Welcome to the 12/29/11 edition of Impact Wrestling. Before I begin, I want to thank Eric for letting me write my piece on “Dr. Death” Steve Williams earlier today, and I would also like to thank everyone for their positive feedback on the piece. Writing that article meant a lot to me and was very cathartic, and I’m glad that you guys enjoyed reading it.

This week’s show starts off with a recap of the events last week, namely the Jarretts getting fired and Madison Rayne being named the new executive V.P. of the Knockouts division.

In the Impact Zone, Knockouts Tag Team Champions Madison Rayne and Gail Kim (who is also the Knockouts Champion) make their way down to the ring. Jeebus, help me, as Madison immediately grabs a microphone. She calls TNT out oh so eloquently by screaming “Ring! Now. NOW!” Tara and Tessy make their way out, holding hands for whatever reason. Tara is complaining about how her ears hurt from listening to Rayne. For the first time in a long time, Tara looks damn good right now. They get in the ring, and Rayne addresses them as “Ladies. Or not.” Is that supposed to be clever? Madison says the longer they drag this out, the longer they are susceptible to the diseases TNT are carrying right now. She told them last week that if they screwed with her, they were both going to be fired. They screwed with her, and now they’re fired. Rayne continues to scream that they are fired as Sting’s music hits.

Sting comes out, microphone in hand. Rayne tells him there’s no need for him to be here, as she’s totally in control. Sting says it’s not over until he says so. When Karen Jarrett was the V.P. of the division, she was so because she had a legally binding contract, something Rayne does not have. Sting tells Rayne she has no power. Rayne responds by screeching. Sting screeches back in her face. He then screams at Gail Kim that she will be defending the Knockouts title tonight. Mickie James’ music hits as Rayne continues to scream. Mickie comes out and blows a kiss to the ring. Is it just me, or does she look a hell of a lot like Karen Jarrett right now? What is with her, Karen and Rayne all resembling each other lately? Sting tells Rayne he’s keeping his eye on her tonight.

Backstage, we see Scott Steiner consorting with his “Wild Card” tournament partner, Abyss. Steiner says, “Piss off says thanks. Two down. We’re were were at.” Steiner tells Abyss they’re the best team in the tournament, and he needs “The Monster” in this thing. Abyss calmly pats him on the shoulder and very quietly says “We’re a team.”

MATCH 1-“Wild Card” tournament semifinal: Abyss and Scott Steiner vs. Kazarian and AJ Styles
You know, I really miss when promotions would actually show tournament brackets on their TV shows. As a kid, I used to love copying them down on paper and keeping track of them. I guess that’s just me, though. Steiner and Kaz start things off. Steiner flexes the biceps a bit, then yells at Styles. Kaz and Steiner finally tie up, with Steiner powering Kaz down. Boot to the stomach and a corner whip send Kaz down again. Steiner lays in a chop. Kaz ducks a clothesline and hooks Steiner in a crucifix for 2. Steiner telegraphs a back body drop, allowing Kaz to hit a spinning heel kick for 2. Styles tags in and he lays in some punches. He runs into a back elbow, but hits a nice dropkick off the ropes. Steiner rakes the eyes and tags in Abyss. Styles goes for chops and kicks to the leg, but Abyss pushes Styles back to the corner with one hand. Styles gets the feet up on a charge, but runs right into a clothesline. Abyss with a forearm to the back. He goes for an over-the-shoulder powerslam, but Styles slides out and hits an enziguri. Abyss is dazed, but still on his feet. Steiner kicks Styles in the back as he goes to bounce off the ropes, and Abyss picks him up for the Shock Treatment, which connects. Abyss chokes Styles over the middle rope before tagging in Steiner. Steiner comes in with a boot to the gut and a spinning belly-to-belly suplex for 2. Steiner goes back to the forearms and chops. Styles comes off with a sunset flip for 2 off the ropes, and follows with a small package for another 2. Steiner gets back up and lands an overhead belly-to-belly. Styles ducks a clothesline and hits the Pele. Abyss and Kaz both tag in. Kaz hits a springboard back elbow and a dropkick. He slides out of the way of a corner charge and hits a springboard seated missile dropkick. A springboard tornado DDT gets 2. Kaz goes for a move off the second rope, but Abyss catches him by the throat. He goes for a chokeslam, but Kaz reverses into a victory roll for 2. Back up, Kaz runs right into Abyss’ hand, allowing Abyss to hit the chokeslam. Abyss knocks Styles off the apron, then tags in Steiner. Steiner goes towards Kaz, but Abyss pulls him back right into the Black Hole Slam. He drags Kaz over Steiner, and the referee counts 3.

WINNERS: Kazarian and Styles. After the match, Bully Ray immediately comes down to the ring and starts yelling at Abyss. Before we can see what happens next, we get commercials.

Go to hell, iJustine.

After the break, Blubber Ray has a microphone, asking Abyss what the hell that was. He’s tired of this, and he’s tired of Abyss pushing him and Steiner around. He says Abyss is the bully around here, and this is a load of crap. There was no reason to do that. They got him girls. He couldn’t get girls on his own. They helped him win matches. What does he want, money? What’s he going to do with money, buy more rags? (Don’t ask me what he means) He then tells Abyss to “knock the bass out of that look”. Whatever. Abyss grabs the microphone out of his hand. Ray continues to yell at Abyss, asking what he wants to get him back in Immortal. Abyss asks him if he really wants to know. He wants Ray one-on-one at Genesis. If Ray beats him at Genesis, he’ll rejoin Immortal, no questions asked. Ray continues to run his fat mouth in response to this. Abyss tells him the match at Genesis will be by his rules, which will be a Monster’s Ball. If you don’t know what Monster’s Ball is, it’s nothing more than a hardcore match.

Backstage, we see Sting and Kurt Angle talking. Angle talks about what he did last week in the bar. He wants to know what he’s supposed to do tonight. Sting wants him to have a wrestling match tonight, and since Angle’s so into kicking, he needs to face someone who does kicking really well. Folklore has it that, in the past, this person once kicked Angle so hard in the face he split him from his forehead to his knows. Angle stops smiling and says he’s not doing this. Sting tells him he is. Angle says he’s not getting in the ring with RVD tonight.

Up next, Anthony Nese and Zema Ion face each other in the final match of their 3-match series.

Backstage, Ric Flair and Gunner are talking to Anonymous Interviewer, who apparently asked them what was on their minds prior to the cameras actually rolling. Flair says what’s on their mind is making Gunner the biggest name in wrestling, and how you do that is sending people out of the building every night saying “holy you-know-what”. Flair lists everything Gunner’s been doing lately, saying it all makes him a really, really bad man. Gunner points at an ambulance behind him and says tonight, it will be the third time someone gets carted out of here because of him. TNA will realize Gunner’s a killer and going to the top. Flair says he’s going to be the man. L. Ron Hubbard help us.

Before the next match, we see that X-Division Champion Austin Aries is on commentary.

MATCH 2-Match 3 in a best-of-3 series, with the winner moves onto the 4-way for the World X-Division Championship at Genesis; Contract-on-a-Pole Match: Zema Ion vs. Anthony Nese
I still say Nese looks like a smaller version of Chris Masters. I just now see that there’s a pole in the corner with a contract hanging from it. Just so we’re clear, the item-on-a-pole match concept is one of the stupidest match concepts in pro wrestling history. Nese immediately goes toward the pole, but Ion blocks him. He knocks Nese down and goes for it himself. Nese blocks him. They trade a few holds. Nese mule kicks Ion in the gut out of the corner and goes up, but Ion whips him down to the mat face-first. Ion hits a boot. Nese escapes a clothesline by falling back to the mat and kipping back up. Nice little move there. He hits a series of kicks on Ion, knocking him down. He looks towards the pole, but Ion grabs him by the foot. Nese kicks him off, hits a corner back elbow and a face wash. Nese goes towards the corner, but Ion dropkicks him in the back, sending him into the turnbuckles. Nese looks like he may have busted his nose or lip open. Ion goes to charge at Nese, but he low bridges, sending Ion to the floor. Ion pulls him to the mat and sends him into the apron, but Nese blocks with his foot, hits a back elbow, and an Asai moonsault off the apron. Nese walks back to the ring and begins to climb the post. He almost gets the contract, but Ion gets back in the ring and crotches him on the top turnbuckle. Ion tries to climb up Nese’s back to get the contract, but Nese grabs him by the waist and throws Ion off into a release German suplex while staying hooked on the turnbuckles. Nese gets back to his feet and almost gets the contract, but Ion pops up and shoves him off, sending him to the guardrail. Ion easily climbs up and gets the contract.

WINNER: Zema Ion. Decent match, despite the stupid stipulation.

MATCH 3: Douglas Williams vs. Gunner (w/Ric Flair)
Based on Gunner’s new gimmick, I’m going to assume that Williams has been released and will be injured here in order to remove him from television. I haven’t heard anything about Williams being released, but until a week or so ago, I had forgotten he still even worked here. Damn shame, too, as he’s one of the best all-around performers in this company. Anyway, they trade some moves right off the bat, and Gunner goes for a knee lift and some elbow strikes. Williams gets him in the corner and lands a couple of European uppercuts and a kick to the knee. Gunner gets back on offense with a clothesline from behind and a foot choke over the bottom rope. Gunner hits some rear crossface shots, but Williams comes back with another pair of uppercuts. He goes for the Chaos Theory, but Gunner reverses and sends Williams shoulder-first into the post, sending him to the floor. Gunner pushes referee Brian Hebner to the mat as he goes outside, leading to the DQ.

WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Douglas Williams. Gunner goes outside and holds Williams up, allowing Flair to kick him in the nuts. Gunner pulls up the mat on the outside and hits a DDT on the concrete, only slightly less botched from last week.

Backstage, we see that World Champion Bobby Roode has made his way into the building.

We get the same Bobby Roode video package we’ve been seeing for weeks, with commentary from his friends and family. It’s crap like that that’s making it hard for a lot of fans to take Roode seriously as the top heel.

Back in the Impact Zone, Roode is making his way down to the ring. Roode says that over the last several weeks, a lot of people have been expressing their opinions of him, and some of those opinions have been from his family and friends. There is one friend in particular who took the time to come on the show and say something about him, calling him selfish. Tell him something he doesn’t know. He’s the leader of the selfish generation, the ‘it’ factor in professional wrestling and the World Champion. He spent some money and flew this friend in from Toronto tonight, and he can tell him face-to-face how he really feels. His name is Tracy Kaleski, someone who Roode has known for over 20 years. He’s also apparently a pro athlete, as he’s a pro lacrosse player. We see Tracy in the crowd, who climbs over the guardrail and into the ring. Roode apologizes, as Tracy’s been trying to contact him, but Roode’s been busy being the World Heavyweight Champion. He’s flown Tracy here so he can tell Roode how he really feels to his face. He gets a microphone for Tracy. Tracy asks who this person is that Roode has become. His family doesn’t know who he is anymore. Roode is the least selfish person he knows, and wants to know who he’s become. It’s obvious this guy has never done an interview before, as he’s like a deer in headlights here. Tracy says Roode’s family has been asking about him and where he’s been. He can still come home and make things right. Roode says he’s wearing a $3,000 suit and has a $25,000 piece of gold over his shoulder. Where? All I see is a gold-plated hunk of metal that’s falling apart on his shoulder. Roode says Tracy’s been his lackey all these years, and the only reason anyone would ever talk to him was due to his association with Roode. Let’s talk about Roode’s family. His parents say they miss him, but where have they been his whole life? They’re only coming out now is because they want his money and his success, just like Tracy. Where’s his sister been the last 35 years? Nowhere. Don’t ever talk about his kids. Everyone has had their fifteen minutes of fame, and according to his Rolex, time’s up. Tracy tries to leave the ring, so Roode grabs him by the throat and slams him into the mat. He begins stomping on Tracy as Meth Hardy runs down to the ring, chasing Roode off. I find it funny Hardy is still in his street clothes, yet managed to take the time to paint half his face.

Backstage, we see Eric Young talking to ODB about their match in the “Wild Card” tournament tonight. He calls them the best team in the company, then rambles about tag team wrestling and strategy. ODB is drinking from a flask as Young continues to ramble about nothing. Young asks for a kiss. Someone please script his promos for him. Quit letting him riff like this.

John Carter? What the hell kind of name is that for an action movie? I don’t care if it’s made by Disney; it still sucks.

Kurt Angle is in a locker room, bitching to Anonymous Interviewer about wrestling Rob Van Dam tonight. Oh, and the incident Sting was talking about earlier, where RVD split Angle open from his forehead to his nose some years ago? According to Angle, that split started at the top of his head and went all the way down to his chin. You would think the guy would have one hideously massive scar as a result of an injury that severe. Angle says RVD doesn’t know how to wrestle. This is not fair, and Sting is not fair. His career has turned south since Sting took over. He is a wrestler. He is better than ever. If guys like RVD and James Storm want to wrestle him, wrestle him. Get in the ring and wrestle.

Christy Hemme looks dumb as hell in her “Happy New Year” top hat, contrary to what Taz thinks.

MATCH 4-“Wild Card” tournament semifinal: Magnus and Samoa Joe vs. ODB and Eric Young
Young locks up with Mike Tenay on the way to the ring. Tenay does what he does best, and that’s look like a complete tool. Young and Magnus will start the match off. Before Young does a thing, though, he tags in ODB, whose jugs appear to get larger with each passing week. Magnus circles her, checking her out in the process. ODB then does the same to him, smacking him on the ass, before slapping him in the face and chest. Magnus goes for a clothesline, but ODB ducks and motorboats him. Magnus seems to like it. ODB hits a Thesz Press, and upon landing, her and Magnus roll around on the mat for a bit. Joe is looking on with a look that says he’d rather be any place else in the world right now. Young tags in, despite ODB not wanting him to. He immediately takes off his wrestling shorts. It’s times like this we need Art Donovan on commentary again. Young spears Magnus down. Magnus goes for a corner whip and charge, but Young hops over the top rope onto the apron, gets back in and hits a spinning belly-to-belly for 2. Young bounces off the ropes, and Joe kicks him in the back in the process. Magnus hits a big boot and some stomps, followed by a running back elbow in the corner. Joe tags in and punches Young a bunch of times, followed by a hip bump in the corner and a spinning enziguri. He snapmares Young over as Magnus comes off the middle rope with an elbow drop. Joe goes for the pin, but only gets 2. Joe hits a big clothesline off the ropes for another 2. Joe fires off more punches, but misses an avalanche. Young hits a running forearm for 2 before Magnus breaks it up. ODB dropkicks him out of the ring. She takes a swig off her flask while looking at Joe as Young climbs the top rope from behind. Magnus gets back in the ring and throws her shoulder-first into the corner, sending her to the floor and crotching Young on the top rope. Joe picks Young up for the Muscle Buster, and this one’s over.

WINNERS: Magnus and Samoa Joe. As strange as it may be, Magnus and Joe could actually be a solid team if they continue teaming after this tournament. They actually have a bit of chemistry together.

Angle/RVD is next.

Back from the break, Anonymous Interviewer is asking Mickie James what she learned from her last match with Gail Kim, and how she’ll use that knowledge tonight. James says she already knew Kim was a great competitor, but this last time, she got a better feel for the way she moves and her motions and stuff. Yes, she actually said “and stuff”. She feels like she has a better grip on things, and has a pretty good idea of what tactics Gail Kim will “distort to” to win this match. She’s pretty confident, she knows Gail Kim is a great competitor, but she also knows she’s better. Interviewer asks her some question about “gear”, and James responds by saying every woman on the roster has been champion at some point, and the Knockouts title is what they’re all fighting for. I’m not sure what that had to do with gear, and I’m not sure what gear it was Interviewer was even talking about.

MATCH 5: Kurt Angle vs. Rob Van Dam
Angle’s out first, and he looks skinnier and sicker than ever. Well, except for his stomach, which appears distended. RVD settles on a side headlock to start. Angle throws him off, and they trade a couple reversals. Another tie-up, and Angle backs RVD into the corner before raking the eyes. RVD stops a corner whip and goes for a roundhouse. Angle catches the foot, so RVD brings up the other leg. Angle ducks, and RVD keeps moving, turning it into a pin attempt for 2. Back up, Angle eats a thrust kick to the chest and a spinning corner dropkick for another 2. RVD hits another kick, this time to the head, and follows with Rolling Thunder for 2. Another kick in the corner and a forearm shot. Angle comes back with punches, but RVD gets a corner whip and a roundhouse in the corner. He bounces off the ropes and gets caught by Angle, who hits an overhead belly-to-belly. Angle with a standard suplex for another 2. He goes into a waistlock now as RVD fights his way back to his feet. RVD tries to elbow out, but Angle breaks the hold and hits a forearm to the back of the head. He whips RVD in the corner, but runs right into a spinning dropkick. RVD with some punches, a pair of clothesline and a corner whip. He goes for a monkey flip out of the corner, but Angle counters into a back suplex for 2. Angle sets up for the Last Call and attempts to connect it, looking completely ridiculous in the process. RVD ducks and hits a roundhouse kick. He goes up for the Five-Star Frog Splash, but Angle rolls out of the way and puts RVD in the ankle lock. As the referee is checking on RVD, James Storm comes into the ring and knocks Angle out with the Last Call, causing the DQ.

WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Kurt Angle. Looking at the replay, Storm didn’t even come within six inches of hitting Angle in the face with that move, and Angle didn’t even try to hide the fact that he was blocking the move with his hands.

Knockouts title match is next.

These commercials featuring the Knockouts trying to sell TNA merchandise while dressed up like slutty elves are not hot or sexy, no matter how much TNA would like you to believe they are. This is especially true when half the Knockouts have really goofy looks on their faces the entire time.

Back from the break, we’ve got RVD talking to Anonymous Interviewer backstage about what just happened. RVD says wrestling Angle is a test and he loves to test himself. They’ve already got a video package put together for the match that just happened, complete with ominous music. You know, this would be fine if the match happened several months ago or a feud had been going on for months, but this match JUST HAPPENED. It’s been over for less than 10 minutes, yet this is the type of video you would normally show for a feud lasting at least a month. Anyway, segue over to Angle in another backstage area, who calls Storm a moron who is messing with the wrong guy. He makes one of the stupidest comments I’ve ever heard when he says that “The Last Call isn’t a wrestling move; it’s a bar fight move.” When have you EVER seen someone attempt a superkick in a bar fight? Angle says kicking someone in the head isn’t wrestling, and Storm isn’t a wrestler. Segue over to James Storm. Anonymous asks him about the Last Call. Storm makes some comment about how, when you mess with a person’s close friends, you’re messing with their family, and Kurt Angle “drank a Last Call cowboy boot.” Yeah, I don’t know, either. Back to Angle, who says the first match with Storm didn’t count, and he’ll win the last one.

Apparently, the Knockouts are getting the main event slot here. Based on that, I’d be willing to bet that the title changes hands here tonight, despite Gail Kim barely getting a chance to run with it.

MATCH 6-Knockouts Championship: Mickie James vs. Champion Gail Kim
Have I mentioned I hate the jerky way Mickie James moves during her opening routine? It looks really stupid. Just saying. JB announces this match is for the Knockouts Ladies Championship, as opposed to the Knockouts Gentleman’s Championship. Thanks for clearing that up, Bloated Ken Doll. We get the formal introductions here, and I learn that Mickie’s name is actually “Mickie Chames”, and she’s from “Richman, Farchinia”. Can anyone tell me where Farchinia is? Is it anywhere near the Crimson Chin’s home of Chincinnati? After the bell rings, James gets in a couple of quick pin attempts. After some forearms, she hits a Thesz Press and some mounted punches. James with a kick and a forearm. Kim gets her in the corner and charges, but winds up eating a Tunacanrana from James (pun fully intended). James hits a low dropkick, sending Kim to the floor. She misses a baseball slide to the floor, but manages to hit a neckbreaker on the outside. Commercials.

Back from the break, the women are trading blows at ringside. James throws Kim back into the ring, but gets dropkicked in the knee as she tries to re-enter herself. Kim hits a running boot, sending James to the floor. James climbs back in, and Kim cuts her off with some kicks and a suspended facebuster. She whips James face-first into the middle turnbuckle, then does it again in the opposite corner. Kim hits a short-arm clothesline for 2. James fights back with some forearms, but gets whipped down by the hair. Kim locks in a hammerlock, but James manages to roll through, get to her feet and arm drag Kim off. As she gets back up, Kim takes her down with a clothesline. James fights back with some punches and an uppercut. Kim comes back with an Iron Octopus out of the corner, which takes James down. James manages to roll into the ropes to get the break. James reverses a corner whip, but runs into a back elbow. Kim locks the Octopus on again, but James holds on and backs her into the corner, trying to break the hold. It fails, and Kim takes her down to the mat with the hold. James lays back and turns it into a pinning combination, getting 2. Kim nails a kick from the laying position. She whips James into the corner, hits a running shoulder thrust to the midsection, and follows up with a seated missile dropkick for 2. Kim goes for Eat Defeat (which is what she is apparently calling it in TNA as well, as Tenay just called it that), but James reverses into a botched Mick Kick. She sidesteps Kim off a corner charge, then throws her into the corner. Pair of clothesline, a forearm and a terrible flapjack follow. James goes up for the top rope Thesz Press, but Kim rolls to the floor. James hits the move to the floor instead, completely screwing it up in the process. James is now limping. She throws Kim back into the ring and crawls in. Kim slides to the floor, and referee Brian Hebner goes out to check on her. From behind, a woman in facepaint and a hoodie comes in and hits James with a botched Rayne Drop before sliding under the ring to hide. Kim gets back in the ring and gets the 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Gail Kim. After the match, the camera zooms in on the woman, who has poked her head out to give Kim a thumb’s up. Shock of shocks, despite the face paint, you can clearly see it’s Madison Rayne, which pretty much defeats the entire purpose of this. And, now that I’ve seen this, I have to laugh at all the idiots who were wondering if this “mystery woman” was Melina.

End of show.

So, that’s the last episode of TNA for the year. Only about 20 more episodes to go since the world is ending in May according to the Mayan calendar. And as we all know, the Mayans have never been wrong. Except for, you know, all the times they were, which was more often than the times they were right.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx, and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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Welcome to the 12/15/11 edition of Impact Wrestling. We start the show with highlights from Final Resolution, which sounded like a pretty terrible show overall. Tonight isn’t looking better, as we will see the start of a wild card tag team tournament to determine new #1 contenders for the World Tag Team titles. In the Impact Zone, Mike Tenay informs us we will be starting things off with a Final Resolution 5-minute “Overtime” match for the World title as Roode will once again defend the belt against AJ Styles. Wait. You mean they’re not waiting 30-60 minutes to feature the first match? Another Festivus miracle!

MATCH 1-World Championship (5-minute time limit): AJ Styles vs. Champion Bobby Roode
While I applaud TNA for finally starting a show with not only a match but a World title match, the fact that this match is only guaranteed a maximum of 5 minutes isn’t a good sign. Something’s wrong with the camera work here. It feels, for lack of a better word, fuzzy. After the bell, Roode immediately goes to the floor. Styles follows and lands a punch. Styles gets Roode back in the ring and hits a springboard cross body for 1. Pair of hard corner whips and a back body drop gets 2. Styles goes into a hip throw, followed by a side headlock. Roode reverses into a headscissors, and the sequence is repeated 2 more times. Styles goes for the side headlock again. Roode tries for a leg breaker, but Styles reverses into a sunset flip for 2. We’re down to less than 3 minutes. Roode with a single-leg takedown, but Styles kicks Roode off into the corner. He lays in some punches, knife edges and stomps. Roode kicks at Styles’ injured leg, taking him down immediately. Roode drags Styles to the ring post and goes outside to wrap the leg around the post, but Styles pushes him off into the guardrail. Styles gets back up and goes for a slingshot dive, but Roode sees it coming. Styles lands on his feet on the apron, but Roode clips the bad leg and sends Styles to the floor before sliding back into the ring. Styles gets back in, where Roode grabs the bad leg and slams it into the mat before stomping on it a bit. Styles kicks him off and hits a hurricanrana from the mat. He goes to the middle rope and hits the moonsault inverted DDT. He goes for a pin, but Roode gets his foot on the rope for 2. One of the best moonsault DDTs Styles has ever hit, honestly. Roode thumbs Styles in the eye and slides to the floor as we’ve got less than 20 seconds. Roode tries to do it again after getting back in the ring, but Styles Pele’s him from the floor, knocking him out. There’s less than 10 seconds left. Styles hits the springboard 450 splash, but the bell rings right as Styles gets back up.

WINNER: No contest via time-limit draw. After the match, the crowd is once more chanting “5 more minutes”. Of course, this causes Sting to make his way out, complete with one of the ugliest jackets you have ever seen in your life. It makes Sting’s old Sgt. Pepper jackets look like Armani suits in comparison. Sting says we can do this all night long, and says that the first fall wins it. I guess this means the match is restarted.

Bell rings and Roode immediately clips Styles’ bad leg before locking on a sweet single-leg Boston crab. He’s sitting down on Styles as much as possible, and Styles quickly taps.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Bobby Roode. Considering the match (counting the restart) was less than 6 minutes, this was some solid stuff. Too bad TNA can’t give us TV matches like this more frequently.

Back from commercials, we see Bobby Roode in the back, talking to Anonymous Interviewer. He says it doesn’t matter how long it takes as long as you get the job done, and tonight, he got the job done. Sting wants to come out and put another 5 minutes on the clock, guess what? Roode did it again. This cuts over to AJ Styles, who says he was “that close” to winning the belt again. Cut back to Roode. Styles tried to beat him, but he couldn’t get the job done. The difference between them is Roode gets the job done. Jeff Hardy wants a shot? Good. He’s ready for Jeff Hardy.

MATCH 2-“Wild Card” Tournament Quarterfinal: Hernandez and Robbie T (with Rosita and Sarita) vs. Abyss and Scott Steiner
I guess Terry is officially going by “Robbie T” now. That’s so original. Before Abyss and Steiner come out, we see them talking in the back. Steiner says he’s under direct orders from Mr. Bischoff to make this work tonight, but he still owes Abyss. “I agree with Bischoff that you’re better, you make us better. I got your own music. Team, right? Team, right? Let’s go get ‘em! You’re a monster, let’s go get ‘em! We’re a team, right? Come on!” Not one of Steiner’s best efforts there. I’m very disappointed. Perhaps he can redeem himself later. They make their way to the ring, and the match gets started. Steiner and Hernandez start for their teams. Steiner with a boot to the gut, a throw to the corner, some boots, a chop and a punch. Another chop. Corner charge and corner clothesline send Hernandez to the floor in the corner. Hernandez boots Steiner and backflips up to the top rope, but Steiner cuts him off with a middle rope overhead belly-to-belly superplex. Robbie runs in, but Steiner catches him with a belly-to-belly, followed by a clothesline on Hernandez. Steiner hits the posing elbow drop, but breaks it to do some pushups. Why do referees always yell at him for breaking his own pin? Since when is that illegal? Steiner asks Abyss for a tag, but Abyss doesn’t care. Steiner turns around into a clothesline from Robbie. Hernandez chokes Steiner with his t-shirt. For a second there, it looked like Hernandez is missing some teeth. Hernandez with some shoulder thrusts in the corner before tagging in Robbie. Hernandez whips Robbie into Steiner in the corner, then follows up with an avalanche. Hernandez whips Steiner into Robbie, who catches him with a bodyslam before dropping Hernandez into a gourdbuster onto Steiner for 2. Hernandez tags in, and they hit a double shoulder block on Steiner. Abyss made a blind tag in off the rope bounce. The heels turn around into a double clothesline. Abyss with more clotheslines and a pair of avalanches. Hernandez gets hit with a chokeslam. Robbie attacks from behind, but runs right into the Black Hole Slam. He points at Steiner instead of going for the pin, then tags him in. Steiner makes the pin and gets the 3. Great, except Robbie T wasn’t legal.

WINNERS: Abyss and Scott Steiner. Steiner goes to leave the ring, but Abyss pulls him back in and raises his arm in victory. Steiner looks on in confusion before going back to celebrating.

We see Kurt Angle walking around backstage, being followed by Anonymous Interviewer. Angle turns toward the camera and says he’s had just about enough of Sting. It’s time for him to do something about it.

Kurt Angle makes his way out to the ring. He calls Sting out immediately, because he’s got a few things to get off his chest. Sting’s music hits and he makes his way down. Do you find it funny that Sting immediately stopped being crazy the second he beat Hogan? Apparently, TNA forgot all about the crazy man gimmick. Angle says he’s going to tell Sting why he called him out, but for the first time in his life, Sting’s going to shut up and listen. First of all, he gets booked in a World title match with James Storm with less than 90 minutes to prepare, and Storm screws him with a loaded boot to the chin. Same thing happened in their rematch at Final Resolution. He’s Kurt freaking Angle, the master of every submission hold known to man. He could make Sting cry for his mommy, but he’s not going to do that. All he wants is his rematch with James Storm, and Sting’s going to give it to him. Sting thinks Angle is kidding. Storm says it’s time for everyone to cowboy up around here, including Angle. Sting says Storm is done with Angle, and it’s time for him to move onward and upward to Bobby Roode. Ta-ta for now. Angle tells Sting it seems like he has it out for him and Bobby Roode. He likes the way Storm plays cowboy. Maybe Angle should play cowboy. Maybe he’ll go to Storm’s hometown and beat the crap out of everyone there. Maybe that will make Storm accept and see he’s a bigger badass than Storm could ever dream of being. Ta-ta for now.

MATCH 3-Match 1 in a Best-of-3 Series: Anthony Nese vs. Zema Ion
Apparently, the winner of this 3-match series goes onto Genesis in a 4-way for the X-Division title, which also includes champion Austin Aries, Kid Kash and Jesse Sorensen. Nese immediately with a waistlock takedown. Ion battles out, but runs into a pair of arm drags. Nese hits a modified shining wizard for 2. Ion comes back with a knee to the gut, but runs into a jumping spin kick. Nese trips him up and hits an inside-out Asai moonsault, followed by a running knee to the gut in the corner and a running knee on the mat, sending Ion to the floor. Nese follows up with a running somersault plancha to the floor. Nese throws Ion back in and hits a springboard clothesline for another 2. Nese looks like a smaller Chris Masters. Nese runs into a boot out of the corner. Ion goes up top, but Nese hits a kick and a roll into a European uppercut while Ion is still on the turnbuckle. Nese jumps to the top and goes for a hurricanrana, but Ion holds on and hits a seated missile dropkick. Ion follows up with an inverted atomic drop and a strange-looking dropkick. He goes for the pin, but pulls Nese’s head up to break it. Ion hits a back suplex into a facebreaker and goes for a pin, but pulls Nese up again. He drags Nese to the corner to set up for the 450, which does connect. Ion holds onto the pin this time and gets the 3.

WINNER: Zema Ion. Not a bad match, although Nese completely dominated until the last 60 seconds or so. The score is 1-0 for Ion.

Backstage, we see Karen and Jeff Diet Shasta Orange walk into the building. Karen’s already in mid-sentence by the time they open the door. She says everything tonight stinks. Jeff calls it the biggest “clustermess in the entire world”. 2 days before his match with Hardy, Sting added the stipulation that if he got beat, Hardy became #1 contender to the World title. Actually, going by TV, it was 3 days, Jeff. Anyway, Jeff continues onto say that Sting is firing one of them tonight. Karen says that won’t happen because she’s bowing out and going home. Jeff says he’s going to do it. They then argue about who’s going home. A stagehand comes up and says Sting wants to talk to Jeff in about an hour. They continue to argue over who’s going home.

Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice (I feel really old now)…Zema Ion is celebrating backstage. Anonymous Interviewer is following him. Ion tells him he has the prettiest wrestling gear, the prettiest wrestling moves, and tonight, you saw the prettiest wrestling match by the prettiest wrestler in the company. He’s sick of waiting at home for opportunities, and tonight, he made the most of this one. From now on, it’s all about “Me, myself and Ion.”

Backstage, we see Ric Flair and Gunner. Flair says tonight’s the night he makes a name for himself. Jesse Neal’s a great wrestler, but in Gunner’s world, he doesn’t exist. Tonight, they make an example out of him.

MATCH 4: Jesse Neal vs. Gunner (w/Ric Flair)
I’m expecting Neal to take a botched piledriver on the floor tonight after he gets squashed. Call it a hunch. Gunner starts off with a trip and some punches to the head. Neal gets back up, and Gunner tackles him into the corner. Gunner with some punches, sending Neal to the mat. Gunner throws Neal into the opposite corner, sending him to the mat once again. Gunner stomps Neal’s wrist, then throws him over the top rope to the floor. Gunner follows him out. Earl Hebner tries to get between them, but Gunner throws him down, leading to the disqualification.

WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Jesse Neal. Ric Flair grabs Neal’s legs and knee drops him in the ‘nads. He pulls the floor mat up for Gunner, who instead of hitting a piledriver, only slightly botches a DDT on the floor instead. Well, I was close. EMTs and officials come out to check on Neal as Gunner screams “Broken!” at the crowd. Whatever. So long, Jesse Neal. We hardly knew ye.

Up next, Jeff Hardy. Great.

Holy hell. Just under an hour into this show and we’ve already had four matches. What universe is this? Back from the break, we see Sting and Karen Jarrett together. Karen is telling Sting he looks amazing, and this is the best he’s ever looked. Sting wants to know what she wants. She says he can’t fire her. There’s a hundred Jeff Jarretts out there. A hundred guys could take his spot. When God created her, he broke the mold. When he created Karen Jarrett, he broke the mold. She needs someone to watch the kids so she can be here and help him run the show. Sting says he’s known Jeff Jarrett since Jeff was a little kid. There’s no way we’re going to go through with this without hearing from him. He’s heard from her, so he’ll hear from him as well. Karen says she understands, but wants to make sure Sting knows where she’s coming from. He runs the show while she runs the Knockouts division. Sting says he does see where she’s coming from, and they’re good. After she leaves, Sting stops smiling and says, “Poor Jeff.” That whole segment really made sense when Karen Jarrett was begging Jeff to be sent home a few minutes ago. And yes, I get that her whole character is supposed to be an ass kisser and a gold digger. Too bad she has no idea how to play the role.

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Jeff Hardy comes out. He says he’s still sore from the cage match on Sunday. He bit his lip on the way out here (must’ve had a little bit of coke left on it), and now he’s the #1 contender. On the 8th day, Genesis, creatures become champions. Yeah, okay. He’s going to do everything in his power to make 2012 the most memorable year in his career. For some reason, Sabu’s music hits. Oh. It’s Blubber Ray’s music. Never mind. Blubber comes out and says Hardy is in an awfully good mood for somebody who has no clue who they’re fighting tonight. Blubber talks about tweeting and Twitter. Maybe if Hardy had more of a life, he’d be doing something more creative. He’ll give Hardy three guesses as to who he’s fighting tonight, but he’ll only need one. The biggest, baddest, most feared guy in this company today. Him. Someone who knows him better than just about anybody else, someone’s who’s been kicking Hardy’s head in for 15 years. Blubber’s not really that pissed off at Hardy. Actually, he has to thank him. Remember last year when Hardy couldn’t make it to that PPV main event because of his little “problem”? Remember that? The next day, Blubber took Hardy’s place in Immortal. He’s better than Jeff Hardy, and is going to prove it tonight. He’s not a stepping stone; he’s a freight train, and Hardy’s standing on his tracks.

Backstage, we see Samoa Joe talking to Magnus. Remember him? Joe says he doesn’t know anything about Magnus, and he doesn’t care to know Magnus. Magnus is the anchor attached to this opportunity, an opportunity for him. He doesn’t go around talking his way where he should be fighting his way, and Magnus better not stand in his way. Magnus tells Joe that, first of all, Joe needs to back up out of his face. He’s using the word opportunity a lot. He’s talking to somebody who doesn’t get any opportunities around here either. It’s either piss or get off the pot, and they need to go out there and win this tournament.

Up next, Joe and Magnus will face TV Champion Robbie E and Magnus’ partner, Douglas Williams, another guy that hasn’t been seen in months for no reason.

MATCH 5-“Wild Card” Tournament Quarterfinal: World Television Champion Robbie E and Douglas Williams vs. Magnus and Samoa Joe
Magnus looks a hell of a lot like Hugh Jackman. Just saying. Magnus and Williams start things off with a tie-up. Williams goes into a waistlock. They trade a few moves, including the headlock/head scissors sequence, leading into a stalemate. Williams with an arm wringer, and he tags in Robbie. Robbie with a kick to the arm, but gets cut off with a clothesline. Magnus goes to bounce off the ropes, but Williams knees him in the back. Williams tags in and whips Magnus into the corner, hits a running knee and a snap suplex. Robbie tags back in and hits a…a…well, I’m not sure. It looked like a headbutt, but then it looked like a forearm drop. Tenay says it’s a fist drop, so we’ll go with that. Granted, Tenay doesn’t know his ass from his elbow at this point. Robbie gets 2 before Joe breaks it up. Robbie hits a side-Russian legsweep into an STO for 2. Robbie goes for another move, but Magnus backdrops out of it. Robbie tags in Williams, who prevents Magnus from making the tag. He goes for the Chaos Theory, but Magnus holds onto the top turnbuckle and tags in Joe. Joe takes Williams down with a clothesline, a forearm shot, an inverted atomic drop and a running boot. He follows up with a running senton for 2. Williams hits a forearm, but runs into a powerslam. Joe goes for a pin, but Robbie tries to break it up with an elbow. Joe sees him coming and moves, causing Robbie to drop the elbow on Williams. Joe corner whips Robbie, but Robbie reverses. He goes to the middle rop again, but Joe casually walks out of the way. He gets Robbie in the corner, hits a back kick and a jumping kick to the head. Joe hits a snapmare, and Magnus hits a middle rope elbow from the opposite side. Williams climbs to the top rope, but Magnus sees him coming and falls into the ropes, crotching Williams. Joe picks Williams up in the Muscle Buster, hits it and gets the 3.

WINNERS: Magnus and Samoa Joe. Wait…what? Joe won a match? Really? Well, I’ll be damned.

Backstage, we now see Jeff Jarrett and Sting talking. Jeff says they’ve known each other for 25 years, and now it’s come to this. Who would’ve thought? He compliments Sting on the jacket. It’s been tough these last four days, and he knows Karen’s been talking to Sting and blowing his phone up. He says she’s anxious and nervous, and Sting has to know where she’s coming from. Sting has to know what firing Karen will do to her, so he begs Sting to let her down easy. Jeff says a woman has no place in this business, and besides that, Karen wants to be home with the kids. When Sting breaks the news to her, be as gentle and nice as possible. Sting asks if Jeff is sure Karen wants to stay at home with the kids. Jeff says the last year has been tough on her, and she’s understanding about being let go tonight, so be gentle with her. This whole double backstabbing angle is just so wonderful and creative and original. How much you want to bet Sting fires them both tonight instead of picking one? I mean, who the hell wouldn’t see that coming?

Back from commercials, we see Eric Young talking to Anonymous Interviewer. He’s in the tag tournament, then rambles on about a China hat and Chinese restaurants, then something about talking to his mom every morning. He continues to ramble on as ODB walks in on him. ODB informs him she’s his partner in the tournament. Young likes the idea as ODB shakes her jugs at him. Young continues his rambling.

Back in the Impact Zone, Devon makes his way out. We see some still photos of him and Pope getting beat by Crimson and Matt Morgan at Final Resolution. Devon calls Pope out, saying they need to talk about their situation. He wants to settle things right now. Pope makes his way out, accompanied by Devon’s kids, Terrence and Terrell. Devon says he doesn’t know what’s going on here, or why his boys are with Pope. They are his kids. Like any parent out here, he will take a bullet or stand in front of a bus to make sure their safety is number one. He was there when they were born, when they came home from the hospital, when they were sick, to put clothes on their back, to put food on the table. He gets up every morning to take them to school. He’s the one who is training them now. He understands Pope has to do what he has to do, but these are his boys. He’s going to train them his way, and bring them up his way. No disrespect to Pope, but this is over starting now. Let’s go home and train the right way. He loves his sons, and that’s all they need to know. He starts to drag his kids out of the ring, but Pope says Devon is going to listen to him now. These boys want a cool dad. They want someone who is with the times and can move forward. The difference between Devon and Pope is Devon wants to chauffeur them to parties, but when they’re with Pope, he gets them a limousine and let them be chauffeured. With Devon showing them old tapes of the “Bingo Hall”, what the hell are they supposed to learn from that? Devon can lose all the weight he wants, but he’ll never be as fly or as pimping as “The Pope”. That’s just the way it is, and they know that. Devon starts to walk away. Pope tells him not to walk away like Devon’s wife did. Pope says they should have been his seed, but don’t worry, because he and their mom are working on that. Devon’s had enough, and he decks Pope repeatedly. The boys step between them and hold Devon off. They share a group hug, which allows Pope to kick Devon square in the nuts from behind. Pope looks at Terrence and Terrell and smiles. They smile back and let Pope beat on Devon. They each put on a pair of Pope’s sunglasses and pick Devon up. Pope chalks up his hands for some reason, then begins smacking Devon around. The three of them stand over Devon triumphantly.

Up next, Traci Brooks vs. Madison Rayne.

Jesus Christ monkey balls. Who in the hell thought giving iJustine her own show was a good idea? Seriously, if you don’t know who this woman is, look her up on Twitter some time. I’d call her retarded, but that would imply that those who are mentally challenged aren’t smarter than her. Leave it to Spike TV.

Back from the break, we see Karen and Jeff Jarrett trying to calm each other down. Karen tells Jeff she told Sting that he’s irreplaceable here. No one can take his place. She, on the other hand, is replaceable. She says she told Sting she needs to be at home with the kids. Jeff says he told Sting that he knows a star when he sees one, and Karen Jarrett is a star. Women are put on a pedestal in this business. The stagehand from before shows up and says that Sting would like to see both of them immediately.

MATCH 6: Traci Brooks vs. Knockout Tag Team Co-Champion Madison Rayne
As Rayne makes her way onto the stage, Brooks runs from the ring and tackles her on the stage. She whips Rayne gut-first into the ring apron, then throws her in the ring. The match officially starts. Brooks with a hair whip and a clothesline in the corner, sending Rayne to the mat. Brooks chokes her with a foot, then her hands. Rayne trips Brooks, sending her into the middle rope. Forearm to the back, followed by a rope choke. Rayne puts Brooks on the bottom rope and chokes her with her knee. Rayne hits a neckbreaker across the middle rope, sending her to the floor. Brooks gets back in the ring on her own, and gets slammed face-first into the mat for 2. Rayne with a foot choke on the bottom turnbuckle. She props Brooks up, but misses a corner charge. Brooks hits a jawbreaker and a running knee into the ropes. Clothesline after that, but Rayne comes back with the knee. Rayne hits the Rayne Drop, but Brooks kicks out at 2. Stomp to the head after that, and that’s it.

WINNER: Madison Rayne. Win via a standard kick to the head? Really? Whatever.

Up next, Meth Hardy vs. Blubber Ray.

I love these commercials for limited edition coins. They talk about how in demand they are, how limited the supply is, etc., yet you NEVER see these commercials stop airing.

After the break, we see the Jarretts in Sting’s office. Jeff says he’s spent the entire night consoling Karen Jarrett, and 2012 will be the year of Karen Jarrett and Impact Wrestling. Karen says the opposite, saying she needs to be with the kids. Sting looks at them both and says he takes it neither one of them have seen a single segment of the show tonight. He’s confused because both of them said the opposite earlier tonight. Sting tells Karen what Jeff actually said. He then tells Jeff what Karen actually said. The happy couple accuses him of being a liar and just stirring the pot. Sting responds by showing them footage from earlier when he was with Karen, except it’s from a different camera angle than we saw. Because, you know, we needed TWO hidden cameras for those segments. We then see footage from Sting and Jeff, as the Jarretts yell and scream at each other incoherently. This is giving me a splitting headache. Sting tells them both to be quiet. He’s going to help them both right now by (wait for it) firing both of them.

Back in the Impact Zone, Taz and “Professor” are arguing about what just happened. All of a sudden, Bobby Roode’s music hits and he makes his way to the announce desk for some color commentary.

MATCH 7: Bully Ray vs. Jeff Hardy
Hardy comes out and not only high-fives one of the camera guys, but one of the stupidest-looking fans you’ve ever seen who is sitting in the front row. Just point that out. Bully Ray is now doing JBL’s cow moo as his taunt. I guess he needs to build his finisher meter early. As the bell rings, Ray immediately goes to work on Hardy with punches. He gets Hardy in the corner and fires off more punches. More punches, this time to the kidney. More punches. Ray ties Hardy up in the tree of woe and…hits more punches. Ray finally varies his offense for the evening and hits a delayed vertical suplex. Ray locks in a bearhug. Hardy elbows his way out, but runs into a back body drop for 2. Ray tries to pin him a couple more times, only getting 2 each time. Bodyslam near the corner, but Ray misses the Vader Bomb. Hardy comes back with punches, a running forearm, a clothesline and a hooking clothesline for 2. Ray reverses a corner whip, but takes a spinning headscissors out of the corner. Ray goes for the Bully Bomb, but Hardy reverses into the Twist of Fate for 2. Ray catches Hardy off the ropes with a sidewalk slam for 2. He misses a splash off the ropes. Hardy hits the Twist of Fate a second time, getting the 3.

WINNER: Jeff Hardy. After the match, Hardy points at Roode. Roode makes his way down as Ray and Hardy punch each other some more. Despite setting my DVR to go an extra five minutes here, it cut off at the punches, so I’m not sure what happened after that. I doubt I missed much.

End of show.

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-Dustin

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The 11/10/11 edition of Impact Wrestling starts off with a video recap of Bobby Roode not only winning the World title last week, but being pushed into a heel turn way too quickly and obviously. I didn’t notice Roode spit on Storm last week, but he apparently did.

We are once again “live” in Macon, GA. Things start off with the aforementioned Bobby Roode making his way down to the ring. Taz doesn’t understand why Roode did what he did. Probably because there was a World title at stake. Probably. Roode grabs a mic as the crowd is booing him heavily. Roode asks if they are booing him or chanting “ROODE”, because that’s what all of these morons were doing last week when they were cheering him on. Do they hate him because he killed Beer Money? Because all of these hillbillies would have done the same thing if given the opportunity he had? This is a new generation; a generation of selfishness, and Roode is the leader of the new generation. Doing things the right way in today’s society gets you nothing and nowhere. This is a dog-eat-dog world, and last week, he ate James Storm for lunch, and that stupid, sorry sonofabitch didn’t see it coming. It wasn’t his fault, and it’s on James. We cut to split screen where Storm is watching this on a monitor in the back. Roode says that, after 13 long, hard years, the opportunities he’s had only come along so often, so he made the most of the opportunity against his former tag team partner. Their hero, James Storm is in a hole in a wall somewhere, drowning his sorrows, while Roode is the new champion.

Storm makes his way down to the ring. Security tries to hold him off, but he takes a couple of them down before chasing Roode out of the ring. Sting makes his way out now. Sting looks really stupid wearing his wrestling gloves while in street clothes. He says tonight, he’s going to take the high road. There will be a World title rematch between Roode and Storm tonight. Roode screams “No!”

Tonight, A.J. Styles will wrestle Christopher Daniels yet again, while Knockout Tag Team Champions Gail Kim and Madison Rayne will defend against Mickie James and Knockouts Champion Velvet Sky. Remember what I said about Tara and Miss Tessmacher disappearing? Funny how they are the former champions, yet were completely overlooked for an immediate title re-match. That’s #TNASense for you. We will also see Eric Young and Ronnie from “Jersey Shore” take on Robbie E and Rob Terry. Cut to backstage where Young and Ronnie are walking around.

We get a video package hyping the impending Crimson/Matt Morgan match. Does anyone really give a damn about this match?

MATCH 1: D’Angelo Dinero vs. Crimson
I heard rumors Pope was leaving TNA a while back. Obviously, that’s not the case (not yet), but I’m not sure why. He’s clearly going nowhere in this company. Crimson’s back in red gear and has his hair dyed red once again. At least that makes sense. Seemed kind of pointless to call a blonde guy in white gear “Crimson”, after all. Tie up to start. Pope turns into an arm wringer. Crimson reverses. Pope reverses into a side headlock. Crimson with a shoulder block. Pope tries for a waistlock, but Crimson reverses into a side headlock. Pope reverses into one of his own. Pope with a kick to the knee and his sweet DDT for 2. Pope follows up with a fist drop and goes to the middle rope for another, which connects for another 2. Crimson comes back with punches, kicks and some knee strikes. Pope stops this with an uppercut. Pope goes to the middle rope again, but jumps off right into the Red Sky for 3.

WINNER: Crimson.

Gunner is in the back and tells Garrett Bischoff he’s going to teach him a lesson about disrespect. In Immortal, Eric Bischoff is at the top of the chain of command. Get ready, Garrett. This is going to be a walk in the park. Wait…doesn’t “a walk in the park” mean things are going to be easy? Let me check. Yes, yes it does. Clearly, Gunner didn’t think that promo through very well. Shock of shocks.

MATCH 2: Gunner (w/Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair) vs. Garrett Bischoff
If Garrett wins here, Sting gets to rewrite Eric Bischoff’s contract. If TNA knew a thing about logic, they’d save this match for PPV where it might get a few more buys, given the stipulations. Of course, this is TNA. Garrett comes out to no music and is in very generic gym clothes. Gunner starts the match by talking a bunch of trash, something he’s not very good at. Gunner talks to Ric and Eric at ringside before turning around into an armdrag from Garrett. Garrett with another one and a hip toss. Garrett hits a back body drop off the ropes. He goes for another Irish whip, but Gunner slides out of the ring. Flair runs into the ring and hits the referee, causing the disqualification.

WINNER: Garrett Bischoff. So, Sting gets to rewrite the contract now. Wow…what a great match. Really worth the payoff. I thought Tenay was going to have a heart attack as he was watching Garrett perform the most basic of moves. Reminds me of when Tony Schiavone did the same thing at WCW Bash at the Beach ’97 when Dennis Rodman performed the exact same moves. Thrilling television here, folks.

Backstage, Robbie E and Rob Terry are trying to get in Ronnie’s dressing room. You can tell it’s his dressing room with the paper sign taped to the door that simply says “Ronnie”. Classy environment here in TNA. The fat security guard is telling both of them no one is allowed in. Eric Young pops his head out and asks if they want t-shirts. Robbie E tells Ronnie he doesn’t want this embarrassment before asking Rob Terry to hold him back.

We’re reminded of the tag team match coming up featuring the four aforementioned toolboxes, as well as the World title rematch for later tonight. Because, you know, a rematch for the World title should not only be given away on free TV rather than on PPV where fans might pay to see it, but should also occur at the exact same set of tapings that the original match took place at. Yeah, that’s a great idea.

After some commercials for some random crap, we cut to the locker room where James Storm is knocked out, bleeding from the head. There is a turned-over chair laying next to him. I’m guessing this means the rematch won’t take place tonight? You mean to tell me TNA might actually do something semi-intelligent and hold this match off for a later date? Another Festivus miracle!

MATCH 3: Zema Ion vs. Jesse Sorensen
While I’m glad to see an X-Division match taking place here, it’s between two guys the fans mostly don’t care about, one of which hasn’t been seen on here in at least a month. Sorensen signs a football on the way to the ring. Yeah, I don’t know either. Sorensen starts with a pair of arm drags into an armbar. Ion knees his way out. Sorensen fires off a nice dropkick, sending Ion to the floor. Sorensen follows up with a plancha. Back in the ring, Sorensen hits a punch in the corner. Ion escapes out of a corner whip and hits a middle rope spinning cross body for 2. Sorensen goes for a back suplex, but Ion backflips out, puts Sorensen in the same position and flips him over into a facebuster over the knee. Ion goes up top, but misses the 450 Splash. Sorensen hits his weird-looking swinging neckbreaker, and this one’s over.

WINNER: Jesse Sorensen. Man, did they even get 3 minutes for this match? The shortness of some of these matches is just ridiculous. Kid Kash makes his way out and sarcastically calls Sorensen impressive, and “Mr. 10 Days In The Business”. Kash says he has 20 years in the business, and has done it all. No one ever gave him a damn thing, and he “took everything he ever gave” (?). He’s going to give Sorensen the opportunity of a lifetime. At Turning Point, he’s going to give Sorensen an X-Division title match against Austin Aries and Kid Kash in a 3-way dance. The contract’s only missing one signature, so if Sorensen wants it, sign it, superstar. Kash continues to beg him to sign it over and over. Sorensen signs it. Kash says he made the biggest mistake of his career. He says Sorensen’s mother is really proud of him, and tell her Kash says “thank you”. Sorensen attacks Kash, but Aries runs in and hits Sorensen with the belt from behind. He goes for the brainbuster, but instead throws Sorensen into Kash, allowing Kash to hit the Moneymaker. Who in the hell thought it would be a good idea to let Kash speak for that long?

Back in one of the locker rooms, Gail Kim is putting on makeup. Karen Jarrett tells her she’s beautiful and calls Madison Rayne pretty. She says Kim has the opportunity to beat Velvet down tonight. She then screams at Traci Brooks for almost blowing everything for them. Kim, Rayne and Jarrett share a hug.

I’m picking up Need For Speed: The Run and Assassin’s Creed Revelations next week. I’ll let you know how awesome they are.

MATCH 4-Knockouts Tag Team Championship: Mickie James and Knockouts Champion Velvet Sky vs. Champions Gail Kim and Madison Rayne (w/Traci Brooks and Karen Jarrett)
Before the match starts, Karen pushes Rayne into the ring and holds Gail Kim back, telling Rayne to handle things. Sky starts off with a tackle on Rayne, a forearm to the back and a kick to the but. Kim knocks Sky down from behind. Rayne telegraphs a back body drop. Sky kicks off before James temporarily forgets to tag in. She hits Rayne with a dropkick and a flapjack. She goes up top, but Kim knocks her off. Kim tags in now and whips Rayne into James in the corner. Rayne then does the same to Kim. Kim with a short-arm clothesline. James punches out of a front chancery and goes to tag in Sky, but is pulled down by her hair. Kim goes for another short-arm, but James reverses into what Mike Tenay called a “hangwoman’s-style” neckbreaker. Sky tags in, hits a clothesline, a facebuster and a bulldog. She then hits Kim with a really crappy looking neckbreaker-type thing. She sets up Kim for the DDT, but Karen Jarrett gets on the apron to distract the referee. Rayne comes in and tries to kick Sky, but Sky blocks it into a terrible-looking sit-out double-arm facebuster. She gets back up and walks right into Kim’s foot-to-the-face move that still doesn’t have a name in TNA yet. This gets 3.

WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: Gail Kim and Madison Rayne. Anyone else notice Madison Rayne’s tights look a lot like the gear “Bad Ass” Billy Gunn used to wear? Just saying. Seriously, why does she have a painting of lipstick on the ass of her tights? Is there a point to that?

Backstage, a doctor is checking on James Storm. Sting comes in wanting to know who did it. Storm says he’s fine before stumbling into some chairs. Sting says, if Storm’s fine, tell him what city they’re in. Storm screams that he’s fine.

Check out the full Camel Clutch Blog Pro Wrestling and MMA store for videos, t-shirts, books, and more.

We get a video recapping the oh-so wonderful feud between Eric Young and Robbie E, bro.

MATCH 5: Robbie E and Rob Terry vs. Ronnie and World Television Champion Eric Young
So, they took the time to make a video and song for Ronnie, who will be gone after this week, but couldn’t take the time to do the same for Garrett Bischoff, who will be with TNA until Eric Bischoff either quits or dies? Makes sense. Ronnie is clearly taking this seriously by coming out in jeans and a t-shirt. Last time I checked, this wasn’t a street fight, which renders the street clothes look ineffective. Robbie and Ronnie start off. Robbie immediately tags in Terry. Ronnie tags in Young. Just typing all of these names, a casual observer might think I was describing a gay porn rather than a wrestling match. Young tries for a shoulder block, but gets knocked on his ass. Young then tries to lock up with the referee. He hits a corner dropkick on Terry and goes for mounted punches. Terry carries him to the middle of the ring, where Young bites him. Terry hits a back body drop before tagging in Robbie. Robbie with a back elbow. Young fights back with some punches, but Robbie comes back with a knee lift. Terry tags back in and hits a forearm to the chest. Terry hoists Young up for the delayed vertical suplex, which connects. Robbie tags back in, and they hit a terrible version of the Demolition Decapitation for 2. Robbie spits in Ronnie’s face, causing Ronnie to come in and cause a distraction. Robbie whips Young into the corner, but misses a charge. Robbie runs right into a belly-to-belly from Young. Young tags in Ronnie. Ronnie hits a clothesline and a bodyslam. Young comes in with a top rope elbow drop before Ronnie hits the worst splash this side of Snooki at Wrestlemania to pick up the 3.

WINNERS: Ronnie and Eric Young. For whatever reason, Young pulls his wrestling shorts off after the match. Why?

Tonight, we will see a six-man match as Scott Steiner, Bully Ray and Jeff Jarrett take on Mr. Anderson, Jeff Hardy and a mystery partner. Styles/Daniels is up next.

Cue to Jeff Jarrett yelling at Anonymous Interviewer as Blubber Ray and Johnny Bravo look on in the background, doing what they do best, which is just uselessly taking up space. Jarrett says Hardy is his one and only focus. He won’t make it to Turning Point, as Jarrett’s going to take him out tonight. Blubber Ray rants about how he’s going to beat up Mr. Anderson one more time tonight. Steiner says “You two skimmy bastards, go find one of your skim friends, and we’ll beat ‘em all up!” He then says, “I’m gonna take an Anderson AND Hardy right nap”, before walking into a bathroom. Scott Steiner=promo gold. Blubber tells him not to forget a courtesy flush, as he had a lot of eggs today. Is that supposed to be funny?

TNA is now doing a commercial for their merchandise website where Don West is doing a parody of stupid shows like Ghost Hunters. Kill me.

Backstage, we see Mexican America walk into the catering area where Ink Inc. are sitting with Christina von Eerie (I don’t recall what she’s being called in TNA, and I don’t care). The two sides begin brawling. Hey, remember how Mexican America are the Tag Team Champions? Neither does anyone else. Sarita’s no longer wearing her thong mask. Eventually, Mexican America just gives up completely. Also, apparently, Ink Inc. have a Tag Team title match at the next PPV. Makes sense, since they have beaten approximately no one to earn a title match.

Back in the arena, Tenay and Taz are joined by Bjorn Rebney, who is the founder and CEO of Bellator Fighting Championships. Great. Who gives a damn? What does this have to do with anything at all? Bjorn lies out his ass and says he watches TNA every week and it’s a thrill to be sitting here. Please, Bjorn. No one watches this show every week except me.

MATCH 6: Christopher Daniels vs. A.J. Styles
Daniels and Styles both have new entrance themes, and they are both highly generic. Tie up to start, and Daniels backs Styles into the corner before hitting some shoulder blocks and kicks. Bjorn is talking about how Viacom is now the majority owner of Bellator. I care. Back to the match, Styles hits some punches and kicks in the corner. Daniels comes back with a boot and a side headlock. Daniels with a shoulder block. Styles trips him up off a run. Styles hits some chops in the corner. Daniels comes back with a clothesline. Styles misses a dropkick off the crisscross, but does connect with a second attempt off the ropes. Styles gets a kick to the back on Daniels and the jumping knee drop. Styles goes for a springboard, but Daniels knocks him down for 2. Daniels kitchen sinks Styles, then kicks him between the shoulder blades. Bodyslam by Daniels, and a split-legged moonsault gets 2. Daniels locks in a body scissors. Styles elbows his way out of the hold. Daniels walks right into a head scissors, but still manages to roll-up Styles for a pin attempt. Even with his feet on the ropes, Styles kicks out at 2. Daniels goes for Angel’s Wings, but Styles backflips out. Styles hits the moonsault into the inverted DDT, a beautiful move I haven’t seen in a long time (Tenay referred to it as an “inverted, reverse-style DDT”. Way to go, ‘Professor’). Both are back up now. Daniels misses a corner charge and runs right into a clothesline. Styles follows it up with a back elbow, a kick to the leg and a standing enziguri. Styles hits the Superman before going for the Styles Clash. Daniels reverses out, but winds up eating a Pele. Styles goes for the cover, but Daniels gets his foot on the bottom rope. Daniels slides to the floor as Styles argues with the ref. Daniels is looking for something under the ring, but Styles baseball slides him before he can find it. Styles jumps off the apron, but Daniels catches him, rams him into the guardrail, then hits a uranage backbreaker. Daniels pulls a toolbox out from under the ring and grabs a screwdriver out of it. Rob Van Dam yanks the screwdriver out of Daniels’ hand. The distraction causes Daniels to run into a fireman’s carry into an over-the-knee neckbreaker by Styles. Styles immediately turns this into the Styles Clash and gets the 3.

WINNER: A.J. Styles. I’ve seen better outings from these two, but this was still a really good match. If only TNA could put matches like this on more often.

Six-man tag is up next.

I love how TNA never announces the card for their upcoming PPV until the go-home episode of Impact every month. Oh, and no World title match announced for the PPV. Apparently, it’s going to be headlined by Jarrett/Hardy. This wasn’t even a good main event when it was a main event 6 years ago.

MATCH 7: Bully Ray, Jeff Jarrett and Scott Steiner (w/Karen Jarrett) vs. Jeff Hardy, Mr. Anderson and Abyss.
You know what? Thanks to Mr. Anderson, the word “assh*le” no longer means a damn thing. I can’t ever use it as an insult again. He’s completely ruined the word. And TNA’s entrance “videos” are all incredibly generic, but Jeff Hardy’s most definitely takes the top spot as most generic. Third member of the face team turns out to be Abyss, who gets a mild-at-best reaction from the crowd. I swear the back of Hardy’s t-shirt said “The King of Condoms”. I’m sure it said something else that was even dumber, but that’s honestly what it looked like. Abyss and Jarrett start things off. Abyss immediately tags in Hardy, which causes Jarrett to chickensh*t out and tag in Steiner. What could have possibly been going through Steiner’s mind when he got that tattoo done? Steiner backs Hardy into the corner and lays in some shots before hip tossing him back to the middle of the ring. Steiner with a club to the back and a corner whip. Hardy tries to jump out, but Steiner catches him. Steiner goes for a powerslam, but Hardy slides out and hits the reverse enziguri. Anderson tags in and locks in an arm wringer, but Steiner punches out. Jarrett tags in and runs into a back elbow and swinging neckbreaker by Anderson for 2. Ray hits an elbow on Anderson from behind, causing Anderson to run into a clothesline from Jarrett, which happened to be quite possibly the worst clothesline I’ve ever seen. Ray tags in and hits some elbow drops. Steiner tags back in and boots Anderson in the gut before hitting a clothesline. Steiner hits the posing elbow before doing the “patented push-up”. How do you patent a push-up, Tenay? God, I hate you. Anderson comes back with a clothesline, and now both are down. Hardy and Ray both tag in. Hardy with a forearm shot and a kick out of the corner. Hardy lands the middle rope legdrop, then goes up top. Jarrett trips him up. Steiner climbs to the middle rop and hits Hardy with a middle rope fireman’s carry slam. Ray goes for the pin, but only gets 2. Ray locks in a body scissors. Hardy breaks out with elbows, but Ray elbows him in the back before a tag can be made. Jarrett tags in and throws Hardy into the corner. Hardy hits an elbow off the charge, then climbs up and hits Whisper in the Wind. Abyss and Steiner tag in. Abyss takes all the heels out with clotheslines. He hits an avalanche on Ray in the corner, followed by a boot on Steiner. Jarrett goes for The Stroke, but Abyss blocks it and hits the Shock Treatment. Ray clotheslines Ray to the floor. Hardy hits him with a Twist of Fate and a Swanton Bomb. Jarrett hits The Stroke on Hardy, but runs right into a Mic Check by Anderson. Anderson turns around into an overhead belly-to-belly by Steiner. Steiner looks for the Steiner Recliner, but breaks it as he sees Abyss climbing back into the ring. Steiner tries to hit Abyss with some shots, but Abyss reverses a whip into the Black Hole Slam for the 3.

WINNERS: Abyss, Jeff Hardy and Mr. Anderson.

Despite James Storm being laid out, the title match will still apparently happen tonight. Tenay and Taz argue like an old married couple over having to assume that Bobby Roode was responsible for the attack.

MATCH 8-World Championship: Champion Bobby Roode vs. James Storm
Storm has an excellent entrance video. It’s footage of him drinking beer, walking around in a field somewhere, and a close-up of jelly jars. Just brilliant. Storm doesn’t come out to his music the first time. After a second, the music starts up a second time. Storm does eventually make his way out, and he’s completely covered in blood as he stumbles down to the ring. You know, I understand he got busted open earlier, but are you telling me they couldn’t give him some bandages and clean him up a bit? It’s the same thing WCW did when Sting got a bloodbath on an episode of Nitro, and came back a week later still covered in dried “blood”. Storm gets to ringside, charges into the ring and takes Roode down before laying in some punches. Storm with some more punches and a corner whip. Storm back body drops Roode out of the corner, then immediately falls back down to the mat as Roode looks on. Referee Brian Hebner throws up the “X” sign, causing a doctor to come to ringside. The doctor states the obvious and tells Hebner he’s got a head injury. Roode is looking on concerned. The referee tells him the match is over as he tries to lift Storm up along with Hebner. Roode asks Hebner if he rung the bell, signifying that the match is over. Hebner says, “no”. Roode then schoolboys Storm to get the 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Bobby Roode. After the match, Styles and Kazarian run into the ring to check on Storm. Sting makes his way out as Roode celebrates. Styles calls Roode a piece of trash. Styles challenges Roode to come down and get some. He tells Sting he wants Roode at Turning Point as ominous music begins to play randomly. Sting makes the match.

End of show.

So, let me get this straight. TNA has always been bad about announcing a PPV card until the go-home episode of Impact, as I mentioned earlier. That’s nothing new. However, this time, they outdid themselves and decided to book the main event title match at the very end of the go-home show, giving them not even so much as five minutes to build up the match and really entice fans to buy the PPV. That is some of the most idiotic booking of a PPV I’ve ever seen. And those in TNA wonder why fans refer to them as the reincarnation of late 90′s/early 00′s of WCW.

Anyway, this show had 8 matches, which has got to be a record for an episode of Impact. However, only two of those matches (Daniels/Styles; six-man) lasted longer than 5 minutes, and only one of those two (Daniels/Styles) was even worth watching.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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Hey, everyone. Welcome back to your Impact Wrestling recap for 10/20/11. I apologize for my hiatus last week. Some stuff came up at home that prevented me from doing the recap. However, I want to thank not only Matt Church for covering for me while I was away, but also to Eric Gargiulo for being so understanding on why I needed to step away for the week and keeping the position open for me. You guys are aces.

Anyway, the show begins and I’m already depressed. I accidentally came across the spoilers for the “main event” tonight, and it instantly made me miserable. I won’t spoil it right now, as you’ll see soon enough. I will say this-Many of you probably won’t agree with me, but I don’t care; I really hate James Storm as a performer. His voice, his catchphrase, his moveset, his gimmick, his stupid spiked hat, just everything. Tonight won’t be helping relieve any of that hatred.

We start with a recap of last Sunday’s Bound For Glory pay-per-view, mainly the feud between Hulk Hogan and Sting that saw Sting win their “big” match and regain control of TNA for Dixie Carter. Between Hogan and Dixie Carter, who really is the lesser of two evils at this point? Once again, the night saw Hogan do an immediate face turn after he lost the match, something no one wanted or needed.

In the Impact Zone, Sting makes his way to the ring, sans facepaint. He’s still wearing a Hogan t-shirt. Taz and Mike Tenay discuss the “shocking” revelation that referee Jackson James is Eric Bischoff’s kid. Sting says it feels good to be in the Impact Zone again. 18 months ago, he made a vow to everyone. That vow was getting TNA back into Dixie Carter’s hands and the “real” Hulk Hogan to come back. The Hogan that transcends wrestling and defines wrestling. Crowd is mindlessly chanting Hogan’s name. Sting admits he had to step out of his comfort zone, but at BFG, it was all worth it. It came to a defining moment where Hogan would either continue his ways with Eric Bischoff, or do the right thing for the wrestlers and the fans. In that defining moment, the “real” Hulk Hogan came home. God, this is so sickeningly sweet, I’m developing a cavity. Sting asks Hogan to grace us with his presence.

Hogan makes his way down to the ring, and he’s got his red and yellow crap on again, posing his once-impressive arms that now look like giant bags of Jell-O pudding. Orange, leathery Jell-O pudding, mind you, but Jell-O pudding nonetheless. Sting and Hogan hug in the ring, forgetting the last 18 months ever happened. Hogan pretends to be overcome with emotion. Hogan admits he’s been wrong for the last year. He doesn’t blame anyone but himself. He had a rough couple of years and became a follower instead of a leader. He thanks Bischoff for helping him get his life back together, and that’s how he became a follower. But now that everything’s cleared up, he realizes how wrong Bischoff was. Now that Hogan is back, there is only one person to thank for that, and that’s Sting. I’m getting sick with all this glad-handing. Hogan says that at BFG, when he saw the “pack of wolves” known as Immortal tearing Sting apart, he saw exactly what was going down and “saw the light”. When he saw Sting begging him for help, he saw things perfectly clearly. He saw what he used to be, but now he’s back, and what’cha gonna do when the Hulkster and the Stinger run wild on you, brother?

Hogan says he can’t tell everyone how amazing this run has been, and he has to thank Sting for that. He calls Sting the true icon and thanks him as his music begins to play again and he leaves the ring. Sting’s still here. He tells Hulk he’s still got it before asking Ditsy Carter to please come out. Carter comes out to some god-awful music. She’s walking like she has no idea how and is just learning for the first time. Commercial.

We get a commercial for Jeff Hardy’s upcoming TNA DVD. Great. Another TNA product no one will watch.

Back from commercial and Dixie Carter is in the ring with Sting. Until now, I never truly realized how hideous she is. It’s like a cross between a skeleton and a painted scarecrow. Sting says this is a night to celebrate as the rightful owner gets her company back, but it doesn’t erase what happened 18 months ago. Sting tried to talk to Dixie then and show her the light, and she found out how tough wrestling is the hard way. But, they’ve got the company back now. When Sting thought he was done with wrestling, Dixie gave him a second chance and a home in TNA. Sting wouldn’t take anything back from the last 18 months, but from here forward, Dixie needs to surround herself with people who have the best interests for the company in their hearts. There is no room for error, and she can’t make any mistakes this time. This is her second chance.

Dixie says she’s sorry to everyone and that she should have listened to Sting, and that she won’t make the same mistake again. Her place in the company is making it the best it can be, and if anything in the last year has taught her anything, it’s that she needs to fight for the company and make it the best in the world. In order to do so, she’ll have to spend more time at TNA headquarters as president, and she wants Sting to help her run the day-to-day operations in TNA. She will give Sting full authority over the company as he has never stopped fighting for TNA. She asks if he will do it as the crowd chants “Do it”. Sting says he’s willing to do it. Dixie thanks everyone for everything before hugging Sting.

Kurt Angle begins making his way down to the ring. Wonder if Kurt wants “beastiality sex” with Dixie Carter like he did Sharmell Sullivan? As Angle makes his way down the ramp, we go to another commercial.

We’re back, and for those wondering, we’re already 25 minutes into this show and we’re still on the same promo segment. Wrestling Matters! It’s still real to me, dammit! Anyway, Angle gets a mic and says we have two superheroes in the ring, the icon Sting and Dixie Carter, the woman who lied to him, made him look like a jackass and the sole reason he joined Immortal. Angle says he knows Dixie thinks she had a great PPV at Sunday, but he’s still World Champion, whether she likes it or not. He’s the World Champion, but all Sting can talk about is Bobby Roode, and made Roode look like a hero for the last 30 days. In 30 minutes at BFG, Angle made Roode look like a loser. Well, you and everyone else at TNA.

Bobby Roode makes his way down to the ring. God, is this segment ever going to end? Sign in the crowd says “Roode Got Screwed”. He gets screwed even worse tonight. Roode asks Angle if he’s kidding. He asks Angle if he’s going to stand here and take that victory at the PPV before calling him pathetic. Roode says Angle had to screw him in the match by holding the ropes. For the last 13 years of his life, Roode has given everything for that one moment, and all of his dreams and aspirations were rolled into one night at BFG, and Angle screwed him. What Angle did at BFG was bullsh*t. Roode says that maybe there’s nothing he can do about it now, but as he continues, Sting cuts him off. Sting points out the sign I just mentioned. Tonight, in this ring, Sting is making a match tonight for the World title between Roode and Angle. Yeah, that’s not going to happen. Angle steals Miz’s “Really?” bit at this. Angle says when Roode signed the contract for BFG, he had Bischoff and Hogan put a little stipulation in the match contract, and that is Roode can only wrestle Angle once. The reason is because Roode is a real threat and the real deal, and Angle just screwed his ass. Since when did Roode change his name to Jenna Morasca? Kurt Angle starts to spit James Storm’s catchphrase, which causes Storm to come to the ring. Commercials again, and this segment STILL isn’t over!

Back from break (at the 37-minute mark), and James Storm has a question to ask Angle. Did the contract stipulate that Storm couldn’t wrestle him. At BFG, Storm says Angle screwed the fans, the company and Bobby Roode. When Angle screwed Roode, he screwed James Storm as well, and now Storm and Angle have a problem. He tells Sting he thinks everyone still wants to see a World title match tonight. Angle says no way, and that there’s ten guys ahead of Storm who deserve a shot. Yes, and none of them will ever get it thanks to TNA’s brilliant booking strategies. Sting says he likes his new position because he has authority now. He makes the match between Angle and Storm for the World title in the main event tonight. Roode then spits Storm’s stupid catchphrase at Angle. Give it up for Roode. He’s selling the hell out of this for his partner, but deep down, you know he has to be just fuming.

Backstage, we see Hogan leaving the building, but before he can, he’s cut off by Bischoff, Ric Flair, Scott Steiner, Blubber Ray and Top Gun. Bischoff says he doesn’t want anything to go down here, and wants it to go down in the ring tonight, “our way”. He says if Hogan has any balls left tonight, he should face Bischoff in the ring tonight so Bischoff can get a few things off his chest. Bischoff keeps emphasizing the word “balls”. Why does he always think he has to repeat everything he says, like we didn’t get it the first time? Anyone else remember the Sid Vicious “don’t have a pair of scissors” remark?

46 minutes into this show, we finally get our first match, and it’s for the worthless Knockout Tag Team titles! Huzzah!

MATCH 1-Knockout Tag Team Championship: Champions Miss Tessmacher and Tara vs. Angelina Love and Winter
Before the champs can finish their pseudo-lesbian entrance, they are attacked in the ring by the challengers. Love is strangling Tessy with her own shirt before her and Winter go into a corner double stomp. Tessy goes for a roll-up for one, but comes back up into a clothesline by Love. Love with some crappy punches before tagging in Winter. Winter whips Love into Tessy in the corner. Winter hits a backbreaker for 2. Instead of paying attention to the match, Taz and Tenay won’t shut up about Bischoff’s kid, who is now going by the name of “Garrett Bischoff”. Bet you didn’t know referees needed gimmick/name changes like the wrestlers, did you? Winter tags Love in as she goes for a foot choke in the corner. Love with a snapmare and an elbow for 2. Tessy with a jawbreaker, but Love stops her from making the tag. Tessy reverses a corner whip, but Love makes it onto the turnbuckles. She boots off a charging Tessy but misses a cross body from the middle rope. Tara and Winter tag in. Tara hits some sloppy punches and a bad-looking clothesline. She takes off her shirt and chokes Winter with it before hitting the Spider’s Web for 2. Love breaks up the pin. Double-whip on Tara, but Tessy hit’s the blind tag. Tara with a double clothesline. She throws Love out, and Tessy connects with a top rope cross body for the 3.

WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: Miss Tessmacher and Tara. Have I mentioned that Miss Tessmacher is the most useless in-ring female performer in the company, with Velvet Sky running a very close second?

Speaking of useless women, we see Jeff and Karen Jarrett walking around, arguing.

Back from commercials, Mr. and Mrs. Diet Shasta Orange make their way onto the stage. I still can’t believe AAA let him do that to their top belt. Oh, and if you’re wondering, no, he never, EVER defends it. Jeff’s got a new Impact Wrestling shirt on. Apparently, TNA can’t do a single shirt design without making it look either like Tapout or Affliction crap. Jeff tells Jeffrey Nero Hardy to get out here right now, because one way or another, he’s going to finish what he started at BFG.

Jeffrey Nero Hardy makes his way out to a big pop, because Impact Zone drones just love their drug addicts! Did Hardy draw the design on his shirt? No wonder no one takes him seriously as an artist. Double J asks if Hardy thinks he’s going to walk right back into his main event slot like nothing happened. Jarrett asks if he forgot that the founder of TNA is the one who brought him into the company, and that he no-showed an event under Jarrett’s watch. He says that Victory Road was not the first event Hardy no-showed, and it damn sure won’t be his last. Actually, Jarrett, he did show up at Victory Road. Granted, he was so stoned, he probably didn’t know he was even there, so it’s kind of the same thing. Jarrett says some want Hardy there, and some don’t. He doesn’t care what others want, because he damn sure doesn’t want Hardy to be a part of this organization. He gives Hardy a choice-he can leave TNA and never be seen again, or he can suffer the consequences at the hands of the founder. Jarrett takes his shirt off and is looking pretty pudgy. Hardy starts to act like he’s going to leave, but doesn’t. He tells Jarrett the people want him here, and Jarrett’s the only one who is still bitching. He says Jarrett can’t stand the reactions Hardy gets from fans, and it eats him up. Hardy says Jarrett can’t stand that he’ll never have what Hardy has with these people. Jarrett goes to assault Hardy, but Hardy comes back with punches, a clothesline, and some punches on the mat. “Security” comes in to break the “fight” up. Hardy dives over them and continues punching Jarrett. Now the Hebner boys are in here trying to do something. Jarrett does the “dive over the security” bit now. Jeff does it again. Al Snow, Pat Kenney and D-Lo Brown come in to try and break things up. Now D-Lo and Al are screaming at each other and getting in each other’s faces. Speaking of people gaining weight, D-Lo looks like he’s put on about 100 pounds. As they’re doing this, Jarrett breaks away and botches a low blow on Hardy before kissing his horse-faced wife.

Angle’s in the back talking to the camera. He says he’ll whip James Storm’s ass tonight, over and over again, because nobody backs baby into a corner. No one!

For those wondering, we are now 70 minutes into this show, and have had ONE match. Backstage, Eric Young is telling a photographer he wants a sexy photo shoot. Rob Terry and Robbie E walk up. Robbie E asks Eric if he looks like an idiot. The joke here is he’s got his stupid tall frosted hair and gigantic stone-covered sunglasses on. Ha. I get it. Comedy. Robbie says everyone knows the TV title belongs to him, and Young’s been ducking him. Young says that, since he’s the TV champion, that makes him in charge of television. He tells Terry he loved him in the “Conan” movies. Young says all he has to do is ask Sting to make the match, and he will. But, if “Big Robbie T” interferes in the match, he’ll have to call in some big guns from Hollywood, like Ronnie from “Jersey Shore”. Robbie E makes some stupid remarks about how Eric Young looks Amish. Again, in case you’re wondering, yes, Dixie Carter threw more money at another “Jersey Shore” star to come in, which will do absolutely nothing for ratings or buyrates.

MATCH 2: Gunner vs. Abyss
Abyss left Immortal on Sunday after helping Hogan and Sting. Now you’re caught up. Before the match start, Gunner gets a microphone. This should be stunning. He says that, last week, they decided to take out the trash, and when you’re part of Immortal, you have to prove to everyone that you belong at the top. He took it upon himself and went to Immortal and said that he could be the one to take Abyss out, and he promised them he would. He tells Abyss to come down here and face his worst nightmare.

Gunner tries to cut off Abyss, but Abyss fights his way out. Some punches in the corner and a clothesline from Abyss, followed by kicks and stomps. Abyss hits a tree slam. Gunner tries to leave the ring. Abyss pulls him in and punches him, sending him to the outside. Abyss follows and throws Gunner into the steps. Back in the ring, Gunner immediately slides back out and leaves through the crowd. Abyss decides not to follow and takes a count-out win.

WINNER VIA COUNT-OUT: Abyss. Well, that was just the greatest TNA match in the history of ever anything.

Backstage, we see new Knockouts Champion Velvet Sky. She’s rambling about how she proved all of her doubters wrong at the PPV. She thanks the fans, who have been behind her “150,000 percent”, and she’s going to thank them now. Great! Another promo segment! There hasn’t been nearly enough talking on this show tonight. Not hardly.

In some other backstage area, we see Flair, Bischoff, Blubber and Johnny Bravo talking as Gunner runs into frame. He says he doesn’t know if everyone just saw that, but that wasn’t Abyss; that was a monster. Immortal might need someone like that. Bischoff says he’ll deal with it, but now it’s time to take care of Hogan.

We get a video package for Velvet Sky. I could give a damn.

Velvet Sky makes her way to the ring. “Let the pigeons loose” may be the worst catchphrase in wrestling history. Velvet gets a mic and says it feels so good, and she feels so proud to stand here as the Knockouts Champion. She says this has been an emotional journey for her, and with every obstacle that’s been thrown in her way, to get to her dream was totally worth. The title is for everyone who told her she was not good enough and those that tried to shut her down and make her feel weak. It took her 4 years to achieve her dream, but she did it, and did it with the support of her fans. Cue Karen Jarrett.

Apparently, Karen Jarrett is still the V.P. of the knockouts division. You would’ve thought that Carter getting the company back would’ve negated that. Oh, wait. That requires logic. Karen comes out with Traci Brooks. Who cares? She reminds both Brooks and Sky that she is the V.P. of the division and can fire both of them right now. She screams at the crowd to shut up, then screams at Sky and Brooks. Firing them would be too easy. She says Velvet wants to cry over winning the belt. She’s a mother, and we don’t see her out here crying over crap. You’re right; you just scream nonsensically over crap. She asks Traci if she thinks she’s had it bad. Karen says she hasn’t seen anything yet, and she’s about to make Traci’s life a living hell. She says if they think they’ve seen the mean side of Karen Jarrett, they haven’t seen anything yet. Didn’t she just say that? She orders security to throw Traci out of the ring after doing some more screaming. She continues to tell Velvet to shut up. Karen says Velvet will respect her. She doesn’t know who Velvet thinks she is or who she thinks she’s screwing with. On Monday, Karen told Jeff Jarrett the first thing she was going to do was “strip that little bitch of the title”. Jeff asked her what the fun in that would be. Where would the pain, blood and scars be in that? She wants to see Velvet physically put in her place, and she knows just the person to do it. Before what happens is about to happen (??), she gives Velvet the advice of keeping eyes in the back of her head.

Cue our second horse-faced broad tonight and my soulmate for life, Madison Rayne. Despite her loud music, you can still hear Rayne screeching as she makes her way to the ring. As Velvet is arguing with Maddy, Gail Kim knocks Velvet down from behind. Kim punches Velvet over and over as Karen continues to wail. I was hoping Gail wouldn’t show up here, as I tend to instantly lose respect for women who jump ship from WWE to TNA as they all turn into whiners.

We see Hogan making his way towards the ringside area as we go to another commercial.

Back from the break and Bischoff & Friends make their way to the ring. Taz and Tenay are still arguing about Bischoff’s kid. You know, you would think all these guys would be fired with Sting winning that match. Oh, wait. We’re talking logic again. Bischoff says he’ll take care of his “punk ass kid” in his own way on his own time. He reiterates the “balls”, really emphasizing “balls”, before calling Hogan out to the ring.

Hogan limps his way to the ring. Hogan says if Bischoff’s got anything to say, he’s got one chance right now. Bischoff says he’s got a lot of things to say, and he hopes Hogan packed a lunch, because it’s going to take him a while to get it all out. Noooooo! We already had a 45-minute promo segment! Not again! Bischoff says, first off, how can Hogan explain turning his back on Immortal, and how dare he! If that wasn’t bad enough, Hogan turned his back on Bischoff, the guy that made Hogan. He’s the man solely responsible for making Hogan the man he is today. The worst offense Hogan committed was getting between Bischoff and his son. How dare you corrupt him! Bischoff had his son right where they needed and wanted him, ready to turn him into Eric Bischoff. That’s…kind of creepy. Hogan says he’s learned a lot about Bischoff and his son in the last few days, and one thing he’s learned is Garrett Bischoff is a man Eric could never be. Bischoff slaps Hogan. Hogan does the pointing bit. Gunner, Blubber and Steiner jump into the ring. Sting slides in with a baseball bat and gives another bat to Hogan. Bischoff is backing up the ramp when his kid pops up on the entrance ramp. Eric backs right into him, then turns around. Eric mouths off to him and asks what he’s got to say to him. Garrett calls him a disgrace. Eric pushes him a couple of times, slaps him, then rips off his shirt, revealing a “Bischoff” tattoo on Garrett’s chest. He calls Eric a nothing, and that he’s not a Bischoff. Eric says he never wants to see Garrett again. Garrett decks him and then gives Hogan and Sting a thumb’s up.

The main event is up next after the commercials, and with only 15 minutes left in the show.

We see Bobby Roode and James Storm walking in the back. Storm is mumbling about how he wishes he had more time to prepare for this match tonight. Roode says he’s been preparing his whole life. Storm has been here from day one, and this is for the title. Roode says there’s no doubt in his mind that Storm is ready to be champion. Right now is Storm’s time, and he needs to go out there and kick Kurt Angle’s ass, and that everyone knows he can do it. Storm was there at BFG to feel Roode’s pain. Tonight, he wants to feel Storm’s excitement. They shake hands and Storm walks away.

MATCH 3: World Championship: James Storm vs. Kurt Angle
Looking at Angle and how he’s wasting away, it’s only a few years before he’s nothing but a shrunken head in a mason jar. After we get the introductions from Bloated Ken Doll (including a plug for 5-Hour Energy), the match starts with only 5 minutes left until 9:00pm. Keep that number in mind. Angle’s leg is heavily taped, and Storm looks like he’s about to cry. Angle kicks Storm in the gut and hits a punch. In the corner, Angle with some more punches. More corner punches. A stomp. More corner punches and stomps on the mat. Referee tries to pull Angle off. Angle throws the referee out of the way and turns his back to begin arguing. Angle turns right around into the Last Call. This match is over.
Total match time: according to my DVR, 2 minutes.

WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: James Storm. Yes, your new world champion is “Cowboy” James Storm. The same James Storm who wears a spray-painted, spiked cowboy hat, used to ride to the ring on a motorized beer cooler and once feuded with Eric Young for months on end over a plastic WWE spinner belt with a plastic belt glued to the front that was referred to as the “World Beer-Drinking Championship”.

So…Bobby Roode wrestles Kurt Angle for nearly 30 minutes (according to Angle), and can’t get the job done, but Storm, the weaker half of the team, does it in less than 3 minutes. Want to know why? Because Angle was hurt going into the PPV, and wound up even worse after it was over. So, instead of just dropping the belt to Roode at the show like he should have, especially knowing he was injured, he instead keeps the belt, gets hurt worse and winds up looking like a pathetic loser at the next taping in a squash loss against James Storm. Anyone care to take this? Anyone?

Kazarian, Roode and A.J. Styles come down to the ring to help celebrate. Storm says he’s been with the company since day one. He’s watched people come and go, but one thing’s for damn sure, “The ‘Cowboy’ is here to stay, you son of a bitches!” He calls the victory a little bitter sweet. He tells Roode he’s his best friend, that they are the greatest tag team in the whole world, and that the belt belongs to him. Storm hands the belt over to Roode. He says the belt looks really nice, but Storm deserves it. He then wraps it around Storm’s waist.

End of show.

This was, without a doubt, the worst episode of Impact I’ve ever seen, and that’s really saying something.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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I was not quite sure what No Surrender actually meant in the overall scheme of the TNA No Surrender 2011 pay per view. Yet after watching I think it was obvious. TNA creative will not surrender their booking plans in the face of negative publicity and regular front page stories on TMZ.com.

If you thought that TNA would alter their future plans for Bound for Glory after seeing their world champion on TMZ.com for committing a DWI and later accuse police of framing him, then you are mistaken. Only tweeting negatively about the company will get you in the dog house and put you on the chopping block.

Kurt Angle retained the TNA championship at No Surrender Sunday night in a move that was both surprising and indicative of the inherent problems behind the scenes in TNA. Angle defeated Sting and Ken Anderson in the main-event. The finish marked the second month in a row that TNA charged their fans money to watch a match and delivered a screw job finish as reward for their loyal service.

The match wasn’t bad but like last pay per view’s main event between Sting vs. Angle, the Impact Zone crowd really hurt this match. The fans are just so programmed at this point to wait for someone to run out for the finish, they just sit there and don’t believe anything is a finish until they see someone walk out from the back. And guess what…they were right!

The finish of the Angle vs. Anderson vs. Sting main event saw Sting wind up on the floor. Hulk Hogan wobbled his way over to Sting and sprayed something into his eyes (hey at least he didn’t try a fireball). A “blinded” Sting came back into the ring and was meant by a low blow from the Olympic hero on September 11 who followed it up with a pin.

Earlier in the show, Robert Roode officially won the Bound for Glory series and is now the number one contender for the championship. Roode defeated Bully Ray in a tie-breaker to win the series and the title shot. Roode also beat Gunner earlier in the night, while Ray defeated James Storm on a disqualification.

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This all sets up what is likely a double main-event for TNA’s biggest show of the year, Bound for Glory. Angle will wrestle Robert Roode for the TNA championship while Hulk Hogan vs. Sting will likely infect my former Alma Matter’s arena. Angle vs. Roode is fresh and fans have been begging for a fresh new contender but oh wait, they had that with Crimson and he has gone M.I.A. I am sure it will be a good match because Angle is great in these situations with elevating talent, but I think this could have been much bigger if it were Crimson.

Hogan vs. Sting, good lord I guess they are really moving in that direction. I shudder to think at the prospect of Hogan wrestling. The man looks terrible just walking to the ring. Doctors have already warned him against wrestling after having rods placed in his back. He can’t bump and he can barely move, so I will tempter any expectations. Sting has gotten back into ring shape and has looked his best lately of his current TNA run. I just don’t have high hopes here. Quite frankly, I just hope Hogan gets out of this match in one piece and I am speaking literally on that one.

If I had to blog about a bright spot here and there wasn’t man, Austin Aries looked fantastic at No Surrender. In my opinion, he was the MVP of the night. Aries defeated Brian Kendrick for the X-Division championship. I like Aries but I have to wonder if he is a little too late with his run in TNA. Aries was in his prime and ready for a nice run with TNA during his first stint with the company before he left in 2007. On the bright side, at least he got to ditch that awful Austin Starr name on this go-around with the company.

Full TNA No Surrender 2011 results..
Jesse Sorensen defeated Kid Kash to determine number one contender to the TNA X Division Championship
Bully Ray defeated James Storm by disqualification in the Bound for Glory Series
Winter defeated Mickie James to win the TNA Women’s Knockout Championship
Mexican America (Hernandez and Anarquia) defeated Devon and D’Angelo Dinero
Matt Morgan defeated Samoa Joe
Bobby Roode defeated Gunner in the Bound for Glory Series
Austin Aries defeated Brian Kendrick to win the TNA X Division Championship
Bobby Roode defeated Bully Ray…Bound for Glory Series tiebreaker match
Kurt Angle defeated Sting and Ken Anderson in a Three-way match for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship

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I’ve seen some “on the fly” booking in my day, but a company who usually crams eight and even sometimes nine matches into a pay-per-view is really going to have to come up with some magic to add to the five confirmed matches for Sunday’s TNA Wrestling No Surrender PPV.

Unfortunately, there’s just not a whole lot of steam heading into the show, and if there is, it’s for the wrong reasons. Many will want to see how Kurt Angle performs in his title match coming off his ugly DUI arrest, while others will speculate whether or not Jeff Hardy will be in attendance and if he’ll wrestle. I hope Hardy wrestles, but let’s start with the confirmed matches…

Kurt Angle (Champ) vs. Sting vs. Mr. Anderson – Heavyweight Title Match. I love TNA, but even the recent swerves are starting to mess with my head. Chew on this: since this time last year, all three of these guys have been both heels and faces, so who’s a guy to root for these days?

Mr. Anderson, a polarizing figure that’s hard to argue, has been written into the ground as the tweener that no one likes, and was just the emergency back-up quarterback to the revolving jobber door that is Immortal. For his sake, I hope Anderson gets a little more concise writing for the rest of the year, because I have such little faith in him that I’m not even considering him in the hunt of this match that was hastily thrown together.

I mean, I could see if Anderson and Angle had Immortal history, but Anderson was jettisoned and concussed from the group before Angle made his new friends. When you throw Sting in the match, who is pretty much boxed into this “legendary” feud with Ric Flair, I can’t see anyone other than Kurt Angle walking out of there as champion. If Impact wants the elements of surprise back, they have to play their hands a little closer to their chests and avoid spoiling imminent Hulk Hogan face turns and matches that completely undermine current storylines (see: the entire BFG series).

Brian Kendrick (Champ) vs. Austin Aries – X Division Title Match. This is the match I’m most looking forward to, mainly because it’s just good ole fashioned lovable champion against the biggest jerk in the world. Seriously, watch Austin Aries do arms up victory laps around the outside of the ring and tell me you can’t get behind that guy as a wrestler? This story has also worked nicely, with rugged Kid Kash serving as Aries’ right hand man, as well as Kendrick’s newly adopted Wizard of Odd motif. Aries was a great signing for TNA, and much like Mickie James finally experienced, don’t be surprised if they put the belt on the highly entertaining challenger. Austin Aries wins with that gorgeous brainbuster.

Bully Ray vs. James Storm – Bound For Glory Series Semi. What?! I’m pretty sure this whole time the hype has been that the final four would compete in a one fatal four way match to decide the No. 1 Contender, so what’s this crap? Back when I was reviewing Impact episodes I gave my thoughts on the competitors chances in this tournament once it was announced, and I ranked James Storm slightly above a dead last Devon, probably because he’s in a little better shape. Injuries have really cleared out the top of the tourney, so obviously some sort of audible was called when Morgan went down with a legitimate pectoral tear and Crimson was taken out with his unbeaten streak still pending. My prediction on this match is reliant upon the other semifinal, but I can’t see BOTH Beer Money guys getting through, so I’ll take Bully Ray in this one.

Gunner vs. Bobby Roode – Bound For Glory Series Semi. Ahhh, the two dark horses and potential future stars of the company come 2012. I don’t believe Gunner is quite there yet, as his Immortal counterpart Bully Ray has a lot more current selling potential in him. I could also see this going down as Bully Ray’s quest to completely invalidate Beer Money by running through them and proving they are pushovers whether as a team or on the singles path. Regardless, this should be a fine wrestling match as I think Gunner has improved his mechanics, but Roode will take this down and be one step closer to a title shot. In the meantime, let’s get Gunner some mic time!

Matt Morgan vs. Samoa Joe. Wow, Morgan recovered quickly. I can’t say I’m excited about this synthetic feeling showdown, but Joe really needs a win here. Just get him the win so he calms down, continues as the war machine that’s not quite a heel so he can stay away from being the 10th leader of Immortal. I want to see Joe chase the title, but as long as there is an Immortal faction, it’s going to be awfully hard to pencil him in to the title docket. It’s going to be interesting to see how Morgan fairs in the ring coming back from injury, but a win here could also boost him closer to the big prize. I’d like to think of this as a pseudo Heavyweight contender’s match, but that’s probably being unreasonably optimistic. Samoa Joe will continue his reign of terror and move on to Crimson.

And, yeah, that’s what’s been announced as of Thursday. However, we can fill in the blanks and assume a few others…

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Let’s face it. AJ Styles needs to be at every PPV and his continuing bragging rights rivalry with Christopher Daniels has been pretty good overall. I also loved the in-Fortune bickering between Styles and Kazarian early this year, so Styles must be pretty good at toeing those same side rivalries. I expect this match to go down after Daniels finally got the upper hand on AJ and didn’t shake his hand at last week’s Impact taping. However, if this is just leading to Daniels turning on AJ and going full blown heel on him, I’ll be extremely disappointed. Wrestling fans have told me that Daniels is notorious for his constant turns and this won’t do anything to move the needle if it happens.

While this could be another lengthy, yet stellar AJ Styles PPV match, the story with Daniels could use a little more meat to it. A potential jockeying for leadership of Fortune perhaps? Let’s try and focus on what they can do instead of their revolving friendship from years past. Daniels got the win last time out, so expect AJ to win clean here.

The impending showdown I’m not looking forward to is Rob Van Dam and his bosom buddy Jerry Lynn stinking up the Impact Zone. I don’t know what it is about Lynn, but something about him rubs me the wrong way. It could be that he just looks like someone I wouldn’t let around my kids, or it could be the ten straight times he’s waltzed out to ringside to check in on Van Dam, ultimately costing Van Dam his match. Every time. This story is beyond lame and I hope Van Dam monkey flips Lynn back to the Indy circuit or O’Reilly Auto Parts whence he came.

As far as the Knockouts division (Rest In Peace, my beloved Madison Rayne, wherever you are), you can probably count on Winter defending the belt against Mickie James in a rematch of their last title match and feud. The Winter/Angelina Love story confuses me a bit, as we’re still kind of unsure if they are vampires, lesbians, weirdos, or just weird, lesbian vampires who wrestle. As long as Mickey James hits at least one clean DDT and Lou Thesz Press, this match will be passable.

And last but not least, let’s go with the off chance that Impact promotes a Jeff Hardy surprise match at No Surrender right after tonight’s Impact goes off the air. If they do, what kind of work would they have for him? I’ll probably hear some groans for this, but I’d stop watching the NFL Sunday Night game entirely if Hardy came out for a match. Even though it’s only been months, that’s a long time to wait with bated breath for a guy you’ve invested time and energy in as a wrestling fan.

I think the perfect opponent for Hardy would be Immortal’s Abyss. Like him or not, Abyss is a fantastic guy in the ring, as well as a team player who can put anyone who needs it over. His X Division angle could have been a calamity but because of his dedication he put in motion the revival of the division. A good to great match against a returning Hardy could give Impact one of their blue chippers back, just in time for guys like Bully Ray to flounder back to the bottom.
I know this PPV doesn’t have a whole lot of hype, but there are definitely some confirmed and pending matches that will stand out as must see. And, don’t kid yourself, folks—the Jets will be up 17 on the Cowboys Sunday night by halftime anyway.

Joe Leininger lives in Jacksonville, FL via the greater Philadelphia area. He dabbles in all things sports, pro wrestling, and television, and more of his work can be found at The Playing Field Blog and DestiGeddon.

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Before getting into the recap, two issues need to be addressed. The first is Jeff Hardy. For those that might not have heard it yet, Jeff Hardy finally plead guilty in a court of law to the charges leveled against him. As a result, Hardy will have to face some harsh punishment…if your idea of “harsh” is 10 days in jail, $100,000 in fees and 2-3 years probation.

That’s right-Hardy more or less got a slap on the wrist despite the charges leveled against him being felonious. This is a prime example of how stupid and superficial we are in this country. If you or I, the average person, had been investigated for these exact same charges, we’d be looking at 10-20 years in prison, if not more. But, because Jeff Hardy is a celebrity, he’s basically getting the equivalent of a kid in grade school getting detention. There are countless examples of celebrities breaking the law and facing next to no punishment, and Jeff Hardy can now join that ever-increasing list. And if you think Jeff’s learned his lesson, guess again. Hardy can claim he’s cleaned up and turned his life around all he wants, but this isn’t the first time he’s been busted for drugs in some capacity. Until I see some real proof that he’s changing for the better, I can practically guarantee this will happen again. As for his career in TNA, mark my words. Once he’s done his 10 days in jail, TNA will show their disappointment in him by giving him push after push, as well as more world title runs.

Speaking of discipline cases, that brings us to good old Kurt Angle. As you should know by now, Angle was busted for DUI yet again this past Sunday. As Justin Henry mentioned in a column, this marks the fourth time Angle’s been busted in less than four years, with the last arrest happening just about five or six months ago, with three of those arrests being drinking-and-driving related. I’m not going to go into great length here, as both Justin and Eric have done a great job of already covering this pretty extensively, but I will say that Angle has been a complete discipline case since he signed with TNA, and I don’t bet this will ever change. In just a few years, Angle has transformed from one of the most talented, physically gifted wrestlers in the world to a psychotic, alcohol and drug abusing, stringy-armed nutcase. And guess what? As long as TNA keeps him employed, he will stay that way. Unlike problematic wrestlers like the Hardys, Angle has never once been punished by TNA to any extent whatsoever. As a result, Angle hasn’t learned a lesson of any kind. TNA has basically given him the impression that, no matter what he does, he’s going to keep his job and be the top guy in the company. Not only does this give the rest of the TNA locker room the idea that, as long as you’re a high-paid main eventer, you’ll never have to worry about finding a job, but it also teaches Angle absolutely no lessons and gets him no help for his problems. And if there’s anyone in the company that needs a lesson taught to him, as well as help, it’s Angle. Angle is a giant rehab festival waiting to happen, and everyone seems to know it except for himself and Dixie Carter. Does the guy have to wrap his car around a tree a’la Matt Hardy before any actual punishment comes his way and he realizes he needs help?

Angle, if you’re reading this, people like you not only have a disease, but truly are a disease, and if you do not get help very soon, someone innocent is going to wind up hurt or worse because of you and your reckless behavior. Worse yet, you yourself could wind up dead. You’ve already lost your wife and family because of your obsessive and abusive behaviors, not to mention your addictions also cost you your job with WWE. How many more need to get hurt before you finally wake the hell up and admit you have problems and need help? If you want to go ahead and kill yourself slowly with alcohol and drugs, that’s your business. But when you potentially endanger the lives of others, that is when what you do becomes the business of everyone else.

Okay, enough of that. Sorry if I went long there. When I get on certain subjects, I can rant with the best of them.

Onto a more light-hearted note, let’s get on with the recap for the 9/8/11 edition of Impact, featuring the return of the aforementioned Jeff Hardy. He will be given the opportunity to speak his mind to the crowd, as well as the TV viewing audience. This should be stunning.

We get a recap of last week to start the show, which saw Mr. Anderson forget that he hates Sting and save him from a beat down from Angle and Hogan. You know, if you need saving from Angle and Hogan at this point, I’d say it’s time to call it a career.

Once again, Impact is “live” from Huntsville, Alabama tonight. Mr. Anderson makes his way to the ring. He says that, the last couple of weeks, he’s been a man of few words. I for one am grateful for that. He says he beats ass and then goes home and goes to sleep. I don’t think he thought that one through before saying. He admits to signing a deal with the devils, those being Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff. He says joining Immortal was a business decision, but not a good one. He asks the crowd to boo him. They do. Because of one “meddling scumbag” in Immortal, that being Bully Ray, Mr. Anderson is now on the outside looking in. He says thank you to Bully Ray, and that if people thought he was annoying before, just wait. Fantastic. Starting tonight, he’s going to be an even bigger pain in the ass. He then starts ranting about Kurt Angle, and that Kurt Angle has overlooked the fact that Anderson still has a rematch for the title, as he never got one after losing the belt to Sting. He’s cashing in his rematch tonight. He calls Angle, even though he knows Angle won’t be coming alone. Anderson has back-up as well in Sting. You know, that guy who destroyed his truck and beat him for the title? Yeah, that guy.

Sting comes out and reminds us that Immortal cost him to lose to Angle in a title match last week. He calls himself a fungus, and refers to Hogan’s arms as “21 inch pythons”. I doubt they’re even that big anymore. Tonight, Sting is wielding the power of “The Network”, and they’ve apparently given him the authority to call the shots tonight. Sting announces himself as the special enforcer in Anderson’s match with Angle tonight. He plans to take all of Hogan’s power away. He and Anderson then hug.

Tonight, Velvet Sky and Mickie James face Winter and Angelina Love, and there will be a 4-Corners Match between the top four in the BFG series-Blubber Ray, Tom Cruise and Beer Money Inc.

You could not pay me enough to go on the “Coastal Chaos Cruise” with the Impact Wrestling roster. Just saying.

MATCH 1-#1 Contender’s Match for the World Tag Team Championship: Devon and D’Angelo Dinero vs. Magnus and Douglas Williams
God. Mexican America is on commentary right now. Kill me now. The winner will get the shot at No Surrender. Nothing like waiting until the last minute to make this match, huh? BTW, who in the hell did either of these teams beat to qualify for a #1 contenders match? Can anyone even recall the last time either team wrestled in a tag team match on this show? Devon and Magnus start off. Devon gets 2 off a spinning back elbow. Pope tags in and hits a flying shoulder block for 2. Pope with some elbows to the head, but Magnus lands a boot to the chest and some mounted punches. Williams tags in and hits a European uppercut. They trade some shots before Magnus tags back in. They hit a double straight jacket drop on Pope for 2. Magnus telegraphs a back body drop, but still connects with a clothesline for 2. Pope fights his way out of the Brits’ corner, but Magnus gets him into another corner. Williams hits a running knee in the opposite corner, followed by a top rope elbow by Magnus for 2. Williams holds Pope up for a boot, but Pope ducks and Williams eats the boot from Magnus. Pope hits his cool hammerlock DDT on Magnus and tags in Devon. Devon hits a few shoulder blocks, followed by an avalanche and sidewalk slam on Williams for 2. He gets a powerslam for another 2, but Magnus breaks it up. Devon hits them with a double clothesline and a standing spinebuster on Williams gets the 3.

WINNERS AND NEW #1 CONTENDERS: Devon and D’Angelo Dinero.

Backstage, Kurt Angle is ranting about Anderson, Sting and Jeff Hardy. Some guy named Eddie Alvarez walks in to greet Angle. Angle acts like they are friends. I’m going to assume he’s some MMA fighter. I don’t really care.

Back from commercial, and we get a highlight video of the top four in BFG series-including comments from the participants-set to a song by the band Staind. I guess Dixie Carter’s taste in music is worse than Vince McMahon’s.

Back in the arena, said four are in the ring. Blubber says that he is a tag team god. He is the be-all, end-all of tag team wrestling, and he knows a great tag team when he sees one. He calls Beer Money Inc. a great tag team, and they will go down in history as one of the greatest tag teams in all of wrestling. Jury’s out on that one. Now, the bad news is, he knows what’s going on through both of Beer Money’s minds right now. They both want to win the series and go on to become World Champion, but won’t admit it to each other. He says they’re both wondering how successful they could be on their own, as every tag team wrestler wonders that, including Blubber. Way to state the obvious. He points at Gunner and says Gunner is willing to do everything to make sure Blubber wins the series. Gunner’s giving him a dirty look now. Both members of Beer Money, on the other hand, will do what’s right for them individually. Ray says he doesn’t have to be in tonight’s 4-Corners Match tonight, but will, because he wants to wear Beer Money down. He says he’s the next World Champion. If that happens, I don’t think I will be able to watch anymore.

Bobby Roode gets a microphone and says people want Blubber to shut the hell up. He says Blubber doesn’t intimidate him and won’t get into his head. He says Blubber was right about Beer Money’s greatness. He says he’s focused on becoming the next World Champion, and it’s been a dream for both him and James Storm, and that’s the dream of every wrestler in history. I feel like I’ve heard this approximately 10,567 times before. Roode says there will only be one man winning the series on Sunday. Blubber points to himself repeatedly. Roode asks him who is going to be the better man on that night, before saying it obviously won’t be Gunner. I like Roode a lot more after that comment. He also says it won’t be Blubber’s fat ass. I like even more after that one, too. Roode says that, whether it’s him or Storm walking out as the next champ at BFG, they will share the celebration and the victory, and no matter what, no one will ever come between their bond or kill Beer Money.

James Storm grabs a microphone and spews his stupid catchphrase. Was there even a point to that segment? And did Gunner even need to be there? He didn’t say a damn word. Not that I’m complaining, as he truly sucks on a microphone.

These new commercials for Droid Bionic are ridiculously overproduced and have nearly nothing to do with the actual phones. Oh, and if you plan on seeing “Buck Larson: Born To Be A Star”, don’t ever, EVER speak to me again.

Yet another Bound For Glory video package for the finals of the BFG series.

We get a clip of Eddie Alvarez fighting. He’s on commentary with a title belt. I’m guessing he’s a champion in MMA, but I’m not about to find out because I don’t care.

MATCH 2-World Television Championship: World Television Champion Eric Young vs. Robbie E
Holy s**t. The TV title is actually getting defended tonight? Wow, it only took him, what, 3 months? Taz tries to tell us Robbie E qualifies for the X-division, but Young does not. No way in hell Young weighs more than 225. Young knocks Robbie down and steps on his back. Robbie reverses a corner whip and does the Flair flip, but Robbie punches Young and gets a 2 with his feet on the ropes. Robbie hits a shot to the gut and some stupid slam. He tries to get another pin with his foot on the ropes, but the referee sees it. Robbie with a bodyslam. He gets on the middle rope, does some fist pumping and hits an elbow. Goes for a pin with his foot on the rope again. The referee won’t count it. Young takes his shorts off, revealing he’s wearing a pair of Robbie E’s tights. There’s nothing blatantly homoerotic about that. No, sir. Young hits some punches, a flying forearm and a bodyslam. Young goes up top and hits an elbow for 2. Young goes for a powerbomb, but Robbie rolls out. They reverse each other a few times before Young hits a piledriver for 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Eric Young. Rob Terry runs in and hits Young with a hoisted powerbomb. Guess his reunion with Magnus and Williams was forgotten. They immediately cut to commercial after the powerbomb. Weird spot to cut away at. This match sucked, and Young’s piledriver looked really bad.

Backstage, Jerry Lynn confronts Rob Van Dam. He basically says he’s sick of living in RVD’s shadow all these years. He’s good enough to make wrestlers look good and put others over, but not good enough to get a TNA contract. He says he’s been working in a warehouse the last few years. He told Bischoff and Hogan he’s better than RVD, and that yes, he screwed RVD last week. RVD knocks him to the floor.

In another locker room, Velvet Sky and Mickie James are talking. Mickie James is carrying a purse dog for whatever reason. Karen Jarrett walks in and say two dogs in the room are enough, and we don’t need three. She congratulates Mickie on winning the Knockouts title, but Winter has a rematch at No Surrender. She says Sky needs to go out there and blow the roof off the place because there’s more to wrestling than shaking your ass. She then tells Velvet she needs to lose a few pounds and lay off the cupcakes. I think Karen’s just mad because she lives on salt likes and bags of oats.

We see Jeff Hardy walk in. He looks fatter than usual. I thought meth addicts were skinny?

Apparently, our main event for the evening is happening halfway through the show, meaning Hardy will actually get the final spot on the show tonight.

MATCH 3-World Championship: Mr. Anderson vs. World Champion Kurt Angle (special enforcer: Sting)
Anderson does his stupid microphone schtick, and says “Ala-frickin’-bama” when addressing the crowd. God, I hate him. Speaking of people I hate, here comes Kurt Angle. He looks skinnier and stringier than ever. Seriously, is he starving himself, doing a load of drugs, or both? He looks beyond sickly at this point. Jeremy Borash is finally not wearing a suit that matches the ring. He does the introductions for everyone. They start with a lock-up. Anderson backs Angle into a corner and gets a clean break. Another lock-up that Anderson turns into a side headlock. Angle gets out and puts on a side headlock of his own. Angle knocks Anderson down off an Irish whip, followed by a hip throw into a side headlock. Anderson throws him off and catches a back elbow off the ropes. In the corner, Anderson lays in some shots. Angle goes for a clothesline, but Anderson reverses into a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Anderson whips Angle into the corner for another 2. Another corner whip, but Angle boots Anderson off and hits a clothesline for a 1-count. Angle goes back to the headlock again. Anderson elbows out, but Angle catches a kitchen sink off the ropes for 2. Back to the headlock. Angle’s been studying Randy Orton tapes, I see. Orton “stole” the Angle Slam, so Angle stole his headlock. They catch each other with a clothesline off the ropes at the same time. The referee is counting both men, but both are up. They trade some shots before Anderson hits a clothesline. Angle reverses a corner whip, but Anderson gets his boot up. Anderson runs into an overhead belly-to-belly suplex for 2. Angle goes for the Angle Slam, but Anderson reverses into the rolling fireman’s carry slam for 2. Anderson goes for the Mic Check, but Angle reverses into the dead guy German suplexes for 2. Angle throws the straps down, showing us his bird chest. Angle gets Anderson in the ankle lock, but Anderson reverses into a pin for 2. Anderson hits the Mic Check for 2. Both men are back up, but the ref gets a standing bump, allowing Angle to hit Anderson in the nuts. Angle hits the Angle Slam, and as the ref goes to count, Sting pulls him out to explain what happened. Angle turns around into another Mic Check. The ref begins to count, but Gunner runs in to cause the DQ.

WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Mr. Anderson. The rest of the H.O.G.s run and beat up Anderson and Sting. Jeff Jarrett looks exceptionally toolbox-y here tonight.

Based on this Domino’s commercial, I don’t ever want Jess touching a single pizza I order. No one should ever, ever be that excited to work for Domino’s.

Back from the commercial, we get a replay of what we just saw a few minutes ago.

In a locker room, Immortal is celebrating. Eric Bischoff tells them all to take it outside, as he has a call to make. Bischoff gets back on the phone, and seems to be mad about something.

MATCH 4: Angelina Love and Winter vs. Knockouts Champion Mickie James and Velvet Sky
My dog has a chew toy that kind of looks like Angelina Love, only it’s made of rope rather than silicone. Have I mentioned Winter and Mickie have two of the worst entrance themes ever? I’d still like to know why Taz compares Sky’s nether regions to a pigeon hut. Sky and Winter start off. James immediately tags in. So does Love. Man, this is an exciting match! Love backs James into a corner then throws her. They trade some shots. James hits an elbow off a corner charge, followed by the Tunacanrana. James gets a snapmare and tags in Sky. She hits a low dropkick for 2. Love with a jawbreaker, and now Winter’s in. She throws Sky into a couple of corners, but Sky reverses and hits a corner whip by an awful monkey flip. She drops Winter and Love with a headscissors hip throw combo. Love trips Sky from the outside. Winter throws her into a corner and then goads James, leading to a double-team behind the ref’s back. Sky elbows her way out, but can’t make it to her corner. Winter with a northern lights suplex for 2. Love tags in and gets a stomp. James comes in and whiffs a kick big time. Sky hits Love with a horrible-looking bulldog variation. Love tags Winter in and Sky tags in James. James hits the top rope Thesz Press on Winter, followed by some sloppy forearms and a neckbreaker for 2 before Love breaks it up. Sky is stomping Love in the corner now as Winter has James in another corner. Sky and James reverse a pair of corner whips into clotheslines. Sky spears Love. Behind the ref’s back, Winter spits corn syrup in James’ face and gets the 3.

WINNERS: Angelina Love and Winter. Remember when TNA had one of the best women’s divisions in the world? Yeah, neither does TNA.

Austin Aries makes his way down to the ring. Mike Tenay gives him the oh-so-clever nickname of “Mr. Win At All Costs”. Aries tells the crowd to “shhh”. He calls himself Eric Bischoff’s favorite X-division wrestler, and the next champion. He calls Brian Kendrick a strange little man and a big hypocrite. Kendrick’s actions have been the opposite of what he’s been preaching. He says Kendrick can’t stand that he has the spotlight and is the brightest shining star in the company. He challenges Kendrick to face him man-to-man right now.

Kendrick walks down to the ring in a suit and carrying a briefcase. Aries laughs at him. Kendrick says he understands why Aries is ridiculing him, as he’s been ridiculed for various reasons all his life. Today, he’s trying to annunciate and dress for success. His words. He says the definition of success is he who dies with the most toys wins. He tells us he’s been getting a lot of compliments on his suit today. Kendrick isn’t sure about this version of himself, and neither is the crowd. Kendrick says he hates “this guy”, throws his briefcase on the ground and begins taking his suit off as he continues to ramble on about whatever. He says life is suffering, and suffering stems from desire. He says the “god voice” inside him is stronger than any fear in existence. Aries says the belt belongs to him and Kendrick is disrespecting. Aries then makes a gay joke about testicles before calling Kendrick a fraud and that he’s afraid of Aries. Kendrick begins decking Aries. He tries for Sliced Bread #2, but Aries slides out of the ring and runs to the back.

Backstage, Bischoff looks pissed on his couch. Hogan comes in, thinking it’s 1984 as he flexes and rambles on in his Hogan-esque way about I don’t even know what. Bischoff says that they pissed off “The Network”, and because of what Bischoff and Hogan have said and done, we get a 3-way at No Surrender between Angle, Sting and Anderson for the title. Hogan says they can’t do this. Bischoff says it’s done. Hogan says he runs the company and is in control, not them. Hogan says it can’t get any worse as he shakes his head.

Up next, the 4-Corners Match.

We see Jeff Hardy wandering around backstage.

MATCH 5-4-Corners Match: Bully Ray vs. Gunner vs. Bobby Roode vs. James Storm
Christy Hemme announces this as a “4-Corners Tornado Match”. I’m going to assume that means all four guys are in the ring at once. Nice of them to tell us of this added stipulation just moments before the match starts. On a side note, I’ve seen indy rings bigger than TNA’s. Just saying. Not sure why they didn’t just make this a tag team match, since you know neither team will attack each other. Samoa Joe begins to walk down to the ring, but Matt Morgan attacks him from behind. Security is on these guys as the match has started. Ray is paired off with Roode while Gunner is with Storm. Storm with some punches and a forearm off the ropes. Ray hits him with a forearm, followed by some punches in the corner. Roode hits Ray with punches. Beer Money with a double back elbow on Ray and a double clothesline on Gunner. Gunner hits Roode with a clothesline for 2. Ray gets mad and says he’s supposed to win. Gunner knocks Roode down with another clothesline before throwing him into Ray for another clothesline. Best. Match. Ever. Gunner with some shots in the corner, but Roode counters as Storm hits a top rope cross body on Ray for 2. Storm with a clothesline and a neckbreaker on Gunner for 2. Ray hits a big boot on Storm before getting rolled up for 2 by Roode. Roode with a boot out of the corner and a middle rope blockbuster. Spinebuster on Gunner for 2, but Ray breaks it up. Roode throws him out before a double team suplex with Storm on Gunner. Ray back in with a double clothesline, followed by a uranage on Storm for 2. He hits Roode with the Bully Bomb, but turns around into a running knee by Gunner for 3.

WINNER: Gunner. Does anyone else think Gunner looks like the kind of guy who drives around in a white panel van with “Candy & Naps” painted on the side?

We see more of Jeff Hardy walking around backstage. Man, has his return been exciting!

Not sure if I want to see “Contagion” or not.

Wow. I just realized there’s only about 3 minutes left on this show. Guess Jeff Hardy’s not going to get that much time the luck. In the words of the Huntsman, “Darn the luck! Darn!” Seriously though, I have a feeling this show is going to go long because of this stupid Jeff Hardy crap.

Next week, we get Ric Flair and Sting one more time. I, for one, am just ecstatic.

Back from commercial, and Jeff Hardy is making his way to the ring. He looks either stoned or depressed. I suppose it could be both. Look who we’re talking about here, after all. Hardy thanks the crowd for their applause, saying he doesn’t deserve. For once, he’s right. He thanks “The Network” for letting him come out here. He says the last time he was here, he was pathetic and messed up. He talks about the infamous 82-second match with Sting at Victory Road, and says he let everyone down. He got here today, and the stress was overwhelming. He almost felt hated. He says there’s a ton of people mad at him in the back, and they have every right to be. He hit rock bottom at Victory Road. Jeff says he can’t expect everyone to forgive him and give him another chance. Great! So get the hell off my TV. He then asks for one more shot. The crowd starts a “One more shot” chant. Remind me to never go to Huntsville. Jeff says all he can do is ask, then drops the microphone.

End of show.

So…that’s what TNA hyped for a week, an apologetic Jeff Hardy, pretending to try and hold back tears? That’s just great.

Honestly, nothing good on this week’s show. The matches sucked, and the promos were worse. Normally, you can get at least a good X-division match on Impact, but not even that this time.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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