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TNA Wrestling No Surrender 2011 Preview & Predictions

September 09, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

TNA No Surrender 2011I’ve seen some “on the fly” booking in my day, but a company who usually crams eight and even sometimes nine matches into a pay-per-view is really going to have to come up with some magic to add to the five confirmed matches for Sunday’s TNA Wrestling No Surrender PPV.

Unfortunately, there’s just not a whole lot of steam heading into the show, and if there is, it’s for the wrong reasons. Many will want to see how Kurt Angle performs in his title match coming off his ugly DUI arrest, while others will speculate whether or not Jeff Hardy will be in attendance and if he’ll wrestle. I hope Hardy wrestles, but let’s start with the confirmed matches…

Kurt Angle (Champ) vs. Sting vs. Mr. Anderson – Heavyweight Title Match. I love TNA, but even the recent swerves are starting to mess with my head. Chew on this: since this time last year, all three of these guys have been both heels and faces, so who’s a guy to root for these days?

Mr. Anderson, a polarizing figure that’s hard to argue, has been written into the ground as the tweener that no one likes, and was just the emergency back-up quarterback to the revolving jobber door that is Immortal. For his sake, I hope Anderson gets a little more concise writing for the rest of the year, because I have such little faith in him that I’m not even considering him in the hunt of this match that was hastily thrown together.

I mean, I could see if Anderson and Angle had Immortal history, but Anderson was jettisoned and concussed from the group before Angle made his new friends. When you throw Sting in the match, who is pretty much boxed into this “legendary” feud with Ric Flair, I can’t see anyone other than Kurt Angle walking out of there as champion. If Impact wants the elements of surprise back, they have to play their hands a little closer to their chests and avoid spoiling imminent Hulk Hogan face turns and matches that completely undermine current storylines (see: the entire BFG series).

Brian Kendrick (Champ) vs. Austin Aries – X Division Title Match. This is the match I’m most looking forward to, mainly because it’s just good ole fashioned lovable champion against the biggest jerk in the world. Seriously, watch Austin Aries do arms up victory laps around the outside of the ring and tell me you can’t get behind that guy as a wrestler? This story has also worked nicely, with rugged Kid Kash serving as Aries’ right hand man, as well as Kendrick’s newly adopted Wizard of Odd motif. Aries was a great signing for TNA, and much like Mickie James finally experienced, don’t be surprised if they put the belt on the highly entertaining challenger. Austin Aries wins with that gorgeous brainbuster.

Bully Ray vs. James Storm – Bound For Glory Series Semi. What?! I’m pretty sure this whole time the hype has been that the final four would compete in a one fatal four way match to decide the No. 1 Contender, so what’s this crap? Back when I was reviewing Impact episodes I gave my thoughts on the competitors chances in this tournament once it was announced, and I ranked James Storm slightly above a dead last Devon, probably because he’s in a little better shape. Injuries have really cleared out the top of the tourney, so obviously some sort of audible was called when Morgan went down with a legitimate pectoral tear and Crimson was taken out with his unbeaten streak still pending. My prediction on this match is reliant upon the other semifinal, but I can’t see BOTH Beer Money guys getting through, so I’ll take Bully Ray in this one.

Gunner vs. Bobby Roode – Bound For Glory Series Semi. Ahhh, the two dark horses and potential future stars of the company come 2012. I don’t believe Gunner is quite there yet, as his Immortal counterpart Bully Ray has a lot more current selling potential in him. I could also see this going down as Bully Ray’s quest to completely invalidate Beer Money by running through them and proving they are pushovers whether as a team or on the singles path. Regardless, this should be a fine wrestling match as I think Gunner has improved his mechanics, but Roode will take this down and be one step closer to a title shot. In the meantime, let’s get Gunner some mic time!

Matt Morgan vs. Samoa Joe. Wow, Morgan recovered quickly. I can’t say I’m excited about this synthetic feeling showdown, but Joe really needs a win here. Just get him the win so he calms down, continues as the war machine that’s not quite a heel so he can stay away from being the 10th leader of Immortal. I want to see Joe chase the title, but as long as there is an Immortal faction, it’s going to be awfully hard to pencil him in to the title docket. It’s going to be interesting to see how Morgan fairs in the ring coming back from injury, but a win here could also boost him closer to the big prize. I’d like to think of this as a pseudo Heavyweight contender’s match, but that’s probably being unreasonably optimistic. Samoa Joe will continue his reign of terror and move on to Crimson.

And, yeah, that’s what’s been announced as of Thursday. However, we can fill in the blanks and assume a few others…

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Let’s face it. AJ Styles needs to be at every PPV and his continuing bragging rights rivalry with Christopher Daniels has been pretty good overall. I also loved the in-Fortune bickering between Styles and Kazarian early this year, so Styles must be pretty good at toeing those same side rivalries. I expect this match to go down after Daniels finally got the upper hand on AJ and didn’t shake his hand at last week’s Impact taping. However, if this is just leading to Daniels turning on AJ and going full blown heel on him, I’ll be extremely disappointed. Wrestling fans have told me that Daniels is notorious for his constant turns and this won’t do anything to move the needle if it happens.

While this could be another lengthy, yet stellar AJ Styles PPV match, the story with Daniels could use a little more meat to it. A potential jockeying for leadership of Fortune perhaps? Let’s try and focus on what they can do instead of their revolving friendship from years past. Daniels got the win last time out, so expect AJ to win clean here.

The impending showdown I’m not looking forward to is Rob Van Dam and his bosom buddy Jerry Lynn stinking up the Impact Zone. I don’t know what it is about Lynn, but something about him rubs me the wrong way. It could be that he just looks like someone I wouldn’t let around my kids, or it could be the ten straight times he’s waltzed out to ringside to check in on Van Dam, ultimately costing Van Dam his match. Every time. This story is beyond lame and I hope Van Dam monkey flips Lynn back to the Indy circuit or O’Reilly Auto Parts whence he came.

As far as the Knockouts division (Rest In Peace, my beloved Madison Rayne, wherever you are), you can probably count on Winter defending the belt against Mickie James in a rematch of their last title match and feud. The Winter/Angelina Love story confuses me a bit, as we’re still kind of unsure if they are vampires, lesbians, weirdos, or just weird, lesbian vampires who wrestle. As long as Mickey James hits at least one clean DDT and Lou Thesz Press, this match will be passable.

And last but not least, let’s go with the off chance that Impact promotes a Jeff Hardy surprise match at No Surrender right after tonight’s Impact goes off the air. If they do, what kind of work would they have for him? I’ll probably hear some groans for this, but I’d stop watching the NFL Sunday Night game entirely if Hardy came out for a match. Even though it’s only been months, that’s a long time to wait with bated breath for a guy you’ve invested time and energy in as a wrestling fan.

I think the perfect opponent for Hardy would be Immortal’s Abyss. Like him or not, Abyss is a fantastic guy in the ring, as well as a team player who can put anyone who needs it over. His X Division angle could have been a calamity but because of his dedication he put in motion the revival of the division. A good to great match against a returning Hardy could give Impact one of their blue chippers back, just in time for guys like Bully Ray to flounder back to the bottom.
I know this PPV doesn’t have a whole lot of hype, but there are definitely some confirmed and pending matches that will stand out as must see. And, don’t kid yourself, folks—the Jets will be up 17 on the Cowboys Sunday night by halftime anyway.

Joe Leininger lives in Jacksonville, FL via the greater Philadelphia area. He dabbles in all things sports, pro wrestling, and television, and more of his work can be found at The Playing Field Blog and DestiGeddon.

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 09-08-11 – Jeff Hardy Returns

September 08, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Jeff Hardy TNABefore getting into the recap, two issues need to be addressed. The first is Jeff Hardy. For those that might not have heard it yet, Jeff Hardy finally plead guilty in a court of law to the charges leveled against him. As a result, Hardy will have to face some harsh punishment…if your idea of “harsh” is 10 days in jail, $100,000 in fees and 2-3 years probation.

That’s right-Hardy more or less got a slap on the wrist despite the charges leveled against him being felonious. This is a prime example of how stupid and superficial we are in this country. If you or I, the average person, had been investigated for these exact same charges, we’d be looking at 10-20 years in prison, if not more. But, because Jeff Hardy is a celebrity, he’s basically getting the equivalent of a kid in grade school getting detention. There are countless examples of celebrities breaking the law and facing next to no punishment, and Jeff Hardy can now join that ever-increasing list. And if you think Jeff’s learned his lesson, guess again. Hardy can claim he’s cleaned up and turned his life around all he wants, but this isn’t the first time he’s been busted for drugs in some capacity. Until I see some real proof that he’s changing for the better, I can practically guarantee this will happen again. As for his career in TNA, mark my words. Once he’s done his 10 days in jail, TNA will show their disappointment in him by giving him push after push, as well as more world title runs.

Speaking of discipline cases, that brings us to good old Kurt Angle. As you should know by now, Angle was busted for DUI yet again this past Sunday. As Justin Henry mentioned in a column, this marks the fourth time Angle’s been busted in less than four years, with the last arrest happening just about five or six months ago, with three of those arrests being drinking-and-driving related. I’m not going to go into great length here, as both Justin and Eric have done a great job of already covering this pretty extensively, but I will say that Angle has been a complete discipline case since he signed with TNA, and I don’t bet this will ever change. In just a few years, Angle has transformed from one of the most talented, physically gifted wrestlers in the world to a psychotic, alcohol and drug abusing, stringy-armed nutcase. And guess what? As long as TNA keeps him employed, he will stay that way. Unlike problematic wrestlers like the Hardys, Angle has never once been punished by TNA to any extent whatsoever. As a result, Angle hasn’t learned a lesson of any kind. TNA has basically given him the impression that, no matter what he does, he’s going to keep his job and be the top guy in the company. Not only does this give the rest of the TNA locker room the idea that, as long as you’re a high-paid main eventer, you’ll never have to worry about finding a job, but it also teaches Angle absolutely no lessons and gets him no help for his problems. And if there’s anyone in the company that needs a lesson taught to him, as well as help, it’s Angle. Angle is a giant rehab festival waiting to happen, and everyone seems to know it except for himself and Dixie Carter. Does the guy have to wrap his car around a tree a’la Matt Hardy before any actual punishment comes his way and he realizes he needs help?

Angle, if you’re reading this, people like you not only have a disease, but truly are a disease, and if you do not get help very soon, someone innocent is going to wind up hurt or worse because of you and your reckless behavior. Worse yet, you yourself could wind up dead. You’ve already lost your wife and family because of your obsessive and abusive behaviors, not to mention your addictions also cost you your job with WWE. How many more need to get hurt before you finally wake the hell up and admit you have problems and need help? If you want to go ahead and kill yourself slowly with alcohol and drugs, that’s your business. But when you potentially endanger the lives of others, that is when what you do becomes the business of everyone else.

Okay, enough of that. Sorry if I went long there. When I get on certain subjects, I can rant with the best of them.

Onto a more light-hearted note, let’s get on with the recap for the 9/8/11 edition of Impact, featuring the return of the aforementioned Jeff Hardy. He will be given the opportunity to speak his mind to the crowd, as well as the TV viewing audience. This should be stunning.

We get a recap of last week to start the show, which saw Mr. Anderson forget that he hates Sting and save him from a beat down from Angle and Hogan. You know, if you need saving from Angle and Hogan at this point, I’d say it’s time to call it a career.

Once again, Impact is “live” from Huntsville, Alabama tonight. Mr. Anderson makes his way to the ring. He says that, the last couple of weeks, he’s been a man of few words. I for one am grateful for that. He says he beats ass and then goes home and goes to sleep. I don’t think he thought that one through before saying. He admits to signing a deal with the devils, those being Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff. He says joining Immortal was a business decision, but not a good one. He asks the crowd to boo him. They do. Because of one “meddling scumbag” in Immortal, that being Bully Ray, Mr. Anderson is now on the outside looking in. He says thank you to Bully Ray, and that if people thought he was annoying before, just wait. Fantastic. Starting tonight, he’s going to be an even bigger pain in the ass. He then starts ranting about Kurt Angle, and that Kurt Angle has overlooked the fact that Anderson still has a rematch for the title, as he never got one after losing the belt to Sting. He’s cashing in his rematch tonight. He calls Angle, even though he knows Angle won’t be coming alone. Anderson has back-up as well in Sting. You know, that guy who destroyed his truck and beat him for the title? Yeah, that guy.

Sting comes out and reminds us that Immortal cost him to lose to Angle in a title match last week. He calls himself a fungus, and refers to Hogan’s arms as “21 inch pythons”. I doubt they’re even that big anymore. Tonight, Sting is wielding the power of “The Network”, and they’ve apparently given him the authority to call the shots tonight. Sting announces himself as the special enforcer in Anderson’s match with Angle tonight. He plans to take all of Hogan’s power away. He and Anderson then hug.

Tonight, Velvet Sky and Mickie James face Winter and Angelina Love, and there will be a 4-Corners Match between the top four in the BFG series-Blubber Ray, Tom Cruise and Beer Money Inc.

You could not pay me enough to go on the “Coastal Chaos Cruise” with the Impact Wrestling roster. Just saying.

MATCH 1-#1 Contender’s Match for the World Tag Team Championship: Devon and D’Angelo Dinero vs. Magnus and Douglas Williams
God. Mexican America is on commentary right now. Kill me now. The winner will get the shot at No Surrender. Nothing like waiting until the last minute to make this match, huh? BTW, who in the hell did either of these teams beat to qualify for a #1 contenders match? Can anyone even recall the last time either team wrestled in a tag team match on this show? Devon and Magnus start off. Devon gets 2 off a spinning back elbow. Pope tags in and hits a flying shoulder block for 2. Pope with some elbows to the head, but Magnus lands a boot to the chest and some mounted punches. Williams tags in and hits a European uppercut. They trade some shots before Magnus tags back in. They hit a double straight jacket drop on Pope for 2. Magnus telegraphs a back body drop, but still connects with a clothesline for 2. Pope fights his way out of the Brits’ corner, but Magnus gets him into another corner. Williams hits a running knee in the opposite corner, followed by a top rope elbow by Magnus for 2. Williams holds Pope up for a boot, but Pope ducks and Williams eats the boot from Magnus. Pope hits his cool hammerlock DDT on Magnus and tags in Devon. Devon hits a few shoulder blocks, followed by an avalanche and sidewalk slam on Williams for 2. He gets a powerslam for another 2, but Magnus breaks it up. Devon hits them with a double clothesline and a standing spinebuster on Williams gets the 3.

WINNERS AND NEW #1 CONTENDERS: Devon and D’Angelo Dinero.

Backstage, Kurt Angle is ranting about Anderson, Sting and Jeff Hardy. Some guy named Eddie Alvarez walks in to greet Angle. Angle acts like they are friends. I’m going to assume he’s some MMA fighter. I don’t really care.

Back from commercial, and we get a highlight video of the top four in BFG series-including comments from the participants-set to a song by the band Staind. I guess Dixie Carter’s taste in music is worse than Vince McMahon’s.

Back in the arena, said four are in the ring. Blubber says that he is a tag team god. He is the be-all, end-all of tag team wrestling, and he knows a great tag team when he sees one. He calls Beer Money Inc. a great tag team, and they will go down in history as one of the greatest tag teams in all of wrestling. Jury’s out on that one. Now, the bad news is, he knows what’s going on through both of Beer Money’s minds right now. They both want to win the series and go on to become World Champion, but won’t admit it to each other. He says they’re both wondering how successful they could be on their own, as every tag team wrestler wonders that, including Blubber. Way to state the obvious. He points at Gunner and says Gunner is willing to do everything to make sure Blubber wins the series. Gunner’s giving him a dirty look now. Both members of Beer Money, on the other hand, will do what’s right for them individually. Ray says he doesn’t have to be in tonight’s 4-Corners Match tonight, but will, because he wants to wear Beer Money down. He says he’s the next World Champion. If that happens, I don’t think I will be able to watch anymore.

Bobby Roode gets a microphone and says people want Blubber to shut the hell up. He says Blubber doesn’t intimidate him and won’t get into his head. He says Blubber was right about Beer Money’s greatness. He says he’s focused on becoming the next World Champion, and it’s been a dream for both him and James Storm, and that’s the dream of every wrestler in history. I feel like I’ve heard this approximately 10,567 times before. Roode says there will only be one man winning the series on Sunday. Blubber points to himself repeatedly. Roode asks him who is going to be the better man on that night, before saying it obviously won’t be Gunner. I like Roode a lot more after that comment. He also says it won’t be Blubber’s fat ass. I like even more after that one, too. Roode says that, whether it’s him or Storm walking out as the next champ at BFG, they will share the celebration and the victory, and no matter what, no one will ever come between their bond or kill Beer Money.

James Storm grabs a microphone and spews his stupid catchphrase. Was there even a point to that segment? And did Gunner even need to be there? He didn’t say a damn word. Not that I’m complaining, as he truly sucks on a microphone.

These new commercials for Droid Bionic are ridiculously overproduced and have nearly nothing to do with the actual phones. Oh, and if you plan on seeing “Buck Larson: Born To Be A Star”, don’t ever, EVER speak to me again.

Yet another Bound For Glory video package for the finals of the BFG series.

We get a clip of Eddie Alvarez fighting. He’s on commentary with a title belt. I’m guessing he’s a champion in MMA, but I’m not about to find out because I don’t care.

MATCH 2-World Television Championship: World Television Champion Eric Young vs. Robbie E
Holy s**t. The TV title is actually getting defended tonight? Wow, it only took him, what, 3 months? Taz tries to tell us Robbie E qualifies for the X-division, but Young does not. No way in hell Young weighs more than 225. Young knocks Robbie down and steps on his back. Robbie reverses a corner whip and does the Flair flip, but Robbie punches Young and gets a 2 with his feet on the ropes. Robbie hits a shot to the gut and some stupid slam. He tries to get another pin with his foot on the ropes, but the referee sees it. Robbie with a bodyslam. He gets on the middle rope, does some fist pumping and hits an elbow. Goes for a pin with his foot on the rope again. The referee won’t count it. Young takes his shorts off, revealing he’s wearing a pair of Robbie E’s tights. There’s nothing blatantly homoerotic about that. No, sir. Young hits some punches, a flying forearm and a bodyslam. Young goes up top and hits an elbow for 2. Young goes for a powerbomb, but Robbie rolls out. They reverse each other a few times before Young hits a piledriver for 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Eric Young. Rob Terry runs in and hits Young with a hoisted powerbomb. Guess his reunion with Magnus and Williams was forgotten. They immediately cut to commercial after the powerbomb. Weird spot to cut away at. This match sucked, and Young’s piledriver looked really bad.

Backstage, Jerry Lynn confronts Rob Van Dam. He basically says he’s sick of living in RVD’s shadow all these years. He’s good enough to make wrestlers look good and put others over, but not good enough to get a TNA contract. He says he’s been working in a warehouse the last few years. He told Bischoff and Hogan he’s better than RVD, and that yes, he screwed RVD last week. RVD knocks him to the floor.

In another locker room, Velvet Sky and Mickie James are talking. Mickie James is carrying a purse dog for whatever reason. Karen Jarrett walks in and say two dogs in the room are enough, and we don’t need three. She congratulates Mickie on winning the Knockouts title, but Winter has a rematch at No Surrender. She says Sky needs to go out there and blow the roof off the place because there’s more to wrestling than shaking your ass. She then tells Velvet she needs to lose a few pounds and lay off the cupcakes. I think Karen’s just mad because she lives on salt likes and bags of oats.

We see Jeff Hardy walk in. He looks fatter than usual. I thought meth addicts were skinny?

Apparently, our main event for the evening is happening halfway through the show, meaning Hardy will actually get the final spot on the show tonight.

MATCH 3-World Championship: Mr. Anderson vs. World Champion Kurt Angle (special enforcer: Sting)
Anderson does his stupid microphone schtick, and says “Ala-frickin’-bama” when addressing the crowd. God, I hate him. Speaking of people I hate, here comes Kurt Angle. He looks skinnier and stringier than ever. Seriously, is he starving himself, doing a load of drugs, or both? He looks beyond sickly at this point. Jeremy Borash is finally not wearing a suit that matches the ring. He does the introductions for everyone. They start with a lock-up. Anderson backs Angle into a corner and gets a clean break. Another lock-up that Anderson turns into a side headlock. Angle gets out and puts on a side headlock of his own. Angle knocks Anderson down off an Irish whip, followed by a hip throw into a side headlock. Anderson throws him off and catches a back elbow off the ropes. In the corner, Anderson lays in some shots. Angle goes for a clothesline, but Anderson reverses into a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Anderson whips Angle into the corner for another 2. Another corner whip, but Angle boots Anderson off and hits a clothesline for a 1-count. Angle goes back to the headlock again. Anderson elbows out, but Angle catches a kitchen sink off the ropes for 2. Back to the headlock. Angle’s been studying Randy Orton tapes, I see. Orton “stole” the Angle Slam, so Angle stole his headlock. They catch each other with a clothesline off the ropes at the same time. The referee is counting both men, but both are up. They trade some shots before Anderson hits a clothesline. Angle reverses a corner whip, but Anderson gets his boot up. Anderson runs into an overhead belly-to-belly suplex for 2. Angle goes for the Angle Slam, but Anderson reverses into the rolling fireman’s carry slam for 2. Anderson goes for the Mic Check, but Angle reverses into the dead guy German suplexes for 2. Angle throws the straps down, showing us his bird chest. Angle gets Anderson in the ankle lock, but Anderson reverses into a pin for 2. Anderson hits the Mic Check for 2. Both men are back up, but the ref gets a standing bump, allowing Angle to hit Anderson in the nuts. Angle hits the Angle Slam, and as the ref goes to count, Sting pulls him out to explain what happened. Angle turns around into another Mic Check. The ref begins to count, but Gunner runs in to cause the DQ.

WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Mr. Anderson. The rest of the H.O.G.s run and beat up Anderson and Sting. Jeff Jarrett looks exceptionally toolbox-y here tonight.

Based on this Domino’s commercial, I don’t ever want Jess touching a single pizza I order. No one should ever, ever be that excited to work for Domino’s.

Back from the commercial, we get a replay of what we just saw a few minutes ago.

In a locker room, Immortal is celebrating. Eric Bischoff tells them all to take it outside, as he has a call to make. Bischoff gets back on the phone, and seems to be mad about something.

MATCH 4: Angelina Love and Winter vs. Knockouts Champion Mickie James and Velvet Sky
My dog has a chew toy that kind of looks like Angelina Love, only it’s made of rope rather than silicone. Have I mentioned Winter and Mickie have two of the worst entrance themes ever? I’d still like to know why Taz compares Sky’s nether regions to a pigeon hut. Sky and Winter start off. James immediately tags in. So does Love. Man, this is an exciting match! Love backs James into a corner then throws her. They trade some shots. James hits an elbow off a corner charge, followed by the Tunacanrana. James gets a snapmare and tags in Sky. She hits a low dropkick for 2. Love with a jawbreaker, and now Winter’s in. She throws Sky into a couple of corners, but Sky reverses and hits a corner whip by an awful monkey flip. She drops Winter and Love with a headscissors hip throw combo. Love trips Sky from the outside. Winter throws her into a corner and then goads James, leading to a double-team behind the ref’s back. Sky elbows her way out, but can’t make it to her corner. Winter with a northern lights suplex for 2. Love tags in and gets a stomp. James comes in and whiffs a kick big time. Sky hits Love with a horrible-looking bulldog variation. Love tags Winter in and Sky tags in James. James hits the top rope Thesz Press on Winter, followed by some sloppy forearms and a neckbreaker for 2 before Love breaks it up. Sky is stomping Love in the corner now as Winter has James in another corner. Sky and James reverse a pair of corner whips into clotheslines. Sky spears Love. Behind the ref’s back, Winter spits corn syrup in James’ face and gets the 3.

WINNERS: Angelina Love and Winter. Remember when TNA had one of the best women’s divisions in the world? Yeah, neither does TNA.

Austin Aries makes his way down to the ring. Mike Tenay gives him the oh-so-clever nickname of “Mr. Win At All Costs”. Aries tells the crowd to “shhh”. He calls himself Eric Bischoff’s favorite X-division wrestler, and the next champion. He calls Brian Kendrick a strange little man and a big hypocrite. Kendrick’s actions have been the opposite of what he’s been preaching. He says Kendrick can’t stand that he has the spotlight and is the brightest shining star in the company. He challenges Kendrick to face him man-to-man right now.

Kendrick walks down to the ring in a suit and carrying a briefcase. Aries laughs at him. Kendrick says he understands why Aries is ridiculing him, as he’s been ridiculed for various reasons all his life. Today, he’s trying to annunciate and dress for success. His words. He says the definition of success is he who dies with the most toys wins. He tells us he’s been getting a lot of compliments on his suit today. Kendrick isn’t sure about this version of himself, and neither is the crowd. Kendrick says he hates “this guy”, throws his briefcase on the ground and begins taking his suit off as he continues to ramble on about whatever. He says life is suffering, and suffering stems from desire. He says the “god voice” inside him is stronger than any fear in existence. Aries says the belt belongs to him and Kendrick is disrespecting. Aries then makes a gay joke about testicles before calling Kendrick a fraud and that he’s afraid of Aries. Kendrick begins decking Aries. He tries for Sliced Bread #2, but Aries slides out of the ring and runs to the back.

Backstage, Bischoff looks pissed on his couch. Hogan comes in, thinking it’s 1984 as he flexes and rambles on in his Hogan-esque way about I don’t even know what. Bischoff says that they pissed off “The Network”, and because of what Bischoff and Hogan have said and done, we get a 3-way at No Surrender between Angle, Sting and Anderson for the title. Hogan says they can’t do this. Bischoff says it’s done. Hogan says he runs the company and is in control, not them. Hogan says it can’t get any worse as he shakes his head.

Up next, the 4-Corners Match.

We see Jeff Hardy wandering around backstage.

MATCH 5-4-Corners Match: Bully Ray vs. Gunner vs. Bobby Roode vs. James Storm
Christy Hemme announces this as a “4-Corners Tornado Match”. I’m going to assume that means all four guys are in the ring at once. Nice of them to tell us of this added stipulation just moments before the match starts. On a side note, I’ve seen indy rings bigger than TNA’s. Just saying. Not sure why they didn’t just make this a tag team match, since you know neither team will attack each other. Samoa Joe begins to walk down to the ring, but Matt Morgan attacks him from behind. Security is on these guys as the match has started. Ray is paired off with Roode while Gunner is with Storm. Storm with some punches and a forearm off the ropes. Ray hits him with a forearm, followed by some punches in the corner. Roode hits Ray with punches. Beer Money with a double back elbow on Ray and a double clothesline on Gunner. Gunner hits Roode with a clothesline for 2. Ray gets mad and says he’s supposed to win. Gunner knocks Roode down with another clothesline before throwing him into Ray for another clothesline. Best. Match. Ever. Gunner with some shots in the corner, but Roode counters as Storm hits a top rope cross body on Ray for 2. Storm with a clothesline and a neckbreaker on Gunner for 2. Ray hits a big boot on Storm before getting rolled up for 2 by Roode. Roode with a boot out of the corner and a middle rope blockbuster. Spinebuster on Gunner for 2, but Ray breaks it up. Roode throws him out before a double team suplex with Storm on Gunner. Ray back in with a double clothesline, followed by a uranage on Storm for 2. He hits Roode with the Bully Bomb, but turns around into a running knee by Gunner for 3.

WINNER: Gunner. Does anyone else think Gunner looks like the kind of guy who drives around in a white panel van with “Candy & Naps” painted on the side?

We see more of Jeff Hardy walking around backstage. Man, has his return been exciting!

Not sure if I want to see “Contagion” or not.

Wow. I just realized there’s only about 3 minutes left on this show. Guess Jeff Hardy’s not going to get that much time the luck. In the words of the Huntsman, “Darn the luck! Darn!” Seriously though, I have a feeling this show is going to go long because of this stupid Jeff Hardy crap.

Next week, we get Ric Flair and Sting one more time. I, for one, am just ecstatic.

Back from commercial, and Jeff Hardy is making his way to the ring. He looks either stoned or depressed. I suppose it could be both. Look who we’re talking about here, after all. Hardy thanks the crowd for their applause, saying he doesn’t deserve. For once, he’s right. He thanks “The Network” for letting him come out here. He says the last time he was here, he was pathetic and messed up. He talks about the infamous 82-second match with Sting at Victory Road, and says he let everyone down. He got here today, and the stress was overwhelming. He almost felt hated. He says there’s a ton of people mad at him in the back, and they have every right to be. He hit rock bottom at Victory Road. Jeff says he can’t expect everyone to forgive him and give him another chance. Great! So get the hell off my TV. He then asks for one more shot. The crowd starts a “One more shot” chant. Remind me to never go to Huntsville. Jeff says all he can do is ask, then drops the microphone.

End of show.

So…that’s what TNA hyped for a week, an apologetic Jeff Hardy, pretending to try and hold back tears? That’s just great.

Honestly, nothing good on this week’s show. The matches sucked, and the promos were worse. Normally, you can get at least a good X-division match on Impact, but not even that this time.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 09-01-11 – Sting Challenges Kurt Angle

September 02, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Sting vs Kurt AngleAnd we’re back for another edition of Impact Wrestling for 9/1/11. Tonight, TNA goes out of the comfort of the Impact Zone and will be taping (known as “going live” in Dixie Carter’s world) tonight’s show in Huntsville, Alabama. Next week’s show will be “live” from there, too. Before we get into the recap, there are two things I’d like to address.

The first of the two subjects is Hulk Hogan’s recent comments during an interview with website GoTriad.com. For those that don’t know, Hogan was interviewed by the site recently, specifically discussing TNA. When discussing why TNA is an alternative to WWE, Hogan had the following remarks:

“We’ve got a lot of young guys who are pushing hard,” he said. “And we’re trying to take our own course of destiny and make wrestling matter again. We’re not really focused on skits and entertainment and backstage antics. We’re more focused on keeping the action as much as we can in the ring.”

This immediately begs the question ‘Does Hogan even watch the show he stars on?’ For starters, he talks about all the young guys pushing hard to get noticed. That’s true, but a lot of fat good it does them when the top three stars on the show-Hogan, Sting and Flair-are all well over 50 years old. In Flair’s case, he’s over 60! Second, Hogan says that TNA is not focused on skits and entertainment and backstage antics, and keeping focus on actual wrestling instead. As an example, let’s take a look at last week’s show. I went through and looked at each segment (because I have that kind of time), and the show broke down as follows: 3 long-winded in-ring promos, 10 backstage segments, 1 skit and 5 matches. To top that off, those 5 matches took up roughly 30 minutes of a 2-hour show. And this is just one example. Look at any other episode of Impact over the last 2 or 3 years (if not further back), and you’ll wind up with similar results. Well, at least Hogan’s definitely got the “not focused on entertainment” part right.

The second issue I want to mention real quick is the Matt Hardy situation. For those that don’t know, Matt posted a YouTube video that basically seemed like a suicide note. This resulted in fans calling the cops to head over to sister-in-law Beth’s house to check on him. The result? Not only was Matt fine, but he immediately claimed the video was not a suicide note, but the rebirth of his career. This, despite the fact that everything in the video indicated it was indeed a suicide note. Not only did this piss a lot of fans off, but also pissed of Beth and even best friend Gregory Helms. Even Jim Ross, who normally doesn’t acknowledge stuff like this, called it a very embarrassing publicity stunt.

Honestly, this is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen a wrestler do. It boils down to this-Matt Hardy was bummed because no one was paying attention to him anymore, did this to get people talking, then claimed it wasn’t what everyone thought it was. Twitter user @Evil_Mr_McMahon (check him out, BTW. He posts some really funny stuff) said it best when he posted a picture of a Matt Hardy figure hanging from a noose, holding a sign that said “Am I trending yet?”

Matt, if I had any respect left for you at all, it’s completely gone. You are a worthless piece of garbage. You have have brought pain and suffering to your friends and family, and even the fans who have been following you for years. No one gives a damn about you anymore, and you have no one to blame but yourself. Now, you claim you’ve announced your retirement. Good. Maybe people will stop talking about you and trying to make you relevant.

Speaking of things no one talks about, let’s get into the Impact recap!

Much to the surprise of no one, Hulk Hogan starts the show off. Hogan’s got a new Affliction knock-off t-shirt for Immortal. Am I the only one who has noticed that practically ever t-shirt TNA comes out with is an Affliction knockoff? Hogan says the power of Immortal is running wild tonight, brother. He says he’s been in business meetings all week long, and “The Network” is standing behind the offer Sting made to Ric Flair for a match for September 15th. He reminds us that if Flair wins, Sting retires, but if Sting wins, he gets a match with Hogan and we all die a little inside. Hogan says Sting’s only wanted Hogan in the ring for the past 10 years. He says he can make decisions on the spot like “The Network”, and that it’s time that Immortal stops bowing down to them, and they bow down to him instead. Hogan says Sting will only get Hogan in the ring when Hogan is good and ready.

Battle Dome Champion Kurt Angle makes his way to the ring for whatever reason. I noticed practically the entire upper deck of this arena is tarped off. Angle gets in the ring and hugs Hogan before getting a microphone. Hogan says that, before they get to business tonight, he has some bad news. He’s sorry that Dixie Carter used and manipulated Angle, and that she can never run the company again. I lose track of how many times the word “brother” has been used. Hogan calls Angle “Dr. Angle”, and says he wants Angle to drag Sting to the ring, perform life-saving surgery and cut the cancer that is Sting from the company.

Angle says Hogan’s enemies are now his. He wants to add a veteran to the young talent he wants to cut out of TNA, and wants that to be Sting. Angle says Sting will get his title re-match tonight, and if Angle wins, he guarantees Sting won’t walk out of here under his own power.

Cue Sting’s music. Caesar Romero and Heath Ledger are both rolling over in their graves right now. Sting’s got his own microphone now, too. Hogan says no one wants to see Sting out here. Sting’s honored he’s on Angle’s list of people to destroy, and gives him the “heebie-jeebies”. He says it makes him think Angle likes him a lot. He likes Angle so much, he accepts Angle’s challenge right away. Sting will wrestle Angle tonight. He says it starts with taking the gold from Angle, then it’s on to Ric Flair, then onto Hulkamania. He’s circling Hogan as he says this. Sting says when he signs that contract, Hogan’s power will be gone. That must be some magical contract.

Sting starts to leave, but Hogan stops him. Hogan wants to know who Sting thinks he is. He reminds Sting he calls the shots, and announces he’ll be the special enforcer in the Angle/Sting match tonight. Sting laughs as Hogan tries to act 40 years younger by strutting around the ring.

We get a recap of Samoa Joe beating up Crimson last week. Back “live”, Matt Morgan is at the commentary table again.

We get a recap of the BFG series. Bully Ray, Bobby Roode, James Storm each talk about how they’ll win. Bully Ray is in the lead with 49 points. Crimson, Devon, Matt Morgan and D’Angelo Dinero are all out with injuries, while Samoa Joe has -10 points.

MATCH 1-BFG Series Match: Gunner vs. Rob Van Dam
This match hasn’t even started and Gunner’s already putting me to sleep. Taz says that whoever wins here will be in the final four of the series. Tie-up to start. Gunner elbows out of a waistlock. Samoa Joe makes his way to ringside as RVD hits a spinning heel kick for 2. I don’t know what’s going on in the match because the camera is focused on Joe and Morgan, who has come down to intercept Joe. Joe kicks Morgan below the belt before indy security sends him to the back. Back in the ring, RVD has a side headlock on Gunner. Great camera work here, TNA. Gunner elbows out of a waistlock before RVD hits 2 more spinning heel kicks for 2. RVD gets a shoulder in the corner, but Gunner boots off a charge. Outside the ring, Gunner hits a bodyslam on the floor. Back in the ring, Gunner gets 2 as “security” is still trying to get rid of Joe. Gunner with some shots before hitting an atrocious slingshot suplex. He misses a clothesline and walks into a superkick. RVD gets 2 of a couple of clotheslines. RVD with a bodyslam and Rolling Thunder for 2. RVD goes for a corner whip and gets an elbow off a reversal, but runs right into a clothesline for 2. Now Jerry Lynn is walking down to the ring. RVD hits another pair of kicks before exiting the ring and telling Lynn to get out of here. Lynn storms off angry. Back in the ring, RVD goes for the Five-Star, but changes his mind. Gunner gets a small package for 2. RVD with a body scissors for 2. Gunner with some shots now. RVD catches a kick in the corner before botching a top rope side kick that gets 2. RVD with a another spin kick variation for 2. He goes up top for the Five-Star, but Gunner’s holding the ref. Behind the ref’s back, Lynn comes back down and shoves RVD off the top rope. Gunner hits a running knee to get 3.

WINNER: Gunner. Gunner gets 7 more points. RVD has a goose egg on his head.

Later tonight, A.J. Styles will face Christopher Daniels, and we get the World title match.

The entire knockouts division is heading to the ring. Supposedly, Eric Bischoff has a big announcement concerning all of them. Commercials.

Back from the break, Bisch is coming down with Scarecrow from “Batman: The Animated Series”. Hmmm? That’s Traci Brooks? Oh. That would explain Ebenezer’s boobs being much bigger than I remember. Bischoff says he’s never had the pleasure of working with such a tremendous group of individuals. I’m guessing he means the knockouts. He calls the knockouts the heart and soul of the company, and one of the keys to success for TNA. However, this doesn’t change the fact they’re still women, and as women, they don’t know how to shut up or keep focus. He says all the female crap is driving him up a wall, which is why when Traci convinced him only a woman knows how to manage another woman and provide leadership to the division, and after Traci proved she would do anything to help the division, he said what the hell. He then announces the next V.P. of the knockouts division (he sends Traci to a corner), then announces Karen Jarrett as the new V.P. Oddly enough, Karen Jarrett comes out to Traci’s old entrance music, with Jeff Jarrett’s music spliced in.Jeff comes out with her. What is with this company and horse-faced broads?

Karen assures Eric he’s made the right decision, and that she’s proud of every woman in the division, but they all have a long way to go. She says the difference between them and her is she’s a lady, and the rest of them are not. My ears are bleeding. The crowd starts a “She’s a ho” chant. Karen says she’ll take care of her first piece of business now, addressing ODB and Jackie. She announces they’re full-time members of the roster now. She then addresses Traci. She says she knows Traci is disappointed, as she REALLY put herself out there on this one, but there’s still a place for her in TNA, and that’s beneath Karen. So…Karen’s a lesbian now? Oh. She wants Traci to be her executive assistant. Got it. She wants Traci to bow at her feet. As for the rest of the knockouts, if they look at her the wrong way, they’ll all be back at Larry’s Cabaret where they belong. Her voice cracked like a teenager during this promo. My ears bled even more. She says she looks forward to all the knockouts serving her. Me, too. I go to that same Village Inn all the time.

During the last commercial break, Mickie James knocked Winter down in the ring. It was amazing. No, really. Groundbreaking stuff.

MATCH 2: Austin Aries and Kid Kash vs. World X-Division Champion Brian Kendrick and Jesse Sorensen
Kendrick’s new music is horrible, and the nickname “The Wizard of Odd” will never get over, Tenay. Kendrick and Aries start off. Aries immediately tags in Kash. Kash goes for the legs, but Kendrick’s too quick. Tie-up, but Kash throws him down. Kendrick with an arm drag, a hip toss and another arm drag. Sorensen tags in and hits a dropkick and an arm drag. Kash with some knees in the ropes. Tenay tries to say that there is nothing like the X-division in all of wrestling, except for, you know, the fact that it’s a glorified cruiserweight division now and those exist all over the world. Kash tags in Aries before hitting a bodyslam. Aries with a jumping elbow for 2, followed by a face stomp. He throws Sorensen into Kash’s boot before hitting a chop. Kash back in with some more chops and kicks. Aries back with more chops. Sorensen punches his way out of the corner. He shoves Aries into Kash before hitting a double dropkick to both men. Sorensen tags in Kendrick. Typical “hot tag” offense here. He gets 2 on Kash after a leg lariat, but Aries breaks it up. More kicks. Kendrick tags in Sorensen, and they are going for some type of Doomsday Device-like move, but Aries slides off Kendrick’s shoulders and shoves him into Sorensen in the corner. Aries up to the middle rope, looking for a superplex. Kendrick climbs up and gets under Aries’ legs. Kash gets into the corner under Kendrick in powerbomb position. I’m sure you can guess what this leads to. Yes, the stupid “Tower of Doom” spot, except it looks pretty heavily botched. Sorensen back drops Kash over the top rope, but Aries trips him up on a run attempt, pulling him to the outside and into the guardrail. Aries with a suicide dive, but Kendrick hits his own. They’re brawling to the back. Kash up top with a flying clothesline. He hits a release rotating suplex and then goes for a powerbomb, but Sorensen rolls through into a sunset flip for 3.

WINNERS: Brian Kendrick and Jesse Sorensen.

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We get an awful video package of the relationship between Winter and Angelina Love. Seeing these two broads try to act is like having a root canal.

Backstage, Angelina Love is stroking her leg. Winter says there have been so many incarnations before this, some she has shared with her “beautiful baby”. She says there will be more to come, but this one is the most precious to her. She says if Mickie James tries to take the moment away from her, she will suck the life force from her rotting bones. Then they drink fake blood. Has Dixie Carter been playing a lot of D&D lately or something? Perhaps she’s just become obsessed with “Twilight”.

Mickie James says she’s tired of all of this with Winter, and tonight, she’ll wrestle her ass off and Winter needs to bring her A-game. It doesn’t really matter, as Winter’s A-game is a level Z-game for most wrestlers.

Back from commercial, we get a bunch of wrestlers talking about Jeff Hardy in a video package. Jeff Hardy speaks “live” next week. Wonderful.

Backstage, Kurt Angle says he’ll eliminate Sting before he eliminates the other wrestlers. Hogan walks into the locker room and says that Angle needs to go to New York and take “The Network” out since they’ve approved of Jeff Hardy coming back next week. He wants Kurt Angle to kill “The Network”. Angle couldn’t have said “all right” any more casually. He very angrily slams his paper coffee cup on the floor. It’s all the cup’s fault!

We get a bunch of crowd shots as Mike Tenay is rambling on about Jeff Hardy.

MATCH 3-Knockouts Championship: Mickie James vs. Knockouts Champion Winter (w/Angelina Love)
Mickie James’ singing voice sounds a hell of a lot like a dying burro. What prison does Angelina Love go to for her tattoo work, anyway? James attacks Winter in the corner. They tie up. James with a snapmare. They trade wristlocks. James with a la magistral for 2. James is working the left arm. Winter bites her way out into an arm wringer. James fights out and hits some forearms and a dragon screw. James goes for a leglock, but can’t seem to figure out how to put it on as Winter immediately gets to the ropes. Winter backs James into a corner with some shoulder thrusts. James comes back with the Taco Twister and a neckbreaker. James up top while Winter has the ref distracted. Love tries to get on the apron, but James knocks her off and hits a Thesz Press from the top on Winter. Love is back up, but James knocks her back down. Love tries to throw the Knockouts belt into the ring, but Earl Hebner catches it and throws it right at Love’s stupid face. Okay, he actually just threw it to the corner like a piece of trash. Winter hits some forearms as Hebner sends Love to the locker room. Winter with some knees to the back. She goes for a double chicken wing, but James fights out. Winter hits her back down. James trips her up and goes for the leglock she forgot how to do earlier. She momentarily forgets again before going for a sloppy half Boston Crab. Winter gets to the ropes, but James slingshots her off. James with some clotheslines and a flapjack. James goes for the standing tornado DDT, but Winter casually pushes her off. They simultaneously facebust each other. Winter goes for her swinging side slam, but James slides out into a roll-up for 2. Winter reverses into a roll-up for 2. James hits the standing tornado DDT, but Winter gets her foot in the ropes. Winter hits a step-up enziguri for 2. Winter takes her wrist band off and looks to choke James with it, but Hebner gets it away. James hits the Mick Kick to win the match and the title.

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WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: Mickie James. Mickie James pretends to cry after the match. So much for Mickie James never taking that moment away from her.

We get a highlight package of the relationship between A.J. Styles and Christopher Daniels.

Matt Morgan is coming back out to the ring. He randomly takes his shirt off as he makes his way ringside. He says that we’ve had to see Samoa Joe put out half the roster with injuries over the past few weeks, and trying to take on “The Blueprint” is suicidal. He wants Joe to face him man-to-man for an “Alabama ass whipping”. He wants Joe’s “fat, dumpy ass” right now. Here comes Joe’s fat, dumpy ass. He’s staring at Morgan in the ring. He throws the ref to the guardrail before climbing in the ring. Joe and Morgan brawl. You can tell this is just a brawl because they’re wearing street clothes. This only happens in nonsense brawls or street fights, you know. Joe picks Morgan up on his shoulder, but Morgan fights out with some punches and a discuss clothesline. Matt’s selling his chest injury. He hits the barking back elbow thing in the corner and a running hip bump. These are the exact kinds of things I do when I get into fights, too. Joe slides out to the floor and pulls Morgan down with him. More brawling. Morgan throws Joe into the ring post before hitting some punches. Joe’s trying to grow a faux hawk. Morgan goes for the Carbon Footprint, but referee Jackson James (aka Bischoff’s kid) jumps in front of him. Morgan picks him up and throws him, but Joe kicks Morgan in the testes again. Joe gets a chair and hits Morgan over the back. Morgan can’t decide whether to sell the nut shot or the chair shot. Morgan climbs up the ring post, where Joe hits him with a chair again, this time on the arm. He goes for another chair shot, but the Hebners come out to squash that, because two undersized referees are far too terrifying for a fat Samoan with a chair. Joe rambles nonsensically to the camera.

Considering there’s only about a half an hour of show left, expect the Styles/Daniels and Angle/Sting matches to be incredibly short.

We see Rob Terry working out in a gym before Robbie E comes in, pretending to lift weights. He asks Terry again if he’d like to be Robbie E’s bodyguard before we hear someone yelling. It’s Eric Young as he nonsensically lifts one of the gym benches in his underwear. Glad to see he’s doing stuff like this, which is very important, and not at all defending the TV title he won a few months ago, which is completely meaningless. Although, to be fair, the TV IS pretty meaningless, so I guess it all works out. Eric Young calls Robbie E “Johnny D”, then challenges him to a TV title match next week. Robbie E accepts. Robbie E says that, when people hang with him, big things happen. Rob Terry goes back to alternating bicep curls. Good to know that, in TNA, you don’t have to do a damn thing or beat anyone to qualify for title matches. As long as you are a parody of Dixie Carter’s favorite show, you’ll have a job in TNA forever. Just ask Cookie! Oh, wait…maybe it’s only if you’re a man.

Backstage, Styles and Daniels are talking about their match. Styles says he’s coming at Daniels, and Daniels says he wouldn’t want it any other way. Styles says it’s no problem, but this is the last time they’re wrestling. Styles asks Daniels if he knows who’s coming back. Daniels very astutely responds with “Again?” Styles responds even more astutely with “And again, and again. I guess life’s full of third and fourth chances.” God, even the TNA wrestlers are making fun of Jeff Hardy coming back. Ditsy Carter still must’ve not gotten that memo. I hear she’s also been having problems with her TPS reports.

Backstage, Hogan is yelling to the Goblins about Jeff Hardy. Then he turns to Sting. There’s seven of them and only one of him, and with him as special enforcer tonight, he feeds off their energy. They need to keep their eyes and ears open because they could be needed at any moment. He says this is “one more mountain we need to mow down”. Since when does anyone mow mountains? They all shake hands as Abyss looks on in the background. I guess he’s the loser of the group. Every group has one person they make fun of. Like us with Elaine.

MATCH 4: Christopher Daniels vs. A.J. Styles
Normally, a match between two of my favorite wrestlers would be something I’d greatly enjoy. However, they’ve maybe got 10 minutes here, maybe, which just isn’t enough time for these two to show off their talents. They shake hands to start the match before tying up. They do a quick exchange and Styles gets a 1-count off a school boy. Daniels is frustrated already. Daniels with a side headlock. Styles tries to throw him off, but Daniels holds on. Shoulder block by Daniels and a roll-up variation for 2. Styles hits a nice dropkick. Daniels backs Styles into the corner and goes back to the headlock. Styles throws him off and catches a bodyslam followed by the jumping knee for 2. Mike Tenay says that, after the show, it’s the “world series of beer pong”. Apparently, Spike TV will show any crap that someone is willing to film. Styles slams Daniels head-first into the corner, then gets a few shots in. Styles hits a delayed vertical suplex for 1. Daniels reverses an Irish whip and hits a jumping side kick, sending Styles to the floor. Daniels tries for a dive but misses. Styles gets to the apron and hits a hurricanrana to the floor. Back in, Styles gets 2 before going for the inverted STF variation. Daniels gets to the ropes. Daniels gets some gut shots in, but walks right into a backbreaker/rib breaker combo for 2. Styles hits a corner whip and a jumping corner clothesline. Daniels lands on his feet out of a suplex, and Styles runs right into a boot in the corner. Daniels hits a quick STO. Daniels with several shots and a step-up enziguri, but Styles comes back with a Superman for 2. Daniels hits some palm strikes to the chest before they trade chops. Styles hits a Pele, sending Daniels to the corner. Styles charges in, but Daniels catches a kick to the head. Styles goes for the Lionsault into the inverted DDT, but Daniels holds onto the ropes and hits a split-legged moonsault. Styles back up with a powerbomb attempt. Daniels reverses into the Angel’s Wings, but Styles reverses that into a back body drop. Styles trips Daniels up in the corner and goes for Superman again, but botches it and hot shots himself gut-first on the top rope. Daniels immediately pins him.

WINNER: Christopher Daniels. Good match, but the ending was bizarre. Not sure why they’d end a match on a botch like that, intentional or accidental. After the match, Styles offers a handshake, but Daniels blows him off.

Up next, ANOTHER Angle/Sting match. For variety, Hogan will limp around the ring, pretending to be a referee.

MATCH 5-World Championship: Sting vs. World Champion Kurt Angle (special enforcer: Hulk Hogan)
Man, my left middle finger is stiff from getting tattooed today. Just saying. Hulk Hogan gets his own entrance, because why the hell not? He couldn’t even wear the sleeveless referee shirt? That’s lazy. Granted, he’s only the “enforcer”, but come on. Hogan’s arms kind of look like sausages hanging in a deli window. Just saying. Hogan gets his own introduction here, even before the wrestlers. Shows how they rank. Kurt Angle weighs 225, my ass. 190 at best. Tie-up to start. Sting gets the side headlock. Angle backs him into the corner. Another tie-up, another headlock by Sting. Shoulder block off the ropes by Sting. Sting reverses a hip toss into one of his own, followed by an arm drag that sends Angle to the floor. Why can’t Taz pronounce “frustrated” properly? Angle back in with some shots, backing Sting into the corner. Sting reverses a corner whip and hits a clothesline, sending Kurt back out. Sting follows and slams Angle into the guardrail and the steps. I just noticed the back of Hogan’s shirt says “I Am That I Am”. What the hell does that mean? Back in the ring, Angle tries to climb to the middle turnbuckle as Sting hits a Stinger Splash. Angle holds on and turns it into an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Angle with a front facelock now. Taz mentions that Angle is training for the Olympics still, and says he’s in the best shape he’s ever seen Angle in. Not even close, on both accounts. Sting fights out, but Angle gets a sleeper. Sting turns the sleeper into a back suplex. Angle runs into a back elbow and a pair of clotheslines. Angle elbows out of the corner, but Sting kicks him in the stomach and hits a DDT. Sting misses a clothesline, and Angle turns it into the triple German suplexes he learned from that dead guy for 2. Angle goes for the Angle Slam, but Sting counters into the Scorpion Death Drop for 2. Sting’s going for the Scorpion Death Lock, but Angle turns it into the ankle lock. Sting rolls through and kicks him off. Angle misses a shoulder charge in the corner. Sting goes for the Death Drop again, but Angle throws him off and hits the Angle Slam for 2. Sting hits a clothesline off a corner charge and goes for the Death Lock again. Sting gets it on this time, but he’s not sitting down far enough. Hogan gets on the apron as Gunner runs down to the ring with a chair. He goes for a head shot, but referee Brian Hebner gets the chair away from him. Sting back drops Gunner as Hogan gets in the ring. Angle is tapping behind the ref’s back as Hogan hits Sting in the chest with a chair. Sting no-sells it, but then gets Angle Slammed onto the chair for the 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Kurt Angle. After the match, Sting knocks Angle back out of the ring with some punches, then turns around to Hogan. Hogan tries for a handshake, but the rest of the H.O.G.s run and attack Sting with the chair. Mr. Anderson runs into the ring with a baseball bat and wipes everyone except Blubber Ray out. Ray runs away. Hey, remember when Sting and Anderson were feuding? Neither does anyone at TNA.

End of show.

The sub-main event was good, but short (as I predicted). And, as I said, the ending was just strange. As for the main event, I felt like I had seen the match before. Probably because I have seen it every single time Sting and Angle wrestle. Probably.

TNA Impact Wrestling September 1, 2011 Results…
Gunner defeated Rob Van Dam in a Bound for Glory match
Brian Kendrick and Jesse Sorrensen beat Kid Kash and Austin Arie
Mickie James defeated Winter to become TNA Knockouts champion
Christopher Daniels defeated AJ Styles
Kurt Angle defeated Sting

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Gerri Davis Banner, NPC National Level Heavyweight and Masters Female Bodybuilder

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 08-11-11 – Hardcore Justice Fallout

August 11, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Kurt AngleWelcome back to the Impact Wrestling recap for the 8-11-11 TNA Impact Wrestling edition. The show starts off with a recap of Hardcore Justice’s main event which seemingly saw yet another pointless heel turn, this time in Kurt Angle.

Starting off the actual show is the H.O.G.s. Steiner has a new t-shirt on, and dear lord, does it look stupid. Blubber Ray has a “Vince Neil Ink” shirt on. As cool as it sounds. Ray tells Abyss he’s turning into a major disappointment, talking about how A.J. Styles pinned him in the 6-man at the PPV. He tells Abyss he’s on thin ice with Bischoff. Blubber Ray says that there will be a 4-way BFG series match tonight, Ray vs. Steiner vs. Gunner vs. Crimson. He says Crimson’s undefeated streak will end and he’ll get the pinfall. Then the conversation turns to Mr. Anderson. Blubber says it blows his mind that fans like Anderson.

Blows my mind, too, as there’s nothing good about Anderson at all. Ray talks about the match they had at the PPV, saying that Anderson kept coming back after everything Blubber threw at him. Blubber says he underestimated Anderson’s toughness, calls him a tough S.O.B. (what does ‘Save Our Bluths’ have to do with this?) and that he belongs in Immortal, and that the issues between Ray and Anderson are over as far as Ray is concerned. Ray calls himself a better wrestler than Anderson, but that he’s still tough. He offers a handshake to Kenny, who begins laughing at Ray. Anderson won’t shake his hand, and instead chooses to look like a cow chewing a cud. Ray calls Anderson a stupid sonofabitch and a moron for not taking him seriously. Anderson begins to lay in some punches on every member of the H.O.G.s until Abyss clubbers him from behind. Ray’s got the chain wrapped around his hand, and he hits Anderson in the face with it. Anderson is very obviously gigging right now. Steiner calls him a “subab*tch” and punches him, then chokes him with a chair. The security indy wrestlers try to break the fight up, but no luck. Steiner goes back to the choking game. D-Lo Brown, Al Snow and Pat Kenney run in to try and stop the beating, leading to the indy wrestler paramedics to come out and haul Anderson away on a stretcher. Seriously? They are acting like Anderson’s bleeding like a stuck pig, and he has just the tiniest of cuts on his head that has just a tiny trickle of blood coming down.

Back from commercial, and they show Anderson tied to a stretcher with a neck brace on, getting loaded into a meat wagon. Laying it on way too thick here.

In Bischoff’s office, he says to Immortal that he made a mistake and that Anderson was a huge mistake, and that he won’t make that kind of a mistake again. He says both Angle and Hogan are on their way to the “arena”. He then says that he and Abyss need to talk.

MATCH 1-#1 Contenders Match for the Knockouts Title: Madison Rayne vs. Mickie James
Look! It’s my soul mate! Although I’m having a hard time telling which is which here. Like when good Kirk meets bad Kirk, although I’m not sure which is which. I think Rayne is the one wearing camouflage, but it’s hard to see her with the outfit on. Ha! I kill me. Mickie starts with a roll-up as Rayne gets her hair caught in her tiara. She throws her bracelet at James before an eye rake and a kick for 2. Rayne’s grinding Mickie’s face into the mat now, and now goes for what I call the “Taco Twister” before James reverses out into a roll-up for 2. She gets some shots in and a dropkick that featured a pointless spin for 2. Rayne reverses an Irish whip with an elbow, but runs into a flapjack. James up top and gets the Thesz press. She puts Rayne’s tiara on on for some reason. This leads to the standing tornado DDT, and this one’s over.

WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: Mickie James. Meh. Is it just me, or has Mickie James gotten really sloppy in the ring since joining TNA? Oh, and on a side note, James has raised over $9,000 from fans to pay for a new country album. For one, why are fans paying to have the album made when they will have to pay again once it’s released? For another, who in the hell thought Mickie James should have a second album? Have you heard her voice? I’d rather drill screws into my toes than listen to that.

Kurt Endgame has just shown up to the Impact Zone. Thanks for showing up to work on time, Kurt!

In the ring is Robbie E along with the best thing in TNA, Cookie. Austin Aries is at the commentator’s table for the next match.

MATCH 2: Robbie E (w/Cookie) vs. World X-Division Champion Brian Kendrick (non-title)
While I applaud Kendrick getting new music, that didn’t mean he needed to trade in his normal gear for Hammer pants. Robbie starts off with some stomps. His hair is retarded, even for a “Jersey Shore” parody. Kendrick answers back with forearms, but Robbie continues to lay in shots. Robbie with a chinlock now, but Kendrick fights out of it. He starts to run, but takes a back elbow. Kendrick rolls to the outside and gets a foot choke from Cookie. Now Robbie E and Cookie are fighting for some reason. Kendrick continues to fight back, but with no luck. Robbie goes for a suplex, but Kendrick fights out with forearm shots. He hits a flying forearm and jumping side kick. Kendrick goes for Sliced Bread #2, but Robbie throws him off. Cookie tries to spray Kendrick in the eyes, but he ducks and Robbie takes the spray. Kendrick hits Sliced Bread #2 and gets the win.

WINNER: Brian Kendrick. One of the worst X-Division performances I’ve seen in a long time, unless you truly love watching forearm shots, as this match was loaded with them. Cookie looked damn good, though.

Backstage, Pope and Devon are in the back talking. Devon gives Pope props for winning on Sunday, and he didn’t want to take the BFG points the way Pope wanted him to, which is why he slapped him around. Devon says they are in a tag team match for more points tonight, and that he needs those points. Pope says no problem, but Devon has trust issues.

In the parking lot, Mr. and Mrs. Diet Shasta Orange once again offend an entire country, this time pretending to be Mexican by wearing traditional Spanish garb.

Backstage (WRESTLING….MATTERS!!!!!!), Cookie and Robbie E are getting into a fight. Robbie says he’s had enough and storms off. Cookie says “Peace out, douchebag!”

We then get a recap of the BFG series matches at Hardcore Justice, where D’Angelo Dinero and Crimson earned 7 points a piece in their respective matches. Crimson’s in first place with 43 points with James Storm in 2nd with 33.

MATCH 2-BFG Series 3-Way Tag Team Match: Devon and D’Angelo Dinero vs. World Tag Team Champions Beer Money Inc. (Bobby Roode and James Storm) vs. A.J. Styles and RobVan Dam
Once again, only the guy getting the winning fall gets any points here. Why even do these tag matches then? RVD has his left hand taped up pretty heavily. Christopher Daniels has joined in on commentary. Commercial.

Pope and RVD start. They trade basic moves and RVD gets a 2-count off a body scissors before locking in an arm drag. Styles tags in and bodyslams Pope before hitting the jumping knee for 2. Styles drops some elbows for another 2. Pope hits some shots and Storm gets in a blind tag on Styles. They hit a version of the Hart Attack on Pope. Pope with a back elbow and he tags in Devon. Pope gets a jumping clothesline for Devon to score a 2. Storm boots out of the corner and hits a middle rope European uppercut. Storm tags Roode in while Devon tags in Pope. Roode with a flying forearm and a corner clothesline. Pope boots out of another corner charge, but runs right into a spinebuster. The pin gets broken up by RVD. Storm kicks RVD in the back of the head, and Roode gets a nice DDT in on RVD. Styles with the Superman on Roode. Devon comes in and gives Styles a chokeslam and clears everyone else out. Pope holds Roode for Devon, but Devon misses with a middle rope shoulder block, hitting Pope instead. Storm takes Devon out and Roode hits the payoff on Pope for the 3.

WINNER: Bobby Roode, who scores 7 points and takes 2nd place with 35 points. You want to talk about a clusterf***, this match was it. Matches less than five minutes long should not feature so many wrestlers. Oh, and Christopher Daniels didn’t say word number one during commentary. What the hell was the point of him being there, then?

Up next, Battle Dome Champion Kurt Angle will explain his actions.

Anyone else find it funny that John Cena’s cousin sings Kurt Angle’s Don Henley ripoff entrance theme? Angle’s out with a chair. I’m sure he will just be using it to sit on. I’m sure of it. He thanks everyone for asking him “Why, Kurt, why?” He says he’s truth, justice and the American way, and that’s who he stands for. He has respect for everyone, but anyone who doesn’t respect him in return has a problem. He apologizes to Sting for what he did at the PPV, and that Sting was in the wrong place in the wrong time. Angle says this isn’t about him joining the dark side, but getting his integrity back. That ship has long sailed, Kurt. Apparently, he’s been talking to someone who is close to Karen and Jeff Jarrett who says that all wrestlers are scumbags. He says it wasn’t a wrestler or his ex-wife. Angle says another person was supposed to be looking out for Angle, and the person is Dixie Carter. He says he told Dixie all about Jeff and Karen, and she called him paranoid. Angle says that, to avoid a PR disaster, he took the high road, and Dixie stabbed him in the back, and he needed to eliminate her right hand man, Sting. Angle says he’s going to take all of the young talent in TNA and hurt all of them and send them all home until he’s the only one left, and that as long as he’s in the company, Ditsy will never get her company back. Let’s make sure we keep him around until she’s dead, then.

As Angle’s walking to the back, Sting comes up on Angle’s lift on the stage. He has a bat, which he smacks into Angle’s chair several times until Angle drops it. Hogan comes out with a chair of his own and hits Sting across the back. Hope he didn’t break his hip again on that shot. Angle gets a mic and tells Sting that he’s Angle’s informant, and that payback for Sting and Ditsy.

I had a little trouble with my DVR at this point, so I may have missed something oh so thrilling.

When it comes back, we are about to start a match.

MATCH 3-Jackie and ODB vs. Knockouts Tag Team Champions Miss Tessmacher and Tara (non-title)
Why? We couldn’t possibly get another X-Division match instead of this crap? Ugh. Tessy and Jackie start off. This should be stunning. Tessy starts off with a side headlock. She runs into a shoulder , but hits a dropkick, a hip toss and drop toe hold before getting in a front chancery. Tara tags in and gets a sunset flip for 2. Tara with an arm wringer now. She throws Jackie into her corner, where ODB tags in. Tara with another arm wringer, and she tags in Tessy. ODB with forearms. Tessy reverses a corner whip and does a stinkface, which pisses ODB off. Tessy gets a small package for 2, but eats a clothesline in retaliation. I swear the small package is Tessy’s finisher. Both women tag out, and Tara hits a version of the halo for 2. Jackie boots Tara in the stomach and hits a snap suplex for 2. Jackie throws Tara into her corner and tags in ODB. ODB throws Tara into the corner and hits a couple shoulderblocks to the midsection. She catches Tara in a fall-away slam. ODB climbs to the top, but Tara trips her up and lands a superplex. Both women tag out, and Tessy hits some clothesline on Jackie before whipping her down by the hair.After a miscommunication, Tessy rolls up Jackie with a school boy and gets the 3.

WINNERS: Miss Tessmacher and Tara. This was an even worse clusterf*** than the BFG match. Just rubbish. Is that the theme for tonight?

Up next, we get some kind of “Mexican Endorsement” from the Jarretts. L. Ron Hubbard knows what the hell this is about.

Backstage (WRESTLING…ah, forget it. It really doesn’t matter here), a line of X-Division wrestlers (and some random blonde guy in aviators) are apparently waiting outside Bischoff’s office.

I hate you, Don West. I absolutely hate you.

In Bischoff’s office, he has all of the X-Division wrestlers (and the random blonde guy) in his office. He says that, due to the performances everyone put in at Destination X, the X-Division will now have a weight limit of 225 pounds, meaning Abyss can’t wrestle in the division anymore and next week, the other competitors in the division will have a gauntlet match to determine a new #1 contender to the X-Division championship. Austin Aries walks to Bischoff’s desk and says he doesn’t like anyone anymore than Eric does, and that he will be the one to make the division worthwhile. Bischoff kicks everyone out of his office except Abyss and Austin Aries, saying he wants to talk to Austin.

The Jarretts come out with the hideously defaced AAA Mega Championship. They show him defeating fellow TNA wrestler (that has never wrestled in TNA even once) El Zorro to win the belt. Jarrett begins by mispronouncing “Silencio”. He says that, although they have officially been crowned the king and queen of Mexico, that many still aren’t taking them seriously, and that this is all an act. Jarrett says he took down the entire AAA promotion by himself and renamed his championship the “Immortal World Championship”. Apparently, people have been telling Jarrett he doesn’t completely understand Mexican culture and that he needs to be endorsed by the Mexican people. He lists off a bunch of Mexican cities (and some American ones) that he went to and says that he got endorsed by some guys named Jose and Jos B (get it?), the Lopez brothers. Racism=comedy.

The Lopez brothers comes down, looing confused. They look familiar, but I’m not sure exactly who they are. Jarrett tells Jose that he needs to endorse the Jarretts and that they are truly the king and queen of Mexico. Jose doesn’t speak English, so he doesn’t know what’s going on. The Lopez brothers spot Hector Guerrero at the Spanish announce table and begin cheering him. Jose begins spouting off in Spanish. I don’t speak the language, but even I can tell he was just talking about how much he loves the Guerrero family. Jos B does the same thing. Jarrett punches them both and gets in a few more shots. Have I ever told you how Jarrett’s punches, kicks and elbows all look like crap? They do. Anyway, Hector runs down to the ring with a chair and chases the Jarretts off. This segment was offensive in so many ways.

You know, the only good that could come out of this angle would be that it’s an excuse to finally introduce El Zorro to the TNA audience, as he could look for revenge for his people and get his belt back. Of course, this IS TNA, so bet on Jarrett feuding and having a series of matches with Hector Guerrero instead.

Another segment with Eric Young in his car, which leads to him walking down Sunset Boulevard. He buys a star map off a guy with the old TNA World title belt before taking the belt back. He’s apparently looking for Scott Baio. God, this is terrible.

Backstage, Anderson has just come out of an ambulance with a bunch of blood dried to his head. He’s also limping. He then lets himself into Blubber Ray’s trailer. He grabs Ray’s chain wallet, but gets shoved into some lockers from behind by Gunner. Devon pushes the camera away and says “No witnesses”. Despite, you know, us already seeing them attack Anderson. As the camera’s pushed away, we hear him screaming and the sound of belts smacking a wall with the idea that Anderson is being whipped.

MATCH 4-BFG Series 4-Way Match: Crimson vs. Scott Steiner vs. Bully Ray vs. Gunner
Apparently, main events get a sponsor now, as Jeremy “Bloated Ken Doll” Borash says the main event is sponsored by 5-Hour Energy. Great. Now I know who to blame. According to Borash, Steiner is still at the University of Michigan. He still hasn’t graduated yet? Obviously, the story here is that Crimson is basically in a 3-on-1 match. Expect him to win and remain undefeated. There are tag rules here. Crimson and Ray start off. Ray immediately tags in Tom Cruise. He gets in some shots on Lance Sackless before Lance reverses an Irish whip into an elbow. He gets a back body drop in. Crimson with a cravat and a couple of knees gets 2. Back in the corner and Gunner elbows out, followed by a running sloppy clothesline for 2. Gunner hits some elbows before tagging in Blubber Ray. Ray immediately tags in Johnny Bravo. Steiner with a boot and some chops and some punches in the corner. Steiner looks terrible. He lays in some more chops, but Crimson gets a boot and some punches in. Gunner knees Crimson in the back, which leads to an overhead belly-to-belly by Steiner for 2. Steiner with yet more chops and a clothesline before doing the posing elbow and pushups. Why do the refs yell at him for doing this? Matt Morgan’s on commentary, BTW. Steiner with some stomps now, and he tags in Gunner. They do a double suplex which gets Gunner 2. Steiner is staying in the ring as Gunner goes for another pinfall. The ref has yet to get him out of there for some reason. They miss a double clothesline, but Crimson hits one on Steiner. He throws Gunner into Ray and then schoolboys him for 3.

WINNER: Crimson, who gets 7 more points. Kurt Angle charges out from the back and is beating Crimson with a shoe. Yes, a shoe. He throws Crimson back into the ring and is punching him in the head. It almost looks like he’s trying to bust Crimson open hardway. He takes off Crimson’s knee brace and starts hitting him in the back with it, followed by a shot to the head. Angle then begins doing a version of the ankle lock over the rope as Crimson hangs outside to the floor.

End of show.

This show was just…ugh. Just…dear lord, it was bad. A complete and utter mess from the get go. Not even the X-Division match was good.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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TNA Hardcore Justice Results & Recap – Kurt Angle Turns…Again!

August 07, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

TNA Hardcore Justice resultsKurt Angle vs. Sting ended about the same way most TNA pay per view main-events do. In somewhat of a screwy finish that left more questions than answers, Kurt Angle pinned Sting to win the TNA world championship at Hardcore Justice 2011 with a little help from Hulk Hogan.

Where do I begin? Well, let me say this before I go off on a bit of a tangent here. I am certainly not a TNA Wrestling fan. It is just not my cup of tea, but more power to those that enjoy it. Yet, I don’t hate them. So please don’t take my opinion as that of a “TNA hater.” It just isn’t my thing and well, this main-event reinforced it for me.

Angle and Sting wrestled in the main-event this Sunday night. The match went about 20 minutes. It wasn’t bad, but the crowd at the Impact Zone just weren’t into the bout, making it seem a lot worse than it probably was. Sting and Angle at one point traded finishing moves and the crowd didn’t pop at all for a potential finish. They just sat there waiting as if they knew the match would end with some kind of run-in or screw job and guess what? They were correct!

Angle knocked out referee Brian Hebner with an Eziguri, a kick to the head. At that point the Impact Zone fans got up on their feet as if they were all on cue. Hulk Hogan hobbled out to the ring with a steel chair. Sting, Angle, and the referee were down when Hogan measured up Sting. Angle got up first and grabbed the chair out of Hogan’s hands. Hogan retreated, Sting turned around, and Angle clocked him. An Angle Slam later and Kurt was the new TNA world champion. Was he in cahoots with Immortal or did he just seize an opportunity? I think we all know where this one is going.

How many times have we seen identically booked swerves like this in TNA Wrestling? How many times has Kurt Angle turned heel? How many times has a babyface argued with Immortal only to join them a few weeks later? How many times has a main-event ended with a screw finish? You get the idea. Hogan, Eric Bischoff, Vince Russo, and anyone else responsible for booking this finish are working Dixie Carter like a mark at an old school carnival. It is as if these ideas are on a 30-day cycle and they go back to square one at the end of the 30 days and start again. It’s beyond ridiculous!

The thing that may bug me worse than almost anything in TNA is that they end almost all of their pay per views on a cliff hanger. Instead of the logical idea of using your television to build up pay per views so people will pay to see the pay off, they book their pay per views to leave fans hanging with hopes that they will tune into Impact. Hey, it’s their product and they can do what they want, but maybe that is why most of their shows are averaging 8-10,000 buys? The whole philosophy makes zero sense to me and is unfair to the fans who got suckered into paying to see this show.

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As for Kurt Angle, I am a fan, a big fan. I still love watching him talk and wrestle, although tonight was certainly not one of his best matches. Kurt will now enjoy his fifth reign as TNA world champion, the most of any wrestler in TNA history. I honestly don’t have a big problem with it, but once again TNA falls back on the past instead of elevating new stars. Again, I like Angle so I am a little torn on this one. He is certainly a much better choice than Sting but at some point TNA has to freshen up the top.

So get ready for more of the same over the next few months TNA fans, because we are gearing up for the big Sting vs. Hulk Hogan match at Bound for Glory. I don’t get it. Hogan and Bischoff have been at it with Dixie Carter in this storyline for months. The ratings and the buyrates have fallen, yet they continue to shove this thing down their poor fan’s throats with very little end in sight.

You’d think with the kind of excitment the WWE is generating these days with their main storylines, that TNA would feel the pressure a little bit and step up their game. Nope and why should they when the guys booking this stuff have more job security than Peyton Manning.

Full TNA Wrestling Hardcore Justice 2011 results…
Brian Kendrick defeated Alex Shelley and Austin Aries in a three way match for the TNA X Division Championship
Ms. Tessmacher and Tara defeated Mexican America (Rosita and Sarita) (with Anarquia and Hernandez) in a TNA Knockout Tag Team Championship match
D’Angelo Dinero defeated Devon in the Bound for Glory Series
Winter (with Angelina Love) defeated Mickie James for the TNA Women’s Knockout Championship
Crimson defeated Rob Van Dam (with Jerry Lynn) by disqualification in the Bound for Glory Series
Fortune (A.J. Styles, Christopher Daniels, and Kazarian) defeated Immortal (Abyss, Gunner, and Scott Steiner)
Bully Ray defeated Mr. Anderson
Beer Money, Inc. (Bobby Roode and James Storm) defeated Mexican America (Anarquia and Hernandez) in a TNA World Tag Team Championship match
Kurt Angle defeated Sting for the TNA championship

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Ten Pieces of Talent in TNA Wrestling That Are Dead Weight

August 03, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

The Hardys taser Reby SkySo, after doing a top ten list for the ten best unsigned female wrestlers (which you can find on my blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com), I decided that maybe another one was in order.

It was a fun list and relatively easy for me to put together, so why not do another one? From there, I had to think, what could I do that would be relatively easy to put together and could be fun and entertaining at the same time. Surprisingly, it led me to an idea for TNA Wrestling, a company that the words “fun” and “entertaining” rarely ever apply to.

Regardless of what some people might think, I’d love to see TNA succeed as a company, as pro wrestling, at the mainstream level, needs competition. We all know WWE is the top company around, but in regards to competition, TNA is the company that has the best chance of being competition.

However, there are a lot of problems with this company (I won’t dwell on them all here) that are holding them back, one of which is talent. There is plenty of talent in the company, but there are a lot of people in the company who are lacking in the talent department are doing nothing but taking up space and holding the company back.

Now, I won’t go with the obvious of people like Hogan, Jarrett, Russo, Bischoff, etc., as we all know the problems they cause; I’m talking about actual wrestlers who are nothing but dead weight to the company, regardless of what those in TNA would have you believe. These are wrestlers that are simply wastes of money and/or taking up television time and space that could be devoted to far more talented wrestlers. So now, I present to you 10 Pieces of Talent in TNA That Are Dead Weight. (Note: I will be focusing on in-ring competitors here, so total wastes of space like Karen Jarrett will be omitted.)

10. EL ZORRO
Starting with number 10 is a name that, unless you’re a lucha libre fan, you may have never heard. Hell, you’re probably thinking I’m making this up and that there’s no one named El Zorro working for TNA. And while I certainly understand why you’d think that, you’re wrong. For those that don’t know, El Zorro is a star in AAA in Mexico, and is fact the man Jeff Jarrett beat to win the Mega Championship. Now, there is really nothing wrong with Zorro, as he’s a fairly decent wrestler. Not the best, but far from the worst. However, in this case, he’s dead weight. Why, do you ask? Because Zorro has been under contract to TNA, yet has never made ONE SINGLE APPEARANCE for the company. When I say that, I’m not talking just television; he has never wrestled on Xplosion or even on a TNA house show. Basically, he’s been paid the last 8 months to do nothing more than continue working in AAA. If TNA wants to hire international wrestlers such as Zorro, that’s fantastic. But why don’t they, you know, use the wrestler so the money’s not wasted? Just a thought. And people in the company wonder why they get compared to WCW during it’s dying years.

9. OKADA
Although Okada has made a few appearances on the TNA’s show, they have been few and far between. In fact, his last appearance was being on the receiving end of a total squash courtesy of D’Angelo Dinero. Aside from that, he has done nothing but act as Samoa Joe’s limo driver and pretend to be Kato from “The Green Hornet”, something that Dixie Carter thinks was brand new when the Seth Rogen movie came out. And maybe it’s just because I haven’t seen much out of his in-ring work, but what he has shown me just sucks. He could be better than this, I don’t know, but again, when you’ve got a wrestler under contract that never wrestles, who the hell knows how good or bad he is?

8. MURPHY
God, I feel like a broken record at this point. Murphy hasn’t been on the show for around 2 or 3 months now, and even when he was on the show, didn’t do jack aside from getting squashed by literally everyone on the roster. And he is just a lumbering oaf in the ring to boot. At least his former partner, Gunner, is slightly competent; Murphy’s friggin’ clown shoes.

7. ROB TERRY
You know, just because you’re big doesn’t mean you’re talented. When even Vince McMahon-who as we all know gets major chubbies for big guys-can’t get past your size because you suck so insanely badly in the ring, it’s time to reconsider your career choice. If you don’t believe me in regards to Terry’s sloppiness, take a look at his match with the aforementioned Murphy from a couple months back.

6. ROBBIE E
I have never been impressed with the former Rob Eckos. He’s a sub-par worker at best, and his pseudo-charisma is completely forced. In all honesty, the only thing that makes him worth watching is the fact that Becky “Cookie” Bayless comes to the ring with him. When your best quality is your valet, it’s time you got the hell off my TV screen.

5. WINTER
You know, I used to be somewhat of a Winter fan during her WWE/ECW days. She was good-looking, wore sexy outfits and was paired up with the criminally underrated Paul Birchill, so there was no reason really dislike her. Ever since she has been in TNA, though, everything I liked about her is now hidden behind everything about her that sucks. To start, is it just me, or has does she actually get more and more pale by the week? In a couple months, she’ll be as white as Sheamus. Aside from that, now that she’s gotten all of this exposure, her flaws are shining through. She is atrocious on the microphone, has the acting ability of a gerbil, and is a botch fest in every one of her matches. I didn’t think it was possible to screw up something as basic as a sleeper hold, but she has managed to prove me wrong.

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4. ANARQUIA
Where in the name of Davey Crockett’s sweat-stained buckskins did they find this guy? Anarquia is one of the worst performers I’ve ever seen on a televised wrestling program in a very long time. He is actually worse than Hernandez on the microphone (and that’s saying something) and his in-ring ability is nil. The best comparison that I can come up with is he’s basically TNA’s version of David Otunga in that the only thing going for him is the fact that he’s got a decent look. Even then, Anarquia’s look is nothing special. Much like Otunga, he does nothing but punches and kicks while his far-more talented teammate does all the real work.

3. SCOTT STEINER
Back in the day, I was a huge fan of Scott. His work with his brother Rick as the Steiner Brothers was incredible, and they are one of wrestling history’s best tag teams for a reason. Hell, I was even a fan of Steiner’s during his first run as a singles star in WCW when he was quite possibly the hottest heel in wrestling, second only to Vince McMahon. But time has not been kind to Steiner, and it’s really starting to show (that, and he hasn’t been kind to his body). Despite how he looks-and even then he’s starting to look bad with the concave chest and distended belly, Steiner is not healthy. He has chronic issues with his back and knees, not to mention permanent drop-foot syndrome (A name that I think would be cool for Gail Kim’s finisher, BTW). It shows in the ring, as watching him try to wrestle is about as exciting as watching a turtle walk at this point. He’s extremely slow and is notorious for botching moves. Aside from that, let’s be honest-the guy is out of his mind. Granted, it makes for some unintentionally hilarious promos, but Steiner is notorious for his short fuse and being a danger to work with as a result. The guy is a former world champion and has held countless titles all over the world. Really, what does he have left to prove? It’s time to hang it up.

2. STING
Much like with Steiner, I was a huge fan of Sting back in the day. He is, in my opinion, one of the greatest stars of the late ‘80s to early ‘00s. It’s because of this that I want Sting to go away. Sting has absolutely nothing left to prove to anyone. He’s got a resume’ that speaks for itself, including multiple world title reigns and great matches with practically every major star of the last 30+ years. On top of that, Sting has invested his money wisely (unlike a certain “Nature Boy” who almost made the list) and really doesn’t need to work anymore. So, why is he still hanging on? Sting has never been one to go into business for himself and only do right by him, yet he is constantly winning TNA’s world title every couple of months or so, and is almost always the featured character or involved in the feature storyline on the company’s TV broadcasts.

This behavior benefits no one but Sting, a man who doesn’t need the benefit anymore. And again, much like Steiner, Sting is beginning to show his age and is really falling apart. If I’m not mistaken, he’s due for either shoulder or knee surgery yet again, yet he continues to keep wrestling. And for what? A few more title reigns that would be much more beneficial to someone else like A.J. Styles or Christopher Daniels? Sting should have retired at least 4 years ago (if not even longer), yet he keeps coming back. Meanwhile, the exorbitant amount of money that goes to his contracts could be used to bring in some new, hungry talent, or at the very least, give a raise to someone in the company who deserves the extra money (again, like Styles or Daniels). Whether Sting realizes it or not, he’s destroying his own legacy by hanging on, and I lose more and more respect for him with every passing week.

1. MATT AND JEFF HARDY
Okay, so I cheated a little bit hear and am giving you a two-fer. It’s my column, shoot me. The main reason here is because where one Hardy goes, the other is surely to follow. I will try to keep this short, as I could be here all day with the problems surrounding the Hardlys. With Matt Hardy, you’ve got a discipline case who thinks he’s much greater than he actually is, who would rather spend time dicking around on Twitter and YouTube than focusing on his career. It’s because of this lack of interest in his career that has caused him to shoot his mouth off at every possible turn and burn every bridge he’s crossed as a result. I’d be willing to bet not even ROH would take him back at this point. And there’s also his weight issues. Now, he may be slightly leaner at this point (although it’s been a while since I’ve seen him), but it’s only a matter of time before he gets lazy again and turns into a tub of goo. He’s done it several times in the past. He will do it again. This brings us to little brother Meth Hardy.

Much like Fatt, the younger Hardy has a major attitude problem and thinks he’s greater than he is, going so far as to spout off random drunken rants directed at current WWE (and much more highly regarded) star CM Punk, not to mention blasting his brother’s girlfriend with a taser and uploading the video to YouTube for all of the world to see. I don’t think I really need to go into his drug problems, but I will at least briefly mention them. TNA, in their infinite wisdom, decided to put their world title on the guy in the middle of major legal issues involving drug trafficking and distribution.

To make matters worse, they actually did this TWICE. And this wasn’t just a one-time thing; Jeff’s had drug problems for years, and refuses to get help for it. In one of the most unprofessional acts I’ve ever seen, he allegedly showed to a TNA PPV completely blitzed out of his mind. Instead of scrapping his scheduled match with Sting or at the very least give Sting a replacement opponent, Dixie Carter and company thought it would be best to send Hardy to the ring to wrestle anyway, and Hardy wasn’t even coherent enough to climb the ring steps like a normal person. He was so out of it that Sting was ordered to squash him, which he did in 82 seconds. You would think that would have been the wake-up call to fire Jeff.

Instead, they keep him on the payroll and are in the process of giving him a brand new biography-style DVD. So, in simplest terms, TNA is giving it’s wrestlers and fans the impression that, if you’re somewhat of a star, you will be protected at all costs, even if you are a danger to yourself and others.

Honorable mentions include: Bully Ray, Crimson, Gunner, Jesse Neal, Mr. Anderson and Ric Flair (who almost made the list, but I kept him off because he doesn’t wrestle regularly anyway. Not that that’s a bad thing at this point).

Well, that does it for this time. Hope you enjoyed my first attempt at a column outside of a recap here on Camel Clutch. As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (which includes the aforementioned “Top 10 Unsigned Female Wrestlers” list). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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See you next time!

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 07-28-11 – Ten More Days

July 28, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Kurt Angle vs. Ken Anderson Steel Cage MatchWelcome to the 7-28 edition of the TNA Impact Wrestling recap. My last column created quite a stir. As some of you may know, my comments about Madison Rayne and her retaliation were picked up by several respected wrestling websites and writers.

Needless to say, the writers and sites all seemed to universally be behind me in what I call “RayneStorm 2011″ (Like I said on Twitter, “MadTV” fans will understand the reference). One comment in particular seemed to strike a cord with Madison Rayne’s fans (all ten of them), and that was me calling her an atrocious human being two weeks ago. Now, that comment was more sarcastic than anything else. I realize she’s playing a character on TV and there’s probably some differences between her character and who she is in real life (although I’d still be willing to bet she’s not very pleasant; she did call me a d*ckhead and accused me of being jobless, after all). So, having said that, let me clarify what I said two weeks ago and say that she is not an atrocious human being (that I know of, anyway), but rather an atrocious TV personality and wrestler.

There. Everyone good now? Fantastic, then. Oh, and in regards to making fun of her all the time, out of respect for Camel Clutch Blog, I will dial it back just a tad and be more selective with the shots I fire out. I just hope she does the same and gives me a lack of ammunition.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, on with the show.

We start off with Kirk Angel (your check’s in the mail, Jericho) walking to the ring as Mike Tenay plays “Captain Obvious”. Angle calls out Mr. Linda Hogan, who is looking more scrawny and saggy than ever (scrawny compared to days gone by, anyway). Oh, and he’s very obviously limping. Apparently, Hogan’s been blowing up Angle’s phone for three days with some kind of offer. Angle says Immortal doesn’t impress him, and that it’s full of a$% kissers and scumbags. Angle continues to swear he’s never beaten Sting despite doing it at least twice, and says he’ll win the world title at Hardcore Justice. He asks Hogan if he knows what it’s like to be the best in the world. Hulk Hogan blatantly lies and says “yes”. Hogan talks about carrying wrestling on his barn door back. That’s all well and good, but that was nearly 30 years ago. What’s Hogan done for the business lately? Hogan continues to live in the past and talks about selling out arenas in 1984 when “Angle was still pooping in his diapers”. Angle was around 9 or 10 then, so if he was pooping in diapers, he had a serious problem. Hogan is still rambling about whatever, and gives Angle crap about not accepting Immortal’s offer. Angle says he does respect Hogan, which is why he’s not kicking Hogan’s a$$ at the moment. That, and because Hogan’s crippled.

Angle then begins to talk about Hulkamania back in the day as well, as if Hogan needed further verbal stroking. Hogan tells Angle he’s never wrestling again, and then lists off all the surgeries he’s had. Hogan says if Angle wants to bring up Hogan’s wife and kids (which he apparently did), he’s asking for trouble. He accuses Angle of being handed the gold medals at the 1996 Olympics because of his broken freaking neck (which, BTW, never happened; Angle’s neck was fractured, never broken. If it had been broken, he’d be dead. Look it up). Hogan asks Angle what he’s trying to say, and Angle says if Hogan wants Sting taken out, why doesn’t he do it himself. He challenges Hogan to take on Sting himself. Holy L. Ron Hubbard, this can’t be happening. I don’t want to know what fans wants another Hogan/Sting match 20 years too late.

Backstage, some random tramp hands Eric Bischoff a paper from “The Network”. Since when did Cyrus the Virus start working for TNA?

We see another commercial for the Impact Wrestling fantasy game, which is supposedly one-of-a-kind. Except for, you know, all of the other fantasy wrestling games out there.

MATCH 1-BFG Series match: Gunner vs. Rob Van Dam
Doo doo doo dee doo doo. ROB VAN DAM! Doo doo doo dee doo doo. If you ever wanted to know the lyrics to RVD’s theme, there you go. Anyway, these two are two of the top guys in the BFG series. Gunner starts off with a tackle into the corner and some punches. RVD counters and gets a body scissors into a pin for 2. Gunner telegraphs a back body drop and gets kicked. RVD gets a spin kick, but gets caught a second time and powerslammed into the corner for 2. Another 2 off a back elbow. RVD gets a reverse cross body off the middle for 2, but Gunner gets 2 of his own off a clothesline. Apparently, Gunner’s now a former marine, according to Taz. Okay. RVD gets a top rope thrust kick for 2, but misses the slingshot legdrop to the outside. Back in, and RVD gets hot shotted off a springboard.

Gunner throws him back in for another 2. Gunner with stomps. RVD gets a kick in the corner, a thrust kick from the middle rope and Rolling Thunder. Gunner rolls outside and pulls RVD out, too. Guess he went to the “Cena-Orton School of No-Selling”. Gunner bodyslams RVD on the outside and throws him back in. Gunner climbs back in and gets a Tully Blanchard slingshot suplex for 2, only Tully did it better. RVD elbows out of a corner whip and goes up top, but Gunner gets a powerbomb for 2. RVD with a running spin kick into the corner, but Gunner no-sells again and gets a running knee for 2. Gunner goes for Mr. Pibb, but RVD spinning dropkicks out of it. RVD up with a Five-Star Frog Splash from way across the ring, and this one’s over.

WINNER: Rob Van Dam. Not a bad match, but I’m just not at all impressed with Gunner, nor do I understand why he’s getting pushed so hard. Oh, wait-It’s TNA. I don’t have to understand. Anyway, RVD and Gunner are now tied for 2nd place in the Blades of Glory series at 28 points a piece.

Backstage, we see Sting completing the Joker ensemble with a 3-piece suit, except it’s red instead of purple. Well, since it’s red, I guess it’s completely and utterly original, right? Right? Wrong? What? Okay.

Backstage again, Eric is scolding the members of Immortal, and is reading the letter from “The Network”. Basically, it says that, because of the success of Destination X (all 8,000 buys), they expect Eric to hire even more X-Division wrestlers and showcasing it more. I think they mean more X-Division guys will be hired then ignored. That sounds right to me. Hogan comes in and says he wants Kurt Angle destroyed. Bully Ray volunteers Mr. Anderson to do it. Anderson complains (which will lead to yet another turn by Anderson this year), but then agrees to do it. Bisch begins to read more from the letter, and the Red Scorpion appears, carrying something covered in a black blanket. He puts the something on Bischoff’s desk and talks about his suit, which he is wearing with sneakers. He talks about his great relationship with the Network, and that he is the new network executive for Impact. He says his first line of business is announcing that the Anderson/Angle match will be a cage match, and that Fourtune (which has five guys in it) will be at ringside. Yes, a lumberjack cage match. From the minds that brought us the reverse battle royal. Woot.

Back in the ring, Brian Kendrick is rambling about Austin Aries in jeans and no shoes. Alex Shelley is with him and calls Austin Aries a jackass. Aries makes his way to the ring now. Shelley begins naming off great X-Division wrestlers (and Samoa Joe) and says they built the division, and that Aries could contribute to the division but doesn’t because he cheats. Probably because he’s a heel. Probably. Shelley says Aries needs to play by the rules and calls Aries a douchebag. Aries makes fun of Kendrick for looking stupid, and I’m inclined to agree. Aries lists off everything he did to get his contract, and says that we’re playing by his rules now, and that he has only one rule-winning at all costs. He says he has a lot of five-star matches, and now wants a five-star bank account. Basically he wants to make money, which begs the question of why he’s in the company in the first place. Kendrick begins rambling again. Seriously, there’s no other way to describe his promos. I love the guy as a wrestler, but damn.

Shelley tells Aries to shove his great matches, and that we get a three-way match between them for the X-Division title at Hardcore Justice. All of a sudden, the man who absolutely screams “X-Division”, Abyss, makes his way out. He says that, despite the Network, Hogan and Bischoff call the shots. We know who to blame, Abyss. You don’t have to remind us. He says he gets a rematch for the belt, and will get it tonight. He says he’s taking the belt and killing the X-Division. When did a title belt become lethal?

Sting pops up on the big screen and says that the rematch will happen tonight, and it will be an Ultimate X match. I only see one problem with this, and his name rhymes with “Sub Miss” (Sato). Okay, so they don’t rhyme all that well. Shoot me.

Backstage with Matt Morgan and he’s telling us that he’s torn his right pec, and that he is now out of action due to the injury and out of the BFG series in the process.

We get a recap of Angle beating Jeff Jarrett to become #1 contender to the Battle Dome Championship. Now, we look at BFG matches from house shows. Bobby Roode, Bully Ray, Gunner and James Storm all picked up wins to earn points, as did Scott Steiner. Most of the wins were over Samoa Joe. Crimson is still in 1st place with 31 points. Remember him? No? You’re better off.

Crimson will be taking Blubber Ray on tonight in a series match. Ray is talking about playing “Angry Birds” and that he’s a legend. I’m inclined to agree. I’ve seen those plaques with his name on it at Old Country Buffet, so I know he’s telling the truth. They’re right next to Matt Hardy’s plaques. Ray then talks about A.J. Styles. I guess they have a match at house show in Houston for more points. Ray says he’s going to be Styles, and follows it up by saying “okey-dokey”. Why does he say “okey-dokey”? Because he can. That’s really what he said, and that was his real explanation.

You know, if Axe Body Spray makes women want to molest mannequins, why is it still on the market?

MATCH 2-BFG Series match: Blubber Ray vs. Lance Sackless
Hey, remember that whole storyline of Crimson being Amazing Red’s younger brother? Neither does anyone in the company. Christy Hemme makes a point of telling us all Crimson is undefeated in his entrance announcement. Thanks, Christy. I had forgotten that fact in the last five minutes, despite it being repeated constantly. Ray starts off in the corner with punches and slaps. Why does Bully Ray jump with every move? I guess that’s his cardio for the day. Crimson gets a couple of gut punches in, but Ray’s a tub, so he no-sells it and gets a Mongolian chop. Ray begins attacking Crimson’s right knee, which is braced for some reason. Ray takes the brace off and begins dropping elbows, as if that brace was really doing anything. He pulls Crimson’s knee pad off and starts slapping his knee. Blubber Ray then does JBL’s hand gesture complete with cow moo. Racists stick together. Ray setts up for the Bully Bomb. Crimson elbows out of it, hits Red Sky, and this is over.

WINNER: Crimson. Crimson is still undefeated, despite being completely squashed in this awful, awful match. I just can’t be objective here-this match SUCKED. Crimson gets another 7 points, putting him at 38.

Up next, we get Winter vs. Tara. Apparently, Santa read my wish list this year.

Backstage (How many times do I have to tell you, WRESTLING MATTERS, DAMMIT!), Eric Bischoff is on the phone with someone, trying to get the Network on the phone. That’s about it.

In another part of the backstage area, my #1 fan and bestest friend in the history of ever anything Madison Rayne is walking around, talking about how she’ll be at ringside for this next match. Sting jumps in front of her, still packing around the thing in the blanket. Madison screams. Best. Segment. EVER.

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MATCH 3-Winter (w/Walking Stick) vs. Knockouts Tag Team Co-Champion Tara (w/Miss Tessmacher)
You know, ever since Winter got canned like a tuna from WWE, she appears to be getting more pale by the day. On the plus side, it compliments Angelina Love’s anorexic look very nicely. Tara’s doing the fake lesbian kiss with Tessy now. Great. I do like Tessy’s outfit, though. Earl Hebner ejects both the other knockouts from ringside. In the ring, Tara’s slamming Winter’s head into everything. Roll-up with bridge gets 2. Winter gets out and shoulders Tara in the ring. Tara reverses a corner charge into Tajiri’s Tarantula, but Winter gets out and gets in a hot shot. Tara slams Winter’s head into the turnbuckle, but misses the Arabian facebuster. Winter gets a reverse neck whip in the ropes for 2. Now, she has a double chicken wing on Tara that Tenay incorrectly calls a surfboard. Tara goes for a corner whip, but Winter slides into it and gets a clothesline for 2.Backbreaker by Winter for 2. Winter mounts Tara, which isn’t as exciting as it sounds. They trade punches. Tara with clotheslines, a bodyslam and a botched standing moonsault that Taz calls beautiful. Tara tries for the Widow’s Peak, but slides out of it and gets a big boot. Winter goes for her horrible swinging side slam, but Tara gets out. Somehow, Earl Hebner gets kicked in the process, which allows Winter to hit a low blow. Kind of pointless on a woman, isn’t it? She gets the swinging side slam into a backbreaker, botches it heavily because she’s not strong enough, and gets the win.

WINNER: Winter. I’m disappointed my most favoritest wrestler in the ever Madison Rayne went back on her word and didn’t come out. Gonna have to have a talk with her about honesty. I guess she hasn’t seen any of those great after school specials. She could at least watch an episode of “Full House” or “Family Matters” once in a while. Geez.

MATCH 4-Ultimate X Match for the X-Division Championship: Abyss vs. Brian Kendrick
A friend of mine had a tryout with TNA last year. He told me that Abyss has specially designed boots to make him look much taller than he actually is, and that he’s only around 6 or 6’2″. Random thought for you there. You know, while the concept of the Ultimate X match isn’t bad, why couldn’t someone just grab a ladder and get the X/belt down? It’s a no-rules match, after all. Anyway. Kendrick tries a whip but Abyss reverses. He misses a corner charge and gets a kick and some punches. Abyss misses a boot. Kendrick gets a single-leg dropkick in, but Abyss knocks him down. Abyss actually tries jumping up to grab the belt before trying to climb the corner. Apparently, he’s afraid of heights. That, and I’m not sure the cables will hold him. Kendrick goes for a tornado DDT, but Abyss throws him out of it and catches a big boot. Abyss is trying to figure out how to get the belt. Again, ever think of a ladder? Abyss is now trying to tear the Ultimate X structure down. Kendrick knocks him down with a suicide dive and gets in some kicks on the outside. Kendrick catches the tornado DDT in the ring the second time, now he’s climbing up. Kendrick shimmies towards the belt, but Abyss pulls him down, followed by another clothesline.

God, Abyss has put on weight since the early TNA days. Guess there are no gyms in his little corner of Parts Unknown. Abyss misses a corner charge, and Kendrick counters with Sliced Bread #2. He climbs up and shimmies towards the belt again. He nearly gets it, but Abyss pulls him back down and gets an avalanche in the corner, followed by a chop. Another avalanche by Abyss, and he’s calling for the chokeslam. You know, because every guy announced as 6’8″ or over HAS to do a chokeslam. It’s a rule. He lifts Kendrick up, but Kendrick grabs the belt in the process, unhooks it and pulls it down with him. Admittedly, that was a cool spot.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Brian Kendrick. Not a great match, but like I said, the finish was actually pretty cool.

Backstage (Do I even need to say it?), Velvet Sky is talking to a big-jugged scarecrow called Traci Brooks. They’re yelling about calling the cops or something. I used to think. You know, I used to think Traci was hot. What the hell happened to her?

We get some bizarre skit with Eric Young. He’s talking to David Hasselhoff’s agent. Eric actually points out the TV title belt is missing jewels. I’m not sure what’s going on here. Young strips down to his underwear, then puts his clothes back on. The agent tells Young to find an acting coach. Apparently, we can see more of this on ImpactWrestling.com. Thank you, no.

Traci and Velvet are in the ring, inviting ODB and Jackie to the ring. They do. ODB appears to be on boobjob #127. Traci shows her lack of acting skills by smiling blankly while talking about how she invented the knockouts division. She says she didn’t complain about being fired like the other two have. ODB says “You should’ve”. Traci says they should be glad Velvet didn’t press criminal charges last week, and this all ends tonight. ODB says she’ll be happy to end it after putting her foot up Velvet’s “plastic, Barbie Doll ass”. The pot and the kettle, my friends. ODB says the division has turned into a “Hooters Invitational”, and she’s right. Velvet talks about her rough life in Hartford, CT. Um…isn’t that basically the suburbs? She talks about getting picked on in high school and blah, blah, blah. You know, Velvet, if this is how you acted in high school, I can’t blame the other people for picking on you (not that I believe the story). She says being in the knockouts division is the greatest gift she’s ever received. I’d hate to see her other gifts. She says she doesn’t owe anyone an apology, but she also doesn’t blame ODB and Jackie for being mad. She then says they should just ask for their jobs back instead of whining. Velvet says they can keep fighting, but she’s done being anyone’s punching bag. She leaves then leaves the ring. Pointless segment for a pointless feud. You know, if you want to get the knockouts division over as a serious division, perhaps the focal point of the division should more than eye candy (Velvet). Just a thought.

We see the 5-Man Fortune talking about being the lumberjacks in the main event tonight. Daniels pulls A.J. aside and asks him if he had a chance to think about what Daniels said (which we still don’t know). A.J. Styles asks if he’s serious before Sting barges in with his magical package of mystery. A.J. asks him what’s in the cage. Sting asks how he knew it was a cage. Probably by the sound. Probably. Sting says it’s a present for Eric Bischoff, and he’s going to give it to Eric right now.

MATCH 5-Steel Cage Lumberjack Match: Mr. Anderson vs. Kurt Angle
You know something, TNA? If you want to be taken seriously as a wrestling company, here’s a tip: Quit trying to invent the most pointless match concepts known to man. Just because you’ve come up with a new match idea doesn’t mean it’s always good to actually put it into practice. In some cases, such as this, there’s a reason other companies haven’t done it-because IT’S POINTLESS! Okay, I’m done. We learn that this match can be won by pinfall, submission or escaping the cage. I already ranted about how cage matches should be pinfall/submission OR escape in my last DVD recap, so I won’t complain more about it here. Commercial.

I’d really love to hurt the people behind Education Connection’s ad campaign. Just saying.

Before we actually get to the main event, we get yet ANOTHER backstage Eric Bischoff segment. He’s demanding someone on the phone put “Him” on the phone. Jesus? Apparently, Him answers the phone, and Bischoff is throwing a fit about Sting being the network executive. Him tells Bischoff he hasn’t talked to Sting in weeks. This leads Sting to come into the office with his cloth-covered cage. Sting talks about stuff bottled up inside him during the entire show. He says he knows the truth will set him free, and that he’s not actually a network executive, and that he made everything up, effectively killing the angle in less than 2 hours. According to Sting, putting on a nice suit gets people to respect you. He then takes the cloth off the cage and a giant bird flies out and lands on Eric’s computer monitor. He leaves before mentioning he’s locking the door. If you’re confused, then you’ve been paying attention.

We’re finally to the match, and Anderson is “really taking it” to Kurt Angle after one successful corner whip (Taz’s words). After a clothesline, Anderson gets in a rear chinlock. Angle arm drags out of it and catches a couple punches, but Anderson gets a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Anderson’s making the “money” signal as the crowd chants “You Sold Out”. I’m not even going to begin how stupid this chant is. Suplex by Anderson gets another 2. He then capitalizes with…another chinlock. This cage match is brutality at it’s most brutal, chico. Angle with a back suplex. They trade some punches, and Angle with an, um double eye-poke, maybe? It looked terrible. Angle with a belly-to-belly, but Anderson gets back on offense with a rolling fireman’s carry slam. He goes for the Mic Check, but Angle channels a dead guy and hits several German suplexes for 2. Ankle lock attempt, but Anderson rolls through into a victory roll for 2. Angle tries for more German suplexes, but Anderson throws him into the cage and catches the Mic Check for 2. Fourtune has been integral to this match, let me tell you. Anderson tries to escape through the cage door, but Angle gets the ankle lock on again. Anderson kicks his way out of it and drops Angle with a clothesline. Now he’s trying to climb out of the cage. Angle runs after him and catches a botched Angle Slam from the top rope for 2.

Hogan’s Orange Goblins run down to ringside, and Fourtune fights them off. Now Mexican-America runs down to fight Beer Money Inc. off. Blubber Ray comes in from the crowd and hides by the ring apron. He grabs Angle’s tights through the camera hold in the cage, which allows Anderson to attack him from behind. He gets a few stomps in before demanding Blubber to get him a chair. Blubber opens the door to give Anderson the chair, but refuses to let go because Anderson apparently called him “sweetheart”. Blubber finally does once Angle’s behind Anderson, which causes Anderson to fall back into the Angle Slam for the 3.

WINNER: Kurt Angle. Anderson’s head looks like it may have hit the chair on the landing, but I’m not sure. Anyway, the lights go out, and when they come back on, Sting’s in the ring. He congratulates Angle and says “Just ten more days”.

End of show.

The highlight of the show was the X-Division title match, which really was only good for the (surprisingly) creative ending. The rest of the show just sucked, and having the main event inside a cage was pointless. It seriously was only used as a weapon once, and really doesn’t do much good in the way of keeping wrestlers out when Blubber Ray just casually opens the door without the refs even attempting to stop him. As for the Sting angle, they literally started a new twist and then killed it in less than 2 hours.

Before I end this week’s recap, I personally would like to welcome a new writer to Camel Clutch, my friend and former writer for thewrestlingfan.com Malcolm “Not in the Middle” Spinedi (www.twitter.com/NotintheMiddle), who will be joining the site as the new WWE NXT recapper. Malcolm is a great writer with a sense of humor. If you enjoy my work, I think you’ll enjoy his as well.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com, where I have plenty of new stuff up, including a look at my tattoo collection and my new weekly installment, “Hot Chick in Tall Socks of the Week”. Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Gerri Davis Banner, NPC National Level Heavyweight and Masters Female Bodybuilder

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

Full TNA Impact Wrestling July 28 Results
Kurt Angle defeated Mr. Anderson in a Steel Cage Match
Brian Kendrick defeated Abyss in an Ultimate X Match
Winter defeated Tara
Rob Van Dam defeated Gunner in a Bound for Glory Series Match
Crimson defeated Bully Ray in a Bound for Glory Series Match

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WWE Money in the Bank 2011 DVD

Randy Orton: The Evolution of a Predator DVD

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 07-21-11 – A Message From Madison Rayne

July 21, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Madison Rayne doesn't like our TNA columnistWelcome back everyone. Before we get into this week’s recap/rant, I have a little story I’d like to share with you. Last week in my recap of Impact Wrestling, during the knockouts match between Tara and Madison Rayne, I made several comments about Rayne discussing my overall distaste for her. It was nothing horribly offensive or vulgar, yet it apparently hit a nerve with Miss Rayne herself. Apparently, she reads my columns on CamelClutchBlog.com, and sent me a response to last week’s column on Twitter. Here is that comment verbatim from Madison Rayne (www.twitter.com/RayneLane):

@XDustinEFLX You sir, are a d*ckhead. Get a real job. =) that’s all!

Well, Jokes on Rayne: I don’t get paid for this and have a real job. A real suck job, mind you, but a real job nonetheless. Anyway, I did respond to Rayne in kind on Twitter. I won’t repeat that response here; however, I will say that fellow wrestling writer and friend Malcolm Spinedi (www.twitter.com/NotintheMiddle) told me I should have told her that she should work for a real wrestling federation first. Good line. Anyway, I wasn’t going to pick on Rayne anymore than normal until I received this feedback (my first piece of feedback/criticism/hatred from a TV wrestling personality, BTW). Now that I know I make Madison Rayne mad, I will have to make sure to go out of my way to pick on her every week. Sorry, but that’s the rule. It’s science.

Now, onto this week’s broadcast. We start the show with the brand new TNA Wrestling World Champion, Sting. Nothing against Sting, but this is the reason why no one takes Impact Wrestling seriously. Every time they put the belt on someone new or newer to the main event scene, it doesn’t take long before the belt goes right back to Sting. Sting’s in the ring cutting a stupid promo in the Joker voice that he’s really terrible at. Sting says there won’t be an easy or hard way, and we’re doing things Stings’ way instead.

This promo is total nonsense, BTW. He says he wants to do an interview with Hogan and Bischoff. Instead, someone in a clown mask (Kurt Angle) comes down the ring. He rips the mask off and, surprise, it’s Kurt Angle. Kurt reminds Sting that he was the one who helped Sting out last week. Kurt says that, while Sting is trying to save the company for Dixie Carter, he’s run into a speed bump shaped like Kurt Angle. Angle says they will meet at “Hardcore Justice”, and that he and Sting are legends in wrestling, and only one can walk out the better man. Sting continues his Joker crap before Bully Ray and Mr. Anderson walk out. Huhboy, this is going to be a long night.

Blubber Ray tells us that Angle and Sting will have to learn to work together, because it’s them vs. Ray and Anderson. Ray says he didn’t like Kurt hitting him in the ab with a baseball bat, and that he will hit Kurt with a kitchen sink. Anderson makes fun of Sting’s face and refers to Kurt as Sting’s “butt buddy”. I hope GLAAD is watching this. Anderson says before Sting worries about anyone else including Dixie, he has to deal with Anderson first. He then calls Sting “beyotch”. How old is Anderson again?

MATCH 1-BFG Series Match: Scott Steiner vs. Rob Van Dam
Steiner’s chest looks a deflated balloon. BTW-steroids only work if you still continue to work out each muscle group in the gym. Rob Van Dam‘s horrible music hits, and he’s got some bandages over his right eye. Steiner attacks RVD before the bell. Steiner gets some shots in and a back elbow. Man, that tattoo sucks. Overhead belly-to-belly suplex by Steiner gets 2. Steiner puts RVD in the tree of woe and steps on his throat. Not only does Steiner have no chest, but he’s got horrible distended belly going on. Steiner puts RVD in a version of the standing surfboard. RVD gets out, but gets thrown in the corner followed by some shots. RVD floats over a corner whip and hits a jumping side kick. Punches by RVD followed by a kick to the face. Leaping side kick from the top sends Steiner to the outside. RVD guts Steiner on the guardrail, and hits a spinning legdrop from the ring apron. Back in the ring and Steiner calls for time out, but no go. Corner whip by RVD, but Steiner counters with the boot and the spinning belly-to-belly for 2. Corner whip by Steiner, but RVD responds with a spinning heel kick and Rolling Thunder for 2. Steiner gets up and crotches RVD on top rope and hits a suspended reverse STO. Not a bad move, actually. RVD breaks the fall by getting his foot on the bottom rope. Steiner’s looking for a clothesline and hits it, followed by the posing elbow drop and push-ups. Steiner begins arguing with the ref for no reason, which allows RVD to get the schoolboy for the 3.

WINNER: Rob Van Dam, which gets him 7 points, putting him in 4th place. I think it’s time for Steiner to hang it up, as most of his offense in this match was punches and kicks.

We see TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne walking to the ring. Hmm? Really? Oh. I’m being told in my invisible earpiece that the champion is actually Mickie James, and that she’s the one walking to the ring. Huh! Guess you learn something new every day.

Mickie James comes out. Seriously, who told her she could sing? She asks Velvet Sky to come to the ring. She does. Riveting television right here. Mickie James is trying to pull off some pseudo-50’s look tonight. It’s not working. James tells Velvet that she’s seen everyone take all of their frustrations out on Velvet for months. James proceeds with the pointless butt-kissing and tells Velvet she’s proud to give Velvet her first one-one-one title match tonight. They hug, and Mickie continues the pandering and says they will tear the roof off the Impact Zone. Somehow, I doubt it. Mickie James says she’s walking into the match as champion and will walk out as well. This leads to Winter’s awful music playing. Her and her walking stick she calls

Angelina Love come to ringside. Angelina tells Mickie and Velvet they just need to go get a hotel room together. Angelina says that she completely understands everything Winter’s done to her, and that the rest of the knockouts all share total disrespect for her because she’s the 5-time champion. She says she’s never been given her dues (despite, you know, the five title reigns), and that none of the other knockouts on her level. She says that it doesn’t matter who wins tonight, because the belts her. Winter, with all of the acting ability of a rock, proceeds to rant about approximately nothing, and then says she’s going to win the title, and it will belong to her and Angelina. Velvet and Mickie James then hold hands for some reason.

Backstage, Rosita and Sarita attack Tara and Miss Tessmacher. I guess they have a match tonight or something.
BTW-the remakes for “Conan” and “Fright Night” look offensively terrible.

Back from commercials, and the brawl between the non-Mexican Mexicans and Tara and Tessmacher is continuing. Now, Madison Rayne jumps into the picture and does nothing but scream. At least she’s going with her strong suit here.

Now we get comments from the 4 participants in tonight’s ladder match. Joe says there’s no reason he should have zero points tonight. Except for the fact that, you know, he hasn’t won any matches. Matt Morgan says he’s going to get 10 points tonight, and begins nonsensically raising his voice in the middle of the promo. Gunner rambles on about A.J. Styles and then says he’ll be champion. A.J. also says he’s going to win, but then Christopher Daniels walks into frame and proceeds to talk just quietly enough so the camera can’t pick up the audio. Styles slams the door in the cameraman’s face.

Mike Tenay tells us to watch this “very special video”. It’s a very dark video of Tara, Tessy, Sarita and Rosita fighting in a parking lot. Apparently, Sarita had her jaw and orbital bones broken and needs to wear a protective mask now.

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MATCH 2-Knockouts Tag Team Championship: Tara and Miss Tessmacher vs. Knockouts Tag Team Champions Rosita and Sarita
Tara and Tessy wait for the champs off at the top of the ramp. Sarita is wearing a mask that looks exactly like Abyss’. The bell finally rings after some brawling, and now they’re all brawling in the ring. The champs kick Tara out, but get double-clotheslined by Tessy. Sarita’s looking chunky tonight. Earl Hebner finally gets Sarita out of the ring, so Tessy and Rosita are legal. Sarita tags in, and Taz refers to the champs as “hot little jackals”. Never found jackals to be hot. The champs tag in and out, doing nothing more than slaps for about a minute. Tessy kicks Rosita in the gut, but gets nothing. Tessy reverses out of a corner whip and hits a clothesline. She tries to tag in not-Victoria, but Sarita kicks Tara back out. Rosita tags Sarita back in. They hit Tessy with a very sloppy double-flapjack and Sarita gets 2. Tara gets in the ring and drags Tessy to their corner. She tags in and hits some forearms. Tara goes for the Widow’s Peak on Sarita, but Madison Rayne comes in and headbutts Tara in the stomach behind the ref’s back, allowing Sarita to get 2. Tessy gets a tornado bulldog on Sarita while Tara simultaneously hits the Spider’s Web on Rosita. Tara hits Sarita with a tree slam while Tessy botches a roll-up on Rosita, and Tara gets the 3.

WINNERS AND NEW CHAMPIONS: Tara and Miss Tessmacher. This might matter if the Knockouts tag titles meant a single damn thing. Meanwhile, was there any point at all in Madison Rayne’s involvement in this match? She didn’t do a single thing worthwhile. Even after headbutting Tara, she disappeared from the equation. Don’t get me wrong-the less of her on my TV, the better (especially with HD); but if that’s all she’s going to do, why cart her out in the first place?

Just in case we weren’t sure, the contract for this next match has the amount of points it is worth in giant numbers and letters written on it.

MATCH 3-Four-way ladder match for 10 BFG Series points: A.J. Styles vs. Samoa Joe vs. Matt Morgan vs. Gunner
Joe should probably drop the “Samoan Submission Machine” nickname. When was the last time a submission hold was successful in helping him win a match? You know, even as generic as all of TNA entrance “videos” are, Gunner’s has to be THE most generic. Pretty fitting, I guess. Joe and Morgan brawl in the ring while Styles and Gunner are brawling on the outside. Gunner gets a ladder on the ring apron and then hotshots Styles into it. Joe then dropkicks it into Gunner’s face. Morgan and Joe fight over the ladder, then hit Gunner with it. Morgan punches Joe, then slides the ladder into the ring. A.J. gets in the ring. Morgan attempts a chokeslam, but Styles backflips out of it and kicks Morgan a few times. Gunner channels Tully Blanchard with a slingshot suplex on Styles, then hits Joe and Morgan with a ladder. Styles throws Gunner back out. Morgan tries to throw Styles into the ladder. Styles runs up and jumps off into a crossbody, but Morgan catches him with a fall-away slam. Joe hits Morgan with a running senton. Gunner’s back in and tries an Irish whip on Joe, but Joe keeps running and jumps onto Morgan on the outside. Styles punchs Gunner off the ladder. Joe knocks off Styles, but eats a Pele. Joe hits a corner uranage on Styles, but takes a running knee from Top Gun himself. Morgan hits the Carbon Footprint on Top Gun, and now Morgan’s climbing the ladder. He grabs the contract, and it’s over.

WINNER: Matt Morgan. Morgan gets 10 points and climbs to 2nd place in the series. This match was okay but was far too rushed to be such an overbooked mess. Ladder matches should really have a minimum of 15 minutes. I think this one last less than 10.

Eric Young is in front of a mini-mart, talking about how he’s going to beat up a bunch of random celebrities. He walks in and says that he sees his first opponent, Cee-Lo Green. It’s actually D-Lo Brown that’s in the min-mart. D-Lo, looking fatter than holy hell, tells Eric this isn’t a road he wants to go down, and that he’s going back to work. Young rolls him up as he walks away and counts his own pin. D-Lo chases him out of the mini-mart and then does his old stupid headshake.

MATCH 4-X-Division Championship: Alex Shelley vs. X-Division Champion Brian Kendrick
Kendrick misses a dropkick, and Shelley gets a weird roll-up for 2. Shelley gets a unique small package for another 2. Shelley and Kendrick trade wastelocks, and Shelley gets yet another unique roll-up for 2. Shelley gets a knee and a chop, reverses a chop into an armdrag, but runs right into a single-leg dropkick. Kendrick goes for Sliced Bread #2, but Shelley kicks him away. Shelley tries the same move, but Kendrick escapes. Shelley gets a bow and arrow lock on Kendrick, but Kendrick floats out for a 1-count. Shelley misses a baseball slide to the outside. Kendrick charges but eats a kick. Shelley with a top rope crossbody for 2. He tries to get the pin two more times, but no luck. Shelley goes back up, but Kendrick connects with a dropkick off the dive. Shelley gets some forearms in, but Kendrick responds with one of his own, followed by a big boot and another single-leg dropkick that sends Shelley outside. Kendrick connects with the suicide dive. Kendrick tries a splash from up top back in the ring, but Shelley gets his knees up. Both guys on the apron now, and Shelley hits Sliced Bread #2 on the ring apron. Pretty damn cool move, if you ask me. Shelley throws him back in, but Austin Aries appears out of nowhere and clocks Shelley with the title belt. Kendrick crawls over and gets the 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Brian Kendrick. Not a bad match, but far from the best I’ve seen out of these two. Meanwhile, Aries is still on the outside, doing a creepy pose on the floor.

Backstage, Kendrick is telling the anonymous camera man he didn’t know that Aries was outside during the match. Kendrick then rambles incoherently. That’s apparently the theme for all the promos tonight.

We get another Mexican-America promo. Anarquia is rambling about Sarita getting her face broken. Oh, and that protective face mask she’s wearing? It’s about as protective as Rey Mysterio’s. Now Anarquia is complaining about where their flag is. He says that, when they get pissed off, they kick ass. They must not be pissed off very often. He then says they want Beer Money.

The tag champs now come out. James Storm looks like a complete tool with his painted cowboy hat and “Beer Hunter” shirt. Anarquia proceeds to ramble in fake Spanish. James Storm tells him to shut up and leave the ring, as well as the company. He tells them to find something they’re good at, like cutting grass. Because racism=comedy. Storm threatens to make him eat a cowboy boot. Hopefully with hollandaise sauce. Storm then says everyone has forgotten about them. At least he admits it. He tells us how bad Bobby Roode is in an incoherent way (again, it’s the theme tonight).

James Storm says he’s as American as they come after listing off a bunch of things he is that I hate (except for Johnny Cash). Storm calls Mexican-America’s act BS, and that they will get their title shot at Hardcore Justice. He then says they’re going to wake up the morning after the PPV with their green cards shoved up their asses. Apparently, Storm didn’t get the memo that Hernandez was born in Texas and Anarquia was born in California, thus negating the need for green cards. Again, racism=comedy.

Up next, the horse-faced Knockouts Champion (not Madison Rayne) vs. “Talentless Eye Candy” Velvet Sky

You know, I’m trying to be as objective as I can with this company, but they are making it so very, very difficult.

How can anyone feel sympathy for Dixie Carter in this stupid storyline? The woman signed away her company without reading the contract. It’s her own fault for being so stupid.

MATCH 5-Knockouts Championship: Knockouts Champion Mickie James vs. Velvet Sky
Before Velvet Sky is even out, Winter and her doggy chew toy attack James. Velvet comes in with a bunch of kicks. Mickie is also looking nice and pudgy tonight. Her, Sarita and Samoa Joe must be on the same non-diet. Velvet and James continue to attack Winter and Angelina Love. ODB and Jackie come into the ring from the crowd and attack the faces. Dear lord, ODB appears to have had her breasts enlarged again. Winter and Love stand by and watch this, while Traci Brooks, fresh from the corn field where she works a second job as an implausibly large-breasted scarecrow, runs into the ring to save the faces. The amount of silicone and plastic surgery that’s in the ring is probably more costly than Kurt Angle’s entire contract. Jackie beats up the security guards, as does ODB. The knockouts all continue to brawl pointlessly. ODB throws a skate shoe while her and Jackie continue to beat up security. I’m really at a loss here. Some fake cops then come in to arrest ODB and Jackie. You would think that, for realism’s sake, they would have been ringside about 10-15 minutes ago. Oh, and the title match? It’s completely scrapped for the evening.

Backstage (WRESTLING MATTERS!!!!!), and we see Velvet Sky and Traci Brooks. Traci is sticking up for Velvet, whether she has a contract or not. Velvet calls her baby. And…that’s about it, really.

MATCH 6-Alien Frat Boys (Blubber Ray and Special Agent Jim Rave) vs. Kurt Angle and World Champion Heath Ledger’s Corpse
Anderson starts his microphone schtick, but Blubber tells him to knock it off and not give people what they want. Anderson ignores him and continues to do it. You know, I really don’t want to know the people who want Anderson to do his microphone bit. It’s annoying and pointless. It’s not clever, and hasn’t been for about 6 years.

“The Insane Icon” comes out, and now I’m really irritated. Sting’s whole bit, including that atrocious nickname just makes me physically ill. Blubber and Sting start off. Anderson tags in, and chokes Sting. Anderson with a back elbow and a 2-count. Anderson tags in Ray, who does his jumping punch, followed by a bodyslam and a 2. Ray with another 2 off an elbow. Ray now has Sting in a neck vice and tags Anderson back in. Anderson starts attacking Sting’s leg and gets another 2. Ray is back in and hits a jumping axe handle and a bodyslam. Ray goes for the middle rope senton that he always does yet Tenay says is rare for Ray, but misses. Angle tags in and hits the German suplexes made famous by that guy who never existed. Ray with a chop block on Angle, but Sting throws him out. Stinger Splash on Anderson, who then takes the Angle Slam for 3.

WINNERS: Kurt Angle and Sting. Yet another short, overbooked mess this evening. Complimented the nonsense promo theme well. The faces shake each other’s hand. Angle pulls Sting in, and Sting says, “Have I gone too far, or not far enough?” Um…yeah.

End of show.

You know, I would love nothing more than to support TNA and thus support mainstream wrestling in the U.S. on a whole, but with shows like tonight’s episode, it’s damn near impossible. Even the X-Division title match, which should have been impossible to screw up, was lousy. You have two of your best talents face each other, and instead of giving them a sold 10 minutes or so, you give them less than 5 minutes and tell the champion to use a lot of generic offense. Sigh.

Full TNA Impact Wrestling July 21 Results
Rob Van Dam defeated Scott Steiner
Miss Tessmacher and Tara defeated Sarita and Rosita to win the TNA Knockouts Tag Titles
Mickie James vs. Velvet Sky ended in a no contest
Matt Morgan beat AJ Styles, Gunner, and Samoa Joe in a ladder match for 10 Bound For Glory Series points
Kurt Angle and Sting defeated Bully Ray and Ken Anderson

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com, where I have plenty of new stuff up, including a look at my tattoo collection, for those of you that like body art. Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 07-07-11 – Anderson Joins Immortal

July 08, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Mr. Anderson joins ImmortalWelcome back everyone, to the televised train wreck we all know as Impact Wrestling. We start the show with Blubber Ray, Top Gun and Johnny Bravo in the ring. Bully Ray is calling out Mr. Anderson to the ring right now, but first, we have to deal with Anderson’s stupid microphone shtick first.

You know, I’m glad TNA did away with the Jeff Hardy title belt, but the replacement looks like one of those plastic replicas you get in the toy aisle at Target. Ray calls Anderson a jag-off and tells him to shut up for once a life, and threatens Anderson’s life by sicking Gunner on him.

Ooh. Apparently, Hogan is off for the night, so that somehow leaves Blubber Ray in charge. He tells Anderson he can’t beat Sting, and Anderson needs Immortal as much as Immortal needs him. Not at all? Ray then offers to sell the Brooklyn Bridge that he doesn’t own. Ooh! Steiner promo now. Steiner accuses Anderson of screwing Hogan around, but now that Steiner’s here, he’s going to do the screwing (his words, not mine), and if Anderson’s against Immortal, he’s got to deal with Steiner. Gunner begins to talk, and I begin to focus on drinking water instead. Gunner tells Anderson he needs to make a decision by the end of the night, or he will never see the light of day again.

The lights go out, and Sting Ledger is up in the rafters, going full-bore with The Dark Knight facepaint. Lights back on and Angle’s in the ring giving Angle Slams to Steiner and Gunner. Tonight’s main event will be Sting and Angle vs. Abyss, Blubber, Tom Cruise and Donny Osmond (Johnny Bravo fans know what I’m talking about). Kurt Angle basically lays down the opposite ultimatum to Anderson that Gunner did.

Backstage, we see Beer Money warming up. James Storm is asking if Robbie-Bobby Roode’s shoulder is okay, and he says no, but with the BFG series, he needs to get some points regardless. We also learn that Roode will be taking on The Red Guy tonight in a BFG series match.

In the BFG series, we learn that Devon, RVD, Blubber and Crimson all picked up 7 points each. Crimson is once again in the lead.

MATCH #1-BFG Series Match: I.R. Baboon vs. TNA World Tag Team Co-Champion Bobby Roode
Does Roode even stand a chance in this match? Not really, no. Crimson is undefeated, and despite being greener than lettuce, is get a massively undeserved push. Shoulderblock by Crimson on Roode’s bad shoulders. Into the corner by Crimson with shoulder thrusts. Roode responds with the exact same move. Honor roll by Roode gets 2. Crimson tries for a powerslam, but drops Roode throat first on the top rope instead, followed by a Warrior-esque jumping shoulderblock. Falcon Arrow from the apron gets 2 for Crimson, with a swinging neckbreaker for another 2. T-Bone suplex by Crimson for yet another near fall. Crimson eats an elbow off a corner whip, followed by a boot, and a blockbuster from the middle rope. Roode, to his credit, is selling the hell out of his shoulder. Roode hits the Double R spinebuster (ugh) for 2. Crimson counters the Payoff into a schoolboy, which Roode escapes out of into a fujiwara, but Crimson’s too close to the ropes. Crimson goes for the sky-high, Roode rolls out, but Crimson still ends up hitting it for 3. Apparently, he’s calling the move “Red Sky” now.

Winner: I Am Weasel. I’m not really impressed with either of these guys, but I know that they are not going anywhere since they and Gunner are being groomed for the top three spots in the company. Crimson now has 31 points.

We get a look at Anthony Nese, one of the wrestlers in the X-Division tournament match tonight. Never heard of him.

Abyss is going nuts looking for his mask, while we see Brian Kendrick wearing it for some reason. Them feuding over a title belt that Abyss undeservedly holds wasn’t enough; now they’re fighting over his stupid mask.

A look at the second X-Division wrestler in tonight’s tourney match, this being Jack Evans. For those that don’t know, Evans is one of the best high flyers in the world. That means he will probably be hired and then misused rather quickly, going by TN-Impact Wrestling’s shining track record.

Kendrick’s in the ring with Abyss’ mask, and says he intends to give it back, as he just wants to share his thoughts with Abyss. I really hate this pseudo-spiritual gimmick by Kendrick. Abyss comes out to his very generic music, hiding his face with a towel. Can’t blame him. Have you ever seen Chris Park’s face? Kendrick begins quoting philosophers who talked about God. Basically, Kendrick’s promo is about how he wants to reignite the X-Division. He also claims that deep down, Abyss knows he needs to get rid of his mask and become a man. He gives Abyss the mask back, and to show gratitude, Abyss begins kicking the crap out of Kendrick. God, Kendrick’s got those stupid shoes on with the toes already molded. I just lost a lot of respect for him. Abyss whips Kendrick into the stairs and guardrail, then throws him back in the ring. Kendrick’s trying to fight back, but with no luck. Kendrick takes the Shock Treatment and the Black Hole Slam before Abyss leaves the ring.

Jesse Sorenson is the third man in the X-Division match tonight. Again, I’ve never heard of this guy.

MATCH #2-X-Division Series Qualifying Round-Jesse Sorenson vs. Anthony Nese vs. Jack Evans
Evans is the only one who gets an entrance. I’m rooting for Evans, not only because I’ve heard of him and he’s awesome, but because he’s another hometown boy. Nese throws Evans out of the ring, while Sorenson gets a rollup on Nese for 2. Nese eats a kick from Evans and a dropkick from Sorenson. Evans hits a series of flips, leading to a flipping dropkick. Evans is hard to keep track of. Nese gets 2 with a clothesline on Evans. Nese up top, but gets a kick from Sorenson, who pins Evans for another 2. Sorenson hits a somersault plancha onto Nese on the outside. Evans shows him up with a springboard 450 splash on both men. All three back in the ring, and Evans gets a nearfall on each guy. Evans eats a couple of knees in the corner from Nese for 2. Sorenson hits in inverted swinging neckbreaker on Evans for another 2, and Evans takes the sickest looking bumps. Nese with a flapjack and German suplex on Sorenson for 2, but Evans breaks that up with a standing moonsault. Sorenson puts Evans on the top rope and is looking for a superplex, but Evans just throws him to the outside. Nese tries as well, but Evans turns it into a super gourdbuster. Evans hits the 630 splash, and this one’s over.

WINNER: Jack Evans. Evans joins Ion, Aries and Low-Ki in the tournament. Good match, but Evans really carried the other two. They both looked alright, but Evans was far and away the highlight.

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We see the British Invasion in the back (along with Big Roid), talking about how Non-Mexican America won’t be attacking them again. Magnus basically says they’re a rip-off the British Invasion (true). Williams is complaining about how he’s not being featured at TNA Destination X, so he will be issuing an open challenge at the show.

There will be an “Ultimate X” match at the PPV featuring Shannon Moore, Robbie E, The Amazing Red and Alex Shelley, with the winner being the new #1 contender to the X-Division title. If Shannon Moore and Robbie were replaced by two other people, this could be a good match. Oh, well. At least I got to see Cookie tonight (only for a few seconds, though).

Velvet Sky is saying that she’s done being a target for the other knockouts. Apparently, she is smart. At least, that’s what she says. There was really nothing else to this promo. For as hot as Velvet is, she comes off about as sharp as marbles.

My feed cut out due to weather, so when the show comes back on, Sting is in the locker room with Kurt Angle rambling incoherently.

MATCH #3-Knockouts Handicap Match: Jackie and ODB vs. Velvet Sky (If Jackie and ODB lose, they are gone from Impact)
Do I really have to recap this Botchamania moment waiting to happen? O.D.B. is mocking Velvet’s entrance. Velvet comes out through the crowd and hits both of them with a chair. Match starts with Velvet and ODB. Chops to ODB’s chest, which is pretty pointless. More chops in the corner, and a kick to the butt. Corner clothesline and another kick to the butt. Sigh. Another clothesline and a bulldog, but Jackie comes in and clocks Velvet in the head. This match is about as exciting as you’d expect. Not much to report on. Velvet with another clothesline and a bodyslam, but ODB breaks up a pin attempt. Man, there’s some varied offense in here! ODB throws Velvet in the corner, but misses a knee. Velvet continues with the chops and butt kicks. Jackie comes in with more forearm shots punches and kicks. ODB in again, and she varies the offense with…forearms and kicks. The two miss a double-team back body drop when Velvet kicks both of them, and now she’s hitting…kicks and forearms. I’m so tired now. ODB brings in a chair, but accidentally clocks Jackie with it. Velvet kicks the chair into ODB’s knee, and Velvet gets her oh-so creative standard DDT finisher on Jackie for the 3.

WINNER: Velvet Sky. Jackie and ODB are gone, at least until next week. This match sucked, pure and simple.

In the back, a weird segment with Devon and D’Angelo Dinero. Pope’s sucking up to Devon, and Devon isn’t having any of it. I still don’t understand this angle.

The four-way X-Division match is next. We get a highlight video of A.J. Styles and Daniels training together in a gym. Daniels begins listing off all of his injuries. I love Daniels and all, but if these injuries are true, it’s probably not the best thing for him to continue wrestling.

MATCH #4-Four-Way Match: A.J. Styles vs. Christopher Daniels vs. Jerry Lynn vs. Rob Van Dam
Four-ways are even harder to recap than three-ways, so bear with me. This will feature tag rules, so maybe that will make it easier. Lynn and Daniels lock up, and Lynn looks like he’s recovered from his back injury very well. A leg lariat by Daniels gets 2, and Lynn answers with a head scissors. Styles in now. Lynn and Styles trade holds and a couple of Japanese arm drags, and we get an “indy clap”. Styles tags in RVD. They do a series you’ve seen in every one of their ECW matches, followed by more “indy claps”. Daniels tags in and gets an STO on RVD. RVD catches a rolling kick and a standing moonsault, but botches Rolling Thunder for 2. Daniels tries for a springboard but gets a kick to the midsection. Styles tags in of Daniels while Lynn tags off RVD and catches an enziguri. Styles gets tripped up top and a super hurricanrana by Lynn. Daniels tags in and hits a weird stomp on Lynn for 2. Styles hits the Superman on RVD and tries for the backflip inverted DDT on Lynn, but Lynn suplexes him out of the ring. Daniels hits a standing Uranage on Lynn, but misses the Best Moonsault Ever. Lynn blocks the Angel’s Wings and drops Daniels with an emerald flowsion. RVD is up top, hits the Five-Star Frog Splash on Daniels and gets the 3.

WINNER: Rob Van Dam. Good match, but it felt incredibly rushed. I don’t think they even got 10 minutes to wrestle.

Eric Young is standing by an RV that he supposedly owns. He calls himself the Television champion and a huge star. The second part is questionable. He then mutters something about Hollywood. Pointless segment.

MATCH #5-BFG Series Match: Matt Morgan and TNA World Tag Team Co-Champion James Storm vs. Devon and D’Angelo Dinero
Another match already? I am shocked. Out of these 4, Pope is the only one with no points on the board. Remember a few months ago when Dinero said he was quitting TNA? Neither does he or TNA. We learn that, once again, only the wrestler who gets the fall gets the points. Devon takes a kick and a shoulder from Storm for 2. Arm wringer by Storm gets reversed and Morgan tags in. I don’t care about the “Impact Fantasy Game at all”. Morgan with a bodyslam and a Hogan legdrop for 2. Stupid Morgan; only Hogan gets 3 on that. Storm tags himself in but takes a spinning back elbow, a bodyslam and a jumping headbutt for 2. Devon tags in Pope, who takes a hip toss and immediately tags back out. Storm gets a hooking clothesline and tags M-M-M-M-organ back in. He does his stupid back elbows in the corner, hits an avalanche and sidewalk slam for 2. Storm back in, but Devon hits a second rope shoulder block. Guess he also read Warrior’s book about loading spaceships with rocket fuel. Pope’s back in off the hot, hot, HOT tag, gets off the typical hot tag moves before Storm gets a lungblower for 2. Morgan and Storm begin fighting about who gets the points. Devon and Morgan both go outside, and Morgan’s selling a knee injury all of a sudden. Pope clocks Storm with the tag title belt and tags Devon in, instead of going for the pin. Devon gets the 3, and Pope made himself the dumbest wrestler of the night (thus far, anyway).

Winner: Devon and D’Angelo Dinero. Devon gets another 7 points and, oddly enough, is now in 3rd place in the series.

Anderson is in the back saying people shouldn’t talk to him like he’s 2 because he’s grown (despite the childish promo). He mentions some nonsense about his former employer, and then we go to commercial. Seriously, what is Anderson’s appeal?

We get another promo with Mr. and Mrs. Diet Shasta Orange, and they are in Arena Mexico, continuing to piss off an entire nation. Supposedly, the day they come back is “Big Daddy” Shasta’s birthday, and Mrs. Failed Stripper says she has a gift for every member of Immortal. Jeff Jarrett also says he will have a surprise of his own, showing everyone why he’s the “King of Mexico”. His words (hint: he won AAA’s Mega Championship-their version of the world title-from El Zorro).

The stills TNA uses to hype PPV matches make everyone look like lepers.

Sting is in the locker room taking really, REALLY fake punches (complete with *thump* sound) from the Orange Menace, egging him on the entire time. He then takes a not-even-close-to-connecting bat shot to the head. Hogan then says Sting crossed the wrong senior citizen.

MATCH #6: Immortal vs. Kurt Angle and Sting
Sting is not coming to the ring after that VICIOUS worse-than-stage-combat beat down from Brooke Hogan. Steiner starts the match for Del Boca Vista, but takes a belly-to-belly suplex for 2. Blubber Ray is in, and very viciously rips Kurt Angle’s pre-cut shirt off, followed by a neckbreaker for 2. Ray was screaming something about Mexico during this move. He goes for the Bully Bomb, but Angle reverses into a German. Anthony Edwards is in now, and he takes a snap suplex for 2. Now it’s time for Prince Justice to come in (look it up). He tries for a chokeslam, but Angle rolls through into an ankle lock. Bully Ray “flies in” (Tenay’s words) to break it up. Steiner is back in, and hits the spinning belly-to-belly for 2. Gunner’s back in now (worst main event name ever), and he’s hitting your generic heel offense. Abyss back in with a bodyslam, and now we get Ray in with the chain. As he goes to hit Angle, Battle Dome Champion Michael O’Dell comes down to the ring, distracting Ray long enough to eat an Angle Slam. Anderson is on the corner now, asking for a tag. Apparently, he’s now in this match, logic and rules be DAMNED. He tags in, goes to give Ray the Mic Check, but gives it to Angle instead. He then throws Angle out, tags him in, and Ray pins Angle for 3.

WINNER: Phase 2 of the Pines at Clark Gables. Totally pointless match.

The heels surround Angle, asking what Anderson’s going to do, and he jumps into Abyss’ arms. Didn’t they already do almost this EXACT SAME THING a few months ago? The heels hold Anderson up as Hogan hobbles to the ring, clapping. I guess Anderson is in Immortal now (again, at least until next week). End of show.

This show was much better than Impact has been in a long time. That’s still like saying that you’d rather take a punch to the face than a kick to the testicles, but nonetheless. The X-Division matches weren’t bad, but considering the talent in the four-way, it should have been a much longer match.

Full TNA Impact Wrestling July 7 Results
Crimson defeated Robert Roode – Bound For Glory Series Match
Jack Evans defeated Jesse Sorenson and Tony Nese – TNA Destination X Qualifier Match
Velvet Sky defeated ODB and Jackie – 2 on 1 Handicap Match
Rob van Dam and Jerry Lynn defeated Christopher Daniels and AJ Styles
Devon and The Pope defeated James Storm and Matt Morgan – Bound For Glory Series Match
Gunner, Bully Ray, Abyss and Scott Steiner defeated Kurt Angle & Sting

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (I need to get more posted on there, I know). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Gerri Davis Banner, NPC National Level Heavyweight and Masters Female Bodybuilder

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 06-30-11 – A Lack of Impact

June 30, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Sting wrestled Scott Steiner on ImpactHello, everyone. Welcome to my first time recapping TN-Impact. While some of you might have noticed my sarcasm in my Smackdown! recap last week, strap in, because you’re in for an even bumpier ride this time around. Why will I be so hard on this show compared to others? Well, let’s be honest. Have you ever SEEN an episode of this show before? Okay, that’s what I thought. Now that we are clear with each other and you know what to expect, let’s get on with this train wreck.

We start the show with Hulk Hogan and Scott Steiner in the back. Apparently, Steiner is the new member of Immortal. Hogan praises Steiner for a minute or so before hearing Sting’s voice. We see Sting cutting a promo on a monitor backstage, and he’s basically just talking about how he’s going to get Hogan while doing the stupid Joker voice. This leads Hogan to come out to the ring.

BTW, the entrance “videos” TNA Wrestling-pact uses are terrible and cheesy. Hogan begins talking about how he can’t believe Sting’s turned into such a coward. He somehow segues this into World Champion Mr. Anderson, who comes out to the ring, complete with his Battle Dome title belt. On a side note, Anderson has completely made the word “a**hole” worthless. Hogan tells Anderson he needs Hogan as badly as Hogan needs him, and when Anderson has to face Sting at the PPV, he can either join Hogan’s Orange Goblins (aka Immortal) or face psycho Sting by himself. Anderson responds by discussing his cockiness. Okay. This promo seems to have no end in sight, as it’s already gone on for 8 minutes. Hogan tells Anderson that we can’t have Sting running around the company, and that Anderson joining the Goblins equals money and ratings. Anderson says he doesn’t care about Hogan or Bischoff, and that he plans on taking Sting on by himself.

Just then, we see Sting beating up Steiner, Bully Ray and Abyss in the back. The lights go out, and when they come on, Sting’s in the ring with a bat. He takes out Hogan and chases Anderson off. He continues to attack Hogan, and there seems to be a jar of protein in the corner for whatever reason. Sting begins talking about how he was a Hogan mark back in the day (as if Hogan needs another person to do so), and this promo seems to have no rhyme or reason to it. Sting grabs the protein, which is apparently a giant jar of vitamins, and he’s shoving them in Hogan’s mouth. This is a rather homoerotic visual, I have to tell you. Sting then locks Hogan in the scorpion death lock, but you can tell Sting’s not putting any force into due to Hogan being crippled.

We are now joined by Ray, Steiner, Abyss and Gunner. Yes, Gunner. Anyone else think Steiner kind of looks like Johnny Bravo? Ray calls Sting a wannabe and a nobody. Talk about the pot and the kettle. Bully Ray says he can’t stand bullies. Ray then challenges Sting to a match for tonight, and then Hogan says he’s going to wipe the smile off of Sting’s face. He better bring a heavy duty washcloth.

Mike Tenay reminds us approximately 1000 times that tonight’s show has limited commercials thanks to 5-Hour Energy. I sell 5-Hour Energy at my store. It’s garbage. We learn that Crimson, Gunner and James Storm picked up more points for the “Bound For Glory” series at house shows, as well as A.J. Styles. Crimson is in the lead at 17. Gunner will battle A.J. Styles in the series again, and Devon will face Samoa Joe. Now, 20 minutes in, because “Wrestling Matters”, we get our first match (but not before the first commercial break).

MATCH #1-Blades of Glory Series Match: Devon vs. Samoa Joe
You know why Samoa Joe loses all the time? Because he wears shoes. It’s science. Neither Joe nor Devon have any points yet, so the winner gets on the board with this match (not that either have a chance of winning the series). They trade holds for a few seconds, and Joe almost immediately goes for the Kokina Clutch, but is too close to the ropes. Devon gets Joe into the corner and starts punching, but Joe reverses and kicks Devon’s head off. Joe with a knee and is now punching Devon in the corner, followed by the Face Wash.

Devon’s back up with a spear and some clotheslines, reverses a whip into a spinning back elbow, uranage, headbutt and some more clotheslines. Kick out at 2 by Joe. Joe hits a leg lariat off the middle rope and then locks in a leg grapevine, but Devon gets the ropes again. Joe’s looking for a submission to get more points and locks in a key lock, but Devon’s in the ropes again. Apparently, Joe doesn’t realize where the ropes are. Joe back to the arm with a jujigatame, but no go. Joe catches Devon off the top with another kick and tries the clutch again, but Devon rolls out. He catches Joe in a standing uranage, and somehow, this is enough to get the three.

WINNER: Devon. Devon gets on the board with 7 points, while Joe is still at 0. Okay match. Longer than your average Impact fare, that’s for sure.

We go to the back where Pope is in the back with Devon’s kids, celebrating.

Back into another part, and we see Steiner yelling at Ray, Gunner and Abyss. Gotta love Steiner promos. Seriously, someone needs to give him and The Iron Sheik their own reality show stat. I’d recap what they are saying, but all you really need to know is Ray and Steiner are yelling nonsensically at each other.

Back to another part of the building, and Kazarian is telling Joe he’s too good to be sucking this badly. Joe calls him Tony Robbins. Joe calls everyone in Fortune “b*tches”. That’s really about it for that segment.

We get a recap of the X-Division Series, where Austin Aries and Zima Ion (ugh) have qualified, and tonight, Low-Ki, Matt Bentley and Jimmy Yang will be in the match tonight. Apparently, Jimmy Yang is doing the horrible “Flying Elvis” gimmick again.

MATCH #2-X-Division Series Qualifying Round: Matt Bentley vs. Jimmy Yang vs. Low-Ki

Bentley looks a little “special” without hair. So much for that retirement from wrestling, I guess. I’m picking Low-Ki to win this match, but I have a feeling that he’ll wind up being misused by this company once again. 3-Ways are hard to recap, so I’ll do my best. Yang is wrestling in the full jump suit. Ki with a cross body on Bentley for 2, but eats a kick to the head from Yang almost immediately. Yang lands another kick in the corner, and off the top with a cross body for another 2. Bentley back in (looking chubby, BTW), and he throws Yang out, who tries to skin the cat, but Ki is thrown into him by Bentley, leading to another nearfall. Bentley gets 2 off an elbow, and now we go to restholds. Tenay needs to shut the hell up about the limited commercials.

Ki is back out off a clothesline, followed by Bentley, followed by Yang who hits a very nice diving cross body to the outside (although he botched the landing). Yang and Ki back in to more restholds. Ki answers some knees with a crucifix, but another kick by Yang gets 2. Ki fires off some kicks of his own, and then hits a double stomp on Yang out of a sunset flip attempt. Ki hits the Tidal Crush on Bentlet and tries for a pin, but only gets 2. He goes back to Yang, who fires off yet more kicks. Bentley hits a really sloppy DDT/ace crusher combo on both guys before dropping Ki with a superkick for another 2. Bentley’s up top and tries a cross body on Yang, who turns it into a over-the-knee gutbuster. Yang misses Yang Time, but Ki lands the Warrior’s Way on Yang for the pin.

WINNER: Low-Ki. Solid match, but there were far too many kicks for my taste. That, and you can tell that Matt Bentley hasn’t been in the ring in a while. He’s looking pudgy, and he botched some basic moves that he shouldn’t have.

We listen to some of the X-Division guys talk about the upcoming Destination X PPV, including Kurt Angle, because nothing says X-Division like that nutcase. And where did Tenay lose all of his credibility?

Okay, apparently, the challenge Bully Ray made to Sting earlier was for him to face Steiner. Not sure when that changed, but alright.

We are then “treated” to a promo starring Madison Rayne, Winter and Angelina Love, who is apparently gotten over her zombie-ness. These three will wrestle Tara, Mickie James and Miss Tessmacher in a 6-knockout match later. Can we say workrate? Angelina Love starts rambling about how her relationship with Winter is no longer “synthetic” (whatever that means), and I can’t pay very close attention here because Angelina Love’s lack of body is making me nauseous. She could use a sandwich or ten.

Does Spike TV have a contract that states all of their original programming must be atrocious?

Check out the full Camel Clutch Blog Pro Wrestling and MMA store for videos, t-shirts, books, and more.

We then see Kazarian and Samoa Joe in a bar. Kazarian makes a crack about how Joe found the bar, and has had no trouble finding Wendy’s. He’s right. Joe beats up Kazarian all over the bar, the same way he did to Crimson a few weeks ago. Not sure the point of these segments.

Hogan’s in the back, taping his hands up, rambling about beating up Sting. Yeah, okay.

MATCH #3-6-Knockouts Tag Team Match: Angelina Love, Winter and Madison Rayne vs. Miss Tessmacher, Tara and Knockouts Champion Mickie James

Winter’s music is appalling. I would rather hear the death rattle of my only child than have to listen to that music. Madison Rayne being from the same home town as me makes me sad. On top of that, you can barely tell the difference between her and Mickie James anymore. Not exactly sure what Tessmacher’s gimmick is supposed to be at this point, and I’d tell you what my nickname for Mickie James is, but it’s not appropriate here. Taz is rambling about all the hot chicks in the ring. Where?

The “match” starts off with James and Winter. Stupid hair whip that every woman does by James, followed by a Thesz press that has Lou rolling around in his grave. Angelina Love is in, and she’s apparently had 16 more boob jobs since last week. Now Tessmacher’s in, and she does what she does best-nothing. Tenay informs us this is an elimination match. Since when? Winter back in with a chinlock on Tessy, who gives Winter a stinkface. Winter lands a northern lights suplex and the 3.

Tessy is eliminated.

Tara in with her stupid standing moonsault, which gets 2. Winter picks Tara up in a fireman’s carry, and Love hits Tara in the face with the Botox Injection. Rayne tags in and gets the 3.

Tara is eliminated.

Rayne eats a Mick Kick while Love and Winter stare and do nothing. Mickie gets the 3.

Rayne is eliminated.

Love and Winter now double-team Mickie with punches and go for the Botox combo again, but Mickie reverses into a roll-up for 2. Mickie takes a backbreaker from winter, and then Love’s inverted DDT/lung blower move. She starts to go for the pin, but her and Winter start arguing over who’s going to do it. Mickie’s back up and hits her hurricanrana out of the corner on Winter, followed by a hangman’s neckbreaker on Love for 3.

Love is eliminated.

Mickie hits the standing tornado DDT on Winter, and this match is over.

WINNERS: Mickie James, Tara and Miss Tessmacher. This match was a mess. There was just no science to it, with the Knockouts title taking a backseat to the Winter crap. I guess this whole thing with Winter and Angelina has mostly been dropped, with Love getting over her drug addiction at a miraculous rate of just a week.

Gunner is in the back talking about how he and A.J. Styles are 1 and 1 in Blades of Glory matches, and that he’s the number 1 guy in the company and will prove it after he beats A.J. again tonight. He talks about proving to everyone that he will be world champion and a main eventer. Nothing screams main event more than a name like “Gunner”.

I don’t think I want to know the type of person who is excited about playing the Impact Wrestling fantasy game.

Another promo segment with Brian Kendrick and Abyss because, you know, “Wrestling Matters”. Kendrick’s doing his spiritual leader bit, while Abyss is rambling on about The Art Of War again.

Mike Tenay is STILL rambling on about the “limited commercials”. We’re now doing a contract signing segment with Daniels and A.J. Styles. Why? Oh, and Daniels now has his worst theme music yet. Listening to Taz and Tenay argue about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING is giving me a migraine. Nothing against Daniels and Styles, but did their non-title, semi-meaningless match at Destination X really require a contract signing bit?

Daniels says this match is about nothing else except the X-Division, and A.J. agrees. Daniels says there’s no better match to headline the PPV than Daniels/Styles, and for once, I actually agree with something on this show. They both sign the contract, and Jeremy “Toolbox” Borash announces is official. Out of nowhere, Jerry Lynn begins heading to the ring as Borash leaves. On a side note, I’ve met everyone in the ring right now (all great guys, BTW). Lynn then says that he’s sick of hearing guys argue about who built the division, and that the division is supposed to be about the wrestling.

Now, Rob Van Dam makes his way to the ring to his terrible music. He tells us all he’s the “Whole F’n Show”, in case we had forgotten that. He says he was X-Division before there was an X-Division. Lynn reminds RVD who feuded with him for a year, and who the “New F’n Show” is. Since Lynn and RVD will also be facing each other at the PPV, Daniels comes up with the idea of a 4-corners match involving all four of them next week. They all agree, so that will happen next week.

Lynn is still better than most guys half his age.

Gunner comes to ringside from nowhere and begins attacking Styles. A.J. gets the upper hand, and his match with Gunner will start now.

MATCH #4-Blades Of Glory Series: A.J. Styles vs. Goose
A.J. starts on offense with kicks and punches, followed by a jumping knee and a back suplex. He backs Goose into the corner, but eats a running knee as Iceman gets on the highway to the danger zone. Tom Cruise goes for a powerbomb, but A.J. reverses into a Pele and a dropkick sensds that guy from E.R. out of the ring. Alright, I’m out of Top Gun references for now. A.J. hits a flip dive on the outside. Back in the ring and A.J. eats a clothesline. Gunner’s got a little blood trickling from his left eye. He picks up A.J. for the Mr. Pibb (what I’m calling his version of the F-5), but A.J. kicks out of it. A.J. goes to the outside for a top rope move, but Gunner kicks the ropes as A.J. comes back in. He picks up A.J., lands the Mr. Pibb, and this one is over.

WINNER: Gunner, who earns 7 points and takes the lead in the series over Lance Sackless with 21 points. To the 5 of you that get that reference, kudos.

Dear god, I didn’t notice it before, but during this entire show, there has been a graphic in the upper left corner that says “Limited Commercial Interruption”.

Red Jump Suit Apparatus are horrible. It’s fitting they’d be featured on Impact Wrestling.

In case we’ve forgotten, Taz reminds us all that Impact Wrestling is presented with “Limited Commercial Interruption” by 5-Hour Energy.

We get a recap of all the nonsense going on between ODB, Jackie and Velvet Sky. It’s drivel.

Velvet Sky begins talking about how she is used to being bullied and blah, blah, blah. Tons of promos=”Wrestling Matters”. Apparently, Velvet Sky isn’t weak anymore, and that she has a handicap match against ODB and Jackie, where if ODB and Jackie lose, they’re gone from TN-er, Impact Wrestling. That will happen next week, and Velvet will lose. We will also see the 4-corners match next week, as well as Lance Sackless vs. Bobby Robert Roode.

No! We have to listen to Hernandez talk again?! Fortunately, he cuts it short and hands the mic to Anarquia, who is only slightly better than Hernandez. No one in this group is a full-blown Mexican, BTW. He rambles on about how they are not criminals, and why they can’t be in the BFG series, and how they’ve beaten everyone in the company (even though, you know, they’ve hardly beat anyone). I’d be pissed if I was one of the people in the audience who had seats across from the hard camera, as the giant Mexican flag hangs down the entire time Mexican America are in the ring.

The British Invasion come down to the ring, and Magnus mentions how they are also foreigners in the U.S., and how they are proud of how they are living in the U.S. I guess they just became faces now. Magnus says he doesn’t like people who come to another country and expect everything handed to them, and that Mexican America hasn’t earned anything. He says they have yet to beat the British Invasion, and that it won’t happen either. He asks for a tag team match to determine the real #1 contenders to the tag titles, and that Anarquia and Hernandez need to be men and leave the girls at home. He then calls the girls “los prostitutos”, and I’m inclined to agree. This leads to a brawl between the teams, which leads Big Roid Terry to come out. I guess he’s saving his former pseudo-countrymen and reforming with them, despite the fact that he’s from Wales.

Great. A segment with Karen and Jeff Jarrett. Jeff is like that can of Diet Shasta Orange in the vending machine at a roach motel that no one wants. The can is ancient, and the vending machine guy won’t replace it because he’s either too lazy or deep down, is really hoping someone will buy it one day. Basically, they talk about how they are in Mexico and will be back soon. For those that don’t know, Jeff Jarrett pissed off an entire nation of wrestling fans and won the AAA Mega Championship.

Back to Orlando and Abyss is pretending to read his book again. You know, a few weeks back, he was looking at that book and had it open on camera. You know what was inside? I kid you not, it was full of hand-written cue cards. All of a sudden, Abyss begins looking for his mask, which has apparently vanished. He starts to flip out about his mask as Gunner tries to calm him down.

MATCH #5-“Big Poppa Pump” Johnny Bravo vs. Sting Ledger
We start with Bloated Ken Doll doing the fancy introductions, but Johnny Bravo is having none of that. Spinning belly-to-belly gets 2. Bravo’s chest is almost concave at this point. He hits a clothesline and a posing elbow before going into push-ups. Because nothing says “strong” like an exercise that even the weakest child can do. Bravo’s dominating, and I think it’s because Little Suzy isn’t out here to distract him.

Sting Ledger gets a boot up in the corner and begins hitting weak chops and a facebuster for 2. Sting hits the Stinger Splash, but Steiner catches him in a reverse STO for 2. Steiner goes for the Steiner Recliner, but Sting reverses it into the death lock. Steiner catches the ropes and gets a thumb to the eyes. T-Bone Suplex, and both are down. I’m mad we didn’t get a real Steiner promo tonight. Sting gets a kick to the back, Scorpion Death Drop, and this one’s over.

WINNER: The dead movie star.

Sting pulls out another mini bottle of paint. Why in the hell did he have paint in his tights? Blubber Ray runs down to the ring, but eats some clotheslines and a Stinger Splash. Mr. Anderson comes in and hits the sloppiest Mic Check you’ve ever seen. Seriously, Anderson sucks a fat one. The Orange Goblins are now double-teaming Sting, and neither of them seem to know how to put on a submission hold. Blubber begins yelling for Hogan. Hogan gingerly walks to the ring and starts hitting Sting with some old man punches. He grabs Sting’s bat, which cause Kurt Nutjob to run into the ring and get the heels out of there. End of show.

This has definitely been more fun than the Friday Night Smackdown! recap. So much more raw sewage-I mean, material, to work with.

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

TNA Impact Wrestling 6/30/11 Match Results…
Bound for Glory Series: Devon defeated Samoa Joe
Bound for Glory Series: Gunner pinned AJ Styles
In an X-Division tournament bout, Low Ki defeated Matt Bentley and Jimmy Yang
Mickie James, Tara & Miss Tessmacher defeated Madison Rayne, Winter & Angelina Love
Sting pinned Scott Steiner


Feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com. Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 06-16-11

June 17, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

anderson vs. gunnerImpact Wrestling was quite explosive Thursday night as upsets were abound, new faces were featured, and plans for future pay-per-views were unfurled, including next month’s TNA Destination X and Fall’s Bound For Glory.

Thursday marked the start of Mr. Anderson‘s second reign as World Heavyweight champion, and the opening segment featured him coming out to a ring adorned like a high school kegger (more on that theme later). He called it his “A$%hole Championship Reception” and no one showed up to celebrate except the uninvited Immortal hitman Gunner. Because he helped take out Sting last week on Anderson’s behalf, Gunner wanted return payment of one title shot, which Anderson replied in kind with a pitcher of apparently strychnine and fiber glass laced beer. Seriously, it looked like all he did was splash beer in his face and Gunner’s eyebrow and nose looked like they were on the receiving end of Cain Velasquez hammer fists.

Needless to say, this opened the door for a match later that night, just not a title match. As much as I thought the whole Rob Van Dam/Mr. Anderson/Sting series was pretty weak because it lacked a strong heel, I’m starting to love the writing of this current heel vs. heel series. Eric Bischoff clearly stated that he wouldn’t call off the suddenly pushed Gunner because Anderson refused to join Immortal. It may rub wrestling traditionalists the wrong way, but I like when there is a gray area and that’s probably why Anderson has been able to battle both sides so convincingly.

The match itself was okay and neither guy really showed us anything special—in fact, I dare say that Anderson looks a bit out of shape, especially for a World champion. Spoilers be damned, I was reading and listening to a few takes of the raw result of this match and how it makes no sense for a mid-card guy to pin the World champ but this ending was great. After Anderson took clear control, he actually called for the microphone mid-match, announced himself as TNA’s champion, went to pick up Gunner but Gunner quickly reversed and hit his fireman’s carry facebuster for the upset win on the champ.

I know when you compare him next to the booking of titans like John Cena and Randy Orton, it may seem silly that Anderson lose while champion, but the idea that the title holder is beatable and just had a bad night, or has become too cocky for his own good, is progressive and appreciated from fans who want different things in their squared circle.

Anderson’s clearly not a huge guy—he’s more of a class clown who outsmarts his enemies, but not this time. Gunner actually wasn’t bad on the mic this week and got a chance to cut his first real promo, but I’m just not sure fans will buy into him being outwitted by Eric Young just weeks ago for the TV title and now being pushed to the front of the Immortal line. Bully Ray must have really pissed someone off.

In huge PPV news, TNA announced their Bound For Glory series, which on paper sounds amazing. In a nutshell, the BFG series goes like this: 12 TNA wrestlers will all wrestle each other in a round robin format across all venues…PPV’s, Impact, Xplosion, live tour events, and each match’s outcome gives that wrestler so many points (10 for submission, 7 for pin, 3 for DQ win, -10 for DQ loss, etc.). These matches can be tag team matches, triple threat affairs, steel cage matches, but at the end of the series, the top four in points standings move on to some sort of four corners match at No Surrender, the PPV before Bound For Glory. The twelve competitors are: Rob Van Dam, AJ Styles, Gunner, Robert Roode, James Storm, Bully Ray, Crimson, Matt Morgan, Samoa Joe, Devon, Scott Steiner, and The Pope.

This seems like a fun, unique way to get all the guys involved and carry the program through the dog days of summer. As a sports nerd, I love anything with standings and this almost has a fantasy game feel to it. I do like how the format is not too stringent, because do we really need to see James Storm and The Pope in a singles match on Impact or a PPV? The points system is a little weird…minus 10 points for someone interfering in your match? That should allow for some breezy writing.

Handicapping the field, I think I can almost eliminate Devon, James Storm, The Pope right away. Crimson, Bully Ray, Matt Morgan, and Scott Steiner are good dark horses, but I wouldn’t make that bet. That leaves, RVD, AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Gunner, and Robert Roode, who is looking more and more like a singles competitor by the hour. I’d say it’s a good bet that three of those five make it to the final four.

The first match in the BFG series saw Rob Van Dam best Samoa Joe with the Five Star Frog Splash. Nothing was too exciting from the RVD camp, but Joe went all out and did a suicide dive through the ropes on his opponent. Impressive stuff, but RVD still won and captured seven points.

Pertaining to the more recent future, Destination X is coming back next month and TNA promises to bring back a bunch of ex-employees for the gimmick PPV. How nice of them, don’t ya think? It was also announced that the entire PPV would happen inside the old 6-sided ring. Personally, I can’t really stand the hexagon but then again I never watched TNA with much conviction when they had the odd looking ring. On paper, it gets the old guard excited again, so the changeup is welcome in my household.

The first match leading into Destination X featured three guys I believe I’ve never seen before—Kid Kash, Jimmy Rave, and Austin Aries. Their high flying exhibition prevented you from looking away and was easily the most exciting match of the night. Rave looked to be the most technically sound and Aries had a nasty double suicide dive to the floor, but either way it looked like both were a cut above Kid Kash. Coming off as a bit clunky, Kash’s moves were slow developing, including his backflip off the top rope to the floor where both Aries and Rave were waiting for several seconds. Aries eventually hit a series of nasty kicks on Rave before finishing him off with the brainbuster for the win. Based on that match alone I hope they give Aries or Rave that X Division money left vacant by the released Jay Lethal.

In case you missed Slammiversary Sunday night, the Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett feud was supposed to end but that mess flared up again the very next event because while Angle was announcing that he’s training for a 2012 US Olympic run on the wrestling team, Jarrett came out to challenge Angle to one last fight. What?! Fortunately, Angle called Jarrett out on the same crap and said he had no honor by continuing the feud, which Angle clearly won and ended. Regardless, Angle accepted the parking lot fight, with odd stipulations about Angle taking back his kids and Jarrett moving to Mexico if he lost. Seriously. I can’t make that up.

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In what was straight from a high school coming of age film, Angle and Jarrett brawled in the parking lot around a circle of peers, at night, with headlights lighting up the fighting space. I seriously thought I was watching a modern adaptation of The Outsiders or something. Angle pretty much destroyed Jarrett in what devolved into an MMA style fight, even though Jarrett did hit his Stroke finisher at one point. Kurt started choking him out with a shirt, Jeff mumbled something and the fight was over. There appeared to be no definite winner..again, so expect this series to prolong.

Rosita and Sarita defended their Knockout Tag titles against Velvet Sky and Miss Tessmacher in what ended up being a thankfully busy night for Mexican America. I like the team of Velvet and Tessmacher, who could reform Beautiful People, because it’s a bleak, bleak time in TNA without money making factions like the Beautiful People and Beer Money. Hernandez and Anarquia were quickly thrown out by ref, leaving us with a par for the course Knockouts match which saw Sarita and Tessmacher with very similar outfits, which seemed like a bad wardrobe snafu.

Eventually, TNA wants us to think that Velvet has OCD because ODB appeared in the crowd, causing Velvet to completely lose focus and chase after her, leaving Tessmacher to get dominated and pinned by Rosita. Afterward, ODB and a black woman from the crowd, later announced as a returning Jackie, jumped Velvet and beat up male security guards. Cool security, Impact Zone.

Hernandez and Devon opened up the wrestling portion of the program. I thought I would have nothing to say about this match but Devon hit a spectacular spear on a jumping Hernandez that I’m calling the move of the night. Even though we haven’t seen much of the former Team 3D member, Devon looked particularly jacked for this match, so hopefully management rewards him with some sort of fruitful mid-card program. In a lame finish, Mexican America runs in for interference, ending the match and causing The Pope to come out and help Devon to standing cheers. Now Pope is a face again? What the hell is going on out there?! You should only be allowed two turns every two years, but Pope pulls the old 180 on the same schedule you change out your Brita filter. Really weak—I hope he goes 0-for in the BFG series.

Sting continued his cries for Hulk Hogan to turn back to his old ways and showed him he was serious by yelling random crap about “Stinger’s not done!” and smearing Hulk’s face in snapdragon facepaint. I guess this is what happens when you lose your title but still have months to go on your contract.

Eric Young was creeping around backstage asking guys to wrestle him for this TV title. Or wrestle for him…it wasn’t clear what the dude was asking. Eventually, he caught up with Austin Aries being interviewed after his match, but “wrestled” the unsuspecting interviewer and had Aries count the three for the win. While not one of his finer comedic performances, Young is still killing it with his 70’s and 80’s TV show references…”I’m coming for you, Scott Baio!”

Scott Steiner and Bully Ray cut promos against each other for next week’s BFG series match, including Steiner hilariously ranting about Ray wanting donuts, sugar, and burgers. It was amusing seeing a steroid-ridden, chain link wearing, sun glasses sporting man yell “I AIN’T GOT NO SUGAR!!” but your mileage may very. Once again, a match featuring an Immortal member against a non-Immortal heel will strengthen the field as a whole and make future results more unpredictable. On a side note, I always loved the idea of a guy innocently cutting a promo and then for no other reason the crew goes over to the other guy and says, “hey, look what he said” and causes the reaction promo. Such trouble makers, those cameramen.

VERDICT. Six decent matches tonight if you count the Sharks vs. Jets showdown in the parking lot between Angle and Jarrett a match. This was one of the more original, well thought out and tightly executed Impacts in a while. Anderson may not gotten off to an extremely rocky start as champ, but the stage has been set and I would think it would be hard to screw up foolproof plans of a Bound For Glory series and the setup for fan favorite Destination X. Even if half the performers tonight were from the B-Team, it was still an exciting show. 9/10

Full Impact Wrestling Match Results
Devon def. Hernandez, Interference DQ
Austin Aries def. Kid Kash and Jimmy Rave in a Triple Threat, pinfall
Sarita and Rosita def. Velvet Sky and Miss Tessmacher, pinfall
Rob Van Dam def. Samoa Joe, pinfall
Gunner def. Mr. Anderson in a non-title match, pinfall
Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett brawled to a no decision


Joe Leininger lives in Gainesville, FL and writes for The Playing Field and Destigeddon.

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 06-09-11

June 10, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Gunner vs. StingIf you missed the last Impact Wrestling before Sunday’s Slammiversary then you didn’t see guys like Gunner and Eric Young featured in the main event. Decided last week, TV Champion Eric Young would buddy up with World Heavyweight Champion Sting against their two current rivals, Gunner and Mr. Anderson.

The match wasn’t anything to write home about, but it was just nice to see some fresh faces in the center stage. After a little back and forth that was surprisingly carried by Sting for the majority, Gunner pushed a distracted Eric Young into Sting, who fell prey to an F5 type maneuver from Gunner for the huge upset victory.

Like it or not, it was a huge risk to have such an undeveloped guy pin your Heavyweight champ. Personally, I’m happy about this – I read a couple of leaks that say that management is looking to push both Gunner and Crimson in this calendar year. I know that Crimson is ready, whose move set, athleticism, and penchant for winning streaks should make him viable. But what about Gunner?

Even if the match was decent, the writing for this program between the four main eventers was suspect at best. During a Mr. Anderson and Gunner backstage look in, Anderson was requesting that Gunner hurt Sting, to which Gunner responded with a well articulated thought. What? For weeks, he was Cro-Magnon, lunatic Gunner who would grip his title belt with his teeth and brawl first, grunt questions later. I believe Gunner is prime for a big push, but TNA will more than likely find a way to make him look bad. Then, the same “smart” fans who whine and complain about all the old geezers hogging the spotlight will hit the forums and say that “Gunner is rushed” or “Gunner is stupid, bring in Carlito!” or “Dixie and Eric and Hulk and Vince need to be thrown in a Mortal Kombat acid pit, boo TNA…”

The Anderson transformation from quasi-asshole to full blown heel has been so forced that it no longer makes his character feel genuine. He randomly threatens other wrestlers and says that he never liked anything Sting stood for. Sting’s whole gimmick from last year was about not trusting authority and deception, which are a lot of the same qualities that make a skeptical, gum smacking Anderson entertaining. Explain that logic to me.

On the other side of the match, you had Sting cut a promo telling Young to “knock off the comedy!” Are they even reading their own storylines anymore? He was conked in the head and is now a lovable three shades Of Mice and Men. After the loss, Sting shoved Young away and didn’t want any part of an apology or anything. Then, to top it all off, Stinger takes a play from the How To Be an Effective Heel playbook, stalks Anderson, assaults him, and covers him in face paint. Perhaps he just snapped, but for a guy who was so adept at sneaking around rafters and messing with people, Sting should have a little more mental resolve than that.

The upsets persisted through the night because earlier on Mexican America defeated the makeshift Tag Title team of James Storm and Alex Shelley. This ended up being a warm-up for Storm and Shelley, who will be defending the belts against The British Invasion at TNA Slammiversary. This match was a whole lot of fun, especially with Magnus on commentary, who was throwing out insults left and right, with a nod to him calling Mexican America “selfish pricks” in a good light.

The team of “Gun Money” dominated early and even combined some of their signature moves, but it wasn’t long before Sarita and Rosita ran interference. James Storm, ever the gentlemen, spewed Beer Money brand beer in Sarita’s face, but this distraction was long enough for Anarquia to regain health and avoid a Shelley superkick that landed square on the jaw of his partner. Anarquia threw Shelley out and covered Storm for the win.

Afterwards, heels butted heads as Mexican America stormed Hulk Hogan‘s office and in a round about way accused management of not giving them the title shot because “they were Mexican!” Hogan proceeded to sternly, but in that classic Hogan inflection, come back with something like “you’re about to call me racist, brother, and I don’t like it!” Come on, guys, Eliminate the Hate.

This wasn’t exactly a groundbreaking moment, but combined with other factors tonight it could be foreshadowing to a potential face turn for the Hulkster. The opening segment saw Sting address Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan, reminding Hulk of his glory days when the fans loved him and he wasn’t inflicted with the cancerous Bischoff. Fans will be quick to call this an all too surreal moment of clarity, because in actuality the company can’t change for the better with both Bischoff and Hogan, but I think it’s just a nod that their characters will probably divorce in the next couple months.

Bully Ray issued an open challenge which was summarily answered by Rob Van Dam. Nothing real memorable happened, but AJ Styles appeared up close in the crowd long enough to distract Ray so RVD could set up his signatures and end with a Five Star Frog Splash for the win. TNA is really trying to ham up Ray’s bullying – he actually chased Christy Hemme from the ring, called her a useless bimbo, and told her that her Playboy cover sucked. Now he’s picking on women, too? I’m calling it right now; we will see a promo soon where he steals a little kid’s lollipop from Universal Studios. Good luck in your match against monster heel, AJ.

ODB and Velvet Sky exchanged pretty funny promos before brawling in their second-to-last match of the evening. ODB continued with her “Velvet is a prissy, made up whore” routine, but then out of nowhere let out a large, guttural “BOOOM!” to no one in particular. Careful, Mrs. B, more stuff like that and you’ll end up on The Soup, but not under the “chicks, man” segment.

Velvet then cut a response wondering why ODB has to be so dirty and telling her “there’s an ointment for that.” I think the real story here was Velvet’s mess of a rug on top of her head. Her skunk curls looked like Medusa got in a fight with Shirley Temple at the Ale House for UFC night. I normally like textured hair, but Velvet needs to stick with the straight locks.

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When their match started it was all ODB, who began brawling outside with Velvet and throwing her into guardrails and steel steps and anything else that was chained down. Looking like yet another depressing Velvet job, she caught ODB with a surprise DDT and barely escaped with the win, landing an approximate four moves of offense. I was kind of hoping for ODB to get up and tell Velvet to “go back to her home on Whore Island!”

In yet another match where a champion was pinned, Madison Rayne ran interference on behalf of Winter and Zombie Angelina Love, causing Angelina to hit Mickie James with a reverse DDT to beat James and Tara. Angelina’s ring psychology was great here, and she actually carried the match, but man was she looking super skinny tonight. I understand her commitment to fitness, but it’s becoming dangerously close to unattractive. Winter should probably woman up, stop feeding her only spiked alcohol and get a Big Montana meal from Arby’s.

My stinker of the night goes to Tara for selling out and being all buddies with Mickie James. Despite your hatred for Madison, you still also hated Mickie James enough to do things like RUN HER OVER WITH YOUR MOTORCYCLE A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO. Tara was lip syncing and dancing to Mickie’s country song like they just came down for breakfast at a slumber party or something. Sure, you can tag together, but have a little more animosity towards each other to make it believable.

The various promos of the night included a halftime in ring war of words between Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett. Honestly, all you had to do was hear what they were saying because it was pretty much the same riffraff you’ve been hearing for the better of two months. Just a way to remind fans that, “hey, yes, we are indeed fighting at Slammiversary!” Jarrett claims that Karen won’t be in attendance Sunday…wait, is TNA wising up to the fact that no one likes Karen? Probably not – she’ll be there.

Don’t forget about the Crimson and Samoa Joe match. Mike Tenay and Taz really hyped this cell phone video of the two guys brawling at what looked to be a sports bar. My money? It was the Chicago Cubs themed Friendly Confines down there in Orlando. I’d brawl a large Samoan man, too, if I had to eat their food and drink their watered down beer again. I’ll give them credit here – it was a quick, somewhat effective, and original way to bridge the gap to their match on Sunday. Although, I don’t know many cellular phones that shoot video in widescreen.

Abyss continued his quest to be the number one fanboy of “The Art of War” by running off quotes and telling Kazarian and Brian Kendrick that he will not destroy the X Division belt, but try to rename it the Extreme Division title instead. In light of semantics this was all a set up for Abyss to challenge both Kendrick and Kaz to a three way for the X Division at Slammiversary.

VERDICT. The matches were all long enough for you to grab on to something and chew a bit, but the writing confused me at times. You have one guy, Sting, who in principle should still be a destructive heel, against fan favorite Mr. Anderson, who is just now realizing that management completely blows? Why take it out on the fans? Some of the other stuff was just loony and had me asking if the past show notes were recently lost in a house fire. But since wrestling matters, and that’s what we saw, I’ll give it a pass. 6/10.

Full Impact Wrestling Match Results
Angelina Love and Winter def. Mickie James and Tara, pinfall
Mexican America def. James Storm and Alex Shelley, pinfall
Rob Van Dam def. Bully Ray, pinfall
Velvet Sky def. ODB, pinfall
Gunner and Mr. Anderson def. Sting and Eric Young, pinfall

Joe Leininger lives in Gainesville, FL and writes for The Playing Field and Destigeddon.

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