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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 12-15-11 – Sting Fires The Jarretts!

December 16, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Sting fires the JarrettsWelcome to the 12/15/11 edition of Impact Wrestling. We start the show with highlights from Final Resolution, which sounded like a pretty terrible show overall. Tonight isn’t looking better, as we will see the start of a wild card tag team tournament to determine new #1 contenders for the World Tag Team titles. In the Impact Zone, Mike Tenay informs us we will be starting things off with a Final Resolution 5-minute “Overtime” match for the World title as Roode will once again defend the belt against AJ Styles. Wait. You mean they’re not waiting 30-60 minutes to feature the first match? Another Festivus miracle!

MATCH 1-World Championship (5-minute time limit): AJ Styles vs. Champion Bobby Roode
While I applaud TNA for finally starting a show with not only a match but a World title match, the fact that this match is only guaranteed a maximum of 5 minutes isn’t a good sign. Something’s wrong with the camera work here. It feels, for lack of a better word, fuzzy. After the bell, Roode immediately goes to the floor. Styles follows and lands a punch. Styles gets Roode back in the ring and hits a springboard cross body for 1. Pair of hard corner whips and a back body drop gets 2. Styles goes into a hip throw, followed by a side headlock. Roode reverses into a headscissors, and the sequence is repeated 2 more times. Styles goes for the side headlock again. Roode tries for a leg breaker, but Styles reverses into a sunset flip for 2. We’re down to less than 3 minutes. Roode with a single-leg takedown, but Styles kicks Roode off into the corner. He lays in some punches, knife edges and stomps. Roode kicks at Styles’ injured leg, taking him down immediately. Roode drags Styles to the ring post and goes outside to wrap the leg around the post, but Styles pushes him off into the guardrail. Styles gets back up and goes for a slingshot dive, but Roode sees it coming. Styles lands on his feet on the apron, but Roode clips the bad leg and sends Styles to the floor before sliding back into the ring. Styles gets back in, where Roode grabs the bad leg and slams it into the mat before stomping on it a bit. Styles kicks him off and hits a hurricanrana from the mat. He goes to the middle rope and hits the moonsault inverted DDT. He goes for a pin, but Roode gets his foot on the rope for 2. One of the best moonsault DDTs Styles has ever hit, honestly. Roode thumbs Styles in the eye and slides to the floor as we’ve got less than 20 seconds. Roode tries to do it again after getting back in the ring, but Styles Pele’s him from the floor, knocking him out. There’s less than 10 seconds left. Styles hits the springboard 450 splash, but the bell rings right as Styles gets back up.

WINNER: No contest via time-limit draw. After the match, the crowd is once more chanting “5 more minutes”. Of course, this causes Sting to make his way out, complete with one of the ugliest jackets you have ever seen in your life. It makes Sting’s old Sgt. Pepper jackets look like Armani suits in comparison. Sting says we can do this all night long, and says that the first fall wins it. I guess this means the match is restarted.

Bell rings and Roode immediately clips Styles’ bad leg before locking on a sweet single-leg Boston crab. He’s sitting down on Styles as much as possible, and Styles quickly taps.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Bobby Roode. Considering the match (counting the restart) was less than 6 minutes, this was some solid stuff. Too bad TNA can’t give us TV matches like this more frequently.

Back from commercials, we see Bobby Roode in the back, talking to Anonymous Interviewer. He says it doesn’t matter how long it takes as long as you get the job done, and tonight, he got the job done. Sting wants to come out and put another 5 minutes on the clock, guess what? Roode did it again. This cuts over to AJ Styles, who says he was “that close” to winning the belt again. Cut back to Roode. Styles tried to beat him, but he couldn’t get the job done. The difference between them is Roode gets the job done. Jeff Hardy wants a shot? Good. He’s ready for Jeff Hardy.

MATCH 2-“Wild Card” Tournament Quarterfinal: Hernandez and Robbie T (with Rosita and Sarita) vs. Abyss and Scott Steiner
I guess Terry is officially going by “Robbie T” now. That’s so original. Before Abyss and Steiner come out, we see them talking in the back. Steiner says he’s under direct orders from Mr. Bischoff to make this work tonight, but he still owes Abyss. “I agree with Bischoff that you’re better, you make us better. I got your own music. Team, right? Team, right? Let’s go get ‘em! You’re a monster, let’s go get ‘em! We’re a team, right? Come on!” Not one of Steiner’s best efforts there. I’m very disappointed. Perhaps he can redeem himself later. They make their way to the ring, and the match gets started. Steiner and Hernandez start for their teams. Steiner with a boot to the gut, a throw to the corner, some boots, a chop and a punch. Another chop. Corner charge and corner clothesline send Hernandez to the floor in the corner. Hernandez boots Steiner and backflips up to the top rope, but Steiner cuts him off with a middle rope overhead belly-to-belly superplex. Robbie runs in, but Steiner catches him with a belly-to-belly, followed by a clothesline on Hernandez. Steiner hits the posing elbow drop, but breaks it to do some pushups. Why do referees always yell at him for breaking his own pin? Since when is that illegal? Steiner asks Abyss for a tag, but Abyss doesn’t care. Steiner turns around into a clothesline from Robbie. Hernandez chokes Steiner with his t-shirt. For a second there, it looked like Hernandez is missing some teeth. Hernandez with some shoulder thrusts in the corner before tagging in Robbie. Hernandez whips Robbie into Steiner in the corner, then follows up with an avalanche. Hernandez whips Steiner into Robbie, who catches him with a bodyslam before dropping Hernandez into a gourdbuster onto Steiner for 2. Hernandez tags in, and they hit a double shoulder block on Steiner. Abyss made a blind tag in off the rope bounce. The heels turn around into a double clothesline. Abyss with more clotheslines and a pair of avalanches. Hernandez gets hit with a chokeslam. Robbie attacks from behind, but runs right into the Black Hole Slam. He points at Steiner instead of going for the pin, then tags him in. Steiner makes the pin and gets the 3. Great, except Robbie T wasn’t legal.

WINNERS: Abyss and Scott Steiner. Steiner goes to leave the ring, but Abyss pulls him back in and raises his arm in victory. Steiner looks on in confusion before going back to celebrating.

We see Kurt Angle walking around backstage, being followed by Anonymous Interviewer. Angle turns toward the camera and says he’s had just about enough of Sting. It’s time for him to do something about it.

Kurt Angle makes his way out to the ring. He calls Sting out immediately, because he’s got a few things to get off his chest. Sting’s music hits and he makes his way down. Do you find it funny that Sting immediately stopped being crazy the second he beat Hogan? Apparently, TNA forgot all about the crazy man gimmick. Angle says he’s going to tell Sting why he called him out, but for the first time in his life, Sting’s going to shut up and listen. First of all, he gets booked in a World title match with James Storm with less than 90 minutes to prepare, and Storm screws him with a loaded boot to the chin. Same thing happened in their rematch at Final Resolution. He’s Kurt freaking Angle, the master of every submission hold known to man. He could make Sting cry for his mommy, but he’s not going to do that. All he wants is his rematch with James Storm, and Sting’s going to give it to him. Sting thinks Angle is kidding. Storm says it’s time for everyone to cowboy up around here, including Angle. Sting says Storm is done with Angle, and it’s time for him to move onward and upward to Bobby Roode. Ta-ta for now. Angle tells Sting it seems like he has it out for him and Bobby Roode. He likes the way Storm plays cowboy. Maybe Angle should play cowboy. Maybe he’ll go to Storm’s hometown and beat the crap out of everyone there. Maybe that will make Storm accept and see he’s a bigger badass than Storm could ever dream of being. Ta-ta for now.

MATCH 3-Match 1 in a Best-of-3 Series: Anthony Nese vs. Zema Ion
Apparently, the winner of this 3-match series goes onto Genesis in a 4-way for the X-Division title, which also includes champion Austin Aries, Kid Kash and Jesse Sorensen. Nese immediately with a waistlock takedown. Ion battles out, but runs into a pair of arm drags. Nese hits a modified shining wizard for 2. Ion comes back with a knee to the gut, but runs into a jumping spin kick. Nese trips him up and hits an inside-out Asai moonsault, followed by a running knee to the gut in the corner and a running knee on the mat, sending Ion to the floor. Nese follows up with a running somersault plancha to the floor. Nese throws Ion back in and hits a springboard clothesline for another 2. Nese looks like a smaller Chris Masters. Nese runs into a boot out of the corner. Ion goes up top, but Nese hits a kick and a roll into a European uppercut while Ion is still on the turnbuckle. Nese jumps to the top and goes for a hurricanrana, but Ion holds on and hits a seated missile dropkick. Ion follows up with an inverted atomic drop and a strange-looking dropkick. He goes for the pin, but pulls Nese’s head up to break it. Ion hits a back suplex into a facebreaker and goes for a pin, but pulls Nese up again. He drags Nese to the corner to set up for the 450, which does connect. Ion holds onto the pin this time and gets the 3.

WINNER: Zema Ion. Not a bad match, although Nese completely dominated until the last 60 seconds or so. The score is 1-0 for Ion.

Backstage, we see Karen and Jeff Diet Shasta Orange walk into the building. Karen’s already in mid-sentence by the time they open the door. She says everything tonight stinks. Jeff calls it the biggest “clustermess in the entire world”. 2 days before his match with Hardy, Sting added the stipulation that if he got beat, Hardy became #1 contender to the World title. Actually, going by TV, it was 3 days, Jeff. Anyway, Jeff continues onto say that Sting is firing one of them tonight. Karen says that won’t happen because she’s bowing out and going home. Jeff says he’s going to do it. They then argue about who’s going home. A stagehand comes up and says Sting wants to talk to Jeff in about an hour. They continue to argue over who’s going home.

Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice (I feel really old now)…Zema Ion is celebrating backstage. Anonymous Interviewer is following him. Ion tells him he has the prettiest wrestling gear, the prettiest wrestling moves, and tonight, you saw the prettiest wrestling match by the prettiest wrestler in the company. He’s sick of waiting at home for opportunities, and tonight, he made the most of this one. From now on, it’s all about “Me, myself and Ion.”

Backstage, we see Ric Flair and Gunner. Flair says tonight’s the night he makes a name for himself. Jesse Neal’s a great wrestler, but in Gunner’s world, he doesn’t exist. Tonight, they make an example out of him.

MATCH 4: Jesse Neal vs. Gunner (w/Ric Flair)
I’m expecting Neal to take a botched piledriver on the floor tonight after he gets squashed. Call it a hunch. Gunner starts off with a trip and some punches to the head. Neal gets back up, and Gunner tackles him into the corner. Gunner with some punches, sending Neal to the mat. Gunner throws Neal into the opposite corner, sending him to the mat once again. Gunner stomps Neal’s wrist, then throws him over the top rope to the floor. Gunner follows him out. Earl Hebner tries to get between them, but Gunner throws him down, leading to the disqualification.

WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Jesse Neal. Ric Flair grabs Neal’s legs and knee drops him in the ‘nads. He pulls the floor mat up for Gunner, who instead of hitting a piledriver, only slightly botches a DDT on the floor instead. Well, I was close. EMTs and officials come out to check on Neal as Gunner screams “Broken!” at the crowd. Whatever. So long, Jesse Neal. We hardly knew ye.

Up next, Jeff Hardy. Great.

Holy hell. Just under an hour into this show and we’ve already had four matches. What universe is this? Back from the break, we see Sting and Karen Jarrett together. Karen is telling Sting he looks amazing, and this is the best he’s ever looked. Sting wants to know what she wants. She says he can’t fire her. There’s a hundred Jeff Jarretts out there. A hundred guys could take his spot. When God created her, he broke the mold. When he created Karen Jarrett, he broke the mold. She needs someone to watch the kids so she can be here and help him run the show. Sting says he’s known Jeff Jarrett since Jeff was a little kid. There’s no way we’re going to go through with this without hearing from him. He’s heard from her, so he’ll hear from him as well. Karen says she understands, but wants to make sure Sting knows where she’s coming from. He runs the show while she runs the Knockouts division. Sting says he does see where she’s coming from, and they’re good. After she leaves, Sting stops smiling and says, “Poor Jeff.” That whole segment really made sense when Karen Jarrett was begging Jeff to be sent home a few minutes ago. And yes, I get that her whole character is supposed to be an ass kisser and a gold digger. Too bad she has no idea how to play the role.

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Jeff Hardy comes out. He says he’s still sore from the cage match on Sunday. He bit his lip on the way out here (must’ve had a little bit of coke left on it), and now he’s the #1 contender. On the 8th day, Genesis, creatures become champions. Yeah, okay. He’s going to do everything in his power to make 2012 the most memorable year in his career. For some reason, Sabu’s music hits. Oh. It’s Blubber Ray’s music. Never mind. Blubber comes out and says Hardy is in an awfully good mood for somebody who has no clue who they’re fighting tonight. Blubber talks about tweeting and Twitter. Maybe if Hardy had more of a life, he’d be doing something more creative. He’ll give Hardy three guesses as to who he’s fighting tonight, but he’ll only need one. The biggest, baddest, most feared guy in this company today. Him. Someone who knows him better than just about anybody else, someone’s who’s been kicking Hardy’s head in for 15 years. Blubber’s not really that pissed off at Hardy. Actually, he has to thank him. Remember last year when Hardy couldn’t make it to that PPV main event because of his little “problem”? Remember that? The next day, Blubber took Hardy’s place in Immortal. He’s better than Jeff Hardy, and is going to prove it tonight. He’s not a stepping stone; he’s a freight train, and Hardy’s standing on his tracks.

Backstage, we see Samoa Joe talking to Magnus. Remember him? Joe says he doesn’t know anything about Magnus, and he doesn’t care to know Magnus. Magnus is the anchor attached to this opportunity, an opportunity for him. He doesn’t go around talking his way where he should be fighting his way, and Magnus better not stand in his way. Magnus tells Joe that, first of all, Joe needs to back up out of his face. He’s using the word opportunity a lot. He’s talking to somebody who doesn’t get any opportunities around here either. It’s either piss or get off the pot, and they need to go out there and win this tournament.

Up next, Joe and Magnus will face TV Champion Robbie E and Magnus’ partner, Douglas Williams, another guy that hasn’t been seen in months for no reason.

MATCH 5-“Wild Card” Tournament Quarterfinal: World Television Champion Robbie E and Douglas Williams vs. Magnus and Samoa Joe
Magnus looks a hell of a lot like Hugh Jackman. Just saying. Magnus and Williams start things off with a tie-up. Williams goes into a waistlock. They trade a few moves, including the headlock/head scissors sequence, leading into a stalemate. Williams with an arm wringer, and he tags in Robbie. Robbie with a kick to the arm, but gets cut off with a clothesline. Magnus goes to bounce off the ropes, but Williams knees him in the back. Williams tags in and whips Magnus into the corner, hits a running knee and a snap suplex. Robbie tags back in and hits a…a…well, I’m not sure. It looked like a headbutt, but then it looked like a forearm drop. Tenay says it’s a fist drop, so we’ll go with that. Granted, Tenay doesn’t know his ass from his elbow at this point. Robbie gets 2 before Joe breaks it up. Robbie hits a side-Russian legsweep into an STO for 2. Robbie goes for another move, but Magnus backdrops out of it. Robbie tags in Williams, who prevents Magnus from making the tag. He goes for the Chaos Theory, but Magnus holds onto the top turnbuckle and tags in Joe. Joe takes Williams down with a clothesline, a forearm shot, an inverted atomic drop and a running boot. He follows up with a running senton for 2. Williams hits a forearm, but runs into a powerslam. Joe goes for a pin, but Robbie tries to break it up with an elbow. Joe sees him coming and moves, causing Robbie to drop the elbow on Williams. Joe corner whips Robbie, but Robbie reverses. He goes to the middle rop again, but Joe casually walks out of the way. He gets Robbie in the corner, hits a back kick and a jumping kick to the head. Joe hits a snapmare, and Magnus hits a middle rope elbow from the opposite side. Williams climbs to the top rope, but Magnus sees him coming and falls into the ropes, crotching Williams. Joe picks Williams up in the Muscle Buster, hits it and gets the 3.

WINNERS: Magnus and Samoa Joe. Wait…what? Joe won a match? Really? Well, I’ll be damned.

Backstage, we now see Jeff Jarrett and Sting talking. Jeff says they’ve known each other for 25 years, and now it’s come to this. Who would’ve thought? He compliments Sting on the jacket. It’s been tough these last four days, and he knows Karen’s been talking to Sting and blowing his phone up. He says she’s anxious and nervous, and Sting has to know where she’s coming from. Sting has to know what firing Karen will do to her, so he begs Sting to let her down easy. Jeff says a woman has no place in this business, and besides that, Karen wants to be home with the kids. When Sting breaks the news to her, be as gentle and nice as possible. Sting asks if Jeff is sure Karen wants to stay at home with the kids. Jeff says the last year has been tough on her, and she’s understanding about being let go tonight, so be gentle with her. This whole double backstabbing angle is just so wonderful and creative and original. How much you want to bet Sting fires them both tonight instead of picking one? I mean, who the hell wouldn’t see that coming?

Back from commercials, we see Eric Young talking to Anonymous Interviewer. He’s in the tag tournament, then rambles on about a China hat and Chinese restaurants, then something about talking to his mom every morning. He continues to ramble on as ODB walks in on him. ODB informs him she’s his partner in the tournament. Young likes the idea as ODB shakes her jugs at him. Young continues his rambling.

Back in the Impact Zone, Devon makes his way out. We see some still photos of him and Pope getting beat by Crimson and Matt Morgan at Final Resolution. Devon calls Pope out, saying they need to talk about their situation. He wants to settle things right now. Pope makes his way out, accompanied by Devon’s kids, Terrence and Terrell. Devon says he doesn’t know what’s going on here, or why his boys are with Pope. They are his kids. Like any parent out here, he will take a bullet or stand in front of a bus to make sure their safety is number one. He was there when they were born, when they came home from the hospital, when they were sick, to put clothes on their back, to put food on the table. He gets up every morning to take them to school. He’s the one who is training them now. He understands Pope has to do what he has to do, but these are his boys. He’s going to train them his way, and bring them up his way. No disrespect to Pope, but this is over starting now. Let’s go home and train the right way. He loves his sons, and that’s all they need to know. He starts to drag his kids out of the ring, but Pope says Devon is going to listen to him now. These boys want a cool dad. They want someone who is with the times and can move forward. The difference between Devon and Pope is Devon wants to chauffeur them to parties, but when they’re with Pope, he gets them a limousine and let them be chauffeured. With Devon showing them old tapes of the “Bingo Hall”, what the hell are they supposed to learn from that? Devon can lose all the weight he wants, but he’ll never be as fly or as pimping as “The Pope”. That’s just the way it is, and they know that. Devon starts to walk away. Pope tells him not to walk away like Devon’s wife did. Pope says they should have been his seed, but don’t worry, because he and their mom are working on that. Devon’s had enough, and he decks Pope repeatedly. The boys step between them and hold Devon off. They share a group hug, which allows Pope to kick Devon square in the nuts from behind. Pope looks at Terrence and Terrell and smiles. They smile back and let Pope beat on Devon. They each put on a pair of Pope’s sunglasses and pick Devon up. Pope chalks up his hands for some reason, then begins smacking Devon around. The three of them stand over Devon triumphantly.

Up next, Traci Brooks vs. Madison Rayne.

Jesus Christ monkey balls. Who in the hell thought giving iJustine her own show was a good idea? Seriously, if you don’t know who this woman is, look her up on Twitter some time. I’d call her retarded, but that would imply that those who are mentally challenged aren’t smarter than her. Leave it to Spike TV.

Back from the break, we see Karen and Jeff Jarrett trying to calm each other down. Karen tells Jeff she told Sting that he’s irreplaceable here. No one can take his place. She, on the other hand, is replaceable. She says she told Sting she needs to be at home with the kids. Jeff says he told Sting that he knows a star when he sees one, and Karen Jarrett is a star. Women are put on a pedestal in this business. The stagehand from before shows up and says that Sting would like to see both of them immediately.

MATCH 6: Traci Brooks vs. Knockout Tag Team Co-Champion Madison Rayne
As Rayne makes her way onto the stage, Brooks runs from the ring and tackles her on the stage. She whips Rayne gut-first into the ring apron, then throws her in the ring. The match officially starts. Brooks with a hair whip and a clothesline in the corner, sending Rayne to the mat. Brooks chokes her with a foot, then her hands. Rayne trips Brooks, sending her into the middle rope. Forearm to the back, followed by a rope choke. Rayne puts Brooks on the bottom rope and chokes her with her knee. Rayne hits a neckbreaker across the middle rope, sending her to the floor. Brooks gets back in the ring on her own, and gets slammed face-first into the mat for 2. Rayne with a foot choke on the bottom turnbuckle. She props Brooks up, but misses a corner charge. Brooks hits a jawbreaker and a running knee into the ropes. Clothesline after that, but Rayne comes back with the knee. Rayne hits the Rayne Drop, but Brooks kicks out at 2. Stomp to the head after that, and that’s it.

WINNER: Madison Rayne. Win via a standard kick to the head? Really? Whatever.

Up next, Meth Hardy vs. Blubber Ray.

I love these commercials for limited edition coins. They talk about how in demand they are, how limited the supply is, etc., yet you NEVER see these commercials stop airing.

After the break, we see the Jarretts in Sting’s office. Jeff says he’s spent the entire night consoling Karen Jarrett, and 2012 will be the year of Karen Jarrett and Impact Wrestling. Karen says the opposite, saying she needs to be with the kids. Sting looks at them both and says he takes it neither one of them have seen a single segment of the show tonight. He’s confused because both of them said the opposite earlier tonight. Sting tells Karen what Jeff actually said. He then tells Jeff what Karen actually said. The happy couple accuses him of being a liar and just stirring the pot. Sting responds by showing them footage from earlier when he was with Karen, except it’s from a different camera angle than we saw. Because, you know, we needed TWO hidden cameras for those segments. We then see footage from Sting and Jeff, as the Jarretts yell and scream at each other incoherently. This is giving me a splitting headache. Sting tells them both to be quiet. He’s going to help them both right now by (wait for it) firing both of them.

Back in the Impact Zone, Taz and “Professor” are arguing about what just happened. All of a sudden, Bobby Roode’s music hits and he makes his way to the announce desk for some color commentary.

MATCH 7: Bully Ray vs. Jeff Hardy
Hardy comes out and not only high-fives one of the camera guys, but one of the stupidest-looking fans you’ve ever seen who is sitting in the front row. Just point that out. Bully Ray is now doing JBL’s cow moo as his taunt. I guess he needs to build his finisher meter early. As the bell rings, Ray immediately goes to work on Hardy with punches. He gets Hardy in the corner and fires off more punches. More punches, this time to the kidney. More punches. Ray ties Hardy up in the tree of woe and…hits more punches. Ray finally varies his offense for the evening and hits a delayed vertical suplex. Ray locks in a bearhug. Hardy elbows his way out, but runs into a back body drop for 2. Ray tries to pin him a couple more times, only getting 2 each time. Bodyslam near the corner, but Ray misses the Vader Bomb. Hardy comes back with punches, a running forearm, a clothesline and a hooking clothesline for 2. Ray reverses a corner whip, but takes a spinning headscissors out of the corner. Ray goes for the Bully Bomb, but Hardy reverses into the Twist of Fate for 2. Ray catches Hardy off the ropes with a sidewalk slam for 2. He misses a splash off the ropes. Hardy hits the Twist of Fate a second time, getting the 3.

WINNER: Jeff Hardy. After the match, Hardy points at Roode. Roode makes his way down as Ray and Hardy punch each other some more. Despite setting my DVR to go an extra five minutes here, it cut off at the punches, so I’m not sure what happened after that. I doubt I missed much.

End of show.

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WWE Reboot: Several Characters That Could Succeed If Rebooted – Urena’s Universe

December 09, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Ultimate Warrior The UndertakerA lot of great characters have come out of wrestling, but what about the characters that are perceived as not so great, classic characters that are considered wrestle crap? A lot of great wrestlers have been given terrible gimmicks that just didn’t connect with fans at the time.

I am not taking anything away from the performers who have given themselves to these horrendous characters, but I think with the right amount of tweaking and this new age of wrestling I think certain characters would work better now than they did years ago. I present to you ten characters/ gimmicks that I think could work now if done a tiny bit differently than its predecessors.

The Brooklyn Brawler - Steve Lombardi was perfect in the role of the Brooklyn Brawler, only his character was fodder for everyone else on the WWF roster. The name itself is pretty clever. People remember it and it describes what the character should have been: a no nonsense beat you until his heart gives out kind of wrestler. I would have given this gimmick to Tommy Dreamer. He was from New York, he would fight, and he had heart. Today people are looking for someone to get behind and a new Brooklyn Brawler would be perfect. I would do an angle where some new blood comes into the WWE and just wants to be seen on WWE Television.

He does enhancement talent matches and loses. Brooklyn Brawler takes him under his wing and though he lost a lot he still kept going. The new blood would use him as a manager and learn from someone who has been there for so long. Enter a group of mean no-nonsense heels . They take our Brawler and the new blood avenges his injuries, taking the Brooklyn Brawler name as a tribute. This would get some sympathy and it could take someone new and bring them into the fold. New York would be totally behind this and the Garden is a great place to gain fans.

The Ultimate Warrior - the Ultimate Warrior was not a failure, however his legacy has definitely been besmirched over the past few years. With the DVD, his online ramblings, and lack of wrestling appearances, the character has pretty much faded with the 80s. Sure there have been knock offs but to keep the character alive I would reach out to the Ultimate Warrior, try to smooth things out and use a youthful tag team or group to become the new followers of the Warrior.

With Warrior as their manager or someone they follow in practice, we could have a very popular new power and paint team. Who doesn’t want to see the paint come back, who doesn’t want to hear the strum of guitars as wrestlers run to the ring in Warrior like fashion, and who wouldn’t want to see a tag team with a theme? A lot of people reading this might be shaking their heads instead of the ropes at this notion but I think it could appeal to this PG friendly WWE. I say why not give a shot at a duo of destrucity!

Tatanka - Tatanka had a great run in WWF and he even had a second chance in WWE. However, my take on Tatanka for this new WWE would be a lot scarier and darker than the original Tatanka.

For those who watch westerns, some Native Americans portrayed in those films could be scary, especially with piercings, tattoos, and War paint. I would even bring a bit of mysticism into his character, being a member of Tatanka’s tribe wanting revenge on the faces for his land being taken. He could just be a scary big dude with Native American roots who wants to fulfill his (manifest) destiny. I would watch out for John Cena’s scalp.

Doink the Clown - Clowns are scary and Matt Borne played the evil clown to perfection, but then they turned him into a goofy character. I would bring back Doink to play mind games. First it would be a heel not winning enough. Then he sees Doink matches and he becomes obsessed with the clown. He starts dressing like him to get in the head of wrestlers who would take it as a joke. I know it’s been done but do something like the Joker in The Dark Knight. A maniacal clown using the get up of a clown to become a distraction for his opponents. I would modify the attire and make it a lot darker than it was.

Double J - The Double J character was a country singer who faked singing, like a new age version of the Honky Tonk Man. Needless to say the wrestler outshined the character and it transformed into Jeff Jarrett becoming himself for the attitude era. In 2011 I would make the Double J country singer character into a girl. Taylor swift is popular as can be right now and the WWE should capitalize on that popularity by bringing a cute country singing baby face into the promotion. She would capture the hearts of the fans and use her trusty guitar when needed. A big plus if she can sing, which I’m sure Johnny Ace could go through a swimsuit catalog and find someone who can do both. I think it could be the squeaky clean image the WWE can have for its divas with a character who could take the country music demographic.

The Blue Blazer - Now I know this is a long shot as WWE doesn’t want to go anywhere near Owen Hart due to lawsuits and the like but my version of the Blue Blazer would be a nice tribute to the late great Owen Hart. The character could be male or female but I would prefer it to be a girl. I have never seen a female luchador in the WWE and the WWE could sell masks and have people in love with a female luchador. It could be different and unique and it provides a mixed tag partner for Rey Mysterio or Sin Cara against some heels. People would want to see what’s under the mask but the mask would be a part of her appeal getting something different in the WWE product when it comes to the divas.

The Oddities - To go along with Doink I would make a dark carnival of wrestlers who just look like a circus act. Only this time around I would make it a stable of freaks that are lethal in the ring and are all very bizarre characters. I would make this one more like a circus and have more spectacle than anything. I think they could both be friendly or scary if done correctly. Kids need characters in this PG era why not look to the circus!

Los Conquistadores - This glorified enhancement talent tag team is used as fodder but the name could be given to two Hispanic wrestlers who want to conquer the tag team scene for the gold. I would have a team of brothers: one older one younger just looking for a spot on the WWE roster. The Conquistadors would be Hispanic and could connect with that audience. They would be hard workers who look out for each other. Really do some character development so when they win the titles it gets them a huge reaction. They could even win the titles in Mexico or wherever they “hail” from. They could be a wacky Hispanic team who gets into hijinx and could kick your ass if needed. I know it may be stereotypical but I think it could be kid friendly and marketable.

The Undertaker - Now the Undertaker still exists in the realm of WWE but he’s getting to the point where he appears once or twice a year. Why not pass the torch literally to the spawn of the phenom. This wrestler could be handpicked by the Undertaker and the son of the Undertaker can show up and use the effects and the light and the smoke and could make a career for someone new. The Undertaker character can stay alive and there are so many feuds and variations you could do with the character to keep it alive. The time is now for the Undertaker to pass his legacy down to someone who could keep it lasting longer.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: The Bottom Line on the Most Popular Superstar of All Time

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 12-08-11 – Booby Roode Spits At Dixie Carter

December 09, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Bobby Roode Dixie CarterWelcome to the 12/8/11 edition of Impact Wrestling. Before I get started, I have a question. Does TNA have an axe to grind with Bobby Roode? We all know what happened with Bound For Glory and the aftermath leading to his championship reign. Now, even Roode’s former partner, James Storm, is more or less trashing him. Storm recently appeared on the Busted Open radio show and had the following to say in regards to Roode:

“My character…I have character. I have a character that a lot of people can relate to. A guy who drinks beer, and goes out hunting, and fishing, and just hangs out at the bar, and has a good time. Like you said, Walmart, Nascar, it’s all that character fit into one, which looking at Bobby Roode, who is Bobby Roode? What exactly is Bobby Roode besides being jacked? I mean, I don’t know what definition of a character you’d give him? Growing up, wrestling had characters, and I think that’s what wrestling today is missing. They don’t really have the flashy characters they did back then. You had the Jake Roberts, and you had The Macho Man. Even Hulk Hogan, Ultimate Warrior. All of those guys were different characters. It seems like today all the wrestlers are almost the same. They’re like the same build, and they wrestle the same, and all this. So, it’s kind of hard to find a unique character.”

While I agree that Roode isn’t the most electrifying guy on the microphone, he’s far from terrible. What does he have to do to get the company and its employees to at least act like they believe in him, that he’s worthy of the position he is now in?

Anyway, after the obligatory opening video package, we learn James Storm will be in the building to confront Kurt Angle tonight.

In the Impact Zone, Sting is making his way to the ring, as if you couldn’t guess that since he opens practically every damn episode of this show. Sting wants to get right down to business and immediately calls out Bobby Roode. Roode slowly makes his way down and gives Sting a condescending smile before he enters the ring. Sting says Roode paid one of his debts last week with the main event, there are still some consequences that need to be dealt with. He then calls Dixie Carter down to the ring.

Dixie Carter scarecrows her way down to the ring. I’m amazed she doesn’t have her iPhone in her hand, as that is the norm for her. Hey, did you know Dixie Carter has a Facebook account? Did you ever care? Sting tells her not to worry about Roode, because he’s not going to do anything while Sting’s here. Sting says putting your hands on Dixie is the same as putting your hands on him, and he remembers what happened a couple weeks ago when Dixie ended up on the floor, having been knocked down by Roode. Sting tells Roode he owes Dixie an apology right now. Roode asks if Sting’s serious. Roode agrees to apologize, but he wants to do it right, asking Sting to give them some space. For whatever reason, this starts an “On your knees” chant. Roode apologizes, that he’s sorry for not being completely honest with her. As she can see, things are different now, and he’s not scared to say anything because he’s the champ and she needs him. Business is better than ever since he became champ, everybody wants to jump on the Bobby Roode Express, including Dixie. Roode says he wouldn’t even sell her a ticket because she’s not woman enough to handle the ride. Sting tries to go after Roode, but Dixie holds him back. Roode asks if Sting is going to try to take away his First Amendment rights. Roode wants to finish the apology. He calls Dixie a fake, a phony, daddy’s little rich girl, and says she’s never earned a penny in her life, and has had everything handed to her and was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Roode just became one of my favorite wrestlers with that comment. Roode states she couldn’t run a lemonade stand, let alone a wrestling company. He’s 100% right. Roode calls her pathetic. He is Bobby Roode. He is the World Heavyweight Champion. The leader of the selfish generation, and whether or not Dixie and Sting like it, he’s the face of TNA. It appears to Roode he has just spit in the face of authority. He then actually spits in Dixie’s face and I love Bobby Roode even more as a result.

Back from commercials, AJ Styles corners Roode in the back and slams him against a fence. He tells Roode Dixie gave him everything. The only thing stopping him from picking Roode apart is that he wants everyone to see him do it Final Resolution when he takes the title. Sting immediately storms in, but Styles and Jeff Hardy tell him to calm down and let them handle this.

MATCH 1: Samoa Joe vs. Abyss
I really hope Joe signs with WWE once his contract is up in the near future. There is absolutely no reason for him to be wrestling’s biggest jobber like he currently is. I’ve never seen a former champion booked so badly for so long. Joe starts with some right hands and a chop, but runs right into a shoulder by Abyss. Abyss with punches, but Joe rolls out of the way of an avalanche and hits a standing enziguri in the corner. Joe stomps Abyss down and goes for the Face Wash, but he runs right into a big boot. Abyss hits some corner gut shots as we go to commercial, despite the fact we just got through with commercials no more than five minutes ago.

Back from the break, Abyss is still on offense until Joe rakes the eyes. Joe with an inverted atomic drop, running boot and running senton for 2. Joe with more punches and some headbutts. He climbs to the middle rope and jumps off, but Abyss catches him around the throat. Joe elbows out, but runs into a pair of clotheslines. Abyss goes for the choke again, but Joe fights out with a foot stomp and another enziguri. Joe hits a running knee in the corner and is looking for the Muscle Buster. He sets Abyss up as Scott Steiner makes his way down. The referee goes to get between him and Joe as Blubber Ray has snuck in the other side fo the ring, wallet chain stretched in his hands. Joe turns around and gets clotheslined by Ray. Abyss hits a chokeslam and gets the 3.

WINNER: Abyss. After the match, Steiner and Ray climb into the ring and congratulate Abyss. They raise Abyss’ arms as he just kind of stares at them. Steiner goes to leave the ring, and Abyss catches him with a Black Hole Slam instead. Abyss then turns his attention to Ray, who gets away and goes to check on Steiner. Please, please tell me this will lead to a Steiner promo tonight. Oh, please. Oh, please.

Backstage, we see Karen Jarrett addressing the Jarrett Horse Ranch. She tells them that ODB obviously did not get the job done last week. Tonight, she’s relying on Madison Rayne, who is her ace in the hole. She tells Madison this is not the time to be sucking up and to wipe the smile off her face. She needs to take care of Mickie James, as Karen doesn’t want Mickie showing up at Final Resolution in one piece for her match with Gail Kim. Madison says she’s got it. Karen tells Gail she’s got a match tonight with Traci Brooks. Gail is mad because Traci is going to take out all of her frustrations on Gail, frustrations that Karen caused. Karen tells her to settle down and let her explain before she shuts the door.

Back from more commercials, we see Sting telling Gunner between him and Garett Bischoff, or however the hell his name is spelled this week. Gunner says it’s over when he says it’s over. Sting says it’s over now and walks away. Gunner pulls Sting back. Sting shoves him off and says he’s overstepping his bounds now. Gunner says Garett has come to Sting twice asking for a match with him, and Sting’s granted it. He’s been giving everyone they want, and all he wants is one more match. No Flair and no Eric Bischoff with him. Sting agrees. Gunner says Sting has his word that Flair and Bischoff won’t be there before they go their separate ways.

D’Angelo Dinero and Devon make their way to the ring, stopping to say hi to Devon’s kids in the process. Devon says before they get started, he wants to bring out Matt Morgan and Crimson. As if this was planned (ha, I say), Crimson’s music almost immediately hits. The World Tag Team Champions make their way down to the ring in their awesome and not-at-all douchey Aflliction-knockoff TNA shirts. Devon says he brought them out there to congratulate the new champions. Prior to taking the titles, they were beating the hell out of each other and weren’t the team they should have been. Then, all of a sudden, they became a team and beat the hell out of Mexican America. For that, Devon wants to thank them. Devon being part of one of the greatest tag teams in the history of wrestling, he happens to know a few things about tag teams. He and Blubber have won 23 tag team titles together and faced some of the greatest tag teams in wrestling. He lists off the Machine Guns, Beer Money, the Steiners and the Hardys. Devon feels both of them have what it takes to become legends and to become number one and stay there for a long time, but they have to understand he and Pope are now a tag team and will be facing the champs at Final Resolution. Devon expects them to bring the best, because Lord knows he and Pope will bring their A-game. He wants no excuses at the end of the match, because at the end of the night, Christy Hemme will be announcing new champions. May the best team win. Devon then shakes both of their hands as his music plays. Pope grabs the music and says while he may not agree with everything that “Captain Heel” said (?), one thing he can agree with is that Crimson and Morgan are two of the biggest, dumbest honkies they’ve come across in a long time. Props to Pope for trying to resurrect “honkies”. Devon tries to cut him off, but Pope won’t allow it. He says it’s not about 23 tag team championships; it’s all about the almighty dollar and the gold on their shoulders, because with the gold comes the money. As long as they have it, he and Devon are gunning for it. On Sunday, Pope is going to do whatever it takes to take those titles from the champions because Pope has spoken. The two teams then start to brawl after Pope, with Devon and Crimson brawling on the floor as Morgan punches on Pope in the ring while wearing his sunglasses. Pope comes back with a low blow, then stomps Morgan in the face and chest. He then calls Devon’s kids to come into the ring. They get in and begin beating on Morgan as well. Morgan gets back up and scares all three off.

Backstage, we see Karen Jarrett heading towards the ringside area with Gail Kim and Madison Rayne. This cuts over to Mickie James in another area, who is doing the same thing. Just super exciting television here.

Back from commercials, we see James Storm enter the building.

MATCH 2: Knockouts Tag Team Co-Champions Madison Rayne vs. Mickie James
Even though we just saw her with Mrs. Diet Shasta Orange and Gail Kim, Maddy comes out by herself. Mickie James comes out and does some really stupid pose on the stage. I’d love to use my nickname for her in these columns, but it’s not appropriate. As she gets in the ring to do her stupid corner pose, Rayne attacks her from behind. Rayne with a foot choke in the corner before a pair of corner whips, a hip bump and a hair mare for 2. Rayne slams James’ face into the mat a couple of times before raking at her face and going for a rear chinlock. James fights her way back to her feet and tries to elbow out, but Rayne jumps on her back. James backs her into the corner to break the move, but Rayne goes right back to it. James snapmares her off, hits a clothesline, a forearm and a flapjack. She goes up top for the Thesz Press, but Rayne sees it coming and botches a clothesline to the back. Rayne kicks her in the face for 2. Rayne grinds James’ face into the mat after a forearm to the back. Middle rope choke, but Rayne breaks it before 5. A suplex followed by a neckbreaker gets another 2. Rayne goes for the Rayne Drop, but James reverses with a an armdrag and botches the hell out of the standing Tornado DDT to get the 3.

WINNER: Mickie James. After the match, Gail Kim comes out with her pair of title belts to taunt Mickie James. Looking at the DDT on replay, James looked like she was having a muscle spasm or a seizure.

We see Garett Bischoff making his way towards ringside. Junior G-Man vs. “Machine Gun” Joe Viterbo is next.

Back from the break, and we see Blubber Ray and Scott Steiner in the back. Ray says they need a new game plan in regards to Abyss because nothing is working. Ray points out the girls they gave him last week, and they helped him win this week. There was no reason Scotty should have taken the Black Hole Slam. They’ve got to get with Eric Bischoff, up their game and get their heads together and come up with something because what they’ve been doing isn’t working. Steiner says, “Me and Eric Bischoff, will tight. I’m tight. I’ll go talk to him.” Steiner walks off and is screaming incoherently.

We get a video highlighting the “feud” between Bischoff Junior and Top Gun.

MATCH 3: Gunner (w/Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair) vs. Garett Bischoff
As Garett comes down, Eric and Flair are standing at ringside. So much for them not being here for this match, I guess. Just as typed that, Gunner orders them to go to the back, saying he’s got this. Gunner starts the match by whipping Bischoff into the corner and laying in some punches. Into another corner, Gunner hits some shoulder blocks and punches. Bischoff fights out with a kick and a bulldog. Bischoff follows up with a facebuster and a clothesline, but Gunner no-sells it and hits a clothesline of his own, sending Bischoff to the floor. Gunner puts Bischoff in a hammerlock and hurls him into the ring post. Lather, rinse, repeat. Back in the ring, Gunner hits an axe handle and more punches. Bischoff fights back with some punches, but one punch from Gunner takes him back down. Gunner picks Bischoff up and slams him back into the corner. Bischoff tries to get to his feet, but Gunner keeps kicking him down. He does it one too many times, and Bischoff catches his foot and gets the pin.

WINNER: Garett Bischoff. After the match, Gunner knocks the referee down before throwing Bischoff to the floor, where he whips him into the stairs. Gunner tries for a piledriver on the floor, but Father Bischoff comes out and tells him to stop. He then pulls up the floor mat and tells Gunner to do it on the concrete floor. Gunner does exactly what you’d expect and botches a piledriver as Eric Bischoff walks back up the ramp, applauding. I don’t know why that spot is done in wrestling, as there’s no way to make it look good. Gunner then apparently signals to the crowd “Piledriver”, although it looks more like he’s humping the air.

Back from commercials, we see Garett being hauled into an ambulance on a stretcher, complete with neckbrace. Eric and Flair are applauding him and congratulating each other. Eric says he’ll tell Garett’s mom he’ll be just fine. You really shouldn’t escort clubs while you’re on the clock, Eric.

Taz and Mike Tenay then talk about what just happened, using their best “Jim Ross tone”. It really pisses me off when announcers do that.

James Storm makes his way out next, looking like a redneck version of Criss Angel. He tells us that, last week, a man called him out. He never backs down from a challenge, and he’s standing in the ring right now. If Kurt Angle has something to say to him, say it to his face. Kurt Angle comes out, looking all crazypants. Angle gives Storm credit; he’s either plain stupid or one of the toughest SOBs he’s ever met. When Angle attacked him from behind a few weeks ago, he hit him so hard he thought he would knock himself out. He thought that, when Storm got a concussion, he’d be out at least six months. It was only three weeks, but that’s on him. He screwed up. At Final Resolution, he won’t screw up again. The ring is his world, and he’s the best wrestler in the world. It won’t happen like what happened when Storm and Sting screwed him out of the title. Angle says he thinks about that moment morning, noon and night. Storm says he doesn’t need Angle to think about him at night. What is with all the gay jokes in wrestling? Storm talks about Angle’s tone and his intimidation factor, which leads to Angle winning his matches before they even start. When Angle tells an opponent what he’s going to do to them, he allows his opponents to think about what’s going to happen when they step into the ring with him, when they step into the ring with a 13-time World Champion. Well, Storm, since Angle’s not actually a 13-time World Champion, then his opponents must be delusional. Anyway, Storm says his dad passed away when he was 12, his two step-brothers were killed by a drunk driver when he was 15, his step-dad died when he was 16, when he was 19 he lost his grandmother, and he had to put his 6 year-old dog to sleep last week. Wait, is he here to hype a match or sell a country album? Storm says he’s looked death in the face, and Angle doesn’t scare him. Nothing on Earth intimidates him. Angle can sit there and tell him what he’s going to do all he wants, but Storm says what he’s going to do to Angle instead. Last time they faced, Storm knocked him out with the Last Call and won the World Championship. This time, he’s going to hit the Last Call, then step on Angle’s head and crush it like a beer can. To show Angle how scared he is, since Angle likes to jump people from behind, he’s going to turn his back. If Angle’s feeling froggy, jump. Angle does nothing. Storm says that’s what he thought, he’ll see Angle on Sunday and it’s real. It’s damn real.

We see Gail Kim, Karen Jarrett and Traci Brooks in their locker room. Gail doesn’t get why she’s wrestling tonight. Karen says that since Mickie James had a match, she needs to have one, too. Karen says that there’s accusations out there that she’s not fair, so she has to give Gail a match to show that she is fair. She tells Traci there’s a problem-she’s not fair. Here’s the drill-Traci’s going to go down to the ring, followed by Gail. The bell will ring, and Traci will lie on her back since she’s used to doing that. Gail will cover her for 3, and that’s that. If there’s any funny business out there, Traci will have to deal with the wrath of Karen Jarrett. She’s not playing with Traci.

After yet more commercials, we see Devon laying into his kids in the back. He yells at them for what they did. He trained them, and he’s the one that calls the shots. Pope walks in, and Devon picks him up and slams him into the wall. He blames Pope for everything and goes to hit him, but one of his sons holds his arm and tells him not to do it. Devon says he’s going to leave now before he does something he will regret and tells his son to think long and hard about what he just did. Pope walks back in to check on the boys. He tells them their dad’s just a hothead, and they did good out in the ring tonight. If they stick with Pope, they’ll be main eventing in no time. Really? When’s the last time you had a main event, Pope? 2 years ago?

We cut over to Anonymous Interviewer who is with Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles. He asks how things are going to work tonight. Hardy says it’ll work out just fine. Jeff Jarrett doesn’t want him here, but he’s going to prove he belongs here. Styles says they’re on the same page and they’re going to take care of business. They both have something to prove, and that’s what they’re going to do tonight.

MATCH 4: Traci Brooks vs. Knockouts Champion and Knockouts Tag Team Co-Champion Gail Kim (non-title)
Hey, whatever happened to Brooks’ husband, Kazarian? He hasn’t been on here in what seems like months. Before the match starts, Kim is laughing and talking trash. Brooks looks like she’s wearing a prostitute’s wig. Brooks lays down and tells Kim to pin her, like Karen ordered, but Brooks kicks out at 2. Who didn’t see that coming? Brooks tackles Kim, punches her and slams her head into the mat. A clothesline, back elbow and corner shoulder charge follow. Brooks whips Kim to the mat by her hair for 2. Kim tries to fight back, but Brooks slams her back down before hitting a running knee in the ropes and a running clothesline. Brooks follows with a spear as Karen Jarrett runs out and gets on the ring apron, yelling at her to lay down. Brooks grabs Jarrett by the hair and goes to slug her, but the referee gets between the two. As this happens, Madison Rayne runs in and clocks Brooks with her title belt. The ref turns around and counts the 3 for Kim.

WINNER: Gail Kim. I still find it funny that, even though Sting is in charge and favors the faces, that Karen Jarrett is still in charge of the Knockouts Division. I guess that’s proof that no one in TNA thinks anyone is paying attention to the knockouts, so they don’t need to either.

Backstage we see Jeff Jarrett and Bobby Roode with their respective titles. I found out why Jarrett covered the AAA Mega Championship with his own plates, and it’s not in a “I’m defying the company” Lance Storm/WCW way. That AAA has no official affiliation with AAA, and the man in charge of booking for AAA told TNA that, as a result of that, Jarrett can be champion, but the belt is not allowed to be shown on TNA television, which also explains why the announcers have not once acknowledged Jarrett’s championship. Just some useless trivia for you. Jarrett tells Anonymous Interviewer he didn’t take Hardy out backstage, but he’ll do it tonight, which means he won’t show up at Final Resolution, which means in turn his Impact Wrestling career will be over. Roode says he’s beaten AJ Styles before, and he’ll do it again. The odds aren’t against him. Hardy and Styles won’t do anything to him or his partner tonight, and Styles will be just another victim of Bobby Roode.

Jeebus. I have seen this commercial for ShopTNA.com featuring the knockouts more times than I can count tonight.

We see Christopher Daniels in an interview from earlier today. He wants to know how much longer the champion can keep ducking him, and why this company continues to placate Bob Van Dam. When has a singlet become a colostomy bag? Don’t ask me. Daniels is on a role here. The question is, how many times does Daniels have to beat Bob Van Dam before he realizes Daniels is the better man? At Final Resolution, let’s do this right. Grappling. Wrestling. Where “Wrestling Matters”.

Taz and “The Professor” run down the card for Final Resolution. How many of you were clamoring for another Robbie E/Eric Young TV title match? None of you? Well, they’re doing it again at the PPV anyway.

MATCH 5: Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles vs. Jeff Jarrett and World Champion Bobby Roode (w/Karen Jarrett)
I thought Hardy’s shirt said “The King of Condoms”. This week, it looks like it says “The King of Condos”, which doesn’t make any sense either. Did Styles get his entrance theme even more genericized yet again? Mike Tenay just called Bobby Roode “tremendous” in the ring. Somewhere, Don Callis is throwing a television set against a wall. Before Jeremy Blowfish can complete his introductions, the faces attack the heels, sending them to the floor with the Final Resolution opponents pairing off against each other. Jarrett slams Hardy into the ring post, then throws Styles into the guardrail. Jarrett throws Styles back in and hits some punches. Crisscross leads to a dropkick by Styles. Jarrett back drops out of a corner charge, but Styles lands on the apron. He goes for the Superman, but Jarrett ducks. Styles lands on his feet again, but apparently tweaks his knee. Hardy tags in, but Jarrett tags out to Roode before they can square off. Commercial.

Jonah Hill is not funny. The sooner you everyone stops trying to convince themselves that he is, the better off we’ll all be.

Back from the break, Hardy hits a spinning headscissors out of the corner, followed by an inverted atomic drop, double legdrop between the legs and a seated dropkick for 2. Styles tags in and he’s hobbling. He lays in some punches, chops and kicks. Roode counters with a kick to the bad knee and tags in Jarrett. Jarrett runs in right into a hiptoss. Styles throws him in the corner, but Jarrett reverses on the second attempt. Styles gets his elbow up off a charge from Jarrett and also clotheslines Roode to the floor. Roode pulls Styles down and begins slamming his knee into the ring apron. Roode tags in and works over the knee some more. Jarrett tags back in and does the same. Roode tags in once again and stomps Styles in the gut. Back rake by Roode. Roode goes back to work on the knee with stomps before digging his thumb into Styles’ eye. Jarrett tags back in, sets the bad leg across the bottom rope and drops across it from the second rope. Jarrett increases his douchebag factor by Tebowing after this, then tries to taunt Hardy. Hardy starts to come in the ring, and Jarrett walks backwards right into a schoolboy by Styles, which only gets 2. Roode tags back and kicks Styles in the face. Low blow behind the referee’s back. Styles manages to kick Roode away and hits the Pele out of a waistlock attempt. Styles crawls for the tag, but Jarrett runs in, knocks Hardy off the apron and pulls Styles back towards the heel corner. Hardy gets back up and sends Jarrett to the floor. They brawl to the back. Leaving only Styles and Roode in the ring. Karen Jarrett claws Hardy from behind, but Hardy fights through it and continues to beat on Jarrett. Back in the ring, Roode locks in a single-leg Boston Crab. Cut to the back, Jarrett’s now dominating Hardy. Cut back to the ring, and Styles gets to the ropes to break the hold. Roode goes for a corner charge, but Styles gets the foot up. Styles hits a clothesline, back elbow, another clothesline and a back body drop. He goes for a DVD, but his knee gives out. Roode counters with a spinebuster. Roode sets up for the Payoff, but Styles counters into a small package to get the 3.

WINNERS: Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles. After the match, Roode attacks Styles and lays in some punches, but Styles comes back with a jumping forearm that sends Roode to the floor. Styles hits a slingshot plancha to the floor, injuring his knee even further. Roode gets back up and runs to the back as Styles crawls after him. He turns around to pose for the crowd, but Roode predictably runs back out and takes Styles down with a chop block. He slams Styles’ knee into the stage, then whips it into one of the lighting rigs. He grabs his title belt, shoves it in Styles’ face and tells him “You can’t have it because you can’t beat me!” Cue the unnecessary ominous music. I was really hoping we might go one week without that. Maybe next time. Probably not, though.

End of show.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx, and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

Stone Cold Steve Austin: The Bottom Line on the Most Popular Superstar of All Time

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 11-24-11 – Roode Lays Out Styles

November 26, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Bobby Roode AJ StylesGreetings, everyone. I apologize for the lateness on this recap of Impact Wrestling, but yesterday was Thanksgiving. Sorry, but on Thanksgiving, TNA is the least of my interests. Anyway, the 11/24/11 edition starts off with a video package of James Storm hunting down his attacker last week. For those that didn’t read the recap, it was (very predictably) Kurt Angle.

Back “live” in the Impact Zone, Kurt Angle is making his way to the ring. Holy L. Ron Hubbard. Angle appears to weigh about as much as Rey Mysterio now. He says that, as a man’s man, there’s one thing he despises, and that’s when a man accuses him of attacking him from behind. Back in Macon, GA, Angle didn’t attack Storm from behind, and don’t ever accuse a man of attacking you from behind because you’ll wind up with your ass kicked. Next time, Angle might take it personally.

James Storm makes his way to the ring now. Storm asks if Angle took it personally when Storm took his cowboy boot and stuck it up Angle’s ass. Personally is when Angle came into the company, when they travelled to shows together, and when their kids started playing together. This is business. Storm says he’s looking Angle in the eye right now and doesn’t back down from anyone. Angle says Storm screwed him out of the World title. He got his revenge and screwed him out of the title against Roode two weeks ago. Storm says everyone’s tired of listening to people talk, so what he wants Angle to do is not take this ass-whipping personally; it’s just going to be business. Angle says he’s a gentleman and didn’t come here to fight, but he knows some guys who do. Christopher Daniels, Jeff Jarrett and Bully Ray make their way down to the ring. All climb in and the four of them surround Storm. Angle continues to egg Storm on as they surround him. Storm says his daughter has a message for Angle. Storm sucker punches Angle then immediately slides out of the ring to grab a chair. A.J. Styles, Rob Van Dam and Mr. Anderson all come out to make the sides even. Apparently, these eight guys are doing a main event elimination match tonight. The brawl continues until all of the heels decide to back off and head to the locker room.

So, my understanding was that Storm suffered a serious concussion and that’s why they did the injury angle with him a couple weeks ago, and that doctors told him to take up to 8 weeks off. Glad to see he’s listening to his doctor by continuing to wrestle.

Back from the commercials, we see Eric Young in a parking lot riding a bicycle built for two with referee Rudy Charles. Before they head into the building, Rudy opens an Igloo cooler that was strapped to the front of the bike, and he pulls out a turkey costume.

We see clips from last week when Crimson and Matt Morgan won the World Tag Team titles.

MATCH 1-World Tag Team Championship: Anarquia and Hernandez (w/Rosita and Sarita) vs. Champions Crimson and Matt Morgan
From what I understand, there’s some truth to this angle. It appears that Hernandez’s contract is up soon, and there’s little to no interest in re-signing him. Because, you know, TNA can’t have a talented homegrown wrestler on their roster. Morgan and Anarquia start off, with Anarquia taking several clotheslines. Crimson tags in, hits snake eyes and a big clothesline. Crimson hits Sean O’Haire’s old Widowmaker move before tagging Morgan back in. Morgan picks Anarquia up and hits a standing over-the-shoulder powerslam. Morgan boots Hernandez off the apron, tags back in Crimson, and they hit a double shoulder block. They then hit a double chokeslam, and Crimson picks up the pin.

WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: Crimson and Matt Morgan. So long, Hernandez. As for Anarquia, he should have never been here in the first place. Hopefully, he goes soon, too.

Eric Young and Rudy Charles walk by Robbie E and Rob Terry. Young wants Robbie E one-on-one tonight. Robbie says Young will never get a TV title match again. Young says he talked to Sting, and they’ve got a “kung fu challenge” or some stupid crap tonight. If Robbie E loses, he has to wear the turkey costume. They ramble on for seemingly 15 more minutes. Young says that Sting told him that if Robbie E doesn’t do this match tonight, Sting is stripping him of the TV title. The words “bro” and “dude” were used about 400 times in this brief segment.

Cue to Karen Jarrett and Traci Brooks walking around backstage together. We get a promo from Karen after the commercials. Oh, goody.

The Jarrett Horse Ranch makes its way to the ring. This is just going to make for some phenomenal television. Karen calls out practically the entire knockouts roster to get their “booties” down to the ring right now. Tara, Miss Tessmacher, Velvet Sky, Winter and Angelina Love all make their way down. The knockouts division has its own entrance them now, BTW. Karen tells Velvet Sky they have a dilemma around here. After all of her efforts to clean up the division and get them all to cover up, which she has failed miserably at, these nasty, disgusting, horny, perverted freaks want to see more skin. While she knows there are a few of them around here with no problem with this since they flaunt themselves around all day long, there are some who think they are real athletes and wrestlers. There’s only one real athlete around here, and that’s Gail Kim. In cutting to the chase, tonight, we are going to have the first ever “lingerie ball”, soon to become a Thanksgiving Day tradition. The girls are going to the back, get their skimpiest lingerie and bring them back here. There’s one true champion in the ring, and that’s Gail Kim. That’s why she sits on her perch and looks down at all of them. Not nice calling her a gargoyle. When Velvet becomes one with the pole she’s used to and getting dollars shoved in her butt by horny perverts, that’s what she’s going to do in this ring tonight, and if the women don’t want to do it, they can leave, as there’s hundreds of women out there who would take their spots.

We see the wrestlers for the main event tonight, apparently, instead of Kurt Angle and James Storm in the main event, it will be Jeff Hardy and Bobby Roode. This begs the question of why Mike Tenay was telling us that Storm and Angle were in the match, as well as why Roode and Hardy didn’t come down to the ring during the brawl? #TNASense

Back from the commercial with more promo action. This time, Christy Hemme is interviewing Tara, Tessy and Velvet in their locker room. Christy asks Tara how she’s feeling. Tara’s sick of it. She thought she left all this crap behind. They are here to be the best wrestlers here, and she’s not happy. Tessy says it’s a joke. She’s here to whoop ass. Velvet says it’s especially insulting to her, as she was Knockouts Champion just a couple weeks ago. She’s sick to death of Karen Jarrett, but she’s keeping her cool here, and they are still going to go out and have the best match they can.

Gail Kim is in her locker room, talking about how great Karen Jarrett is. Mickie James walks in with a serious gut and says they need to talk. She gets in Madison Rayne’s face before they go in the back room. Mickie says what Gail is doing is crap, and she can’t believe she’s doing this after all these years. Gail says Mickie can give her notice to Karen if she’s not happy. Mickie calls Gail a hypocrite. They then start to brawl before Madison gets involved. Gail slams Mickie into the lockers, then punches her down on the floor. The camera man gets knocked down for absolutely no reason as well.

MATCH 2-“Thanksgiving Thong Thunder”: Angelina Love, Winter and Knockouts Tag Team Co-Champion Madison Rayne vs. Miss Tessmacher, Tara and Velvet Sky
Winter’s looking a little chunky here as well. More than usual, anyway. Meanwhile, Angelina Love’s “lingerie”, meanwhile, my soul mate Maddy is actually wearing more clothing here than she normall does. As for the rest, much like Angelina, it’s no less than what they normally wear, rendering the gimmick of this match completely pointless. According to Taz, this is too degrading for Velvet to do. Never mind the fact that she used to do it as a member of the Beautiful People all the time. Tessy tries to throw her shirt on the camera lens and misses, so the cameraman picks it up and puts it on the lense. For what reason? The women spend a few minutes trying to one-up each other instead of wrestling, which is supposed to be the point, according to the faces. The match finally starts with Winter and Tara after an attack from behind by the heels. Winter with some stomps. Winter with a corner whip, clothesline and 2-count as we go to commercial again.

Back from commercials, and Tara is back in control with a clothesline off the ropes. Another botched clothesline and a bodyslam before the standing moonsault for 2. Tessy tags in. Tara hits a corner clothesline before Tessy does the hip bump and stinkface. Taz calls this the “butterface”. Tessy with a pair of arm drags and a horrible dropkick. Rayne tags in and slams Tessy in the corner before choking her with her foot. Rayne misses a corner charge, but reverses a corner whip. Rayne runs into a boot out of the corner, but blocks the second attempt and whips Tessy to the mat before choking her over the bottom rope. Winter tags back in and hits a forearm in the corner before dropping Tessy with a backbreaker for 2. Love tags in for the first time and has Winter whip her into the corner with a clothesline for 2. Love drops an elbow, then chokes Tessy out. Love goes for a fisherman’s suplex, but Tessy reverses into a small package for 2. Love drives her knee into Tessy’s back a few times, then kicks her in the butt. Tessy ducks a clothesline off the ropes, and they simultaneously whip each other down by the hair. Rayne and Sky tag in. Sky with a few clotheslines and a running bulldog. She goes for the double-arm facebuster (Tenay calls this a DDT. Way to go, Professor) but the other four ladies get in the ring and start brawling. The faces clothesline the heels down. Everyone falls out to ringside, save for Rayne and Velvet. Referee Earl Hebner goes outside to try to get some order as Rayne botches the Rayne Drop on Sky. Rayne goes to hit Sky with the title belt behind Hebner’s back, but Mickie James runs down and gets the belt away from her. Rayne turns around into the sit-out double-arm facebuster by Sky, which then gets the 3.

WINNERS: Miss Tessmacher, Velvet Sky and Tara. I’m sure you can just imagin how phenomenal this match was.

We see Jeff Hardy wandering around in the back, wearing a mask for some stupid reason.

Back from the break, we see Karen Jarrett laying into all six women from the previous match. She gets mad because when she told them to cover up, they showed more skin, and when she told them to show more skin, they covered up. Well, you know what? All you bitches? Game on. Next week, Karen will be providing the outfits they wear next week. Karen tells Velvet she’s going to take away every ounce of dignity she has. I would ask who thought it was a good idea to give Karen Jarrett so much camera/mic time, but I already know it’s Eric Bischoff’s fault since he not only admitted to it, but said how great of an idea it was because she’s such a compelling character.

Jeff Hardy comes out wearing his mask that looks like something out of “The Road Warrior”…if “The Road Warrior” totally sucked and was loaded with more drugs than a pharmacy. Hardy pulls the mask off…to reveal it’s actually Jeff Jarrett. He, talking as Hardy, refers to himself as the “Charismatic Enema”. He calls himself so full of crap that he needs an enema shoved up his butt just to flush himself out. Why do people love him? Hell, he doesn’t know. Maybe it’s because he wears makeup like a circus clown. Or maybe because he cuts dynamic promos week after week. Or maybe because he takes asinine chances in every match. Why does he do it? For you morons…er, fans. Maybe you love him because you all can relate to him. You can relate to him because he’s a lowlife, a degenerate, pathetic, worthless, has no business being in this company, but that’s why you love him. He wants everyone to grow up and applaud him, because maybe one day you kids can grow up and embarrass and humiliate the company you work for. Sadly, this is the best promo of Jarrett’s career. Mainly because he’s right.

Hardy’s music hits again, and he runs to the ring. He slams Jarrett into the steps, then throws him back in the ring and continues to punch Jarrett. Blubber Ray and Christopher Daniels come out to triple team Hardy. Since when is Daniels in Immortal? RVD, A.J. Styles, Mr. Anderson and World Champion Bobby Roode all come down at some point and join in on the brawl. TNA security comes in to try to break things up, but when have they ever accomplished that? Jarrett gets Hardy outside and throws him into the steps a couple times. Meanwhile, in the ring, the heels have all the faces down on the mat.

Back from the commercial, we see exactly what just happened before the break. I suppose with less than 45 minutes left in the show, they need to get more replays in to fill some more time. I realize this is a throw-away show, what with it being a Thanksgiving episode and all, but you could at least try to make the show seem worthwhile.

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Just when I start complaining about video packages, we get yet another one, this time of the feud between Eric Young and Robbie E, leading up to their match later tonight. TNA actually tries to make this seem important by starting the video with the message “’It’ Only Happens Once A Year…” and a few other messages. Apparently, this is an annual tradition, and we see video from previous installments. Yes, it’s such an important event that I completely blocked it from my mind.

MATCH 3-Loser Wears a Turkey Suit: World Television Champion Robbie E (w/Rob Terry) vs. Eric Young
Robbie E is trying so hard to be Zack Ryder, it’s pathetic. Before the match, Young gets a microphone, and introduces Rudy Charles. Rudy comes out with entrance music. Yes, really. He’s carrying the turkey suit. Oh, and to those who complain about all the Twitter references on WWE lately, I hate to break it to you, but it’s no better on this show. TNA actually shows the questions they are asking, then shows the inane answers their fans give. The question for this segment is “What are you thankful for in TNA Wrestling?” I couldn’t make this up if I tried. Anyway, Robbie tries to attack Young from behind at ringside, but Young hits him with the turkey suit, shoving the head in Robbie’s mouth. Robbie comes back with a shot from behind. As the match starts, Robbie begins dropping elbows on the turkey suit, as well as punching it. Robbie with a kick to the gut and a modified side-Russian legsweep. Robbie hits a fist drop from the middle rope for 2. Rudy Charles makes the count with the turkey suit on his hand. Jesus. Young comes back with punches and a flying forearm off a crisscross. Young with a clothesline. He elbows out of a corner charge and hits a belly-to-belly suplex for 2. Taz refers to this as “Shades of Magnum T.A., but different.” Somewhere, Terry Allen is putting his head through a wall. Rob Terry hands Robbie something that looked like a used roll of receipt tape behind Rudy Charles’ back, who is doing a chicken dance for the crowd. God, I hate TNA so much for this. Robbie clocks Young, and Charles turns around to count the 3.

WINNER: Robbie E. As Robbie’s celebrating, Rudy Charles lifts his arm to proclaim him the winner. The same arm that Robbie was hiding the foreign object under. Ha! That’s comedy gold right there. Just brilliant. Charles says he is restarting this match. Nooooo! Almost immediately hits the piledriver and gets the 3.

NEW WINNER: Eric Young. Young gets a mic and says Thanksgiving is a time to give, and he loves to give. The bad news is, Robbie won’t be able to wear the suit, as he’s knocked out. The good news is, with the crowd’s help, he’s going to find a replacement. Shock of shocks, he says Rob Terry needs to do it after they use the turkey suit like a metal detector. If you’ve been following this company for more than a couple months, you know I’m not making any of this up. Rudy Charles tells Rob Terry that, if he doesn’t put on the suit, Robbie E will be stripped of the TV title. Rob Terry puts on the suit.

We see the two teams for the main event making their way to the ring.

Backstage, we see Eric Young and Rudy Charles, who is wearing Young’s old TNA World title belt. Charles is on a bike, and he’s riding around Young in circles. Eventually, Charles runs into a tractor trailer.

MATCH 4-8-Man Elimination Match: Jeff Hardy, Mr. Anderson, A.J. Styles and Rob Van Dam (w/James Storm) vs. Bully Ray, Daniels, Jeff Jarrett and World Champion Bobby Roode (w/Karen Jarrett)
As the faces make their way down, Jeff Hardy is absent. Tenay tells us he won’t be able to compete here tonight. At least Storm isn’t competing here like they led us to believe at the beginning of the show. So, now this is a handicap match, I guess. Bobby Roode comes out, but instead of going to the ring, decides to go do color commentary instead. Back in the ring, Styles and Daniels are starting off. Tie-up, and Daniels backs Styles into the corner. Daniels with some shoulders and a palm thrust to the face. Styles comes back with punches and stomps. Styles with a snapmare and a kick between the shoulders before hitting the jumping knee drop. Daniels knees Styles and tags in Jarrett. Styles gets Jarrett in an arm wringer and tags in Anderson. Jarrett with sissy punches before running into a pair of hip tosses by Anderson. Anderson hits an elbow drop and gets 2. Ray tags in and suplexes Anderson for 2. Daniels tags in and hits a jumping side kick off the ropes for 2. Anderson and Daniels trade punches. Anderson hits the rolling fireman’s carry for 2. RVD tags in and lays in some punches and a spinning heel kick for 2. Daniels backs RVD into his corner and tags in Jarrett. Jarrett with a corner whip. Ray tags in and hits a bodyslam, followed by a running splash for 2. Daniels tags in and hits some stomps. Jarrett tags in and hits a suplex. Ray tags in and throws RVD into the corner. Daniels tags in and whips RVD into the corner, but runs into a boot. Anderson and Ray tag in. Ray eats a clothesline, a back elbow and a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Anderson picks Ray up on his shoulders, but Ray slides out and hits a uranage. Roode runs down to the ring, immediately tags himself in and gets the pin.

Mr. Anderson is eliminated.

Styles comes in with punches on Roode. Styles with a back body drop, corner punches, a corner whip and corner splash. Styles comes off the ropes with a clothesline. Roode low blows Styles right in front of the referee, getting himself disqualified.

Bobby Roode is eliminated.

Jarrett comes in and stomps Styles. Roode leaves the ring smiling. Jarrett hits a corner back elbow and tags in Daniels as we go to commercial.

Back from the break, Daniels gets a 2 on Styles. Jarrett tags in and kicks Styles before tagging Ray in. They hit a double delayed vertical suplex on Styles. Ray with an open-hand chop in the corner. Styles fights back to his feet with some punches, but gets thrown face-first to the mat as he tries to make a tag. Ray hits a boot to the face and tags in Daniels. Daniels sets up the Angel’s Wings, but Styles reverses into a hurricanrana and hits the Pele. RVD tags in and drops Daniels with a clothesline and a thrust kick. Roundhouse for Jarrett and a clothesline for Ray. RVD hits a jumping side kick and Rolling Thunder before going up top. Angle comes out and shoves RVD down behind the ref’s back. He and Storm begin to brawl as Daniels pins RVD.

Rob Van Dam is eliminated.

Daniels is bleeding from the mouth as Styles comes in. For those keeping score, it’s 3-on-1 right now. Daniels hits a clothesline on Styles. He throws Styles into Ray’s boot before Ray tags in. Styles fights back with punches, but runs into a back body drop. Daniels tags in and hits a standing uranage. He goes up for the BME, but Styles gets his feet up into Daniels’ face. Jarrett tags in. As he and Ray try to clothesline Styles from front and back, Styles ducks and they hit each other. Jeff Hardy’s music hits, and he comes out, putting on his belt in the process. Apparently, he couldn’t take the time to get completely ready before he came out. Hardy tags in and almost immediately hits a Twist of Fate on Daniels to get the 3.

Christopher Daniels is eliminated.

Jarrett comes in. Hardy tries for the Twist of Fate again, but Jarrett blocks it. Hardy rotates him around again and gets a small package for the 3.

Jeff Jarrett is eliminated.

Ray comes in and boots Hardy in the face. Jarrett’s still in the ring. Hardy comes back with a double clothesline. Styles gets a blind tag in and hits the Superman on Bully Ray to get the final 3.

WINNERS: Jeff Hardy, Mr. Anderson, A.J. Styles and Rob Van Dam, with Hardy and Styles being the survivors. As Hardy and Styles are celebrating, Bobby Roode makes his way back to the ring and clocks both of them with the title belt. Roode stands over Styles and holds the belt over his head before getting down and screaming in Styles’ face. Once again, the generic ominous music plays.

End of show.

I realize that Thanksgiving shows for a wrestling promotion are never that good since most people aren’t watching wrestling on that day, but come on. The main event had potential, but despite getting nearly 20 minutes, felt incredibly rushed.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 11-10-11 – A.J. Styles Wants Roode!

November 11, 2011 By: Category: Videos, WWE | Pro Wrestling

AJ StylesThe 11/10/11 edition of Impact Wrestling starts off with a video recap of Bobby Roode not only winning the World title last week, but being pushed into a heel turn way too quickly and obviously. I didn’t notice Roode spit on Storm last week, but he apparently did.

We are once again “live” in Macon, GA. Things start off with the aforementioned Bobby Roode making his way down to the ring. Taz doesn’t understand why Roode did what he did. Probably because there was a World title at stake. Probably. Roode grabs a mic as the crowd is booing him heavily. Roode asks if they are booing him or chanting “ROODE”, because that’s what all of these morons were doing last week when they were cheering him on. Do they hate him because he killed Beer Money? Because all of these hillbillies would have done the same thing if given the opportunity he had? This is a new generation; a generation of selfishness, and Roode is the leader of the new generation. Doing things the right way in today’s society gets you nothing and nowhere. This is a dog-eat-dog world, and last week, he ate James Storm for lunch, and that stupid, sorry sonofabitch didn’t see it coming. It wasn’t his fault, and it’s on James. We cut to split screen where Storm is watching this on a monitor in the back. Roode says that, after 13 long, hard years, the opportunities he’s had only come along so often, so he made the most of the opportunity against his former tag team partner. Their hero, James Storm is in a hole in a wall somewhere, drowning his sorrows, while Roode is the new champion.

Storm makes his way down to the ring. Security tries to hold him off, but he takes a couple of them down before chasing Roode out of the ring. Sting makes his way out now. Sting looks really stupid wearing his wrestling gloves while in street clothes. He says tonight, he’s going to take the high road. There will be a World title rematch between Roode and Storm tonight. Roode screams “No!”

Tonight, A.J. Styles will wrestle Christopher Daniels yet again, while Knockout Tag Team Champions Gail Kim and Madison Rayne will defend against Mickie James and Knockouts Champion Velvet Sky. Remember what I said about Tara and Miss Tessmacher disappearing? Funny how they are the former champions, yet were completely overlooked for an immediate title re-match. That’s #TNASense for you. We will also see Eric Young and Ronnie from “Jersey Shore” take on Robbie E and Rob Terry. Cut to backstage where Young and Ronnie are walking around.

We get a video package hyping the impending Crimson/Matt Morgan match. Does anyone really give a damn about this match?

MATCH 1: D’Angelo Dinero vs. Crimson
I heard rumors Pope was leaving TNA a while back. Obviously, that’s not the case (not yet), but I’m not sure why. He’s clearly going nowhere in this company. Crimson’s back in red gear and has his hair dyed red once again. At least that makes sense. Seemed kind of pointless to call a blonde guy in white gear “Crimson”, after all. Tie up to start. Pope turns into an arm wringer. Crimson reverses. Pope reverses into a side headlock. Crimson with a shoulder block. Pope tries for a waistlock, but Crimson reverses into a side headlock. Pope reverses into one of his own. Pope with a kick to the knee and his sweet DDT for 2. Pope follows up with a fist drop and goes to the middle rope for another, which connects for another 2. Crimson comes back with punches, kicks and some knee strikes. Pope stops this with an uppercut. Pope goes to the middle rope again, but jumps off right into the Red Sky for 3.

WINNER: Crimson.

Gunner is in the back and tells Garrett Bischoff he’s going to teach him a lesson about disrespect. In Immortal, Eric Bischoff is at the top of the chain of command. Get ready, Garrett. This is going to be a walk in the park. Wait…doesn’t “a walk in the park” mean things are going to be easy? Let me check. Yes, yes it does. Clearly, Gunner didn’t think that promo through very well. Shock of shocks.

MATCH 2: Gunner (w/Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair) vs. Garrett Bischoff
If Garrett wins here, Sting gets to rewrite Eric Bischoff’s contract. If TNA knew a thing about logic, they’d save this match for PPV where it might get a few more buys, given the stipulations. Of course, this is TNA. Garrett comes out to no music and is in very generic gym clothes. Gunner starts the match by talking a bunch of trash, something he’s not very good at. Gunner talks to Ric and Eric at ringside before turning around into an armdrag from Garrett. Garrett with another one and a hip toss. Garrett hits a back body drop off the ropes. He goes for another Irish whip, but Gunner slides out of the ring. Flair runs into the ring and hits the referee, causing the disqualification.

WINNER: Garrett Bischoff. So, Sting gets to rewrite the contract now. Wow…what a great match. Really worth the payoff. I thought Tenay was going to have a heart attack as he was watching Garrett perform the most basic of moves. Reminds me of when Tony Schiavone did the same thing at WCW Bash at the Beach ’97 when Dennis Rodman performed the exact same moves. Thrilling television here, folks.

Backstage, Robbie E and Rob Terry are trying to get in Ronnie’s dressing room. You can tell it’s his dressing room with the paper sign taped to the door that simply says “Ronnie”. Classy environment here in TNA. The fat security guard is telling both of them no one is allowed in. Eric Young pops his head out and asks if they want t-shirts. Robbie E tells Ronnie he doesn’t want this embarrassment before asking Rob Terry to hold him back.

We’re reminded of the tag team match coming up featuring the four aforementioned toolboxes, as well as the World title rematch for later tonight. Because, you know, a rematch for the World title should not only be given away on free TV rather than on PPV where fans might pay to see it, but should also occur at the exact same set of tapings that the original match took place at. Yeah, that’s a great idea.

After some commercials for some random crap, we cut to the locker room where James Storm is knocked out, bleeding from the head. There is a turned-over chair laying next to him. I’m guessing this means the rematch won’t take place tonight? You mean to tell me TNA might actually do something semi-intelligent and hold this match off for a later date? Another Festivus miracle!

MATCH 3: Zema Ion vs. Jesse Sorensen
While I’m glad to see an X-Division match taking place here, it’s between two guys the fans mostly don’t care about, one of which hasn’t been seen on here in at least a month. Sorensen signs a football on the way to the ring. Yeah, I don’t know either. Sorensen starts with a pair of arm drags into an armbar. Ion knees his way out. Sorensen fires off a nice dropkick, sending Ion to the floor. Sorensen follows up with a plancha. Back in the ring, Sorensen hits a punch in the corner. Ion escapes out of a corner whip and hits a middle rope spinning cross body for 2. Sorensen goes for a back suplex, but Ion backflips out, puts Sorensen in the same position and flips him over into a facebuster over the knee. Ion goes up top, but misses the 450 Splash. Sorensen hits his weird-looking swinging neckbreaker, and this one’s over.

WINNER: Jesse Sorensen. Man, did they even get 3 minutes for this match? The shortness of some of these matches is just ridiculous. Kid Kash makes his way out and sarcastically calls Sorensen impressive, and “Mr. 10 Days In The Business”. Kash says he has 20 years in the business, and has done it all. No one ever gave him a damn thing, and he “took everything he ever gave” (?). He’s going to give Sorensen the opportunity of a lifetime. At Turning Point, he’s going to give Sorensen an X-Division title match against Austin Aries and Kid Kash in a 3-way dance. The contract’s only missing one signature, so if Sorensen wants it, sign it, superstar. Kash continues to beg him to sign it over and over. Sorensen signs it. Kash says he made the biggest mistake of his career. He says Sorensen’s mother is really proud of him, and tell her Kash says “thank you”. Sorensen attacks Kash, but Aries runs in and hits Sorensen with the belt from behind. He goes for the brainbuster, but instead throws Sorensen into Kash, allowing Kash to hit the Moneymaker. Who in the hell thought it would be a good idea to let Kash speak for that long?

Back in one of the locker rooms, Gail Kim is putting on makeup. Karen Jarrett tells her she’s beautiful and calls Madison Rayne pretty. She says Kim has the opportunity to beat Velvet down tonight. She then screams at Traci Brooks for almost blowing everything for them. Kim, Rayne and Jarrett share a hug.

I’m picking up Need For Speed: The Run and Assassin’s Creed Revelations next week. I’ll let you know how awesome they are.

MATCH 4-Knockouts Tag Team Championship: Mickie James and Knockouts Champion Velvet Sky vs. Champions Gail Kim and Madison Rayne (w/Traci Brooks and Karen Jarrett)
Before the match starts, Karen pushes Rayne into the ring and holds Gail Kim back, telling Rayne to handle things. Sky starts off with a tackle on Rayne, a forearm to the back and a kick to the but. Kim knocks Sky down from behind. Rayne telegraphs a back body drop. Sky kicks off before James temporarily forgets to tag in. She hits Rayne with a dropkick and a flapjack. She goes up top, but Kim knocks her off. Kim tags in now and whips Rayne into James in the corner. Rayne then does the same to Kim. Kim with a short-arm clothesline. James punches out of a front chancery and goes to tag in Sky, but is pulled down by her hair. Kim goes for another short-arm, but James reverses into what Mike Tenay called a “hangwoman’s-style” neckbreaker. Sky tags in, hits a clothesline, a facebuster and a bulldog. She then hits Kim with a really crappy looking neckbreaker-type thing. She sets up Kim for the DDT, but Karen Jarrett gets on the apron to distract the referee. Rayne comes in and tries to kick Sky, but Sky blocks it into a terrible-looking sit-out double-arm facebuster. She gets back up and walks right into Kim’s foot-to-the-face move that still doesn’t have a name in TNA yet. This gets 3.

WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: Gail Kim and Madison Rayne. Anyone else notice Madison Rayne’s tights look a lot like the gear “Bad Ass” Billy Gunn used to wear? Just saying. Seriously, why does she have a painting of lipstick on the ass of her tights? Is there a point to that?

Backstage, a doctor is checking on James Storm. Sting comes in wanting to know who did it. Storm says he’s fine before stumbling into some chairs. Sting says, if Storm’s fine, tell him what city they’re in. Storm screams that he’s fine.

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We get a video recapping the oh-so wonderful feud between Eric Young and Robbie E, bro.

MATCH 5: Robbie E and Rob Terry vs. Ronnie and World Television Champion Eric Young
So, they took the time to make a video and song for Ronnie, who will be gone after this week, but couldn’t take the time to do the same for Garrett Bischoff, who will be with TNA until Eric Bischoff either quits or dies? Makes sense. Ronnie is clearly taking this seriously by coming out in jeans and a t-shirt. Last time I checked, this wasn’t a street fight, which renders the street clothes look ineffective. Robbie and Ronnie start off. Robbie immediately tags in Terry. Ronnie tags in Young. Just typing all of these names, a casual observer might think I was describing a gay porn rather than a wrestling match. Young tries for a shoulder block, but gets knocked on his ass. Young then tries to lock up with the referee. He hits a corner dropkick on Terry and goes for mounted punches. Terry carries him to the middle of the ring, where Young bites him. Terry hits a back body drop before tagging in Robbie. Robbie with a back elbow. Young fights back with some punches, but Robbie comes back with a knee lift. Terry tags back in and hits a forearm to the chest. Terry hoists Young up for the delayed vertical suplex, which connects. Robbie tags back in, and they hit a terrible version of the Demolition Decapitation for 2. Robbie spits in Ronnie’s face, causing Ronnie to come in and cause a distraction. Robbie whips Young into the corner, but misses a charge. Robbie runs right into a belly-to-belly from Young. Young tags in Ronnie. Ronnie hits a clothesline and a bodyslam. Young comes in with a top rope elbow drop before Ronnie hits the worst splash this side of Snooki at Wrestlemania to pick up the 3.

WINNERS: Ronnie and Eric Young. For whatever reason, Young pulls his wrestling shorts off after the match. Why?

Tonight, we will see a six-man match as Scott Steiner, Bully Ray and Jeff Jarrett take on Mr. Anderson, Jeff Hardy and a mystery partner. Styles/Daniels is up next.

Cue to Jeff Jarrett yelling at Anonymous Interviewer as Blubber Ray and Johnny Bravo look on in the background, doing what they do best, which is just uselessly taking up space. Jarrett says Hardy is his one and only focus. He won’t make it to Turning Point, as Jarrett’s going to take him out tonight. Blubber Ray rants about how he’s going to beat up Mr. Anderson one more time tonight. Steiner says “You two skimmy bastards, go find one of your skim friends, and we’ll beat ‘em all up!” He then says, “I’m gonna take an Anderson AND Hardy right nap”, before walking into a bathroom. Scott Steiner=promo gold. Blubber tells him not to forget a courtesy flush, as he had a lot of eggs today. Is that supposed to be funny?

TNA is now doing a commercial for their merchandise website where Don West is doing a parody of stupid shows like Ghost Hunters. Kill me.

Backstage, we see Mexican America walk into the catering area where Ink Inc. are sitting with Christina von Eerie (I don’t recall what she’s being called in TNA, and I don’t care). The two sides begin brawling. Hey, remember how Mexican America are the Tag Team Champions? Neither does anyone else. Sarita’s no longer wearing her thong mask. Eventually, Mexican America just gives up completely. Also, apparently, Ink Inc. have a Tag Team title match at the next PPV. Makes sense, since they have beaten approximately no one to earn a title match.

Back in the arena, Tenay and Taz are joined by Bjorn Rebney, who is the founder and CEO of Bellator Fighting Championships. Great. Who gives a damn? What does this have to do with anything at all? Bjorn lies out his ass and says he watches TNA every week and it’s a thrill to be sitting here. Please, Bjorn. No one watches this show every week except me.

MATCH 6: Christopher Daniels vs. A.J. Styles
Daniels and Styles both have new entrance themes, and they are both highly generic. Tie up to start, and Daniels backs Styles into the corner before hitting some shoulder blocks and kicks. Bjorn is talking about how Viacom is now the majority owner of Bellator. I care. Back to the match, Styles hits some punches and kicks in the corner. Daniels comes back with a boot and a side headlock. Daniels with a shoulder block. Styles trips him up off a run. Styles hits some chops in the corner. Daniels comes back with a clothesline. Styles misses a dropkick off the crisscross, but does connect with a second attempt off the ropes. Styles gets a kick to the back on Daniels and the jumping knee drop. Styles goes for a springboard, but Daniels knocks him down for 2. Daniels kitchen sinks Styles, then kicks him between the shoulder blades. Bodyslam by Daniels, and a split-legged moonsault gets 2. Daniels locks in a body scissors. Styles elbows his way out of the hold. Daniels walks right into a head scissors, but still manages to roll-up Styles for a pin attempt. Even with his feet on the ropes, Styles kicks out at 2. Daniels goes for Angel’s Wings, but Styles backflips out. Styles hits the moonsault into the inverted DDT, a beautiful move I haven’t seen in a long time (Tenay referred to it as an “inverted, reverse-style DDT”. Way to go, ‘Professor’). Both are back up now. Daniels misses a corner charge and runs right into a clothesline. Styles follows it up with a back elbow, a kick to the leg and a standing enziguri. Styles hits the Superman before going for the Styles Clash. Daniels reverses out, but winds up eating a Pele. Styles goes for the cover, but Daniels gets his foot on the bottom rope. Daniels slides to the floor as Styles argues with the ref. Daniels is looking for something under the ring, but Styles baseball slides him before he can find it. Styles jumps off the apron, but Daniels catches him, rams him into the guardrail, then hits a uranage backbreaker. Daniels pulls a toolbox out from under the ring and grabs a screwdriver out of it. Rob Van Dam yanks the screwdriver out of Daniels’ hand. The distraction causes Daniels to run into a fireman’s carry into an over-the-knee neckbreaker by Styles. Styles immediately turns this into the Styles Clash and gets the 3.

WINNER: A.J. Styles. I’ve seen better outings from these two, but this was still a really good match. If only TNA could put matches like this on more often.

Six-man tag is up next.

I love how TNA never announces the card for their upcoming PPV until the go-home episode of Impact every month. Oh, and no World title match announced for the PPV. Apparently, it’s going to be headlined by Jarrett/Hardy. This wasn’t even a good main event when it was a main event 6 years ago.

MATCH 7: Bully Ray, Jeff Jarrett and Scott Steiner (w/Karen Jarrett) vs. Jeff Hardy, Mr. Anderson and Abyss.
You know what? Thanks to Mr. Anderson, the word “assh*le” no longer means a damn thing. I can’t ever use it as an insult again. He’s completely ruined the word. And TNA’s entrance “videos” are all incredibly generic, but Jeff Hardy’s most definitely takes the top spot as most generic. Third member of the face team turns out to be Abyss, who gets a mild-at-best reaction from the crowd. I swear the back of Hardy’s t-shirt said “The King of Condoms”. I’m sure it said something else that was even dumber, but that’s honestly what it looked like. Abyss and Jarrett start things off. Abyss immediately tags in Hardy, which causes Jarrett to chickensh*t out and tag in Steiner. What could have possibly been going through Steiner’s mind when he got that tattoo done? Steiner backs Hardy into the corner and lays in some shots before hip tossing him back to the middle of the ring. Steiner with a club to the back and a corner whip. Hardy tries to jump out, but Steiner catches him. Steiner goes for a powerslam, but Hardy slides out and hits the reverse enziguri. Anderson tags in and locks in an arm wringer, but Steiner punches out. Jarrett tags in and runs into a back elbow and swinging neckbreaker by Anderson for 2. Ray hits an elbow on Anderson from behind, causing Anderson to run into a clothesline from Jarrett, which happened to be quite possibly the worst clothesline I’ve ever seen. Ray tags in and hits some elbow drops. Steiner tags back in and boots Anderson in the gut before hitting a clothesline. Steiner hits the posing elbow before doing the “patented push-up”. How do you patent a push-up, Tenay? God, I hate you. Anderson comes back with a clothesline, and now both are down. Hardy and Ray both tag in. Hardy with a forearm shot and a kick out of the corner. Hardy lands the middle rope legdrop, then goes up top. Jarrett trips him up. Steiner climbs to the middle rop and hits Hardy with a middle rope fireman’s carry slam. Ray goes for the pin, but only gets 2. Ray locks in a body scissors. Hardy breaks out with elbows, but Ray elbows him in the back before a tag can be made. Jarrett tags in and throws Hardy into the corner. Hardy hits an elbow off the charge, then climbs up and hits Whisper in the Wind. Abyss and Steiner tag in. Abyss takes all the heels out with clotheslines. He hits an avalanche on Ray in the corner, followed by a boot on Steiner. Jarrett goes for The Stroke, but Abyss blocks it and hits the Shock Treatment. Ray clotheslines Ray to the floor. Hardy hits him with a Twist of Fate and a Swanton Bomb. Jarrett hits The Stroke on Hardy, but runs right into a Mic Check by Anderson. Anderson turns around into an overhead belly-to-belly by Steiner. Steiner looks for the Steiner Recliner, but breaks it as he sees Abyss climbing back into the ring. Steiner tries to hit Abyss with some shots, but Abyss reverses a whip into the Black Hole Slam for the 3.

WINNERS: Abyss, Jeff Hardy and Mr. Anderson.

Despite James Storm being laid out, the title match will still apparently happen tonight. Tenay and Taz argue like an old married couple over having to assume that Bobby Roode was responsible for the attack.

MATCH 8-World Championship: Champion Bobby Roode vs. James Storm
Storm has an excellent entrance video. It’s footage of him drinking beer, walking around in a field somewhere, and a close-up of jelly jars. Just brilliant. Storm doesn’t come out to his music the first time. After a second, the music starts up a second time. Storm does eventually make his way out, and he’s completely covered in blood as he stumbles down to the ring. You know, I understand he got busted open earlier, but are you telling me they couldn’t give him some bandages and clean him up a bit? It’s the same thing WCW did when Sting got a bloodbath on an episode of Nitro, and came back a week later still covered in dried “blood”. Storm gets to ringside, charges into the ring and takes Roode down before laying in some punches. Storm with some more punches and a corner whip. Storm back body drops Roode out of the corner, then immediately falls back down to the mat as Roode looks on. Referee Brian Hebner throws up the “X” sign, causing a doctor to come to ringside. The doctor states the obvious and tells Hebner he’s got a head injury. Roode is looking on concerned. The referee tells him the match is over as he tries to lift Storm up along with Hebner. Roode asks Hebner if he rung the bell, signifying that the match is over. Hebner says, “no”. Roode then schoolboys Storm to get the 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Bobby Roode. After the match, Styles and Kazarian run into the ring to check on Storm. Sting makes his way out as Roode celebrates. Styles calls Roode a piece of trash. Styles challenges Roode to come down and get some. He tells Sting he wants Roode at Turning Point as ominous music begins to play randomly. Sting makes the match.

End of show.

So, let me get this straight. TNA has always been bad about announcing a PPV card until the go-home episode of Impact, as I mentioned earlier. That’s nothing new. However, this time, they outdid themselves and decided to book the main event title match at the very end of the go-home show, giving them not even so much as five minutes to build up the match and really entice fans to buy the PPV. That is some of the most idiotic booking of a PPV I’ve ever seen. And those in TNA wonder why fans refer to them as the reincarnation of late 90’s/early 00’s of WCW.

Anyway, this show had 8 matches, which has got to be a record for an episode of Impact. However, only two of those matches (Daniels/Styles; six-man) lasted longer than 5 minutes, and only one of those two (Daniels/Styles) was even worth watching.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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TNA Turning Point 2011 Card Shaping Up

November 04, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

TNA Turning Point 2011TNA Wrestling will return to pay per view with Turning Point 2011 on Sunday November 12. Pulling a page out of the WWE handbook, the company has released the match lineup with only a week and a half to go…sans the main-event.

I really don’t understand this new trend of the big two pro wrestling companies announcing pay per view cards less than two weeks before the show. I can understand an independent pro wrestling company with a part time staff experiencing this problem, but what do the full time booking members do all day? Especially in TNA Wrestling where television is taped is weeks in advance?

Regardless of my complaining, the companies will continue to do what they do and TNA has at least put out the meat of the lineup for Turning Point. Six matches have been announced, although one is a partial. But don’t worry. It is only the main event.

The following portion of the blog contains major spoilers. Stop reading if you do not wish to see upcoming taped results and news.

The main-event will feature brand new TNA Wrestling champion Bobby Roode defending his newly won title. Roode will enter the pay per view as arguably the hottest heel in the company. Not announcing his opponent until next Thursday isn’t going to do him much favors. Although savvy Internet readers are already aware of the matchup and it is a good one.

AJ Styles vs. Bobby Roode will headline the show. On paper this is a great match and I love the idea that TNA will start putting some real quality into their championship matches. Unfortunately the company has done very little to keep Styles strong which will likely temper any excitement of such a competitive match. This could have had big potential here if they held it off for at least a month and booked the idea of the former champion trying to teach the new champion a lesson. But hey, it is hard to imagine this not being the best pro wrestling match to headline a pay per view in November.

Jeff Jarrett vs. Jeff Hardy will co-headline the show. I can’t imagine anyone being real excited about this match. I do like Jarrett, a lot more than most do who blog on pro wrestling. I just think it’s the kind of match we have seen dozens of times before in TNA. Why charge anyone to see it when Impact Wrestling offers better matchups for free?

Christopher Daniels vs. Rob Van Dam is one that is likely to get the hardcore wrestling fans talking. On paper, this one should be really good. However, keep in mind that these guys did wrestle each other on the independents a couple of years ago and it was extremely disappointing. Maybe they turn it up a few notches knowing it is for pay per view? It is a no disqualification match so I think we will see a lot more action than we saw back in California a few years back.

The rest of the card is mixed underneath with Crimson vs. Matt Morgan (not quite sure what happened to Crimson’s push and why he isn’t in the big picture). Ink Ink vs. Mexican Americana for the tag belts and Gail Kim vs. Velvet Sky in a TNA Knockouts title match.

The current Turning Point 2011 lineup…
AJ Styles vs. Bobby Roode…TNA World Heavyweight Title Match
Ink Inc. vs. Mexican America…Six Person match for the TNA Tag Team Titles
Gail Kim vs. Velvet Sky…TNA Knockouts Title Match
Jeff Jarrett vs. Jeff Hardy
Crimson vs. Matt Morgan
Daniels vs. Rob Van Dam…No DQ

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 11-03-11 – Another New TNA Champion!

November 04, 2011 By: Category: Entertainment, Videos, WWE | Pro Wrestling

Bobby RoodeBefore I get into the show, I’d like to say that I usually avoid spoilers. The only time I read them is when I know I’m going to miss a show for whatever reason (cable’s out, DVR doesn’t record, etc.). Otherwise, despite all of the information available on wrestling out there, when it comes to the actual TV shows, I like to go in not knowing anything, and still enjoy being surprised by wrestling and suspending my disbelief. That being said, I still occasionally read a spoiler by accident, whether it’s because I read a normal article that turns out to be a spoiler, or if someone just posts a spoiler to a show somewhere and doesn’t clearly state that it’s a spoiler, ruining it for the rest of us. Last Wednesday was one of those times. If you’ve already read other articles here on CCB or elsewhere, you probably already know what I’m talking about. Tonight’s main event, at least to me, is very bittersweet, and I’ll get to that later on in the recap.

The show starts with another James Storm video recap, which leads right into a Robert Roode video recap, as well as Roode winning the #1 contender match last week, which he cashes in tonight.

The 11/3/11 edition of Impact Wrestling starts off. TNA is coming from Macon, GA this week (and next week). World Champion James Storm makes his way to the ring. Storm says, growing up in the south, you learn things that will help you in life and make you into a real man. Southerners treat everyone in the world with respect, and if someone disses the red, white and blue, you beat the hell out of them. I disagree with that whole southerner remark. I’ve met a whole mess of narrow-minded pricks from the south in my lifetime. Storm says you only get one go around in this life, and what you do with it is up to you. He got drunk the other night and was wondering what was going to be on his tombstone. He lists off a bunch of things before saying “World Champion”. He can come out here and say he’s going to be a fighting champion like everyone else, but he drinks too much for all of that. He’s been everywhere in the U.S., and it has brought him right here to Macon. He’s been around the world 6 times, and there’s one man who has been on his side the entire time, and that man is Bobby Roode.

]Roode makes his way down to his horribly generic theme music that both he and Storm pretend to rock out to. Storm brings up the match they had a few weeks ago prior to Bound For Glory. Tonight, Storm said he’d give Roode the first shot, and he wants Roode to bring everything he’s got tonight. Roode says he’s had a chance to think about his career, and all of his success, he owes to James Storm. Storm knows as well as he does that they were struggling as singles wrestlers a few years ago, but when they were put together, Beer Money took off. Roode says Storm came up with the team name and all of the merchandise, and he’s why Beer Money took off. He thanks Storm for all of his success. When Storm beat Angle a couple weeks ago, Roode was proud to share that moment. Storm has been his best friend for four years, and tonight, he’s got another opportunity, so Storm is damn right in that Roode is going to bring it in their match. Roode says that they need to do what they’ve been doing for the last four years, and that’s steal the show. Let’s blow the roof of this sonofabitch and have the match of their lives. Whoever wins tonight will be known as the better man, and that’s all they’ve both ever wanted. I never thought I’d miss Beer Money’s theme, but after hearing the awful themes Storm and Roode have as singles wrestlers now, I welcome it.
Ooh. Ronnie from “Jersey Shore” will be here tonight. And TNA wonders why no one takes them seriously.

We see Eric Young walk into the building with the aforementioned Ronnie. Woo.

MATCH 1-Knockouts Tag Team Championship: Gail Kim and Madison Rayne (w/Traci Brooks and Karen Jarrett) vs. Champions Miss Tessmacher and Tara
I really didn’t want the first match of the night to involve the Jarrett Horse Ranch. Actually, I don’t want them on here at all. Apparently Tara and Tessy are calling themselves “TNT” now. Not that it matters. Once they lose tonight, they’ll probably stop teaming together anyway. Tessy and Rayne start off. Tie up into to an arm wringer by Tessy. Tara tags in and takes over the wringer. Rayne reverses into one, but Tara cartwheels out into another one. Tessy back in, who hits a pair of arm drags and an armbar. Tara back in, and they hit a double gourdbuster. Kim tags in now. Boot to the gut by Kim, followed by some forearms. Tara comes back with a pair of clotheslines and a whip off the ropes. Tara hits a back body drop. Kim tries to tag out, but Rayne doesn’t want to. She eventually does, and gets hit by a clothesline, a forearm and a horrible dropkick by Tessy who tagged in. Tessy goes for a stinkface, but Kim yanks her off from the apron. Kim tags in now and hits an uppercut, followed by a botched neckbreaker for 2. Kim locks on a dragon sleeper, but Tessy elbows her way out. Kim forearms her in the face and stomps her in the head. Rayne tags in and goes for the Taco Twister, but Tessy slides out and tags Tara in. Tara with a couple of clotheslines and a bodyslam. She goes for the standing moonsault, but Kim bulldogs her down from behind. Tessy spears Kim. They brawl to the floor. Tara hits the Widow’s Peak, but Karen Jarrett jumps on the apron to distract the ref. Meanwhile, Kim comes back in and hits Tara with what I’m calling Drop Foot Syndrome until I am told it’s called something else. The ref turns around to see Rayne making the pin, and counts the 3.

WINNERS AND NEW CHAMPIONS: Gail Kim and Madison Rayne.

We see Garrett Bischoff talking to Anonymous Interviewer. He says he’s been apologizing to his dad his whole life, whether he’s been right or not. Tonight, he’s going to give his dad what he wants, and that’s an apology, but he’s going to apologize his way.

Back from the commercial, Garrett’s in the ring. The last few weeks have been pretty crazy, and he never would have thought it would have come down to this. It blows his mind. His dad would like an apology. He came here tonight to do that. He then calls Eric Bischoff down to the ring to apologize face-to-face.

Eric Bischoff makes his way down to the ring. Garrett says he wants to apologize face-to-face. He’s sorry that he hasn’t lived up to Eric’s expectations, and he’s sorry he let Eric down at BFG. He’s really sorry he hasn’t grown into the man Eric wanted him to be, but what he’s most sorry about is that he didn’t do this years ago. Garrett then decks Eric, takes him down and lays in a bunch of punches until Ric Flair and Gunner come down to the ring and chase him off. Eric eventually gets up and just screams a whole bunch of times.
We see Samoa Joe walking around backstage. He comes across Sting. He asks Sting if he needs anything. Sting says everything is peachy and wants to know what Joe wants. Joe thanks him for the opportunity he was given last week in the match with Roode. Sting says it was his pleasure, “Joseph”. Joe says he needs Sting to also understand that, if he thinks that’s going to shut him up, he’s mistaken. If Sting doesn’t show him the respect he deserves, people around here wind up getting hurt. Does Sting understand that? Sting says he understands that if he doesn’t show Joe respect, Joe’s going to kill somebody. Copy. Got it. Joe says “We’ll see” before walking off. Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair then walk up. Eric says if Sting could fire him right now, he would, but they both know Sting can’t do that, because they have ironclad contracts. Flair came up with a great idea. He and Eric want a match with Garrett, and if Sting gives them that, they’ll give Sting a chance to rewrite Eric’s contract. Sting says it’s interesting, but he’s going to talk to Garrett first.

We see Christopher Daniels walking around. He says everything’s coming up Christopher Daniels. Ever since he started doing things for himself, he’s been on a winning streak. First, he beat A.J. Styles, and then went to BFG and beat Styles in an “I Quit” Match. He says that, despite the “audio tomfoolery” that occurred in that match, he was still the one who walked out on his own. He wants to know where his title shots are now, especially since he beat Rob Van Dam last week. RVD walks up behind him as he’s talking about the sloppy ring crew leaving a screwdriver laying around. He doesn’t need a screwdriver to beat Styles or Bob Van Dam. Daniels turns around into a punch from RVD. RVD takes him down and punches him a whole bunch of times before slamming him into a wall. More punches and a kick to the chest. More punches. RVD throws him into some chairs. Daniels pulls some of them down and runs away.

MATCH 2: Jesse Sorensen vs. World X-Division Champion Austin Aries (non-title)
So much for the new focus on the X-Division. This is the first X match I can recall seeing in weeks, and the champion hasn’t even been featured in backstage segments, let alone matches. Aries is one of the top 5 talents on the roster, and he’s just being wasted. Sorensen ducks a clothesline and gets a quick school boy for 1. He then goes for a backslide and gets another one. Kid Kash has just joined the commentary table. This should be stunning. Aries decks Sorensen off a handshake, then lays in some elbows to the back of the head. He hits a back elbow off the ropes and a jumping elbow drop for 2. Aries goes for the brainbuster, but Sorensen back drops him to the floor. He goes for a plancha to the floor, but Aries sidesteps him, gets in the ring and hits a suicide dive. Aries throws Sorensen back in the ring and gets 2. Aries locks in a neck vice. Sorensen elbows his way out, but Aries catches him in a leg breaker into a uranage, then follows it up with a quick spinning elbow for 2. Nice-looking sequence there. Aries gets Sorensen in the corner and hits an open-handed chop, but runs into a boot. Sorensen comes back with a knife edge and a pair of high knees. A dropkick gets 2. Sorensen goes up top, but misses a cross body. Aries kicks Sorensen in the head, follows it up with a corner dropkick, then throws Sorensen in the corner. He hits another corner dropkick before going for the brainbuster. Sorensen quickly reverses into a roll-up and gets the 3.

WINNER: Jesse Sorensen. Good match, and a little longer than the average X-Division fare, which is never a bad thing. Aries then calls Kid Kash over. He wants to talk to Kash about “Jesse Sorenstat”.

We see Robbie E and Rob Terry making their way into the arena. I couldn’t give a damn.

Back from the break, James Storm is in the locker room getting ready. He says this is his life, and although Bobby’s like a brother to him, the World title is what he’s been working for for 15 years. Cut to Roode. He says this is a dream for both him and Storm. It’s going to be like brothers fighting out there tonight.

Back in the arena, the Robs are making their way to the ring. I want Cookie back. At least these segments would be semi-tolerable if she was still here. Robbie gets a microphone. He says he’s cutting to right to the chase. “Hamster Eric Young and Poser Ronnie” need to come to the ring and face Little Robbie & Big Robbie. Young and Ronnie make their way to the ring. Ronnie is wearing Young’s old TNA World title belt that he literally fished out of the trash, it was that important. Robbie E says he doesn’t know why Ronnie is hanging out with Grizzly Adams, and he doesn’t care, bro. He’s been waiting to come face-to-face with Ronnie for a long time, bro. He wants to tell Ronnie that “Jersey Shore” sucks, bro. Agreed. He also wants to tell Ronnie he sucks. He’s not threatened by Ronnie, bro. He’s taken out guys who are bigger, better and taller, and what’s he’s trying to tell Ronnie, dude, is that he can kick Ronnie’s ass any time he wants, bro. I guess Robbie E went to the Hulk Hogan School of Repetitive Promos. Bro. Ronnie says how about right now. Robbie E says we don’t do things like that around here, bro. Why doesn’t Ronnie go to the back, hamster, pack your bag, hamster, go to your hamster car, and get off his turf before he punks his ass like “The Situation” did, bitch. Ronnie spears Robbie E, but Rob Terry clubs him over the head. Young jumps on Terry’s back, but gets thrown down immediately. Terry hits Young with a Polish Hammer, then puts Ronnie in a front chancery as Robbie E whips his back with a belt. The Robs leave the ring as Eric gets a microphone. He says it’s apparent to everyone here that Ronnie and Eric are massive television stars. He calls himself the “High Chancellor of Television, Master of All Things Entertainment”. He has to clear this all with his close, personal family friend Sting, but next week, it’ll be the Robs vs. Young and Ronnie.

I wonder how many brain cells the world over were killed after being exposed to that last segment?

Up next, Jeff Diet Shasta Orange and Blubber Ray vs. Meth Hardy and Alien Frat Boy.

Back from the break, we get a recap of what we just saw in the last segment. Why?

MATCH 3: Bully Ray and Jeff Jarrett (w/Karen Jarrett) vs. Jeff Hardy and Mr. Anderson
Mike Tenay just made the following very intelligent observation: “Jarrett and Bully Ray will be taking on two individuals, and yes, they are individuals.” Just brilliant, Professor. You are so smart that I really think you need an apprentice named Luke and an assistant named Emmy. Mr. Anderson does his horrendous microphone bit and tells us that his dad totally owns a dealership. Totally. Now that his hair isn’t blonde, he kind of looks like Jonathan Banks in “Beverly Hills Cop”. Jeff Hardy comes out to a series of sound effects that is supposed to be an entrance theme. Hardy and Ray start off with a tie-up. Ray gets him into a corner and hits some punches to the gut and head. As if Jeff can feel those. Ray with a boot to the stomach and another punch. Hardy with a spinning head scissors off a corner whip, and follows it up with a legdrop between the legs and a seated dropkick for 2. Ray gets back to his feet and whips Hardy down. Jarrett tags in and his the worst-looking punches in wrestling today. Hardy comes back with a clothesline and a reverse enziguri. Another clothesline out of the corner. Hardy goes to the ropes, but Karen trips him up. Jarrett with some stomps before slamming Hardy face-first into Ray’s boot. Ray tags in and hits some crossface punches and a running splash that only gets 2 since he’s not The Ultimate Warrior. Ray goes into a neck vice and follows it up with an elbow to the head. Jarrett tags in and hits a kick. Jarrett does the butt drop thing across the ropes before breaking out the “Double J” strut. Hardy comes back with punches and reverses a sleeper into a back suplex. Ray and Anderson tag in. Anderson with punches, a clothesline, a back elbow and a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Jarrett breaks up the pin, and Hardy takes him down. Hardy and Anderson do a pair of Poetry in Motions, then go up for the Swanton and Kenton Bombs. Scott Steiner runs down and trips up Mr. Anderson, causing the DQ.

WINNERS VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Jeff Hardy and Mr. Anderson. After the match, Steiner hits the faces with a chair, and Ray clotheslines Hardy with the wallet chain. Jarrett does the Stroke while Ray simultaneously hits the Bully Bomb. Have I ever mentioned that not only are these two of the worst-named finishers in wrestling today, but also two of the worst finishers period?

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After more commercials, we see Sting and Garrett Bischoff talking in a hallway. Sting runs Eric Bischoff’s proposition by Garrett. It’s now an opponent of Eric’s choice for the match, instead of Eric himself. Not sure when that changed. He asks Garrett what he thinks. Garrett agrees to it. Sting says it’s the wrong thing to do, he apologizes, and it cannot happen. Garrett begs him to make it happen. Sting agrees to it. This match will happen next week, and I for one am ecstatic.

Back in the arena, Matt Morgan makes his way down to the ring. He gets on a microphone and calls Crimson down to the ring. Lance Sackless answers the call and makes his way down. Morgan says it’s safe to say they’ve shared a common enemy in Samoa Joe. They’ve had each others’ backs during that entire time. The most frequently asked question Morgan gets is when is finally going to wrestle Crimson in a one-on-one match. Over the past two years, Morgan busted his ass to headline multiple PPVs for this company he loves, and to cement his name as the best giant in this business, and there isn’t another 7-footer in the business who can touch what he does. He gets off on competition, so he wants to give the fans what they want. Let’s give the fans this “dream match” (his words), that being “Crims” (again, his word) vs. Matt Morgan. “Crims” says his Twitter has been blown up, and his fans want to see it, too. How can his unbeaten streak be the real deal unless he takes out everyone, including Matt Morgan? It’s no mystery to him who will win the match, and he’s betting his bank account on it. He wants to raise the stakes, and wants Morgan to bring his A-game at Turning Point because no one is ending the streak, not even Morgan. Um…the stakes were raised how?

Up next, Roode vs. Storm for the World title.

We get the same Storm/Roode video package from the top of the show. I’m not recapping this.

MATCH 4-World Championship: Bobby Roode vs. Champion James Storm
Why does Roode’s shirt say “Off the chain”? Has he ever said that phrase even once? Last time I checked, that was one of Taz’s clichés. Could they have made Storm and Roode’s themes sound any more alike? Jeremy Borash plugs 5-Hour Energy before giving us the official announcements, then incorrectly calls Brian Hebner “Ryan”. Main events with corporate sponsorship = ratings. Tie-up to start, with Storm immediately going into a waistlock. Roode reverses and gets a snapmare into a rear chinlock. Storm reverses into a hammerlock, then a hip throw and a side headlock. Another hip throw/headlock combo by Storm. Another tie-up, with Storm going into a side headlock. Shoulder block off the ropes, but Roode comes back with a back elbow and bodyslam. Roode misses a jumping knee, hits a bodyslam and misses a jumping knee himself. They trade quick legsweeps and pinfall attempts, followed by a stalemate. Test of strength time, with Roode getting the better of it. He stomps Storm’s hand off and goes into an arm wringer. Storm reverses into one of his own. Roode reverses into an arm drag as we go to commercial.

Back from the break, Storm has Roode in the corner and is driving his shoulder into the midsection. Storm with a punch, but Roode throws Storm into the corner and hits some punches. Storm reverses and hits some open-hand chops. Roode reverses and hits knife edge chops. They do this sequence once more. Roode with a snapmare. He goes for the rolling neck snap, but Storm ducks and hits him with a high knee off the ropes. Storm goes for the pin and gets 2. Storm with a corner whip and a series of clotheslines against the turnbuckle. Storm with another whip, but Roode comes back with a clothesline. He goes up top, but Storm cuts him off with an uppercut. Storm goes up and hits a “super-duperplex off the tippy-top rope”, according to Taz. Ref starts the 10-count, but Storm gets to one foot to break the count. They trade a bunch of punches. Storm with a forearm and a pair of clotheslines off the ropes, followed by a back body drop. Roode kicks off a corner charge and hits a middle rope blockbuster for 2. Roode back drops Storm off a corner charge, but Storm lands on his feet and hits a kick to the back of the head. Storm goes up and hits a cross body, but Roode rolls through and gets a 2-conut. Roode looks for the Payoff, but Storm reverses into a lung blower for 2. Storm sets Roode up for the Eye of the Storm, but Roode slides out and hits the Double R spinebuster for 2. Storm comes back with a knee to the head and clotheslines Roode to the floor, going over as well. Hebner starts the count, but both get back in in time. Storm goes for the suspended DDT on the way back in, but Roode reverses into the Bowflex. Storm goes for the rope, but Roode blocks his arm and turns the move into a Rings of Saturn. Storm still manages to break the hold by getting his foot on the ropes. Roode sets Storm up on the top and looks for a middle rope superplex. Storm punches out and hits a gourdbuster from the top. He gets to his feet on the top and hits a flying elbow for 2. Storm is looking for the Last Call now. Roode catches the foot and immediately goes for the Payoff. Storm breaks out and whips Roode towards the corner, but Roode reverses. Storm puts on the breaks just as he’s about to collide with Hebner in the corner. Roode charges in as Storm not only jumps out of the way, but Hebner jumps down to the floor as well. Roode turns around into a double-knee facebuster from Storm, sending him to the floor. Hebner is selling a knee injury right now. Roode sees Storm’s beer bottle and, behind the ref’s back, smashes it over Storm’s head. Hebner’s back in, and he counts the 3.

WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: Bobby Roode. Well, that was a good match until the B.S. ending. After the match, Roode stands on Storm with one foot as he holds the belt in the air.

End of show.

Okay, so now onto why this was bittersweet. Yes, Roode is the champion, but 1) he won the belt in cheap fashion, which did nothing for his credibility in this whole series with him, Storm and Angle, 2) TNA is playing hot potato with the title, which is one of many things that killed WCW, and 3) much like James Storm, I’m expecting Roode’s title reign to be very short. Paper champion, lame-duck champion, transitional champion, call it what you will; Storm was one, and I have a very bad feeling Roode will become one as well. It’s a damn shame Roode is being booked this way, as he is really damn good at what he does for a living and deserved to win the belt cleanly.

Aside from that, this wasn’t a terrible episode of TNA. The talking was kept somewhat to a minimum, and the X-Division match was good. The main was really good until the ending, which just seemed totally forced.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 10-27-11 – Bobby Roode Earns A Title Shot

October 28, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

robert roodeWelcome to the 10/27/11 edition of Impact Wrestling. Show starts with a recap of Storm winning the World Championship last week, including a post-match interview that Storm apparently did after the show. If you watched last week, you already know what happened, and you can pretty much guess the content of Storm’s interview. He dedicated the win to his dad, who passed away several years back.

In the Impact Zone, World Champion James Storm comes out, and he’s got brand new entrance music and a video to go along with it. The music sounds very similar to Mickie James’ theme, save for the fact that her hideous voice is nowhere to be found. Storm thanks his dad, who passed away when he was 12. He told his dad he wanted to be a pro wrestler and a champion. He heard all the cliché comments like “you’re not big enough” and all that. Growing up, he and his dad watched football, NASCAR and pro wrestling, and “Dad, I’m the champion.” He thanks the fans, who made his dream come true. He then invites the rest of Fortune to the ring.

Kazarian, Bobby Roode and A.J. Styles make their way out to the ring. Does anyone else find their hand gesture ridiculous-looking? Storm says they have changed Impact Wrestling. Roode was brought out because everyone knows he was screwed out of the World title at Bound For Glory. While getting a drunk at a bar last night, he came up with a great idea-give Bobby Roode the first shot at the blet. Roode shakes his hand.

For whatever reason, Samoa Joe comes out. I’m going to guess that, despite not having won a match in months, he’s going to demand a shot because he’s supposedly the most deserving. Joe says he used to be a part of the group, fighting against the system. He congratulates Storm for transcending that, but it’s unusual to him that, for all the greatness Storm, Joe sees the same four scumbags he saw before Storm wound up with the belt. He sees another version of Immortal in them, wanting to keep the belt in the family, and “…judging by your background, that shouldn’t be too hard, hillbilly.” Okay, that was a great line. He asks if the other members of Fortune are going to be getting the next shots at the belt. Joe tells Storm who he’s going to give the next shot to. Storm is going to prove that it’s a brand new day, and he’s going to give that title shot to the most dominant force in TNA, Samoa Joe. Can I call this or what? Storm says when he looks at Joe, he sees a dumb bitch. Joe has already had his opportunity, and that window has closed. After Roode, maybe he will give a shot to Kazarian or Styles because they bust their asses every week. Where has Joe been? He was beaten by Crimson at BFG and Roode beat him a couple of months ago. Why should his dumb ass get jumped to the head of the line? As much as I hate to agree with James Storm here, he’s absolutely right. Joe’s been a glorified jobber for the last few months. Joe says it’s because he’s about to give a shot to a man who already failed miserably, pointing at Roode in the process.

Sting makes his way out. He says that’s why he’s here-to settle disputes. Joe and Roode both have really strong cases, so he’s going to make a decision. Tonight, a match will determine a new #1 contender, and the match will be between Samoa Joe and Bobby Roode, with the winner facing Storm next week in Macon, GA. Take a wild guess as to who wins that match. Roode, who won the BFG series and main evented BFG, or Joe, who probably won’t be with TNA much longer and has lost to practically every other wrestler in the company this year alone. Gee, tough call.

We see Christopher Daniels talking to Anonymous Interviewer backstage. He says before the interviewer even asks the dumb question, no, he did not say “I quit” at BFG. He looked into it and said Styles took some recordings of him and had them played over the sound system. Styles can’t beat him, and you know who else can’t? Bob Van Dam, and he’ll prove it next.

MATCH 1: Christopher Daniels vs. Rob Van Dam
I don’t think I’ve ever seen Daniels wrestle in pants before. It’s odd-looking. Tie-up to start. RVD turns it into an arm lock, but Daniels reverses into a roll-up for 2. RVD with a body scissors into a pin for 2. Another tie-up. Daniels with a side headlock. Shoulder block off the ropes. Series of misses. Daniels with a roll-up for 2. A.J. Styles comes in for commentary at this point. Daniels with some shots. He tries to ram RVD’s head into the turnbuckle, but RVD blocks with a kick and hits a standing moonsault for 2. RVD misses a roundhouse, and Daniels trips him up, with RVD, botching the landing into the bottom turnbuckle. Daniels with some elbows to the back of the neck and an STO gets 2. RVD kicks off a corner charge and gets some punches, but Daniels counters into a standing uranage. Daniels goes for the BME, but RVD rolls out of the way. Daniels lands on his feet, but eats a kick from RVD. A pair of clotheslines and a thrust kick from RVD. RVD with a monkey flip out of the corner and a springboard thrust kick. RVD goes for Rolling Thunder, but Daniels sees it coming and rolls to the floor. RVD with a cross body to the floor before throwing Daniels back in. He goes for the Five-Star, but Daniels sees that coming and goes back to the floor again. RVD sets Daniels up gut-first on the guardrail and hits the spinning legdrop from the ring apron. Daniels goes under the ring and grabs a toolbox and hits RVD in the gut with it, causing the DQ.

WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Rob Van Dam. Daniels begins fishing a screwdriver out of the box, but Styles runs down from the announcer’s desk. Daniels runs out through the crowd. A few years ago, RVD/Daniels would have been a great match, but at this point, Van Dam is just going through the motions & collecting a paycheck, and it shows. He’s gotten very lazy in the ring.

We see Karen Jarrett walking with Gail Kim, Traci Brooks and Madison Rayne. Oh, this should be stunning.

Back from the commercial as The Jarrett Horse Ranch makes its way to the ring. Karen orders Traci to hold the ropes open for both Maddy and Gail Kim. Gail says everyone can stop with the e-mails, texts and tweets asking her “Why, Gail? Why?” For starters, it’s none of your damn business. She doesn’t owe anyone an explanation. But if you want to know why Gail Kim gave Velvet Sky a concussion last week, she’d be happy to do so. Her entire career, all she ever did was do what everyone told her to do. First at TNA, then at “another company” (her words). It would have happened again if it hadn’t been for the person with her best interests in mind, Karen Jarrett. It’s not about the company you work for, or the fans who never put a dime in her pocket, it’s about her. If that’s really the case, coming to a company that heavily papers its crowds probably wasn’t the best decision, Gail. Anyway, she says she is now the center of attention, and it’s all about her being the one who gets noticed and getting treated like the main eventer she always was and will be.

Karen says since she is “the queen of my word” (again, her words), and she promised Gail that if she came back to TNA and stood by her side, it would all pay off. At Turning Point, Gail will get a Knockouts title match against Velvet, and the sooner they get the belt off that prostitute Velvet and around Gail’s waist, the better off we’ll all be. Gail says she promises she will not let Karen down, and most of all, she’s not going to let herself down, so bring out a piece of fresh meat right now so she can showcase her greatness. You know, it’s been a long time since I heard a Gail Kim promo. I now realize there was a reason for that.

MATCH 2: Gail Kim (w/Karen Diet Shasta Orange, The Scarecrow and Mrs. King) vs. Knockout Tag Team Co-Champion Tara
God, do I feel old with that reference. At least I know my good friend Kelly Ravelli will appreciate it. Tara is “fresh meat”? She’s older than Gail! As Tara tries to get in the ring, Kim just boots her in the face, sending her all the way down to the floor. Kim throws Tara into the ring and knocks her down from behind before slamming her face into the mat a couple of times. Kim gets some mounted punches in. Tara fights back with gut shots, but a forearm to the head takes her down. Tara with a boot off the ropes, but is taken right back down with a clothesline. She throws Tara out near the horsies. Traci tries to check on her, but is pulled away by Karen. Tara climbs back up on the apron and is slingshot back into the ring by Kim as we go to commercial.

Back from the break, Kim has a foot choke going in the corner. Kim with some more punches. She whips Kim in the corner. Tara moves but takes a back elbow. Kim locks in the Iron Octopus, but Tara turns it into a sidewalk slam. Tara with some punches and clotheslines. Tara hits a flipping neckbreaker for 2. Tara goes for the Spider’s Web, but Kim holds onto the top rope, escapes and sends Tara throat-first into the ropes. Tara turns around into the move that Kim used to call Eat Defeat, and this one’s over.

WINNER: Gail Kim. Tara looked like hell in this match, and it wasn’t because Gail was dominant. No, it was because her moves looked really sloppy, and she was moving at a snail’s pace.

We see Jeff Hardy in the back. He says it’s official, and he is back here in the Impact Zone for his first match back against Blubber Ray. It’s been a long time since they faced each other. In fact, it’s been a long time since he’s faced anyone, and it’s his chance to show everyone he can still do what he used to do.

In another area backstage, Bischoff and Ric Flair walk in. You know, if Dixie had any sense at all, she would have, you know, fired the two guys that stole her company from her in the first place, that being Hogan and Bischoff. Instead, both still have jobs, as does everyone else in Immortal. Logic be damned. Robbie E tries to stop them for whatever reason, but they blow him off. Flair tells Bischoff he needs to give his son some “tough love”, and that’s what he does with his kids.

I don’t know about the movie “Immortals” yet. I did love “300”, so it’s possible that this could be at least halfway decent.

MATCH 3: World Television Champion: Robbie E (w/Rob Terry) vs. Champion Eric Young
Hey, remember when Rob Terry was scheduled to become a main eventer? No? How about when he joined Immortal? Still no? How about when he inexplicably left Immortal to rejoin the British Invasion? No again? That’s alright. Neither does TNA, which explains him inexplicably leaving the British Invasion to hang out with Robbie E. Cookie was the only good thing Robbie E had going for him, but since TNA, in their infinite wisdom, canned her, he’s officially worthless. Eric Young gets in the ring and starts going after the referee, apparently thinking that’s his opponent. Young gets a forearm off the ropes on Robbie. Robbie whips Young into the corner, but Young does the Flair Flip onto the apron before doing some fist-pumping. Young baseball slides between Robbie’s legs to get back into the ring, and Robbie turns around into a belly-to-belly. Taz makes a Magnum TA reference, and for that, I thank him. Young goes for the piledriver, but Terry distracts him. Robbie back drops out of it. He goes for a corner charge, but Young gets the foot up. He follows that up with a crucifix for the pin.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Eric Young. After the match, Rob Terry hits Young from behind. Robbie E tells Terry to pick him up. He holds Young as Robbie E hits a gut shot. Terry picks him up again, with Robbie getting a knee to the gut. One more time. This time, he slaps Young before piefacing him to the mat. As the Robs head to the back, Young gets up and grabs a microphone. He asks who punches a person in the stomach. He’s never been accused of being the smartest guy in the world, but the Robs brought this on themselves. Young says he now has to bring in the “Hollywood heavies”. In Macon, GA, he’s bringing Ronnie from “The Jersey Shore”. Wonderful. Just wonderful. How exactly is that supposed to intimidate anyone? This match was totally pointless. It was obviously supposed to be a comedy match, except it wasn’t funny. And the introduction of yet another “Jersey Shore” waste of money didn’t help at all.

We see Eric Bischoff walking towards the ring, and with purpose. No one’s gonna tell him how to live his life, uh-uh, because if Eric Bischoff wants to rollerblade, Eric Bischoff rollerblades.

We see Christopher Daniels talking to someone on the phone named Bill, and how he’ll be on the podcast. He wants to know who he has to talk to to get a title match. It’s been 9 years, Chris. You’re just now wondering that? He tells “Bill” he beat RVD tonight and Styles at BFG, so “Bill” needs to put his name in and get the contract signed and done. Kazarian walks in as Daniels hangs up. He tells Daniels this stuff with Styles has to stop. All Kazarian is asking Daniels is to talk to him friend-to-friend after the show. Daniels agrees to it.

We now see Blubber Ray talking to Anonymous Interviewer. He wants to know if Jeff Hardy pissed in Sting’s Corn Flakes. His first match back, and he gets Blubber, the one guy who probably knows him better than anyone else. They’ve made history together, and he’s the guy who can make Jeff’s first match back his last match back. He’s never respected Jeff because rehab is for quitters. Well, then you should respect the hell out of Jeff, Blubber, because he’s never gone!

In yet another backstage area, we see Garrett Bischoff, who is shirtless for some reason. He says for the last 18 months, he’s done everything his dad’s told him to do, and he’s been brainwashed. This leads to a highlight video showing all of Junior Bischoff’s questionable calls during the time he’s been in TNA. He says he’s always idolized his dad, but he doesn’t want to do that anymore. I’m going to take a wild guess that Garrett Bischoff will be making his in-ring debut soon.

Back in the Impact Zone, Eric Bischoff makes his way to the ring. He appears to have a goiter on his neck. Wonder if he used to take Mahatma Ghandi’s bald head, dip it in oil and rub it all over his body? Bischoff gets a microphone and tells the crowd to shut up. He has some important family business to take care of. He’s always tried to keep his personal and business lives separate, but his first-born son has decided to make that way more complicated than it needed to be. He tells Garrett to get his ass down here for a father/son chat.

Garrett Bischoff makes his way down to the ring. Eric says that, since Garrett took it upon himself to embarrass his dad on television by punching him between the “frickin’ eyes”, he’s willing to forgive that. His future is right in front of him. He raised Garrett to follow in his footsteps. He did not waste perfectly good semen on someone to fail him when he needed them the most. He allowed Garrett to learn the business from the inside-out from when he was 4 and Eric took him inside the AWA television studio. He’s learned more about the business by accident than most people who study it. Garrett rolls his eyes and head at this. Eric gave him that opportunity because he knew some day he could depend on Garrett, and Garrett could do the right thing. Garrett let him down, embarrassed him, and embarrassed the entire Bischoff family for generations back. Eric says he could kick Garrett’s ass right now, but he’s not going to do that quite yet. He’s going to give Garrett what he normally doesn’t give anyone. Garrett says this is not the way he wants this to go down. Eric doesn’t give a damn, “you selfish little prick”. He’s going to give Garrett the next 30-45 minutes to make a decision: he’s either going to apologize to his dad, or dad’s going to kick his ass. Garrett kind of looks like he belongs in “West Side Story” or “The Outsiders”.

Backstage, Ric Flair is yelling at Anonymous Interviewer. He says that’s not what he calls respect. Garrett is an ungrateful punk kid living in his father’s shadow. He’s going to go find that kid right now and talk to that kid about respect. If Eric doesn’t smack Garrett around, he will. You’re going to go find that kid, Ric? How about, oh, I don’t know, looking in the ring where he was just standing 5 seconds ago?

Back from commercial, Flair has found Garrett. He tells Garrett to address him by his name “Gawd”. When he first learned Garrett wanted in the business, he got excited. It’s a business that needs young men, not disrespectful punks like him. Flair says Garrett is not big enough, man enough or big enough balls to be where his father’s already been. Punks are being broken into the business every day. Flair says Eric needs to kick Garrett’s ass in front of everyone. He’s sick of whining, crying punks like him, as the business is full of them. Flair says he may go out there with Eric to kick Garrett’s ass as well. Garrett better think really hard, because he’s going to have to deal with Er-Ric. He then shoves Garrett a bunch of times before calling him a “f*cking punk”. Holy hell, Ric Flair spits a lot when he talks. I’ve always known this, but it was really on display here.

We then move onto a Jeff Hardy highlight video, including a clip of him with his daughter, who is wearing a baby’s Ed Hardy t-shirt. That poor child. Just when I thought I couldn’t hate Jeff Hardy any more than I already do…

AAA Mega Champion Jeff Jarrett makes his way down to the ring. He grabs a microphone. He tells producer Keith Mitchell he forgot one piece of footage in that video package, that being what happened with Victory Road. He says let’s see the footage of when Jeff Hardy main evented Turning Point 2006. You know why we can’t air it? Because it doesn’t exist because the no-good son-of-a-bitch didn’t show up.

Jeff Hardy’s music hits as he makes his way to the ring. Jeff Hardy: Role model for junkies everywhere. They go to brawl, but security and Earl Hebner immediately break things up. From behind, Blubber Ray attacks Jeff and knocks him down. This leads to the next match as Blubber pulls his wallet chain off.

MATCH 4: Jeff Hardy vs. Bully Ray
Ray starts off with some stomps as the bell rings. Ray with a punch. Ray with a chop to the chest in the corner. Another punch. Commercial.

Yes, I have pre-ordered the collector’s edition of “Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception”, and yes, it will be amazing.

Back from the break, Hardy goes for a cross body. Ray catches him and throws him, but Hardy lands on his feet behind Ray before hitting a reverse enziguri. Ray stumbles back into the corner. Hardy with some shots. Ray reverses a corner whip. Hardy gets the elbow up and hits Whisper in the Wind. Hardy goes for the Twist of Fate, but Ray shoves him off into the ropes and hits a big boot off the rebound. Ray with a Trapezius claw now. Hardy tries to fight out with elbows, but Ray pulls him down to the mat by the hair. Ray with a bodyslam and an elbow drop for 2. Ray slams Hardy’s head into the corner, followed by a corner whip and an avalanche for another 2. Ray with a crossface shot. As this match is going on, we see a Twitter feed from Impact Wrestling, asking fans their favorite Jeff Hardy match. Of course, none of the responses shown will mention any of his WWE matches, despite the fact that all of his best work was there. Ray with more crossface shots. He misses an elbow, and Hardy comes back with punches. Ray gets a knee up and an open-hand chop in the corner. Ray goes for another corner charge, but Hardy gets the feet up. He follows with a clothesline and a middle rope legdrop for 2. Ray comes back with a back body drop off the ropes, but misses a splash. Hardy hits the Twist of Fate, follows that with the Swanton Bomb, and gets the 3.

WINNER: Jeff Hardy. Well, Hardy didn’t botch anything, but there was no flow to this match at all. You would think two guys who have worked together close to 1000 times could put on a better show. Oh, wait. One of those guys is the Jeff Hardy of today. Never mind.

After the match, Christy Hemme comes down for an interview. She welcomes him back to Impact Wrestling. Jeff says he’s off to a good start and would like to welcome everyone back into his life. Jeff Jarrett comes in from behind with a shot to the back. He throws Jeff back in the ring, where he runs into a clothesline from Blubber’s wallet chain. Jeff Jarrett slides a table in the ring as they appear to be setting up for a middle rope superbomb through the table. Just then, Mr. Anderson’s music hits. He runs to the ring and chases Jarrett and Ray off.

Backstage, Bobby Roode says he’s got a ton of things going through his mind. His partner’s World Champion, and now he gets another opportunity to become champion. Tonight, he has Samoa Joe, who he is ready for.

MATCH 5-Winner becomes the #1 contender for the World Championship: Samoa Joe vs. Bobby Roode
Wow. We’re getting the main event with 20 minutes left in the show? Could it be we’ll actually get a reasonably-long main event? Bobby Roode has new music of his own as well and…well, it sounds like a combination of Storm’s new music and Mickie James’. Can TNA do an original theme song at all? For L. Ron Hubbard’s sake, Karen and Jeff Jarrett have the exact same theme, only the beat has been slowed down for Karen’s. This main event is brought to you by 5-Hour Energy because main events need sponsors. 5-Hour Energy: We have some of the stupidest commercials on television right now; how could we NOT be associated with TNA? Tie-up to start as Joe backs Roode into the corner. Joe with some punches that send Roode to the mat. Roode comes back with his own corner punches and kicks. Joe reverses a corner whip, but Roode comes back with a clothesline and a neckbreaker for 2. Glad to see Roode’s got less cheap-looking gear on tonight. Roode with a corner whip, but Joe gets his elbow up. He goes for a clothesline, but Roode turns it into the Bowflex. Joe immediately breaks this by sliding to the floor. Joe pulls Roode to the floor and rams him back-first into the apron, followed by a knife-edge to the chest. Joe throws Roode back in, but Roode comes back with punches and a chop. He bounces off the ropes, but runs right into a powerslam for 2. Joe with an inverted atomic drop, big boot and running senton for 2. Joe goes into a reverse chinlock, which he then turns into a modified dragon sleeper. Roode fights out with elbows, but runs right into a forearm shot. Joe goes back to the reverse chinlock. Roode fights out again, but Joe comes back with a punch and an inverted atomic drop. Roode in turn hits the “Double R” spinebuster. Trading shots now, with Roode getting the better. Joe comes back with some slaps. Roode comes back with a flying forearm and a clothesline. Roode boots off a corner charge and hits the blockbuster from the middle rope for 2. Roode goes for the Payoff, but Joe reverses into a Death Valley driver for 2. Joe sets up for the Muscle Buster, but Roode fights out and locks on the Bowflex. Joe reverses into a pin for 2. Joe hits an over-the-shoulder gutbuster, but Roode is selling a knee injury instead. Taz called the move a “kneebreaker”, despite the fact that it was clearly not. Joe picks Roode up, but Roode boots him off into the corner. Joe walks right into the Payoff out of the corner as Roode gets 3.

WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: Bobby Roode. I really truly believed Joe would win this match. I am totally not lying. Anyway, this was a good match, even though they only gave the match 10 minutes. That means Bischoff/Bischoff will eat up ANOTHER 10 minutes of time tonight. Haven’t these two already had enough TV time wasted on them tonight. Considering Joe is likely to not resign his TNA contract when it runs out and the losing streak, I’d say it’s guaranteed he’s either ROH or WWE bound soon.

Eric Bischoff is backstage with Anonymous Interviewer. He says he’s looking forward to this crap with his son. We’re going to see what tough love is all about.

Eric Bischoff once again makes his way down to the ring. Eric says it’s kind of embarrassing to have his private life play out on national television, but the great thing is families can put things behind them and move on, which is what he’s hoping he and his son can do. He calls Garrett to come down and say what he has to say. Eric tells Garrett that, before Garrett apologizes, he has something to get off his chest. He knows there’s always two sides of every coin, and he forgives Garrett. He knows what it’s like to be young and dumb, let things get to you and cloud your judgment. He tells Garrett to tell the world he’s sorry, and everything will go back to the way it was. Garrett just looks out into the crowd. “Kick his ass” chant. Eric tells Garrett he’s pushing him to the point he may not be able to forgive, so friggin’ apologize now and do as he says. Garrett shakes his head “no”. Eric slaps him upside the head repeatedly. Garrett grabs Eric by the collar and acts like he’s going to punch him. Flair comes down to break it up. He tells Garrett he needs to get his act together, and Ric Flair don’t take it easy. Garrett is going to apologize now. He pushes Garrett and tells him to apologize and kiss his ass. Flair pushes him again. Flair says he’s really going to mess him up. Flair takes his coat off and pushes Garrett. Garrett punches him in the face and rips his shirt off. Flair and Eric each give him a low blow. Flair stomps him and drops a knee to the junk. He backs Garrett in the corner and hits some chops and punches. Another kick to the junk. He holds Garrett up and slaps him in the chest a few times before going back to the stomps. Flair gets on a microphone and tells someone, “Kiss my ass, fatso!” Flair has no business calling anyone fat at this point. How much you want to bet the main event of Turning Point will be Flair/Eric vs. Garrett/Hogan?

End of show.

The main event was good, but too short. Is TNA allergic to giving us longer matches? You telling me they couldn’t have combined the Bischoff segments together and given Roode & Joe another 5-10 minutes?

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 09-29-11 – Hulk Hogan Retires?

September 30, 2011 By: Category: Videos, WWE | Pro Wrestling

Hulk Hogan TNAWelcome to the 9/29/11 edition of TNA Impact Wrestling. Since I already know what happens tonight (and if you follow the site regularly, you do as well), I’m really trying to get through this without losing my cool. It’s just that, it’s Hulk Hogan, the biggest bullsh**/con artist mainstream pro wrestling has ever seen. Everything the man does just pisses me right off, and tonight won’t be an exception.

Show starts with a video recapping the Kurt Angle/Bobby Roode and A.J. Styles/Christopher Daniels feuds.

In the Impact Zone, we start off with-you guessed it-Sting. You know, I’m kind of surprised that, since WWE starts damn near every show off with Triple H now, TNA doesn’t just go with Hogan every time. Anyway, Sting’s wearing the Hogan shirt again. He talks about verbally putting over Angle a few months ago, but how Angle is now brainwashed by Hogan. Angle’s going down a road of lies and deceit, and Angle has booked Styles/Roode tonight as well. Sting says Angle’s plan will backfire, and he’ll tell us why. He then asks Bobby Roode to come to the ring.

Robert Roode comes out as some tool in the front row who is about the size of my wrist is flexing what he’s passing off as a bicep. Roode gets a microphone. The crowd is chanting for him. Sting praises Roode and is proud of him. He believes Roode can beat Angle for the title at Bound for Glory. Sting knows Roode can do it. He’s fought for 13 years to get to this point, and Sting believes he’s looking at a championship-caliber wrestler, but Roode can’t let Angle get into his head. He needs Roode to tell the people how he’s focused on winning the belt at BFG and how he’s going to beat Angle.

Roode talks about how overwhelming it is that he’s gotten so much support from the fans, the wrestlers, and Sting himself. Roode says he knows what Angle is trying to do, and he also knows that his opportunity at BFG isn’t one that comes along every day. He’s promising everyone that he’s walking out as the new World Champion. This gets a “Next World Champ” chant. Roode wants Sting to promise him he’s going to take care of Hogan, and if they take care of Hogan and Angle, they will get TNA back to where it belongs.

A.J. Styles’ music hits, and he makes his way to the ring. Styles tells Roode to take this opportunity and make the best of it. Styles reminds us that he hasn’t had a title match in ages, and he wants Roode to beat Angle, because unless you’re friends with the right people, brother, who knows when you’ll get another shot.

Kurt Angle makes his way onto the stage. Angle tells Styles that if he beats Roode tonight, he’ll get the next title match after BFG. He tells Sting Dixie Carter made him look like a jackass, and she’ll never run the company again. And…that’s it? What was the point of Angle coming out here and doing nothing except stating the obvious?

Backstage, we see Hogan make his way into the Impact Zone.

Back to the show, Austin Aries is on commentary for the next match.

MATCH 1-5-Way X-Division Ladder Match, with the winner becoming the #1 contender to the World X-Division title at BFG : Zema Ion vs. Kid Kash vs. Alex Shelley vs. Jesse Sorensen
Kash and Sorensen are brawling in the ring as Kendrick and Ion brawl on the outside. Shelley is in the corner. Sorensen throws Kash to the floor. Shelley with a baseball slide to Ion. Shelley grabs a ladder, but Sorensen baseball slides it into him. Kash hits Kendrick in the gut with a chair and brings in the ladder. Kash with a DDT on Sorensen onto the ladder. Kash props the ladder up, but Kendrick hits a dropkick on Kash. Kendrick goes up, but Ion pulls him down. Ion’s climbing up now, but Shelley pulls him down and hits a reverse STO into the ladder. Ion and Shelley trade forearms, but Ion catches a jawbreaker. Ion goes to the corner and hits an Asai moonsault onto Kendrick on the floor. Kash eats a superkick from Shelley. Shelley goes up top, but Ion dropkicks Shelley off the ladder from the top rope. Kash kicks Ion and throws the ladder into the corner. Ion and Kash play tug-of-war with the ladder, but Kash sends it into the corner. Kash with some knife edge chops. He charges at Ion, but gets hip tossed into the ladder. Ion goes for a suplex on Sorensen, but he reverses and hits a weird neckbreaker into the ladder. Sorensen gets the ladder set up and begins to climb, but Kash throws a chair at him and then powerbombs him off the ladder. Kash climbs up, but Kendrick pulls him off and climbs up. Shelley up now as well, but Kendrick knocks him down. Kendrick grabs the contract.

WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: Brian Kendrick. Kendrick signs the contract immediately. This match was far too rushed. They needed at least 5-10 more minutes to make this match more worthwhile.

Backstage, Kazarian is talking about tonight’s Roode/Styles match and how they’re both his friends. During the interview, Mr. and Mrs. Diet Shasta Orange (the Jarretts) confront him. Jeff says he has something to say to Kaz and to get his ass to the ring right now. Karen tells Kaz he should have never messed with her.

We see Hogan walking around backstage.

In another backstage area, Ric Flair is yelling at someone on a cellphone. He tells the person on the other end to stay put and that he’s on his way.

Back in the Impact Zone, AAA Mega Champion Jeff Jarrett and his horse-faced wife make their way to the ring. Jeff calls Kaz out and tells him to bring his “skanky old lady” with him. The pot and the kettle, Jeff. Kaz and Traci Brooks make their way out. Karen’s nonsensically laughing. Jeff formally introduces himself and his wife to Kaz and Traci. He hand-picked Kaz off the indy circuit to get a shot in TNA, and reminds Kaz of when he jumped ship to the WWE, found out things weren’t so great and came crawling back. He says he gave Kaz his release when he begged for it, but then gave him his job back 3 days later when he begged for it. He calls Traci a skank and says he’s the only one in the business who ever gave her a shot, and she repaid him by insulting his wife. Jeff calls Traci and Kaz ungrateful bastards. Kaz shoves Jeff. Referees, Pat Kenney and D-Lo Brown enter the ring and keep everyone separated. Jeff says he should fire both of them right now, but instead will make their lives miserable starting tonight. Jeff calls Traci a “10-cent whore”, which causes Kaz to charge at him. The referees once again pull them apart. This causes the indy security guys to come into the fray as well. Now Gunner comes in. He grabs Kaz and hits him with a very botched Mr. Pibb. Gunner continues to stomp Kaz as the refs try to keep him off.

We get a recap of Ink Inc. attacking Mexican America at a “tattoo shop” last week.

MATCH 2: Jesse Neal (w/Shannon Moore) vs. Hernandez (w/Anarquia, Rosita and Sarita)
Before the match starts, All four members of Mexican America come down to the ring and attack Ink Inc. from behind. Hernandez and Anarquia are beating the hell out of Ink Inc. Hernandez throws Neal into the steps before Sarita begins kicking him. I the ring, Anarquia botches a side slam on Moore before Hernandez comes off the top with a nice splash. Anarquia hits Neal with a back suplex, followed by Hernandez with another nice splash. Man, he can get some height on those splashes. They spray paint the backs of Ink Inc. with red and green spray paint.

WINNER: No contest, as the match never actually started.

Backstage, Anonymous Interviewer asks Blubber Ray if he knows what Hogan’s announcement is. Blubber Ray says of course he knows what it is, and he was the first one Hogan called when he decided he had announcement to make. He then tells the interviewer to get out before he smacks him in the face.

Bleu cheese does not belong on a hamburger or anywhere else for that matter. Just saying.

Backstage, James Storm is telling the cameraman that no, he’s not bitter or jealous of Bobby Roode. He’s happy Roode won the series, and that they went in saying one of them had to win that series. He’s happy because he sees it as part of him being in there with Angle at BFG when Roode wins the match, and that it “pays to be Roode”. Get it?

In Hogan’s office, Flair is yelling at him. He needs to rethink his announcement, as Hogan is everything that wrestling is. Hogan says he’s still doing it. Flair says this is not acceptable or a good decision. He says Hogan can’t do this, and he’s taking this too lightly. He tells Hogan he still has time to change his mind.

We get a video package for the history between Tara and Madison Rayne. Great.

Crimson just entered the Impact Zone.

MATCH 3-“Queen’s Qualifier”: Madison Rayne vs. Tara
Rayne is trying to flirt with referee Earl Hebner as Tara makes her way to the ring. I’m very disappointed in Maddy. I thought we had something special. I got her a brand new oat bag and everything. Tara backs Rayne into the corner. Hebner calls for the break. Rayne continues to try to flirt. She points at Tara, who just grabs Rayne’s finger and twists it. Tara with a shoulder block and a hip throw into a side headlock. Rayne slaps Hebner to try to get him to break the hold. Back up, Tara’s still holding onto the headlock. Hebner thinks it’s Tara that keeps hitting him, not Rayne. Tara goes for a shot, but Hebner blocks it, allowing Rayne to knock Tara down. Rayne with a foot choke in the corner. The ref-flirting continues. Rayne with a hip bump in the corner and that swinging facebuster off the ropes most female wrestlers do. Rayne locks in the Taco Twister before flirting with Earl again. She goes for a kick, but Tara catches the foot and picks Rayne up with a double-choke. Rayne kicks Hebner from this position, and he finally smartens up to what’s going on. He tells Tara to “get her” before turning his back on the match. Tara with some shots and a clothesline off an Irish whip. Tara hits a snap suplex and then hits Rayne with a tree slam. Tara goes for the Widow’s Peak, but Rayne reverses into a pin with her feet on the ropes. Once again, Hebner somehow misses this (despite the fact that Rayne’s legs are way up in the air and on the second rope) and counts the 3.

WINNER: Madison Rayne.

Crimson is heading to the ring. Apparently, he will be doing an interview after the commercial.

You know what? Screw Battlefield and Call of Duty. Yeah, I said it.

We see Christopher Daniels leaving the Impact Zone. Daniels says there’s nothing left to see tonight, so he’s leaving. Anonymous Interviewer asks him if he knows about a possible rematch with Styles at BFG. Daniels says that beating Styles again would just be a big kick in the nuts, and the interviewer can ask Styles all about that.

As Crimson makes his way to the ring, we see the video of Samoa Joe wrecking Crimson’s leg a few weeks ago. Crimson tells us Joe fractured his ankle and took him out of the BFG series, but damn sure didn’t take him out for good. He tells Joe to get his ass out here so they can finally settle this. Joe comes out, but stops on the stage. He’s got a mic. He’s insulted that Crimson would call him out, and that Crimson should consider himself lucky that he allowed Crimson to walk, that he’s not in a hospital bed, and that he is out here to continue his farce of an undefeated streak. Joe said the only reason he allowed all of this to happen is because, without Crimson in TNA (Gasp! He called it TNA!), who else is going to be his bitch? Crimson responds by spearing Joe on the ramp, punching him a bunch of times and throwing him into the guardrail. Crimson continues the beat down with punches, kicks and knees. Joe catches Crimson’s foot off a kick and slams it into the guardrail. Apparently, that was his bad leg. Joe then botches a low blow before throwing Crimson into the ring. Joe stomps on Crimson’s leg a bunch of times before putting on a sloppy figure-4 that Taz calls a “heel hook”. How do you botch a low blow or a heel hook? Matt Morgan makes his way down to the ring and punches Joe a few times. He goes for the Carbon Footprint, but Joe jumps out of the ring and begins backing up the entrance ramp. Morgan makes his way back to the ring and stares Crimson down before offering to help Crimson to his feet. Crimson accepts. Morgan stares some more and then pats Crimson on the chest. I’m guessing they’re going to form a tag team now?

Styles tells the cameraman he’s going to get Bobby Roode ready for Angle tonight in their match. He’s not going to cut Roode any slack.

MATCH 4: D’Angelo Dinero vs. Mr. Anderson
In less than 2 years, Anderson has done more heel/face turns than I think anyone in history. It’s beyond ridiculous how often this company flips its wrestlers, and amazing that anyone can even keep track. Anderson does the stupid microphone bit, and makes it’s exceptionally long tonight. I hate him so much. I wonder how much money TNA spends to make fake money for D’Angelo Dinero? I just blew your mind, didn’t I? I knew it. Anyway, they start with a tie-up. Anderson turns it into an arm wringer. Pope reverses into an arm wringer, turns it into a hammerlock, then into a hip throw into a side headlock. Anderson reverses into a headscissors. Anderson with a side headlock now. Pope with a shoulder block after a series of criss-crosses. They each miss some kicks until Anderson catches a jumping roundhouse for 2. Anderson goes for a bodyslam, but Pope slides out and hits a palm thrust to the face, sending Anderson to the floor. Pope goes to slam Anderson into the ring apron, but Anderson reverses and slams Pope instead. Pope comes back and goes for an Irish whip into the guardrail, but Anderson reverses. Pope stops short of the rail, but turns around into a clothesline. Anderson accidentally backs into Devon’s kids (who are in their corner, as usual), and they shove him away. Earl Hebner gets between them and orders Anderson back in the ring. Cue Devon. He comes out and yells at his kids. Pope tries to calm him down, but Devon’s yelling at Pope now. As this is going on, Blubber Ray comes in and cracks Anderson on the back with a kendo stick. Pope comes back in the ring and easily gets the 3.

WINNER: D’Angelo Dinero. To much extraneous crap going on in this match to make it mean anything.

In the locker room, Bobby Roode says he’s thinking about the World title, but also about A.J. Styles. He’s told Styles to bring his A-game tonight. Styles has beaten Angle in the past, so Roode knows if he can beat Styles tonight, he can beat Angle at the PPV. Nothing and no one will stop him from achieving his dream.

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Styles/Roode is up next.

In the back, Devon is yelling at both his kids, and Pope as well. Apparently, he’s training his sons to be wrestlers. He says now is not the time for them to be getting involved, and he calls the shots around here. He asks Pope to please not let this happen again.

We get a Bobby Roode highlight video, featuring footage of him training for his match and an interviews with his wife and sister. Why do I get the feeling that, with as much as Roode is being pushed as the next champion here, he’s just going to wind up doing the job for Angle anyway?

MATCH 5: A.J. Styles vs. Bobby Roode
Roode once again has black crap on his chest. I can’t tell if it’s a bruise or if he just isn’t applying his pro-tan properly. I’m thinking it’s the latter. Not really sure why I care, but I always notice stuff like that. Man, Roode has some generic gear on. They start off with a series of reversals until Styles gets in the side headlock. Roode reverses into an arm bar. Several more reversals lead back to the headlock by Styles. Hip throw by Styles into a headlock on the mat. Roode gets in a head scissors. Styles gets out and goes back to the hip throw/headlock combo. Roode with a snap mare out of the corner. He misses a running flip, and Styles goes back to the headlock. Roode goes for a back suplex, but Styles flips out and…goes back to the headlock. Couple of reversals off the ropes and a couple of misses, eventually leading to a dropkick by Styles for 2. Styles with a rear chinlock now that he turns into…another headlock. Come on, Styles. You’re better than this. Series of hip toss reversals leads to Styles on the apron. He goes for a springboard, but Roode catches him with a gutbuster for 2. Roode is limping now from the gutbuster. Roode hits the Val Venis knee, but off a second attempt, Styles knocks Roode to the floor. I guess Roode is selling a knee injury here, as he’s still limping. Styles tries a suplex from the apron in, but Roode fights out. Styles with a baseball slide to Roode’s bad leg, followed by a drop toehold and an inverted STF. Roode manages to break Styles’ hands apart, breaking the hold. Roode with some shots to the gut, but Styles comes back with kicks to the leg. They trade some shots. Styles with a jumping enziguri. Styles goes for a clothesline, but Roode catches a spinning uranage for 2. Roode gets Styles up on the top rope and goes for a superplex, but his knee hurts too much. Styles with some punches, but Roode forearms Styles down to the apron. Styles comes back with a forearm before hitting the Superman for 2. Styles with a backbreaker, and he goes to the apron. Styles goes for a springboard 450, but Roode rolls out of the way, sending Styles face-first to the mat. Roode goes for the spinebuster, but Styles rolls out and goes for the Styles Clash. Roode reverses, but Styles reverses into a pin. He immediately turns that into another Clash attempt, but Roode gets out. Roode goes for a clothesline, but Styles ducks and goes for Pele. Roode side-steps it and locks in the Bowflex. Styles taps out.

WINNER: Bobby Roode. Good match, but again, it felt extremely rushed. You telling me they couldn’t have left off the tag team non-match to give these guys another 10 minutes? Bollocks, I say. After the match, Styles and Roode congratulate each other. Styles tells Roode he’s ready.

Up next, Hogan’s “shocking” announcement.

Backstage, Styles congratulates Roode again. He says he had doubts about Roode before, but not anymore. He continues to compliment Roode, while Roode keeps saying he’s ready. Styles calls him the next World champ, and wants the first shot at the belt. Roode agrees.

And now, the moment none of you have been waiting for. Hogan makes his way to the ring to the not-nWo theme, and is very noticeably limping here. Hogan says that he feels like a million pounds has been lifted off his shoulders. He’s done some soul-searching the last few months, and as he did that, he realized that the run of Hulk Hogan has been the best run of “all times”. He started thinking about the wrestlers, the business and the fans, and says that the first day he trained, Hiro Matsuda broke his leg to teach him a lesson. He then talks about his early career and that he got lucky and got a big break. He lists off a bunch of accomplishments. He says he thought Hulkamania could go on forever. He had a chance to come to TNA to make a difference, and when he came here, he saw nothing but hungry eyes. I feel the magic between you and I, too, Hogan. He says that, as he sees everything go one here, that everything he’s ever done was worth it, and that he gave TNA his soul, life and blood. He says he gave everything he could to help Impact Wrestling. Cut to Sting backstage. He asks if he’s the only one seeing this, and that when he first saw Hogan in Suburban Commando, he knew how great of an actor Hogan was, but this is amazing. He’d give Hogan the Academy Award right now, he’s that good. Cut back to Hogan. He says he’s made the decision that enough is enough, and this is the end of the road for him. When he made the decision, he wanted to tell the fans first, and he hasn’t even told his wife yet. I’d say she probably knows because she’s watching this, but we know she’s probably watching Jersey Shore or something else right now. He starts talking about everything falling apart, including his family and his physical well-being. The only thing that’s been with him since day one has been the fans, and now matter how bad it got, he knew the fans were there. After he lost everything, all the guys in the back were there for him. So, he’s made the decision that it’s all over, and there’s nothing left for him to do. Sting is in the back laughing. Next week in Knoxville, TN, Hogan is inviting everyone to be there to have a celebration, and he’ll have a formal announcement. That will be the last time in this ring. They just cut to a goofy-looking woman crying. I can’t believe anyone is buying this. People, his eyes aren’t red from crying, as those tears are non-existent. No, they’re red because Hogan is frigging lit right now. Cut back to Sting. Sting says he’ll be in Knoxville next week to celebrate with the Hulkster.

End of show.

Roode/Styles was okay, but it was too short and they tried to cram too much into too small of a time frame. Ladder match was messy, and the knockouts match sucked in every way you could imagine.


As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Gerri Davis Banner, NPC National Level Heavyweight and Masters Female Bodybuilder

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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Where Did Pro Wrestling Go?

August 25, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Kevin Nash RAWIs pro wrestling coming back? An even better question is: where did it even go? Did it go anywhere after all? The stigma that sticks upon professional wrestling is a rotten and odorous parasite that ceases to give up life. Wrestling it seems from the outset was doomed.

Doomed to be the bastard child of the entertainment industry and complete blacklister of the entertainment realm. As much as wrestling gets big every so often, at the end of the day the non-wrestling fans fart at it. They see the glitz and the pageantry that accompanies this medium that they totally ignore the incredible feats of athleticism happening inside the ropes. With the recent direction that WWE has gone, the inarguable leader of the industry, it seems that wrestling is quite slowly progressing. For some they may scoff and go “Bah, this wrestling stuff again?!” but to me it’s been an art that has transcended generations and tragedies.

For me wrestling’s always been a part of my life. From the beginning of my memories as a child, wrestling was a big part of those. The days of being 8 and ravaging Mankind action figures with our aluminum baseball bats. How we’d just squeal in immature glee as the plastic appendages flew every which way. Of course now we all look stupid, seeing the same figures sold for hundreds of dollars. Even memories of sneaking in the backyard of the neighbor’s house to read WWF Magazine’s Swimsuit issues with Sunny and Sable (oh the 90‘s..).

All in all, immature or not it’s been my life. So to see it go through the roller coaster it has endured in the decades prior I have grown a sense of pride in being a wrestling fan. After years of trying to quell my passion, I’ve finally decided to embrace it and try and utilize it. That is this article. This is my ranting, raving, bitching, analyzing, mocking and most importantly OPINION on the wrestling business. You’re going to hate some of the things I write I’m sure and I hope that if you do you email me with honest debate. I welcome it like I welcome a frosty Modelo on practically any occasion. Wrestletalk is just one of the few of my favorite things.

Today’s wrestling landscape is both bittersweet and incredibly exciting. Everyday it seems a new star emerges from the internet independent wrestling realm to make all of us wrestling fans think about what could be. Also however, a star of the present is pushed downward on the card in favor of perhaps a more redundant and bland name. As the years have gone by I’ve sadly comprehended this fiendish practice of doing business in wrestling, simply “it is what it is” as a lot of the personalities say. For the wrestler, it’s about drawing money even if it means tarnishing your own personal image in the process. Countless times this has occurred and almost every situation finds the subject in a big money angle. Wrestling is the art of perception but also the art of deception. This to me is the biggest lost art, guys today don’t try and deceive. To many they have the belief that the business has already been exposed so much, why fight the trend? As logical as that may seem, to me it’s a challenge. A challenge in my mind WWE has taken into account.

Kevin Nash’s appearance at SummerSlam 2011 and the subsequent RAW the next night is a prime example of this. In just 5 seconds, the art of deception returned in mainstream wrestling. As much as TNA has tried for years to pull of the successful worked shoot, WWE did two in two months. Undoubtedly, the CM Punk/ John Cena story line leading into SummerSlam is easily the most compelling wrestling TV of the year hands down however Nash’s attack on Punk has potential to rival that piece of business. I give the haters this much, Kevin Nash IS old news. The last time Kevin Nash was booked as a credible, big money main eventer was 2003 however we’ve seen WWE make stars out of the most unlikely of individuals (Ultimate Warrior anyone?). For me it’s a great mix of everything, a strong technical worker to carry the work rate in Punk, two amazing mic men and a story that is easy to relate to. Punk notices that his employer and his friends are beginning to do shady things to him and he doesn’t like it therefore he retaliates. It’s simple good against bad, but done in a modern way. I’m a fan and yes, I do admit that tomorrow WWE could completely shit all over this idea but until then, I remain interested and watching.

As for TNA, I threw in the towel. I know, I know the age old wrestling credo of never say never but to me this is a lost cause product. Weekly it shifts from one extreme to the next, a guy turning good or bad seemingly at the drop of a dime and finishes to matches that just completely water down any strong story that led up to it. From Jeff Jarrett blatantly making fun of Mexicans to Sting walking around doing his worst Heath Ledger impression, it’s like National Lampoon’s Wrestling Company.

The idea of Hogan lending credibility to TNA died when his divorce became ugly and embarrassing for him, leaving him to have to wrestle at an age that he should be living high on the horse. I don’t even want to go into Ric Flair and his issues also, to me TNA has become wrestling’s Celebrity Rehab. Jeff Hardy, the guy that was Mr. TNA of 2010 to me began this strong and disturbing slide into the abyss of wrestling lore. Of course, I refer to the well known public intoxication at Victory Road back in March when Sting literally had to shoot hold Jeff down to beat him. For me, that was the start of me getting a bad taste in my mouth from TNA. From there on it’s just seemed to get worse and worse. Don’t get me wrong, the X Division has risen from obscurity and really done well lately, that to me it the biggest plus I can say about TNA. Their tag division, albeit full of teams, left a bit dormant with the Bound For Glory Series pretty much raiding all of he mid card angles and pushes.

I commend TNA for trying but really, to me it’s a lost cause. I hate dogging TNA when so many of my favorite guys work there from the Machine Guns to Samoa Joe and AJ Styles but I can’t ignore it. So simply, instead of spend a whole article talking shit on TNA, instead a fraction…sue me, I’d rather just be blissfully ignorant to the going ons of Total Nonstop Action Wrestling.

Follow George at – http://wrestletribune.blogspot.com & on Twitter @WrestleConsent.

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 07-28-11 – Ten More Days

July 28, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Kurt Angle vs. Ken Anderson Steel Cage MatchWelcome to the 7-28 edition of the TNA Impact Wrestling recap. My last column created quite a stir. As some of you may know, my comments about Madison Rayne and her retaliation were picked up by several respected wrestling websites and writers.

Needless to say, the writers and sites all seemed to universally be behind me in what I call “RayneStorm 2011″ (Like I said on Twitter, “MadTV” fans will understand the reference). One comment in particular seemed to strike a cord with Madison Rayne’s fans (all ten of them), and that was me calling her an atrocious human being two weeks ago. Now, that comment was more sarcastic than anything else. I realize she’s playing a character on TV and there’s probably some differences between her character and who she is in real life (although I’d still be willing to bet she’s not very pleasant; she did call me a d*ckhead and accused me of being jobless, after all). So, having said that, let me clarify what I said two weeks ago and say that she is not an atrocious human being (that I know of, anyway), but rather an atrocious TV personality and wrestler.

There. Everyone good now? Fantastic, then. Oh, and in regards to making fun of her all the time, out of respect for Camel Clutch Blog, I will dial it back just a tad and be more selective with the shots I fire out. I just hope she does the same and gives me a lack of ammunition.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, on with the show.

We start off with Kirk Angel (your check’s in the mail, Jericho) walking to the ring as Mike Tenay plays “Captain Obvious”. Angle calls out Mr. Linda Hogan, who is looking more scrawny and saggy than ever (scrawny compared to days gone by, anyway). Oh, and he’s very obviously limping. Apparently, Hogan’s been blowing up Angle’s phone for three days with some kind of offer. Angle says Immortal doesn’t impress him, and that it’s full of a$% kissers and scumbags. Angle continues to swear he’s never beaten Sting despite doing it at least twice, and says he’ll win the world title at Hardcore Justice. He asks Hogan if he knows what it’s like to be the best in the world. Hulk Hogan blatantly lies and says “yes”. Hogan talks about carrying wrestling on his barn door back. That’s all well and good, but that was nearly 30 years ago. What’s Hogan done for the business lately? Hogan continues to live in the past and talks about selling out arenas in 1984 when “Angle was still pooping in his diapers”. Angle was around 9 or 10 then, so if he was pooping in diapers, he had a serious problem. Hogan is still rambling about whatever, and gives Angle crap about not accepting Immortal’s offer. Angle says he does respect Hogan, which is why he’s not kicking Hogan’s a$$ at the moment. That, and because Hogan’s crippled.

Angle then begins to talk about Hulkamania back in the day as well, as if Hogan needed further verbal stroking. Hogan tells Angle he’s never wrestling again, and then lists off all the surgeries he’s had. Hogan says if Angle wants to bring up Hogan’s wife and kids (which he apparently did), he’s asking for trouble. He accuses Angle of being handed the gold medals at the 1996 Olympics because of his broken freaking neck (which, BTW, never happened; Angle’s neck was fractured, never broken. If it had been broken, he’d be dead. Look it up). Hogan asks Angle what he’s trying to say, and Angle says if Hogan wants Sting taken out, why doesn’t he do it himself. He challenges Hogan to take on Sting himself. Holy L. Ron Hubbard, this can’t be happening. I don’t want to know what fans wants another Hogan/Sting match 20 years too late.

Backstage, some random tramp hands Eric Bischoff a paper from “The Network”. Since when did Cyrus the Virus start working for TNA?

We see another commercial for the Impact Wrestling fantasy game, which is supposedly one-of-a-kind. Except for, you know, all of the other fantasy wrestling games out there.

MATCH 1-BFG Series match: Gunner vs. Rob Van Dam
Doo doo doo dee doo doo. ROB VAN DAM! Doo doo doo dee doo doo. If you ever wanted to know the lyrics to RVD’s theme, there you go. Anyway, these two are two of the top guys in the BFG series. Gunner starts off with a tackle into the corner and some punches. RVD counters and gets a body scissors into a pin for 2. Gunner telegraphs a back body drop and gets kicked. RVD gets a spin kick, but gets caught a second time and powerslammed into the corner for 2. Another 2 off a back elbow. RVD gets a reverse cross body off the middle for 2, but Gunner gets 2 of his own off a clothesline. Apparently, Gunner’s now a former marine, according to Taz. Okay. RVD gets a top rope thrust kick for 2, but misses the slingshot legdrop to the outside. Back in, and RVD gets hot shotted off a springboard.

Gunner throws him back in for another 2. Gunner with stomps. RVD gets a kick in the corner, a thrust kick from the middle rope and Rolling Thunder. Gunner rolls outside and pulls RVD out, too. Guess he went to the “Cena-Orton School of No-Selling”. Gunner bodyslams RVD on the outside and throws him back in. Gunner climbs back in and gets a Tully Blanchard slingshot suplex for 2, only Tully did it better. RVD elbows out of a corner whip and goes up top, but Gunner gets a powerbomb for 2. RVD with a running spin kick into the corner, but Gunner no-sells again and gets a running knee for 2. Gunner goes for Mr. Pibb, but RVD spinning dropkicks out of it. RVD up with a Five-Star Frog Splash from way across the ring, and this one’s over.

WINNER: Rob Van Dam. Not a bad match, but I’m just not at all impressed with Gunner, nor do I understand why he’s getting pushed so hard. Oh, wait-It’s TNA. I don’t have to understand. Anyway, RVD and Gunner are now tied for 2nd place in the Blades of Glory series at 28 points a piece.

Backstage, we see Sting completing the Joker ensemble with a 3-piece suit, except it’s red instead of purple. Well, since it’s red, I guess it’s completely and utterly original, right? Right? Wrong? What? Okay.

Backstage again, Eric is scolding the members of Immortal, and is reading the letter from “The Network”. Basically, it says that, because of the success of Destination X (all 8,000 buys), they expect Eric to hire even more X-Division wrestlers and showcasing it more. I think they mean more X-Division guys will be hired then ignored. That sounds right to me. Hogan comes in and says he wants Kurt Angle destroyed. Bully Ray volunteers Mr. Anderson to do it. Anderson complains (which will lead to yet another turn by Anderson this year), but then agrees to do it. Bisch begins to read more from the letter, and the Red Scorpion appears, carrying something covered in a black blanket. He puts the something on Bischoff’s desk and talks about his suit, which he is wearing with sneakers. He talks about his great relationship with the Network, and that he is the new network executive for Impact. He says his first line of business is announcing that the Anderson/Angle match will be a cage match, and that Fourtune (which has five guys in it) will be at ringside. Yes, a lumberjack cage match. From the minds that brought us the reverse battle royal. Woot.

Back in the ring, Brian Kendrick is rambling about Austin Aries in jeans and no shoes. Alex Shelley is with him and calls Austin Aries a jackass. Aries makes his way to the ring now. Shelley begins naming off great X-Division wrestlers (and Samoa Joe) and says they built the division, and that Aries could contribute to the division but doesn’t because he cheats. Probably because he’s a heel. Probably. Shelley says Aries needs to play by the rules and calls Aries a douchebag. Aries makes fun of Kendrick for looking stupid, and I’m inclined to agree. Aries lists off everything he did to get his contract, and says that we’re playing by his rules now, and that he has only one rule-winning at all costs. He says he has a lot of five-star matches, and now wants a five-star bank account. Basically he wants to make money, which begs the question of why he’s in the company in the first place. Kendrick begins rambling again. Seriously, there’s no other way to describe his promos. I love the guy as a wrestler, but damn.

Shelley tells Aries to shove his great matches, and that we get a three-way match between them for the X-Division title at Hardcore Justice. All of a sudden, the man who absolutely screams “X-Division”, Abyss, makes his way out. He says that, despite the Network, Hogan and Bischoff call the shots. We know who to blame, Abyss. You don’t have to remind us. He says he gets a rematch for the belt, and will get it tonight. He says he’s taking the belt and killing the X-Division. When did a title belt become lethal?

Sting pops up on the big screen and says that the rematch will happen tonight, and it will be an Ultimate X match. I only see one problem with this, and his name rhymes with “Sub Miss” (Sato). Okay, so they don’t rhyme all that well. Shoot me.

Backstage with Matt Morgan and he’s telling us that he’s torn his right pec, and that he is now out of action due to the injury and out of the BFG series in the process.

We get a recap of Angle beating Jeff Jarrett to become #1 contender to the Battle Dome Championship. Now, we look at BFG matches from house shows. Bobby Roode, Bully Ray, Gunner and James Storm all picked up wins to earn points, as did Scott Steiner. Most of the wins were over Samoa Joe. Crimson is still in 1st place with 31 points. Remember him? No? You’re better off.

Crimson will be taking Blubber Ray on tonight in a series match. Ray is talking about playing “Angry Birds” and that he’s a legend. I’m inclined to agree. I’ve seen those plaques with his name on it at Old Country Buffet, so I know he’s telling the truth. They’re right next to Matt Hardy’s plaques. Ray then talks about A.J. Styles. I guess they have a match at house show in Houston for more points. Ray says he’s going to be Styles, and follows it up by saying “okey-dokey”. Why does he say “okey-dokey”? Because he can. That’s really what he said, and that was his real explanation.

You know, if Axe Body Spray makes women want to molest mannequins, why is it still on the market?

MATCH 2-BFG Series match: Blubber Ray vs. Lance Sackless
Hey, remember that whole storyline of Crimson being Amazing Red’s younger brother? Neither does anyone in the company. Christy Hemme makes a point of telling us all Crimson is undefeated in his entrance announcement. Thanks, Christy. I had forgotten that fact in the last five minutes, despite it being repeated constantly. Ray starts off in the corner with punches and slaps. Why does Bully Ray jump with every move? I guess that’s his cardio for the day. Crimson gets a couple of gut punches in, but Ray’s a tub, so he no-sells it and gets a Mongolian chop. Ray begins attacking Crimson’s right knee, which is braced for some reason. Ray takes the brace off and begins dropping elbows, as if that brace was really doing anything. He pulls Crimson’s knee pad off and starts slapping his knee. Blubber Ray then does JBL’s hand gesture complete with cow moo. Racists stick together. Ray setts up for the Bully Bomb. Crimson elbows out of it, hits Red Sky, and this is over.

WINNER: Crimson. Crimson is still undefeated, despite being completely squashed in this awful, awful match. I just can’t be objective here-this match SUCKED. Crimson gets another 7 points, putting him at 38.

Up next, we get Winter vs. Tara. Apparently, Santa read my wish list this year.

Backstage (How many times do I have to tell you, WRESTLING MATTERS, DAMMIT!), Eric Bischoff is on the phone with someone, trying to get the Network on the phone. That’s about it.

In another part of the backstage area, my #1 fan and bestest friend in the history of ever anything Madison Rayne is walking around, talking about how she’ll be at ringside for this next match. Sting jumps in front of her, still packing around the thing in the blanket. Madison screams. Best. Segment. EVER.

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MATCH 3-Winter (w/Walking Stick) vs. Knockouts Tag Team Co-Champion Tara (w/Miss Tessmacher)
You know, ever since Winter got canned like a tuna from WWE, she appears to be getting more pale by the day. On the plus side, it compliments Angelina Love’s anorexic look very nicely. Tara’s doing the fake lesbian kiss with Tessy now. Great. I do like Tessy’s outfit, though. Earl Hebner ejects both the other knockouts from ringside. In the ring, Tara’s slamming Winter’s head into everything. Roll-up with bridge gets 2. Winter gets out and shoulders Tara in the ring. Tara reverses a corner charge into Tajiri’s Tarantula, but Winter gets out and gets in a hot shot. Tara slams Winter’s head into the turnbuckle, but misses the Arabian facebuster. Winter gets a reverse neck whip in the ropes for 2. Now, she has a double chicken wing on Tara that Tenay incorrectly calls a surfboard. Tara goes for a corner whip, but Winter slides into it and gets a clothesline for 2.Backbreaker by Winter for 2. Winter mounts Tara, which isn’t as exciting as it sounds. They trade punches. Tara with clotheslines, a bodyslam and a botched standing moonsault that Taz calls beautiful. Tara tries for the Widow’s Peak, but slides out of it and gets a big boot. Winter goes for her horrible swinging side slam, but Tara gets out. Somehow, Earl Hebner gets kicked in the process, which allows Winter to hit a low blow. Kind of pointless on a woman, isn’t it? She gets the swinging side slam into a backbreaker, botches it heavily because she’s not strong enough, and gets the win.

WINNER: Winter. I’m disappointed my most favoritest wrestler in the ever Madison Rayne went back on her word and didn’t come out. Gonna have to have a talk with her about honesty. I guess she hasn’t seen any of those great after school specials. She could at least watch an episode of “Full House” or “Family Matters” once in a while. Geez.

MATCH 4-Ultimate X Match for the X-Division Championship: Abyss vs. Brian Kendrick
A friend of mine had a tryout with TNA last year. He told me that Abyss has specially designed boots to make him look much taller than he actually is, and that he’s only around 6 or 6’2″. Random thought for you there. You know, while the concept of the Ultimate X match isn’t bad, why couldn’t someone just grab a ladder and get the X/belt down? It’s a no-rules match, after all. Anyway. Kendrick tries a whip but Abyss reverses. He misses a corner charge and gets a kick and some punches. Abyss misses a boot. Kendrick gets a single-leg dropkick in, but Abyss knocks him down. Abyss actually tries jumping up to grab the belt before trying to climb the corner. Apparently, he’s afraid of heights. That, and I’m not sure the cables will hold him. Kendrick goes for a tornado DDT, but Abyss throws him out of it and catches a big boot. Abyss is trying to figure out how to get the belt. Again, ever think of a ladder? Abyss is now trying to tear the Ultimate X structure down. Kendrick knocks him down with a suicide dive and gets in some kicks on the outside. Kendrick catches the tornado DDT in the ring the second time, now he’s climbing up. Kendrick shimmies towards the belt, but Abyss pulls him down, followed by another clothesline.

God, Abyss has put on weight since the early TNA days. Guess there are no gyms in his little corner of Parts Unknown. Abyss misses a corner charge, and Kendrick counters with Sliced Bread #2. He climbs up and shimmies towards the belt again. He nearly gets it, but Abyss pulls him back down and gets an avalanche in the corner, followed by a chop. Another avalanche by Abyss, and he’s calling for the chokeslam. You know, because every guy announced as 6’8″ or over HAS to do a chokeslam. It’s a rule. He lifts Kendrick up, but Kendrick grabs the belt in the process, unhooks it and pulls it down with him. Admittedly, that was a cool spot.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Brian Kendrick. Not a great match, but like I said, the finish was actually pretty cool.

Backstage (Do I even need to say it?), Velvet Sky is talking to a big-jugged scarecrow called Traci Brooks. They’re yelling about calling the cops or something. I used to think. You know, I used to think Traci was hot. What the hell happened to her?

We get some bizarre skit with Eric Young. He’s talking to David Hasselhoff’s agent. Eric actually points out the TV title belt is missing jewels. I’m not sure what’s going on here. Young strips down to his underwear, then puts his clothes back on. The agent tells Young to find an acting coach. Apparently, we can see more of this on ImpactWrestling.com. Thank you, no.

Traci and Velvet are in the ring, inviting ODB and Jackie to the ring. They do. ODB appears to be on boobjob #127. Traci shows her lack of acting skills by smiling blankly while talking about how she invented the knockouts division. She says she didn’t complain about being fired like the other two have. ODB says “You should’ve”. Traci says they should be glad Velvet didn’t press criminal charges last week, and this all ends tonight. ODB says she’ll be happy to end it after putting her foot up Velvet’s “plastic, Barbie Doll ass”. The pot and the kettle, my friends. ODB says the division has turned into a “Hooters Invitational”, and she’s right. Velvet talks about her rough life in Hartford, CT. Um…isn’t that basically the suburbs? She talks about getting picked on in high school and blah, blah, blah. You know, Velvet, if this is how you acted in high school, I can’t blame the other people for picking on you (not that I believe the story). She says being in the knockouts division is the greatest gift she’s ever received. I’d hate to see her other gifts. She says she doesn’t owe anyone an apology, but she also doesn’t blame ODB and Jackie for being mad. She then says they should just ask for their jobs back instead of whining. Velvet says they can keep fighting, but she’s done being anyone’s punching bag. She leaves then leaves the ring. Pointless segment for a pointless feud. You know, if you want to get the knockouts division over as a serious division, perhaps the focal point of the division should more than eye candy (Velvet). Just a thought.

We see the 5-Man Fortune talking about being the lumberjacks in the main event tonight. Daniels pulls A.J. aside and asks him if he had a chance to think about what Daniels said (which we still don’t know). A.J. Styles asks if he’s serious before Sting barges in with his magical package of mystery. A.J. asks him what’s in the cage. Sting asks how he knew it was a cage. Probably by the sound. Probably. Sting says it’s a present for Eric Bischoff, and he’s going to give it to Eric right now.

MATCH 5-Steel Cage Lumberjack Match: Mr. Anderson vs. Kurt Angle
You know something, TNA? If you want to be taken seriously as a wrestling company, here’s a tip: Quit trying to invent the most pointless match concepts known to man. Just because you’ve come up with a new match idea doesn’t mean it’s always good to actually put it into practice. In some cases, such as this, there’s a reason other companies haven’t done it-because IT’S POINTLESS! Okay, I’m done. We learn that this match can be won by pinfall, submission or escaping the cage. I already ranted about how cage matches should be pinfall/submission OR escape in my last DVD recap, so I won’t complain more about it here. Commercial.

I’d really love to hurt the people behind Education Connection’s ad campaign. Just saying.

Before we actually get to the main event, we get yet ANOTHER backstage Eric Bischoff segment. He’s demanding someone on the phone put “Him” on the phone. Jesus? Apparently, Him answers the phone, and Bischoff is throwing a fit about Sting being the network executive. Him tells Bischoff he hasn’t talked to Sting in weeks. This leads Sting to come into the office with his cloth-covered cage. Sting talks about stuff bottled up inside him during the entire show. He says he knows the truth will set him free, and that he’s not actually a network executive, and that he made everything up, effectively killing the angle in less than 2 hours. According to Sting, putting on a nice suit gets people to respect you. He then takes the cloth off the cage and a giant bird flies out and lands on Eric’s computer monitor. He leaves before mentioning he’s locking the door. If you’re confused, then you’ve been paying attention.

We’re finally to the match, and Anderson is “really taking it” to Kurt Angle after one successful corner whip (Taz’s words). After a clothesline, Anderson gets in a rear chinlock. Angle arm drags out of it and catches a couple punches, but Anderson gets a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Anderson’s making the “money” signal as the crowd chants “You Sold Out”. I’m not even going to begin how stupid this chant is. Suplex by Anderson gets another 2. He then capitalizes with…another chinlock. This cage match is brutality at it’s most brutal, chico. Angle with a back suplex. They trade some punches, and Angle with an, um double eye-poke, maybe? It looked terrible. Angle with a belly-to-belly, but Anderson gets back on offense with a rolling fireman’s carry slam. He goes for the Mic Check, but Angle channels a dead guy and hits several German suplexes for 2. Ankle lock attempt, but Anderson rolls through into a victory roll for 2. Angle tries for more German suplexes, but Anderson throws him into the cage and catches the Mic Check for 2. Fourtune has been integral to this match, let me tell you. Anderson tries to escape through the cage door, but Angle gets the ankle lock on again. Anderson kicks his way out of it and drops Angle with a clothesline. Now he’s trying to climb out of the cage. Angle runs after him and catches a botched Angle Slam from the top rope for 2.

Hogan’s Orange Goblins run down to ringside, and Fourtune fights them off. Now Mexican-America runs down to fight Beer Money Inc. off. Blubber Ray comes in from the crowd and hides by the ring apron. He grabs Angle’s tights through the camera hold in the cage, which allows Anderson to attack him from behind. He gets a few stomps in before demanding Blubber to get him a chair. Blubber opens the door to give Anderson the chair, but refuses to let go because Anderson apparently called him “sweetheart”. Blubber finally does once Angle’s behind Anderson, which causes Anderson to fall back into the Angle Slam for the 3.

WINNER: Kurt Angle. Anderson’s head looks like it may have hit the chair on the landing, but I’m not sure. Anyway, the lights go out, and when they come back on, Sting’s in the ring. He congratulates Angle and says “Just ten more days”.

End of show.

The highlight of the show was the X-Division title match, which really was only good for the (surprisingly) creative ending. The rest of the show just sucked, and having the main event inside a cage was pointless. It seriously was only used as a weapon once, and really doesn’t do much good in the way of keeping wrestlers out when Blubber Ray just casually opens the door without the refs even attempting to stop him. As for the Sting angle, they literally started a new twist and then killed it in less than 2 hours.

Before I end this week’s recap, I personally would like to welcome a new writer to Camel Clutch, my friend and former writer for thewrestlingfan.com Malcolm “Not in the Middle” Spinedi (www.twitter.com/NotintheMiddle), who will be joining the site as the new WWE NXT recapper. Malcolm is a great writer with a sense of humor. If you enjoy my work, I think you’ll enjoy his as well.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com, where I have plenty of new stuff up, including a look at my tattoo collection and my new weekly installment, “Hot Chick in Tall Socks of the Week”. Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Gerri Davis Banner, NPC National Level Heavyweight and Masters Female Bodybuilder

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

Full TNA Impact Wrestling July 28 Results
Kurt Angle defeated Mr. Anderson in a Steel Cage Match
Brian Kendrick defeated Abyss in an Ultimate X Match
Winter defeated Tara
Rob Van Dam defeated Gunner in a Bound for Glory Series Match
Crimson defeated Bully Ray in a Bound for Glory Series Match

CM Punk Aftershock Authentic T-Shirt

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WWE Money in the Bank 2011 DVD

Randy Orton: The Evolution of a Predator DVD

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 07-14-11 – Sting Regains The Title

July 15, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Sting vs. Mr. Anderson on TNA ImpactWe are just a few nights removed from “Destination X“, a PPV that was, according to most reports, an overall decent show. That being said, it’s only a matter of weeks before TNA goes back to their formula of charging people for overbooked messes full of needless gimmick matches. Now, without further Apu, we learn Sting will be facing Mr. Anderson for the world title tonight in a “Midsummer’s Nightmare” match, whatever the hell that it is.

Once again, because “Wrestling Matters”, we open the show with the Orange Goblins in their full glory (minus Flair, Fatt & Meth Hardly, and Murphy), complete with tuxes. Abyss’ looks like he fished it out of the dumpster. They’re also accompanied by random tramps. We see that there is a poker table and a chair in the ring for some reason. Eric Bischoff tells us they plan on gambling with someone’s career tonight. Isn’t that what TNA does every week? Bischoff talks about how Mr. Anderson threw himself a party that no one showed up to a couple weeks ago, and actually used the words “premature epartylation”. You read that right. Bischoff also says that tonight, Anderson will be officially christened into Immortal.

Anderson comes out in a tux covered in hunting camo. Apparently, Mr. Anderson is now a white trash hick. Hollywood Brooke Hogan tells Anderson that they both have always strived to be the best. To quote Phoenix Wright, “Objection!” Anderson tells Hogan that, as long as he remains the top guy in TNA Wrestling (he used the phrase “Ace of frickin’ Spades), joining Immortal is a gamble he’s willing to take.

The lights go out, and Stinger Romero (younger readers might need to look that one up) is in the ring at the poker table. Sting and Bischoff accuse each other of being cancer to the company, and Bischoff says Anderson will eliminate the cancer tonight. Sting asks to make a bet, and says he will win the belt and bring the company back to Dixie Carter (God help us). Hulk Hogan gets in Sting’s face and threatens to beat him up and have him taken out on a stretcher. Sting, understandably so, laughs at this notion. Sting reminds Bisch and Hulk that “The Network” has told both of them they are on a short leash, and that if they don’t keep things in check, there’s someone around with more power than Sting that can do something about it. Didn’t we already have this angle 2 months ago? Sting says some magic Aces that he has up his sleeve will appear tonight to back him up. He points to the rafters, and there’s a bunch of dudes in Joker henchman masks, causing Heath Ledger to roll over further in his grave and give Christopher Nolan an aneurism. The lights go out, and Sting is gone.

Taz and Tenay look at the BFG series, but there’s no new info.

MATCH 1- BFG Series Three-Way Match: D’Angelo Dinero vs. Bobby Roode vs. Samoa Joe
The story with this match is that none of the three have any points on the board thus far. Is it just me, or does Joe look like he’s ballooned up in the last few years? I realize the guy is Samoan and they are naturally big people, but you know what? The Rock, the Usos and Sonny Siaki (remember him?) are all Samoan as well and are either trim and/or muscular, so don’t tell me it’s impossible for Joe to get into shape. Anyway, Joe throws Pope out of the ring and kicks Roode in the head in the corner. Roode fires back, STILL selling the shoulder, but Joe answers with a powerslam for 2 followed by a jujigatame that Pope breaks up. Joe and Roode trade shots, but Roode hits an OVW spinebuster, only to turn around into an STO by Pope for 2. Why does Pope have knee pads on both his shins AND knees? Roode breaks out of an arm wringer on the bad shoulder, but eats an uppercut for 2 by Pope. Pope hits a cool-looking leg-hook DDT for another 2, followed by a Lawler fist drop for another nearfall. Every time Joe tries to get back in the ring, Pope kicks him back out. Pope tries for the DDE, but Roode hits a series of clotheslines, an inverted atomic drop and a side-Russian leg sweep (Joe is still outside). Roode gets 2 off a middle rope blockbuster. Roode gets Pope up for a superplex, but Joe finally contributes to the match and sets Pope up for a Muscle Buster. Roode breaks it up and hits the Payoff on Joe for 2. Joe tries for the Kokina Clutch on Roode, but Roode climbs the turnbuckles and rolls over to get the pin on Joe (think Piper/Hart from ‘Mania VII or Austin/Hart from Survivor Series 96).

WINNER: Bobby Roode. Roode finally gets on the board with 7 points, while Samoa Joe’s complete and utter burial continues. As for Pope, well, when was the last time he did anything?

We see the King of the Roach Motel Vending Machine and his wife backstage, supposedly returning from Mexico. You can tell they were really returning from Mexico at that exact moment because they have sombreros pointlessly strapped to their luggage.

In Hogan’s office, he’s telling the rest of Those Guys Who Can’t Die that they need to more or less murder Sting tonight. Good thing Sting’s already playing a dead guy, huh? Bischoff then lays into Abyss for losing the X-Division title to Spanky. Jeff and Karen Diet Shasta Orange enter the office. This name also works because of Hogan’s skin color. Jeff pulls out a briefcase and reveals the AAA Mega Championship belt, which he has covered with a ridiculous-looking silver plate. For those that don’t know, Jeff Jarrett won the belt a few weeks back. Now, the belt was already ugly, but Jarrett somehow made it worse.

We see Pope talking to Devon’s kids in the back, which causes Devon to run up to them and to not talk to Pope anymore. Does Devon think Pope has a white van full of candy outside or something? Devon tells Pope to stay away from his kids and calls him a two-bit con. Pope makes the argument that Devon needs to trust him, especially after Pope handed him 7 points in the BFG series last week. Devon more or less calls him stupid for this, and I’m inclined to agree.

Ooh, TNA is releasing “Immortal Forever” on DVD next Tuesday. Because, you know, an angle that’s only about a year old needs its own DVD. We then get a video package highlighting “Destination X” set to some atrociously bad rap music. I can’t stand this music anymore, so I fast-forward the DVR.

MATCH 2 – Austin Aries vs. Shannon Moops
I admit, I stole that name for Shannon from another TNA recapper, but it’s a good name and I’m a “Seinfeld” fan. Aries won the TNA contract at “Destination X”, making him the company’s newest wrestler who will get mistreated. Just hope they don’t make him start calling himself “Austin Starr” again. Aries with a shoulderblock, and Moore answers with an inverted atomic drop and a sloppy spinning heel kick that lands nowhere near Aries’ “yam bag”, despite what Taz would tell you. Shannon with a roll-up out of the corner for 2, followed by a moonsault for another 2. Aries flips Moore out of a backslide attempt and goes for the brainbuster. A series of reversals sends Aries outside, who skins the cat. Moore breaks that up with a dropkick and hits a very slow somersault plancha to the outside. Moore is overrated. Moore hits a version of Whisper in the Wind for 2. Aries goes for the book of DILLIGAF (ugh), which the ref gets away after Shannon grabs it. Aries grabs a chain that was in the corner for some reason (I think it was attached to the book) and clocks Moore with it behind the ref’s back. Aries hits a slingshot corkscrew splash, and gets the 3.

WINNER: Austin Aries. Good to see Aries wrestling, as the rumor was his getting rejected for “Tough Enough” caused him to contemplate retirement. Alex Shelley comes in and gets mad at Aries for using a chain in his match. This would be fine, except there is no backstory here (at least, not in this company, aside from a 3 week stint where they were in a group with Roderick Strong). So-so match, but incredibly short.

Backstage, Abyss is yelling about Spanky stealing his title. Meanwhile a member of Sting’s Police (Get it? No? Damn kids with your Werther’s Originals) is hovering around unbeknownst to Prince Justice, while swinging a bat. Abyss turns around and takes a bat shot to the midsection before the Killer Klown From Outer Space runs away.

We get yet ANOTHER backstage segment with Moops and Alex Shelley complaining about A-Double. Again, there’s no story here. This cuts away to Aries himself, and he basically tells everyone how great he is and that he can beat anyone.

We learn Not-Victoria will be taking on Spelling Bee Champion Madison Rayne tonight. I, for one, am thrilled. This leads to an atrocious promo from an atrocious human being in Rayne. And what does this lead to? A whiny promo from Tara, who has a present for Rayne in her hand, which she says Rayne will get after the match.

Backstage (Wrestling Matters!), and Steiner is asking SoCal Val if she wants to see his bare arm. She then does what she knows best, and stares blankly before screaming because another Killer Klown is behind “Big Puppa Pup”. Steiner takes some shots with the bat, and this clown also runs off.

MATCH 3 – Tara vs. Madison
The “King of Queens” (Listen to her music and tell me I’m wrong) is out first. Tara comes out next. A little trivia-Tara’s awful theme is sung by former TNA employee Goldylocks. Don’t remember her? Consider yourself lucky. Tara puts the package she had earlier in the corner before the match starts. Rayne is asking Tara to lay down. I didn’t know they were still doing the pseudo-lesbian gimmick. Oh, she wants Tara to lay down to intentionally get pinned. Got it. Tara with a bodyslam and a standing moonsault. Tara’s looking a little chunky tonight. Madison is screaming. Okay, Daffney is the only woman who should do the screaming bit. Not Melina, and certainly not Madison Rayne. Rayne goes for the Rayne Drop, but Tara gets out and lands a clothesline. Tara connects with the Spider’s Web, but Rayne reverses out of the Widow’s Peak and connects with a lame kick. More screaming. Tara gets kicked off the apron after a series of corner reversals, and takes a really weak Irish whip into the stairs. Madison needs some dental surgery. She grabs the box in an overly dramatic fashion and opens it up. Surprise, it’s Tara’s pet tarantula. Rayne freaks out and turns into the Widow’s Peak for 3.

WINNER: The chick who was suspected of insurance fraud. Tara takes out the tarantula and scares Rayne out of the ring with it (who, by the way, had to completely no-sell the effects of the Peak to make this happen).

We see Kurt Angle in the back, walking. Man, this show is thrilling!

Backstage (Wrestling MATTERS!!!!), we see Magnus and Douglas Williams talking about their match with New Mexico next. The Brits have some fancy new jackets, too.

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Angle comes out to his Don Henley rip-off music, and he’s got a bizarre smile on his face. Mr. Endgame talks about how he’s the #1 contender to the Battle Dome championship, and he will get that shot in August at “Hardcore Justice”. Guess they’re keeping the ‘core’ part. He says he’d rather face Anderson than Sting, but that he’s coming after Anderson whether he wins or loses tonight. Angle talks about his history with Sting, including the empty arena match, which he says fans tell him is the greatest match they ever saw. I’d like to find these fans and kick them in square in the nuts. Angle says he will be watching the main event tonight, and will walk out of the next PPV as Impact Wrestling World Champion. Until they remove the letters “TNA” from those belts, they are TNA championships. Sorry.

Can you guess where the next segment takes place? Go ahead. Guess. Backstage! You got it. We see the Jarrett leaving, with Karen carrying all the luggage. She opens the trunk of the SUV to find another clown hiding out. He hits Jeff with a bat (after Jeff tried to block it with his title belt briefcase. Nice treatment of the belt). The clown chokes Jeff out with the bat and drags him off somewhere. Karen spent the segment screaming and running away, in case you didn’t get enough of ugly women who can’t act screaming already.
Jeff Hardy is in the new series of TNA figures. I can’t imagine they’re regretting that decision.

No, please no. TNA, STOP giving Hernandez a microphone! You sent the guy to AAA to learn Spanish to cut promos like Rey Mysterio, and guess what? He STILL can’t speak the language! Anarquia proceeds to just yell in his obnoxious voice while half the crowd can’t even see what’s going on thanks to the Mexican flag.

MATCH 4 – Winners become the #1 contender for the World Tag Team titles: Mexican-America (California and Texas) vs. The British Invasion (Magnus and Douglas Williams)
Magnus starts off with Anarquia. Double arm-wringer into a straightjacket drop by the Brits gets 2. Williams in now, and he too is looking chubby. Anarquia eats some chops and headbutts. Blind tag to Hernandez who hits a slingshot shoulder tackle, followed by an over-the-shoulder backbreaker that he turns into a drop for 2. Anarquia is back in and botches a simple kick to Williams. Where did they find this guy, XPW? Williams has got a little cut on his head. Anarquia hotshots Williams onto the top rope, and he and Hernandez do Haas and Benjamin’s leapfrog move. Williams tags in Magnus, who drops Anarquia with a boot and a back elbow. He hits Hernandez with a reverse direction elbow, followed by a Michinoku driver #2 on Anarquia for 2. Elbow off the top on Anarquia for another 2. The Brits hit a hoisted European uppercut move, but the ref gets distracted by Rosita, who just ran down. Hernandez drops an elbow on Magnus while he is trying to get the pin, and rolls Anarquia over in time for the ref to count 3.

WINNERS AND NEW #1 CONTENDERS: Hernandez and the other guy. I’m no fan of Magnus, but he had to sell a pinfall off an elbow? When was the last time that was a believable finish? 1988?

In Bischoff’s office, and he’s with Tom Cruise and Blubber Ray. He tells them not to let him down. Tom says he’s the hunter and not the hunted, and that they need to go find the rest of the clown guys. Blubber says he’s with him, and they proceed to walk out. However, Blubber stays behind and blows Tom off. Gee, I wonder what will happen next?

Next week, Alex Shelley will be getting his shot at Brian Kendrick’s X-Division title, as well as Mickie James and Velvet Sky in a Knockouts title match, A BFG series match between Steiner and RVD, and a BFG series four-way ladder match between A.J. Styles, Samoa Joe, Matt Morgan and that guy from “Cocktail” with the winner scoring 10 points.

In case we didn’t see the first time, they’re showing all of the members of Immortal who got attacked by clowns yet again.

Backstage yet again, and Gunner’s looking for the clowns with a pipe. All four of them come out with their bats. They proceed to beat the hell out of him. This is like a scene from “The Warriors”, but if that movie sucked really badly. The guys take the masks off, and it’s Kazarian, James Storm, Christopher Daniels and A.J. Styles. How ‘bout that X-Division, huh?

MATCH 5- Match for the World Championship: Sting vs. World Champion Mr. Anderson
I bet Anderson’s dad totally owns a dealership (again, kudos to the five or so of you that get that). Anderson looks high right now. He asks for the mic, but it swings wildly all over the place. He grabs it, but immediately throws it away. I’m sure there was a point to that, but I’ll be damned if I know what it was. I guess a “Midsummer’s Nightmare” Match is the same as a regular one, because it hasn’t been mentioned during the actual main event and this match is your standard fare thus far. Sting no-sells a bunch of punches, and gets some shots in in the corner, knocking Anderson to the floor. Inverted atomic drop and a dropkick by Sting. Tenay actually says this about Sting’s dropkick-“Damn, that’s impressive.” Never mind that it wasn’t, and that Sting’s thrown 10,000 dropkicks in his career. Sting connects with a Stinger Splash, but gets a dropkick to the knee on a second attempt. Anderson’s targeting the leg now with punches and kneedrops. Anderson goes for the Scorpion Deathlock and gets it on (he’s not applying it correctly, though). Sting gets to the ropes for the break. Anderson continues to attack the knee and gets 2. Anderson locks in an elevated single-leg Boston crab, but Sting kicks out of it with the other leg. Some punches and chops by Sting now, followed by some clotheslines. Sting botches a hotshot, and hits Anderson with a Mic Check-better than Anderson does it himself, I might add-for 2. Anderson gets Sting up on his shoulders, but referee Brian Hebner catches Sting’s feet in his face. Sting gets out and shoves Anderson into Hebner. He locks on the Death Lock and Anderson taps, but the ref is down outside. Blubber is in, and he lightly taps Sting on the head to break up the submission. He takes off his needlessly large wallet chain-which he was wearing with his tux, for some reason. Anderson holds Sting up for a shot by Blubber, but the lights go out. Back on, and now in the ring is another clown, who takes out Blubber. The lights go out again, and when they come back on, Sting and the clown are gone. We see the clown up on the ramp. Sting runs in from ringside, hits the Scorpion Death Drop, and the ref conveniently gains consciousness in time to count the 3.

WINNER AND NEW WORLD CHAMPION: Sting. After the match, the clown pulls off his mask to reveal himself to be Kurt Angle, and Sting looks surprised.

End of show.

So, TNA goes from an at least passable episode last week to an atrocious mess of a wrestling broadcast this week. The clown angle was totally ridiculous, and while Immortal ended up looking like a bunch of losers, TNA will forget that in a couple of weeks. They did the same thing when Crimson started taking Immortal out, only for the angle to be dropped with no explanation. The same thing will happen here at some point.

Full TNA Impact Wrestling July 14 Results
Sting defeated Mr. Anderson to win the TNA world championship
Bobby Roode defeated Samoa Joe and “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero in a Bound For Glory Series Match
Mexican America (Hernandez and Anarquia) defeated The British Invasion (Douglas Williams and Magnus)
Austin Aries defeated Shannon Moore
Tara defeated Madison Rayne

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (I need to get more posted on there, I know). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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