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TNA Impact Wrestling Results and April 18 Recap

April 20, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

This week, TNA is once again in Corpus Christi, TX. The X-Division title will be on the line, and AJ Styles makes his in-ring return against James Storm.

We see Devon approach Tomax and Xamot somewhere in the back. He asks if they know what’s at stake tonight. Wes Brisco says he can beat Kurt Angle again. Garett Bischoff agrees. Devon doesn’t care what they say; he just wants them to get the job done.

MATCH 1-2-on-1 Handicap Match: Garett Bischoff and Wes Brisco vs. Kurt Angle
Apparently, the gang sign for Aces and Eights is the same as the Van Buren Boys. Now TNA has resorted to ripping off sitcoms. Wes starts off for his team, and Angle applies a waistlock before firing off some rights in the corner. He corner whips Wes, and Wes crashes to the mat. Angle then knocks Garett off the apron. Stomps in the corner on Wes, and Angle follows up with a suplex. He throws Wes to his own corner, where Garett tags himself in. Garett charges in and gets hit with a hip toss. Angle hits various strikes before stomping Garett to the mat, then picks him up and hits a back elbow. Wes comes in and gets hit with a back body drop. Commercials.

Back from the break, Angle is in control of Garett in the corner. Wes rolls into the ring and low-blows Angle behind the ref’s back. Garett begins stomping and punching Angle. He picks Angle up for some more punches, then grinds Angle’s face across the top rope. Garett flips off the crowd before hitting a suplex for 1. “You can’t wrestle!” chant starts at Wes tags in. He whips Garett into Angle in the corner, and Garett sends Angle into a clothesline by Wes for 1. Wes hits some punches and a clothesline in the corner, then rolls Angle over for another 1 before applying a rear chinlock. Angle counters with a back suplex. A “USA!” chant breaks out, despite all three of these guys being from the same country. Garett tags in and runs into a pair of clotheslines. Wes gets hit with the same. Overhead belly-to-belly for Wes, and a release German for Garett. Angle hits Wes with the Murder-Suicide. Garett tries to block it by letting Wes grab him, so Angle suplexes them both at the same time. Angle Slam on Garett for 2 as Wes breaks up the pin. Angle sends Wes shoulder-first into the post as D’Lo Brown makes his way to ringside. Angle applies the ankle lock on Wes as Mr. Anderson distracts the referee. D’Lo throws a chain to Garett, and he hits Angle in the back of the head, getting the 3.

WINNERS: Garett Bischoff and Wes Brisco. D’Lo orders Wes to pick Angle up, and he & Garett give Angle a spike powerbomb. Anderson gets on the mic and says this is the way things are going down from now on. Sting left Hogan’s side a few weeks ago and hasn’t been seen since. Jeff Hardy was decimated last week, and now Angle lies in shambles. If you’re not wearing one of these “cuts” tonight, “you in a bad frickin’ way”. One more thing: AJ Styles, they’re rooting for you, buddy.

We get comments from Zema Ion and Petey Williams in regards to their title match up next.

MATCH 2-3-Way Match for the World X-Division Championship: Zema Ion vs. Petey Williams vs. Kenny King (Champion)
King finally has some new music. Of course it’s generic hip-hop, but it’s still an improvement over his old theme.
King attacks the other two at the opening bell and hits Petey with a back elbow. We get our first look from TNA’s “X-Cam”, and I already hate it. You’d think they’d know better than to bring this back after it was partially responsible for killing Chris Candido. Anyway, Petey hits a dropkick to King’s back, and Ion comes off the top with a seated missile dropkick on Petey. Petey goes to the corner, and King stops Ion charging with a jumping roundhouse. King goes for the Royal Flush on Ion, but Petey yanks Ion off King’s shoulders. King hits a spinning Ghetto Blaster on Ion before going for the Flush on Petey. Petey counters it and hits the Canadian Destroyer, but only gets 2 when Ion breaks up the pin. Ion goes for the pin, but Petey breaks that up. Petey attacks Ion with rights before hitting a spinning headscissors. Ion sets Petey up in the corner, where Petey hits a hurricanrana for 2. Ion hotshots Petey into the ropes before hitting a jumping neckbreaker for 2. The fans are not into this match at all. Petey hits some knife-edge chops before Ion blocks an Irish whip and counters into a modified half-Boston crab. Petey gets a rope break, and now the two trade punches. Petey dominates, ducks a clotheslines and turns a headscissors into a side-Russian legsweep and then into a crucifix for 2. Petey hits a hoisted complete shot for another 2 as King is trying to get back in the ring. Petey calls for the Destroyer again, but Ion counters with a jawbreaker. Petey ducks a clothesline and hits a suicide dive on King. Ion charges in, but Petey shoulders him and hits an outside-in release German suplex before hitting an inside-out hurricanrana on King. Ion hotshots Petey before hitting the outside-in tornado DDT for 2. Ion drags Petey to the corner and goes for the running Asai moonsault. Petey blocks with his knees and goes for the Destroyer, but Ion counters into a roll-up for 2. Petey counters into a scorpion deathlock as King comes in. He hits Petey with a running dropkick, then covers Ion for 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Kenny King. Decent match, but King did mostly nothing the entire match, which is why I hate this style of match. One guy is always on the floor.

AI stops Magnus in the back, who has a TV title match tonight. Magnus says there’s history, but he’s confused about this situation. A and E are talking about creating so much chaos, but what they don’t realize is that tonight, Magnus is the one who is doing the taking, as he’s taking the title he’s been waiting five months for.

We see Brooke Hogan and Christy Hemme in the back talking about the new KO website. Apparently, Christy is running the site. And I should care why? Brooke calls Mickey James and Miss Tessmacher into the room. She tells them they’re both special and that’s why they’ve been chosen for their match later tonight. James leaves after a minute, and Tessy stays behind to talk to Brooke about Bully Ray, saying all of the Knockouts are there for her.

MATCH 3-World Television Championship: Devon (Champion) vs. Magnus
Wow. We get our first TV title match in what, six months?
Before the match, Knux and DOC try to attack Magnus on the stage, but he fights them both off. Devon then runs up and nails Magnus with a chain. DOC and Knux hold Magnus up and Devon hits him in the gut with the chain. Magnus tries to fight back, but gets hit with a double chokeslam on the ramp.

WINNER: No match, which means that the title will remain un-defended for the next six months or so. As A and E continue the attack, Samoa Joe comes out on stage and gets between them and Magnus. Just get rid of the title already, TNA, as it’s obvious you know how meaningless it truly is.

Samoa Joe is screaming at the camera in the back, calling all of A and E cowards. You come out and claim to be the best and put titles on the line, but then you pull that. It’s okay, Devon. He’s told the “powers-that-be” what he wants, and he’s got it. See you in the ring.

We get a video from a couple of weeks ago where Velvet Sky supposedly injured her knee.

MATCH 3-Winner becomes the new #1 Contender for the Knockouts Championship: Miss Tessmacher vs. Mickie James
ODB is once again the referee. Lock-up to start, and Tessy backs James into the corner before giving a clean break. Another lock-up, and now James backs Tessy into the corner, and another clean break. ODB calling both of these women “bitch” is pretty funny. Another lock-up, and James turns it into an armdrag. Tessy hangs on, and they go back into the lock-up. Tessy now armdrags James, who also holds on. It turns into another lock-up and James finally breaks it with the ropes. ODB grabs the arms of both women and tells them to fights. Tessy takes James and schoolgirls her for 2. James comes back with an arm wringer, then botches the piss out of a rolling jujigatame, which Tessy immediately breaks with the ropes before rolling to the floor. She drags James to the floor, where they trade forearm shots before grabbing each other by the hair. ODB breaks it up and tells them both to get back in the ring. Back in, Tessy ducks a clothesline, kicks James in the knee, then knocks her down with some punches. James sends Tessy into the corner, but Tessy ducks a charge and kicks her in the gut before hitting a Mug Shot for 2. In the adjacent corner, Tessy hits a running clotheslines, then hits a Stinkface. She whips James onto the mat for 2, then goes for another cover, getting another 2. James blocks a throw to the corner, then does a pair of them herself before hitting a flapjack. Up top, James hits a Thesz Press for 2. Mounted punches by James until ODB pulls her off. James turns around, and the two simultaneously clothesline each other. ODB begins the standing 10-count, and they manage to make it up at 8, taking turns slamming each other’s face into the mat. We then get full-screen replays mid-match. Genius. Tessy goes for Tessticular Cancer, but James blocks it and sends Tessy into the corner. She goes for the standing Tornado DDT and Tessy counters that into a sunset flip. James just sits down on Tessy and gets the 3.

WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: Mickie James.

We see AJ Styles in the back, and Bad Influence is hanging out in the background, with Christopher Daniels holding a t-shirt. As AJ walks off, Daniels says “the band is back together”. They then start singing “The Best Friends Song” from The Hangover.

Elsewhere, Joseph Park is on the phone. Devon approaches him and grabs the phone before telling him to stay out of family business. Park says he’s doing this for Brooke, and Bully Ray nails him from behind. He says he’s her husband and knows what’s best for Brooke. Ray says consider this a threat and not a promise: stay out of our family business. Devon then takes him into the bathroom and slams him into the shower wall before turning the water on him.

We now get a video package for Mickie James, talking about winning the belt back. God, I hate her voice.

James Storm is in the locker room, talking about trying to talk to AJ Styles. Now, it’s time to just kick the crap out of each other.

Bad Influence make their way out into the arena, ,and Daniels has the shirt he was holding tucked into his pants. Apparently, it’s just one of their shirts, but in a different color. Daniels says the year of Bad Influence continues. It is great to be them. The fans love them. They’ve got these sweet new shirts. The BI movie is in-production, and Morgan Freeman is in talks to play the role of Dixie Carter. But, the cherry on the sundae that is their lives, is they are THIS CLOSE to convincing AJ Styles to side with them. Kaz says they got him his own BI shirt in black and yellow. Now, their first matter of business involves their old amigos, “Churro Guerrero” and “Juan Hernandez”. As soon as you muchachos give them their title match, they will become World Tag Team Champions of the World, Part Tres. Now, you all have permission to worship them.

Bobby Roode and Austin Aries come out, and Roode says that he has to be the bearer of bad news. He’s sorry to say it, but BI aren’t the #1 contenders for the titles. Last week, Chavo and Hernandez fluked a victory over him and Aries, so before anything else happens, the former champs get a rematch. Daniels says Roode’s opinion would matter more if he wasn’t a Canadian. Aries says that, lucky for them, his opinion is more valuable than anything, and it comes down to this: BI have been a more successful team than they have. And maybe if he and Roode were “closer” to each other like BI, maybe they’d be a more “well-oiled” machine like a BI. Kaz makes fun of Aries for being a vegan, so Aries makes a joke about Kaz putting meat in his mouth. The four of them then scream incoherently at each other as Chavo and Hernandez enter the ring behind Aries and Roode. BI sees them and bails. As Roode and Aries turn around, they’re attacked by the champs and thrown to the floor. Chavo holds up a belt and says THIS is why they’re better. And…well, that’s it. That was literally Chavo’s whole promo.

Overly long video packages for Aces and Eights about how dangerous they are. This segues into a recap of Angle losing earlier tonight, and then it’s footage of Magnus getting attacked. As someone on FB once said, TNA should change their company motto to “We Are Recaps”.
We see Matt Morgan watching all of this, and it turns into a long promo about how stupid Hulk Hogan is. I’d recap it, but honestly, if you’ve heard Morgan do this promo once, you’ve heard every Morgan promo since then.

MATCH 4-World Television Championship: Devon (Champion) vs. Samoa Joe
Let’s see if it actually happens this time. Christy Hemme botched Devon’s intro. Devon attacks Joe as the bell rings, so looks like the match will indeed happen. Joe begins to fight back with some quick lefts before stomping Devon down. Joe hits a running leg lariat and follows upwith a snapmare, a chop to the back, a kick to the chest and a jumping knee drop for 2. Joe calls for the Kokina Clutch, and Devon counters out before hitting a spear. He chokes Joe over the bottom rope, but Joe gets back up and hits some rights. Devon rakes the eyes, then steps on Joe’s stomach in the corner. Snapmare by Devon, and an elbow drop gets 2. Devon applies a rear chinlock, and Joe fights out. Devon hits a right and corner whips Joe, but Joe counters, hits a running hip bump and a spin kick to the head. Joe sets Devon on the top rope as Garett and Wes comes to ringside. Joe takes them both out and goes for the Muscle Buster, but they get on the apron and distract the ref. As Joe goes for the move, Anderson runs into the ring and hits Joe with a pair of brass knuckles. Devon falls on Joe and gets the 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Devon. Devon props Joe on his knees after the match. Anderson puts the knuckles back on, gets on his knees and nails Joe in the face.

Next week, Mickie James gets her KO title match, and Roode/Aries vs. Chavo/Hernandez in a championship rematch from last week.

MATCH 5: James Storm vs. AJ Styles
AJ starts to bail on the match before the bell rings, but Storm attacks him from behind. He goes for a suplex on the ramp, but AJ blocks it. Storm goes for a powerbomb, but AJ escapes and hits Storm with a right. Storm comes back with an uppercut, and the match officially starts in the ring. AJ beats Storm down in the corner, then hits some elbows to the back of the head. AJ ducks a clothesline, but runs into a high knee. Storm hits some mounted punches before applying a side headlock. AJ comes back with a chopblock and a clothesline. Commercials.

Back from the break, AJ hits a vertical suplex on Storm before applying a rear chinlock. Storm eventually fights out, and now the two trade punches. Storm hits a forearm off the ropes, an inverted atomic drop and a clothesline. Back body drop off the ropes connects, and the old Eye of the Storm gets 2 (I say “old” because he uses that name for a different move now). Storm props AJ on the top rope and goes for a superplex, but AJ slides out and crotches Storm. Storm gets hung up in the Tree of Woe in the process, and AJ hits a running seated dropkick to Storm’s face for 2. Bad Influence come out on the ramp, cheering AJ on. AJ picks Storm up in a fireman’s carry, but Storm escapes, ducks a clothesline and hits a backcracker before sending AJ to the floor with a clothesline. Storm follows out, and AJ rams him into the apron before throwing him into the guardrail. Back in the ring, AJ misses a running boot and gets hit with Closing Time. Storm calls for the Last Call, but AJ blocks it and rolls through into a heel hook. Storm taps out.

WINNER: AJ Styles. Bad Influence enter the ring to congratulate AJ, who then attacks both of them. He stares at Storm and leaves the ring as A and E attack Storm from behind. BI roll back into the ring, and they get attacked as well. Kaz gets hit with the World title by Bully Ray, and Daniels is hit with a double chokeslam by Knux and DOC as Storm gets hit with a Sky-High by D’Lo. Ray gets on the mic and asks if we know who he is or who they are. They are the Aces and Eights. They are the men responsible for destroying all of your heroes. He is the man responsible for defeating and taking out Jeff Hardy. His brothers are the men responsible for taking out these three pieces of trash. You have no heroes left. Look around. All of your heroes are now just victims, and there’s one man you can blame this on: you can blame this on Hulk Hogan. Hulk is the reason why “all of your heroes are just another victim”. Dad: next week, live on Impact, Ray is calling you out in the middle of this ring. He wants to stare deep into your soul and tell you to your face you are the reason why all of their heroes are nothing but victims of Aces and Eights. And when you ride with the Aces and Eights, you never walk alone. Well, I would certainly hope not, since riding is an entirely different activity than walking.

End of show.

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TNA Impact Wrestling Results April 4 and Recap

April 07, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Someone the other day referred to Impact Wrestling as “TNA: We Are Recaps”. I think that’s extremely accurate. It’s ridiculous how much TNA recaps their own shows. It’s one thing to do a recap video of the previous week’s show at the beginning. It’s another to show video recaps of things minutes after they happened throughout the show.

This week on TNA Impact Wrestling Gut Check returns, and because Adam Pearce is involved, I’m actually somewhat looking forward to it.

The show opens with Aces and Eights (save for Bully Ray) making their way through the crowd. Anyone else notice that, since guys started getting unmasked, the amount of men in this group dropped from nearly 2 dozen to about 10? Mr. Anderson calls everyone douchebags (he is an expert on the subject), and he’s gotta package. He says that AJ Styles had TNA turn their back on him when he needed them. They have a “cut” for him, and hope he makes the right decision. Devon has an envelope in his hand, and it belongs to Brooke Hogan. When Bully Ray brings her out later, that envelope will bring a new meaning to the phrase “change of relationship”. D’Lo Brown also has a present for someone. It’s something he received, and it’s a letter from TNA Headquarters. Inside the letter was his notice of termination from TNA. After all of his years of hard work, he thinks he deserved more than a plain envelope. He didn’t get a phone call or a meeting. He doesn’t want a text or a tweet; he wants someone to come out and tell him to his face why he’s been fired.

Kurt Angle comes out, and he has something to say to Brown’s face. He’s going to walk down the aisle, get in the ring, look Brown in the eye and tell him how he really feels. Angle gets in the ring and tackles Brown for some mounted punches, and the rest of A and E immediately jump on him. Joseph Park, Magnus, Samoa Joe and Eric Young hit the ring to even things up, and they eventually clear the ring. Apparently, there will be a 10-man involving these guys later.

Joey Ryan stops Brooke Hogan in a locker room, offering her a favor. He knows she has a need, and knows he can fill it. She just fired the KO ref, and she needs a new ref for a match tonight, offering himself up for the job. Brooke agrees, but Ryan can’t touch the girls.

MATCH 1: Gail Kim and Tara (w/Jesse) vs. Knockouts Champion Velvet Sky and Taryn Terrell
Taryn looks decent until she smiles. She has too many teeth or something. Joey Ryan is patting down all of the competitors for “weapons”. Tara attacks Sky from behind, then chokes her over the top rope and hits a chop. Sky ducks a clothesline, hits a jumping one, followed by a second, and then applies a side headlock. Ryan begins massaging Sky, which causes her to break the hold. Kim and Taryn tag in, and Ryan is hitting on Taryn. Tara tags back in and Taryn reverses a clothesline into a backslide, followed bya schoolgirl. Ryan is doing no counting. Taryn pins Tara with a jackknife, yet still no count. Sky back in, and the faces hit a double shoulderblock and a double elbow drop. Sky goes for the pin, and Ryan stares at her butt while massaging himself. Kim runs in and clobbers Sky with a double axe handle. Tara stomps Sky down before throwing her into Kim’s foot. Kim tags in and hits some kicks to the gut, followed by a fireman’s carry into a pancake. She goes for the pin, and Ryan is still just petting himself. Tara back in, and she begins ramming her shoulder into Sky’s gut in the corner. Ryan steps between them and stares at Tara, so Jesse jumps on the apron out of jealousy. Sky rolls Tara up with no pin counted. Tara pops up with a clothesline and goes for the standing moonsault, but Ryan stands in the way. She pushes him aside and then misses the move. Kim and Taryn tag in, and Taryn hits a pair of clotheslines and a back elbow. Snap suplex by Taryn, and she goes up top, hitting a cross-body. She slams Kim’s head into the mat, and Tara comes in, hitting Taryn with a clothesline. Sky dropkicks Tara to the floor, and Kim clobbers her from behind. Ryan is making a pass at Kim, and she seems to like it, shoving him into the corner and playing with his mustache. Ryan starts stripping his clothes off as Taryn rolls Kim up from behind. Kim reverses the roll-up with a handful of tights and Ryan makes a fast 3.

WINNERS: Gail Kim and Tara. Ryan tries to celebrate with Kim after the match, but she leaves him hanging. He gets back in the ring to check on Taryn and Sky while massaging baby oil into his chest. Sky pretends to be interested, and Taryn low blows him from behind.

We see the World Tag Team Champions in the building. They’re headed out to the ring.

Back from the break, the tag champs are in the ring, along with Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez. They are facing off for the titles next week, and they’re signing the contract tonight. Austin Aries tells JB to shut up. Bobby Roode asks if either Chavo or Hernandez have been the World Champion. The reality is, is that neither one of them can hold a candle to either Roode or Aries. Chavo reminds us he’s a Guerrero, and calls Hernandez “strong as a son of a gun”. Stop letting this man speak. Aries asks if they’re bored with him and Roode beating them all the time. These contracts aren’t ironclad, so let’s make this more interesting. Aries adds a fruit basket, green M&Ms and more money for the winners. Chavo adds something, and the champs seem amused. Roode and Aries add one last thing, and Chavo agrees to it. Aries then asks JB to make everything official. JB announces that the titles are on the line next week in a Best-of-3-Falls Match, and if the challengers lose, they will never team again in TNA. Everyone signs the contract, with Hernandez being hesitant.

Video package for Adam Pearce, a 17-year veteran of wrestling and a former NWA World Champion and the former booker for ROH. He also reminds us he’s already faced nearly everyone in TNA at some point or another, which is true.

We then get a video for Magno, who I had never heard of until last week. His whole video is in Spanish, as he apparently doesn’t speak English. It’s subtitled, but I’m not going to give all the details. He basically talks about what a luchador is, and that his mask defines him.

MATCH 2-Gut Check: Adam Pearce vs. Magno
Magno is a 13-year pro, and was trained by Gory Guerrero, apparently. Pearce reverses an arm ringer and turns it into an armbar. Magno counters into an armdrag. Pearce goes into a hammerlock and takes Magno down. Magno counters into a headscissors, and we get another standoff. Pearce goes back to the arm and forearms Magno in the face before stomping him. In the corner, Pearce hits a European uppercut and sends Magno to the opposite corner. Magno blocks the charge but gets hit with a back body drop for 2. Magno botches a spot in the corner before rebounding and hitting a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. He botches a springboard moonsault for 2. Not off to a good start for the luchador. He goes for a springboard cross-body, but Pearce counters and turns it into a spinebuster for 2. Pearce nails a forearm and sends Magno into the ropes. Magno flips over and hits a headscissors from the apron. A pair of clotheslines connect, as does a corner kick. Pearce gets clotheslined to the floor, and now Magno goes to the top, botching another moonsault to the floor. Oy vey. Back in the ring, Pearce trips Magno and pins him with a rope assist.

WINNER: Adam Pearce. Wow. For as good as Pearce is, this was a really lousy performance. Not all of the blame can be placed on Magno, either. There was just no flow to this match at all.

We see AJ Styles in the back, and he’s approached by A and E. Mr. Anderson says AJ has had a change on his outlook on life. They like it and could use a guy like him in his organization. They had a vest made for him, and Anderson tells him to try it on and just think about joining them.

Sting/Bully Ray video package.

AI stops Hulk Hogan and asks about Sting. He says Sting isn’t here. He needs warriors here, not more politicians. He’s going to the ring to call another warrior out, because he needs to know where this person stands.

Kurt Angle is approached by Joseph Park in the back. He tells Angle he’s here for a fight tonight. He and his classmates watched Angle win his gold medal. A and E did him wrong, and he wants to stand by Angle’s side against A and E tonight. Angle tells him to follow his lead, and if he sees an opportunity, take it.

Hulk Hogan makes his way into the arena. We’ve heard him talk a lot about past mistakes. He won’t make those mistakes anymore. He’s going to lead with his gut, as well as make decisions with it. TNA is being held hostage right now, and there’s one man his gut is telling him to call out, and he’s going to do that right now. That man is none other than AJ Styles, brother. AJ comes out, and he’s still got the A and E vest in his hand. Hulk asks AJ is joining A and E, because if that’s the case, they are way off the page. He understands the personal crap AJ went through. He made the stipulation about the title match, and when AJ lost, he drifted off and turned into a different person. This roster is his family, and AJ has never strayed from them. He’s looking at AJ right now, and he sees a different guy. He’s praying he’s not joining A and E, because AJ is the man he needs right now. TNA needs help, and they need someone dangerous like AJ, brother. Hulk needs AJ Styles, and needs the dangerous version. He hands the mic to AJ. AJ looks at the vest for a moment and asks if Hulk wants him to help. Before he can go further, James Storm interrupts. He remembers the match stipulation where the person who got pinned didn’t get a title match for a year. He also remembers that he was the guy who pinned AJ. That’s how it goes. Everyone loses big matches. What really bothers Storm, though, is that last week, AJ stood there and watched as A and E jumped him. Storm has known AJ for 17 years and has been in TNA since day one as well. They helped build this company. He’s done everything AJ has done. Every time they clock in and get in the ring, they wrestle and perform because it’s what they love to do. From the Asylum in Nashville, to Europe, to San Antonio, to here in Jonesboro, they built this. And now AJ wants to join A and E? Go ahead, because you’re not the same guy he remembers at the fairgrounds. So, AJ better clock out before he gets knocked out. AJ dropes the mic and leaves the ring, still holding onto his vest. Anyone else think this angle is almost exactly like Sting/nWo in 1997?

MATCH 3-3-Way X-Division Qualifier: Sonjay Dutt vs. Mason Andrews vs. Petey Williams
Andrews pokes the other two in the chest, so Petey slaps him. Dutt applies a side headlock before shouldering Williams down. Series of pinfalls by all three, and now we have a standoff. Andrews goes to the floor, and Dutt dropkicks Petey for 2. Drop toehold into the ropes by Petey, and he nails Andrews on the floor with a suicide dive. Dutt goes for a plancha, but Petey moves and Dutt hits nothing but air. Andrews rolls Petey into the ring and hits an elbow for 2. Stomps by Andrews, and a spinning backbreaker gets 2. Andrews knocks Dutt off the apron, and now Petey hits some chops. Andrews cuts him off with a kneelift and rams him into the corner. Snapmare out of the corner, followed by an elbow to the shoulder from the second rope for 2. Dutt comes back in and applies an abdominal stretch on Petey. Andrews throws Dutt to the floor and goes after Petey. Dutt comes back in with a springboard dropkick on both competitors. Andrews sends Dutt in the corner, and Dutt counters with a Pendulum, followed by a legdrop across the middle rope. Springboard falling splash by Dutt on Andrews gets 2. Dutt goes for an Ace Crusher, but Petey blocks that and hits a spinning headscissors into a side-Russian legsweep for 2. Dutt counters into a crucifix for 2, and Petey pops back up with a kick. He goes for the Destroyer, but Dutt shoves him into the corner. Up top, Dutt goes for a super hurricanrana, but loses his balance. Andrews pops up with his own version on Petey, and Dutt hits Andrews with an Asai DDT. He goes for a moonsault double stomp, but Andrews moves. Dutt lands on his feet and gets nailed with a running knee, sending him to the floor. Petey gets back in the ring and quickly snaps off the Canadian Destroyer on Andrews for 3.

WINNER: Petey Williams.

We’re in the A and E clubhouse now, and Bully Ray is pissed. He blames Kurt Angle and all of his friends for his bad mood. He knows his boys will get the job done tonight in the 10-man. Let’s go out, kick their asses, take their names, and take their frickin’ souls. Devon has something to ask, and that’s if he’s ready to deal with Brooke. Ray says to be honest, he misses his wife. She took good care of him, and Devon asks if she likes “tag teams”. Ray is going out there, will look her in the eyes, hand her the envelope, and after that, they will all be able to move forward.

MATCH 4: Aces and Eights (Garett Bischoff, Wes Brisco, World Television Champion Devon, DOC and Knux) vs. Kurt Angle, Magnus, Joseph Park, Samoa Joe and Eric Young
Angle whips Wes into the ring, then hits some clotheslines. He beats Wes down in the corner, then foot chokes him. Snap suplex gets 2. Wes rakes the eyes and tags in Garret, who gets hip tossed. Angle knocks Garett down with punches, then beats him down in the corner before choking him with his knee. Magnus tags in and fires off some rights. Garett ducks a clothesline before getting caught. Magnus hits him with a modified northern lights bomb, then tags in Joe. Joe hits an inverted atomic drop, Magnus follows with a running boot, and Joe hits a running senton. Garett rakes the eyes and tags in Devon. Joe ducks some punches and hits a series of rights, followed by a running hip bump in the corner and a spin kick to the head. Devon gets dropped with a chop to the chest, and Jo follows up with a chop to the back, a kick to the chest and a jumping kneedrop for 2. Devon fights back and tags in Knux, who hits some rights. Joe ducks a clothesline and hits a running knee. EY tags in, and he comes off with a double axe handle to the arm. EY hits some rights in the corner until Knux hits him with a kneelift. Rights by Knux (noticing a trend here), and he sends EY into the corner, where he hits more punches. EY suckers Knux into the ropes, sending him to the floor, where EY hits a slingshot cross-body. Commercials.

We’re back, and EY gets a 2-count on Knux. Knux fights back in the corner, hitting a forearm to the face and sending EY to the floor with a big boot. Devon rolls EY back in the ring, and Knux hits a legdrop before tagging in DOC. DOC drops an elbow, then hits some body blows in the corner, followed by an uppercut. Short-arm clothesline connects, and DOC follows up with a Warrior Splash for 2. Devon tags in and fires off rights in the corner before hitting a snapmare and applying a trapezius claw. EY fights out, but runs into a spinning back elbow. DOC tags back in and hits an uppercut. EY counters a back suplex and hits a jawbreaker. DOC and Knux knock all of the faces off the apron, preventing a tag. In the corner, EY avoids an avalanche and hits an enziguri. Joseph Park is the only guy on the apron for EY’s team, so he tags in. Park hits some lefts and rights on DOC before clotheslining him to the floor. He knocks Wes down, then the rest of the heels off the apron. Bodyslam on Wes, who apparently tagged in, and a jumping splash gets 2. Both sides fill the ring and brawl now, and guys get sent to the floor, one-by-one. Joe, Park and Devon are the last three left in the ring. Devon hits a right on Joe, but Joe ducks a clothesline and hits a suicide dive to the floor. Devon ducks a clothesline by Park and hits a standing spinebuster. He goes up top for the headbutt, but Park moves out o fthe way. Park mounts the middle rope for the Closing Argument, but Wes and Garett run in. He double clotheslines them, and DOC hits Park with a low blow before getting the 3.

WINNERS: Aces and Eights.

Hulk is in the back with Brooke. He doesn’t feel right about tonight. Brooke says she can handle things tonight, and she’ll even bring security with her. She just wants to get this over with and have no more drama.

Bully Ray makes his way out through the crowd, manila envelope in hand. In seven days, the biggest World Championship rematch in wrestling history (ha!), Ray/Hardy in Corpus Christi, TX, Full Metal Mayhem. Hardy, you have to be the stupidest person he’s ever met. Why on L. Ron Hubbard’s green Earth would you challenge him to a match involving tables, ladders and chairs? Oh, my. That’s in seven days, though. Tonight, Ray wants to take care of some personal business. He would like his beautiful wife (double ha!) Brooke to come to the ring. Brooke comes out with two Atlas Security guys. Ray asks her how she is, then wants to know why she isn’t wearing her wedding ring. He’s still wearing his. It’s a sign of his love and devotion to her. He expects her to do the same for him. He’ll give her a pass this week, but from now on, do what your told and where your ring. He asks what the security guards are for. They should be here for Ray’s protection. After Lockdown, Brooke was a crazed woman, yelling and screaming, kicking things, knocking over tables…she was insane. She should have been happy that night, since her husband became champion. She should have acted like a good wife, but no, she’s an insane woman. That’s okay, though, as he forgives her. He asks if she knows what the envelope is. She guesses it’s divorce papers. Ray says he loves her, and couldn’t have done this without her. She’s the woman behind him that makes him so great. He couldn’t have done this without her. He tells her to open it, and inside is a ticket. It’s a front-row ticket for next week’s Impact. He wants her to sit in the front row and defeat Hardy for the second time. He wants her by his side, cheering him on, looking as beautiful as possible, because lately, she’s let herself go. Brooke slaps Ray on that note, and he laughs. He says he can’t help it, because she’s pathetic. She just smacked him in the face, and he’s laughing at her. He’s in her head so bad, it’s not funny. To be honest, he’s been in her since day one. He dares her to smack him again when Jeff Hardy’s music hits. He orders Brooke out of his ring as Hardy charges in. They brawl until Ray low blows him. Hardy no-sells it and starts fighting back.

End of show.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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TNA Impact Wrestling Results March 28 and Recap

March 30, 2013 By: Category: Videos, WWE | Pro Wrestling

TNA Impact is in Jonesboro, Arkansas this week, and man, these shows have been total throw-away lately. Not good, especially when this is the beginning of TNA being on the road full time.

Before I get into the recap, I would like to express my deepest sympathies to the family of “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair. For those that might not have heard yet, Flair’s youngest son Reid was found dead earlier today (Friday) at just 24 years old. Cause of death is unknown at this time. It is truly a tragedy when a father has to bury his son, but when the son is so young, it’s even worse. I can’t even imagine what is going through Ric’s head right now. I have a feeling I know what caused the death, but it really doesn’t matter right now. This is horrible news, and my thoughts are with Ric and his family at this time.

It is OFN once again, and you can probably guess I’m thrilled. The show opens with the new #1 contender for the World title, Jeff Hardy, making his way into the arena. Hardy says that, last week and tonight, he’s not 100%, but he still feels better. He tested himself against Kurt Angle, Magnus and Samoa Joe, and he now stands as your #1 contender. With that said, it’s OFN, and he’s gotta call someone out. Before that can happen, though, Bully Ray cuts him off. Ray makes his way out through the crowd, flanked by the rest of Aces and Eights. Ray says that everyone in this arena needs to sit down and shut their mouths. He’s sick and tired of hearing Hardy’s voice, and he’s sick and tired of listening to Hardy bitch and moan. Do you know who they are? Hardy, they are the Aces and Eights. You want to call him out, Jeff? Why would you want to do that? This title wouldn’t be on the line, and he wouldn’t want to see anything bad happen to Hardy in front of all of his moron “creatures of the night”. Mr. Anderson steps in and asks Ray if Hardy is getting another second chance. No, no, no. That would never happen in a million years. Oh, wait. That happens all the time. This guy gets tons of chances. Remember all of those free passes you and he got? That didn’t happen, because they don’t need them. But hey, as long as Hardy isn’t burning down building and is still selling “merch”, the rules don’t apply to him. Hardy is a disappointment, and was a big one when he lost fair and square to Ray at Lockdown. And in Corpus Christi, he’s going to be a disappointment yet again. Hardy’s had enough, and he knocks the two off the apron. The rest of A and E hit the ring and beat Hardy down. Ray goes to swing his chain at him, but Eric Young, Magnus, Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle run down and clear the ring. Ray calls for the gang to regroup and head back through the crowd. Hardy then grabs a mic and calls Anderson out for later tonight.

We see Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez in the back, complaining about Bad Influence costing them matches. Chavo then reminds us it’s OFN, son. Hernandez whistles at the camera. The two then make their way out in to the arena, and you can pretty much guess where this is going.

After the break, Chavo and Hernandez are in the ring. Chavo says that, last week, they was robbed. They were cheated out of the titles by Bad Influence. That’s cool though, because tonight is about payback, son. Do you know what tonight is? It’s OFN, holmes. They’ve talked to Hulk Hogan, and there’s a stipulation added to the match tonight: the winners will be the new #1 contenders for the tag titles. Bad Influence, you better be ready, because they’re going to kick your butts all over Jonesboro, essas. It’s bad enough that Hernandez can’t talk for sh*t. Replacing his former mouthpiece Anarquia (who also couldn’t talk for sh*t) with Chavo (who can’t talk for sh*t, either) is not helping the situation.

MATCH 1-Winners will be the new #1 contenders for the World Tag Team Championship: Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez vs. Bad Influence (Christopher Daniels and Kazarian)
Chavo and Kaz start the match with a lock-up. Chavo breaks free, hits a hip toss and an armdrag. Hernandez tags in, and he bodyslams Chavo onto Kaz before hitting a Warrior Splash for 2. Kaz rakes the eyes and tags in Daniels. Daniels runs right into a bearhug suplex. Chavo back in, and Chavo hits a hilo as Daniels is stretched across Hernandez’s knees. He beats Daniels down in the corner. Daniels reverses a corner whip, but gets back dropped to the floor as he charges in, hitting the back of his head on the ring steps on the way down. That was a bad spot. Thank Chavo for being careless and not paying attention to where he is. Chavo goes for a dive, but Kaz low-bridges him from the other side before BI begins a double-team on Hernandez. Hernandez fights out of the corner and backflips back to the apron. Chavo is back in, and he hits a forearm on Daniels, and the faces hit a pair of Air Mexicos from the ramp into the ring. Chavo goes for the 3 Amigos, but Kaz blocks them and sends Chavo into the corner. The heels do an illegal double-team in the corner as the ref is distracted, and Daniels hits a shoulder stunner on Chavo as we go to commercials.

Back from the break, Kaz is the legal man for his team now. He mocks Chavo, but it sucks compared to how Austin Aries does it. Daniels tags in, and he hits a slingshot kneedrop. Kaz tags back in, and hits a slingshot legdrop for 2. Kaz has a top wristlock applied, but Chavo breaks free and hits a spinning headscissors. Daniels tags in, knocks Hernandez off the apron and goes for a double-team on Chavo, but Chavo ducks and Kaz collides with Daniels. Hernandez makes the hot tag and sends both members of BI into the corner for a double avalanche. He picks Daniels up on his shoulders and Chavo suplexes Kaz onto the other one, which Hernandez turns into a double over-the-shoulder backbreaker for 2. He suplexes Daniels back in from the apron, but Kaz trips him, and Daniels lands on top as Kaz holds onto Hernandez’s foot. The ref goes to count 3, but sees Kaz holding the foot and breaks the pin. Hernandez blocks a double clothesline and hits one of his own, sending Kaz to the floor. Daniels boots Hernandez in the corner and goes for the pin with his feet on the ropes, but the ref sees it once again. Daniels ducks a clothesline, but gets caught on a cross-body that Hernandez turns into a sit-out powerbomb. Chavo tags in and goes for the frog splash, but Kaz knocks him off the top rope. Daniels rolls him up with the tights for 2 as Kaz and Hernandez brawl on the outside, with Hernandez Pouncing Kaz off the ramp. Daniels goes for the Angel’s Wings, and Chavo blocks it. Hernandez hits him with a slingshot clothesline, and Chavo comes off the top with the frog splash for 3.

WINNERS
: Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez.

Taryn Terrell comes out of the women’s locker room and tells AI she has a good idea for who she’s going to call out for OFN.

Taryn makes her way out to the ring, and really needs kneepads. She’s excited, as tonight marks her first official night as a Knockout, and Brooke Hogan told her she can get physical with whoever she wants, and it’s OFN. There’s one woman who has assaulted her, mocked her, and cost her her job as a referee. It’s no secret that woman is Gail Kim. Kim’s music hits, and she takes her sweet time coming out. Kim has had generic lyrics added to her music for no reason. She grabs a mic and tells Taryn that first off, this was a rookie mistake. Her first night here, she’s going to call out the greatest female wrestler that ever lived? Do you really want to embarrass yourself like that on national television? Besides, not only have you rubbed Kim the wrong way, but several other people as well. Particularly, one person who wanted to call Taryn out tonight, and she happens to be a former champion. Tara, why don’t you come out and help her take care of business tonight? Tara and Jesse make their way out now, and Tara talks trash to Taryn, which allows Kim to hit Taryn in the back of the head with the mic. The heels double-team Taryn until Velvet Sky’s music hits. She runs down to the ring and fights off the heels with clotheslines and kicks, knocking Tara to the floor and chasing Kim off. Glad we wasted time with this segment.

Sky and Taryn are now in the back, complaining about what just happened. Taryn runs off, as she sees Kim and Tara in the hallway. She attacks both of them until Sky holds her back.

We get a video for Gut Check, which returns next week. This segues into Jeremy Borash introducing next weeks contestants, that being Magno and former NWA World Champion and ROH booker “Scrap Iron” Adam Pearce.

Sting is in the back, headed to Hulk’s office when a security guard stops him and tells him he can’t enter. Sting says he’ll have to try a different approach.

The camera is now in Hulk’s office, and he’s talking to Jeff Hardy. He says he’s already booked the rematch for Hardy/Ray, and that’s Hardy’s night for him to redeem everything Hulk has done wrong. For Hardy to step up like he did last week and that he’s destined to lead this company, he’s never seen anything like that before. And to try and make up for the mistake Hulk made with Ray, he’s sorry for that. Hardy says he lost the title and made mistakes, but he doesn’t live in the past; he lives for the future, and in Corpus Christi, he’s taking the belt back. Hulk then tells Hardy that he gets to make the stipulation for the match that night. We hear Sting’s music hit, and Hulk excuses himself, saying Sting isn’t supposed to be here.

Sting enters the ring and says Bully Ray swerved the whole world. He told Hulk he could trust Ray, and he was wrong. Now he needs to fix this problem, but the only way that can happen is if he’s on the same page as one person who he has tried to talk to, to no avail. Since it’s OFN, Hulk, he’s calling you out right now. Hulk makes his way out and circles Sting in the ring. Sting says he’s tried to apologize a few times. Right now, he’s going to try again, and if Hulk doesn’t accept, things could get a little nuclear here tonight. Hulk tells him he started out “soft-shoeing” the situation. He should have listened to his gut about Bully Ray, but everyone around him, including Dixie Carter, tried to convince him otherwise on numerous occasions. Because of Sting, he didn’t listen to his gut, he made a decision that messed up the whole company, brother, and it’s all because of Sting. Sting reminds him that HE made the decision, not Sting. Hulk needs to stop pointing fingers, and most of the weight rests on his shoulders. Hulk is the GM and he makes the decisions, so he needs to man up and take ownership. Hulk admits he’s accountable, and he made the final decision as the GM. Now, as GM, he’s tired of hearing about said decision. He’s tired of Sting being in his face, and now as GM, he’s telling Sting to get the hell out of his face, and get the hell out of his ring, brother. Sting turns sad pants at this before telling Hulk to make him. Security steps in between the two of them as Hulk rips his shirt up, showing his awesome flabby physique in the process. Security eventually gets Sting out of the ring and backs him up the ramp. Sting grabs Hulk’s crutch, which was on the ramp, but then drops it. Not sure what the point of that was. He heads to the back, security in tow.

During the break, Sting was escorted out of the building. As he was leaving, Matt Morgan appeared, clapped and called the situation another Hogan mistake.

Video recap of the AJ Styles storyline. This leads into James Storm entering the arena. Two weeks ago, AJ Styles made his big return. It wasn’t the return Storm was looking for. Then last week, he tried to talk to AJ, and AJ just walked off. Since tonight is OFN, Storm thought he would take the time to call out AJ Styles. AJ shows up somewhere in the crowd. Storm tells him he knows what he’s going through. He was in that spot last year, but he picked himself back up and got back in the ring to do what he does best, and that’s what AJ needs to do. Being a man from the south, he’s pretty sure AJ can relate to this: they can drink some beers and talk things out, or they can fight about it. Either way, Storm is good. The choice is AJ’s. Before AJ can make a choice, DOC, Wes Brisco and Garett Bischoff hit the ring and beat Storm down. As this is going on, AJ just leaves. Eric Young hits the ring to virtually no reaction and gets assaulted by DOC. Kurt Angle comes out next, and he clears the ring. He grabs a mic and wants to know where A and E are going as they try to leave. He sees three of them and three TNA guys, and it’s OFN. Angle then challenges A and E to a six-man.

Hey, we’re already over an hour into this show, and we finally get a second match. L. Ron Hubbard help me.

MATCH 2: Kurt Angle, James Storm and Eric Young vs. Garett Bischoff, Wes Brisco and DOC
Garett starts off by getting assaulted by Storm. Thesz Press into some punches by Storm, and he throws Garett to the corner for an uppercut. Garett reverses a corner whip, but gets hit with a forearm. EY tags in, and the faces hit a double back elbow for 2. EY goes to the ropes, but gets hit with a clothesline. Garett stomps EY and gets 2. Wes tags in and throws EY into the corner for some punches and a shoulderthrust. EY does the Flair Flop out of the corner, gets back in the ring and hits a flying forearm for 2. Angle tags in and beats Wes down in the corner before stomping him. Back elbow of the ropes by Angle, and he tags EY back in. EY throws Brisco to the corner for some stomps, then hits a bodyslam and a running elbow for 2. Garett hits EY from behind off the ropes, and Wes hits a clothesline and some stomps for 2. Garett tags in and punches EY before DOC tags himself in. Commercials.

Back from the break, Wes is legal once again, and he has a rear chinlock applied on EY. EY breaks the hold with a jawbreaker and tags in Storm. Storm hits a clothesline and a back body drop on Garett. Running neckbreaker on Wes, but DOC stops the momentum with a shot from behind. Wes stomps Storm down before tagging DOC in. DOC sends Storm into the corner and hits an avalanche before choking Storm over the middle rope. DOC goes for the pin of a Garett cheap shot, getting 2. DOC hits a butterfly suplex for another 2. Garett back in. Storm hits a few punches before running into a back elbow for 2. Garett hits some mounted punches before tagging in Wes, and they hit a double corner whip before Garett whips Storm into a Wes clothesline. Wes foot chokes Storm in the corner before hitting a suplex for 2. Rear chinlock is applied now, and Storm tries to fight out before being whipped down by the hair. DOC in, and he hits a series of body blows in the corner before knocking Storm down with a straight right. Storm blocks a corner charge twice, ducks a clothesline and hits a flying forearm. Angle tags in, and he suplexes everyone in the ring. Angle Slam on Wes as D’Lo Brown comes down through the crowd and throws a chain to Garett. Garett is wrapping the chain around his fist, but Angle ducks a shot and applies the ankle lock. Wes comes in from behind and schoolboys Angle with a handful of tights for 3.

WINNERS: Garett Bischoff, Wes Brisco and DOC.

In the A and E clubhouse, Bully Ray is toasting his guys for winning their match before telling Mr. Anderson he can’t believe Jeff Hardy’s balls for challenging Anderson tonight. He also can’t believe the balls on Hulk for Hardy letting him make the stipulation for their rematch. Anderson says that won’t happen because Hardy won’t make it to that match. He then begins hitting the table with a hammer and throwing furniture around. Devon says he feels sorry for Hardy.

Funny to see a commercial for WrestleMania come on during this show.

Another video for all of the stupid changes that have been made to the X-Division. I swear TNA is doing everything they can to destroy the division that put them on the map in the first place.

JB is in the back with Sonjay Dutt. He tells Dutt he has to win next week’s 3-way to get back into the title hunt. He will face Mason Andrews (Scorpio Sky) and-HOLY SH*T!-Petey Williams next week. I can’t tell you happy I am to see “The Canadian Destroyer/Maple Leaf Muscle” back on TV. Seriously. TNA blew it when they released him a few years ago. Big surprise, I know.

MATCH 3: Jeff Hardy vs. Mr. Anderson
Hardy begins slugging away at Anderson until Anderson rakes the eyes. He attacks Hardy before sending him into the corner. Hardy counters the whip with a headscissors, sending Anderson to the floor, where Hardy hits an apron clothesline. Hardy drags Anderson around the ring, where he slams him face-first into the apron. Anderson pulls Hardy stomach-first into the steps, stopping Hardy’s momentum. On the apron, Anderson chokes Hardy over the middle rope. He goes for a running clothesline, but Hardy counters into a back body drop, sending Anderson into the ring. Commercials.

We’re back, and Anderson is back in control with a wristlock. Hardy eventually fights out and sends Anderson into the corner. Anderson blocks a charge and hits an armbar takedown for 2. Anderson goes back to the armbar, but Hardy armdrags out after a few moments. They trade punches until Hardy comes off the ropes with a flying forearm. He hits a double legdrop and follows up with a seated dropkick for 2. Hardy sends Anderson to the corner, blocks a charge off a whip reversal, then hits a middle rope splash for 2. Anderson blocks an Irish whip with a rolling fireman’s slam for 2. Hardy counters a corner charge with a back elbow, but misses the Botch in the Wind, which allows Anderson to get in a pin for 2. Anderson goes for the arm again, and Hardy shoves him off, knocking him into referee Earl Hebner. As Hebner is down, Garett Bischoff comes down and gives Anderson a hammer. Hardy ducks a shot with the hammer and hits a sit-out Twist of Fate. He grabs the hammer and nails Anderson in the gut, causing the DQ.

WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Mr. Anderson. Hardy then knocks Garett off the apron with the hammer. As Anderson is crawling up the ramp, Hardy grabs a chair and cracks him over the back. Anderson is against the ropes, and Hardy sets up the chair on the ramp, hitting Poetry in Motion over the top rope and back into the ring. Hardy goes for a table now and sets it up in the ring. I’m guessing we’re now going to find out Hardy wants a TLC match. I’m pretty sure my suspicions are confirmed when Hardy brings a ladder into the ring and sets it up in the corner opposite the table. Anderson begins to fight back and goes for a suplex through the table, but Hardy blocks it and hits a Twist of Fate. He sets Anderson up on the table then climbs the ladder. Before he can dive, Bully Ray hits the ring, knocks Anderson off the table, then knocks the table over. He pulls Anderson to the floor and the two of them head through the crowd. Hardy grabs a mic and, sure enough, calls for Full Metal Mayhem, which is TNA’s name for the TLC match. I win.

End of show.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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TNA Impact Wrestling Results March 21 and Recap

March 23, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

This week, TNA is once again in Chicago, and the show opens with Hulk Hogan coming out on one crutch. He says he’s been around a long time, and we’ve been through hell and back together. However, he’s never had the wool pulled over his eyes like this. Not only did Aces and Eights fool the fans, they fooled him, his family, Sting, and everyone else in TNA. When he thinks of what happened last week and how A and E ran roughshod over the TNA roster, he’s realized this is a war for survival. Out of all the men that were left laying last week, the four guys that led the charge are the warriors. They are the men he loves and respects, and they lead the rest of the pack in the back, jack. At this time, he wants nothing but respect for these four, and he wants to bring them out here right now. First out is Samoa Joe, second is Magnus, third is “the scariest man I’ve ever looked into his eyes” Kurt Angle, and fourth is Jeff Hardy. As Hulk speaks to these men, he’s also speaking to everyone in the back. The reason these four are here is because he wants them to put A and E out and bring the World title back to TNA. Jeff Hardy, you took us to a place Hulk never thought they’d be. But after the attack last week, can he pull off a rematch? Hardy says he’s in bad shape, but Bully Ray stole the title, and we, “the creatures”, need it back. These other men are ready, and tonight, let’s have a four-way between everyone in the ring, with the winner getting a shot at Bully Ray. Hulk says the last time he picked a #1 contender, it was a mistake, so he loves this idea. Looks like we’ve got our main event.

MATCH 1-World Tag Team Championship: Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez vs. Austin Aries and Bobby Roode (Champions)
This is the match that was supposed to happen at the top of the show last week. Chavo and Roode start the match. Chavo counters a waistlock in to an arm wringer. Roode counters into a hammerlock, and Chavo counters once more into the wringer. Roode punches his way out, but gets hit with a European uppercut before rebounding with punches. Chavo comes off the ropes with a spinning headscissors before beating Roode down in the corner. Hernandez tags in, Chavo hits a bodyslam, Hernandez bodyslams Chavo onto Roode and then hits a Warrior Splash for 2. Roode fights back and tags in Aries, beating Hernandez down in the corner. Aries boxes the ears, then hits an open-hand chop to the chest. Roode back in with a kick before tagging Aries in once more. They go for a double suplex, but Hernandez counters into one of his own before tagging in Chavo, who hits a pair of dropkicks on Roode. Commercials.

We’re back, and Aries throws Chavo to the floor, where Roode slams him into the steps. Roode holds Chavo up, and Aries comes off the top with an elbow. Back in the ring, Aries gets 2. Aries applies a front chancery, but Chavo fights out. He goes to the ropes, where Aries catches him with a kitchen sink. Roode in, and he hits a back suplex for 2 before applying a rear chinlock. Chavo fights out once again and sends Roode to the corner. He goes for a monkey flip, but Roode blocks him and props him on the top rope. Chavo strikes from this position and hits a tornado DDT. Aries and Hernandez tag in, and Hernandez with the hot tag offense before hitting a Warrior Press on Aries. Hernandez goes up the ramp and hits an outside-in Air Mexico on both champions. He goes for the Border Toss on Aries, but Roode boots him in the gut. Roode gets hit with a Pounce, sending him to the floor. Aries blocks a corner charge and goes for a cross-body, but Hernandez catches him. He tags in Chavo and goes for a powerbomb, but Aries takes him to the floor with a hurricanrana. Back in the ring, he mocks Chavo as he goes for the brainbuster, but Chavo counters into the 3 Amigos as the crowd dumps all over him for it. Chavo goes up top, but Kazarian runs down to distract the referee as Christopher Daniels shoves Chavo off the top. Aries rolls him up with a handful of tights and gets the 3.

WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: Austin Aries and Bobby Roode. After the match, Bad Influence attack the champs from behind.

Apparently, all X-Division matches will now be contested in 3-way matches. G*ddammit, TNA. Why do you continue to piss me off?

We see an interview from Kenny King from earlier today. He says he should be mad about the new changes to the X-Division, but this kind of stuff has always been happening to him. If TNA wants to be this way, so be it. If they put two guys in front of him, TNA better set up two funerals. This just gives him a chance to shine even brighter. The interview then turns into a commercial for 5-Hour Energy as TNA rubs more salt in the wound.

MATCH 2-3-Way Match for the World X-Division Championship: Sonjay Dutt vs. Zema Ion vs. Kenny King (Champion)
I didn’t realize Dutt still worked here. Just shows how TNA has no idea what to do with talent in most cases. Apparently, the belt will be defended each week in these kind of matches, and the person who doesn’t get pinned or doesn’t submit moves onto the 3-way the following week. Just keep digging that grave, TNA. Ion applies a side headlock on Dutt, but gets shouldered by King. Dutt hits a spinning headscissors on Ion, and the three botch a spot in the corner. King runs into Ion, and Dutt takes them both down with a hurricanrana/armdrag combo, sending them to the floor. They drag Dutt outside and ram him into the barricade. King then does the same to Ion before hitting a somersault plancha from the apron. He rams Ion into the apron and throws him back in the ring, getting 2. Jumping hip bump in the corner by King before he foot chokes Ion. Float-over suplex into some mounted punches by King before stopping Dutt from entering the ring. He runs into an elbow by Ion but catches him in a fireman’s carry. Ion fights out but runs into a jumping roundhouse. Dutt hits a springboard dropkick on King, then goes up top. King shoves him off onto the ramp, and now Ion begins to fight back until he runs into a modified Ghetto Blaster. Ion rolls to the apron and hits the inside-out DDT, and Dutt comes back in and sends Ion to the floor with a hurricanrana. Both heels are outside now, and Dutt hits a top rope moonsault before throwing Ion back in. Bodyslam by Dutt, and he goes for the Hindu Press. King blocks him, and Ion goes up for a back suplex. Dutt elbows him off and hits a moonsault into a double stomp. King comes back in with a springboard blockbuster on Dutt and gets the 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Kenny King. Dutt is now out of the title picture for a while. Smart move TNA. Instead of getting rid Ion’s worthless ass, you bring Dutt back for one night and then remove him from the title hunt for a while.

AI stops Brooke Hogan to ask about her husband, and she says she’s only here to run the KO division tonight.

We get an interview with Bully Ray as he talks about “plan B” going into effect, that being him using the Hogan family to become champion. Joseph Park became the bait, and we basically get a video package highlighting the entire stupid storyline involving A and E. I kid you not, this video package is almost ten minutes long. It’s ridiculous.

We see Sting entering the building. Moments later, he enters Hulk Hogan’s office. He says he doesn’t care about the title; this is about making things right. Give him Bully tonight. Hulk says things haven’t changed in his mind, so why doesn’t Sting do what he does best and go hide up in the rafters for a couple of years. Whenever Sting is around, he causes problems, so get out.

Video package for the meaningless Gail Kim/Taryn Terrell feud.

Taryn Terrell comes out to Traci Brooks’ old music and says she knows she’s on probation, and her job is to control chaos, not create it. But when Gail Kim put her hands on Taryn twice, she had to retaliate. So, she guesses it’s time for her to accept the consequences. Gail Kim interrupts this little speech, takes the mic and says she’s glad Taryn learned her lesson, and that’s you don’t mess with Gail Kim. Gail Kim is the greatest female wrestler to have ever lived, and the greatest knockout in company history. She created the division, and without her, Taryn wouldn’t exist. Now, she’s going to call out Brooke Hogan to do what she should have done a long time ago, and that’s to fire Taryn. So Brooke, come out and do what we’ve been waiting for. Brooke says this was a hard decision for her to make, and she’s thought long and hard about it. Taryn, you know she loves you, but she has to be fair as the V.P. of the knockouts division, so she has to terminate Taryn as knockouts referee. She asks Kim if she’s happy, then says she has good news that might make everyone here happy. That news is that Taryn has been signed to the knockouts roster as an active competitor. Big surprise there. Taryn immediately spears Kim and knocks her to the floor before chasing her to the back.

Bully Ray comes out of the crowd and approaches Brooke on the ramp. He shows her he’s wearing his wedding ring and says, “’Til death do us part”. Brooke responds by saying, “I hate you” approximately 812 times.

We get another A and E video narrated by Bully Ray, and this time, he describes each unmasked member of the group and why they turned on TNA. A ridiculous amount of this video is spent on Wes Brisco and Garett Bischoff. Once again, nearly 10 minutes long.

Kurt Angle talks about tonight, and his match tonight is the most important in a year and a half, as it’s been that long since he was champion. He needs to prove he’s the best wrestler alive and the one to take down A and E, and that starts with the World title.

MATCH 3: Matt Morgan vs. Joseph Park
Morgan immediately shoves Park away, then piefaces him into the ropes. Park swings at him, but Morgan moves and shoves him into the turnbuckle. Morgan shoves him again, and Park shoves back before putting his fists up. Morgan drops him with a body blow, then screams “Forearm!” at him before hitting one across the back. Morgan continues to call his own moves as he does them. He hits a back elbow and a clothesline to the back of the head. Park climbs up to his feet in the corner, where he dodges an avalanche. Morgan rebounds and hits a discus clothesline. Headbutt by Morgan, and now he rakes the eyes over the middle rope. Morgan applies a modified surfboard stretch through the ropes. He calls for the Carbon Footprint, but misses and ends up crotching himself on the top rope. Park bounces Morgan back into the ring, hits a few punches and a clothesline. He ducks a clothesline and hits a running shoulderblock. Park goes to the middle rope and goes for the Closing Argument, but Morgan moves. He drops Park with the Carbon Footprint before falling on his own ass and gets the 3.

WINNER: Matt Morgan. Morgan should never use a pump kick as a finisher ever again. After all these years, he still can’t do it right.

AI stops Jeff Hardy to ask about Bully Ray. He says it means everything to get that belt back, but if it’s not him tonight, he knows Magnus, Joe and Angle are all ready to do it.

Mike Tenay is in the ring, and he brings out AJ Styles. Tenay says he’s known AJ for over 10 years and called every one of his matches in TNA, and considers them friends. Now he wants to know what’s been going on with AJ lately. AJ just stares at him. Tenay asks him about the rumors about alcohol and drug use. Taz cuts him off and says to let a professional do it. Taz says he saw the video on wherever the hell it is he’s from. Life’s about opportunities, and he was talking to the boys in A and E. So, he has a “PROSPECT” vest for AJ. He’d have to start off at the bottom, but the spot is his if he wants it. Taz makes fun of AJ’s motorcycle for a moment until James Storm comes out, mic in hand. He asks if this is the new AJ Styles, a guy who can’t even face who’s talking to him at the moment. That’s fine. He can be the new AJ with his new look, because the old AJ that Storm knew would say exactly what he thought about someone to their face. He can be the new AJ, but Storm is still the same douchebag. AJ can think about suckerpunching him again, but when you think about it, Storm is going to knock his teeth down his throat and spit out his stupid catchphrase. AJ stares at Storm for a minute before backing out of the ring. Storm says everyone wants to know what’s going on, but AJ isn’t listening.

Yet ANOTHER Bully Ray video, and this time it’s about Brooke Hogan and Sting. This one is a little shorter, only going about 5 minutes.

MATCH 4-4-Way Match to determine a new #1 contender for the World Championship: Samoa Joe vs. Magnus vs. Kurt Angle vs. Jeff Hardy
As I said on Facebook, Magnus may be the most underrated guy in this company. All four men are legal at all times, it looks like. Magnus attacks Hardy as Joe attacks Angle. Hardy and Angle get beaten down in opposite corners until Hardy ducks a punche and ifres off some of his own shots. Magnus pushes Hardy into Joe, and Joe hits a clothesline. He clotheslines Magnus, then hits a hip bump on Angle in the corner, followed by a spin kick to the head. Snapmare by Joe, and he chops the back, kicks the chest and drops a jumping knee for 2. Magnus and Hardy are brawling on the outside as Joe hits a chop on Angle. Joe dodges Angle and sends him to the floor, where Hardy and Magnus beat him down. Joe takes them all out with a suicide dive. Commercials.

Back from the break, Angle is hitting Magnus with punches, but runs into an inverted atomic drop by Joe. Magnus hits a running boot and Joe hits a running senton as Magnus gets 2 on Angle. He hits the misdirection clothesline on Joe, then a running knee on Angle. Hardy goes for a cross-body on Magnus, but gets caught with a modified northern lights bomb. Magnus drops a couple of elbows, getting 2. Magnus applies a rear chinlock, and Hardy fights out until Magnus whips him back down. Outside Angle rakes Joe’s eyes. Back in the ring, Magnus hits a running elbow across Hardy’s back. He stops Angle and Joe from getting back in the ring, then stomps Hardy down in the corner. Joe gets back in, and Magnus meets him with some knee strikes before getting hit with a back elbow. Joe with a series of headbutts, but runs right into the MGD by Magnus. Magnus rams Hardy into the corner and hits some forearms. He sends Hardy into the opposite corner, where Hardy hits a spinning headscissors. Hardy with an inverted atomic drop, double legdrop and seated dropkick. He hits sit-out Twists on both Angle and Joe, then hits the standard version on Magnus. Hardy goes up top for the swanton bomb, but Angle cuts him off. Hardy shoves Angle down, and Magnus drops Hardy with a shot to the face. Angle hits an overhead belly-to-belly on Magnus and a release German suplex on Joe. Ankle lock is applied on Joe, and Joe kicks him off into Magnus. Hardy hits a swanton on Joe and gets the 3.

WINNER: Jeff Hardy. Big surprise there.

End of show.

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TNA Impact Wrestling Results March 14 and Recap

March 16, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Tonight, not only do we get the return of AJ Styles, but it’s also the first show after Lockdown, one of the most predictable cards TNA has put on in years. More on that throughout the recap. For now, the show is actually opening with a match.

Oops. My bad. No, it isn’t. What was supposed to be a tag title match with Aries and Roode defending against Chavo and Hernandez turns into Aces and Eights attacking Chavo and Hernandez right after they get into the ring. Oh, and the show is in Chicago tonight, BTW. Just pointing that out. Watching D’Lo and Knux (formerly Mike Knox) blubber it up in the ring is embarrassing. Devon grab the mic, and he tells the crowd to sit down and shut the hell up. This is the group that will dominate from now on. So, without further ado, let him introduce to you, the NEW World Heavyweight Champion, his brother, Bully Ray.

Ray makes his way out through the crowd, and some generic lyrics have been added to the A and E theme. Not only is Ray the new champion, but he was announced as the president of A and E. Big surprise there. D’Lo puts a vest on Ray, and Ray asks if we know who he is. Not a damn clue, no. He’s Bully Ray. He is the president of A and E. And he is the TNA World Heavyweight Champion. He’s the guy that used Sting. He’s the guy that screwed Brooke. He’s the guy that made a fool of Hulk Hogan. But you know what? He’s also the guy that made a fool out of every frickin’ one of you. For nine months, you bought into it. For nine months, they pulled the wool over your eyes. For nine months, you bought it. Devon, he cannot tell you how proud he was of Devon & A and E when they threw the hammer to Ray and he drilled Jeff Hardy in the back of the head. Ray never felt so proud. But it wasn’t supposed to go down that way. Remember at Lockdown when Wes and Garett came over the top of the cage? That when he was supposed to leave the cage. That’s when it was supposed to happen. Why didn’t happen? Because of Hulk. An hour before that match, Hulk sat him down and had a “father-to-son-in-law” talk. Hulk started to ramble about how Andre the Giant gave him advice to do something memorable. Ray couldn’t give a damn about Hulk’s advice, but he did something memorable. In one night, he did something the nWo could never accomplish during their entire run. Hulk, if you’ve got the balls, come out here and fire them. He dares you. It won’t happen. You can chant his name all you want, Hulk’s not firing them. They’re A and E, and when you ride with them, you’ll never walk alone.

Sting is in the back, saying Ray is digging his grave and the grave of TNA. Now Ray is in the fast lane, and it’s pissing him off. He’s going to get Bully, and he’s going to start by talking to Hulk.

MATCH 1: Gail Kim and Tara (w/Jesse) vs. Mickie James and Knockouts Champion Velvet Sky
Velvet Sky is still the Knockouts Champion, yet they showed Gail Kim with the belt in the opening graphic. Gotta love TNA and their screw-ups. Kim does a cut-away promo about Taryn Terrell being put on probation for putting her hands on Kim at Lockdown. Mike Tenay calls this a hometown welcome for Tara, despite the fact that she is from California and runs a business in Kentucky. Chicago is in neither of those states. Kim and Sky start the match. Sky blocks a kick and applies a side headlock. Kim shoves her off and shoulders her off the ropes. Sky dodges a legdrop, hits a Japanese armdrag and a standard version. She blocks a hip toss and hits a short-arm clothesline before tagging in James, and the faces his the old Tajiri/Whipwreck double leg whip. In the corner, James hits a kick to the gut and some mounted punches before knocking Tara from the apron. Enziguri by James for 2. Commercials.

We’re back, and the heels are in control with Tara being legal. She hits some shoulder thrusts in the corner on James, but James fights out with punches, but Tara manages to apply the Tarantula for a 4-count. Outside, Kim throws James to the ground before rolling her back in the ring. Tara goes for a pin, getting 2. Kim tags in and the heels hit a double slingshot suplex for 2. In the corner, Kim applies a foot choke before getting in Taryn’s face. James uses the distraction to hit the Tunacanrana, and the two hit simultaneous clotheslines. Tara and Sky tag in. Sky hits a pair of jumping clotheslines and a back elbow. She ducks a clothesline and hits a headscissors into a side-Russian legsweep for 2. Petey Williams, she isn’t. Kim breaks up the pin before shoving Taryn down. Taryn slaps Kim, and James comes off the top with a Thesz Press on Kim. Tara back in, and she hits the Widow’s Peak on James. She turns around and gets hit with In Yo Face for 3.

WINNERS: Mickie James and Velvet Sky.

We’re now in the A and E clubhouse, and they’re drinking beer. Ray says Hulk doesn’t have the balls to fire them, but if he does, he wants to propose a toast to all them and to the guys who stuck by him, A and E. Ray then remembers he hasn’t heard from his wife in a while, so he calls her. It immediately goes to voicemail, so he leaves a sarcastic message, then puts the phone on speaker so A and E can say “hi”. He tells her to tell her dad “hello”.

Before the next match, Robbie E tells Robbie T that what happened on Sunday was a fluke, bro, and tonight, T won’t be so lucky, bro.

MATCH 2: Robbie E vs. Rob Terry
E tries to attack from behind, but Terry shoulders him down before hip tossing him out of the corner. Pancake by Terry, and E goes to the corner. T hits a running back elbow and a delayed vertical suplex into a powerslam. He grabs E on his shoulders and hits the Freakbuster for 3.

WINNER: Robbie Terry. Terry does some stupid fist-pumping and dancing after the match to music that would make Fandango embarrassed.

Sting goes to the elevator.

Back in the clubhouse, Ray is complaining about no A and E merchandise at the tables tonight. He tells one of the guys to open up a TNA roster book, and whoever the page is opened to pays the price tonight.

We see Sting and Hulk Hogan in an office. Hulk is pissed and blaming Sting for everything. He knew all along Ray was rotten to the core, and now he has the World title. Now A and E has the whole company hostage. Now, his daughter is married to Bully. Sting says he has an idea. Don’t fire A and E yet, especially Bully. Let him have Bully tonight. Hulk says there is no more “we” anymore. He knows how this movie ends. This is the end. A and E has the title and his daughter. The movie is over, and so is Sting. Hulk has business to take care of and he doesn’t want to see Sting right now. Get out. You make him sick.

We see Austin Aries and Bobby Roode approach Sting as he’s leaving. Aries says you can’t blame Hulk for being upset, because it really is all Sting’s fault. Everyone told Sting Bully Ray was no good, and he didn’t want to hear it. He’s the reason why A and E are running things right now, and also the reason why they can’t wrestle tonight, thanks to their opponents being attacked by A and E. After that match, they were going to give Sting and Hulk a title match, too. Sting cuts them off and says he’s tired of talking, but instead wants to fight. He wants one of them, and Roode slowly backs away. Sting challenges Aries at that point.

Christy Hemme welcomes AJ Styles into the ring. His music hits, but no one is coming out. After a few moments, Bad Influence’s music hits instead, and they come down to the ring, dressed like The Road Warriors, Daniels as Hawk and Kaz as Animal. Kaz says that tonight isn’t just the first live Impact on the road, and it’s definitely not the first time AJ has disappointed his fans, but tonight Bad Influence brings back “Throwback Thursday”. Since they are in the “Second City”, they’re paying homage to the second-best tag team in wrestling history. Tell ‘em Chris! WELL…those warriors, that Legion of the Past, they were fake tough guys. Fake tough like AJ Styles and fake tough like every one of you. Bad Influence, however, are the real deal. They’re the original “ring warriors”, and they are the “Legion of Boom”. Oooh…what a tush! And on that note, you have permission to worship them now.

James Storm comes out, mic in hand. He tells BI they don’t have to run. He was listening to them run their bottle suckers, mocking AJ Styles and mocking one of the greatest teams in history. He’s pretty sure AJ will come out and let them know what he thinks of them. As for LOD, they’re bigger and more over than BI will ever be. And unlike these two douchebags, they were actually from Chicago. Now, onto the tough part, he can help with that. He’s going to decide which one of them wants to have the crap kicked out of them. Before they can decide, Storm slingshots Daniels into the ring.

MATCH 3: Christopher Daniels (w/Kazarian) vs. James Storm
Storm blocks a hip toss and hits his own before nailing a corner uppercut and a back body drop. He blocks a kick and hits a discus punch. Storm sends Daniels into Kaz on the apron and rolls him up for 2. Kaz trips Storm behind the ref’s back, and Daniels connects with a running knee. He stomps Storm down in the corner, then sends him hard into the opposite corner. Double stomp to the back, followed by some kneelifts. Daniels applies a waistlock, but Storm elbows out. He runs right into a shoulder, and Daniels follows up with a snapmare and a split-legged moonsault for 2. They trade some punches, and Storm comes back with a forearm, inverted atomic drop and a bulldog. He calls for the Eye of the Storm, but Daniels escapes and hits an uppercut, followed by a standing uranage. BME misses as Daniels lands on his feet. Storm hits Closing Time and calls for the Last Call, but Kaz causes a distraction. Daniels attacks from behind, but Storm sees him coming, ducks and hits a backcracker for 3.

WINNER: James Storm. BI double teams Storm after the match, stomping him down. AJ Styles walks down to the ring, still trying to look drunk and strung out. He clocks Kaz, and Daniels bails. AJ then nails Storm before heading towards the back.

Wes Brisco stops Kurt Angle in the back. As he turns, A and E jump Angle from behind and beat him down.

Joseph Park makes his way out. He says it’s an honor to be standing here tonight. It’s no secret it’s been a couple of crazy months for Park. In the UK, he got his first big win over Robbie E, and he even won again last weekend at Lockdown. With all of this early success he’s had, it’s made him reflect on the highlights of his life. Number one has to be graduating law school at the top of his class. Number two would have to be when he finally made partnership at the law firm of Park, Park & Park, who are here tonight in the nosebleeds. The highlight of his life to this point, though, has to be right here in front of his hometown of Chicago, IL. He grew up watching all of the Cubby games, which results in boos from the crowd. He panders to the Blackhawks fans after that before saying nothing has been as exciting as his time in Impact Wrestling, and he can’t wait for what’s next.

Matt Morgan interrupts things. He tells Park to back off before saying that Hulk making mistake after mistake is an understatement. Did the Bully Ray situation turn out the way you hoped? That being said, with all of the mistakes Hulk has made, none are bigger than this walking joke standing in front of him. The fact that you signed this clown to a pro wrestling contract on Impact is an abortion to the sport of wrestling. Here’s what he’s going to do, old man. He’s going to start eliminating Hulk’s mistakes one-by-one, starting with Park. So, unless Park wants his teeth knocked down his throat, he is strongly advised to get the hell out of Morgan’s ring now. Park starts to leave, but hesitates after Morgan calls Chicago a “dump city”. Park tells Morgan that, in Chicago, they never back down from a fight. So, if you want a fight, let’s do it right now. Morgan asks if he’s serious then says they don’t do things on Park’s time; they do them on Morgan’s time. Morgan leaves, but as Park turns around, he gets back in the ring and drops Park with a big boot. You can tell he was going for the Carbon Footprint, but they botched the spot. Morgan then tells Park his time is next week.

Back in the A and E clubhouse. Ray asks Hulk if he’s going to fire them. Chavo’s out. Hernandez is out, and now so is Angle. Grow some balls and fire them. If Hulk doesn’t come to them, they’ll go to him. They destroyed his family, and they’ll destroy his show as well. In fact, that sounds like a good idea. Let’s start right now.

MATCH 4: World Tag Team Co-Champion Austin Aries (w/Bobby Roode) vs. Sting
Sting immediately backs Aries into a corner and shoves him down. Aries takes Sting down and spins across his back before posing in the corner. Aries boots Sting in the midsection before applying a side headlock. Sting counters by picking Aries up and setting him across the top turnbuckle, where he punches and kicks him in the gut. A running kick causes Aries to hotshot himself and Sting goes for the Stinger Splash. However, Aries sees it coming and rolls to the outside. Back in the ring, Sting blocks a kick and strikes Aries several times before hitting an inverted atomic drop. Behind the ref’s back, Roode trips Sting and pulls him to the outside. Sting fights back with punches and throws Roode into the guardrail, where he hits a Stinger Splash. Aries comes off the top with a double axe handle, but Sting moves and Aries hits Roode. Sting throws Aries into a chair before celebrating on the apron. Commercials.

We’re back, and Sting is still in control. Go figure. Aries forearms him to the back off a Roode distraction, but Sting comes back with punches before clotheslining Aries to the floor. Roode causes another distraction, so the ref ejects him from ringside. Aries kicks the ropes as Sting is climbing back in, essential low-blowing him. Sting rolls to the outside, where Aries nails him with a suicide dive. Back in the ring, Aries goes for the cover, getting 2. Aries hits a jumping elbow drop for another 2. Foot choke near the corner by Aries before nailing Sting with a left jab, hitting a snapmare and a missile dropkick from the middle rope for 2. Spinal tap by Aries for another 2. Sting begins to fight back out of the corner with his weak-looking backhands, but Aries dropkicks him in the left knee before stomping it for 1. Aries boxes the ears, and Sting does the same to him. He goes for a dropkick, but Aries holds onto the ropes, sending Sting back-first to the mat. Aries goes for the scorpion deathlock, but doesn’t know how to apply it. Sting kicks him off, hits more backhands and turns him inside out with a clothesline. Sting hits an uppercut and goes for the scorpion, but Aries escapes and rolls to the apron, where he hits a hotshot. Up top, Aries hits a missile dropkick. Sting no-sells as Aries mocks him. Sting boots him in the gut and hits a weak gorilla-press slam. Aries crawls to the corner, where he dodges a Stinger Splash and follows up with a running corner dropkick. Aries hits a Stinger Splash of his own, then goes for the brainbuster. Sting counters into the Scorpion Death Drop, but only gets 2. Aries crawls to the corner again, and Sting connects with a slo-mo Stinger Splash. He applies the scorpion deathlock, but A and E attacks.

WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Sting. A and E beat Sting down in the ring as Aries heads for the hills. Ray tells two of them to hold Sting up. Ray tells Sting he used him. Is that what Hulk meant by “do something memorable”? Do you think you’ll remember A and E now, Hulk? Where are you? Are you going to fire them? Where is everyone’s hero? Where are you, dad? Come on, Hulk! This is memorable. They have taken over Impact!

Hulk’s music hits. Why do I get the sickening feeling they’re building to a Hulk/Ray match for the title? Oh, because it’s TNA and Hulk Hogan. Duh. Anyway, Hulk comes out on crutches and stops on the stage. You know something, brother? Firing you would be the coward’s way out. It’d be too damn easy. For everything you’ve done to everyone, you’re not getting the easy way out, brother. Every dog has its day. It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow. Live by the sword, die by the sword. And from this day forward, Hulk is empowering everyone in the TNA locker room to band together, to fight, and to eliminate A and E, brother. Jeff Hardy’s music hits, and he, Magnus, Samoa Joe, Joseph Park, RVD, Kurt Angle, Rob Terry and Hernandez. After a few moments, A and E dominate the TNA roster. Chavo Guerrero is also in tere apparently, and they get rid of him pretty quickly. Angle gets back in the ring after being beaten down by Ray, but they beat him down as Ray climbs back in. He has a mic, and he asks “dad” if this is what he meant by something memorable. How’s this for memorable, you old bastard? Ray begins whipping the TNA guys with his wallet chain before heading up the ramp towards Hulk. He says that was Hulk’s cavalry, and they just got killed by A and E. What are you going to do now, dad?

End of show.

Well, for that being TNA’s first live Impact on the road, it was pretty much a throw-away show. Not a good start.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

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TNA Lockdown 2013 Results: Bully Wins, Turns Heel

March 11, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Lockdown 2013 is in the book and TNA Wrestling has a new world heavyweight champion. Bully Ray defeated Jeff Hardy in a predictable, yet exciting finish which saw Ray win the title and reveal himself as the leader of Aces & 8′s.

TNA Lockdown was a mixed show which will be remembered most for the final match of the night than anything else on the card. Bully Ray pinned Jeff Hardy to win the title in a Steel Cage Match. The final minutes of the match saw the last six months of Bully Ray’s TNA career come full circle after admitting to screwing the Hogans and being the President of Aces & 8′s.

The match saw interference early from Garett Bischoff and Wes Brisco. They climbed into the cage but and were fought off by Hardy and Ray. Hardy and Ray worked as a tag team and eventually threw both members of Aces & 8′s out the door before going back to the match.

The finish of the match saw Bully powerbomb Hardy off of the top rope after Hardy tried to escape the cage. Hardy kicked out of a pin attempt. Hulk and Brooke Hogan were at ringside together by this time. Aces & 8′s surrounded the cage. Ray gave Hardy a chain and the two stood back to back ready to fight the group. Devon gave Bully a hammer which he used to nail Hardy with and wound up pinning him to win the title.

Bully told Brooke she meant nothing to him and threatened Hulk. Hogan told Ray he was a “dead man.” Ray then took the microphone and cut a promo saying he used Brooke and screwed Hulk. A few fans that appeared planted started throwing trash after which more fans followed giving it an “n.W.o. moment.” Bully then told the crowd that he was the President of the group.

I have mixed feelings on the angle. It was a tremendous moment and one of the most exciting in TNA history. But in the end Hulk Hogan looked like an idiot as did everyone else in TNA. Anyone who watched Impact with a clue knew that Bully was going to eventually turn. Hogan never appeared to question it and always endorsed Bully to skeptical wrestlers. Unless it is revealed at some point that Hulk was in on it all along (wouldn’t be surprised), he really looks like a fool. Dixie in Hulk’s spot would have been better because she should be more naïve than a veteran like Hulk.

I also don’t know where you go from here with Bully. The money match would appear to be Bully vs. Kurt Angle or Sting. I am not sure how Hulk plays into this, other than an eventual turn if that is the way this thing turns out. I have to think that most fans left the event wanting to see Hulk vs. Bully, well those that aren’t aware of Hulk’s physical limitations. I highly doubt the match is coming so I really don’t get Hogan’s involvement at this point unless he’s wrestling or winds up in the faction.

You could argue both sides of Bully being champion. On the one hand he is a fresh face to the title and he has been one of the best characters on the show in a long time. On the other he is 41-years old and has never been perceived as a major singles star or threat. This goes back to the old argument of youth vs. veterans in TNA. Normally I’d be on the youth side but TNA hasn’t developed any young fresh faces to be world champions in a long, long time. I really have no problem with him as champ but I am sure some will.

Other notes from Lockdown…Jeff Hardy suffered a bad concussion on that final powerbomb off the top rope and was in bad shape after the show. TNA announced the Lockdown crowd as the biggest in company history. The last reported number was 6,700, although Dave Meltzer was skeptical on his F4Wonline.com. What amazes me about that number is that this company has never drawn more than 10,000 people to an event in 11 years! This is a company that at one time had Hogan, Ric Flair, the Hardys, Mick Foley, Kurt Angle, and Rob Van Dam on its roster at the same time and they couldn’t break 10,000? I have no idea how this company makes any money if that’s the case. AJ Styles is also scheduled to return on Thursday. He can’t receive a world title shot for a year according to the storylines so maybe they try a year-long build with Bully? Bobby Roode has also reportedly worked out any contractual issues with the company.

Full TNA Wrestling Lockdown 2013 results and winners…
Bully Ray defeated Jeff Hardy (c) in a Steel Cage match for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship
Team TNA (Sting, Magnus, Samoa Joe, James Storm and Eric Young) defeated Aces & Eights (Devon, Mr. Anderson, Knox, DOC and Garett Bischoff) in a Lethal Lockdown match
Wes Brisco defeated Kurt Angle in a Steel Cage match
Austin Aries and Bobby Roode (c) defeated Bad Influence (Christopher Daniels and Kazarian) and Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez in a Three-Way Tag Team match for the TNA World Tag Team Championship
Robbie T defeated Robbie E
Velvet Sky (c) defeated Gail Kim in a match for the TNA Women’s Knockout Championship
Joseph Park defeated Joey Ryan
Kenny King (c) defeated Christian York and Zema Ion in a Three-Way match for the TNA X Division Championship

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TNA Wrestling Lockdown 2013 Predictions and Preview

March 09, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

So, TNA Wrestling Lockdown is now upon us and what was once known as the biggest clusterf*ck of a PPV in pro wrestling is more or less a Hell in a Cell knockoff at this point, as only three matches have been announced to take place inside the cage. Not that this is a bad thing, mind you. Still, the card overall looks incredibly weak, despite the fact that Lockdown is supposed to be TNA’s 2nd biggest PPV behind BFG each year.

JOEY RYAN VS. JOSEPH PARK

I only found out about this match by going to TNA’s website, as they have done absolutely nothing to promote this match. Hell, Ryan hasn’t been seen on television in over a month, and only last week did his partner, Matt Morgan return to TV. Joseph Park, on the other hand, has been shoved down our throats since day one, so bet on him winning in this completely meaningless match.

ROBBIE E VS. ROBBIE T

Despite the fact that this match has been promoted more than the previously mentioned one, people will likely be even less interested. Outside of possibly their immediate families, I don’t know of anyone who really gives a damn about either of these guys. The whole feud stems from T being a “better bro”, and that’s literally it. How can anyone possibly care about this match? Anyway, T easily wins here because E never wins matches, and T is big. That’s pretty much it.

3-WAY MATCH FOR THE WORLD X-DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP: KENNY KING (CHAMPION) VS. ZEMA ION VS. CHRISTIAN YORK

You know, I’m noticing a trend here. Third match in, and it has had no build outside of King challenging anyone to face him at Lockdown in a vignette that aired this past Thursday night. While it’s nice to see York in the mix, much like RVD, I’ve seen Ion wrestle King more times than I can count in various matches, and I’m tired of it. Moving King onto a feud with York is fine, but get rid of Ion. And I mean for good. The guy is a train wreck. Anyway, considering this match has had no build and King just won the title a week ago (on television, at least), he will be retaining. If TNA is smart, they have him pin Ion so York can claim he wasn’t the won defeated, leading into a one-on-one rematch in the future.

KNOCKOUTS CHAMPIONSHIP: GAIL KIM VS. VELVET SKY (CHAMPION)

TNA can shove Sky down my throat all they want, I’m still not buying her as the face of a women’s division. Kim, on the other hand, is one of the best female performers in the world, but at this point in time, she’s very obviously going through the motions. Despite the fact that she’s had several title reigns since returning to TNA and has been one of the main faces of the division, she just looks bored in her matches. Quite frankly, considering the “competition”, I don’t blame her. Still, if anyone can get a good match out of Velvet Sky, it’s her, but I’m not keeping my hopes up high. And as much as Kim deserves the championship, Sky is not losing it. Much like Kenny King, she just recently won the championship, so don’t expect her to drop it so quickly.

3-WAY MATCH FOR THE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: BAD INFLUENCE (CHRISTOPHER DANIELS & KAZARIAN) VS. AUSTIN ARIES & BOBBY ROODE (CHAMPIONS) VS. CHAVO GUERRERO & HERNANDEZ

While I fully expect Roode and Aries to eventually split up (or at least go after singles titles while remaining a team), it’s not time yet. Honestly, these two are about the most entertaining thing in TNA right now, and both are damn good at what they do. Although the dysfunctional tag team thing has been done to death, Aries and Roode are kind of an anomaly because they’re a heel team doing it instead, and it’s become very entertaining. While I expect BI to regain the titles at some point or another, they won’t do it until a face team has the belts. As for the team they eventually beat, I’m pretty sure (or at least hopeful) that it won’t be Chavo & Hernandez. The fact is that fans do not give a damn about these two, and Hernandez was completely dumped on during the UK tour by every single crowd he performed in. Back in the states, the reception has only been slightly warmer. Out of everyone in this match, the most over team are the current champions, and I think they need to stay champions a bit longer to keep their current angle interesting. Champs retain in my view.

STEEL CAGE MATCH: KURT ANGLE VS. WES BRISCO

This match is going to be a mess, and is predictable from the get-go. It’s Angle in a cage. When was the last time  you saw him lose a one-on-one cage match? When you take into account that Brisco is a nobody who does not deserve such a high-profile match, and you have your winner in Kurt Angle, with Aces and Eights likely trying to run interference towards the end, or just waiting until it’s over and attacking post-match. I would be amazed (and quite frankly confused) if Brisco won here. Just having a famous father who was good at what he did does not automatically make you talented, and Wes Brisco is walking proof of that. Kurt Angle is taking this one, and I will go one further and predict that Angle will botch a moonsault from the top of the cage as the crowd chants “Holy sh*t” like they’ve never seen it before, despite the fact that Angle botches a moonsault in literally every singles cage match he’s ever been in since the one against Krispen Wah years ago.

LETHAL LOCKDOWN: TEAM TNA (MAGNUS, SAMOA JOE, STING, JAMES STORM AND ERIC YOUNG) VS. ACES AND EIGHTS (GARETT BISCHOFF, DEVON, DOC, KNOX AND MR. ANDERSON)

Despite the fact that they’ve built this match up a few weeks, no one for either team was announced until last week. While A and E went pretty much the only way they could and picked every single unmasked member of the group (save Wes Brisco) for their team, Team TNA is just a mishmash of wrestlers. Yes, they’ve all been attacked by A and E, but that’s pretty much the only thing they have in common. And Eric Young? The guy has been gone for months filming a reality show and all of a sudden, he’s made a member of the team. Only one guy deserves this spot less than Young, and that’s Garett Bischoff. I don’t think I need to say any more on the subject. The only really shining part of Team TNA is Magnus, who is finally starting to get some kind of a push in TNA. I’ve thought he has deserved better for a long time, and it’s nice to see TNA finally coming out of their comfort zone and giving him a chance. Unfortunately, this isn’t enough to bode well for this match, which I predict will be a huge mess. Lethal Lockdown always is, but considering who is in it this time, I expect it to be worse than normal. Think the very last War Games, and we’re now on the same page. Anyway, neither team winning will really mean much in the long run, as this storyline isn’t going away anytime soon, but considering we just learned who the V.P. of A and E is (g*ddamn D’Lo Brown, for those that don’t know), which was supposed to be a major turn in the storyline, I’m predicting A and E to win here.

STEEL CAGE MATCH FOR THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP: BULLY RAY VS. JEFF HARDY (CHAMPIONSHIP)

And now, the main event. A main event that, if it weren’t for the fact that Ray is married to Hulk Hogan’s daughter on TV, would make absolutely no sense. So, Hogan has some qualifying matches on TV, and whoever impresses him the most gets a World title match. After all the matches, he picks his storyline son-in-law Bully Ray, despite the fact that Ray wasn’t involved in any of those matches in any conceivable way. From there, we get weeks of Ray and Hardy glad-handing each other every chance they get, and that’s pretty much it. Based on how sugary-sweet Ray is as a face right now, it’s only a matter of time before he turns heel again. I see one of two outcomes here: 1) Matt Morgan interferes and somehow costs Ray the title, thanks to their skirmish this past Thursday night, or 2) Ray wins the title and immediately turns on Hardy. I have a feeling prediction #1 will be closer to the truth (for now, at least), but it could really go either way

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TNA Impact Wrestling Results March 7 and Recap

March 09, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

This week’s episode of Impact Wrestling is the “go home” show before Lockdown, which I will have predictions for later tonight.

Last week, we learned last week who will make up the teams for Lethal Lockdown, and man, is that match going to suck.

Kurt Angle enters the building and AI asks who the VP of Aces and Eights is. Angle said he’ll reveal the identity of the VP later tonight. This is a TNA problem, and no on in the company is safe.

In the Impact Zone, Austin Aries makes his way out. He and Roode will defend the World Tag Team titles in a 3-way match against Bad Influence and Chavo Guerrero & Hernandez. He says that, if there’s a better way to start Impact than him, it hasn’t been discovered yet. You’re looking at the common denominator of greatness, and that means wherever Austin Aries is, greatness is sure to follow. He can’t seem to get a hold of Bobby Roode, but that’s okay because, last week, without Roode being here, he still got the job done. Aries took out Hernandez and proved that being “Supermex” isn’t as good as being “the greatest man that ever lived”. After his victory, he graciously went out and found Buddy Ray & Jeff Hardy, and he gave them some words of confidence for their big title match in a few short days. Now, he didn’t have to do that, but he did. Did they appreciate it? No. They disrespected him. Now it’s a whole new game. Last week, Buddy Ray told him he’d never again be the World Champion. Well, guess what? He’s about to prove Ray wrong, because he’s calling out the World Champion Jeff Hardy, and he’s challenging Hardy right now to a match right here, and if Hardy is half the champ he says he is, he’ll meet Aries in the ring and prove it.

MATCH 1: World Tag Team Co-Champion Austin Aries vs. World Champion Jeff Hardy (non-title)
Aries attacks Hardy before the bell with a suicide dive. He throws Hardy’s custom belt on the ground before stomping Hardy and throwing him in the ring. The match officially starts, and Aries continues the attack with lefts. Aries sends Hardy into the corner, and lands a running elbow. Aries gets 2 off a snapmare, then hits a jumping knee for another 2. Aries fires off some more lefts, then chokes Hardy over the bottom rope for 2. In the corner, Hardy begins to fight back with kicks and rights. He stomps Aries down in the opposite corner. He hits 10 corner punches and follows up by reversing a corner whip and going for a headscissors. Aries catches him and shoves him over the top rope and to the floor. Aries mocks Hardy in the ring as we go to commercials.

We’re back, and Aries is still in control. Hardy starts to fight back with rights. He ducks an elbow and goes for a sunset flip, but Aries rolls through and hits a dropkick for 2. Aries hits a series of elbows to the back of the neck, then goes for the brainbuster. Hardy reverses into a small package for 2, and Aries pops back up and hits a clothesline for 2. Aries boxes the ears in the corner, then lays in some open-hand chops and lefts. Hardy fights back, sends Aries into the corner, but misses an avalanche. Aries mounts the middle rope, mocks Hardy once more and hits a splash for 2. He screams at the ref for a supposed slow count, and Hardy sneaks in a schoolboy for 2. Aries gets back up, Hardy ducks a clothesline and hits a reverse enziguri. Aries recovers and runs into a sit-out jawbreaker. Aries goes to the corner, where Hardy hits an avalanche. Hardy hits some boots and a flying clothesline. Aries reverses a corner whip, but runs into a knee. Hardy mounts the middle rope and hits a splash for 2. Hardy calls for the Twist of Fate, and Aries shoves him off, but runs into a headscissors that sends him to the floor. Hardy dropkicks him through the ropes and hits a running cross-body from the apron. Back in the ring, Hardy calls for the swanton, but Aries cuts him off and knocks him to the apron. Aries goes for a suplex, but Hardy escapes, hits the sit-out Twist of Fate, then follows up with the standard version. Matt Morgan runs into the ring and drops Hardy with a Carbon Footprint, leading to the DQ.

WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Austin Aries. After the match, Morgan drags Hardy outside, props his head against the ring post and goes for another Carbon Footprint, but Buddy Ray runs down and steps between the two, challenging Morgan to a fight. Morgan backs off and begins heading up the ramp, telling Ray this has nothing to do with him.

In Sting’s office, he’s talking to Team TNA, encouraging each man individually to work their hardest in Lethal Lockdown. Sting then starts screaming and says he feels better. Tonight, he’s going to kick things off against anyone who gets in his face. His team, save for Eric Young, all look less than thrilled.

Kurt Angle is headed out to the Impact Zone, and he has the mask of The Black Scorpion in his hand.

AI stops Matt Morgan to ask what just happened. He says he knows what he wants and deserves. Jeff Hardy is the World Champion. Buddy Ray is the hand-picked #1 contender. Morgan made a promise when he came back that he would gut the roster until he got what he deserved, and he’s just getting started.

Wes Brisco makes his way into the Impact Zone. This should be stunning. Brisco says that, before Angle can come out and reveal the VP of A and E, he has to get something off his chest. His dad and uncle were one of the greatest wrestlers (oh yeah, this should be amazing), and they told him Angle was the best wrestler they have ever seen. Wes believed it and wanted to be Angle until he got the chance to meet him. Then he realized how worthless Angle really is, just like that tin medal around his neck for some sport the Olympics kicked out. This Sunday in the cage, Wes Brisco will be on top and Kurt, he will use you as a stepping stone, and the whole world will know that a Brisco is better than an Angle.

Sadly, I am relieved to see Kurt Angle interrupt things. Listening to Brisco is painful. Angle says he remembers things differently. He remembers the snot-nosed kids asking questions all the time. When he grew up, he called Angle all the time for advice. Wes isn’t like his dad or uncle. If you don’t respect Kurt Angle, you don’t respect the business. Angle made a mistake by trusting Wes, and he will rectify that at Lockdown by beating Wes within an inch of his life. Before he reveals the VP tonight, he’s going to whip Wes’ ass right now. Angle immediately takes Wes down and fires off some rights to the head, knocking Wes to the floor. The Elite Beat Agents run down and try to break up the fight, throwing them back in the ring to do so. That makes sense. Angle charges in, and D’Lo Brown kicks him in the balls. He knocks Al Snow to the floor as Wes Brisco does the same to Pat Kenney. Yes, D’Lo Brown, yet another retired wrestler, is now part of Aces and Eights. Man, this group is just the most elite faction I’ve ever seen. Brown gets a mic and says he came down to reclaim a little “club property”, holding the mask as he says it. He’s going to spoil Angle’s surprise by revealing that he is the VP of A and E. Recognize that, Angle.

We see A and E celebrating in the back as they hand Brown his vest. Brown says he’ll never take the vest off again, then tells Devon to get out to the ring and take care of business. Brown then says that, when he joined A and E on day one, he was told he’d never walk alone. He knows he can trust every member with his life. Sting, can you say the same thing? Can you trust the guys you’ll be in the cage with? He doesn’t think so. Aces and Eights forever, dawg. I hate this storyline so very, very much.

MATCH 2: World Television Champion Devon vs. Sting (non-title)
I’m so glad Devon defends his title all the time. He’s added such prestige to such a valuable belt. Sting attacks Devon before the opening bell, hitting some chops to the chest. Apparently, this is the first in a 3-match series tonight to determine who will have the advantage in the Lethal Lockdown match. Devon comes off the ropes with a spear. Rights by Devon, and he backs Sting into the corner, punching him down to the mat. Clothesline by Devon gets 2. Neck vice is applied by Devon, but Sting fights out. Devon rakes the eyes, then hits a neckbreaker for 2. Devon chokes Sting over the middle rope, then hits a bodyslam before mounting the middle rope. Devon misses a headbutt, and now Sting comes back with a pair of clotheslines and a slo-mo Stinger Splash. Sting clotheslines Devon to the floor and follows out, where he rams Devon into the guardrail a couple of times. He slams Devon into the steps, then back to the guardrail and the apron. Someone from the crowd throws something in Sting’s face and flees. Devon shoves Sting into the ring post and splits him open in the process. Back in the ring, Devon hits a big boot and gets the 3.

WINNER: Devon.

AI asks Velvet Sky how it feels to be KO Champion again. Gail Kim interrupts her as she gushes, saying she should split the belt with Taryn Terrell. Kim says she’s beaten Sky before and is undefeated at Lockdown. Sky slaps her in the face and walks off.

We see Bruce Prichard and Al Snow talking about Gut Check. Prichard informs Snow that Hulk Hogan has pulled Taz from being a Gut Check judge, and his replacement is “Nightmare” Danny Davis. Prichard notes that Davis trained John Cena without saying his name. Davis talks about Ivelisse, saying she’s gorgeous and a great fighter. Snow moves onto Lei’D Tapa, saying she has size, charisma and presence, plus is 2nd generation. Prichard says Tapa looked uncomfortable, and both Davis & Snow agree on that.

We now see the judges with the contestants in the back. Prichard calls this the toughest Gut Check they’ve ever had to decide on. Only one of them gets a contract, and he said it was tough, but they have to do it, and the decision is that Lei’D Tapa gets the chance tonight while Ivelisse Valez gets sent home. Wow. Didn’t see that coming. Then again, Prichard’s a dumbass, so I shouldn’t be too surprised.

MATCH 3-6-Person Tag Team Match: Chavo Guerrero, Hernandez and Knockouts Champion Velvet Sky vs. Bad Influence (Christopher Daniels & Kazarian) and Gail Kim
Hernandez and Kaz start the match with a lock-up. Hernandez shoves Kaz into the corner before going back to the lock-up. Hernandez backs Kaz into the corner, and Kaz thumbs him in the eye before throwing him to the heel corner. Daniels tags in and fires off some forearms. He goes for a bodyslam, but Hernandez easily reverses into his own. Chavo tags and hits a seated dropkick off a Hernandez snapmare. Hernandez back in, who hits a bearhug suplex. He goes for the delayed vertical suplex, but Kaz runs interference. Hernandez ducks a double clothesline and hits one of his own. Chavo back in, and he dropkicks Daniels off a slingshot and follows up with a hilo. Chavo hits a European uppercut, nearly falling on his face in the process, then hits a spinning headscissors. Rights by Chavo, and Kim trips him off the ropes. Daniels boots Chavo down, then gets tripped by Sky. Chavo now fires off rights in the corner before getting hit by an apron clothesline from Kaz. Daniels chokes Chavo over the middle rope as Kaz tags in. Kaz hits a flipping neckbreaker, getting 2. Daniels back in, and he stomps Chavo down in the corner. Kim and Kaz take turns choking him behind Taryn Terrell’s back. Chavo fights out of the corner, but Daniels punches him before tagging in Kaz, and Bad Influence hits the slingshot elbow/leg combo for 2. Kaz applies a rear chinlock, but Chavo fights out before running into a dropkick. Daniels makes the fake tag, dropping an elbow for 2 before going back to the rear chinlock. Chavo fights out once more, but is clubbed down by Daniels. Daniels knocks Hernandez off the apron, and turns around into a dropkick. The knockouts tag in, and Sky hits a pair of clotheslines, followed by a spinning headscissors. Spear by Sky gets 2 as Daniels breaks it up. Sky slaps him, but Daniels blocks a second one, getting hit with a Pounce by Hernandez in the process. Hernandez turns around into a seated missile dropkick by Kaz. Chavo backdrops Kaz to the floor and heads outside, where Daniels hits a springboard moonsault, missing Chavo and hitting his partner. Hernandez follows up with Supermex. Back in the ring, Kim hits Eat Defeat for the 3.

WINNERS: Bad Influence and Gail Kim.

In the back, Sting is throwing a fit, hitting a chair with a bat as he’s surrounded by his partners. He screams about not trusting anyone, and wants to know if they can trust each other. Joe says he can trust him, and Magnus takes offense to that before saying sometimes he doesn’t even trust himself. Tonight, he shows everyone just who he is.

Up next, we get another AJ Styles update. Wonderful.

This time, we see a cameraman in a car pull up to some house where AJ Styles is hanging out. He grabs the driver and slams him into the side of his truck, tells him to leave and throws him in the driver’s seat before covering the camera lens with his hand.

MATCH 4-Garett Bischoff and DOC vs. Magnus and Samoa Joe
This is match #2 in the series tonight. A and E is up 1-0 right now. I miss Joe and Magnus as a team. They had surprisingly good chemistry despite just being thrown together. Joe starts the match by locking Garett in an arm wringer. Garett tries to reverse, so Joe immediately reverses the reversal. Garett tries to tag out, but Joe yanks him back to the middle of the ring. Joe beats Garett down in the corner until Garett rakes the eyes. Joe shakes it off and knocks Garett down before tagging in Magnus aggressively. Magnus gets a rake to the eyes by Garett, but also shakes it off and forearms Garett in the face. Garett rolls to the floor off an Irish whip, and Magnus follows, where DOC forearms him from behind. Back in the ring, Garett hits some double axe handles to the back. He fires off some rights, then chokes him over the top rope as the crowd chants, “You can’t wrestle”. At least I can agree with the Impact Zone on something for once. Garett grinds Magnus’ face across the top rope before tagging in DOC, who whips Garett in for an avalanche, then follows up with his own. DOC hits some body blows and a short-arm clothesline. Jumping splash to the back gets 2. DOC drops some elbows to the shoulder before applying a rear chinlock. We are informed AJ Styles will return next week. Magnus fights out with elbows, but runs into a goozle. He escapes the chokeslam, ducks a clothesline, then hits one at the same time DOC does. Joe and Garett tag in, and Joe hits an exploder suplex on Garett, and then double-teams DOC with Magnus, hitting a running senton for 2. Garett breaks up the pin before getting hit with a misdirection clothesline by Magnus. Magnus tags in, and Joe & Magnus hit the snapmare/flying elbow combo for 3.

WINNERS: Magnus and Samoa Joe, who tie the series at 1-1.

Kenny King is in the back, talking about how he is the main event and the star of the X-Division. RVD, you are legend, but King is a rising star. Bring it on, as it doesn’t matter to him. He’ll shut whoever down he has to face, and will do what he can to hold onto this belt.

We see Eric Young, ODB and James Storm talking in the back. Sting approaches and Young says he has to pick one of them for this last match. Young says he’s funny, but what A and E did to him was not funny. They tried to take what he loves, that being wrestling. Sting had a feeling about him, so put him in the match tonight so Young can show him he made the right choice. Sting says thanks, but he has to go with Storm. Well, that was pointless.

It’s Gut Check time, and the judges are in the ring. Lei’D Tapa makes her way out, and it’s decision time. JB asks if she showed her very best last week as the crowd dumps all over her. They dumped all over Prichard too, BTW. Tapa says that, last week, she came out and showed everyone what she is capable of doing. She didn’t win the match, but her character showed, and what she’s capable of in the future. Obviously, mic work isn’t on that list. Up first is Danny Davis. The crowd is saying “no”, but what they’re missing is what he’s seen. He sees a future in Tapa, and his answer is yes. Prichard is up next, and before he gets to his decision. He sends a shout-out to William Moody, who passed away a few days ago. That was a nice touch, I will say. Now, back to business, Prichard says she has a great look and a great pedigree, and being in a ring looks natural for her. Believe it or not, though, for the first time, the crowd agrees with Prichard, and the answer is no. Tapa has 30 seconds to convince Snow the answer should be yes. She says that, 2 years ago, she started in the business. Last week, she came out to show everyone what she’s capable of. She may have lost, but she knows what she can bring to the KO division. She can dominate and bring something great. Snow takes the mic and also gives a shout-out to “Uncle Paul”. He knows where Tapa comes from and can see her talent. She clearly invokes a reaction from the crowd, so his answer is yes. Lei’D Tapa is now a member of TNA.

Up next, Storm/Anderson in the final match of the series.

We see Robbie E in the back. He rambles on about “The Book of Bro”, then goes onto ramble about facing Rob Terry at Lockdown.

MATCH 5: Mr. Anderson vs. James Storm
Mike Tenay reminds us Anderson is a former 2-time World Champion. I think that was more to remind us that Anderson was once considered a main eventer and is now nowhere near that level, rather than as a way to list his accolades. Lock-up to start, and Storm applies a rear chinlock. Storm shoulders him off the ropes, blocks a hip toss and hits one of his own. Anderson thumbs him in the eyes out of the corner, then hits a clothesline. Anderson beats Storm down in the corner, then sends him hard into the adjacent corner for 2. Anderson with more punches and kicks before applying an arm wringer. Storm armdrags him off, but gets dropped with a clothesline for 1. Anderson goes back to the arm wringer and turns it into an armbar. Storm punches out, and now they’re trading rights. Storm hits a forearm off the ropes, followed by an inverted atomic drop and a bulldog. Anderson backdrops him to the floor, but Storm lands on his feet, hits a kick to the back of the head, then hits a running neckbreaker. Storm blocks a clothesline and counters a swinging neckbreaker into Closing Time. We see Aces and Eights come out through the crowd and form a line near the ring. Team TNA comes out and stands between the ring and the guardrail. In the ring, Anderson hits the Mic Check and gets the 3.

WINNER: Mr. Anderson. Aces and Eights now how have the man advantage in Lethal Lockdown. Because that really means much.

Buddy Ray and Brooke Hogan are heading out to the ring, as is Jeff Hardy.

Ray and Brooke make their way out for this face-to-face confrontation first. Hardy is next, and Ray tells him it’s three days until they’re locked inside of a steel cage. Word on the street is this will be the biggest TNA PPV of all time. Three days until Hardy and Ray do what they do best, and that’s making professional wrestling history. They’ve done it before and will do it again. The fact that Hardy holds the belt is a big deal, but the fact that he’s battled back from so many personal demons is a bigger deal. Ray speaks for every fan as well as himself when he says he’s proud of Hardy. Hardy takes the mic and lists off his challengers, but he’s remained the champion. He knows Ray will beat the hell out of him on Sunday. Will it be enough? Whatever happens at Lockdown, he wants Ray to know he’s proud of him, too, for everything he’s done. Ray takes the mic back and says he’s proud of himself and their history, but he can honestly say he’s not proud of himself. Huh? He’s never looked back and said he’s proud of himself. The only way he can do that is to beat Hardy. He’s not going over the top of the cage or through the door; he’s going to beat Hardy with his best move. When he beats Hardy for the belt and declares himself new champion is when he’ll be proud of himself.

Hulk Hogan’s music hits, and he comes out on crutches. He tells the audience this is as big as it gets right now. There are a lot of guys in the back who want the spots Ray and Hardy have right now, but they are the best of the best. At the end of the day, this small company became a good little company. Now, this little company is ready for a change and will go onto greatness. Everyone in the back and in the company is looking for the next leader to take the company into the future, and we’ll find that out this Sunday at Lockdown. Hardy, you’ve been a great champion since October. Ray, he believes in you and everyone loves him like a brother. At the end of the day, may the best man win, brother.

We see Aces and Eights return to the ring. Ray pushes Brooke aside as he, Hardy and Team TNA begin brawling with A and E.

End of show.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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TNA Impact Wrestling Results and February 7 Recap: New Tag Team Champions

February 09, 2013 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

This week’s episode of Impact kicks off with a…well, not a bang. What’s less effective than a bang? No, pop is still too strong. Let’s say “nacho fart”.

Yes, this week’s TNA Impact Wrestling episode starts off with a nacho fart as the newest members of Aces and Eights, Wes Brisco and Garett Bischoff, make their way out. Could A and E have picked two guys people could care any less about? I’m thinking I should change their name from the Wonder Twins to Tomax and Xamot. Anyway, they are accompanied by the rest of the unmasked members of the group, as well as The Black Scorpion. Devon tells us that, a few weeks ago, he said A and E would dominate 2013. You know something? Not only are they dominating, but they are kicking the front door right into TNA (Huh?). After what they did to Kurt Angle last week, he’s sure everyone would love to see that again. This is the group that will destroy TNA. We get a montage of the history between Angle and the group, as well as the involvement of Tomax and Xamot. Back to the ring, Devon says to Mr. Anderson that, when he told Ken he had a plan, he was oh-so-right. Now, without any further ado, he introduces the new members of A and E, Garett Bischoff and Wes Brisco. Oh, this should be stunning. Garett thanks Devon, then calls the crowd disrespectful. To hell with all of you. This is his new family. His loyalty and respect lies with A and E. Now it’s Brisco’s turn. He says he did this because of you, Hawk Hogan. No, that’s not a typo; that’s really what he said. Anyway, Hogan didn’t answer Brisco’s phone calls for 2 years. Then, he told Brisco he had to start at the bottom and climb his way to the top. A Brisco on the bottom? And then, he wants to throw Brisco in a Gut Check match? Who gave Hogan his first pair of wrestling boots? A holla famer, his father (Again, his words). With the A and E on his back, that’s his ticket to climb to the top of the ladder. Back to Devon. If he was Kurt Angle, he wouldn’t dare think of coming back to TNA. As for you, Hogan, you want to surprise them with a Tables Match? That’s fine. Understand one thing: A and E always has backup. They will always have an ace under their sleeve. Testify.

You know, it’s already bad enough when Devon is the best talker in a segment. When he can’t even do that right, though, there’s a huge, HUGE problem. And TNA, don’t ever give Wes Brisco a microphone ever again. For any reason. At all. Ever.

We see Tara and Jesse in the back, talking about sending someone a message on MySpace. They barge into Brooke Hogan’s office, complaining about being booked in coach seats on the plane. Brooke calls them petty and selfish, as she’s been dealing with so much stuff. Tara bitches about being tired. Brooke tells her she’s wrestling Miss Tessmacher, and Jesse is banned from ringside for that match. For now, he can get Brooke a coffee.

MATCH 1-3-Way Match for the World X-Division Championship: Kenny King vs. Zema Ion vs. Rob Van Dam (Champion)
I am so sick of 3-way X-Division matches. The heels beat RVD down in the corner. RVD boots Ion, followed by an uppercut on Ion by King. RVD hits a springboard thrust kick on King just before Ion and RVD collide in the ring. RVD gets knocked to the floor, and Ion gets clotheslined to the floor by King. King takes RVD out with a corkscrew plancha as Ion climbs back in the ring. He overshoots a somersault plancha to the floor, nearly taking himself out on the guardrail. Back in, Ion hits a top rope seated dropkick on King. King counters a corner charge with an Oklahoma Roll. Ion rolls through and goes for a Buzzsaw, but King ducks and counters into a half-Boston crab. RVD breaks the hold with a boot to the head. King comes back with a modified Dragon Whip, followed by a jumping roundhouse for 2. King telegraphs a dropkick, and RVD capitalizes with a spinning legdrop. He goes for Rolling Thunder, but Ion trips him up on the outside. RVD hits a monkey flip on him, followed by a step-over spinning heel kick on King. Ion comes off the middle with a tornado DDT on RVD for 2. King breaks up the pin and calls for the Royal Flush on Ion. Ion counters into a small package for 2. Ion hits a back suplex into a facebreaker for 2 as RVD pulls him off from the outside. Ion goes for a baseball slide on RVD, but RVD sidesteps him and hits a clothesline. Back in, RVD appears to go for the 5-Star on King, but King rolls out of the way. Ion comes in and RVD leaps at him. Ion ducks as RVD lands on his feet. RVD goes for a cross-body, but Ion ducks, sending the champ back to the floor. He hits a neckbreaker on King off a hotshot for 2. He calls for the 450 splash, but King comes back with rights. He hits a corner charge and goes for a suplex, but RVD is back in, and he breaks up the move. King clotheslines him back to the floor as Ion rolls him up for 2. Ion hits a dropkick. King blocks a middle rope moonsault, then hits a running seated dropkick. Northern lights suplex by King for 2 as RVD breaks it with a 5-Star Frog Splash on King. He covers Ion for the pin, getting 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Rob Van Dam.

Bobby Roode and Austin Aries are entering the building. Aries says that, when they work together, they are unstoppable, and they are taking the tag titles home tonight. Roode agrees, and tonight, it’s not about ego; it’s about them walking the same path. Aries says that, when they have all the gold, everyone will follow their lead.

There’s a video for TNA’s new UK-only show, British Boot Camp. It’s a Tough Enough-type show, and it was won by some wrestler calling himself Rockstar Spud. We see some clips of the show, including training by the wrestlers. All four of them are total twigs who look like they have absolutely no business anywhere in a wrestling ring: Rockstar Spud, Party Marty, and the Blossom Twins. Jesus. Later tonight, we get an introduction to Spud.

We see Bruce Prichard and D’Lo Brown talking about Tomax and Xamot’s “shocking turn”. Prichard says there will be hell to pay when Kurt Angle comes back, and it’s his and D’Lo’s fault for allowing Brisco on the roster.

Jesse is in the ring, and he has something disappointing to say. Brooke Hogan has banned him from ringside on his very own girlfriend’s matches tonight. Don’t worry; he’s going to give the fans exactly what they paid their hard-earned money for, and that’s the chance to see a true Hollywood star, because quite frankly, who do these people have to cheer for? So none other than himself. Get your cameras and cellphones out, because this will be one “pectacular” photo opportunity. Kill me now.

James Storm’s music hits. Still waiting to be killed. I welcome death. Storm says he was listening to Jesse run his “bottle sucker”, talking about taking some pictures. These people don’t care about taking no pictures. They came to drink some beer while watching someone get beat up. Tara saved him last week, but she’s not out here this time, so Storm is going to give the fans what they want. He’s going to kick the crap out of Jesse, then drink some beer, then he’ll pick Jesse up so these people can see him with no teeth in his mouth.

MATCH 2: Jesse vs. James Storm
Storm fires off some rights and uppercuts. Jesse thumbs him in the eye, then hits some rights of his own. Back elbows in the corner by Jesse, and now an abdominal stretch is applied. Storm blocks a clothesline and hits a side-Russian legsweep. Storm hits some rights and a forearm. Inverted atomic drop by Storm, followed by the Eye of the Storm. Kick from the apron by Storm, followed by a running neckbreaker. Spinebuster and Closing Time, and Storm calls for the Last Call, which connects in slow-mo for 3.

WINNER: James Storm. After the match, the poor man’s Stone Cold Steve Austin drinks some beer after doing a stupid ventriloquist bit with Jesse.

MATCH 3-World Tag Team Championship: Austin Aries and Bobby Roode vs. Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez (Champions)
You know, I actually had a brief conversation with Todd Keneley a couple nights ago over Facebook. While I’m not a huge fan of his work thus far (to be fair, though, he’s still very new), I do have to say that, sadly, despite the collective experience of his broadcast partners, he’s the best commentator the company has ever had. And I mean since day 1. That’s not a knock on him; that just shows you how badly Taz and Tenay now suck at their jobs. Roode and Chavo start the match with a lock-up. Roode applies an armbar, and Chavo counters into a side headlock. Chavo goes into a waistlock. Roode elbows out, and Chavo comes back with a spinning headscissors and a dropkick. Aries tags himself in, and Hernandez is now legal as well. As a heavily tattooed man myself, I can tell you that Hernandez’s tattoo work absolutely sucks. Hey, it matches his promo skills! Aries applies a side headlock, so Hernandez picks him up and sets him across the top buckle. Aries ducks a clothesline and cartwheels to avoid a back body drop. He goes for a tag, but Roode isn’t interested. Aries turns around into a standing avalanche. Hernandez goes for a delayed vertical suplex, but Roode comes in and pulls Aries down. He boots Hernandez and they go for a double suplex. Chavo comes in and instead helps Hernandez hit a double suplex of his own. Chavo tags in. Hernandez hits a bodyslam, and Chavo follows up with a tope con hilo. European uppercut by Chavo, and as he goes to the ropes, Roode trips him and drags him to the floor. Aries goes for a suicide dive as Roode holds Chavo, but Chavo moves out of the way, causing Aries to slam into Roode. Commercials.

We’re back, and Hernandez tags in, who hits an avalanche in the corner for 2 as Roode breaks up the pin. Chavo back in, who hits a snapmare and low dropkick. They trade chops in the corner until Chavo hits another European uppercut. Hernandez back in, and he bodyslams Chavo onto Aries. Hernandez hits a splash for 2 as Roode breaks it up again. Chavo back in, and the crowd could care less about the champs. Chavo knocks Roode off the apron, and the distraction allows Aries to hit a rolling elbow. The heels make the fake tag, and Roode stomps Chavo down. Back elbow for 2. Snapmare by Roode, and Aries tags himself back in. Roode hits a rolling neck snap, and Aries comes in with a spinning European uppercut to the back of the head for 2. Roode back in, and he beats Chavo down in the corner. He takes Chavo out with a clothesline for 2 before applying a rear chinlock. Aries back in, and he hits a gut shot. Foot choke on the apron sends Chavo to the floor. Outside, Roode slams him into the apron. Aries comes down with a double axe handle from the top rope. Back in, Aries gets 2 with his feet on the ropes. Roode tags in as Chavo fights out of the corner. Roode prevents a tag and applies a rear chinlock. Aries makes a fake tag off a distraction by Hernandez, and Aries applies a rear chinlock. Aries sits on Chavo’s back before going back to the hold. Aries tries the sit-down again, but Chavo turns on his back and his knee connects with Aries’ groin. Comedy. Chavo kicks Aries off, but right into his own corner, where Roode makes the tag. He prevents Chavo from tagging out and beats him down in the corner. Chavo shows he’s been watching Alberto Del Rio tapes as he goes to the top for a moonsault, misses, lands on his feet and rolls through. The two simultaneously clothesline each other, and now both are down. Aries tags in, as does Hernandez. Hernandez with the luke-warm tag, and the crowd could not give a damn about “Supermex”. He hits an over-the-shoulder backbreaker drop on Aries for 2 as Roode breaks it up. Hernandez hits a slingshot shoulderblock on Aries, and then hits a Pounce on Roode. Chavo back in, who hits the 3 Amigos, and the crowd hates it. Aries blocks the 3rd and goes for the brainbuster. Chavo slides out and shoves Aries into Roode. The heels start pushing each other and Roode tells Aries to kiss his ass before leaving the ring. Chavo hits a suplex and Hernandez comes in. Hernandez goes for the Border Toss as Chavo climbs up top. Roode returns to the ring in time to shove Chavo to the mat as Aries slides out of the Toss. As the ref is checking on Chavo, Aries low blows Hernandez and Roode throws him to the floor. Aries hits a running dropkick in the corner before throwing him into a spinebuster by Roode. Aries goes up top and hits the 450 splash for the first time in quite a while, and it’s enough to get the 3.

WINNERS AND NEW CHAMPIONS: Austin Aries and Bobby Roode.

We see Brooke, Buddy Ray and Sting in the back, talking about tonight’s main event. Hulk Hogan walks in, so Sting and Brooke leave. Hogan says he’s glad his new son-in-law has his head in the game. The main event was made for Ray, and this is the end tonight. This is to make sure Ray proves how wrong Hogan has been about him. Ray says that, with all due respect, he ain’t no good guy. Just because he’s good to Brooke doesn’t make him a good guy. He didn’t forget what A and E did to everyone, including what happened during the wedding. He’s Buddy Ray. He ain’t no good guy; he’s a very bad one. I guess no one told Ray “ain’t no” is a double negative, which means he called himself a good guy before calling himself a bad guy, which cancel each other out. Hogan says that, for the sake of their family, he hopes he knows who Ray really is. This ends tonight, and he wants Ray to end it for all of them. Ray says, “Consider it done…dad.”

Video package for AJ Styles’ long, drawn-out, go-nowhere storyline.

MATCH 4: Miss Tessmacher vs. Knockouts Champion Tara (non-title)
Tessy rolls Tara up for 2. Tara comes back with a kneelift before slamming Tessy’s face into the mat while screaming Jesse’s name. Hip throw by Tara, and it’s turned into a side headlock. Tessy fights out, but Tara hits a shoulder. Tessy trips her before a crisscross can happen, followed by a Dropsh*t. Tessy botches a victory roll, sending Tara face-first into the mat. She turns her over for a pin, getting 2. Tessy stomps her in the corner, hits a hip bump and a Stinkface. Tara rolls to the outside, so Tessy throws her back in. Tara stops a top rope attack and hits the Spider’s Web for 2. Hairmare by Tara, followed by a hair hang over her back. Tara applies a full-nelson now. Tessy ass bumps her way out of it, so Tara whips her down by the hair. Tara goes for the pin after a choke, getting 2. Tessy rolls her up for 2, and Tara comes back with a clothesline for a 2 of her own. Tara locks on a rear chinlock. Tessy fights out, and gets hit with another clothesline. Tessy comes back with forearms, hits a couple jumping clotheslines, a jumping forearm and a hurricanrana. She goes for the Mug Shot, but Tara hotshots her into the buckle. Tessy recovers and hits the Brooke Shield for 3. Kenely referred to it as the “Tess Shot”. I like my name better.

WINNER: Miss Tessmacher.

Jeremy Borash is in the ring, and he welcomes Rockstar Spud to the ring. Man, is this guy a douchebag. He should team with Zema Ion. The can call themselves “Summer’s Eve”. JB congratulates him on winning British Boot Camp. Rockstar Spud says he’s in the building. Thanks, Captain Obvious. Finally, he’s right here where he always wanted to be: in this ring, in front of thousands of his own countrymen. He is the newest member of the Impact Wrestling roster.

The Robbies interrupt thing, and E takes the mic from JB. He says the fact that Spud earned a contract is a travesty, bro. That is, of course, unless we’re hiring midgets. You, Spud, you’re not a rockstar; you’re a pizza delivery boy, bro. Hey! Get me my pizza, bro! You’re lucky T is holding him back, because he’d take you out, bro! If he told T to knock him out, he’d do it, bro. He’d knock you out, you hamster. You’re a piece of garbage, bro. T does what E tells him to do, bro. T is slowly getting irritated, so he bends down to pick up his clipboard, which allows Spud to knock E out of the ring. E orders T to take Spud out, but T pretends like he can’t hear. T starts to fist pump, so Spud turns fist into devil horns.

We see Sting and Ray walking in the back. Ray says Sting has had his back since the beginning. He’s not letting Sting down tonight, and they’re going to put A and E through tables. Brooke stops them and asks if they’re ready. Sting tells her to literally get her game face on. Ray tells her to put on the war paint.

MATCH 5-Tag Team Tables Match: World Television Champion Devon and DOC vs. Bully Ray and Sting
The faces tee off on the heels to start the match, beating them down in adjacent corners. Now in opposite corners, the faces send the heels into each other, then hit a pair of clotheslines. The beatdown continues before Ray throws DOC to a corner. Then another. Double clothesline for DOC. Double back elbow for Devon. More punches by the faces. Taz just pointed out that “ain’t” isn’t in the dictionary. A few years ago, that was true. However, it is now officially a word in the English language. Taz is a moron. In opposite corners now, and Ray hits a Stinger Splash on Devon. Sting then hits one. They send DOC into the corner on Devon. Ray hits a double avalanche, and Sting hits a double clothesline. Devon gets thrown to the floor as DOC is clotheslined to the floor. Commercials.

We’re back, and DOC is hitting rights on Ray. Ray comes back with a big boot. DOC rebounds, hits a big boot and a clothesline. DOC takes off his belt and chokes Ray on the outside. In the ring, Devon attacks Sting with rights until Sting comes back with a clothesline. Sting hits a bodyslam, and the faces go for What’s Up?, which connects. Ray orders Sting to get the tables. Sting does the same to Ray. Ray grabs a table and throws it in the ring. DOC and Devon recover and take the faces out. Devon pulls the table to the middle of the ring. They go for a double suplex, but Ray moves the table. DOC attacks him from behind and sends him to the floor. DOC sets the table up once more as Devon sets Sting on it. Ray drags Devon to the floor, where they hit simultaneous clotheslines on each other. Back in the ring, DOC is going to the top when Sting recovers. Sting goes for a superplex, but Mike Knox runs in and moves the table. He holds Sting up for a shot by Devon, but Sting ducks, causing Devon to punch Knox. Sting fights off Devon and DOC, and he hits the Scorpion Death Drop on DOC. Devon knocks Sting to the floor and sets up the table as Ray gets back in the ring. Ray “Hulks up” as I choke on my own bile. Ray hits three punches and a big boot before chokeslamming Devon through the table.

WINNERS: Bully Ray and Sting. The Hogans come out applauding.

End of show.
As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin
WWE: Elimination Chamber 2013

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