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Flashback: WWE Survivor Series 1994 Review

April 19, 2012 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

WWF Survivor Series 1994Wednesday, November 23rd, 1994 – Freeman Coliseum – San Antonio, Texas – Welcome to the eight annual WWE Survivor Series! This will be the last Survivor Series to be either on Thanksgiving night or Thanksgiving eve. I’m sad they moved it from Wednesday or Thursday night for this event tradition.

We are opened to seeing backstage discussions between the Survivor Series teams. I really enjoyed seeing these segments, to help introduce the teams we’ll be seeing do battle later.

Vince McMahon and Gorilla Monsoon are doing color commentating for this pay-per-view. I find this announce team to be very odd because both men are known for being the lead play-by-play men. Will see how these two men mesh together for this event. I’ll definitely will complain about it if I feel needed.

The Teamsters (WWF Tag Team Champions Diesel and Shawn Michaels, Jeff Jarrett, Owen Hart, and Jim Neidhart) versus the Bad Guys (WWF Intercontinental Champion Razor Ramon, 1-2-3 Kid, British Bulldog, and the Headshrinkers)

I’ve mentioned it before but I always enjoyed the five-on-five elimination matches. I guess Razor Ramon took the Intercontinental Championship from Diesel at SummerSlam that year when Shawn Michaels nailed Diesel with the Sweet Chin Music. Poor Diesel. At least they’ve been building their break up pretty well

1-2-3 Kid and Jim Neidhart start the match and start the card with being the first two men to lock-up. A classic way to start off the pay-per-view with a lightning quick wrestler against a power-house superstar.

So far, the announce team of McMahon and Monsoon aren’t as bad as I expected them to be. It’s odd for me to hear the main play-by-play man from the 80’s take a back seat to McMahon. I guess when he’s the boss; he can make anyone do anything he wants them to do. Right Jim Ross?

Thinking of it, it’s nice to see Jeff Jarrett do the “Nature Boy” strut. McMahon and Monsoon mentioned during the match that Jarrett is putting out a CD (yes, in 1994) called “Ain’t I Great?” Monsoon had a great line and said that it’s on the NAA labels, meaning “Not Available Anywhere.” Good wit Monsoon, really great line.

Double J slapped on the abdominal stretch onto the Kid. Another move I wish would be used more often these days. Shawn Michaels helped Jarrett and pulled his arm to give him more leverage. The ref caught him but didn’t break the hold. Then Jarrett grabbed the ropes and the ref called him out on it and Kid hip-tossed him out of the ring.

Diesel hit the Jacknife Powerbowb on Fatu, which was a pretty impressive sight, to give us the first elimination of the night. The Kid came in right away and got Jacknifed and eliminated right away. Diesel must be running on full steam this night. The other Headsrinker came in and got Jacknifed too and eliminated. Easily eliminated 60 percent of the opposing team. Great way to put over one-half of the World Tag Team Champions.

The Bulldog got eliminated, leaving Razor Ramon being the last man against the full five-man Teamsters. Wow, I’m very surprised that the heels are getting such good lead on the face team.

Ramon was gonna try to put Diesel in the Razor’s Edge and Diesel countered with a back-drop.

Big Daddy Cool hit the Jacknife on Ramon and Michaels finally came in for the first time for the match. Michaels asked Diesel to tie his arms behind his back for the Super Kick and Razor ducked and got Diesel got nailed with the kick. Diesel Hulked-Up and took out his team and chased HBK out of the ring and the whole team got counted out, eliminated the whole team, giving Razor the victory.

Sole Survivor: Razor Ramon

To be honest, I find this way a great way to make the break up between Diesel and Shawn Michaels to be huge but a cheap way to eliminate the whole team. By all rights the Teamsters should have won. But they were trying to tell a story and what a great story they were telling.

Todd Pettengill tried to interview Michaels and Michaels said that he made Diesel and he’s finished with him.

The Royal Family (Jerry Lawler, Cheesy, Sleazy, and Queasy) versus Clowns R’ Us (Doink, Dink, Wink, and Pink)

Lawler grabbed the mic and told them to respect loyalty and he better not hear a “Burger King” chant. I miss heel Lawler. When the clowns came out, all the mini-clowns had different color wigs on, which was very helpful to separate them. I’m not gonna try to memorize which mini-clown is which, so if I don’t list who got eliminated, I apologize, I didn’t hear the announcers call the name on who got eliminated. I’ll do that with the mini-Royal Family.

Doink and the King start out the match for this Survivor Series team.

A funny sight was Lawler’s team mates ran over him when Doink held him down. I guess it’s nice to have a comedy match every once in a while at Survivor Series.

A personal observation: at the first match, there were empty seats on the side that’s opposing the camera and by this match; most of them are filled up. I guess they missed the memo to be on time at a WWF event.

This Survivor Series match is extremely different from the last, but like mentioned, it’s nice to have a comedy Survivor Series match thrown into the mix.

The little clowns were chasing the little Kings around the apron the ring. When this was happening, Lawler eliminated Doink.

One of Lawler’s men defeated one of the mini-clowns. How sad!

A second of Lawler’s men defeated another one of the mini-clowns. It’s almost over for the clowns.

After a distraction from Lawler, the first team so far this event that was able be undefeated, Lawler’s team won!

Sole Survivors: The Royal Family

Todd Pettengill interviews Bull Nakano , the new WWF Women’s Champ, who won the title the Saturday before this event, in her own country. Good for Bull Nakano for winning a United States Women’s title.

Submission match for the World Wrestling Federation Championship: Bret “the Hitman” Hart (WWF Champ) versus Bob Backlund

Owen Hart is in the corner for Mr. Bob Backlund and the British Bulldog is in the corner for Bret Hart. A personal note: Mr. Backlund is from Princeton, Minnesota, which is about a 45 minute drive from me where I write this piece. Yeah for Minnesotans and yeah for St. Cloud, Minnesota!

One thing I am bothered at is there’s no explanation for title defenses like what happened here. Granted Monsoon did say that for the first time in history the WWF title is being defending a submission match but I got no explanation on why Bret Hart is defending the title against his opponent who didn’t hold the title in 11 years before this event. I’m happy now there are video packages to explain the story,

I’m really impressed that this match has been a technical match-up. Even back then matches like this were rare, which is nice to see.

McMahon mentions that Backlund is 45 years old. I wonder why McMahon was on a kick on how old Backlund was. I think McMahon would have been around the same age as Backlund in 94. Heck, listening to a podcast reviewing the Royal Rumble 1992, sounded like the announcers were big on Backlund’s age then too and Flair was a year older than Backlund.

Bret Hart put on a figure four leg lock and the crowd went wild! The announcers’ were putting over the submission move. I’m happy Bret was putting over the figure four. The gimmick of the match was the guys in the corner for their guy had towels to throw in when their guy can’t go on anymore. Owen was unwilling to throw in the towel for Backlund.

Talking about moves that I miss, Bret Hart bit the piledriver onto Bob Backlund. I wish superstars these days knew how to protect each other for moves like the piledriver could still be used today. I think the piledriver could be used as a great finisher move.

Owen Hart had the British Bulldog chase him around the ring and into the ring and the ref caught the Bulldog and that gave Owen a chance to hit Bret with a bulldog when he had Backlund in the Sharpshooter. Bulldog hit is head into the steel steps, which “knocked” him out and that gave Backlund the opportunity to slap on the Crossface Chickenwing.

Seemed like after Backlund had the Chickenwing on Bret for a few minutes, Owen started to change his facial expression, seeing his brother in pain. Owen tried to encourage his brother to get up and get out of the Chickenwing. Bret was able to get back to his feet but Backlund brought him back down to the mat with the body scissors. Owen went to his parents saying that he didn’t mean for this to happen and didn’t want to see Bret in any more pain and asked them to do something. Why couldn’t Owen throw in Backlund’s towel to end the match? Good question.

Owen got on his knees begging his parents to do something at the five minute mark of Bret being in the Chickenwing. Come on Hart parents! I’m dying out of boredom. Owen got his parents up and they grabbed Bret’s towel. Stu grabbed it and wouldn’t throw it in. Helen started to cry some too. Bret wouldn’t quit. I bet Backlund and Bret got bored having the hold on too. Helen did a quick grab and threw the towel in and Owen ran off, out-smarting his parents.

Winner and new World Wrestling Federation Champion: Bob Backlund

Don’t worry Stu and Helen, Bob Backlund wouldn’t hold the title for more than few days. For his first title defense, he’ll lose it to Diesel in eight seconds in a non-television event. I’m happy that Backlund was able to wear the Wing Eagle version of the WWE Championship.

Todd Pettengill is backstage with Owen Hart, saying that the match was a set-up. Owen laughs and said it was a set-up and his parents fell for it. Owens that Bret is a cheater, a loser, and is underneath Owen. Owen says that he’ll be the World Tag Team Champ, Intercontinental Champ, and the WWF World Heavyweight Champ. Take out the last title and put in a future title, than Owen Hart would be dead right with this interview.

The awesome thing is the crowd is completely dead because of what happened and the announcers are pissed off at Owen Hart. Great way to put over a new heel.

Million Dollar Team (Tatanka, Bam Bam Bigelow, King Kong Bundy, and the Heavenly Bodies) versus Pride and Glory (Lex Luger, Adam Bomb, Mabel, and the Smoking Gunns)

I love the Million Dollar Man’s theme song. I had it on my phone for a while and had my coworkers ringtone to be just that, for I know what they want when they call me.

Looking at the face team, I don’t miss Adam Bomb. I was super excited whenever I rented WrestleMania X on VHS and when he faced Earthquake, he always lost within a quick few minutes. Thank you Earthquake, showing that Mother Nature always defeats man-made bombs.

Luger and Tatanka start out the match. Not trying to be a jerk with this statement but isn’t it weird to have a “Made in the USA” character and a Native American wrestlers start out this match? Talking about the sterotypes being played back then. Thank you McMahon for shying away from characters like this nowadays.

A sad note, at the first Survivor Series, Bigelow and Bundy were in the main event Survivor Series match on opposing teams and this year they are on the same team in the semi-main-event spot. Granted this match is the last Survivor Series match too for this year but it isn’t the main event. I’m proud that almost a decade later those two men are in a high ranked match on this card.

Mabel was on the second rope and did a cross body splash on one of the Heavenly Bodies and got the victory for the first elimination for this match. Very impressive for that big man. I never expected something like that out of Mabel.

Talking about big men, I miss wrestlers like Mabel, Bigelow, and Bundy. I miss big men as wrestlers. I’m a bigger guy myself and it’s easier for me to relate to guys like them compared to guys like John Cena.

Another impressive move I saw was Bigelow did a sunset flip from the top rope over Mabel to try to pin him and Mabel sat on him. Great big man move for Mabel!

Those two men did a Cactus Jack double clothesline and Mabel got counted out from it. Still another cool spot. Luckily for Biglelow he didn’t get counted out.

The coolest elimination for me so far this night was seeing Bam Bam Bigelow eliminate Adam Bomb with a moonsault. I wish I was as agile like Bigelow; that man had the coolest moonsault next to Big Van Vader. Big men like them shouldn’t do high risk moves like that.

Poor other member of the Heavenly Bodies, getting eliminated by Luger’s WWF finisher, the running forearm. Oh the good ole days with the simplest finishers. I love it!

Not to diverge from the match but I wanna put over the Million Dollar Man’s tux on this night. I bet he spared no expense for that tux. I wonder how much he spent on it. Maybe a million dollars?

Bart Gunn was eliminated by Tatanka’s finish, the fallaway slam. Like said, simple finishers are awesome! I miss the days when stories were told in the ring, unlike more “modern” wrestling. I guess it’s just my preference and this era of the business is what caught my eye and made me fall in love with the industry.

I don’t mean this in a homosexual way but there were a few close-ups on King Kong Bundy and he didn’t shave his legs for the 1994 Survivor Series. I find this to be extremely creepy. I wish the camera men didn’t do a close-up because that isn’t an image I want to see on my television screen. Talking about Bundy, he eliminated Billy Gunn, leaving Luger alone with Tatanka, Bigelow, and Bundy. What a mountain to climb for the former WCW Champion.

Luger’s putting up a good fight against three big men. What a strong showing from the “Man Made in the USA.”

A quick small package to eliminate Tatanka and a quick splash onto Luger and Bundy and Bigelow win for the Million Dollar Team.

Sole Survivors: Bam Bam Bigelow and King Kong Bundy

I’m very excited that the heel team got over in this match. One of my favorite managers has to be the Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase. I wish he would have gotten the WWF title at WrestleMania IV. The Savage/Hogan feud did bring in a lot of money and fans into the business though, so smart move going to Savage with the championship.

Backstage Todd Pettengill has the new WWF Champion, Bob Backlund. He claims that he never lost the title and has been champion since 1972; he just regained the title on this night. He also said Bret Hart represents the culture and he defeated the culture. He yells saying he’ll take on anyone, then whispers. I didn’t catch what he was saying because I didn’t want to turn up my television volume. I’m happy I didn’t because he yelled at the end, and then walked off.

Monsoon said that Backlund won the title for the second time the very fashion he lost the title in the first place, by the manager throwing in the towel. Thanks for the quick history lesson Monsoon, granted it’s a half hour after the match ended. It would have been nice to have this right before the match started, having this tid-bid of history, but better late than never.

Casket match: Undertaker versus Yokozuna [with special guest ‘trouble-shooting referee’ Chuck Norris]

Yes! I’m happy for Chuck Norris! A random fact: I share a birthday with Chuck Norris, according to Wikipedia. Thank you Wikipedia for telling me this fact.

The Undertaker vs. Yokozuna in a Casket Match

Norris is here to stand in the way of any competitors who try to interfere in this match (words of Mr. McMahon). Monsoon and McMahon say that it might be Yokozuna who might try with him (Norris) just because he was the first one to come out after Norris and is the heel for the match. Jerks.

There’s a fan in the crowd with an urn and has a make-up on to look like a very skinny Paul Bearer! I love it! I seen him a few times during the card but I’m happy that fan got some camera time when Yoko was coming out! Forever in the history of the Survivor Series memories! Yes!

Vince McMahon said when the Undertaker’s theme started was the only person who’ll feel at home would be the Undertaker. Thank you Vince for the obvious.

The screen that they had for the images for the matches parted was for the Undertaker. Even in 1994 he had awesome powers! That is a cool seen to see the screen part ways for the Undertaker to come out. Paul Bearer sneaks out in front of the Undertaker with the casket (the urn’s on top)! I was wondering where the casket was gonna come into play for this match.

Double deep, double wide, double thick casket was built for this match. I don’t know how I feel about that, was that an insult against Yokozuna and his weight?

Yokozuna was “afraid” of caskets. A great “fear” for a match. I believe Yokozuna helped made the Undertaker back in the mid-1990s and helped made the casket match.

Undertaker hit Yoko with Old School. I don’t remember that move having a name until the Undertaker came back as the Biker Taker.

Thinking of Yokozuna’s “fear” of caskets, how is he supposed to win if he “doesn’t” want to be by them? He rolled the Undertaker into the casket while I write this and he isn’t scared of it like he was at the start of the match. I find his “fear” to be utter crap!

We had a close-up of Chuck Norris. I’m happy he always had an awesome beard. If I had to pick a winner of the match this far, I’d choose Norris’ beard. No one can beat “him,” that includes the razor and shaving cream!

Talking about close-ups, we had a few close-ups of Paul Bearer holding up the urn when the Undertaker was in control and the view we had was the reflection of Bearer in the urn, screaming “Yes Undertaker! Yes!”

We had King Kong Bundy come out and Chuck Norris kicked one of his feet out to challenge him. Bam Bam Bigelow came out too and those two men stood back away from Norris, wanting none of him.

With the refs being distracted, along with Norris, IRS came in and attacked the Undertaker and slapped on the sleeper hold. The Undertaker “fell asleep” and fell into the casket. When Yoko got up, he tried to shut the door but the Dead Man woke back up again and grabbed Yoko’s throat.

While this happened, Jeff Jarrett came down and Norris hit him with the Sweet Chin Music!

Both men started to battle each other again. The several wrestlers who came out must have been an intermission for Taker and Yoko. Taker hit a big boot and got Yoko in the casket and shut the door. The Undertaker wins!

Winner of the Casket match: the Undertaker!

To be honest, I think Chuck Norris is the real winner of the match, pulling out some awesome moves and his cowboy hat never falling off of his head.

All-in-all, this was a pretty decent Survivor Series. It sucks that Diesel and Shawn Michaels were stripped of their Tag Team titles because of their fall-out from this event. The only good thing that came out of that was Diesel winning the WWF title from Backlund from a house event right around a week after this Survivor Series. But the two singles matches on the card were good for what they were and the three Survivor Series elimination matches were good. Something I wish never faded out on this November tradition. Fun times had by me watching this event and reliving some memories of the superstars of WWF Survivor Series 1994! If were gonna go out and watch a classic Survivor Series, I highly suggest this one!

Eric Darsie is known as a ‘common-man’ among his peers, at least he thinks so. He works hard with his hands in the heart of Minnesota and on his free time, he thugs and a bugs with his family and friends. Whenever he doesn’t do that, he’s found to be writing. Now more of a rare thing, he’s gems could be found here. If you would like to see more of Eric’s work outside of the professional world, check him out at http://vintagedarsie.wordpress.com/, http://www.writerscafe.org/Darsie/writing/, and on Twitter @IAmDarsie.

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Flashback: WWE Survivor Series 1998 Review – The Deadly Game

April 16, 2012 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Rock Survivor Series 1998JR opens the PPV! BRING HIM BACK!

The WWF title was vacant for the event. On Sunday Night Heat there was a brawl. With who? They didn’t say (right away).

Mr. McMahon is out already in his wheelchair with the title belt. In ten years Boss Man is a lot thinner (compared to 1988). McMahon introduces the first match of the card. The World Wrestling Federation Hardcore Champion, Mankind (in a suit-yes, Mick Foley in a suit and the Hardcore Champ). JR informs us it’s been ten years (to this moment) that the WWF title was determined in a tournament (even a 14-man tournament). It was in 1988 at WrestleMania IV where Randy “Macho Man” Savage defeated “the Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase. Useless facts, right now, yes. VINCE MENTIONS WCW AND THE CROWD BOOS! YES! The coach of the Passadena Chargers, Duane Gill (with an awesome theme music).

Round 1- Mankind (WWF Hardcore Champ) versus Duane Gill

McMahon didn’t stay long, but this match didn’t last long either. Couple of kicks and a Double Arm DDT with a cradle, Mankind wins. It will take you roughly the same time to read this as the match length was.

Round 1- Jeff Jarrett (with Debra) versus Al Snow (with Head and Socko)

Debra grabbed Head and distracted Tim White and Jeff Jarrett hit Snow with the Head while Snow was going for the Guitar, and didn’t affect Snow. Snow turned around and hit Jarrett with the Head and got the victory. This match was three minutes longer than the match before.

Round 1- Big Boss Man versus Stone Cold Steve Austin

Cobb County, GA! I like the Big Boss Man’s character. Who’s better, the Swat team Boss Man or the Blue Shirt Boss Man? In other words, the 1988 Boss Man or the 1998 Boss Man? Let’s get to the match.

Goldust and Mankind are sitting in the second row. Not really, but fans dressed up like them are.

Big Boss Man got himself DQ’ed with his nightstick. Big Boss Man hits the announcer’s table with the night stick to intimidate JR. Good stuff with good laughs.

Round 1- X-Pac (WWF European Champ) versus Steven Regal (the Real Man’s Man, future 2008 King of the Ring)

Regal’s wearing plaid. I like that.

“Whatever you’re taking you gotta cut the dose, it’s not Blackman,” said the King.
“I mean from Blackpool,” JR replied.

Double count-out with these two men. That gives Austin a bye in the next round. McMahon just demands overtime for Austin can’t overtime. Both men aren’t even in the ring. That means Austin gets a bye and McMahon gets angry. Poor Vince.

Round 1- Ken Shamrock (WWF Intercontinental Champ and 1998 King of the Ring) versus Goldust

MMA versus Hollywood!

I just realized, there’s someone out in the crowd as Kane as well! It’s Kane, Mankind, and Goldust as fans out in the crowd! YES!

Shamrock won by the Ankle Lock. Gave my buddy and I were in a debate about who’s Ankle Lock is better, Shamrock’s or Angles.

Round 1- The Rock versus Triple H…I mean the Big Boss Man

Triple H is out with a knee injury, so the Big Boss Man took his spot.

Boss Man walks in, small package, and the Rock wins!

“There wasn’t enough time for me to smell what the Rock was cookin’!” proclaimed the King.

Round 2- The Undertaker (with Paul Bearer) versus Kane

This was a year into a year into their feud (Taker and Kane). And in 1991 the Undertaker defeated Hulk Hogan to win his first WWF title.

Paul’s facial expressions are simply amazing, he can sell anything off his facial expressions.

Tombstone Piledriver from the Undertaker to Kane, and Daddy Paul held down Kane’s unhooked leg for the pin.

Round 2- Mankind (WWF Hardcore Champ) versus Al Snow (with Head and Socko)

The suit versus the Head!

Vince seems drunk or on pills. I think I like it.

Foley is punching the Head because he saw the Sock on the Head’s head.

Socko claw on Al Snow and Mankind is victorious! I would of tapped right away if that sock went into my mouth. Gross.

Round 2- Ken Shamrock (WWF Intercontinental Champ) versus the Rock

This match was longer than the Rock’s first match on this night, thankfully. I feel like this is a decent match. I really enjoyed the feud that these two men had.

We get a “Boss Man Sucks” chant when the Boss Man comes out during the match.

The Rock sold the Ankle Lock awesome. He made it sell like it actually hurt, a lot. Thanks the Rock for making Shamrock a star.

The People’s Elbow and a two-count and how huge the move is over! It reminds me of “Ravishing” Rick Rude’s Rude Awakening finisher.

Boss Man throws the night stick to Shamrock but the Rock catches it and nails Shamrock with it and gets the victory.

WWF Women’s Championship: Sable versus Jacquline (Champ)

Fast forward. I don’t care for the match. Sorry.

Sable wins the title with the Sablebomb.

Round 3- Mankind (WWF Hardcore Champ) versus Stone Cold Steve Austin

There are boos within the first minute and McMahon and stooges are on their way out. Vintage.

Lou Theze press by Stone Cold and Austin also hit the Stone Cold Stunner and Foley sprinted out of the ring and down the aisle. The stooges went down and told Foley to go back.

Double Arm DDT on the chair to Stone Cold and JR sells it like it’s huge!

Stone Cold Stunner and McMahon jumps in and pulls the ref and knocks him out. Another Stunner and Shane as the ref outs the two and gives Austin the Double Bird.

Chair shot from Brisco to Austin and Foley covers and gets the three count.

Round 3- The Undertaker (with Paul Bearer) versus the Rock

Decent short match by these two men. Wish these two guys had longer matches, but the Rock had the next match to do and both men already had matches already on the card prior to this match.

Paul Bearer is the superstar of this match because of his facial expressions. Uncle Paul is golden. Paul used his shoe to hit the Rock in the head.

Big Boss Man is out again during this match. The Rock did the Undertaker sat up and gestured to Paul Bearer being fatter than the normal person. The Rock tried to deliver the People’s Elbow and the Boss Man tripped him. Taker hit the Boss Man. Weird.

Kane chokeslam’s the Rock in front of the ref and the Dead Man is confused, and the Rock wins by DQ. Kane and the Undertaker start to battle with one another after the match.

WWF Tag Team Championship Triple Threat Match: New Age Outlaws (Champs) versus D’Lo Brown and Mark Henry versus the Headbangers

Really didn’t care for this match. This is the second Survivor Series that I’ve watched when doing this review, so I turned my mind off. And I got a phone call so I answered the call. The New Age Outlaws won and retained the titles.

WWF Championship Match- Round 4-Mankind (WWF Hardcore Champ) versus the Rock

Excited for the match-we’re guaranteed a new WWF World Heavyweight Champion with this match. Last three Survivor Series the WWF title has changed hands. The McMahons and the Big Boss Man are back from the chase with Stone Cold from after they “screwed” Austin out of his semi-finals match earlier in the night.

Vince and Shane come out a couple of minutes into the match and JR says to the King that he was fooled by Shane earlier in the night, thinking that Shane isn’t on the same team as his Daddy.

The Hebner lets the two guys fight outside the ring and out in the fans. The King and JR get worked up-wanting the guys to take it back to the ring.

Mick Foley jumped from the second rope to jump onto the Rock through the Spanish Announcer’s Table, but the Rock moved. Mankind ate a lot of the announcer’s table. Poor Mick.

People’s Elbow and the Rock only get’s a near fall! Double Arm DDT to the Rock and Foley pulls the sock out of his tights. Socko Claw and the Rock is fading! Rock countered with a Rock Bottom. Words of JR, BOTH MEN ARE DOWN! Rock only got a two count with the Rock Bottom.

People’s Eyebrow to the McMahons and the Sharpshooter to Foley and McMahon yells to ring the bell. Shane rolls in and raises the Rock’s arm. The winner and new World Wrestling Federation Champion, the Rock. Former People’s Champ, now Corporate Champ!

This was a nice change of breath for the Survivor Series PPV. If Vince wants to keep this PPV around and want to bring in ratings, if no Survivor Series matches, why not as a tournament? The winner faces the WWE Champion and World Heavyweight Champion in a triple threat match? The loosing Champion loses his title to winner? I would tune in for that pay-per-view concept. But this has been fun watching this year’s Survivor Series!

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 12-15-11 – Sting Fires The Jarretts!

December 16, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Sting fires the JarrettsWelcome to the 12/15/11 edition of Impact Wrestling. We start the show with highlights from Final Resolution, which sounded like a pretty terrible show overall. Tonight isn’t looking better, as we will see the start of a wild card tag team tournament to determine new #1 contenders for the World Tag Team titles. In the Impact Zone, Mike Tenay informs us we will be starting things off with a Final Resolution 5-minute “Overtime” match for the World title as Roode will once again defend the belt against AJ Styles. Wait. You mean they’re not waiting 30-60 minutes to feature the first match? Another Festivus miracle!

MATCH 1-World Championship (5-minute time limit): AJ Styles vs. Champion Bobby Roode
While I applaud TNA for finally starting a show with not only a match but a World title match, the fact that this match is only guaranteed a maximum of 5 minutes isn’t a good sign. Something’s wrong with the camera work here. It feels, for lack of a better word, fuzzy. After the bell, Roode immediately goes to the floor. Styles follows and lands a punch. Styles gets Roode back in the ring and hits a springboard cross body for 1. Pair of hard corner whips and a back body drop gets 2. Styles goes into a hip throw, followed by a side headlock. Roode reverses into a headscissors, and the sequence is repeated 2 more times. Styles goes for the side headlock again. Roode tries for a leg breaker, but Styles reverses into a sunset flip for 2. We’re down to less than 3 minutes. Roode with a single-leg takedown, but Styles kicks Roode off into the corner. He lays in some punches, knife edges and stomps. Roode kicks at Styles’ injured leg, taking him down immediately. Roode drags Styles to the ring post and goes outside to wrap the leg around the post, but Styles pushes him off into the guardrail. Styles gets back up and goes for a slingshot dive, but Roode sees it coming. Styles lands on his feet on the apron, but Roode clips the bad leg and sends Styles to the floor before sliding back into the ring. Styles gets back in, where Roode grabs the bad leg and slams it into the mat before stomping on it a bit. Styles kicks him off and hits a hurricanrana from the mat. He goes to the middle rope and hits the moonsault inverted DDT. He goes for a pin, but Roode gets his foot on the rope for 2. One of the best moonsault DDTs Styles has ever hit, honestly. Roode thumbs Styles in the eye and slides to the floor as we’ve got less than 20 seconds. Roode tries to do it again after getting back in the ring, but Styles Pele’s him from the floor, knocking him out. There’s less than 10 seconds left. Styles hits the springboard 450 splash, but the bell rings right as Styles gets back up.

WINNER: No contest via time-limit draw. After the match, the crowd is once more chanting “5 more minutes”. Of course, this causes Sting to make his way out, complete with one of the ugliest jackets you have ever seen in your life. It makes Sting’s old Sgt. Pepper jackets look like Armani suits in comparison. Sting says we can do this all night long, and says that the first fall wins it. I guess this means the match is restarted.

Bell rings and Roode immediately clips Styles’ bad leg before locking on a sweet single-leg Boston crab. He’s sitting down on Styles as much as possible, and Styles quickly taps.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Bobby Roode. Considering the match (counting the restart) was less than 6 minutes, this was some solid stuff. Too bad TNA can’t give us TV matches like this more frequently.

Back from commercials, we see Bobby Roode in the back, talking to Anonymous Interviewer. He says it doesn’t matter how long it takes as long as you get the job done, and tonight, he got the job done. Sting wants to come out and put another 5 minutes on the clock, guess what? Roode did it again. This cuts over to AJ Styles, who says he was “that close” to winning the belt again. Cut back to Roode. Styles tried to beat him, but he couldn’t get the job done. The difference between them is Roode gets the job done. Jeff Hardy wants a shot? Good. He’s ready for Jeff Hardy.

MATCH 2-“Wild Card” Tournament Quarterfinal: Hernandez and Robbie T (with Rosita and Sarita) vs. Abyss and Scott Steiner
I guess Terry is officially going by “Robbie T” now. That’s so original. Before Abyss and Steiner come out, we see them talking in the back. Steiner says he’s under direct orders from Mr. Bischoff to make this work tonight, but he still owes Abyss. “I agree with Bischoff that you’re better, you make us better. I got your own music. Team, right? Team, right? Let’s go get ‘em! You’re a monster, let’s go get ‘em! We’re a team, right? Come on!” Not one of Steiner’s best efforts there. I’m very disappointed. Perhaps he can redeem himself later. They make their way to the ring, and the match gets started. Steiner and Hernandez start for their teams. Steiner with a boot to the gut, a throw to the corner, some boots, a chop and a punch. Another chop. Corner charge and corner clothesline send Hernandez to the floor in the corner. Hernandez boots Steiner and backflips up to the top rope, but Steiner cuts him off with a middle rope overhead belly-to-belly superplex. Robbie runs in, but Steiner catches him with a belly-to-belly, followed by a clothesline on Hernandez. Steiner hits the posing elbow drop, but breaks it to do some pushups. Why do referees always yell at him for breaking his own pin? Since when is that illegal? Steiner asks Abyss for a tag, but Abyss doesn’t care. Steiner turns around into a clothesline from Robbie. Hernandez chokes Steiner with his t-shirt. For a second there, it looked like Hernandez is missing some teeth. Hernandez with some shoulder thrusts in the corner before tagging in Robbie. Hernandez whips Robbie into Steiner in the corner, then follows up with an avalanche. Hernandez whips Steiner into Robbie, who catches him with a bodyslam before dropping Hernandez into a gourdbuster onto Steiner for 2. Hernandez tags in, and they hit a double shoulder block on Steiner. Abyss made a blind tag in off the rope bounce. The heels turn around into a double clothesline. Abyss with more clotheslines and a pair of avalanches. Hernandez gets hit with a chokeslam. Robbie attacks from behind, but runs right into the Black Hole Slam. He points at Steiner instead of going for the pin, then tags him in. Steiner makes the pin and gets the 3. Great, except Robbie T wasn’t legal.

WINNERS: Abyss and Scott Steiner. Steiner goes to leave the ring, but Abyss pulls him back in and raises his arm in victory. Steiner looks on in confusion before going back to celebrating.

We see Kurt Angle walking around backstage, being followed by Anonymous Interviewer. Angle turns toward the camera and says he’s had just about enough of Sting. It’s time for him to do something about it.

Kurt Angle makes his way out to the ring. He calls Sting out immediately, because he’s got a few things to get off his chest. Sting’s music hits and he makes his way down. Do you find it funny that Sting immediately stopped being crazy the second he beat Hogan? Apparently, TNA forgot all about the crazy man gimmick. Angle says he’s going to tell Sting why he called him out, but for the first time in his life, Sting’s going to shut up and listen. First of all, he gets booked in a World title match with James Storm with less than 90 minutes to prepare, and Storm screws him with a loaded boot to the chin. Same thing happened in their rematch at Final Resolution. He’s Kurt freaking Angle, the master of every submission hold known to man. He could make Sting cry for his mommy, but he’s not going to do that. All he wants is his rematch with James Storm, and Sting’s going to give it to him. Sting thinks Angle is kidding. Storm says it’s time for everyone to cowboy up around here, including Angle. Sting says Storm is done with Angle, and it’s time for him to move onward and upward to Bobby Roode. Ta-ta for now. Angle tells Sting it seems like he has it out for him and Bobby Roode. He likes the way Storm plays cowboy. Maybe Angle should play cowboy. Maybe he’ll go to Storm’s hometown and beat the crap out of everyone there. Maybe that will make Storm accept and see he’s a bigger badass than Storm could ever dream of being. Ta-ta for now.

MATCH 3-Match 1 in a Best-of-3 Series: Anthony Nese vs. Zema Ion
Apparently, the winner of this 3-match series goes onto Genesis in a 4-way for the X-Division title, which also includes champion Austin Aries, Kid Kash and Jesse Sorensen. Nese immediately with a waistlock takedown. Ion battles out, but runs into a pair of arm drags. Nese hits a modified shining wizard for 2. Ion comes back with a knee to the gut, but runs into a jumping spin kick. Nese trips him up and hits an inside-out Asai moonsault, followed by a running knee to the gut in the corner and a running knee on the mat, sending Ion to the floor. Nese follows up with a running somersault plancha to the floor. Nese throws Ion back in and hits a springboard clothesline for another 2. Nese looks like a smaller Chris Masters. Nese runs into a boot out of the corner. Ion goes up top, but Nese hits a kick and a roll into a European uppercut while Ion is still on the turnbuckle. Nese jumps to the top and goes for a hurricanrana, but Ion holds on and hits a seated missile dropkick. Ion follows up with an inverted atomic drop and a strange-looking dropkick. He goes for the pin, but pulls Nese’s head up to break it. Ion hits a back suplex into a facebreaker and goes for a pin, but pulls Nese up again. He drags Nese to the corner to set up for the 450, which does connect. Ion holds onto the pin this time and gets the 3.

WINNER: Zema Ion. Not a bad match, although Nese completely dominated until the last 60 seconds or so. The score is 1-0 for Ion.

Backstage, we see Karen and Jeff Diet Shasta Orange walk into the building. Karen’s already in mid-sentence by the time they open the door. She says everything tonight stinks. Jeff calls it the biggest “clustermess in the entire world”. 2 days before his match with Hardy, Sting added the stipulation that if he got beat, Hardy became #1 contender to the World title. Actually, going by TV, it was 3 days, Jeff. Anyway, Jeff continues onto say that Sting is firing one of them tonight. Karen says that won’t happen because she’s bowing out and going home. Jeff says he’s going to do it. They then argue about who’s going home. A stagehand comes up and says Sting wants to talk to Jeff in about an hour. They continue to argue over who’s going home.

Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice (I feel really old now)…Zema Ion is celebrating backstage. Anonymous Interviewer is following him. Ion tells him he has the prettiest wrestling gear, the prettiest wrestling moves, and tonight, you saw the prettiest wrestling match by the prettiest wrestler in the company. He’s sick of waiting at home for opportunities, and tonight, he made the most of this one. From now on, it’s all about “Me, myself and Ion.”

Backstage, we see Ric Flair and Gunner. Flair says tonight’s the night he makes a name for himself. Jesse Neal’s a great wrestler, but in Gunner’s world, he doesn’t exist. Tonight, they make an example out of him.

MATCH 4: Jesse Neal vs. Gunner (w/Ric Flair)
I’m expecting Neal to take a botched piledriver on the floor tonight after he gets squashed. Call it a hunch. Gunner starts off with a trip and some punches to the head. Neal gets back up, and Gunner tackles him into the corner. Gunner with some punches, sending Neal to the mat. Gunner throws Neal into the opposite corner, sending him to the mat once again. Gunner stomps Neal’s wrist, then throws him over the top rope to the floor. Gunner follows him out. Earl Hebner tries to get between them, but Gunner throws him down, leading to the disqualification.

WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Jesse Neal. Ric Flair grabs Neal’s legs and knee drops him in the ‘nads. He pulls the floor mat up for Gunner, who instead of hitting a piledriver, only slightly botches a DDT on the floor instead. Well, I was close. EMTs and officials come out to check on Neal as Gunner screams “Broken!” at the crowd. Whatever. So long, Jesse Neal. We hardly knew ye.

Up next, Jeff Hardy. Great.

Holy hell. Just under an hour into this show and we’ve already had four matches. What universe is this? Back from the break, we see Sting and Karen Jarrett together. Karen is telling Sting he looks amazing, and this is the best he’s ever looked. Sting wants to know what she wants. She says he can’t fire her. There’s a hundred Jeff Jarretts out there. A hundred guys could take his spot. When God created her, he broke the mold. When he created Karen Jarrett, he broke the mold. She needs someone to watch the kids so she can be here and help him run the show. Sting says he’s known Jeff Jarrett since Jeff was a little kid. There’s no way we’re going to go through with this without hearing from him. He’s heard from her, so he’ll hear from him as well. Karen says she understands, but wants to make sure Sting knows where she’s coming from. He runs the show while she runs the Knockouts division. Sting says he does see where she’s coming from, and they’re good. After she leaves, Sting stops smiling and says, “Poor Jeff.” That whole segment really made sense when Karen Jarrett was begging Jeff to be sent home a few minutes ago. And yes, I get that her whole character is supposed to be an ass kisser and a gold digger. Too bad she has no idea how to play the role.

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Jeff Hardy comes out. He says he’s still sore from the cage match on Sunday. He bit his lip on the way out here (must’ve had a little bit of coke left on it), and now he’s the #1 contender. On the 8th day, Genesis, creatures become champions. Yeah, okay. He’s going to do everything in his power to make 2012 the most memorable year in his career. For some reason, Sabu’s music hits. Oh. It’s Blubber Ray’s music. Never mind. Blubber comes out and says Hardy is in an awfully good mood for somebody who has no clue who they’re fighting tonight. Blubber talks about tweeting and Twitter. Maybe if Hardy had more of a life, he’d be doing something more creative. He’ll give Hardy three guesses as to who he’s fighting tonight, but he’ll only need one. The biggest, baddest, most feared guy in this company today. Him. Someone who knows him better than just about anybody else, someone’s who’s been kicking Hardy’s head in for 15 years. Blubber’s not really that pissed off at Hardy. Actually, he has to thank him. Remember last year when Hardy couldn’t make it to that PPV main event because of his little “problem”? Remember that? The next day, Blubber took Hardy’s place in Immortal. He’s better than Jeff Hardy, and is going to prove it tonight. He’s not a stepping stone; he’s a freight train, and Hardy’s standing on his tracks.

Backstage, we see Samoa Joe talking to Magnus. Remember him? Joe says he doesn’t know anything about Magnus, and he doesn’t care to know Magnus. Magnus is the anchor attached to this opportunity, an opportunity for him. He doesn’t go around talking his way where he should be fighting his way, and Magnus better not stand in his way. Magnus tells Joe that, first of all, Joe needs to back up out of his face. He’s using the word opportunity a lot. He’s talking to somebody who doesn’t get any opportunities around here either. It’s either piss or get off the pot, and they need to go out there and win this tournament.

Up next, Joe and Magnus will face TV Champion Robbie E and Magnus’ partner, Douglas Williams, another guy that hasn’t been seen in months for no reason.

MATCH 5-“Wild Card” Tournament Quarterfinal: World Television Champion Robbie E and Douglas Williams vs. Magnus and Samoa Joe
Magnus looks a hell of a lot like Hugh Jackman. Just saying. Magnus and Williams start things off with a tie-up. Williams goes into a waistlock. They trade a few moves, including the headlock/head scissors sequence, leading into a stalemate. Williams with an arm wringer, and he tags in Robbie. Robbie with a kick to the arm, but gets cut off with a clothesline. Magnus goes to bounce off the ropes, but Williams knees him in the back. Williams tags in and whips Magnus into the corner, hits a running knee and a snap suplex. Robbie tags back in and hits a…a…well, I’m not sure. It looked like a headbutt, but then it looked like a forearm drop. Tenay says it’s a fist drop, so we’ll go with that. Granted, Tenay doesn’t know his ass from his elbow at this point. Robbie gets 2 before Joe breaks it up. Robbie hits a side-Russian legsweep into an STO for 2. Robbie goes for another move, but Magnus backdrops out of it. Robbie tags in Williams, who prevents Magnus from making the tag. He goes for the Chaos Theory, but Magnus holds onto the top turnbuckle and tags in Joe. Joe takes Williams down with a clothesline, a forearm shot, an inverted atomic drop and a running boot. He follows up with a running senton for 2. Williams hits a forearm, but runs into a powerslam. Joe goes for a pin, but Robbie tries to break it up with an elbow. Joe sees him coming and moves, causing Robbie to drop the elbow on Williams. Joe corner whips Robbie, but Robbie reverses. He goes to the middle rop again, but Joe casually walks out of the way. He gets Robbie in the corner, hits a back kick and a jumping kick to the head. Joe hits a snapmare, and Magnus hits a middle rope elbow from the opposite side. Williams climbs to the top rope, but Magnus sees him coming and falls into the ropes, crotching Williams. Joe picks Williams up in the Muscle Buster, hits it and gets the 3.

WINNERS: Magnus and Samoa Joe. Wait…what? Joe won a match? Really? Well, I’ll be damned.

Backstage, we now see Jeff Jarrett and Sting talking. Jeff says they’ve known each other for 25 years, and now it’s come to this. Who would’ve thought? He compliments Sting on the jacket. It’s been tough these last four days, and he knows Karen’s been talking to Sting and blowing his phone up. He says she’s anxious and nervous, and Sting has to know where she’s coming from. Sting has to know what firing Karen will do to her, so he begs Sting to let her down easy. Jeff says a woman has no place in this business, and besides that, Karen wants to be home with the kids. When Sting breaks the news to her, be as gentle and nice as possible. Sting asks if Jeff is sure Karen wants to stay at home with the kids. Jeff says the last year has been tough on her, and she’s understanding about being let go tonight, so be gentle with her. This whole double backstabbing angle is just so wonderful and creative and original. How much you want to bet Sting fires them both tonight instead of picking one? I mean, who the hell wouldn’t see that coming?

Back from commercials, we see Eric Young talking to Anonymous Interviewer. He’s in the tag tournament, then rambles on about a China hat and Chinese restaurants, then something about talking to his mom every morning. He continues to ramble on as ODB walks in on him. ODB informs him she’s his partner in the tournament. Young likes the idea as ODB shakes her jugs at him. Young continues his rambling.

Back in the Impact Zone, Devon makes his way out. We see some still photos of him and Pope getting beat by Crimson and Matt Morgan at Final Resolution. Devon calls Pope out, saying they need to talk about their situation. He wants to settle things right now. Pope makes his way out, accompanied by Devon’s kids, Terrence and Terrell. Devon says he doesn’t know what’s going on here, or why his boys are with Pope. They are his kids. Like any parent out here, he will take a bullet or stand in front of a bus to make sure their safety is number one. He was there when they were born, when they came home from the hospital, when they were sick, to put clothes on their back, to put food on the table. He gets up every morning to take them to school. He’s the one who is training them now. He understands Pope has to do what he has to do, but these are his boys. He’s going to train them his way, and bring them up his way. No disrespect to Pope, but this is over starting now. Let’s go home and train the right way. He loves his sons, and that’s all they need to know. He starts to drag his kids out of the ring, but Pope says Devon is going to listen to him now. These boys want a cool dad. They want someone who is with the times and can move forward. The difference between Devon and Pope is Devon wants to chauffeur them to parties, but when they’re with Pope, he gets them a limousine and let them be chauffeured. With Devon showing them old tapes of the “Bingo Hall”, what the hell are they supposed to learn from that? Devon can lose all the weight he wants, but he’ll never be as fly or as pimping as “The Pope”. That’s just the way it is, and they know that. Devon starts to walk away. Pope tells him not to walk away like Devon’s wife did. Pope says they should have been his seed, but don’t worry, because he and their mom are working on that. Devon’s had enough, and he decks Pope repeatedly. The boys step between them and hold Devon off. They share a group hug, which allows Pope to kick Devon square in the nuts from behind. Pope looks at Terrence and Terrell and smiles. They smile back and let Pope beat on Devon. They each put on a pair of Pope’s sunglasses and pick Devon up. Pope chalks up his hands for some reason, then begins smacking Devon around. The three of them stand over Devon triumphantly.

Up next, Traci Brooks vs. Madison Rayne.

Jesus Christ monkey balls. Who in the hell thought giving iJustine her own show was a good idea? Seriously, if you don’t know who this woman is, look her up on Twitter some time. I’d call her retarded, but that would imply that those who are mentally challenged aren’t smarter than her. Leave it to Spike TV.

Back from the break, we see Karen and Jeff Jarrett trying to calm each other down. Karen tells Jeff she told Sting that he’s irreplaceable here. No one can take his place. She, on the other hand, is replaceable. She says she told Sting she needs to be at home with the kids. Jeff says he told Sting that he knows a star when he sees one, and Karen Jarrett is a star. Women are put on a pedestal in this business. The stagehand from before shows up and says that Sting would like to see both of them immediately.

MATCH 6: Traci Brooks vs. Knockout Tag Team Co-Champion Madison Rayne
As Rayne makes her way onto the stage, Brooks runs from the ring and tackles her on the stage. She whips Rayne gut-first into the ring apron, then throws her in the ring. The match officially starts. Brooks with a hair whip and a clothesline in the corner, sending Rayne to the mat. Brooks chokes her with a foot, then her hands. Rayne trips Brooks, sending her into the middle rope. Forearm to the back, followed by a rope choke. Rayne puts Brooks on the bottom rope and chokes her with her knee. Rayne hits a neckbreaker across the middle rope, sending her to the floor. Brooks gets back in the ring on her own, and gets slammed face-first into the mat for 2. Rayne with a foot choke on the bottom turnbuckle. She props Brooks up, but misses a corner charge. Brooks hits a jawbreaker and a running knee into the ropes. Clothesline after that, but Rayne comes back with the knee. Rayne hits the Rayne Drop, but Brooks kicks out at 2. Stomp to the head after that, and that’s it.

WINNER: Madison Rayne. Win via a standard kick to the head? Really? Whatever.

Up next, Meth Hardy vs. Blubber Ray.

I love these commercials for limited edition coins. They talk about how in demand they are, how limited the supply is, etc., yet you NEVER see these commercials stop airing.

After the break, we see the Jarretts in Sting’s office. Jeff says he’s spent the entire night consoling Karen Jarrett, and 2012 will be the year of Karen Jarrett and Impact Wrestling. Karen says the opposite, saying she needs to be with the kids. Sting looks at them both and says he takes it neither one of them have seen a single segment of the show tonight. He’s confused because both of them said the opposite earlier tonight. Sting tells Karen what Jeff actually said. He then tells Jeff what Karen actually said. The happy couple accuses him of being a liar and just stirring the pot. Sting responds by showing them footage from earlier when he was with Karen, except it’s from a different camera angle than we saw. Because, you know, we needed TWO hidden cameras for those segments. We then see footage from Sting and Jeff, as the Jarretts yell and scream at each other incoherently. This is giving me a splitting headache. Sting tells them both to be quiet. He’s going to help them both right now by (wait for it) firing both of them.

Back in the Impact Zone, Taz and “Professor” are arguing about what just happened. All of a sudden, Bobby Roode’s music hits and he makes his way to the announce desk for some color commentary.

MATCH 7: Bully Ray vs. Jeff Hardy
Hardy comes out and not only high-fives one of the camera guys, but one of the stupidest-looking fans you’ve ever seen who is sitting in the front row. Just point that out. Bully Ray is now doing JBL’s cow moo as his taunt. I guess he needs to build his finisher meter early. As the bell rings, Ray immediately goes to work on Hardy with punches. He gets Hardy in the corner and fires off more punches. More punches, this time to the kidney. More punches. Ray ties Hardy up in the tree of woe and…hits more punches. Ray finally varies his offense for the evening and hits a delayed vertical suplex. Ray locks in a bearhug. Hardy elbows his way out, but runs into a back body drop for 2. Ray tries to pin him a couple more times, only getting 2 each time. Bodyslam near the corner, but Ray misses the Vader Bomb. Hardy comes back with punches, a running forearm, a clothesline and a hooking clothesline for 2. Ray reverses a corner whip, but takes a spinning headscissors out of the corner. Ray goes for the Bully Bomb, but Hardy reverses into the Twist of Fate for 2. Ray catches Hardy off the ropes with a sidewalk slam for 2. He misses a splash off the ropes. Hardy hits the Twist of Fate a second time, getting the 3.

WINNER: Jeff Hardy. After the match, Hardy points at Roode. Roode makes his way down as Ray and Hardy punch each other some more. Despite setting my DVR to go an extra five minutes here, it cut off at the punches, so I’m not sure what happened after that. I doubt I missed much.

End of show.

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WWE Reboot: Several Characters That Could Succeed If Rebooted – Urena’s Universe

December 09, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Ultimate Warrior The UndertakerA lot of great characters have come out of wrestling, but what about the characters that are perceived as not so great, classic characters that are considered wrestle crap? A lot of great wrestlers have been given terrible gimmicks that just didn’t connect with fans at the time.

I am not taking anything away from the performers who have given themselves to these horrendous characters, but I think with the right amount of tweaking and this new age of wrestling I think certain characters would work better now than they did years ago. I present to you ten characters/ gimmicks that I think could work now if done a tiny bit differently than its predecessors.

The Brooklyn Brawler - Steve Lombardi was perfect in the role of the Brooklyn Brawler, only his character was fodder for everyone else on the WWF roster. The name itself is pretty clever. People remember it and it describes what the character should have been: a no nonsense beat you until his heart gives out kind of wrestler. I would have given this gimmick to Tommy Dreamer. He was from New York, he would fight, and he had heart. Today people are looking for someone to get behind and a new Brooklyn Brawler would be perfect. I would do an angle where some new blood comes into the WWE and just wants to be seen on WWE Television.

He does enhancement talent matches and loses. Brooklyn Brawler takes him under his wing and though he lost a lot he still kept going. The new blood would use him as a manager and learn from someone who has been there for so long. Enter a group of mean no-nonsense heels . They take our Brawler and the new blood avenges his injuries, taking the Brooklyn Brawler name as a tribute. This would get some sympathy and it could take someone new and bring them into the fold. New York would be totally behind this and the Garden is a great place to gain fans.

The Ultimate Warrior - the Ultimate Warrior was not a failure, however his legacy has definitely been besmirched over the past few years. With the DVD, his online ramblings, and lack of wrestling appearances, the character has pretty much faded with the 80s. Sure there have been knock offs but to keep the character alive I would reach out to the Ultimate Warrior, try to smooth things out and use a youthful tag team or group to become the new followers of the Warrior.

With Warrior as their manager or someone they follow in practice, we could have a very popular new power and paint team. Who doesn’t want to see the paint come back, who doesn’t want to hear the strum of guitars as wrestlers run to the ring in Warrior like fashion, and who wouldn’t want to see a tag team with a theme? A lot of people reading this might be shaking their heads instead of the ropes at this notion but I think it could appeal to this PG friendly WWE. I say why not give a shot at a duo of destrucity!

Tatanka - Tatanka had a great run in WWF and he even had a second chance in WWE. However, my take on Tatanka for this new WWE would be a lot scarier and darker than the original Tatanka.

For those who watch westerns, some Native Americans portrayed in those films could be scary, especially with piercings, tattoos, and War paint. I would even bring a bit of mysticism into his character, being a member of Tatanka’s tribe wanting revenge on the faces for his land being taken. He could just be a scary big dude with Native American roots who wants to fulfill his (manifest) destiny. I would watch out for John Cena’s scalp.

Doink the Clown - Clowns are scary and Matt Borne played the evil clown to perfection, but then they turned him into a goofy character. I would bring back Doink to play mind games. First it would be a heel not winning enough. Then he sees Doink matches and he becomes obsessed with the clown. He starts dressing like him to get in the head of wrestlers who would take it as a joke. I know it’s been done but do something like the Joker in The Dark Knight. A maniacal clown using the get up of a clown to become a distraction for his opponents. I would modify the attire and make it a lot darker than it was.

Double J - The Double J character was a country singer who faked singing, like a new age version of the Honky Tonk Man. Needless to say the wrestler outshined the character and it transformed into Jeff Jarrett becoming himself for the attitude era. In 2011 I would make the Double J country singer character into a girl. Taylor swift is popular as can be right now and the WWE should capitalize on that popularity by bringing a cute country singing baby face into the promotion. She would capture the hearts of the fans and use her trusty guitar when needed. A big plus if she can sing, which I’m sure Johnny Ace could go through a swimsuit catalog and find someone who can do both. I think it could be the squeaky clean image the WWE can have for its divas with a character who could take the country music demographic.

The Blue Blazer - Now I know this is a long shot as WWE doesn’t want to go anywhere near Owen Hart due to lawsuits and the like but my version of the Blue Blazer would be a nice tribute to the late great Owen Hart. The character could be male or female but I would prefer it to be a girl. I have never seen a female luchador in the WWE and the WWE could sell masks and have people in love with a female luchador. It could be different and unique and it provides a mixed tag partner for Rey Mysterio or Sin Cara against some heels. People would want to see what’s under the mask but the mask would be a part of her appeal getting something different in the WWE product when it comes to the divas.

The Oddities - To go along with Doink I would make a dark carnival of wrestlers who just look like a circus act. Only this time around I would make it a stable of freaks that are lethal in the ring and are all very bizarre characters. I would make this one more like a circus and have more spectacle than anything. I think they could both be friendly or scary if done correctly. Kids need characters in this PG era why not look to the circus!

Los Conquistadores - This glorified enhancement talent tag team is used as fodder but the name could be given to two Hispanic wrestlers who want to conquer the tag team scene for the gold. I would have a team of brothers: one older one younger just looking for a spot on the WWE roster. The Conquistadors would be Hispanic and could connect with that audience. They would be hard workers who look out for each other. Really do some character development so when they win the titles it gets them a huge reaction. They could even win the titles in Mexico or wherever they “hail” from. They could be a wacky Hispanic team who gets into hijinx and could kick your ass if needed. I know it may be stereotypical but I think it could be kid friendly and marketable.

The Undertaker - Now the Undertaker still exists in the realm of WWE but he’s getting to the point where he appears once or twice a year. Why not pass the torch literally to the spawn of the phenom. This wrestler could be handpicked by the Undertaker and the son of the Undertaker can show up and use the effects and the light and the smoke and could make a career for someone new. The Undertaker character can stay alive and there are so many feuds and variations you could do with the character to keep it alive. The time is now for the Undertaker to pass his legacy down to someone who could keep it lasting longer.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: The Bottom Line on the Most Popular Superstar of All Time

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 12-08-11 – Booby Roode Spits At Dixie Carter

December 09, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Bobby Roode Dixie CarterWelcome to the 12/8/11 edition of Impact Wrestling. Before I get started, I have a question. Does TNA have an axe to grind with Bobby Roode? We all know what happened with Bound For Glory and the aftermath leading to his championship reign. Now, even Roode’s former partner, James Storm, is more or less trashing him. Storm recently appeared on the Busted Open radio show and had the following to say in regards to Roode:

“My character…I have character. I have a character that a lot of people can relate to. A guy who drinks beer, and goes out hunting, and fishing, and just hangs out at the bar, and has a good time. Like you said, Walmart, Nascar, it’s all that character fit into one, which looking at Bobby Roode, who is Bobby Roode? What exactly is Bobby Roode besides being jacked? I mean, I don’t know what definition of a character you’d give him? Growing up, wrestling had characters, and I think that’s what wrestling today is missing. They don’t really have the flashy characters they did back then. You had the Jake Roberts, and you had The Macho Man. Even Hulk Hogan, Ultimate Warrior. All of those guys were different characters. It seems like today all the wrestlers are almost the same. They’re like the same build, and they wrestle the same, and all this. So, it’s kind of hard to find a unique character.”

While I agree that Roode isn’t the most electrifying guy on the microphone, he’s far from terrible. What does he have to do to get the company and its employees to at least act like they believe in him, that he’s worthy of the position he is now in?

Anyway, after the obligatory opening video package, we learn James Storm will be in the building to confront Kurt Angle tonight.

In the Impact Zone, Sting is making his way to the ring, as if you couldn’t guess that since he opens practically every damn episode of this show. Sting wants to get right down to business and immediately calls out Bobby Roode. Roode slowly makes his way down and gives Sting a condescending smile before he enters the ring. Sting says Roode paid one of his debts last week with the main event, there are still some consequences that need to be dealt with. He then calls Dixie Carter down to the ring.

Dixie Carter scarecrows her way down to the ring. I’m amazed she doesn’t have her iPhone in her hand, as that is the norm for her. Hey, did you know Dixie Carter has a Facebook account? Did you ever care? Sting tells her not to worry about Roode, because he’s not going to do anything while Sting’s here. Sting says putting your hands on Dixie is the same as putting your hands on him, and he remembers what happened a couple weeks ago when Dixie ended up on the floor, having been knocked down by Roode. Sting tells Roode he owes Dixie an apology right now. Roode asks if Sting’s serious. Roode agrees to apologize, but he wants to do it right, asking Sting to give them some space. For whatever reason, this starts an “On your knees” chant. Roode apologizes, that he’s sorry for not being completely honest with her. As she can see, things are different now, and he’s not scared to say anything because he’s the champ and she needs him. Business is better than ever since he became champ, everybody wants to jump on the Bobby Roode Express, including Dixie. Roode says he wouldn’t even sell her a ticket because she’s not woman enough to handle the ride. Sting tries to go after Roode, but Dixie holds him back. Roode asks if Sting is going to try to take away his First Amendment rights. Roode wants to finish the apology. He calls Dixie a fake, a phony, daddy’s little rich girl, and says she’s never earned a penny in her life, and has had everything handed to her and was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Roode just became one of my favorite wrestlers with that comment. Roode states she couldn’t run a lemonade stand, let alone a wrestling company. He’s 100% right. Roode calls her pathetic. He is Bobby Roode. He is the World Heavyweight Champion. The leader of the selfish generation, and whether or not Dixie and Sting like it, he’s the face of TNA. It appears to Roode he has just spit in the face of authority. He then actually spits in Dixie’s face and I love Bobby Roode even more as a result.

Back from commercials, AJ Styles corners Roode in the back and slams him against a fence. He tells Roode Dixie gave him everything. The only thing stopping him from picking Roode apart is that he wants everyone to see him do it Final Resolution when he takes the title. Sting immediately storms in, but Styles and Jeff Hardy tell him to calm down and let them handle this.

MATCH 1: Samoa Joe vs. Abyss
I really hope Joe signs with WWE once his contract is up in the near future. There is absolutely no reason for him to be wrestling’s biggest jobber like he currently is. I’ve never seen a former champion booked so badly for so long. Joe starts with some right hands and a chop, but runs right into a shoulder by Abyss. Abyss with punches, but Joe rolls out of the way of an avalanche and hits a standing enziguri in the corner. Joe stomps Abyss down and goes for the Face Wash, but he runs right into a big boot. Abyss hits some corner gut shots as we go to commercial, despite the fact we just got through with commercials no more than five minutes ago.

Back from the break, Abyss is still on offense until Joe rakes the eyes. Joe with an inverted atomic drop, running boot and running senton for 2. Joe with more punches and some headbutts. He climbs to the middle rope and jumps off, but Abyss catches him around the throat. Joe elbows out, but runs into a pair of clotheslines. Abyss goes for the choke again, but Joe fights out with a foot stomp and another enziguri. Joe hits a running knee in the corner and is looking for the Muscle Buster. He sets Abyss up as Scott Steiner makes his way down. The referee goes to get between him and Joe as Blubber Ray has snuck in the other side fo the ring, wallet chain stretched in his hands. Joe turns around and gets clotheslined by Ray. Abyss hits a chokeslam and gets the 3.

WINNER: Abyss. After the match, Steiner and Ray climb into the ring and congratulate Abyss. They raise Abyss’ arms as he just kind of stares at them. Steiner goes to leave the ring, and Abyss catches him with a Black Hole Slam instead. Abyss then turns his attention to Ray, who gets away and goes to check on Steiner. Please, please tell me this will lead to a Steiner promo tonight. Oh, please. Oh, please.

Backstage, we see Karen Jarrett addressing the Jarrett Horse Ranch. She tells them that ODB obviously did not get the job done last week. Tonight, she’s relying on Madison Rayne, who is her ace in the hole. She tells Madison this is not the time to be sucking up and to wipe the smile off her face. She needs to take care of Mickie James, as Karen doesn’t want Mickie showing up at Final Resolution in one piece for her match with Gail Kim. Madison says she’s got it. Karen tells Gail she’s got a match tonight with Traci Brooks. Gail is mad because Traci is going to take out all of her frustrations on Gail, frustrations that Karen caused. Karen tells her to settle down and let her explain before she shuts the door.

Back from more commercials, we see Sting telling Gunner between him and Garett Bischoff, or however the hell his name is spelled this week. Gunner says it’s over when he says it’s over. Sting says it’s over now and walks away. Gunner pulls Sting back. Sting shoves him off and says he’s overstepping his bounds now. Gunner says Garett has come to Sting twice asking for a match with him, and Sting’s granted it. He’s been giving everyone they want, and all he wants is one more match. No Flair and no Eric Bischoff with him. Sting agrees. Gunner says Sting has his word that Flair and Bischoff won’t be there before they go their separate ways.

D’Angelo Dinero and Devon make their way to the ring, stopping to say hi to Devon’s kids in the process. Devon says before they get started, he wants to bring out Matt Morgan and Crimson. As if this was planned (ha, I say), Crimson’s music almost immediately hits. The World Tag Team Champions make their way down to the ring in their awesome and not-at-all douchey Aflliction-knockoff TNA shirts. Devon says he brought them out there to congratulate the new champions. Prior to taking the titles, they were beating the hell out of each other and weren’t the team they should have been. Then, all of a sudden, they became a team and beat the hell out of Mexican America. For that, Devon wants to thank them. Devon being part of one of the greatest tag teams in the history of wrestling, he happens to know a few things about tag teams. He and Blubber have won 23 tag team titles together and faced some of the greatest tag teams in wrestling. He lists off the Machine Guns, Beer Money, the Steiners and the Hardys. Devon feels both of them have what it takes to become legends and to become number one and stay there for a long time, but they have to understand he and Pope are now a tag team and will be facing the champs at Final Resolution. Devon expects them to bring the best, because Lord knows he and Pope will bring their A-game. He wants no excuses at the end of the match, because at the end of the night, Christy Hemme will be announcing new champions. May the best team win. Devon then shakes both of their hands as his music plays. Pope grabs the music and says while he may not agree with everything that “Captain Heel” said (?), one thing he can agree with is that Crimson and Morgan are two of the biggest, dumbest honkies they’ve come across in a long time. Props to Pope for trying to resurrect “honkies”. Devon tries to cut him off, but Pope won’t allow it. He says it’s not about 23 tag team championships; it’s all about the almighty dollar and the gold on their shoulders, because with the gold comes the money. As long as they have it, he and Devon are gunning for it. On Sunday, Pope is going to do whatever it takes to take those titles from the champions because Pope has spoken. The two teams then start to brawl after Pope, with Devon and Crimson brawling on the floor as Morgan punches on Pope in the ring while wearing his sunglasses. Pope comes back with a low blow, then stomps Morgan in the face and chest. He then calls Devon’s kids to come into the ring. They get in and begin beating on Morgan as well. Morgan gets back up and scares all three off.

Backstage, we see Karen Jarrett heading towards the ringside area with Gail Kim and Madison Rayne. This cuts over to Mickie James in another area, who is doing the same thing. Just super exciting television here.

Back from commercials, we see James Storm enter the building.

MATCH 2: Knockouts Tag Team Co-Champions Madison Rayne vs. Mickie James
Even though we just saw her with Mrs. Diet Shasta Orange and Gail Kim, Maddy comes out by herself. Mickie James comes out and does some really stupid pose on the stage. I’d love to use my nickname for her in these columns, but it’s not appropriate. As she gets in the ring to do her stupid corner pose, Rayne attacks her from behind. Rayne with a foot choke in the corner before a pair of corner whips, a hip bump and a hair mare for 2. Rayne slams James’ face into the mat a couple of times before raking at her face and going for a rear chinlock. James fights her way back to her feet and tries to elbow out, but Rayne jumps on her back. James backs her into the corner to break the move, but Rayne goes right back to it. James snapmares her off, hits a clothesline, a forearm and a flapjack. She goes up top for the Thesz Press, but Rayne sees it coming and botches a clothesline to the back. Rayne kicks her in the face for 2. Rayne grinds James’ face into the mat after a forearm to the back. Middle rope choke, but Rayne breaks it before 5. A suplex followed by a neckbreaker gets another 2. Rayne goes for the Rayne Drop, but James reverses with a an armdrag and botches the hell out of the standing Tornado DDT to get the 3.

WINNER: Mickie James. After the match, Gail Kim comes out with her pair of title belts to taunt Mickie James. Looking at the DDT on replay, James looked like she was having a muscle spasm or a seizure.

We see Garett Bischoff making his way towards ringside. Junior G-Man vs. “Machine Gun” Joe Viterbo is next.

Back from the break, and we see Blubber Ray and Scott Steiner in the back. Ray says they need a new game plan in regards to Abyss because nothing is working. Ray points out the girls they gave him last week, and they helped him win this week. There was no reason Scotty should have taken the Black Hole Slam. They’ve got to get with Eric Bischoff, up their game and get their heads together and come up with something because what they’ve been doing isn’t working. Steiner says, “Me and Eric Bischoff, will tight. I’m tight. I’ll go talk to him.” Steiner walks off and is screaming incoherently.

We get a video highlighting the “feud” between Bischoff Junior and Top Gun.

MATCH 3: Gunner (w/Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair) vs. Garett Bischoff
As Garett comes down, Eric and Flair are standing at ringside. So much for them not being here for this match, I guess. Just as typed that, Gunner orders them to go to the back, saying he’s got this. Gunner starts the match by whipping Bischoff into the corner and laying in some punches. Into another corner, Gunner hits some shoulder blocks and punches. Bischoff fights out with a kick and a bulldog. Bischoff follows up with a facebuster and a clothesline, but Gunner no-sells it and hits a clothesline of his own, sending Bischoff to the floor. Gunner puts Bischoff in a hammerlock and hurls him into the ring post. Lather, rinse, repeat. Back in the ring, Gunner hits an axe handle and more punches. Bischoff fights back with some punches, but one punch from Gunner takes him back down. Gunner picks Bischoff up and slams him back into the corner. Bischoff tries to get to his feet, but Gunner keeps kicking him down. He does it one too many times, and Bischoff catches his foot and gets the pin.

WINNER: Garett Bischoff. After the match, Gunner knocks the referee down before throwing Bischoff to the floor, where he whips him into the stairs. Gunner tries for a piledriver on the floor, but Father Bischoff comes out and tells him to stop. He then pulls up the floor mat and tells Gunner to do it on the concrete floor. Gunner does exactly what you’d expect and botches a piledriver as Eric Bischoff walks back up the ramp, applauding. I don’t know why that spot is done in wrestling, as there’s no way to make it look good. Gunner then apparently signals to the crowd “Piledriver”, although it looks more like he’s humping the air.

Back from commercials, we see Garett being hauled into an ambulance on a stretcher, complete with neckbrace. Eric and Flair are applauding him and congratulating each other. Eric says he’ll tell Garett’s mom he’ll be just fine. You really shouldn’t escort clubs while you’re on the clock, Eric.

Taz and Mike Tenay then talk about what just happened, using their best “Jim Ross tone”. It really pisses me off when announcers do that.

James Storm makes his way out next, looking like a redneck version of Criss Angel. He tells us that, last week, a man called him out. He never backs down from a challenge, and he’s standing in the ring right now. If Kurt Angle has something to say to him, say it to his face. Kurt Angle comes out, looking all crazypants. Angle gives Storm credit; he’s either plain stupid or one of the toughest SOBs he’s ever met. When Angle attacked him from behind a few weeks ago, he hit him so hard he thought he would knock himself out. He thought that, when Storm got a concussion, he’d be out at least six months. It was only three weeks, but that’s on him. He screwed up. At Final Resolution, he won’t screw up again. The ring is his world, and he’s the best wrestler in the world. It won’t happen like what happened when Storm and Sting screwed him out of the title. Angle says he thinks about that moment morning, noon and night. Storm says he doesn’t need Angle to think about him at night. What is with all the gay jokes in wrestling? Storm talks about Angle’s tone and his intimidation factor, which leads to Angle winning his matches before they even start. When Angle tells an opponent what he’s going to do to them, he allows his opponents to think about what’s going to happen when they step into the ring with him, when they step into the ring with a 13-time World Champion. Well, Storm, since Angle’s not actually a 13-time World Champion, then his opponents must be delusional. Anyway, Storm says his dad passed away when he was 12, his two step-brothers were killed by a drunk driver when he was 15, his step-dad died when he was 16, when he was 19 he lost his grandmother, and he had to put his 6 year-old dog to sleep last week. Wait, is he here to hype a match or sell a country album? Storm says he’s looked death in the face, and Angle doesn’t scare him. Nothing on Earth intimidates him. Angle can sit there and tell him what he’s going to do all he wants, but Storm says what he’s going to do to Angle instead. Last time they faced, Storm knocked him out with the Last Call and won the World Championship. This time, he’s going to hit the Last Call, then step on Angle’s head and crush it like a beer can. To show Angle how scared he is, since Angle likes to jump people from behind, he’s going to turn his back. If Angle’s feeling froggy, jump. Angle does nothing. Storm says that’s what he thought, he’ll see Angle on Sunday and it’s real. It’s damn real.

We see Gail Kim, Karen Jarrett and Traci Brooks in their locker room. Gail doesn’t get why she’s wrestling tonight. Karen says that since Mickie James had a match, she needs to have one, too. Karen says that there’s accusations out there that she’s not fair, so she has to give Gail a match to show that she is fair. She tells Traci there’s a problem-she’s not fair. Here’s the drill-Traci’s going to go down to the ring, followed by Gail. The bell will ring, and Traci will lie on her back since she’s used to doing that. Gail will cover her for 3, and that’s that. If there’s any funny business out there, Traci will have to deal with the wrath of Karen Jarrett. She’s not playing with Traci.

After yet more commercials, we see Devon laying into his kids in the back. He yells at them for what they did. He trained them, and he’s the one that calls the shots. Pope walks in, and Devon picks him up and slams him into the wall. He blames Pope for everything and goes to hit him, but one of his sons holds his arm and tells him not to do it. Devon says he’s going to leave now before he does something he will regret and tells his son to think long and hard about what he just did. Pope walks back in to check on the boys. He tells them their dad’s just a hothead, and they did good out in the ring tonight. If they stick with Pope, they’ll be main eventing in no time. Really? When’s the last time you had a main event, Pope? 2 years ago?

We cut over to Anonymous Interviewer who is with Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles. He asks how things are going to work tonight. Hardy says it’ll work out just fine. Jeff Jarrett doesn’t want him here, but he’s going to prove he belongs here. Styles says they’re on the same page and they’re going to take care of business. They both have something to prove, and that’s what they’re going to do tonight.

MATCH 4: Traci Brooks vs. Knockouts Champion and Knockouts Tag Team Co-Champion Gail Kim (non-title)
Hey, whatever happened to Brooks’ husband, Kazarian? He hasn’t been on here in what seems like months. Before the match starts, Kim is laughing and talking trash. Brooks looks like she’s wearing a prostitute’s wig. Brooks lays down and tells Kim to pin her, like Karen ordered, but Brooks kicks out at 2. Who didn’t see that coming? Brooks tackles Kim, punches her and slams her head into the mat. A clothesline, back elbow and corner shoulder charge follow. Brooks whips Kim to the mat by her hair for 2. Kim tries to fight back, but Brooks slams her back down before hitting a running knee in the ropes and a running clothesline. Brooks follows with a spear as Karen Jarrett runs out and gets on the ring apron, yelling at her to lay down. Brooks grabs Jarrett by the hair and goes to slug her, but the referee gets between the two. As this happens, Madison Rayne runs in and clocks Brooks with her title belt. The ref turns around and counts the 3 for Kim.

WINNER: Gail Kim. I still find it funny that, even though Sting is in charge and favors the faces, that Karen Jarrett is still in charge of the Knockouts Division. I guess that’s proof that no one in TNA thinks anyone is paying attention to the knockouts, so they don’t need to either.

Backstage we see Jeff Jarrett and Bobby Roode with their respective titles. I found out why Jarrett covered the AAA Mega Championship with his own plates, and it’s not in a “I’m defying the company” Lance Storm/WCW way. That AAA has no official affiliation with AAA, and the man in charge of booking for AAA told TNA that, as a result of that, Jarrett can be champion, but the belt is not allowed to be shown on TNA television, which also explains why the announcers have not once acknowledged Jarrett’s championship. Just some useless trivia for you. Jarrett tells Anonymous Interviewer he didn’t take Hardy out backstage, but he’ll do it tonight, which means he won’t show up at Final Resolution, which means in turn his Impact Wrestling career will be over. Roode says he’s beaten AJ Styles before, and he’ll do it again. The odds aren’t against him. Hardy and Styles won’t do anything to him or his partner tonight, and Styles will be just another victim of Bobby Roode.

Jeebus. I have seen this commercial for ShopTNA.com featuring the knockouts more times than I can count tonight.

We see Christopher Daniels in an interview from earlier today. He wants to know how much longer the champion can keep ducking him, and why this company continues to placate Bob Van Dam. When has a singlet become a colostomy bag? Don’t ask me. Daniels is on a role here. The question is, how many times does Daniels have to beat Bob Van Dam before he realizes Daniels is the better man? At Final Resolution, let’s do this right. Grappling. Wrestling. Where “Wrestling Matters”.

Taz and “The Professor” run down the card for Final Resolution. How many of you were clamoring for another Robbie E/Eric Young TV title match? None of you? Well, they’re doing it again at the PPV anyway.

MATCH 5: Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles vs. Jeff Jarrett and World Champion Bobby Roode (w/Karen Jarrett)
I thought Hardy’s shirt said “The King of Condoms”. This week, it looks like it says “The King of Condos”, which doesn’t make any sense either. Did Styles get his entrance theme even more genericized yet again? Mike Tenay just called Bobby Roode “tremendous” in the ring. Somewhere, Don Callis is throwing a television set against a wall. Before Jeremy Blowfish can complete his introductions, the faces attack the heels, sending them to the floor with the Final Resolution opponents pairing off against each other. Jarrett slams Hardy into the ring post, then throws Styles into the guardrail. Jarrett throws Styles back in and hits some punches. Crisscross leads to a dropkick by Styles. Jarrett back drops out of a corner charge, but Styles lands on the apron. He goes for the Superman, but Jarrett ducks. Styles lands on his feet again, but apparently tweaks his knee. Hardy tags in, but Jarrett tags out to Roode before they can square off. Commercial.

Jonah Hill is not funny. The sooner you everyone stops trying to convince themselves that he is, the better off we’ll all be.

Back from the break, Hardy hits a spinning headscissors out of the corner, followed by an inverted atomic drop, double legdrop between the legs and a seated dropkick for 2. Styles tags in and he’s hobbling. He lays in some punches, chops and kicks. Roode counters with a kick to the bad knee and tags in Jarrett. Jarrett runs in right into a hiptoss. Styles throws him in the corner, but Jarrett reverses on the second attempt. Styles gets his elbow up off a charge from Jarrett and also clotheslines Roode to the floor. Roode pulls Styles down and begins slamming his knee into the ring apron. Roode tags in and works over the knee some more. Jarrett tags back in and does the same. Roode tags in once again and stomps Styles in the gut. Back rake by Roode. Roode goes back to work on the knee with stomps before digging his thumb into Styles’ eye. Jarrett tags back in, sets the bad leg across the bottom rope and drops across it from the second rope. Jarrett increases his douchebag factor by Tebowing after this, then tries to taunt Hardy. Hardy starts to come in the ring, and Jarrett walks backwards right into a schoolboy by Styles, which only gets 2. Roode tags back and kicks Styles in the face. Low blow behind the referee’s back. Styles manages to kick Roode away and hits the Pele out of a waistlock attempt. Styles crawls for the tag, but Jarrett runs in, knocks Hardy off the apron and pulls Styles back towards the heel corner. Hardy gets back up and sends Jarrett to the floor. They brawl to the back. Leaving only Styles and Roode in the ring. Karen Jarrett claws Hardy from behind, but Hardy fights through it and continues to beat on Jarrett. Back in the ring, Roode locks in a single-leg Boston Crab. Cut to the back, Jarrett’s now dominating Hardy. Cut back to the ring, and Styles gets to the ropes to break the hold. Roode goes for a corner charge, but Styles gets the foot up. Styles hits a clothesline, back elbow, another clothesline and a back body drop. He goes for a DVD, but his knee gives out. Roode counters with a spinebuster. Roode sets up for the Payoff, but Styles counters into a small package to get the 3.

WINNERS: Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles. After the match, Roode attacks Styles and lays in some punches, but Styles comes back with a jumping forearm that sends Roode to the floor. Styles hits a slingshot plancha to the floor, injuring his knee even further. Roode gets back up and runs to the back as Styles crawls after him. He turns around to pose for the crowd, but Roode predictably runs back out and takes Styles down with a chop block. He slams Styles’ knee into the stage, then whips it into one of the lighting rigs. He grabs his title belt, shoves it in Styles’ face and tells him “You can’t have it because you can’t beat me!” Cue the unnecessary ominous music. I was really hoping we might go one week without that. Maybe next time. Probably not, though.

End of show.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx, and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

Stone Cold Steve Austin: The Bottom Line on the Most Popular Superstar of All Time

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 11-24-11 – Roode Lays Out Styles

November 26, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Bobby Roode AJ StylesGreetings, everyone. I apologize for the lateness on this recap of Impact Wrestling, but yesterday was Thanksgiving. Sorry, but on Thanksgiving, TNA is the least of my interests. Anyway, the 11/24/11 edition starts off with a video package of James Storm hunting down his attacker last week. For those that didn’t read the recap, it was (very predictably) Kurt Angle.

Back “live” in the Impact Zone, Kurt Angle is making his way to the ring. Holy L. Ron Hubbard. Angle appears to weigh about as much as Rey Mysterio now. He says that, as a man’s man, there’s one thing he despises, and that’s when a man accuses him of attacking him from behind. Back in Macon, GA, Angle didn’t attack Storm from behind, and don’t ever accuse a man of attacking you from behind because you’ll wind up with your ass kicked. Next time, Angle might take it personally.

James Storm makes his way to the ring now. Storm asks if Angle took it personally when Storm took his cowboy boot and stuck it up Angle’s ass. Personally is when Angle came into the company, when they travelled to shows together, and when their kids started playing together. This is business. Storm says he’s looking Angle in the eye right now and doesn’t back down from anyone. Angle says Storm screwed him out of the World title. He got his revenge and screwed him out of the title against Roode two weeks ago. Storm says everyone’s tired of listening to people talk, so what he wants Angle to do is not take this ass-whipping personally; it’s just going to be business. Angle says he’s a gentleman and didn’t come here to fight, but he knows some guys who do. Christopher Daniels, Jeff Jarrett and Bully Ray make their way down to the ring. All climb in and the four of them surround Storm. Angle continues to egg Storm on as they surround him. Storm says his daughter has a message for Angle. Storm sucker punches Angle then immediately slides out of the ring to grab a chair. A.J. Styles, Rob Van Dam and Mr. Anderson all come out to make the sides even. Apparently, these eight guys are doing a main event elimination match tonight. The brawl continues until all of the heels decide to back off and head to the locker room.

So, my understanding was that Storm suffered a serious concussion and that’s why they did the injury angle with him a couple weeks ago, and that doctors told him to take up to 8 weeks off. Glad to see he’s listening to his doctor by continuing to wrestle.

Back from the commercials, we see Eric Young in a parking lot riding a bicycle built for two with referee Rudy Charles. Before they head into the building, Rudy opens an Igloo cooler that was strapped to the front of the bike, and he pulls out a turkey costume.

We see clips from last week when Crimson and Matt Morgan won the World Tag Team titles.

MATCH 1-World Tag Team Championship: Anarquia and Hernandez (w/Rosita and Sarita) vs. Champions Crimson and Matt Morgan
From what I understand, there’s some truth to this angle. It appears that Hernandez’s contract is up soon, and there’s little to no interest in re-signing him. Because, you know, TNA can’t have a talented homegrown wrestler on their roster. Morgan and Anarquia start off, with Anarquia taking several clotheslines. Crimson tags in, hits snake eyes and a big clothesline. Crimson hits Sean O’Haire’s old Widowmaker move before tagging Morgan back in. Morgan picks Anarquia up and hits a standing over-the-shoulder powerslam. Morgan boots Hernandez off the apron, tags back in Crimson, and they hit a double shoulder block. They then hit a double chokeslam, and Crimson picks up the pin.

WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: Crimson and Matt Morgan. So long, Hernandez. As for Anarquia, he should have never been here in the first place. Hopefully, he goes soon, too.

Eric Young and Rudy Charles walk by Robbie E and Rob Terry. Young wants Robbie E one-on-one tonight. Robbie says Young will never get a TV title match again. Young says he talked to Sting, and they’ve got a “kung fu challenge” or some stupid crap tonight. If Robbie E loses, he has to wear the turkey costume. They ramble on for seemingly 15 more minutes. Young says that Sting told him that if Robbie E doesn’t do this match tonight, Sting is stripping him of the TV title. The words “bro” and “dude” were used about 400 times in this brief segment.

Cue to Karen Jarrett and Traci Brooks walking around backstage together. We get a promo from Karen after the commercials. Oh, goody.

The Jarrett Horse Ranch makes its way to the ring. This is just going to make for some phenomenal television. Karen calls out practically the entire knockouts roster to get their “booties” down to the ring right now. Tara, Miss Tessmacher, Velvet Sky, Winter and Angelina Love all make their way down. The knockouts division has its own entrance them now, BTW. Karen tells Velvet Sky they have a dilemma around here. After all of her efforts to clean up the division and get them all to cover up, which she has failed miserably at, these nasty, disgusting, horny, perverted freaks want to see more skin. While she knows there are a few of them around here with no problem with this since they flaunt themselves around all day long, there are some who think they are real athletes and wrestlers. There’s only one real athlete around here, and that’s Gail Kim. In cutting to the chase, tonight, we are going to have the first ever “lingerie ball”, soon to become a Thanksgiving Day tradition. The girls are going to the back, get their skimpiest lingerie and bring them back here. There’s one true champion in the ring, and that’s Gail Kim. That’s why she sits on her perch and looks down at all of them. Not nice calling her a gargoyle. When Velvet becomes one with the pole she’s used to and getting dollars shoved in her butt by horny perverts, that’s what she’s going to do in this ring tonight, and if the women don’t want to do it, they can leave, as there’s hundreds of women out there who would take their spots.

We see the wrestlers for the main event tonight, apparently, instead of Kurt Angle and James Storm in the main event, it will be Jeff Hardy and Bobby Roode. This begs the question of why Mike Tenay was telling us that Storm and Angle were in the match, as well as why Roode and Hardy didn’t come down to the ring during the brawl? #TNASense

Back from the commercial with more promo action. This time, Christy Hemme is interviewing Tara, Tessy and Velvet in their locker room. Christy asks Tara how she’s feeling. Tara’s sick of it. She thought she left all this crap behind. They are here to be the best wrestlers here, and she’s not happy. Tessy says it’s a joke. She’s here to whoop ass. Velvet says it’s especially insulting to her, as she was Knockouts Champion just a couple weeks ago. She’s sick to death of Karen Jarrett, but she’s keeping her cool here, and they are still going to go out and have the best match they can.

Gail Kim is in her locker room, talking about how great Karen Jarrett is. Mickie James walks in with a serious gut and says they need to talk. She gets in Madison Rayne’s face before they go in the back room. Mickie says what Gail is doing is crap, and she can’t believe she’s doing this after all these years. Gail says Mickie can give her notice to Karen if she’s not happy. Mickie calls Gail a hypocrite. They then start to brawl before Madison gets involved. Gail slams Mickie into the lockers, then punches her down on the floor. The camera man gets knocked down for absolutely no reason as well.

MATCH 2-“Thanksgiving Thong Thunder”: Angelina Love, Winter and Knockouts Tag Team Co-Champion Madison Rayne vs. Miss Tessmacher, Tara and Velvet Sky
Winter’s looking a little chunky here as well. More than usual, anyway. Meanwhile, Angelina Love’s “lingerie”, meanwhile, my soul mate Maddy is actually wearing more clothing here than she normall does. As for the rest, much like Angelina, it’s no less than what they normally wear, rendering the gimmick of this match completely pointless. According to Taz, this is too degrading for Velvet to do. Never mind the fact that she used to do it as a member of the Beautiful People all the time. Tessy tries to throw her shirt on the camera lens and misses, so the cameraman picks it up and puts it on the lense. For what reason? The women spend a few minutes trying to one-up each other instead of wrestling, which is supposed to be the point, according to the faces. The match finally starts with Winter and Tara after an attack from behind by the heels. Winter with some stomps. Winter with a corner whip, clothesline and 2-count as we go to commercial again.

Back from commercials, and Tara is back in control with a clothesline off the ropes. Another botched clothesline and a bodyslam before the standing moonsault for 2. Tessy tags in. Tara hits a corner clothesline before Tessy does the hip bump and stinkface. Taz calls this the “butterface”. Tessy with a pair of arm drags and a horrible dropkick. Rayne tags in and slams Tessy in the corner before choking her with her foot. Rayne misses a corner charge, but reverses a corner whip. Rayne runs into a boot out of the corner, but blocks the second attempt and whips Tessy to the mat before choking her over the bottom rope. Winter tags back in and hits a forearm in the corner before dropping Tessy with a backbreaker for 2. Love tags in for the first time and has Winter whip her into the corner with a clothesline for 2. Love drops an elbow, then chokes Tessy out. Love goes for a fisherman’s suplex, but Tessy reverses into a small package for 2. Love drives her knee into Tessy’s back a few times, then kicks her in the butt. Tessy ducks a clothesline off the ropes, and they simultaneously whip each other down by the hair. Rayne and Sky tag in. Sky with a few clotheslines and a running bulldog. She goes for the double-arm facebuster (Tenay calls this a DDT. Way to go, Professor) but the other four ladies get in the ring and start brawling. The faces clothesline the heels down. Everyone falls out to ringside, save for Rayne and Velvet. Referee Earl Hebner goes outside to try to get some order as Rayne botches the Rayne Drop on Sky. Rayne goes to hit Sky with the title belt behind Hebner’s back, but Mickie James runs down and gets the belt away from her. Rayne turns around into the sit-out double-arm facebuster by Sky, which then gets the 3.

WINNERS: Miss Tessmacher, Velvet Sky and Tara. I’m sure you can just imagin how phenomenal this match was.

We see Jeff Hardy wandering around in the back, wearing a mask for some stupid reason.

Back from the break, we see Karen Jarrett laying into all six women from the previous match. She gets mad because when she told them to cover up, they showed more skin, and when she told them to show more skin, they covered up. Well, you know what? All you bitches? Game on. Next week, Karen will be providing the outfits they wear next week. Karen tells Velvet she’s going to take away every ounce of dignity she has. I would ask who thought it was a good idea to give Karen Jarrett so much camera/mic time, but I already know it’s Eric Bischoff’s fault since he not only admitted to it, but said how great of an idea it was because she’s such a compelling character.

Jeff Hardy comes out wearing his mask that looks like something out of “The Road Warrior”…if “The Road Warrior” totally sucked and was loaded with more drugs than a pharmacy. Hardy pulls the mask off…to reveal it’s actually Jeff Jarrett. He, talking as Hardy, refers to himself as the “Charismatic Enema”. He calls himself so full of crap that he needs an enema shoved up his butt just to flush himself out. Why do people love him? Hell, he doesn’t know. Maybe it’s because he wears makeup like a circus clown. Or maybe because he cuts dynamic promos week after week. Or maybe because he takes asinine chances in every match. Why does he do it? For you morons…er, fans. Maybe you love him because you all can relate to him. You can relate to him because he’s a lowlife, a degenerate, pathetic, worthless, has no business being in this company, but that’s why you love him. He wants everyone to grow up and applaud him, because maybe one day you kids can grow up and embarrass and humiliate the company you work for. Sadly, this is the best promo of Jarrett’s career. Mainly because he’s right.

Hardy’s music hits again, and he runs to the ring. He slams Jarrett into the steps, then throws him back in the ring and continues to punch Jarrett. Blubber Ray and Christopher Daniels come out to triple team Hardy. Since when is Daniels in Immortal? RVD, A.J. Styles, Mr. Anderson and World Champion Bobby Roode all come down at some point and join in on the brawl. TNA security comes in to try to break things up, but when have they ever accomplished that? Jarrett gets Hardy outside and throws him into the steps a couple times. Meanwhile, in the ring, the heels have all the faces down on the mat.

Back from the commercial, we see exactly what just happened before the break. I suppose with less than 45 minutes left in the show, they need to get more replays in to fill some more time. I realize this is a throw-away show, what with it being a Thanksgiving episode and all, but you could at least try to make the show seem worthwhile.

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Just when I start complaining about video packages, we get yet another one, this time of the feud between Eric Young and Robbie E, leading up to their match later tonight. TNA actually tries to make this seem important by starting the video with the message “’It’ Only Happens Once A Year…” and a few other messages. Apparently, this is an annual tradition, and we see video from previous installments. Yes, it’s such an important event that I completely blocked it from my mind.

MATCH 3-Loser Wears a Turkey Suit: World Television Champion Robbie E (w/Rob Terry) vs. Eric Young
Robbie E is trying so hard to be Zack Ryder, it’s pathetic. Before the match, Young gets a microphone, and introduces Rudy Charles. Rudy comes out with entrance music. Yes, really. He’s carrying the turkey suit. Oh, and to those who complain about all the Twitter references on WWE lately, I hate to break it to you, but it’s no better on this show. TNA actually shows the questions they are asking, then shows the inane answers their fans give. The question for this segment is “What are you thankful for in TNA Wrestling?” I couldn’t make this up if I tried. Anyway, Robbie tries to attack Young from behind at ringside, but Young hits him with the turkey suit, shoving the head in Robbie’s mouth. Robbie comes back with a shot from behind. As the match starts, Robbie begins dropping elbows on the turkey suit, as well as punching it. Robbie with a kick to the gut and a modified side-Russian legsweep. Robbie hits a fist drop from the middle rope for 2. Rudy Charles makes the count with the turkey suit on his hand. Jesus. Young comes back with punches and a flying forearm off a crisscross. Young with a clothesline. He elbows out of a corner charge and hits a belly-to-belly suplex for 2. Taz refers to this as “Shades of Magnum T.A., but different.” Somewhere, Terry Allen is putting his head through a wall. Rob Terry hands Robbie something that looked like a used roll of receipt tape behind Rudy Charles’ back, who is doing a chicken dance for the crowd. God, I hate TNA so much for this. Robbie clocks Young, and Charles turns around to count the 3.

WINNER: Robbie E. As Robbie’s celebrating, Rudy Charles lifts his arm to proclaim him the winner. The same arm that Robbie was hiding the foreign object under. Ha! That’s comedy gold right there. Just brilliant. Charles says he is restarting this match. Nooooo! Almost immediately hits the piledriver and gets the 3.

NEW WINNER: Eric Young. Young gets a mic and says Thanksgiving is a time to give, and he loves to give. The bad news is, Robbie won’t be able to wear the suit, as he’s knocked out. The good news is, with the crowd’s help, he’s going to find a replacement. Shock of shocks, he says Rob Terry needs to do it after they use the turkey suit like a metal detector. If you’ve been following this company for more than a couple months, you know I’m not making any of this up. Rudy Charles tells Rob Terry that, if he doesn’t put on the suit, Robbie E will be stripped of the TV title. Rob Terry puts on the suit.

We see the two teams for the main event making their way to the ring.

Backstage, we see Eric Young and Rudy Charles, who is wearing Young’s old TNA World title belt. Charles is on a bike, and he’s riding around Young in circles. Eventually, Charles runs into a tractor trailer.

MATCH 4-8-Man Elimination Match: Jeff Hardy, Mr. Anderson, A.J. Styles and Rob Van Dam (w/James Storm) vs. Bully Ray, Daniels, Jeff Jarrett and World Champion Bobby Roode (w/Karen Jarrett)
As the faces make their way down, Jeff Hardy is absent. Tenay tells us he won’t be able to compete here tonight. At least Storm isn’t competing here like they led us to believe at the beginning of the show. So, now this is a handicap match, I guess. Bobby Roode comes out, but instead of going to the ring, decides to go do color commentary instead. Back in the ring, Styles and Daniels are starting off. Tie-up, and Daniels backs Styles into the corner. Daniels with some shoulders and a palm thrust to the face. Styles comes back with punches and stomps. Styles with a snapmare and a kick between the shoulders before hitting the jumping knee drop. Daniels knees Styles and tags in Jarrett. Styles gets Jarrett in an arm wringer and tags in Anderson. Jarrett with sissy punches before running into a pair of hip tosses by Anderson. Anderson hits an elbow drop and gets 2. Ray tags in and suplexes Anderson for 2. Daniels tags in and hits a jumping side kick off the ropes for 2. Anderson and Daniels trade punches. Anderson hits the rolling fireman’s carry for 2. RVD tags in and lays in some punches and a spinning heel kick for 2. Daniels backs RVD into his corner and tags in Jarrett. Jarrett with a corner whip. Ray tags in and hits a bodyslam, followed by a running splash for 2. Daniels tags in and hits some stomps. Jarrett tags in and hits a suplex. Ray tags in and throws RVD into the corner. Daniels tags in and whips RVD into the corner, but runs into a boot. Anderson and Ray tag in. Ray eats a clothesline, a back elbow and a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Anderson picks Ray up on his shoulders, but Ray slides out and hits a uranage. Roode runs down to the ring, immediately tags himself in and gets the pin.

Mr. Anderson is eliminated.

Styles comes in with punches on Roode. Styles with a back body drop, corner punches, a corner whip and corner splash. Styles comes off the ropes with a clothesline. Roode low blows Styles right in front of the referee, getting himself disqualified.

Bobby Roode is eliminated.

Jarrett comes in and stomps Styles. Roode leaves the ring smiling. Jarrett hits a corner back elbow and tags in Daniels as we go to commercial.

Back from the break, Daniels gets a 2 on Styles. Jarrett tags in and kicks Styles before tagging Ray in. They hit a double delayed vertical suplex on Styles. Ray with an open-hand chop in the corner. Styles fights back to his feet with some punches, but gets thrown face-first to the mat as he tries to make a tag. Ray hits a boot to the face and tags in Daniels. Daniels sets up the Angel’s Wings, but Styles reverses into a hurricanrana and hits the Pele. RVD tags in and drops Daniels with a clothesline and a thrust kick. Roundhouse for Jarrett and a clothesline for Ray. RVD hits a jumping side kick and Rolling Thunder before going up top. Angle comes out and shoves RVD down behind the ref’s back. He and Storm begin to brawl as Daniels pins RVD.

Rob Van Dam is eliminated.

Daniels is bleeding from the mouth as Styles comes in. For those keeping score, it’s 3-on-1 right now. Daniels hits a clothesline on Styles. He throws Styles into Ray’s boot before Ray tags in. Styles fights back with punches, but runs into a back body drop. Daniels tags in and hits a standing uranage. He goes up for the BME, but Styles gets his feet up into Daniels’ face. Jarrett tags in. As he and Ray try to clothesline Styles from front and back, Styles ducks and they hit each other. Jeff Hardy’s music hits, and he comes out, putting on his belt in the process. Apparently, he couldn’t take the time to get completely ready before he came out. Hardy tags in and almost immediately hits a Twist of Fate on Daniels to get the 3.

Christopher Daniels is eliminated.

Jarrett comes in. Hardy tries for the Twist of Fate again, but Jarrett blocks it. Hardy rotates him around again and gets a small package for the 3.

Jeff Jarrett is eliminated.

Ray comes in and boots Hardy in the face. Jarrett’s still in the ring. Hardy comes back with a double clothesline. Styles gets a blind tag in and hits the Superman on Bully Ray to get the final 3.

WINNERS: Jeff Hardy, Mr. Anderson, A.J. Styles and Rob Van Dam, with Hardy and Styles being the survivors. As Hardy and Styles are celebrating, Bobby Roode makes his way back to the ring and clocks both of them with the title belt. Roode stands over Styles and holds the belt over his head before getting down and screaming in Styles’ face. Once again, the generic ominous music plays.

End of show.

I realize that Thanksgiving shows for a wrestling promotion are never that good since most people aren’t watching wrestling on that day, but come on. The main event had potential, but despite getting nearly 20 minutes, felt incredibly rushed.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 11-10-11 – A.J. Styles Wants Roode!

November 11, 2011 By: Category: Videos, WWE | Pro Wrestling

AJ StylesThe 11/10/11 edition of Impact Wrestling starts off with a video recap of Bobby Roode not only winning the World title last week, but being pushed into a heel turn way too quickly and obviously. I didn’t notice Roode spit on Storm last week, but he apparently did.

We are once again “live” in Macon, GA. Things start off with the aforementioned Bobby Roode making his way down to the ring. Taz doesn’t understand why Roode did what he did. Probably because there was a World title at stake. Probably. Roode grabs a mic as the crowd is booing him heavily. Roode asks if they are booing him or chanting “ROODE”, because that’s what all of these morons were doing last week when they were cheering him on. Do they hate him because he killed Beer Money? Because all of these hillbillies would have done the same thing if given the opportunity he had? This is a new generation; a generation of selfishness, and Roode is the leader of the new generation. Doing things the right way in today’s society gets you nothing and nowhere. This is a dog-eat-dog world, and last week, he ate James Storm for lunch, and that stupid, sorry sonofabitch didn’t see it coming. It wasn’t his fault, and it’s on James. We cut to split screen where Storm is watching this on a monitor in the back. Roode says that, after 13 long, hard years, the opportunities he’s had only come along so often, so he made the most of the opportunity against his former tag team partner. Their hero, James Storm is in a hole in a wall somewhere, drowning his sorrows, while Roode is the new champion.

Storm makes his way down to the ring. Security tries to hold him off, but he takes a couple of them down before chasing Roode out of the ring. Sting makes his way out now. Sting looks really stupid wearing his wrestling gloves while in street clothes. He says tonight, he’s going to take the high road. There will be a World title rematch between Roode and Storm tonight. Roode screams “No!”

Tonight, A.J. Styles will wrestle Christopher Daniels yet again, while Knockout Tag Team Champions Gail Kim and Madison Rayne will defend against Mickie James and Knockouts Champion Velvet Sky. Remember what I said about Tara and Miss Tessmacher disappearing? Funny how they are the former champions, yet were completely overlooked for an immediate title re-match. That’s #TNASense for you. We will also see Eric Young and Ronnie from “Jersey Shore” take on Robbie E and Rob Terry. Cut to backstage where Young and Ronnie are walking around.

We get a video package hyping the impending Crimson/Matt Morgan match. Does anyone really give a damn about this match?

MATCH 1: D’Angelo Dinero vs. Crimson
I heard rumors Pope was leaving TNA a while back. Obviously, that’s not the case (not yet), but I’m not sure why. He’s clearly going nowhere in this company. Crimson’s back in red gear and has his hair dyed red once again. At least that makes sense. Seemed kind of pointless to call a blonde guy in white gear “Crimson”, after all. Tie up to start. Pope turns into an arm wringer. Crimson reverses. Pope reverses into a side headlock. Crimson with a shoulder block. Pope tries for a waistlock, but Crimson reverses into a side headlock. Pope reverses into one of his own. Pope with a kick to the knee and his sweet DDT for 2. Pope follows up with a fist drop and goes to the middle rope for another, which connects for another 2. Crimson comes back with punches, kicks and some knee strikes. Pope stops this with an uppercut. Pope goes to the middle rope again, but jumps off right into the Red Sky for 3.

WINNER: Crimson.

Gunner is in the back and tells Garrett Bischoff he’s going to teach him a lesson about disrespect. In Immortal, Eric Bischoff is at the top of the chain of command. Get ready, Garrett. This is going to be a walk in the park. Wait…doesn’t “a walk in the park” mean things are going to be easy? Let me check. Yes, yes it does. Clearly, Gunner didn’t think that promo through very well. Shock of shocks.

MATCH 2: Gunner (w/Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair) vs. Garrett Bischoff
If Garrett wins here, Sting gets to rewrite Eric Bischoff’s contract. If TNA knew a thing about logic, they’d save this match for PPV where it might get a few more buys, given the stipulations. Of course, this is TNA. Garrett comes out to no music and is in very generic gym clothes. Gunner starts the match by talking a bunch of trash, something he’s not very good at. Gunner talks to Ric and Eric at ringside before turning around into an armdrag from Garrett. Garrett with another one and a hip toss. Garrett hits a back body drop off the ropes. He goes for another Irish whip, but Gunner slides out of the ring. Flair runs into the ring and hits the referee, causing the disqualification.

WINNER: Garrett Bischoff. So, Sting gets to rewrite the contract now. Wow…what a great match. Really worth the payoff. I thought Tenay was going to have a heart attack as he was watching Garrett perform the most basic of moves. Reminds me of when Tony Schiavone did the same thing at WCW Bash at the Beach ’97 when Dennis Rodman performed the exact same moves. Thrilling television here, folks.

Backstage, Robbie E and Rob Terry are trying to get in Ronnie’s dressing room. You can tell it’s his dressing room with the paper sign taped to the door that simply says “Ronnie”. Classy environment here in TNA. The fat security guard is telling both of them no one is allowed in. Eric Young pops his head out and asks if they want t-shirts. Robbie E tells Ronnie he doesn’t want this embarrassment before asking Rob Terry to hold him back.

We’re reminded of the tag team match coming up featuring the four aforementioned toolboxes, as well as the World title rematch for later tonight. Because, you know, a rematch for the World title should not only be given away on free TV rather than on PPV where fans might pay to see it, but should also occur at the exact same set of tapings that the original match took place at. Yeah, that’s a great idea.

After some commercials for some random crap, we cut to the locker room where James Storm is knocked out, bleeding from the head. There is a turned-over chair laying next to him. I’m guessing this means the rematch won’t take place tonight? You mean to tell me TNA might actually do something semi-intelligent and hold this match off for a later date? Another Festivus miracle!

MATCH 3: Zema Ion vs. Jesse Sorensen
While I’m glad to see an X-Division match taking place here, it’s between two guys the fans mostly don’t care about, one of which hasn’t been seen on here in at least a month. Sorensen signs a football on the way to the ring. Yeah, I don’t know either. Sorensen starts with a pair of arm drags into an armbar. Ion knees his way out. Sorensen fires off a nice dropkick, sending Ion to the floor. Sorensen follows up with a plancha. Back in the ring, Sorensen hits a punch in the corner. Ion escapes out of a corner whip and hits a middle rope spinning cross body for 2. Sorensen goes for a back suplex, but Ion backflips out, puts Sorensen in the same position and flips him over into a facebuster over the knee. Ion goes up top, but misses the 450 Splash. Sorensen hits his weird-looking swinging neckbreaker, and this one’s over.

WINNER: Jesse Sorensen. Man, did they even get 3 minutes for this match? The shortness of some of these matches is just ridiculous. Kid Kash makes his way out and sarcastically calls Sorensen impressive, and “Mr. 10 Days In The Business”. Kash says he has 20 years in the business, and has done it all. No one ever gave him a damn thing, and he “took everything he ever gave” (?). He’s going to give Sorensen the opportunity of a lifetime. At Turning Point, he’s going to give Sorensen an X-Division title match against Austin Aries and Kid Kash in a 3-way dance. The contract’s only missing one signature, so if Sorensen wants it, sign it, superstar. Kash continues to beg him to sign it over and over. Sorensen signs it. Kash says he made the biggest mistake of his career. He says Sorensen’s mother is really proud of him, and tell her Kash says “thank you”. Sorensen attacks Kash, but Aries runs in and hits Sorensen with the belt from behind. He goes for the brainbuster, but instead throws Sorensen into Kash, allowing Kash to hit the Moneymaker. Who in the hell thought it would be a good idea to let Kash speak for that long?

Back in one of the locker rooms, Gail Kim is putting on makeup. Karen Jarrett tells her she’s beautiful and calls Madison Rayne pretty. She says Kim has the opportunity to beat Velvet down tonight. She then screams at Traci Brooks for almost blowing everything for them. Kim, Rayne and Jarrett share a hug.

I’m picking up Need For Speed: The Run and Assassin’s Creed Revelations next week. I’ll let you know how awesome they are.

MATCH 4-Knockouts Tag Team Championship: Mickie James and Knockouts Champion Velvet Sky vs. Champions Gail Kim and Madison Rayne (w/Traci Brooks and Karen Jarrett)
Before the match starts, Karen pushes Rayne into the ring and holds Gail Kim back, telling Rayne to handle things. Sky starts off with a tackle on Rayne, a forearm to the back and a kick to the but. Kim knocks Sky down from behind. Rayne telegraphs a back body drop. Sky kicks off before James temporarily forgets to tag in. She hits Rayne with a dropkick and a flapjack. She goes up top, but Kim knocks her off. Kim tags in now and whips Rayne into James in the corner. Rayne then does the same to Kim. Kim with a short-arm clothesline. James punches out of a front chancery and goes to tag in Sky, but is pulled down by her hair. Kim goes for another short-arm, but James reverses into what Mike Tenay called a “hangwoman’s-style” neckbreaker. Sky tags in, hits a clothesline, a facebuster and a bulldog. She then hits Kim with a really crappy looking neckbreaker-type thing. She sets up Kim for the DDT, but Karen Jarrett gets on the apron to distract the referee. Rayne comes in and tries to kick Sky, but Sky blocks it into a terrible-looking sit-out double-arm facebuster. She gets back up and walks right into Kim’s foot-to-the-face move that still doesn’t have a name in TNA yet. This gets 3.

WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: Gail Kim and Madison Rayne. Anyone else notice Madison Rayne’s tights look a lot like the gear “Bad Ass” Billy Gunn used to wear? Just saying. Seriously, why does she have a painting of lipstick on the ass of her tights? Is there a point to that?

Backstage, a doctor is checking on James Storm. Sting comes in wanting to know who did it. Storm says he’s fine before stumbling into some chairs. Sting says, if Storm’s fine, tell him what city they’re in. Storm screams that he’s fine.

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We get a video recapping the oh-so wonderful feud between Eric Young and Robbie E, bro.

MATCH 5: Robbie E and Rob Terry vs. Ronnie and World Television Champion Eric Young
So, they took the time to make a video and song for Ronnie, who will be gone after this week, but couldn’t take the time to do the same for Garrett Bischoff, who will be with TNA until Eric Bischoff either quits or dies? Makes sense. Ronnie is clearly taking this seriously by coming out in jeans and a t-shirt. Last time I checked, this wasn’t a street fight, which renders the street clothes look ineffective. Robbie and Ronnie start off. Robbie immediately tags in Terry. Ronnie tags in Young. Just typing all of these names, a casual observer might think I was describing a gay porn rather than a wrestling match. Young tries for a shoulder block, but gets knocked on his ass. Young then tries to lock up with the referee. He hits a corner dropkick on Terry and goes for mounted punches. Terry carries him to the middle of the ring, where Young bites him. Terry hits a back body drop before tagging in Robbie. Robbie with a back elbow. Young fights back with some punches, but Robbie comes back with a knee lift. Terry tags back in and hits a forearm to the chest. Terry hoists Young up for the delayed vertical suplex, which connects. Robbie tags back in, and they hit a terrible version of the Demolition Decapitation for 2. Robbie spits in Ronnie’s face, causing Ronnie to come in and cause a distraction. Robbie whips Young into the corner, but misses a charge. Robbie runs right into a belly-to-belly from Young. Young tags in Ronnie. Ronnie hits a clothesline and a bodyslam. Young comes in with a top rope elbow drop before Ronnie hits the worst splash this side of Snooki at Wrestlemania to pick up the 3.

WINNERS: Ronnie and Eric Young. For whatever reason, Young pulls his wrestling shorts off after the match. Why?

Tonight, we will see a six-man match as Scott Steiner, Bully Ray and Jeff Jarrett take on Mr. Anderson, Jeff Hardy and a mystery partner. Styles/Daniels is up next.

Cue to Jeff Jarrett yelling at Anonymous Interviewer as Blubber Ray and Johnny Bravo look on in the background, doing what they do best, which is just uselessly taking up space. Jarrett says Hardy is his one and only focus. He won’t make it to Turning Point, as Jarrett’s going to take him out tonight. Blubber Ray rants about how he’s going to beat up Mr. Anderson one more time tonight. Steiner says “You two skimmy bastards, go find one of your skim friends, and we’ll beat ‘em all up!” He then says, “I’m gonna take an Anderson AND Hardy right nap”, before walking into a bathroom. Scott Steiner=promo gold. Blubber tells him not to forget a courtesy flush, as he had a lot of eggs today. Is that supposed to be funny?

TNA is now doing a commercial for their merchandise website where Don West is doing a parody of stupid shows like Ghost Hunters. Kill me.

Backstage, we see Mexican America walk into the catering area where Ink Inc. are sitting with Christina von Eerie (I don’t recall what she’s being called in TNA, and I don’t care). The two sides begin brawling. Hey, remember how Mexican America are the Tag Team Champions? Neither does anyone else. Sarita’s no longer wearing her thong mask. Eventually, Mexican America just gives up completely. Also, apparently, Ink Inc. have a Tag Team title match at the next PPV. Makes sense, since they have beaten approximately no one to earn a title match.

Back in the arena, Tenay and Taz are joined by Bjorn Rebney, who is the founder and CEO of Bellator Fighting Championships. Great. Who gives a damn? What does this have to do with anything at all? Bjorn lies out his ass and says he watches TNA every week and it’s a thrill to be sitting here. Please, Bjorn. No one watches this show every week except me.

MATCH 6: Christopher Daniels vs. A.J. Styles
Daniels and Styles both have new entrance themes, and they are both highly generic. Tie up to start, and Daniels backs Styles into the corner before hitting some shoulder blocks and kicks. Bjorn is talking about how Viacom is now the majority owner of Bellator. I care. Back to the match, Styles hits some punches and kicks in the corner. Daniels comes back with a boot and a side headlock. Daniels with a shoulder block. Styles trips him up off a run. Styles hits some chops in the corner. Daniels comes back with a clothesline. Styles misses a dropkick off the crisscross, but does connect with a second attempt off the ropes. Styles gets a kick to the back on Daniels and the jumping knee drop. Styles goes for a springboard, but Daniels knocks him down for 2. Daniels kitchen sinks Styles, then kicks him between the shoulder blades. Bodyslam by Daniels, and a split-legged moonsault gets 2. Daniels locks in a body scissors. Styles elbows his way out of the hold. Daniels walks right into a head scissors, but still manages to roll-up Styles for a pin attempt. Even with his feet on the ropes, Styles kicks out at 2. Daniels goes for Angel’s Wings, but Styles backflips out. Styles hits the moonsault into the inverted DDT, a beautiful move I haven’t seen in a long time (Tenay referred to it as an “inverted, reverse-style DDT”. Way to go, ‘Professor’). Both are back up now. Daniels misses a corner charge and runs right into a clothesline. Styles follows it up with a back elbow, a kick to the leg and a standing enziguri. Styles hits the Superman before going for the Styles Clash. Daniels reverses out, but winds up eating a Pele. Styles goes for the cover, but Daniels gets his foot on the bottom rope. Daniels slides to the floor as Styles argues with the ref. Daniels is looking for something under the ring, but Styles baseball slides him before he can find it. Styles jumps off the apron, but Daniels catches him, rams him into the guardrail, then hits a uranage backbreaker. Daniels pulls a toolbox out from under the ring and grabs a screwdriver out of it. Rob Van Dam yanks the screwdriver out of Daniels’ hand. The distraction causes Daniels to run into a fireman’s carry into an over-the-knee neckbreaker by Styles. Styles immediately turns this into the Styles Clash and gets the 3.

WINNER: A.J. Styles. I’ve seen better outings from these two, but this was still a really good match. If only TNA could put matches like this on more often.

Six-man tag is up next.

I love how TNA never announces the card for their upcoming PPV until the go-home episode of Impact every month. Oh, and no World title match announced for the PPV. Apparently, it’s going to be headlined by Jarrett/Hardy. This wasn’t even a good main event when it was a main event 6 years ago.

MATCH 7: Bully Ray, Jeff Jarrett and Scott Steiner (w/Karen Jarrett) vs. Jeff Hardy, Mr. Anderson and Abyss.
You know what? Thanks to Mr. Anderson, the word “assh*le” no longer means a damn thing. I can’t ever use it as an insult again. He’s completely ruined the word. And TNA’s entrance “videos” are all incredibly generic, but Jeff Hardy’s most definitely takes the top spot as most generic. Third member of the face team turns out to be Abyss, who gets a mild-at-best reaction from the crowd. I swear the back of Hardy’s t-shirt said “The King of Condoms”. I’m sure it said something else that was even dumber, but that’s honestly what it looked like. Abyss and Jarrett start things off. Abyss immediately tags in Hardy, which causes Jarrett to chickensh*t out and tag in Steiner. What could have possibly been going through Steiner’s mind when he got that tattoo done? Steiner backs Hardy into the corner and lays in some shots before hip tossing him back to the middle of the ring. Steiner with a club to the back and a corner whip. Hardy tries to jump out, but Steiner catches him. Steiner goes for a powerslam, but Hardy slides out and hits the reverse enziguri. Anderson tags in and locks in an arm wringer, but Steiner punches out. Jarrett tags in and runs into a back elbow and swinging neckbreaker by Anderson for 2. Ray hits an elbow on Anderson from behind, causing Anderson to run into a clothesline from Jarrett, which happened to be quite possibly the worst clothesline I’ve ever seen. Ray tags in and hits some elbow drops. Steiner tags back in and boots Anderson in the gut before hitting a clothesline. Steiner hits the posing elbow before doing the “patented push-up”. How do you patent a push-up, Tenay? God, I hate you. Anderson comes back with a clothesline, and now both are down. Hardy and Ray both tag in. Hardy with a forearm shot and a kick out of the corner. Hardy lands the middle rope legdrop, then goes up top. Jarrett trips him up. Steiner climbs to the middle rop and hits Hardy with a middle rope fireman’s carry slam. Ray goes for the pin, but only gets 2. Ray locks in a body scissors. Hardy breaks out with elbows, but Ray elbows him in the back before a tag can be made. Jarrett tags in and throws Hardy into the corner. Hardy hits an elbow off the charge, then climbs up and hits Whisper in the Wind. Abyss and Steiner tag in. Abyss takes all the heels out with clotheslines. He hits an avalanche on Ray in the corner, followed by a boot on Steiner. Jarrett goes for The Stroke, but Abyss blocks it and hits the Shock Treatment. Ray clotheslines Ray to the floor. Hardy hits him with a Twist of Fate and a Swanton Bomb. Jarrett hits The Stroke on Hardy, but runs right into a Mic Check by Anderson. Anderson turns around into an overhead belly-to-belly by Steiner. Steiner looks for the Steiner Recliner, but breaks it as he sees Abyss climbing back into the ring. Steiner tries to hit Abyss with some shots, but Abyss reverses a whip into the Black Hole Slam for the 3.

WINNERS: Abyss, Jeff Hardy and Mr. Anderson.

Despite James Storm being laid out, the title match will still apparently happen tonight. Tenay and Taz argue like an old married couple over having to assume that Bobby Roode was responsible for the attack.

MATCH 8-World Championship: Champion Bobby Roode vs. James Storm
Storm has an excellent entrance video. It’s footage of him drinking beer, walking around in a field somewhere, and a close-up of jelly jars. Just brilliant. Storm doesn’t come out to his music the first time. After a second, the music starts up a second time. Storm does eventually make his way out, and he’s completely covered in blood as he stumbles down to the ring. You know, I understand he got busted open earlier, but are you telling me they couldn’t give him some bandages and clean him up a bit? It’s the same thing WCW did when Sting got a bloodbath on an episode of Nitro, and came back a week later still covered in dried “blood”. Storm gets to ringside, charges into the ring and takes Roode down before laying in some punches. Storm with some more punches and a corner whip. Storm back body drops Roode out of the corner, then immediately falls back down to the mat as Roode looks on. Referee Brian Hebner throws up the “X” sign, causing a doctor to come to ringside. The doctor states the obvious and tells Hebner he’s got a head injury. Roode is looking on concerned. The referee tells him the match is over as he tries to lift Storm up along with Hebner. Roode asks Hebner if he rung the bell, signifying that the match is over. Hebner says, “no”. Roode then schoolboys Storm to get the 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Bobby Roode. After the match, Styles and Kazarian run into the ring to check on Storm. Sting makes his way out as Roode celebrates. Styles calls Roode a piece of trash. Styles challenges Roode to come down and get some. He tells Sting he wants Roode at Turning Point as ominous music begins to play randomly. Sting makes the match.

End of show.

So, let me get this straight. TNA has always been bad about announcing a PPV card until the go-home episode of Impact, as I mentioned earlier. That’s nothing new. However, this time, they outdid themselves and decided to book the main event title match at the very end of the go-home show, giving them not even so much as five minutes to build up the match and really entice fans to buy the PPV. That is some of the most idiotic booking of a PPV I’ve ever seen. And those in TNA wonder why fans refer to them as the reincarnation of late 90’s/early 00’s of WCW.

Anyway, this show had 8 matches, which has got to be a record for an episode of Impact. However, only two of those matches (Daniels/Styles; six-man) lasted longer than 5 minutes, and only one of those two (Daniels/Styles) was even worth watching.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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TNA Turning Point 2011 Card Shaping Up

November 04, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

TNA Turning Point 2011TNA Wrestling will return to pay per view with Turning Point 2011 on Sunday November 12. Pulling a page out of the WWE handbook, the company has released the match lineup with only a week and a half to go…sans the main-event.

I really don’t understand this new trend of the big two pro wrestling companies announcing pay per view cards less than two weeks before the show. I can understand an independent pro wrestling company with a part time staff experiencing this problem, but what do the full time booking members do all day? Especially in TNA Wrestling where television is taped is weeks in advance?

Regardless of my complaining, the companies will continue to do what they do and TNA has at least put out the meat of the lineup for Turning Point. Six matches have been announced, although one is a partial. But don’t worry. It is only the main event.

The following portion of the blog contains major spoilers. Stop reading if you do not wish to see upcoming taped results and news.

The main-event will feature brand new TNA Wrestling champion Bobby Roode defending his newly won title. Roode will enter the pay per view as arguably the hottest heel in the company. Not announcing his opponent until next Thursday isn’t going to do him much favors. Although savvy Internet readers are already aware of the matchup and it is a good one.

AJ Styles vs. Bobby Roode will headline the show. On paper this is a great match and I love the idea that TNA will start putting some real quality into their championship matches. Unfortunately the company has done very little to keep Styles strong which will likely temper any excitement of such a competitive match. This could have had big potential here if they held it off for at least a month and booked the idea of the former champion trying to teach the new champion a lesson. But hey, it is hard to imagine this not being the best pro wrestling match to headline a pay per view in November.

Jeff Jarrett vs. Jeff Hardy will co-headline the show. I can’t imagine anyone being real excited about this match. I do like Jarrett, a lot more than most do who blog on pro wrestling. I just think it’s the kind of match we have seen dozens of times before in TNA. Why charge anyone to see it when Impact Wrestling offers better matchups for free?

Christopher Daniels vs. Rob Van Dam is one that is likely to get the hardcore wrestling fans talking. On paper, this one should be really good. However, keep in mind that these guys did wrestle each other on the independents a couple of years ago and it was extremely disappointing. Maybe they turn it up a few notches knowing it is for pay per view? It is a no disqualification match so I think we will see a lot more action than we saw back in California a few years back.

The rest of the card is mixed underneath with Crimson vs. Matt Morgan (not quite sure what happened to Crimson’s push and why he isn’t in the big picture). Ink Ink vs. Mexican Americana for the tag belts and Gail Kim vs. Velvet Sky in a TNA Knockouts title match.

The current Turning Point 2011 lineup…
AJ Styles vs. Bobby Roode…TNA World Heavyweight Title Match
Ink Inc. vs. Mexican America…Six Person match for the TNA Tag Team Titles
Gail Kim vs. Velvet Sky…TNA Knockouts Title Match
Jeff Jarrett vs. Jeff Hardy
Crimson vs. Matt Morgan
Daniels vs. Rob Van Dam…No DQ

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 11-03-11 – Another New TNA Champion!

November 04, 2011 By: Category: Entertainment, Videos, WWE | Pro Wrestling

Bobby RoodeBefore I get into the show, I’d like to say that I usually avoid spoilers. The only time I read them is when I know I’m going to miss a show for whatever reason (cable’s out, DVR doesn’t record, etc.). Otherwise, despite all of the information available on wrestling out there, when it comes to the actual TV shows, I like to go in not knowing anything, and still enjoy being surprised by wrestling and suspending my disbelief. That being said, I still occasionally read a spoiler by accident, whether it’s because I read a normal article that turns out to be a spoiler, or if someone just posts a spoiler to a show somewhere and doesn’t clearly state that it’s a spoiler, ruining it for the rest of us. Last Wednesday was one of those times. If you’ve already read other articles here on CCB or elsewhere, you probably already know what I’m talking about. Tonight’s main event, at least to me, is very bittersweet, and I’ll get to that later on in the recap.

The show starts with another James Storm video recap, which leads right into a Robert Roode video recap, as well as Roode winning the #1 contender match last week, which he cashes in tonight.

The 11/3/11 edition of Impact Wrestling starts off. TNA is coming from Macon, GA this week (and next week). World Champion James Storm makes his way to the ring. Storm says, growing up in the south, you learn things that will help you in life and make you into a real man. Southerners treat everyone in the world with respect, and if someone disses the red, white and blue, you beat the hell out of them. I disagree with that whole southerner remark. I’ve met a whole mess of narrow-minded pricks from the south in my lifetime. Storm says you only get one go around in this life, and what you do with it is up to you. He got drunk the other night and was wondering what was going to be on his tombstone. He lists off a bunch of things before saying “World Champion”. He can come out here and say he’s going to be a fighting champion like everyone else, but he drinks too much for all of that. He’s been everywhere in the U.S., and it has brought him right here to Macon. He’s been around the world 6 times, and there’s one man who has been on his side the entire time, and that man is Bobby Roode.

]Roode makes his way down to his horribly generic theme music that both he and Storm pretend to rock out to. Storm brings up the match they had a few weeks ago prior to Bound For Glory. Tonight, Storm said he’d give Roode the first shot, and he wants Roode to bring everything he’s got tonight. Roode says he’s had a chance to think about his career, and all of his success, he owes to James Storm. Storm knows as well as he does that they were struggling as singles wrestlers a few years ago, but when they were put together, Beer Money took off. Roode says Storm came up with the team name and all of the merchandise, and he’s why Beer Money took off. He thanks Storm for all of his success. When Storm beat Angle a couple weeks ago, Roode was proud to share that moment. Storm has been his best friend for four years, and tonight, he’s got another opportunity, so Storm is damn right in that Roode is going to bring it in their match. Roode says that they need to do what they’ve been doing for the last four years, and that’s steal the show. Let’s blow the roof of this sonofabitch and have the match of their lives. Whoever wins tonight will be known as the better man, and that’s all they’ve both ever wanted. I never thought I’d miss Beer Money’s theme, but after hearing the awful themes Storm and Roode have as singles wrestlers now, I welcome it.
Ooh. Ronnie from “Jersey Shore” will be here tonight. And TNA wonders why no one takes them seriously.

We see Eric Young walk into the building with the aforementioned Ronnie. Woo.

MATCH 1-Knockouts Tag Team Championship: Gail Kim and Madison Rayne (w/Traci Brooks and Karen Jarrett) vs. Champions Miss Tessmacher and Tara
I really didn’t want the first match of the night to involve the Jarrett Horse Ranch. Actually, I don’t want them on here at all. Apparently Tara and Tessy are calling themselves “TNT” now. Not that it matters. Once they lose tonight, they’ll probably stop teaming together anyway. Tessy and Rayne start off. Tie up into to an arm wringer by Tessy. Tara tags in and takes over the wringer. Rayne reverses into one, but Tara cartwheels out into another one. Tessy back in, who hits a pair of arm drags and an armbar. Tara back in, and they hit a double gourdbuster. Kim tags in now. Boot to the gut by Kim, followed by some forearms. Tara comes back with a pair of clotheslines and a whip off the ropes. Tara hits a back body drop. Kim tries to tag out, but Rayne doesn’t want to. She eventually does, and gets hit by a clothesline, a forearm and a horrible dropkick by Tessy who tagged in. Tessy goes for a stinkface, but Kim yanks her off from the apron. Kim tags in now and hits an uppercut, followed by a botched neckbreaker for 2. Kim locks on a dragon sleeper, but Tessy elbows her way out. Kim forearms her in the face and stomps her in the head. Rayne tags in and goes for the Taco Twister, but Tessy slides out and tags Tara in. Tara with a couple of clotheslines and a bodyslam. She goes for the standing moonsault, but Kim bulldogs her down from behind. Tessy spears Kim. They brawl to the floor. Tara hits the Widow’s Peak, but Karen Jarrett jumps on the apron to distract the ref. Meanwhile, Kim comes back in and hits Tara with what I’m calling Drop Foot Syndrome until I am told it’s called something else. The ref turns around to see Rayne making the pin, and counts the 3.

WINNERS AND NEW CHAMPIONS: Gail Kim and Madison Rayne.

We see Garrett Bischoff talking to Anonymous Interviewer. He says he’s been apologizing to his dad his whole life, whether he’s been right or not. Tonight, he’s going to give his dad what he wants, and that’s an apology, but he’s going to apologize his way.

Back from the commercial, Garrett’s in the ring. The last few weeks have been pretty crazy, and he never would have thought it would have come down to this. It blows his mind. His dad would like an apology. He came here tonight to do that. He then calls Eric Bischoff down to the ring to apologize face-to-face.

Eric Bischoff makes his way down to the ring. Garrett says he wants to apologize face-to-face. He’s sorry that he hasn’t lived up to Eric’s expectations, and he’s sorry he let Eric down at BFG. He’s really sorry he hasn’t grown into the man Eric wanted him to be, but what he’s most sorry about is that he didn’t do this years ago. Garrett then decks Eric, takes him down and lays in a bunch of punches until Ric Flair and Gunner come down to the ring and chase him off. Eric eventually gets up and just screams a whole bunch of times.
We see Samoa Joe walking around backstage. He comes across Sting. He asks Sting if he needs anything. Sting says everything is peachy and wants to know what Joe wants. Joe thanks him for the opportunity he was given last week in the match with Roode. Sting says it was his pleasure, “Joseph”. Joe says he needs Sting to also understand that, if he thinks that’s going to shut him up, he’s mistaken. If Sting doesn’t show him the respect he deserves, people around here wind up getting hurt. Does Sting understand that? Sting says he understands that if he doesn’t show Joe respect, Joe’s going to kill somebody. Copy. Got it. Joe says “We’ll see” before walking off. Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair then walk up. Eric says if Sting could fire him right now, he would, but they both know Sting can’t do that, because they have ironclad contracts. Flair came up with a great idea. He and Eric want a match with Garrett, and if Sting gives them that, they’ll give Sting a chance to rewrite Eric’s contract. Sting says it’s interesting, but he’s going to talk to Garrett first.

We see Christopher Daniels walking around. He says everything’s coming up Christopher Daniels. Ever since he started doing things for himself, he’s been on a winning streak. First, he beat A.J. Styles, and then went to BFG and beat Styles in an “I Quit” Match. He says that, despite the “audio tomfoolery” that occurred in that match, he was still the one who walked out on his own. He wants to know where his title shots are now, especially since he beat Rob Van Dam last week. RVD walks up behind him as he’s talking about the sloppy ring crew leaving a screwdriver laying around. He doesn’t need a screwdriver to beat Styles or Bob Van Dam. Daniels turns around into a punch from RVD. RVD takes him down and punches him a whole bunch of times before slamming him into a wall. More punches and a kick to the chest. More punches. RVD throws him into some chairs. Daniels pulls some of them down and runs away.

MATCH 2: Jesse Sorensen vs. World X-Division Champion Austin Aries (non-title)
So much for the new focus on the X-Division. This is the first X match I can recall seeing in weeks, and the champion hasn’t even been featured in backstage segments, let alone matches. Aries is one of the top 5 talents on the roster, and he’s just being wasted. Sorensen ducks a clothesline and gets a quick school boy for 1. He then goes for a backslide and gets another one. Kid Kash has just joined the commentary table. This should be stunning. Aries decks Sorensen off a handshake, then lays in some elbows to the back of the head. He hits a back elbow off the ropes and a jumping elbow drop for 2. Aries goes for the brainbuster, but Sorensen back drops him to the floor. He goes for a plancha to the floor, but Aries sidesteps him, gets in the ring and hits a suicide dive. Aries throws Sorensen back in the ring and gets 2. Aries locks in a neck vice. Sorensen elbows his way out, but Aries catches him in a leg breaker into a uranage, then follows it up with a quick spinning elbow for 2. Nice-looking sequence there. Aries gets Sorensen in the corner and hits an open-handed chop, but runs into a boot. Sorensen comes back with a knife edge and a pair of high knees. A dropkick gets 2. Sorensen goes up top, but misses a cross body. Aries kicks Sorensen in the head, follows it up with a corner dropkick, then throws Sorensen in the corner. He hits another corner dropkick before going for the brainbuster. Sorensen quickly reverses into a roll-up and gets the 3.

WINNER: Jesse Sorensen. Good match, and a little longer than the average X-Division fare, which is never a bad thing. Aries then calls Kid Kash over. He wants to talk to Kash about “Jesse Sorenstat”.

We see Robbie E and Rob Terry making their way into the arena. I couldn’t give a damn.

Back from the break, James Storm is in the locker room getting ready. He says this is his life, and although Bobby’s like a brother to him, the World title is what he’s been working for for 15 years. Cut to Roode. He says this is a dream for both him and Storm. It’s going to be like brothers fighting out there tonight.

Back in the arena, the Robs are making their way to the ring. I want Cookie back. At least these segments would be semi-tolerable if she was still here. Robbie gets a microphone. He says he’s cutting to right to the chase. “Hamster Eric Young and Poser Ronnie” need to come to the ring and face Little Robbie & Big Robbie. Young and Ronnie make their way to the ring. Ronnie is wearing Young’s old TNA World title belt that he literally fished out of the trash, it was that important. Robbie E says he doesn’t know why Ronnie is hanging out with Grizzly Adams, and he doesn’t care, bro. He’s been waiting to come face-to-face with Ronnie for a long time, bro. He wants to tell Ronnie that “Jersey Shore” sucks, bro. Agreed. He also wants to tell Ronnie he sucks. He’s not threatened by Ronnie, bro. He’s taken out guys who are bigger, better and taller, and what’s he’s trying to tell Ronnie, dude, is that he can kick Ronnie’s ass any time he wants, bro. I guess Robbie E went to the Hulk Hogan School of Repetitive Promos. Bro. Ronnie says how about right now. Robbie E says we don’t do things like that around here, bro. Why doesn’t Ronnie go to the back, hamster, pack your bag, hamster, go to your hamster car, and get off his turf before he punks his ass like “The Situation” did, bitch. Ronnie spears Robbie E, but Rob Terry clubs him over the head. Young jumps on Terry’s back, but gets thrown down immediately. Terry hits Young with a Polish Hammer, then puts Ronnie in a front chancery as Robbie E whips his back with a belt. The Robs leave the ring as Eric gets a microphone. He says it’s apparent to everyone here that Ronnie and Eric are massive television stars. He calls himself the “High Chancellor of Television, Master of All Things Entertainment”. He has to clear this all with his close, personal family friend Sting, but next week, it’ll be the Robs vs. Young and Ronnie.

I wonder how many brain cells the world over were killed after being exposed to that last segment?

Up next, Jeff Diet Shasta Orange and Blubber Ray vs. Meth Hardy and Alien Frat Boy.

Back from the break, we get a recap of what we just saw in the last segment. Why?

MATCH 3: Bully Ray and Jeff Jarrett (w/Karen Jarrett) vs. Jeff Hardy and Mr. Anderson
Mike Tenay just made the following very intelligent observation: “Jarrett and Bully Ray will be taking on two individuals, and yes, they are individuals.” Just brilliant, Professor. You are so smart that I really think you need an apprentice named Luke and an assistant named Emmy. Mr. Anderson does his horrendous microphone bit and tells us that his dad totally owns a dealership. Totally. Now that his hair isn’t blonde, he kind of looks like Jonathan Banks in “Beverly Hills Cop”. Jeff Hardy comes out to a series of sound effects that is supposed to be an entrance theme. Hardy and Ray start off with a tie-up. Ray gets him into a corner and hits some punches to the gut and head. As if Jeff can feel those. Ray with a boot to the stomach and another punch. Hardy with a spinning head scissors off a corner whip, and follows it up with a legdrop between the legs and a seated dropkick for 2. Ray gets back to his feet and whips Hardy down. Jarrett tags in and his the worst-looking punches in wrestling today. Hardy comes back with a clothesline and a reverse enziguri. Another clothesline out of the corner. Hardy goes to the ropes, but Karen trips him up. Jarrett with some stomps before slamming Hardy face-first into Ray’s boot. Ray tags in and hits some crossface punches and a running splash that only gets 2 since he’s not The Ultimate Warrior. Ray goes into a neck vice and follows it up with an elbow to the head. Jarrett tags in and hits a kick. Jarrett does the butt drop thing across the ropes before breaking out the “Double J” strut. Hardy comes back with punches and reverses a sleeper into a back suplex. Ray and Anderson tag in. Anderson with punches, a clothesline, a back elbow and a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Jarrett breaks up the pin, and Hardy takes him down. Hardy and Anderson do a pair of Poetry in Motions, then go up for the Swanton and Kenton Bombs. Scott Steiner runs down and trips up Mr. Anderson, causing the DQ.

WINNERS VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Jeff Hardy and Mr. Anderson. After the match, Steiner hits the faces with a chair, and Ray clotheslines Hardy with the wallet chain. Jarrett does the Stroke while Ray simultaneously hits the Bully Bomb. Have I ever mentioned that not only are these two of the worst-named finishers in wrestling today, but also two of the worst finishers period?

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After more commercials, we see Sting and Garrett Bischoff talking in a hallway. Sting runs Eric Bischoff’s proposition by Garrett. It’s now an opponent of Eric’s choice for the match, instead of Eric himself. Not sure when that changed. He asks Garrett what he thinks. Garrett agrees to it. Sting says it’s the wrong thing to do, he apologizes, and it cannot happen. Garrett begs him to make it happen. Sting agrees to it. This match will happen next week, and I for one am ecstatic.

Back in the arena, Matt Morgan makes his way down to the ring. He gets on a microphone and calls Crimson down to the ring. Lance Sackless answers the call and makes his way down. Morgan says it’s safe to say they’ve shared a common enemy in Samoa Joe. They’ve had each others’ backs during that entire time. The most frequently asked question Morgan gets is when is finally going to wrestle Crimson in a one-on-one match. Over the past two years, Morgan busted his ass to headline multiple PPVs for this company he loves, and to cement his name as the best giant in this business, and there isn’t another 7-footer in the business who can touch what he does. He gets off on competition, so he wants to give the fans what they want. Let’s give the fans this “dream match” (his words), that being “Crims” (again, his word) vs. Matt Morgan. “Crims” says his Twitter has been blown up, and his fans want to see it, too. How can his unbeaten streak be the real deal unless he takes out everyone, including Matt Morgan? It’s no mystery to him who will win the match, and he’s betting his bank account on it. He wants to raise the stakes, and wants Morgan to bring his A-game at Turning Point because no one is ending the streak, not even Morgan. Um…the stakes were raised how?

Up next, Roode vs. Storm for the World title.

We get the same Storm/Roode video package from the top of the show. I’m not recapping this.

MATCH 4-World Championship: Bobby Roode vs. Champion James Storm
Why does Roode’s shirt say “Off the chain”? Has he ever said that phrase even once? Last time I checked, that was one of Taz’s clichés. Could they have made Storm and Roode’s themes sound any more alike? Jeremy Borash plugs 5-Hour Energy before giving us the official announcements, then incorrectly calls Brian Hebner “Ryan”. Main events with corporate sponsorship = ratings. Tie-up to start, with Storm immediately going into a waistlock. Roode reverses and gets a snapmare into a rear chinlock. Storm reverses into a hammerlock, then a hip throw and a side headlock. Another hip throw/headlock combo by Storm. Another tie-up, with Storm going into a side headlock. Shoulder block off the ropes, but Roode comes back with a back elbow and bodyslam. Roode misses a jumping knee, hits a bodyslam and misses a jumping knee himself. They trade quick legsweeps and pinfall attempts, followed by a stalemate. Test of strength time, with Roode getting the better of it. He stomps Storm’s hand off and goes into an arm wringer. Storm reverses into one of his own. Roode reverses into an arm drag as we go to commercial.

Back from the break, Storm has Roode in the corner and is driving his shoulder into the midsection. Storm with a punch, but Roode throws Storm into the corner and hits some punches. Storm reverses and hits some open-hand chops. Roode reverses and hits knife edge chops. They do this sequence once more. Roode with a snapmare. He goes for the rolling neck snap, but Storm ducks and hits him with a high knee off the ropes. Storm goes for the pin and gets 2. Storm with a corner whip and a series of clotheslines against the turnbuckle. Storm with another whip, but Roode comes back with a clothesline. He goes up top, but Storm cuts him off with an uppercut. Storm goes up and hits a “super-duperplex off the tippy-top rope”, according to Taz. Ref starts the 10-count, but Storm gets to one foot to break the count. They trade a bunch of punches. Storm with a forearm and a pair of clotheslines off the ropes, followed by a back body drop. Roode kicks off a corner charge and hits a middle rope blockbuster for 2. Roode back drops Storm off a corner charge, but Storm lands on his feet and hits a kick to the back of the head. Storm goes up and hits a cross body, but Roode rolls through and gets a 2-conut. Roode looks for the Payoff, but Storm reverses into a lung blower for 2. Storm sets Roode up for the Eye of the Storm, but Roode slides out and hits the Double R spinebuster for 2. Storm comes back with a knee to the head and clotheslines Roode to the floor, going over as well. Hebner starts the count, but both get back in in time. Storm goes for the suspended DDT on the way back in, but Roode reverses into the Bowflex. Storm goes for the rope, but Roode blocks his arm and turns the move into a Rings of Saturn. Storm still manages to break the hold by getting his foot on the ropes. Roode sets Storm up on the top and looks for a middle rope superplex. Storm punches out and hits a gourdbuster from the top. He gets to his feet on the top and hits a flying elbow for 2. Storm is looking for the Last Call now. Roode catches the foot and immediately goes for the Payoff. Storm breaks out and whips Roode towards the corner, but Roode reverses. Storm puts on the breaks just as he’s about to collide with Hebner in the corner. Roode charges in as Storm not only jumps out of the way, but Hebner jumps down to the floor as well. Roode turns around into a double-knee facebuster from Storm, sending him to the floor. Hebner is selling a knee injury right now. Roode sees Storm’s beer bottle and, behind the ref’s back, smashes it over Storm’s head. Hebner’s back in, and he counts the 3.

WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: Bobby Roode. Well, that was a good match until the B.S. ending. After the match, Roode stands on Storm with one foot as he holds the belt in the air.

End of show.

Okay, so now onto why this was bittersweet. Yes, Roode is the champion, but 1) he won the belt in cheap fashion, which did nothing for his credibility in this whole series with him, Storm and Angle, 2) TNA is playing hot potato with the title, which is one of many things that killed WCW, and 3) much like James Storm, I’m expecting Roode’s title reign to be very short. Paper champion, lame-duck champion, transitional champion, call it what you will; Storm was one, and I have a very bad feeling Roode will become one as well. It’s a damn shame Roode is being booked this way, as he is really damn good at what he does for a living and deserved to win the belt cleanly.

Aside from that, this wasn’t a terrible episode of TNA. The talking was kept somewhat to a minimum, and the X-Division match was good. The main was really good until the ending, which just seemed totally forced.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 10-27-11 – Bobby Roode Earns A Title Shot

October 28, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

robert roodeWelcome to the 10/27/11 edition of Impact Wrestling. Show starts with a recap of Storm winning the World Championship last week, including a post-match interview that Storm apparently did after the show. If you watched last week, you already know what happened, and you can pretty much guess the content of Storm’s interview. He dedicated the win to his dad, who passed away several years back.

In the Impact Zone, World Champion James Storm comes out, and he’s got brand new entrance music and a video to go along with it. The music sounds very similar to Mickie James’ theme, save for the fact that her hideous voice is nowhere to be found. Storm thanks his dad, who passed away when he was 12. He told his dad he wanted to be a pro wrestler and a champion. He heard all the cliché comments like “you’re not big enough” and all that. Growing up, he and his dad watched football, NASCAR and pro wrestling, and “Dad, I’m the champion.” He thanks the fans, who made his dream come true. He then invites the rest of Fortune to the ring.

Kazarian, Bobby Roode and A.J. Styles make their way out to the ring. Does anyone else find their hand gesture ridiculous-looking? Storm says they have changed Impact Wrestling. Roode was brought out because everyone knows he was screwed out of the World title at Bound For Glory. While getting a drunk at a bar last night, he came up with a great idea-give Bobby Roode the first shot at the blet. Roode shakes his hand.

For whatever reason, Samoa Joe comes out. I’m going to guess that, despite not having won a match in months, he’s going to demand a shot because he’s supposedly the most deserving. Joe says he used to be a part of the group, fighting against the system. He congratulates Storm for transcending that, but it’s unusual to him that, for all the greatness Storm, Joe sees the same four scumbags he saw before Storm wound up with the belt. He sees another version of Immortal in them, wanting to keep the belt in the family, and “…judging by your background, that shouldn’t be too hard, hillbilly.” Okay, that was a great line. He asks if the other members of Fortune are going to be getting the next shots at the belt. Joe tells Storm who he’s going to give the next shot to. Storm is going to prove that it’s a brand new day, and he’s going to give that title shot to the most dominant force in TNA, Samoa Joe. Can I call this or what? Storm says when he looks at Joe, he sees a dumb bitch. Joe has already had his opportunity, and that window has closed. After Roode, maybe he will give a shot to Kazarian or Styles because they bust their asses every week. Where has Joe been? He was beaten by Crimson at BFG and Roode beat him a couple of months ago. Why should his dumb ass get jumped to the head of the line? As much as I hate to agree with James Storm here, he’s absolutely right. Joe’s been a glorified jobber for the last few months. Joe says it’s because he’s about to give a shot to a man who already failed miserably, pointing at Roode in the process.

Sting makes his way out. He says that’s why he’s here-to settle disputes. Joe and Roode both have really strong cases, so he’s going to make a decision. Tonight, a match will determine a new #1 contender, and the match will be between Samoa Joe and Bobby Roode, with the winner facing Storm next week in Macon, GA. Take a wild guess as to who wins that match. Roode, who won the BFG series and main evented BFG, or Joe, who probably won’t be with TNA much longer and has lost to practically every other wrestler in the company this year alone. Gee, tough call.

We see Christopher Daniels talking to Anonymous Interviewer backstage. He says before the interviewer even asks the dumb question, no, he did not say “I quit” at BFG. He looked into it and said Styles took some recordings of him and had them played over the sound system. Styles can’t beat him, and you know who else can’t? Bob Van Dam, and he’ll prove it next.

MATCH 1: Christopher Daniels vs. Rob Van Dam
I don’t think I’ve ever seen Daniels wrestle in pants before. It’s odd-looking. Tie-up to start. RVD turns it into an arm lock, but Daniels reverses into a roll-up for 2. RVD with a body scissors into a pin for 2. Another tie-up. Daniels with a side headlock. Shoulder block off the ropes. Series of misses. Daniels with a roll-up for 2. A.J. Styles comes in for commentary at this point. Daniels with some shots. He tries to ram RVD’s head into the turnbuckle, but RVD blocks with a kick and hits a standing moonsault for 2. RVD misses a roundhouse, and Daniels trips him up, with RVD, botching the landing into the bottom turnbuckle. Daniels with some elbows to the back of the neck and an STO gets 2. RVD kicks off a corner charge and gets some punches, but Daniels counters into a standing uranage. Daniels goes for the BME, but RVD rolls out of the way. Daniels lands on his feet, but eats a kick from RVD. A pair of clotheslines and a thrust kick from RVD. RVD with a monkey flip out of the corner and a springboard thrust kick. RVD goes for Rolling Thunder, but Daniels sees it coming and rolls to the floor. RVD with a cross body to the floor before throwing Daniels back in. He goes for the Five-Star, but Daniels sees that coming and goes back to the floor again. RVD sets Daniels up gut-first on the guardrail and hits the spinning legdrop from the ring apron. Daniels goes under the ring and grabs a toolbox and hits RVD in the gut with it, causing the DQ.

WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Rob Van Dam. Daniels begins fishing a screwdriver out of the box, but Styles runs down from the announcer’s desk. Daniels runs out through the crowd. A few years ago, RVD/Daniels would have been a great match, but at this point, Van Dam is just going through the motions & collecting a paycheck, and it shows. He’s gotten very lazy in the ring.

We see Karen Jarrett walking with Gail Kim, Traci Brooks and Madison Rayne. Oh, this should be stunning.

Back from the commercial as The Jarrett Horse Ranch makes its way to the ring. Karen orders Traci to hold the ropes open for both Maddy and Gail Kim. Gail says everyone can stop with the e-mails, texts and tweets asking her “Why, Gail? Why?” For starters, it’s none of your damn business. She doesn’t owe anyone an explanation. But if you want to know why Gail Kim gave Velvet Sky a concussion last week, she’d be happy to do so. Her entire career, all she ever did was do what everyone told her to do. First at TNA, then at “another company” (her words). It would have happened again if it hadn’t been for the person with her best interests in mind, Karen Jarrett. It’s not about the company you work for, or the fans who never put a dime in her pocket, it’s about her. If that’s really the case, coming to a company that heavily papers its crowds probably wasn’t the best decision, Gail. Anyway, she says she is now the center of attention, and it’s all about her being the one who gets noticed and getting treated like the main eventer she always was and will be.

Karen says since she is “the queen of my word” (again, her words), and she promised Gail that if she came back to TNA and stood by her side, it would all pay off. At Turning Point, Gail will get a Knockouts title match against Velvet, and the sooner they get the belt off that prostitute Velvet and around Gail’s waist, the better off we’ll all be. Gail says she promises she will not let Karen down, and most of all, she’s not going to let herself down, so bring out a piece of fresh meat right now so she can showcase her greatness. You know, it’s been a long time since I heard a Gail Kim promo. I now realize there was a reason for that.

MATCH 2: Gail Kim (w/Karen Diet Shasta Orange, The Scarecrow and Mrs. King) vs. Knockout Tag Team Co-Champion Tara
God, do I feel old with that reference. At least I know my good friend Kelly Ravelli will appreciate it. Tara is “fresh meat”? She’s older than Gail! As Tara tries to get in the ring, Kim just boots her in the face, sending her all the way down to the floor. Kim throws Tara into the ring and knocks her down from behind before slamming her face into the mat a couple of times. Kim gets some mounted punches in. Tara fights back with gut shots, but a forearm to the head takes her down. Tara with a boot off the ropes, but is taken right back down with a clothesline. She throws Tara out near the horsies. Traci tries to check on her, but is pulled away by Karen. Tara climbs back up on the apron and is slingshot back into the ring by Kim as we go to commercial.

Back from the break, Kim has a foot choke going in the corner. Kim with some more punches. She whips Kim in the corner. Tara moves but takes a back elbow. Kim locks in the Iron Octopus, but Tara turns it into a sidewalk slam. Tara with some punches and clotheslines. Tara hits a flipping neckbreaker for 2. Tara goes for the Spider’s Web, but Kim holds onto the top rope, escapes and sends Tara throat-first into the ropes. Tara turns around into the move that Kim used to call Eat Defeat, and this one’s over.

WINNER: Gail Kim. Tara looked like hell in this match, and it wasn’t because Gail was dominant. No, it was because her moves looked really sloppy, and she was moving at a snail’s pace.

We see Jeff Hardy in the back. He says it’s official, and he is back here in the Impact Zone for his first match back against Blubber Ray. It’s been a long time since they faced each other. In fact, it’s been a long time since he’s faced anyone, and it’s his chance to show everyone he can still do what he used to do.

In another area backstage, Bischoff and Ric Flair walk in. You know, if Dixie had any sense at all, she would have, you know, fired the two guys that stole her company from her in the first place, that being Hogan and Bischoff. Instead, both still have jobs, as does everyone else in Immortal. Logic be damned. Robbie E tries to stop them for whatever reason, but they blow him off. Flair tells Bischoff he needs to give his son some “tough love”, and that’s what he does with his kids.

I don’t know about the movie “Immortals” yet. I did love “300”, so it’s possible that this could be at least halfway decent.

MATCH 3: World Television Champion: Robbie E (w/Rob Terry) vs. Champion Eric Young
Hey, remember when Rob Terry was scheduled to become a main eventer? No? How about when he joined Immortal? Still no? How about when he inexplicably left Immortal to rejoin the British Invasion? No again? That’s alright. Neither does TNA, which explains him inexplicably leaving the British Invasion to hang out with Robbie E. Cookie was the only good thing Robbie E had going for him, but since TNA, in their infinite wisdom, canned her, he’s officially worthless. Eric Young gets in the ring and starts going after the referee, apparently thinking that’s his opponent. Young gets a forearm off the ropes on Robbie. Robbie whips Young into the corner, but Young does the Flair Flip onto the apron before doing some fist-pumping. Young baseball slides between Robbie’s legs to get back into the ring, and Robbie turns around into a belly-to-belly. Taz makes a Magnum TA reference, and for that, I thank him. Young goes for the piledriver, but Terry distracts him. Robbie back drops out of it. He goes for a corner charge, but Young gets the foot up. He follows that up with a crucifix for the pin.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Eric Young. After the match, Rob Terry hits Young from behind. Robbie E tells Terry to pick him up. He holds Young as Robbie E hits a gut shot. Terry picks him up again, with Robbie getting a knee to the gut. One more time. This time, he slaps Young before piefacing him to the mat. As the Robs head to the back, Young gets up and grabs a microphone. He asks who punches a person in the stomach. He’s never been accused of being the smartest guy in the world, but the Robs brought this on themselves. Young says he now has to bring in the “Hollywood heavies”. In Macon, GA, he’s bringing Ronnie from “The Jersey Shore”. Wonderful. Just wonderful. How exactly is that supposed to intimidate anyone? This match was totally pointless. It was obviously supposed to be a comedy match, except it wasn’t funny. And the introduction of yet another “Jersey Shore” waste of money didn’t help at all.

We see Eric Bischoff walking towards the ring, and with purpose. No one’s gonna tell him how to live his life, uh-uh, because if Eric Bischoff wants to rollerblade, Eric Bischoff rollerblades.

We see Christopher Daniels talking to someone on the phone named Bill, and how he’ll be on the podcast. He wants to know who he has to talk to to get a title match. It’s been 9 years, Chris. You’re just now wondering that? He tells “Bill” he beat RVD tonight and Styles at BFG, so “Bill” needs to put his name in and get the contract signed and done. Kazarian walks in as Daniels hangs up. He tells Daniels this stuff with Styles has to stop. All Kazarian is asking Daniels is to talk to him friend-to-friend after the show. Daniels agrees to it.

We now see Blubber Ray talking to Anonymous Interviewer. He wants to know if Jeff Hardy pissed in Sting’s Corn Flakes. His first match back, and he gets Blubber, the one guy who probably knows him better than anyone else. They’ve made history together, and he’s the guy who can make Jeff’s first match back his last match back. He’s never respected Jeff because rehab is for quitters. Well, then you should respect the hell out of Jeff, Blubber, because he’s never gone!

In yet another backstage area, we see Garrett Bischoff, who is shirtless for some reason. He says for the last 18 months, he’s done everything his dad’s told him to do, and he’s been brainwashed. This leads to a highlight video showing all of Junior Bischoff’s questionable calls during the time he’s been in TNA. He says he’s always idolized his dad, but he doesn’t want to do that anymore. I’m going to take a wild guess that Garrett Bischoff will be making his in-ring debut soon.

Back in the Impact Zone, Eric Bischoff makes his way to the ring. He appears to have a goiter on his neck. Wonder if he used to take Mahatma Ghandi’s bald head, dip it in oil and rub it all over his body? Bischoff gets a microphone and tells the crowd to shut up. He has some important family business to take care of. He’s always tried to keep his personal and business lives separate, but his first-born son has decided to make that way more complicated than it needed to be. He tells Garrett to get his ass down here for a father/son chat.

Garrett Bischoff makes his way down to the ring. Eric says that, since Garrett took it upon himself to embarrass his dad on television by punching him between the “frickin’ eyes”, he’s willing to forgive that. His future is right in front of him. He raised Garrett to follow in his footsteps. He did not waste perfectly good semen on someone to fail him when he needed them the most. He allowed Garrett to learn the business from the inside-out from when he was 4 and Eric took him inside the AWA television studio. He’s learned more about the business by accident than most people who study it. Garrett rolls his eyes and head at this. Eric gave him that opportunity because he knew some day he could depend on Garrett, and Garrett could do the right thing. Garrett let him down, embarrassed him, and embarrassed the entire Bischoff family for generations back. Eric says he could kick Garrett’s ass right now, but he’s not going to do that quite yet. He’s going to give Garrett what he normally doesn’t give anyone. Garrett says this is not the way he wants this to go down. Eric doesn’t give a damn, “you selfish little prick”. He’s going to give Garrett the next 30-45 minutes to make a decision: he’s either going to apologize to his dad, or dad’s going to kick his ass. Garrett kind of looks like he belongs in “West Side Story” or “The Outsiders”.

Backstage, Ric Flair is yelling at Anonymous Interviewer. He says that’s not what he calls respect. Garrett is an ungrateful punk kid living in his father’s shadow. He’s going to go find that kid right now and talk to that kid about respect. If Eric doesn’t smack Garrett around, he will. You’re going to go find that kid, Ric? How about, oh, I don’t know, looking in the ring where he was just standing 5 seconds ago?

Back from commercial, Flair has found Garrett. He tells Garrett to address him by his name “Gawd”. When he first learned Garrett wanted in the business, he got excited. It’s a business that needs young men, not disrespectful punks like him. Flair says Garrett is not big enough, man enough or big enough balls to be where his father’s already been. Punks are being broken into the business every day. Flair says Eric needs to kick Garrett’s ass in front of everyone. He’s sick of whining, crying punks like him, as the business is full of them. Flair says he may go out there with Eric to kick Garrett’s ass as well. Garrett better think really hard, because he’s going to have to deal with Er-Ric. He then shoves Garrett a bunch of times before calling him a “f*cking punk”. Holy hell, Ric Flair spits a lot when he talks. I’ve always known this, but it was really on display here.

We then move onto a Jeff Hardy highlight video, including a clip of him with his daughter, who is wearing a baby’s Ed Hardy t-shirt. That poor child. Just when I thought I couldn’t hate Jeff Hardy any more than I already do…

AAA Mega Champion Jeff Jarrett makes his way down to the ring. He grabs a microphone. He tells producer Keith Mitchell he forgot one piece of footage in that video package, that being what happened with Victory Road. He says let’s see the footage of when Jeff Hardy main evented Turning Point 2006. You know why we can’t air it? Because it doesn’t exist because the no-good son-of-a-bitch didn’t show up.

Jeff Hardy’s music hits as he makes his way to the ring. Jeff Hardy: Role model for junkies everywhere. They go to brawl, but security and Earl Hebner immediately break things up. From behind, Blubber Ray attacks Jeff and knocks him down. This leads to the next match as Blubber pulls his wallet chain off.

MATCH 4: Jeff Hardy vs. Bully Ray
Ray starts off with some stomps as the bell rings. Ray with a punch. Ray with a chop to the chest in the corner. Another punch. Commercial.

Yes, I have pre-ordered the collector’s edition of “Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception”, and yes, it will be amazing.

Back from the break, Hardy goes for a cross body. Ray catches him and throws him, but Hardy lands on his feet behind Ray before hitting a reverse enziguri. Ray stumbles back into the corner. Hardy with some shots. Ray reverses a corner whip. Hardy gets the elbow up and hits Whisper in the Wind. Hardy goes for the Twist of Fate, but Ray shoves him off into the ropes and hits a big boot off the rebound. Ray with a Trapezius claw now. Hardy tries to fight out with elbows, but Ray pulls him down to the mat by the hair. Ray with a bodyslam and an elbow drop for 2. Ray slams Hardy’s head into the corner, followed by a corner whip and an avalanche for another 2. Ray with a crossface shot. As this match is going on, we see a Twitter feed from Impact Wrestling, asking fans their favorite Jeff Hardy match. Of course, none of the responses shown will mention any of his WWE matches, despite the fact that all of his best work was there. Ray with more crossface shots. He misses an elbow, and Hardy comes back with punches. Ray gets a knee up and an open-hand chop in the corner. Ray goes for another corner charge, but Hardy gets the feet up. He follows with a clothesline and a middle rope legdrop for 2. Ray comes back with a back body drop off the ropes, but misses a splash. Hardy hits the Twist of Fate, follows that with the Swanton Bomb, and gets the 3.

WINNER: Jeff Hardy. Well, Hardy didn’t botch anything, but there was no flow to this match at all. You would think two guys who have worked together close to 1000 times could put on a better show. Oh, wait. One of those guys is the Jeff Hardy of today. Never mind.

After the match, Christy Hemme comes down for an interview. She welcomes him back to Impact Wrestling. Jeff says he’s off to a good start and would like to welcome everyone back into his life. Jeff Jarrett comes in from behind with a shot to the back. He throws Jeff back in the ring, where he runs into a clothesline from Blubber’s wallet chain. Jeff Jarrett slides a table in the ring as they appear to be setting up for a middle rope superbomb through the table. Just then, Mr. Anderson’s music hits. He runs to the ring and chases Jarrett and Ray off.

Backstage, Bobby Roode says he’s got a ton of things going through his mind. His partner’s World Champion, and now he gets another opportunity to become champion. Tonight, he has Samoa Joe, who he is ready for.

MATCH 5-Winner becomes the #1 contender for the World Championship: Samoa Joe vs. Bobby Roode
Wow. We’re getting the main event with 20 minutes left in the show? Could it be we’ll actually get a reasonably-long main event? Bobby Roode has new music of his own as well and…well, it sounds like a combination of Storm’s new music and Mickie James’. Can TNA do an original theme song at all? For L. Ron Hubbard’s sake, Karen and Jeff Jarrett have the exact same theme, only the beat has been slowed down for Karen’s. This main event is brought to you by 5-Hour Energy because main events need sponsors. 5-Hour Energy: We have some of the stupidest commercials on television right now; how could we NOT be associated with TNA? Tie-up to start as Joe backs Roode into the corner. Joe with some punches that send Roode to the mat. Roode comes back with his own corner punches and kicks. Joe reverses a corner whip, but Roode comes back with a clothesline and a neckbreaker for 2. Glad to see Roode’s got less cheap-looking gear on tonight. Roode with a corner whip, but Joe gets his elbow up. He goes for a clothesline, but Roode turns it into the Bowflex. Joe immediately breaks this by sliding to the floor. Joe pulls Roode to the floor and rams him back-first into the apron, followed by a knife-edge to the chest. Joe throws Roode back in, but Roode comes back with punches and a chop. He bounces off the ropes, but runs right into a powerslam for 2. Joe with an inverted atomic drop, big boot and running senton for 2. Joe goes into a reverse chinlock, which he then turns into a modified dragon sleeper. Roode fights out with elbows, but runs right into a forearm shot. Joe goes back to the reverse chinlock. Roode fights out again, but Joe comes back with a punch and an inverted atomic drop. Roode in turn hits the “Double R” spinebuster. Trading shots now, with Roode getting the better. Joe comes back with some slaps. Roode comes back with a flying forearm and a clothesline. Roode boots off a corner charge and hits the blockbuster from the middle rope for 2. Roode goes for the Payoff, but Joe reverses into a Death Valley driver for 2. Joe sets up for the Muscle Buster, but Roode fights out and locks on the Bowflex. Joe reverses into a pin for 2. Joe hits an over-the-shoulder gutbuster, but Roode is selling a knee injury instead. Taz called the move a “kneebreaker”, despite the fact that it was clearly not. Joe picks Roode up, but Roode boots him off into the corner. Joe walks right into the Payoff out of the corner as Roode gets 3.

WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: Bobby Roode. I really truly believed Joe would win this match. I am totally not lying. Anyway, this was a good match, even though they only gave the match 10 minutes. That means Bischoff/Bischoff will eat up ANOTHER 10 minutes of time tonight. Haven’t these two already had enough TV time wasted on them tonight. Considering Joe is likely to not resign his TNA contract when it runs out and the losing streak, I’d say it’s guaranteed he’s either ROH or WWE bound soon.

Eric Bischoff is backstage with Anonymous Interviewer. He says he’s looking forward to this crap with his son. We’re going to see what tough love is all about.

Eric Bischoff once again makes his way down to the ring. Eric says it’s kind of embarrassing to have his private life play out on national television, but the great thing is families can put things behind them and move on, which is what he’s hoping he and his son can do. He calls Garrett to come down and say what he has to say. Eric tells Garrett that, before Garrett apologizes, he has something to get off his chest. He knows there’s always two sides of every coin, and he forgives Garrett. He knows what it’s like to be young and dumb, let things get to you and cloud your judgment. He tells Garrett to tell the world he’s sorry, and everything will go back to the way it was. Garrett just looks out into the crowd. “Kick his ass” chant. Eric tells Garrett he’s pushing him to the point he may not be able to forgive, so friggin’ apologize now and do as he says. Garrett shakes his head “no”. Eric slaps him upside the head repeatedly. Garrett grabs Eric by the collar and acts like he’s going to punch him. Flair comes down to break it up. He tells Garrett he needs to get his act together, and Ric Flair don’t take it easy. Garrett is going to apologize now. He pushes Garrett and tells him to apologize and kiss his ass. Flair pushes him again. Flair says he’s really going to mess him up. Flair takes his coat off and pushes Garrett. Garrett punches him in the face and rips his shirt off. Flair and Eric each give him a low blow. Flair stomps him and drops a knee to the junk. He backs Garrett in the corner and hits some chops and punches. Another kick to the junk. He holds Garrett up and slaps him in the chest a few times before going back to the stomps. Flair gets on a microphone and tells someone, “Kiss my ass, fatso!” Flair has no business calling anyone fat at this point. How much you want to bet the main event of Turning Point will be Flair/Eric vs. Garrett/Hogan?

End of show.

The main event was good, but too short. Is TNA allergic to giving us longer matches? You telling me they couldn’t have combined the Bischoff segments together and given Roode & Joe another 5-10 minutes?

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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