The 11/10/11 edition of Impact Wrestling starts off with a video recap of Bobby Roode not only winning the World title last week, but being pushed into a heel turn way too quickly and obviously. I didn’t notice Roode spit on Storm last week, but he apparently did.
We are once again “live” in Macon, GA. Things start off with the aforementioned Bobby Roode making his way down to the ring. Taz doesn’t understand why Roode did what he did. Probably because there was a World title at stake. Probably. Roode grabs a mic as the crowd is booing him heavily. Roode asks if they are booing him or chanting “ROODE”, because that’s what all of these morons were doing last week when they were cheering him on. Do they hate him because he killed Beer Money? Because all of these hillbillies would have done the same thing if given the opportunity he had? This is a new generation; a generation of selfishness, and Roode is the leader of the new generation. Doing things the right way in today’s society gets you nothing and nowhere. This is a dog-eat-dog world, and last week, he ate James Storm for lunch, and that stupid, sorry sonofabitch didn’t see it coming. It wasn’t his fault, and it’s on James. We cut to split screen where Storm is watching this on a monitor in the back. Roode says that, after 13 long, hard years, the opportunities he’s had only come along so often, so he made the most of the opportunity against his former tag team partner. Their hero, James Storm is in a hole in a wall somewhere, drowning his sorrows, while Roode is the new champion.
Storm makes his way down to the ring. Security tries to hold him off, but he takes a couple of them down before chasing Roode out of the ring. Sting makes his way out now. Sting looks really stupid wearing his wrestling gloves while in street clothes. He says tonight, he’s going to take the high road. There will be a World title rematch between Roode and Storm tonight. Roode screams “No!”
We get a video package hyping the impending Crimson/Matt Morgan match. Does anyone really give a damn about this match?
MATCH 1: D’Angelo Dinero vs. Crimson
I heard rumors Pope was leaving TNA a while back. Obviously, that’s not the case (not yet), but I’m not sure why. He’s clearly going nowhere in this company. Crimson’s back in red gear and has his hair dyed red once again. At least that makes sense. Seemed kind of pointless to call a blonde guy in white gear “Crimson”, after all. Tie up to start. Pope turns into an arm wringer. Crimson reverses. Pope reverses into a side headlock. Crimson with a shoulder block. Pope tries for a waistlock, but Crimson reverses into a side headlock. Pope reverses into one of his own. Pope with a kick to the knee and his sweet DDT for 2. Pope follows up with a fist drop and goes to the middle rope for another, which connects for another 2. Crimson comes back with punches, kicks and some knee strikes. Pope stops this with an uppercut. Pope goes to the middle rope again, but jumps off right into the Red Sky for 3.
Gunner is in the back and tells Garrett Bischoff he’s going to teach him a lesson about disrespect. In Immortal, Eric Bischoff is at the top of the chain of command. Get ready, Garrett. This is going to be a walk in the park. Wait…doesn’t “a walk in the park” mean things are going to be easy? Let me check. Yes, yes it does. Clearly, Gunner didn’t think that promo through very well. Shock of shocks.
MATCH 2: Gunner (w/Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair) vs. Garrett Bischoff
If Garrett wins here, Sting gets to rewrite Eric Bischoff’s contract. If TNA knew a thing about logic, they’d save this match for PPV where it might get a few more buys, given the stipulations. Of course, this is TNA. Garrett comes out to no music and is in very generic gym clothes. Gunner starts the match by talking a bunch of trash, something he’s not very good at. Gunner talks to Ric and Eric at ringside before turning around into an armdrag from Garrett. Garrett with another one and a hip toss. Garrett hits a back body drop off the ropes. He goes for another Irish whip, but Gunner slides out of the ring. Flair runs into the ring and hits the referee, causing the disqualification.
WINNER: Garrett Bischoff. So, Sting gets to rewrite the contract now. Wow…what a great match. Really worth the payoff. I thought Tenay was going to have a heart attack as he was watching Garrett perform the most basic of moves. Reminds me of when Tony Schiavone did the same thing at WCW Bash at the Beach ’97 when Dennis Rodman performed the exact same moves. Thrilling television here, folks.
Backstage, Robbie E and Rob Terry are trying to get in Ronnie’s dressing room. You can tell it’s his dressing room with the paper sign taped to the door that simply says “Ronnie”. Classy environment here in TNA. The fat security guard is telling both of them no one is allowed in. Eric Young pops his head out and asks if they want t-shirts. Robbie E tells Ronnie he doesn’t want this embarrassment before asking Rob Terry to hold him back.
We’re reminded of the tag team match coming up featuring the four aforementioned toolboxes, as well as the World title rematch for later tonight. Because, you know, a rematch for the World title should not only be given away on free TV rather than on PPV where fans might pay to see it, but should also occur at the exact same set of tapings that the original match took place at. Yeah, that’s a great idea.
After some commercials for some random crap, we cut to the locker room where James Storm is knocked out, bleeding from the head. There is a turned-over chair laying next to him. I’m guessing this means the rematch won’t take place tonight? You mean to tell me TNA might actually do something semi-intelligent and hold this match off for a later date? Another Festivus miracle!
MATCH 3: Zema Ion vs. Jesse Sorensen
While I’m glad to see an X-Division match taking place here, it’s between two guys the fans mostly don’t care about, one of which hasn’t been seen on here in at least a month. Sorensen signs a football on the way to the ring. Yeah, I don’t know either. Sorensen starts with a pair of arm drags into an armbar. Ion knees his way out. Sorensen fires off a nice dropkick, sending Ion to the floor. Sorensen follows up with a plancha. Back in the ring, Sorensen hits a punch in the corner. Ion escapes out of a corner whip and hits a middle rope spinning cross body for 2. Sorensen goes for a back suplex, but Ion backflips out, puts Sorensen in the same position and flips him over into a facebuster over the knee. Ion goes up top, but misses the 450 Splash. Sorensen hits his weird-looking swinging neckbreaker, and this one’s over.
WINNER: Jesse Sorensen. Man, did they even get 3 minutes for this match? The shortness of some of these matches is just ridiculous. Kid Kash makes his way out and sarcastically calls Sorensen impressive, and “Mr. 10 Days In The Business”. Kash says he has 20 years in the business, and has done it all. No one ever gave him a damn thing, and he “took everything he ever gave” (?). He’s going to give Sorensen the opportunity of a lifetime. At Turning Point, he’s going to give Sorensen an X-Division title match against Austin Aries and Kid Kash in a 3-way dance. The contract’s only missing one signature, so if Sorensen wants it, sign it, superstar. Kash continues to beg him to sign it over and over. Sorensen signs it. Kash says he made the biggest mistake of his career. He says Sorensen’s mother is really proud of him, and tell her Kash says “thank you”. Sorensen attacks Kash, but Aries runs in and hits Sorensen with the belt from behind. He goes for the brainbuster, but instead throws Sorensen into Kash, allowing Kash to hit the Moneymaker. Who in the hell thought it would be a good idea to let Kash speak for that long?
Back in one of the locker rooms, Gail Kim is putting on makeup. Karen Jarrett tells her she’s beautiful and calls Madison Rayne pretty. She says Kim has the opportunity to beat Velvet down tonight. She then screams at Traci Brooks for almost blowing everything for them. Kim, Rayne and Jarrett share a hug.
I’m picking up Need For Speed: The Run and Assassin’s Creed Revelations next week. I’ll let you know how awesome they are.
MATCH 4-Knockouts Tag Team Championship: Mickie James and Knockouts Champion Velvet Sky vs. Champions Gail Kim and Madison Rayne (w/Traci Brooks and Karen Jarrett)
Before the match starts, Karen pushes Rayne into the ring and holds Gail Kim back, telling Rayne to handle things. Sky starts off with a tackle on Rayne, a forearm to the back and a kick to the but. Kim knocks Sky down from behind. Rayne telegraphs a back body drop. Sky kicks off before James temporarily forgets to tag in. She hits Rayne with a dropkick and a flapjack. She goes up top, but Kim knocks her off. Kim tags in now and whips Rayne into James in the corner. Rayne then does the same to Kim. Kim with a short-arm clothesline. James punches out of a front chancery and goes to tag in Sky, but is pulled down by her hair. Kim goes for another short-arm, but James reverses into what Mike Tenay called a “hangwoman’s-style” neckbreaker. Sky tags in, hits a clothesline, a facebuster and a bulldog. She then hits Kim with a really crappy looking neckbreaker-type thing. She sets up Kim for the DDT, but Karen Jarrett gets on the apron to distract the referee. Rayne comes in and tries to kick Sky, but Sky blocks it into a terrible-looking sit-out double-arm facebuster. She gets back up and walks right into Kim’s foot-to-the-face move that still doesn’t have a name in TNA yet. This gets 3.
WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: Gail Kim and Madison Rayne. Anyone else notice Madison Rayne’s tights look a lot like the gear “Bad Ass” Billy Gunn used to wear? Just saying. Seriously, why does she have a painting of lipstick on the ass of her tights? Is there a point to that?
Backstage, a doctor is checking on James Storm. Sting comes in wanting to know who did it. Storm says he’s fine before stumbling into some chairs. Sting says, if Storm’s fine, tell him what city they’re in. Storm screams that he’s fine.
We get a video recapping the oh-so wonderful feud between Eric Young and Robbie E, bro.
MATCH 5: Robbie E and Rob Terry vs. Ronnie and World Television Champion Eric Young
So, they took the time to make a video and song for Ronnie, who will be gone after this week, but couldn’t take the time to do the same for Garrett Bischoff, who will be with TNA until Eric Bischoff either quits or dies? Makes sense. Ronnie is clearly taking this seriously by coming out in jeans and a t-shirt. Last time I checked, this wasn’t a street fight, which renders the street clothes look ineffective. Robbie and Ronnie start off. Robbie immediately tags in Terry. Ronnie tags in Young. Just typing all of these names, a casual observer might think I was describing a gay porn rather than a wrestling match. Young tries for a shoulder block, but gets knocked on his ass. Young then tries to lock up with the referee. He hits a corner dropkick on Terry and goes for mounted punches. Terry carries him to the middle of the ring, where Young bites him. Terry hits a back body drop before tagging in Robbie. Robbie with a back elbow. Young fights back with some punches, but Robbie comes back with a knee lift. Terry tags back in and hits a forearm to the chest. Terry hoists Young up for the delayed vertical suplex, which connects. Robbie tags back in, and they hit a terrible version of the Demolition Decapitation for 2. Robbie spits in Ronnie’s face, causing Ronnie to come in and cause a distraction. Robbie whips Young into the corner, but misses a charge. Robbie runs right into a belly-to-belly from Young. Young tags in Ronnie. Ronnie hits a clothesline and a bodyslam. Young comes in with a top rope elbow drop before Ronnie hits the worst splash this side of Snooki at Wrestlemania to pick up the 3.
WINNERS: Ronnie and Eric Young. For whatever reason, Young pulls his wrestling shorts off after the match. Why?
Tonight, we will see a six-man match as Scott Steiner, Bully Ray and Jeff Jarrett take on Mr. Anderson, Jeff Hardy and a mystery partner. Styles/Daniels is up next.
Cue to Jeff Jarrett yelling at Anonymous Interviewer as Blubber Ray and Johnny Bravo look on in the background, doing what they do best, which is just uselessly taking up space. Jarrett says Hardy is his one and only focus. He won’t make it to Turning Point, as Jarrett’s going to take him out tonight. Blubber Ray rants about how he’s going to beat up Mr. Anderson one more time tonight. Steiner says “You two skimmy bastards, go find one of your skim friends, and we’ll beat ‘em all up!” He then says, “I’m gonna take an Anderson AND Hardy right nap”, before walking into a bathroom. Scott Steiner=promo gold. Blubber tells him not to forget a courtesy flush, as he had a lot of eggs today. Is that supposed to be funny?
TNA is now doing a commercial for their merchandise website where Don West is doing a parody of stupid shows like Ghost Hunters. Kill me.
Backstage, we see Mexican America walk into the catering area where Ink Inc. are sitting with Christina von Eerie (I don’t recall what she’s being called in TNA, and I don’t care). The two sides begin brawling. Hey, remember how Mexican America are the Tag Team Champions? Neither does anyone else. Sarita’s no longer wearing her thong mask. Eventually, Mexican America just gives up completely. Also, apparently, Ink Inc. have a Tag Team title match at the next PPV. Makes sense, since they have beaten approximately no one to earn a title match.
Back in the arena, Tenay and Taz are joined by Bjorn Rebney, who is the founder and CEO of Bellator Fighting Championships. Great. Who gives a damn? What does this have to do with anything at all? Bjorn lies out his ass and says he watches TNA every week and it’s a thrill to be sitting here. Please, Bjorn. No one watches this show every week except me.
MATCH 6: Christopher Daniels vs. A.J. Styles
Daniels and Styles both have new entrance themes, and they are both highly generic. Tie up to start, and Daniels backs Styles into the corner before hitting some shoulder blocks and kicks. Bjorn is talking about how Viacom is now the majority owner of Bellator. I care. Back to the match, Styles hits some punches and kicks in the corner. Daniels comes back with a boot and a side headlock. Daniels with a shoulder block. Styles trips him up off a run. Styles hits some chops in the corner. Daniels comes back with a clothesline. Styles misses a dropkick off the crisscross, but does connect with a second attempt off the ropes. Styles gets a kick to the back on Daniels and the jumping knee drop. Styles goes for a springboard, but Daniels knocks him down for 2. Daniels kitchen sinks Styles, then kicks him between the shoulder blades. Bodyslam by Daniels, and a split-legged moonsault gets 2. Daniels locks in a body scissors. Styles elbows his way out of the hold. Daniels walks right into a head scissors, but still manages to roll-up Styles for a pin attempt. Even with his feet on the ropes, Styles kicks out at 2. Daniels goes for Angel’s Wings, but Styles backflips out. Styles hits the moonsault into the inverted DDT, a beautiful move I haven’t seen in a long time (Tenay referred to it as an “inverted, reverse-style DDT”. Way to go, ‘Professor’). Both are back up now. Daniels misses a corner charge and runs right into a clothesline. Styles follows it up with a back elbow, a kick to the leg and a standing enziguri. Styles hits the Superman before going for the Styles Clash. Daniels reverses out, but winds up eating a Pele. Styles goes for the cover, but Daniels gets his foot on the bottom rope. Daniels slides to the floor as Styles argues with the ref. Daniels is looking for something under the ring, but Styles baseball slides him before he can find it. Styles jumps off the apron, but Daniels catches him, rams him into the guardrail, then hits a uranage backbreaker. Daniels pulls a toolbox out from under the ring and grabs a screwdriver out of it. Rob Van Dam yanks the screwdriver out of Daniels’ hand. The distraction causes Daniels to run into a fireman’s carry into an over-the-knee neckbreaker by Styles. Styles immediately turns this into the Styles Clash and gets the 3.
WINNER: A.J. Styles. I’ve seen better outings from these two, but this was still a really good match. If only TNA could put matches like this on more often.
Six-man tag is up next.
I love how TNA never announces the card for their upcoming PPV until the go-home episode of Impact every month. Oh, and no World title match announced for the PPV. Apparently, it’s going to be headlined by Jarrett/Hardy. This wasn’t even a good main event when it was a main event 6 years ago.
MATCH 7: Bully Ray, Jeff Jarrett and Scott Steiner (w/Karen Jarrett) vs. Jeff Hardy, Mr. Anderson and Abyss.
You know what? Thanks to Mr. Anderson, the word “assh*le” no longer means a damn thing. I can’t ever use it as an insult again. He’s completely ruined the word. And TNA’s entrance “videos” are all incredibly generic, but Jeff Hardy’s most definitely takes the top spot as most generic. Third member of the face team turns out to be Abyss, who gets a mild-at-best reaction from the crowd. I swear the back of Hardy’s t-shirt said “The King of Condoms”. I’m sure it said something else that was even dumber, but that’s honestly what it looked like. Abyss and Jarrett start things off. Abyss immediately tags in Hardy, which causes Jarrett to chickensh*t out and tag in Steiner. What could have possibly been going through Steiner’s mind when he got that tattoo done? Steiner backs Hardy into the corner and lays in some shots before hip tossing him back to the middle of the ring. Steiner with a club to the back and a corner whip. Hardy tries to jump out, but Steiner catches him. Steiner goes for a powerslam, but Hardy slides out and hits the reverse enziguri. Anderson tags in and locks in an arm wringer, but Steiner punches out. Jarrett tags in and runs into a back elbow and swinging neckbreaker by Anderson for 2. Ray hits an elbow on Anderson from behind, causing Anderson to run into a clothesline from Jarrett, which happened to be quite possibly the worst clothesline I’ve ever seen. Ray tags in and hits some elbow drops. Steiner tags back in and boots Anderson in the gut before hitting a clothesline. Steiner hits the posing elbow before doing the “patented push-up”. How do you patent a push-up, Tenay? God, I hate you. Anderson comes back with a clothesline, and now both are down. Hardy and Ray both tag in. Hardy with a forearm shot and a kick out of the corner. Hardy lands the middle rope legdrop, then goes up top. Jarrett trips him up. Steiner climbs to the middle rop and hits Hardy with a middle rope fireman’s carry slam. Ray goes for the pin, but only gets 2. Ray locks in a body scissors. Hardy breaks out with elbows, but Ray elbows him in the back before a tag can be made. Jarrett tags in and throws Hardy into the corner. Hardy hits an elbow off the charge, then climbs up and hits Whisper in the Wind. Abyss and Steiner tag in. Abyss takes all the heels out with clotheslines. He hits an avalanche on Ray in the corner, followed by a boot on Steiner. Jarrett goes for The Stroke, but Abyss blocks it and hits the Shock Treatment. Ray clotheslines Ray to the floor. Hardy hits him with a Twist of Fate and a Swanton Bomb. Jarrett hits The Stroke on Hardy, but runs right into a Mic Check by Anderson. Anderson turns around into an overhead belly-to-belly by Steiner. Steiner looks for the Steiner Recliner, but breaks it as he sees Abyss climbing back into the ring. Steiner tries to hit Abyss with some shots, but Abyss reverses a whip into the Black Hole Slam for the 3.
WINNERS: Abyss, Jeff Hardy and Mr. Anderson.
Despite James Storm being laid out, the title match will still apparently happen tonight. Tenay and Taz argue like an old married couple over having to assume that Bobby Roode was responsible for the attack.
MATCH 8-World Championship: Champion Bobby Roode vs. James Storm
Storm has an excellent entrance video. It’s footage of him drinking beer, walking around in a field somewhere, and a close-up of jelly jars. Just brilliant. Storm doesn’t come out to his music the first time. After a second, the music starts up a second time. Storm does eventually make his way out, and he’s completely covered in blood as he stumbles down to the ring. You know, I understand he got busted open earlier, but are you telling me they couldn’t give him some bandages and clean him up a bit? It’s the same thing WCW did when Sting got a bloodbath on an episode of Nitro, and came back a week later still covered in dried “blood”. Storm gets to ringside, charges into the ring and takes Roode down before laying in some punches. Storm with some more punches and a corner whip. Storm back body drops Roode out of the corner, then immediately falls back down to the mat as Roode looks on. Referee Brian Hebner throws up the “X” sign, causing a doctor to come to ringside. The doctor states the obvious and tells Hebner he’s got a head injury. Roode is looking on concerned. The referee tells him the match is over as he tries to lift Storm up along with Hebner. Roode asks Hebner if he rung the bell, signifying that the match is over. Hebner says, “no”. Roode then schoolboys Storm to get the 3.
End of show.
So, let me get this straight. TNA has always been bad about announcing a PPV card until the go-home episode of Impact, as I mentioned earlier. That’s nothing new. However, this time, they outdid themselves and decided to book the main event title match at the very end of the go-home show, giving them not even so much as five minutes to build up the match and really entice fans to buy the PPV. That is some of the most idiotic booking of a PPV I’ve ever seen. And those in TNA wonder why fans refer to them as the reincarnation of late 90′s/early 00′s of WCW.
Anyway, this show had 8 matches, which has got to be a record for an episode of Impact. However, only two of those matches (Daniels/Styles; six-man) lasted longer than 5 minutes, and only one of those two (Daniels/Styles) was even worth watching.
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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.