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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 10-20-11 – James Storm Wins The TNA Championship

October 21, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

james stormHey, everyone. Welcome back to your Impact Wrestling recap for 10/20/11. I apologize for my hiatus last week. Some stuff came up at home that prevented me from doing the recap. However, I want to thank not only Matt Church for covering for me while I was away, but also to Eric Gargiulo for being so understanding on why I needed to step away for the week and keeping the position open for me. You guys are aces.

Anyway, the show begins and I’m already depressed. I accidentally came across the spoilers for the “main event” tonight, and it instantly made me miserable. I won’t spoil it right now, as you’ll see soon enough. I will say this-Many of you probably won’t agree with me, but I don’t care; I really hate James Storm as a performer. His voice, his catchphrase, his moveset, his gimmick, his stupid spiked hat, just everything. Tonight won’t be helping relieve any of that hatred.

We start with a recap of last Sunday’s Bound For Glory pay-per-view, mainly the feud between Hulk Hogan and Sting that saw Sting win their “big” match and regain control of TNA for Dixie Carter. Between Hogan and Dixie Carter, who really is the lesser of two evils at this point? Once again, the night saw Hogan do an immediate face turn after he lost the match, something no one wanted or needed.

In the Impact Zone, Sting makes his way to the ring, sans facepaint. He’s still wearing a Hogan t-shirt. Taz and Mike Tenay discuss the “shocking” revelation that referee Jackson James is Eric Bischoff’s kid. Sting says it feels good to be in the Impact Zone again. 18 months ago, he made a vow to everyone. That vow was getting TNA back into Dixie Carter’s hands and the “real” Hulk Hogan to come back. The Hogan that transcends wrestling and defines wrestling. Crowd is mindlessly chanting Hogan’s name. Sting admits he had to step out of his comfort zone, but at BFG, it was all worth it. It came to a defining moment where Hogan would either continue his ways with Eric Bischoff, or do the right thing for the wrestlers and the fans. In that defining moment, the “real” Hulk Hogan came home. God, this is so sickeningly sweet, I’m developing a cavity. Sting asks Hogan to grace us with his presence.

Hogan makes his way down to the ring, and he’s got his red and yellow crap on again, posing his once-impressive arms that now look like giant bags of Jell-O pudding. Orange, leathery Jell-O pudding, mind you, but Jell-O pudding nonetheless. Sting and Hogan hug in the ring, forgetting the last 18 months ever happened. Hogan pretends to be overcome with emotion. Hogan admits he’s been wrong for the last year. He doesn’t blame anyone but himself. He had a rough couple of years and became a follower instead of a leader. He thanks Bischoff for helping him get his life back together, and that’s how he became a follower. But now that everything’s cleared up, he realizes how wrong Bischoff was. Now that Hogan is back, there is only one person to thank for that, and that’s Sting. I’m getting sick with all this glad-handing. Hogan says that at BFG, when he saw the “pack of wolves” known as Immortal tearing Sting apart, he saw exactly what was going down and “saw the light”. When he saw Sting begging him for help, he saw things perfectly clearly. He saw what he used to be, but now he’s back, and what’cha gonna do when the Hulkster and the Stinger run wild on you, brother?

Hogan says he can’t tell everyone how amazing this run has been, and he has to thank Sting for that. He calls Sting the true icon and thanks him as his music begins to play again and he leaves the ring. Sting’s still here. He tells Hulk he’s still got it before asking Ditsy Carter to please come out. Carter comes out to some god-awful music. She’s walking like she has no idea how and is just learning for the first time. Commercial.

We get a commercial for Jeff Hardy’s upcoming TNA DVD. Great. Another TNA product no one will watch.

Back from commercial and Dixie Carter is in the ring with Sting. Until now, I never truly realized how hideous she is. It’s like a cross between a skeleton and a painted scarecrow. Sting says this is a night to celebrate as the rightful owner gets her company back, but it doesn’t erase what happened 18 months ago. Sting tried to talk to Dixie then and show her the light, and she found out how tough wrestling is the hard way. But, they’ve got the company back now. When Sting thought he was done with wrestling, Dixie gave him a second chance and a home in TNA. Sting wouldn’t take anything back from the last 18 months, but from here forward, Dixie needs to surround herself with people who have the best interests for the company in their hearts. There is no room for error, and she can’t make any mistakes this time. This is her second chance.

Dixie says she’s sorry to everyone and that she should have listened to Sting, and that she won’t make the same mistake again. Her place in the company is making it the best it can be, and if anything in the last year has taught her anything, it’s that she needs to fight for the company and make it the best in the world. In order to do so, she’ll have to spend more time at TNA headquarters as president, and she wants Sting to help her run the day-to-day operations in TNA. She will give Sting full authority over the company as he has never stopped fighting for TNA. She asks if he will do it as the crowd chants “Do it”. Sting says he’s willing to do it. Dixie thanks everyone for everything before hugging Sting.

Kurt Angle begins making his way down to the ring. Wonder if Kurt wants “beastiality sex” with Dixie Carter like he did Sharmell Sullivan? As Angle makes his way down the ramp, we go to another commercial.

We’re back, and for those wondering, we’re already 25 minutes into this show and we’re still on the same promo segment. Wrestling Matters! It’s still real to me, dammit! Anyway, Angle gets a mic and says we have two superheroes in the ring, the icon Sting and Dixie Carter, the woman who lied to him, made him look like a jackass and the sole reason he joined Immortal. Angle says he knows Dixie thinks she had a great PPV at Sunday, but he’s still World Champion, whether she likes it or not. He’s the World Champion, but all Sting can talk about is Bobby Roode, and made Roode look like a hero for the last 30 days. In 30 minutes at BFG, Angle made Roode look like a loser. Well, you and everyone else at TNA.

Bobby Roode makes his way down to the ring. God, is this segment ever going to end? Sign in the crowd says “Roode Got Screwed”. He gets screwed even worse tonight. Roode asks Angle if he’s kidding. He asks Angle if he’s going to stand here and take that victory at the PPV before calling him pathetic. Roode says Angle had to screw him in the match by holding the ropes. For the last 13 years of his life, Roode has given everything for that one moment, and all of his dreams and aspirations were rolled into one night at BFG, and Angle screwed him. What Angle did at BFG was bullsh*t. Roode says that maybe there’s nothing he can do about it now, but as he continues, Sting cuts him off. Sting points out the sign I just mentioned. Tonight, in this ring, Sting is making a match tonight for the World title between Roode and Angle. Yeah, that’s not going to happen. Angle steals Miz’s “Really?” bit at this. Angle says when Roode signed the contract for BFG, he had Bischoff and Hogan put a little stipulation in the match contract, and that is Roode can only wrestle Angle once. The reason is because Roode is a real threat and the real deal, and Angle just screwed his ass. Since when did Roode change his name to Jenna Morasca? Kurt Angle starts to spit James Storm’s catchphrase, which causes Storm to come to the ring. Commercials again, and this segment STILL isn’t over!

Back from break (at the 37-minute mark), and James Storm has a question to ask Angle. Did the contract stipulate that Storm couldn’t wrestle him. At BFG, Storm says Angle screwed the fans, the company and Bobby Roode. When Angle screwed Roode, he screwed James Storm as well, and now Storm and Angle have a problem. He tells Sting he thinks everyone still wants to see a World title match tonight. Angle says no way, and that there’s ten guys ahead of Storm who deserve a shot. Yes, and none of them will ever get it thanks to TNA’s brilliant booking strategies. Sting says he likes his new position because he has authority now. He makes the match between Angle and Storm for the World title in the main event tonight. Roode then spits Storm’s stupid catchphrase at Angle. Give it up for Roode. He’s selling the hell out of this for his partner, but deep down, you know he has to be just fuming.

Backstage, we see Hogan leaving the building, but before he can, he’s cut off by Bischoff, Ric Flair, Scott Steiner, Blubber Ray and Top Gun. Bischoff says he doesn’t want anything to go down here, and wants it to go down in the ring tonight, “our way”. He says if Hogan has any balls left tonight, he should face Bischoff in the ring tonight so Bischoff can get a few things off his chest. Bischoff keeps emphasizing the word “balls”. Why does he always think he has to repeat everything he says, like we didn’t get it the first time? Anyone else remember the Sid Vicious “don’t have a pair of scissors” remark?

46 minutes into this show, we finally get our first match, and it’s for the worthless Knockout Tag Team titles! Huzzah!

MATCH 1-Knockout Tag Team Championship: Champions Miss Tessmacher and Tara vs. Angelina Love and Winter
Before the champs can finish their pseudo-lesbian entrance, they are attacked in the ring by the challengers. Love is strangling Tessy with her own shirt before her and Winter go into a corner double stomp. Tessy goes for a roll-up for one, but comes back up into a clothesline by Love. Love with some crappy punches before tagging in Winter. Winter whips Love into Tessy in the corner. Winter hits a backbreaker for 2. Instead of paying attention to the match, Taz and Tenay won’t shut up about Bischoff’s kid, who is now going by the name of “Garrett Bischoff”. Bet you didn’t know referees needed gimmick/name changes like the wrestlers, did you? Winter tags Love in as she goes for a foot choke in the corner. Love with a snapmare and an elbow for 2. Tessy with a jawbreaker, but Love stops her from making the tag. Tessy reverses a corner whip, but Love makes it onto the turnbuckles. She boots off a charging Tessy but misses a cross body from the middle rope. Tara and Winter tag in. Tara hits some sloppy punches and a bad-looking clothesline. She takes off her shirt and chokes Winter with it before hitting the Spider’s Web for 2. Love breaks up the pin. Double-whip on Tara, but Tessy hit’s the blind tag. Tara with a double clothesline. She throws Love out, and Tessy connects with a top rope cross body for the 3.

WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: Miss Tessmacher and Tara. Have I mentioned that Miss Tessmacher is the most useless in-ring female performer in the company, with Velvet Sky running a very close second?

Speaking of useless women, we see Jeff and Karen Jarrett walking around, arguing.

Back from commercials, Mr. and Mrs. Diet Shasta Orange make their way onto the stage. I still can’t believe AAA let him do that to their top belt. Oh, and if you’re wondering, no, he never, EVER defends it. Jeff’s got a new Impact Wrestling shirt on. Apparently, TNA can’t do a single shirt design without making it look either like Tapout or Affliction crap. Jeff tells Jeffrey Nero Hardy to get out here right now, because one way or another, he’s going to finish what he started at BFG.

Jeffrey Nero Hardy makes his way out to a big pop, because Impact Zone drones just love their drug addicts! Did Hardy draw the design on his shirt? No wonder no one takes him seriously as an artist. Double J asks if Hardy thinks he’s going to walk right back into his main event slot like nothing happened. Jarrett asks if he forgot that the founder of TNA is the one who brought him into the company, and that he no-showed an event under Jarrett’s watch. He says that Victory Road was not the first event Hardy no-showed, and it damn sure won’t be his last. Actually, Jarrett, he did show up at Victory Road. Granted, he was so stoned, he probably didn’t know he was even there, so it’s kind of the same thing. Jarrett says some want Hardy there, and some don’t. He doesn’t care what others want, because he damn sure doesn’t want Hardy to be a part of this organization. He gives Hardy a choice-he can leave TNA and never be seen again, or he can suffer the consequences at the hands of the founder. Jarrett takes his shirt off and is looking pretty pudgy. Hardy starts to act like he’s going to leave, but doesn’t. He tells Jarrett the people want him here, and Jarrett’s the only one who is still bitching. He says Jarrett can’t stand the reactions Hardy gets from fans, and it eats him up. Hardy says Jarrett can’t stand that he’ll never have what Hardy has with these people. Jarrett goes to assault Hardy, but Hardy comes back with punches, a clothesline, and some punches on the mat. “Security” comes in to break the “fight” up. Hardy dives over them and continues punching Jarrett. Now the Hebner boys are in here trying to do something. Jarrett does the “dive over the security” bit now. Jeff does it again. Al Snow, Pat Kenney and D-Lo Brown come in to try and break things up. Now D-Lo and Al are screaming at each other and getting in each other’s faces. Speaking of people gaining weight, D-Lo looks like he’s put on about 100 pounds. As they’re doing this, Jarrett breaks away and botches a low blow on Hardy before kissing his horse-faced wife.

Angle’s in the back talking to the camera. He says he’ll whip James Storm’s ass tonight, over and over again, because nobody backs baby into a corner. No one!

For those wondering, we are now 70 minutes into this show, and have had ONE match. Backstage, Eric Young is telling a photographer he wants a sexy photo shoot. Rob Terry and Robbie E walk up. Robbie E asks Eric if he looks like an idiot. The joke here is he’s got his stupid tall frosted hair and gigantic stone-covered sunglasses on. Ha. I get it. Comedy. Robbie says everyone knows the TV title belongs to him, and Young’s been ducking him. Young says that, since he’s the TV champion, that makes him in charge of television. He tells Terry he loved him in the “Conan” movies. Young says all he has to do is ask Sting to make the match, and he will. But, if “Big Robbie T” interferes in the match, he’ll have to call in some big guns from Hollywood, like Ronnie from “Jersey Shore”. Robbie E makes some stupid remarks about how Eric Young looks Amish. Again, in case you’re wondering, yes, Dixie Carter threw more money at another “Jersey Shore” star to come in, which will do absolutely nothing for ratings or buyrates.

MATCH 2: Gunner vs. Abyss
Abyss left Immortal on Sunday after helping Hogan and Sting. Now you’re caught up. Before the match start, Gunner gets a microphone. This should be stunning. He says that, last week, they decided to take out the trash, and when you’re part of Immortal, you have to prove to everyone that you belong at the top. He took it upon himself and went to Immortal and said that he could be the one to take Abyss out, and he promised them he would. He tells Abyss to come down here and face his worst nightmare.

Gunner tries to cut off Abyss, but Abyss fights his way out. Some punches in the corner and a clothesline from Abyss, followed by kicks and stomps. Abyss hits a tree slam. Gunner tries to leave the ring. Abyss pulls him in and punches him, sending him to the outside. Abyss follows and throws Gunner into the steps. Back in the ring, Gunner immediately slides back out and leaves through the crowd. Abyss decides not to follow and takes a count-out win.

WINNER VIA COUNT-OUT: Abyss. Well, that was just the greatest TNA match in the history of ever anything.

Backstage, we see new Knockouts Champion Velvet Sky. She’s rambling about how she proved all of her doubters wrong at the PPV. She thanks the fans, who have been behind her “150,000 percent”, and she’s going to thank them now. Great! Another promo segment! There hasn’t been nearly enough talking on this show tonight. Not hardly.

In some other backstage area, we see Flair, Bischoff, Blubber and Johnny Bravo talking as Gunner runs into frame. He says he doesn’t know if everyone just saw that, but that wasn’t Abyss; that was a monster. Immortal might need someone like that. Bischoff says he’ll deal with it, but now it’s time to take care of Hogan.

We get a video package for Velvet Sky. I could give a damn.

Velvet Sky makes her way to the ring. “Let the pigeons loose” may be the worst catchphrase in wrestling history. Velvet gets a mic and says it feels so good, and she feels so proud to stand here as the Knockouts Champion. She says this has been an emotional journey for her, and with every obstacle that’s been thrown in her way, to get to her dream was totally worth. The title is for everyone who told her she was not good enough and those that tried to shut her down and make her feel weak. It took her 4 years to achieve her dream, but she did it, and did it with the support of her fans. Cue Karen Jarrett.

Apparently, Karen Jarrett is still the V.P. of the knockouts division. You would’ve thought that Carter getting the company back would’ve negated that. Oh, wait. That requires logic. Karen comes out with Traci Brooks. Who cares? She reminds both Brooks and Sky that she is the V.P. of the division and can fire both of them right now. She screams at the crowd to shut up, then screams at Sky and Brooks. Firing them would be too easy. She says Velvet wants to cry over winning the belt. She’s a mother, and we don’t see her out here crying over crap. You’re right; you just scream nonsensically over crap. She asks Traci if she thinks she’s had it bad. Karen says she hasn’t seen anything yet, and she’s about to make Traci’s life a living hell. She says if they think they’ve seen the mean side of Karen Jarrett, they haven’t seen anything yet. Didn’t she just say that? She orders security to throw Traci out of the ring after doing some more screaming. She continues to tell Velvet to shut up. Karen says Velvet will respect her. She doesn’t know who Velvet thinks she is or who she thinks she’s screwing with. On Monday, Karen told Jeff Jarrett the first thing she was going to do was “strip that little bitch of the title”. Jeff asked her what the fun in that would be. Where would the pain, blood and scars be in that? She wants to see Velvet physically put in her place, and she knows just the person to do it. Before what happens is about to happen (??), she gives Velvet the advice of keeping eyes in the back of her head.

Cue our second horse-faced broad tonight and my soulmate for life, Madison Rayne. Despite her loud music, you can still hear Rayne screeching as she makes her way to the ring. As Velvet is arguing with Maddy, Gail Kim knocks Velvet down from behind. Kim punches Velvet over and over as Karen continues to wail. I was hoping Gail wouldn’t show up here, as I tend to instantly lose respect for women who jump ship from WWE to TNA as they all turn into whiners.

We see Hogan making his way towards the ringside area as we go to another commercial.

Back from the break and Bischoff & Friends make their way to the ring. Taz and Tenay are still arguing about Bischoff’s kid. You know, you would think all these guys would be fired with Sting winning that match. Oh, wait. We’re talking logic again. Bischoff says he’ll take care of his “punk ass kid” in his own way on his own time. He reiterates the “balls”, really emphasizing “balls”, before calling Hogan out to the ring.

Hogan limps his way to the ring. Hogan says if Bischoff’s got anything to say, he’s got one chance right now. Bischoff says he’s got a lot of things to say, and he hopes Hogan packed a lunch, because it’s going to take him a while to get it all out. Noooooo! We already had a 45-minute promo segment! Not again! Bischoff says, first off, how can Hogan explain turning his back on Immortal, and how dare he! If that wasn’t bad enough, Hogan turned his back on Bischoff, the guy that made Hogan. He’s the man solely responsible for making Hogan the man he is today. The worst offense Hogan committed was getting between Bischoff and his son. How dare you corrupt him! Bischoff had his son right where they needed and wanted him, ready to turn him into Eric Bischoff. That’s…kind of creepy. Hogan says he’s learned a lot about Bischoff and his son in the last few days, and one thing he’s learned is Garrett Bischoff is a man Eric could never be. Bischoff slaps Hogan. Hogan does the pointing bit. Gunner, Blubber and Steiner jump into the ring. Sting slides in with a baseball bat and gives another bat to Hogan. Bischoff is backing up the ramp when his kid pops up on the entrance ramp. Eric backs right into him, then turns around. Eric mouths off to him and asks what he’s got to say to him. Garrett calls him a disgrace. Eric pushes him a couple of times, slaps him, then rips off his shirt, revealing a “Bischoff” tattoo on Garrett’s chest. He calls Eric a nothing, and that he’s not a Bischoff. Eric says he never wants to see Garrett again. Garrett decks him and then gives Hogan and Sting a thumb’s up.

The main event is up next after the commercials, and with only 15 minutes left in the show.

We see Bobby Roode and James Storm walking in the back. Storm is mumbling about how he wishes he had more time to prepare for this match tonight. Roode says he’s been preparing his whole life. Storm has been here from day one, and this is for the title. Roode says there’s no doubt in his mind that Storm is ready to be champion. Right now is Storm’s time, and he needs to go out there and kick Kurt Angle’s ass, and that everyone knows he can do it. Storm was there at BFG to feel Roode’s pain. Tonight, he wants to feel Storm’s excitement. They shake hands and Storm walks away.

MATCH 3: World Championship: James Storm vs. Kurt Angle
Looking at Angle and how he’s wasting away, it’s only a few years before he’s nothing but a shrunken head in a mason jar. After we get the introductions from Bloated Ken Doll (including a plug for 5-Hour Energy), the match starts with only 5 minutes left until 9:00pm. Keep that number in mind. Angle’s leg is heavily taped, and Storm looks like he’s about to cry. Angle kicks Storm in the gut and hits a punch. In the corner, Angle with some more punches. More corner punches. A stomp. More corner punches and stomps on the mat. Referee tries to pull Angle off. Angle throws the referee out of the way and turns his back to begin arguing. Angle turns right around into the Last Call. This match is over.
Total match time: according to my DVR, 2 minutes.

WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: James Storm. Yes, your new world champion is “Cowboy” James Storm. The same James Storm who wears a spray-painted, spiked cowboy hat, used to ride to the ring on a motorized beer cooler and once feuded with Eric Young for months on end over a plastic WWE spinner belt with a plastic belt glued to the front that was referred to as the “World Beer-Drinking Championship”.

So…Bobby Roode wrestles Kurt Angle for nearly 30 minutes (according to Angle), and can’t get the job done, but Storm, the weaker half of the team, does it in less than 3 minutes. Want to know why? Because Angle was hurt going into the PPV, and wound up even worse after it was over. So, instead of just dropping the belt to Roode at the show like he should have, especially knowing he was injured, he instead keeps the belt, gets hurt worse and winds up looking like a pathetic loser at the next taping in a squash loss against James Storm. Anyone care to take this? Anyone?

Kazarian, Roode and A.J. Styles come down to the ring to help celebrate. Storm says he’s been with the company since day one. He’s watched people come and go, but one thing’s for damn sure, “The ‘Cowboy’ is here to stay, you son of a bitches!” He calls the victory a little bitter sweet. He tells Roode he’s his best friend, that they are the greatest tag team in the whole world, and that the belt belongs to him. Storm hands the belt over to Roode. He says the belt looks really nice, but Storm deserves it. He then wraps it around Storm’s waist.

End of show.

This was, without a doubt, the worst episode of Impact I’ve ever seen, and that’s really saying something.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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TNA No Surrender 2011 Results – Angle Retains, Roode Wins BFG Series

September 12, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Kurt Angle & Hulk HoganI was not quite sure what No Surrender actually meant in the overall scheme of the TNA No Surrender 2011 pay per view. Yet after watching I think it was obvious. TNA creative will not surrender their booking plans in the face of negative publicity and regular front page stories on TMZ.com.

If you thought that TNA would alter their future plans for Bound for Glory after seeing their world champion on TMZ.com for committing a DWI and later accuse police of framing him, then you are mistaken. Only tweeting negatively about the company will get you in the dog house and put you on the chopping block.

Kurt Angle retained the TNA championship at No Surrender Sunday night in a move that was both surprising and indicative of the inherent problems behind the scenes in TNA. Angle defeated Sting and Ken Anderson in the main-event. The finish marked the second month in a row that TNA charged their fans money to watch a match and delivered a screw job finish as reward for their loyal service.

The match wasn’t bad but like last pay per view’s main event between Sting vs. Angle, the Impact Zone crowd really hurt this match. The fans are just so programmed at this point to wait for someone to run out for the finish, they just sit there and don’t believe anything is a finish until they see someone walk out from the back. And guess what…they were right!

The finish of the Angle vs. Anderson vs. Sting main event saw Sting wind up on the floor. Hulk Hogan wobbled his way over to Sting and sprayed something into his eyes (hey at least he didn’t try a fireball). A “blinded” Sting came back into the ring and was meant by a low blow from the Olympic hero on September 11 who followed it up with a pin.

Earlier in the show, Robert Roode officially won the Bound for Glory series and is now the number one contender for the championship. Roode defeated Bully Ray in a tie-breaker to win the series and the title shot. Roode also beat Gunner earlier in the night, while Ray defeated James Storm on a disqualification.

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This all sets up what is likely a double main-event for TNA’s biggest show of the year, Bound for Glory. Angle will wrestle Robert Roode for the TNA championship while Hulk Hogan vs. Sting will likely infect my former Alma Matter’s arena. Angle vs. Roode is fresh and fans have been begging for a fresh new contender but oh wait, they had that with Crimson and he has gone M.I.A. I am sure it will be a good match because Angle is great in these situations with elevating talent, but I think this could have been much bigger if it were Crimson.

Hogan vs. Sting, good lord I guess they are really moving in that direction. I shudder to think at the prospect of Hogan wrestling. The man looks terrible just walking to the ring. Doctors have already warned him against wrestling after having rods placed in his back. He can’t bump and he can barely move, so I will tempter any expectations. Sting has gotten back into ring shape and has looked his best lately of his current TNA run. I just don’t have high hopes here. Quite frankly, I just hope Hogan gets out of this match in one piece and I am speaking literally on that one.

If I had to blog about a bright spot here and there wasn’t man, Austin Aries looked fantastic at No Surrender. In my opinion, he was the MVP of the night. Aries defeated Brian Kendrick for the X-Division championship. I like Aries but I have to wonder if he is a little too late with his run in TNA. Aries was in his prime and ready for a nice run with TNA during his first stint with the company before he left in 2007. On the bright side, at least he got to ditch that awful Austin Starr name on this go-around with the company.

Full TNA No Surrender 2011 results..
Jesse Sorensen defeated Kid Kash to determine number one contender to the TNA X Division Championship
Bully Ray defeated James Storm by disqualification in the Bound for Glory Series
Winter defeated Mickie James to win the TNA Women’s Knockout Championship
Mexican America (Hernandez and Anarquia) defeated Devon and D’Angelo Dinero
Matt Morgan defeated Samoa Joe
Bobby Roode defeated Gunner in the Bound for Glory Series
Austin Aries defeated Brian Kendrick to win the TNA X Division Championship
Bobby Roode defeated Bully Ray…Bound for Glory Series tiebreaker match
Kurt Angle defeated Sting and Ken Anderson in a Three-way match for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship

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TNA Wrestling No Surrender 2011 Preview & Predictions

September 09, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

TNA No Surrender 2011I’ve seen some “on the fly” booking in my day, but a company who usually crams eight and even sometimes nine matches into a pay-per-view is really going to have to come up with some magic to add to the five confirmed matches for Sunday’s TNA Wrestling No Surrender PPV.

Unfortunately, there’s just not a whole lot of steam heading into the show, and if there is, it’s for the wrong reasons. Many will want to see how Kurt Angle performs in his title match coming off his ugly DUI arrest, while others will speculate whether or not Jeff Hardy will be in attendance and if he’ll wrestle. I hope Hardy wrestles, but let’s start with the confirmed matches…

Kurt Angle (Champ) vs. Sting vs. Mr. Anderson – Heavyweight Title Match. I love TNA, but even the recent swerves are starting to mess with my head. Chew on this: since this time last year, all three of these guys have been both heels and faces, so who’s a guy to root for these days?

Mr. Anderson, a polarizing figure that’s hard to argue, has been written into the ground as the tweener that no one likes, and was just the emergency back-up quarterback to the revolving jobber door that is Immortal. For his sake, I hope Anderson gets a little more concise writing for the rest of the year, because I have such little faith in him that I’m not even considering him in the hunt of this match that was hastily thrown together.

I mean, I could see if Anderson and Angle had Immortal history, but Anderson was jettisoned and concussed from the group before Angle made his new friends. When you throw Sting in the match, who is pretty much boxed into this “legendary” feud with Ric Flair, I can’t see anyone other than Kurt Angle walking out of there as champion. If Impact wants the elements of surprise back, they have to play their hands a little closer to their chests and avoid spoiling imminent Hulk Hogan face turns and matches that completely undermine current storylines (see: the entire BFG series).

Brian Kendrick (Champ) vs. Austin Aries – X Division Title Match. This is the match I’m most looking forward to, mainly because it’s just good ole fashioned lovable champion against the biggest jerk in the world. Seriously, watch Austin Aries do arms up victory laps around the outside of the ring and tell me you can’t get behind that guy as a wrestler? This story has also worked nicely, with rugged Kid Kash serving as Aries’ right hand man, as well as Kendrick’s newly adopted Wizard of Odd motif. Aries was a great signing for TNA, and much like Mickie James finally experienced, don’t be surprised if they put the belt on the highly entertaining challenger. Austin Aries wins with that gorgeous brainbuster.

Bully Ray vs. James Storm – Bound For Glory Series Semi. What?! I’m pretty sure this whole time the hype has been that the final four would compete in a one fatal four way match to decide the No. 1 Contender, so what’s this crap? Back when I was reviewing Impact episodes I gave my thoughts on the competitors chances in this tournament once it was announced, and I ranked James Storm slightly above a dead last Devon, probably because he’s in a little better shape. Injuries have really cleared out the top of the tourney, so obviously some sort of audible was called when Morgan went down with a legitimate pectoral tear and Crimson was taken out with his unbeaten streak still pending. My prediction on this match is reliant upon the other semifinal, but I can’t see BOTH Beer Money guys getting through, so I’ll take Bully Ray in this one.

Gunner vs. Bobby Roode – Bound For Glory Series Semi. Ahhh, the two dark horses and potential future stars of the company come 2012. I don’t believe Gunner is quite there yet, as his Immortal counterpart Bully Ray has a lot more current selling potential in him. I could also see this going down as Bully Ray’s quest to completely invalidate Beer Money by running through them and proving they are pushovers whether as a team or on the singles path. Regardless, this should be a fine wrestling match as I think Gunner has improved his mechanics, but Roode will take this down and be one step closer to a title shot. In the meantime, let’s get Gunner some mic time!

Matt Morgan vs. Samoa Joe. Wow, Morgan recovered quickly. I can’t say I’m excited about this synthetic feeling showdown, but Joe really needs a win here. Just get him the win so he calms down, continues as the war machine that’s not quite a heel so he can stay away from being the 10th leader of Immortal. I want to see Joe chase the title, but as long as there is an Immortal faction, it’s going to be awfully hard to pencil him in to the title docket. It’s going to be interesting to see how Morgan fairs in the ring coming back from injury, but a win here could also boost him closer to the big prize. I’d like to think of this as a pseudo Heavyweight contender’s match, but that’s probably being unreasonably optimistic. Samoa Joe will continue his reign of terror and move on to Crimson.

And, yeah, that’s what’s been announced as of Thursday. However, we can fill in the blanks and assume a few others…

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Let’s face it. AJ Styles needs to be at every PPV and his continuing bragging rights rivalry with Christopher Daniels has been pretty good overall. I also loved the in-Fortune bickering between Styles and Kazarian early this year, so Styles must be pretty good at toeing those same side rivalries. I expect this match to go down after Daniels finally got the upper hand on AJ and didn’t shake his hand at last week’s Impact taping. However, if this is just leading to Daniels turning on AJ and going full blown heel on him, I’ll be extremely disappointed. Wrestling fans have told me that Daniels is notorious for his constant turns and this won’t do anything to move the needle if it happens.

While this could be another lengthy, yet stellar AJ Styles PPV match, the story with Daniels could use a little more meat to it. A potential jockeying for leadership of Fortune perhaps? Let’s try and focus on what they can do instead of their revolving friendship from years past. Daniels got the win last time out, so expect AJ to win clean here.

The impending showdown I’m not looking forward to is Rob Van Dam and his bosom buddy Jerry Lynn stinking up the Impact Zone. I don’t know what it is about Lynn, but something about him rubs me the wrong way. It could be that he just looks like someone I wouldn’t let around my kids, or it could be the ten straight times he’s waltzed out to ringside to check in on Van Dam, ultimately costing Van Dam his match. Every time. This story is beyond lame and I hope Van Dam monkey flips Lynn back to the Indy circuit or O’Reilly Auto Parts whence he came.

As far as the Knockouts division (Rest In Peace, my beloved Madison Rayne, wherever you are), you can probably count on Winter defending the belt against Mickie James in a rematch of their last title match and feud. The Winter/Angelina Love story confuses me a bit, as we’re still kind of unsure if they are vampires, lesbians, weirdos, or just weird, lesbian vampires who wrestle. As long as Mickey James hits at least one clean DDT and Lou Thesz Press, this match will be passable.

And last but not least, let’s go with the off chance that Impact promotes a Jeff Hardy surprise match at No Surrender right after tonight’s Impact goes off the air. If they do, what kind of work would they have for him? I’ll probably hear some groans for this, but I’d stop watching the NFL Sunday Night game entirely if Hardy came out for a match. Even though it’s only been months, that’s a long time to wait with bated breath for a guy you’ve invested time and energy in as a wrestling fan.

I think the perfect opponent for Hardy would be Immortal’s Abyss. Like him or not, Abyss is a fantastic guy in the ring, as well as a team player who can put anyone who needs it over. His X Division angle could have been a calamity but because of his dedication he put in motion the revival of the division. A good to great match against a returning Hardy could give Impact one of their blue chippers back, just in time for guys like Bully Ray to flounder back to the bottom.
I know this PPV doesn’t have a whole lot of hype, but there are definitely some confirmed and pending matches that will stand out as must see. And, don’t kid yourself, folks—the Jets will be up 17 on the Cowboys Sunday night by halftime anyway.

Joe Leininger lives in Jacksonville, FL via the greater Philadelphia area. He dabbles in all things sports, pro wrestling, and television, and more of his work can be found at The Playing Field Blog and DestiGeddon.

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 09-08-11 – Jeff Hardy Returns

September 08, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Jeff Hardy TNABefore getting into the recap, two issues need to be addressed. The first is Jeff Hardy. For those that might not have heard it yet, Jeff Hardy finally plead guilty in a court of law to the charges leveled against him. As a result, Hardy will have to face some harsh punishment…if your idea of “harsh” is 10 days in jail, $100,000 in fees and 2-3 years probation.

That’s right-Hardy more or less got a slap on the wrist despite the charges leveled against him being felonious. This is a prime example of how stupid and superficial we are in this country. If you or I, the average person, had been investigated for these exact same charges, we’d be looking at 10-20 years in prison, if not more. But, because Jeff Hardy is a celebrity, he’s basically getting the equivalent of a kid in grade school getting detention. There are countless examples of celebrities breaking the law and facing next to no punishment, and Jeff Hardy can now join that ever-increasing list. And if you think Jeff’s learned his lesson, guess again. Hardy can claim he’s cleaned up and turned his life around all he wants, but this isn’t the first time he’s been busted for drugs in some capacity. Until I see some real proof that he’s changing for the better, I can practically guarantee this will happen again. As for his career in TNA, mark my words. Once he’s done his 10 days in jail, TNA will show their disappointment in him by giving him push after push, as well as more world title runs.

Speaking of discipline cases, that brings us to good old Kurt Angle. As you should know by now, Angle was busted for DUI yet again this past Sunday. As Justin Henry mentioned in a column, this marks the fourth time Angle’s been busted in less than four years, with the last arrest happening just about five or six months ago, with three of those arrests being drinking-and-driving related. I’m not going to go into great length here, as both Justin and Eric have done a great job of already covering this pretty extensively, but I will say that Angle has been a complete discipline case since he signed with TNA, and I don’t bet this will ever change. In just a few years, Angle has transformed from one of the most talented, physically gifted wrestlers in the world to a psychotic, alcohol and drug abusing, stringy-armed nutcase. And guess what? As long as TNA keeps him employed, he will stay that way. Unlike problematic wrestlers like the Hardys, Angle has never once been punished by TNA to any extent whatsoever. As a result, Angle hasn’t learned a lesson of any kind. TNA has basically given him the impression that, no matter what he does, he’s going to keep his job and be the top guy in the company. Not only does this give the rest of the TNA locker room the idea that, as long as you’re a high-paid main eventer, you’ll never have to worry about finding a job, but it also teaches Angle absolutely no lessons and gets him no help for his problems. And if there’s anyone in the company that needs a lesson taught to him, as well as help, it’s Angle. Angle is a giant rehab festival waiting to happen, and everyone seems to know it except for himself and Dixie Carter. Does the guy have to wrap his car around a tree a’la Matt Hardy before any actual punishment comes his way and he realizes he needs help?

Angle, if you’re reading this, people like you not only have a disease, but truly are a disease, and if you do not get help very soon, someone innocent is going to wind up hurt or worse because of you and your reckless behavior. Worse yet, you yourself could wind up dead. You’ve already lost your wife and family because of your obsessive and abusive behaviors, not to mention your addictions also cost you your job with WWE. How many more need to get hurt before you finally wake the hell up and admit you have problems and need help? If you want to go ahead and kill yourself slowly with alcohol and drugs, that’s your business. But when you potentially endanger the lives of others, that is when what you do becomes the business of everyone else.

Okay, enough of that. Sorry if I went long there. When I get on certain subjects, I can rant with the best of them.

Onto a more light-hearted note, let’s get on with the recap for the 9/8/11 edition of Impact, featuring the return of the aforementioned Jeff Hardy. He will be given the opportunity to speak his mind to the crowd, as well as the TV viewing audience. This should be stunning.

We get a recap of last week to start the show, which saw Mr. Anderson forget that he hates Sting and save him from a beat down from Angle and Hogan. You know, if you need saving from Angle and Hogan at this point, I’d say it’s time to call it a career.

Once again, Impact is “live” from Huntsville, Alabama tonight. Mr. Anderson makes his way to the ring. He says that, the last couple of weeks, he’s been a man of few words. I for one am grateful for that. He says he beats ass and then goes home and goes to sleep. I don’t think he thought that one through before saying. He admits to signing a deal with the devils, those being Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff. He says joining Immortal was a business decision, but not a good one. He asks the crowd to boo him. They do. Because of one “meddling scumbag” in Immortal, that being Bully Ray, Mr. Anderson is now on the outside looking in. He says thank you to Bully Ray, and that if people thought he was annoying before, just wait. Fantastic. Starting tonight, he’s going to be an even bigger pain in the ass. He then starts ranting about Kurt Angle, and that Kurt Angle has overlooked the fact that Anderson still has a rematch for the title, as he never got one after losing the belt to Sting. He’s cashing in his rematch tonight. He calls Angle, even though he knows Angle won’t be coming alone. Anderson has back-up as well in Sting. You know, that guy who destroyed his truck and beat him for the title? Yeah, that guy.

Sting comes out and reminds us that Immortal cost him to lose to Angle in a title match last week. He calls himself a fungus, and refers to Hogan’s arms as “21 inch pythons”. I doubt they’re even that big anymore. Tonight, Sting is wielding the power of “The Network”, and they’ve apparently given him the authority to call the shots tonight. Sting announces himself as the special enforcer in Anderson’s match with Angle tonight. He plans to take all of Hogan’s power away. He and Anderson then hug.

Tonight, Velvet Sky and Mickie James face Winter and Angelina Love, and there will be a 4-Corners Match between the top four in the BFG series-Blubber Ray, Tom Cruise and Beer Money Inc.

You could not pay me enough to go on the “Coastal Chaos Cruise” with the Impact Wrestling roster. Just saying.

MATCH 1-#1 Contender’s Match for the World Tag Team Championship: Devon and D’Angelo Dinero vs. Magnus and Douglas Williams
God. Mexican America is on commentary right now. Kill me now. The winner will get the shot at No Surrender. Nothing like waiting until the last minute to make this match, huh? BTW, who in the hell did either of these teams beat to qualify for a #1 contenders match? Can anyone even recall the last time either team wrestled in a tag team match on this show? Devon and Magnus start off. Devon gets 2 off a spinning back elbow. Pope tags in and hits a flying shoulder block for 2. Pope with some elbows to the head, but Magnus lands a boot to the chest and some mounted punches. Williams tags in and hits a European uppercut. They trade some shots before Magnus tags back in. They hit a double straight jacket drop on Pope for 2. Magnus telegraphs a back body drop, but still connects with a clothesline for 2. Pope fights his way out of the Brits’ corner, but Magnus gets him into another corner. Williams hits a running knee in the opposite corner, followed by a top rope elbow by Magnus for 2. Williams holds Pope up for a boot, but Pope ducks and Williams eats the boot from Magnus. Pope hits his cool hammerlock DDT on Magnus and tags in Devon. Devon hits a few shoulder blocks, followed by an avalanche and sidewalk slam on Williams for 2. He gets a powerslam for another 2, but Magnus breaks it up. Devon hits them with a double clothesline and a standing spinebuster on Williams gets the 3.

WINNERS AND NEW #1 CONTENDERS: Devon and D’Angelo Dinero.

Backstage, Kurt Angle is ranting about Anderson, Sting and Jeff Hardy. Some guy named Eddie Alvarez walks in to greet Angle. Angle acts like they are friends. I’m going to assume he’s some MMA fighter. I don’t really care.

Back from commercial, and we get a highlight video of the top four in BFG series-including comments from the participants-set to a song by the band Staind. I guess Dixie Carter’s taste in music is worse than Vince McMahon’s.

Back in the arena, said four are in the ring. Blubber says that he is a tag team god. He is the be-all, end-all of tag team wrestling, and he knows a great tag team when he sees one. He calls Beer Money Inc. a great tag team, and they will go down in history as one of the greatest tag teams in all of wrestling. Jury’s out on that one. Now, the bad news is, he knows what’s going on through both of Beer Money’s minds right now. They both want to win the series and go on to become World Champion, but won’t admit it to each other. He says they’re both wondering how successful they could be on their own, as every tag team wrestler wonders that, including Blubber. Way to state the obvious. He points at Gunner and says Gunner is willing to do everything to make sure Blubber wins the series. Gunner’s giving him a dirty look now. Both members of Beer Money, on the other hand, will do what’s right for them individually. Ray says he doesn’t have to be in tonight’s 4-Corners Match tonight, but will, because he wants to wear Beer Money down. He says he’s the next World Champion. If that happens, I don’t think I will be able to watch anymore.

Bobby Roode gets a microphone and says people want Blubber to shut the hell up. He says Blubber doesn’t intimidate him and won’t get into his head. He says Blubber was right about Beer Money’s greatness. He says he’s focused on becoming the next World Champion, and it’s been a dream for both him and James Storm, and that’s the dream of every wrestler in history. I feel like I’ve heard this approximately 10,567 times before. Roode says there will only be one man winning the series on Sunday. Blubber points to himself repeatedly. Roode asks him who is going to be the better man on that night, before saying it obviously won’t be Gunner. I like Roode a lot more after that comment. He also says it won’t be Blubber’s fat ass. I like even more after that one, too. Roode says that, whether it’s him or Storm walking out as the next champ at BFG, they will share the celebration and the victory, and no matter what, no one will ever come between their bond or kill Beer Money.

James Storm grabs a microphone and spews his stupid catchphrase. Was there even a point to that segment? And did Gunner even need to be there? He didn’t say a damn word. Not that I’m complaining, as he truly sucks on a microphone.

These new commercials for Droid Bionic are ridiculously overproduced and have nearly nothing to do with the actual phones. Oh, and if you plan on seeing “Buck Larson: Born To Be A Star”, don’t ever, EVER speak to me again.

Yet another Bound For Glory video package for the finals of the BFG series.

We get a clip of Eddie Alvarez fighting. He’s on commentary with a title belt. I’m guessing he’s a champion in MMA, but I’m not about to find out because I don’t care.

MATCH 2-World Television Championship: World Television Champion Eric Young vs. Robbie E
Holy s**t. The TV title is actually getting defended tonight? Wow, it only took him, what, 3 months? Taz tries to tell us Robbie E qualifies for the X-division, but Young does not. No way in hell Young weighs more than 225. Young knocks Robbie down and steps on his back. Robbie reverses a corner whip and does the Flair flip, but Robbie punches Young and gets a 2 with his feet on the ropes. Robbie hits a shot to the gut and some stupid slam. He tries to get another pin with his foot on the ropes, but the referee sees it. Robbie with a bodyslam. He gets on the middle rope, does some fist pumping and hits an elbow. Goes for a pin with his foot on the rope again. The referee won’t count it. Young takes his shorts off, revealing he’s wearing a pair of Robbie E’s tights. There’s nothing blatantly homoerotic about that. No, sir. Young hits some punches, a flying forearm and a bodyslam. Young goes up top and hits an elbow for 2. Young goes for a powerbomb, but Robbie rolls out. They reverse each other a few times before Young hits a piledriver for 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Eric Young. Rob Terry runs in and hits Young with a hoisted powerbomb. Guess his reunion with Magnus and Williams was forgotten. They immediately cut to commercial after the powerbomb. Weird spot to cut away at. This match sucked, and Young’s piledriver looked really bad.

Backstage, Jerry Lynn confronts Rob Van Dam. He basically says he’s sick of living in RVD’s shadow all these years. He’s good enough to make wrestlers look good and put others over, but not good enough to get a TNA contract. He says he’s been working in a warehouse the last few years. He told Bischoff and Hogan he’s better than RVD, and that yes, he screwed RVD last week. RVD knocks him to the floor.

In another locker room, Velvet Sky and Mickie James are talking. Mickie James is carrying a purse dog for whatever reason. Karen Jarrett walks in and say two dogs in the room are enough, and we don’t need three. She congratulates Mickie on winning the Knockouts title, but Winter has a rematch at No Surrender. She says Sky needs to go out there and blow the roof off the place because there’s more to wrestling than shaking your ass. She then tells Velvet she needs to lose a few pounds and lay off the cupcakes. I think Karen’s just mad because she lives on salt likes and bags of oats.

We see Jeff Hardy walk in. He looks fatter than usual. I thought meth addicts were skinny?

Apparently, our main event for the evening is happening halfway through the show, meaning Hardy will actually get the final spot on the show tonight.

MATCH 3-World Championship: Mr. Anderson vs. World Champion Kurt Angle (special enforcer: Sting)
Anderson does his stupid microphone schtick, and says “Ala-frickin’-bama” when addressing the crowd. God, I hate him. Speaking of people I hate, here comes Kurt Angle. He looks skinnier and stringier than ever. Seriously, is he starving himself, doing a load of drugs, or both? He looks beyond sickly at this point. Jeremy Borash is finally not wearing a suit that matches the ring. He does the introductions for everyone. They start with a lock-up. Anderson backs Angle into a corner and gets a clean break. Another lock-up that Anderson turns into a side headlock. Angle gets out and puts on a side headlock of his own. Angle knocks Anderson down off an Irish whip, followed by a hip throw into a side headlock. Anderson throws him off and catches a back elbow off the ropes. In the corner, Anderson lays in some shots. Angle goes for a clothesline, but Anderson reverses into a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Anderson whips Angle into the corner for another 2. Another corner whip, but Angle boots Anderson off and hits a clothesline for a 1-count. Angle goes back to the headlock again. Anderson elbows out, but Angle catches a kitchen sink off the ropes for 2. Back to the headlock. Angle’s been studying Randy Orton tapes, I see. Orton “stole” the Angle Slam, so Angle stole his headlock. They catch each other with a clothesline off the ropes at the same time. The referee is counting both men, but both are up. They trade some shots before Anderson hits a clothesline. Angle reverses a corner whip, but Anderson gets his boot up. Anderson runs into an overhead belly-to-belly suplex for 2. Angle goes for the Angle Slam, but Anderson reverses into the rolling fireman’s carry slam for 2. Anderson goes for the Mic Check, but Angle reverses into the dead guy German suplexes for 2. Angle throws the straps down, showing us his bird chest. Angle gets Anderson in the ankle lock, but Anderson reverses into a pin for 2. Anderson hits the Mic Check for 2. Both men are back up, but the ref gets a standing bump, allowing Angle to hit Anderson in the nuts. Angle hits the Angle Slam, and as the ref goes to count, Sting pulls him out to explain what happened. Angle turns around into another Mic Check. The ref begins to count, but Gunner runs in to cause the DQ.

WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Mr. Anderson. The rest of the H.O.G.s run and beat up Anderson and Sting. Jeff Jarrett looks exceptionally toolbox-y here tonight.

Based on this Domino’s commercial, I don’t ever want Jess touching a single pizza I order. No one should ever, ever be that excited to work for Domino’s.

Back from the commercial, we get a replay of what we just saw a few minutes ago.

In a locker room, Immortal is celebrating. Eric Bischoff tells them all to take it outside, as he has a call to make. Bischoff gets back on the phone, and seems to be mad about something.

MATCH 4: Angelina Love and Winter vs. Knockouts Champion Mickie James and Velvet Sky
My dog has a chew toy that kind of looks like Angelina Love, only it’s made of rope rather than silicone. Have I mentioned Winter and Mickie have two of the worst entrance themes ever? I’d still like to know why Taz compares Sky’s nether regions to a pigeon hut. Sky and Winter start off. James immediately tags in. So does Love. Man, this is an exciting match! Love backs James into a corner then throws her. They trade some shots. James hits an elbow off a corner charge, followed by the Tunacanrana. James gets a snapmare and tags in Sky. She hits a low dropkick for 2. Love with a jawbreaker, and now Winter’s in. She throws Sky into a couple of corners, but Sky reverses and hits a corner whip by an awful monkey flip. She drops Winter and Love with a headscissors hip throw combo. Love trips Sky from the outside. Winter throws her into a corner and then goads James, leading to a double-team behind the ref’s back. Sky elbows her way out, but can’t make it to her corner. Winter with a northern lights suplex for 2. Love tags in and gets a stomp. James comes in and whiffs a kick big time. Sky hits Love with a horrible-looking bulldog variation. Love tags Winter in and Sky tags in James. James hits the top rope Thesz Press on Winter, followed by some sloppy forearms and a neckbreaker for 2 before Love breaks it up. Sky is stomping Love in the corner now as Winter has James in another corner. Sky and James reverse a pair of corner whips into clotheslines. Sky spears Love. Behind the ref’s back, Winter spits corn syrup in James’ face and gets the 3.

WINNERS: Angelina Love and Winter. Remember when TNA had one of the best women’s divisions in the world? Yeah, neither does TNA.

Austin Aries makes his way down to the ring. Mike Tenay gives him the oh-so-clever nickname of “Mr. Win At All Costs”. Aries tells the crowd to “shhh”. He calls himself Eric Bischoff’s favorite X-division wrestler, and the next champion. He calls Brian Kendrick a strange little man and a big hypocrite. Kendrick’s actions have been the opposite of what he’s been preaching. He says Kendrick can’t stand that he has the spotlight and is the brightest shining star in the company. He challenges Kendrick to face him man-to-man right now.

Kendrick walks down to the ring in a suit and carrying a briefcase. Aries laughs at him. Kendrick says he understands why Aries is ridiculing him, as he’s been ridiculed for various reasons all his life. Today, he’s trying to annunciate and dress for success. His words. He says the definition of success is he who dies with the most toys wins. He tells us he’s been getting a lot of compliments on his suit today. Kendrick isn’t sure about this version of himself, and neither is the crowd. Kendrick says he hates “this guy”, throws his briefcase on the ground and begins taking his suit off as he continues to ramble on about whatever. He says life is suffering, and suffering stems from desire. He says the “god voice” inside him is stronger than any fear in existence. Aries says the belt belongs to him and Kendrick is disrespecting. Aries then makes a gay joke about testicles before calling Kendrick a fraud and that he’s afraid of Aries. Kendrick begins decking Aries. He tries for Sliced Bread #2, but Aries slides out of the ring and runs to the back.

Backstage, Bischoff looks pissed on his couch. Hogan comes in, thinking it’s 1984 as he flexes and rambles on in his Hogan-esque way about I don’t even know what. Bischoff says that they pissed off “The Network”, and because of what Bischoff and Hogan have said and done, we get a 3-way at No Surrender between Angle, Sting and Anderson for the title. Hogan says they can’t do this. Bischoff says it’s done. Hogan says he runs the company and is in control, not them. Hogan says it can’t get any worse as he shakes his head.

Up next, the 4-Corners Match.

We see Jeff Hardy wandering around backstage.

MATCH 5-4-Corners Match: Bully Ray vs. Gunner vs. Bobby Roode vs. James Storm
Christy Hemme announces this as a “4-Corners Tornado Match”. I’m going to assume that means all four guys are in the ring at once. Nice of them to tell us of this added stipulation just moments before the match starts. On a side note, I’ve seen indy rings bigger than TNA’s. Just saying. Not sure why they didn’t just make this a tag team match, since you know neither team will attack each other. Samoa Joe begins to walk down to the ring, but Matt Morgan attacks him from behind. Security is on these guys as the match has started. Ray is paired off with Roode while Gunner is with Storm. Storm with some punches and a forearm off the ropes. Ray hits him with a forearm, followed by some punches in the corner. Roode hits Ray with punches. Beer Money with a double back elbow on Ray and a double clothesline on Gunner. Gunner hits Roode with a clothesline for 2. Ray gets mad and says he’s supposed to win. Gunner knocks Roode down with another clothesline before throwing him into Ray for another clothesline. Best. Match. Ever. Gunner with some shots in the corner, but Roode counters as Storm hits a top rope cross body on Ray for 2. Storm with a clothesline and a neckbreaker on Gunner for 2. Ray hits a big boot on Storm before getting rolled up for 2 by Roode. Roode with a boot out of the corner and a middle rope blockbuster. Spinebuster on Gunner for 2, but Ray breaks it up. Roode throws him out before a double team suplex with Storm on Gunner. Ray back in with a double clothesline, followed by a uranage on Storm for 2. He hits Roode with the Bully Bomb, but turns around into a running knee by Gunner for 3.

WINNER: Gunner. Does anyone else think Gunner looks like the kind of guy who drives around in a white panel van with “Candy & Naps” painted on the side?

We see more of Jeff Hardy walking around backstage. Man, has his return been exciting!

Not sure if I want to see “Contagion” or not.

Wow. I just realized there’s only about 3 minutes left on this show. Guess Jeff Hardy’s not going to get that much time the luck. In the words of the Huntsman, “Darn the luck! Darn!” Seriously though, I have a feeling this show is going to go long because of this stupid Jeff Hardy crap.

Next week, we get Ric Flair and Sting one more time. I, for one, am just ecstatic.

Back from commercial, and Jeff Hardy is making his way to the ring. He looks either stoned or depressed. I suppose it could be both. Look who we’re talking about here, after all. Hardy thanks the crowd for their applause, saying he doesn’t deserve. For once, he’s right. He thanks “The Network” for letting him come out here. He says the last time he was here, he was pathetic and messed up. He talks about the infamous 82-second match with Sting at Victory Road, and says he let everyone down. He got here today, and the stress was overwhelming. He almost felt hated. He says there’s a ton of people mad at him in the back, and they have every right to be. He hit rock bottom at Victory Road. Jeff says he can’t expect everyone to forgive him and give him another chance. Great! So get the hell off my TV. He then asks for one more shot. The crowd starts a “One more shot” chant. Remind me to never go to Huntsville. Jeff says all he can do is ask, then drops the microphone.

End of show.

So…that’s what TNA hyped for a week, an apologetic Jeff Hardy, pretending to try and hold back tears? That’s just great.

Honestly, nothing good on this week’s show. The matches sucked, and the promos were worse. Normally, you can get at least a good X-division match on Impact, but not even that this time.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 09-01-11 – Sting Challenges Kurt Angle

September 02, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Sting vs Kurt AngleAnd we’re back for another edition of Impact Wrestling for 9/1/11. Tonight, TNA goes out of the comfort of the Impact Zone and will be taping (known as “going live” in Dixie Carter’s world) tonight’s show in Huntsville, Alabama. Next week’s show will be “live” from there, too. Before we get into the recap, there are two things I’d like to address.

The first of the two subjects is Hulk Hogan’s recent comments during an interview with website GoTriad.com. For those that don’t know, Hogan was interviewed by the site recently, specifically discussing TNA. When discussing why TNA is an alternative to WWE, Hogan had the following remarks:

“We’ve got a lot of young guys who are pushing hard,” he said. “And we’re trying to take our own course of destiny and make wrestling matter again. We’re not really focused on skits and entertainment and backstage antics. We’re more focused on keeping the action as much as we can in the ring.”

This immediately begs the question ‘Does Hogan even watch the show he stars on?’ For starters, he talks about all the young guys pushing hard to get noticed. That’s true, but a lot of fat good it does them when the top three stars on the show-Hogan, Sting and Flair-are all well over 50 years old. In Flair’s case, he’s over 60! Second, Hogan says that TNA is not focused on skits and entertainment and backstage antics, and keeping focus on actual wrestling instead. As an example, let’s take a look at last week’s show. I went through and looked at each segment (because I have that kind of time), and the show broke down as follows: 3 long-winded in-ring promos, 10 backstage segments, 1 skit and 5 matches. To top that off, those 5 matches took up roughly 30 minutes of a 2-hour show. And this is just one example. Look at any other episode of Impact over the last 2 or 3 years (if not further back), and you’ll wind up with similar results. Well, at least Hogan’s definitely got the “not focused on entertainment” part right.

The second issue I want to mention real quick is the Matt Hardy situation. For those that don’t know, Matt posted a YouTube video that basically seemed like a suicide note. This resulted in fans calling the cops to head over to sister-in-law Beth’s house to check on him. The result? Not only was Matt fine, but he immediately claimed the video was not a suicide note, but the rebirth of his career. This, despite the fact that everything in the video indicated it was indeed a suicide note. Not only did this piss a lot of fans off, but also pissed of Beth and even best friend Gregory Helms. Even Jim Ross, who normally doesn’t acknowledge stuff like this, called it a very embarrassing publicity stunt.

Honestly, this is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen a wrestler do. It boils down to this-Matt Hardy was bummed because no one was paying attention to him anymore, did this to get people talking, then claimed it wasn’t what everyone thought it was. Twitter user @Evil_Mr_McMahon (check him out, BTW. He posts some really funny stuff) said it best when he posted a picture of a Matt Hardy figure hanging from a noose, holding a sign that said “Am I trending yet?”

Matt, if I had any respect left for you at all, it’s completely gone. You are a worthless piece of garbage. You have have brought pain and suffering to your friends and family, and even the fans who have been following you for years. No one gives a damn about you anymore, and you have no one to blame but yourself. Now, you claim you’ve announced your retirement. Good. Maybe people will stop talking about you and trying to make you relevant.

Speaking of things no one talks about, let’s get into the Impact recap!

Much to the surprise of no one, Hulk Hogan starts the show off. Hogan’s got a new Affliction knock-off t-shirt for Immortal. Am I the only one who has noticed that practically ever t-shirt TNA comes out with is an Affliction knockoff? Hogan says the power of Immortal is running wild tonight, brother. He says he’s been in business meetings all week long, and “The Network” is standing behind the offer Sting made to Ric Flair for a match for September 15th. He reminds us that if Flair wins, Sting retires, but if Sting wins, he gets a match with Hogan and we all die a little inside. Hogan says Sting’s only wanted Hogan in the ring for the past 10 years. He says he can make decisions on the spot like “The Network”, and that it’s time that Immortal stops bowing down to them, and they bow down to him instead. Hogan says Sting will only get Hogan in the ring when Hogan is good and ready.

Battle Dome Champion Kurt Angle makes his way to the ring for whatever reason. I noticed practically the entire upper deck of this arena is tarped off. Angle gets in the ring and hugs Hogan before getting a microphone. Hogan says that, before they get to business tonight, he has some bad news. He’s sorry that Dixie Carter used and manipulated Angle, and that she can never run the company again. I lose track of how many times the word “brother” has been used. Hogan calls Angle “Dr. Angle”, and says he wants Angle to drag Sting to the ring, perform life-saving surgery and cut the cancer that is Sting from the company.

Angle says Hogan’s enemies are now his. He wants to add a veteran to the young talent he wants to cut out of TNA, and wants that to be Sting. Angle says Sting will get his title re-match tonight, and if Angle wins, he guarantees Sting won’t walk out of here under his own power.

Cue Sting’s music. Caesar Romero and Heath Ledger are both rolling over in their graves right now. Sting’s got his own microphone now, too. Hogan says no one wants to see Sting out here. Sting’s honored he’s on Angle’s list of people to destroy, and gives him the “heebie-jeebies”. He says it makes him think Angle likes him a lot. He likes Angle so much, he accepts Angle’s challenge right away. Sting will wrestle Angle tonight. He says it starts with taking the gold from Angle, then it’s on to Ric Flair, then onto Hulkamania. He’s circling Hogan as he says this. Sting says when he signs that contract, Hogan’s power will be gone. That must be some magical contract.

Sting starts to leave, but Hogan stops him. Hogan wants to know who Sting thinks he is. He reminds Sting he calls the shots, and announces he’ll be the special enforcer in the Angle/Sting match tonight. Sting laughs as Hogan tries to act 40 years younger by strutting around the ring.

We get a recap of Samoa Joe beating up Crimson last week. Back “live”, Matt Morgan is at the commentary table again.

We get a recap of the BFG series. Bully Ray, Bobby Roode, James Storm each talk about how they’ll win. Bully Ray is in the lead with 49 points. Crimson, Devon, Matt Morgan and D’Angelo Dinero are all out with injuries, while Samoa Joe has -10 points.

MATCH 1-BFG Series Match: Gunner vs. Rob Van Dam
This match hasn’t even started and Gunner’s already putting me to sleep. Taz says that whoever wins here will be in the final four of the series. Tie-up to start. Gunner elbows out of a waistlock. Samoa Joe makes his way to ringside as RVD hits a spinning heel kick for 2. I don’t know what’s going on in the match because the camera is focused on Joe and Morgan, who has come down to intercept Joe. Joe kicks Morgan below the belt before indy security sends him to the back. Back in the ring, RVD has a side headlock on Gunner. Great camera work here, TNA. Gunner elbows out of a waistlock before RVD hits 2 more spinning heel kicks for 2. RVD gets a shoulder in the corner, but Gunner boots off a charge. Outside the ring, Gunner hits a bodyslam on the floor. Back in the ring, Gunner gets 2 as “security” is still trying to get rid of Joe. Gunner with some shots before hitting an atrocious slingshot suplex. He misses a clothesline and walks into a superkick. RVD gets 2 of a couple of clotheslines. RVD with a bodyslam and Rolling Thunder for 2. RVD goes for a corner whip and gets an elbow off a reversal, but runs right into a clothesline for 2. Now Jerry Lynn is walking down to the ring. RVD hits another pair of kicks before exiting the ring and telling Lynn to get out of here. Lynn storms off angry. Back in the ring, RVD goes for the Five-Star, but changes his mind. Gunner gets a small package for 2. RVD with a body scissors for 2. Gunner with some shots now. RVD catches a kick in the corner before botching a top rope side kick that gets 2. RVD with a another spin kick variation for 2. He goes up top for the Five-Star, but Gunner’s holding the ref. Behind the ref’s back, Lynn comes back down and shoves RVD off the top rope. Gunner hits a running knee to get 3.

WINNER: Gunner. Gunner gets 7 more points. RVD has a goose egg on his head.

Later tonight, A.J. Styles will face Christopher Daniels, and we get the World title match.

The entire knockouts division is heading to the ring. Supposedly, Eric Bischoff has a big announcement concerning all of them. Commercials.

Back from the break, Bisch is coming down with Scarecrow from “Batman: The Animated Series”. Hmmm? That’s Traci Brooks? Oh. That would explain Ebenezer’s boobs being much bigger than I remember. Bischoff says he’s never had the pleasure of working with such a tremendous group of individuals. I’m guessing he means the knockouts. He calls the knockouts the heart and soul of the company, and one of the keys to success for TNA. However, this doesn’t change the fact they’re still women, and as women, they don’t know how to shut up or keep focus. He says all the female crap is driving him up a wall, which is why when Traci convinced him only a woman knows how to manage another woman and provide leadership to the division, and after Traci proved she would do anything to help the division, he said what the hell. He then announces the next V.P. of the knockouts division (he sends Traci to a corner), then announces Karen Jarrett as the new V.P. Oddly enough, Karen Jarrett comes out to Traci’s old entrance music, with Jeff Jarrett’s music spliced in.Jeff comes out with her. What is with this company and horse-faced broads?

Karen assures Eric he’s made the right decision, and that she’s proud of every woman in the division, but they all have a long way to go. She says the difference between them and her is she’s a lady, and the rest of them are not. My ears are bleeding. The crowd starts a “She’s a ho” chant. Karen says she’ll take care of her first piece of business now, addressing ODB and Jackie. She announces they’re full-time members of the roster now. She then addresses Traci. She says she knows Traci is disappointed, as she REALLY put herself out there on this one, but there’s still a place for her in TNA, and that’s beneath Karen. So…Karen’s a lesbian now? Oh. She wants Traci to be her executive assistant. Got it. She wants Traci to bow at her feet. As for the rest of the knockouts, if they look at her the wrong way, they’ll all be back at Larry’s Cabaret where they belong. Her voice cracked like a teenager during this promo. My ears bled even more. She says she looks forward to all the knockouts serving her. Me, too. I go to that same Village Inn all the time.

During the last commercial break, Mickie James knocked Winter down in the ring. It was amazing. No, really. Groundbreaking stuff.

MATCH 2: Austin Aries and Kid Kash vs. World X-Division Champion Brian Kendrick and Jesse Sorensen
Kendrick’s new music is horrible, and the nickname “The Wizard of Odd” will never get over, Tenay. Kendrick and Aries start off. Aries immediately tags in Kash. Kash goes for the legs, but Kendrick’s too quick. Tie-up, but Kash throws him down. Kendrick with an arm drag, a hip toss and another arm drag. Sorensen tags in and hits a dropkick and an arm drag. Kash with some knees in the ropes. Tenay tries to say that there is nothing like the X-division in all of wrestling, except for, you know, the fact that it’s a glorified cruiserweight division now and those exist all over the world. Kash tags in Aries before hitting a bodyslam. Aries with a jumping elbow for 2, followed by a face stomp. He throws Sorensen into Kash’s boot before hitting a chop. Kash back in with some more chops and kicks. Aries back with more chops. Sorensen punches his way out of the corner. He shoves Aries into Kash before hitting a double dropkick to both men. Sorensen tags in Kendrick. Typical “hot tag” offense here. He gets 2 on Kash after a leg lariat, but Aries breaks it up. More kicks. Kendrick tags in Sorensen, and they are going for some type of Doomsday Device-like move, but Aries slides off Kendrick’s shoulders and shoves him into Sorensen in the corner. Aries up to the middle rope, looking for a superplex. Kendrick climbs up and gets under Aries’ legs. Kash gets into the corner under Kendrick in powerbomb position. I’m sure you can guess what this leads to. Yes, the stupid “Tower of Doom” spot, except it looks pretty heavily botched. Sorensen back drops Kash over the top rope, but Aries trips him up on a run attempt, pulling him to the outside and into the guardrail. Aries with a suicide dive, but Kendrick hits his own. They’re brawling to the back. Kash up top with a flying clothesline. He hits a release rotating suplex and then goes for a powerbomb, but Sorensen rolls through into a sunset flip for 3.

WINNERS: Brian Kendrick and Jesse Sorensen.

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We get an awful video package of the relationship between Winter and Angelina Love. Seeing these two broads try to act is like having a root canal.

Backstage, Angelina Love is stroking her leg. Winter says there have been so many incarnations before this, some she has shared with her “beautiful baby”. She says there will be more to come, but this one is the most precious to her. She says if Mickie James tries to take the moment away from her, she will suck the life force from her rotting bones. Then they drink fake blood. Has Dixie Carter been playing a lot of D&D lately or something? Perhaps she’s just become obsessed with “Twilight”.

Mickie James says she’s tired of all of this with Winter, and tonight, she’ll wrestle her ass off and Winter needs to bring her A-game. It doesn’t really matter, as Winter’s A-game is a level Z-game for most wrestlers.

Back from commercial, we get a bunch of wrestlers talking about Jeff Hardy in a video package. Jeff Hardy speaks “live” next week. Wonderful.

Backstage, Kurt Angle says he’ll eliminate Sting before he eliminates the other wrestlers. Hogan walks into the locker room and says that Angle needs to go to New York and take “The Network” out since they’ve approved of Jeff Hardy coming back next week. He wants Kurt Angle to kill “The Network”. Angle couldn’t have said “all right” any more casually. He very angrily slams his paper coffee cup on the floor. It’s all the cup’s fault!

We get a bunch of crowd shots as Mike Tenay is rambling on about Jeff Hardy.

MATCH 3-Knockouts Championship: Mickie James vs. Knockouts Champion Winter (w/Angelina Love)
Mickie James’ singing voice sounds a hell of a lot like a dying burro. What prison does Angelina Love go to for her tattoo work, anyway? James attacks Winter in the corner. They tie up. James with a snapmare. They trade wristlocks. James with a la magistral for 2. James is working the left arm. Winter bites her way out into an arm wringer. James fights out and hits some forearms and a dragon screw. James goes for a leglock, but can’t seem to figure out how to put it on as Winter immediately gets to the ropes. Winter backs James into a corner with some shoulder thrusts. James comes back with the Taco Twister and a neckbreaker. James up top while Winter has the ref distracted. Love tries to get on the apron, but James knocks her off and hits a Thesz Press from the top on Winter. Love is back up, but James knocks her back down. Love tries to throw the Knockouts belt into the ring, but Earl Hebner catches it and throws it right at Love’s stupid face. Okay, he actually just threw it to the corner like a piece of trash. Winter hits some forearms as Hebner sends Love to the locker room. Winter with some knees to the back. She goes for a double chicken wing, but James fights out. Winter hits her back down. James trips her up and goes for the leglock she forgot how to do earlier. She momentarily forgets again before going for a sloppy half Boston Crab. Winter gets to the ropes, but James slingshots her off. James with some clotheslines and a flapjack. James goes for the standing tornado DDT, but Winter casually pushes her off. They simultaneously facebust each other. Winter goes for her swinging side slam, but James slides out into a roll-up for 2. Winter reverses into a roll-up for 2. James hits the standing tornado DDT, but Winter gets her foot in the ropes. Winter hits a step-up enziguri for 2. Winter takes her wrist band off and looks to choke James with it, but Hebner gets it away. James hits the Mick Kick to win the match and the title.

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WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: Mickie James. Mickie James pretends to cry after the match. So much for Mickie James never taking that moment away from her.

We get a highlight package of the relationship between A.J. Styles and Christopher Daniels.

Matt Morgan is coming back out to the ring. He randomly takes his shirt off as he makes his way ringside. He says that we’ve had to see Samoa Joe put out half the roster with injuries over the past few weeks, and trying to take on “The Blueprint” is suicidal. He wants Joe to face him man-to-man for an “Alabama ass whipping”. He wants Joe’s “fat, dumpy ass” right now. Here comes Joe’s fat, dumpy ass. He’s staring at Morgan in the ring. He throws the ref to the guardrail before climbing in the ring. Joe and Morgan brawl. You can tell this is just a brawl because they’re wearing street clothes. This only happens in nonsense brawls or street fights, you know. Joe picks Morgan up on his shoulder, but Morgan fights out with some punches and a discuss clothesline. Matt’s selling his chest injury. He hits the barking back elbow thing in the corner and a running hip bump. These are the exact kinds of things I do when I get into fights, too. Joe slides out to the floor and pulls Morgan down with him. More brawling. Morgan throws Joe into the ring post before hitting some punches. Joe’s trying to grow a faux hawk. Morgan goes for the Carbon Footprint, but referee Jackson James (aka Bischoff’s kid) jumps in front of him. Morgan picks him up and throws him, but Joe kicks Morgan in the testes again. Joe gets a chair and hits Morgan over the back. Morgan can’t decide whether to sell the nut shot or the chair shot. Morgan climbs up the ring post, where Joe hits him with a chair again, this time on the arm. He goes for another chair shot, but the Hebners come out to squash that, because two undersized referees are far too terrifying for a fat Samoan with a chair. Joe rambles nonsensically to the camera.

Considering there’s only about a half an hour of show left, expect the Styles/Daniels and Angle/Sting matches to be incredibly short.

We see Rob Terry working out in a gym before Robbie E comes in, pretending to lift weights. He asks Terry again if he’d like to be Robbie E’s bodyguard before we hear someone yelling. It’s Eric Young as he nonsensically lifts one of the gym benches in his underwear. Glad to see he’s doing stuff like this, which is very important, and not at all defending the TV title he won a few months ago, which is completely meaningless. Although, to be fair, the TV IS pretty meaningless, so I guess it all works out. Eric Young calls Robbie E “Johnny D”, then challenges him to a TV title match next week. Robbie E accepts. Robbie E says that, when people hang with him, big things happen. Rob Terry goes back to alternating bicep curls. Good to know that, in TNA, you don’t have to do a damn thing or beat anyone to qualify for title matches. As long as you are a parody of Dixie Carter’s favorite show, you’ll have a job in TNA forever. Just ask Cookie! Oh, wait…maybe it’s only if you’re a man.

Backstage, Styles and Daniels are talking about their match. Styles says he’s coming at Daniels, and Daniels says he wouldn’t want it any other way. Styles says it’s no problem, but this is the last time they’re wrestling. Styles asks Daniels if he knows who’s coming back. Daniels very astutely responds with “Again?” Styles responds even more astutely with “And again, and again. I guess life’s full of third and fourth chances.” God, even the TNA wrestlers are making fun of Jeff Hardy coming back. Ditsy Carter still must’ve not gotten that memo. I hear she’s also been having problems with her TPS reports.

Backstage, Hogan is yelling to the Goblins about Jeff Hardy. Then he turns to Sting. There’s seven of them and only one of him, and with him as special enforcer tonight, he feeds off their energy. They need to keep their eyes and ears open because they could be needed at any moment. He says this is “one more mountain we need to mow down”. Since when does anyone mow mountains? They all shake hands as Abyss looks on in the background. I guess he’s the loser of the group. Every group has one person they make fun of. Like us with Elaine.

MATCH 4: Christopher Daniels vs. A.J. Styles
Normally, a match between two of my favorite wrestlers would be something I’d greatly enjoy. However, they’ve maybe got 10 minutes here, maybe, which just isn’t enough time for these two to show off their talents. They shake hands to start the match before tying up. They do a quick exchange and Styles gets a 1-count off a school boy. Daniels is frustrated already. Daniels with a side headlock. Styles tries to throw him off, but Daniels holds on. Shoulder block by Daniels and a roll-up variation for 2. Styles hits a nice dropkick. Daniels backs Styles into the corner and goes back to the headlock. Styles throws him off and catches a bodyslam followed by the jumping knee for 2. Mike Tenay says that, after the show, it’s the “world series of beer pong”. Apparently, Spike TV will show any crap that someone is willing to film. Styles slams Daniels head-first into the corner, then gets a few shots in. Styles hits a delayed vertical suplex for 1. Daniels reverses an Irish whip and hits a jumping side kick, sending Styles to the floor. Daniels tries for a dive but misses. Styles gets to the apron and hits a hurricanrana to the floor. Back in, Styles gets 2 before going for the inverted STF variation. Daniels gets to the ropes. Daniels gets some gut shots in, but walks right into a backbreaker/rib breaker combo for 2. Styles hits a corner whip and a jumping corner clothesline. Daniels lands on his feet out of a suplex, and Styles runs right into a boot in the corner. Daniels hits a quick STO. Daniels with several shots and a step-up enziguri, but Styles comes back with a Superman for 2. Daniels hits some palm strikes to the chest before they trade chops. Styles hits a Pele, sending Daniels to the corner. Styles charges in, but Daniels catches a kick to the head. Styles goes for the Lionsault into the inverted DDT, but Daniels holds onto the ropes and hits a split-legged moonsault. Styles back up with a powerbomb attempt. Daniels reverses into the Angel’s Wings, but Styles reverses that into a back body drop. Styles trips Daniels up in the corner and goes for Superman again, but botches it and hot shots himself gut-first on the top rope. Daniels immediately pins him.

WINNER: Christopher Daniels. Good match, but the ending was bizarre. Not sure why they’d end a match on a botch like that, intentional or accidental. After the match, Styles offers a handshake, but Daniels blows him off.

Up next, ANOTHER Angle/Sting match. For variety, Hogan will limp around the ring, pretending to be a referee.

MATCH 5-World Championship: Sting vs. World Champion Kurt Angle (special enforcer: Hulk Hogan)
Man, my left middle finger is stiff from getting tattooed today. Just saying. Hulk Hogan gets his own entrance, because why the hell not? He couldn’t even wear the sleeveless referee shirt? That’s lazy. Granted, he’s only the “enforcer”, but come on. Hogan’s arms kind of look like sausages hanging in a deli window. Just saying. Hogan gets his own introduction here, even before the wrestlers. Shows how they rank. Kurt Angle weighs 225, my ass. 190 at best. Tie-up to start. Sting gets the side headlock. Angle backs him into the corner. Another tie-up, another headlock by Sting. Shoulder block off the ropes by Sting. Sting reverses a hip toss into one of his own, followed by an arm drag that sends Angle to the floor. Why can’t Taz pronounce “frustrated” properly? Angle back in with some shots, backing Sting into the corner. Sting reverses a corner whip and hits a clothesline, sending Kurt back out. Sting follows and slams Angle into the guardrail and the steps. I just noticed the back of Hogan’s shirt says “I Am That I Am”. What the hell does that mean? Back in the ring, Angle tries to climb to the middle turnbuckle as Sting hits a Stinger Splash. Angle holds on and turns it into an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Angle with a front facelock now. Taz mentions that Angle is training for the Olympics still, and says he’s in the best shape he’s ever seen Angle in. Not even close, on both accounts. Sting fights out, but Angle gets a sleeper. Sting turns the sleeper into a back suplex. Angle runs into a back elbow and a pair of clotheslines. Angle elbows out of the corner, but Sting kicks him in the stomach and hits a DDT. Sting misses a clothesline, and Angle turns it into the triple German suplexes he learned from that dead guy for 2. Angle goes for the Angle Slam, but Sting counters into the Scorpion Death Drop for 2. Sting’s going for the Scorpion Death Lock, but Angle turns it into the ankle lock. Sting rolls through and kicks him off. Angle misses a shoulder charge in the corner. Sting goes for the Death Drop again, but Angle throws him off and hits the Angle Slam for 2. Sting hits a clothesline off a corner charge and goes for the Death Lock again. Sting gets it on this time, but he’s not sitting down far enough. Hogan gets on the apron as Gunner runs down to the ring with a chair. He goes for a head shot, but referee Brian Hebner gets the chair away from him. Sting back drops Gunner as Hogan gets in the ring. Angle is tapping behind the ref’s back as Hogan hits Sting in the chest with a chair. Sting no-sells it, but then gets Angle Slammed onto the chair for the 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Kurt Angle. After the match, Sting knocks Angle back out of the ring with some punches, then turns around to Hogan. Hogan tries for a handshake, but the rest of the H.O.G.s run and attack Sting with the chair. Mr. Anderson runs into the ring with a baseball bat and wipes everyone except Blubber Ray out. Ray runs away. Hey, remember when Sting and Anderson were feuding? Neither does anyone at TNA.

End of show.

The sub-main event was good, but short (as I predicted). And, as I said, the ending was just strange. As for the main event, I felt like I had seen the match before. Probably because I have seen it every single time Sting and Angle wrestle. Probably.

TNA Impact Wrestling September 1, 2011 Results…
Gunner defeated Rob Van Dam in a Bound for Glory match
Brian Kendrick and Jesse Sorrensen beat Kid Kash and Austin Arie
Mickie James defeated Winter to become TNA Knockouts champion
Christopher Daniels defeated AJ Styles
Kurt Angle defeated Sting

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Gerri Davis Banner, NPC National Level Heavyweight and Masters Female Bodybuilder

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 08-11-11 – Hardcore Justice Fallout

August 11, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Kurt AngleWelcome back to the Impact Wrestling recap for the 8-11-11 TNA Impact Wrestling edition. The show starts off with a recap of Hardcore Justice’s main event which seemingly saw yet another pointless heel turn, this time in Kurt Angle.

Starting off the actual show is the H.O.G.s. Steiner has a new t-shirt on, and dear lord, does it look stupid. Blubber Ray has a “Vince Neil Ink” shirt on. As cool as it sounds. Ray tells Abyss he’s turning into a major disappointment, talking about how A.J. Styles pinned him in the 6-man at the PPV. He tells Abyss he’s on thin ice with Bischoff. Blubber Ray says that there will be a 4-way BFG series match tonight, Ray vs. Steiner vs. Gunner vs. Crimson. He says Crimson’s undefeated streak will end and he’ll get the pinfall. Then the conversation turns to Mr. Anderson. Blubber says it blows his mind that fans like Anderson.

Blows my mind, too, as there’s nothing good about Anderson at all. Ray talks about the match they had at the PPV, saying that Anderson kept coming back after everything Blubber threw at him. Blubber says he underestimated Anderson’s toughness, calls him a tough S.O.B. (what does ‘Save Our Bluths’ have to do with this?) and that he belongs in Immortal, and that the issues between Ray and Anderson are over as far as Ray is concerned. Ray calls himself a better wrestler than Anderson, but that he’s still tough. He offers a handshake to Kenny, who begins laughing at Ray. Anderson won’t shake his hand, and instead chooses to look like a cow chewing a cud. Ray calls Anderson a stupid sonofabitch and a moron for not taking him seriously. Anderson begins to lay in some punches on every member of the H.O.G.s until Abyss clubbers him from behind. Ray’s got the chain wrapped around his hand, and he hits Anderson in the face with it. Anderson is very obviously gigging right now. Steiner calls him a “subab*tch” and punches him, then chokes him with a chair. The security indy wrestlers try to break the fight up, but no luck. Steiner goes back to the choking game. D-Lo Brown, Al Snow and Pat Kenney run in to try and stop the beating, leading to the indy wrestler paramedics to come out and haul Anderson away on a stretcher. Seriously? They are acting like Anderson’s bleeding like a stuck pig, and he has just the tiniest of cuts on his head that has just a tiny trickle of blood coming down.

Back from commercial, and they show Anderson tied to a stretcher with a neck brace on, getting loaded into a meat wagon. Laying it on way too thick here.

In Bischoff’s office, he says to Immortal that he made a mistake and that Anderson was a huge mistake, and that he won’t make that kind of a mistake again. He says both Angle and Hogan are on their way to the “arena”. He then says that he and Abyss need to talk.

MATCH 1-#1 Contenders Match for the Knockouts Title: Madison Rayne vs. Mickie James
Look! It’s my soul mate! Although I’m having a hard time telling which is which here. Like when good Kirk meets bad Kirk, although I’m not sure which is which. I think Rayne is the one wearing camouflage, but it’s hard to see her with the outfit on. Ha! I kill me. Mickie starts with a roll-up as Rayne gets her hair caught in her tiara. She throws her bracelet at James before an eye rake and a kick for 2. Rayne’s grinding Mickie’s face into the mat now, and now goes for what I call the “Taco Twister” before James reverses out into a roll-up for 2. She gets some shots in and a dropkick that featured a pointless spin for 2. Rayne reverses an Irish whip with an elbow, but runs into a flapjack. James up top and gets the Thesz press. She puts Rayne’s tiara on on for some reason. This leads to the standing tornado DDT, and this one’s over.

WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: Mickie James. Meh. Is it just me, or has Mickie James gotten really sloppy in the ring since joining TNA? Oh, and on a side note, James has raised over $9,000 from fans to pay for a new country album. For one, why are fans paying to have the album made when they will have to pay again once it’s released? For another, who in the hell thought Mickie James should have a second album? Have you heard her voice? I’d rather drill screws into my toes than listen to that.

Kurt Endgame has just shown up to the Impact Zone. Thanks for showing up to work on time, Kurt!

In the ring is Robbie E along with the best thing in TNA, Cookie. Austin Aries is at the commentator’s table for the next match.

MATCH 2: Robbie E (w/Cookie) vs. World X-Division Champion Brian Kendrick (non-title)
While I applaud Kendrick getting new music, that didn’t mean he needed to trade in his normal gear for Hammer pants. Robbie starts off with some stomps. His hair is retarded, even for a “Jersey Shore” parody. Kendrick answers back with forearms, but Robbie continues to lay in shots. Robbie with a chinlock now, but Kendrick fights out of it. He starts to run, but takes a back elbow. Kendrick rolls to the outside and gets a foot choke from Cookie. Now Robbie E and Cookie are fighting for some reason. Kendrick continues to fight back, but with no luck. Robbie goes for a suplex, but Kendrick fights out with forearm shots. He hits a flying forearm and jumping side kick. Kendrick goes for Sliced Bread #2, but Robbie throws him off. Cookie tries to spray Kendrick in the eyes, but he ducks and Robbie takes the spray. Kendrick hits Sliced Bread #2 and gets the win.

WINNER: Brian Kendrick. One of the worst X-Division performances I’ve seen in a long time, unless you truly love watching forearm shots, as this match was loaded with them. Cookie looked damn good, though.

Backstage, Pope and Devon are in the back talking. Devon gives Pope props for winning on Sunday, and he didn’t want to take the BFG points the way Pope wanted him to, which is why he slapped him around. Devon says they are in a tag team match for more points tonight, and that he needs those points. Pope says no problem, but Devon has trust issues.

In the parking lot, Mr. and Mrs. Diet Shasta Orange once again offend an entire country, this time pretending to be Mexican by wearing traditional Spanish garb.

Backstage (WRESTLING….MATTERS!!!!!!), Cookie and Robbie E are getting into a fight. Robbie says he’s had enough and storms off. Cookie says “Peace out, douchebag!”

We then get a recap of the BFG series matches at Hardcore Justice, where D’Angelo Dinero and Crimson earned 7 points a piece in their respective matches. Crimson’s in first place with 43 points with James Storm in 2nd with 33.

MATCH 2-BFG Series 3-Way Tag Team Match: Devon and D’Angelo Dinero vs. World Tag Team Champions Beer Money Inc. (Bobby Roode and James Storm) vs. A.J. Styles and RobVan Dam
Once again, only the guy getting the winning fall gets any points here. Why even do these tag matches then? RVD has his left hand taped up pretty heavily. Christopher Daniels has joined in on commentary. Commercial.

Pope and RVD start. They trade basic moves and RVD gets a 2-count off a body scissors before locking in an arm drag. Styles tags in and bodyslams Pope before hitting the jumping knee for 2. Styles drops some elbows for another 2. Pope hits some shots and Storm gets in a blind tag on Styles. They hit a version of the Hart Attack on Pope. Pope with a back elbow and he tags in Devon. Pope gets a jumping clothesline for Devon to score a 2. Storm boots out of the corner and hits a middle rope European uppercut. Storm tags Roode in while Devon tags in Pope. Roode with a flying forearm and a corner clothesline. Pope boots out of another corner charge, but runs right into a spinebuster. The pin gets broken up by RVD. Storm kicks RVD in the back of the head, and Roode gets a nice DDT in on RVD. Styles with the Superman on Roode. Devon comes in and gives Styles a chokeslam and clears everyone else out. Pope holds Roode for Devon, but Devon misses with a middle rope shoulder block, hitting Pope instead. Storm takes Devon out and Roode hits the payoff on Pope for the 3.

WINNER: Bobby Roode, who scores 7 points and takes 2nd place with 35 points. You want to talk about a clusterf***, this match was it. Matches less than five minutes long should not feature so many wrestlers. Oh, and Christopher Daniels didn’t say word number one during commentary. What the hell was the point of him being there, then?

Up next, Battle Dome Champion Kurt Angle will explain his actions.

Anyone else find it funny that John Cena’s cousin sings Kurt Angle’s Don Henley ripoff entrance theme? Angle’s out with a chair. I’m sure he will just be using it to sit on. I’m sure of it. He thanks everyone for asking him “Why, Kurt, why?” He says he’s truth, justice and the American way, and that’s who he stands for. He has respect for everyone, but anyone who doesn’t respect him in return has a problem. He apologizes to Sting for what he did at the PPV, and that Sting was in the wrong place in the wrong time. Angle says this isn’t about him joining the dark side, but getting his integrity back. That ship has long sailed, Kurt. Apparently, he’s been talking to someone who is close to Karen and Jeff Jarrett who says that all wrestlers are scumbags. He says it wasn’t a wrestler or his ex-wife. Angle says another person was supposed to be looking out for Angle, and the person is Dixie Carter. He says he told Dixie all about Jeff and Karen, and she called him paranoid. Angle says that, to avoid a PR disaster, he took the high road, and Dixie stabbed him in the back, and he needed to eliminate her right hand man, Sting. Angle says he’s going to take all of the young talent in TNA and hurt all of them and send them all home until he’s the only one left, and that as long as he’s in the company, Ditsy will never get her company back. Let’s make sure we keep him around until she’s dead, then.

As Angle’s walking to the back, Sting comes up on Angle’s lift on the stage. He has a bat, which he smacks into Angle’s chair several times until Angle drops it. Hogan comes out with a chair of his own and hits Sting across the back. Hope he didn’t break his hip again on that shot. Angle gets a mic and tells Sting that he’s Angle’s informant, and that payback for Sting and Ditsy.

I had a little trouble with my DVR at this point, so I may have missed something oh so thrilling.

When it comes back, we are about to start a match.

MATCH 3-Jackie and ODB vs. Knockouts Tag Team Champions Miss Tessmacher and Tara (non-title)
Why? We couldn’t possibly get another X-Division match instead of this crap? Ugh. Tessy and Jackie start off. This should be stunning. Tessy starts off with a side headlock. She runs into a shoulder , but hits a dropkick, a hip toss and drop toe hold before getting in a front chancery. Tara tags in and gets a sunset flip for 2. Tara with an arm wringer now. She throws Jackie into her corner, where ODB tags in. Tara with another arm wringer, and she tags in Tessy. ODB with forearms. Tessy reverses a corner whip and does a stinkface, which pisses ODB off. Tessy gets a small package for 2, but eats a clothesline in retaliation. I swear the small package is Tessy’s finisher. Both women tag out, and Tara hits a version of the halo for 2. Jackie boots Tara in the stomach and hits a snap suplex for 2. Jackie throws Tara into her corner and tags in ODB. ODB throws Tara into the corner and hits a couple shoulderblocks to the midsection. She catches Tara in a fall-away slam. ODB climbs to the top, but Tara trips her up and lands a superplex. Both women tag out, and Tessy hits some clothesline on Jackie before whipping her down by the hair.After a miscommunication, Tessy rolls up Jackie with a school boy and gets the 3.

WINNERS: Miss Tessmacher and Tara. This was an even worse clusterf*** than the BFG match. Just rubbish. Is that the theme for tonight?

Up next, we get some kind of “Mexican Endorsement” from the Jarretts. L. Ron Hubbard knows what the hell this is about.

Backstage (WRESTLING…ah, forget it. It really doesn’t matter here), a line of X-Division wrestlers (and some random blonde guy in aviators) are apparently waiting outside Bischoff’s office.

I hate you, Don West. I absolutely hate you.

In Bischoff’s office, he has all of the X-Division wrestlers (and the random blonde guy) in his office. He says that, due to the performances everyone put in at Destination X, the X-Division will now have a weight limit of 225 pounds, meaning Abyss can’t wrestle in the division anymore and next week, the other competitors in the division will have a gauntlet match to determine a new #1 contender to the X-Division championship. Austin Aries walks to Bischoff’s desk and says he doesn’t like anyone anymore than Eric does, and that he will be the one to make the division worthwhile. Bischoff kicks everyone out of his office except Abyss and Austin Aries, saying he wants to talk to Austin.

The Jarretts come out with the hideously defaced AAA Mega Championship. They show him defeating fellow TNA wrestler (that has never wrestled in TNA even once) El Zorro to win the belt. Jarrett begins by mispronouncing “Silencio”. He says that, although they have officially been crowned the king and queen of Mexico, that many still aren’t taking them seriously, and that this is all an act. Jarrett says he took down the entire AAA promotion by himself and renamed his championship the “Immortal World Championship”. Apparently, people have been telling Jarrett he doesn’t completely understand Mexican culture and that he needs to be endorsed by the Mexican people. He lists off a bunch of Mexican cities (and some American ones) that he went to and says that he got endorsed by some guys named Jose and Jos B (get it?), the Lopez brothers. Racism=comedy.

The Lopez brothers comes down, looing confused. They look familiar, but I’m not sure exactly who they are. Jarrett tells Jose that he needs to endorse the Jarretts and that they are truly the king and queen of Mexico. Jose doesn’t speak English, so he doesn’t know what’s going on. The Lopez brothers spot Hector Guerrero at the Spanish announce table and begin cheering him. Jose begins spouting off in Spanish. I don’t speak the language, but even I can tell he was just talking about how much he loves the Guerrero family. Jos B does the same thing. Jarrett punches them both and gets in a few more shots. Have I ever told you how Jarrett’s punches, kicks and elbows all look like crap? They do. Anyway, Hector runs down to the ring with a chair and chases the Jarretts off. This segment was offensive in so many ways.

You know, the only good that could come out of this angle would be that it’s an excuse to finally introduce El Zorro to the TNA audience, as he could look for revenge for his people and get his belt back. Of course, this IS TNA, so bet on Jarrett feuding and having a series of matches with Hector Guerrero instead.

Another segment with Eric Young in his car, which leads to him walking down Sunset Boulevard. He buys a star map off a guy with the old TNA World title belt before taking the belt back. He’s apparently looking for Scott Baio. God, this is terrible.

Backstage, Anderson has just come out of an ambulance with a bunch of blood dried to his head. He’s also limping. He then lets himself into Blubber Ray’s trailer. He grabs Ray’s chain wallet, but gets shoved into some lockers from behind by Gunner. Devon pushes the camera away and says “No witnesses”. Despite, you know, us already seeing them attack Anderson. As the camera’s pushed away, we hear him screaming and the sound of belts smacking a wall with the idea that Anderson is being whipped.

MATCH 4-BFG Series 4-Way Match: Crimson vs. Scott Steiner vs. Bully Ray vs. Gunner
Apparently, main events get a sponsor now, as Jeremy “Bloated Ken Doll” Borash says the main event is sponsored by 5-Hour Energy. Great. Now I know who to blame. According to Borash, Steiner is still at the University of Michigan. He still hasn’t graduated yet? Obviously, the story here is that Crimson is basically in a 3-on-1 match. Expect him to win and remain undefeated. There are tag rules here. Crimson and Ray start off. Ray immediately tags in Tom Cruise. He gets in some shots on Lance Sackless before Lance reverses an Irish whip into an elbow. He gets a back body drop in. Crimson with a cravat and a couple of knees gets 2. Back in the corner and Gunner elbows out, followed by a running sloppy clothesline for 2. Gunner hits some elbows before tagging in Blubber Ray. Ray immediately tags in Johnny Bravo. Steiner with a boot and some chops and some punches in the corner. Steiner looks terrible. He lays in some more chops, but Crimson gets a boot and some punches in. Gunner knees Crimson in the back, which leads to an overhead belly-to-belly by Steiner for 2. Steiner with yet more chops and a clothesline before doing the posing elbow and pushups. Why do the refs yell at him for doing this? Matt Morgan’s on commentary, BTW. Steiner with some stomps now, and he tags in Gunner. They do a double suplex which gets Gunner 2. Steiner is staying in the ring as Gunner goes for another pinfall. The ref has yet to get him out of there for some reason. They miss a double clothesline, but Crimson hits one on Steiner. He throws Gunner into Ray and then schoolboys him for 3.

WINNER: Crimson, who gets 7 more points. Kurt Angle charges out from the back and is beating Crimson with a shoe. Yes, a shoe. He throws Crimson back into the ring and is punching him in the head. It almost looks like he’s trying to bust Crimson open hardway. He takes off Crimson’s knee brace and starts hitting him in the back with it, followed by a shot to the head. Angle then begins doing a version of the ankle lock over the rope as Crimson hangs outside to the floor.

End of show.

This show was just…ugh. Just…dear lord, it was bad. A complete and utter mess from the get go. Not even the X-Division match was good.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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TNA Hardcore Justice Results & Recap – Kurt Angle Turns…Again!

August 07, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

TNA Hardcore Justice resultsKurt Angle vs. Sting ended about the same way most TNA pay per view main-events do. In somewhat of a screwy finish that left more questions than answers, Kurt Angle pinned Sting to win the TNA world championship at Hardcore Justice 2011 with a little help from Hulk Hogan.

Where do I begin? Well, let me say this before I go off on a bit of a tangent here. I am certainly not a TNA Wrestling fan. It is just not my cup of tea, but more power to those that enjoy it. Yet, I don’t hate them. So please don’t take my opinion as that of a “TNA hater.” It just isn’t my thing and well, this main-event reinforced it for me.

Angle and Sting wrestled in the main-event this Sunday night. The match went about 20 minutes. It wasn’t bad, but the crowd at the Impact Zone just weren’t into the bout, making it seem a lot worse than it probably was. Sting and Angle at one point traded finishing moves and the crowd didn’t pop at all for a potential finish. They just sat there waiting as if they knew the match would end with some kind of run-in or screw job and guess what? They were correct!

Angle knocked out referee Brian Hebner with an Eziguri, a kick to the head. At that point the Impact Zone fans got up on their feet as if they were all on cue. Hulk Hogan hobbled out to the ring with a steel chair. Sting, Angle, and the referee were down when Hogan measured up Sting. Angle got up first and grabbed the chair out of Hogan’s hands. Hogan retreated, Sting turned around, and Angle clocked him. An Angle Slam later and Kurt was the new TNA world champion. Was he in cahoots with Immortal or did he just seize an opportunity? I think we all know where this one is going.

How many times have we seen identically booked swerves like this in TNA Wrestling? How many times has Kurt Angle turned heel? How many times has a babyface argued with Immortal only to join them a few weeks later? How many times has a main-event ended with a screw finish? You get the idea. Hogan, Eric Bischoff, Vince Russo, and anyone else responsible for booking this finish are working Dixie Carter like a mark at an old school carnival. It is as if these ideas are on a 30-day cycle and they go back to square one at the end of the 30 days and start again. It’s beyond ridiculous!

The thing that may bug me worse than almost anything in TNA is that they end almost all of their pay per views on a cliff hanger. Instead of the logical idea of using your television to build up pay per views so people will pay to see the pay off, they book their pay per views to leave fans hanging with hopes that they will tune into Impact. Hey, it’s their product and they can do what they want, but maybe that is why most of their shows are averaging 8-10,000 buys? The whole philosophy makes zero sense to me and is unfair to the fans who got suckered into paying to see this show.

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As for Kurt Angle, I am a fan, a big fan. I still love watching him talk and wrestle, although tonight was certainly not one of his best matches. Kurt will now enjoy his fifth reign as TNA world champion, the most of any wrestler in TNA history. I honestly don’t have a big problem with it, but once again TNA falls back on the past instead of elevating new stars. Again, I like Angle so I am a little torn on this one. He is certainly a much better choice than Sting but at some point TNA has to freshen up the top.

So get ready for more of the same over the next few months TNA fans, because we are gearing up for the big Sting vs. Hulk Hogan match at Bound for Glory. I don’t get it. Hogan and Bischoff have been at it with Dixie Carter in this storyline for months. The ratings and the buyrates have fallen, yet they continue to shove this thing down their poor fan’s throats with very little end in sight.

You’d think with the kind of excitment the WWE is generating these days with their main storylines, that TNA would feel the pressure a little bit and step up their game. Nope and why should they when the guys booking this stuff have more job security than Peyton Manning.

Full TNA Wrestling Hardcore Justice 2011 results…
Brian Kendrick defeated Alex Shelley and Austin Aries in a three way match for the TNA X Division Championship
Ms. Tessmacher and Tara defeated Mexican America (Rosita and Sarita) (with Anarquia and Hernandez) in a TNA Knockout Tag Team Championship match
D’Angelo Dinero defeated Devon in the Bound for Glory Series
Winter (with Angelina Love) defeated Mickie James for the TNA Women’s Knockout Championship
Crimson defeated Rob Van Dam (with Jerry Lynn) by disqualification in the Bound for Glory Series
Fortune (A.J. Styles, Christopher Daniels, and Kazarian) defeated Immortal (Abyss, Gunner, and Scott Steiner)
Bully Ray defeated Mr. Anderson
Beer Money, Inc. (Bobby Roode and James Storm) defeated Mexican America (Anarquia and Hernandez) in a TNA World Tag Team Championship match
Kurt Angle defeated Sting for the TNA championship

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Ten Pieces of Talent in TNA Wrestling That Are Dead Weight

August 03, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

The Hardys taser Reby SkySo, after doing a top ten list for the ten best unsigned female wrestlers (which you can find on my blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com), I decided that maybe another one was in order.

It was a fun list and relatively easy for me to put together, so why not do another one? From there, I had to think, what could I do that would be relatively easy to put together and could be fun and entertaining at the same time. Surprisingly, it led me to an idea for TNA Wrestling, a company that the words “fun” and “entertaining” rarely ever apply to.

Regardless of what some people might think, I’d love to see TNA succeed as a company, as pro wrestling, at the mainstream level, needs competition. We all know WWE is the top company around, but in regards to competition, TNA is the company that has the best chance of being competition.

However, there are a lot of problems with this company (I won’t dwell on them all here) that are holding them back, one of which is talent. There is plenty of talent in the company, but there are a lot of people in the company who are lacking in the talent department are doing nothing but taking up space and holding the company back.

Now, I won’t go with the obvious of people like Hogan, Jarrett, Russo, Bischoff, etc., as we all know the problems they cause; I’m talking about actual wrestlers who are nothing but dead weight to the company, regardless of what those in TNA would have you believe. These are wrestlers that are simply wastes of money and/or taking up television time and space that could be devoted to far more talented wrestlers. So now, I present to you 10 Pieces of Talent in TNA That Are Dead Weight. (Note: I will be focusing on in-ring competitors here, so total wastes of space like Karen Jarrett will be omitted.)

10. EL ZORRO
Starting with number 10 is a name that, unless you’re a lucha libre fan, you may have never heard. Hell, you’re probably thinking I’m making this up and that there’s no one named El Zorro working for TNA. And while I certainly understand why you’d think that, you’re wrong. For those that don’t know, El Zorro is a star in AAA in Mexico, and is fact the man Jeff Jarrett beat to win the Mega Championship. Now, there is really nothing wrong with Zorro, as he’s a fairly decent wrestler. Not the best, but far from the worst. However, in this case, he’s dead weight. Why, do you ask? Because Zorro has been under contract to TNA, yet has never made ONE SINGLE APPEARANCE for the company. When I say that, I’m not talking just television; he has never wrestled on Xplosion or even on a TNA house show. Basically, he’s been paid the last 8 months to do nothing more than continue working in AAA. If TNA wants to hire international wrestlers such as Zorro, that’s fantastic. But why don’t they, you know, use the wrestler so the money’s not wasted? Just a thought. And people in the company wonder why they get compared to WCW during it’s dying years.

9. OKADA
Although Okada has made a few appearances on the TNA’s show, they have been few and far between. In fact, his last appearance was being on the receiving end of a total squash courtesy of D’Angelo Dinero. Aside from that, he has done nothing but act as Samoa Joe’s limo driver and pretend to be Kato from “The Green Hornet”, something that Dixie Carter thinks was brand new when the Seth Rogen movie came out. And maybe it’s just because I haven’t seen much out of his in-ring work, but what he has shown me just sucks. He could be better than this, I don’t know, but again, when you’ve got a wrestler under contract that never wrestles, who the hell knows how good or bad he is?

8. MURPHY
God, I feel like a broken record at this point. Murphy hasn’t been on the show for around 2 or 3 months now, and even when he was on the show, didn’t do jack aside from getting squashed by literally everyone on the roster. And he is just a lumbering oaf in the ring to boot. At least his former partner, Gunner, is slightly competent; Murphy’s friggin’ clown shoes.

7. ROB TERRY
You know, just because you’re big doesn’t mean you’re talented. When even Vince McMahon-who as we all know gets major chubbies for big guys-can’t get past your size because you suck so insanely badly in the ring, it’s time to reconsider your career choice. If you don’t believe me in regards to Terry’s sloppiness, take a look at his match with the aforementioned Murphy from a couple months back.

6. ROBBIE E
I have never been impressed with the former Rob Eckos. He’s a sub-par worker at best, and his pseudo-charisma is completely forced. In all honesty, the only thing that makes him worth watching is the fact that Becky “Cookie” Bayless comes to the ring with him. When your best quality is your valet, it’s time you got the hell off my TV screen.

5. WINTER
You know, I used to be somewhat of a Winter fan during her WWE/ECW days. She was good-looking, wore sexy outfits and was paired up with the criminally underrated Paul Birchill, so there was no reason really dislike her. Ever since she has been in TNA, though, everything I liked about her is now hidden behind everything about her that sucks. To start, is it just me, or has does she actually get more and more pale by the week? In a couple months, she’ll be as white as Sheamus. Aside from that, now that she’s gotten all of this exposure, her flaws are shining through. She is atrocious on the microphone, has the acting ability of a gerbil, and is a botch fest in every one of her matches. I didn’t think it was possible to screw up something as basic as a sleeper hold, but she has managed to prove me wrong.

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4. ANARQUIA
Where in the name of Davey Crockett’s sweat-stained buckskins did they find this guy? Anarquia is one of the worst performers I’ve ever seen on a televised wrestling program in a very long time. He is actually worse than Hernandez on the microphone (and that’s saying something) and his in-ring ability is nil. The best comparison that I can come up with is he’s basically TNA’s version of David Otunga in that the only thing going for him is the fact that he’s got a decent look. Even then, Anarquia’s look is nothing special. Much like Otunga, he does nothing but punches and kicks while his far-more talented teammate does all the real work.

3. SCOTT STEINER
Back in the day, I was a huge fan of Scott. His work with his brother Rick as the Steiner Brothers was incredible, and they are one of wrestling history’s best tag teams for a reason. Hell, I was even a fan of Steiner’s during his first run as a singles star in WCW when he was quite possibly the hottest heel in wrestling, second only to Vince McMahon. But time has not been kind to Steiner, and it’s really starting to show (that, and he hasn’t been kind to his body). Despite how he looks-and even then he’s starting to look bad with the concave chest and distended belly, Steiner is not healthy. He has chronic issues with his back and knees, not to mention permanent drop-foot syndrome (A name that I think would be cool for Gail Kim’s finisher, BTW). It shows in the ring, as watching him try to wrestle is about as exciting as watching a turtle walk at this point. He’s extremely slow and is notorious for botching moves. Aside from that, let’s be honest-the guy is out of his mind. Granted, it makes for some unintentionally hilarious promos, but Steiner is notorious for his short fuse and being a danger to work with as a result. The guy is a former world champion and has held countless titles all over the world. Really, what does he have left to prove? It’s time to hang it up.

2. STING
Much like with Steiner, I was a huge fan of Sting back in the day. He is, in my opinion, one of the greatest stars of the late ‘80s to early ‘00s. It’s because of this that I want Sting to go away. Sting has absolutely nothing left to prove to anyone. He’s got a resume’ that speaks for itself, including multiple world title reigns and great matches with practically every major star of the last 30+ years. On top of that, Sting has invested his money wisely (unlike a certain “Nature Boy” who almost made the list) and really doesn’t need to work anymore. So, why is he still hanging on? Sting has never been one to go into business for himself and only do right by him, yet he is constantly winning TNA’s world title every couple of months or so, and is almost always the featured character or involved in the feature storyline on the company’s TV broadcasts.

This behavior benefits no one but Sting, a man who doesn’t need the benefit anymore. And again, much like Steiner, Sting is beginning to show his age and is really falling apart. If I’m not mistaken, he’s due for either shoulder or knee surgery yet again, yet he continues to keep wrestling. And for what? A few more title reigns that would be much more beneficial to someone else like A.J. Styles or Christopher Daniels? Sting should have retired at least 4 years ago (if not even longer), yet he keeps coming back. Meanwhile, the exorbitant amount of money that goes to his contracts could be used to bring in some new, hungry talent, or at the very least, give a raise to someone in the company who deserves the extra money (again, like Styles or Daniels). Whether Sting realizes it or not, he’s destroying his own legacy by hanging on, and I lose more and more respect for him with every passing week.

1. MATT AND JEFF HARDY
Okay, so I cheated a little bit hear and am giving you a two-fer. It’s my column, shoot me. The main reason here is because where one Hardy goes, the other is surely to follow. I will try to keep this short, as I could be here all day with the problems surrounding the Hardlys. With Matt Hardy, you’ve got a discipline case who thinks he’s much greater than he actually is, who would rather spend time dicking around on Twitter and YouTube than focusing on his career. It’s because of this lack of interest in his career that has caused him to shoot his mouth off at every possible turn and burn every bridge he’s crossed as a result. I’d be willing to bet not even ROH would take him back at this point. And there’s also his weight issues. Now, he may be slightly leaner at this point (although it’s been a while since I’ve seen him), but it’s only a matter of time before he gets lazy again and turns into a tub of goo. He’s done it several times in the past. He will do it again. This brings us to little brother Meth Hardy.

Much like Fatt, the younger Hardy has a major attitude problem and thinks he’s greater than he is, going so far as to spout off random drunken rants directed at current WWE (and much more highly regarded) star CM Punk, not to mention blasting his brother’s girlfriend with a taser and uploading the video to YouTube for all of the world to see. I don’t think I really need to go into his drug problems, but I will at least briefly mention them. TNA, in their infinite wisdom, decided to put their world title on the guy in the middle of major legal issues involving drug trafficking and distribution.

To make matters worse, they actually did this TWICE. And this wasn’t just a one-time thing; Jeff’s had drug problems for years, and refuses to get help for it. In one of the most unprofessional acts I’ve ever seen, he allegedly showed to a TNA PPV completely blitzed out of his mind. Instead of scrapping his scheduled match with Sting or at the very least give Sting a replacement opponent, Dixie Carter and company thought it would be best to send Hardy to the ring to wrestle anyway, and Hardy wasn’t even coherent enough to climb the ring steps like a normal person. He was so out of it that Sting was ordered to squash him, which he did in 82 seconds. You would think that would have been the wake-up call to fire Jeff.

Instead, they keep him on the payroll and are in the process of giving him a brand new biography-style DVD. So, in simplest terms, TNA is giving it’s wrestlers and fans the impression that, if you’re somewhat of a star, you will be protected at all costs, even if you are a danger to yourself and others.

Honorable mentions include: Bully Ray, Crimson, Gunner, Jesse Neal, Mr. Anderson and Ric Flair (who almost made the list, but I kept him off because he doesn’t wrestle regularly anyway. Not that that’s a bad thing at this point).

Well, that does it for this time. Hope you enjoyed my first attempt at a column outside of a recap here on Camel Clutch. As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (which includes the aforementioned “Top 10 Unsigned Female Wrestlers” list). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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See you next time!

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 07-28-11 – Ten More Days

July 28, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Kurt Angle vs. Ken Anderson Steel Cage MatchWelcome to the 7-28 edition of the TNA Impact Wrestling recap. My last column created quite a stir. As some of you may know, my comments about Madison Rayne and her retaliation were picked up by several respected wrestling websites and writers.

Needless to say, the writers and sites all seemed to universally be behind me in what I call “RayneStorm 2011″ (Like I said on Twitter, “MadTV” fans will understand the reference). One comment in particular seemed to strike a cord with Madison Rayne’s fans (all ten of them), and that was me calling her an atrocious human being two weeks ago. Now, that comment was more sarcastic than anything else. I realize she’s playing a character on TV and there’s probably some differences between her character and who she is in real life (although I’d still be willing to bet she’s not very pleasant; she did call me a d*ckhead and accused me of being jobless, after all). So, having said that, let me clarify what I said two weeks ago and say that she is not an atrocious human being (that I know of, anyway), but rather an atrocious TV personality and wrestler.

There. Everyone good now? Fantastic, then. Oh, and in regards to making fun of her all the time, out of respect for Camel Clutch Blog, I will dial it back just a tad and be more selective with the shots I fire out. I just hope she does the same and gives me a lack of ammunition.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, on with the show.

We start off with Kirk Angel (your check’s in the mail, Jericho) walking to the ring as Mike Tenay plays “Captain Obvious”. Angle calls out Mr. Linda Hogan, who is looking more scrawny and saggy than ever (scrawny compared to days gone by, anyway). Oh, and he’s very obviously limping. Apparently, Hogan’s been blowing up Angle’s phone for three days with some kind of offer. Angle says Immortal doesn’t impress him, and that it’s full of a$% kissers and scumbags. Angle continues to swear he’s never beaten Sting despite doing it at least twice, and says he’ll win the world title at Hardcore Justice. He asks Hogan if he knows what it’s like to be the best in the world. Hulk Hogan blatantly lies and says “yes”. Hogan talks about carrying wrestling on his barn door back. That’s all well and good, but that was nearly 30 years ago. What’s Hogan done for the business lately? Hogan continues to live in the past and talks about selling out arenas in 1984 when “Angle was still pooping in his diapers”. Angle was around 9 or 10 then, so if he was pooping in diapers, he had a serious problem. Hogan is still rambling about whatever, and gives Angle crap about not accepting Immortal’s offer. Angle says he does respect Hogan, which is why he’s not kicking Hogan’s a$$ at the moment. That, and because Hogan’s crippled.

Angle then begins to talk about Hulkamania back in the day as well, as if Hogan needed further verbal stroking. Hogan tells Angle he’s never wrestling again, and then lists off all the surgeries he’s had. Hogan says if Angle wants to bring up Hogan’s wife and kids (which he apparently did), he’s asking for trouble. He accuses Angle of being handed the gold medals at the 1996 Olympics because of his broken freaking neck (which, BTW, never happened; Angle’s neck was fractured, never broken. If it had been broken, he’d be dead. Look it up). Hogan asks Angle what he’s trying to say, and Angle says if Hogan wants Sting taken out, why doesn’t he do it himself. He challenges Hogan to take on Sting himself. Holy L. Ron Hubbard, this can’t be happening. I don’t want to know what fans wants another Hogan/Sting match 20 years too late.

Backstage, some random tramp hands Eric Bischoff a paper from “The Network”. Since when did Cyrus the Virus start working for TNA?

We see another commercial for the Impact Wrestling fantasy game, which is supposedly one-of-a-kind. Except for, you know, all of the other fantasy wrestling games out there.

MATCH 1-BFG Series match: Gunner vs. Rob Van Dam
Doo doo doo dee doo doo. ROB VAN DAM! Doo doo doo dee doo doo. If you ever wanted to know the lyrics to RVD’s theme, there you go. Anyway, these two are two of the top guys in the BFG series. Gunner starts off with a tackle into the corner and some punches. RVD counters and gets a body scissors into a pin for 2. Gunner telegraphs a back body drop and gets kicked. RVD gets a spin kick, but gets caught a second time and powerslammed into the corner for 2. Another 2 off a back elbow. RVD gets a reverse cross body off the middle for 2, but Gunner gets 2 of his own off a clothesline. Apparently, Gunner’s now a former marine, according to Taz. Okay. RVD gets a top rope thrust kick for 2, but misses the slingshot legdrop to the outside. Back in, and RVD gets hot shotted off a springboard.

Gunner throws him back in for another 2. Gunner with stomps. RVD gets a kick in the corner, a thrust kick from the middle rope and Rolling Thunder. Gunner rolls outside and pulls RVD out, too. Guess he went to the “Cena-Orton School of No-Selling”. Gunner bodyslams RVD on the outside and throws him back in. Gunner climbs back in and gets a Tully Blanchard slingshot suplex for 2, only Tully did it better. RVD elbows out of a corner whip and goes up top, but Gunner gets a powerbomb for 2. RVD with a running spin kick into the corner, but Gunner no-sells again and gets a running knee for 2. Gunner goes for Mr. Pibb, but RVD spinning dropkicks out of it. RVD up with a Five-Star Frog Splash from way across the ring, and this one’s over.

WINNER: Rob Van Dam. Not a bad match, but I’m just not at all impressed with Gunner, nor do I understand why he’s getting pushed so hard. Oh, wait-It’s TNA. I don’t have to understand. Anyway, RVD and Gunner are now tied for 2nd place in the Blades of Glory series at 28 points a piece.

Backstage, we see Sting completing the Joker ensemble with a 3-piece suit, except it’s red instead of purple. Well, since it’s red, I guess it’s completely and utterly original, right? Right? Wrong? What? Okay.

Backstage again, Eric is scolding the members of Immortal, and is reading the letter from “The Network”. Basically, it says that, because of the success of Destination X (all 8,000 buys), they expect Eric to hire even more X-Division wrestlers and showcasing it more. I think they mean more X-Division guys will be hired then ignored. That sounds right to me. Hogan comes in and says he wants Kurt Angle destroyed. Bully Ray volunteers Mr. Anderson to do it. Anderson complains (which will lead to yet another turn by Anderson this year), but then agrees to do it. Bisch begins to read more from the letter, and the Red Scorpion appears, carrying something covered in a black blanket. He puts the something on Bischoff’s desk and talks about his suit, which he is wearing with sneakers. He talks about his great relationship with the Network, and that he is the new network executive for Impact. He says his first line of business is announcing that the Anderson/Angle match will be a cage match, and that Fourtune (which has five guys in it) will be at ringside. Yes, a lumberjack cage match. From the minds that brought us the reverse battle royal. Woot.

Back in the ring, Brian Kendrick is rambling about Austin Aries in jeans and no shoes. Alex Shelley is with him and calls Austin Aries a jackass. Aries makes his way to the ring now. Shelley begins naming off great X-Division wrestlers (and Samoa Joe) and says they built the division, and that Aries could contribute to the division but doesn’t because he cheats. Probably because he’s a heel. Probably. Shelley says Aries needs to play by the rules and calls Aries a douchebag. Aries makes fun of Kendrick for looking stupid, and I’m inclined to agree. Aries lists off everything he did to get his contract, and says that we’re playing by his rules now, and that he has only one rule-winning at all costs. He says he has a lot of five-star matches, and now wants a five-star bank account. Basically he wants to make money, which begs the question of why he’s in the company in the first place. Kendrick begins rambling again. Seriously, there’s no other way to describe his promos. I love the guy as a wrestler, but damn.

Shelley tells Aries to shove his great matches, and that we get a three-way match between them for the X-Division title at Hardcore Justice. All of a sudden, the man who absolutely screams “X-Division”, Abyss, makes his way out. He says that, despite the Network, Hogan and Bischoff call the shots. We know who to blame, Abyss. You don’t have to remind us. He says he gets a rematch for the belt, and will get it tonight. He says he’s taking the belt and killing the X-Division. When did a title belt become lethal?

Sting pops up on the big screen and says that the rematch will happen tonight, and it will be an Ultimate X match. I only see one problem with this, and his name rhymes with “Sub Miss” (Sato). Okay, so they don’t rhyme all that well. Shoot me.

Backstage with Matt Morgan and he’s telling us that he’s torn his right pec, and that he is now out of action due to the injury and out of the BFG series in the process.

We get a recap of Angle beating Jeff Jarrett to become #1 contender to the Battle Dome Championship. Now, we look at BFG matches from house shows. Bobby Roode, Bully Ray, Gunner and James Storm all picked up wins to earn points, as did Scott Steiner. Most of the wins were over Samoa Joe. Crimson is still in 1st place with 31 points. Remember him? No? You’re better off.

Crimson will be taking Blubber Ray on tonight in a series match. Ray is talking about playing “Angry Birds” and that he’s a legend. I’m inclined to agree. I’ve seen those plaques with his name on it at Old Country Buffet, so I know he’s telling the truth. They’re right next to Matt Hardy’s plaques. Ray then talks about A.J. Styles. I guess they have a match at house show in Houston for more points. Ray says he’s going to be Styles, and follows it up by saying “okey-dokey”. Why does he say “okey-dokey”? Because he can. That’s really what he said, and that was his real explanation.

You know, if Axe Body Spray makes women want to molest mannequins, why is it still on the market?

MATCH 2-BFG Series match: Blubber Ray vs. Lance Sackless
Hey, remember that whole storyline of Crimson being Amazing Red’s younger brother? Neither does anyone in the company. Christy Hemme makes a point of telling us all Crimson is undefeated in his entrance announcement. Thanks, Christy. I had forgotten that fact in the last five minutes, despite it being repeated constantly. Ray starts off in the corner with punches and slaps. Why does Bully Ray jump with every move? I guess that’s his cardio for the day. Crimson gets a couple of gut punches in, but Ray’s a tub, so he no-sells it and gets a Mongolian chop. Ray begins attacking Crimson’s right knee, which is braced for some reason. Ray takes the brace off and begins dropping elbows, as if that brace was really doing anything. He pulls Crimson’s knee pad off and starts slapping his knee. Blubber Ray then does JBL’s hand gesture complete with cow moo. Racists stick together. Ray setts up for the Bully Bomb. Crimson elbows out of it, hits Red Sky, and this is over.

WINNER: Crimson. Crimson is still undefeated, despite being completely squashed in this awful, awful match. I just can’t be objective here-this match SUCKED. Crimson gets another 7 points, putting him at 38.

Up next, we get Winter vs. Tara. Apparently, Santa read my wish list this year.

Backstage (How many times do I have to tell you, WRESTLING MATTERS, DAMMIT!), Eric Bischoff is on the phone with someone, trying to get the Network on the phone. That’s about it.

In another part of the backstage area, my #1 fan and bestest friend in the history of ever anything Madison Rayne is walking around, talking about how she’ll be at ringside for this next match. Sting jumps in front of her, still packing around the thing in the blanket. Madison screams. Best. Segment. EVER.

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MATCH 3-Winter (w/Walking Stick) vs. Knockouts Tag Team Co-Champion Tara (w/Miss Tessmacher)
You know, ever since Winter got canned like a tuna from WWE, she appears to be getting more pale by the day. On the plus side, it compliments Angelina Love’s anorexic look very nicely. Tara’s doing the fake lesbian kiss with Tessy now. Great. I do like Tessy’s outfit, though. Earl Hebner ejects both the other knockouts from ringside. In the ring, Tara’s slamming Winter’s head into everything. Roll-up with bridge gets 2. Winter gets out and shoulders Tara in the ring. Tara reverses a corner charge into Tajiri’s Tarantula, but Winter gets out and gets in a hot shot. Tara slams Winter’s head into the turnbuckle, but misses the Arabian facebuster. Winter gets a reverse neck whip in the ropes for 2. Now, she has a double chicken wing on Tara that Tenay incorrectly calls a surfboard. Tara goes for a corner whip, but Winter slides into it and gets a clothesline for 2.Backbreaker by Winter for 2. Winter mounts Tara, which isn’t as exciting as it sounds. They trade punches. Tara with clotheslines, a bodyslam and a botched standing moonsault that Taz calls beautiful. Tara tries for the Widow’s Peak, but slides out of it and gets a big boot. Winter goes for her horrible swinging side slam, but Tara gets out. Somehow, Earl Hebner gets kicked in the process, which allows Winter to hit a low blow. Kind of pointless on a woman, isn’t it? She gets the swinging side slam into a backbreaker, botches it heavily because she’s not strong enough, and gets the win.

WINNER: Winter. I’m disappointed my most favoritest wrestler in the ever Madison Rayne went back on her word and didn’t come out. Gonna have to have a talk with her about honesty. I guess she hasn’t seen any of those great after school specials. She could at least watch an episode of “Full House” or “Family Matters” once in a while. Geez.

MATCH 4-Ultimate X Match for the X-Division Championship: Abyss vs. Brian Kendrick
A friend of mine had a tryout with TNA last year. He told me that Abyss has specially designed boots to make him look much taller than he actually is, and that he’s only around 6 or 6’2″. Random thought for you there. You know, while the concept of the Ultimate X match isn’t bad, why couldn’t someone just grab a ladder and get the X/belt down? It’s a no-rules match, after all. Anyway. Kendrick tries a whip but Abyss reverses. He misses a corner charge and gets a kick and some punches. Abyss misses a boot. Kendrick gets a single-leg dropkick in, but Abyss knocks him down. Abyss actually tries jumping up to grab the belt before trying to climb the corner. Apparently, he’s afraid of heights. That, and I’m not sure the cables will hold him. Kendrick goes for a tornado DDT, but Abyss throws him out of it and catches a big boot. Abyss is trying to figure out how to get the belt. Again, ever think of a ladder? Abyss is now trying to tear the Ultimate X structure down. Kendrick knocks him down with a suicide dive and gets in some kicks on the outside. Kendrick catches the tornado DDT in the ring the second time, now he’s climbing up. Kendrick shimmies towards the belt, but Abyss pulls him down, followed by another clothesline.

God, Abyss has put on weight since the early TNA days. Guess there are no gyms in his little corner of Parts Unknown. Abyss misses a corner charge, and Kendrick counters with Sliced Bread #2. He climbs up and shimmies towards the belt again. He nearly gets it, but Abyss pulls him back down and gets an avalanche in the corner, followed by a chop. Another avalanche by Abyss, and he’s calling for the chokeslam. You know, because every guy announced as 6’8″ or over HAS to do a chokeslam. It’s a rule. He lifts Kendrick up, but Kendrick grabs the belt in the process, unhooks it and pulls it down with him. Admittedly, that was a cool spot.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Brian Kendrick. Not a great match, but like I said, the finish was actually pretty cool.

Backstage (Do I even need to say it?), Velvet Sky is talking to a big-jugged scarecrow called Traci Brooks. They’re yelling about calling the cops or something. I used to think. You know, I used to think Traci was hot. What the hell happened to her?

We get some bizarre skit with Eric Young. He’s talking to David Hasselhoff’s agent. Eric actually points out the TV title belt is missing jewels. I’m not sure what’s going on here. Young strips down to his underwear, then puts his clothes back on. The agent tells Young to find an acting coach. Apparently, we can see more of this on ImpactWrestling.com. Thank you, no.

Traci and Velvet are in the ring, inviting ODB and Jackie to the ring. They do. ODB appears to be on boobjob #127. Traci shows her lack of acting skills by smiling blankly while talking about how she invented the knockouts division. She says she didn’t complain about being fired like the other two have. ODB says “You should’ve”. Traci says they should be glad Velvet didn’t press criminal charges last week, and this all ends tonight. ODB says she’ll be happy to end it after putting her foot up Velvet’s “plastic, Barbie Doll ass”. The pot and the kettle, my friends. ODB says the division has turned into a “Hooters Invitational”, and she’s right. Velvet talks about her rough life in Hartford, CT. Um…isn’t that basically the suburbs? She talks about getting picked on in high school and blah, blah, blah. You know, Velvet, if this is how you acted in high school, I can’t blame the other people for picking on you (not that I believe the story). She says being in the knockouts division is the greatest gift she’s ever received. I’d hate to see her other gifts. She says she doesn’t owe anyone an apology, but she also doesn’t blame ODB and Jackie for being mad. She then says they should just ask for their jobs back instead of whining. Velvet says they can keep fighting, but she’s done being anyone’s punching bag. She leaves then leaves the ring. Pointless segment for a pointless feud. You know, if you want to get the knockouts division over as a serious division, perhaps the focal point of the division should more than eye candy (Velvet). Just a thought.

We see the 5-Man Fortune talking about being the lumberjacks in the main event tonight. Daniels pulls A.J. aside and asks him if he had a chance to think about what Daniels said (which we still don’t know). A.J. Styles asks if he’s serious before Sting barges in with his magical package of mystery. A.J. asks him what’s in the cage. Sting asks how he knew it was a cage. Probably by the sound. Probably. Sting says it’s a present for Eric Bischoff, and he’s going to give it to Eric right now.

MATCH 5-Steel Cage Lumberjack Match: Mr. Anderson vs. Kurt Angle
You know something, TNA? If you want to be taken seriously as a wrestling company, here’s a tip: Quit trying to invent the most pointless match concepts known to man. Just because you’ve come up with a new match idea doesn’t mean it’s always good to actually put it into practice. In some cases, such as this, there’s a reason other companies haven’t done it-because IT’S POINTLESS! Okay, I’m done. We learn that this match can be won by pinfall, submission or escaping the cage. I already ranted about how cage matches should be pinfall/submission OR escape in my last DVD recap, so I won’t complain more about it here. Commercial.

I’d really love to hurt the people behind Education Connection’s ad campaign. Just saying.

Before we actually get to the main event, we get yet ANOTHER backstage Eric Bischoff segment. He’s demanding someone on the phone put “Him” on the phone. Jesus? Apparently, Him answers the phone, and Bischoff is throwing a fit about Sting being the network executive. Him tells Bischoff he hasn’t talked to Sting in weeks. This leads Sting to come into the office with his cloth-covered cage. Sting talks about stuff bottled up inside him during the entire show. He says he knows the truth will set him free, and that he’s not actually a network executive, and that he made everything up, effectively killing the angle in less than 2 hours. According to Sting, putting on a nice suit gets people to respect you. He then takes the cloth off the cage and a giant bird flies out and lands on Eric’s computer monitor. He leaves before mentioning he’s locking the door. If you’re confused, then you’ve been paying attention.

We’re finally to the match, and Anderson is “really taking it” to Kurt Angle after one successful corner whip (Taz’s words). After a clothesline, Anderson gets in a rear chinlock. Angle arm drags out of it and catches a couple punches, but Anderson gets a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Anderson’s making the “money” signal as the crowd chants “You Sold Out”. I’m not even going to begin how stupid this chant is. Suplex by Anderson gets another 2. He then capitalizes with…another chinlock. This cage match is brutality at it’s most brutal, chico. Angle with a back suplex. They trade some punches, and Angle with an, um double eye-poke, maybe? It looked terrible. Angle with a belly-to-belly, but Anderson gets back on offense with a rolling fireman’s carry slam. He goes for the Mic Check, but Angle channels a dead guy and hits several German suplexes for 2. Ankle lock attempt, but Anderson rolls through into a victory roll for 2. Angle tries for more German suplexes, but Anderson throws him into the cage and catches the Mic Check for 2. Fourtune has been integral to this match, let me tell you. Anderson tries to escape through the cage door, but Angle gets the ankle lock on again. Anderson kicks his way out of it and drops Angle with a clothesline. Now he’s trying to climb out of the cage. Angle runs after him and catches a botched Angle Slam from the top rope for 2.

Hogan’s Orange Goblins run down to ringside, and Fourtune fights them off. Now Mexican-America runs down to fight Beer Money Inc. off. Blubber Ray comes in from the crowd and hides by the ring apron. He grabs Angle’s tights through the camera hold in the cage, which allows Anderson to attack him from behind. He gets a few stomps in before demanding Blubber to get him a chair. Blubber opens the door to give Anderson the chair, but refuses to let go because Anderson apparently called him “sweetheart”. Blubber finally does once Angle’s behind Anderson, which causes Anderson to fall back into the Angle Slam for the 3.

WINNER: Kurt Angle. Anderson’s head looks like it may have hit the chair on the landing, but I’m not sure. Anyway, the lights go out, and when they come back on, Sting’s in the ring. He congratulates Angle and says “Just ten more days”.

End of show.

The highlight of the show was the X-Division title match, which really was only good for the (surprisingly) creative ending. The rest of the show just sucked, and having the main event inside a cage was pointless. It seriously was only used as a weapon once, and really doesn’t do much good in the way of keeping wrestlers out when Blubber Ray just casually opens the door without the refs even attempting to stop him. As for the Sting angle, they literally started a new twist and then killed it in less than 2 hours.

Before I end this week’s recap, I personally would like to welcome a new writer to Camel Clutch, my friend and former writer for thewrestlingfan.com Malcolm “Not in the Middle” Spinedi (www.twitter.com/NotintheMiddle), who will be joining the site as the new WWE NXT recapper. Malcolm is a great writer with a sense of humor. If you enjoy my work, I think you’ll enjoy his as well.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com, where I have plenty of new stuff up, including a look at my tattoo collection and my new weekly installment, “Hot Chick in Tall Socks of the Week”. Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Gerri Davis Banner, NPC National Level Heavyweight and Masters Female Bodybuilder

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

Full TNA Impact Wrestling July 28 Results
Kurt Angle defeated Mr. Anderson in a Steel Cage Match
Brian Kendrick defeated Abyss in an Ultimate X Match
Winter defeated Tara
Rob Van Dam defeated Gunner in a Bound for Glory Series Match
Crimson defeated Bully Ray in a Bound for Glory Series Match

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WWE Money in the Bank 2011 DVD

Randy Orton: The Evolution of a Predator DVD

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 07-21-11 – A Message From Madison Rayne

July 21, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Madison Rayne doesn't like our TNA columnistWelcome back everyone. Before we get into this week’s recap/rant, I have a little story I’d like to share with you. Last week in my recap of Impact Wrestling, during the knockouts match between Tara and Madison Rayne, I made several comments about Rayne discussing my overall distaste for her. It was nothing horribly offensive or vulgar, yet it apparently hit a nerve with Miss Rayne herself. Apparently, she reads my columns on CamelClutchBlog.com, and sent me a response to last week’s column on Twitter. Here is that comment verbatim from Madison Rayne (www.twitter.com/RayneLane):

@XDustinEFLX You sir, are a d*ckhead. Get a real job. =) that’s all!

Well, Jokes on Rayne: I don’t get paid for this and have a real job. A real suck job, mind you, but a real job nonetheless. Anyway, I did respond to Rayne in kind on Twitter. I won’t repeat that response here; however, I will say that fellow wrestling writer and friend Malcolm Spinedi (www.twitter.com/NotintheMiddle) told me I should have told her that she should work for a real wrestling federation first. Good line. Anyway, I wasn’t going to pick on Rayne anymore than normal until I received this feedback (my first piece of feedback/criticism/hatred from a TV wrestling personality, BTW). Now that I know I make Madison Rayne mad, I will have to make sure to go out of my way to pick on her every week. Sorry, but that’s the rule. It’s science.

Now, onto this week’s broadcast. We start the show with the brand new TNA Wrestling World Champion, Sting. Nothing against Sting, but this is the reason why no one takes Impact Wrestling seriously. Every time they put the belt on someone new or newer to the main event scene, it doesn’t take long before the belt goes right back to Sting. Sting’s in the ring cutting a stupid promo in the Joker voice that he’s really terrible at. Sting says there won’t be an easy or hard way, and we’re doing things Stings’ way instead.

This promo is total nonsense, BTW. He says he wants to do an interview with Hogan and Bischoff. Instead, someone in a clown mask (Kurt Angle) comes down the ring. He rips the mask off and, surprise, it’s Kurt Angle. Kurt reminds Sting that he was the one who helped Sting out last week. Kurt says that, while Sting is trying to save the company for Dixie Carter, he’s run into a speed bump shaped like Kurt Angle. Angle says they will meet at “Hardcore Justice”, and that he and Sting are legends in wrestling, and only one can walk out the better man. Sting continues his Joker crap before Bully Ray and Mr. Anderson walk out. Huhboy, this is going to be a long night.

Blubber Ray tells us that Angle and Sting will have to learn to work together, because it’s them vs. Ray and Anderson. Ray says he didn’t like Kurt hitting him in the ab with a baseball bat, and that he will hit Kurt with a kitchen sink. Anderson makes fun of Sting’s face and refers to Kurt as Sting’s “butt buddy”. I hope GLAAD is watching this. Anderson says before Sting worries about anyone else including Dixie, he has to deal with Anderson first. He then calls Sting “beyotch”. How old is Anderson again?

MATCH 1-BFG Series Match: Scott Steiner vs. Rob Van Dam
Steiner’s chest looks a deflated balloon. BTW-steroids only work if you still continue to work out each muscle group in the gym. Rob Van Dam‘s horrible music hits, and he’s got some bandages over his right eye. Steiner attacks RVD before the bell. Steiner gets some shots in and a back elbow. Man, that tattoo sucks. Overhead belly-to-belly suplex by Steiner gets 2. Steiner puts RVD in the tree of woe and steps on his throat. Not only does Steiner have no chest, but he’s got horrible distended belly going on. Steiner puts RVD in a version of the standing surfboard. RVD gets out, but gets thrown in the corner followed by some shots. RVD floats over a corner whip and hits a jumping side kick. Punches by RVD followed by a kick to the face. Leaping side kick from the top sends Steiner to the outside. RVD guts Steiner on the guardrail, and hits a spinning legdrop from the ring apron. Back in the ring and Steiner calls for time out, but no go. Corner whip by RVD, but Steiner counters with the boot and the spinning belly-to-belly for 2. Corner whip by Steiner, but RVD responds with a spinning heel kick and Rolling Thunder for 2. Steiner gets up and crotches RVD on top rope and hits a suspended reverse STO. Not a bad move, actually. RVD breaks the fall by getting his foot on the bottom rope. Steiner’s looking for a clothesline and hits it, followed by the posing elbow drop and push-ups. Steiner begins arguing with the ref for no reason, which allows RVD to get the schoolboy for the 3.

WINNER: Rob Van Dam, which gets him 7 points, putting him in 4th place. I think it’s time for Steiner to hang it up, as most of his offense in this match was punches and kicks.

We see TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne walking to the ring. Hmm? Really? Oh. I’m being told in my invisible earpiece that the champion is actually Mickie James, and that she’s the one walking to the ring. Huh! Guess you learn something new every day.

Mickie James comes out. Seriously, who told her she could sing? She asks Velvet Sky to come to the ring. She does. Riveting television right here. Mickie James is trying to pull off some pseudo-50’s look tonight. It’s not working. James tells Velvet that she’s seen everyone take all of their frustrations out on Velvet for months. James proceeds with the pointless butt-kissing and tells Velvet she’s proud to give Velvet her first one-one-one title match tonight. They hug, and Mickie continues the pandering and says they will tear the roof off the Impact Zone. Somehow, I doubt it. Mickie James says she’s walking into the match as champion and will walk out as well. This leads to Winter’s awful music playing. Her and her walking stick she calls

Angelina Love come to ringside. Angelina tells Mickie and Velvet they just need to go get a hotel room together. Angelina says that she completely understands everything Winter’s done to her, and that the rest of the knockouts all share total disrespect for her because she’s the 5-time champion. She says she’s never been given her dues (despite, you know, the five title reigns), and that none of the other knockouts on her level. She says that it doesn’t matter who wins tonight, because the belts her. Winter, with all of the acting ability of a rock, proceeds to rant about approximately nothing, and then says she’s going to win the title, and it will belong to her and Angelina. Velvet and Mickie James then hold hands for some reason.

Backstage, Rosita and Sarita attack Tara and Miss Tessmacher. I guess they have a match tonight or something.
BTW-the remakes for “Conan” and “Fright Night” look offensively terrible.

Back from commercials, and the brawl between the non-Mexican Mexicans and Tara and Tessmacher is continuing. Now, Madison Rayne jumps into the picture and does nothing but scream. At least she’s going with her strong suit here.

Now we get comments from the 4 participants in tonight’s ladder match. Joe says there’s no reason he should have zero points tonight. Except for the fact that, you know, he hasn’t won any matches. Matt Morgan says he’s going to get 10 points tonight, and begins nonsensically raising his voice in the middle of the promo. Gunner rambles on about A.J. Styles and then says he’ll be champion. A.J. also says he’s going to win, but then Christopher Daniels walks into frame and proceeds to talk just quietly enough so the camera can’t pick up the audio. Styles slams the door in the cameraman’s face.

Mike Tenay tells us to watch this “very special video”. It’s a very dark video of Tara, Tessy, Sarita and Rosita fighting in a parking lot. Apparently, Sarita had her jaw and orbital bones broken and needs to wear a protective mask now.

Check out the full Camel Clutch Blog Pro Wrestling and MMA store for videos, t-shirts, books, and more.

MATCH 2-Knockouts Tag Team Championship: Tara and Miss Tessmacher vs. Knockouts Tag Team Champions Rosita and Sarita
Tara and Tessy wait for the champs off at the top of the ramp. Sarita is wearing a mask that looks exactly like Abyss’. The bell finally rings after some brawling, and now they’re all brawling in the ring. The champs kick Tara out, but get double-clotheslined by Tessy. Sarita’s looking chunky tonight. Earl Hebner finally gets Sarita out of the ring, so Tessy and Rosita are legal. Sarita tags in, and Taz refers to the champs as “hot little jackals”. Never found jackals to be hot. The champs tag in and out, doing nothing more than slaps for about a minute. Tessy kicks Rosita in the gut, but gets nothing. Tessy reverses out of a corner whip and hits a clothesline. She tries to tag in not-Victoria, but Sarita kicks Tara back out. Rosita tags Sarita back in. They hit Tessy with a very sloppy double-flapjack and Sarita gets 2. Tara gets in the ring and drags Tessy to their corner. She tags in and hits some forearms. Tara goes for the Widow’s Peak on Sarita, but Madison Rayne comes in and headbutts Tara in the stomach behind the ref’s back, allowing Sarita to get 2. Tessy gets a tornado bulldog on Sarita while Tara simultaneously hits the Spider’s Web on Rosita. Tara hits Sarita with a tree slam while Tessy botches a roll-up on Rosita, and Tara gets the 3.

WINNERS AND NEW CHAMPIONS: Tara and Miss Tessmacher. This might matter if the Knockouts tag titles meant a single damn thing. Meanwhile, was there any point at all in Madison Rayne’s involvement in this match? She didn’t do a single thing worthwhile. Even after headbutting Tara, she disappeared from the equation. Don’t get me wrong-the less of her on my TV, the better (especially with HD); but if that’s all she’s going to do, why cart her out in the first place?

Just in case we weren’t sure, the contract for this next match has the amount of points it is worth in giant numbers and letters written on it.

MATCH 3-Four-way ladder match for 10 BFG Series points: A.J. Styles vs. Samoa Joe vs. Matt Morgan vs. Gunner
Joe should probably drop the “Samoan Submission Machine” nickname. When was the last time a submission hold was successful in helping him win a match? You know, even as generic as all of TNA entrance “videos” are, Gunner’s has to be THE most generic. Pretty fitting, I guess. Joe and Morgan brawl in the ring while Styles and Gunner are brawling on the outside. Gunner gets a ladder on the ring apron and then hotshots Styles into it. Joe then dropkicks it into Gunner’s face. Morgan and Joe fight over the ladder, then hit Gunner with it. Morgan punches Joe, then slides the ladder into the ring. A.J. gets in the ring. Morgan attempts a chokeslam, but Styles backflips out of it and kicks Morgan a few times. Gunner channels Tully Blanchard with a slingshot suplex on Styles, then hits Joe and Morgan with a ladder. Styles throws Gunner back out. Morgan tries to throw Styles into the ladder. Styles runs up and jumps off into a crossbody, but Morgan catches him with a fall-away slam. Joe hits Morgan with a running senton. Gunner’s back in and tries an Irish whip on Joe, but Joe keeps running and jumps onto Morgan on the outside. Styles punchs Gunner off the ladder. Joe knocks off Styles, but eats a Pele. Joe hits a corner uranage on Styles, but takes a running knee from Top Gun himself. Morgan hits the Carbon Footprint on Top Gun, and now Morgan’s climbing the ladder. He grabs the contract, and it’s over.

WINNER: Matt Morgan. Morgan gets 10 points and climbs to 2nd place in the series. This match was okay but was far too rushed to be such an overbooked mess. Ladder matches should really have a minimum of 15 minutes. I think this one last less than 10.

Eric Young is in front of a mini-mart, talking about how he’s going to beat up a bunch of random celebrities. He walks in and says that he sees his first opponent, Cee-Lo Green. It’s actually D-Lo Brown that’s in the min-mart. D-Lo, looking fatter than holy hell, tells Eric this isn’t a road he wants to go down, and that he’s going back to work. Young rolls him up as he walks away and counts his own pin. D-Lo chases him out of the mini-mart and then does his old stupid headshake.

MATCH 4-X-Division Championship: Alex Shelley vs. X-Division Champion Brian Kendrick
Kendrick misses a dropkick, and Shelley gets a weird roll-up for 2. Shelley gets a unique small package for another 2. Shelley and Kendrick trade wastelocks, and Shelley gets yet another unique roll-up for 2. Shelley gets a knee and a chop, reverses a chop into an armdrag, but runs right into a single-leg dropkick. Kendrick goes for Sliced Bread #2, but Shelley kicks him away. Shelley tries the same move, but Kendrick escapes. Shelley gets a bow and arrow lock on Kendrick, but Kendrick floats out for a 1-count. Shelley misses a baseball slide to the outside. Kendrick charges but eats a kick. Shelley with a top rope crossbody for 2. He tries to get the pin two more times, but no luck. Shelley goes back up, but Kendrick connects with a dropkick off the dive. Shelley gets some forearms in, but Kendrick responds with one of his own, followed by a big boot and another single-leg dropkick that sends Shelley outside. Kendrick connects with the suicide dive. Kendrick tries a splash from up top back in the ring, but Shelley gets his knees up. Both guys on the apron now, and Shelley hits Sliced Bread #2 on the ring apron. Pretty damn cool move, if you ask me. Shelley throws him back in, but Austin Aries appears out of nowhere and clocks Shelley with the title belt. Kendrick crawls over and gets the 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Brian Kendrick. Not a bad match, but far from the best I’ve seen out of these two. Meanwhile, Aries is still on the outside, doing a creepy pose on the floor.

Backstage, Kendrick is telling the anonymous camera man he didn’t know that Aries was outside during the match. Kendrick then rambles incoherently. That’s apparently the theme for all the promos tonight.

We get another Mexican-America promo. Anarquia is rambling about Sarita getting her face broken. Oh, and that protective face mask she’s wearing? It’s about as protective as Rey Mysterio’s. Now Anarquia is complaining about where their flag is. He says that, when they get pissed off, they kick ass. They must not be pissed off very often. He then says they want Beer Money.

The tag champs now come out. James Storm looks like a complete tool with his painted cowboy hat and “Beer Hunter” shirt. Anarquia proceeds to ramble in fake Spanish. James Storm tells him to shut up and leave the ring, as well as the company. He tells them to find something they’re good at, like cutting grass. Because racism=comedy. Storm threatens to make him eat a cowboy boot. Hopefully with hollandaise sauce. Storm then says everyone has forgotten about them. At least he admits it. He tells us how bad Bobby Roode is in an incoherent way (again, it’s the theme tonight).

James Storm says he’s as American as they come after listing off a bunch of things he is that I hate (except for Johnny Cash). Storm calls Mexican-America’s act BS, and that they will get their title shot at Hardcore Justice. He then says they’re going to wake up the morning after the PPV with their green cards shoved up their asses. Apparently, Storm didn’t get the memo that Hernandez was born in Texas and Anarquia was born in California, thus negating the need for green cards. Again, racism=comedy.

Up next, the horse-faced Knockouts Champion (not Madison Rayne) vs. “Talentless Eye Candy” Velvet Sky

You know, I’m trying to be as objective as I can with this company, but they are making it so very, very difficult.

How can anyone feel sympathy for Dixie Carter in this stupid storyline? The woman signed away her company without reading the contract. It’s her own fault for being so stupid.

MATCH 5-Knockouts Championship: Knockouts Champion Mickie James vs. Velvet Sky
Before Velvet Sky is even out, Winter and her doggy chew toy attack James. Velvet comes in with a bunch of kicks. Mickie is also looking nice and pudgy tonight. Her, Sarita and Samoa Joe must be on the same non-diet. Velvet and James continue to attack Winter and Angelina Love. ODB and Jackie come into the ring from the crowd and attack the faces. Dear lord, ODB appears to have had her breasts enlarged again. Winter and Love stand by and watch this, while Traci Brooks, fresh from the corn field where she works a second job as an implausibly large-breasted scarecrow, runs into the ring to save the faces. The amount of silicone and plastic surgery that’s in the ring is probably more costly than Kurt Angle’s entire contract. Jackie beats up the security guards, as does ODB. The knockouts all continue to brawl pointlessly. ODB throws a skate shoe while her and Jackie continue to beat up security. I’m really at a loss here. Some fake cops then come in to arrest ODB and Jackie. You would think that, for realism’s sake, they would have been ringside about 10-15 minutes ago. Oh, and the title match? It’s completely scrapped for the evening.

Backstage (WRESTLING MATTERS!!!!!), and we see Velvet Sky and Traci Brooks. Traci is sticking up for Velvet, whether she has a contract or not. Velvet calls her baby. And…that’s about it, really.

MATCH 6-Alien Frat Boys (Blubber Ray and Special Agent Jim Rave) vs. Kurt Angle and World Champion Heath Ledger’s Corpse
Anderson starts his microphone schtick, but Blubber tells him to knock it off and not give people what they want. Anderson ignores him and continues to do it. You know, I really don’t want to know the people who want Anderson to do his microphone bit. It’s annoying and pointless. It’s not clever, and hasn’t been for about 6 years.

”The Insane Icon” comes out, and now I’m really irritated. Sting’s whole bit, including that atrocious nickname just makes me physically ill. Blubber and Sting start off. Anderson tags in, and chokes Sting. Anderson with a back elbow and a 2-count. Anderson tags in Ray, who does his jumping punch, followed by a bodyslam and a 2. Ray with another 2 off an elbow. Ray now has Sting in a neck vice and tags Anderson back in. Anderson starts attacking Sting’s leg and gets another 2. Ray is back in and hits a jumping axe handle and a bodyslam. Ray goes for the middle rope senton that he always does yet Tenay says is rare for Ray, but misses. Angle tags in and hits the German suplexes made famous by that guy who never existed. Ray with a chop block on Angle, but Sting throws him out. Stinger Splash on Anderson, who then takes the Angle Slam for 3.

WINNERS: Kurt Angle and Sting. Yet another short, overbooked mess this evening. Complimented the nonsense promo theme well. The faces shake each other’s hand. Angle pulls Sting in, and Sting says, “Have I gone too far, or not far enough?” Um…yeah.

End of show.

You know, I would love nothing more than to support TNA and thus support mainstream wrestling in the U.S. on a whole, but with shows like tonight’s episode, it’s damn near impossible. Even the X-Division title match, which should have been impossible to screw up, was lousy. You have two of your best talents face each other, and instead of giving them a sold 10 minutes or so, you give them less than 5 minutes and tell the champion to use a lot of generic offense. Sigh.

Full TNA Impact Wrestling July 21 Results
Rob Van Dam defeated Scott Steiner
Miss Tessmacher and Tara defeated Sarita and Rosita to win the TNA Knockouts Tag Titles
Mickie James vs. Velvet Sky ended in a no contest
Matt Morgan beat AJ Styles, Gunner, and Samoa Joe in a ladder match for 10 Bound For Glory Series points
Kurt Angle and Sting defeated Bully Ray and Ken Anderson

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com, where I have plenty of new stuff up, including a look at my tattoo collection, for those of you that like body art. Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Gerri Davis Banner, NPC National Level Heavyweight and Masters Female Bodybuilder

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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