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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 08-25-11 – Crimson Wrestles Angle!

August 26, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Crimson Kurt AngleWelcome to theTNA Impact Wrestling recap for 8/25/11. As I’m sure most of you are aware, not only was Matt Hardy fired earlier this week for being arrested on a DWI charge, but Jeff Hardy is scheduled to return tonight at the taping in Huntsville, Alabama.

So, to recap, one Hardy brother gets fired for being arrested while the other one is keeping his job despite facing multiple felony drug-related charges. Apparently, the message TNA wants to get across to its wrestlers is, if you get drunk and crash your car, we will fire you immediately. If you are facing illegal drug charges, though, you’ll not only keep your job, but we’ll push you to the moon, even if you show up for your main event match stoned out of your mind. TNA: Drug-Addicted WWE Rejects Welcome!

The show starts with a recap of Kurt Angle beating up Crimson from a couple of weeks ago, as well as their confrontation from last week. It was bad enough recapping it the first time, so let’s leave it at that.

“Live” at the Impact Zone, we see Kurt Angle coming down to the ring with the Battle Dome Championship. I hope T-Money is his next challenger. Kirk Angel (your check’s in the mail, Jericho) grabs a microphone and says that he’s calling out Crimson this week. This leads to Crimson coming out with a limp. He’s actually wearing red gear this week! Amazing. Angle says that the way Crimson carried himself last week was impressive, and that means Crimson either has balls or is a complete jackass. Angle says a few months ago, Crimson was nothing more than Amazing Red’s little brother, but now he’s a somebody, and Kurt Angle says he should get credit for that. Angle says he’ll make Crimson famous tonight by not only ending his undefeated streak, but ending his career. He says that’s the price you pay for disrespecting him.

Crimson talks about how Angle nearly broke his leg two weeks ago. He says he has no problem earning Angle’s respect, and he plans to do that tonight. He reminds us that Angle says he’s going to take every young guy on the roster out, and that he should start with Crimson. Crimson goes on to say he’ll earn Angle’s respect tonight.

Hogan’s Orange Goblins begin to make their way to the ring, minus Hogan and Bischoff. Jeff Hardy must’ve been doing a line in the back and missed his cue, as he’s also absent. As a AAA fan, I hate Jeff Jarrett now more than ever.

Blubber Ray grabs a microphone now. Great. He asks if Crimson is serious, and reminds him he’s talking to Kurt frickin’ Angle. As Ray begins to list off Angle’s achievements, Angle cuts him off and tells him he can handle things himself. He says that if any member of the H.O.G.s interferes in his match tonight-especially Jarrett, they have a problem. He tells Crimson it’s time to make him famous before walking back up the ramp. Jeff Jarrett nonsensically mugs for the camera.

Earlier today, Jackie and ODB confronted Velvet Sky. Sky says she has their backs tonight. Weren’t they feuding just a couple of weeks ago? Jackie says there’s two of them, and they could take her out right now, as well as the only witness, that being the camera man. I guess she forgot the ten people watching this show.

Before the commercial break, we see a pair of feet walking around backstage. Sadly, it won’t be Dude Love this time.

The 8/16 episode of this show was apparently the highest rated episode ever in the UK and Ireland. Huzzah! They shot up to 20 viewers there!

In Bischoff’s office, he’s laying into Hogan about Ric Flair as Hogan grunts. Ric Flair is also in the room. Hogan says he’s not going to get into the ring with Sting, and isn’t happy about the stipulation that Flair made last week for his match with Sting. You know, the one that never happened? Flair says he’ll make it up to Hogan. Hogan says that, tonight, they are going to go out to the ring and make things right with Sting, and asks Flair to keep his mouth shut the entire time. Flair promises to do just that. Damn, that was exciting stuff!

Angelina Love heads to the ring for our next match. She has uber-generic music now.

MATCH 1-6-Knockouts Tag Team Match: Angelina Love, Rosita and Sarita vs. Jackie, ODB and Velvet Sky
Just when I thought Love couldn’t look any more hideous, she tops herself this week. Sarita still has thong panties on her face. Jackie and Sarita start things off with a tie-up. They trade a few moves. Sarita catches a knee and tags in Rosita. They trade some shots. Jackie tags in Sky. Sky accidentally hits Jackie with a forearm, leading to a 2 by Rosita. Sky with a jawbreaker, and she tags in ODB. Rosita tags in Sarita, but she gets tripped up by ODB. Sky back in now, and she hits some incredibly weak shots. Sarita telegraphs a back body drop, but catches a dropkick attempt and catapults Sky into a forearm by Rosita. Rosita’s back in now with some forearms and kicks. She tags Sarita back in, who bodyslams Sky and follows up with some elbows and a knee. Rosita’s back in, who hits some kicks and forearms. Sarita back in now. Sky fights out and catches a back chop. Love makes the blind tag, which pisses Rosita off for some reason. Sky kicks Love off and hits a really sloppy side uranage, leading to Rosita and Sarita to break up a pinfall attempt. ODB and Jackie cut them off outside. Love whips Sky down of a whip before hitting her really sloppy double-knee to the back of the neck. ODB and Jackie hit Love with a double suplex, leading Sky to get the pin.

WINNERS: Jackie, ODB and Velvet Sky. If you loved sloppy forearm shots and blown spots, man, was this match for you! After the match, the non-Spanish Spanish broads lay into Angelina Love. She just pushes them off. So exciting.

MATCH 2: Kid Kash vs. Jesse Sorensen
Sorensen comes out with a football and a letterman’s jacket. This isn’t a generic gimmick at all. Kash cuts Sorensen off as he climbs into the ring. Kid with some chops, but Sorensen comes back with some shots. Kash with a few more and he gets Sorensen into the ropes with some crossface shots. Kash talks some trash before picking Sorensen back up. He catches a knee and a backbreaker before hitting a release rotating suplex for 2. Kash looks for the Money Maker, but Sorensen reverses out. He catches a back body drop, a clothesline, a running knee and a nice dropkick for 2. Sorensen gets cut off with a chop. Kash goes for a side-Russian leg sweep and hits the McGillicutter for 2. Sorensen climbs up top and catches a cross body for another 2. Kash reverses a corner whip, but Sorensen rolls out and catches a roll-up. Kash keeps rolling into a pin of his own, and gets it as he holds the tights.

WINNER: Kid Kash. Meh. Kash didn’t look all that great, and there wasn’t much here to speak of. Sorensen looked alright, but I’ve seen him look better. Christy Hemme interviews Kash, who talks a bunch of trash to Sorensen, then yells at a fan. Sorensen gets in Kash’s face and they trade words. Kash pie-faces him. Leading to the indy security guards to break it up. Wait, was that a fight?

Later tonight, Blubber Ray, Johnny Bravo and “Machine Gun” Joe Viterbo will take on Beer Money and A.J. Styles in a 6-Man Falls-Count-Anywhere Match in the BFG series. God, I hate matches like this. What happens if two guys from opposite teams are get the pin at the same time? How do you determine the winner?

The Pope will also take on RVD in a BFG match tonight. I hate this match less.

We get highlights from some house shows in Georgia that featured BFG matches. Gunner picked up 7 points over Pope, and Roode got 7 over RVD. This clip is brought to you with “music” by Staind. We see the scoreboard for the series, and apparently, Devon is out with an injury now, too.

MATCH 3-BFG Series Match: D’Angelo Dinero vs. Rob Van Dam
They shake hands before tying up. RVD gets a waistlock that he turns into a side headlock. Pope picks RVD up for a back suplex and connects, but RVD holds onto the headlock. After they exchange some moves, RVD gets two of a leg scissors takedown. Pope gets his knees up on a standing moonsault, but RVD still hits a bodyslam. RVD goes for Rolling Thunder, but Pope gets his knees up again. An uppercut gets 2. Pope gets another 2 off an STO. Anyone else wonder why Pope wears very tiny kneepads on his knees, but heavy duty kneepads on his shins? Anyway, RVD reverses an Irish whip into a drop toehold, into an inverted STF. Pope gets to the ropes to break it up. Apparently, according to Mike Tenay, anyway, Samoa Joe injured Devon’s knee last week, leading to him being out of the series. RVD gets a monkey flip out of the corner. Both men back up and RVD gets in an abdominal stretch. That only works if you’re Antonio Inoki. Pope hip tosses out of it and hits a sweet-looking sweeping DDT for 2. Pope to the middle rope, and he connects with a fist drop. That one only works if you’re Jerry Lawler. Pope’s limping now. RVD pops up with a spin kick. RVD goes for a surfboard stretch, and lowers him down for a 2-count. RVD puts him back up in the stretch, and Pope gives up. Wait, what?

WINNER: Rob Van Dam, who gets 10 points for the submission. When have you ever seen a wrestler submit to that move before? Go ahead and try to think of a time when you saw it. I dare you. Van Dam is now tied with Gunner for 4th place at 45 points.

Back in the ring, Samoa Joe has come from nowhere and hits Pope with a Muscle Buster. Joe puts Pope in a leg grapevine. Devon’s kids are going nuts. Devon walks down to ringside, and has a knee brace on. His kids are begging him to go do something. He tells them to shut up and give him a chair. He takes the chair into the ring, chasing Joe off. I’m going to take a wild guess here and say that they’ll announce Pope as being injured next week, too.

Backstage, Robbie E walks up to Rob Terry. He says he’s there to save Rob Terry, and calls them “P.I.C.s”, or “partners in crimes”. He offers Terry the chance to be his personal bodyguard after insulting him. Terry says he’ll think about it. Robbie E fist-pumps the air as several of my brain cells suffocate themselves and die.

In another backstage area, Scott Steiner is screaming at Gunner and Blubber. Steiner is screaming nonsensically. Not to be outdone, Ray screams nonsensically. Steiner says, “Keep AJ in the ring, get those other subabitches outta there, and we’ll we’re goa beat up AJ.” Gunner asks what Steiner’s problem is.

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In ANOTHER backstage area, Rosita and Sarita are screaming nonsensically at Angelina Love. Then they beat her up. Winter comes in and beats them up. Lots of screaming here. Winter rips the Venetian blind off the window and strangles Rosita with the cord. Anarquia and Hernandez come in to chase Winter and Love off.

We see Hogan and Flair walking towards the ring.

Another shot of those random feet. Totally not Jeff Hardy. Totally.

Back in Bischoff’s office, Traci Brooks walks in. She asks if he’s thought about what they talked about last week. He says he has and the more he thinks about it, the more he likes it. He says he’ll make the “big” decision next week in Huntsville, Alabama as he stares at her chest. He asks if they can meet somewhere after the show and get “COCKtails” (how he pronounced it). She says she has a better idea, and that they’ll have three cocktails instead.

Hogan and Flair make their way to the ring to the totally-original-and-not-an-nWo-knockoff theme song. Flair tries playing air guitar. Did you know there’s a world championship for air guitar playing? Look it up. Hogan grabs a microphone and says that the “main problem we have right now is that we’ve got a problem.” Makes perfect sense. He then calls Sting out to face the music, brother.

Sting makes his way down to the ring, making stupid Joker-esque faces. Hogan says Sting’s way too out there over the edge, and is way too much. He says things have gone too far, and that they need to end tonight. Hogan says Sting needs to look in the mirror as he is a complete wreck. If that’s not the leathery, saggy pot calling the kettle black. He says Sting’s fries are missing from his Happy Meal. No, I didn’t make that up. Apparently, Sting’s geese are flying all over the place, too. Hogan says Sting’s out of his mind, and asks if he wants the little Stingers to look up to him the same way the Hulkamaniacs look up to him. Hogan says he can’t have all the craziness going on because this is a family show. No, really. That’s what he called it. Sting laughs. Hogan says he doesn’t get it. Hogan says he’s partially to blame, and that he and Bischoff had made some mistakes. He says they’ve learned from their mistakes, and that from now on, he and Eric are going to run TNA with the most impeccable precision he’s ever seen. He says TNA will become the standard bearer on what a wrestling promotion should be. L. Ron Hubbard help us all. Hogan extends his hand for a handshake. Sting says he’ll accept on one condition. Hogan says he’ll do anything to make that happen. Sting says milk and cookies for all, balloons, colorful rainbows, unicorns and puppy dogs. He also says flowers in an effeminate voice. Sting is trying to be really funny here, but is failing miserably. Sting then hugs Hogan and kisses him.

Flair throws his jacket off menacingly, grabs the mic out of Hogan’s hand, calls sting a stupid sonofabitch and says this isn’t a game. Flair pushes Hogan off and tells him to leave him alone. He says he can give Sting crazy and does a phantom elbow drop. He says he was crazy when Sting was still sucking his mother’s t*t. That would mean that Flair started wrestling when he was around 15 or 16 years old, which wasn’t even legal back then. Flair says he’s so crazy he’s going to kick Sting’s ass so bad. Sting laughs at him. Flair tells him to laugh. Flair says he’s much crazier and has the edge because when it comes time to kill, Sting respects Flair to much to hurt him. Flair then says at that point, he’ll kicks Sting f***ing ass. So much for the family show part. Sting goes crazypants and screams in Flair’s face and says if he has to go through Flair to get to Hogan, he’ll go through Flair. Sting says he’ll start with Flair at Bound For Glory before taking off his duster and throwing it to the ring as he walks to the back. I just noticed Sting’s new t-shirt. It has a picture of his face on it, with the word “Nervous?” written at the top. Could they rip off “The Dark Knight” anymore blatantly? If anyone from TNA “creative” is reading this, that’s not a challenge, BTW.

A.J. Styles is walking down to the ring. He doesn’t have his ring jacket or pants on, which means this isn’t a match. Styles gets a microphone and addresses Christopher Daniels. He says he has an answer for Daniels, so Daniels needs to come down. Not sure what the question even was.

According to Tenay, Daniels has been begging for another match with Styles. Guess that was the question. Styles says he’s not mad at Daniels, but when he commentated last week, Styles understood but didn’t know why it had to be announced to the world. Probably to attempt to drum up interest in the match. Probably. Styles asks why Daniels needs the rematch, and why he wants or needs it so badly. Daniels says that, at the end of the night at Destination X, he still lost and had to ask himself if he had what it takes to still be in TNA the next day. He said he asked himself if it was time to walk away, and if he deserved to be in TNA anymore. Daniels came back to TNA and joined Fourtune for A.J. Daniels says he asked for the rematch not because he wanted it, but because he needs to know if it’s time to walk away from wrestling. Daniels begins some fake crying in the middle of this.

Styles gets the mic back and tells Daniels one more time. Daniels hugs him. Daniels says he’ll see Styles at No Surrender. Styles says he’ll be in the finals of the BFG series at No Surrender, so he says let’s do it next week instead. Way to throw away a match people might actually pay to see.

Beer Money Inc. comes out, so I guess it’s now time for the match.

MATCH 4-BFG Series 6-Man Falls-Count-Anywhere Match: Beer Money Inc. (Bobby Roode and James Storm) and A.J. Styles vs. Bully Ray, Gunner and Scott Steiner
No chain mail and sunglasses for Steiner. Styles and Beer Money catch Immortal on the apron. Everyone’s brawling. James Storm takes a second to drink beer. Steiner spits beer in Roode’s face. More brawling. There are three referees in this match. Abyss is watching the match from the stage. Gunner and Styles are in the ring. Gunner with some axe handles and a punch. Styles kicks him away and hits a dropkick for 2. Steiner comes in with an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Steiner with some chops on Styles. Styles kicks out of a corner whipe, and Steiner gets clotheslined by Roode. Roode with a forearm shot. He follows up with a blockbuster for 2. Blubber hits Roode with a boot. Ray gets kicked in the face by Storm on a corner charge, who hits a cross body from the top for 2. Beer Money hit a double suplex. Apparently, the stupid rule where only the guy who gets the pin gets any points is in place here. Styles hits a flip dive onto Ray from the ring to the floor. Styles is selling a knee injury now. Could be legitimate. Gunner throws Storm into part of the stage for 2. More brawling. Now we get split-screen. God, what a mess. Roode whips Steiner into a wall for 2. More split-screen. Ringside, Ray and Styles are brawling. Backstage, Gunner drops some lockers on Storm while Steiner hits Roode with a trash can elsewhere. Back in the ring, Styles hits a Superman for 2.They trade some blows. Gunner’s back in the ring now, as is Steiner. Styles tries to take them all on before Ray hits a Bully Bomb to earn the 3-count.

WINNERS: Bully Ray, Gunner and Scott Steiner. Ray gets 7 more points in this total mess.

Steiner begins getting a table out as we see Anderson driving a Hummer to ringside. He’s wearing all black, complete with cargo pants and combat boots. I guess this was who was walking around backstage, and not Jeff Hardy. At least, not this time. Anderson pushes Steiner off the apron through the table. Anderson pulls out a chain wallet and begins hitting Gunner with it. Gunner’s bleeding all over the place. Definitely a family show, Hogan. Anderson picks up Gunner and Steiner, holds their heads for Blubber to see as he makes stupid faces.

Mickie James is yelling about how mad she is about losing to Winter. Get this broad some cue cards, please. She says she’s coming after Winter next week, and that she’s going to hurt Winter and take back the Knockouts Championship.

More Eric Young “fun”. He’s still looking for Scott Baio. Who did Scott Baio piss off to get blackmailed into doing this? Young drives up to a golf course. He’s taking only the oh-so-valuable TV title with him, leaving the old world title behind. He spots Baio hitting some drives. Scott Baio sees him. Eric Young takes his shirt off, leading to a stupid chase that would cause Benny Hill to roll over in his grave. Young jumps on Baio from a tree and counts a pin for himself. We still get the “See More at ImpactWrestling.com” message on the screen. There’s MORE of this? NOOOOO!

MATCH 5-Crimson vs. World Champion Kurt Angle (non-title)
Angle appears to be weighing in at around 95 pounds. He seriously looks ill. Guess someone told Crimson it was pointless to have that name if you’re going to be blonde and wear white gear, as he’s got red gear on and a bad red dye job tonight. They start with a tie-up, but Crimson throws Angle off. They do the same spot a second time. Stupide dueling chants from the crowd, only they can’t seem to figure out what to cheer. Angle goes for a waist lock, but Crimson elbows out. Crimson throws Angle into the corner and gets in some corner shots. Back elbow off an Irish whip. Crimson locks Angle in a cravat, hits a couple of knees and lands a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Taz is still trying to convince us Angle will be in the next Olympics. Outside the ring, Crimson slams Angle into the apron before throwing him back in. Angle reverses a corner whip and hits a chop block on Crimson’s bad leg. Commercial.

Back from the break with Angle hitting a suplex for 2. Angle locks in a modified abdominal stretch. He turns this into a side headlock. Crimson tries to throw him off into an Irish whip, but Angle hangs onto the move. They do the spot again, with the same results. Crimson is successful on the third try, and connects with a jumping shoulder block, knocking them both down. Angle goes for a clothesline, but runs right into a t-bone suplex from Crimson for 2. Crimson goes for a swinging side slam, but Angle reverses into a German suplex. Crimson no-sells this and hits a really sloppy spear for 2. Angle returns the no-sell and kicks Crimson’s knee a couple of times before cinching in the ankle lock. Crimson turns it over and kicks Angle away. Angle gets back up and goes for the Angle Slam, but Crimson rolls out and hits the Red Sky for 2. Samoa Joe immediately runs in and attacks Crimson, leading to the disqualification.

WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Crimson. Well, he’s still undefeated. Big surprise.

Joe makes an angry face at the camera before staring at Kurt Angle. Angle backs off and basically tells Joe to keep doing his thing. After a couple stomps, Joe picks Crimson up on his shoulder, but Crimson fights out of it, causing Joe to run away. Was there a point to this segment?

Mike Tenay and Taz continue to talk and hype next week, which means you know something else will be happening before this show ends.

Backstage, Crimson is yelling about Samoa Joe, challenging him to a match next week. Joe runs in and slams Crimson into the wall of a trailer. He puts Crimson’s leg on the stairs to the trailer and breaks a board over it. Joe then kicks the camera man.

End of show.

As for the show, it was great…if you love lots of talking and the botching of the most basic of moves.

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 07-21-11 – A Message From Madison Rayne

July 21, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Madison Rayne doesn't like our TNA columnistWelcome back everyone. Before we get into this week’s recap/rant, I have a little story I’d like to share with you. Last week in my recap of Impact Wrestling, during the knockouts match between Tara and Madison Rayne, I made several comments about Rayne discussing my overall distaste for her. It was nothing horribly offensive or vulgar, yet it apparently hit a nerve with Miss Rayne herself. Apparently, she reads my columns on CamelClutchBlog.com, and sent me a response to last week’s column on Twitter. Here is that comment verbatim from Madison Rayne (www.twitter.com/RayneLane):

@XDustinEFLX You sir, are a d*ckhead. Get a real job. =) that’s all!

Well, Jokes on Rayne: I don’t get paid for this and have a real job. A real suck job, mind you, but a real job nonetheless. Anyway, I did respond to Rayne in kind on Twitter. I won’t repeat that response here; however, I will say that fellow wrestling writer and friend Malcolm Spinedi (www.twitter.com/NotintheMiddle) told me I should have told her that she should work for a real wrestling federation first. Good line. Anyway, I wasn’t going to pick on Rayne anymore than normal until I received this feedback (my first piece of feedback/criticism/hatred from a TV wrestling personality, BTW). Now that I know I make Madison Rayne mad, I will have to make sure to go out of my way to pick on her every week. Sorry, but that’s the rule. It’s science.

Now, onto this week’s broadcast. We start the show with the brand new TNA Wrestling World Champion, Sting. Nothing against Sting, but this is the reason why no one takes Impact Wrestling seriously. Every time they put the belt on someone new or newer to the main event scene, it doesn’t take long before the belt goes right back to Sting. Sting’s in the ring cutting a stupid promo in the Joker voice that he’s really terrible at. Sting says there won’t be an easy or hard way, and we’re doing things Stings’ way instead.

This promo is total nonsense, BTW. He says he wants to do an interview with Hogan and Bischoff. Instead, someone in a clown mask (Kurt Angle) comes down the ring. He rips the mask off and, surprise, it’s Kurt Angle. Kurt reminds Sting that he was the one who helped Sting out last week. Kurt says that, while Sting is trying to save the company for Dixie Carter, he’s run into a speed bump shaped like Kurt Angle. Angle says they will meet at “Hardcore Justice”, and that he and Sting are legends in wrestling, and only one can walk out the better man. Sting continues his Joker crap before Bully Ray and Mr. Anderson walk out. Huhboy, this is going to be a long night.

Blubber Ray tells us that Angle and Sting will have to learn to work together, because it’s them vs. Ray and Anderson. Ray says he didn’t like Kurt hitting him in the ab with a baseball bat, and that he will hit Kurt with a kitchen sink. Anderson makes fun of Sting’s face and refers to Kurt as Sting’s “butt buddy”. I hope GLAAD is watching this. Anderson says before Sting worries about anyone else including Dixie, he has to deal with Anderson first. He then calls Sting “beyotch”. How old is Anderson again?

MATCH 1-BFG Series Match: Scott Steiner vs. Rob Van Dam
Steiner’s chest looks a deflated balloon. BTW-steroids only work if you still continue to work out each muscle group in the gym. Rob Van Dam‘s horrible music hits, and he’s got some bandages over his right eye. Steiner attacks RVD before the bell. Steiner gets some shots in and a back elbow. Man, that tattoo sucks. Overhead belly-to-belly suplex by Steiner gets 2. Steiner puts RVD in the tree of woe and steps on his throat. Not only does Steiner have no chest, but he’s got horrible distended belly going on. Steiner puts RVD in a version of the standing surfboard. RVD gets out, but gets thrown in the corner followed by some shots. RVD floats over a corner whip and hits a jumping side kick. Punches by RVD followed by a kick to the face. Leaping side kick from the top sends Steiner to the outside. RVD guts Steiner on the guardrail, and hits a spinning legdrop from the ring apron. Back in the ring and Steiner calls for time out, but no go. Corner whip by RVD, but Steiner counters with the boot and the spinning belly-to-belly for 2. Corner whip by Steiner, but RVD responds with a spinning heel kick and Rolling Thunder for 2. Steiner gets up and crotches RVD on top rope and hits a suspended reverse STO. Not a bad move, actually. RVD breaks the fall by getting his foot on the bottom rope. Steiner’s looking for a clothesline and hits it, followed by the posing elbow drop and push-ups. Steiner begins arguing with the ref for no reason, which allows RVD to get the schoolboy for the 3.

WINNER: Rob Van Dam, which gets him 7 points, putting him in 4th place. I think it’s time for Steiner to hang it up, as most of his offense in this match was punches and kicks.

We see TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne walking to the ring. Hmm? Really? Oh. I’m being told in my invisible earpiece that the champion is actually Mickie James, and that she’s the one walking to the ring. Huh! Guess you learn something new every day.

Mickie James comes out. Seriously, who told her she could sing? She asks Velvet Sky to come to the ring. She does. Riveting television right here. Mickie James is trying to pull off some pseudo-50′s look tonight. It’s not working. James tells Velvet that she’s seen everyone take all of their frustrations out on Velvet for months. James proceeds with the pointless butt-kissing and tells Velvet she’s proud to give Velvet her first one-one-one title match tonight. They hug, and Mickie continues the pandering and says they will tear the roof off the Impact Zone. Somehow, I doubt it. Mickie James says she’s walking into the match as champion and will walk out as well. This leads to Winter’s awful music playing. Her and her walking stick she calls

Angelina Love come to ringside. Angelina tells Mickie and Velvet they just need to go get a hotel room together. Angelina says that she completely understands everything Winter’s done to her, and that the rest of the knockouts all share total disrespect for her because she’s the 5-time champion. She says she’s never been given her dues (despite, you know, the five title reigns), and that none of the other knockouts on her level. She says that it doesn’t matter who wins tonight, because the belts her. Winter, with all of the acting ability of a rock, proceeds to rant about approximately nothing, and then says she’s going to win the title, and it will belong to her and Angelina. Velvet and Mickie James then hold hands for some reason.

Backstage, Rosita and Sarita attack Tara and Miss Tessmacher. I guess they have a match tonight or something.
BTW-the remakes for “Conan” and “Fright Night” look offensively terrible.

Back from commercials, and the brawl between the non-Mexican Mexicans and Tara and Tessmacher is continuing. Now, Madison Rayne jumps into the picture and does nothing but scream. At least she’s going with her strong suit here.

Now we get comments from the 4 participants in tonight’s ladder match. Joe says there’s no reason he should have zero points tonight. Except for the fact that, you know, he hasn’t won any matches. Matt Morgan says he’s going to get 10 points tonight, and begins nonsensically raising his voice in the middle of the promo. Gunner rambles on about A.J. Styles and then says he’ll be champion. A.J. also says he’s going to win, but then Christopher Daniels walks into frame and proceeds to talk just quietly enough so the camera can’t pick up the audio. Styles slams the door in the cameraman’s face.

Mike Tenay tells us to watch this “very special video”. It’s a very dark video of Tara, Tessy, Sarita and Rosita fighting in a parking lot. Apparently, Sarita had her jaw and orbital bones broken and needs to wear a protective mask now.

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MATCH 2-Knockouts Tag Team Championship: Tara and Miss Tessmacher vs. Knockouts Tag Team Champions Rosita and Sarita
Tara and Tessy wait for the champs off at the top of the ramp. Sarita is wearing a mask that looks exactly like Abyss’. The bell finally rings after some brawling, and now they’re all brawling in the ring. The champs kick Tara out, but get double-clotheslined by Tessy. Sarita’s looking chunky tonight. Earl Hebner finally gets Sarita out of the ring, so Tessy and Rosita are legal. Sarita tags in, and Taz refers to the champs as “hot little jackals”. Never found jackals to be hot. The champs tag in and out, doing nothing more than slaps for about a minute. Tessy kicks Rosita in the gut, but gets nothing. Tessy reverses out of a corner whip and hits a clothesline. She tries to tag in not-Victoria, but Sarita kicks Tara back out. Rosita tags Sarita back in. They hit Tessy with a very sloppy double-flapjack and Sarita gets 2. Tara gets in the ring and drags Tessy to their corner. She tags in and hits some forearms. Tara goes for the Widow’s Peak on Sarita, but Madison Rayne comes in and headbutts Tara in the stomach behind the ref’s back, allowing Sarita to get 2. Tessy gets a tornado bulldog on Sarita while Tara simultaneously hits the Spider’s Web on Rosita. Tara hits Sarita with a tree slam while Tessy botches a roll-up on Rosita, and Tara gets the 3.

WINNERS AND NEW CHAMPIONS: Tara and Miss Tessmacher. This might matter if the Knockouts tag titles meant a single damn thing. Meanwhile, was there any point at all in Madison Rayne’s involvement in this match? She didn’t do a single thing worthwhile. Even after headbutting Tara, she disappeared from the equation. Don’t get me wrong-the less of her on my TV, the better (especially with HD); but if that’s all she’s going to do, why cart her out in the first place?

Just in case we weren’t sure, the contract for this next match has the amount of points it is worth in giant numbers and letters written on it.

MATCH 3-Four-way ladder match for 10 BFG Series points: A.J. Styles vs. Samoa Joe vs. Matt Morgan vs. Gunner
Joe should probably drop the “Samoan Submission Machine” nickname. When was the last time a submission hold was successful in helping him win a match? You know, even as generic as all of TNA entrance “videos” are, Gunner’s has to be THE most generic. Pretty fitting, I guess. Joe and Morgan brawl in the ring while Styles and Gunner are brawling on the outside. Gunner gets a ladder on the ring apron and then hotshots Styles into it. Joe then dropkicks it into Gunner’s face. Morgan and Joe fight over the ladder, then hit Gunner with it. Morgan punches Joe, then slides the ladder into the ring. A.J. gets in the ring. Morgan attempts a chokeslam, but Styles backflips out of it and kicks Morgan a few times. Gunner channels Tully Blanchard with a slingshot suplex on Styles, then hits Joe and Morgan with a ladder. Styles throws Gunner back out. Morgan tries to throw Styles into the ladder. Styles runs up and jumps off into a crossbody, but Morgan catches him with a fall-away slam. Joe hits Morgan with a running senton. Gunner’s back in and tries an Irish whip on Joe, but Joe keeps running and jumps onto Morgan on the outside. Styles punchs Gunner off the ladder. Joe knocks off Styles, but eats a Pele. Joe hits a corner uranage on Styles, but takes a running knee from Top Gun himself. Morgan hits the Carbon Footprint on Top Gun, and now Morgan’s climbing the ladder. He grabs the contract, and it’s over.

WINNER: Matt Morgan. Morgan gets 10 points and climbs to 2nd place in the series. This match was okay but was far too rushed to be such an overbooked mess. Ladder matches should really have a minimum of 15 minutes. I think this one last less than 10.

Eric Young is in front of a mini-mart, talking about how he’s going to beat up a bunch of random celebrities. He walks in and says that he sees his first opponent, Cee-Lo Green. It’s actually D-Lo Brown that’s in the min-mart. D-Lo, looking fatter than holy hell, tells Eric this isn’t a road he wants to go down, and that he’s going back to work. Young rolls him up as he walks away and counts his own pin. D-Lo chases him out of the mini-mart and then does his old stupid headshake.

MATCH 4-X-Division Championship: Alex Shelley vs. X-Division Champion Brian Kendrick
Kendrick misses a dropkick, and Shelley gets a weird roll-up for 2. Shelley gets a unique small package for another 2. Shelley and Kendrick trade wastelocks, and Shelley gets yet another unique roll-up for 2. Shelley gets a knee and a chop, reverses a chop into an armdrag, but runs right into a single-leg dropkick. Kendrick goes for Sliced Bread #2, but Shelley kicks him away. Shelley tries the same move, but Kendrick escapes. Shelley gets a bow and arrow lock on Kendrick, but Kendrick floats out for a 1-count. Shelley misses a baseball slide to the outside. Kendrick charges but eats a kick. Shelley with a top rope crossbody for 2. He tries to get the pin two more times, but no luck. Shelley goes back up, but Kendrick connects with a dropkick off the dive. Shelley gets some forearms in, but Kendrick responds with one of his own, followed by a big boot and another single-leg dropkick that sends Shelley outside. Kendrick connects with the suicide dive. Kendrick tries a splash from up top back in the ring, but Shelley gets his knees up. Both guys on the apron now, and Shelley hits Sliced Bread #2 on the ring apron. Pretty damn cool move, if you ask me. Shelley throws him back in, but Austin Aries appears out of nowhere and clocks Shelley with the title belt. Kendrick crawls over and gets the 3.

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Brian Kendrick. Not a bad match, but far from the best I’ve seen out of these two. Meanwhile, Aries is still on the outside, doing a creepy pose on the floor.

Backstage, Kendrick is telling the anonymous camera man he didn’t know that Aries was outside during the match. Kendrick then rambles incoherently. That’s apparently the theme for all the promos tonight.

We get another Mexican-America promo. Anarquia is rambling about Sarita getting her face broken. Oh, and that protective face mask she’s wearing? It’s about as protective as Rey Mysterio’s. Now Anarquia is complaining about where their flag is. He says that, when they get pissed off, they kick ass. They must not be pissed off very often. He then says they want Beer Money.

The tag champs now come out. James Storm looks like a complete tool with his painted cowboy hat and “Beer Hunter” shirt. Anarquia proceeds to ramble in fake Spanish. James Storm tells him to shut up and leave the ring, as well as the company. He tells them to find something they’re good at, like cutting grass. Because racism=comedy. Storm threatens to make him eat a cowboy boot. Hopefully with hollandaise sauce. Storm then says everyone has forgotten about them. At least he admits it. He tells us how bad Bobby Roode is in an incoherent way (again, it’s the theme tonight).

James Storm says he’s as American as they come after listing off a bunch of things he is that I hate (except for Johnny Cash). Storm calls Mexican-America’s act BS, and that they will get their title shot at Hardcore Justice. He then says they’re going to wake up the morning after the PPV with their green cards shoved up their asses. Apparently, Storm didn’t get the memo that Hernandez was born in Texas and Anarquia was born in California, thus negating the need for green cards. Again, racism=comedy.

Up next, the horse-faced Knockouts Champion (not Madison Rayne) vs. “Talentless Eye Candy” Velvet Sky

You know, I’m trying to be as objective as I can with this company, but they are making it so very, very difficult.

How can anyone feel sympathy for Dixie Carter in this stupid storyline? The woman signed away her company without reading the contract. It’s her own fault for being so stupid.

MATCH 5-Knockouts Championship: Knockouts Champion Mickie James vs. Velvet Sky
Before Velvet Sky is even out, Winter and her doggy chew toy attack James. Velvet comes in with a bunch of kicks. Mickie is also looking nice and pudgy tonight. Her, Sarita and Samoa Joe must be on the same non-diet. Velvet and James continue to attack Winter and Angelina Love. ODB and Jackie come into the ring from the crowd and attack the faces. Dear lord, ODB appears to have had her breasts enlarged again. Winter and Love stand by and watch this, while Traci Brooks, fresh from the corn field where she works a second job as an implausibly large-breasted scarecrow, runs into the ring to save the faces. The amount of silicone and plastic surgery that’s in the ring is probably more costly than Kurt Angle’s entire contract. Jackie beats up the security guards, as does ODB. The knockouts all continue to brawl pointlessly. ODB throws a skate shoe while her and Jackie continue to beat up security. I’m really at a loss here. Some fake cops then come in to arrest ODB and Jackie. You would think that, for realism’s sake, they would have been ringside about 10-15 minutes ago. Oh, and the title match? It’s completely scrapped for the evening.

Backstage (WRESTLING MATTERS!!!!!), and we see Velvet Sky and Traci Brooks. Traci is sticking up for Velvet, whether she has a contract or not. Velvet calls her baby. And…that’s about it, really.

MATCH 6-Alien Frat Boys (Blubber Ray and Special Agent Jim Rave) vs. Kurt Angle and World Champion Heath Ledger’s Corpse
Anderson starts his microphone schtick, but Blubber tells him to knock it off and not give people what they want. Anderson ignores him and continues to do it. You know, I really don’t want to know the people who want Anderson to do his microphone bit. It’s annoying and pointless. It’s not clever, and hasn’t been for about 6 years.

“The Insane Icon” comes out, and now I’m really irritated. Sting’s whole bit, including that atrocious nickname just makes me physically ill. Blubber and Sting start off. Anderson tags in, and chokes Sting. Anderson with a back elbow and a 2-count. Anderson tags in Ray, who does his jumping punch, followed by a bodyslam and a 2. Ray with another 2 off an elbow. Ray now has Sting in a neck vice and tags Anderson back in. Anderson starts attacking Sting’s leg and gets another 2. Ray is back in and hits a jumping axe handle and a bodyslam. Ray goes for the middle rope senton that he always does yet Tenay says is rare for Ray, but misses. Angle tags in and hits the German suplexes made famous by that guy who never existed. Ray with a chop block on Angle, but Sting throws him out. Stinger Splash on Anderson, who then takes the Angle Slam for 3.

WINNERS: Kurt Angle and Sting. Yet another short, overbooked mess this evening. Complimented the nonsense promo theme well. The faces shake each other’s hand. Angle pulls Sting in, and Sting says, “Have I gone too far, or not far enough?” Um…yeah.

End of show.

You know, I would love nothing more than to support TNA and thus support mainstream wrestling in the U.S. on a whole, but with shows like tonight’s episode, it’s damn near impossible. Even the X-Division title match, which should have been impossible to screw up, was lousy. You have two of your best talents face each other, and instead of giving them a sold 10 minutes or so, you give them less than 5 minutes and tell the champion to use a lot of generic offense. Sigh.

Full TNA Impact Wrestling July 21 Results
Rob Van Dam defeated Scott Steiner
Miss Tessmacher and Tara defeated Sarita and Rosita to win the TNA Knockouts Tag Titles
Mickie James vs. Velvet Sky ended in a no contest
Matt Morgan beat AJ Styles, Gunner, and Samoa Joe in a ladder match for 10 Bound For Glory Series points
Kurt Angle and Sting defeated Bully Ray and Ken Anderson

As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com, where I have plenty of new stuff up, including a look at my tattoo collection, for those of you that like body art. Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:

Gerri Davis Banner, NPC National Level Heavyweight and Masters Female Bodybuilder

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

-Dustin

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 06-30-11 – A Lack of Impact

June 30, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Sting wrestled Scott Steiner on ImpactHello, everyone. Welcome to my first time recapping TN-Impact. While some of you might have noticed my sarcasm in my Smackdown! recap last week, strap in, because you’re in for an even bumpier ride this time around. Why will I be so hard on this show compared to others? Well, let’s be honest. Have you ever SEEN an episode of this show before? Okay, that’s what I thought. Now that we are clear with each other and you know what to expect, let’s get on with this train wreck.

We start the show with Hulk Hogan and Scott Steiner in the back. Apparently, Steiner is the new member of Immortal. Hogan praises Steiner for a minute or so before hearing Sting’s voice. We see Sting cutting a promo on a monitor backstage, and he’s basically just talking about how he’s going to get Hogan while doing the stupid Joker voice. This leads Hogan to come out to the ring.

BTW, the entrance “videos” TNA Wrestling-pact uses are terrible and cheesy. Hogan begins talking about how he can’t believe Sting’s turned into such a coward. He somehow segues this into World Champion Mr. Anderson, who comes out to the ring, complete with his Battle Dome title belt. On a side note, Anderson has completely made the word “a**hole” worthless. Hogan tells Anderson he needs Hogan as badly as Hogan needs him, and when Anderson has to face Sting at the PPV, he can either join Hogan’s Orange Goblins (aka Immortal) or face psycho Sting by himself. Anderson responds by discussing his cockiness. Okay. This promo seems to have no end in sight, as it’s already gone on for 8 minutes. Hogan tells Anderson that we can’t have Sting running around the company, and that Anderson joining the Goblins equals money and ratings. Anderson says he doesn’t care about Hogan or Bischoff, and that he plans on taking Sting on by himself.

Just then, we see Sting beating up Steiner, Bully Ray and Abyss in the back. The lights go out, and when they come on, Sting’s in the ring with a bat. He takes out Hogan and chases Anderson off. He continues to attack Hogan, and there seems to be a jar of protein in the corner for whatever reason. Sting begins talking about how he was a Hogan mark back in the day (as if Hogan needs another person to do so), and this promo seems to have no rhyme or reason to it. Sting grabs the protein, which is apparently a giant jar of vitamins, and he’s shoving them in Hogan’s mouth. This is a rather homoerotic visual, I have to tell you. Sting then locks Hogan in the scorpion death lock, but you can tell Sting’s not putting any force into due to Hogan being crippled.

We are now joined by Ray, Steiner, Abyss and Gunner. Yes, Gunner. Anyone else think Steiner kind of looks like Johnny Bravo? Ray calls Sting a wannabe and a nobody. Talk about the pot and the kettle. Bully Ray says he can’t stand bullies. Ray then challenges Sting to a match for tonight, and then Hogan says he’s going to wipe the smile off of Sting’s face. He better bring a heavy duty washcloth.

Mike Tenay reminds us approximately 1000 times that tonight’s show has limited commercials thanks to 5-Hour Energy. I sell 5-Hour Energy at my store. It’s garbage. We learn that Crimson, Gunner and James Storm picked up more points for the “Bound For Glory” series at house shows, as well as A.J. Styles. Crimson is in the lead at 17. Gunner will battle A.J. Styles in the series again, and Devon will face Samoa Joe. Now, 20 minutes in, because “Wrestling Matters”, we get our first match (but not before the first commercial break).

MATCH #1-Blades of Glory Series Match: Devon vs. Samoa Joe
You know why Samoa Joe loses all the time? Because he wears shoes. It’s science. Neither Joe nor Devon have any points yet, so the winner gets on the board with this match (not that either have a chance of winning the series). They trade holds for a few seconds, and Joe almost immediately goes for the Kokina Clutch, but is too close to the ropes. Devon gets Joe into the corner and starts punching, but Joe reverses and kicks Devon’s head off. Joe with a knee and is now punching Devon in the corner, followed by the Face Wash.

Devon’s back up with a spear and some clotheslines, reverses a whip into a spinning back elbow, uranage, headbutt and some more clotheslines. Kick out at 2 by Joe. Joe hits a leg lariat off the middle rope and then locks in a leg grapevine, but Devon gets the ropes again. Joe’s looking for a submission to get more points and locks in a key lock, but Devon’s in the ropes again. Apparently, Joe doesn’t realize where the ropes are. Joe back to the arm with a jujigatame, but no go. Joe catches Devon off the top with another kick and tries the clutch again, but Devon rolls out. He catches Joe in a standing uranage, and somehow, this is enough to get the three.

WINNER: Devon. Devon gets on the board with 7 points, while Joe is still at 0. Okay match. Longer than your average Impact fare, that’s for sure.

We go to the back where Pope is in the back with Devon’s kids, celebrating.

Back into another part, and we see Steiner yelling at Ray, Gunner and Abyss. Gotta love Steiner promos. Seriously, someone needs to give him and The Iron Sheik their own reality show stat. I’d recap what they are saying, but all you really need to know is Ray and Steiner are yelling nonsensically at each other.

Back to another part of the building, and Kazarian is telling Joe he’s too good to be sucking this badly. Joe calls him Tony Robbins. Joe calls everyone in Fortune “b*tches”. That’s really about it for that segment.

We get a recap of the X-Division Series, where Austin Aries and Zima Ion (ugh) have qualified, and tonight, Low-Ki, Matt Bentley and Jimmy Yang will be in the match tonight. Apparently, Jimmy Yang is doing the horrible “Flying Elvis” gimmick again.

MATCH #2-X-Division Series Qualifying Round: Matt Bentley vs. Jimmy Yang vs. Low-Ki

Bentley looks a little “special” without hair. So much for that retirement from wrestling, I guess. I’m picking Low-Ki to win this match, but I have a feeling that he’ll wind up being misused by this company once again. 3-Ways are hard to recap, so I’ll do my best. Yang is wrestling in the full jump suit. Ki with a cross body on Bentley for 2, but eats a kick to the head from Yang almost immediately. Yang lands another kick in the corner, and off the top with a cross body for another 2. Bentley back in (looking chubby, BTW), and he throws Yang out, who tries to skin the cat, but Ki is thrown into him by Bentley, leading to another nearfall. Bentley gets 2 off an elbow, and now we go to restholds. Tenay needs to shut the hell up about the limited commercials.

Ki is back out off a clothesline, followed by Bentley, followed by Yang who hits a very nice diving cross body to the outside (although he botched the landing). Yang and Ki back in to more restholds. Ki answers some knees with a crucifix, but another kick by Yang gets 2. Ki fires off some kicks of his own, and then hits a double stomp on Yang out of a sunset flip attempt. Ki hits the Tidal Crush on Bentlet and tries for a pin, but only gets 2. He goes back to Yang, who fires off yet more kicks. Bentley hits a really sloppy DDT/ace crusher combo on both guys before dropping Ki with a superkick for another 2. Bentley’s up top and tries a cross body on Yang, who turns it into a over-the-knee gutbuster. Yang misses Yang Time, but Ki lands the Warrior’s Way on Yang for the pin.

WINNER: Low-Ki. Solid match, but there were far too many kicks for my taste. That, and you can tell that Matt Bentley hasn’t been in the ring in a while. He’s looking pudgy, and he botched some basic moves that he shouldn’t have.

We listen to some of the X-Division guys talk about the upcoming Destination X PPV, including Kurt Angle, because nothing says X-Division like that nutcase. And where did Tenay lose all of his credibility?

Okay, apparently, the challenge Bully Ray made to Sting earlier was for him to face Steiner. Not sure when that changed, but alright.

We are then “treated” to a promo starring Madison Rayne, Winter and Angelina Love, who is apparently gotten over her zombie-ness. These three will wrestle Tara, Mickie James and Miss Tessmacher in a 6-knockout match later. Can we say workrate? Angelina Love starts rambling about how her relationship with Winter is no longer “synthetic” (whatever that means), and I can’t pay very close attention here because Angelina Love’s lack of body is making me nauseous. She could use a sandwich or ten.

Does Spike TV have a contract that states all of their original programming must be atrocious?

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We then see Kazarian and Samoa Joe in a bar. Kazarian makes a crack about how Joe found the bar, and has had no trouble finding Wendy’s. He’s right. Joe beats up Kazarian all over the bar, the same way he did to Crimson a few weeks ago. Not sure the point of these segments.

Hogan’s in the back, taping his hands up, rambling about beating up Sting. Yeah, okay.

MATCH #3-6-Knockouts Tag Team Match: Angelina Love, Winter and Madison Rayne vs. Miss Tessmacher, Tara and Knockouts Champion Mickie James

Winter’s music is appalling. I would rather hear the death rattle of my only child than have to listen to that music. Madison Rayne being from the same home town as me makes me sad. On top of that, you can barely tell the difference between her and Mickie James anymore. Not exactly sure what Tessmacher’s gimmick is supposed to be at this point, and I’d tell you what my nickname for Mickie James is, but it’s not appropriate here. Taz is rambling about all the hot chicks in the ring. Where?

The “match” starts off with James and Winter. Stupid hair whip that every woman does by James, followed by a Thesz press that has Lou rolling around in his grave. Angelina Love is in, and she’s apparently had 16 more boob jobs since last week. Now Tessmacher’s in, and she does what she does best-nothing. Tenay informs us this is an elimination match. Since when? Winter back in with a chinlock on Tessy, who gives Winter a stinkface. Winter lands a northern lights suplex and the 3.

Tessy is eliminated.

Tara in with her stupid standing moonsault, which gets 2. Winter picks Tara up in a fireman’s carry, and Love hits Tara in the face with the Botox Injection. Rayne tags in and gets the 3.

Tara is eliminated.

Rayne eats a Mick Kick while Love and Winter stare and do nothing. Mickie gets the 3.

Rayne is eliminated.

Love and Winter now double-team Mickie with punches and go for the Botox combo again, but Mickie reverses into a roll-up for 2. Mickie takes a backbreaker from winter, and then Love’s inverted DDT/lung blower move. She starts to go for the pin, but her and Winter start arguing over who’s going to do it. Mickie’s back up and hits her hurricanrana out of the corner on Winter, followed by a hangman’s neckbreaker on Love for 3.

Love is eliminated.

Mickie hits the standing tornado DDT on Winter, and this match is over.

WINNERS: Mickie James, Tara and Miss Tessmacher. This match was a mess. There was just no science to it, with the Knockouts title taking a backseat to the Winter crap. I guess this whole thing with Winter and Angelina has mostly been dropped, with Love getting over her drug addiction at a miraculous rate of just a week.

Gunner is in the back talking about how he and A.J. Styles are 1 and 1 in Blades of Glory matches, and that he’s the number 1 guy in the company and will prove it after he beats A.J. again tonight. He talks about proving to everyone that he will be world champion and a main eventer. Nothing screams main event more than a name like “Gunner”.

I don’t think I want to know the type of person who is excited about playing the Impact Wrestling fantasy game.

Another promo segment with Brian Kendrick and Abyss because, you know, “Wrestling Matters”. Kendrick’s doing his spiritual leader bit, while Abyss is rambling on about The Art Of War again.

Mike Tenay is STILL rambling on about the “limited commercials”. We’re now doing a contract signing segment with Daniels and A.J. Styles. Why? Oh, and Daniels now has his worst theme music yet. Listening to Taz and Tenay argue about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING is giving me a migraine. Nothing against Daniels and Styles, but did their non-title, semi-meaningless match at Destination X really require a contract signing bit?

Daniels says this match is about nothing else except the X-Division, and A.J. agrees. Daniels says there’s no better match to headline the PPV than Daniels/Styles, and for once, I actually agree with something on this show. They both sign the contract, and Jeremy “Toolbox” Borash announces is official. Out of nowhere, Jerry Lynn begins heading to the ring as Borash leaves. On a side note, I’ve met everyone in the ring right now (all great guys, BTW). Lynn then says that he’s sick of hearing guys argue about who built the division, and that the division is supposed to be about the wrestling.

Now, Rob Van Dam makes his way to the ring to his terrible music. He tells us all he’s the “Whole F’n Show”, in case we had forgotten that. He says he was X-Division before there was an X-Division. Lynn reminds RVD who feuded with him for a year, and who the “New F’n Show” is. Since Lynn and RVD will also be facing each other at the PPV, Daniels comes up with the idea of a 4-corners match involving all four of them next week. They all agree, so that will happen next week.

Lynn is still better than most guys half his age.

Gunner comes to ringside from nowhere and begins attacking Styles. A.J. gets the upper hand, and his match with Gunner will start now.

MATCH #4-Blades Of Glory Series: A.J. Styles vs. Goose
A.J. starts on offense with kicks and punches, followed by a jumping knee and a back suplex. He backs Goose into the corner, but eats a running knee as Iceman gets on the highway to the danger zone. Tom Cruise goes for a powerbomb, but A.J. reverses into a Pele and a dropkick sensds that guy from E.R. out of the ring. Alright, I’m out of Top Gun references for now. A.J. hits a flip dive on the outside. Back in the ring and A.J. eats a clothesline. Gunner’s got a little blood trickling from his left eye. He picks up A.J. for the Mr. Pibb (what I’m calling his version of the F-5), but A.J. kicks out of it. A.J. goes to the outside for a top rope move, but Gunner kicks the ropes as A.J. comes back in. He picks up A.J., lands the Mr. Pibb, and this one is over.

WINNER: Gunner, who earns 7 points and takes the lead in the series over Lance Sackless with 21 points. To the 5 of you that get that reference, kudos.

Dear god, I didn’t notice it before, but during this entire show, there has been a graphic in the upper left corner that says “Limited Commercial Interruption”.

Red Jump Suit Apparatus are horrible. It’s fitting they’d be featured on Impact Wrestling.

In case we’ve forgotten, Taz reminds us all that Impact Wrestling is presented with “Limited Commercial Interruption” by 5-Hour Energy.

We get a recap of all the nonsense going on between ODB, Jackie and Velvet Sky. It’s drivel.

Velvet Sky begins talking about how she is used to being bullied and blah, blah, blah. Tons of promos=”Wrestling Matters”. Apparently, Velvet Sky isn’t weak anymore, and that she has a handicap match against ODB and Jackie, where if ODB and Jackie lose, they’re gone from TN-er, Impact Wrestling. That will happen next week, and Velvet will lose. We will also see the 4-corners match next week, as well as Lance Sackless vs. Bobby Robert Roode.

No! We have to listen to Hernandez talk again?! Fortunately, he cuts it short and hands the mic to Anarquia, who is only slightly better than Hernandez. No one in this group is a full-blown Mexican, BTW. He rambles on about how they are not criminals, and why they can’t be in the BFG series, and how they’ve beaten everyone in the company (even though, you know, they’ve hardly beat anyone). I’d be pissed if I was one of the people in the audience who had seats across from the hard camera, as the giant Mexican flag hangs down the entire time Mexican America are in the ring.

The British Invasion come down to the ring, and Magnus mentions how they are also foreigners in the U.S., and how they are proud of how they are living in the U.S. I guess they just became faces now. Magnus says he doesn’t like people who come to another country and expect everything handed to them, and that Mexican America hasn’t earned anything. He says they have yet to beat the British Invasion, and that it won’t happen either. He asks for a tag team match to determine the real #1 contenders to the tag titles, and that Anarquia and Hernandez need to be men and leave the girls at home. He then calls the girls “los prostitutos”, and I’m inclined to agree. This leads to a brawl between the teams, which leads Big Roid Terry to come out. I guess he’s saving his former pseudo-countrymen and reforming with them, despite the fact that he’s from Wales.

Great. A segment with Karen and Jeff Jarrett. Jeff is like that can of Diet Shasta Orange in the vending machine at a roach motel that no one wants. The can is ancient, and the vending machine guy won’t replace it because he’s either too lazy or deep down, is really hoping someone will buy it one day. Basically, they talk about how they are in Mexico and will be back soon. For those that don’t know, Jeff Jarrett pissed off an entire nation of wrestling fans and won the AAA Mega Championship.

Back to Orlando and Abyss is pretending to read his book again. You know, a few weeks back, he was looking at that book and had it open on camera. You know what was inside? I kid you not, it was full of hand-written cue cards. All of a sudden, Abyss begins looking for his mask, which has apparently vanished. He starts to flip out about his mask as Gunner tries to calm him down.

MATCH #5-”Big Poppa Pump” Johnny Bravo vs. Sting Ledger
We start with Bloated Ken Doll doing the fancy introductions, but Johnny Bravo is having none of that. Spinning belly-to-belly gets 2. Bravo’s chest is almost concave at this point. He hits a clothesline and a posing elbow before going into push-ups. Because nothing says “strong” like an exercise that even the weakest child can do. Bravo’s dominating, and I think it’s because Little Suzy isn’t out here to distract him.

Sting Ledger gets a boot up in the corner and begins hitting weak chops and a facebuster for 2. Sting hits the Stinger Splash, but Steiner catches him in a reverse STO for 2. Steiner goes for the Steiner Recliner, but Sting reverses it into the death lock. Steiner catches the ropes and gets a thumb to the eyes. T-Bone Suplex, and both are down. I’m mad we didn’t get a real Steiner promo tonight. Sting gets a kick to the back, Scorpion Death Drop, and this one’s over.

WINNER: The dead movie star.

Sting pulls out another mini bottle of paint. Why in the hell did he have paint in his tights? Blubber Ray runs down to the ring, but eats some clotheslines and a Stinger Splash. Mr. Anderson comes in and hits the sloppiest Mic Check you’ve ever seen. Seriously, Anderson sucks a fat one. The Orange Goblins are now double-teaming Sting, and neither of them seem to know how to put on a submission hold. Blubber begins yelling for Hogan. Hogan gingerly walks to the ring and starts hitting Sting with some old man punches. He grabs Sting’s bat, which cause Kurt Nutjob to run into the ring and get the heels out of there. End of show.

This has definitely been more fun than the Friday Night Smackdown! recap. So much more raw sewage-I mean, material, to work with.

Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.

TNA Impact Wrestling 6/30/11 Match Results…
Bound for Glory Series: Devon defeated Samoa Joe
Bound for Glory Series: Gunner pinned AJ Styles
In an X-Division tournament bout, Low Ki defeated Matt Bentley and Jimmy Yang
Mickie James, Tara & Miss Tessmacher defeated Madison Rayne, Winter & Angelina Love
Sting pinned Scott Steiner


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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 06-23-11

June 24, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Sting vs. Abyss in a non-title matchTNA Impact Wrestling continued Thursday night with more of the same from last week: the Bound for Glory Series trudging on, Sting rubbing facepaint on someone, and an X Division Triple Threat match. Surprisingly, as good as all these things were last week, this time around all three left you wanting way more as a wrestling fan.

The night ended with a flattering main event of Sting vs. Abyss in a non-title match. This was the result of Sting coming out to address Eric Bischoff’s claim of treason at the beginning of the show, to which Sting replied with a loony, Joker like monologue and subsequent Stinger signature moves and facepaint exploits. And is it me or is Sting looking like a Juggalo more and more with that smile design?

Abyss finally took to his character and started reading The Art of War book midmatch, which propelled him to take out a utility glove wrapped in barbed wire. Abyss went to use it on Sting, but Sting, somehow being the faster of the two, sidestepped the attacked and hit the Scorpion Death Drop for a pin attempt. Clearly frustrated, Sting took the glove and knocked Abyss over the head with it, splitting him open. Current champion Mr. Anderson comes out to have a stare down with Sting as Sting continues to beat Abyss over the head with “Glove Janice.” I really thought this match was going to stink up the joint but the clever use of Abyss’ character made it somewhat intriguing.

The Bound for Glory Series part of the show kicked off with several updates from house shows, including Gunner getting the pinfall upset on AJ Styles up in Canada. I understand you have to hold a large chunk of these matches at house shows, but at this time it seems that Gunner and AJ Styles would be one to feature at an Impact or pay-per-view. Gunner’s monster surge up the card continues and I still consider Styles the poster child of the company. This makes all the less sense considering the match we did get on Impact was Bully Ray versus Scott Steiner.

I think Ray and Steiner did okay with what they were working with, but this was still a rough match to watch. I had no idea one of Steiner’s signature moves was a “Steiner-line,” which just happens to be nothing but a clothesline. The worst part was whenever Steiner tried to hit easy moves like a belly-to-belly or armdrag toss on Ray. On the belly-to-belly, it looked like Steiner’s back was finally going to cave in, and on the armdrag Ray must have only cleared an ample two feet off the ground. Eventually, Ray accidentally bumped the ref, leading to Steiner getting distracted and Ray clotheslining his padlock chain over Steiner’s throat for the win. Steiner would later flip out backstage, swinging the padlock at members of Immortal before Ray offered him a spot in the group (perhaps to replace Matt Hardy). Steiner threw the chain and said he’d think about it.

The second BFG Series match was even more confusing with its booking and stipulation. Beer Money faced the patchwork face team of Matt Morgan and Crimson in a tag match, so you would think that whichever team won, the result would be both guys getting the points. Not so fast, my friend! Only the guy who scores the pin or submission gets the points, which seems totally unfair for all parties involved. Just like that, each of the four wrestler’s chances are cut in half, unless the off chance that all 12 guys will eventually compete in a match like this. On paper, this should have been a four corners match, because the obvious strategy of letting your tag partner get worn down and somehow tagging in to clean house and win was never utilized.

Robert Roode closed the match by attempting his armbar finisher on Crimson, causing to Matt Morgan to come in and make the save, deliver the Carbon Footprint to Roode and score the pin. James Storm was knocked out on the outside during all of this, so at least that made sense, but I don’t remember any sort of tag between Morgan and Crimson. I will give the writers credit for unpredictability here-I would have expected Roode or Crimson to get the 7 points before Morgan, who now tops the leader board with 14 points.

Impact hosted another X Division Triple Threat match to qualify another high flyer into a 3-way dance at Destination X. Unlike last week, we saw three entirely new wrestlers to the company: Xema Ion, the bulky Pacific Islander, Federico Palacios, the skinny guy who looked like a mid-90′s European Hardy Boy, and Dakota Darsow, the pretty boy and second generation wrestler. Darsow received the most promising promo and was the only one who got a televised entrance, so Impact was really trying hard to put this guy over as the guy to beat.

Unfortunately at least two of these wrestlers probably have to crawl back to the Indys whence they came. Xema went for a corkscrew dive off the top rope to the outside, but actually motioned Palacios and Darsow to come closer. Even with that gesture Xema only hit one guy and didn’t hit him cleanly, resulting in a flying leg thudding into the head and neck area. Ouch. Botch Central continued as I believe it was Xema again who messed up and jumped way late from the top rope to stop a pin attempt down below. The poor referee actually had to blatantly freeze his three count as to wait for Xema to land, even though the announcers played it off as a clean pin break. Perhaps Xema was extra nervous because he had been booked to win-the curly haired Islander pushed Darsow off the top rope and hit him with the clean 450 Splash for the pin. Expect Austin Aries to run circles around this kid.

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The Knockouts portion of the show was pretty bountiful, kicking off with Miss Tessmacher and Velvet Sky doing their best Extreme Expose impressions and fighting Jackie and ODB in what devolved into a brawl. Miss Tessmacher may be a looker, but last night her very brief mic work was the least threatening use of the phrase “bring it, b*tches!” I’ve ever heard in my life. Impact is also really pushing across the whole ODB and Jackie don’t have contracts so they have to fight in the ring but don’t get ramp and entrance music privileges. I guess that’s TNA’s version of dental coverage or something.

Even though Velvet told us that management told her the match was to be by the books, half of it took place outside the ring, and really only came to a head when Tessmacher and ODB cleared the ring, leaving Jackie to punt Velvet in the groin for the win. Really, you’re putting Jackie over here? I really want to know what Velvet did to deserve such a shameful run. In an unrelated backstage incident, Tara came across Madison and jettisoned her into a wall. That’s right, Velvet and Madison…back of the line with ya. This is the era of late 90′s Divas.

Winter squared off against Knockouts champ Mickie James in a non-title Street Fight, which also took a turn for the creative worse and quickly became some 12-year-old’s fantasy as Winter repeatedly whipped Mickie with a leather belt, all as senior referee Earl Hebner watched helplessly. I mean, I’m sure he could have stepped in a bit more, but I’m more than sure he was thinking, “man, I used to ref  WWF title matches in front of 50,000 plus at pay-per-views…”

Mickie mounted a comeback when she nailed a beautiful Lou Thesz Press off a ramp riser, parlaying that into a flying top rope drop kick. However, Angelina Love came in when Hebner was distracted and hit Mickie with a modified neck/back breaker, allowing Winter the easy pin. Winter has still yet to impress me in the ring, but it looks as if she’s next in line to challenge Mickie for her belt at the PPV.

We had an AJ Styles sighting, but it was merely a promo announcing that Destination X would be an X Division exclusive PPV and all matches would take place in the old 6-sided ring. Samoa Joe came out and challenged AJ to a match at Destination X, but was interrupted by Christopher Daniels, who also challenged AJ. I believe the possibility of the 3-way was clear as day, but AJ and Daniels agreed to a match, leaving Joe out of the fold. Huh?

There was also a Rob Van Dam backstage sighting with Jerry Lynn, who I hope doesn’t show up to wrestle any time soon. Dude looked washed up and haggard back in the original ECW run.

We also received a little more clarity to the Jeff Jarrett finishing street fight angle from last week. I guess it’s happening-Eric Bischoff is sending Jarrett down to Mexico to make the company more international. I love the possibility here-it’s a great way to get stale guys down to AAA in Mexico and bring some new faces up at the same time. However, points docked for Jarrett saying more than one time that last night was the start of the BFG Series. What, did he miss the RVD and Samoa Joe match?

VERDICT. Absolutely nothing stood out in this show, except perhaps the company’s obvious attempt to shoehorn more Knockouts programs into the fold. The Bound For Glory Series matches were dull and confusing, leaving fans no option but to cheer a heel Steiner and boo Matt Morgan and the potential LeBron James of TNA, Crimson. And that X Division match actually made me cringe and question just how successful a pay-per-view Destination X will be. Unless this all ends in Abyss competing in Ultimate X, considering me apathetic to the 6-sided venture. 3/10

Finally, I should note that my contract with Camel Clutch Blog Wrestling expires tonight. Fret not, though, because having won the CCB TV Title in a triple threat cage match against Justin Henry and Eric Darsie last month means I’ll be back, more focused and angrier and TNA-ier than ever. I am taking the belt with me, though. Consider this the Summer of Panther Joe.

TNA Impact Wrestling 6/23/11 Match Results
BFG Series. Bully Ray def. Scott Steiner, pinfall, 7 points
Jackie and ODB def. Velvet Sky and Miss Tessmacher, pinfall
BFG Series. Matt Morgan and Crimson def. Beer Money, pinfall, Morgan awarded 7 points
Xema Ion def. Federico Palacios and Dakota Darsow, X Division Triple Threat, pinfall
Winter def. Mickie James, non-title match, pinfall
Abyss def. Sting, DQ

Joe Leininger lives in Gainesville, FL and writes for The Playing Field and Destigeddon.

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 06-16-11

June 17, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

anderson vs. gunnerImpact Wrestling was quite explosive Thursday night as upsets were abound, new faces were featured, and plans for future pay-per-views were unfurled, including next month’s TNA Destination X and Fall’s Bound For Glory.

Thursday marked the start of Mr. Anderson‘s second reign as World Heavyweight champion, and the opening segment featured him coming out to a ring adorned like a high school kegger (more on that theme later). He called it his “A$%hole Championship Reception” and no one showed up to celebrate except the uninvited Immortal hitman Gunner. Because he helped take out Sting last week on Anderson’s behalf, Gunner wanted return payment of one title shot, which Anderson replied in kind with a pitcher of apparently strychnine and fiber glass laced beer. Seriously, it looked like all he did was splash beer in his face and Gunner’s eyebrow and nose looked like they were on the receiving end of Cain Velasquez hammer fists.

Needless to say, this opened the door for a match later that night, just not a title match. As much as I thought the whole Rob Van Dam/Mr. Anderson/Sting series was pretty weak because it lacked a strong heel, I’m starting to love the writing of this current heel vs. heel series. Eric Bischoff clearly stated that he wouldn’t call off the suddenly pushed Gunner because Anderson refused to join Immortal. It may rub wrestling traditionalists the wrong way, but I like when there is a gray area and that’s probably why Anderson has been able to battle both sides so convincingly.

The match itself was okay and neither guy really showed us anything special—in fact, I dare say that Anderson looks a bit out of shape, especially for a World champion. Spoilers be damned, I was reading and listening to a few takes of the raw result of this match and how it makes no sense for a mid-card guy to pin the World champ but this ending was great. After Anderson took clear control, he actually called for the microphone mid-match, announced himself as TNA’s champion, went to pick up Gunner but Gunner quickly reversed and hit his fireman’s carry facebuster for the upset win on the champ.

I know when you compare him next to the booking of titans like John Cena and Randy Orton, it may seem silly that Anderson lose while champion, but the idea that the title holder is beatable and just had a bad night, or has become too cocky for his own good, is progressive and appreciated from fans who want different things in their squared circle.

Anderson’s clearly not a huge guy—he’s more of a class clown who outsmarts his enemies, but not this time. Gunner actually wasn’t bad on the mic this week and got a chance to cut his first real promo, but I’m just not sure fans will buy into him being outwitted by Eric Young just weeks ago for the TV title and now being pushed to the front of the Immortal line. Bully Ray must have really pissed someone off.

In huge PPV news, TNA announced their Bound For Glory series, which on paper sounds amazing. In a nutshell, the BFG series goes like this: 12 TNA wrestlers will all wrestle each other in a round robin format across all venues…PPV’s, Impact, Xplosion, live tour events, and each match’s outcome gives that wrestler so many points (10 for submission, 7 for pin, 3 for DQ win, -10 for DQ loss, etc.). These matches can be tag team matches, triple threat affairs, steel cage matches, but at the end of the series, the top four in points standings move on to some sort of four corners match at No Surrender, the PPV before Bound For Glory. The twelve competitors are: Rob Van Dam, AJ Styles, Gunner, Robert Roode, James Storm, Bully Ray, Crimson, Matt Morgan, Samoa Joe, Devon, Scott Steiner, and The Pope.

This seems like a fun, unique way to get all the guys involved and carry the program through the dog days of summer. As a sports nerd, I love anything with standings and this almost has a fantasy game feel to it. I do like how the format is not too stringent, because do we really need to see James Storm and The Pope in a singles match on Impact or a PPV? The points system is a little weird…minus 10 points for someone interfering in your match? That should allow for some breezy writing.

Handicapping the field, I think I can almost eliminate Devon, James Storm, The Pope right away. Crimson, Bully Ray, Matt Morgan, and Scott Steiner are good dark horses, but I wouldn’t make that bet. That leaves, RVD, AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Gunner, and Robert Roode, who is looking more and more like a singles competitor by the hour. I’d say it’s a good bet that three of those five make it to the final four.

The first match in the BFG series saw Rob Van Dam best Samoa Joe with the Five Star Frog Splash. Nothing was too exciting from the RVD camp, but Joe went all out and did a suicide dive through the ropes on his opponent. Impressive stuff, but RVD still won and captured seven points.

Pertaining to the more recent future, Destination X is coming back next month and TNA promises to bring back a bunch of ex-employees for the gimmick PPV. How nice of them, don’t ya think? It was also announced that the entire PPV would happen inside the old 6-sided ring. Personally, I can’t really stand the hexagon but then again I never watched TNA with much conviction when they had the odd looking ring. On paper, it gets the old guard excited again, so the changeup is welcome in my household.

The first match leading into Destination X featured three guys I believe I’ve never seen before—Kid Kash, Jimmy Rave, and Austin Aries. Their high flying exhibition prevented you from looking away and was easily the most exciting match of the night. Rave looked to be the most technically sound and Aries had a nasty double suicide dive to the floor, but either way it looked like both were a cut above Kid Kash. Coming off as a bit clunky, Kash’s moves were slow developing, including his backflip off the top rope to the floor where both Aries and Rave were waiting for several seconds. Aries eventually hit a series of nasty kicks on Rave before finishing him off with the brainbuster for the win. Based on that match alone I hope they give Aries or Rave that X Division money left vacant by the released Jay Lethal.

In case you missed Slammiversary Sunday night, the Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett feud was supposed to end but that mess flared up again the very next event because while Angle was announcing that he’s training for a 2012 US Olympic run on the wrestling team, Jarrett came out to challenge Angle to one last fight. What?! Fortunately, Angle called Jarrett out on the same crap and said he had no honor by continuing the feud, which Angle clearly won and ended. Regardless, Angle accepted the parking lot fight, with odd stipulations about Angle taking back his kids and Jarrett moving to Mexico if he lost. Seriously. I can’t make that up.

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In what was straight from a high school coming of age film, Angle and Jarrett brawled in the parking lot around a circle of peers, at night, with headlights lighting up the fighting space. I seriously thought I was watching a modern adaptation of The Outsiders or something. Angle pretty much destroyed Jarrett in what devolved into an MMA style fight, even though Jarrett did hit his Stroke finisher at one point. Kurt started choking him out with a shirt, Jeff mumbled something and the fight was over. There appeared to be no definite winner..again, so expect this series to prolong.

Rosita and Sarita defended their Knockout Tag titles against Velvet Sky and Miss Tessmacher in what ended up being a thankfully busy night for Mexican America. I like the team of Velvet and Tessmacher, who could reform Beautiful People, because it’s a bleak, bleak time in TNA without money making factions like the Beautiful People and Beer Money. Hernandez and Anarquia were quickly thrown out by ref, leaving us with a par for the course Knockouts match which saw Sarita and Tessmacher with very similar outfits, which seemed like a bad wardrobe snafu.

Eventually, TNA wants us to think that Velvet has OCD because ODB appeared in the crowd, causing Velvet to completely lose focus and chase after her, leaving Tessmacher to get dominated and pinned by Rosita. Afterward, ODB and a black woman from the crowd, later announced as a returning Jackie, jumped Velvet and beat up male security guards. Cool security, Impact Zone.

Hernandez and Devon opened up the wrestling portion of the program. I thought I would have nothing to say about this match but Devon hit a spectacular spear on a jumping Hernandez that I’m calling the move of the night. Even though we haven’t seen much of the former Team 3D member, Devon looked particularly jacked for this match, so hopefully management rewards him with some sort of fruitful mid-card program. In a lame finish, Mexican America runs in for interference, ending the match and causing The Pope to come out and help Devon to standing cheers. Now Pope is a face again? What the hell is going on out there?! You should only be allowed two turns every two years, but Pope pulls the old 180 on the same schedule you change out your Brita filter. Really weak—I hope he goes 0-for in the BFG series.

Sting continued his cries for Hulk Hogan to turn back to his old ways and showed him he was serious by yelling random crap about “Stinger’s not done!” and smearing Hulk’s face in snapdragon facepaint. I guess this is what happens when you lose your title but still have months to go on your contract.

Eric Young was creeping around backstage asking guys to wrestle him for this TV title. Or wrestle for him…it wasn’t clear what the dude was asking. Eventually, he caught up with Austin Aries being interviewed after his match, but “wrestled” the unsuspecting interviewer and had Aries count the three for the win. While not one of his finer comedic performances, Young is still killing it with his 70′s and 80′s TV show references…”I’m coming for you, Scott Baio!”

Scott Steiner and Bully Ray cut promos against each other for next week’s BFG series match, including Steiner hilariously ranting about Ray wanting donuts, sugar, and burgers. It was amusing seeing a steroid-ridden, chain link wearing, sun glasses sporting man yell “I AIN’T GOT NO SUGAR!!” but your mileage may very. Once again, a match featuring an Immortal member against a non-Immortal heel will strengthen the field as a whole and make future results more unpredictable. On a side note, I always loved the idea of a guy innocently cutting a promo and then for no other reason the crew goes over to the other guy and says, “hey, look what he said” and causes the reaction promo. Such trouble makers, those cameramen.

VERDICT. Six decent matches tonight if you count the Sharks vs. Jets showdown in the parking lot between Angle and Jarrett a match. This was one of the more original, well thought out and tightly executed Impacts in a while. Anderson may not gotten off to an extremely rocky start as champ, but the stage has been set and I would think it would be hard to screw up foolproof plans of a Bound For Glory series and the setup for fan favorite Destination X. Even if half the performers tonight were from the B-Team, it was still an exciting show. 9/10

Full Impact Wrestling Match Results
Devon def. Hernandez, Interference DQ
Austin Aries def. Kid Kash and Jimmy Rave in a Triple Threat, pinfall
Sarita and Rosita def. Velvet Sky and Miss Tessmacher, pinfall
Rob Van Dam def. Samoa Joe, pinfall
Gunner def. Mr. Anderson in a non-title match, pinfall
Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett brawled to a no decision


Joe Leininger lives in Gainesville, FL and writes for The Playing Field and Destigeddon.

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TNA Slammiversary 2011 Results – Anderson Wins Gold, Angle Bests Jarrett

June 13, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Mr. Ken Anderson won the TNA championship at SlammiversaryI really thought Slammiversary had the makings of an instant classic, but thanks to continued head-scratchers like having your world title match not be the main event, TNA remains in a post Lockdown mini-slump. And to think I missed an NBA Finals clincher because of this nonsense.

Sting’s last PPV bout with Rob Van Dam exceeded expectations, so I had similar feelings towards a bout with Mr. Anderson, who bless his heart is genuinely trying to be the bad guy despite management fumbling with his psychology. When they started running previews for the title match and Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett still hadn’t fought yet I was surprised in that now I was almost positive that Sting was walking away champion.

Mr. Anderson came out and cut a long microphone intro which was interrupted by a creepy, more sinister looking face painted Sting. From there, the two brawled outside and in the stands, which quickly became annoying because any lack of Falls Count Anywhere type of rules, but a “logical” explanation from Mike Tenay that the ref was just being extra lenient tonight. In what was quickly turning into a clone of the RVD-Sting match from last month, the match luckily came back into the ring after seven or so minutes.

From here things got a little weird as Eric Bischoff came out looking to distract Sting. After Sting kicked out of a Mic Check, he thwarted Anderson’s offense and hit him with a Scorpion Death Drop. The ref counted two, looked over at Bischoff and actually shooed him away, slammed his arm down for a third count, but got up and said the count wasn’t completed. Bischoff then ran interference again, allowing Anderson to hit a Mic Check and score the pin, winning the TNA World Title for the second time this year.

While the Anderson win was surprising, this match was unbelievably awkward to watch. From the moment Bischoff arrived you could see every offensive move from both guys a mile away, and it just seemed that whoever scored the pin was the guy who won the coin toss backstage before the match. And the 3-count snafu was just unbearable—not only did referee Jackson James count to three, but the decision was never held up and TNA ran at least five or six replays of the clear three count. The fans in the arena hated the ending as much as the approximate tens of thousands watching at home…but wait, there was still one more match.

With emerging super heel Anderson as champion, it almost became elementary that Kurt Angle was going to win, no matter what. Cool booking, guys. They also found a clever way to shoe in Karen Jarrett into the program, with a via satellite look in at her home right before the match. Initially, I thought that Karen was just being pushed aside for once, but it turns out her absence from tapings is for post breast augmentation recovery. Really, Karen, who are you trying to impress still?

Although the Angle and Jarrett matches have been good this year, there wasn’t much else they could do to finish on top, so in comes old reliable, the referee bump. Brian Hebner was run into by Angle, causing a break in the match allowing Jarrett to obliterate Kurt’s head with a baby blue colored guitar. Jarrett proceeded to motion someone ringside, which I found odd considering that a ref answered his call, not another wrestler.

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Other than that move, Jarrett was the better performer tonight and his character did well to verbally break down Angle while finding new ways to fall prey to the Ankle Lock. And go figure, the first time in the match that Angle grapevines his submission is when Jarrett taps. The match ended suddenly with no fanfare, and just like that we have a new Mr. Anderson and Kurt Angle main event to dwell on.

While both of those matches read like bogeys, the Slammiversary MVP goes to The Phenomenal One, AJ Styles and his Last Man Standing match over Bully Ray. Despite Christy Hemme jinxing the guy and introducing him from the wrong city, Styles completely stole the show and carried Bully Ray through a match that will probably end up as a top ten for the year. My only issue with these Last Man Standing matches is the really early endurance checks, sometimes five minutes in the match. Come on, guys, if this match really ends because a guy can’t get up after a couple minutes worth of bumps, did you even think they deserved to be in the match to begin with? Not all wrestling fans are dullards.

The first great moment was AJ’s “thank you sir, may I have another?” reception of repeated open palmed chest slaps from Ray. The fans ate this up and only started to kick off the most well received match of the night. Shortly after, Ray hit AJ with a huge punch that sent him reeling backwards, a motion you might see from a disorientated, about to be knocked out UFC fighter. In what should have come off as hokey, the maneuver added that much more personality to the match and AJ was the right man for the job.

After Ray was split open from a chained fist shot, Styles got a running start and leaped off the entrance stage, hitting his forearm on Ray in what was quite the long jump. He would later outdo himself when he set Ray up on a table, climbed a set tower and hit an atomic elbow from easily 25 feet up in the air. Both guys were being counted when Ray mustered his last strength and kicked Styles, propelling him through the side of the ramp, allowing Ray to answer the ten count and win the match. As I predicted, Ray took a beating but still strengthened his resume, while Styles’ credibility will almost never take a hit, allowing for an easier resolution to this match.

In X Division Title action, Abyss defended the belt against Brian Kendrick and Kazarian. Mike Tenay and Taz really hyped the 2-on-1 aspect of this match and boy, that’s what we got. Abyss had a great monster moment early on when he no sold and no caught Kendrick’s cross body attempt, allowing Kendrick’s body to just fall to mat, limp and disappointed. Eventually, Abyss singled out both guys and the match quickly escalated into a true triple threat, which Abyss used to his advantage.

This match was going great until Abyss just pulled Kendrick out of the ring and covered Kaz for the win with no finisher or anything. He totally had time for a Black Hole Slam or something, but for whatever reason they made him out to look like an undeserving, vulture champion. This is all the more odd considering that at times Kazarian and Kendrick could barely muster any 2-on-1 offense against the big man, who suddenly looked (pun so intended) immortal.

The Knockouts match came and went as Mickie James defended against Angelina Love, despite Winter trying to interfere a million times throughout. Mickie looked rough in this match, but surprisingly Angelina outclassed her with poignant promos and decent ring psychology. Before the match, Angelina refused the “medicine” from Winter, saying she understands the situation now. Hey Angelina, drugs help you win in life, so buckle down and get back on the juice.

The opening match of the evening saw Gun Money defend their tag belts against a very game British Invasion. In what was a disturbing trend tonight, the losing party looked way better in their match, and the Brits were no exception. Magnus hit a beautiful cradle into overhead slam while Doug Williams threw in some suplexes that somewhat distracted from Alex Shelley’s lethargic performance. Towards the end, James Storm accidentally spewed beer in Shelley’s eyes and Shelley mistakenly hit Storm with the superkick. But after a kickout from Storm, he hit his finisher while Shelley followed it up with a Sliced Bread for the win and title defense.

Crimson kept his undefeated streak alive as he bested Samoa Joe after a surprise sit down powerbomb for the win. Joe carried a good chunk of the offense and really worked Crimson’s knee, slowing the big man considerably. After an entertaining slapping bout, Crimson speared Joe, started to take control and caught him with the deadly powerbomb. After the match, Joe promised that the rivalry was not over. Considering management is extremely hot for Crimson right now, I can totally see this being a foreshadowing to a potential title program down the line.

Scott Steiner showed up tonight but couldn’t overcome Matt Morgan’s sheer size and athleticism. Steiner was on point with this T-Bones and belly-to-belly suplexes, but he went to the well one too many times and Morgan blocked it, boxed his ears with his crushing forearms and set him up for a Carbon Footprint and the winning pinfall. This decision caught me off guard a bit…now what do you do with Steiner?

VERDICT. While there were probably about three and a half good matches here, it didn’t make sense that the World title match would not be the main event and all but kill the suspense of the final showdown between Jarrett and Angle. TNA is mired in a slump right now and this PPV could have been the one to jump start the saga. Consider this: the last show before Sacrifice last month, Impact promised us three blockbuster reveals for their episode. Well, in a matter of three weeks, all of those big surprises, Chris Harris, Chyna, and Mick Foley, are no longer with the company. And with all three, TNA is partially to blame. If you’ve been watching lately you know that these drops weren’t really ever mentioned, either. Wow. TNA has so many story holes right now that they are sweeping some under the rug to make room for others. Not a complete waste of time, but still an abject disappointment. 3/10

Full TNA Slammiversary 2011 Match Results
Gun Money (Champs) def. The British Invasion for the Tag Titles, pinfall
Matt Morgan def. Scott Steiner, pinfall
Abyss (Champ) def. Kazarian and Brian Kendrick for the X Division Title, pinfall
Crimson def. Samoa Joe, pinfall
Mickie James (Champ) def. Angelina Love, pinfall
Bully Ray def. AJ Styles, Last Man Standing
Mr. Anderson def. Sting (Champ) for the World Title, pinfall
Kurt Angle def. Jeff Jarrett for No. 1 Contender spot, submission

Joe Leininger lives in Gainesville, FL and writes for The Playing Field and Destigeddon.

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TNA Slammiversary 2011 Preview & Predictions

June 10, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

TNA Slammiversary 2011 previewAs of Friday morning, ImpactWrestling.com is only showing eight matches listed for the TNA Slammiversary with a “more to be announced” blurb at the bottom. They usually never have more than nine matches on the card, so expect either a Velvet Sky/ODB match to appear, or possibly something with Generation Me or Mexican America.

MATT MORGAN VS. SCOTT STEINER. I’m not sure what management wants to do with either of these guys and maybe it’s better that way. You could justify either guy winning this match, but if the rumors of a new wave of main event guys are true, it would only make sense that a heel Steiner stay on a hot streak. Steiner wins.

CRIMSON VS. SAMOA JOE. Poor Samoa Joe. Caught up in this winning streak that TNA will undoubtedly carry into the Fall. Crimson takes this and I’d bet the farm. Although outside interference from a new Joe adversary would be welcome here, as to kick off a new rivalry and not bury Joe.

BULLY RAY VS. AJ STYLES. Last Man Standing Match. TNA really wants Ray to get over as a monster, and AJ can afford to float around the midcard for a bit longer. I’ve heard rumblings about this being the night that Chris Daniels finally turns his back on Styles, but I’ve got a better heel turn in mind for a later match. Regardless, look for Ray to score a win for Immortal.

ABYSS (CHAMP) VS. BRIAN KENDRICK VS. KAZARIAN. X Division Title. I’m sticking to my guns and saying that Abyss is only a placeholder and will drop the belt. But who takes it? After being completely buried a couple of weeks ago, Fortune needs some credibility, so look for Kaz to pin Abyss and take back the belt.

MICKIE JAMES (CHAMP) VS. ANGELINA LOVE. Knockouts Title. This match should be stellar with all the makings of Winter trying in earnest to assist Angelina in her win. Mickie is prominent, and she can win back the title in a few months, but I think Angelina wins to strengthen the somewhat intriguing saga between her and Winter.

JEFF JARRETT VS. KURT ANGLE. If Kurt loses, he forfeits possession of his Olympic gold medal to Jarrett. They briefly mentioned that this was essentially a number one contender match for the World title and Kurt is in far better position to fight for it at this juncture. In a happy ending, Kurt Angle wins and Karen Jarrett is deported to Colombia.

“GUN MONEY” (CHAMPS) VS. THE BRITISH INVASION. Tag Titles. This all depends on whether you believe Robert Roode is legitimately hurt, which seems to be eluding me at this time. In an effort to shoehorn Alex Shelley in and keep him happy, I’ll say Roode is acting, which means there is more to this story in the future. The British Invasion have absolutely nothing going for them other than that four corners win at TNA Lockdown. Look for James Storm to get back on his feet and pin someone to represent Beer Money.

STING (CHAMP) VS. MR. ANDERSON. World Heavyweight Title. I’m calling Mr. Anderson‘s heelish ways as a witty red herring for Sting to turn and join up with Immortal. Think about it, the Sting farewell tour continues, it gives the company a strong, established, main event bad guy, and sets the stage for what should be a great feud between Kurt Angle and Sting. Sting retains the belt and Anderson begins a feud with someone like AJ Styles, Crimson, or Gunner.

The full TNA Slammiversary 2011 card…
Sting vs. Ken Anderson for the TNA championship
Gun Money vs. British Invasion for the TNA tag team championship
Jeff Jarrett vs. Kurt Angle…The Final Battle
Mickie James vs. Angelina Love for the TNA Knockouts championship
Abyss vs. Brian Kendrick vs. Kazarian for the TNA X-Division championship
Bully Ray vs. AJ Styles in a Last Man Standing Match
Samoa Joe vs. Crimson
Matt Morgan vs. Scott Steiner

Joe Leininger lives in Gainesville, FL and writes for The Playing Field and Destigeddon.

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Impact Wrestling Results & Report 06-09-11

June 10, 2011 By: Category: WWE | Pro Wrestling

Gunner vs. StingIf you missed the last Impact Wrestling before Sunday’s Slammiversary then you didn’t see guys like Gunner and Eric Young featured in the main event. Decided last week, TV Champion Eric Young would buddy up with World Heavyweight Champion Sting against their two current rivals, Gunner and Mr. Anderson.

The match wasn’t anything to write home about, but it was just nice to see some fresh faces in the center stage. After a little back and forth that was surprisingly carried by Sting for the majority, Gunner pushed a distracted Eric Young into Sting, who fell prey to an F5 type maneuver from Gunner for the huge upset victory.

Like it or not, it was a huge risk to have such an undeveloped guy pin your Heavyweight champ. Personally, I’m happy about this – I read a couple of leaks that say that management is looking to push both Gunner and Crimson in this calendar year. I know that Crimson is ready, whose move set, athleticism, and penchant for winning streaks should make him viable. But what about Gunner?

Even if the match was decent, the writing for this program between the four main eventers was suspect at best. During a Mr. Anderson and Gunner backstage look in, Anderson was requesting that Gunner hurt Sting, to which Gunner responded with a well articulated thought. What? For weeks, he was Cro-Magnon, lunatic Gunner who would grip his title belt with his teeth and brawl first, grunt questions later. I believe Gunner is prime for a big push, but TNA will more than likely find a way to make him look bad. Then, the same “smart” fans who whine and complain about all the old geezers hogging the spotlight will hit the forums and say that “Gunner is rushed” or “Gunner is stupid, bring in Carlito!” or “Dixie and Eric and Hulk and Vince need to be thrown in a Mortal Kombat acid pit, boo TNA…”

The Anderson transformation from quasi-asshole to full blown heel has been so forced that it no longer makes his character feel genuine. He randomly threatens other wrestlers and says that he never liked anything Sting stood for. Sting’s whole gimmick from last year was about not trusting authority and deception, which are a lot of the same qualities that make a skeptical, gum smacking Anderson entertaining. Explain that logic to me.

On the other side of the match, you had Sting cut a promo telling Young to “knock off the comedy!” Are they even reading their own storylines anymore? He was conked in the head and is now a lovable three shades Of Mice and Men. After the loss, Sting shoved Young away and didn’t want any part of an apology or anything. Then, to top it all off, Stinger takes a play from the How To Be an Effective Heel playbook, stalks Anderson, assaults him, and covers him in face paint. Perhaps he just snapped, but for a guy who was so adept at sneaking around rafters and messing with people, Sting should have a little more mental resolve than that.

The upsets persisted through the night because earlier on Mexican America defeated the makeshift Tag Title team of James Storm and Alex Shelley. This ended up being a warm-up for Storm and Shelley, who will be defending the belts against The British Invasion at TNA Slammiversary. This match was a whole lot of fun, especially with Magnus on commentary, who was throwing out insults left and right, with a nod to him calling Mexican America “selfish pricks” in a good light.

The team of “Gun Money” dominated early and even combined some of their signature moves, but it wasn’t long before Sarita and Rosita ran interference. James Storm, ever the gentlemen, spewed Beer Money brand beer in Sarita’s face, but this distraction was long enough for Anarquia to regain health and avoid a Shelley superkick that landed square on the jaw of his partner. Anarquia threw Shelley out and covered Storm for the win.

Afterwards, heels butted heads as Mexican America stormed Hulk Hogan‘s office and in a round about way accused management of not giving them the title shot because “they were Mexican!” Hogan proceeded to sternly, but in that classic Hogan inflection, come back with something like “you’re about to call me racist, brother, and I don’t like it!” Come on, guys, Eliminate the Hate.

This wasn’t exactly a groundbreaking moment, but combined with other factors tonight it could be foreshadowing to a potential face turn for the Hulkster. The opening segment saw Sting address Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan, reminding Hulk of his glory days when the fans loved him and he wasn’t inflicted with the cancerous Bischoff. Fans will be quick to call this an all too surreal moment of clarity, because in actuality the company can’t change for the better with both Bischoff and Hogan, but I think it’s just a nod that their characters will probably divorce in the next couple months.

Bully Ray issued an open challenge which was summarily answered by Rob Van Dam. Nothing real memorable happened, but AJ Styles appeared up close in the crowd long enough to distract Ray so RVD could set up his signatures and end with a Five Star Frog Splash for the win. TNA is really trying to ham up Ray’s bullying – he actually chased Christy Hemme from the ring, called her a useless bimbo, and told her that her Playboy cover sucked. Now he’s picking on women, too? I’m calling it right now; we will see a promo soon where he steals a little kid’s lollipop from Universal Studios. Good luck in your match against monster heel, AJ.

ODB and Velvet Sky exchanged pretty funny promos before brawling in their second-to-last match of the evening. ODB continued with her “Velvet is a prissy, made up whore” routine, but then out of nowhere let out a large, guttural “BOOOM!” to no one in particular. Careful, Mrs. B, more stuff like that and you’ll end up on The Soup, but not under the “chicks, man” segment.

Velvet then cut a response wondering why ODB has to be so dirty and telling her “there’s an ointment for that.” I think the real story here was Velvet’s mess of a rug on top of her head. Her skunk curls looked like Medusa got in a fight with Shirley Temple at the Ale House for UFC night. I normally like textured hair, but Velvet needs to stick with the straight locks.

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When their match started it was all ODB, who began brawling outside with Velvet and throwing her into guardrails and steel steps and anything else that was chained down. Looking like yet another depressing Velvet job, she caught ODB with a surprise DDT and barely escaped with the win, landing an approximate four moves of offense. I was kind of hoping for ODB to get up and tell Velvet to “go back to her home on Whore Island!”

In yet another match where a champion was pinned, Madison Rayne ran interference on behalf of Winter and Zombie Angelina Love, causing Angelina to hit Mickie James with a reverse DDT to beat James and Tara. Angelina’s ring psychology was great here, and she actually carried the match, but man was she looking super skinny tonight. I understand her commitment to fitness, but it’s becoming dangerously close to unattractive. Winter should probably woman up, stop feeding her only spiked alcohol and get a Big Montana meal from Arby’s.

My stinker of the night goes to Tara for selling out and being all buddies with Mickie James. Despite your hatred for Madison, you still also hated Mickie James enough to do things like RUN HER OVER WITH YOUR MOTORCYCLE A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO. Tara was lip syncing and dancing to Mickie’s country song like they just came down for breakfast at a slumber party or something. Sure, you can tag together, but have a little more animosity towards each other to make it believable.

The various promos of the night included a halftime in ring war of words between Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett. Honestly, all you had to do was hear what they were saying because it was pretty much the same riffraff you’ve been hearing for the better of two months. Just a way to remind fans that, “hey, yes, we are indeed fighting at Slammiversary!” Jarrett claims that Karen won’t be in attendance Sunday…wait, is TNA wising up to the fact that no one likes Karen? Probably not – she’ll be there.

Don’t forget about the Crimson and Samoa Joe match. Mike Tenay and Taz really hyped this cell phone video of the two guys brawling at what looked to be a sports bar. My money? It was the Chicago Cubs themed Friendly Confines down there in Orlando. I’d brawl a large Samoan man, too, if I had to eat their food and drink their watered down beer again. I’ll give them credit here – it was a quick, somewhat effective, and original way to bridge the gap to their match on Sunday. Although, I don’t know many cellular phones that shoot video in widescreen.

Abyss continued his quest to be the number one fanboy of “The Art of War” by running off quotes and telling Kazarian and Brian Kendrick that he will not destroy the X Division belt, but try to rename it the Extreme Division title instead. In light of semantics this was all a set up for Abyss to challenge both Kendrick and Kaz to a three way for the X Division at Slammiversary.

VERDICT. The matches were all long enough for you to grab on to something and chew a bit, but the writing confused me at times. You have one guy, Sting, who in principle should still be a destructive heel, against fan favorite Mr. Anderson, who is just now realizing that management completely blows? Why take it out on the fans? Some of the other stuff was just loony and had me asking if the past show notes were recently lost in a house fire. But since wrestling matters, and that’s what we saw, I’ll give it a pass. 6/10.

Full Impact Wrestling Match Results
Angelina Love and Winter def. Mickie James and Tara, pinfall
Mexican America def. James Storm and Alex Shelley, pinfall
Rob Van Dam def. Bully Ray, pinfall
Velvet Sky def. ODB, pinfall
Gunner and Mr. Anderson def. Sting and Eric Young, pinfall

Joe Leininger lives in Gainesville, FL and writes for The Playing Field and Destigeddon.

WWE: The Very Best Of WCW Monday Nitro DVD

WWE: Wrestlemania 27 Collector’s Edition DVD

Brock Lesnar’s autobiography – Death Clutch: My Story of Determination, Domination, and Survival

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