Welcome back to the Impact Wrestling recap for the 8-11-11 TNA Impact Wrestling edition. The show starts off with a recap of Hardcore Justice’s main event which seemingly saw yet another pointless heel turn, this time in Kurt Angle.
Starting off the actual show is the H.O.G.s. Steiner has a new t-shirt on, and dear lord, does it look stupid. Blubber Ray has a “Vince Neil Ink” shirt on. As cool as it sounds. Ray tells Abyss he’s turning into a major disappointment, talking about how A.J. Styles pinned him in the 6-man at the PPV. He tells Abyss he’s on thin ice with Bischoff. Blubber Ray says that there will be a 4-way BFG series match tonight, Ray vs. Steiner vs. Gunner vs. Crimson. He says Crimson’s undefeated streak will end and he’ll get the pinfall. Then the conversation turns to Mr. Anderson. Blubber says it blows his mind that fans like Anderson.
Blows my mind, too, as there’s nothing good about Anderson at all. Ray talks about the match they had at the PPV, saying that Anderson kept coming back after everything Blubber threw at him. Blubber says he underestimated Anderson’s toughness, calls him a tough S.O.B. (what does ‘Save Our Bluths’ have to do with this?) and that he belongs in Immortal, and that the issues between Ray and Anderson are over as far as Ray is concerned. Ray calls himself a better wrestler than Anderson, but that he’s still tough. He offers a handshake to Kenny, who begins laughing at Ray. Anderson won’t shake his hand, and instead chooses to look like a cow chewing a cud. Ray calls Anderson a stupid sonofabitch and a moron for not taking him seriously. Anderson begins to lay in some punches on every member of the H.O.G.s until Abyss clubbers him from behind. Ray’s got the chain wrapped around his hand, and he hits Anderson in the face with it. Anderson is very obviously gigging right now. Steiner calls him a “subab*tch” and punches him, then chokes him with a chair. The security indy wrestlers try to break the fight up, but no luck. Steiner goes back to the choking game. D-Lo Brown, Al Snow and Pat Kenney run in to try and stop the beating, leading to the indy wrestler paramedics to come out and haul Anderson away on a stretcher. Seriously? They are acting like Anderson’s bleeding like a stuck pig, and he has just the tiniest of cuts on his head that has just a tiny trickle of blood coming down.
Back from commercial, and they show Anderson tied to a stretcher with a neck brace on, getting loaded into a meat wagon. Laying it on way too thick here.
In Bischoff’s office, he says to Immortal that he made a mistake and that Anderson was a huge mistake, and that he won’t make that kind of a mistake again. He says both Angle and Hogan are on their way to the “arena”. He then says that he and Abyss need to talk.
MATCH 1-#1 Contenders Match for the Knockouts Title: Madison Rayne vs. Mickie James
Look! It’s my soul mate! Although I’m having a hard time telling which is which here. Like when good Kirk meets bad Kirk, although I’m not sure which is which. I think Rayne is the one wearing camouflage, but it’s hard to see her with the outfit on. Ha! I kill me. Mickie starts with a roll-up as Rayne gets her hair caught in her tiara. She throws her bracelet at James before an eye rake and a kick for 2. Rayne’s grinding Mickie’s face into the mat now, and now goes for what I call the “Taco Twister” before James reverses out into a roll-up for 2. She gets some shots in and a dropkick that featured a pointless spin for 2. Rayne reverses an Irish whip with an elbow, but runs into a flapjack. James up top and gets the Thesz press. She puts Rayne’s tiara on on for some reason. This leads to the standing tornado DDT, and this one’s over.
Kurt Endgame has just shown up to the Impact Zone. Thanks for showing up to work on time, Kurt!
In the ring is Robbie E along with the best thing in TNA, Cookie. Austin Aries is at the commentator’s table for the next match.
MATCH 2: Robbie E (w/Cookie) vs. World X-Division Champion Brian Kendrick (non-title)
While I applaud Kendrick getting new music, that didn’t mean he needed to trade in his normal gear for Hammer pants. Robbie starts off with some stomps. His hair is retarded, even for a “Jersey Shore” parody. Kendrick answers back with forearms, but Robbie continues to lay in shots. Robbie with a chinlock now, but Kendrick fights out of it. He starts to run, but takes a back elbow. Kendrick rolls to the outside and gets a foot choke from Cookie. Now Robbie E and Cookie are fighting for some reason. Kendrick continues to fight back, but with no luck. Robbie goes for a suplex, but Kendrick fights out with forearm shots. He hits a flying forearm and jumping side kick. Kendrick goes for Sliced Bread #2, but Robbie throws him off. Cookie tries to spray Kendrick in the eyes, but he ducks and Robbie takes the spray. Kendrick hits Sliced Bread #2 and gets the win.
WINNER: Brian Kendrick. One of the worst X-Division performances I’ve seen in a long time, unless you truly love watching forearm shots, as this match was loaded with them. Cookie looked damn good, though.
Backstage, Pope and Devon are in the back talking. Devon gives Pope props for winning on Sunday, and he didn’t want to take the BFG points the way Pope wanted him to, which is why he slapped him around. Devon says they are in a tag team match for more points tonight, and that he needs those points. Pope says no problem, but Devon has trust issues.
In the parking lot, Mr. and Mrs. Diet Shasta Orange once again offend an entire country, this time pretending to be Mexican by wearing traditional Spanish garb.
Backstage (WRESTLING….MATTERS!!!!!!), Cookie and Robbie E are getting into a fight. Robbie says he’s had enough and storms off. Cookie says “Peace out, douchebag!”
We then get a recap of the BFG series matches at Hardcore Justice, where D’Angelo Dinero and Crimson earned 7 points a piece in their respective matches. Crimson’s in first place with 43 points with James Storm in 2nd with 33.
MATCH 2-BFG Series 3-Way Tag Team Match: Devon and D’Angelo Dinero vs. World Tag Team Champions Beer Money Inc. (Bobby Roode and James Storm) vs. A.J. Styles and RobVan Dam
Once again, only the guy getting the winning fall gets any points here. Why even do these tag matches then? RVD has his left hand taped up pretty heavily. Christopher Daniels has joined in on commentary. Commercial.
Pope and RVD start. They trade basic moves and RVD gets a 2-count off a body scissors before locking in an arm drag. Styles tags in and bodyslams Pope before hitting the jumping knee for 2. Styles drops some elbows for another 2. Pope hits some shots and Storm gets in a blind tag on Styles. They hit a version of the Hart Attack on Pope. Pope with a back elbow and he tags in Devon. Pope gets a jumping clothesline for Devon to score a 2. Storm boots out of the corner and hits a middle rope European uppercut. Storm tags Roode in while Devon tags in Pope. Roode with a flying forearm and a corner clothesline. Pope boots out of another corner charge, but runs right into a spinebuster. The pin gets broken up by RVD. Storm kicks RVD in the back of the head, and Roode gets a nice DDT in on RVD. Styles with the Superman on Roode. Devon comes in and gives Styles a chokeslam and clears everyone else out. Pope holds Roode for Devon, but Devon misses with a middle rope shoulder block, hitting Pope instead. Storm takes Devon out and Roode hits the payoff on Pope for the 3.
WINNER: Bobby Roode, who scores 7 points and takes 2nd place with 35 points. You want to talk about a clusterf***, this match was it. Matches less than five minutes long should not feature so many wrestlers. Oh, and Christopher Daniels didn’t say word number one during commentary. What the hell was the point of him being there, then?
Up next, Battle Dome Champion Kurt Angle will explain his actions.
Anyone else find it funny that John Cena’s cousin sings Kurt Angle’s Don Henley ripoff entrance theme? Angle’s out with a chair. I’m sure he will just be using it to sit on. I’m sure of it. He thanks everyone for asking him “Why, Kurt, why?” He says he’s truth, justice and the American way, and that’s who he stands for. He has respect for everyone, but anyone who doesn’t respect him in return has a problem. He apologizes to Sting for what he did at the PPV, and that Sting was in the wrong place in the wrong time. Angle says this isn’t about him joining the dark side, but getting his integrity back. That ship has long sailed, Kurt. Apparently, he’s been talking to someone who is close to Karen and Jeff Jarrett who says that all wrestlers are scumbags. He says it wasn’t a wrestler or his ex-wife. Angle says another person was supposed to be looking out for Angle, and the person is Dixie Carter. He says he told Dixie all about Jeff and Karen, and she called him paranoid. Angle says that, to avoid a PR disaster, he took the high road, and Dixie stabbed him in the back, and he needed to eliminate her right hand man, Sting. Angle says he’s going to take all of the young talent in TNA and hurt all of them and send them all home until he’s the only one left, and that as long as he’s in the company, Ditsy will never get her company back. Let’s make sure we keep him around until she’s dead, then.
As Angle’s walking to the back, Sting comes up on Angle’s lift on the stage. He has a bat, which he smacks into Angle’s chair several times until Angle drops it. Hogan comes out with a chair of his own and hits Sting across the back. Hope he didn’t break his hip again on that shot. Angle gets a mic and tells Sting that he’s Angle’s informant, and that payback for Sting and Ditsy.
I had a little trouble with my DVR at this point, so I may have missed something oh so thrilling.
When it comes back, we are about to start a match.
MATCH 3-Jackie and ODB vs. Knockouts Tag Team Champions Miss Tessmacher and Tara (non-title)
Why? We couldn’t possibly get another X-Division match instead of this crap? Ugh. Tessy and Jackie start off. This should be stunning. Tessy starts off with a side headlock. She runs into a shoulder , but hits a dropkick, a hip toss and drop toe hold before getting in a front chancery. Tara tags in and gets a sunset flip for 2. Tara with an arm wringer now. She throws Jackie into her corner, where ODB tags in. Tara with another arm wringer, and she tags in Tessy. ODB with forearms. Tessy reverses a corner whip and does a stinkface, which pisses ODB off. Tessy gets a small package for 2, but eats a clothesline in retaliation. I swear the small package is Tessy’s finisher. Both women tag out, and Tara hits a version of the halo for 2. Jackie boots Tara in the stomach and hits a snap suplex for 2. Jackie throws Tara into her corner and tags in ODB. ODB throws Tara into the corner and hits a couple shoulderblocks to the midsection. She catches Tara in a fall-away slam. ODB climbs to the top, but Tara trips her up and lands a superplex. Both women tag out, and Tessy hits some clothesline on Jackie before whipping her down by the hair.After a miscommunication, Tessy rolls up Jackie with a school boy and gets the 3.
WINNERS: Miss Tessmacher and Tara. This was an even worse clusterf*** than the BFG match. Just rubbish. Is that the theme for tonight?
Up next, we get some kind of “Mexican Endorsement” from the Jarretts. L. Ron Hubbard knows what the hell this is about.
Backstage (WRESTLING…ah, forget it. It really doesn’t matter here), a line of X-Division wrestlers (and some random blonde guy in aviators) are apparently waiting outside Bischoff’s office.
I hate you, Don West. I absolutely hate you.
In Bischoff’s office, he has all of the X-Division wrestlers (and the random blonde guy) in his office. He says that, due to the performances everyone put in at Destination X, the X-Division will now have a weight limit of 225 pounds, meaning Abyss can’t wrestle in the division anymore and next week, the other competitors in the division will have a gauntlet match to determine a new #1 contender to the X-Division championship. Austin Aries walks to Bischoff’s desk and says he doesn’t like anyone anymore than Eric does, and that he will be the one to make the division worthwhile. Bischoff kicks everyone out of his office except Abyss and Austin Aries, saying he wants to talk to Austin.
The Jarretts come out with the hideously defaced AAA Mega Championship. They show him defeating fellow TNA wrestler (that has never wrestled in TNA even once) El Zorro to win the belt. Jarrett begins by mispronouncing “Silencio”. He says that, although they have officially been crowned the king and queen of Mexico, that many still aren’t taking them seriously, and that this is all an act. Jarrett says he took down the entire AAA promotion by himself and renamed his championship the “Immortal World Championship”. Apparently, people have been telling Jarrett he doesn’t completely understand Mexican culture and that he needs to be endorsed by the Mexican people. He lists off a bunch of Mexican cities (and some American ones) that he went to and says that he got endorsed by some guys named Jose and Jos B (get it?), the Lopez brothers. Racism=comedy.
The Lopez brothers comes down, looing confused. They look familiar, but I’m not sure exactly who they are. Jarrett tells Jose that he needs to endorse the Jarretts and that they are truly the king and queen of Mexico. Jose doesn’t speak English, so he doesn’t know what’s going on. The Lopez brothers spot Hector Guerrero at the Spanish announce table and begin cheering him. Jose begins spouting off in Spanish. I don’t speak the language, but even I can tell he was just talking about how much he loves the Guerrero family. Jos B does the same thing. Jarrett punches them both and gets in a few more shots. Have I ever told you how Jarrett’s punches, kicks and elbows all look like crap? They do. Anyway, Hector runs down to the ring with a chair and chases the Jarretts off. This segment was offensive in so many ways.
You know, the only good that could come out of this angle would be that it’s an excuse to finally introduce El Zorro to the TNA audience, as he could look for revenge for his people and get his belt back. Of course, this IS TNA, so bet on Jarrett feuding and having a series of matches with Hector Guerrero instead.
Another segment with Eric Young in his car, which leads to him walking down Sunset Boulevard. He buys a star map off a guy with the old TNA World title belt before taking the belt back. He’s apparently looking for Scott Baio. God, this is terrible.
Backstage, Anderson has just come out of an ambulance with a bunch of blood dried to his head. He’s also limping. He then lets himself into Blubber Ray’s trailer. He grabs Ray’s chain wallet, but gets shoved into some lockers from behind by Gunner. Devon pushes the camera away and says “No witnesses”. Despite, you know, us already seeing them attack Anderson. As the camera’s pushed away, we hear him screaming and the sound of belts smacking a wall with the idea that Anderson is being whipped.
Apparently, main events get a sponsor now, as Jeremy “Bloated Ken Doll” Borash says the main event is sponsored by 5-Hour Energy. Great. Now I know who to blame. According to Borash, Steiner is still at the University of Michigan. He still hasn’t graduated yet? Obviously, the story here is that Crimson is basically in a 3-on-1 match. Expect him to win and remain undefeated. There are tag rules here. Crimson and Ray start off. Ray immediately tags in Tom Cruise. He gets in some shots on Lance Sackless before Lance reverses an Irish whip into an elbow. He gets a back body drop in. Crimson with a cravat and a couple of knees gets 2. Back in the corner and Gunner elbows out, followed by a running sloppy clothesline for 2. Gunner hits some elbows before tagging in Blubber Ray. Ray immediately tags in Johnny Bravo. Steiner with a boot and some chops and some punches in the corner. Steiner looks terrible. He lays in some more chops, but Crimson gets a boot and some punches in. Gunner knees Crimson in the back, which leads to an overhead belly-to-belly by Steiner for 2. Steiner with yet more chops and a clothesline before doing the posing elbow and pushups. Why do the refs yell at him for doing this? Matt Morgan’s on commentary, BTW. Steiner with some stomps now, and he tags in Gunner. They do a double suplex which gets Gunner 2. Steiner is staying in the ring as Gunner goes for another pinfall. The ref has yet to get him out of there for some reason. They miss a double clothesline, but Crimson hits one on Steiner. He throws Gunner into Ray and then schoolboys him for 3.
WINNER: Crimson, who gets 7 more points. Kurt Angle charges out from the back and is beating Crimson with a shoe. Yes, a shoe. He throws Crimson back into the ring and is punching him in the head. It almost looks like he’s trying to bust Crimson open hardway. He takes off Crimson’s knee brace and starts hitting him in the back with it, followed by a shot to the head. Angle then begins doing a version of the ankle lock over the rope as Crimson hangs outside to the floor.
End of show.
This show was just…ugh. Just…dear lord, it was bad. A complete and utter mess from the get go. Not even the X-Division match was good.
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