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TNA Impact Wrestling Results and February 28 Recap

March 03, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Last week on Impact, Bully Ray was named the #1 contender for the World title, despite doing absolutely nothing the last few weeks to deserve a championship match. Because TNA.

We see Brooke Hogan and Buddy Ray walking into the building. AI asks for an update on Hulk Hogan, and Brooke says he’s better, and he’s resting at home. Ray basically says the exact same thing before he says that’s enough talking.

In the Impact Zone, Ray makes his way out alone. He points at Taz and calls him a coward before heading to the ring. Ray says that it’s cool to be back in the Impact Zone, but he’s also never been more pissed off in his life. Aces and Eights, for the past year, you’ve been running roughshod all over TNA. First, it was Hulk. Then it was Sting, Magnus, and just about everyone else. You ruined his wedding to Brooke. Last week should have been a huge week for TNA. We were all going to see the return of Hulk to the ring. But it didn’t happen, and that’s because of A and E. A and E, especially Devon, Ray swears to L. Ron Hubbard he is going to get his hands on you. He’s going to get his hands on you so bad (?) you’ll never want to step foot in a wrestling ring again. There is one other guy he wants to speak to, and that’s the one guy everyone here has been waiting to see for the past four weeks. He’s another guy A and E took out, and he’s the guy that he will be facing at Lockdown for the TNA World title. Ladies and gentlemen, the World Heavyweight Champion, Jeff Hardy.

Hardy comes out with both belt, because a champion needs two belts different belts that represent the same championship. Makes sense. Ray tells Hardy that, never in his wildest dreams, did he think he and Hardy would be standing across from one another, getting ready to wrestle for the most prestigious singles World title in pro wrestling. Everyone knows about their history. But he has to be completely honest, he doesn’t feel right about this. He doesn’t want to get a shot at the title just because he’s Hulk’s son-in-law. There are a lot of other guys who might have been better choices than him. Hulk set up all those matches. He said he’d make his decision based on who in those matches impressed him the most. It wasn’t Ray, and he’s not sure this is the way he wants to face Hardy. He’s not positive if he’s the right guy to face Hardy at Lockdown. Hardy says that, first of all, it’s great to be back in the Impact Zone. And he loves the fact that Hogan chose him. He would have done the same thing. They’ve swung a lot of chairs and climbed a lot of ladders. And they’ve broken a lot of tables. Now they take it to the cage for the World title. They’ve reinvented themselves, and now they’ll reinvent history. May the best man win.

As the two are shaking hands, Bad Influence interrupt things. Kaz tells Ray he shouldn’t feel good about this situation, and here’s why. He didn’t earn this title shot. He didn’t defeat anyone to get it. Your daddy-in-law gave him the shot, just like he gave Ray his daughter. He can’t blame Hogan for that, though. After all, somebody has to rub lotion on her back and tweet tasteless photos of her, so it may as well be Ray. Daniels tells him that the only person who deserve the Lockdown match less than Ray is Hardy. Last month, Daniels outwrestled him, and the only reason Hardy got his hand raised was because of the paint on his face, as Daniels had an allergic reaction to it, and Hardy knows it. Ray and Hardy are happy to wrestle at Lockdown because neither want a piece of real men like Bad Influence. If they’re done glad-handing, get out of the ring, because it’s time to allow the people to worship them. Ray rips the mic out of Daniels’ hand, drinks his martini or whatever it is, then spits it back in the cup. Oh, that’s nice. He tells Daniels that real men don’t drink appletinis, and the faces begin beating down the heels. Hardy and Ray end up sending both members over the top rope, which likely means we’ll get a tag team match later tonight. To confirm this, Ray grabs a mic and challenges them to a tag team match for later tonight.

We go to the announce desk, and Taz is no longer there as Todd Kenely and Mike Tenay discuss tonight’s episode. Tonight, we’ll also find out who will be on each side in Lethal Lockdown. Gut Check also returns, and two women will compete for a contract. Up next, Velvet Sky defends the Knockouts title against Tara.

We see Sting watching a monitor and looking at names on a list. Magnus is also in the room, and he says one of the names on Team TNA should be him. This company took a chance on a 22 year-old kid who was green as grass. He’s not that kid anymore. Sting has mentored him during that time, and that means the world to him. He wants to pay that back. He’s not just Team TNA; he’s Team Sting. Why him? Why the hell not?

Gail Kim is joining the announce desk for color commentary for this match.

MATCH 1-Knockouts Championship: Tara (w/Jesse) vs. Velvet Sky (Champion)
Tara immediately boots Sky before shouldering her in the corner. Hairmare by Tara for 2. She goes for the pin again, getting another 2. Sky blocks a corener charge, dodges a second one and hits a pair of clotheslines and a back elbow. Spinning headscissors off the ropes, and Jesse trips Sky as she starts to go to the corner. Sky ducks a clothesline and hits a spear for 2 as Jesse pulls her to the outside. Referee Taryn Terrell ejects him from ringside after seeing that as Tara kicks Sky in the back. Tara gets in Taryn’s face, and she turns around into In Yo Face by Sky for 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Velvet Sky. Tenay announces that Gail Kim now moves onto Lockdown against Sky for the title.

Austin Aries is in his locker room, on the phone with Bobby Roode. He asks where Roode is, as they have a big photo shoot. He mentions something about a 3-way tag match at Lockdown, and is interrupted by Chavo and Hernandez. Chavo tells him to be worried about his match tonight. Aries has said he can beat anyone, and Chavo challenges him to a match, but tonight, Aries is going one-on-one against Hernandez. God, Chavo sucks. It’s pretty pathetic when Hernandez has been cutting better promos than someone lately.

AI stops Kenny King asking where he goes from this point. King calls himself the X-Division, and he’s moving onto RVD next. He walks into RVD’s dressing room and wants RVD to admit King is better than him. RVD asks him how many times he has to beat him to prove he’s better. Tonight, King will get one more shot, and if he loses, he’s out of the division. King agrees to it.

Taz is back on commentary.

MATCH 2: World Tag Team Co-Champion Austin Aries vs. Hernandez
Hernandez backs Aries into the corner, and Aries slips through the ropes to get Hernandez off of him. Aries forearms him in the back before Hernandez boots him down. Crisscross ends with Hernandez blocking a hip toss, then hitting one of his own. Hernandez clotheslines him to the floor. Aries blocks Supermex then goes for a slingshot sunset flip. Hernandez pulls him up by his neck and hits a Pounce off the ropes. Aries blocks a corner attack and goes for a middle rope cross-body. Hernandez catches him and sets up a powerbomb, but Aries counters and sends Hernandez to the floor, where he is hit with a suicide dive. Aries goes to the top rope and hits a double axe handle to the back. Back in the ring, Aries hits a snapmare, stomps on the face and goes up top. He mocks Chavo and goes for a frog splash, but misses. Hernandez boots him out of the corner, backflips to outside and hits a slingshot battering ram. Warrior Press by Hernandez, and now he calls for the Border Toss. Aries escapes and hits a rolling elbow. Hernandez recovers quickly and knocks Aries to the floor with another Pounce. Aries decides he’s had enough and walks up the ramp, so Hernandez throws him back into the ring. Aries has the title belt in his hands and just gives it over to Hernandez. As the ref takes it from Hernandez, Aries pulls out a chain and clocks Hernandez with it. The ref turns around in time to count the 3.

WINNER: Austin Aries.

Sting and Joseph Park are in the back. Park is eating ribs, as he now knows what a rib is. Get it? Hilarious. Park then asks Sting to be a part of Lethal Lockdown. Sting says he’ll think about it before stopping Matt Morgan, who is walking by. Sting asks Morgan to join Team TNA at Lockdown to make a name for himself. Morgan says no because anyone who is associated with Hulk Hogan is guilty by association. Guess they’re still doing that storyline after all.

MATCH 3-World X-Division Championship: Kenny King vs. Rob Van Dam (non-title)
King gets a jobber non-entrance. Normally, that would irritate me, but his entrance theme really sucks, so that’s fine. Lock-up to start, and King goes to a side headlock. King avoids a back body drop, but runs into a pair of hip throws. RVD goes to a side headlock himself before ducking a clothesline and hitting German suplex. Nearly folded himself in half on that one. As RVD is playing to the crowd, King knocks him to the floor. He misses a corkscrew plancha, and RVD nails a side kick from the apron. RVD sets King on the guardrail and goes to the apron for the spinning legdrop, which connects. Commercials.

Back from the break, RVD hits a jawbreaker, avoids a back body drop, but gets taken down. King hits a snap suplex and floats over into some mounted punches. King goes fro a pin, getting 2. RVD fights back from his knees until King cuts him off. Corner whip by King, but he runs into a boot. RVD hits a bodyscissors into a pin for 2, nails a couple of clotheslines and a thrust kick. Rolling monkey flip, but King lands on his feet before running into a spinning heel kick. RVD connects with Rolling Thunder, and he goes up top for the Five-Star Frog Splash, but decides to go with a 450 instead and misses. King goes for a pin, but only gets 2. King goes for the Royal Flush and hits it, getting 3.

WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: Kenny King.

Sting is stopped in the back by Kurt Angle, and Angle wants to see the list of wrestlers for Lethal Lockdown. Angle is surprised by Sting’s choice of “him”, and Sting says he’s taking a chance, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Aces and Eights make their way out to the ring, and it’s the five unmasked members, minus Brisco. Devon asks Sting if he honestly believes he has a team that can take on A and E. You honestly think you have a team that can dominate this club? Sting, he doesn’t know what you’re thinking, but what he thinks is that you’re drinking the Kool-Aid Hogan has been dishing out all these years, not only to the idiots here, but all of them at home as well. He told you before that this is the team that will dominate TNA. This is the club that will dominate in 2013. This club right here-DOC, Knox, Anderson and Bischoff along with himself. All Sting is doing is giving a lot of empty dreams, broken necks and shattered dreams (?). Let him lay it to you like this: It’s going to be no different than BFG. The same thing that happened there will happen at Lockdown. The thing about that, Sting, is that you’re going to lead your team to the slaughter. Now you testify to that.

Speaking of Sting, he makes his way out onto the ramp. Devon wants him to testify? He will. His first teammate will get a killer response, and that’s because he is a killer, that being Samoa Joe. His next teammate is really sorry about their damn luck, and that’s James Storm. They inch closer to the ring as each guy is announced. Now, they are three. His next teammate is making his victorious return to the Impact Zone, and that’s Magnus. Now, they are four and just need one more, and their fifth is something new. He’s talking about someone who was put out by A and E. It will be showtime. Anderson keeps interrupting him, and Sting keeps saying it’s showtime. Eric Young hits the ring from behind, and now the two teams are brawling in the ring. Team TNA clears the ring.

Ivelisse Valez is introduced through a video package, as she is one of the Gut Check contestants tonight. If the name sounds familiar, she was on the last season of Tough Enough and is former NXT star Sofia Cortez. She talks about training in MMA, and sacrificing her relationship with her mother to pursue her wrestling career.

We see A and E storming out to the parking lot, and they’re upset about what just happened. We see Kurt Angle begin to follow them.

We are introduced to Lei’D Tapa, the other Gut Check contestant tonight. She is from Tonga, and is the real life niece of The Barbarian. We see her training with him, which is admittedly pretty cool. And he’s still physically a beast, BTW.

MATCH 3-Gut Check: Ivelisse Valez vs. Lei’D Tapa
I’m actually excited about a Gut Check match. Shocking, I know. Tapa is a big girl, and completely towers over Valez. Valez hits a forearm before she runs into a goozle. Tapa hoists her up, and Valez counters into an armdrag. Spinning back kick connects, and Valez applies a guillotine. Tapa manages to throw her off, catches her in a fireman’s carry, but Valez escapes and applies a rear naked choke. Tapa breaks free and gets hit with some kicks before dropping Valez drops her with a boot. Tapa connects with a clothesline, and actually has to crouch down a bit to do it. Bodyslam by Tapa, followed by a headbutt. Tapa sends Valez hard into the corner, then sends her into the opposite one. Valez avoids a charge and hits a DDT. More strikes by Valez, followed by a hurricanrana off the ropes. Tapa rebounds and hits a Samoan drop for 2. Valez quickly grabs her in the guillotine as Tapa is arguing with Taryn Terrell, and Tapa eventually taps.

WINNER: Ivelisse Valez. A little rougher than I was expecting, but far from the worst Gut Check match they’ve ever done. I’m betting Valez gets a contract next week. Tapa looked alright, but her inexperience (only 2 years) definitely showed.

Austin Aries enters Jeff Hardy’s locker room and makes fun of Hardy doing squats. He says he knows he has a big match tonight and one at Lockdown, and he’s pulling for Hardy. Here’s why. Right now, Ray is the “golden child”. When Aries faced Hardy, that was Hardy’s position. Doesn’t feel very good, does it? He hopes Hardy retains the title, and just wanted to tell him that.

AJ Styles update time. We get an interview with his wife Wendy, and she talks about his life. We also get some comments from a friend of his named Jay, and the whole thing is overly dramatic in the same vein as the interviews with Bobby Roode’s family/friends back when he turned heel. We see AJ enter his house to overly dramatic music, and he’s done up to look strung out, like he’s been doing some binge drinking for the past few weeks. He gets mad when he sees the camera crew and speeds off on his motorcycle.

We get a video package for the storyline involving The Robbies. Apparently, TNA thinks enough people give a damn about this potential feud. I’d like to know who these people are and hit them.

Back to the Impact Zone, Robbie E is in the ring. He says that, sometimes in life, a bro has to admit when there’s a bigger bro, and there’s a better bro. And Robbie E has come to that realization. So, Bigger Rob…er, Rob Terry, please come to the ring, bro. Terry comes down to the ring, and E says this has gotten way out of hand, bro. Slapping him in the face last week was E crossing the line. He risked them being bros, but more importantly, he risked their friendship, bro. Them being friends the past 2 years has meant the world to him, and tonight, he’ll show Terry, bro. He’s not going to be jealous anymore, and Terry is the better bro, bro. And he’s going to let Terry prove it. For old times sake, how about one more bro-off? Terry agrees, and E goes first. He then tells Terry he’s the bro-off champion, so for once, he realizes it’s Terry who deserves the spotlight. He’s going to leave the ring so Terry can give the people what they want, bro. Terry does the stupid dancing bit now, and as you would expect, E cracks him over the head with a framed poster. E holds his fist in the air, and Terry has no-sold the shot, getting up while E has his back turned. He pulls the poster off, and E falls out of the ring.

Buddy Ray is warming up in the back with dumbbells, and Aries correctly points out he’s doing it wrong. Aries then basically gives him the same speech he gave Hardy. Ray cuts him off and says it won’t work. He compliments Aries about how good he is, then tells him to get used to wearing a tag title, because that’s as close to a championship as he’s going to get.

We see Kurt Angle still outside, and he enters what appears to be the A and E clubhouse. The cameraman doesn’t follow him in.

MATCH 4: Bad Influence (Christopher Daniels and Kazarian) vs. Bully Ray and World Champion Jeff Hardy
Daniels and Ray start the match with a lock-up. Daniels hits a kneelift and a chop to the chest. Ray rebounds with a clothesline, then hits some headbutts to the chest. Open-hand chop by Ray, and he throws Daniels back to the corner for another one. Back body drop to the incoming Kaz, and Daniels hits a forearm. Kaz tags in, and Bad Influence hits a double suplex. Ray gets back up and hits a double clothesline. Double punches, followed by a double Flip, Flop & Fly. Hardy comes in to clothesline Daniels to the floor, and Ray hits a back suplex on Kaz. Commercials.

We’re back, and Hardy is now legal for his team. He whips Kaz into the ring from the apron, and the faces hit Poetry in Motion. Daniels runs into his own partner, and they go for Poetry again. Kaz trips Hardy, and Daniels sends Ray to the floor. Apparently, Daniels is now legal somehow, and he sends Hardy into the corner before stomping him down. Kaz tags in, Daniels hits a clothesline and hip tosses Kaz onto Hardy for 2. Kaz applies a double chicken wing, and Hardy fights out before being sent back to the heel corner. Daniels tags in, and Bad Influence hits a sidewalk slam/springboard legdrop combo. Daniels goes for the pin, getting 2 as Kaz knocks Ray off the apron. Hardy blocks a corner charge and hits Botch in the Wind. Ray tags in, hits a couple clotheslines and a back body drop. Hip toss for Kaz, followed by a clothesline. Uranage for Daniels gets 2. Kaz goes to the top, and Ray press slams him off. Sidewalk slam on Daniels for 2 as Kaz breaks it up. Ray sends Kaz to the floor before tagging in Hardy. Bodyslam by Ray and Hardy goes up top for the swanton. Kaz knocks him to the apron, then hotshots Ray. Daniels hits an enziguri on Ray and an STO on Hardy for 2. Kaz with some mounted punches on Ray in the corner, but Ray shoves him off and hits a mafia kick. He hoists Daniels on his shoulders, and Hardy goes up top. Ray hits an electric chair, and Hardy connects with the swanton bomb for 3.

WINNERS: Bully Ray and Jeff Hardy. That match was a clusterf*ck.

We’re back to Kurt Angle, and he’s in the clubhouse. He beats down Mr. Anderson, then takes a pipe to Devon before brawling with The Black Scorpion. Angle grabs him by the mask and cracks him over the head with what looked like a lamp. Angle takes the mask off and begins screaming, “How could you?” as the camera is angled so we can’t see BS’ face? As Angle is looking shocked, the rest of the unmasked members attack from behind and beat him down.

End of show.

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TNA Impact Wrestling Results and February 21 Recap

February 24, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

This week’s TNA Impact Wrestling is once again in London, and tonight, we get an X-Division title match, as well as 4-way for the Knockouts Championship.

Big surprise, Hulk Hogan opens the show. He’s had some tough choices to make, and it was good to have everyone in the building involved in his choice, but things didn’t pan out they way he thought they would. When he was in the decision-making process and had the #1 contender dialed in, brothers, Aces and Eights stuck their nose in TNA business once again. But, out of everything bad comes something really good, and it gave him a week to think of a #1 contender. After one long week of thinking who the man should be to take on Jeff Hardy, he decided that man stood out above everyone else and rose to the occasion and he’s the only man for the job, so now he gives us the #1 contender…Buddy Ray.

Buddy Ray comes out, and he’s pretending to be shocked. So much for all of those matches last week, huh? Ray comes out stuttering. He is in shock right now, and reminds Hogan he’s hurt, partially tearing his quad in the tables match a couple weeks ago. Hogan calls him the toughest SOB in the company. Ray reminds us of everyone who was fighting last week, saying they deserve it more than he does. All he’s ever wanted was Hogan’s respect, and the greatest day of his life was when he married Brooke. He wants to make the Hogan family happy, and he wants to become the World Champion. But Hulk, we have bigger business right now. This is just a suggestion-tonight, in the main event, a six-man tag team match. One side, three members of A and E. On the other, Buddy Ray, Sting, and let’s see…we need one more guy. You know something, Hulk, he thinks that guy should be Hulk. Of course he does. I love watching cripples wrestle. Ray calls him dad, and Hogan agrees, brother.

We see Bobby Roode and Austin Aries complaining about Chavo and Hernandez last week. Eventually, they’re interrupted by Bad Influence. Daniels gives them a bunch of two-faced compliments before saying they have an 8-man tag match tonight, telling Aries and Roode to follow their lead tonight. Aries and Roode then argue a little bit more.

MATCH 1: Bad Influence (Christopher Daniels & Kazarian), and World Tag Team Champions Austin Aries & Bobby Roode vs. Chavo Guerrero, Hernandez, Joseph Park and James Storm
I love hearing London sh*t all over Chavo and Hernandez. Daniels and Storm start the match with a Storm uppercut. Daniels applies a side headlock and shoulders Storm down off the ropes. Crisscross ends in a back body drop by Storm. Storm clotheslines him to the floor, and Kaz attacks from behind, throwing Storm out. Hernandez comes in, and now there’s a brawl between both teams. The faces dominate, throwing the heels to the floor. Commercials.

We’re back, and Chavo and Kaz are legal. Chavo hits a spinning headscissors before tagging in Park. Park hits a forearm in the corner, but gets thumbed in the eye. Kaz ducks a clothesline, but Park blocks a cross-body. Daniels chopblocks Park, and Kaz shoves him into the heel corner. Kaz fires off some punches before tagging in Aries. Roode also comes in, and they kick Park in the corner before going for a double suplex. Park blocks it, and now the champs are arguing. Daniels tags himself in and throws Park into the corner for some strikes. Daniels stomps Park down before tagging in Kaz. They hit the slingshot elbow/legdrop combo before Kaz tags Daniels back in. Daniels applies a neck vice and uses a foot choke for 4. Punches to the head by Daniels, and Park fights back. Aries tags himself in, then Roode does the same. Kaz then tags himself in, and now the heels are arguing. Bad Influence get hit with a double clothesline, and now Park is crawling to the corner for a tag. Aries and Roode decide they’re done with the match and avoid a tag, walking away. Storm tags in for the hot tag offense. He hits a forearm on Kaz and a neckbreaker on Daniels. Backcracker on Kaz, and Closing Time on Daniels. Hernandez tags in and hits a Pounce on Daniels. Chavo hits a frog splash on Daniels and a tilt-a-whirl on Kaz. Storm hits the Last Call on Kaz before tagging in Park. He mounts the middle rope and hits a big splash. For whatever reason, Chavo makes the cover and gets the 3.

WINNERS: Chavo Guerrero, Hernandez, Joseph Park and James Storm.

We find out that the Ray/Hardy match at Lockdown will be a cage match. Big surprise, considering that’s the whole damn point of the PPV.

Another video for Rockstar Spud, who is still a douche.

MATCH 2: Robbie E (w/Robbie T) vs. Rockstar Spud
Spud backs E to the corner, where E boots him down. Back elbow by E, followed by a stomp. Spud hits a dropkick, but runs into a boot in the corner. E mounts the middle buckle for a diving forearm, which connects. He pie-faces Spud, and Spud fights back with strikes. E drops him with a kneelift, then corner whips him. E misses an avalanche and runs into a pair of clotheslines, followed by a tilt-a-whirl DDT. Spud goes up top, but he misses a guillotine legdrop. E grabs his clipboard, but T won’t give it up. E turns around and Spud turns a bodyscissors into a victory roll for the 3.

WINNER: Rockstar Spud. After the match, E gets in T’s face and begins poking him in the chest. E slaps him after a brow-beating, so T throws the clipboard down, takes his shirt off, and backs off, heading back up the ramp. T leaves the ring and begins stalking E up the ramp.

The Knockouts title match is up next. We see Tara with Jesse heading towards the ring.

MATCH 3-4-Way Elimination Match for the Knockouts Championship: Velvet Sky vs. Gail Kim vs. Miss Tessmacher vs. Tara (w/Jesse; Champion)
Brooke Hogan is going to watch the match from ringside. Jesse has been ejected from ringside, and it looks like all four are legal at all times. Tessy with a victory roll on Kim for 2. Tara rolls up Tessy for 2, then Sky does the same on Tara. Tessy goes for the victory roll on Tara, but Tara electric chairs her, sending her to the floor. The heels pair off on Sky, beating her down. Sky fights out with strikes, but not for long. Double corner whip, and an avalanche by Tara. Kim hits a corner body attack, and Tara hits the Spider’s Web for 2. Kim breaks it up for whatever reason, and now the heels argue. Kim shoves Tara, and now they trade forearms and chops. Tara gets the best of it and hits a back body drop. Tara misses a corner attack when Kim slides to the apron. Tessy resurfaces and pulls Kim down to the floor. Kim grabs her by the hair and goes to crotch her on the ring post, but Tessy blocks it and turns it into a bulldog on the floor. In the ring, Sky fights Tara off with punches, and Tessy comes into to join her. Sky hits a clothesline on Tara, and Tessy does the same. Tara rolls to the apron, where she hotshots Sky. Tessy whips Tara back in, but gets tripped into the bottom rope. Tara hits a bodyslam near the corner and goes up for a moonsault, which connects. Sky comes back in and hits In Yo Face on Tara. Kim attacks Sky before she can make the pin, throws Sky out and gets the pin on Tara.

Tara is eliminated, and we’re guaranteed a new champion tonight. Tessy hits some clotheslines and a forearm on Kim, then hits Tessticular Cancer. Tessy goes up top, but Kim stops her and climbs up for a superplex. Sky comes in and the three do the Tower of Doom spot. Sky goes for the pin on Kim, getting 2. She goes for one on Tessy as well, getting another 2. Sky goes for In Yo Face on Kim, but Tessy goes for a roll-up. Sky rolls through and gets the pin. Miss Tessmacher is eliminated.

Kim attacks Sky from behind before corner whipping her. Sky blocks the charge, hits a couple clotheslines and a spinning headscissors. Kim comes back with a dropkick and rolls Sky up with the ropes for 2. Taryn Terrell sees the rope assist and refuses to count three. Kim argues with her before turning back to Sky, shouldering her in the corner. Sky counters a corner charge with a roll-up, but Kim holds onto the ropes. Terrell shoves her off for refusing a rope break, and Sky hits In Yo Face for 3.

WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: Velvet Sky.

We’re in Hogan’s office, and he’s with Sting. He asks Sting to watch his back tonight. Hogan tells Sting he’ll be there for him when he leaves. Sting walks into his own locker room, where Buddy Ray is standing. Sting says everything is locked and loaded, and he’s happy to be tagging with both of them.

Video package for AJ Styles. Mike Tenay informs us that the cameras are being sent to Gainsville, GA to get the fans up-to-date with AJ, and that footage will air next week.

Video package for the Angle/Joe vs. Tomax/Xamot feud.

MATCH 4: Garett Bischoff vs. Samoa Joe
Joe backs Garett into the corner, where Garett immediately goes for the ropes. Garett ducks a boot and a clothesline before diving to the floor. Joe follows, so Garett rolls back into the ring to hit some double axe handles. Joe fights back with chops until Garett thumbs him in the eye and chopblocks him. Garett stomps Joe down before applying a legbar. Garett strikes Joe in the corner until Joe comes back with rights. Garett kicks him in the knee and hits a clothesline. Garett breaks a choke at 4, then goes back to the knee with kicks. Joe comes back with headbutts, so Garett rakes the eyes and hits a flying shoulderblock for 1. Garett applies a rear chinlock, and Joe fights out. Garett goes to the eyes again before running into a back elbow. Clothesline by Joe, followed by another, an inverted atomic drop, a running boot and a running senton. Joe goes for the Face Wash in the corner, which connects. He calls for the Muscle Buster, setting Garett up in the corner. Joe hits a chop first, then decides to yank Garett down instead as Wes Brisco hits the ring.

WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Samoa Joe. He takes Wes down with a headbutt before Garett chopblocks him once more. Garett and Wes are now beating Joe down when Kurt Angle runs down to the ring. Garett and Wes bail and jump over the guardrail. Angle says he didn’t forget about them. He got Wes his contract, and he’s glad he did, because the pain he’s going to inflict is going to be 100% legal. At Lockdown, it will be Wes vs. Angle in a steel cage. It’s real. It’s damn real.

UP next, RVD defends his title against Kenny King. Again.

MATCH 5-World X-Division Championship: Kenny King vs. Rob Van Dam (Champion)
Can someone explain why King comes out to an entrance theme that’s a combination of country and techno? King attacks from behind, knocking RVD to the floor. Outside, King stomps RVD down before ramming him back-first into the ring post and hitting a bodyslam on the floor. King breaks the count, then continues the attack on RVD, choking him over the barricade. Back in the ring, King goes for the pin, getting 2. Another bodyslam by King, but he misses a springboard legdrop. RVD hits a jumping roundhouse, shoulder thrusts in the corner, and some forearms to the face. King reverses a corner whip, but RVD blocks the charge. He goes for a jumping kick, but King whips him back to the mat. King mocks RVD before going for the pin, getting 1. Jumping roundhouse by King connects for 2. King applies a rear chinlock and whips RVD down as he tries to fight out. King goes for another pin, getting 2. King hits a float-over suplex into some mounted punches for 2. RVD hits a quick kick to the head, but King rakes the eyes, staying in control. He applies a modified abdominal stretch, and RVD fights out. King forearms him in the back, then sends him into the corner. RVD counters the charge with a spinning heel kick, then hits several strikes before throwing King into the corner. He throws him into the opposite corner before hitting a high kick to the face. Clotheslines by RVD, followed by a thrust kick. Rolling monkey flip out of the corner, but King lands on his feet and hits a running knee strike. King goes for the Royal Flush, but instead throws him face-first in a sloppy-looking spot for 2. Back up, King misses a knee strike in the corner, and RVD capitalizes with a springboard thrust kick and Rolling Thunder. Up top, RVD hits the Five-Star Frog Splash for the 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Rob Van Dam.

We see Brooke and Hulk Hogan walking around in the back. Hogan says he’s had enough, and he needs to do this for himself and their family tonight. Brooke tells him, “Have fun!” Yes, that’s what she really said.

We get a video for Ray/Hardy. Funny how Hardy already has comments about Ray being the new #1 contender. It’s as if this was all pre-recorded. But that couldn’t be, right? RIGHT?!

MATCH 6-Mr. Anderson, World Television Champion Devon and DOC vs. Sting, Bully Ray and Hulk Hogan
God, I hope this is short. Hogan’s music hits, but he doesn’t show. His music hits again, but he no-shows once more as A and E attack Ray and Sting. Guess this will be 3-on-2 for the moment, as the bell has rang. DOC beats down Sting as the other two pair up against Ray. Ray comes back with a double clothesline on Devon and Anderson, and he’s limping around. Sting hits a Stinger Splash on DOC, and Ray drops him with a clothesline. Commercials.

We’re back, and Anderson & Ray are legal. Anderson is beating Ray down, and he tags in DOC. DOC hits some forearms to the chest over the top rope, then hits a boot to the face for 1. DOC fishhooks the mouth, then hits a knee to the face. Devon tags in, and he tees off on Ray. Ray fights back, but Devon knocks him down and connects with an elbow. Anderson comes in illegally behind the ref’s back, and Ray fights out of the corner. Anderson tackles him back and tags in DOC, who hits some rights to the face. Devon back in, who hits a snapmare and applies a rear chinlock. Ray counters with a back suplex, but Devon stops him from making a tag. Anderson tags in and drops an elbow on Ray before hitting some rights. He chokes Devon behind the ref’s back as DOC tags himself in. DOC beats Ray down in the corner, but Ray comes back with some shots. He hits some chops to the chest and some rights until DOC connects with a kneelift and tags in Devon. Devon goes to the ropes, but runs into a spear. Sting tags in, and he attacks all three heels with chops and kicks. He ducks a DOC clothesline, and DOC connects on Devon. Scorpion Death Drop on DOC, and Anderson breaks up the pin. Bodyslam on Anderson, and he tells Ray it’s time for Wassup?! We see Tomax and Xamot haul Hogan out onto the ramp, and Hogan appears to be beaten up. We also see Mike Knox and Black Scorpion bring Brooke out. Ray chases them off, leaving Sting alone. Sting goes for the Scorpion Deathlock on Anderson, but DOC nails him with a mafia kick and gets the 3.

WINNERS: Mr. Anderson, Devon and DOC. Brooke and Ray are checking on Hogan on the ramp as A and E triple-team Sting in the ring. BS, Knox, Tomax and Xamot join them in the ring, standing triumphant.

End of show.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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-Dustin

WWE: Elimination Chamber 2013

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TNA Impact Wrestling Results and February 14 Recap

February 16, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

This week, TNA Impact Wrestling is “live” from London, and as you would expect, Hulk Hogan is opening the show. Mike Tenay has Wembley Arena confused with Wembley Stadium, so the night is already off to a great start. Hogan panders to the fans for a moment. He heard noise when he slammed giants and won titles, but this sounds pretty damn sweet, brother. Since we’re on fire in London, he’s got a couple big things going down right now. First off, the fate of the TNA title hangs in the balance at Lockdown. Back there, there’s so much talent, and he finally found eight guys that rose right to the top. Tonight, we’re going to have four matches to find out who he picks to be the #1 contender at Lockdown: RVD vs. James Storm, Christopher Daniels vs. Magnus, “The Human Cyborg” (Really, Hogan? Are you this stupid?) Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe, and just to make sure his feet fly off the ground, the last match will feature two former champions as Bobby Roode faces Austin Aries. At the end of the night, he’ll come back out here, jack, and he’ll pick the #1 contender to face Hardy. The other business at hand is the business of Aces and Eights. A and E called out the whole roster, and they want a war to end all wars at Lockdown. So, Hogan thought about it for half a second, made a phone call to a brother from another mother, and he made him team captain. That man will speak for himself now, and that’s, “the greatest wrestler of all time”…Sting. Thought Hogan would name himself after that claim. Regardless, I disagree with that title being placed on Sting.

Sting makes his way out, and he says it’s showtime in London. The fans here in London are not just some of the best in the UK, but some of the best in the world. Now, those scumbags in A and E made their challenge, and Sting accepts. He’s going to do the same thing Hogan is doing-look up and down the roster and find himself three killers to be on his team at Lockdown. He promises they will tear some heads off at Lockdown and put an end to A and E. Sting then spouts off Hogan’s catchphrase, because Hogan’s ego hasn’t been stroked yet tonight.

MATCH 1: Christopher Daniels (w/Kazarian) vs. Magnus
Despite Hogan’s pandering of Magnus earlier (since they’re in the UK), he will not be seriously considered for a title match. Same with Daniels. Too bad, because Magnus could really be a major star if TNA pushed him right. He’s young, has a good look, has improved dramatically in the ring since his debut a few years ago, and his mic skills are light years beyond where they should be, given his relative inexperience. He reminds me a lot of Wade Barrett in that regard. Daniels starts with an arm wringer. Magnus counters, and Daniels counters with a side headlock. Magnus breaks free and lands a shoulderblock off the ropes. Daniels backs him into the corner, but Magnus fires off some rights. Powerslam into a suplex by Magnus, then he throws Daniels to a corner. Kaz hotshots him as the ref is distracted, and Daniels connects with an STO. Nightmare on Helms Street gets 2. Daniels applies a neck vice. Magnus fights out, and Kaz trips him. Daniels connects with a clothesline to the back of the neck for 2. Magnus fights back with rights, but Daniels hits a uranage. He goes for the BME, but Magnus moves. Daniels lands on his feet, and Magnus hits a running boot. Kaz jumps on the apron, and he gets an uppercut. The ref ejects him shortly thereafter, and as Daniels goes onto the ramp to argue with the ref, Magnus back body drops him back into the ring. Magnus hits a pair of clotheslines before missing the misdirection version. Daniels goes to roll him up, but Magnus blocks and hits the misdirection clothesline. He calls for the Michinoku Driver #2, which connects. Up top, the flying elbow connects for 3.

WINNER: Magnus. The elbow needs work, but to be fair, Daniels was out of position.

We see Brooke Hogan and Buddy Ray in a dressing room. Ray is beating himself up, saying things weren’t supposed to go down the way they did. An injury wasn’t supposed to happen, but it did. He wanted to marry Brooke and win the title, but the second one hasn’t happened, and it will now have to wait. After Brooke apologizes, Ray says he won’t let this ruin their time together on Valentine’s Day, so they’re going to buy her the shoes she wanted, then go to the restaurant she likes, then they’re going dancing. She gives him guff about taking on his wedding ring.

Joe/Angle is next.

Magnus is in the back, and he says he’s a pup compared to some of these guys. Since he was 19, this has been his only occupation. That was taken away from him by A and E and a hammer. When your dream is taken from you and you realize how badly you need it, you use that to fuel you, and he has more fuel in his tank than anyone else in this business. A world-class athlete just proved to the world he has what it takes to be champion.

MATCH 2: Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle
We get some prerecorded comments from Angle about wrestling being eliminated from the Olympics, claiming that he will work with TNA to get the sport put back. I guess he doesn’t realize that the Olympic committee isn’t going to care what a sports entertainment company thinks of them. I personally have no opinion on this at all, as I don’t follow the Olympics in any conceivable way. Keep it or don’t, I really don’t care. Joe starts with a side headlock before shouldering Angle down, knocking him to the floor. Angle gets back in and fires off some shots, and Joe reciprocates. Running hip bump and spin kick in the corner by Joe. Snapmare by Joe, followed by a chop to the back and a kick to the chest. Jumping knee connects for 2. Joe with a European uppercut, but Angle counters with an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Angle begins attacking the left knee of Joe, then foot chokes him in the corner. Suplex by Angle gets 2. Snapmare by Angle, and now he applies a rear chinlock. Joe fights out, but Angle drops him with a back elbow. Commercials.

We’re back, and Joe is fighting out of a front chancery. Angle ducks a clothesline and goes for the Murder-Suicide, but Joe blocks it. Angle comes back with some shots until Joe forearms him in the face. Joe blocks an Irish whip and sends Angle to the floor. Joe hits him with a suicide dive, and now both men are down. Angle rolls back in, and Joe follows. He hits Angle with an inverted atomic drop, running boot and running senton for 2. Angle escapes a powerbomb and hits the Murder-Suicide. Joe avoids the Angle Slam and hits the ST-Joe out of the corner. He calls for the Muscle Buster, but Angle avoids it and hits a dropkick from the middle rope. Angle Slam connects, and Joe no-sells it before applying the Kokina Clutch. Angle rams him back-first into the buckles to break it, and applies the ankle lock. Joe rolls through after a minute, and the two simultaneously hit clotheslines. As Angle gets back up, Tomax and Xamot come in, causing the double DQ.

WINNER: No contest. Brisco and Garett continue their beatdown until Angle and Joe fight back. The heels bail before it goes on too much longer.

We see Dixie Carter in the back with the three losers from British Boot Camp. She says that, although Rockstar Spud won, this audience is crazy. Tonight is their first opportunity to be seen on Impact, so they need to show the world what this country saw on this show. Yeah, I don’t know either.

MATCH 3-6-Person Tag Team Match: The Blossom Twins (Hannah and Holly) and Party Marty vs. Gail Kim, Jesse and Knockouts Champion Tara
Marty and Jesse start the match, and Jesse drops Marty with a kneelift. Shoulderblock by Jesse. Marty comes back with a snapmare and a kick to the back. Marty slaps Jesse, and Jesse comes back with strikes. Marty connects with a sloppy springboard moonsault for 2. Commercials.

We’re back, and Jesse tags Tara in. One of the Blossom Twins tags in. The announcers don’t mention their individual names at all, so I’ll just call this one Hannah. Hannah hits an armdrag, and a dropkick gets 2. The announcers finally mention the Twins’ names as Holly tags in. The twins hit a double sidewalk slam. Tara tags out to Kim, who gets hit with rights by Holly. Holly hits a back elbow from the middle rope for 2. Kim beats her down, but Holly blocks a bodyslam and goes for the pin. Taryn Terrell is distracted by Jesse, so she can’t count it. Tara kicks her in the back, and Kim connects with a clothesline. Tara tags in and hits a hairmare. Kim tags back in and hits a backbreaker for 2. Kim hits the corner body attack for another 2. Tara back in now and she gets 2 off a forearm shot. Tara hangs her by the hair, hits a bodyslam and goes for the standing moonsault. Holly blocks with her knees, and she crawls to the corner to tag in Hannah as Kim tags in on the other side. Hannah fires off some rights, a pair of clotheslines and then sends Kim hard into the buckles. Tara comes in, and gets a big boot for her troubles. The twins double flapjack Kim onto Tara before Hannah drops Holly into a reverse electric chair onto Kim. Hannah gets 2 as Tara breaks up the pin. Holly boots Tara to the floor, and Jesse comes in to flex. Marty comes in with a seated dropkick from the top rope, and he botches the living hell out of a suicide dive. In the ring, Kim connects with Eat Defeat for 3.

WINNERS: Jesse, Gail Kim and Tara. On the replay, we see that Marty came head-first right onto one of the support beams for the barricade. Not good, Bruno. Kim gets on the mic and calls herself the most dominant Knockout in the company. And Taryn, thank you very much for not being your incompetent, blonde, bimbo self and doing your job right for once. And Tara, you have something she wants. She wants the KO title back, and she happens to know that Ms. Hogan has arranged for her to defend the belt next week, so Ms. Hogan, why don’t you make everyone’s life easier and come out here to give Kim what she deserves.

Brooke Hogan heads out and says she hears Kim’s plea and knows she wants a shot at the title. She’s going to grant it, but that’s not all. She’ll wrestle Tara, as well as Miss Tessmacher in a 3-way. Tessy comes out, and Brooke says she’s not done yet. These three will also be wrestling, making the match a 4-way. Sky joins Tessy on the ramp. Brooke says the match will be an elimination match, and just to make sure no shenanigans go on, Brooke will be at ringside watching.

MATCH 4-World X-Division Champion Rob Van Dam vs. James Storm (non-title)
I missed the first part of this match, as the feed I had for it on YouTube started the match right in the middle. RVD hits a monkey flip and a roundhouse in the corner. Jumping side kick, and Rolling Thunder gets 2. Front powerslam near the corner, and RVD goes for the split-legged moonsault, which connects for 2. They now trade rights, and Storm comes off the ropes with a DDT for 2. They trade more rights, Storm ducks a roundhouse and hits an uppercut. Out of the corner, he hits the Alabama Slam for 2. RVD blocks the backcracker, but doesn’t block Closing Time. Storm signals for the Last Call, but RVD blocks and hits a spinning heel kick. RVD goes up top for the Five-Star, but Storm knocks him to the apron. RVD blocks a ram to the buckle with a high kick and goes for the Van Terminator, but misses. Storm hits the Last Call and gets the 3.

WINNER: James Storm.

Joseph Park enters Hogan’s office, where Hogan and Brooke are talking. Park says he knows Hogan is looking for an opponent for Hardy for Lockdown, and some of the boys have been telling Park that, if he wants to get anywhere in this business, he has to learn how to politic. Hogan tells him he doesn’t have to do that. Park is confused about what politicking is, and Hogan tells him he needs to ask the boys what a rib is.

We see Brooke putting makeup on after the commercials, and she’s talking to her dad about Buddy Ray. Hogan says he has to keep an open mind, as he’s got eight other guys who want a title match. Brooke tells him Ray got into the business because of Hogan and wants to be just like him. She tells him to soften up. Hogan says he’d love to have a son-in-law as champion, but he has to remain objective. He will definitely take Ray as a contender under advisement.

MATCH 5: World Tag Team Co-Champion Bobby Roode vs. World Tag Team Co-Champion Austin Aries
Before the match, Roode tells Hogan that it’s taken him a week to screw with their plan. Last week was just the beginning, becoming the new tag champs. They intend on winning all the gold in TNA and finally bring some prestige and honor, finally bringing back honor and prestige to them. Aries calls tonight’s plan transparent. With him and Roode on the same page, the plan won’t work. They know what has to be done and what’s right for business. They each go for a “Fingerpoke of Doom”, but argue about who’s going to lay down. Aries grabs a mic and calls this a little miscommunication, then refuses to go down. Aries says he’s the bigger man, and he’ll lay down for Roode, no problem. Aries lays down and Roode goes for the pin. As the ref counts 2, Aries reverses and gets 2 of his own. A shoving match starts as we go to commercials.

We’re back, and we’ve got a lock-up. Aries backs Roode into the corner, and they shove each other a few times. Aries applies a side headlock before a crisscross ends with Aries doing a cartwheel. Aries taunts Roode from the buckle and then goes for a slingshot sunset flip. Roode drops down and holds the ropes, getting 2. Another shoving match starts and Aries goes for a side headlock. Roode shoves him into the corner, but Aries jumps over him and schoolboys him with the ropes for 2. More shoving, and now they’re trading rights. Aries hits some forearms and nails a rolling elbow. Roode comes back with a spinebuster for 2. Aries slides out of a powerslam attempt and shoves Roode into the buckles. Roode counters the running dropkick by setting Aries up on the top rope from his shoulder. Roode goes for a superplex, but Aries fights out. He boxes the ears, knocking Roode to the mat. He goes for the 450 splash, but Roode moves. Aries rolls through as Roode goes for the spear. Aries counters the spear with the Last Chancery, and Roode breaks it by going to the eyes. Roode applies the Bowflex, and Aries eventually counters into a pin for 2. Aries boots Roode and goes for the brainbuster, but Roode slides out and we get several standing switches until Aries shoves Roode into referee Brian Hebner. Roode hits a back elbow and rolls to the floor to grab a chair. He hits the mat with the chair, then falls down to make it look like he got hit. Aries does the same thing. They both tell Hebner the other hit them, and now the two are arguing over who hit who. We see Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez come out onto the ramp, and they’re wearing Aries’ and Roode’s shirts. The two leave the ring to confront the former champions, and Hebner counts them both out.

WINNER: No contest.

We see Hogan and Sting talking in the back, and Hogan’s rambling about what Brooke just told him. Sting tells Hogan he’s got the best talent in the world in this company, and he’s glad he doesn’t have to make the decision for the new #1 contender. Hogan starts to go down the hall the wrong way until Sting points him in the right direction. Foreshadowing, I’m sure.

Hogan makes his way back into the arena, and he says it’s been crazy in the back because of all the energy from the crowd. It’s not about him anymore (HAHAHAHAHAHA!); it’s about the 8 guys we saw throughout the night. It’s decision time, and each of those 8 guys wants to be the man. Now, he’s got to pick one of them to face Hardy at Lockdown. Before he can finish, Aces and Eights hit the ring and surround Hogan. Buddy Ray limps out, chain in hand. The members of A and E drop back down to the floor as Ray enters the ring. He holds them off until Sting’s music hits, and he’s got 3 baseball bats. Each of the faces takes one as A and E leave the area.

End of show.
As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.
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TNA Impact Wrestling Results & January 17 Recap: Bully and Brooke Tie The Knot

January 19, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

This week’s TNA Impact will not only feature the fallout from Genesis, but the Bully Ray/Brooke Hogan wedding, which I know none of you are excited about. Now that he’s a face, can we call him Buddy Ray instead?

Speaking of Bully Ray, we see him looking at a text message on his phone, shaking his head. Brother Runt walks in, wearing the old taped-up Dudley Boys glasses. Tommy Dreamer also walks into congratulate him. Shoot over to Brooke Hogan’s dressing room, and some of the knockouts are getting ready, as they are apparently bridesmaids.

Jeff Hardy makes his way into the Impact Zone, still the World Champion after Sunday night’s PPV. Fans are chanting, “You still got it!” I beg to differ. Hardy says the odds were stacked against him, and the “creatures” prevailed again. Bobby Roode and Austin Aries are two of the best on this planet, but Hardy is still the World Champion. I hate Impact Zone fans so very, very much. In this ring, Hardy fights through pain and people, and he fights for each one of us. That being said, he’s always ready to fight.

Bad Influence make their way onto the stage. Kaz asks Jeffrey if he’s ready for a fight. That’s funny because, in a week, you “Butt-puppets”, his friend, Christopher Daniels is going to bring the fight to Hardy and take the World Championship. Kaz needs to disappear from television. Daniels says he hears Jefferson bragging about his victories. Daniels can brag, too. He’s the “Thursday night delight”. He’s the man who sent AJ Styles home, and he beat James Storm at Genesis to become the #1 contender. He didn’t need any creatures to help him. They’re not “creatures of the night”; they’re creatures of habit, and the habit is losing. These people are losers, just like AJ, just like Storm, and just like Hardy. But, the “creatures” can smile, because once next Thursday comes around and he wins the title, he gives them permission to worship him. Hardy says they don’t need to wait until next Thursday. Let’s just do it now. Kaz and Daniels hit the ring and beat Hardy down until Storm joins the fight. He chases the heels off, which I’m sure will set up a tag team match. Storm asks if someone said something about fighting. If Bad Influence want a fight, why don’t they fight Storm and Hardy right now? Can I call this or what? Storm says he’s not asking, he’s demanding.

MATCH 1: World Champion Jeff Hardy and James Storm vs. Bad Influence (Christopher Daniels and Kazarian)
The match starts with Storm and Daniels brawling on the floor as Hardy and Kaz square off in the ring. The faces beat down the heels in opposite corners until Storm clotheslines Daniels back to the floor, rendering the last few seconds pointless. Hardy throws Kaz over the top as well, then hits a double dropkick through the ropes. Commercials.

We’re back, and Storm & Daniels are the legal men. Storm hits a back body drop. Hardy tags in for a double back elbow. Reverse enziguri connects for 2. Storm back in, who hits a double axe handle from the middle to the arm. Daniels backs Storm into his own corner, and Kaz chokes him over the bottom rope. Kaz tags in, and Daniels hiptosses Kaz onto Storm for 2. Kaz with a dropkick, and they fake a tag. Daniels with a foot choke in the corner before sending Storm hard into the buckles. Kaz back in, and he chokes Storm over the middle rope. Shoulder thrusts in the corner before Kaz rakes the eyes. Daniels back in, and he hits Nightmare on Helms Street for 1. Neck vice is applied, right into a rear chinlock. Storm fights out, but is hair-whipped down. Daniels goes for a suplex, but Storm reverses into a small package for 2. Daniels is back up and he takes Storm down before applying a rear chinlock. Storm fights out and hits a side-Russian legsweep. Hardy and Kaz tag in, and Hardy does the hot tag offense. Double legdrop by Hardy, followed by a seated dropkick for 2. Botch in the Wind connects for another 2 before Daniels breaks it up. Hardy shoves Kaz into Daniels, then drops him with a sit-out jawbreaker. Daniels rebounds and takes Hardy down with an STO. Storm comes in and hits Closing Time on Daniels, sending him to the floor. Storm connects with a slingshot plancha to the floor. Back in the ring, Kaz counters a Twist of Fate with a small package for 2. Hardy hits a quick Twist of Fate for the 3.

WINNERS: Jeff Hardy and James Storm. Daniels attacks Hardy from behind, and hits Angel’s Wings right on Hardy’s custom title belt.

We see footage of the Gut Check judges discussing last week, and apparently, only one of the two competitors last week can get a contract this time around. Al Snow says both did a great job, and Taz agrees. He and Snow then begin to argue about who was more impressive. Bruce Prichard makes a big deal about Brian Cage’s middle rope superplex, which really wasn’t all that great. They all say Jay Bradley was more impressive overall, but they need to think about this a little bit more. Decision time is up next. Personally, I’m going with Bradley on this one.

We see Brother Runt and Tommy Dreamer trying to get ready for the wedding. Joseph Park walks in and thanks Buddy Ray for his help and congratulates him on his wedding, giving him a box of Cuban cigars.

Back in the Impact Zone, Al Snow, Taz and Bruce Prichard are in the ring for decision time. Brian Cage comes out first, followed by Jay Bradley. Tonight, one of them gets a shot at getting a contract. Prichard tells them they were both good, but only one gets a chance. He tells Bradley he was impressive in his victory, but a win isn’t everything. Cage is put together and had a good outing last week, but unfortunately, it wasn’t enough. Cage is out. Taz’s decision is first. Short and sweet, his decision is no. Bradley gets his thirty seconds right away. Bradley points at Taz and tells him he’s humped so many highways, he probably owes them child support. But all that travel taught him discipline and took him all over the world. They’ve brought him here to the Impact Zone. He’s been trained by the best to be one of the best, and in one match last week, he and his Boomstick were trending worldwide. Look in his eyes. There’s no BS. He’s knocking on the door. Just let him in, and he’ll take care of the rest. Snow’s decision is next, and he says that last week, Bradley showed talent and skill. He had personality and presence and is connecting with the crowd. His answer is yes. Prichard is up now, and he says that, by listening to the crowd, Bradley has proven they care about him. Bradley has passion and guts, so his answer is yes. Jay Bradley is the newest member of the TNA roster. At least some decent talents are finally getting these spots.

MATCH 2: Christian York vs. Kenny King
This a rematch from Genesis, in which York was victorious. York hits a suicide dive before King gets in the ring. York rakes the eyes before slamming King into the steps. York blocks a throw into the post and clotheslines King. In the ring, King stomps him down. Out of the corner, York connects with another clothesline, then a chop to the chest. Kitchen sink for 2. In the corner, York hits some punches to the side of the head, hits several kicks and a chop to the chest. King tries to crawl to the outside, but York drags him back in. King gets to his feet and hits a reverse Dragon Whip. They counter each other a few times until York hits a low kick to the head. King tries a jumping roundhouse off the ropes, but York catches him and counters with a Union Jack. York goes for a burning hammer, but King rakes the eyes and rolls him up with a handful of tights for 3.

WINNER: Kenny King. Short but fun match. I’d like to see a longer match out of these two in the future.

In the back, Buddy Ray stops Sting and says he’s the only guy who trusts him. Tonight is a huge night, and Brooke needs to be happy. The thing that will make her happy is her dad walking her down the aisle. Hogan won’t talk to Ray, so Sting, please convince him to do the right thing. Sting says he will try his damnedest.

Taz leaves the broadcast booth because he’s apparently a groomsman tonight. If you’ve read the spoilers, you already know the stupid thing that happens later on.

Austin Aries is talking to himself in the mirror. Bobby Roode walks up, and they begin arguing over why neither of them is champion right now. Aries says this isn’t getting them anywhere. They’re about to go out for a stupid wedding. Where’s their celebration for carrying the company for a year. Aries says he’s wearing all black tonight, because this might turn into a funeral. He’s got a few objections, and he’s going to let them be known. Roode is going out, too, despite not being invited.

AI stops Hulk Hogan in the back, asking if he’s here for the wedding. Hogan ignores him and keeps walking away.

Back in Ray’s dressing room, Taz walks in on the rest of the group. Taz asks where “Paul” is, and Ray said he’d call back in five minutes. Hilarious. Dreamer asks Ray about Hogan, and he says Brooke is a wreck, and they both want Hogan here. Taz says Hogan is in a tough spot, since he’s the dad. Ray says that, bottom line, he’s marrying her, and his three brothers are here, so that’s all that matters.

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Sting enters the Impact Zone and says that it feels great to be here. The fans have arrived on a special evening. Tonight isn’t just an ordinary night; it’s a huge night. Love is in the air. Along with all the love floating around, though, there’s some tension in the air as well. Buddy Ray has asked him to address the tension, and that’s what he’s going to do right now. If Ray is a praying man, he better start praying right now. Hulkamania, please come down here. Sting needs to talk to you.

Hogan makes his way out, and I just noticed he shaved off all of the dyed stubble. He tells Sting to cut the crap and wants to know what Sting wants from him. Let’s cut to the chase and get down to business. Sting won’t pull the wool over his eyes. They’ve been in the business a long time, wrestled all over and traveled every road possible. They’ve both had people look them in the eyes and tell them they loved them, then walked away. They’ve both had best friends that have stabbed them in the back. Lay it out so Hogan knows where you’re coming from. Sting points out that Ray has been watching both Sting and Hogan’s backs a bunch of times, not to mention come to Brooke’s aid numerous times. Hogan says that, on social media, all of his fans are on his side. Everybody is telling him to watch out for himself, Sting and Hogan’s family. When it comes to things in and out of the ring, he calls them like he sees them. He gets a bad vibe off Buddy Ray, so as far as he’s concerned, there will never be trust there. Sting tells Hogan he needs to do this for himself and, more importantly, for his daughter tonight. Hogan says he always does the right thing, brother. He drops his mic and stomps out of the ring.

We see Gail Kim approach Taryn Terrell in a dressing room. Kim asks how long she’s been here. Taryn says six months. Kim points out she’s been wrestling for 13 years, then shows iPad video from Genesis about all of the blunders Taryn made during her title match. Kim has another chance to be #1 contender, and Taryn promises to call everything down the middle. Kim tells her that she better call things down the middle or else.

We see footage from Buddy Ray’s bachelor party. He’s hanging out with strippers, and…that’s pretty much it.

MATCH 3-Winner becomes the new #1 contender for the Knockouts title: Gail Kim vs. Velvet Sky
They added words to Kim’s entrance music for no reason. Lock-up to start, and Sky gives a clean break on the ropes. Another lock-up, and Kim backs her into the corner, giving another clean break. Another lock-up, and Kim turns it into a side headlock. Sky fights out and shoulders Kim to the floor off the ropes. Back in, Kim knees Sky in the gut before throwing her to the corner. Foot choke on the top buckle. Kim goes for a fireman’s carry, but Sky counters into a sunset flip for 2. Sky ducks a clothesline and rolls Kim up in a schoolgirl for another 2. Kim is back up and she blasts Sky with a kick. Foot choke over the middle rope by Kim. Running clothesline off the ropes by Kim following a forearm strike. The Happy Ending connects for 2. Sky counters a corner charge with an axe kick and hits a suplex for 2. She goes for In Yo Face, but Kim backs her into the corner. She slams Sky’s face into the mat, then chokes her with the knee for 2. Kim applies a headscissors, then breaks the hold with a kick to the neck. Sky gets sent to the corner and blocks a charge with a boot. She goes for a bulldog, but Kim stands her ground and shoves Sky into the opposite corner. Sky rebounds and runs right into a seated dropkick. Eat Defeat connects, but Sky gets her foot under the bottom rope at 2. Kim backs Taryn into the corner to argue with the decision, and Sky pulls her to the middle of the ring with a bulldog. Pair of clotheslines and a headscissors by Sky. She hits a facebuster before connecting with In Yo Face for 3.

WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: Velvet Sky.

Dixie Carter and Brooke Hogan are in the back, and Carter’s acting is just the tops. Not to be outdone, Brooke begins her fake crying as they bawl all over each other. Dixie tells her that, no matter what, her dad loves her very much.

Jesus. There are still about 25 minutes left in this show, and we’re going into the wedding. I don’t want to recap a 25-minute wedding, or any wrestling wedding, for that matter.

The introductions for the wedding are about to start when Bobby Roode and Austin Aries make their way out instead. Roode wants to understand what’s going on here tonight. Everybody here and everybody watching at home are about to witness a wedding between Buddy Ray and Brooke Hogan. The fact is the only celebration should be going on is Roode and Aries. If it weren’t for the two of them, there wouldn’t even be a show. They are two of the greatest wrestlers on Earth. Roode is the longest-reigning champion in company history. Aries then beat said champion. Aries says that, all of the great moments of 2012 in TNA is thanks to them. Now, did they get appreciation for that? No. Did they get any thanks? No. The lack of respect this company has for himself and Roode has spawned a mutual respect for their talents. There was a time in this company when it could be proud of its champions, like when they held the title. That day is no longer. The company is taking a step 10 years in the past. You’ve got RVD as X-Division Champion. You’ve got Devon as TV Champion. You’ve got Chavo and Hernandez as Tag Team Champions, and of course, the golden child as World Champion. You can scream and paint your faces, but right now, you’re looking at the two men who make this company worth anything. The lack of respect makes them sick. Roode interjects and says they object to the wedding.

Because absolutely no one ever asked for it, Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez make their way out. Chavo says they object as well. Let it be noted the champions also object. They step into the ring and Chavo says they do not object to the wedding. They object to the statement that these two clowns are making about the champions in this company. Chavo says they are no longer champions in this country (yep). Aries wants to go back to Chavo’s objection. He’s got one, too. He didn’t know the caterers were allowed to attend the wedding reception. Roode then asks for quesadillas. The champs fake a laugh and brawl. At least Chavo finally shut the hell up. Hernandez goes for a Border Toss on Aries, but Roode pulls Aries to the floor before any further damage can be done.

I’m sure countless people will disagree with Hogan’s statement that he always does the right thing, brother. Just saying.

Speaking of Hogan, we’re now in his office, where he and Sting are having a pow-wow. Hogan Shows a picture of him and Brooke at a young age, saying he’s always tried to protect her from everything bad in the business. This isn’t about Buddy Ray. For Brooke, he knows how this movie ends. Sting says the business has jaded them, and he doesn’t disagree with Hogan. However, Hogan has done such a good job of raising and protecting her, that maybe she can see something in Ray Hogan can’t because the business has blinded him. He’s wrong about Ray, and he needs to walk Brooke down that aisle. Hogan says he’s going to pack his stuff up and get out here, but he always does the right thing for business and his family.

We’re finally ready to do this stupid-ass wedding, with 14 minutes left of show. Buddy Ray comes out first. Dreamer and Miss Tessmacher are out next, followed by Brother Runt and Mickie James, and finally, Taz with Christy Hemme. Brooke eventually comes out, looking like a giant creamsicle. She looks for her dad a few times, and he eventually does come out to walk her down. You know it’s a bad night when Mickie James comes off more slutty in a bride’s maid dress than Christy Hemme or Miss Tessmacher. The segment goes through the standard wedding crap, and Hogan officially gives Brooke away. More standard wedding processions, and I notice this minister looks like an even more weasily version of Johnny Knoxville. We get to the exchanging of vows as I drift off. Brooke’s acting is atrocious. Hogan is stroking his beard like a pedophile in the background. Ray gives some generic “You are the one” speech. As you can tell, I’m not invested in this segment at all. The minister gets to the “is there anyone who doesn’t think…” part, and no one interrupts. Brooke says “I do”, and Ray does the same. Before the minister makes it official, Taz interrupts. He can’t take this anymore. He asks if Ray is sure he wants to do this. Ray says yes. Taz’s second question is, is it just him, or is it hot in here? Taz takes his jacket off, and in one of the stupidest heel turns in wrestling history, he turns around to reveal he’s wearing an Aces and Eights vest. A and E hit the ring and destroy the wedding party. Mike Knox and DOC hold onto Brooke and make her watch the beating. Knox, by the way, is showing no ill-effects from having taken a ball-peen hammer shot to the hand last week. Devon knocks Ray out with a pedestal. Brooke forgot to not smile while she was fake crying. Sting apparently joined the fight at some point, but was also taken out.

End of show.

And just like that, Taz’s remaining sliver of credibility is gone. Way to go, Peter.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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TNA Impact Wrestling Results & January 10 Recap: Hogan Knows Best

January 12, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

This week’s edition of Impact Wrestling opens up with Sting, which leads me to believe we’ll get a long-winded promo full of nonsensical yelling. Sting is accompanied by Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe, and this leads me to believe the main event will be made into a 6-man. Sting says he told the world he’d come back last week, and he did. That was the beginning, and he’s just getting started.

This Sunday at Genesis, he’s looking for DOC. As for tonight, he’s feeling a little bit frisky. He didn’t come alone, bringing his close friends. Aces and Eights, you are invited to come get some. Joe takes the mic and says that, last week, A and E may have had him out manned, but they learned they didn’t have him outdone. Tonight, he’s putting them on notice. When you get in Joe’s face, Joe is going to beat you down, and Joe is going to choke you out. Angle’s turn, and he made a promise this year that all masks would come off and expose A and E for the cowards that they are. He started last week, and tonight, he wants to expose someone else. That man stood outside the cage and did nothing, and he wants to know where this man stands. Mr. Anderson, why don’t you come out and explain whose side you’re on.

Anderson comes out, and he stops at ringside. He calls this all rich. Where were they when he was getting beaten up by A and E a few months ago? Did anyone come to his rescue? No. The ironic part is, that night, he was supposed to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with Sting in the ring, and Sting just left him hanging, and also replaced him right away with Bully Ray. He doesn’t know what these guys’ problems are. Angle says he doesn’t have a problem, but Anderson is either with them, or there’s going to be a fight. Anderson starts to head into the ring, and proceeds to stare Angle down. He says he doesn’t have to answer to Angle, and in fact, he never has liked Angle. Angle says the feeling’s mutual, and then tackles Anderson and punches on him for a minute before Anderson bails.

Tonight, Gut Check returns, and this time, it’s two contestants facing off against each other. The first is Jay Bradley, who is a former WWE developmental talent, and has been in the business for probably a decade or so.

Brooke Hogan arrives in a golf cart, and AI stops him to ask what’s going on with daddy. She says she’s going to talk to her dad, then answers the phone. Bully Ray is apparently on the other end.

MATCH 1-X-Division tournament semifinal: Zema Ion vs. Kenny King
Ion gets the jobber non-entrance (as he should), so he’s going down. King backs Ion into the corner and hits a kneelift. He counters a corner charge by backdropping Ion to the apron, then knocking him off with a kick to the head. King misses a corkscrew plancha to the floor, but lands on his feet. Ion then botches a somersault plancha to the floor. Back in, King recovers, hits a stun gun, then knocks Ion down with a roundhouse. During this series, Mike Tenay announces that TNA will only have four pay-per-views this year. Back to the match, King gets 2. King hits a northern lights and rolls through for some mounted punches for 2. Ion sends King into the corner, but misses an attack through the ropes and lands on the apron, he ducks a King roundhouse and hotshots him. Ion lands the tornado DDT through the ropes for 2. King recovers and goes for the Royal Flush, but Ion counters into a small package for 2. Ion goes for his back suplex into a facebreaker, but botches it and drives King head-first into the mat for 2. Ion sucks so much. Up top, Ion misses the 450 splash. King gets back up and hits the Royal Flush for 3.

WINNER: Kenny King. After the match, King tells the crowd that Christy Hemme will announces him on Sunday as the new X-Division Champion.

The Robbies are in the back, and E is complaining about everything bad happening to him. Tonight, Jesse and Tara have challenged him to a mixed tag match. He asks Miss Tessmacher to be his partner, and she tells him he disgusts her. E says he’ll do in anything, and Tessy agrees, but on the condition that she tag with a winner instead, meaning Robbie T.

Joseph Park enters the building, and he’s all excited about being back and being able to wrestle. When he walks in and sees Hulk Hogan tonight, it won’t be as an attorney, it’ll be as a wrestler. He goes into the building, but the door is locked.

MATCH 2-Mixed Tag Team Match: Jesse and Knockouts Champion Tara vs. Miss Tessmacher and Robbie T (w/Robbie E)
The guys start, and Jesse attacks from behind. T shoves him away before hitting a hip toss and a bodyslam. Tara tags in, so Tessy has to come in as well. Tessy hits some clotheslines, then humps Tara’s face in the corner before hitting the Shout-Out. Stinkface follows, and Tara tags out. T throws Jesse to the corner, then hits a powerbomb for the 3.

WINNERS: Miss Tessmacher and Robbie T. T and Tessy decide to dance after the match while E looks on. Then they make out. Hooray.

We hear from the second Gut Check contestant, that being an indy wrestler from California named Brian Cage. Cage is also a former WWE developmental talent, and he was released in 2009 for what is listed as “unknown reasons”. I’ve noticed that both guys tonight have some of the douchiest facial hair you’ve ever seen.

MATCH 3-Gut Check: Brian Cage vs. Jay Bradley
Bradley backs Cage into the corner, so Cage shoves him. They go back to a lock-up, and Bradley goes into a waistlock. Cage counters into a hammerlock, and Bradley counters that into a waistlock takedown. Bradley rolls Cage up for 1, then applies a front chancery. Cage counters into a crucifix for 2. They both get up and trade forearms and European uppercuts. Cage goes for a rolling elbow, but Bradley sees it coming and boots him away. He follows up with a mafia kick, then stomps Cage down. Bodyslam by Bradley, followed by a jumping kneedrop. Cage counters a lariat with a dropkick, sending Bradley to the apron. Cage hits a superplex from the middle rope, then hits a twisting flying elbow to the back for 2. Bradley ducks a rolling elbow and hits a lariat that he calls The Boomstick for 3.

WINNER: Jay Bradley. “The Boomstick” may just be the best name for a finisher in wrestling history.

We’re in the A and E clubhouse, and everyone is chatting until Mr. Anderson interrupts thing. He says there’s a time and place to have a good time, but tonight is not it. Something needs to be done about Kurt Angle. Black Scorpion says Anderson is right, but tonight is not about personal beefs; it’s about club business. They enter the area where the poker table is, and BS says that tonight, the first order of business is Mike Knox. Angle took his mask last week after BS told everyone to not ever lose their masks. Knox starts to make excuses, but no one wants to hear it. When DOC lost his mask, he had to earn his spot, and tonight, Knox will have the same opportunity. Either make it right, or there’s trouble.

Joseph Park is in the ring, and he’s back from wrestling camp, thankfully in one piece. At this point in time, he respectfully requests that GM Hulk Hogan come to the ring, please. Hogan hobbles his way down and congratulates Park on his short stint in wrestling school, but he’s got business to deal with, so let’s make this quick. Park knows Hogan has bigger things to deal with, but he just wanted to thank Hogan to give him the motivation to go to wrestling camp and be trained professionally. He’d also like to thank Danny Davis for whipping him into shape and giving him a solid foundation. He knows he’s still considered a green hornet, but tonight, he’s in the ring, begging Hogan. He’s not here as a lawyer; he’s here as a wrestler. Hogan says he needs a couple more years before he’s ready. Park tells Hogan to listen to the crowd, then says he did everything he was supposed to do to become a wrestler. His business is in Impact Wrestling with Aces and Eights. He wants a match with a member of A and E, and Hogan grants it to him.

As Park leaves, Brooke Hogan appears on the big screen. She can’t believe her dad wants to deal with this in public, but that’s fine. She’s coming out to the ring right now to deal with this. She heads to the ring and says Hogan hasn’t answered her text messages or voicemails. He’s her father, and he’s never done this before. She has a question, and his answer will determine their relationship for a very long time. Hogan tells her to just ask it already. She asks if he’s going to reinstate Mark (Bully Ray), or keep this up like a personal vendetta. Hogan has an answer, and the answer is no. He storms out of the ring as Brooke does an awful job pretending to cry.

Austin Aries and Bobby Roode are walking towards the ring, arguing about who has a better t-shirt. Then they argue about who is going to wear what to the ring. Aries cuts off the argument and says they can agree they deserve to be champion more than Hardy or Storm. He calls them a “wet dream team”, so tonight, they need to be professionals and take care of their problem, and then deal with the problems between them. This leads to more arguing about wardrobes.

Video package for the triple threat match at Genesis, featuring comments from Aries and Hardy. For some reason, Roode is completely absent from this video, despite also being in the match.

MATCH 4: Bobby Roode and Austin Aries vs. James Storm and World Champion Jeff Hardy
Roode and Hardy start the match, and Roode applies a side headlock. Shoulder off the ropes by Roode, and a crisscross ends with a hiptoss by Hardy. Another crisscross, and Hardy shoulders Roode down. Roode forces a tag to Aries, and Aries trips Hardy before applying a front chancery. Hardy backs Aries into a corner, then hits a spinning headscissors out of the opposite corner. Hardy hits atomic drops on both heels, then tags Storm in, and they hit a double back elbow on Roode. Poetry in Motion on Aries, and Aries is tied up in the ropes, upside down. Roode helps him down, and he lands on his back on the floor. The heels are arguing as we go to commercial.

We’re back, and Hardy & Roode are the legal men. Hardy goes for the Botch in the Wind, but Aries grabs his foot from the apron. Hardy kicks him to the floor, and Roode crotches Hardy, sending him to the mat. Roode stomps Hardy down, and Aries tags himself in. Aries hits an elbow from the top rope, then begins working on Hardy’s left leg. Aries applies the front chancery once more, then sends Hardy into Roode’s boot before making the tag. Hardy manages to get Roode in a sunset flip, but the referee is arguing with Aries. He turns around to make the pin, but only counts to 2. Roode rebounds and makes the fake tag to Aries, who gets 2. He tags Roode back in, and Roode hits a bodyslam, followed by a Vader Bomb for 2. Aries back in, and he hits a corkscrew elbow from the middle rope for 2. Aries begins boxing Hardy’s ears before Roode tags in. Roode hits a suplex and a jumping kneedrop. Aries back in, and he hits a back suplex and a kneedrop from the bottom rope. Roode tags himself back in, and Hardy blocks the dive by getting his feet up. Hardy hits a reverse enziguri and tags in Storm as Aries tags in. Storm does the hot tag offense. Side-Russian legsweep on Roode, followed by a back body drop. Alabama Slam on Aries before Storm charges in on Roode. Roode backdrops him to the apron, but Storm lands on his feet and kicks Roode in the head. Storm hits a neckbreaker off the ropes for 2, but Aries tries to break up the pin, Storm hits him with Closing Time, sending Aries to the floor. He signals for the Last Call, but Christopher Daniels shows up out of nowhere and jumps on the apron. As the referee is telling him to leave, Kazarian pulls Storm out of the ring. Storm sends Kaz into the steps, and as Daniels comes in from behind, Storm turns around and fights him off. In the ring, Hardy hits the sit-out Twist of Fate on Roode. He calls for the standard version, but Aries clobbers him in the back of the head with the title belt, causing the DQ.

WINNERS VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Jeff Hardy and James Storm. The heels continue to attack Hardy after the match, then fight over who is going to hold the belts over their heads.

Brooke Hogan is in the back, on her phone once more. She’s apparently on the phone with Bully Ray again, and she’s telling him not to come here, then tells him to pick her up outside the office.

Up next, Mr. Anderson faces Kurt Angle.

Joey Ryan and Matt Morgan are in the back, and Ryan is telling everyone they’re winning the gold, and that size matters. Before Morgan can start speaking, Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez attack them from behind.

Another video for the triple threat match at Genesis. We hear from Hardy and “Toolbox” Mike Tenay. Once again, Roode’s presence is non-existent.

MATCH 5: Mr. Anderson vs. Kurt Angle
Man, did I not miss Anderson being gone from TNA. Can’t they just please give up on him already? Anderson slides to the floor before the bell rings, so Angle gets on the mic and asks him when he turned into a bitch. He tells Anderson to get his ugly ass in the ring, and the referee audibly tells him to watch his language. Before Anderson does that, Mike Knox hits the ring and attacks Angle with the ball-peen hammer.

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WINNER: No contest. Knox continues to attack Angle until the Wonder Twins hit the ring and chase him off. Samoa Joe joins them after Knox has already left, which is kind of pointless. Meanwhile, the rest of A and E are waiting for Knox at ringside, congratulating him. The medics come out, as apparently Angle was hit right across the neck, and they are hauling him out on a body board. Just to make this clear, I’m only referring to Knox as such because, thus far, TNA has not given him a name. Just pointing that out. We then see a replay of Knox hitting Angle in the neck. I’m no doctor, but last time I checked, the back of the shoulder is not the same as the neck.

As Angle is being hauled away, Sting’s music hits, bat in hand. He tells Devon that if he calls off his troops, Sting will call off his own if he can have Knox right now. Well, I guess TNA is going to call him Knox as well.

MATCH 6: Mike Knox vs. Sting
Before the bell rings, Sting hits Knox in the gut with his bat. As referee Earl Hebner takes the bat and the hammer away, Knox kicks Sting in the knee, and the match is officially underway. As Knox continues the attack, it dawns on me that, with his shaved head, beard and ring gear, he resembles former WWF bad idea Xanta Klaus (aka Balls Mahoney). Knox fires off lefts and rights in the corner, then drops Sting with a clothesline. Gotta love the stupid “Let’s go, Sti-ing!” chants in the crowd. Knox chokes Sting over the middle rope, then drops a leg across his back. Sting rolls to the floor and Knox follows. Sting fights back, sending Knox into the steps. I realize Knox has gained a lot of weight over the years (and this was reportedly one of the reasons WWE fired him), but man, he is fatter than holy hell at this point. Sting sends Knox into the steps once more, then a third time for good measure. Sting drags Knox to the other side of the ring and slams him into the guardrail. He hits a Stinger Splash against the guardrail before throwing Knox back in. He goes for the Scorpion Deathlock, but Knox boots him off into the corner, where he hits an avalanche. Sting no-sells the avalanche and sends Knox face-first into the opposite corner, where he hits a slow-motion Stinger Splash across the back. Sting hits the Scorpion Death Drop and gets the 3.

WINNER: Sting. Totally pointless squash. Granted, Knox should be used to being the recipient of these after so many years. Anyway, Sting grabs the hammer and begins assaulting Knox with it, but before Sting can brain Knox with it, Devon cuts him off and tells him to think twice. He and the rest of the group are holding Brooke Hogan hostage. Devon tells Sting that, if he comes any closer, the next time we see Brooke, we won’t recognize her. That could only be an improvement. Devon then tells Brooke to, “Shut up, bitch!”, which makes me laugh. He asks Sting who is in control. He told us 2013 would be Aces and Eights’ year, and they will reign supreme just like in 2012. On this note, Bully Ray runs down to ringside with his chain and hits one of the gang members. The rest throw Brooke into his arms before they flee. Meanwhile, we see Hogan standing on the stage, stroking his dyed stubble.

Back from commercials, Hogan is in the ring with Sting, Brooke and Ray. Hogan says he’s supposed to thank Ray for putting his daughter’s life in harm’s way, and bow down to kiss Ray’s rear end for all of the carnage he’s causing in Hogan’s life. He says Ray isn’t for real, he doesn’t believe him, and he’s not the man for Hogan’s daughter. Ray tells Sting to talk some sense to him before telling Hogan he’s so wound up, he’s now talking crap to one of his closest friends. Hogan is nuts. Ray has been wrestling for 20 years, and it is his life. All he ever cared about was being the best pro wrestler he could be and maybe one day be as good as Sting or as great as Hogan. He loves this business, and he never thought he would love anything as much as pro wrestling. And then Hogan’s daughter came along. The crazy thing is, she came into his life because she was apologizing for Hogan being such a hard ass and not trusting Ray.

Ray is so wound up he’s almost at a loss for words. He knows this is happening so quickly. Hogan throws down his microphone, and Ray says he can do the same thing. He knows things have moved quickly, but screw it. He pulls Brooke in between them and says he’s not good with feelings and emotions. He knows he’s a hard ass, but when Ray is with Brooke, things are different. She makes him laugh. Ray then gets down on one knee and presents a ring to Brooke. He tells her he loves her. He knows their entire relationship has played out in front of the world, and he doesn’t care. He wants everyone to know how much he loves her, and wants her to marry him. Brooke says yes, and they make out in the ring. Ray says he wants to marry her next week in front of everyone. They continue doing the worst fake make-out job in history as Hogan walks away, grunting.

End of show.

I don’t ever want to see Brooke Hogan, Bully Ray and Hulk Hogan involved in the same storyline ever again. This Hogan Family Verbal Fellatio Fest is too much to handle.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Gerri Davis Banner, NPC National Level Heavyweight and Masters Female Bodybuilder

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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TNA Impact Wrestling Results & January 3 Recap – Sting Returns

January 05, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Tonight, Sting returns. Again.

Jeremy Borash is in the ring, and we are opening the show with the winner of TNA Wrestler of the Year 2012. He introduces each potential winner, one-by-one. Bully Ray is out first, followed by James Storm, Austin Aries, Bobby Roode and finally Jeff Hardy. Gee, I wonder who will win this. The finalists are all on stage as Jeremy Borash, getting fatter by the second, announces the winner from the ring. Roode and Aries begin to storm the ring as JB announces Jeff Hardy as the winner. They’re both pissed as Hardy walks down to the ring to claim his trophy. Hardy says the trophy means as much to him as the World Championship does. He wanted to have a great 2012, and he did. Roode tells him to cut the crap. Did he just hear Hardy say people’s votes mean as much as the title? That’s a bunch of crap. When he was champion, there was nothing more important on L. Ron Hubbard’s green Earth than being champion. He didn’t care what anyone else thought of him. He set records and made history. He became the longest reigning champion in the history of the company, and the fact that he’ isn’t the Wrestler of the Year is a bunch of bullsh…Excuse me, one second. Aries cuts them both off with that line before calling the WOTY award rigged, and this is a fluke. He averaged 4 stars per match each time, and 2012 was “Total Nonstop Aries”. Hardy interrupts and challenges them both to a triple threat match for the World title at Genesis, then calls 2012 “Year of the Enigma”. Aries doesn’t like this, and clips Hardy’s knee out from behind. The two heels then stomp him down before fighting over who should beat him up. Roode holds Hardy up for Aries to bash him in the gut with the trophy, but Hardy moves, causing Aries to hit Roode. He then lays Aries out with the Twist of Fate before grabbing his broken trophy.

Tonight’s main event will be Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe vs. Devon and Thing 1 in a steel cage.

AI stops James Storm to ask about losing the WOTY award. Storm says to just put it on the list of things he needs to work harder at before Bad Influence interrupt him. Christopher Daniels does a Storm impersonation as Kaz interviews him. Storm fakes a laugh and says that he will be champion in 2013, and the only thing that has changed are the faces and asses of people he has to kick. He calls them dweebs, then tells Daniels he’ll kick him in his Twitter and punch Kaz in his Facebook, and before he “logs them both out”, he’s going to write his catchphrase all over their walls. Sweet Jebus. I hope I never hear anything that stupid on a television show ever again. Storm then spits in Daniels’ martini or whatever he’s drinking, then challenges one of them to a match. Kaz makes a lame joke about MySpace. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate Kaz and Storm?

MATCH 1: James Storm vs. Kazarian (w/Christopher Daniels)
Daniels makes it look like he’s going to be the one taking the match, but it turns out to be a distraction so Kaz can attack from behind. Kaz stomps Storm down in the corner, then fires off some rights. Storm comes back with punches, and he skins the cat after Kaz tries to throw him to the floor. Back in the ring, Storm ducks a clothesline and hits a Thesz Press with some punches. Clothesline by Storm before he sends Kaz to the floor. Storm hits a plancha to the floor, then gets distracted as Daniels talks some trash. Daniels slides into the ring, and Kaz uses the distraction to clothesline Storm on the floor. Daniels gets some cheap shots in before throwing Storm back in for 2. Kaz applies a rear chinlock, then whips Storm down by the hair and hits a legdrop. Storm hits Closing Time, then fires off more rights and hits a side-Russian legsweep. Up top, Storm hits a flying elbow for 2. Daniels distracts him for a moment, which allows Kaz to hit a seated dropkick in the corner. Kaz hits a TKO for 2. Storm hits another Closing Time, but Daniels jumps on the apron. Storm ducks a clothesline, then hits a kick to the back of the head on Daniels. He avoids a corner charge, and when Kaz tries to come off the middle rope, he jumps right into the Last Call for 3.

WINNER: James Storm.

In the Aces and Eights clubhouse, Devon is with Mr. Anderson, telling him he needs to make a decision right away. Anderson can’t fight what they’re giving him. Anderson says the harder they work to convince him, the more fun they have, so let’s all just chill and think about this for a little bit longer. Besides, he really enjoys their recruitment process.DOC walks up and asks him what the f*ck his answer is. Sting returns tonight, so they need an answer right now. Anderson says that, if they do this, none of them need to show Sting even an ounce of fear. He then hands DOC his hammer. Devon likes this, and says they need to go see what Sting has to say. He asks Thing 1 if he’s seen Devon’s bat, but Thing 1 hasn’t seen it. Boy, there’s a surprise.

Kenny King approaches Kid Kash in the back and calls him an X-Division legend, watching him back on VHS. There’s a 4-man tournament, with the winner facing RVD for the X-Division title. Kash is beating Christian York tonight while King beats Zema Ion next week, and they’ll face each other in the finals.

DOC heads out to the ring, hammer in hand. He wants to know where Sting is, and wants him to come down to join the party. It is 1-3-13, and Sting, you’ve been telling everyone who will listen that DOC is a marked man. He doesn’t feel like one, though. Come out and show yourself, Stinger. This is bullsh*t, and he’s tired of waiting. He’s wasting everyone’s time, so get out here right now and face the man who is going to cripple you once and for all. Everyone wants him out here, so this is his finally reckoning call. Sting, get your ass out here right now. A black bat drops from the ceiling into the ring, and DOC keeps demanding Sting come out.

AI stops Brooke Hogan outside the building, asking if she’s talked to her dad about what’s going on with her and Bully Ray. She says she hasn’t talked to him, but she’s on her way to find out what’s going on now.

MATCH 2-X-Division Tournament semifinal: Kid Kash vs. Christian York
Kash, like always, gets a jobber non-entrance. Kash attacks before York even gets in the ring, dropping him with a clothesline. York comes back with a discus punch before Kash rolls to the floor. He goes for a plancha, but Kash sees it coming and walks away. He pulls York to the floor, hits a chop and a hurricanrana from the ring. Back inside, York counters a springboard dive with a dropkick. York hits a kick from the apron and goes up top, but Kash moves out of the way. Kash goes for a waistlock, and York reverses, ducks a clothesline and hits a big boot. Half-nelson suplex connects and York looks for the Mood Swing, but Kash counters with kneelifts and hits the Bank Roll. Kash chokes York across the middle rope and hits some Tazface punches (yes, that’s what he really calls them). Kash mounts the middle turnbuckle and goes for the twisting moonsault, but York counters by getting his knees up. York fires off some kicks and hits a low complete shot for 2. Kash reverses the Mood Swing with a cradle for 2. He calls for the Money Maker, and York breaks free. Kash ducks a clothesline and goes for a backslide, but York rolls through and hits the Mood Swing for 3.

WINNER: Christian York.

Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez are in the back, talking about how they aren’t afraid of Matt Morgan and Joey Ryan. They’re the champions and aren’t scared of anyone.

The next match was supposed to be Hernandez vs. Matt Morgan, but Morgan comes out in a shoulder sling. He says he’s been dreaming about kicking Morgan’s ass so hard for days. But when you’re tossing 700 or 800 pounds around the gym like it’s your job, accidents and injuries happen. Come Genesis, he’ll be 100% though, and in order to do that, he’s going to sit this one out tonight and Joey Ryan is going to whip Hernandez’s ass.

MATCH 3: World Tag Team Co-Champion Hernandez (w/Chavo Guerrero) vs. Joey Ryan (w/Matt Morgan)
Ryan oils himself up and charges the ring, hitting some forearms. Hernandez comes back with a bodyslam. Over-the-shoulder backbreaker connects. Hernandez goes to the ropes, where Morgan holds onto his leg with the “bad” arm, proving that it’s fine. Ryan tries to suckerpunch him, but Hernandez ducks and connects with the Pounce. As Hernandez celebrates, Morgan hits him with a discus clothesline.

WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Hernandez. Morgan continues the attack on Hernandez before dropping Chavo with the Carbon Footprint.

Hulk Hogan is on his way to the ring.

Kurt Angle is in the back with the Wonder Twins. He thanks them for having his back, but tonight, Joe has got his back tonight, so he needs them to stay here. Garett Bischoff says he’d be more comfortable if they were out there, and Joe basically tells him to shut the hell up. Angle calms Joe down and tells him the Twins are trying to be respectful. He excuses them before turning to Joe, talking about Sting. He also says he promises to unmask every member of A and E, starting tonight.

We see footage of Tessy, Gail Kim, Tara and Mickie James stretching in various areas. They have a tag team match later tonight.

Hogan limps out to the ring and wants to get right to business. First off, he wants to apologize to everyone for not showing up last week, but he got caught off-guard when he saw Bully Ray and Brooke making out in the parking lot two weeks ago. Since Ray decided to make things public, he’s here, and he’d like to take care of business right now. He’d like to have both Ray and Brooke come out to the ring right now. Ray and Brooke come out together, with Brooke looking skanky as hell. Hogan tells Ray that Ray has been asking for respect for weeks. He’s seen Ray shaking hands in the back and trying to help the young guys, but at the end of the day, something wasn’t right to him. Month after month, he looks at Ray and wants to know the truth. There’s a code ethics in wrestling, and now that he knows where Ray and Brooke are really at, he wants to know why. Ray tells Hogan he’s right. He should have come clean with Hogan about himself and Brooke. It’s all on him. Hogan says he’s been trying to tell everyone he knows Ray is no good and what his MO is. When you talk about breaking the code, Ray doesn’t even belong in this business. As far as he’s concerned, Ray wanting all of this stuff from Hogan, since Ray broke the code and they’re not playing by the rules anymore, they’ll play by a new set of rules. A GM needs to do what he needs to do, so Ray is suspended indefinitely without pay. Hogan then turns to Brooke and tells her to get the hell out of his ring. She made her decision and needs to live with it. Ray grabs her by the hand, and they leave together.

Another Joe Abyss video. Danny Davis is now impressed with his dedication. I am so sick of this. Just reveal that Joe and Abyss are the same guy already. This is beyond stupid.

MATCH 4: Gail Kim and Knockouts Champion Tara (w/Jesse) vs. Mickie James and Miss Tessmacher
Tessy and Kim start the match, with Kim kicking her down right off the bat. Tessy comes back with a clothesline from the middle rope and a botched monkey flip. Tara knees Tessy in the back, which allows Kim to tag out. Tara grinds Tessy’s face on the rope. James makes the blind tag off an Irish whip. Tessy hits a snapmare, and James hits a running knee. She dropkicks Kim off the apron, and the heels are arguing on the floor as Tara is being consoled by Jesse. The faces head out, and hit a noggin knocker. Back in the ring, Taryn Terrell is trying to get Tessy back to the apron. Behind her, the heels beat James down. Tara covers her for a pin, getting 2. Tara applies a rear chinlock, but James fights out as we go to commercials.

Back from the break, Kim is now legal before she tags Tara in. Kim goes to whip Tara into James in the corner, but James moves out of the way and hits a clothesline on Kim. James has some of the worst-looking clotheslines in wrestling today, and her kicks are somehow even uglier. Tara tries to prevent her from tagging out, but is unsuccessful. Tessy does the usual hot tag offense, then botches the unholy hell out of the Shout Out in the corner. I can’t even begin to describe how ugly that move was. And there was no logical reason for it being botched, either. Tessy gives herself a wedgie and looks for the stinkface, but Tara rolls to the floor, where Jesse checks on her. From behind, Kim levels Tessy with a clothesline, and Tara slides back in for a choke. Hairmare by Tara before connecting with a backbreaker for 2. Kim tags in, who kicks Tessy in the corner. Kim hits a gutbuster for 2. Running clothesline for another 2. In the corner, Tessy avoids the body attack, sending Kim to the floor. Kim yanks James to the floor to prevent a tag, then gets back in the ring and begins slamming Tessy’s face into the mat. Tara tags in and hits the Arabian Facebuster for 2 before applying a modified surfboard. Tara hits the absolute weakest bodyslam in pro wrestling history before going for the standing moonsault, which is blocked by Tessy. Tessy ducks a clothesline and hits a swinging facebuster. James and Kim tag in, and James hits a Thesz Press. Tunacanrana connects, as does a neckbreaker for 2. Tara makes the save, so Tessy spears her to the floor. As Jesse is checking on her, Tessy comes off the top rope with a plancha to the floor. In the ring, Kim misses the corner body attack once more, and James hits the standing tornado DDT for 3.

WINNERS: Mickie James and Miss Tessmacher.

Back in the A and E clubhouse, DOC is pissed about Angle wanting to take their masks off. They need to remain anonymous. Those who have masks on need to stay that way. Black Scorpion agrees, saying they need to protect their masks with their lives.

ODB is talking about Sting taking care of A and E tonight. Her husband is out of the hospital, and he will be walking back into the Impact Zone at some point.

Bobby Roode and Austin Aries are in Hogan’s office, pissed off. Both think the three-way for Genesis is crap, but Hogan says it’s official, adding an elimination stipulation to it. Both guys continue arguing, so Hogan makes a match for next week: them vs. Jeff Hardy and a partner of his choosing.

MATCH 5-Cage Match: World Television Champion Devon and Thing 1 vs. Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle
As Angle is getting through the cage door, DOC comes from behind and slams the door across his back and pulls him to the floor. He padlocks the cage, turning this into a handicap match for the moment. DOC continues the attack on the outside as Joe begins fighting off both Devon and Thing. Joe hits the corner hip bump/spin kick combo on Devon, then stomps Thing down. Devon blocks a throw to the cage and holds Joe in place for Thing, but Joe ducks, causing Thing to clothesline Devon. Joe hits a kneelift in the corner on Thing, then gives him the Face Wash. Devon hits a misdirection forearm, and now the heels are double-teaming Joe. Angle is laid out on the ring steps. Joe fights off the heels until Devon rakes the eyes. Thing knees him in the corner as Angle is now up and trying to get into the cage, but Devon kicks the door into his face. In the ring, Devon hits an elbow drop as we go to commercials.

We’re back, and Joe is trying fight both off with punches and elbows. Joe hits Devon with an attack off the top (my feed was blurry, so I couldn’t really see it), then hits Thing with an exploder suplex. Angle begins climbing up the cage until DOC reappears and pulls him down. Angle fights him off, then takes the key for the lock. Angle does hot tag offense when he enters the cage, connecting with a middle rope dropkick on Thing. He goes for Thing’s mask, but DOC begins to enter the ring and slams the door on Angle’s head. Joe kicks the door into DOC’s face, and the heels double team him from behind. Avalanche by Thing in the corner, and we see that Angle is busted open. Of course he is. Thing drops him with a sidewalk slam, but Devon misses the diving headbutt. Joe recovers and takes Thing down, and now all four men are down. Angle gets up and hits the Murder-Suicide on Devon, then hits a German suplex on Thing. The faces take turns slamming Devon into the cage. Joe hits an inverted atomic drop on thing, followed by a kick to the face, and Angle connects with the Angle Slam for 3.

WINNERS: Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe. Angle goes for the mask, but is attacked from behind by Devon. Joe fights him off, but DOC enters the cage and takes Joe out with punches. Four more members of A and E enter the cage, and we see Mr. Anderson looking on from ringside. Swerve coming momentarily. A and E continue to destroy Angle and Joe until Sting enters the cage. He takes them all out with a baseball bat. He points at DOC, but DOC escapes. The faces isolate Thing in the cage, and Sting clobbers him with the bat. Angle gets the mask off, and it turns out Thing 1 is Mike Knox. Knox rolls to the floor as the rest of A and E try to cover his face up. The group leaves as the faces celebrate in the cage. Meanwhile, Mr. Anderson did absolutely nothing.

End of show.

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TNA Impact Wrestling Results & December 27 Recap

December 30, 2012 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Tonight is the final Open Fight Night of the year. I wish it was the final OFN ever.

The show opens with Bully Ray making his way down to the ring. He says it’s very obvious that over the past couple of months there is no doubt he and Hulk Hogan cannot get along. He doesn’t know what he has to do to prove to Hogan that he can be trusted? He has a lot of respect for Hogan, and since it’s OFN, he wants to call Hogan out. He doesn’t want a fight, though; he wants to talk. Hogan’s music hits, but he isn’t coming out. Eventually, Brooke Hogan skanks her way down to the ring. Ray wants to know where her dad is. Brooke says he’s not here, and he knows about her and Ray. Someone must’ve told him about them. They need to go see him, and she wants to show him that Ray is the man she knows him to be. After a couple seconds, the two leave together and continue discussing this crap up the ramp.

As the commentators are discussing tonight’s show, Austin Aries makes his way out for an OFN challenge. Aries is going to make this short and simple, as he isn’t getting paid by the hour. This is OFN, but last week, everyone saw he had Jeff Hardy defeated, and should be the World Champion. Everybody knows that A-Double is and will always be the main event. So, when he had Hardy pinned, the man he’s going to call out screwed him, and that man is Bobby Roode. He can’t be mad, though, because he did the same thing to Roode. Now they’re even, but they’re going to break that tie tonight and settle things in the ring, like men, unlike Jeff Hardy. They will see who truly deserves to face Hardy for the title. But we’re not going to do it right now. The only place Roode and Aries should be wrestling is in the main event. This will be the last main event of the year, so let’s do it right. Let’s take Roode and put him in the ring with Aries, and we’ll find out who will be the man to finally take Hardy out once and for all.

Samoa Joe is out next to make a challenge. Tonight is OFN, and he has come to pick a fight. Aces and Eights, it seems like every week, you send out a goon in a mask with a hammer to hit people from behind. Let’s see how well you do face-to-face. He calls the masked man out, and he’s not only going to choke him out, but he’s going to take the mask off as well.

MATCH 1: Samoa Joe vs. Thing 1
Joe immediately lays in some forearm shots, then fires off some rights. Joe hits the hip bump in the corner, followed by a spin kick to the head. Thing rakes the eyes, then hits a clothesline. Kicks and punches by Thing, followed by a choke over the middle rope. Thing drops a leg across the back of Joe’s neck in the ropes for 2. Rear chinlock is applied, but Joe elbows out. Thing stops him with a knee and an elbow, but misses an avalanche in the corner. Joe hits a step-up knee strike in the corner and sets Thing up for the Muscle Buster, but Thing punches Joe. He comes off the middle rope and Joe catches him in an inverted atomic drop. He follows up with a running boot and senton. He locks in the Kokina Clutch, and Thing passes out.

WINNER: Samoa Joe. Joe signals that he’ll take the mask off, but before that can happen, Brian Pillman and Thing 2 hit the ring. He boots them both down, then bails when Black Scorpion, Devon and DOC hit the ring.

We see the Robbies in the back, and E is saying tonight is their night to make names for themselves. Jesse walks by on his cellphone, and E calls him a hamster. He asks where Tara is, bro. Jesse calls E a girl. They call each other bro and dude approximately 812 times each. Jesse says these are fighting words, so E challenges Jesse to a “Bro Off”, since this is OFN. I think everyone’s IQ just dropped about 10 points after witnessing that exchange.

Kenny King and Christian York in the back, and King is complementing York on his work since joining TNA. He tells York to take notes on King’s match tonight when he beats RVD one more time.

The Robbies make their way out, and E calls this “Open Bro Night”, because he’s calling out the fake Robbie E, that being Jesse Godderz. Get out here, Jesse, so he can show you what it’s like to be a real bro. Jesse and Tara head out to the ring, and Jesse calls E “scooter”. E says this is a “Bro Off”, bro, and there’s three rules: 1) It’s every bro for themselves, bro. Rule B) Everything you do has to end in a bro. Because E is the bro veteran, bro, he’s going to go first, bro. DJ, hit his music, bro. He forgot rule 3. Anyway, this is one of the worst things I’ve ever seen on TNA, and that’s saying something. Basically, the segment is a dance competition. Jesse thinks he’s Chris Masters, too. I hate this company. E says Jesse wasn’t as bad as he thought. There were two problems: first, it’s bros, not hoes. Problem number 3, Jesse is DQ’ed for ending his routine with “dude” and not “bro”. E announces himself as the winner, but T interrupts and says there’s one more bro to go. He then does a bunch of posing. Kill me now. T then begins dancing. Seriously. Kill me now.

Up next, RVD makes his OFN challenge.

RVD makes his way out, and the World X-Division Champion says his efforts have elevated the X-Division to a new level. To continue on that path, he needs to confront uprising issues as he’s able, like he can on OFN. He says the person he’s going to call out is new and has everyone talking. Everyone wants to see this, so come on out…Christian York.

MATCH 2: World X-Division Champion Rob Van Dam vs. Christian York (non-title)
Standing switch to start, and York takes RVD down with a dropkick to the knee. Crisscross ends with a punch by RVD, but he misses a spin kick, and York capitalizes with a half-nelson suplex. RVD blocks a kick, but York spins through and nails a different kick. A headscissors takes RVD to the floor. Back in, York hits a missile dropkick to the back. He calls for the Mood Swing, but RVD escapes. York ducks a clothesline and hits the Mood Swing for 2. RVD comes back with some forearms and sends York into the corner. York mounts the middle rope and catches RVD with a knee to the face as he attempts a monkey flip. York goes for the pin, getting 2. Up top once more, but RVD knocks York to the apron. York shoulders an incoming RVD, then goes back up top again, hitting a double stomp to the back for 2. York misses the Dreamscape, and now they trade punches. RVD counters a headscissors out of the corner and hits a sidewalk slam. Split-legged moonsault by RVD gets 2. RVD blocks a roll-up and hits a springboard sidekick, followed by Rolling Thunder. RVD hits the Five-Star Frog Splash, and this one’s over.

WINNER: Rob Van Dam.

We’re now in the Aces and Eights clubhouse. Devon is telling the gang that, whoever this guy is he has in mind to add, needs to be added. He’s just who they’re looking for, and they need to make him feel welcome. DOC enters the room with two strippers, and Devon wants to know if things will work out. He says they’ll work out just fine.

Yet another Joe Abyss/OVW training video.

We see Christopher Daniels enter some area full of merchandise, and Kazarian is setting things up on a table. They’re wondering where their merchandise as a team is. AI asks what their plan is, and Daniels says that, although Christmas is over, they’ve got one more present to give to everyone. Kaz grabs a stack of AJ Styles shirts before leaving with Daniels.

Bobby Roode is now talking to AI about tonight. He knew Aries would call him out, as he’s predictable. After he beats Aries, he’s going to walk into Genesis and take the belt from Jeff Hardy.

1.3.13 video. It’s for Sting. Again. I guess TNA forgot they did this exact same thing about two years ago.

Christopher Daniels dances his way down to the ring to make the next OFN challenge. Greetings and salutations, all you ham sandwiches (??). Now, everyone knows him. He’s not just the face of Impact Wrestling; he’s a ring general, a national treasure, and the man with the rear that makes the girls cheer. Everyone knows he had a great 2012, and he wants to give back to all the little people. He knows everyone’s sad AJ Styles hasn’t been around in a while, so his present to everyone tonight involves AJ. He knew it was supposed to be one last time, but that will never be the case. So, let’s do this one more time, AJ. AJ’s music hits, but it turns out to be Kaz wearing AJ’s ring gear. Daniels asks if he’s ready to do this one last time, again? Kaz does a lame AJ impersonation in response, basically saying he can’t beat Daniels, no matter how hard he tries. He then makes a reference to Claire Lynch, and Daniels cuts him off, saying no one wants that. He apologizes, saying we won’t get AJ/Daniels one more last time, but the audience does have permission to worship them now. Chavo Guerrero’s music hits, and he & Hernandez make their way out. Chavo calls them clowns, having fun at everyone else’s expense. He thinks their 2012 was a little better than Bad Influence’s, and seeing that this is OFN, they’re going to make sure Bad Influence’s year ends bad, with a foot up the rear.

MATCH 3: Bad Influence (Christopher Daniels and Kazarian) vs. World Tag Team Champions Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez (non-title)
Bad Influence attack the champs as they’re entering the ring. The champs reverse a double whip, sending the heels into each other. Chavo then hits Kaz with a dropkick. Double back elbow by the champs, followed by a hilo by Chavo and a splash by Hernandez for 2. Chavo tags in and hits a tope con hilo off a bodyslam by Hernandez. Kaz rakes the eyes and tags in Daniels, who runs into a hip toss. Hernandez tags in and hits a bearhug suplex. Chavo back in, who hits a double axe handle to the back. Chavo beats Daniels down in the corner, and Hernandez is back in. He bodyslams Chavo onto Daniels before hitting a low dropkick. Hernandez shoulders Daniels in the corner, then hits an avalanche. He applies a front chancery before letting go and hitting a back body drop. Commercials.

We’re back, and Hernandez is hitting a delayed vertical suplex on Daniels. Kaz grabs Hernandez from behind after the move, holding him in place for Daniels, but Hernandez ducks, causing Daniels to knock Kaz off the apron and to the floor. He follows up by clotheslining Daniels to the floor. Back in, Hernandez misses the slingshot shoulderblock. Daniels clubs Hernandez across the back, then tags in Kaz, who hits some mounted punches. Daniels back in, and they hit a double corner whip. Daniels tags in Kaz, and they hit the slingshot elbow/legdrop combo for 1. Kaz applies a front chancery before sending Hernandez to his team’s corner. He reapplies the front chancery, then hits some forearms in the corner. Daniels back in, and he hits a forearm in the corner before Kaz hits a spinning heel kick for 1. Daniels rakes the eyes and goes for some corner punches, but Hernandez shoves him off and hits a Pounce. Kaz and Chavo tag in, and Chavo does the typical hot tag moves. Monkey flip out of the corner, followed by a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for 2. Chavo goes for the 3 Amigos and twists on the third suplex for 2 as Daniels breaks up the pin. The heels hit the Hart Attack for 2. They go for a double back body drop, but Hernandez holds onto Chavo’s foot, and he winds up back dropping Kaz to the floor before hiptossing Daniels over. Chavo hits a suicide dive to the outside, followed by Supermex by Hernandez. Back in, Chavo hits another tope con hilo on Kaz for 2. Kaz fights Chavo off in the corner from the apron, but misses the Superman. Chavo goes up top and hits the frog splash for 3.

WINNERS: Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez.

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AI is asking Jeff Hardy about his levels of respect for Roode and Aries. Hardy calls them both great in the ring, but outside the ring, he doesn’t care for either of them at all. AI asks about his plan for revenge. Hardy says it will come soon, but he’ll enjoy them beating each other first.

Video package for Aces and Eights.

We’re back in A and E’s clubhouse, and we see DOC, Black Scorpion and Devon talking to someone off-camera. BS is glad this person agreed to see them. Devon says he’s the right man for the job. BS says he has to give Devon some credit-he thought he could bring some assholes in to do the job. The camera pans over to see that Mr. Anderson is the mystery man. Anderson recalls what happened the last time they met, but Devon assured him he’d be safe here, so he’s all ears. Devon says this will be tough. They have a certain agenda that needs to be attended to. It might be physical, then…even more physical. Devon says this as the third-rate strippers begin fawning over Anderson. Anderson says they drive a hard bargain, but this is something he really wants to do. He asks for some time to think about it, and Devon agrees as Anderson leaves with the strippers.

Gail Kim is the next one out to make a challenge. Tonight is OFN, and she knows exactly who she’s calling out. 2012 was her year. She was the longest-reigning KO champion in the history of TNA until someone ended her reign with a fluke victory. So, she’s ready to end that chapter and erase those bad memories before she regains her gold in 2013. So, she’s calling out Miss Tessmacher.

MATCH 4: Gail Kim vs. Miss Tessmacher
Lock-up to start the match, with Kim hitting a takedown. Another lock-up, and Kim turns it into an arm wringer before turning it into a keylock. Tessy counters with a jackknife for 1. Kim misses a charge in the corner, and Tessy stomps her down. Tessy hits the corner hip bump and follows up with the Stinkface. Kim rolls to the apron, where Tessy clotheslines her to the floor. Tessy throws her back in, and Kim cuts her off on re-entry. Back suplex by Kim gets 2. Kim props her up in the corner and goes for a super hurricanrana, but Tessy holds onto the ropes, sending Kim crashing to the mat. Tessy locks in a hanging Dragon Sleeper, then hits a flying clothesline for 2. Kim kicks her in the head, sends Tessy into the corner and follows up with the body attack through the ropes. Kim whips Tessy down by the hair, then rubs her ass in Tessy’s face. She goes for another back suplex, but Tessy counters into a bulldog. Tessy fires off some rights, a couple clotheslines, a forearm and a hurricanrana. She shoves her crotch in Kim’s face in the corner, then hits a Shout-Out for 2. She goes for the Brooke Shield, but Kim hits an elbow to the back of the head to break it. Tessy blocks a clothesline and hits a hooking clothesline before going up top. She misses a flying elbow, and Kim hits her with Eat Defeat for the 3.

WINNER: Gail Kim.

Austin Aries and Bobby Roode are headed to the ring. The main event is up next.

MATCH 5: Bobby Roode vs. Austin Aries
Lock-up starts the match, they get a clean break in the corner, then duck each other’s strikes. Roode applies a hammerlock, and Aries counters into one of his own. Roode hits a drop toehold and applies a front chancery. Aries reverses and does the same thing, then slaps Roode across the back. They boot each other off a handshake, and now we’re back to a lock-up. Roode turns it into a side headlock before shouldering Aries down. They start a crisscross, but Aries goes down, feigning a knee injury. Roode isn’t buying it, and kicks Aries in the knee. Roode’ left ear is bleeding for some reason. Aries comes back and sends Roode to the floor. He goes for the suicide dive, but Roode is back in the ring before it happens. They shove each other as we go to commercials.

Oh, wait. Before that can happen, we see Jeff Hardy watching this match, and we get one of his dumba#$ inner monologue promos. I hate this crap. Total bush league.

We’re back, and Aries is in control with punches. Roode comes back with a suplex, but misses a jumping knee. Hardy seems to be gone, which I guess means that stupid clip was pre-recorded. Brilliant. Anyway, Aries misses a jumping elbow, and Roode sets him up top. Aries fights him off and they box each other’s ears. Eventually, Aries gets the best of it, knocking Roode back down to the mat. Aries misses the missile dropkick, and Roode calls for the spear. He goes for it, but Aries counters into the Last Chancery in a beautiful spot. Roode breaks the hold by raking the eyes, then applies the Bowflex. Aries goes to the eyes this time, breaking the hold. Roode fires off some rights in the corner, and they begin trading strikes. Roode begs off, then sneaks in a pin with his feet on the ropes. The ref sees it and calls for the break. Aries then rolls Roode up with a handful of tights, and the ref once again sees it, calling for a break. Aries argues with the ref, and turns around right into a spinebuster by Roode for 2. Roode goes outside for a chair, but it gets taken away. As Roode is now arguing with the ref, Aries blasts him with the rolling elbow for 2. Aries goes outside for the chair, and referee Earl Hebner gets it from him. Aries begins to argue, and Roode does the same thing. They decide to double boot Hebner in the gut and throw him to the floor. They start to fight over the chair as Jeff Hardy’s music hits. He comes in from behind and drops them both with a double clothesline. Aries gets clotheslined to the floor, and Roode is hit with the Twist of Fate.

End of show.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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TNA Impact Wrestling Results & December 20 Recap

December 22, 2012 By: Category: Videos, WWE | Pro Wrestling

This week’s TNA Impact Wrestling starts with a message to the victims of the Sandy Hook shooting, which is a nice touch.

We see footage from earlier today of Austin Aries and Jeff Hardy entering the building. They face off in the main event tonight, with the World title on the line. This is “Championship Thursday”, which means we’ll see several pointless deliberations over who should get a title match. The title in question tonight is the KO title, and the potential challengers are Velvet Sky, ODB, Mickie James and Miss Tessmacher. I’ve decided that I’m not recapping the deliberation segments on these episodes anymore. They are beyond pointless, as is the entire idea behind the segments, especially when you consider that a title has never changed hands as a result.

The show is going to kick off with a TV title match.

MATCH 1-World Television Championship: Kurt Angle vs. Devon (Champion)
Angle’s left knee is taped up and he is limping his way down to the ring. Before Devon can be introduced, Angle says he’s looking for a title match, and the only title he wants is the one held by those sonsofbitches who attacked him, the Aces and Eights. Devon, get your ass out here. Devon makes his way out with DOC, Black Scorpion, Thing 1 & Thing 2. Angle says Devon had to bring his pack with him. If Devon wants to play that way, he’s got a pack of his own. Samoa Joe and the Wonder Twins make their way out to even things up. Angle backs Devon into the corner with a lock-up, so Devon boots him and applies a side headlock. Devon shoulders him off the ropes and misses an elbow drop. Angle gets him in a waistlock, and Devon elbows out, so Angle clotheslines him. Rights by Angle. Devon charges at Angle, but Angle moves, sending Devon through the ropes and to the floor. The two groups get in each other’s faces and a brawl breaks out. The referee gets between them and sends both groups to the back. Meanwhile, Devon gets back in the ring and clips Angle’s bad knee. Commercials.

Back from the break, Devon is dropping elbows on the bad knee before applying a legbar. He drops down on the knee from the ropes and goes for the pin, getting 2. Spinning toe hold is applied, but Angle kicks him off. Devon manages to clip the knee again after Angle gets back up. Angle manages to get up again and fire off some rights, so Devon thumbs him in the eye and sends him to the corner. Angle blocks a charge with his elbow, and follows up with a second rope dropkick. Angle hits a clothesline and an overhead belly-to-belly for 2. Devon escapes the Angle Slam and hits the standing spinebuster for 2. Angle ducks a clothesline and hits the Murder-Suicide. Ankle lock is applied, but before Devon can tap, DOC, Black Scorpion and Thing 1 come out and distract the referee. Joe and the Wonder Twins also return to chase them off, and as the referee gets between them once more, Thing 2 comes into the ring and hits Angle across the back with a metal pipe. Devon crawls into the cover and gets the 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Devon.

We get the first deliberation segment, and since it’s the KO division, Brooke Hogan is in charge of who gets the shot tonight. She eliminates ODB, since ODB should be focused on her injured husband.

AI is asking Kenny King what happened last week. King says he won, that’s what happened. King beat RVD, and that’s all. He’s got no beef with Rob. This is where dreams come true. It was a dream to wrestle RVD, and it’ll be a dream to tag with him tonight.

MATCH 2: Matt Morgan and Joey Ryan vs. Kenny King and World X-Division Champion Rob Van Dam
RVD and Ryan start the match, and Ryan immediately kicks RVD in the knee. RVD comes back with a clothesline and a jumping roundhouse. Standing moonsault gets 2. King tags in, and he applies a side headlock. Ryan reverses into a hammerlock. King breaks it and hits a Japanese armdrag. Ryan makes a blind tag before ducking a roundhouse, and Morgan comes in to nail a clothesline. Morgan hits a kneelift, then applies a surfboard stretch through the ropes. Morgan drops King with a headbutt before tagging in Ryan, who chokes King in the corner with his foot. King fires off some punches before Ryan pretends like he got thumbed in the eye. The ref checks on him, which allows Morgan to hit an inverted chokeslam into the turnbuckles. Morgan tags in, and does a foot choke in the corner. Corner whip and a sidewalk slam by Morgan. Ryan in, and he sends King into the corner. King counters out of the corner with a sunset flip, getting 2. King ducks a clothesline and makes the hot tag to RVD. Kicks by RVD, and the faces hit a double dropkick on Morgan. King hits an atomic drop on Ryan, followed by a spin kick to the back of his head. Morgan comes in, and before he can attack King, King bails on the match. Morgan hits the Carbon Footprint on RVD, and Ryan picks up the easy 3.

WINNERS: Matt Morgan and Joey Ryan. Morgan might have the worst bicycle kick in wrestling.

Another vignette. This time, it says, “The time for forgiveness is over…There is no appeasement. They will be judged. The answer is close. 1.3.13”

AI asks Kaz about AJ Styles walking away. He doesn’t feel anything about it. We’re five days from Christmas, and it’s his favorite time of the year. Tonight, he has a surprise for his fans, and they’re going to see how gracious he is, and how he treats his very best friend in the world. Before he can finish, someone named Nick calls him on his phone.

Hulk Hogan makes his way out into the Impact Zone. He says the fans make him feel like he’s 18 again, brother. 2012 has been a great year for TNA, and he’s seen this teeny tiny company start to grow into a full-fledged monster. What is so cool about it is there is so much talent in the back room. It’s hard to decide who’s the greatest of the great back there. That’s why he’s giving the fans the chance to vote for the Impact Wrestler of the Year. And, on a special episode of Impact on January 3rd, he’ll announce the winner. Before he can continue, A and E make their way to ringside. Devon starts to talk, but Hogan says no. If he’s so tough, come out here by himself, brother. Devon says Hogan has been telling so many lies, he must honestly believe them. 2012 was his year? No. 2012 was the year A and E was born. 2012 was the year A and E beat the hell out of every single one of the TNA so-called wrestlers back there. It goes like this: this club represents the truth, not the garbage Hogan’s been telling everyone. 2013 will be the year for A and E, and it will also be the year A and E are revealed and gold is accomplished, and Hogan won’t be here to see any of it unfold. The six of them surround the ring, but before anything can happen, Bully Ray runs down, causing the group to scatter. Hogan and Ray have a face-off before Hogan blows him off and leaves the ring.

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AI is talking to Jeff Hardy in his locker room. He tells Austin Aries he proved himself to Hardy in their feud, but now he sees Aries’ true colors. He paid some people off to hurt Hardy. He’s not a hard man to find. Hardy beat him twice, and will beat him again.

Deliberation segment #2. Tessmacher is eliminated, because she apparently has experience. I’m not kidding. This is what was discussed.

We see Kaz carrying some presents in the back. He’s headed to the ring next.

Kaz makes his way out to the Impact Zone, presents still in hand. In the ring, there is a tree with more gifts underneath, as well as a throne. He calls the fans “a$#goblins”, and they can’t ruin his mood this evening. We’re days away from Christmas, and he’s in the holiday spirit. He points out the tree has two stars on top (pictures of both members of Bad Influence), then brings out Christopher Daniels. Kind of pointless for them to come out separately when they have the same entrance theme. Their “video” is nothing but Daniels’ logo, spinning. Kaz doesn’t even rank high enough to be a part of the graphic. Not that I’m complaining. Kaz sucks. Daniels sits on the throne. Since he’s been such a dear friend to Kaz and is such a trustworthy, honest saint of a man, he’s arranged for a special visitor to come see him. That guest is the man with the biggest sack Kaz has ever seen, that being Santa Claus. Oh, I see what he did there. Testicle jokes. Hilarious. Well, he did train with John Cena and The Miz, so I guess I shouldn’t expect any less. TNA’s version of Santa was too lazy to make himself look fat. God. Even the company’s Santa is low-rent. Kaz says that, since Santa is always giving presents to everyone, being so generous, Bad Influence got him a gift. Santa opens it, and it’s a pair of Zubaz. Kaz says Santa has a question for Daniels, so Daniels sits on his lap as Kaz takes a picture. Santa then asks Daniels if he’s been a good boy this year. Daniels says he has, by getting rid of AJ Styles, the biggest loser in TNA history. Santa says that, since Bad Influence has given the fans what they want all year long, he’s going to grant Daniels a wish. Daniels says it’s about the gifts you give, so he wants to give his wish to someone who really needs it. He asks Santa to give anything to AJ Styles’ kids. He’s such a loser, he won’t be able to give them anything at all.

James Storm’s music hits, and he says he was listening to Bad Influence make a mockery of Christmas. They can talk about AJ all they want, but when they run down Christmas, it’s not going to happen on his watch. Daniels tells Santa that Storm is the exact reason AJ can’t wrestle for the World title for a year, so make sure to put Storm on the naughty list. Storm says he’s going to the ring to give Santa a reason to put him on the naughty list. Storm starts to tear the decorations apart, but Santa tells him, “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” For some reason, Storm thinks this is suspicious, and wants to know who Santa really is. Santa says he’s Santa, so Storm says that, when he was six, he didn’t get the Red Rider BB gun he asked for, before he begins quoting the film “A Christmas Story”. End this G.D. segment already. He lists off some other crap he wanted when he was younger. He understands Santa is busy this time of year, so he’s going to make this easy. If this guy is the real Santa, then answer a question: last year, what did Storm ask for on Christmas? Santa says a Travis Tritt CD. Storm says that was close, but it was really a case of beer. He lays Santa out with the Last Call. What a huge waste of time.

Austin Aries is in the back, and he makes a joke about not hearing his inner thoughts. He’s got a title match tonight, and it was easy, because Hardy challenged him. That was the biggest mistake of Hardy’s career. This is a wrestling match, Aries’ specialty. He’ll win the title tonight and prove he’s the greatest wrestler in the universe.

Another vignette. This time it’s, one of the ones we’ve seen in previous weeks. We then see video of Sting, solving the mystery. Same crap they pulled last time. This company has no originality.

We’re now in the A and E clubhouse. Black Scorpion wants to know what the hell happened out there with Hogan. They had him where they wanted him until Bully Ray ran down. They need numbers and bodies. Thing 1 (Mike Knox, I believe) asks him if he’s going to hand out patches to every guy that comes along, wanting to be in the group. He bleeds for this club. Devon interjects, saying he’s got someone who might be able to do this. Scorpion wants muscle, not new prospects. Devon says this guy is pissed off enough to do this. They take a vote, and everyone votes “Yea”.

Deliberation #3. Brooke Hogan gives the match to Mickie James.

MATCH 3-Knockouts Championship: Mickie James vs. Tara (Champion, w/Jesse)
These two immediately botch a lock-up (HOWTHEF*CKDOESTHATHAPPEN?!) before James rolls Tara up in a schoolgirl for 2. Jackknife by James for another 2. Tara bridges out and goes for a backslide, but James flips off of it and hits some forearms. She blocks a hip toss and turns it into a victory roll for 2. Tara nails some forearms, but James ducks a clothesline, hits a snapmare and goes for a dropkick. Jesse trips her behind Taryn Terrell’s back, and Tara goes for the pin, getting 2. Tara hits a hairmare for another 2, then goes for the pin again, getting another 2. Another pin, another 2. Tara hangs James by the hair, then grinds her face into the mat. She slams James’ face into the mat a couple times, then covers her for 2. Tara picks her up and hits some shoulder thrusts in the corner, then sends her hard into the opposite corner. Tara goes for another pin, getting 2. This match is sh*t. Tara applies a modified surfboard. James fights out, and Tara grabs her in the Spider’s Web. James counters into a spinning headscissors, then ties her up with a crucifix for 2. Tara pops up and hits a powerslam for 2. James blocks the standing moonsault, and the two trade slaps. James hits some more forearms hits a mule kick and a crane kick, a couple clotheslines, a forearm, and a neckbreaker for 2. Tara punches her and goes for the Widow’s Peak. James slides out and hits the standing tornado DDT, but Jesse pulls Tara to the floor on the pin. They decide to head to the back and take a count-out, but James hits a Thesz Press to the floor on Jesse before that happens. Tara crawls back in the ring, and as James comes back in, Jesse grabs her foot. Tara uses the distraction to botch an inverted atomic drop, and James lands with her leg bent backwards. Tara gets the 3.

WINNER: Tara. An inverted atomic drop? Are you jerking me? Honestly, this is one of the worst women’s matches I’ve seen in a long time, and that says a hell of a lot.

We get a video of Joe Abyss training in OVW from earlier this week. Hey, remember when he was looking for his “brother”, and he returned one week, then someone else came out dressed up in his gear a week later, and then nothing else happened after that? Man, that was a great storyline. The best part of this video is Danny Davis showing him how to fake a forearm shot. Way to break the fourth wall, guys. One of the other trainees accidentally nails Joe in the face and splits him open, so Joe goes nuts and hits the Black Hole Slam.

MATCH 4-World Championship: Austin Aries vs. Jeff Hardy (Champion)
Thankfully, this should be the last bit of the night. Recapping this episode has been a major chore. They start with a lock-up, and Aries gives him a clean break in the corner. Another lock-up, and Hardy tries to give the clean break, but Aries knees him. Hardy fights back and sends him into the corner. Bodyslam gets 1. Aries hits a bodyslam of his own and goes for a tope con hilo, but Hardy blocks it with his knees. Snapmare by Hardy, and a dropkick to the back gets 2. Hardy hits some mounted punches in the corner, then punches him through the ropes, sending him to the floor. Aries eventually gets back in on his own, hits a knee lift and a clothesline for 2. Aries goes for the brainbuster, but Hardy fights out and clotheslines him to the floor. Hardy goes for a dive off the apron, but Aries moves, causing Hardy to crash into the guardrail. Aries is back in the ring as we go to commercials.

Back from the break, Aries hits the tope con hilo on the second attempt, getting 2. Aries with a double stomp to the face, then hits a slingshot elbow for another near-fall. Aries applies a rear chinlock, then whips Hardy down by the neck as he tries to fight out. Fist drop by Aries for another 2. He hits some shots to the back, then reapplies the chinlock. Hardy gets to the ropes, and Aries continues the attack on the back. Aries sets Hardy against the buckles, where he punches him down. Hardy counters a corner whip with a headscissors, sending Aries into the buckles. Hardy is back up first and goes for the middle rope splash, but Aries gets the knees up and gets 2. Aries goes for the brainbuster, but Hardy counters with the sit-out gourdbuster. Hardy hits a flying forearm off the ropes and a front powerslam near the corner. Splash connects this time, getting 2. Aries shoves off a Twist of Fate attempt, sending Hardy into the corner. Hardy goes for the headscissors spot again, but Aries shoves him off, causing him to crotch himself on the top rope and bounce back to the mat. Aries hits a rolling elbow in the corner and follows up with a running dropkick for 2. Aries goes for the brainbuster yet again, but Hardy slides out, kicks Aries in the back and shoves him to the ropes for a roll-up. Aries holds onto the ropes, but turns around into the Alley-Oop by Hardy for 2. The two trade blows in the corner, and Aries sends Hardy to the opposite corner. Hardy blocks the charge and goes for Botch in the Wind, but Aries moves out of the way, sending Hardy crashing to the mat. Aries looks for the brainbuster once more, and Hardy counters with a knee to the head. He fights out with punches before slamming Aries’ face into the top buckle. Hardy hits the sit-out Twist of Fate, and Aries falls backwards into the corner. He goes for it again, and Aries pushes him off. He hits a back elbow out of the corner and goes for a dive from the middle rope, and Hardy counters with an inverted atomic drop. He follows up with the double legdrop, but Aries kicks him off before he can hit the move, causing Hardy to crash into the referee in the process. Hardy checks on the ref, so Aries low blows him. Brainbuster connects, and then Aries begins calling for another referee. Aries rolls Hardy up, thinking a referee is on his way, but instead, it’s Bobby Roode. Aries doesn’t see him, and Roode attempts the count. He counts 2, then stops. Aries turns around to see what the hell is going on, and when he faces Roode, Roode flips him off and hits him with a spinebuster. Roode leaves as the ref is getting up, and Hardy hits the Twist of Fate. He calls for the swanton bomb, which connects for 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Jeff Hardy.

AI stops Hulk Hogan in the back as he’s leaving, asking about the world title picture. Hogan says it’s chaos, and it’s his first goal in 2013 to straighten it out. AI asks about Aces and Eights and his daughter, so Hogan tells him not to worry about it. Hogan turns around and sees Brooke and Bully Ray making out against a car a few feet away. As AI continues to ask questions, Hogan gets in his car and drives away.

End of show.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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