODB kicks her out and says they don’t need any of this. She decides they’re getting married in the ring, inside a steel cage.
Eric Bischoff makes his way down to the ring. Apparently, he has one final challenge for his son tonight, as Mike Tenay hasn’t been able to shut up about it for the entire broadcast. Bischoff tells us he’s an amazing man, and sometimes, he even amazes himself. It’s exciting to be him, and he’ll give us an example. He has the ability to manifest change and exert his will in a company with nothing more than a contract that says he gets camera time whenever he wants it. That little bit of power allows him to do whatever he wants, and it’s like a “psychological little ninja-type thing”. He’s going to clue us into the secret of his success. Every day, he makes a checklist of everything he wants accomplished that day. For example, he wanted Sting gone as GM. Check. He then wanted Dixie Carter to find someone who couldn’t even live up to Sting’s abilities. Check. And every day, he wants to increase his personal wealth. Check. However, there is one thing he can’t get checked off his list, and he’s going to fix it right now. He’d like to invite his son to the ring in order to do that.
Garett Bischoff makes his way down to the ring. Anyone else think of Maven when they see this tool? Eric is going to give Garett the chance to live a long, happy life and put all of this behind him. If Garett doesn’t take this opportunity, he will get hurt. At Lockdown, he wants Garett to fight Gunner (for the 812th time), with no outside interference. He can avoid the match by walking away right now. Garett calls his dad a jacka** (And yes, it was bleeped. See what I meant earlier?), and says Eric can’t seem to grasp the simple concept that Garett isn’t going anywhere. Being in a cage with Gunner isn’t going to scare him, and if Eric thinks it does, he’s dumber than everyone thinks he is. Gunner better bring everything he’s got.
The main event is up next, because L. Ron Hubbard forbid Hogan/Carter doesn’t go on dead last.
American Reunion: Because the cast members need work, and Tara Reid needs money to continue fueling her addictions.
We now get a video of James Storm training for his match at Lockdown in a shack.
Hulk Hogan has just arrived in the building.
MATCH 4: Bully Ray and World Champion Bobby Roode vs. World X-Division Champion Austin Aries and James Storm
Taz just referred to Christy Hemme as “Possibly the greatest ring announcer of fire in the history of ring announcers of fire.” I don’t even know where to start with that one, so I’m just going to move on. Apparently, James Storm’s entrance theme is the only one you can download, as he’s the only guy who ever gets his theme plugged on the show. Aries and Ray start the match off. Ray yells that he has a big mouth for such a small man. Ray immediately tags out to Roode. Aries goes to tag out to Storm, but Roode cuts him off with a forearm to the back. Roode throws Aries into a corner and stomps him down before picking him back up and hitting a shoulder thrust. Aries counters a corner whip and lands a drop toe hold. Roode tries to back drop him to the floor, but Aries lands on the apron and shoulders Roode in the midsection before flipping back into the ring. Roode stops his momentum with a clothesline and a stomp to the gut. Aries backflips out of a back suplex attempt and lands a rolling elbow as we go to commercial.
Back from the break, Ray has tagged back in. Aries hits an elbow to the back and numerous strikes to the head and gut in the corner. Aries charges in, but Ray gets his boot up, dropping Aries to the mat. Ray hits an open-hand chop to the chest before hitting a jumping splash while he yells at no one in particular. Ray throws him to the corner and tags in Roode, who hits a suplex and a jumping knee drop. Roode drags Aries to the corner and stomps him down. Roode stomps Aries in the midsection before tagging Ray back in. Ray lands an elbow to the back of the head before throwing him to corner. Roode starts talking trash to Aries, but Aries elbows him off the apron, goes to the top rope and hits a missile dropkick on Ray. Beautiful dropkick, BTW. Storm tags in and hits a bunch of punches, a forearm, an inverted atomic drop and a clothesline. Another clothesline before slingshotting Roode into the ring. Ray nails Storm from behind as he’s yelling at Roode. After a few shots by Ray, Storm quickly hits Closing Time, setting up for the Last Call. Roode grabs the beer bottle and takes a swig. He goes to spit it in Storm’s face, but Storm ducks, with Ray catching a faceful of foam. That didn’t sound right. Roode, while trying to apologize to Ray, then throws Ray right in the way of the Last Call, which gets the 3 for Storm.
WINNERS: Austin Aries and James Storm. In case you’re wondering why Storm has been not only wrestling in a shirt, but in short, one-sided matches, it’s because he’s still not completely healed from some injuries he’s suffered. This of course begs the question why, since he’s being touted for such a big match at Lockdown, would TNA even bother putting him in matches in the first place? Not only do his opponents look weak by losing so quickly (he beat both Kazarian and Daniels in about 3 minutes last week, after beating Bully Ray in 2 minutes at Victory Road, for those keeping score), but it actually makes Storm look weak as it makes him look like a one-move wrestler.
Back from commercials, Dixie Carter is in the ring, and she calls Hulk Hogan to come out. “Hollywood” Chuck Hogan (kudos to the four or five of you that get that reference) limps his way down as Dixie Carter can’t seem to decide what fake face she’s supposed to be making right now. Carter says she knows taking over for Sting as GM is a big decision, for both him and her. But, last week, she told Sting that if Sting believed in Hogan, she would, too. What she failed to say is that she really does believe in Hogan, and she wants him to take the job. She needs a decision right now. Hogan thanks the fans. He made some decisions he’s not really proud of, but at the end of the day, when Bound For Glory went down, he had to make a decision. He wanted to make peace with everyone, and that was it. He closed the book on this chapter of his life. Of course, Sting makes his way out, and he’s flanked by Matt Morgan, Jeff Hardy, Devon, Mr. Anderson, Garett Bischoff, AJ Styles and James Storm. Jesus, enough! Just get to the damn point! No more glad-handing and egotistical masturbatory aids. Either say yes or no, it’s just that simple! Sting then says, “Let’s just cut to the chase.” Kind of hard to do that when you interrupt him and bring out half the roster with you, Sting. Sting says Hogan isn’t going to deny Sting, Dixie and all these people. The writing is on the wall, so what’s it going to be, yes or no? Hogan asks if they’re talking a totally clean state. Sting nods yes. Hogan needs to know something before he makes the decision. Impact Wrestling has a huge dark cloud over it right now. No matter how deep the water gets, he needs to know one thing, and that’s if Sting will watch “Hogan’s back, Jack?” Sting says yes, but he needs to know if Hogan is going to run this company like “the eye of the tiger Hulk Hogan”. Christ on a cracker, end this! Hogan, after saying “brother” approximately 812 times, finally agrees to take the job. All the wrestlers in the ring suck up to him before he asks “Whatcha gonna do?”
If you missed TNA Impact Wrestling Sacrifice 2012 you missed one of the better pay per view events in TNA history. Bobby Roode and Rob Van Dam topped off a fast paced show with one of the most exciting matches of the year.
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