Welcome to the 7-28 edition of the TNA Impact Wrestling recap. My last column created quite a stir. As some of you may know, my comments about Madison Rayne and her retaliation were picked up by several respected wrestling websites and writers.
Needless to say, the writers and sites all seemed to universally be behind me in what I call “RayneStorm 2011″ (Like I said on Twitter, “MadTV” fans will understand the reference). One comment in particular seemed to strike a cord with Madison Rayne’s fans (all ten of them), and that was me calling her an atrocious human being two weeks ago. Now, that comment was more sarcastic than anything else. I realize she’s playing a character on TV and there’s probably some differences between her character and who she is in real life (although I’d still be willing to bet she’s not very pleasant; she did call me a d*ckhead and accused me of being jobless, after all). So, having said that, let me clarify what I said two weeks ago and say that she is not an atrocious human being (that I know of, anyway), but rather an atrocious TV personality and wrestler.
There. Everyone good now? Fantastic, then. Oh, and in regards to making fun of her all the time, out of respect for Camel Clutch Blog, I will dial it back just a tad and be more selective with the shots I fire out. I just hope she does the same and gives me a lack of ammunition.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, on with the show.
We start off with Kirk Angel (your check’s in the mail, Jericho) walking to the ring as Mike Tenay plays “Captain Obvious”. Angle calls out Mr. Linda Hogan, who is looking more scrawny and saggy than ever (scrawny compared to days gone by, anyway). Oh, and he’s very obviously limping. Apparently, Hogan’s been blowing up Angle’s phone for three days with some kind of offer. Angle says Immortal
doesn’t impress him, and that it’s full of a$% kissers and scumbags. Angle continues to swear he’s never beaten Sting
despite doing it at least twice, and says he’ll win the world title at Hardcore Justice. He asks Hogan if he knows what it’s like to be the best in the world. Hulk Hogan
blatantly lies and says “yes”. Hogan talks about carrying wrestling on his barn door back. That’s all well and good, but that was nearly 30 years ago. What’s Hogan done for the business lately? Hogan continues to live in the past and talks about selling out arenas in 1984 when “Angle was still pooping in his diapers”. Angle was around 9 or 10 then, so if he was pooping in diapers, he had a serious problem. Hogan is still rambling about whatever, and gives Angle crap about not accepting Immortal’s offer. Angle says he does respect Hogan, which is why he’s not kicking Hogan’s a$$ at the moment. That, and because Hogan’s crippled.
Angle then begins to talk about Hulkamania back in the day as well, as if Hogan needed further verbal stroking. Hogan tells Angle he’s never wrestling again, and then lists off all the surgeries he’s had. Hogan says if Angle wants to bring up Hogan’s wife and kids (which he apparently did), he’s asking for trouble. He accuses Angle of being handed the gold medals at the 1996 Olympics because of his broken freaking neck (which, BTW, never happened; Angle’s neck was fractured, never broken. If it had been broken, he’d be dead. Look it up). Hogan asks Angle what he’s trying to say, and Angle says if Hogan wants Sting taken out, why doesn’t he do it himself. He challenges Hogan to take on Sting himself. Holy L. Ron Hubbard, this can’t be happening. I don’t want to know what fans wants another Hogan/Sting match 20 years too late.
Backstage, some random tramp hands Eric Bischoff a paper from “The Network”. Since when did Cyrus the Virus start working for TNA?
We see another commercial for the Impact Wrestling fantasy game, which is supposedly one-of-a-kind. Except for, you know, all of the other fantasy wrestling games out there.
MATCH 1-BFG Series match: Gunner vs. Rob Van Dam
Doo doo doo dee doo doo. ROB VAN DAM! Doo doo doo dee doo doo. If you ever wanted to know the lyrics to RVD’s theme, there you go. Anyway, these two are two of the top guys in the BFG series. Gunner starts off with a tackle into the corner and some punches. RVD counters and gets a body scissors into a pin for 2. Gunner telegraphs a back body drop and gets kicked. RVD gets a spin kick, but gets caught a second time and powerslammed into the corner for 2. Another 2 off a back elbow. RVD gets a reverse cross body off the middle for 2, but Gunner gets 2 of his own off a clothesline. Apparently, Gunner’s now a former marine, according to Taz. Okay. RVD gets a top rope thrust kick for 2, but misses the slingshot legdrop to the outside. Back in, and RVD gets hot shotted off a springboard.
Gunner throws him back in for another 2. Gunner with stomps. RVD gets a kick in the corner, a thrust kick from the middle rope and Rolling Thunder. Gunner rolls outside and pulls RVD out, too. Guess he went to the “Cena-Orton School of No-Selling”. Gunner bodyslams RVD on the outside and throws him back in. Gunner climbs back in and gets a Tully Blanchard slingshot suplex for 2, only Tully did it better. RVD elbows out of a corner whip and goes up top, but Gunner gets a powerbomb for 2. RVD with a running spin kick into the corner, but Gunner no-sells again and gets a running knee for 2. Gunner goes for Mr. Pibb, but RVD spinning dropkicks out of it. RVD up with a Five-Star Frog Splash from way across the ring, and this one’s over.
WINNER: Rob Van Dam. Not a bad match, but I’m just not at all impressed with Gunner, nor do I understand why he’s getting pushed so hard. Oh, wait-It’s TNA. I don’t have to understand. Anyway, RVD and Gunner are now tied for 2nd place in the Blades of Glory series at 28 points a piece.
Backstage, we see Sting completing the Joker ensemble with a 3-piece suit, except it’s red instead of purple. Well, since it’s red, I guess it’s completely and utterly original, right? Right? Wrong? What? Okay.
Backstage again, Eric is scolding the members of Immortal, and is reading the letter from “The Network”. Basically, it says that, because of the success of Destination X (all 8,000 buys), they expect Eric to hire even more X-Division wrestlers and showcasing it more. I think they mean more X-Division guys will be hired then ignored. That sounds right to me. Hogan comes in and says he wants Kurt Angle destroyed. Bully Ray volunteers Mr. Anderson to do it. Anderson complains (which will lead to yet another turn by Anderson this year), but then agrees to do it. Bisch begins to read more from the letter, and the Red Scorpion appears, carrying something covered in a black blanket. He puts the something on Bischoff’s desk and talks about his suit, which he is wearing with sneakers. He talks about his great relationship with the Network, and that he is the new network executive for Impact. He says his first line of business is announcing that the Anderson/Angle match will be a cage match, and that Fourtune (which has five guys in it) will be at ringside. Yes, a lumberjack cage match. From the minds that brought us the reverse battle royal. Woot.
Back in the ring, Brian Kendrick is rambling about Austin Aries in jeans and no shoes. Alex Shelley is with him and calls Austin Aries a jackass. Aries makes his way to the ring now. Shelley begins naming off great X-Division wrestlers (and Samoa Joe) and says they built the division, and that Aries could contribute to the division but doesn’t because he cheats. Probably because he’s a heel. Probably. Shelley says Aries needs to play by the rules and calls Aries a douchebag. Aries makes fun of Kendrick for looking stupid, and I’m inclined to agree. Aries lists off everything he did to get his contract, and says that we’re playing by his rules now, and that he has only one rule-winning at all costs. He says he has a lot of five-star matches, and now wants a five-star bank account. Basically he wants to make money, which begs the question of why he’s in the company in the first place. Kendrick begins rambling again. Seriously, there’s no other way to describe his promos. I love the guy as a wrestler, but damn.
Shelley tells Aries to shove his great matches, and that we get a three-way match between them for the X-Division title at Hardcore Justice. All of a sudden, the man who absolutely screams “X-Division”, Abyss, makes his way out. He says that, despite the Network, Hogan and Bischoff call the shots. We know who to blame, Abyss. You don’t have to remind us. He says he gets a rematch for the belt, and will get it tonight. He says he’s taking the belt and killing the X-Division. When did a title belt become lethal?
Sting pops up on the big screen and says that the rematch will happen tonight, and it will be an Ultimate X match. I only see one problem with this, and his name rhymes with “Sub Miss” (Sato). Okay, so they don’t rhyme all that well. Shoot me.
Backstage with Matt Morgan and he’s telling us that he’s torn his right pec, and that he is now out of action due to the injury and out of the BFG series in the process.
We get a recap of Angle beating Jeff Jarrett to become #1 contender to the Battle Dome Championship. Now, we look at BFG matches from house shows. Bobby Roode, Bully Ray, Gunner and James Storm all picked up wins to earn points, as did Scott Steiner. Most of the wins were over Samoa Joe. Crimson is still in 1st place with 31 points. Remember him? No? You’re better off.
Crimson will be taking Blubber Ray on tonight in a series match. Ray is talking about playing “Angry Birds” and that he’s a legend. I’m inclined to agree. I’ve seen those plaques with his name on it at Old Country Buffet, so I know he’s telling the truth. They’re right next to Matt Hardy’s plaques. Ray then talks about A.J. Styles. I guess they have a match at house show in Houston for more points. Ray says he’s going to be Styles, and follows it up by saying “okey-dokey”. Why does he say “okey-dokey”? Because he can. That’s really what he said, and that was his real explanation.
You know, if Axe Body Spray makes women want to molest mannequins, why is it still on the market?
MATCH 2-BFG Series match: Blubber Ray vs. Lance Sackless
Hey, remember that whole storyline of Crimson being Amazing Red’s younger brother? Neither does anyone in the company. Christy Hemme makes a point of telling us all Crimson is undefeated in his entrance announcement. Thanks, Christy. I had forgotten that fact in the last five minutes, despite it being repeated constantly. Ray starts off in the corner with punches and slaps. Why does Bully Ray jump with every move? I guess that’s his cardio for the day. Crimson gets a couple of gut punches in, but Ray’s a tub, so he no-sells it and gets a Mongolian chop. Ray begins attacking Crimson’s right knee, which is braced for some reason. Ray takes the brace off and begins dropping elbows, as if that brace was really doing anything. He pulls Crimson’s knee pad off and starts slapping his knee. Blubber Ray then does JBL’s hand gesture complete with cow moo. Racists stick together. Ray setts up for the Bully Bomb. Crimson elbows out of it, hits Red Sky, and this is over.
WINNER: Crimson. Crimson is still undefeated, despite being completely squashed in this awful, awful match. I just can’t be objective here-this match SUCKED. Crimson gets another 7 points, putting him at 38.
Up next, we get Winter vs. Tara. Apparently, Santa read my wish list this year.
Backstage (How many times do I have to tell you, WRESTLING MATTERS, DAMMIT!), Eric Bischoff is on the phone with someone, trying to get the Network on the phone. That’s about it.
In another part of the backstage area, my #1 fan and bestest friend in the history of ever anything Madison Rayne is walking around, talking about how she’ll be at ringside for this next match. Sting jumps in front of her, still packing around the thing in the blanket. Madison screams. Best. Segment. EVER.
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MATCH 3-Winter (w/Walking Stick) vs. Knockouts Tag Team Co-Champion Tara (w/Miss Tessmacher)
You know, ever since Winter got canned like a tuna from WWE, she appears to be getting more pale by the day. On the plus side, it compliments Angelina Love’s anorexic look very nicely. Tara’s doing the fake lesbian kiss with Tessy now. Great. I do like Tessy’s outfit, though. Earl Hebner ejects both the other knockouts from ringside. In the ring, Tara’s slamming Winter’s head into everything. Roll-up with bridge gets 2. Winter gets out and shoulders Tara in the ring. Tara reverses a corner charge into Tajiri’s Tarantula, but Winter gets out and gets in a hot shot. Tara slams Winter’s head into the turnbuckle, but misses the Arabian facebuster. Winter gets a reverse neck whip in the ropes for 2. Now, she has a double chicken wing on Tara that Tenay incorrectly calls a surfboard. Tara goes for a corner whip, but Winter slides into it and gets a clothesline for 2.Backbreaker by Winter for 2. Winter mounts Tara, which isn’t as exciting as it sounds. They trade punches. Tara with clotheslines, a bodyslam and a botched standing moonsault that Taz calls beautiful. Tara tries for the Widow’s Peak, but slides out of it and gets a big boot. Winter goes for her horrible swinging side slam, but Tara gets out. Somehow, Earl Hebner gets kicked in the process, which allows Winter to hit a low blow. Kind of pointless on a woman, isn’t it? She gets the swinging side slam into a backbreaker, botches it heavily because she’s not strong enough, and gets the win.
WINNER: Winter. I’m disappointed my most favoritest wrestler in the ever Madison Rayne went back on her word and didn’t come out. Gonna have to have a talk with her about honesty. I guess she hasn’t seen any of those great after school specials. She could at least watch an episode of “Full House” or “Family Matters” once in a while. Geez.
MATCH 4-Ultimate X Match for the X-Division Championship: Abyss vs. Brian Kendrick
A friend of mine had a tryout with TNA last year. He told me that Abyss has specially designed boots to make him look much taller than he actually is, and that he’s only around 6 or 6’2″. Random thought for you there. You know, while the concept of the Ultimate X match isn’t bad, why couldn’t someone just grab a ladder and get the X/belt down? It’s a no-rules match, after all. Anyway. Kendrick tries a whip but Abyss reverses. He misses a corner charge and gets a kick and some punches. Abyss misses a boot. Kendrick gets a single-leg dropkick in, but Abyss knocks him down. Abyss actually tries jumping up to grab the belt before trying to climb the corner. Apparently, he’s afraid of heights. That, and I’m not sure the cables will hold him. Kendrick goes for a tornado DDT, but Abyss throws him out of it and catches a big boot. Abyss is trying to figure out how to get the belt. Again, ever think of a ladder? Abyss is now trying to tear the Ultimate X structure down. Kendrick knocks him down with a suicide dive and gets in some kicks on the outside. Kendrick catches the tornado DDT in the ring the second time, now he’s climbing up. Kendrick shimmies towards the belt, but Abyss pulls him down, followed by another clothesline.
God, Abyss has put on weight since the early TNA days. Guess there are no gyms in his little corner of Parts Unknown. Abyss misses a corner charge, and Kendrick counters with Sliced Bread #2. He climbs up and shimmies towards the belt again. He nearly gets it, but Abyss pulls him back down and gets an avalanche in the corner, followed by a chop. Another avalanche by Abyss, and he’s calling for the chokeslam. You know, because every guy announced as 6’8″ or over HAS to do a chokeslam. It’s a rule. He lifts Kendrick up, but Kendrick grabs the belt in the process, unhooks it and pulls it down with him. Admittedly, that was a cool spot.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Brian Kendrick. Not a great match, but like I said, the finish was actually pretty cool.
Backstage (Do I even need to say it?), Velvet Sky is talking to a big-jugged scarecrow called Traci Brooks. They’re yelling about calling the cops or something. I used to think. You know, I used to think Traci was hot. What the hell happened to her?
We get some bizarre skit with Eric Young. He’s talking to David Hasselhoff’s agent. Eric actually points out the TV title belt is missing jewels. I’m not sure what’s going on here. Young strips down to his underwear, then puts his clothes back on. The agent tells Young to find an acting coach. Apparently, we can see more of this on ImpactWrestling.com. Thank you, no.
Traci and Velvet are in the ring, inviting ODB and Jackie to the ring. They do. ODB appears to be on boobjob #127. Traci shows her lack of acting skills by smiling blankly while talking about how she invented the knockouts division. She says she didn’t complain about being fired like the other two have. ODB says “You should’ve”. Traci says they should be glad Velvet didn’t press criminal charges last week, and this all ends tonight. ODB says she’ll be happy to end it after putting her foot up Velvet’s “plastic, Barbie Doll ass”. The pot and the kettle, my friends. ODB says the division has turned into a “Hooters Invitational”, and she’s right. Velvet talks about her rough life in Hartford, CT. Um…isn’t that basically the suburbs? She talks about getting picked on in high school and blah, blah, blah. You know, Velvet, if this is how you acted in high school, I can’t blame the other people for picking on you (not that I believe the story). She says being in the knockouts division is the greatest gift she’s ever received. I’d hate to see her other gifts. She says she doesn’t owe anyone an apology, but she also doesn’t blame ODB and Jackie for being mad. She then says they should just ask for their jobs back instead of whining. Velvet says they can keep fighting, but she’s done being anyone’s punching bag. She leaves then leaves the ring. Pointless segment for a pointless feud. You know, if you want to get the knockouts division over as a serious division, perhaps the focal point of the division should more than eye candy (Velvet). Just a thought.
We see the 5-Man Fortune talking about being the lumberjacks in the main event tonight. Daniels pulls A.J. aside and asks him if he had a chance to think about what Daniels said (which we still don’t know). A.J. Styles asks if he’s serious before Sting barges in with his magical package of mystery. A.J. asks him what’s in the cage. Sting asks how he knew it was a cage. Probably by the sound. Probably. Sting says it’s a present for Eric Bischoff, and he’s going to give it to Eric right now.
MATCH 5-Steel Cage Lumberjack Match: Mr. Anderson vs. Kurt Angle
You know something, TNA? If you want to be taken seriously as a wrestling company, here’s a tip: Quit trying to invent the most pointless match concepts known to man. Just because you’ve come up with a new match idea doesn’t mean it’s always good to actually put it into practice. In some cases, such as this, there’s a reason other companies haven’t done it-because IT’S POINTLESS! Okay, I’m done. We learn that this match can be won by pinfall, submission or escaping the cage. I already ranted about how cage matches should be pinfall/submission OR escape in my last DVD recap, so I won’t complain more about it here. Commercial.
I’d really love to hurt the people behind Education Connection’s ad campaign. Just saying.
Before we actually get to the main event, we get yet ANOTHER backstage Eric Bischoff segment. He’s demanding someone on the phone put “Him” on the phone. Jesus? Apparently, Him answers the phone, and Bischoff is throwing a fit about Sting being the network executive. Him tells Bischoff he hasn’t talked to Sting in weeks. This leads Sting to come into the office with his cloth-covered cage. Sting talks about stuff bottled up inside him during the entire show. He says he knows the truth will set him free, and that he’s not actually a network executive, and that he made everything up, effectively killing the angle in less than 2 hours. According to Sting, putting on a nice suit gets people to respect you. He then takes the cloth off the cage and a giant bird flies out and lands on Eric’s computer monitor. He leaves before mentioning he’s locking the door. If you’re confused, then you’ve been paying attention.
We’re finally to the match, and Anderson is “really taking it” to Kurt Angle after one successful corner whip (Taz’s words). After a clothesline, Anderson gets in a rear chinlock. Angle arm drags out of it and catches a couple punches, but Anderson gets a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Anderson’s making the “money” signal as the crowd chants “You Sold Out”. I’m not even going to begin how stupid this chant is. Suplex by Anderson gets another 2. He then capitalizes with…another chinlock. This cage match is brutality at it’s most brutal, chico. Angle with a back suplex. They trade some punches, and Angle with an, um double eye-poke, maybe? It looked terrible. Angle with a belly-to-belly, but Anderson gets back on offense with a rolling fireman’s carry slam. He goes for the Mic Check, but Angle channels a dead guy and hits several German suplexes for 2. Ankle lock attempt, but Anderson rolls through into a victory roll for 2. Angle tries for more German suplexes, but Anderson throws him into the cage and catches the Mic Check for 2. Fourtune has been integral to this match, let me tell you. Anderson tries to escape through the cage door, but Angle gets the ankle lock on again. Anderson kicks his way out of it and drops Angle with a clothesline. Now he’s trying to climb out of the cage. Angle runs after him and catches a botched Angle Slam from the top rope for 2.
Hogan’s Orange Goblins run down to ringside, and Fourtune fights them off. Now Mexican-America runs down to fight Beer Money Inc. off. Blubber Ray comes in from the crowd and hides by the ring apron. He grabs Angle’s tights through the camera hold in the cage, which allows Anderson to attack him from behind. He gets a few stomps in before demanding Blubber to get him a chair. Blubber opens the door to give Anderson the chair, but refuses to let go because Anderson apparently called him “sweetheart”. Blubber finally does once Angle’s behind Anderson, which causes Anderson to fall back into the Angle Slam for the 3.
WINNER: Kurt Angle. Anderson’s head looks like it may have hit the chair on the landing, but I’m not sure. Anyway, the lights go out, and when they come back on, Sting’s in the ring. He congratulates Angle and says “Just ten more days”.
End of show.
The highlight of the show was the X-Division title match, which really was only good for the (surprisingly) creative ending. The rest of the show just sucked, and having the main event inside a cage was pointless. It seriously was only used as a weapon once, and really doesn’t do much good in the way of keeping wrestlers out when Blubber Ray just casually opens the door without the refs even attempting to stop him. As for the Sting angle, they literally started a new twist and then killed it in less than 2 hours.
Before I end this week’s recap, I personally would like to welcome a new writer to Camel Clutch, my friend and former writer for thewrestlingfan.com Malcolm “Not in the Middle” Spinedi (www.twitter.com/NotintheMiddle), who will be joining the site as the new WWE NXT recapper. Malcolm is a great writer with a sense of humor. If you enjoy my work, I think you’ll enjoy his as well.
As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com, where I have plenty of new stuff up, including a look at my tattoo collection and my new weekly installment, “Hot Chick in Tall Socks of the Week”. Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:
Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.
Full TNA Impact Wrestling July 28 Results
Kurt Angle defeated Mr. Anderson in a Steel Cage Match
Brian Kendrick defeated Abyss in an Ultimate X Match
Winter defeated Tara
Rob Van Dam defeated Gunner in a Bound for Glory Series Match
Crimson defeated Bully Ray in a Bound for Glory Series Match
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WWE Money in the Bank 2011 DVD
Randy Orton: The Evolution of a Predator DVD
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