Welcome back everyone. Before we get into this week’s recap/rant, I have a little story I’d like to share with you. Last week in my recap of Impact Wrestling, during the knockouts match between Tara and Madison Rayne, I made several comments about Rayne discussing my overall distaste for her. It was nothing horribly offensive or vulgar, yet it apparently hit a nerve with Miss Rayne herself. Apparently, she reads my columns on CamelClutchBlog.com, and sent me a response to last week’s column on Twitter. Here is that comment verbatim from Madison Rayne (www.twitter.com/RayneLane):
“@XDustinEFLX You sir, are a d*ckhead. Get a real job. =) that’s all!”
Well, Jokes on Rayne: I don’t get paid for this and have a real job. A real suck job, mind you, but a real job nonetheless. Anyway, I did respond to Rayne in kind on Twitter. I won’t repeat that response here; however, I will say that fellow wrestling writer and friend Malcolm Spinedi (www.twitter.com/NotintheMiddle) told me I should have told her that she should work for a real wrestling federation first. Good line. Anyway, I wasn’t going to pick on Rayne anymore than normal until I received this feedback (my first piece of feedback/criticism/hatred from a TV wrestling personality, BTW). Now that I know I make Madison Rayne mad, I will have to make sure to go out of my way to pick on her every week. Sorry, but that’s the rule. It’s science.
Now, onto this week’s broadcast. We start the show with the brand new TNA Wrestling World Champion, Sting. Nothing against Sting, but this is the reason why no one takes Impact Wrestling seriously. Every time they put the belt on someone new or newer to the main event scene, it doesn’t take long before the belt goes right back to Sting. Sting’s in the ring cutting a stupid promo in the Joker voice that he’s really terrible at. Sting says there won’t be an easy or hard way, and we’re doing things Stings’ way instead.
This promo is total nonsense, BTW. He says he wants to do an interview with Hogan and Bischoff. Instead, someone in a clown mask (Kurt Angle) comes down the ring. He rips the mask off and, surprise, it’s Kurt Angle. Kurt reminds Sting that he was the one who helped Sting out last week. Kurt says that, while Sting is trying to save the company for Dixie Carter, he’s run into a speed bump shaped like Kurt Angle. Angle says they will meet at “Hardcore Justice”, and that he and Sting are legends in wrestling, and only one can walk out the better man. Sting continues his Joker crap before Bully Ray and Mr. Anderson walk out. Huhboy, this is going to be a long night.
MATCH 1-BFG Series Match: Scott Steiner vs. Rob Van Dam
Steiner’s chest looks a deflated balloon. BTW-steroids only work if you still continue to work out each muscle group in the gym. Rob Van Dam‘s horrible music hits, and he’s got some bandages over his right eye. Steiner attacks RVD before the bell. Steiner gets some shots in and a back elbow. Man, that tattoo sucks. Overhead belly-to-belly suplex by Steiner gets 2. Steiner puts RVD in the tree of woe and steps on his throat. Not only does Steiner have no chest, but he’s got horrible distended belly going on. Steiner puts RVD in a version of the standing surfboard. RVD gets out, but gets thrown in the corner followed by some shots. RVD floats over a corner whip and hits a jumping side kick. Punches by RVD followed by a kick to the face. Leaping side kick from the top sends Steiner to the outside. RVD guts Steiner on the guardrail, and hits a spinning legdrop from the ring apron. Back in the ring and Steiner calls for time out, but no go. Corner whip by RVD, but Steiner counters with the boot and the spinning belly-to-belly for 2. Corner whip by Steiner, but RVD responds with a spinning heel kick and Rolling Thunder for 2. Steiner gets up and crotches RVD on top rope and hits a suspended reverse STO. Not a bad move, actually. RVD breaks the fall by getting his foot on the bottom rope. Steiner’s looking for a clothesline and hits it, followed by the posing elbow drop and push-ups. Steiner begins arguing with the ref for no reason, which allows RVD to get the schoolboy for the 3.
WINNER: Rob Van Dam, which gets him 7 points, putting him in 4th place. I think it’s time for Steiner to hang it up, as most of his offense in this match was punches and kicks.
We see TNA Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne walking to the ring. Hmm? Really? Oh. I’m being told in my invisible earpiece that the champion is actually Mickie James, and that she’s the one walking to the ring. Huh! Guess you learn something new every day.
Mickie James comes out. Seriously, who told her she could sing? She asks Velvet Sky to come to the ring. She does. Riveting television right here. Mickie James is trying to pull off some pseudo-50′s look tonight. It’s not working. James tells Velvet that she’s seen everyone take all of their frustrations out on Velvet for months. James proceeds with the pointless butt-kissing and tells Velvet she’s proud to give Velvet her first one-one-one title match tonight. They hug, and Mickie continues the pandering and says they will tear the roof off the Impact Zone. Somehow, I doubt it. Mickie James says she’s walking into the match as champion and will walk out as well. This leads to Winter’s awful music playing. Her and her walking stick she calls
Angelina Love come to ringside. Angelina tells Mickie and Velvet they just need to go get a hotel room together. Angelina says that she completely understands everything Winter’s done to her, and that the rest of the knockouts all share total disrespect for her because she’s the 5-time champion. She says she’s never been given her dues (despite, you know, the five title reigns), and that none of the other knockouts on her level. She says that it doesn’t matter who wins tonight, because the belts her. Winter, with all of the acting ability of a rock, proceeds to rant about approximately nothing, and then says she’s going to win the title, and it will belong to her and Angelina. Velvet and Mickie James then hold hands for some reason.
Backstage, Rosita and Sarita attack Tara and Miss Tessmacher. I guess they have a match tonight or something.
BTW-the remakes for “Conan” and “Fright Night” look offensively terrible.
Back from commercials, and the brawl between the non-Mexican Mexicans and Tara and Tessmacher is continuing. Now, Madison Rayne jumps into the picture and does nothing but scream. At least she’s going with her strong suit here.
Now we get comments from the 4 participants in tonight’s ladder match. Joe says there’s no reason he should have zero points tonight. Except for the fact that, you know, he hasn’t won any matches. Matt Morgan says he’s going to get 10 points tonight, and begins nonsensically raising his voice in the middle of the promo. Gunner rambles on about A.J. Styles and then says he’ll be champion. A.J. also says he’s going to win, but then Christopher Daniels walks into frame and proceeds to talk just quietly enough so the camera can’t pick up the audio. Styles slams the door in the cameraman’s face.
Mike Tenay tells us to watch this “very special video”. It’s a very dark video of Tara, Tessy, Sarita and Rosita fighting in a parking lot. Apparently, Sarita had her jaw and orbital bones broken and needs to wear a protective mask now.
MATCH 2-Knockouts Tag Team Championship: Tara and Miss Tessmacher vs. Knockouts Tag Team Champions Rosita and Sarita
Tara and Tessy wait for the champs off at the top of the ramp. Sarita is wearing a mask that looks exactly like Abyss’. The bell finally rings after some brawling, and now they’re all brawling in the ring. The champs kick Tara out, but get double-clotheslined by Tessy. Sarita’s looking chunky tonight. Earl Hebner finally gets Sarita out of the ring, so Tessy and Rosita are legal. Sarita tags in, and Taz refers to the champs as “hot little jackals”. Never found jackals to be hot. The champs tag in and out, doing nothing more than slaps for about a minute. Tessy kicks Rosita in the gut, but gets nothing. Tessy reverses out of a corner whip and hits a clothesline. She tries to tag in not-Victoria, but Sarita kicks Tara back out. Rosita tags Sarita back in. They hit Tessy with a very sloppy double-flapjack and Sarita gets 2. Tara gets in the ring and drags Tessy to their corner. She tags in and hits some forearms. Tara goes for the Widow’s Peak on Sarita, but Madison Rayne comes in and headbutts Tara in the stomach behind the ref’s back, allowing Sarita to get 2. Tessy gets a tornado bulldog on Sarita while Tara simultaneously hits the Spider’s Web on Rosita. Tara hits Sarita with a tree slam while Tessy botches a roll-up on Rosita, and Tara gets the 3.
WINNERS AND NEW CHAMPIONS: Tara and Miss Tessmacher. This might matter if the Knockouts tag titles meant a single damn thing. Meanwhile, was there any point at all in Madison Rayne’s involvement in this match? She didn’t do a single thing worthwhile. Even after headbutting Tara, she disappeared from the equation. Don’t get me wrong-the less of her on my TV, the better (especially with HD); but if that’s all she’s going to do, why cart her out in the first place?
Just in case we weren’t sure, the contract for this next match has the amount of points it is worth in giant numbers and letters written on it.
MATCH 3-Four-way ladder match for 10 BFG Series points: A.J. Styles vs. Samoa Joe vs. Matt Morgan vs. Gunner
Joe should probably drop the “Samoan Submission Machine” nickname. When was the last time a submission hold was successful in helping him win a match? You know, even as generic as all of TNA entrance “videos” are, Gunner’s has to be THE most generic. Pretty fitting, I guess. Joe and Morgan brawl in the ring while Styles and Gunner are brawling on the outside. Gunner gets a ladder on the ring apron and then hotshots Styles into it. Joe then dropkicks it into Gunner’s face. Morgan and Joe fight over the ladder, then hit Gunner with it. Morgan punches Joe, then slides the ladder into the ring. A.J. gets in the ring. Morgan attempts a chokeslam, but Styles backflips out of it and kicks Morgan a few times. Gunner channels Tully Blanchard with a slingshot suplex on Styles, then hits Joe and Morgan with a ladder. Styles throws Gunner back out. Morgan tries to throw Styles into the ladder. Styles runs up and jumps off into a crossbody, but Morgan catches him with a fall-away slam. Joe hits Morgan with a running senton. Gunner’s back in and tries an Irish whip on Joe, but Joe keeps running and jumps onto Morgan on the outside. Styles punchs Gunner off the ladder. Joe knocks off Styles, but eats a Pele. Joe hits a corner uranage on Styles, but takes a running knee from Top Gun himself. Morgan hits the Carbon Footprint on Top Gun, and now Morgan’s climbing the ladder. He grabs the contract, and it’s over.
WINNER: Matt Morgan. Morgan gets 10 points and climbs to 2nd place in the series. This match was okay but was far too rushed to be such an overbooked mess. Ladder matches should really have a minimum of 15 minutes. I think this one last less than 10.
Eric Young is in front of a mini-mart, talking about how he’s going to beat up a bunch of random celebrities. He walks in and says that he sees his first opponent, Cee-Lo Green. It’s actually D-Lo Brown that’s in the min-mart. D-Lo, looking fatter than holy hell, tells Eric this isn’t a road he wants to go down, and that he’s going back to work. Young rolls him up as he walks away and counts his own pin. D-Lo chases him out of the mini-mart and then does his old stupid headshake.
MATCH 4-X-Division Championship: Alex Shelley vs. X-Division Champion Brian Kendrick
Kendrick misses a dropkick, and Shelley gets a weird roll-up for 2. Shelley gets a unique small package for another 2. Shelley and Kendrick trade wastelocks, and Shelley gets yet another unique roll-up for 2. Shelley gets a knee and a chop, reverses a chop into an armdrag, but runs right into a single-leg dropkick. Kendrick goes for Sliced Bread #2, but Shelley kicks him away. Shelley tries the same move, but Kendrick escapes. Shelley gets a bow and arrow lock on Kendrick, but Kendrick floats out for a 1-count. Shelley misses a baseball slide to the outside. Kendrick charges but eats a kick. Shelley with a top rope crossbody for 2. He tries to get the pin two more times, but no luck. Shelley goes back up, but Kendrick connects with a dropkick off the dive. Shelley gets some forearms in, but Kendrick responds with one of his own, followed by a big boot and another single-leg dropkick that sends Shelley outside. Kendrick connects with the suicide dive. Kendrick tries a splash from up top back in the ring, but Shelley gets his knees up. Both guys on the apron now, and Shelley hits Sliced Bread #2 on the ring apron. Pretty damn cool move, if you ask me. Shelley throws him back in, but Austin Aries appears out of nowhere and clocks Shelley with the title belt. Kendrick crawls over and gets the 3.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Brian Kendrick. Not a bad match, but far from the best I’ve seen out of these two. Meanwhile, Aries is still on the outside, doing a creepy pose on the floor.
Backstage, Kendrick is telling the anonymous camera man he didn’t know that Aries was outside during the match. Kendrick then rambles incoherently. That’s apparently the theme for all the promos tonight.
We get another Mexican-America promo. Anarquia is rambling about Sarita getting her face broken. Oh, and that protective face mask she’s wearing? It’s about as protective as Rey Mysterio’s. Now Anarquia is complaining about where their flag is. He says that, when they get pissed off, they kick ass. They must not be pissed off very often. He then says they want Beer Money.
The tag champs now come out. James Storm looks like a complete tool with his painted cowboy hat and “Beer Hunter” shirt. Anarquia proceeds to ramble in fake Spanish. James Storm tells him to shut up and leave the ring, as well as the company. He tells them to find something they’re good at, like cutting grass. Because racism=comedy. Storm threatens to make him eat a cowboy boot. Hopefully with hollandaise sauce. Storm then says everyone has forgotten about them. At least he admits it. He tells us how bad Bobby Roode is in an incoherent way (again, it’s the theme tonight).
James Storm says he’s as American as they come after listing off a bunch of things he is that I hate (except for Johnny Cash). Storm calls Mexican-America’s act BS, and that they will get their title shot at Hardcore Justice. He then says they’re going to wake up the morning after the PPV with their green cards shoved up their asses. Apparently, Storm didn’t get the memo that Hernandez was born in Texas and Anarquia was born in California, thus negating the need for green cards. Again, racism=comedy.
Up next, the horse-faced Knockouts Champion (not Madison Rayne) vs. “Talentless Eye Candy” Velvet Sky
You know, I’m trying to be as objective as I can with this company, but they are making it so very, very difficult.
How can anyone feel sympathy for Dixie Carter in this stupid storyline? The woman signed away her company without reading the contract. It’s her own fault for being so stupid.
MATCH 5-Knockouts Championship: Knockouts Champion Mickie James vs. Velvet Sky
Before Velvet Sky is even out, Winter and her doggy chew toy attack James. Velvet comes in with a bunch of kicks. Mickie is also looking nice and pudgy tonight. Her, Sarita and Samoa Joe must be on the same non-diet. Velvet and James continue to attack Winter and Angelina Love. ODB and Jackie come into the ring from the crowd and attack the faces. Dear lord, ODB appears to have had her breasts enlarged again. Winter and Love stand by and watch this, while Traci Brooks, fresh from the corn field where she works a second job as an implausibly large-breasted scarecrow, runs into the ring to save the faces. The amount of silicone and plastic surgery that’s in the ring is probably more costly than Kurt Angle’s entire contract. Jackie beats up the security guards, as does ODB. The knockouts all continue to brawl pointlessly. ODB throws a skate shoe while her and Jackie continue to beat up security. I’m really at a loss here. Some fake cops then come in to arrest ODB and Jackie. You would think that, for realism’s sake, they would have been ringside about 10-15 minutes ago. Oh, and the title match? It’s completely scrapped for the evening.
Backstage (WRESTLING MATTERS!!!!!), and we see Velvet Sky and Traci Brooks. Traci is sticking up for Velvet, whether she has a contract or not. Velvet calls her baby. And…that’s about it, really.
MATCH 6-Alien Frat Boys (Blubber Ray and Special Agent Jim Rave) vs. Kurt Angle and World Champion Heath Ledger’s Corpse
Anderson starts his microphone schtick, but Blubber tells him to knock it off and not give people what they want. Anderson ignores him and continues to do it. You know, I really don’t want to know the people who want Anderson to do his microphone bit. It’s annoying and pointless. It’s not clever, and hasn’t been for about 6 years.
WINNERS: Kurt Angle and Sting. Yet another short, overbooked mess this evening. Complimented the nonsense promo theme well. The faces shake each other’s hand. Angle pulls Sting in, and Sting says, “Have I gone too far, or not far enough?” Um…yeah.
End of show.
You know, I would love nothing more than to support TNA and thus support mainstream wrestling in the U.S. on a whole, but with shows like tonight’s episode, it’s damn near impossible. Even the X-Division title match, which should have been impossible to screw up, was lousy. You have two of your best talents face each other, and instead of giving them a sold 10 minutes or so, you give them less than 5 minutes and tell the champion to use a lot of generic offense. Sigh.
Full TNA Impact Wrestling July 21 Results
Rob Van Dam defeated Scott Steiner
Miss Tessmacher and Tara defeated Sarita and Rosita to win the TNA Knockouts Tag Titles
Mickie James vs. Velvet Sky ended in a no contest
Matt Morgan beat AJ Styles, Gunner, and Samoa Joe in a ladder match for 10 Bound For Glory Series points
Kurt Angle and Sting defeated Bully Ray and Ken Anderson
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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.
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