So, for the opening rant, I think I’ll discuss Matt Hardy briefly. Yes, I know. We discussed him getting arrested for drunk driving already. That was the first time. For those that don’t know, Matt Hardy was arrested again on a DWI charge on September 12th. As you would expect, Matt immediately went to Twitter, telling us all he was framed. Basically, he said the exact same thing he said the last time he got arrested for this.

You know, I could crack a bunch of jokes here, but much like Kurt Angle, it’s not even funny anymore. Much like Kurt Angle, Matt has severe problems and refuses to get help. As a result, he’s endangering himself as well as all of those around him. At this point, both men are total train wrecks and, despite desperately needing help, neither one of them will get it. You can’t get help unless you admit you have a problem, and neither are willing to do that. In Matt’s case, he tried to tell us all he had a problem and that he was going to get help. I feel sorry for those of you that believed that tripe. Clearly, Matt was only trying to make himself look good in that regard. If he was telling the truth, how in the hell did he get arrested for driving while intoxicated yet again?

Matt, I’m done with you. Like I said before, any respect I might have still had for you is long gone. At this point, I don’t give a damn what happens to you, and you have no one to blame for all of this but yourself. As for your conspiracy theory about being framed, that’s simply an excuse you’ve conjured up in order to gain sympathy. You know what? I’m calling BS immediately. There is no conspiracy in place; you’re simply a discipline case who refuses to own up to the consequences of your actions. Kind of hard to do when you can’t even own up to the actions in the first place. I really don’t care what happens to you anymore, Matt. Whether you live or die is of no concern to me, and for those of you that are still supporting Matt and buying into what he’s selling you, be prepared for some serious disappointment. Yet again.

To hell with you, Matt.

Okay, enough of that. On with Impact Wrestling for 9/15/11. I’m not going to go into what happened at No Surrender, as it’s already been covered here. However, if you were wondering what happened but don’t feel like reading, just look at the card and predict the winners of each match. I can almost guarantee you’ll be batting 1000, as it sounded about as predictable as it gets. I didn’t watch it, of course. I haven’t paid to watch TNA in at least 6 years; I’m not about to start now.

We get a recap of the finals of the TNA Wrestling “Bound For Glory Series” that took place at the PPV. Bobby Roode won, so he gets the title match at BFG. He will face Angle, who won the 3-way at the PPV, thus retaining the title.

We start the show with Ric Flair coming out, in his ring gear. Are we starting the show with the Sting/Flair match (which I hear will be beyond horrible)? Flair calls Sting out “one last time”. Yeah, right. How many times have we heard say those words in the past? Sting makes his way out, and he’s got a long version of the “Sgt. Pepper” jacket on. Flair says tonight, it’s Sting vs. Gawd, and one man walks out of the ring tonight retired, or one man walks out, goes to the hotel and gets drunk. Flair says he told Hogan he would beat Sting regardless of the odds, and Sting is only getting to Hogan over Flair’s dead body. Sting says if that’s the case, Flair will die tonight. Sting says he will make Flair’s life a living hell starting now. Flair says blood, sweat and tears for Sting’s ass. Sting wants the match now. Indy security guards come out to get between them as Flair continues to scream incoherently.

Backstage, we see Jeff Hardy entering the building. Is he going to ask for his 50th last chance again tonight?

Back to the show, Jeff Hardy’s rambling about how he’s going to “address the boys” and “make things right”. Whatever.

MATCH 1-8-Person Inter-Gender Tag Team Match: Mexican America (World Tag Team Champions Anarquia & Hernandez, Rosita and Sarita) vs. Devon, D’Angelo Dinero, and Knockouts Tag Team Champions Tara and Miss Tessmacher
Boy, this match just SCREAMS workrate. Devon and Hernandez start off with a tie-up. Devon with a side headlock. Devon with a flying shoulderblock. Hernandez tags in Anarquia, who eats a hip toss. Pope tags in with a punch off the middle rope and an atomic drop. Inverted atomic drop and a modified bulldog by Pope before he hits some elbows for 2. The giant Mexican flag is still hanging down, pissing off half the crowd who can’t see the match. Behind the ref’s back, Los Prostitutos are stomping Devon. Hernandez tags in and gets whipped onto Pope by his partner before Anarquia hits a stupid-looking modified bulldog. Pope comes back with a clothesline. Pope tags in Devon, who hits a flying clothesline and a hangman’s neckbreaker for 2. Pope and Hernandez are back in. Hernandez takes the urinage while Pope works on Anarquia in the corner. Rosita and Sarita try to attack from behind, but are chased away by Tara and Tessy. The non-Spaniard women start flirting with Devon’s teenage sons. Devon and Pope clothesline the tag champs. Tara and Tessy spear the other broads while Devon and Pope clothesline the tag champs to the floor. Tara and Tessy hit stereo rydeen bombs to get the 3.

WINNERS: Devon, D’Angelo Dinero, Tara and Miss Tessmacher. The knockouts got the pin, despite neither of them were the legal competitors in the match. Total clusterf*ck.

In Karen Jarrett’s office, Traci Brooks walks in, looking like Aksana. Jarrett starts laying into her for whatever reason, tells Brooks to cover up her boobs, then tells Brooks she has class. She tells Traci Brooks she has a job for her, making her call Karen “ma’am”. She tells Traci to bring all of the knockouts to her office, and wipe the dirty look off her face.

How does Jennifer Lopez still have a career of any kind? And since when did Fiat make a come back?

Back in Karen Jarrett’s office, she and my soul mate Madison Rayne are sucking up to each other. Jarrett says the game between Mickie James and Winter is over, and there’s no rematch. She says there will be “Queen’s Qualifier” matches over the next three weeks. Mickie James will face Miss Tessmacher, Tara will take on Rayne and Velvet Sky will face Angelina Love tonight. The winners of the matches will compete against Winter at Bound For Glory for the title. Madison Rayne is screeching like a banshee before sucking up to Karen Jarrett again. If Mickie James had stayed around for this, we’d have a full horse stable right now.

Back in the ring, four members of the five-man Fourtune are in the ring. A.J. Styles introduces us to Bobby Roode. Booby Roode comes out. Anyone else notice that the Beer Money theme features the word “sh*t” several times? James Storm looks rather douchey here tonight. Not that this is anything new. Styles says it’s a privilege to acknowledge what Roode did on Sunday. The crowd is chanting “next world champ”. Styles says there is no doubt in anyone’s mind that Roode will become the next champion. Nothing against Roode, but I don’t see it happening. Christopher Daniels takes the mic and says he’s done a lot of things in his career-including beating a former World Champion that’s in the ring right now, and wants to congratulate Roode. He says Roode’s victory over Blubber Ray was inspiring, almost as inspiring as his win over Styles. Daniels says as long as Roode believes in himself, everyone else will believe in him, too. He talks about beating Styles again. Kaz says that, no matter what, the members of Fourtune would always have each others’ backs, and they’ve done more for the company than anyone else. Kaz says they all have goals, and Roode accomplished his. Kaz says no one on the roster deserves to be champion on the roster more than Roode. Now we have to listen to James Storm. He calls Roode the future World Champion. He talks about how they were thrown together as a team at random, and they made it work. They’ve always turned chicken poop into chicken salad. He says he can’t say the cuss word. Funny, because the guy singing the entrance theme can. Storm talks about them being on the road, and how it all boils down to the match with Angle at BFG. Storm says he wishes it was him, but Roode is like his brother, and he’s glad Roode gets the spot. He spews his catchphrase at Kurt Angle. Guess who comes out next?

Kurt “Repeat Offender” Angle makes his way to the ring. He looks like a coked-up serial killer with that smile on his face. He says that everyone is right in that Roode clawed his way to the top of the series and became the #1 contender. Well, no sh*t, Captain Obvious. Angle calls Fourtune the “Five Musketeers”, and questions whether or not the other guys in the group are envious of Roode. They all deny it. He says Storm has a great poker face. Everyone is here for the same reason, and that’s the World Championship. He calls Bobby Roode “Robert’, and says they’re jealous of him, and he’ll prove it. Since the Bischoff/Hogan stroke has rubbed off on him (insert your own joke here), Angle has booked Roode in a match. For the next few weeks, he’ll take on each member of Fourtune, and if any of them beat Roode, those who beat him will be at the top of the totem pole. Tonight, Kazarian will be the first person Roode has to face.

Up next, Velvet Sky takes on an anorexic blow-up doll with jailhouse tattoos.

Bischoff is on the phone in his office. Whoever was on the other line is apparently on their way to the Impact Zone. Kurt Angle is in his office. He congratulates Angle on the match he made a minute ago, calling it a “gold medal idea”.

MATCH 2-“Queen’s Qualifier”: Angelina Love (w/Knockouts Champion Winter) vs. Velvet Sky
Holy hell, Angelina Love is repulsive. She looks like she has both anorexia and leprosy at the same time. As Sky is doing her entrance, Love hip-bumps her to the floor. Love with some kicks as the referee counts. Back in the ring, Love gets 2. Love is kicking her in the hip. Velvet kicks off a back body drop attempt and hits a modified bulldog. Commercial.

Back from the break, Love gets 2, followed by some elbows to the back. Love throws Sky head-first into the turnbuckle a couple times, followed up with some gut stomps. Sky gets her foot up on a corner charge, and a sunset flip gets 2. Love comes back with a jumping clothesline and a rear chinlock. Sky elbows out and hits a jawbreaker. She runs to the ropes, but is tripped up by Winter. Love hits some sloppy punches to the head, then chokes Sky on the middle rope with her knee. Behind the ref’s back, Winter does some choking, too. Love gets another 2 before going back to the chinlock. Sky’s getting some chunk around her midsection. Love with some forearms to the back of the neck and a knee to the gut. Sky reverses an Irish whip, causing Love and Winter to almost collide. Love puts on the breaks, but turns around into a clothesline. After a little offense, Sky hits a sloppy inverted bulldog. Winter gets on the apron and tries to hit Sky with the belt, but Sky ducks and Love takes the shot to the face. Bet that’s not the first time someone’s said that about Angelina Love. Sky hits the Beau-DT to get the 3.

WINNER: Velvet Sky. If you’re wondering what the “Beau-DT” is, it’s a really sucktacular version of the snap DDT The Miz uses.

Backstage, Jeff Hardy tries to talk to A.J. Styles. Styles doesn’t want to talk. He talks about how he’s been here for nine years, building the company, and Jeff Hardy nearly destroyed it in one night. He calls Hardy selfish and says he tried to take money away from Styles and his family. He says he’s killing himself for the company, not drinking and doing drugs. Styles says there won’t ever be a time or place for Hardy to be around him. Jeff walks off, looking very sadpants.

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Backstage, Ric Flair meets up with Hulk Hogan. Hogan is glad to see Flair is ready to go and is taking this thuper-therioul. Hogan says, just in case, he’s got a plan B. Sting pops up and says he wants to know what the plan is. His plan is to go through Flair to get to Hogan. Hogan and Flair ramble on some more before walking away.

We get Crimson via satellite from Brooklyn (i.e., he’s in a dressing room in the Impact Zone). He talks about how Samoa Joe wrecked his leg and knocked him out of the BFG series. He says he has a hairline fracture in his leg. Taz asks about the bad blood between Joe and Crimson. Crimson doesn’t know what it’s about. He says Joe tempted fate doing what he did, and that he will pay. Crimson says he’ll be back in two weeks.

MATCH 3-Submission Match: Samoa Joe vs. Matt Morgan
Does anyone else how to pronounce “Samoa” correctly? It’s pronounced “saw-mo-ah”. Jeez. Anyhoo, this is a return match from No Surrender. Joe attacks from behind, but Morgan turns around and gets Joe in the corner with some shots, followed by his repeated back elbow move thingy. Why do Tenay and Taz keep saying “wheelhouse”? Morgan with some more shots. Joe with a jawbreaker and a modified leg sweep. Joe is attacking Morgan’s left leg before going for a choke, but Morgan gets to the ropes. Morgan with more shot, but Joe with a running elbow strike takes Morgan back down. Joe goes back for the choke, but Morgan gets a rope break once again. They’re trading punches now. Morgan gets three uppercuts, followed by more punches. Morgan takes Joe down with a discus clothesline and a sidewalk slam off the turnbuckles. Joe tries for a belly-to-belly, but Morgan escapes and hits a Michinoku driver #2. Morgan locks in a triangle choke-style move, but Joe gets a rope break. Morgan signals for the Carbon Footprint. Joe sidesteps and goes for a kick, but Morgan blocks and tries for a chokeslam. Joe gets the ref between them, followed by an eye poke. Joe picks Morgan up in a really crappy over-the-shoulder gutbuster thing before locking in a heel hook to get the submission.

WINNER: Samoa Joe. That’s the first time Joe’s won a match in, what, 10 months or so?

In a locker room, Kazarian’s getting ready for his match. Angle walks in all excited. He says he’s looking for the next top contender before asking Kaz how many title shots he’s had. He says Kaz is the number one guy in Fourtune before trying to get a handshake. He glad-hands Kaz some more before walking out.

In another part of the Impact Zone, Devon is laying into Jeff Hardy. He says they’ve known each other for 12 years, and he cares too much about Jeff, but won’t sit here and let Jeff throw everything they’ve built up away. Devon says he knows the real Jeff Hardy, and Jeff needs to get it straight and get his head cleared. Devon won’t turn his back on Jeff, but will grab Jeff by the neck and throw him through the wall if that’s what it takes to help Jeff get right. Devon says if Jeff fails again, it will be over. He says he’s got Jeff’s back.

Kazarian/Roode happens next.

Does TNA Wrestling have a policy in place where all of their t-shirts have to look like Affliction merchandise?

MATCH 4-Kazarian vs. Bobby Roode
Kazarian comes out to the awful Fourtune theme. Apparently, he’s the only member of the group who doesn’t get his own music. Bobby Roode gets pyro this week. He appears to have a bunch of black crap stuck to his chest, not to mention some very generic-looking new tights. They start with a tie-up. Kazarian turns it into an armbar. Roode flips out into a hammerlock. They trade a bunch of other moves before getting a stand-off. Another tie-up and Kaz goes to the waist. Roode reverses into a waistlock takedown into a front chancery. Kaz tries to reverse, but Roode counters with an arm drag. Roode with an arm bar. Kaz flips out, but misses a springboard legdrop. Kaz throws Roode into the ropes. They trade some leapfrogs. Kaz goes for a springboard tornado DDT, but Roode reverses into a northern lights suplex for 2. Another tie-up, with Kaz getting Roode into the corner. He lays in some forearms. Roode looks pissed before hitting some of his own. He gets a flying forearm off the ropes before clothesline Kaz over the top rope to the floor. Roode follows him to the outside to check on him. Kaz shoves him off. Roode with a shove of his own before Kaz lays in a punch to the face. Back in the ring, Kaz hits a slingshot legdrop for 2, followed by a gutwrench suplex for another 2. Kaz with a cravat now, but Roode’s back up to his feet. He tries to fight out, but eats a kneelift to the face. Kaz throws Roode into the corner, but Roode comes back with a pair of clotheslines and a back body drop. Roode with the middle rope blockbuster for 2. Kaz reverses a corner whip and goes for his awful inverted tombstone, but Roode reverses into the Bowflex to earn the tap-out.

WINNER: Bobby Roode. Backstage, Angle is watching a monitor, and is angry about what he just saw. Back in the ring, Roode tries to help Kaz up, but Kaz shrugs him off. He eventually swallows his pride and shakes Roode’s hand, telling him “You’re ready.”
So far, this has easily been the best match of the night. It wasn’t great, but not terrible, either.

Up next, we get the nightmare known as Sting/Flair 2011.

Anyone else think Brad Pitt looks identical to Robert Redford in this trailer for Moneyball?

Back from the break, we get Kurt Angle hawking his movie Warrior. Based on what they’re showing here, it looks like he barely has a part. He looks either stoned or drunk during the interview.

Backstage, Kazarian is complimenting Bobby Roode. Pat Kenney nonsensically walks into frame before immediately walking out. Roode compliments Kazarian and says he’s like family.

Austin Aries is somewhere backstage talking about winning the X-Division title, and this is what the champion is supposed to look like. He’s renaming the division the “A-Double Division”, and will make his first title defense next week. Also next week, Christopher Daniels will take on Bobby Roode, Mickie James will take on Miss Tessmacher, and the team of Blubber Ray and Jerry Lynn will face Rob Van Dam and Mr. Anderson. This leads to a promo by Ray and Lynn. Lynn basically calls RVD nothing but a pothead, and Blubber says he’s going to take out Anderson. Lynn says he will kick RVD so hard in the face, he’ll knock all of his teeth out.

And now, it’s time for the match at least one person said was so bad, it did not deserve to air on television, and no, that one person was not me. Although considering it’s TNA and the fact that these guys have a combined age of over 110, I have very low expectations.

MATCH 5: Ric Flair vs. Sting
Sting is wearing black and pink gear here tonight. Bret Hart, he is not. Flair looks more pitiful than ever. They start with a tie-up, but Sting throws him off. Sting with a headlock and a shoulder block to take Flair back down. Flair with an arm wringer. Sting backs Flair into the corner, allowing the clean break. Looking at Flair’s gut right now, I think he might be pregnant with a V baby. Look it up. Sting with a hammerlock, but Flair reverses into a drop toehold. Sting reverses into a hammerlock on the mat. Flair gets to the ropes. Back on their feet, Flair shoves Sting a few times before Sting slaps him down as we go to commercial.

Back from the break, Sting is laying in punches on Flair in the corner. Flair reverses into a corner whip. Sting reverses, but runs into an elbow. Flair goes up top, but Sting immediately throws him off. Bet you didn’t see that coming. The top of Flair’s head looks a lot like Hogan’s at this point. Sting clotheslines Flair to the floor, but Flair comes back with a kick to the gut. Flair whips Sting into the guardrail, but Sting no-sells and runs back with a clothesline. Flair rolls back into the ring and backs himself into a corner. Sting with punches in the corner, but he turns around to argue with the ref. Flair hits Sting with a blatant low-blow, but referee Earl Hebner is apparently blind. Tenay makes the very intelligent observation that Sting is wrestling like his career is on the line. That’s kind of the point in a match where he retires if he loses, f*ckwit. Sting misses a Stinger Splash, allowing Flair to hit a chop block and lock in the figure-4. When was the last time Flair beat anyone with this, let alone Sting? Flair holds the ropes for leverage while Hebner’s back is turned, getting a couple of 2-counts. Sting manages to turn the lock over, but Flair rolls over again into the ropes, breaking the hold. Both are back up now, with Flair getting a kick to Sting’s knee. A few more stomps on Sting’s knee as he rolls around on the mat. Flair picks Sting back up and drapes his leg across the middle rope in the corner. Flair with a few chops to the chest. Sting begins to no-sell this, begging for more. Flair hits a chop off the ropes and dances, but Sting no-sells. Flair pokes Sting in the eyes and goes up top, but Sting connects with a top rope superplex. Somehow, Flair didn’t just turn into dust right now. Sting gets 2 as Immortal runs down to interfere. Sting takes Gunner, Jarrett and Steiner out as Abyss just looks on. Hogan is checking on Flair in the corner. Blubber Ray comes in behind the ref’s back, but Anderson chases them all off with a chair. Hogan hands Flair a roll of taped-up napkins that are supposedly brass knuckles (read Bret Hart’s book). Flair connects with a punch, but only gets 2. Sting is no-selling the hell out of this match. Sting with a Stinger Splash, and then gets Flair in the scorpion death lock to get the submission victory.

WINNER: Sting. Hogan looks on stoned out of his mind as Sting celebrates.

End of show.

Well, this is supposed to lead to Sting/Hogan, but from what I’ve been reading, this (mercifully) won’t happen. The only bright spot on the show tonight was Kazarian/Roode, which was pretty solid. Otherwise, I’ve seen XPW put on better shows.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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Welcome to theTNA Impact Wrestling recap for 8/25/11. As I’m sure most of you are aware, not only was Matt Hardy fired earlier this week for being arrested on a DWI charge, but Jeff Hardy is scheduled to return tonight at the taping in Huntsville, Alabama.

So, to recap, one Hardy brother gets fired for being arrested while the other one is keeping his job despite facing multiple felony drug-related charges. Apparently, the message TNA wants to get across to its wrestlers is, if you get drunk and crash your car, we will fire you immediately. If you are facing illegal drug charges, though, you’ll not only keep your job, but we’ll push you to the moon, even if you show up for your main event match stoned out of your mind. TNA: Drug-Addicted WWE Rejects Welcome!

The show starts with a recap of Kurt Angle beating up Crimson from a couple of weeks ago, as well as their confrontation from last week. It was bad enough recapping it the first time, so let’s leave it at that.

“Live” at the Impact Zone, we see Kurt Angle coming down to the ring with the Battle Dome Championship. I hope T-Money is his next challenger. Kirk Angel (your check’s in the mail, Jericho) grabs a microphone and says that he’s calling out Crimson this week. This leads to Crimson coming out with a limp. He’s actually wearing red gear this week! Amazing. Angle says that the way Crimson carried himself last week was impressive, and that means Crimson either has balls or is a complete jackass. Angle says a few months ago, Crimson was nothing more than Amazing Red’s little brother, but now he’s a somebody, and Kurt Angle says he should get credit for that. Angle says he’ll make Crimson famous tonight by not only ending his undefeated streak, but ending his career. He says that’s the price you pay for disrespecting him.

Crimson talks about how Angle nearly broke his leg two weeks ago. He says he has no problem earning Angle’s respect, and he plans to do that tonight. He reminds us that Angle says he’s going to take every young guy on the roster out, and that he should start with Crimson. Crimson goes on to say he’ll earn Angle’s respect tonight.

Hogan’s Orange Goblins begin to make their way to the ring, minus Hogan and Bischoff. Jeff Hardy must’ve been doing a line in the back and missed his cue, as he’s also absent. As a AAA fan, I hate Jeff Jarrett now more than ever.

Blubber Ray grabs a microphone now. Great. He asks if Crimson is serious, and reminds him he’s talking to Kurt frickin’ Angle. As Ray begins to list off Angle’s achievements, Angle cuts him off and tells him he can handle things himself. He says that if any member of the H.O.G.s interferes in his match tonight-especially Jarrett, they have a problem. He tells Crimson it’s time to make him famous before walking back up the ramp. Jeff Jarrett nonsensically mugs for the camera.

Earlier today, Jackie and ODB confronted Velvet Sky. Sky says she has their backs tonight. Weren’t they feuding just a couple of weeks ago? Jackie says there’s two of them, and they could take her out right now, as well as the only witness, that being the camera man. I guess she forgot the ten people watching this show.

Before the commercial break, we see a pair of feet walking around backstage. Sadly, it won’t be Dude Love this time.

The 8/16 episode of this show was apparently the highest rated episode ever in the UK and Ireland. Huzzah! They shot up to 20 viewers there!

In Bischoff’s office, he’s laying into Hogan about Ric Flair as Hogan grunts. Ric Flair is also in the room. Hogan says he’s not going to get into the ring with Sting, and isn’t happy about the stipulation that Flair made last week for his match with Sting. You know, the one that never happened? Flair says he’ll make it up to Hogan. Hogan says that, tonight, they are going to go out to the ring and make things right with Sting, and asks Flair to keep his mouth shut the entire time. Flair promises to do just that. Damn, that was exciting stuff!

Angelina Love heads to the ring for our next match. She has uber-generic music now.

MATCH 1-6-Knockouts Tag Team Match: Angelina Love, Rosita and Sarita vs. Jackie, ODB and Velvet Sky
Just when I thought Love couldn’t look any more hideous, she tops herself this week. Sarita still has thong panties on her face. Jackie and Sarita start things off with a tie-up. They trade a few moves. Sarita catches a knee and tags in Rosita. They trade some shots. Jackie tags in Sky. Sky accidentally hits Jackie with a forearm, leading to a 2 by Rosita. Sky with a jawbreaker, and she tags in ODB. Rosita tags in Sarita, but she gets tripped up by ODB. Sky back in now, and she hits some incredibly weak shots. Sarita telegraphs a back body drop, but catches a dropkick attempt and catapults Sky into a forearm by Rosita. Rosita’s back in now with some forearms and kicks. She tags Sarita back in, who bodyslams Sky and follows up with some elbows and a knee. Rosita’s back in, who hits some kicks and forearms. Sarita back in now. Sky fights out and catches a back chop. Love makes the blind tag, which pisses Rosita off for some reason. Sky kicks Love off and hits a really sloppy side uranage, leading to Rosita and Sarita to break up a pinfall attempt. ODB and Jackie cut them off outside. Love whips Sky down of a whip before hitting her really sloppy double-knee to the back of the neck. ODB and Jackie hit Love with a double suplex, leading Sky to get the pin.

WINNERS: Jackie, ODB and Velvet Sky. If you loved sloppy forearm shots and blown spots, man, was this match for you! After the match, the non-Spanish Spanish broads lay into Angelina Love. She just pushes them off. So exciting.

MATCH 2: Kid Kash vs. Jesse Sorensen
Sorensen comes out with a football and a letterman’s jacket. This isn’t a generic gimmick at all. Kash cuts Sorensen off as he climbs into the ring. Kid with some chops, but Sorensen comes back with some shots. Kash with a few more and he gets Sorensen into the ropes with some crossface shots. Kash talks some trash before picking Sorensen back up. He catches a knee and a backbreaker before hitting a release rotating suplex for 2. Kash looks for the Money Maker, but Sorensen reverses out. He catches a back body drop, a clothesline, a running knee and a nice dropkick for 2. Sorensen gets cut off with a chop. Kash goes for a side-Russian leg sweep and hits the McGillicutter for 2. Sorensen climbs up top and catches a cross body for another 2. Kash reverses a corner whip, but Sorensen rolls out and catches a roll-up. Kash keeps rolling into a pin of his own, and gets it as he holds the tights.

WINNER: Kid Kash. Meh. Kash didn’t look all that great, and there wasn’t much here to speak of. Sorensen looked alright, but I’ve seen him look better. Christy Hemme interviews Kash, who talks a bunch of trash to Sorensen, then yells at a fan. Sorensen gets in Kash’s face and they trade words. Kash pie-faces him. Leading to the indy security guards to break it up. Wait, was that a fight?

Later tonight, Blubber Ray, Johnny Bravo and “Machine Gun” Joe Viterbo will take on Beer Money and A.J. Styles in a 6-Man Falls-Count-Anywhere Match in the BFG series. God, I hate matches like this. What happens if two guys from opposite teams are get the pin at the same time? How do you determine the winner?

The Pope will also take on RVD in a BFG match tonight. I hate this match less.

We get highlights from some house shows in Georgia that featured BFG matches. Gunner picked up 7 points over Pope, and Roode got 7 over RVD. This clip is brought to you with “music” by Staind. We see the scoreboard for the series, and apparently, Devon is out with an injury now, too.

MATCH 3-BFG Series Match: D’Angelo Dinero vs. Rob Van Dam
They shake hands before tying up. RVD gets a waistlock that he turns into a side headlock. Pope picks RVD up for a back suplex and connects, but RVD holds onto the headlock. After they exchange some moves, RVD gets two of a leg scissors takedown. Pope gets his knees up on a standing moonsault, but RVD still hits a bodyslam. RVD goes for Rolling Thunder, but Pope gets his knees up again. An uppercut gets 2. Pope gets another 2 off an STO. Anyone else wonder why Pope wears very tiny kneepads on his knees, but heavy duty kneepads on his shins? Anyway, RVD reverses an Irish whip into a drop toehold, into an inverted STF. Pope gets to the ropes to break it up. Apparently, according to Mike Tenay, anyway, Samoa Joe injured Devon’s knee last week, leading to him being out of the series. RVD gets a monkey flip out of the corner. Both men back up and RVD gets in an abdominal stretch. That only works if you’re Antonio Inoki. Pope hip tosses out of it and hits a sweet-looking sweeping DDT for 2. Pope to the middle rope, and he connects with a fist drop. That one only works if you’re Jerry Lawler. Pope’s limping now. RVD pops up with a spin kick. RVD goes for a surfboard stretch, and lowers him down for a 2-count. RVD puts him back up in the stretch, and Pope gives up. Wait, what?

WINNER: Rob Van Dam, who gets 10 points for the submission. When have you ever seen a wrestler submit to that move before? Go ahead and try to think of a time when you saw it. I dare you. Van Dam is now tied with Gunner for 4th place at 45 points.

Back in the ring, Samoa Joe has come from nowhere and hits Pope with a Muscle Buster. Joe puts Pope in a leg grapevine. Devon’s kids are going nuts. Devon walks down to ringside, and has a knee brace on. His kids are begging him to go do something. He tells them to shut up and give him a chair. He takes the chair into the ring, chasing Joe off. I’m going to take a wild guess here and say that they’ll announce Pope as being injured next week, too.

Backstage, Robbie E walks up to Rob Terry. He says he’s there to save Rob Terry, and calls them “P.I.C.s”, or “partners in crimes”. He offers Terry the chance to be his personal bodyguard after insulting him. Terry says he’ll think about it. Robbie E fist-pumps the air as several of my brain cells suffocate themselves and die.

In another backstage area, Scott Steiner is screaming at Gunner and Blubber. Steiner is screaming nonsensically. Not to be outdone, Ray screams nonsensically. Steiner says, “Keep AJ in the ring, get those other subabitches outta there, and we’ll we’re goa beat up AJ.” Gunner asks what Steiner’s problem is.

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In ANOTHER backstage area, Rosita and Sarita are screaming nonsensically at Angelina Love. Then they beat her up. Winter comes in and beats them up. Lots of screaming here. Winter rips the Venetian blind off the window and strangles Rosita with the cord. Anarquia and Hernandez come in to chase Winter and Love off.

We see Hogan and Flair walking towards the ring.

Another shot of those random feet. Totally not Jeff Hardy. Totally.

Back in Bischoff’s office, Traci Brooks walks in. She asks if he’s thought about what they talked about last week. He says he has and the more he thinks about it, the more he likes it. He says he’ll make the “big” decision next week in Huntsville, Alabama as he stares at her chest. He asks if they can meet somewhere after the show and get “COCKtails” (how he pronounced it). She says she has a better idea, and that they’ll have three cocktails instead.

Hogan and Flair make their way to the ring to the totally-original-and-not-an-nWo-knockoff theme song. Flair tries playing air guitar. Did you know there’s a world championship for air guitar playing? Look it up. Hogan grabs a microphone and says that the “main problem we have right now is that we’ve got a problem.” Makes perfect sense. He then calls Sting out to face the music, brother.

Sting makes his way down to the ring, making stupid Joker-esque faces. Hogan says Sting’s way too out there over the edge, and is way too much. He says things have gone too far, and that they need to end tonight. Hogan says Sting needs to look in the mirror as he is a complete wreck. If that’s not the leathery, saggy pot calling the kettle black. He says Sting’s fries are missing from his Happy Meal. No, I didn’t make that up. Apparently, Sting’s geese are flying all over the place, too. Hogan says Sting’s out of his mind, and asks if he wants the little Stingers to look up to him the same way the Hulkamaniacs look up to him. Hogan says he can’t have all the craziness going on because this is a family show. No, really. That’s what he called it. Sting laughs. Hogan says he doesn’t get it. Hogan says he’s partially to blame, and that he and Bischoff had made some mistakes. He says they’ve learned from their mistakes, and that from now on, he and Eric are going to run TNA with the most impeccable precision he’s ever seen. He says TNA will become the standard bearer on what a wrestling promotion should be. L. Ron Hubbard help us all. Hogan extends his hand for a handshake. Sting says he’ll accept on one condition. Hogan says he’ll do anything to make that happen. Sting says milk and cookies for all, balloons, colorful rainbows, unicorns and puppy dogs. He also says flowers in an effeminate voice. Sting is trying to be really funny here, but is failing miserably. Sting then hugs Hogan and kisses him.

Flair throws his jacket off menacingly, grabs the mic out of Hogan’s hand, calls sting a stupid sonofabitch and says this isn’t a game. Flair pushes Hogan off and tells him to leave him alone. He says he can give Sting crazy and does a phantom elbow drop. He says he was crazy when Sting was still sucking his mother’s t*t. That would mean that Flair started wrestling when he was around 15 or 16 years old, which wasn’t even legal back then. Flair says he’s so crazy he’s going to kick Sting’s ass so bad. Sting laughs at him. Flair tells him to laugh. Flair says he’s much crazier and has the edge because when it comes time to kill, Sting respects Flair to much to hurt him. Flair then says at that point, he’ll kicks Sting f***ing ass. So much for the family show part. Sting goes crazypants and screams in Flair’s face and says if he has to go through Flair to get to Hogan, he’ll go through Flair. Sting says he’ll start with Flair at Bound For Glory before taking off his duster and throwing it to the ring as he walks to the back. I just noticed Sting’s new t-shirt. It has a picture of his face on it, with the word “Nervous?” written at the top. Could they rip off “The Dark Knight” anymore blatantly? If anyone from TNA “creative” is reading this, that’s not a challenge, BTW.

A.J. Styles is walking down to the ring. He doesn’t have his ring jacket or pants on, which means this isn’t a match. Styles gets a microphone and addresses Christopher Daniels. He says he has an answer for Daniels, so Daniels needs to come down. Not sure what the question even was.

According to Tenay, Daniels has been begging for another match with Styles. Guess that was the question. Styles says he’s not mad at Daniels, but when he commentated last week, Styles understood but didn’t know why it had to be announced to the world. Probably to attempt to drum up interest in the match. Probably. Styles asks why Daniels needs the rematch, and why he wants or needs it so badly. Daniels says that, at the end of the night at Destination X, he still lost and had to ask himself if he had what it takes to still be in TNA the next day. He said he asked himself if it was time to walk away, and if he deserved to be in TNA anymore. Daniels came back to TNA and joined Fourtune for A.J. Daniels says he asked for the rematch not because he wanted it, but because he needs to know if it’s time to walk away from wrestling. Daniels begins some fake crying in the middle of this.

Styles gets the mic back and tells Daniels one more time. Daniels hugs him. Daniels says he’ll see Styles at No Surrender. Styles says he’ll be in the finals of the BFG series at No Surrender, so he says let’s do it next week instead. Way to throw away a match people might actually pay to see.

Beer Money Inc. comes out, so I guess it’s now time for the match.

MATCH 4-BFG Series 6-Man Falls-Count-Anywhere Match: Beer Money Inc. (Bobby Roode and James Storm) and A.J. Styles vs. Bully Ray, Gunner and Scott Steiner
No chain mail and sunglasses for Steiner. Styles and Beer Money catch Immortal on the apron. Everyone’s brawling. James Storm takes a second to drink beer. Steiner spits beer in Roode’s face. More brawling. There are three referees in this match. Abyss is watching the match from the stage. Gunner and Styles are in the ring. Gunner with some axe handles and a punch. Styles kicks him away and hits a dropkick for 2. Steiner comes in with an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Steiner with some chops on Styles. Styles kicks out of a corner whipe, and Steiner gets clotheslined by Roode. Roode with a forearm shot. He follows up with a blockbuster for 2. Blubber hits Roode with a boot. Ray gets kicked in the face by Storm on a corner charge, who hits a cross body from the top for 2. Beer Money hit a double suplex. Apparently, the stupid rule where only the guy who gets the pin gets any points is in place here. Styles hits a flip dive onto Ray from the ring to the floor. Styles is selling a knee injury now. Could be legitimate. Gunner throws Storm into part of the stage for 2. More brawling. Now we get split-screen. God, what a mess. Roode whips Steiner into a wall for 2. More split-screen. Ringside, Ray and Styles are brawling. Backstage, Gunner drops some lockers on Storm while Steiner hits Roode with a trash can elsewhere. Back in the ring, Styles hits a Superman for 2.They trade some blows. Gunner’s back in the ring now, as is Steiner. Styles tries to take them all on before Ray hits a Bully Bomb to earn the 3-count.

WINNERS: Bully Ray, Gunner and Scott Steiner. Ray gets 7 more points in this total mess.

Steiner begins getting a table out as we see Anderson driving a Hummer to ringside. He’s wearing all black, complete with cargo pants and combat boots. I guess this was who was walking around backstage, and not Jeff Hardy. At least, not this time. Anderson pushes Steiner off the apron through the table. Anderson pulls out a chain wallet and begins hitting Gunner with it. Gunner’s bleeding all over the place. Definitely a family show, Hogan. Anderson picks up Gunner and Steiner, holds their heads for Blubber to see as he makes stupid faces.

Mickie James is yelling about how mad she is about losing to Winter. Get this broad some cue cards, please. She says she’s coming after Winter next week, and that she’s going to hurt Winter and take back the Knockouts Championship.

More Eric Young “fun”. He’s still looking for Scott Baio. Who did Scott Baio piss off to get blackmailed into doing this? Young drives up to a golf course. He’s taking only the oh-so-valuable TV title with him, leaving the old world title behind. He spots Baio hitting some drives. Scott Baio sees him. Eric Young takes his shirt off, leading to a stupid chase that would cause Benny Hill to roll over in his grave. Young jumps on Baio from a tree and counts a pin for himself. We still get the “See More at ImpactWrestling.com” message on the screen. There’s MORE of this? NOOOOO!

MATCH 5-Crimson vs. World Champion Kurt Angle (non-title)
Angle appears to be weighing in at around 95 pounds. He seriously looks ill. Guess someone told Crimson it was pointless to have that name if you’re going to be blonde and wear white gear, as he’s got red gear on and a bad red dye job tonight. They start with a tie-up, but Crimson throws Angle off. They do the same spot a second time. Stupide dueling chants from the crowd, only they can’t seem to figure out what to cheer. Angle goes for a waist lock, but Crimson elbows out. Crimson throws Angle into the corner and gets in some corner shots. Back elbow off an Irish whip. Crimson locks Angle in a cravat, hits a couple of knees and lands a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Taz is still trying to convince us Angle will be in the next Olympics. Outside the ring, Crimson slams Angle into the apron before throwing him back in. Angle reverses a corner whip and hits a chop block on Crimson’s bad leg. Commercial.

Back from the break with Angle hitting a suplex for 2. Angle locks in a modified abdominal stretch. He turns this into a side headlock. Crimson tries to throw him off into an Irish whip, but Angle hangs onto the move. They do the spot again, with the same results. Crimson is successful on the third try, and connects with a jumping shoulder block, knocking them both down. Angle goes for a clothesline, but runs right into a t-bone suplex from Crimson for 2. Crimson goes for a swinging side slam, but Angle reverses into a German suplex. Crimson no-sells this and hits a really sloppy spear for 2. Angle returns the no-sell and kicks Crimson’s knee a couple of times before cinching in the ankle lock. Crimson turns it over and kicks Angle away. Angle gets back up and goes for the Angle Slam, but Crimson rolls out and hits the Red Sky for 2. Samoa Joe immediately runs in and attacks Crimson, leading to the disqualification.

WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Crimson. Well, he’s still undefeated. Big surprise.

Joe makes an angry face at the camera before staring at Kurt Angle. Angle backs off and basically tells Joe to keep doing his thing. After a couple stomps, Joe picks Crimson up on his shoulder, but Crimson fights out of it, causing Joe to run away. Was there a point to this segment?

Mike Tenay and Taz continue to talk and hype next week, which means you know something else will be happening before this show ends.

Backstage, Crimson is yelling about Samoa Joe, challenging him to a match next week. Joe runs in and slams Crimson into the wall of a trailer. He puts Crimson’s leg on the stairs to the trailer and breaks a board over it. Joe then kicks the camera man.

End of show.

As for the show, it was great…if you love lots of talking and the botching of the most basic of moves.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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Kurt Angle vs. Sting ended about the same way most TNA pay per view main-events do. In somewhat of a screwy finish that left more questions than answers, Kurt Angle pinned Sting to win the TNA world championship at Hardcore Justice 2011 with a little help from Hulk Hogan.

Where do I begin? Well, let me say this before I go off on a bit of a tangent here. I am certainly not a TNA Wrestling fan. It is just not my cup of tea, but more power to those that enjoy it. Yet, I don’t hate them. So please don’t take my opinion as that of a “TNA hater.” It just isn’t my thing and well, this main-event reinforced it for me.

Angle and Sting wrestled in the main-event this Sunday night. The match went about 20 minutes. It wasn’t bad, but the crowd at the Impact Zone just weren’t into the bout, making it seem a lot worse than it probably was. Sting and Angle at one point traded finishing moves and the crowd didn’t pop at all for a potential finish. They just sat there waiting as if they knew the match would end with some kind of run-in or screw job and guess what? They were correct!

Angle knocked out referee Brian Hebner with an Eziguri, a kick to the head. At that point the Impact Zone fans got up on their feet as if they were all on cue. Hulk Hogan hobbled out to the ring with a steel chair. Sting, Angle, and the referee were down when Hogan measured up Sting. Angle got up first and grabbed the chair out of Hogan’s hands. Hogan retreated, Sting turned around, and Angle clocked him. An Angle Slam later and Kurt was the new TNA world champion. Was he in cahoots with Immortal or did he just seize an opportunity? I think we all know where this one is going.

How many times have we seen identically booked swerves like this in TNA Wrestling? How many times has Kurt Angle turned heel? How many times has a babyface argued with Immortal only to join them a few weeks later? How many times has a main-event ended with a screw finish? You get the idea. Hogan, Eric Bischoff, Vince Russo, and anyone else responsible for booking this finish are working Dixie Carter like a mark at an old school carnival. It is as if these ideas are on a 30-day cycle and they go back to square one at the end of the 30 days and start again. It’s beyond ridiculous!

The thing that may bug me worse than almost anything in TNA is that they end almost all of their pay per views on a cliff hanger. Instead of the logical idea of using your television to build up pay per views so people will pay to see the pay off, they book their pay per views to leave fans hanging with hopes that they will tune into Impact. Hey, it’s their product and they can do what they want, but maybe that is why most of their shows are averaging 8-10,000 buys? The whole philosophy makes zero sense to me and is unfair to the fans who got suckered into paying to see this show.

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As for Kurt Angle, I am a fan, a big fan. I still love watching him talk and wrestle, although tonight was certainly not one of his best matches. Kurt will now enjoy his fifth reign as TNA world champion, the most of any wrestler in TNA history. I honestly don’t have a big problem with it, but once again TNA falls back on the past instead of elevating new stars. Again, I like Angle so I am a little torn on this one. He is certainly a much better choice than Sting but at some point TNA has to freshen up the top.

So get ready for more of the same over the next few months TNA fans, because we are gearing up for the big Sting vs. Hulk Hogan match at Bound for Glory. I don’t get it. Hogan and Bischoff have been at it with Dixie Carter in this storyline for months. The ratings and the buyrates have fallen, yet they continue to shove this thing down their poor fan’s throats with very little end in sight.

You’d think with the kind of excitment the WWE is generating these days with their main storylines, that TNA would feel the pressure a little bit and step up their game. Nope and why should they when the guys booking this stuff have more job security than Peyton Manning.

Full TNA Wrestling Hardcore Justice 2011 results…
Brian Kendrick defeated Alex Shelley and Austin Aries in a three way match for the TNA X Division Championship
Ms. Tessmacher and Tara defeated Mexican America (Rosita and Sarita) (with Anarquia and Hernandez) in a TNA Knockout Tag Team Championship match
D’Angelo Dinero defeated Devon in the Bound for Glory Series
Winter (with Angelina Love) defeated Mickie James for the TNA Women’s Knockout Championship
Crimson defeated Rob Van Dam (with Jerry Lynn) by disqualification in the Bound for Glory Series
Fortune (A.J. Styles, Christopher Daniels, and Kazarian) defeated Immortal (Abyss, Gunner, and Scott Steiner)
Bully Ray defeated Mr. Anderson
Beer Money, Inc. (Bobby Roode and James Storm) defeated Mexican America (Anarquia and Hernandez) in a TNA World Tag Team Championship match
Kurt Angle defeated Sting for the TNA championship

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Once again, I’m back for your enjoyment and the Impact recap for 8-4-11. We start the show with a recap from last week for everyone who didn’t watch (i.e., practically everyone). This leads to Hogan’s Orange Goblins in the ring “live” with Blubber Ray on the microphone introducing the members of the group in case you’ve forgotten. It’s okay if you did. It’s easy to do. Did I mention the hideous plate that Jeff Jarrett has glued to the AAA Mega Championship, ruining the belt and spitting on an entire country?

Bully Ray talks about the feud between Immortal and Fourtune. He continues to ramble until Mr. Anderson cuts him off. Anderson says that, despite Ray saying there isn’t enough room for the two groups, he thinks there isn’t enough room in the ring for Anderson and Ray. He reminds us of Ray volunteering him for the match last week and then screwing him. Anderson says he hopes it was worth it, and he’s going to get Ray back. Ray reminds Anderson he lost the world title after being in Immortal for a week, then calls Anderson weak. Ray talks about all of his tag team title reign, and that he’s in charge when Hogan and Bischoff aren’t around. Genius move by those two. He says he’s going to become world champion and Anderson is a piece of dog crap on Ray’s shoe. Why is Ray walking around in dog crap? Anyway, Anderson challenges Ray to a match at Hardcore Justice. BTW, not only has Anderson ruined the word “a**hole”, but if there was any value to the word “frickin’”, it’s gone now, too. Anderson begins singing to Ray, and they come to blows.

Fortune comes out now. Kazarian calls Ray “Bully Ray Cyrus”. As funny as it doesn’t sound. Fourtune charges the ring, leading to a brawl between the groups. Fourtune of course dominates, and Storm is now selling a random back injury. Not sure how that happened, but it’s TNA Wrestling.

We learn there will BFG matches tonight, as well as Hernandez and James Storm in a street fight.

Cut to the back as Miss Tessmacher is doing some half-assed stretches. Since WRESTLING MATTERS, I think it’s fantastic we’re getting a look at one of the knockouts with the least amount of in-ring ability. Excellent stuff here. What kind of gimmick name is “Tessmacher” anyway?

Knockouts champion Mickie James is out for commentary. This should be stunning.

MATCH 1-Madison Rayne vs. Knockouts Tag Team Co-Champion Miss Tessmacher (w/Tara)
Hey, it’s my number one fan, Madison Rayne! Huzzah! James just did some horrible off-key singing on commentary. Miss Tessmacher is coming out with Tara. Anyone else notice Tessmacher’s entrance is copied move for move from Candice Michelle? Tara gets rejected from ringside by Earl Hebner. Tessy starts off with forearms and a boot to the stomach and a stinkface. Mickie James says “a$stastic”. I hate her now. Rayne back on offense with some shots and a couple of hair mares. Tenay calls that one of her special moves, despite the fact that nearly every female wrestler does that. She does her crotch thrust move on Tessy’s head, then screams at Mickie James. You know, Maddy (she likes me to call her that), I love you and all and I know we’re soul mates, but Daffney just called and wants her screaming gimmick back. Perhaps you can have Ditsy Carter include it in the settlement when Daffney sues her blind? Anyway, after the screaming bit, Tessy rolls Madison up, and gets the 3.

WINNER: Miss Tessmacher. Rayne continues to attack Tessy after the match, leading Mickie James to come down to the ring. This brings out either Angelina Love or a mop with jailhouse tattoos, I can’t tell which. They trade a few shots before Winter attacks Mickie James from behind. Love holds James up so Winter can hit her in the head with the knockouts title.

On the recent tour of Texas, D’Angelo Dinero, Bully Ray and Bobby Roode picked up more BFG series points, as did A.J. Styles and James Storm. Crimson is still in the lead with 40, while James Storm has shot up to 2nd place with 33.

MATCH 2-BFG Series Match: Devon vs. A.J. Styles
Styles starts with a waistlock and gets Devon into the corner for a break. Devon breaks out of an arm wringer. Another waistlock into a headlock by Styles. Devon breaks out and turns it into a hip toss. Styles with a dropkick for 2. Dinero sits down next to Devon’s kids at ringside. Styles gets a kick, but Devon counters with a spinning back elbow for 2. He sees Dinero and gets distracted, allowing Styles to lock in a rolling jujigatame (think Alberto Del Rio‘s finisher). Devon rolls out of the ring to break it up. Styles gets a sunset flip for 2 and tries to turn it into a Styles Clash. After they trade some shots, Devon tries for Saving Grace, but Styles counters into the Pele for 2. Christopher Daniels is now sitting on the ramp, and Styles is asking him what he’s doing. He goes for the flying forearm, but Devon sees it coming. Devon with a roll-up and gets 3.

WINNER: Devon, who gains 7 points. Not only did the wrong man go over here, but that finish was pretty weak. The two congratulate each other, then proceed to go out and yell at Dinero and Daniels. How long was that match, anyway? 2 ½ minutes? Anyway, Daniels and Styles are yelling at each other as we go to commercial with Daniels complaining about how Styles won’t talk to him.

The new “Conan” movie looks about as good as “In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale”. Just saying.

Yeah, I want to invite my friends and family to play the Impact Wrestling fantasy game. They just read my mind. That doesn’t sound sad at all. No, sir.

We get a video package for the history between Sting and Kurt Angle. I’m not recapping a recap, except that I find it funny that one of the highlights of this video is Angle nearly killing Sting with a botched 450 splash that he had no business attempting in the first place. Angle says Sting is better now than he was in 1995. Wonder if I can buy some of his high-powered hallucinogens off of him?

Backstage, D’Angelo Dinero is talking about the BFG series, then talks about the trust issues between him and Devon. Apparently, they’re wrestling at Hardcore Justice. Dinero will be defeating Samoa Joe after the commercial break.

Back from the break, and Matt Morgan is on commentary for the next match, with his arm in a sling.

MATCH 3-BFG Series Match: Samoa Joe vs. D’Angelo Dinero
I swear Joe put on 20 pounds since last week. Pope gets a punch in. Joe misses a corner charge and walks into a hip toss, a dropkick and an arm drag from Pope. Pope with an arm wringer now, and Joe throws him into the corner. He misses another charge as Pope rolls outside. Back in the ring. Pope with an inverted atomic drop and a shoulder block. Some elbows by the Pope and a double axe handle. Does a single axe handle exist? Devon begins coming down to the ring. Pope tries a whip, but Joe reverses into a powerslam attempt. Dinero slides out and tries for a roll-up, which Joe immediately turns into a Kokina Clutch. Pope taps out.

WINNER: Samoa Joe. Joe is now on the board…until referee Eric Bischoff Jr. reverses the decision after Joe refuses to let go of the hold. NEW WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: D’Angelo Dinero. Dinero gets the points now.

Backstage (man, that was fast), Joe is screaming semi-nonsensically. Joe talks about everyone in the offices wanting to kill him. I don’t think I’d want to work for people who just want to kill me. He says that they will be held responsible for his actions now.

In another area backstage, James Storm is complaining that he has tweaked his back, and doesn’t think he can do the match with Hernandez tonight. Bobby Roode offers to take his place, and Storm says okay.

In yet another backstage area, Blubber is on the phone with Hogan (apparently), complaining about how Anderson shouldn’t be a member of the H.O.G.s. Hogan is also apparently telling him he needs to apologize to Anderson.

MATCH 4-Street Fight: Hernandez (w/non-Mexicans) vs. Tag Team Co-Champion Bobby Roode (w/James Storm)
Man, Sarita’s looking disgusting with that gut. Hernandez throws Roode in the corner, but Roode reverses with some shots and a clothesline. This is a street fight, so why is Hernandez wearing his normal gear? Guess he doesn’t know the rule that you’re supposed to do street fights in your regular clothes. Fortunately, Roode does, as he’s in jeans. Roode with a plancha to the outside, followed by some chair shots. He throws a bunch of random weapons into the ring. Hernandez fights back, but not for long. Roode tries for a whip, but Hernandez reverses and whips Roode into the post. He goes for a pin on the outside and gets 2. Apparently, this is also Falls-Count-Anywhere. Glad we were informed. Hernandez gets a slingshot shoulder block. Hernandez takes off his belt, whips Roode and then chokes him a bit. Roode fights out with some punches. He tries for an Irish whip but Hernandez reverses into a standing avalanche. Hernandez gets 2 off a couple of trashcan lid shots. He throws Roode into the aluminum steel steps. Back in the ring and Roode gets in some trashcan lid shots to the head. He goes for a charge in the corner, but Hernandez gets the boot up. He backflips up onto the top rope, but gets another lid shot. Roode gets a superplex. Roode gets in a few shots with a kendo stick. He tries for a corner whip, but Hernandez reverses. Roode gets a boot in off the charge, and a second rope blockbuster for 2. Hernandez gets some shots in and a standing shoulder block. He signals for the Border Toss to the outside, but Roode reverses into the spinebuster. He goes for the fujiwara, but Rosita distracts the ref. Hernandez is bleeding. Storm and Anarquia go at it, causing Sarita to run in. She tries a kendo stick shot on Roode, which has no effect. Hernandez uses the distraction to get a roll-up in with his feet on the ropes for 3.

WINNER: Hernandez. Match #2 of the night that ends in a roll-up. This match was a mess.

Backstage, Bully Ray confronts Mr. Anderson and says he’s going to do the right thing and apologize for everything. Anderson’s not buying it, so Blubber keeps apologizing. Anderson shakes his hand, which leads to Ray kneeing him in the stomach. Didn’t see that coming a mile away.

We see Kurt Angle talking to guys in the production truck for some reason.

MATCH 5: Austin Aries vs. Alex Shelley
Love Aries’ pink sleeveless fuzzy vest. It’s awesome. Aries attacks Shelley in the corner before the bell, followed by a chop to the chest and a foot to the back of the neck over the ropes. Guillotine double axe handle by Aries, but he Shelley blocks the slingshot tope con hijo, they trade some shots before Shelley gets in a series of pin attempts. Aries misses an enziguri, and Shelley gets a la magistral for 2. Shelley with corner shops, but Aries flips out of a corner whip. Shelley with a reverse STO into the turnbuckle for 2. Aries with a mule kick, but Shelley gets a dragon screw in. He locks in a spinning inverted figure-4 style move (Charly Manson’s finisher), but Aries gets to the ropes. Shelley goes for it again, but Aries kicks him off and gets a hangman’s neckbreaker on Shelley in the ropes, sending him outside. Aries dives onto Shelley from the top and back in for 2. Aries goes for a superplex, but Shelley pushes him off and gets a thrust kick off the top, followed by a suicide dive onto the floor. Back in, Shelley goes for a top rope double-stomp, but Aries gets out. He goes for Sliced Bread #2, but Shelley reverses out into a roll-up for 2. Aries throws Shelley outside and then puts on Shelley’s ring jacket. The ref takes it away from him, but turns into a kick to the gut. He goes for Sliced Bread #2, but Aries throws him off and crotches him on the middle rope. While the ref’s back is turned, Aries kicks the middle rope, essentially a low blow. Aries locks on the brainbuster, and gets the 3.

WINNER: Austin Aries. After the match, Aries berates Shelley and continues to attack him. Brian Kendrick runs down to the ring to chase him off. Honestly, this was a good match, and a bit hard to keep track of for the recap as a result. Lots of counters and nearfalls. BTW-during the match, Mike Tenay announced that several new X-Division wrestlers would be debuting next week. I will be curious to see who they go with.

Eric Young is driving around, talking about his meeting last week, and that he’s on his way to a meeting with an acting coach named Nikki Costello. They try some lines and trade some less-than-witty banter. She asks if he’d like to be a television show host instead of an actor. Eric does all of the lines completely deadpan, and the acting coach says he’s a total waste of her time. Mine, too. Oh, and apparently, there’s a segment coming soon with Eric and Scott “Bob Lawblaw” Baio. Okay, that might actually be worth watching.

In the production truck, Angle and Bloated Ken Doll are making us watch the empty arena match from 2 years ago. I didn’t like this the first time, so I’m not recapping it the second time. Sorry. I’m sure you can look it up online if you really feel like watching it.

MATCH 6-BFG Series Match: Gunner and Scott Steiner vs. Crimson and Rob Van Dam
This is one of those stupid matches where only the guy who gets the pinfall gets any points. Hey, did you know Crimson is undefeated? Fortunately, Christy Hemme is there to remind us. Good for her. Crimson has on the very bright shade of red known as white. RVD and “Big Poppa Pump” Johnny Bravo will start off. Steiner throws RVD into the corner, but RVD counters with a leg scissors pin for 2. Steiner comes back with a clothesline and some chops and punches in the corner. Steiner tries a corner charge, but RVD jumps out of it and gets a kick. He goes to celebrate, but Steiner gets in a full-nelson slam and then spits in Crimson’s face. “Machine Gun” Joe Viterbo tags in, and after a few shots, RVD gets in a few. Gunner gets out of an arm wringer and gets some shots in in the corner. RVD gets in a kick and tags in Crimson, who hits a bodyslam and a t-bone suplex for 2. Crimson gets a knee to the back from Steiner off an Irish whip, followed by a running knee from Top Gun. Gunner with the very intense headlock now before tagging in Steiner again. Steiner with some chops in the corner and the spinning belly-to-belly for 2. Steiner gets a clothesline off an Irish whip, followed by his stupid posing elbow and push-up combo. Steiner tags Shooter McGavin back in, who gets a back suplex for 2. He goes for a second rope double axe handle, but Crimson counters it into a needlessly overcomplicated version of the reverse STO. He tags in RVD, who gets in a spin kick on Steiner, who had also tagged in. Steiner counters with an overhead belly-to-belly. He eats a leaping thrust kick from RVD, followed by Rolling Thunder for 2 before Gunner breaks it up. Crimson goes after Gunner in the ring while RVD and Steiner brawl on the outside. Crimson spears Gunner, followed by a Five-Star Frog Splash for 2. Steiner gets RVD with the reverse STO for 2. Steiner puts RVD up top, but Crimson electric chairs him. Another Five-Star on Steiner, and this one’s over.

WINNERS: Crimson and Rob Van Dam. RVD gets 7 points, and now takes 2nd place at 35 points. Christy Hemme now interviews the winners, and announces that Crimson and RVD will fight at Hardcore Justice. Crimson congratulates RVD, but says he’s winning at the PPV. It was just a thrilling interview.

We see Kurt Angle and Sting walking to the ring for an intense, exciting, action-packed…contract signing. Dear god. This is the third contract signing I’ve had to recap in just a few weeks.

And your main-event contract signing is underway. Borash is such a tool. His suit matches the company logo. Sting traded in his Versace suit for a Wal-Mart special this week. And now we see that the contract has the words “WORLD TITLE MATCH” in big letters on the front page, in case we’re all stupid. Angle says Sting is one of the few men he respects. He gives Sting a bunch of praise before saying he’s coming after Sting at the PPV, and that he’s walking out of the show with the world title. Now it’s Stinger Romero’s turn. I could be wrong, but it looks like that brand new belt is already falling apart. Sting thanks Angle for his words, and that now he feels like he’s accomplished something after 25 years. Sting then reciprocates the verbal stroking to Angle. He says no one else can do things like moonsaults off cages (except of course, you know, every other wrestler that’s ever done that move). Sting says the belt is his lifeblood, and that the company still belongs to Dixie Carter, not Hogan or Bischoff. Didn’t Dixie Carter die? Oh, that was the far more successful television star with the same name. Sting says Kurt will damn near have to kill him to get the belt.

End of show.

Aside from the X-Division match (which was quite good), this show really sucked. The knockouts match and the Styles/Devon match cumulatively lasted around 5 minutes, and the street fight was pointless hardcore that wasn’t even all that hard. TNA Bound For Glory can’t get here soon enough, as I’m getting sick of these points matches. And the final segment? Pointless verbal massaging from Sting and Kurt Angle.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

Full TNA Impact Wrestling August 4 Results
Rob Van Dam and Crimson defeated Gunner and Scott Steiner in a Bound for Glory Series Match
Austin Aries defeated Alex Shelley
Hernandez defeated Bobby Roode in a Street Fight Match
D’Angelo Dinero defeated Samoa Joe in a Bound for Glory Series Match via DQ
Devon defeated AJ Styles in a Bound for Glory Series Match
Miss Tessmacher defeated Madison Rayne

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WWE Money in the Bank 2011 DVD

Randy Orton: The Evolution of a Predator DVD

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Welcome to the 7-28 edition of the TNA Impact Wrestling recap. My last column created quite a stir. As some of you may know, my comments about Madison Rayne and her retaliation were picked up by several respected wrestling websites and writers.

Needless to say, the writers and sites all seemed to universally be behind me in what I call “RayneStorm 2011″ (Like I said on Twitter, “MadTV” fans will understand the reference). One comment in particular seemed to strike a cord with Madison Rayne‘s fans (all ten of them), and that was me calling her an atrocious human being two weeks ago. Now, that comment was more sarcastic than anything else. I realize she’s playing a character on TV and there’s probably some differences between her character and who she is in real life (although I’d still be willing to bet she’s not very pleasant; she did call me a d*ckhead and accused me of being jobless, after all). So, having said that, let me clarify what I said two weeks ago and say that she is not an atrocious human being (that I know of, anyway), but rather an atrocious TV personality and wrestler.

There. Everyone good now? Fantastic, then. Oh, and in regards to making fun of her all the time, out of respect for Camel Clutch Blog, I will dial it back just a tad and be more selective with the shots I fire out. I just hope she does the same and gives me a lack of ammunition.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, on with the show.

We start off with Kirk Angel (your check’s in the mail, Jericho) walking to the ring as Mike Tenay plays “Captain Obvious”. Angle calls out Mr. Linda Hogan, who is looking more scrawny and saggy than ever (scrawny compared to days gone by, anyway). Oh, and he’s very obviously limping. Apparently, Hogan’s been blowing up Angle’s phone for three days with some kind of offer. Angle says Immortal doesn’t impress him, and that it’s full of a$% kissers and scumbags. Angle continues to swear he’s never beaten Sting despite doing it at least twice, and says he’ll win the world title at Hardcore Justice. He asks Hogan if he knows what it’s like to be the best in the world. Hulk Hogan blatantly lies and says “yes”. Hogan talks about carrying wrestling on his barn door back. That’s all well and good, but that was nearly 30 years ago. What’s Hogan done for the business lately? Hogan continues to live in the past and talks about selling out arenas in 1984 when “Angle was still pooping in his diapers”. Angle was around 9 or 10 then, so if he was pooping in diapers, he had a serious problem. Hogan is still rambling about whatever, and gives Angle crap about not accepting Immortal‘s offer. Angle says he does respect Hogan, which is why he’s not kicking Hogan’s a$$ at the moment. That, and because Hogan’s crippled.

Angle then begins to talk about Hulkamania back in the day as well, as if Hogan needed further verbal stroking. Hogan tells Angle he’s never wrestling again, and then lists off all the surgeries he’s had. Hogan says if Angle wants to bring up Hogan’s wife and kids (which he apparently did), he’s asking for trouble. He accuses Angle of being handed the gold medals at the 1996 Olympics because of his broken freaking neck (which, BTW, never happened; Angle’s neck was fractured, never broken. If it had been broken, he’d be dead. Look it up). Hogan asks Angle what he’s trying to say, and Angle says if Hogan wants Sting taken out, why doesn’t he do it himself. He challenges Hogan to take on Sting himself. Holy L. Ron Hubbard, this can’t be happening. I don’t want to know what fans wants another Hogan/Sting match 20 years too late.

Backstage, some random tramp hands Eric Bischoff a paper from “The Network”. Since when did Cyrus the Virus start working for TNA?

We see another commercial for the Impact Wrestling fantasy game, which is supposedly one-of-a-kind. Except for, you know, all of the other fantasy wrestling games out there.

MATCH 1-BFG Series match: Gunner vs. Rob Van Dam
Doo doo doo dee doo doo. ROB VAN DAM! Doo doo doo dee doo doo. If you ever wanted to know the lyrics to RVD’s theme, there you go. Anyway, these two are two of the top guys in the BFG series. Gunner starts off with a tackle into the corner and some punches. RVD counters and gets a body scissors into a pin for 2. Gunner telegraphs a back body drop and gets kicked. RVD gets a spin kick, but gets caught a second time and powerslammed into the corner for 2. Another 2 off a back elbow. RVD gets a reverse cross body off the middle for 2, but Gunner gets 2 of his own off a clothesline. Apparently, Gunner’s now a former marine, according to Taz. Okay. RVD gets a top rope thrust kick for 2, but misses the slingshot legdrop to the outside. Back in, and RVD gets hot shotted off a springboard.

Gunner throws him back in for another 2. Gunner with stomps. RVD gets a kick in the corner, a thrust kick from the middle rope and Rolling Thunder. Gunner rolls outside and pulls RVD out, too. Guess he went to the “Cena-Orton School of No-Selling”. Gunner bodyslams RVD on the outside and throws him back in. Gunner climbs back in and gets a Tully Blanchard slingshot suplex for 2, only Tully did it better. RVD elbows out of a corner whip and goes up top, but Gunner gets a powerbomb for 2. RVD with a running spin kick into the corner, but Gunner no-sells again and gets a running knee for 2. Gunner goes for Mr. Pibb, but RVD spinning dropkicks out of it. RVD up with a Five-Star Frog Splash from way across the ring, and this one’s over.

WINNER: Rob Van Dam. Not a bad match, but I’m just not at all impressed with Gunner, nor do I understand why he’s getting pushed so hard. Oh, wait-It’s TNA. I don’t have to understand. Anyway, RVD and Gunner are now tied for 2nd place in the Blades of Glory series at 28 points a piece.

Backstage, we see Sting completing the Joker ensemble with a 3-piece suit, except it’s red instead of purple. Well, since it’s red, I guess it’s completely and utterly original, right? Right? Wrong? What? Okay.

Backstage again, Eric is scolding the members of Immortal, and is reading the letter from “The Network”. Basically, it says that, because of the success of Destination X (all 8,000 buys), they expect Eric to hire even more X-Division wrestlers and showcasing it more. I think they mean more X-Division guys will be hired then ignored. That sounds right to me. Hogan comes in and says he wants Kurt Angle destroyed. Bully Ray volunteers Mr. Anderson to do it. Anderson complains (which will lead to yet another turn by Anderson this year), but then agrees to do it. Bisch begins to read more from the letter, and the Red Scorpion appears, carrying something covered in a black blanket. He puts the something on Bischoff’s desk and talks about his suit, which he is wearing with sneakers. He talks about his great relationship with the Network, and that he is the new network executive for Impact. He says his first line of business is announcing that the Anderson/Angle match will be a cage match, and that Fourtune (which has five guys in it) will be at ringside. Yes, a lumberjack cage match. From the minds that brought us the reverse battle royal. Woot.

Back in the ring, Brian Kendrick is rambling about Austin Aries in jeans and no shoes. Alex Shelley is with him and calls Austin Aries a jackass. Aries makes his way to the ring now. Shelley begins naming off great X-Division wrestlers (and Samoa Joe) and says they built the division, and that Aries could contribute to the division but doesn’t because he cheats. Probably because he’s a heel. Probably. Shelley says Aries needs to play by the rules and calls Aries a douchebag. Aries makes fun of Kendrick for looking stupid, and I’m inclined to agree. Aries lists off everything he did to get his contract, and says that we’re playing by his rules now, and that he has only one rule-winning at all costs. He says he has a lot of five-star matches, and now wants a five-star bank account. Basically he wants to make money, which begs the question of why he’s in the company in the first place. Kendrick begins rambling again. Seriously, there’s no other way to describe his promos. I love the guy as a wrestler, but damn.

Shelley tells Aries to shove his great matches, and that we get a three-way match between them for the X-Division title at Hardcore Justice. All of a sudden, the man who absolutely screams “X-Division”, Abyss, makes his way out. He says that, despite the Network, Hogan and Bischoff call the shots. We know who to blame, Abyss. You don’t have to remind us. He says he gets a rematch for the belt, and will get it tonight. He says he’s taking the belt and killing the X-Division. When did a title belt become lethal?

Sting pops up on the big screen and says that the rematch will happen tonight, and it will be an Ultimate X match. I only see one problem with this, and his name rhymes with “Sub Miss” (Sato). Okay, so they don’t rhyme all that well. Shoot me.

Backstage with Matt Morgan and he’s telling us that he’s torn his right pec, and that he is now out of action due to the injury and out of the BFG series in the process.

We get a recap of Angle beating Jeff Jarrett to become #1 contender to the Battle Dome Championship. Now, we look at BFG matches from house shows. Bobby Roode, Bully Ray, Gunner and James Storm all picked up wins to earn points, as did Scott Steiner. Most of the wins were over Samoa Joe. Crimson is still in 1st place with 31 points. Remember him? No? You’re better off.

Crimson will be taking Blubber Ray on tonight in a series match. Ray is talking about playing “Angry Birds” and that he’s a legend. I’m inclined to agree. I’ve seen those plaques with his name on it at Old Country Buffet, so I know he’s telling the truth. They’re right next to Matt Hardy‘s plaques. Ray then talks about A.J. Styles. I guess they have a match at house show in Houston for more points. Ray says he’s going to be Styles, and follows it up by saying “okey-dokey”. Why does he say “okey-dokey”? Because he can. That’s really what he said, and that was his real explanation.

You know, if Axe Body Spray makes women want to molest mannequins, why is it still on the market?

MATCH 2-BFG Series match: Blubber Ray vs. Lance Sackless
Hey, remember that whole storyline of Crimson being Amazing Red’s younger brother? Neither does anyone in the company. Christy Hemme makes a point of telling us all Crimson is undefeated in his entrance announcement. Thanks, Christy. I had forgotten that fact in the last five minutes, despite it being repeated constantly. Ray starts off in the corner with punches and slaps. Why does Bully Ray jump with every move? I guess that’s his cardio for the day. Crimson gets a couple of gut punches in, but Ray’s a tub, so he no-sells it and gets a Mongolian chop. Ray begins attacking Crimson’s right knee, which is braced for some reason. Ray takes the brace off and begins dropping elbows, as if that brace was really doing anything. He pulls Crimson’s knee pad off and starts slapping his knee. Blubber Ray then does JBL’s hand gesture complete with cow moo. Racists stick together. Ray setts up for the Bully Bomb. Crimson elbows out of it, hits Red Sky, and this is over.

WINNER: Crimson. Crimson is still undefeated, despite being completely squashed in this awful, awful match. I just can’t be objective here-this match SUCKED. Crimson gets another 7 points, putting him at 38.

Up next, we get Winter vs. Tara. Apparently, Santa read my wish list this year.

Backstage (How many times do I have to tell you, WRESTLING MATTERS, DAMMIT!), Eric Bischoff is on the phone with someone, trying to get the Network on the phone. That’s about it.

In another part of the backstage area, my #1 fan and bestest friend in the history of ever anything Madison Rayne is walking around, talking about how she’ll be at ringside for this next match. Sting jumps in front of her, still packing around the thing in the blanket. Madison screams. Best. Segment. EVER.

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MATCH 3-Winter (w/Walking Stick) vs. Knockouts Tag Team Co-Champion Tara (w/Miss Tessmacher)
You know, ever since Winter got canned like a tuna from WWE, she appears to be getting more pale by the day. On the plus side, it compliments Angelina Love‘s anorexic look very nicely. Tara’s doing the fake lesbian kiss with Tessy now. Great. I do like Tessy’s outfit, though. Earl Hebner ejects both the other knockouts from ringside. In the ring, Tara’s slamming Winter’s head into everything. Roll-up with bridge gets 2. Winter gets out and shoulders Tara in the ring. Tara reverses a corner charge into Tajiri’s Tarantula, but Winter gets out and gets in a hot shot. Tara slams Winter’s head into the turnbuckle, but misses the Arabian facebuster. Winter gets a reverse neck whip in the ropes for 2. Now, she has a double chicken wing on Tara that Tenay incorrectly calls a surfboard. Tara goes for a corner whip, but Winter slides into it and gets a clothesline for 2.Backbreaker by Winter for 2. Winter mounts Tara, which isn’t as exciting as it sounds. They trade punches. Tara with clotheslines, a bodyslam and a botched standing moonsault that Taz calls beautiful. Tara tries for the Widow’s Peak, but slides out of it and gets a big boot. Winter goes for her horrible swinging side slam, but Tara gets out. Somehow, Earl Hebner gets kicked in the process, which allows Winter to hit a low blow. Kind of pointless on a woman, isn’t it? She gets the swinging side slam into a backbreaker, botches it heavily because she’s not strong enough, and gets the win.

WINNER: Winter. I’m disappointed my most favoritest wrestler in the ever Madison Rayne went back on her word and didn’t come out. Gonna have to have a talk with her about honesty. I guess she hasn’t seen any of those great after school specials. She could at least watch an episode of “Full House” or “Family Matters” once in a while. Geez.

MATCH 4-Ultimate X Match for the X-Division Championship: Abyss vs. Brian Kendrick
A friend of mine had a tryout with TNA last year. He told me that Abyss has specially designed boots to make him look much taller than he actually is, and that he’s only around 6 or 6’2″. Random thought for you there. You know, while the concept of the Ultimate X match isn’t bad, why couldn’t someone just grab a ladder and get the X/belt down? It’s a no-rules match, after all. Anyway. Kendrick tries a whip but Abyss reverses. He misses a corner charge and gets a kick and some punches. Abyss misses a boot. Kendrick gets a single-leg dropkick in, but Abyss knocks him down. Abyss actually tries jumping up to grab the belt before trying to climb the corner. Apparently, he’s afraid of heights. That, and I’m not sure the cables will hold him. Kendrick goes for a tornado DDT, but Abyss throws him out of it and catches a big boot. Abyss is trying to figure out how to get the belt. Again, ever think of a ladder? Abyss is now trying to tear the Ultimate X structure down. Kendrick knocks him down with a suicide dive and gets in some kicks on the outside. Kendrick catches the tornado DDT in the ring the second time, now he’s climbing up. Kendrick shimmies towards the belt, but Abyss pulls him down, followed by another clothesline.

God, Abyss has put on weight since the early TNA days. Guess there are no gyms in his little corner of Parts Unknown. Abyss misses a corner charge, and Kendrick counters with Sliced Bread #2. He climbs up and shimmies towards the belt again. He nearly gets it, but Abyss pulls him back down and gets an avalanche in the corner, followed by a chop. Another avalanche by Abyss, and he’s calling for the chokeslam. You know, because every guy announced as 6’8″ or over HAS to do a chokeslam. It’s a rule. He lifts Kendrick up, but Kendrick grabs the belt in the process, unhooks it and pulls it down with him. Admittedly, that was a cool spot.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Brian Kendrick. Not a great match, but like I said, the finish was actually pretty cool.

Backstage (Do I even need to say it?), Velvet Sky is talking to a big-jugged scarecrow called Traci Brooks. They’re yelling about calling the cops or something. I used to think. You know, I used to think Traci was hot. What the hell happened to her?

We get some bizarre skit with Eric Young. He’s talking to David Hasselhoff’s agent. Eric actually points out the TV title belt is missing jewels. I’m not sure what’s going on here. Young strips down to his underwear, then puts his clothes back on. The agent tells Young to find an acting coach. Apparently, we can see more of this on ImpactWrestling.com. Thank you, no.

Traci and Velvet are in the ring, inviting ODB and Jackie to the ring. They do. ODB appears to be on boobjob #127. Traci shows her lack of acting skills by smiling blankly while talking about how she invented the knockouts division. She says she didn’t complain about being fired like the other two have. ODB says “You should’ve”. Traci says they should be glad Velvet didn’t press criminal charges last week, and this all ends tonight. ODB says she’ll be happy to end it after putting her foot up Velvet’s “plastic, Barbie Doll ass”. The pot and the kettle, my friends. ODB says the division has turned into a “Hooters Invitational”, and she’s right. Velvet talks about her rough life in Hartford, CT. Um…isn’t that basically the suburbs? She talks about getting picked on in high school and blah, blah, blah. You know, Velvet, if this is how you acted in high school, I can’t blame the other people for picking on you (not that I believe the story). She says being in the knockouts division is the greatest gift she’s ever received. I’d hate to see her other gifts. She says she doesn’t owe anyone an apology, but she also doesn’t blame ODB and Jackie for being mad. She then says they should just ask for their jobs back instead of whining. Velvet says they can keep fighting, but she’s done being anyone’s punching bag. She leaves then leaves the ring. Pointless segment for a pointless feud. You know, if you want to get the knockouts division over as a serious division, perhaps the focal point of the division should more than eye candy (Velvet). Just a thought.

We see the 5-Man Fortune talking about being the lumberjacks in the main event tonight. Daniels pulls A.J. aside and asks him if he had a chance to think about what Daniels said (which we still don’t know). A.J. Styles asks if he’s serious before Sting barges in with his magical package of mystery. A.J. asks him what’s in the cage. Sting asks how he knew it was a cage. Probably by the sound. Probably. Sting says it’s a present for Eric Bischoff, and he’s going to give it to Eric right now.

MATCH 5-Steel Cage Lumberjack Match: Mr. Anderson vs. Kurt Angle
You know something, TNA? If you want to be taken seriously as a wrestling company, here’s a tip: Quit trying to invent the most pointless match concepts known to man. Just because you’ve come up with a new match idea doesn’t mean it’s always good to actually put it into practice. In some cases, such as this, there’s a reason other companies haven’t done it-because IT’S POINTLESS! Okay, I’m done. We learn that this match can be won by pinfall, submission or escaping the cage. I already ranted about how cage matches should be pinfall/submission OR escape in my last DVD recap, so I won’t complain more about it here. Commercial.

I’d really love to hurt the people behind Education Connection’s ad campaign. Just saying.

Before we actually get to the main event, we get yet ANOTHER backstage Eric Bischoff segment. He’s demanding someone on the phone put “Him” on the phone. Jesus? Apparently, Him answers the phone, and Bischoff is throwing a fit about Sting being the network executive. Him tells Bischoff he hasn’t talked to Sting in weeks. This leads Sting to come into the office with his cloth-covered cage. Sting talks about stuff bottled up inside him during the entire show. He says he knows the truth will set him free, and that he’s not actually a network executive, and that he made everything up, effectively killing the angle in less than 2 hours. According to Sting, putting on a nice suit gets people to respect you. He then takes the cloth off the cage and a giant bird flies out and lands on Eric’s computer monitor. He leaves before mentioning he’s locking the door. If you’re confused, then you’ve been paying attention.

We’re finally to the match, and Anderson is “really taking it” to Kurt Angle after one successful corner whip (Taz’s words). After a clothesline, Anderson gets in a rear chinlock. Angle arm drags out of it and catches a couple punches, but Anderson gets a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Anderson’s making the “money” signal as the crowd chants “You Sold Out”. I’m not even going to begin how stupid this chant is. Suplex by Anderson gets another 2. He then capitalizes with…another chinlock. This cage match is brutality at it’s most brutal, chico. Angle with a back suplex. They trade some punches, and Angle with an, um double eye-poke, maybe? It looked terrible. Angle with a belly-to-belly, but Anderson gets back on offense with a rolling fireman’s carry slam. He goes for the Mic Check, but Angle channels a dead guy and hits several German suplexes for 2. Ankle lock attempt, but Anderson rolls through into a victory roll for 2. Angle tries for more German suplexes, but Anderson throws him into the cage and catches the Mic Check for 2. Fourtune has been integral to this match, let me tell you. Anderson tries to escape through the cage door, but Angle gets the ankle lock on again. Anderson kicks his way out of it and drops Angle with a clothesline. Now he’s trying to climb out of the cage. Angle runs after him and catches a botched Angle Slam from the top rope for 2.

Hogan’s Orange Goblins run down to ringside, and Fourtune fights them off. Now Mexican-America runs down to fight Beer Money Inc. off. Blubber Ray comes in from the crowd and hides by the ring apron. He grabs Angle’s tights through the camera hold in the cage, which allows Anderson to attack him from behind. He gets a few stomps in before demanding Blubber to get him a chair. Blubber opens the door to give Anderson the chair, but refuses to let go because Anderson apparently called him “sweetheart”. Blubber finally does once Angle’s behind Anderson, which causes Anderson to fall back into the Angle Slam for the 3.

WINNER: Kurt Angle. Anderson’s head looks like it may have hit the chair on the landing, but I’m not sure. Anyway, the lights go out, and when they come back on, Sting’s in the ring. He congratulates Angle and says “Just ten more days”.

End of show.

The highlight of the show was the X-Division title match, which really was only good for the (surprisingly) creative ending. The rest of the show just sucked, and having the main event inside a cage was pointless. It seriously was only used as a weapon once, and really doesn’t do much good in the way of keeping wrestlers out when Blubber Ray just casually opens the door without the refs even attempting to stop him. As for the Sting angle, they literally started a new twist and then killed it in less than 2 hours.

Before I end this week’s recap, I personally would like to welcome a new writer to Camel Clutch, my friend and former writer for thewrestlingfan.com Malcolm “Not in the Middle” Spinedi (www.twitter.com/NotintheMiddle), who will be joining the site as the new WWE NXT recapper. Malcolm is a great writer with a sense of humor. If you enjoy my work, I think you’ll enjoy his as well.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com, where I have plenty of new stuff up, including a look at my tattoo collection and my new weekly installment, “Hot Chick in Tall Socks of the Week”. Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

Full TNA Impact Wrestling July 28 Results
Kurt Angle defeated Mr. Anderson in a Steel Cage Match
Brian Kendrick defeated Abyss in an Ultimate X Match
Winter defeated Tara
Rob Van Dam defeated Gunner in a Bound for Glory Series Match
Crimson defeated Bully Ray in a Bound for Glory Series Match

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In the second episode of TNA’s newly crowned Impact Wrestling, where “wrestling matters again,” fans were treated to six mediocre matches, a talk show segment, and an in ring Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan Tour de Force that almost took twenty minutes. Believe it or not, there were also three title matches tonight.

Six matches is still above their yearly average, but the Hogan, Bischoff and Mick Foley summit waddled along, arguing over semantics and eventually just revealed that Foley has plans for an Ultimate X match in a couple of months and that Abyss would defend his X Division title that night against laughably smaller Brian Kendrick. The only entertaining parts came when Kendrick came out and referred to Bischoff and Hogan as “reptilians.” Oh, and yeah-the fans chanting “we want wrestling!” at about the fifteen minute mark.

I loved the booking of this match, but hated that none of the other X Division guys tried to show solidarity and save Kendrick from the mauling he was about to receive. Kendrick mounted a few side step counters early, but for the most part jobbed before escaping to the top rope and being distracted by the ref long enough for Abyss to catch him with the Black Hole Slam and the win. Anyone who saw the ending would have been baffled as to why all of a sudden a referee would get in the way of a top rope flier and try to flag him down. Did the rules change all of a sudden? Perhaps it was an errant flaw in the recent amendments TNA Wrestling made to the “whatever wrestling is these days” constitution.

The main event of the evening, and probably best match by default, pitted Kurt Angle against Rob Van Dam, who was handpicked by Jeff Jarrett to slow his nemesis down. The match was also being billed as the “first ever meeting between the two….IN TNA!” Ya don’t say? RVD’s only been in the company for 14 months, most of that time seeing Kurt Angle off and on action as a fellow face. Whatever keeps fans excited, I guess. Hey, remember when the WWF billed the first ever meeting between Shawn Michaels and the Undertaker after both had been in the company for something like seven years? Now that was cool, exciting, and as an HBK super fan, life threatening all in one neat, sweaty package.

Anyway, after five minutes of entrances and MMA-style introductions, the match took off and both guys implemented their signature moves early. Nothing stood out and grabbed me in this match but at the same time it never felt lagging, either. Towards the end, Angle implemented his standing Ankle Lock finisher, which might end up going down in history as the easiest submission to escape…ever.

Seriously, anyone fighting Angle, twist your torso around and kick him off of you. This is doubly remarkable considering that Angle always has the option of getting on his back and grapevining the lock, making the hold extremely difficult to flip. I guess because Angle has it written in his contract that a minimum of one Ankle Lock and Angle Slam must be worked into every match, RVD easily broke the lock and got up, only to be bamboozled by the slam for the Kurt Angle victory.

In other action, Karen Jarrett defeated Matt Morgan using a crutch behind the ref’s back. Well, technically it was Jeff wrestling, but let’s face it, folks-every time Karen bails Big Daddy out of a match, it slowly continues to emasculate the former TNA champion. The crutch didn’t initially cause the loss, but a second Karen interference led to Scott Steiner running in and killing Morgan, which finished him off.

Morgan looked tighter and seemingly had some new moves in this match, but it never got off the ground considering the bout started with Earl Hebner arguing about where Karen Jarrett should sit during the match. Seriously, it was a difference of like, ten feet. Next to the ring or next to the ramp. Do like SmackDown did with Vickie Guerrero: ship Karen off to some other show, preferably NXT, Superstars, and I’ll even take The Bachelorette.

For the first time in what seemed like ages, a wrestling match opened up the broadcast as AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels defeated Tommy Dreamer and Bully Ray in a hardcore themed match. The match started off as a brawl around the ring and in the crowd, peeking at Styles’ ridiculous cross body on Dreamer from about 15 feet up in the stands. Eventually, everyone gathered in the ring to throw around trash cans and kendo sticks before Styles and Daniels combined for a nasty Spike Piledriver on Dreamer for the win. Cool opening, but AJ really needs to dump that lame neck brace gimmick.

Mike Tenay and Taz were promising a new talk show, Scorpion Sitdown, to debut tonight. I normally hate these talk show gimmicks, but when Mr. Anderson came out once again in WOO! Sting‘s gear, I knew it was off to a good start. Anderson killed it early, dropping reasoning like “since I can no longer wrestle…” as to why the show was created.

In a blast from the past, Anderson introduced his first guest as former WCW mid-carder Disco Inferno, who still looked to be in great wrestling shape. Soon though, the fanatical, grey area Anderson unfortunately turned heel, berated Inferno and eventually beat him down, only to be saved by real Sting. While last week I felt that Sting and Anderson should have wrestled, I appreciated the cat and mouse psychology of this otherwise lame segment.

The TV title was also on the line as Eric Young coaxed an apparently simpleminded Gunner into defending his TV title against him on the pretense that Young would lay down (a la Fingerpoke of Doom), Gunner would pin him and get back his TV belt while Young would get back his faux Heavyweight belt from Gunner. I didn’t expect much from this outcome, but Young laid down as promised, but when Gunner went for the pin Young rolled him up for the easy win, capturing the belt. While Young deserved the belt at some point for enduring this handicapped gimmick for months on end, I was really hoping for a more drawn out chase program between the two.

Mickie James defended her Knockouts title against Winter while Mike Tenay was still baffled by the continuing saga between Winter wanting to control Angelina Love in every way. “Now we learn the relationship goes back centuries!” screams Tenay, who legitimately seems torn between selling the grandiose mythos of the two lovers and calling the entire thing rubbish. For Tenay’s sake, I really hope he thinks we can believe Winter is some reimaging of The Queen of the Damned. After several DDT’s by both parties, Mickie finishes Winter off with one, winning the match and summarily being attacked by Zombie Angelina.

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In other Knockouts related news, Velvet Sky earned the coveted “Stinker of the Week” by jobbing it up on the mic and calling out ODB for attacking her last week. ODB wasn’t much better, rambling on about how Velvet caused her firing and later meekly attacking Velvet and accusing her of sleeping her way to the top. Poor Velvet-this is the second person in a month accusing her of using sex to advance in the company. While a fiery accusation, in what way, shape, or form is Velvet on top? Or was on top? It was even documented that she remains one of the few Knockouts left to have never won their championship.

Perhaps her segments are rated the best, but you guys need to come up with better insults. Make fun of her ridiculously over-sized funbags that are just begging to rupture upon the wrong bump. Call her out on that gaudy tribal armband tattoo. Expose her for actually dating the less talented Motor City Machine Gun. Turn her into an emotional wreck and call her Velvet Cry. Anything other than the Triple H treatment, please.

My quote of the night came during the back office segment when Eric Bischoff was proposing solutions for Beer Money and how they can defend their titles in 30 days without being stripped of them, in light of Robert Roode‘s apparent arm injury. Bischoff told James Storm that he looked like some magical hick farmer, told him to spread manure on Roode to heal him faster, and in his best crazed evangelical voice, Bischoff proclaimed “sonnnnn, ya healed!” It truly is the little things that save this show from utter disappointment sometimes.

VERDICT. In TNA’s hope of interjecting more matches into their card, they sacrificed quality for quantity because I probably won’t remember any of these matches in a couple of weeks. The Gunner and Abyss matches were decently booked, and AJ Styles had the moment of the night with his flying, from-the-crowd, cross body, but the show stayed consistently average with a main event that unintentionally portrayed Rob Van Dam as some sort of low rent hit man. I still believe in change and remain optimistic about an alternative product, no matter how poorly Mick Foley continues to state the obvious. 6/10

TNA Impact Wrestling May 26 Match Results
Fortune (Styles and Daniels) def. Bully Ray and Tommy Dreamer, pinfall
Jeff Jarrett def. Matt Morgan, pinfall
Mickie James (Champ) def. Winter for Knockouts title, pinfall
Abyss (Champ) def. Brian Kendrick for X Division title, pinfall
Eric Young def. Gunner (Champ) for TV title, pinfall
Kurt Angle def. Rob Van Dam, pinfall

Joe Leininger lives in Gainesville, FL and writes for The Playing Field and Destigeddon.

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Long standing and faithful fans on TNA Wrestling rejoice—Christopher Daniels has returned to fight the good fight with Fortune and take down Immortal.

Christopher Daniels had been away from TNA television since late March, which was right around the time I started really watching this company. Up until then he had been a mainstay with the organization, having spent eight years with them before being released.

While Fortune, minus the kayfabe injured AJ Styles, was getting mauled by Matt Hardy, Abyss, and Bully Ray in a steel cage, Daniels appeared from the crowd and delivered a massive cross body from the top of the cage that took out all three Immortal goons.

Backstage promos throughout the show had hinted that Fortune was calling in some sort of backup on account of Styles’ absence, but a surprise of this magnitude paid off because Daniels was treated to a loud pop from the crowd. This was probably really cool to see live, but the multiple hints at the reinforcement somewhat dampened the effect of a twist ending.

Sometimes, constantly watching wrestling can have negative effects on your overall enjoyment. For me, I appreciated the surprise visit from Christopher Daniels for two reasons: my unfamiliarity with him doesn’t bore me, and TNA showing the fans respect by bringing back one of their hardest workers caused my heart to grow two sizes bigger tonight.

While the Abyss return was a nice addition, everyone figured he would be back very soon, leading to minimal online buzz from the wrestling community. However, a 40-year-old Daniels, who was thought to be somewhat buried toward the end of his TNA career, returning amidst the tame atmosphere of stale main events that include Matt Hardy? This could be the kick in the teeth that TNA so desperately needs.

I can’t imagine the rating for this episode to be very high, especially the first half hour. In the ongoing Anderson/Sting/RVD story arc, the show kicked off with Mr. Anderson dragging referee Earl Hebner to the ring and demanding he reverse his DQ decision from Anderson’s No. 1 Contender match last week against Rob Van Dam. Poor writing, and I’ll be damned, plot holes sunk this very early. Initially, Hebner stood up for himself and said he WOULDN’T reverse the decision. When confronted by RVD just minutes later, Hebner calmly said he COULDN’T reverse the decision.

Errors like that are excusable during mid-show commercial break promos, but this was dead square in the middle of the opening segment, when casual viewers have antsy trigger fingers on their remotes. The Dodgers are playing the Giants six channels over on Opening Night in Major League baseball…come a little harder than that, guys.

Even if you have been keeping up, the constant whining, match reshuffling, and overall antics involving Sting, Eric Bischoff, Hulk Hogan, Rob Van Dam, Mr. Anderson, and various other members of Immortal are about enough for me to ruin every opening segment, but the story also ate up a portion of the show at the hour mark.

Mr. Anderson came to the ring and demanded an apology from Sting, and surprise, the two fought. Over what? Who knows. Probably respect. Maybe a parking spot outside Universal Studios. All this nonsense probably ate up a quarter of the show, all to announce a Steel Cage Main Event featuring Hardy, Abyss, and Bully Ray against Sting, RVD, and Mr. Anderson.

Needless to say, when the match finally starts, there is no cohesion between the faces, especially between Anderson and his two tag team partners. One slightly amusing bit was when Anderson refused to enter the cage to help his team, instead opting to grab a chair, sit down and watch the match like a fan. Hell, he even flipped around the chair and sat A.C. Slater style, really channeling his anti-hero character, electing to not help the two guys who he feels have wronged him the past couple of weeks.

The structure of the match was a mess. It looked as if not all parties knew that the match was official tag team rules. At the beginning, RVD looked lost as he huddled behind the ropes, waiting to be tagged in as the Immortal guys stomped a mud hole in Sting. When Anderson was finally thrown in the ring by Hogan, the match looked more like a standard tag bout, but at that point no one cared. Eventually, Anderson pushed RVD off the top rope, leading to Ray giving RVD a Bubba Bomb for the win.

If this wasn’t bad enough, the writers questioned are ability to count, adding the three healthy members of Fourtune to the cage to fight Immortal, making it 5-on-3 in favor of the good guys. Sadly, all five men were overpowered (including the company’s Heavyweight champ, mind you) by two jobbers and an out-of-shape, former tag wrestler. After what seemed like every member of Fortune had been busted open, The Fallen Angel, Chris Daniels made his appearance and saved this story from completely sucking.

THE OTHER STUFF

In a move I hoped for and predicted a couple of months ago, the two brothers of Generation Me finally came to blows over their individual quests for the X Division title. While neither Max nor Jeremy Buck can cut a great promo, the match they put on was a solid exhibition of fast aerials, character growth, and story telling. Max came off as the smarter, older brother who insisted on keeping his younger in his shadow to answer to his every demand. Jeremy fought valiantly, but was overcome with Max’s trickery, leading to a powerbomb into the turnbuckle, following by a running, top rope bulldog for the pin. While this is a nice change of pace, I really hope the end result is Generation Me putting aside their differences and re-entering the tag fray. Neither is ready for the singles division.

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The Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett story lives on, with this installment seeing Jeff sending out Rob Terry to weaken Angle before their match at TNA Lockdown. In a three minute awkward bump session, Kurt wrenched the ankle lock and claimed the victory. Afterwards, Angle chased Jeff from the ring, only to be confronted and arrested by police for violating the restraining order held against him by Karen Angle. It was a nice little chapter that wasn’t entirely corny, but the 50 million Jarrett promos during the show made me nauseous.

In a Knockouts angle I thought would lose steam, Velvet Sky battled Winter, aka the psycho that is brainwashing Velvet’s best friend, Angelina Love. The promos for this were generally effective, yet surprisingly creepy. Angelina was seen drinking something, seeming under the hypnotic control of Winter. This pisses off Velvet even more, who ended up giving it her all, but succumb to a nasty winding backbreaker and subsequent chin lock submission from Winter, who earned the win. Angelina’s dead-behind-the-eyes, completely subservient gaze during the match was so great that I am actually excited to see what’s next. An adaptation of The People’s Temple? Mark me down as ‘supportive’.

The opening bout saw Shannon Moore lose to Scott Steiner, who exacted some revenge for Shannon’s defacing of Steiner’s head dress. After Steiner executed a rarely seen Frankensteiner on Moore for the pin, the real story unfolded as Magnus and Douglas Williams attacked Eric Young and Orlando Jordan, who were on commentary during the match. This sets up a four-way tag match at Lockdown between all teams involved, with Williams and Magnus serving as de facto heels against Steiner and Crimson, Ink Inc., and Young and Jordan. I think this brings the count of Douglas Williams’ vascillation between heel and face to somewhere around five or six in the past year alone. Yikes.

TNA March 31 Impact Results
Scott Steiner def. Shannon Moore, pinfall
Max Buck def. Jeremy Buck, pinfall
Winter def. Velvet Sky, submission
Kurt Angle def. Rob Terry, submission
Bully Ray, Matt Hardy, and Abyss def. Rob Van Dam, Sting, and Mr. Anderson, pinfall

VERDICT. While the Daniels return, the rift between the Bucks, and Winter’s personality growth are all signs of an entertaining product, this Impact episode served as the perfect example of limiting the action on television to cheaply warrant a PPY buy. Most of this crap seems forced and riddled with random, brief, and sometimes useless interview-style promos. The quantity of the backstage segments was at an all time high while the quality flickered between uninspired and poor. In one of the earlier promos, Bully Ray dropped this gem: “I’m a bad BMF!” Apparently chino vests with customizable biker stickers and beanies trump a general understanding of acronyms. Damn, his bully character is spot on! 4/10

Joe Leininger lives in Gainesville, FL and writes for The Playing Field and Destigeddon.

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It’s been a long two months, but finally Abyss has returned to the Impact Zone. The masked monster had been “sidelined” since mid January after Crimson implanted his weapon of choice, Janice, square in Abyss‘ back, causing him to collapse on stage and disappear up until last night.

While Beer Money and Kazarian were brawling with Ric Flair, Bully Ray, and Matt Hardy, the arena dimmed red and a new look Abyss appeared from the crowd, stormed the ring and helped destroy the Fortune members.

Say what you will about Abyss as a wrestler, but the guy has great dedication to his character and relentlessly works harder each match to serve as a vehicle to put other guys over. These past couple of months have felt slightly empty without the TNA original, and I’m sure glad he’s back. The brawl served to set up a decent match at Lockdown between Fortune and a Flair-led Immortal, now backed by the hated Bully Ray.

But will AJ Styles be there to compete at the upcoming PPV? Early indications are that Styles’ injury stunt last week was a work, instead of it being an excuse to write him off due to legitimate injuries. Even if this is the case, TNA cannot afford to keep him off television for long, especially considering his most recent time off with an abdominal injury. My prediction is that AJ makes a surprise appearance at TNA Lockdown, helping Fortune defeat Immortal in the cage.

The main event angle continued to revolve around the cluttered No. 1 Contenders spot for Sting‘s Heavyweight title. The opening, promos, and final match itself were up and down; the broadcast opened up with a, I kid you not, auto-tuned rant by Mr. Anderson, preaching to the choir about his lack of a title shot. Wow, TNA Creative, somebody’s been watching some Rebecca Black this past week. Anderson opened with an amusing skit featuring one of his old math teachers from UW-Green Bay, which ended in Anderson giving the poor chump a Mic Check for him telling Anderson’s object of affection that he was a homosexual. Cue tepid applause from the anti-bullying platform.

All of this show signs of promise, but TNA lazily drug out more characters (Eric Bischoff, Hulk Hogan, Rob Van Dam, and Sting) to create the same kind of vibe in every one of their openings for the past month. After all the bitching and moaning, Hogan and Bischoff decided that RVD and Anderson would fight for the No. 1 Contender spot, while the “network” decided that Sting should be the enforcer for the match.

The match was nothing special, but it did feature your go-to motifs: the ref being knocked out for minutes on end (he might be dead, guys), Sting interjecting himself into the action and Anderson having a problem with it, and no clear winner, yet again. RVD was knocked unconscious via a Mic Check onto the ring post, and while Anderson and Sting were battling it out, the bell randomly rung and no one knew when the match was over and the aftermath was beginning. No one cared, either.

As much as I think this is more of a solution to include all of their high paid wrestlers in the spotlight, TNA can’t see the problem that these matches with no definitive ending are becoming repetitive, frustrating, and boring. You know what wasn’t boring and unoriginal, when Eric Bischoff instituted that Power Ranking system to determine the new No. 1 Contender last year. Sure, it had some flaws, but the effort and idea were solid enough to carry some incarnation of that voting system way past the two of three month run it lasted. Now I’ve gotten to the point, as a viewer, to just accept some sort of a Fatal Four Way match every PPV to determine the champion.

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Other action saw The Pope continue his laughable feud with Samoa Joe, except this time The Pope would be squaring off against Joe’s lackey Okato (formerly Okada). As poorly as this random story has been handled, The Pope has taken his criticism well and really strived to become a more competent heel. You know you’ve made it when you beat your opponent mercilessly with your own shoe and the camera pans to the white women in the crowd, booing and pointing their thumbs down with haste.

Basically, the whole match was just a squash, which was fortunate because this Okato character could barely even take a back body bump correctly. In a move I don’t think I’ve seen before, Pope continued the humiliation by stuffing Okato’s head between the edge of the ring mat and the apron, choking him with the skirt. When enough was enough, Joe came out to fend off his nemesis, adding even more fuel to this combustible feud.

Later on in the show, Hernandez came out and introduced us to his friend, Anarchia, who we’ve seen interrupt matches at the past two events. Along with Sarita and Rosita, the group is slowly forming some sort of Mexican American contingency, and their first target is Matt Morgan, who comes out with Devon to battle the two in a street fight. Apparently Impact’s quota for jean-approved street fights is now one per episode.

In the middle of the match, Velvet Sky came out to fight Sarita, while Anarchia abruptly ended the fight by hitting Devon with brass knuckles behind the ref’s back. Wait, wait, wait…is this not a street fight? Aren’t implements of destruction such as brass knuckles not only legal, but encouraged in street fights? Come on, TNA, get your rules straight. Anarchia, much like Okato, didn’t impress me much in the ring, and for my money the group spouted off way too much Spanish, sans subtitles. Regardless, I love race wars in wrestling. For the most part, they are contemporary, develop easy heat, and get people talking. I just hope they don’t screw this one up.

In kind of a throwaway match, Ink Inc. lost to the team of Scott Steiner and Crimson. This would have been a decent filler match had it not been for Mike Tenay and Taz spoiling the end result. The past couple of weeks have seen a personality clash within the ranks of Ink Inc, mainly Shannon Moore disrespecting other wrestlers. Sure enough, after Crimson delivers a nasty Red Alert finisher for the win, Shannon starts pouting and wipes his ass with Steiner’s chained headpiece. But you probably could have guessed that by the way Tenay and Taz kept going on about Moore’s recent shenanigans.

Even though Crimson continued to look great in the ring, the bad execution would make it surprising if yet another tag team, Ink Inc. in this case, didn’t break up because of random personality shifts. One half of Motor City is on the shelf, guys. Can you really afford to lose another tag team and succumb to WWE‘s singles-only format?

There was also a Knockouts match that saw Mickie James defeat Tara, which in turn caused Madison Rayne to question Tara’s usefulness for not taking out Mickie and being an overall abject failure. While the spots were right on, the pacing was horrible—Tara owned Mickie the whole match, but the tides turned unconvincingly with one punch to the gut and a DDT for the win. The impending Hair vs. Title match at Lockdown could get a little more interesting. While I still expect Mickie to win the title (thus saving her hair), it was reported that James injured her shoulder during a house show in Jacksonville last week.

VERDICT. The return of Abyss was welcome, as was the mostly competent in ring maneuvers. However, the everlasting hodgepodge that they call the No. 1 Contender spot still doesn’t intrigue me enough to call this much of an improvement, especially considering the vast amount of time and resource the company pours into their Heavyweight title. Remember when secondary belts meant something?! 5/10

TNA Impact! March 24 Results:
Mickie James def. Tara, pinfall
Okato def. The Pope, DQ
Hernandez and Anarchia def. Matt Morgan and Devon, pinfall
Scott Steiner and Crimson def. Ink Inc., pinfall
Rob Van Dam and Mr. Anderson fought to a no contest

Joe Leininger lives in Gainesville, FL and writes for The Playing Field and Destigeddon.

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