Sunday is WWE’s Summerslam, the “Wrestlemania of the summer” where the stakes usually get higher and the matches become more high profile.
Unfortunately for us, the WWE thinks making the main event a good one and the rest of the card look like your standard RAW is enough to make us sign up for the Network (just $9.99!) or order on pay-per-view. Seriously, outside of Wrestlemania, every pay-per-view is starting to feel the same. Just the same matches we see over and over and over again, like someone swapped out the marker for the dry-erase board in the back with a permanent marker. “Shit, guys. Reigns vs Orton won’t come off the board, what do I do? Eh, don’t worry about it. No one will notice.”
Still, there are matches on the card and somebody has to predict them. That’s where yours truly comes in. Let’s get to it.
Divas Championship Match – AJ Lee © vs Paige
What will happen: This will be a good back-and-forth match with Paige trying to out-crazy the originator of being crazy. Paige will look like she has the upper hand near the end of the match, only for the crafty veteran AJ to either steal a flash pin or slap on the Black Widow for the win.
What should happen: Pretty much that. Just have a good match, that’s all I’m really asking for here.
Flag Match – Jack Swagger vs Rusev
What will happen: Swagger will likely go over Rusev after a scuffle between Lana and Zeb, more than likely via the Patriot Lock. It’ll be a decent hoss match because these guys are capable of hossing the shit out of anyone, but nothing to write home about.
What should happen: Rusev should just super-kick Swagger in the face, slap the Accolade on him and scream “this is for killing Ziggler’s title run!” over and over while Lana stands off to the side cackling in her “there’s no way that’s regulation” pantsuit.
Intercontinental Title Match – The Miz © vs Dolph Ziggler
What will happen: This is kind of a hard one to figure out. Dolph has been getting pushed again, but the Miz just won the title last month. It wouldn’t make a ton of sense to put the belt on him only to take it right off of him, but the WWE is a world of stop-and-start pushes so anything is possible here.
What should happen: I’m a fan of Hollywood Miz. His “I’m the Marine, damnit!” may have been the best line uttered all year and it was great because he believes it. He should retain in as shady and heelish a manner as possible and go on an extended run with the IC belt. Someone needs to, because that belt has become barely more relevant than the Divas championship and no one in the WWE has noticed.
Lumberjack Match – Dean Ambrose vs Seth Rollins
What will happen: Rollins will be on the defensive most of the match but will ultimately pull out some scummy way to win. Ambrose will continue the fight, chasing Rollins out because this is of course another episode of RAW.
What should happen: Ambrose should steal the win, simply to give Rollins a reason to want to keep fighting the guy. Seriously, he’s crazy and keeps ruining all of Rollins’ title shots. Why would Seth want to keep dealing with this guy unless he loses to him?
Randy Orton vs Roman Reigns
What will happen: Orton will likely control the bulk of this match, slithering into position to strike (get it, because he’s a snake) before Reigns battles back, hits all of his big spots and gets the win. Again: this is every week of RAW.
What should happen: Orton comes out and spends all of his time cutting a promo where he over-explains things, leaving little time for the actual match to happen.
Chris Jericho vs Bray Wyatt (Harper and Rowan banned from ringside)
What will happen: Wyatt will score the decisive win which will somehow negate the fact that he already lost clean with to Jericho at Battleground with Harper and Rowan there.
What should happen: Wyatt wins and the Family comes back down to beat Jericho within an inch of his life to remind you of why you’re supposed to be afraid of Wyatt. Sometimes actions are louder than words, Bray.
Brie Bella vs Stephanie McMahon
What will happen: Brie will score the big win that will change nothing since Stephanie will remain her boss who can do anything she wants at any time.
What should happen: Stephanie should just throttle Brie for a solid five minutes while screaming “you’re a terrible person, Brie! Why would they cheer for you? You can’t mom dance like me, Brie!” It’s all true.
WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match – John Cena © vs Brock Lesnar
What will happen: Cena will battle and battle before Brock ultimately scores the fall and wins the title, making Cena look valiant even in the face of defeat because clearly Cena is a guy who needs to be made to look good at this point.
What should happen: Brock should literally tear Cena limb from limb while doing his weird pterodactyl scream. Just blood, vomit and urine everywhere before Brock exits with a “BYAH!” and the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. John Cena will recover from his dismemberment the next night.
Full SummerSlam 2014 card and matches…
John Cena (c) vs. Brock Lesnar for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Bray Wyatt vs. Chris Jericho with Erick Rowan & Luke Harper banned from ringside
Brie Bella vs. Stephanie McMahon
Jack Swagger vs. Rusev in a Flag match
AJ Lee (c) vs. Paige for the WWE Divas Championship
Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns
The Miz (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins in a Lumberjack match
WWE The Paul Heyman Story
OMG Volume 2: The Top 50 Incidents in WCW History DVD
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