And we’re back for another edition of Impact Wrestling for 9/1/11. Tonight, TNA goes out of the comfort of the Impact Zone and will be taping (known as “going live” in Dixie Carter‘s world) tonight’s show in Huntsville, Alabama. Next week’s show will be “live” from there, too. Before we get into the recap, there are two things I’d like to address.

The first of the two subjects is Hulk Hogan‘s recent comments during an interview with website GoTriad.com. For those that don’t know, Hogan was interviewed by the site recently, specifically discussing TNA. When discussing why TNA is an alternative to WWE, Hogan had the following remarks:

“We’ve got a lot of young guys who are pushing hard,” he said. “And we’re trying to take our own course of destiny and make wrestling matter again. We’re not really focused on skits and entertainment and backstage antics. We’re more focused on keeping the action as much as we can in the ring.”

This immediately begs the question ‘Does Hogan even watch the show he stars on?’ For starters, he talks about all the young guys pushing hard to get noticed. That’s true, but a lot of fat good it does them when the top three stars on the show-Hogan, Sting and Flair-are all well over 50 years old. In Flair’s case, he’s over 60! Second, Hogan says that TNA is not focused on skits and entertainment and backstage antics, and keeping focus on actual wrestling instead. As an example, let’s take a look at last week’s show. I went through and looked at each segment (because I have that kind of time), and the show broke down as follows: 3 long-winded in-ring promos, 10 backstage segments, 1 skit and 5 matches. To top that off, those 5 matches took up roughly 30 minutes of a 2-hour show. And this is just one example. Look at any other episode of Impact over the last 2 or 3 years (if not further back), and you’ll wind up with similar results. Well, at least Hogan’s definitely got the “not focused on entertainment” part right.

The second issue I want to mention real quick is the Matt Hardy situation. For those that don’t know, Matt posted a YouTube video that basically seemed like a suicide note. This resulted in fans calling the cops to head over to sister-in-law Beth’s house to check on him. The result? Not only was Matt fine, but he immediately claimed the video was not a suicide note, but the rebirth of his career. This, despite the fact that everything in the video indicated it was indeed a suicide note. Not only did this piss a lot of fans off, but also pissed of Beth and even best friend Gregory Helms. Even Jim Ross, who normally doesn’t acknowledge stuff like this, called it a very embarrassing publicity stunt.

Honestly, this is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen a wrestler do. It boils down to this-Matt Hardy was bummed because no one was paying attention to him anymore, did this to get people talking, then claimed it wasn’t what everyone thought it was. Twitter user @Evil_Mr_McMahon (check him out, BTW. He posts some really funny stuff) said it best when he posted a picture of a Matt Hardy figure hanging from a noose, holding a sign that said “Am I trending yet?”

Matt, if I had any respect left for you at all, it’s completely gone. You are a worthless piece of garbage. You have have brought pain and suffering to your friends and family, and even the fans who have been following you for years. No one gives a damn about you anymore, and you have no one to blame but yourself. Now, you claim you’ve announced your retirement. Good. Maybe people will stop talking about you and trying to make you relevant.

Speaking of things no one talks about, let’s get into the Impact recap!

Much to the surprise of no one, Hulk Hogan starts the show off. Hogan’s got a new Affliction knock-off t-shirt for Immortal. Am I the only one who has noticed that practically ever t-shirt TNA comes out with is an Affliction knockoff? Hogan says the power of Immortal is running wild tonight, brother. He says he’s been in business meetings all week long, and “The Network” is standing behind the offer Sting made to Ric Flair for a match for September 15th. He reminds us that if Flair wins, Sting retires, but if Sting wins, he gets a match with Hogan and we all die a little inside. Hogan says Sting’s only wanted Hogan in the ring for the past 10 years. He says he can make decisions on the spot like “The Network”, and that it’s time that Immortal stops bowing down to them, and they bow down to him instead. Hogan says Sting will only get Hogan in the ring when Hogan is good and ready.

Battle Dome Champion Kurt Angle makes his way to the ring for whatever reason. I noticed practically the entire upper deck of this arena is tarped off. Angle gets in the ring and hugs Hogan before getting a microphone. Hogan says that, before they get to business tonight, he has some bad news. He’s sorry that Dixie Carter used and manipulated Angle, and that she can never run the company again. I lose track of how many times the word “brother” has been used. Hogan calls Angle “Dr. Angle”, and says he wants Angle to drag Sting to the ring, perform life-saving surgery and cut the cancer that is Sting from the company.

Angle says Hogan’s enemies are now his. He wants to add a veteran to the young talent he wants to cut out of TNA, and wants that to be Sting. Angle says Sting will get his title re-match tonight, and if Angle wins, he guarantees Sting won’t walk out of here under his own power.

Cue Sting’s music. Caesar Romero and Heath Ledger are both rolling over in their graves right now. Sting’s got his own microphone now, too. Hogan says no one wants to see Sting out here. Sting’s honored he’s on Angle’s list of people to destroy, and gives him the “heebie-jeebies”. He says it makes him think Angle likes him a lot. He likes Angle so much, he accepts Angle’s challenge right away. Sting will wrestle Angle tonight. He says it starts with taking the gold from Angle, then it’s on to Ric Flair, then onto Hulkamania. He’s circling Hogan as he says this. Sting says when he signs that contract, Hogan’s power will be gone. That must be some magical contract.

Sting starts to leave, but Hogan stops him. Hogan wants to know who Sting thinks he is. He reminds Sting he calls the shots, and announces he’ll be the special enforcer in the Angle/Sting match tonight. Sting laughs as Hogan tries to act 40 years younger by strutting around the ring.

We get a recap of Samoa Joe beating up Crimson last week. Back “live”, Matt Morgan is at the commentary table again.

We get a recap of the BFG series. Bully Ray, Bobby Roode, James Storm each talk about how they’ll win. Bully Ray is in the lead with 49 points. Crimson, Devon, Matt Morgan and D’Angelo Dinero are all out with injuries, while Samoa Joe has -10 points.

MATCH 1-BFG Series Match: Gunner vs. Rob Van Dam
This match hasn’t even started and Gunner’s already putting me to sleep. Taz says that whoever wins here will be in the final four of the series. Tie-up to start. Gunner elbows out of a waistlock. Samoa Joe makes his way to ringside as RVD hits a spinning heel kick for 2. I don’t know what’s going on in the match because the camera is focused on Joe and Morgan, who has come down to intercept Joe. Joe kicks Morgan below the belt before indy security sends him to the back. Back in the ring, RVD has a side headlock on Gunner. Great camera work here, TNA. Gunner elbows out of a waistlock before RVD hits 2 more spinning heel kicks for 2. RVD gets a shoulder in the corner, but Gunner boots off a charge. Outside the ring, Gunner hits a bodyslam on the floor. Back in the ring, Gunner gets 2 as “security” is still trying to get rid of Joe. Gunner with some shots before hitting an atrocious slingshot suplex. He misses a clothesline and walks into a superkick. RVD gets 2 of a couple of clotheslines. RVD with a bodyslam and Rolling Thunder for 2. RVD goes for a corner whip and gets an elbow off a reversal, but runs right into a clothesline for 2. Now Jerry Lynn is walking down to the ring. RVD hits another pair of kicks before exiting the ring and telling Lynn to get out of here. Lynn storms off angry. Back in the ring, RVD goes for the Five-Star, but changes his mind. Gunner gets a small package for 2. RVD with a body scissors for 2. Gunner with some shots now. RVD catches a kick in the corner before botching a top rope side kick that gets 2. RVD with a another spin kick variation for 2. He goes up top for the Five-Star, but Gunner’s holding the ref. Behind the ref’s back, Lynn comes back down and shoves RVD off the top rope. Gunner hits a running knee to get 3.

WINNER: Gunner. Gunner gets 7 more points. RVD has a goose egg on his head.

Later tonight, A.J. Styles will face Christopher Daniels, and we get the World title match.

The entire knockouts division is heading to the ring. Supposedly, Eric Bischoff has a big announcement concerning all of them. Commercials.

Back from the break, Bisch is coming down with Scarecrow from “Batman: The Animated Series”. Hmmm? That’s Traci Brooks? Oh. That would explain Ebenezer’s boobs being much bigger than I remember. Bischoff says he’s never had the pleasure of working with such a tremendous group of individuals. I’m guessing he means the knockouts. He calls the knockouts the heart and soul of the company, and one of the keys to success for TNA. However, this doesn’t change the fact they’re still women, and as women, they don’t know how to shut up or keep focus. He says all the female crap is driving him up a wall, which is why when Traci convinced him only a woman knows how to manage another woman and provide leadership to the division, and after Traci proved she would do anything to help the division, he said what the hell. He then announces the next V.P. of the knockouts division (he sends Traci to a corner), then announces Karen Jarrett as the new V.P. Oddly enough, Karen Jarrett comes out to Traci’s old entrance music, with Jeff Jarrett‘s music spliced in.Jeff comes out with her. What is with this company and horse-faced broads?

Karen assures Eric he’s made the right decision, and that she’s proud of every woman in the division, but they all have a long way to go. She says the difference between them and her is she’s a lady, and the rest of them are not. My ears are bleeding. The crowd starts a “She’s a ho” chant. Karen says she’ll take care of her first piece of business now, addressing ODB and Jackie. She announces they’re full-time members of the roster now. She then addresses Traci. She says she knows Traci is disappointed, as she REALLY put herself out there on this one, but there’s still a place for her in TNA, and that’s beneath Karen. So…Karen’s a lesbian now? Oh. She wants Traci to be her executive assistant. Got it. She wants Traci to bow at her feet. As for the rest of the knockouts, if they look at her the wrong way, they’ll all be back at Larry’s Cabaret where they belong. Her voice cracked like a teenager during this promo. My ears bled even more. She says she looks forward to all the knockouts serving her. Me, too. I go to that same Village Inn all the time.

During the last commercial break, Mickie James knocked Winter down in the ring. It was amazing. No, really. Groundbreaking stuff.

MATCH 2: Austin Aries and Kid Kash vs. World X-Division Champion Brian Kendrick and Jesse Sorensen
Kendrick’s new music is horrible, and the nickname “The Wizard of Odd” will never get over, Tenay. Kendrick and Aries start off. Aries immediately tags in Kash. Kash goes for the legs, but Kendrick’s too quick. Tie-up, but Kash throws him down. Kendrick with an arm drag, a hip toss and another arm drag. Sorensen tags in and hits a dropkick and an arm drag. Kash with some knees in the ropes. Tenay tries to say that there is nothing like the X-division in all of wrestling, except for, you know, the fact that it’s a glorified cruiserweight division now and those exist all over the world. Kash tags in Aries before hitting a bodyslam. Aries with a jumping elbow for 2, followed by a face stomp. He throws Sorensen into Kash’s boot before hitting a chop. Kash back in with some more chops and kicks. Aries back with more chops. Sorensen punches his way out of the corner. He shoves Aries into Kash before hitting a double dropkick to both men. Sorensen tags in Kendrick. Typical “hot tag” offense here. He gets 2 on Kash after a leg lariat, but Aries breaks it up. More kicks. Kendrick tags in Sorensen, and they are going for some type of Doomsday Device-like move, but Aries slides off Kendrick’s shoulders and shoves him into Sorensen in the corner. Aries up to the middle rope, looking for a superplex. Kendrick climbs up and gets under Aries’ legs. Kash gets into the corner under Kendrick in powerbomb position. I’m sure you can guess what this leads to. Yes, the stupid “Tower of Doom” spot, except it looks pretty heavily botched. Sorensen back drops Kash over the top rope, but Aries trips him up on a run attempt, pulling him to the outside and into the guardrail. Aries with a suicide dive, but Kendrick hits his own. They’re brawling to the back. Kash up top with a flying clothesline. He hits a release rotating suplex and then goes for a powerbomb, but Sorensen rolls through into a sunset flip for 3.

WINNERS: Brian Kendrick and Jesse Sorensen.

Direct Auto Insurance: We have wrestlers pretending to fight in our commercials. How can you afford NOT to trust us?

We get an awful video package of the relationship between Winter and Angelina Love. Seeing these two broads try to act is like having a root canal.

Backstage, Angelina Love is stroking her leg. Winter says there have been so many incarnations before this, some she has shared with her “beautiful baby”. She says there will be more to come, but this one is the most precious to her. She says if Mickie James tries to take the moment away from her, she will suck the life force from her rotting bones. Then they drink fake blood. Has Dixie Carter been playing a lot of D&D lately or something? Perhaps she’s just become obsessed with “Twilight”.

Mickie James says she’s tired of all of this with Winter, and tonight, she’ll wrestle her ass off and Winter needs to bring her A-game. It doesn’t really matter, as Winter’s A-game is a level Z-game for most wrestlers.

Back from commercial, we get a bunch of wrestlers talking about Jeff Hardy in a video package. Jeff Hardy speaks “live” next week. Wonderful.

Backstage, Kurt Angle says he’ll eliminate Sting before he eliminates the other wrestlers. Hogan walks into the locker room and says that Angle needs to go to New York and take “The Network” out since they’ve approved of Jeff Hardy coming back next week. He wants Kurt Angle to kill “The Network”. Angle couldn’t have said “all right” any more casually. He very angrily slams his paper coffee cup on the floor. It’s all the cup’s fault!

We get a bunch of crowd shots as Mike Tenay is rambling on about Jeff Hardy.

MATCH 3-Knockouts Championship: Mickie James vs. Knockouts Champion Winter (w/Angelina Love)
Mickie James’ singing voice sounds a hell of a lot like a dying burro. What prison does Angelina Love go to for her tattoo work, anyway? James attacks Winter in the corner. They tie up. James with a snapmare. They trade wristlocks. James with a la magistral for 2. James is working the left arm. Winter bites her way out into an arm wringer. James fights out and hits some forearms and a dragon screw. James goes for a leglock, but can’t seem to figure out how to put it on as Winter immediately gets to the ropes. Winter backs James into a corner with some shoulder thrusts. James comes back with the Taco Twister and a neckbreaker. James up top while Winter has the ref distracted. Love tries to get on the apron, but James knocks her off and hits a Thesz Press from the top on Winter. Love is back up, but James knocks her back down. Love tries to throw the Knockouts belt into the ring, but Earl Hebner catches it and throws it right at Love’s stupid face. Okay, he actually just threw it to the corner like a piece of trash. Winter hits some forearms as Hebner sends Love to the locker room. Winter with some knees to the back. She goes for a double chicken wing, but James fights out. Winter hits her back down. James trips her up and goes for the leglock she forgot how to do earlier. She momentarily forgets again before going for a sloppy half Boston Crab. Winter gets to the ropes, but James slingshots her off. James with some clotheslines and a flapjack. James goes for the standing tornado DDT, but Winter casually pushes her off. They simultaneously facebust each other. Winter goes for her swinging side slam, but James slides out into a roll-up for 2. Winter reverses into a roll-up for 2. James hits the standing tornado DDT, but Winter gets her foot in the ropes. Winter hits a step-up enziguri for 2. Winter takes her wrist band off and looks to choke James with it, but Hebner gets it away. James hits the Mick Kick to win the match and the title.

Check out the full Camel Clutch Blog Pro Wrestling and MMA store for videos, t-shirts, books, and more.

WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: Mickie James. Mickie James pretends to cry after the match. So much for Mickie James never taking that moment away from her.

We get a highlight package of the relationship between A.J. Styles and Christopher Daniels.

Matt Morgan is coming back out to the ring. He randomly takes his shirt off as he makes his way ringside. He says that we’ve had to see Samoa Joe put out half the roster with injuries over the past few weeks, and trying to take on “The Blueprint” is suicidal. He wants Joe to face him man-to-man for an “Alabama ass whipping”. He wants Joe’s “fat, dumpy ass” right now. Here comes Joe’s fat, dumpy ass. He’s staring at Morgan in the ring. He throws the ref to the guardrail before climbing in the ring. Joe and Morgan brawl. You can tell this is just a brawl because they’re wearing street clothes. This only happens in nonsense brawls or street fights, you know. Joe picks Morgan up on his shoulder, but Morgan fights out with some punches and a discuss clothesline. Matt’s selling his chest injury. He hits the barking back elbow thing in the corner and a running hip bump. These are the exact kinds of things I do when I get into fights, too. Joe slides out to the floor and pulls Morgan down with him. More brawling. Morgan throws Joe into the ring post before hitting some punches. Joe’s trying to grow a faux hawk. Morgan goes for the Carbon Footprint, but referee Jackson James (aka Bischoff’s kid) jumps in front of him. Morgan picks him up and throws him, but Joe kicks Morgan in the testes again. Joe gets a chair and hits Morgan over the back. Morgan can’t decide whether to sell the nut shot or the chair shot. Morgan climbs up the ring post, where Joe hits him with a chair again, this time on the arm. He goes for another chair shot, but the Hebners come out to squash that, because two undersized referees are far too terrifying for a fat Samoan with a chair. Joe rambles nonsensically to the camera.

Considering there’s only about a half an hour of show left, expect the Styles/Daniels and Angle/Sting matches to be incredibly short.

We see Rob Terry working out in a gym before Robbie E comes in, pretending to lift weights. He asks Terry again if he’d like to be Robbie E’s bodyguard before we hear someone yelling. It’s Eric Young as he nonsensically lifts one of the gym benches in his underwear. Glad to see he’s doing stuff like this, which is very important, and not at all defending the TV title he won a few months ago, which is completely meaningless. Although, to be fair, the TV IS pretty meaningless, so I guess it all works out. Eric Young calls Robbie E “Johnny D”, then challenges him to a TV title match next week. Robbie E accepts. Robbie E says that, when people hang with him, big things happen. Rob Terry goes back to alternating bicep curls. Good to know that, in TNA, you don’t have to do a damn thing or beat anyone to qualify for title matches. As long as you are a parody of Dixie Carter’s favorite show, you’ll have a job in TNA forever. Just ask Cookie! Oh, wait…maybe it’s only if you’re a man.

Backstage, Styles and Daniels are talking about their match. Styles says he’s coming at Daniels, and Daniels says he wouldn’t want it any other way. Styles says it’s no problem, but this is the last time they’re wrestling. Styles asks Daniels if he knows who’s coming back. Daniels very astutely responds with “Again?” Styles responds even more astutely with “And again, and again. I guess life’s full of third and fourth chances.” God, even the TNA wrestlers are making fun of Jeff Hardy coming back. Ditsy Carter still must’ve not gotten that memo. I hear she’s also been having problems with her TPS reports.

Backstage, Hogan is yelling to the Goblins about Jeff Hardy. Then he turns to Sting. There’s seven of them and only one of him, and with him as special enforcer tonight, he feeds off their energy. They need to keep their eyes and ears open because they could be needed at any moment. He says this is “one more mountain we need to mow down”. Since when does anyone mow mountains? They all shake hands as Abyss looks on in the background. I guess he’s the loser of the group. Every group has one person they make fun of. Like us with Elaine.

MATCH 4: Christopher Daniels vs. A.J. Styles
Normally, a match between two of my favorite wrestlers would be something I’d greatly enjoy. However, they’ve maybe got 10 minutes here, maybe, which just isn’t enough time for these two to show off their talents. They shake hands to start the match before tying up. They do a quick exchange and Styles gets a 1-count off a school boy. Daniels is frustrated already. Daniels with a side headlock. Styles tries to throw him off, but Daniels holds on. Shoulder block by Daniels and a roll-up variation for 2. Styles hits a nice dropkick. Daniels backs Styles into the corner and goes back to the headlock. Styles throws him off and catches a bodyslam followed by the jumping knee for 2. Mike Tenay says that, after the show, it’s the “world series of beer pong”. Apparently, Spike TV will show any crap that someone is willing to film. Styles slams Daniels head-first into the corner, then gets a few shots in. Styles hits a delayed vertical suplex for 1. Daniels reverses an Irish whip and hits a jumping side kick, sending Styles to the floor. Daniels tries for a dive but misses. Styles gets to the apron and hits a hurricanrana to the floor. Back in, Styles gets 2 before going for the inverted STF variation. Daniels gets to the ropes. Daniels gets some gut shots in, but walks right into a backbreaker/rib breaker combo for 2. Styles hits a corner whip and a jumping corner clothesline. Daniels lands on his feet out of a suplex, and Styles runs right into a boot in the corner. Daniels hits a quick STO. Daniels with several shots and a step-up enziguri, but Styles comes back with a Superman for 2. Daniels hits some palm strikes to the chest before they trade chops. Styles hits a Pele, sending Daniels to the corner. Styles charges in, but Daniels catches a kick to the head. Styles goes for the Lionsault into the inverted DDT, but Daniels holds onto the ropes and hits a split-legged moonsault. Styles back up with a powerbomb attempt. Daniels reverses into the Angel’s Wings, but Styles reverses that into a back body drop. Styles trips Daniels up in the corner and goes for Superman again, but botches it and hot shots himself gut-first on the top rope. Daniels immediately pins him.

WINNER: Christopher Daniels. Good match, but the ending was bizarre. Not sure why they’d end a match on a botch like that, intentional or accidental. After the match, Styles offers a handshake, but Daniels blows him off.

Up next, ANOTHER Angle/Sting match. For variety, Hogan will limp around the ring, pretending to be a referee.

MATCH 5-World Championship: Sting vs. World Champion Kurt Angle (special enforcer: Hulk Hogan)
Man, my left middle finger is stiff from getting tattooed today. Just saying. Hulk Hogan gets his own entrance, because why the hell not? He couldn’t even wear the sleeveless referee shirt? That’s lazy. Granted, he’s only the “enforcer”, but come on. Hogan’s arms kind of look like sausages hanging in a deli window. Just saying. Hogan gets his own introduction here, even before the wrestlers. Shows how they rank. Kurt Angle weighs 225, my ass. 190 at best. Tie-up to start. Sting gets the side headlock. Angle backs him into the corner. Another tie-up, another headlock by Sting. Shoulder block off the ropes by Sting. Sting reverses a hip toss into one of his own, followed by an arm drag that sends Angle to the floor. Why can’t Taz pronounce “frustrated” properly? Angle back in with some shots, backing Sting into the corner. Sting reverses a corner whip and hits a clothesline, sending Kurt back out. Sting follows and slams Angle into the guardrail and the steps. I just noticed the back of Hogan’s shirt says “I Am That I Am”. What the hell does that mean? Back in the ring, Angle tries to climb to the middle turnbuckle as Sting hits a Stinger Splash. Angle holds on and turns it into an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Angle with a front facelock now. Taz mentions that Angle is training for the Olympics still, and says he’s in the best shape he’s ever seen Angle in. Not even close, on both accounts. Sting fights out, but Angle gets a sleeper. Sting turns the sleeper into a back suplex. Angle runs into a back elbow and a pair of clotheslines. Angle elbows out of the corner, but Sting kicks him in the stomach and hits a DDT. Sting misses a clothesline, and Angle turns it into the triple German suplexes he learned from that dead guy for 2. Angle goes for the Angle Slam, but Sting counters into the Scorpion Death Drop for 2. Sting’s going for the Scorpion Death Lock, but Angle turns it into the ankle lock. Sting rolls through and kicks him off. Angle misses a shoulder charge in the corner. Sting goes for the Death Drop again, but Angle throws him off and hits the Angle Slam for 2. Sting hits a clothesline off a corner charge and goes for the Death Lock again. Sting gets it on this time, but he’s not sitting down far enough. Hogan gets on the apron as Gunner runs down to the ring with a chair. He goes for a head shot, but referee Brian Hebner gets the chair away from him. Sting back drops Gunner as Hogan gets in the ring. Angle is tapping behind the ref’s back as Hogan hits Sting in the chest with a chair. Sting no-sells it, but then gets Angle Slammed onto the chair for the 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Kurt Angle. After the match, Sting knocks Angle back out of the ring with some punches, then turns around to Hogan. Hogan tries for a handshake, but the rest of the H.O.G.s run and attack Sting with the chair. Mr. Anderson runs into the ring with a baseball bat and wipes everyone except Blubber Ray out. Ray runs away. Hey, remember when Sting and Anderson were feuding? Neither does anyone at TNA.

End of show.

The sub-main event was good, but short (as I predicted). And, as I said, the ending was just strange. As for the main event, I felt like I had seen the match before. Probably because I have seen it every single time Sting and Angle wrestle. Probably.

TNA Impact Wrestling September 1, 2011 Results…
Gunner defeated Rob Van Dam in a Bound for Glory match
Brian Kendrick and Jesse Sorrensen beat Kid Kash and Austin Arie
Mickie James defeated Winter to become TNA Knockouts champion
Christopher Daniels defeated AJ Styles
Kurt Angle defeated Sting

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

OFFICIAL CM Punk “Best in the World” shirt is now available at WWEShop.com!

WWE Wrestling’s Greatest Rivalries: Shawn Michaels vs. Bret Hart DVD

Randy Orton: The Evolution of a Predator DVD

Grab discounted WWE DVDs, merchandise, t -shirts, figures, and more from Amazon.com

Great Deals at WWEShop.com!

Welcome to theTNA Impact Wrestling recap for 8/25/11. As I’m sure most of you are aware, not only was Matt Hardy fired earlier this week for being arrested on a DWI charge, but Jeff Hardy is scheduled to return tonight at the taping in Huntsville, Alabama.

So, to recap, one Hardy brother gets fired for being arrested while the other one is keeping his job despite facing multiple felony drug-related charges. Apparently, the message TNA wants to get across to its wrestlers is, if you get drunk and crash your car, we will fire you immediately. If you are facing illegal drug charges, though, you’ll not only keep your job, but we’ll push you to the moon, even if you show up for your main event match stoned out of your mind. TNA: Drug-Addicted WWE Rejects Welcome!

The show starts with a recap of Kurt Angle beating up Crimson from a couple of weeks ago, as well as their confrontation from last week. It was bad enough recapping it the first time, so let’s leave it at that.

“Live” at the Impact Zone, we see Kurt Angle coming down to the ring with the Battle Dome Championship. I hope T-Money is his next challenger. Kirk Angel (your check’s in the mail, Jericho) grabs a microphone and says that he’s calling out Crimson this week. This leads to Crimson coming out with a limp. He’s actually wearing red gear this week! Amazing. Angle says that the way Crimson carried himself last week was impressive, and that means Crimson either has balls or is a complete jackass. Angle says a few months ago, Crimson was nothing more than Amazing Red’s little brother, but now he’s a somebody, and Kurt Angle says he should get credit for that. Angle says he’ll make Crimson famous tonight by not only ending his undefeated streak, but ending his career. He says that’s the price you pay for disrespecting him.

Crimson talks about how Angle nearly broke his leg two weeks ago. He says he has no problem earning Angle’s respect, and he plans to do that tonight. He reminds us that Angle says he’s going to take every young guy on the roster out, and that he should start with Crimson. Crimson goes on to say he’ll earn Angle’s respect tonight.

Hogan’s Orange Goblins begin to make their way to the ring, minus Hogan and Bischoff. Jeff Hardy must’ve been doing a line in the back and missed his cue, as he’s also absent. As a AAA fan, I hate Jeff Jarrett now more than ever.

Blubber Ray grabs a microphone now. Great. He asks if Crimson is serious, and reminds him he’s talking to Kurt frickin’ Angle. As Ray begins to list off Angle’s achievements, Angle cuts him off and tells him he can handle things himself. He says that if any member of the H.O.G.s interferes in his match tonight-especially Jarrett, they have a problem. He tells Crimson it’s time to make him famous before walking back up the ramp. Jeff Jarrett nonsensically mugs for the camera.

Earlier today, Jackie and ODB confronted Velvet Sky. Sky says she has their backs tonight. Weren’t they feuding just a couple of weeks ago? Jackie says there’s two of them, and they could take her out right now, as well as the only witness, that being the camera man. I guess she forgot the ten people watching this show.

Before the commercial break, we see a pair of feet walking around backstage. Sadly, it won’t be Dude Love this time.

The 8/16 episode of this show was apparently the highest rated episode ever in the UK and Ireland. Huzzah! They shot up to 20 viewers there!

In Bischoff’s office, he’s laying into Hogan about Ric Flair as Hogan grunts. Ric Flair is also in the room. Hogan says he’s not going to get into the ring with Sting, and isn’t happy about the stipulation that Flair made last week for his match with Sting. You know, the one that never happened? Flair says he’ll make it up to Hogan. Hogan says that, tonight, they are going to go out to the ring and make things right with Sting, and asks Flair to keep his mouth shut the entire time. Flair promises to do just that. Damn, that was exciting stuff!

Angelina Love heads to the ring for our next match. She has uber-generic music now.

MATCH 1-6-Knockouts Tag Team Match: Angelina Love, Rosita and Sarita vs. Jackie, ODB and Velvet Sky
Just when I thought Love couldn’t look any more hideous, she tops herself this week. Sarita still has thong panties on her face. Jackie and Sarita start things off with a tie-up. They trade a few moves. Sarita catches a knee and tags in Rosita. They trade some shots. Jackie tags in Sky. Sky accidentally hits Jackie with a forearm, leading to a 2 by Rosita. Sky with a jawbreaker, and she tags in ODB. Rosita tags in Sarita, but she gets tripped up by ODB. Sky back in now, and she hits some incredibly weak shots. Sarita telegraphs a back body drop, but catches a dropkick attempt and catapults Sky into a forearm by Rosita. Rosita’s back in now with some forearms and kicks. She tags Sarita back in, who bodyslams Sky and follows up with some elbows and a knee. Rosita’s back in, who hits some kicks and forearms. Sarita back in now. Sky fights out and catches a back chop. Love makes the blind tag, which pisses Rosita off for some reason. Sky kicks Love off and hits a really sloppy side uranage, leading to Rosita and Sarita to break up a pinfall attempt. ODB and Jackie cut them off outside. Love whips Sky down of a whip before hitting her really sloppy double-knee to the back of the neck. ODB and Jackie hit Love with a double suplex, leading Sky to get the pin.

WINNERS: Jackie, ODB and Velvet Sky. If you loved sloppy forearm shots and blown spots, man, was this match for you! After the match, the non-Spanish Spanish broads lay into Angelina Love. She just pushes them off. So exciting.

MATCH 2: Kid Kash vs. Jesse Sorensen
Sorensen comes out with a football and a letterman’s jacket. This isn’t a generic gimmick at all. Kash cuts Sorensen off as he climbs into the ring. Kid with some chops, but Sorensen comes back with some shots. Kash with a few more and he gets Sorensen into the ropes with some crossface shots. Kash talks some trash before picking Sorensen back up. He catches a knee and a backbreaker before hitting a release rotating suplex for 2. Kash looks for the Money Maker, but Sorensen reverses out. He catches a back body drop, a clothesline, a running knee and a nice dropkick for 2. Sorensen gets cut off with a chop. Kash goes for a side-Russian leg sweep and hits the McGillicutter for 2. Sorensen climbs up top and catches a cross body for another 2. Kash reverses a corner whip, but Sorensen rolls out and catches a roll-up. Kash keeps rolling into a pin of his own, and gets it as he holds the tights.

WINNER: Kid Kash. Meh. Kash didn’t look all that great, and there wasn’t much here to speak of. Sorensen looked alright, but I’ve seen him look better. Christy Hemme interviews Kash, who talks a bunch of trash to Sorensen, then yells at a fan. Sorensen gets in Kash’s face and they trade words. Kash pie-faces him. Leading to the indy security guards to break it up. Wait, was that a fight?

Later tonight, Blubber Ray, Johnny Bravo and “Machine Gun” Joe Viterbo will take on Beer Money and A.J. Styles in a 6-Man Falls-Count-Anywhere Match in the BFG series. God, I hate matches like this. What happens if two guys from opposite teams are get the pin at the same time? How do you determine the winner?

The Pope will also take on RVD in a BFG match tonight. I hate this match less.

We get highlights from some house shows in Georgia that featured BFG matches. Gunner picked up 7 points over Pope, and Roode got 7 over RVD. This clip is brought to you with “music” by Staind. We see the scoreboard for the series, and apparently, Devon is out with an injury now, too.

MATCH 3-BFG Series Match: D’Angelo Dinero vs. Rob Van Dam
They shake hands before tying up. RVD gets a waistlock that he turns into a side headlock. Pope picks RVD up for a back suplex and connects, but RVD holds onto the headlock. After they exchange some moves, RVD gets two of a leg scissors takedown. Pope gets his knees up on a standing moonsault, but RVD still hits a bodyslam. RVD goes for Rolling Thunder, but Pope gets his knees up again. An uppercut gets 2. Pope gets another 2 off an STO. Anyone else wonder why Pope wears very tiny kneepads on his knees, but heavy duty kneepads on his shins? Anyway, RVD reverses an Irish whip into a drop toehold, into an inverted STF. Pope gets to the ropes to break it up. Apparently, according to Mike Tenay, anyway, Samoa Joe injured Devon’s knee last week, leading to him being out of the series. RVD gets a monkey flip out of the corner. Both men back up and RVD gets in an abdominal stretch. That only works if you’re Antonio Inoki. Pope hip tosses out of it and hits a sweet-looking sweeping DDT for 2. Pope to the middle rope, and he connects with a fist drop. That one only works if you’re Jerry Lawler. Pope’s limping now. RVD pops up with a spin kick. RVD goes for a surfboard stretch, and lowers him down for a 2-count. RVD puts him back up in the stretch, and Pope gives up. Wait, what?

WINNER: Rob Van Dam, who gets 10 points for the submission. When have you ever seen a wrestler submit to that move before? Go ahead and try to think of a time when you saw it. I dare you. Van Dam is now tied with Gunner for 4th place at 45 points.

Back in the ring, Samoa Joe has come from nowhere and hits Pope with a Muscle Buster. Joe puts Pope in a leg grapevine. Devon’s kids are going nuts. Devon walks down to ringside, and has a knee brace on. His kids are begging him to go do something. He tells them to shut up and give him a chair. He takes the chair into the ring, chasing Joe off. I’m going to take a wild guess here and say that they’ll announce Pope as being injured next week, too.

Backstage, Robbie E walks up to Rob Terry. He says he’s there to save Rob Terry, and calls them “P.I.C.s”, or “partners in crimes”. He offers Terry the chance to be his personal bodyguard after insulting him. Terry says he’ll think about it. Robbie E fist-pumps the air as several of my brain cells suffocate themselves and die.

In another backstage area, Scott Steiner is screaming at Gunner and Blubber. Steiner is screaming nonsensically. Not to be outdone, Ray screams nonsensically. Steiner says, “Keep AJ in the ring, get those other subabitches outta there, and we’ll we’re goa beat up AJ.” Gunner asks what Steiner’s problem is.

Check out the full Camel Clutch Blog Pro Wrestling and MMA store for videos, t-shirts, books, and more.

In ANOTHER backstage area, Rosita and Sarita are screaming nonsensically at Angelina Love. Then they beat her up. Winter comes in and beats them up. Lots of screaming here. Winter rips the Venetian blind off the window and strangles Rosita with the cord. Anarquia and Hernandez come in to chase Winter and Love off.

We see Hogan and Flair walking towards the ring.

Another shot of those random feet. Totally not Jeff Hardy. Totally.

Back in Bischoff’s office, Traci Brooks walks in. She asks if he’s thought about what they talked about last week. He says he has and the more he thinks about it, the more he likes it. He says he’ll make the “big” decision next week in Huntsville, Alabama as he stares at her chest. He asks if they can meet somewhere after the show and get “COCKtails” (how he pronounced it). She says she has a better idea, and that they’ll have three cocktails instead.

Hogan and Flair make their way to the ring to the totally-original-and-not-an-nWo-knockoff theme song. Flair tries playing air guitar. Did you know there’s a world championship for air guitar playing? Look it up. Hogan grabs a microphone and says that the “main problem we have right now is that we’ve got a problem.” Makes perfect sense. He then calls Sting out to face the music, brother.

Sting makes his way down to the ring, making stupid Joker-esque faces. Hogan says Sting’s way too out there over the edge, and is way too much. He says things have gone too far, and that they need to end tonight. Hogan says Sting needs to look in the mirror as he is a complete wreck. If that’s not the leathery, saggy pot calling the kettle black. He says Sting’s fries are missing from his Happy Meal. No, I didn’t make that up. Apparently, Sting’s geese are flying all over the place, too. Hogan says Sting’s out of his mind, and asks if he wants the little Stingers to look up to him the same way the Hulkamaniacs look up to him. Hogan says he can’t have all the craziness going on because this is a family show. No, really. That’s what he called it. Sting laughs. Hogan says he doesn’t get it. Hogan says he’s partially to blame, and that he and Bischoff had made some mistakes. He says they’ve learned from their mistakes, and that from now on, he and Eric are going to run TNA with the most impeccable precision he’s ever seen. He says TNA will become the standard bearer on what a wrestling promotion should be. L. Ron Hubbard help us all. Hogan extends his hand for a handshake. Sting says he’ll accept on one condition. Hogan says he’ll do anything to make that happen. Sting says milk and cookies for all, balloons, colorful rainbows, unicorns and puppy dogs. He also says flowers in an effeminate voice. Sting is trying to be really funny here, but is failing miserably. Sting then hugs Hogan and kisses him.

Flair throws his jacket off menacingly, grabs the mic out of Hogan’s hand, calls sting a stupid sonofabitch and says this isn’t a game. Flair pushes Hogan off and tells him to leave him alone. He says he can give Sting crazy and does a phantom elbow drop. He says he was crazy when Sting was still sucking his mother’s t*t. That would mean that Flair started wrestling when he was around 15 or 16 years old, which wasn’t even legal back then. Flair says he’s so crazy he’s going to kick Sting’s ass so bad. Sting laughs at him. Flair tells him to laugh. Flair says he’s much crazier and has the edge because when it comes time to kill, Sting respects Flair to much to hurt him. Flair then says at that point, he’ll kicks Sting f***ing ass. So much for the family show part. Sting goes crazypants and screams in Flair’s face and says if he has to go through Flair to get to Hogan, he’ll go through Flair. Sting says he’ll start with Flair at Bound For Glory before taking off his duster and throwing it to the ring as he walks to the back. I just noticed Sting’s new t-shirt. It has a picture of his face on it, with the word “Nervous?” written at the top. Could they rip off “The Dark Knight” anymore blatantly? If anyone from TNA “creative” is reading this, that’s not a challenge, BTW.

A.J. Styles is walking down to the ring. He doesn’t have his ring jacket or pants on, which means this isn’t a match. Styles gets a microphone and addresses Christopher Daniels. He says he has an answer for Daniels, so Daniels needs to come down. Not sure what the question even was.

According to Tenay, Daniels has been begging for another match with Styles. Guess that was the question. Styles says he’s not mad at Daniels, but when he commentated last week, Styles understood but didn’t know why it had to be announced to the world. Probably to attempt to drum up interest in the match. Probably. Styles asks why Daniels needs the rematch, and why he wants or needs it so badly. Daniels says that, at the end of the night at Destination X, he still lost and had to ask himself if he had what it takes to still be in TNA the next day. He said he asked himself if it was time to walk away, and if he deserved to be in TNA anymore. Daniels came back to TNA and joined Fourtune for A.J. Daniels says he asked for the rematch not because he wanted it, but because he needs to know if it’s time to walk away from wrestling. Daniels begins some fake crying in the middle of this.

Styles gets the mic back and tells Daniels one more time. Daniels hugs him. Daniels says he’ll see Styles at No Surrender. Styles says he’ll be in the finals of the BFG series at No Surrender, so he says let’s do it next week instead. Way to throw away a match people might actually pay to see.

Beer Money Inc. comes out, so I guess it’s now time for the match.

MATCH 4-BFG Series 6-Man Falls-Count-Anywhere Match: Beer Money Inc. (Bobby Roode and James Storm) and A.J. Styles vs. Bully Ray, Gunner and Scott Steiner
No chain mail and sunglasses for Steiner. Styles and Beer Money catch Immortal on the apron. Everyone’s brawling. James Storm takes a second to drink beer. Steiner spits beer in Roode’s face. More brawling. There are three referees in this match. Abyss is watching the match from the stage. Gunner and Styles are in the ring. Gunner with some axe handles and a punch. Styles kicks him away and hits a dropkick for 2. Steiner comes in with an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Steiner with some chops on Styles. Styles kicks out of a corner whipe, and Steiner gets clotheslined by Roode. Roode with a forearm shot. He follows up with a blockbuster for 2. Blubber hits Roode with a boot. Ray gets kicked in the face by Storm on a corner charge, who hits a cross body from the top for 2. Beer Money hit a double suplex. Apparently, the stupid rule where only the guy who gets the pin gets any points is in place here. Styles hits a flip dive onto Ray from the ring to the floor. Styles is selling a knee injury now. Could be legitimate. Gunner throws Storm into part of the stage for 2. More brawling. Now we get split-screen. God, what a mess. Roode whips Steiner into a wall for 2. More split-screen. Ringside, Ray and Styles are brawling. Backstage, Gunner drops some lockers on Storm while Steiner hits Roode with a trash can elsewhere. Back in the ring, Styles hits a Superman for 2.They trade some blows. Gunner’s back in the ring now, as is Steiner. Styles tries to take them all on before Ray hits a Bully Bomb to earn the 3-count.

WINNERS: Bully Ray, Gunner and Scott Steiner. Ray gets 7 more points in this total mess.

Steiner begins getting a table out as we see Anderson driving a Hummer to ringside. He’s wearing all black, complete with cargo pants and combat boots. I guess this was who was walking around backstage, and not Jeff Hardy. At least, not this time. Anderson pushes Steiner off the apron through the table. Anderson pulls out a chain wallet and begins hitting Gunner with it. Gunner’s bleeding all over the place. Definitely a family show, Hogan. Anderson picks up Gunner and Steiner, holds their heads for Blubber to see as he makes stupid faces.

Mickie James is yelling about how mad she is about losing to Winter. Get this broad some cue cards, please. She says she’s coming after Winter next week, and that she’s going to hurt Winter and take back the Knockouts Championship.

More Eric Young “fun”. He’s still looking for Scott Baio. Who did Scott Baio piss off to get blackmailed into doing this? Young drives up to a golf course. He’s taking only the oh-so-valuable TV title with him, leaving the old world title behind. He spots Baio hitting some drives. Scott Baio sees him. Eric Young takes his shirt off, leading to a stupid chase that would cause Benny Hill to roll over in his grave. Young jumps on Baio from a tree and counts a pin for himself. We still get the “See More at ImpactWrestling.com” message on the screen. There’s MORE of this? NOOOOO!

MATCH 5-Crimson vs. World Champion Kurt Angle (non-title)
Angle appears to be weighing in at around 95 pounds. He seriously looks ill. Guess someone told Crimson it was pointless to have that name if you’re going to be blonde and wear white gear, as he’s got red gear on and a bad red dye job tonight. They start with a tie-up, but Crimson throws Angle off. They do the same spot a second time. Stupide dueling chants from the crowd, only they can’t seem to figure out what to cheer. Angle goes for a waist lock, but Crimson elbows out. Crimson throws Angle into the corner and gets in some corner shots. Back elbow off an Irish whip. Crimson locks Angle in a cravat, hits a couple of knees and lands a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Taz is still trying to convince us Angle will be in the next Olympics. Outside the ring, Crimson slams Angle into the apron before throwing him back in. Angle reverses a corner whip and hits a chop block on Crimson’s bad leg. Commercial.

Back from the break with Angle hitting a suplex for 2. Angle locks in a modified abdominal stretch. He turns this into a side headlock. Crimson tries to throw him off into an Irish whip, but Angle hangs onto the move. They do the spot again, with the same results. Crimson is successful on the third try, and connects with a jumping shoulder block, knocking them both down. Angle goes for a clothesline, but runs right into a t-bone suplex from Crimson for 2. Crimson goes for a swinging side slam, but Angle reverses into a German suplex. Crimson no-sells this and hits a really sloppy spear for 2. Angle returns the no-sell and kicks Crimson’s knee a couple of times before cinching in the ankle lock. Crimson turns it over and kicks Angle away. Angle gets back up and goes for the Angle Slam, but Crimson rolls out and hits the Red Sky for 2. Samoa Joe immediately runs in and attacks Crimson, leading to the disqualification.

WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Crimson. Well, he’s still undefeated. Big surprise.

Joe makes an angry face at the camera before staring at Kurt Angle. Angle backs off and basically tells Joe to keep doing his thing. After a couple stomps, Joe picks Crimson up on his shoulder, but Crimson fights out of it, causing Joe to run away. Was there a point to this segment?

Mike Tenay and Taz continue to talk and hype next week, which means you know something else will be happening before this show ends.

Backstage, Crimson is yelling about Samoa Joe, challenging him to a match next week. Joe runs in and slams Crimson into the wall of a trailer. He puts Crimson’s leg on the stairs to the trailer and breaks a board over it. Joe then kicks the camera man.

End of show.

As for the show, it was great…if you love lots of talking and the botching of the most basic of moves.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

OFFICIAL CM Punk “Best in the World” shirt is now available at WWEShop.com!

WWE Wrestling’s Greatest Rivalries: Shawn Michaels vs. Bret Hart DVD

Randy Orton: The Evolution of a Predator DVD

Grab discounted WWE DVDs, merchandise, t -shirts, figures, and more from Amazon.com

Great Deals at WWEShop.com!

Kurt Angle vs. Sting ended about the same way most TNA pay per view main-events do. In somewhat of a screwy finish that left more questions than answers, Kurt Angle pinned Sting to win the TNA world championship at Hardcore Justice 2011 with a little help from Hulk Hogan.

Where do I begin? Well, let me say this before I go off on a bit of a tangent here. I am certainly not a TNA Wrestling fan. It is just not my cup of tea, but more power to those that enjoy it. Yet, I don’t hate them. So please don’t take my opinion as that of a “TNA hater.” It just isn’t my thing and well, this main-event reinforced it for me.

Angle and Sting wrestled in the main-event this Sunday night. The match went about 20 minutes. It wasn’t bad, but the crowd at the Impact Zone just weren’t into the bout, making it seem a lot worse than it probably was. Sting and Angle at one point traded finishing moves and the crowd didn’t pop at all for a potential finish. They just sat there waiting as if they knew the match would end with some kind of run-in or screw job and guess what? They were correct!

Angle knocked out referee Brian Hebner with an Eziguri, a kick to the head. At that point the Impact Zone fans got up on their feet as if they were all on cue. Hulk Hogan hobbled out to the ring with a steel chair. Sting, Angle, and the referee were down when Hogan measured up Sting. Angle got up first and grabbed the chair out of Hogan’s hands. Hogan retreated, Sting turned around, and Angle clocked him. An Angle Slam later and Kurt was the new TNA world champion. Was he in cahoots with Immortal or did he just seize an opportunity? I think we all know where this one is going.

How many times have we seen identically booked swerves like this in TNA Wrestling? How many times has Kurt Angle turned heel? How many times has a babyface argued with Immortal only to join them a few weeks later? How many times has a main-event ended with a screw finish? You get the idea. Hogan, Eric Bischoff, Vince Russo, and anyone else responsible for booking this finish are working Dixie Carter like a mark at an old school carnival. It is as if these ideas are on a 30-day cycle and they go back to square one at the end of the 30 days and start again. It’s beyond ridiculous!

The thing that may bug me worse than almost anything in TNA is that they end almost all of their pay per views on a cliff hanger. Instead of the logical idea of using your television to build up pay per views so people will pay to see the pay off, they book their pay per views to leave fans hanging with hopes that they will tune into Impact. Hey, it’s their product and they can do what they want, but maybe that is why most of their shows are averaging 8-10,000 buys? The whole philosophy makes zero sense to me and is unfair to the fans who got suckered into paying to see this show.

Check out the full Camel Clutch Blog Pro Wrestling and MMA store for videos, t-shirts, books, and more.

As for Kurt Angle, I am a fan, a big fan. I still love watching him talk and wrestle, although tonight was certainly not one of his best matches. Kurt will now enjoy his fifth reign as TNA world champion, the most of any wrestler in TNA history. I honestly don’t have a big problem with it, but once again TNA falls back on the past instead of elevating new stars. Again, I like Angle so I am a little torn on this one. He is certainly a much better choice than Sting but at some point TNA has to freshen up the top.

So get ready for more of the same over the next few months TNA fans, because we are gearing up for the big Sting vs. Hulk Hogan match at Bound for Glory. I don’t get it. Hogan and Bischoff have been at it with Dixie Carter in this storyline for months. The ratings and the buyrates have fallen, yet they continue to shove this thing down their poor fan’s throats with very little end in sight.

You’d think with the kind of excitment the WWE is generating these days with their main storylines, that TNA would feel the pressure a little bit and step up their game. Nope and why should they when the guys booking this stuff have more job security than Peyton Manning.

Full TNA Wrestling Hardcore Justice 2011 results…
Brian Kendrick defeated Alex Shelley and Austin Aries in a three way match for the TNA X Division Championship
Ms. Tessmacher and Tara defeated Mexican America (Rosita and Sarita) (with Anarquia and Hernandez) in a TNA Knockout Tag Team Championship match
D’Angelo Dinero defeated Devon in the Bound for Glory Series
Winter (with Angelina Love) defeated Mickie James for the TNA Women’s Knockout Championship
Crimson defeated Rob Van Dam (with Jerry Lynn) by disqualification in the Bound for Glory Series
Fortune (A.J. Styles, Christopher Daniels, and Kazarian) defeated Immortal (Abyss, Gunner, and Scott Steiner)
Bully Ray defeated Mr. Anderson
Beer Money, Inc. (Bobby Roode and James Storm) defeated Mexican America (Anarquia and Hernandez) in a TNA World Tag Team Championship match
Kurt Angle defeated Sting for the TNA championship

OFFICIAL CM Punk “Best in the World” shirt is now available at WWEShop.com!

WWE Money in the Bank 2011 DVD

Randy Orton: The Evolution of a Predator DVD

Grab discounted WWE DVDs, merchandise, t -shirts, figures, and more from Amazon.com

Great Deals at WWEShop.com!

Once again, I’m back for your enjoyment and the Impact recap for 8-4-11. We start the show with a recap from last week for everyone who didn’t watch (i.e., practically everyone). This leads to Hogan’s Orange Goblins in the ring “live” with Blubber Ray on the microphone introducing the members of the group in case you’ve forgotten. It’s okay if you did. It’s easy to do. Did I mention the hideous plate that Jeff Jarrett has glued to the AAA Mega Championship, ruining the belt and spitting on an entire country?

Bully Ray talks about the feud between Immortal and Fourtune. He continues to ramble until Mr. Anderson cuts him off. Anderson says that, despite Ray saying there isn’t enough room for the two groups, he thinks there isn’t enough room in the ring for Anderson and Ray. He reminds us of Ray volunteering him for the match last week and then screwing him. Anderson says he hopes it was worth it, and he’s going to get Ray back. Ray reminds Anderson he lost the world title after being in Immortal for a week, then calls Anderson weak. Ray talks about all of his tag team title reign, and that he’s in charge when Hogan and Bischoff aren’t around. Genius move by those two. He says he’s going to become world champion and Anderson is a piece of dog crap on Ray’s shoe. Why is Ray walking around in dog crap? Anyway, Anderson challenges Ray to a match at Hardcore Justice. BTW, not only has Anderson ruined the word “a**hole”, but if there was any value to the word “frickin’”, it’s gone now, too. Anderson begins singing to Ray, and they come to blows.

Fortune comes out now. Kazarian calls Ray “Bully Ray Cyrus”. As funny as it doesn’t sound. Fourtune charges the ring, leading to a brawl between the groups. Fourtune of course dominates, and Storm is now selling a random back injury. Not sure how that happened, but it’s TNA Wrestling.

We learn there will BFG matches tonight, as well as Hernandez and James Storm in a street fight.

Cut to the back as Miss Tessmacher is doing some half-assed stretches. Since WRESTLING MATTERS, I think it’s fantastic we’re getting a look at one of the knockouts with the least amount of in-ring ability. Excellent stuff here. What kind of gimmick name is “Tessmacher” anyway?

Knockouts champion Mickie James is out for commentary. This should be stunning.

MATCH 1-Madison Rayne vs. Knockouts Tag Team Co-Champion Miss Tessmacher (w/Tara)
Hey, it’s my number one fan, Madison Rayne! Huzzah! James just did some horrible off-key singing on commentary. Miss Tessmacher is coming out with Tara. Anyone else notice Tessmacher’s entrance is copied move for move from Candice Michelle? Tara gets rejected from ringside by Earl Hebner. Tessy starts off with forearms and a boot to the stomach and a stinkface. Mickie James says “a$stastic”. I hate her now. Rayne back on offense with some shots and a couple of hair mares. Tenay calls that one of her special moves, despite the fact that nearly every female wrestler does that. She does her crotch thrust move on Tessy’s head, then screams at Mickie James. You know, Maddy (she likes me to call her that), I love you and all and I know we’re soul mates, but Daffney just called and wants her screaming gimmick back. Perhaps you can have Ditsy Carter include it in the settlement when Daffney sues her blind? Anyway, after the screaming bit, Tessy rolls Madison up, and gets the 3.

WINNER: Miss Tessmacher. Rayne continues to attack Tessy after the match, leading Mickie James to come down to the ring. This brings out either Angelina Love or a mop with jailhouse tattoos, I can’t tell which. They trade a few shots before Winter attacks Mickie James from behind. Love holds James up so Winter can hit her in the head with the knockouts title.

On the recent tour of Texas, D’Angelo Dinero, Bully Ray and Bobby Roode picked up more BFG series points, as did A.J. Styles and James Storm. Crimson is still in the lead with 40, while James Storm has shot up to 2nd place with 33.

MATCH 2-BFG Series Match: Devon vs. A.J. Styles
Styles starts with a waistlock and gets Devon into the corner for a break. Devon breaks out of an arm wringer. Another waistlock into a headlock by Styles. Devon breaks out and turns it into a hip toss. Styles with a dropkick for 2. Dinero sits down next to Devon’s kids at ringside. Styles gets a kick, but Devon counters with a spinning back elbow for 2. He sees Dinero and gets distracted, allowing Styles to lock in a rolling jujigatame (think Alberto Del Rio‘s finisher). Devon rolls out of the ring to break it up. Styles gets a sunset flip for 2 and tries to turn it into a Styles Clash. After they trade some shots, Devon tries for Saving Grace, but Styles counters into the Pele for 2. Christopher Daniels is now sitting on the ramp, and Styles is asking him what he’s doing. He goes for the flying forearm, but Devon sees it coming. Devon with a roll-up and gets 3.

WINNER: Devon, who gains 7 points. Not only did the wrong man go over here, but that finish was pretty weak. The two congratulate each other, then proceed to go out and yell at Dinero and Daniels. How long was that match, anyway? 2 ½ minutes? Anyway, Daniels and Styles are yelling at each other as we go to commercial with Daniels complaining about how Styles won’t talk to him.

The new “Conan” movie looks about as good as “In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale”. Just saying.

Yeah, I want to invite my friends and family to play the Impact Wrestling fantasy game. They just read my mind. That doesn’t sound sad at all. No, sir.

We get a video package for the history between Sting and Kurt Angle. I’m not recapping a recap, except that I find it funny that one of the highlights of this video is Angle nearly killing Sting with a botched 450 splash that he had no business attempting in the first place. Angle says Sting is better now than he was in 1995. Wonder if I can buy some of his high-powered hallucinogens off of him?

Backstage, D’Angelo Dinero is talking about the BFG series, then talks about the trust issues between him and Devon. Apparently, they’re wrestling at Hardcore Justice. Dinero will be defeating Samoa Joe after the commercial break.

Back from the break, and Matt Morgan is on commentary for the next match, with his arm in a sling.

MATCH 3-BFG Series Match: Samoa Joe vs. D’Angelo Dinero
I swear Joe put on 20 pounds since last week. Pope gets a punch in. Joe misses a corner charge and walks into a hip toss, a dropkick and an arm drag from Pope. Pope with an arm wringer now, and Joe throws him into the corner. He misses another charge as Pope rolls outside. Back in the ring. Pope with an inverted atomic drop and a shoulder block. Some elbows by the Pope and a double axe handle. Does a single axe handle exist? Devon begins coming down to the ring. Pope tries a whip, but Joe reverses into a powerslam attempt. Dinero slides out and tries for a roll-up, which Joe immediately turns into a Kokina Clutch. Pope taps out.

WINNER: Samoa Joe. Joe is now on the board…until referee Eric Bischoff Jr. reverses the decision after Joe refuses to let go of the hold. NEW WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: D’Angelo Dinero. Dinero gets the points now.

Backstage (man, that was fast), Joe is screaming semi-nonsensically. Joe talks about everyone in the offices wanting to kill him. I don’t think I’d want to work for people who just want to kill me. He says that they will be held responsible for his actions now.

In another area backstage, James Storm is complaining that he has tweaked his back, and doesn’t think he can do the match with Hernandez tonight. Bobby Roode offers to take his place, and Storm says okay.

In yet another backstage area, Blubber is on the phone with Hogan (apparently), complaining about how Anderson shouldn’t be a member of the H.O.G.s. Hogan is also apparently telling him he needs to apologize to Anderson.

MATCH 4-Street Fight: Hernandez (w/non-Mexicans) vs. Tag Team Co-Champion Bobby Roode (w/James Storm)
Man, Sarita’s looking disgusting with that gut. Hernandez throws Roode in the corner, but Roode reverses with some shots and a clothesline. This is a street fight, so why is Hernandez wearing his normal gear? Guess he doesn’t know the rule that you’re supposed to do street fights in your regular clothes. Fortunately, Roode does, as he’s in jeans. Roode with a plancha to the outside, followed by some chair shots. He throws a bunch of random weapons into the ring. Hernandez fights back, but not for long. Roode tries for a whip, but Hernandez reverses and whips Roode into the post. He goes for a pin on the outside and gets 2. Apparently, this is also Falls-Count-Anywhere. Glad we were informed. Hernandez gets a slingshot shoulder block. Hernandez takes off his belt, whips Roode and then chokes him a bit. Roode fights out with some punches. He tries for an Irish whip but Hernandez reverses into a standing avalanche. Hernandez gets 2 off a couple of trashcan lid shots. He throws Roode into the aluminum steel steps. Back in the ring and Roode gets in some trashcan lid shots to the head. He goes for a charge in the corner, but Hernandez gets the boot up. He backflips up onto the top rope, but gets another lid shot. Roode gets a superplex. Roode gets in a few shots with a kendo stick. He tries for a corner whip, but Hernandez reverses. Roode gets a boot in off the charge, and a second rope blockbuster for 2. Hernandez gets some shots in and a standing shoulder block. He signals for the Border Toss to the outside, but Roode reverses into the spinebuster. He goes for the fujiwara, but Rosita distracts the ref. Hernandez is bleeding. Storm and Anarquia go at it, causing Sarita to run in. She tries a kendo stick shot on Roode, which has no effect. Hernandez uses the distraction to get a roll-up in with his feet on the ropes for 3.

WINNER: Hernandez. Match #2 of the night that ends in a roll-up. This match was a mess.

Backstage, Bully Ray confronts Mr. Anderson and says he’s going to do the right thing and apologize for everything. Anderson’s not buying it, so Blubber keeps apologizing. Anderson shakes his hand, which leads to Ray kneeing him in the stomach. Didn’t see that coming a mile away.

We see Kurt Angle talking to guys in the production truck for some reason.

MATCH 5: Austin Aries vs. Alex Shelley
Love Aries’ pink sleeveless fuzzy vest. It’s awesome. Aries attacks Shelley in the corner before the bell, followed by a chop to the chest and a foot to the back of the neck over the ropes. Guillotine double axe handle by Aries, but he Shelley blocks the slingshot tope con hijo, they trade some shots before Shelley gets in a series of pin attempts. Aries misses an enziguri, and Shelley gets a la magistral for 2. Shelley with corner shops, but Aries flips out of a corner whip. Shelley with a reverse STO into the turnbuckle for 2. Aries with a mule kick, but Shelley gets a dragon screw in. He locks in a spinning inverted figure-4 style move (Charly Manson’s finisher), but Aries gets to the ropes. Shelley goes for it again, but Aries kicks him off and gets a hangman’s neckbreaker on Shelley in the ropes, sending him outside. Aries dives onto Shelley from the top and back in for 2. Aries goes for a superplex, but Shelley pushes him off and gets a thrust kick off the top, followed by a suicide dive onto the floor. Back in, Shelley goes for a top rope double-stomp, but Aries gets out. He goes for Sliced Bread #2, but Shelley reverses out into a roll-up for 2. Aries throws Shelley outside and then puts on Shelley’s ring jacket. The ref takes it away from him, but turns into a kick to the gut. He goes for Sliced Bread #2, but Aries throws him off and crotches him on the middle rope. While the ref’s back is turned, Aries kicks the middle rope, essentially a low blow. Aries locks on the brainbuster, and gets the 3.

WINNER: Austin Aries. After the match, Aries berates Shelley and continues to attack him. Brian Kendrick runs down to the ring to chase him off. Honestly, this was a good match, and a bit hard to keep track of for the recap as a result. Lots of counters and nearfalls. BTW-during the match, Mike Tenay announced that several new X-Division wrestlers would be debuting next week. I will be curious to see who they go with.

Eric Young is driving around, talking about his meeting last week, and that he’s on his way to a meeting with an acting coach named Nikki Costello. They try some lines and trade some less-than-witty banter. She asks if he’d like to be a television show host instead of an actor. Eric does all of the lines completely deadpan, and the acting coach says he’s a total waste of her time. Mine, too. Oh, and apparently, there’s a segment coming soon with Eric and Scott “Bob Lawblaw” Baio. Okay, that might actually be worth watching.

In the production truck, Angle and Bloated Ken Doll are making us watch the empty arena match from 2 years ago. I didn’t like this the first time, so I’m not recapping it the second time. Sorry. I’m sure you can look it up online if you really feel like watching it.

MATCH 6-BFG Series Match: Gunner and Scott Steiner vs. Crimson and Rob Van Dam
This is one of those stupid matches where only the guy who gets the pinfall gets any points. Hey, did you know Crimson is undefeated? Fortunately, Christy Hemme is there to remind us. Good for her. Crimson has on the very bright shade of red known as white. RVD and “Big Poppa Pump” Johnny Bravo will start off. Steiner throws RVD into the corner, but RVD counters with a leg scissors pin for 2. Steiner comes back with a clothesline and some chops and punches in the corner. Steiner tries a corner charge, but RVD jumps out of it and gets a kick. He goes to celebrate, but Steiner gets in a full-nelson slam and then spits in Crimson’s face. “Machine Gun” Joe Viterbo tags in, and after a few shots, RVD gets in a few. Gunner gets out of an arm wringer and gets some shots in in the corner. RVD gets in a kick and tags in Crimson, who hits a bodyslam and a t-bone suplex for 2. Crimson gets a knee to the back from Steiner off an Irish whip, followed by a running knee from Top Gun. Gunner with the very intense headlock now before tagging in Steiner again. Steiner with some chops in the corner and the spinning belly-to-belly for 2. Steiner gets a clothesline off an Irish whip, followed by his stupid posing elbow and push-up combo. Steiner tags Shooter McGavin back in, who gets a back suplex for 2. He goes for a second rope double axe handle, but Crimson counters it into a needlessly overcomplicated version of the reverse STO. He tags in RVD, who gets in a spin kick on Steiner, who had also tagged in. Steiner counters with an overhead belly-to-belly. He eats a leaping thrust kick from RVD, followed by Rolling Thunder for 2 before Gunner breaks it up. Crimson goes after Gunner in the ring while RVD and Steiner brawl on the outside. Crimson spears Gunner, followed by a Five-Star Frog Splash for 2. Steiner gets RVD with the reverse STO for 2. Steiner puts RVD up top, but Crimson electric chairs him. Another Five-Star on Steiner, and this one’s over.

WINNERS: Crimson and Rob Van Dam. RVD gets 7 points, and now takes 2nd place at 35 points. Christy Hemme now interviews the winners, and announces that Crimson and RVD will fight at Hardcore Justice. Crimson congratulates RVD, but says he’s winning at the PPV. It was just a thrilling interview.

We see Kurt Angle and Sting walking to the ring for an intense, exciting, action-packed…contract signing. Dear god. This is the third contract signing I’ve had to recap in just a few weeks.

And your main-event contract signing is underway. Borash is such a tool. His suit matches the company logo. Sting traded in his Versace suit for a Wal-Mart special this week. And now we see that the contract has the words “WORLD TITLE MATCH” in big letters on the front page, in case we’re all stupid. Angle says Sting is one of the few men he respects. He gives Sting a bunch of praise before saying he’s coming after Sting at the PPV, and that he’s walking out of the show with the world title. Now it’s Stinger Romero’s turn. I could be wrong, but it looks like that brand new belt is already falling apart. Sting thanks Angle for his words, and that now he feels like he’s accomplished something after 25 years. Sting then reciprocates the verbal stroking to Angle. He says no one else can do things like moonsaults off cages (except of course, you know, every other wrestler that’s ever done that move). Sting says the belt is his lifeblood, and that the company still belongs to Dixie Carter, not Hogan or Bischoff. Didn’t Dixie Carter die? Oh, that was the far more successful television star with the same name. Sting says Kurt will damn near have to kill him to get the belt.

End of show.

Aside from the X-Division match (which was quite good), this show really sucked. The knockouts match and the Styles/Devon match cumulatively lasted around 5 minutes, and the street fight was pointless hardcore that wasn’t even all that hard. TNA Bound For Glory can’t get here soon enough, as I’m getting sick of these points matches. And the final segment? Pointless verbal massaging from Sting and Kurt Angle.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

Full TNA Impact Wrestling August 4 Results
Rob Van Dam and Crimson defeated Gunner and Scott Steiner in a Bound for Glory Series Match
Austin Aries defeated Alex Shelley
Hernandez defeated Bobby Roode in a Street Fight Match
D’Angelo Dinero defeated Samoa Joe in a Bound for Glory Series Match via DQ
Devon defeated AJ Styles in a Bound for Glory Series Match
Miss Tessmacher defeated Madison Rayne

CM Punk Aftershock Authentic T-Shirt

CM Punk Uprising Authentic T-Shirt

WWE Money in the Bank 2011 DVD

Randy Orton: The Evolution of a Predator DVD

Grab discounted WWE DVDs, merchandise, t -shirts, figures, and more from Amazon.com

Great Deals at WWEShop.com!

Welcome to the 7-28 edition of the TNA Impact Wrestling recap. My last column created quite a stir. As some of you may know, my comments about Madison Rayne and her retaliation were picked up by several respected wrestling websites and writers.

Needless to say, the writers and sites all seemed to universally be behind me in what I call “RayneStorm 2011″ (Like I said on Twitter, “MadTV” fans will understand the reference). One comment in particular seemed to strike a cord with Madison Rayne‘s fans (all ten of them), and that was me calling her an atrocious human being two weeks ago. Now, that comment was more sarcastic than anything else. I realize she’s playing a character on TV and there’s probably some differences between her character and who she is in real life (although I’d still be willing to bet she’s not very pleasant; she did call me a d*ckhead and accused me of being jobless, after all). So, having said that, let me clarify what I said two weeks ago and say that she is not an atrocious human being (that I know of, anyway), but rather an atrocious TV personality and wrestler.

There. Everyone good now? Fantastic, then. Oh, and in regards to making fun of her all the time, out of respect for Camel Clutch Blog, I will dial it back just a tad and be more selective with the shots I fire out. I just hope she does the same and gives me a lack of ammunition.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, on with the show.

We start off with Kirk Angel (your check’s in the mail, Jericho) walking to the ring as Mike Tenay plays “Captain Obvious”. Angle calls out Mr. Linda Hogan, who is looking more scrawny and saggy than ever (scrawny compared to days gone by, anyway). Oh, and he’s very obviously limping. Apparently, Hogan’s been blowing up Angle’s phone for three days with some kind of offer. Angle says Immortal doesn’t impress him, and that it’s full of a$% kissers and scumbags. Angle continues to swear he’s never beaten Sting despite doing it at least twice, and says he’ll win the world title at Hardcore Justice. He asks Hogan if he knows what it’s like to be the best in the world. Hulk Hogan blatantly lies and says “yes”. Hogan talks about carrying wrestling on his barn door back. That’s all well and good, but that was nearly 30 years ago. What’s Hogan done for the business lately? Hogan continues to live in the past and talks about selling out arenas in 1984 when “Angle was still pooping in his diapers”. Angle was around 9 or 10 then, so if he was pooping in diapers, he had a serious problem. Hogan is still rambling about whatever, and gives Angle crap about not accepting Immortal‘s offer. Angle says he does respect Hogan, which is why he’s not kicking Hogan’s a$$ at the moment. That, and because Hogan’s crippled.

Angle then begins to talk about Hulkamania back in the day as well, as if Hogan needed further verbal stroking. Hogan tells Angle he’s never wrestling again, and then lists off all the surgeries he’s had. Hogan says if Angle wants to bring up Hogan’s wife and kids (which he apparently did), he’s asking for trouble. He accuses Angle of being handed the gold medals at the 1996 Olympics because of his broken freaking neck (which, BTW, never happened; Angle’s neck was fractured, never broken. If it had been broken, he’d be dead. Look it up). Hogan asks Angle what he’s trying to say, and Angle says if Hogan wants Sting taken out, why doesn’t he do it himself. He challenges Hogan to take on Sting himself. Holy L. Ron Hubbard, this can’t be happening. I don’t want to know what fans wants another Hogan/Sting match 20 years too late.

Backstage, some random tramp hands Eric Bischoff a paper from “The Network”. Since when did Cyrus the Virus start working for TNA?

We see another commercial for the Impact Wrestling fantasy game, which is supposedly one-of-a-kind. Except for, you know, all of the other fantasy wrestling games out there.

MATCH 1-BFG Series match: Gunner vs. Rob Van Dam
Doo doo doo dee doo doo. ROB VAN DAM! Doo doo doo dee doo doo. If you ever wanted to know the lyrics to RVD’s theme, there you go. Anyway, these two are two of the top guys in the BFG series. Gunner starts off with a tackle into the corner and some punches. RVD counters and gets a body scissors into a pin for 2. Gunner telegraphs a back body drop and gets kicked. RVD gets a spin kick, but gets caught a second time and powerslammed into the corner for 2. Another 2 off a back elbow. RVD gets a reverse cross body off the middle for 2, but Gunner gets 2 of his own off a clothesline. Apparently, Gunner’s now a former marine, according to Taz. Okay. RVD gets a top rope thrust kick for 2, but misses the slingshot legdrop to the outside. Back in, and RVD gets hot shotted off a springboard.

Gunner throws him back in for another 2. Gunner with stomps. RVD gets a kick in the corner, a thrust kick from the middle rope and Rolling Thunder. Gunner rolls outside and pulls RVD out, too. Guess he went to the “Cena-Orton School of No-Selling”. Gunner bodyslams RVD on the outside and throws him back in. Gunner climbs back in and gets a Tully Blanchard slingshot suplex for 2, only Tully did it better. RVD elbows out of a corner whip and goes up top, but Gunner gets a powerbomb for 2. RVD with a running spin kick into the corner, but Gunner no-sells again and gets a running knee for 2. Gunner goes for Mr. Pibb, but RVD spinning dropkicks out of it. RVD up with a Five-Star Frog Splash from way across the ring, and this one’s over.

WINNER: Rob Van Dam. Not a bad match, but I’m just not at all impressed with Gunner, nor do I understand why he’s getting pushed so hard. Oh, wait-It’s TNA. I don’t have to understand. Anyway, RVD and Gunner are now tied for 2nd place in the Blades of Glory series at 28 points a piece.

Backstage, we see Sting completing the Joker ensemble with a 3-piece suit, except it’s red instead of purple. Well, since it’s red, I guess it’s completely and utterly original, right? Right? Wrong? What? Okay.

Backstage again, Eric is scolding the members of Immortal, and is reading the letter from “The Network”. Basically, it says that, because of the success of Destination X (all 8,000 buys), they expect Eric to hire even more X-Division wrestlers and showcasing it more. I think they mean more X-Division guys will be hired then ignored. That sounds right to me. Hogan comes in and says he wants Kurt Angle destroyed. Bully Ray volunteers Mr. Anderson to do it. Anderson complains (which will lead to yet another turn by Anderson this year), but then agrees to do it. Bisch begins to read more from the letter, and the Red Scorpion appears, carrying something covered in a black blanket. He puts the something on Bischoff’s desk and talks about his suit, which he is wearing with sneakers. He talks about his great relationship with the Network, and that he is the new network executive for Impact. He says his first line of business is announcing that the Anderson/Angle match will be a cage match, and that Fourtune (which has five guys in it) will be at ringside. Yes, a lumberjack cage match. From the minds that brought us the reverse battle royal. Woot.

Back in the ring, Brian Kendrick is rambling about Austin Aries in jeans and no shoes. Alex Shelley is with him and calls Austin Aries a jackass. Aries makes his way to the ring now. Shelley begins naming off great X-Division wrestlers (and Samoa Joe) and says they built the division, and that Aries could contribute to the division but doesn’t because he cheats. Probably because he’s a heel. Probably. Shelley says Aries needs to play by the rules and calls Aries a douchebag. Aries makes fun of Kendrick for looking stupid, and I’m inclined to agree. Aries lists off everything he did to get his contract, and says that we’re playing by his rules now, and that he has only one rule-winning at all costs. He says he has a lot of five-star matches, and now wants a five-star bank account. Basically he wants to make money, which begs the question of why he’s in the company in the first place. Kendrick begins rambling again. Seriously, there’s no other way to describe his promos. I love the guy as a wrestler, but damn.

Shelley tells Aries to shove his great matches, and that we get a three-way match between them for the X-Division title at Hardcore Justice. All of a sudden, the man who absolutely screams “X-Division”, Abyss, makes his way out. He says that, despite the Network, Hogan and Bischoff call the shots. We know who to blame, Abyss. You don’t have to remind us. He says he gets a rematch for the belt, and will get it tonight. He says he’s taking the belt and killing the X-Division. When did a title belt become lethal?

Sting pops up on the big screen and says that the rematch will happen tonight, and it will be an Ultimate X match. I only see one problem with this, and his name rhymes with “Sub Miss” (Sato). Okay, so they don’t rhyme all that well. Shoot me.

Backstage with Matt Morgan and he’s telling us that he’s torn his right pec, and that he is now out of action due to the injury and out of the BFG series in the process.

We get a recap of Angle beating Jeff Jarrett to become #1 contender to the Battle Dome Championship. Now, we look at BFG matches from house shows. Bobby Roode, Bully Ray, Gunner and James Storm all picked up wins to earn points, as did Scott Steiner. Most of the wins were over Samoa Joe. Crimson is still in 1st place with 31 points. Remember him? No? You’re better off.

Crimson will be taking Blubber Ray on tonight in a series match. Ray is talking about playing “Angry Birds” and that he’s a legend. I’m inclined to agree. I’ve seen those plaques with his name on it at Old Country Buffet, so I know he’s telling the truth. They’re right next to Matt Hardy‘s plaques. Ray then talks about A.J. Styles. I guess they have a match at house show in Houston for more points. Ray says he’s going to be Styles, and follows it up by saying “okey-dokey”. Why does he say “okey-dokey”? Because he can. That’s really what he said, and that was his real explanation.

You know, if Axe Body Spray makes women want to molest mannequins, why is it still on the market?

MATCH 2-BFG Series match: Blubber Ray vs. Lance Sackless
Hey, remember that whole storyline of Crimson being Amazing Red’s younger brother? Neither does anyone in the company. Christy Hemme makes a point of telling us all Crimson is undefeated in his entrance announcement. Thanks, Christy. I had forgotten that fact in the last five minutes, despite it being repeated constantly. Ray starts off in the corner with punches and slaps. Why does Bully Ray jump with every move? I guess that’s his cardio for the day. Crimson gets a couple of gut punches in, but Ray’s a tub, so he no-sells it and gets a Mongolian chop. Ray begins attacking Crimson’s right knee, which is braced for some reason. Ray takes the brace off and begins dropping elbows, as if that brace was really doing anything. He pulls Crimson’s knee pad off and starts slapping his knee. Blubber Ray then does JBL’s hand gesture complete with cow moo. Racists stick together. Ray setts up for the Bully Bomb. Crimson elbows out of it, hits Red Sky, and this is over.

WINNER: Crimson. Crimson is still undefeated, despite being completely squashed in this awful, awful match. I just can’t be objective here-this match SUCKED. Crimson gets another 7 points, putting him at 38.

Up next, we get Winter vs. Tara. Apparently, Santa read my wish list this year.

Backstage (How many times do I have to tell you, WRESTLING MATTERS, DAMMIT!), Eric Bischoff is on the phone with someone, trying to get the Network on the phone. That’s about it.

In another part of the backstage area, my #1 fan and bestest friend in the history of ever anything Madison Rayne is walking around, talking about how she’ll be at ringside for this next match. Sting jumps in front of her, still packing around the thing in the blanket. Madison screams. Best. Segment. EVER.

Check out the full Camel Clutch Blog Pro Wrestling and MMA store for videos, t-shirts, books, and more.

MATCH 3-Winter (w/Walking Stick) vs. Knockouts Tag Team Co-Champion Tara (w/Miss Tessmacher)
You know, ever since Winter got canned like a tuna from WWE, she appears to be getting more pale by the day. On the plus side, it compliments Angelina Love‘s anorexic look very nicely. Tara’s doing the fake lesbian kiss with Tessy now. Great. I do like Tessy’s outfit, though. Earl Hebner ejects both the other knockouts from ringside. In the ring, Tara’s slamming Winter’s head into everything. Roll-up with bridge gets 2. Winter gets out and shoulders Tara in the ring. Tara reverses a corner charge into Tajiri’s Tarantula, but Winter gets out and gets in a hot shot. Tara slams Winter’s head into the turnbuckle, but misses the Arabian facebuster. Winter gets a reverse neck whip in the ropes for 2. Now, she has a double chicken wing on Tara that Tenay incorrectly calls a surfboard. Tara goes for a corner whip, but Winter slides into it and gets a clothesline for 2.Backbreaker by Winter for 2. Winter mounts Tara, which isn’t as exciting as it sounds. They trade punches. Tara with clotheslines, a bodyslam and a botched standing moonsault that Taz calls beautiful. Tara tries for the Widow’s Peak, but slides out of it and gets a big boot. Winter goes for her horrible swinging side slam, but Tara gets out. Somehow, Earl Hebner gets kicked in the process, which allows Winter to hit a low blow. Kind of pointless on a woman, isn’t it? She gets the swinging side slam into a backbreaker, botches it heavily because she’s not strong enough, and gets the win.

WINNER: Winter. I’m disappointed my most favoritest wrestler in the ever Madison Rayne went back on her word and didn’t come out. Gonna have to have a talk with her about honesty. I guess she hasn’t seen any of those great after school specials. She could at least watch an episode of “Full House” or “Family Matters” once in a while. Geez.

MATCH 4-Ultimate X Match for the X-Division Championship: Abyss vs. Brian Kendrick
A friend of mine had a tryout with TNA last year. He told me that Abyss has specially designed boots to make him look much taller than he actually is, and that he’s only around 6 or 6’2″. Random thought for you there. You know, while the concept of the Ultimate X match isn’t bad, why couldn’t someone just grab a ladder and get the X/belt down? It’s a no-rules match, after all. Anyway. Kendrick tries a whip but Abyss reverses. He misses a corner charge and gets a kick and some punches. Abyss misses a boot. Kendrick gets a single-leg dropkick in, but Abyss knocks him down. Abyss actually tries jumping up to grab the belt before trying to climb the corner. Apparently, he’s afraid of heights. That, and I’m not sure the cables will hold him. Kendrick goes for a tornado DDT, but Abyss throws him out of it and catches a big boot. Abyss is trying to figure out how to get the belt. Again, ever think of a ladder? Abyss is now trying to tear the Ultimate X structure down. Kendrick knocks him down with a suicide dive and gets in some kicks on the outside. Kendrick catches the tornado DDT in the ring the second time, now he’s climbing up. Kendrick shimmies towards the belt, but Abyss pulls him down, followed by another clothesline.

God, Abyss has put on weight since the early TNA days. Guess there are no gyms in his little corner of Parts Unknown. Abyss misses a corner charge, and Kendrick counters with Sliced Bread #2. He climbs up and shimmies towards the belt again. He nearly gets it, but Abyss pulls him back down and gets an avalanche in the corner, followed by a chop. Another avalanche by Abyss, and he’s calling for the chokeslam. You know, because every guy announced as 6’8″ or over HAS to do a chokeslam. It’s a rule. He lifts Kendrick up, but Kendrick grabs the belt in the process, unhooks it and pulls it down with him. Admittedly, that was a cool spot.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Brian Kendrick. Not a great match, but like I said, the finish was actually pretty cool.

Backstage (Do I even need to say it?), Velvet Sky is talking to a big-jugged scarecrow called Traci Brooks. They’re yelling about calling the cops or something. I used to think. You know, I used to think Traci was hot. What the hell happened to her?

We get some bizarre skit with Eric Young. He’s talking to David Hasselhoff’s agent. Eric actually points out the TV title belt is missing jewels. I’m not sure what’s going on here. Young strips down to his underwear, then puts his clothes back on. The agent tells Young to find an acting coach. Apparently, we can see more of this on ImpactWrestling.com. Thank you, no.

Traci and Velvet are in the ring, inviting ODB and Jackie to the ring. They do. ODB appears to be on boobjob #127. Traci shows her lack of acting skills by smiling blankly while talking about how she invented the knockouts division. She says she didn’t complain about being fired like the other two have. ODB says “You should’ve”. Traci says they should be glad Velvet didn’t press criminal charges last week, and this all ends tonight. ODB says she’ll be happy to end it after putting her foot up Velvet’s “plastic, Barbie Doll ass”. The pot and the kettle, my friends. ODB says the division has turned into a “Hooters Invitational”, and she’s right. Velvet talks about her rough life in Hartford, CT. Um…isn’t that basically the suburbs? She talks about getting picked on in high school and blah, blah, blah. You know, Velvet, if this is how you acted in high school, I can’t blame the other people for picking on you (not that I believe the story). She says being in the knockouts division is the greatest gift she’s ever received. I’d hate to see her other gifts. She says she doesn’t owe anyone an apology, but she also doesn’t blame ODB and Jackie for being mad. She then says they should just ask for their jobs back instead of whining. Velvet says they can keep fighting, but she’s done being anyone’s punching bag. She leaves then leaves the ring. Pointless segment for a pointless feud. You know, if you want to get the knockouts division over as a serious division, perhaps the focal point of the division should more than eye candy (Velvet). Just a thought.

We see the 5-Man Fortune talking about being the lumberjacks in the main event tonight. Daniels pulls A.J. aside and asks him if he had a chance to think about what Daniels said (which we still don’t know). A.J. Styles asks if he’s serious before Sting barges in with his magical package of mystery. A.J. asks him what’s in the cage. Sting asks how he knew it was a cage. Probably by the sound. Probably. Sting says it’s a present for Eric Bischoff, and he’s going to give it to Eric right now.

MATCH 5-Steel Cage Lumberjack Match: Mr. Anderson vs. Kurt Angle
You know something, TNA? If you want to be taken seriously as a wrestling company, here’s a tip: Quit trying to invent the most pointless match concepts known to man. Just because you’ve come up with a new match idea doesn’t mean it’s always good to actually put it into practice. In some cases, such as this, there’s a reason other companies haven’t done it-because IT’S POINTLESS! Okay, I’m done. We learn that this match can be won by pinfall, submission or escaping the cage. I already ranted about how cage matches should be pinfall/submission OR escape in my last DVD recap, so I won’t complain more about it here. Commercial.

I’d really love to hurt the people behind Education Connection’s ad campaign. Just saying.

Before we actually get to the main event, we get yet ANOTHER backstage Eric Bischoff segment. He’s demanding someone on the phone put “Him” on the phone. Jesus? Apparently, Him answers the phone, and Bischoff is throwing a fit about Sting being the network executive. Him tells Bischoff he hasn’t talked to Sting in weeks. This leads Sting to come into the office with his cloth-covered cage. Sting talks about stuff bottled up inside him during the entire show. He says he knows the truth will set him free, and that he’s not actually a network executive, and that he made everything up, effectively killing the angle in less than 2 hours. According to Sting, putting on a nice suit gets people to respect you. He then takes the cloth off the cage and a giant bird flies out and lands on Eric’s computer monitor. He leaves before mentioning he’s locking the door. If you’re confused, then you’ve been paying attention.

We’re finally to the match, and Anderson is “really taking it” to Kurt Angle after one successful corner whip (Taz’s words). After a clothesline, Anderson gets in a rear chinlock. Angle arm drags out of it and catches a couple punches, but Anderson gets a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Anderson’s making the “money” signal as the crowd chants “You Sold Out”. I’m not even going to begin how stupid this chant is. Suplex by Anderson gets another 2. He then capitalizes with…another chinlock. This cage match is brutality at it’s most brutal, chico. Angle with a back suplex. They trade some punches, and Angle with an, um double eye-poke, maybe? It looked terrible. Angle with a belly-to-belly, but Anderson gets back on offense with a rolling fireman’s carry slam. He goes for the Mic Check, but Angle channels a dead guy and hits several German suplexes for 2. Ankle lock attempt, but Anderson rolls through into a victory roll for 2. Angle tries for more German suplexes, but Anderson throws him into the cage and catches the Mic Check for 2. Fourtune has been integral to this match, let me tell you. Anderson tries to escape through the cage door, but Angle gets the ankle lock on again. Anderson kicks his way out of it and drops Angle with a clothesline. Now he’s trying to climb out of the cage. Angle runs after him and catches a botched Angle Slam from the top rope for 2.

Hogan’s Orange Goblins run down to ringside, and Fourtune fights them off. Now Mexican-America runs down to fight Beer Money Inc. off. Blubber Ray comes in from the crowd and hides by the ring apron. He grabs Angle’s tights through the camera hold in the cage, which allows Anderson to attack him from behind. He gets a few stomps in before demanding Blubber to get him a chair. Blubber opens the door to give Anderson the chair, but refuses to let go because Anderson apparently called him “sweetheart”. Blubber finally does once Angle’s behind Anderson, which causes Anderson to fall back into the Angle Slam for the 3.

WINNER: Kurt Angle. Anderson’s head looks like it may have hit the chair on the landing, but I’m not sure. Anyway, the lights go out, and when they come back on, Sting’s in the ring. He congratulates Angle and says “Just ten more days”.

End of show.

The highlight of the show was the X-Division title match, which really was only good for the (surprisingly) creative ending. The rest of the show just sucked, and having the main event inside a cage was pointless. It seriously was only used as a weapon once, and really doesn’t do much good in the way of keeping wrestlers out when Blubber Ray just casually opens the door without the refs even attempting to stop him. As for the Sting angle, they literally started a new twist and then killed it in less than 2 hours.

Before I end this week’s recap, I personally would like to welcome a new writer to Camel Clutch, my friend and former writer for thewrestlingfan.com Malcolm “Not in the Middle” Spinedi (www.twitter.com/NotintheMiddle), who will be joining the site as the new WWE NXT recapper. Malcolm is a great writer with a sense of humor. If you enjoy my work, I think you’ll enjoy his as well.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com, where I have plenty of new stuff up, including a look at my tattoo collection and my new weekly installment, “Hot Chick in Tall Socks of the Week”. Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

Full TNA Impact Wrestling July 28 Results
Kurt Angle defeated Mr. Anderson in a Steel Cage Match
Brian Kendrick defeated Abyss in an Ultimate X Match
Winter defeated Tara
Rob Van Dam defeated Gunner in a Bound for Glory Series Match
Crimson defeated Bully Ray in a Bound for Glory Series Match

CM Punk Aftershock Authentic T-Shirt

CM Punk Uprising Authentic T-Shirt

WWE Money in the Bank 2011 DVD

Randy Orton: The Evolution of a Predator DVD

Grab discounted WWE DVDs, merchandise, t -shirts, figures, and more from Amazon.com

Great Deals at WWEShop.com!

We are just a few nights removed from “Destination X“, a PPV that was, according to most reports, an overall decent show. That being said, it’s only a matter of weeks before TNA goes back to their formula of charging people for overbooked messes full of needless gimmick matches. Now, without further Apu, we learn Sting will be facing Mr. Anderson for the world title tonight in a “Midsummer’s Nightmare” match, whatever the hell that it is.

Once again, because “Wrestling Matters”, we open the show with the Orange Goblins in their full glory (minus Flair, Fatt & Meth Hardly, and Murphy), complete with tuxes. Abyss‘ looks like he fished it out of the dumpster. They’re also accompanied by random tramps. We see that there is a poker table and a chair in the ring for some reason. Eric Bischoff tells us they plan on gambling with someone’s career tonight. Isn’t that what TNA does every week? Bischoff talks about how Mr. Anderson threw himself a party that no one showed up to a couple weeks ago, and actually used the words “premature epartylation”. You read that right. Bischoff also says that tonight, Anderson will be officially christened into Immortal.

Anderson comes out in a tux covered in hunting camo. Apparently, Mr. Anderson is now a white trash hick. Hollywood Brooke Hogan tells Anderson that they both have always strived to be the best. To quote Phoenix Wright, “Objection!” Anderson tells Hogan that, as long as he remains the top guy in TNA Wrestling (he used the phrase “Ace of frickin’ Spades), joining Immortal is a gamble he’s willing to take.

The lights go out, and Stinger Romero (younger readers might need to look that one up) is in the ring at the poker table. Sting and Bischoff accuse each other of being cancer to the company, and Bischoff says Anderson will eliminate the cancer tonight. Sting asks to make a bet, and says he will win the belt and bring the company back to Dixie Carter (God help us). Hulk Hogan gets in Sting’s face and threatens to beat him up and have him taken out on a stretcher. Sting, understandably so, laughs at this notion. Sting reminds Bisch and Hulk that “The Network” has told both of them they are on a short leash, and that if they don’t keep things in check, there’s someone around with more power than Sting that can do something about it. Didn’t we already have this angle 2 months ago? Sting says some magic Aces that he has up his sleeve will appear tonight to back him up. He points to the rafters, and there’s a bunch of dudes in Joker henchman masks, causing Heath Ledger to roll over further in his grave and give Christopher Nolan an aneurism. The lights go out, and Sting is gone.

Taz and Tenay look at the BFG series, but there’s no new info.

MATCH 1- BFG Series Three-Way Match: D’Angelo Dinero vs. Bobby Roode vs. Samoa Joe
The story with this match is that none of the three have any points on the board thus far. Is it just me, or does Joe look like he’s ballooned up in the last few years? I realize the guy is Samoan and they are naturally big people, but you know what? The Rock, the Usos and Sonny Siaki (remember him?) are all Samoan as well and are either trim and/or muscular, so don’t tell me it’s impossible for Joe to get into shape. Anyway, Joe throws Pope out of the ring and kicks Roode in the head in the corner. Roode fires back, STILL selling the shoulder, but Joe answers with a powerslam for 2 followed by a jujigatame that Pope breaks up. Joe and Roode trade shots, but Roode hits an OVW spinebuster, only to turn around into an STO by Pope for 2. Why does Pope have knee pads on both his shins AND knees? Roode breaks out of an arm wringer on the bad shoulder, but eats an uppercut for 2 by Pope. Pope hits a cool-looking leg-hook DDT for another 2, followed by a Lawler fist drop for another nearfall. Every time Joe tries to get back in the ring, Pope kicks him back out. Pope tries for the DDE, but Roode hits a series of clotheslines, an inverted atomic drop and a side-Russian leg sweep (Joe is still outside). Roode gets 2 off a middle rope blockbuster. Roode gets Pope up for a superplex, but Joe finally contributes to the match and sets Pope up for a Muscle Buster. Roode breaks it up and hits the Payoff on Joe for 2. Joe tries for the Kokina Clutch on Roode, but Roode climbs the turnbuckles and rolls over to get the pin on Joe (think Piper/Hart from ‘Mania VII or Austin/Hart from Survivor Series 96).

WINNER: Bobby Roode. Roode finally gets on the board with 7 points, while Samoa Joe‘s complete and utter burial continues. As for Pope, well, when was the last time he did anything?

We see the King of the Roach Motel Vending Machine and his wife backstage, supposedly returning from Mexico. You can tell they were really returning from Mexico at that exact moment because they have sombreros pointlessly strapped to their luggage.

In Hogan’s office, he’s telling the rest of Those Guys Who Can’t Die that they need to more or less murder Sting tonight. Good thing Sting’s already playing a dead guy, huh? Bischoff then lays into Abyss for losing the X-Division title to Spanky. Jeff and Karen Diet Shasta Orange enter the office. This name also works because of Hogan’s skin color. Jeff pulls out a briefcase and reveals the AAA Mega Championship belt, which he has covered with a ridiculous-looking silver plate. For those that don’t know, Jeff Jarrett won the belt a few weeks back. Now, the belt was already ugly, but Jarrett somehow made it worse.

We see Pope talking to Devon’s kids in the back, which causes Devon to run up to them and to not talk to Pope anymore. Does Devon think Pope has a white van full of candy outside or something? Devon tells Pope to stay away from his kids and calls him a two-bit con. Pope makes the argument that Devon needs to trust him, especially after Pope handed him 7 points in the BFG series last week. Devon more or less calls him stupid for this, and I’m inclined to agree.

Ooh, TNA is releasing “Immortal Forever” on DVD next Tuesday. Because, you know, an angle that’s only about a year old needs its own DVD. We then get a video package highlighting “Destination X” set to some atrociously bad rap music. I can’t stand this music anymore, so I fast-forward the DVR.

MATCH 2 – Austin Aries vs. Shannon Moops
I admit, I stole that name for Shannon from another TNA recapper, but it’s a good name and I’m a “Seinfeld” fan. Aries won the TNA contract at “Destination X”, making him the company’s newest wrestler who will get mistreated. Just hope they don’t make him start calling himself “Austin Starr” again. Aries with a shoulderblock, and Moore answers with an inverted atomic drop and a sloppy spinning heel kick that lands nowhere near Aries’ “yam bag”, despite what Taz would tell you. Shannon with a roll-up out of the corner for 2, followed by a moonsault for another 2. Aries flips Moore out of a backslide attempt and goes for the brainbuster. A series of reversals sends Aries outside, who skins the cat. Moore breaks that up with a dropkick and hits a very slow somersault plancha to the outside. Moore is overrated. Moore hits a version of Whisper in the Wind for 2. Aries goes for the book of DILLIGAF (ugh), which the ref gets away after Shannon grabs it. Aries grabs a chain that was in the corner for some reason (I think it was attached to the book) and clocks Moore with it behind the ref’s back. Aries hits a slingshot corkscrew splash, and gets the 3.

WINNER: Austin Aries. Good to see Aries wrestling, as the rumor was his getting rejected for “Tough Enough” caused him to contemplate retirement. Alex Shelley comes in and gets mad at Aries for using a chain in his match. This would be fine, except there is no backstory here (at least, not in this company, aside from a 3 week stint where they were in a group with Roderick Strong). So-so match, but incredibly short.

Backstage, Abyss is yelling about Spanky stealing his title. Meanwhile a member of Sting’s Police (Get it? No? Damn kids with your Werther’s Originals) is hovering around unbeknownst to Prince Justice, while swinging a bat. Abyss turns around and takes a bat shot to the midsection before the Killer Klown From Outer Space runs away.

We get yet ANOTHER backstage segment with Moops and Alex Shelley complaining about A-Double. Again, there’s no story here. This cuts away to Aries himself, and he basically tells everyone how great he is and that he can beat anyone.

We learn Not-Victoria will be taking on Spelling Bee Champion Madison Rayne tonight. I, for one, am thrilled. This leads to an atrocious promo from an atrocious human being in Rayne. And what does this lead to? A whiny promo from Tara, who has a present for Rayne in her hand, which she says Rayne will get after the match.

Backstage (Wrestling Matters!), and Steiner is asking SoCal Val if she wants to see his bare arm. She then does what she knows best, and stares blankly before screaming because another Killer Klown is behind “Big Puppa Pup”. Steiner takes some shots with the bat, and this clown also runs off.

MATCH 3 – Tara vs. Madison
The “King of Queens” (Listen to her music and tell me I’m wrong) is out first. Tara comes out next. A little trivia-Tara’s awful theme is sung by former TNA employee Goldylocks. Don’t remember her? Consider yourself lucky. Tara puts the package she had earlier in the corner before the match starts. Rayne is asking Tara to lay down. I didn’t know they were still doing the pseudo-lesbian gimmick. Oh, she wants Tara to lay down to intentionally get pinned. Got it. Tara with a bodyslam and a standing moonsault. Tara’s looking a little chunky tonight. Madison is screaming. Okay, Daffney is the only woman who should do the screaming bit. Not Melina, and certainly not Madison Rayne. Rayne goes for the Rayne Drop, but Tara gets out and lands a clothesline. Tara connects with the Spider’s Web, but Rayne reverses out of the Widow’s Peak and connects with a lame kick. More screaming. Tara gets kicked off the apron after a series of corner reversals, and takes a really weak Irish whip into the stairs. Madison needs some dental surgery. She grabs the box in an overly dramatic fashion and opens it up. Surprise, it’s Tara’s pet tarantula. Rayne freaks out and turns into the Widow’s Peak for 3.

WINNER: The chick who was suspected of insurance fraud. Tara takes out the tarantula and scares Rayne out of the ring with it (who, by the way, had to completely no-sell the effects of the Peak to make this happen).

We see Kurt Angle in the back, walking. Man, this show is thrilling!

Backstage (Wrestling MATTERS!!!!), we see Magnus and Douglas Williams talking about their match with New Mexico next. The Brits have some fancy new jackets, too.

Check out the full Camel Clutch Blog Pro Wrestling and MMA store for videos, t-shirts, books, and more.

Angle comes out to his Don Henley rip-off music, and he’s got a bizarre smile on his face. Mr. Endgame talks about how he’s the #1 contender to the Battle Dome championship, and he will get that shot in August at “Hardcore Justice”. Guess they’re keeping the ‘core’ part. He says he’d rather face Anderson than Sting, but that he’s coming after Anderson whether he wins or loses tonight. Angle talks about his history with Sting, including the empty arena match, which he says fans tell him is the greatest match they ever saw. I’d like to find these fans and kick them in square in the nuts. Angle says he will be watching the main event tonight, and will walk out of the next PPV as Impact Wrestling World Champion. Until they remove the letters “TNA” from those belts, they are TNA championships. Sorry.

Can you guess where the next segment takes place? Go ahead. Guess. Backstage! You got it. We see the Jarrett leaving, with Karen carrying all the luggage. She opens the trunk of the SUV to find another clown hiding out. He hits Jeff with a bat (after Jeff tried to block it with his title belt briefcase. Nice treatment of the belt). The clown chokes Jeff out with the bat and drags him off somewhere. Karen spent the segment screaming and running away, in case you didn’t get enough of ugly women who can’t act screaming already.
Jeff Hardy is in the new series of TNA figures. I can’t imagine they’re regretting that decision.

No, please no. TNA, STOP giving Hernandez a microphone! You sent the guy to AAA to learn Spanish to cut promos like Rey Mysterio, and guess what? He STILL can’t speak the language! Anarquia proceeds to just yell in his obnoxious voice while half the crowd can’t even see what’s going on thanks to the Mexican flag.

MATCH 4 – Winners become the #1 contender for the World Tag Team titles: Mexican-America (California and Texas) vs. The British Invasion (Magnus and Douglas Williams)
Magnus starts off with Anarquia. Double arm-wringer into a straightjacket drop by the Brits gets 2. Williams in now, and he too is looking chubby. Anarquia eats some chops and headbutts. Blind tag to Hernandez who hits a slingshot shoulder tackle, followed by an over-the-shoulder backbreaker that he turns into a drop for 2. Anarquia is back in and botches a simple kick to Williams. Where did they find this guy, XPW? Williams has got a little cut on his head. Anarquia hotshots Williams onto the top rope, and he and Hernandez do Haas and Benjamin’s leapfrog move. Williams tags in Magnus, who drops Anarquia with a boot and a back elbow. He hits Hernandez with a reverse direction elbow, followed by a Michinoku driver #2 on Anarquia for 2. Elbow off the top on Anarquia for another 2. The Brits hit a hoisted European uppercut move, but the ref gets distracted by Rosita, who just ran down. Hernandez drops an elbow on Magnus while he is trying to get the pin, and rolls Anarquia over in time for the ref to count 3.

WINNERS AND NEW #1 CONTENDERS: Hernandez and the other guy. I’m no fan of Magnus, but he had to sell a pinfall off an elbow? When was the last time that was a believable finish? 1988?

In Bischoff’s office, and he’s with Tom Cruise and Blubber Ray. He tells them not to let him down. Tom says he’s the hunter and not the hunted, and that they need to go find the rest of the clown guys. Blubber says he’s with him, and they proceed to walk out. However, Blubber stays behind and blows Tom off. Gee, I wonder what will happen next?

Next week, Alex Shelley will be getting his shot at Brian Kendrick‘s X-Division title, as well as Mickie James and Velvet Sky in a Knockouts title match, A BFG series match between Steiner and RVD, and a BFG series four-way ladder match between A.J. Styles, Samoa Joe, Matt Morgan and that guy from “Cocktail” with the winner scoring 10 points.

In case we didn’t see the first time, they’re showing all of the members of Immortal who got attacked by clowns yet again.

Backstage yet again, and Gunner‘s looking for the clowns with a pipe. All four of them come out with their bats. They proceed to beat the hell out of him. This is like a scene from “The Warriors”, but if that movie sucked really badly. The guys take the masks off, and it’s Kazarian, James Storm, Christopher Daniels and A.J. Styles. How ‘bout that X-Division, huh?

MATCH 5- Match for the World Championship: Sting vs. World Champion Mr. Anderson
I bet Anderson’s dad totally owns a dealership (again, kudos to the five or so of you that get that). Anderson looks high right now. He asks for the mic, but it swings wildly all over the place. He grabs it, but immediately throws it away. I’m sure there was a point to that, but I’ll be damned if I know what it was. I guess a “Midsummer’s Nightmare” Match is the same as a regular one, because it hasn’t been mentioned during the actual main event and this match is your standard fare thus far. Sting no-sells a bunch of punches, and gets some shots in in the corner, knocking Anderson to the floor. Inverted atomic drop and a dropkick by Sting. Tenay actually says this about Sting’s dropkick-”Damn, that’s impressive.” Never mind that it wasn’t, and that Sting’s thrown 10,000 dropkicks in his career. Sting connects with a Stinger Splash, but gets a dropkick to the knee on a second attempt. Anderson’s targeting the leg now with punches and kneedrops. Anderson goes for the Scorpion Deathlock and gets it on (he’s not applying it correctly, though). Sting gets to the ropes for the break. Anderson continues to attack the knee and gets 2. Anderson locks in an elevated single-leg Boston crab, but Sting kicks out of it with the other leg. Some punches and chops by Sting now, followed by some clotheslines. Sting botches a hotshot, and hits Anderson with a Mic Check-better than Anderson does it himself, I might add-for 2. Anderson gets Sting up on his shoulders, but referee Brian Hebner catches Sting’s feet in his face. Sting gets out and shoves Anderson into Hebner. He locks on the Death Lock and Anderson taps, but the ref is down outside. Blubber is in, and he lightly taps Sting on the head to break up the submission. He takes off his needlessly large wallet chain-which he was wearing with his tux, for some reason. Anderson holds Sting up for a shot by Blubber, but the lights go out. Back on, and now in the ring is another clown, who takes out Blubber. The lights go out again, and when they come back on, Sting and the clown are gone. We see the clown up on the ramp. Sting runs in from ringside, hits the Scorpion Death Drop, and the ref conveniently gains consciousness in time to count the 3.

WINNER AND NEW WORLD CHAMPION: Sting. After the match, the clown pulls off his mask to reveal himself to be Kurt Angle, and Sting looks surprised.

End of show.

So, TNA goes from an at least passable episode last week to an atrocious mess of a wrestling broadcast this week. The clown angle was totally ridiculous, and while Immortal ended up looking like a bunch of losers, TNA will forget that in a couple of weeks. They did the same thing when Crimson started taking Immortal out, only for the angle to be dropped with no explanation. The same thing will happen here at some point.

Full TNA Impact Wrestling July 14 Results
Sting defeated Mr. Anderson to win the TNA world championship
Bobby Roode defeated Samoa Joe and “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero in a Bound For Glory Series Match
Mexican America (Hernandez and Anarquia) defeated The British Invasion (Douglas Williams and Magnus)
Austin Aries defeated Shannon Moore
Tara defeated Madison Rayne

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (I need to get more posted on there, I know). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

CM Punk Uprising Authentic T-Shirt

WWE Money in the Bank 2011 DVD

WWE: The Greatest Cage Matches of All Time

Brock Lesnar’s autobiography – Death Clutch: My Story of Determination, Domination, and Survival

Grab discounted WWE DVDs, merchandise, t -shirts, figures, and more from the WWE Shop on Amazon.com

Great Deals at WWEShop.com!

For no other apparent reason other than to get TNA Wrestling fans’ minds off how much better the X Division is after Destination X, TNA changed a major championship at the Midsummer’s Nightmare Impact taping on Monday.

Be warned, you are about to read TNA Impact spoilers for the July 14 episode. Stop reading now if you wish to remain surprised. Okay, you have been warned.

For reasons that I am still scratching my head trying to figure out, Sting regained the TNA world championship from Mr. Anderson this past Monday night at the Impact Wrestling taping. The heavily promoted championship match will headline a jam-packed Impact episode to air this Thursday and set up TNA’s next big event, Hardcore Justice.

According to several reports the taping opened up with Immortal officially welcoming Ken Anderson into their club. Sting interrupted the party and had another confrontation with Eric Bischoff. Who would have guessed? Bischoff asked Sting to take a bet on who would win the main-event between Sting and Anderson. Sting promised that he had backup tonight, four friends in clown makeup that would watch his back.

It doesn’t get much more riveting than that does it? Guess again.

I read several reports about the main-event and it was really hard to get a feel on whether it was a good or bad match. So in that respect, you’ll have to tune in and judge for yourself. According to reports both guys used the other’s finisher in the match. Bully Ray interfered after a referee bump, the lights went out, and a clown clobbered Ray and Anderson with a bat. One Scorpion Death Drop later and Sting is the new TNA champion for a fourth time.

Check out the full Camel Clutch Blog Pro Wrestling and MMA store for videos, t-shirts, books, and more.

Normally I would rant about why it makes little sense to have Sting drop the title and win it back so fast on free television. However, I am not a big Ken Anderson fan at all so the idea that I don’t have to see headline pay per views for the next few months as champion makes this a win-win for me. I don’t know what it is but I just don’t get his appeal whatsoever.

Sting on the other hand is a mixed bag. On one hand you know you are getting a slower, older Sting in 2011. I would love to see the company go with a younger, more athletic champion that could excite the crowd and maybe give those Cena haters a reason to get on the TNA bandwagon. On the other hand he has been fun to watch his new character and adds a new twist to his matches. I just don’t know how you can expect fans to pay $45 to watch a 52-year old wrestler who looks like he is wrestling with rocks in his boots when you have so many more talented wrestlers underneath who get a fraction of his face time.

Sting is now tied with Kurt Angle for the most number of TNA championship reigns. In a move that probably isn’t coincidence, the title change comes a few weeks before Kurt Angle will challenge for the title. Sting vs. Kurt Angle will headline TNA Hardcore Justice on August 7 from the Impact Zone.

I haven’t seen a bad Kurt Angle match in a long time but he is going to have his hands full on August 7. Angle wouldn’t have had a problem getting a great match out of Anderson but there is only so much you can do with Sting’s physical limitations. Maybe with the Hardcore Justice name they throw in a couple of stipulations to take the pressure off of them wrestling a straight match for 20 something minutes? Maybe they change the title back before the pay per view?

One thing I can guarantee is that these guys have their hands full if they plan on topping the main-event I just watched from Destination X.

WWE Money in the Bank 2011 DVD

WWE: The Greatest Cage Matches of All Time

Brock Lesnar’s autobiography – Death Clutch: My Story of Determination, Domination, and Survival

Grab discounted WWE DVDs, merchandise, t -shirts, figures, and more from the WWE Shop on Amazon.com

Great Deals at WWEShop.com!

 

 

Welcome back everyone, to the televised train wreck we all know as Impact Wrestling. We start the show with Blubber Ray, Top Gun and Johnny Bravo in the ring. Bully Ray is calling out Mr. Anderson to the ring right now, but first, we have to deal with Anderson’s stupid microphone shtick first.

You know, I’m glad TNA did away with the Jeff Hardy title belt, but the replacement looks like one of those plastic replicas you get in the toy aisle at Target. Ray calls Anderson a jag-off and tells him to shut up for once a life, and threatens Anderson’s life by sicking Gunner on him.

Ooh. Apparently, Hogan is off for the night, so that somehow leaves Blubber Ray in charge. He tells Anderson he can’t beat Sting, and Anderson needs Immortal as much as Immortal needs him. Not at all? Ray then offers to sell the Brooklyn Bridge that he doesn’t own. Ooh! Steiner promo now. Steiner accuses Anderson of screwing Hogan around, but now that Steiner’s here, he’s going to do the screwing (his words, not mine), and if Anderson’s against Immortal, he’s got to deal with Steiner. Gunner begins to talk, and I begin to focus on drinking water instead. Gunner tells Anderson he needs to make a decision by the end of the night, or he will never see the light of day again.

The lights go out, and Sting Ledger is up in the rafters, going full-bore with The Dark Knight facepaint. Lights back on and Angle’s in the ring giving Angle Slams to Steiner and Gunner. Tonight’s main event will be Sting and Angle vs. Abyss, Blubber, Tom Cruise and Donny Osmond (Johnny Bravo fans know what I’m talking about). Kurt Angle basically lays down the opposite ultimatum to Anderson that Gunner did.

Backstage, we see Beer Money warming up. James Storm is asking if Robbie-Bobby Roode‘s shoulder is okay, and he says no, but with the BFG series, he needs to get some points regardless. We also learn that Roode will be taking on The Red Guy tonight in a BFG series match.

In the BFG series, we learn that Devon, RVD, Blubber and Crimson all picked up 7 points each. Crimson is once again in the lead.

MATCH #1-BFG Series Match: I.R. Baboon vs. TNA World Tag Team Co-Champion Bobby Roode
Does Roode even stand a chance in this match? Not really, no. Crimson is undefeated, and despite being greener than lettuce, is get a massively undeserved push. Shoulderblock by Crimson on Roode’s bad shoulders. Into the corner by Crimson with shoulder thrusts. Roode responds with the exact same move. Honor roll by Roode gets 2. Crimson tries for a powerslam, but drops Roode throat first on the top rope instead, followed by a Warrior-esque jumping shoulderblock. Falcon Arrow from the apron gets 2 for Crimson, with a swinging neckbreaker for another 2. T-Bone suplex by Crimson for yet another near fall. Crimson eats an elbow off a corner whip, followed by a boot, and a blockbuster from the middle rope. Roode, to his credit, is selling the hell out of his shoulder. Roode hits the Double R spinebuster (ugh) for 2. Crimson counters the Payoff into a schoolboy, which Roode escapes out of into a fujiwara, but Crimson’s too close to the ropes. Crimson goes for the sky-high, Roode rolls out, but Crimson still ends up hitting it for 3. Apparently, he’s calling the move “Red Sky” now.

Winner: I Am Weasel. I’m not really impressed with either of these guys, but I know that they are not going anywhere since they and Gunner are being groomed for the top three spots in the company. Crimson now has 31 points.

We get a look at Anthony Nese, one of the wrestlers in the X-Division tournament match tonight. Never heard of him.

Abyss is going nuts looking for his mask, while we see Brian Kendrick wearing it for some reason. Them feuding over a title belt that Abyss undeservedly holds wasn’t enough; now they’re fighting over his stupid mask.

A look at the second X-Division wrestler in tonight’s tourney match, this being Jack Evans. For those that don’t know, Evans is one of the best high flyers in the world. That means he will probably be hired and then misused rather quickly, going by TN-Impact Wrestling‘s shining track record.

Kendrick’s in the ring with Abyss’ mask, and says he intends to give it back, as he just wants to share his thoughts with Abyss. I really hate this pseudo-spiritual gimmick by Kendrick. Abyss comes out to his very generic music, hiding his face with a towel. Can’t blame him. Have you ever seen Chris Park’s face? Kendrick begins quoting philosophers who talked about God. Basically, Kendrick’s promo is about how he wants to reignite the X-Division. He also claims that deep down, Abyss knows he needs to get rid of his mask and become a man. He gives Abyss the mask back, and to show gratitude, Abyss begins kicking the crap out of Kendrick. God, Kendrick’s got those stupid shoes on with the toes already molded. I just lost a lot of respect for him. Abyss whips Kendrick into the stairs and guardrail, then throws him back in the ring. Kendrick’s trying to fight back, but with no luck. Kendrick takes the Shock Treatment and the Black Hole Slam before Abyss leaves the ring.

Jesse Sorenson is the third man in the X-Division match tonight. Again, I’ve never heard of this guy.

MATCH #2-X-Division Series Qualifying Round-Jesse Sorenson vs. Anthony Nese vs. Jack Evans
Evans is the only one who gets an entrance. I’m rooting for Evans, not only because I’ve heard of him and he’s awesome, but because he’s another hometown boy. Nese throws Evans out of the ring, while Sorenson gets a rollup on Nese for 2. Nese eats a kick from Evans and a dropkick from Sorenson. Evans hits a series of flips, leading to a flipping dropkick. Evans is hard to keep track of. Nese gets 2 with a clothesline on Evans. Nese up top, but gets a kick from Sorenson, who pins Evans for another 2. Sorenson hits a somersault plancha onto Nese on the outside. Evans shows him up with a springboard 450 splash on both men. All three back in the ring, and Evans gets a nearfall on each guy. Evans eats a couple of knees in the corner from Nese for 2. Sorenson hits in inverted swinging neckbreaker on Evans for another 2, and Evans takes the sickest looking bumps. Nese with a flapjack and German suplex on Sorenson for 2, but Evans breaks that up with a standing moonsault. Sorenson puts Evans on the top rope and is looking for a superplex, but Evans just throws him to the outside. Nese tries as well, but Evans turns it into a super gourdbuster. Evans hits the 630 splash, and this one’s over.

WINNER: Jack Evans. Evans joins Ion, Aries and Low-Ki in the tournament. Good match, but Evans really carried the other two. They both looked alright, but Evans was far and away the highlight.

Check out the full Camel Clutch Blog Pro Wrestling and MMA store for videos, t-shirts, books, and more.

We see the British Invasion in the back (along with Big Roid), talking about how Non-Mexican America won’t be attacking them again. Magnus basically says they’re a rip-off the British Invasion (true). Williams is complaining about how he’s not being featured at TNA Destination X, so he will be issuing an open challenge at the show.

There will be an “Ultimate X” match at the PPV featuring Shannon Moore, Robbie E, The Amazing Red and Alex Shelley, with the winner being the new #1 contender to the X-Division title. If Shannon Moore and Robbie were replaced by two other people, this could be a good match. Oh, well. At least I got to see Cookie tonight (only for a few seconds, though).

Velvet Sky is saying that she’s done being a target for the other knockouts. Apparently, she is smart. At least, that’s what she says. There was really nothing else to this promo. For as hot as Velvet is, she comes off about as sharp as marbles.

My feed cut out due to weather, so when the show comes back on, Sting is in the locker room with Kurt Angle rambling incoherently.

MATCH #3-Knockouts Handicap Match: Jackie and ODB vs. Velvet Sky (If Jackie and ODB lose, they are gone from Impact)
Do I really have to recap this Botchamania moment waiting to happen? O.D.B. is mocking Velvet’s entrance. Velvet comes out through the crowd and hits both of them with a chair. Match starts with Velvet and ODB. Chops to ODB’s chest, which is pretty pointless. More chops in the corner, and a kick to the butt. Corner clothesline and another kick to the butt. Sigh. Another clothesline and a bulldog, but Jackie comes in and clocks Velvet in the head. This match is about as exciting as you’d expect. Not much to report on. Velvet with another clothesline and a bodyslam, but ODB breaks up a pin attempt. Man, there’s some varied offense in here! ODB throws Velvet in the corner, but misses a knee. Velvet continues with the chops and butt kicks. Jackie comes in with more forearm shots punches and kicks. ODB in again, and she varies the offense with…forearms and kicks. The two miss a double-team back body drop when Velvet kicks both of them, and now she’s hitting…kicks and forearms. I’m so tired now. ODB brings in a chair, but accidentally clocks Jackie with it. Velvet kicks the chair into ODB’s knee, and Velvet gets her oh-so creative standard DDT finisher on Jackie for the 3.

WINNER: Velvet Sky. Jackie and ODB are gone, at least until next week. This match sucked, pure and simple.

In the back, a weird segment with Devon and D’Angelo Dinero. Pope’s sucking up to Devon, and Devon isn’t having any of it. I still don’t understand this angle.

The four-way X-Division match is next. We get a highlight video of A.J. Styles and Daniels training together in a gym. Daniels begins listing off all of his injuries. I love Daniels and all, but if these injuries are true, it’s probably not the best thing for him to continue wrestling.

MATCH #4-Four-Way Match: A.J. Styles vs. Christopher Daniels vs. Jerry Lynn vs. Rob Van Dam
Four-ways are even harder to recap than three-ways, so bear with me. This will feature tag rules, so maybe that will make it easier. Lynn and Daniels lock up, and Lynn looks like he’s recovered from his back injury very well. A leg lariat by Daniels gets 2, and Lynn answers with a head scissors. Styles in now. Lynn and Styles trade holds and a couple of Japanese arm drags, and we get an “indy clap”. Styles tags in RVD. They do a series you’ve seen in every one of their ECW matches, followed by more “indy claps”. Daniels tags in and gets an STO on RVD. RVD catches a rolling kick and a standing moonsault, but botches Rolling Thunder for 2. Daniels tries for a springboard but gets a kick to the midsection. Styles tags in of Daniels while Lynn tags off RVD and catches an enziguri. Styles gets tripped up top and a super hurricanrana by Lynn. Daniels tags in and hits a weird stomp on Lynn for 2. Styles hits the Superman on RVD and tries for the backflip inverted DDT on Lynn, but Lynn suplexes him out of the ring. Daniels hits a standing Uranage on Lynn, but misses the Best Moonsault Ever. Lynn blocks the Angel’s Wings and drops Daniels with an emerald flowsion. RVD is up top, hits the Five-Star Frog Splash on Daniels and gets the 3.

WINNER: Rob Van Dam. Good match, but it felt incredibly rushed. I don’t think they even got 10 minutes to wrestle.

Eric Young is standing by an RV that he supposedly owns. He calls himself the Television champion and a huge star. The second part is questionable. He then mutters something about Hollywood. Pointless segment.

MATCH #5-BFG Series Match: Matt Morgan and TNA World Tag Team Co-Champion James Storm vs. Devon and D’Angelo Dinero
Another match already? I am shocked. Out of these 4, Pope is the only one with no points on the board. Remember a few months ago when Dinero said he was quitting TNA? Neither does he or TNA. We learn that, once again, only the wrestler who gets the fall gets the points. Devon takes a kick and a shoulder from Storm for 2. Arm wringer by Storm gets reversed and Morgan tags in. I don’t care about the “Impact Fantasy Game at all”. Morgan with a bodyslam and a Hogan legdrop for 2. Stupid Morgan; only Hogan gets 3 on that. Storm tags himself in but takes a spinning back elbow, a bodyslam and a jumping headbutt for 2. Devon tags in Pope, who takes a hip toss and immediately tags back out. Storm gets a hooking clothesline and tags M-M-M-M-organ back in. He does his stupid back elbows in the corner, hits an avalanche and sidewalk slam for 2. Storm back in, but Devon hits a second rope shoulder block. Guess he also read Warrior’s book about loading spaceships with rocket fuel. Pope’s back in off the hot, hot, HOT tag, gets off the typical hot tag moves before Storm gets a lungblower for 2. Morgan and Storm begin fighting about who gets the points. Devon and Morgan both go outside, and Morgan’s selling a knee injury all of a sudden. Pope clocks Storm with the tag title belt and tags Devon in, instead of going for the pin. Devon gets the 3, and Pope made himself the dumbest wrestler of the night (thus far, anyway).

Winner: Devon and D’Angelo Dinero. Devon gets another 7 points and, oddly enough, is now in 3rd place in the series.

Anderson is in the back saying people shouldn’t talk to him like he’s 2 because he’s grown (despite the childish promo). He mentions some nonsense about his former employer, and then we go to commercial. Seriously, what is Anderson’s appeal?

We get another promo with Mr. and Mrs. Diet Shasta Orange, and they are in Arena Mexico, continuing to piss off an entire nation. Supposedly, the day they come back is “Big Daddy” Shasta’s birthday, and Mrs. Failed Stripper says she has a gift for every member of Immortal. Jeff Jarrett also says he will have a surprise of his own, showing everyone why he’s the “King of Mexico”. His words (hint: he won AAA’s Mega Championship-their version of the world title-from El Zorro).

The stills TNA uses to hype PPV matches make everyone look like lepers.

Sting is in the locker room taking really, REALLY fake punches (complete with *thump* sound) from the Orange Menace, egging him on the entire time. He then takes a not-even-close-to-connecting bat shot to the head. Hogan then says Sting crossed the wrong senior citizen.

MATCH #6: Immortal vs. Kurt Angle and Sting
Sting is not coming to the ring after that VICIOUS worse-than-stage-combat beat down from Brooke Hogan. Steiner starts the match for Del Boca Vista, but takes a belly-to-belly suplex for 2. Blubber Ray is in, and very viciously rips Kurt Angle’s pre-cut shirt off, followed by a neckbreaker for 2. Ray was screaming something about Mexico during this move. He goes for the Bully Bomb, but Angle reverses into a German. Anthony Edwards is in now, and he takes a snap suplex for 2. Now it’s time for Prince Justice to come in (look it up). He tries for a chokeslam, but Angle rolls through into an ankle lock. Bully Ray “flies in” (Tenay’s words) to break it up. Steiner is back in, and hits the spinning belly-to-belly for 2. Gunner’s back in now (worst main event name ever), and he’s hitting your generic heel offense. Abyss back in with a bodyslam, and now we get Ray in with the chain. As he goes to hit Angle, Battle Dome Champion Michael O’Dell comes down to the ring, distracting Ray long enough to eat an Angle Slam. Anderson is on the corner now, asking for a tag. Apparently, he’s now in this match, logic and rules be DAMNED. He tags in, goes to give Ray the Mic Check, but gives it to Angle instead. He then throws Angle out, tags him in, and Ray pins Angle for 3.

WINNER: Phase 2 of the Pines at Clark Gables. Totally pointless match.

The heels surround Angle, asking what Anderson’s going to do, and he jumps into Abyss’ arms. Didn’t they already do almost this EXACT SAME THING a few months ago? The heels hold Anderson up as Hogan hobbles to the ring, clapping. I guess Anderson is in Immortal now (again, at least until next week). End of show.

This show was much better than Impact has been in a long time. That’s still like saying that you’d rather take a punch to the face than a kick to the testicles, but nonetheless. The X-Division matches weren’t bad, but considering the talent in the four-way, it should have been a much longer match.

Full TNA Impact Wrestling July 7 Results
Crimson defeated Robert Roode – Bound For Glory Series Match
Jack Evans defeated Jesse Sorenson and Tony Nese – TNA Destination X Qualifier Match
Velvet Sky defeated ODB and Jackie – 2 on 1 Handicap Match
Rob van Dam and Jerry Lynn defeated Christopher Daniels and AJ Styles
Devon and The Pope defeated James Storm and Matt Morgan – Bound For Glory Series Match
Gunner, Bully Ray, Abyss and Scott Steiner defeated Kurt Angle & Sting

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (I need to get more posted on there, I know). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

CM Punk Uprising Authentic T-Shirt

WWE Money in the Bank 2011 DVD

WWE: The Greatest Cage Matches of All Time

Brock Lesnar’s autobiography – Death Clutch: My Story of Determination, Domination, and Survival

Grab discounted WWE DVDs, merchandise, t -shirts, figures, and more from the WWE Shop on Amazon.com

Great Deals at WWEShop.com!